Just Raindrops
Prologue
Howard stood alone outside as the rain fell down, watching the patterns the puddles made across the tarmac of the road. He couldn’t stay in there, not without either throwing up or losing it and neither option would go down well, he suspected. The rain began to fall harder and he tugged at his hood, shivering but barely caring. No tears fell on his cheeks, just cold raindrops. He could feel the bite of them stinging his skin. Jason’s family probably hated him. But he couldn’t help it, could barely bring himself to care. Every stubborn instinct in his body fought against it – as hopeless as it felt sometimes, he wasn’t capable of stopping the fight. They could believe it if they wanted but Howard never would until there was some proof, some clue that wasn’t open-ended, some theory that made more sense than the one being presented to them. An abandoned car and a note were not enough for him, would never be enough for him. He wouldn’t believe it. If Jason was dead, he would know it – for all the despondency that clawed at him, he couldn’t shake his certainty. His face was creased, a stricken look worn deep across it, but still the tears didn’t come. The rain fell a little harder as the Manchester sky turned a shade of grey that Howard was all too familiar with; it was the colour that everything had turned to since the day of Jason’s disappearance.
There was the sound of footsteps on the wet steps behind him, the slow splash of two people walking solemnly across the tarmac towards him. He didn’t need to look to know who it was; he turned slightly just as Gary and Mark came to stand with him, their eyes turned down. Mark’s mouth was a firm line of pale pink and he hunched close to Gary, who held an umbrella over the two of them, the bold blue-sky print striking against the rainclouds. Howard knew it was faintly ridiculous but all it served to do was remind him of Jason’s bright, piercing eyes. He missed those eyes – missed the way they saw and knew everything, always challenging him somehow.
“I’m not going back in there,” Howard muttered softly into the space between them. He’d all but curled in on himself, hunching his shoulders so that he’d almost disappeared inside his hood, the collar of his coat pulled up and partially obscuring his face. All three men stared straight ahead into the rain. Mark’s face was oddly expressionless, though there were tear tracks on his cheeks and dark shadows beneath his eyes that gave him away. Gary, however, kept his jaw set firm, his demeanour every bit as stoic as Howard’s. It made Howard feel a little better. Only a little, but it was something.
“No,” Gary murmured after a beat. “We’re not either, for what it’s worth,” he added, stiffly, a flicker of something broken briefly visible just behind his eyes. Beside him Mark sniffed and swiped at his tears. He was chewing at the inside of his cheek, his forehead creased slightly.
“It’s not right. I mean, it’s all so messed up, but the way they’re treating you – us – just for…” he trailed off, shaking his head slightly. He seemed to flinch and Howard looked away, studying the pavement beneath him intently.
“He didn’t do it,” he said quietly, his voice firm but fear clear in his blue eyes. “You both know that, don’t you?” Beside him Gary let out a long breath and Mark glanced away.
“I think I know that, Howard. But I just…” Gary shook his head and swallowed. “I know Jay always keeps his promises. I know that something isn’t right. And I think I know that – whatever piece of the puzzle it is we’re missing – this is not what he chose. For you or for anyone else.”
“It doesn’t make sense. Not after the way he was that night,” Mark whispered. “It doesn’t make sense any way you look at it. Jay’s more stubborn than that, you know?” Howard smiled a sad, broken smile at that. It was nice to be with people who actually seemed to understand. “Come on, let’s…let’s go back to the flat,” Mark sighed into the silence that had fallen between them. He glanced up at Gary before nervously turning his gaze to Howard, who stared out blankly into the rain. Gary bit his lip.
“Sure. Sounds like a plan,” he agreed slowly, wrapping one arm around Mark’s shoulders as he peered around for where they’d parked the car.
“Howard?” Mark pressed carefully, and Howard looked down at the floor with a sigh.
“Sorry, lads…not today. I’ll you see you some other time, ok? But right now I just…I need to be at the apartment. I need to be somewhere he can find me if he wants to. If he needs to.” Howard swallowed. “But you two go. I’ll be fine on my own.” Gary and Mark both looked at him uncertainly, unconvinced that ‘fine’ was a good way to describe Howard being on his own in the apartment he had shared for so long with Jason, waiting for a knock on the door that never seemed to come. They were worried about him, and they didn’t want to lose him to the darkness that could well threaten to overcome him if he spent too much of his time dwelling on the helpless situation he’d been left in. But they knew how stubborn Howard was, knew he’d not let them coddle him or fuss around. Gary gave his arm a firm squeeze and Mark offered him a tight smile.
“You can call any time,” Gary told him gently, before the two of them nodded a quiet goodbye and headed off into the pouring rain.
Alone on the pavement once more, Howard listened to the melancholy drum of the rain, pattering against every inch of the street. Briefly he glanced back over his shoulder, the sound of Jason’s name uttered sadly catching his ear as two latecomers dashed across the road, heading up the steps and in through the doors. Howard frowned and turned his back to the building once more. He’d been expected to speak – they’d asked him to, siblings and parents taking it in turns to attempt to persuade him, to talk him round. But he couldn’t do it. He’d almost forgotten how to talk over the past few weeks in any case; his lips just stumbled and stuttered over words as he folded in on himself slowly, his life suddenly so unstable and uncertain in the absence of Jason’s touch, his smile, his kiss. A rumble of thunder filled the Manchester air, the sky throwing another wave of angry rain against the tarmac – it was starting to soak through to the skin on the back of his neck, and Howard closed his eyes a moment, feeling the damp and the cold and refusing to flinch at it. He listened to the sound of the rain beating down and felt a strange satisfaction in the sting of more raindrops hitting his face, letting them wash over him as if they somehow understood. He liked to imagine that somewhere out there, Jason could feel that same feeling – it was oddly comforting, the idea that they might both be out there, caught in the moment, raindrops painful against their skin. Out beneath the same sky and connected by the rain. If they both could feel those raindrops, maybe they both could feel each other too, miss each other in equal measure, somehow reach out and feel – just for a moment – like they could survive all of this. Maybe the raindrops were their secret code.
Or maybe they were just raindrops. And maybe he would never see Jason again.
“Where’d you go, Jay?” Howard asked softly into the grey, a crack in his voice. But no one could answer him. And if the raindrops did know? Then they weren’t telling.
Three months earlier…
Going home. Howard felt a warm smile colour his lips and he closed his eyes, resting his head back and tilting his face towards the January sunlight that fell through the train window and warmed his skin. He loved the final stretch of the journey, when he could finally let tiredness start to overwhelm him, safe in the knowledge he was nearly back to his own bed and his husband’s smile. He twisted absently at the wedding ring on his finger, enjoying the now-familiar feel of it against his skin. Only half an hour more and he would be back in Manchester; back where he belonged. Briefly he glanced down at his phone, placed just in front of him on the table; Jason’s face smiled up at him from behind the time and date, blue eyes sparkling despite the wryness of his smile whilst a laughing Grace, with her head partially turned away from the camera, sat at his side. Howard’s fingers twitched briefly as he was almost overwhelmed by a sudden need just to hear Jason’s voice – though they’d only been apart two days, it had been a busy month and the dull ache of distance didn’t leave him just because logic told him he wouldn’t have to put up with it for long. Still, as much as Howard wanted to hear his voice, he was reluctant to let on that he’d managed to get an earlier train home; he wanted to see the surprise on Jason’s face when he made it back before dark.
The train was all but empty – an advantage of his painfully early start – and Howard enjoyed the peace of it after all the chaos of the past two nights; as much as he loved his job, there was a lot to be said for the calmness of his downtime and the feeling of normality slowly coming back to him. The rush of his DJ sets was something he had always relished – would always relish – but sometimes it was nice to know he had a home to go to where he didn’t need to try to be anything for anyone. Jason knew him; knew him grumpy, knew him tired, knew him laughing and belligerent and quiet and everything in between. He would tease and sigh and prod and challenge but he would never need Howard to be anything other than what he was, even if what he was was exhausted. In fact, Jason had a particular smile when Howard was exhausted – tender but vaguely amused. Howard chuckled to himself, letting his mind play over the images of Jason’s smile as the train carriage rattled onwards.
It was only the vibration of his phone against the table which pierced his daydream; he’d been about to succumb to sleep and it took him a moment to adjust to the light once he reopened his eyes. He fumbled slightly with his phone but finally managed to answer, stifling a yawn.
“Hello?” he asked sleepily.
“Hello, mate – how’s the South been treating you?” Gary Barlow’s voice was cheerful and clear down the line and Howard smiled as it occurred to him for the first time that he’d actually missed Gary’s company whilst he’d been on his travels.
“Not too bad, but you know what it’s like. Two days of chaos and I’m more than ready for my own bed already.” Gary chuckled.
“More than ready to see that husband of yours again, more like,” he remarked dryly and Howard tried his best to smother his grin.
“Shut your mouth, Barlow – you’ll only feed his ego.”
“I’ll tell him you said that,” Gary said with a laugh. “Anyway, speaking of your husband – you’ve not heard from him, by any chance, have you?” Howard’s brow crinkled immediately at that question – he couldn’t pinpoint why exactly, but it unsettled him, and he sat up a little straighter in his chair.
“No. I’m on the train home – I didn’t want to get his hopes up in case I missed the early one.”
“Oh…” Gary faltered and Howard dug his nails into his palm, suddenly anxious.
“Oh? ‘Oh’ what? Gaz, what’s going on? I thought he was working today anyway; shouldn’t he be in by now?” When Gary didn’t immediately reply, Howard let out a steadying breath. “Gaz,” he said firmly.
“Look, Howard, it’s nothing. Really. Honestly, when he didn’t come in this morning I just assumed you’d got home early and he’d forgotten to call in.” Gary sighed, and Howard could tell he was trying to hide the small edge of worry that had crept into his tone. “Listen, I only called you to see if you pair were stopping by the shop at closing for a bit band practice.”
“And you couldn’t get Jay on his phone?” Howard pressed, not buying Gary’s attempts to sound dismissive.
“Well, that’s nothing new,” Gary pointed out. “Look, I’m sure he’s just slept in or something.” Howard’s frown deepened.
“Have you met Jay? He doesn’t sleep in, Gaz, you know that as well as I do.”
“There’s a first time for everything, though. Maybe he’s waiting at the apartment for you.”
“Have you tried the apartment phone?”
“Howard, you know, maybe he just didn’t hear it ring or something. Me and Marko were out late with him last night – he’s probably just too hungover to talk to anyone.”
“He doesn’t drink enough to get hungover, Gaz, not unless it’s a big do. And even then – was he the designated driver last night? He usually is out of the four of us. Jay don’t mess around with that stuff, Gaz. He won’t be hungover and he won’t be in bed.” Howard leant forward on his elbows, rubbing a hand over his face. Gary’s silence was telling and it scared him. “When was the last time you saw him?”
“Last night after he dropped off me and Marko. He said he’d see us tomorrow and when I was sceptical about how long we’d see him for given that you were coming home he did a terrible job of pretending he didn’t miss you like crazy, said goodnight and drove off.” Gary sighed. “There’ll be an explanation, Howard.” There was a silence in which neither Gary nor Howard dared admit just how little they believed Gary’s words, then Gary drew in a deep breath. “Where are you now?” he asked at last.
“About a half-hour outside of Manchester.”
“Ok. Well me and Mark will keep an ear out for the phone and maybe ring round a few places – if he turns up before you get back to the apartment, we’ll get him to call you right away, ok? And if not and you get back and he’s home, then you let us know.”
“And if he’s not there either?” Howard asked quietly, his voice strained. Gary swallowed.
“Mark and me have our phones on, you keep your phone on…everyone just keep in touch with everyone else and we’ll be golden.” Gary paused, seeming to expect Howard to agree with him, but no sound came and he sighed. “Look, just try not to panic, ok? There’ll be an explanation. And he’ll give us all a telling off for worrying if he gets wind of it.”
“I’ll talk to you later, Gaz,” Howard said quietly, closing his eyes as he ended the call.
Howard knew Jason. Knew the movement of his body in the dark and the sound of his sighs – knew him so instinctively that half the time it wasn’t so much knowing as feeling. And all his senses buzzed – electricity along his skin – at the suddenness of the not-knowing.
Jason never slept in. Not without Howard there to make him.
***
Jason stirred slowly beside Howard, some incoherent mumble just escaping his lips as he moved. Howard watched him with a small smile on his face, propping himself up on his elbow and tenderly brushing at the hair that fell across Jason’s forehead. Slowly Jason’s eyes flickered open, looking up into Howard’s own, the light catching in them and making them shine. A steady smile formed on his lips then – a smile that Howard matched with one of his own as Jason closed the gap between the two of them, curling close to Howard’s chest. Instinctively, he bent his head, capturing Jason’s lips in a kiss, one arm reaching out to pull Jason’s closer. Jason smiled against his lips before teasingly pushing him back and Howard flopped back down across the pillow so they were lying face to face. Jason narrowed his eyes at him playfully.
“Whatever it is you’re thinking? Don’t,” he warned, batting Howard away half-heartedly when he edged closer and pressed a kiss to Jason’s nose. “What part of ‘Don’t’ did you miss?” Jason laughed softly, though he reached up a hand to cup Howard’s cheek, leaning their foreheads together.
“I have free will, Jason Orange, and I intend to use it,” Howard replied with a grin, waggling his eyebrows for effect and feeling absurdly proud when the gesture coaxed another laugh and a harmless shove out of Jason. He took the moment to study his face, the way his lashes fanned out in perfect little lines against his tanned skin and the incredible symmetry of his cheekbones. Those blue eyes which were never quite just blue – grey and green strands and glints of light all dancing just behind his steady gaze. Jason let out a soft sigh, glancing away briefly even as Howard’s fingers traced idle patterns down his arm.
“I should get up,” he remarked, quiet and matter-of-fact, though there was a slight groan just audible in the words. He made no move to get up, however, Howard noticed, and he couldn’t help but laugh at that, leaning in close and pulling Jason into a lingering kiss. Jason put up little resistance – his hand pushed slightly against Howard’s chest but he was smiling into the kiss, letting Howard draw his body closer, and Howard knew he’d won.
“What could you possibly need to get up for? We’re supposed to be on honeymoon, remember?” Howard said in a low, soft voice as they finally pulled apart. Jason saw the glint in his eyes and shook his head in a show of despair.
“And what part of you thinks I was built for lie-ins?” he chuckled, the sound sending vibrations through Howard’s ribs.
“And what part of you thinks I care?” Howard countered with sly grin. He reached up and ran his fingers along Jason’s jawline, meeting his eyes with deliberate challenge, one eyebrow arched. Jason’s own expression was somewhere between amusement and resignation as he looked back at Howard steadily for a moment before putting his hand over his face and pushing him away. Howard laughed – could feel Jason laughing too – and artfully slipped his arms around Jason, pulling him with him as he rolled the two of them across the bed. “You’re not gonna win this battle, Orange – I know all your tricks,” Howard warned, managing to wriggle free of Jason’s grip as Jason landed against him with a soft thud. “You admit defeat yet?” he asked archly as Jason lay his head down against his chest.
“I think you know me better than that,” Jason murmured, even as his eyes closed and he curled more tightly against Howard’s side.
“Oh I have so won,” Howard smirked and Jason smacked him.
“Shut up or I will fight you,” he chuckled sleepily, briefly lifting his head and reaching up to press a kiss to Howard’s lips. “I’m calling a temporary truce. Just for one day,” he stated when he pulled back. Howard nodded, unable to stop the smug grin on his lips from showing through and receiving a fond eye roll from Jason in return. “Fine. I can do lie-ins,” he conceded, shifting his weight a little and resting his head back against Howard’s chest. Howard laughed softly, squeezing Jason close as he let his eyes flicker shut once again. “I can do lie-ins – but only for you,” Jason added through a yawn. Howard’s smile softened and he kissed the top of Jason’s head affectionately.
“I think I can live with that truce.”
Though his eyes were closed, Jason was smiling, and he reached out a hand, finding Howard’s hand and clasping his tightly. Howard felt the cool of Jason’s wedding ring against his skin. He had to have done something incredible in a past life for this moment to belong to him – it was the only explanation he could think of for why these promises came so naturally, so easily between the two of them. They made them every day, every moment together and even some apart, hardly realising they were making them but still meaning them with every fibre of their beings. There was just something about who they both were that made certainty seem natural. And their shared stubbornness served as insurance; they would fight to keep these promises, no matter how easily they had been made, no matter how naturally they came. Jason wasn’t a man to break a promise – it was all Howard needed to know, when it came down to it. “I love you,” Howard murmured, his thumb rubbing idly against Jason’s upper arm. For a moment he thought Jason had fallen asleep, but then he glanced down and saw his smile.
“You’d better,” Jason replied in a half-whisper then, before opening his eyes and lifting his head to meet Howard’s startlingly blue gaze. “You know I love you too, Donald,” he added with a small, knowing smile. “Promise.” He lay his head back down and let out a long sigh. He stretched his body out for a moment before relaxing his weight back against Howard, who couldn’t help but smile. “Now if you’re quite finished with your sentimentalities; I believe I was promised a lie-in.” Howard’s smile immediately turned mischievous, recognising the challenge in Jason’s tone and readily accepting it.
“You know, lie-ins don’t always have to involve sleep,” he replied.
***
Howard couldn’t count the number of times he’d slid his key into the lock and not given it a thought. It was an everyday action – it just got lost amongst all the other gestures that made up a life. But today Howard was finding himself hyper-aware of everything; the sound of his footsteps echoing through the empty entryway to their building, the way the lock was unusually stiff, the incredible stillness of the apartment as he opened the door. He stood for a moment in the doorway, waiting for something to happen, for a movement or a noise to make everything normal. But the apartment remained motionless. He tossed his keys down the way he always would – he winced at the way the clatter bounced off the apartment walls, incongruously loud in the silent space. There was no point calling out or looking round; that sound always got a reaction out of Jason – usually some sort of half-hearted reprimand, sometimes just open affection and relief to see Howard was back again. Howard rubbed his hands over his face and tried to clear his head, tried to think of logical explanations, but his heart was thudding wildly against his ribs and it was all he could do to draw in a shaky breath and try to steady himself. He scanned the space for a moment, taking in the tidiness. Jason was neat – obsessively neat sometimes – but even he wouldn’t keep the apartment this way whilst he was in it; there wasn’t so much as a mug in the sink and Jason’s laptop was sitting on the desk rather than abandoned on the coffee table or the arm of the chair. Howard bit his lip and tried not to dwell on it, because if he did he knew there was only one conclusion he could draw from it: Jason didn’t come home last night.
There had to be a reason for this. A different reason. He cast his eyes absently over the growing collection of photographs which were scattered about the room: an Orange family photograph, Jason and Gary from too many years ago to count, Four Men And A Dusty Piano sat together in the shop, Jason, Howard and Grace crammed in at an awkward angle so that Howard could fit them all in the shot, Jason and several of his friends from his dancing days, Howard and Grace after her first school play and a photograph of Grace in the sunlight down at Salford Quays, her back to the camera as she ran ahead, the sunlight catching her smile as she looked back, laughing, over her shoulder. On Jason’s desk there was a photograph from their wedding: through a gap in a sea of people dancing, Gary, Mark, Jason and Howard could be see sitting at an empty table with Grace – the four of them were laughing, each one of them with a slightly different expression, revealing a slightly different story, and Jason was burying his face the crook of Howard’s neck whilst Grace sat on Jason’s lap, fast asleep. Howard took another deep breath and turned away, swiftly fishing his mobile out of his pocket and scrolling down to Gary’s number.
“Howard! Any luck? Have you found him?” Howard swallowed, closing his eyes and squeezing them tightly shut. “How?”
“Gaz, he’s not here. And don’t think he came home last night – his car’s not here either and I can’t see his keys.” There was a pause on the end of the line, but the silence was telling and Gary’s nerves were palpable. Howard pinched the bridge of his nose. “There’s no note, no missed calls on my phone…and he’s not been here, I know it.” There was another pause and then Gary blew out a breath.
“Don’t move. Me and Mark will come over, we’ll talk it over, work it out and track him down, ok?” Howard nodded, belatedly realising Gary couldn’t see him but not being able to muster up any words. “Twenty minutes: we’ll be there. Then when Jay turns up with some long-winded explanation, we can all give him hell together.” Gary’s tone was all empty determination and Howard knew the man well enough to know the difference between his usual control and the worry that had just crackled down the line. But he hadn’t got the strength to bring it up, too willing to cling onto the front of belief Gary was putting up.
“Twenty minutes,” he echoed dully.
***
“Come on, love – cheer up.” Jason’s smile was lightly teasing yet still somehow soft. He was sitting up on the kitchen counter, his eyes on Howard, who sat across from him at the breakfast bar, his expression sullen. “I thought being a DJ was your calling in life and that you were the luckiest man on the planet because you loved your job so much,” Jason pressed as Howard continued to play with his phone, his eyes downturned.
“No, I think you misheard me; I love you so much and I’m the luckiest man on the planet because you love me too.” Howard finally glanced up, pulling a face and making Jason laugh.
“Someone’s pretty sure of himself,” Jason remarked, arching an eyebrow, and Howard stuck his tongue out at him. “I know a whole week of gigs is exhausting, but we both know you’ll enjoy the buzz. No one loves a show the way you love a show, How. And that’s coming from a man who knows Gary Barlow.” Howard couldn’t help but laugh at that, shaking his head slightly and shooting Jason a resigned look of affection.
“It’s coming from a man who’s the biggest show off I know, more like,” he muttered, lightning blue eyes dancing in challenge. Jason smothered a smile.
“Pot, don’t taunt the kettle,” he warned lightly. Howard grinned, blowing a jokey kiss that Jason playfully pretended to bat away in disgust.
For a moment they slipped into silence. Howard’s eyes slid back down to his phone and he let out a long sigh. It wasn’t that he didn’t love his job, it was just that it had been a while since he’d been expected to go so far away for so long. The first time since their wedding, in fact, that he’d had to go anywhere overnight – he knew that was going to make the feeling of missing Jason even stronger. The quiet was interrupted by the sound of the oven, and Jason jumped gracefully down from the counter to deal with the dinner, shooting a look back at Howard over his shoulder and flashing him a wry smile.
“Come on, Mister DJ – stop being a soppy bastard and accept the fact that you’re the big earner round here. You need to go so that me and you still have a home in a month’s time.” Howard groaned and Jason smirked, rolling his eyes as he continued to busy himself with dinner. “Look, Gaz is out of town next week anyway, which means Mark is going to be round here all hours needing me to keep him and Cadbury distracted so they don’t end up moping like last time.” Jason sighed and turned back to face Howard, folding his arms. “So you see, love, my life is going to go on without you. And yours will go on without me. And when we need to take some downtime from the whole ‘having our own lives’ thing, I hear they have these fancy inventions called phones – they even work in Ireland too.” Howard smiled despite himself, looking at Jason and shaking his head slightly.
“Not that you ever answer yours on the first try,” he pointed out teasingly and Jason raised his eyebrows, amusement shining in his eyes.
“You know, for you I always answer by the third try, though, at least,” he shot back and Howard chuckled; despite Jason’s teasing tone, he knew it was true that – for all Jason was useless with his phone – he always made an effort for him.
“I’ll still miss you,” Howard sighed after a beat, his voice huffy and defeated. Jason offered him a sympathetic smile, pushing himself away from where he was leaning and coming across to the breakfast bar. He stood opposite Howard, leaning forward on his elbows so that the two of them were eye to eye.
“And I’ll miss you too,” he said quietly, genuine sadness touching the corners of his smile even as he shrugged. “But life goes on,” he added, leaning forwards and pressing a kiss to Howard’s lips.
For a second after they parted, neither one of them moved. It didn’t really need to be said that neither one of them was particularly fond of the time or the distance that Howard’s job sometimes put between them. But Jason had always seen Howard’s job as part of who he was, as something he needed to do. And for his part, Howard knew Jason was right; he’d enjoy the week. Despite missing Jason in the quieter moments he knew there was still a unique buzz to being up there in that DJ booth. Jason flashed him a knowing smile – all resignation and affection – and slowly pushed back, turning around to deal with their dinner. Always keeping himself busy, Jason; always moving. In their relationship the whinging usually came from Howard’s side and Howard would be the first to admit it. He supposed part of why they worked so well together was that Jason’s determination and pragmatism stopped him from wallowing, from being the morose creature he had been in some of his darker times in the past, unable to move or see a way out of his problems, usually just ending up making them worse. And Howard, in turn, forced Jason’s emotions out of him when his efforts to plough on despite them threatened to make him implode. Howard gave Jason a safe place to let his cracks show, to admit to his weaknesses and regroup before picking himself up off the floor and ploughing on once more.
Howard blinked in surprise as dinner was set down in front of him, and when he glanced up he saw Jason leaning on the counter opposite him again, his head tilted to one side and a quiet smile on his lips.
“Come on, love. It’s a week, not a life sentence,” he murmured and Howard offered him a lopsided smile.
“I know. I just hate not seeing you at night…hate not being able to come home and just…touch you.” Howard sighed. “Does that sound daft?” Jason reached out his hand, placing it over Howard’s.
“No,” he stated and Howard looked up into his eyes with a grateful smile. “I’ll make you a deal though; a promise.” Howard raised an eyebrow enquiringly and Jason smiled. “You and me? We’re a team. We go off, we do our own things, we argue about it…but we always end up back here. Together.”
***
“Jay’s not at the apartment.” Mark turned immediately from where he’d been counting out a customer’s change, sending several pound coins skittering across the cafe’s counter and causing numerous customers to look up in mild alarm. Gary hardly noticed; he was standing at the end of the counter, hovering just by the ‘Staff Only’ sign, jangling his car keys anxiously.
“You spoke to Howard again?” Mark asked, handing off the change he’d been counting to one of his co-workers and coming over to Gary quickly.
“He called just now; there’s no sign of Jay at their place and Howard sounded pretty convinced Jay didn’t make it home last night either.” Gary sighed heavily, rubbing his eyes. He suddenly felt exhausted and he was grateful when he felt Mark place a comforting hand over his own. “I closed the shop and told him we’d be over right away – you more or less done here?”
“I am now,” Mark replied determinedly and Gary raised a faint smile in response. “How did Howard sound like he was holding up? Did he have any ideas what might be going on?”
“He didn’t sound great, to be honest. You know how him and Jay are; the pair of them are hardwired to know when something is wrong with the other one, it’s like a sixth sense with them. And, honestly, dropping off the face of the earth like this…it’s not like Jay. Someone would know where he was – even if he wanted to get away for a while, you know?”
“I know,” Mark agree quietly, glancing down. “It’s probably just crossed wires though, yeah? Maybe he’s broken down somewhere or…or his phone’s just dead or…” Mark sighed, closing his eyes for a moment before turning back to Laura, who was managing to man the till without him whilst still earwigging on his and Gary’s conversation. “I’m sorry to do this Loz, but something’s come up.” Laura smiled at him gently.
“I heard. Go help Howard look for Jay – your shift was nearly up here anyway and Hannah’s already in to cover.” Mark nodded.
“Cheers. Tell Hannah I owe her.”
“Mark, you’re in a permanent state of shift-debt to that girl! Just go, we can work it out later.”
Once they were out on the street, Mark finally noticed just how stiffly Gary was holding his shoulders. Away from the din of the cafe, the sound of Gary’s keys jangling in his hands suddenly seemed abrasive and sharp and Mark glanced at Gary in concern, trying to suppress his own fear and keep in step with Gary’s purposeful strides. He tried to make lists in his head of all the reasons why Jason wasn’t picking up his phone, all the reasons why he wouldn’t be back at home yet or why he’d skipped work. It wasn’t as if Jason had never taken time out before – he sometimes took himself away from the world, took some time to clear his head and get a little peace. Gary was right, though: he always made sure people knew he was safe. Besides, Jason would never disappear on Howard without a word. Last night Howard’s company had been the only thing he wanted – well, Howard’s company and for Gary to stop messing with the filing system for the songbooks.
Mark flinched as Gary’s keys hit the pavement with a loud clatter, and he blinked bewilderedly for a moment before glancing across at Gary, who had come to an abrupt stop ten paces away from the car. His eyes were closed and he was drawing in a deep, shaky breath and for a terrible moment Mark thought he was going to cry.
“Gaz,” Mark said softly, taking a step closer to him and laying a gentle hand on his arm. “Gaz, it gonna be ok, you know. It’s not even been a whole day – don’t tie yourself in knots, not when we need to try and at least pretend to be positive for Howard’s sake.” Mark stood on tiptoe and placed a whisper of a kiss against Gary’s cheek. “Come on, it can’t be as bad as you think – he’ll be home by the time we get there, telling us all not to be such drama queens.”
“I know, I know I just….in all the time I’ve known him, do you know how many times he’s disappeared without leaving word with anyone?” Gary asked, opening his eyes and looking across at Mark, who shook his head. Gary smiled sadly. “Once. He did it once.” Gary rubbed his hands over his face and let out a small, humourless laugh. “Turned out my answer machine had broken. I didn’t even notice he wasn’t around until three days later – he’d had the week off and you know how bad he can be at answering the phone. Anyway, eventually I phoned his mum and she told me he was at her place. It was something to do with his dad, I never found out exactly what, just that he’d needed to get away. Jay didn’t want to talk about it and I didn’t want to pry.” Gary shrugged. “He doesn’t do vanishing acts without good reason, and even then…he always lets someone know. Trouble with an ex – phone call. Helping a friend – sent his brother round to the shop to explain. Grace got sick at school and Vicky and Howard couldn’t come for her – apologetic text. And are you seriously telling me that, if he bothered letting me know all that stuff, he wouldn’t let Howard know if something had come up?” Gary swallowed and shook his head. “No, Marko. This just feels different.” Mark felt a wave of worry hit him square in the chest and he looked away, blowing out a breath and focusing his attention on a point in the middle distance. For a moment they stood in silence, before Mark drew himself up a little.
“I’ll drive,” he stated firmly, making a quick grab for the car keys before turning back to look at Gary. “There won’t be much traffic this time of day so you’ll probably only have fifteen minutes to catch your breath and find those famous Barlow leadership skills we’ve all come to rely on – but I can drive slow if you think it’ll help, ok?” Mark looked up at Gary steadily, eyebrows raised, and Gary smiled slightly, letting out a hollow chuckle before nodding.
“Ok.” He looked at Mark fondly, looking at the flecks of gold in his wide, round eyes. His face was all soft curves and hope and it calmed him, helped him regain a little of his composure. “Hearing Howard sound so worried…it just rattled me, you know? I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone know Jay as well as he does. So if he’s worried…”
“I know,” Mark agreed quietly, eyes downturned. “But I also know that…if something really bad had happened to Jay – I mean if he wasn’t coming back or…Howard would know. I know Howard would know.”
“Agreed,” Gary said slowly, his brow briefly knitting into a frown. “Maybe that’s exactly what we should be telling Howard right now. No one knows Jay like he does, so if anyone’s going to be able to find him…” Mark smiled slightly, nodding.
“Come on. Let’s go before Howard starts fretting about us too. We’ll put our heads together and we’ll get Jay home.”
***
“Do you think he’s really on the phone to Howard or do you think he’s got bored of us and just given us the slip?” Mark was grinning mischievously up at Gary as the two of them huddled close, attempting to shelter themselves from the biting February air. Gary watched the swirls of mist from their breath drift off into the orange haze of the streetlamps before flicking an idle glance over his shoulder to where Jason was leaning against his car. He was laughing, a lightness settling over him for the first time all day, and Gary chuckled slightly as he turned back to look at Mark.
“That look? That is a ‘Jason Orange Talking To Howard Donald’ look, trust me,” he remarked and Mark laughed, eyes glittering in that wild way of his that always left Gary vaguely dazzled. “Daft beggar thinks I haven’t noticed he’s actually a hopeless romantic underneath all those sly remarks. I have to say, though, if he takes much longer then you and me are going to need to a find a better way to keep warm.” Gary shivered for effect, blowing on his hands, and Mark let out a chuckle, raising his eyebrows suggestively.
“You know, you might want to rephrase that, gorgeous, or I’ll start to worry about your respect for privacy.” Gary shot Mark a playful glare, his pale lips curling into an amused smile despite his best efforts to keep a straight face.
“Keep talking like that and I’ll think you and Howard did a body-swap,” he shot back with a wry smirk. “Get your mind out of the gutter and give me kiss,” he added more softly, making Mark smile as he placed his hands on Gary’s lapels, using them to pull himself up and press a firm kiss against Gary’s lips.
For a moment, Gary forgot where he was, enjoying the feeling of Mark’s arms winding around his neck and the taste of wine on his lips. He buried his hand in the soft waves of his hair, pulling Mark closer and closer to him until finally, reluctantly, they ended the kiss, their foreheads still pressed together and their eyes slowly opening to meet each other’s blurred gazes.
“Alright you two, hands by your sides and get in the car before I change my mind about giving you a lift home.” Jason’s voice effectively severed the moment, a teasing air to his tone that Gary blamed entirely on Howard – one brief conversation with the man and Jason was back to being all challenge and mischief, a magic trick he hadn’t been counting on when he’d let Mark deepen their kiss.
“Do you have to sound so chipper?” Gary asked, all but dropping Mark, who grinned impishly up at him, amused at his sudden shyness.
“I’m not chipper,” Jason dismissed, rolling his eyes, and Gary inclined his head as if in agreement.
“No. You’re Howard Donald-ed. Don’t think I don’t know,” he said, wagging a finger at Jason, raising his eyebrows for emphasis, and Jason laughed, blue eyes aglitter even as he glanced down almost shyly.
“Get in or you can walk home,” he said with a smile, pushing himself up off the car and climbing in.
“Definitely chipper,” Gary stage-whispered, trying to smother his grin when Jason shot him a half-hearted glare and shut his door. Gary and Mark exchanged smirks before following suit and making for Jason’s car, climbing into the backseat just as Jason started the engine.
“He still coming back tomorrow, I take it?” Gary enquired as they pulled out. As the shadows of the car shifted, Jason’s face was illuminated briefly and Gary caught his expression in the mirror; a soft, pink curve of the lips that gave away more than Jason meant it to.
“He should be home tomorrow afternoon. You know How, though. If he sleeps through all three of his alarms and isn’t home ‘til midnight I won’t be surprised.” There wasn’t any trace of annoyance in Jason’s voice, if anything Jason’s tone was affectionate, accepting, and the smile stayed put on his lips.
“You know, Jay, I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Howard has a habit of showing up when he knows he’s coming back to you,” Mark put in and Jason chuckled.
“Well then, Gaz won’t mind when I take the afternoon off will he,” he countered.
“You can take off the morning too if you like – you know as well as I do what Wednesdays are like,” Gary remarked.
“I’m not leaving you with a new delivery of songbooks, no way. I’ll come in and sort the shelves then head out when Howard lets me know what train he’s on,” Jason countered. “What shift are you on at the caff, Mark?”
“Mid-morning ‘til mid-afternoon. No break but I can leave early so I’ll be around. You and Howard should come by – it’s been a while since we did any rehearsals for the band.” Mark glanced hopefully up at Gary who shrugged.
“Fine by me, but do you really think them two will come up for oxygen long enough to care about practicing new material?” he questioned, grinning mischievously at Jason as he caught his eye in the mirror and attempted another glare.
“It’s disturbing the picture you have in your head of my life, you know that, Barlow?” His eyes were sparkling as he said it and Gary chuckled, holding up his hands in mock surrender. “If Howard makes it home on time we’ll stop by the shop around closing time, we can all stay late and practice for a bit then maybe go out for drinks or something. But I won’t be in on Thursday, just so you know.”
“I’m saying nothing,” Gary put in slyly, his eyes twinkling mischievously. Jason shot him another brief look in the mirror.
“My mum’s back from holiday and we said we’d pick her up and go for lunch. And, just to add to the wild time, we need to go and buy a new toaster before the current one makes good on its threat to explode.”
“Yeah, yeah; and that accounts for two hours of the day,” Gary pointed out, chuckling. Jason didn’t make any attempt to shoot him down that time, simply smirking and shaking his head slightly.
“Silence is golden,” Mark sing-songed teasingly and Gary smothered a laugh whilst Jason bit back a grin.
The journey settled into an easy quiet as Jason wound his way through well-worn short-cuts across the city. Really, Gary and Mark’s flat was in the opposite direction to his own apartment near Salford Quays, but he liked the drive and Gary had known his best friend would never let them waste money on a taxi when he was willing and sober enough to do the job for free. The shop was more or less equidistant between their homes, and all their favourite pubs and restaurants were scattered in the same area, but the story was always the same when it came time to go home; Jason and Howard both had a knowledge of Manchester that Gary and Mark couldn’t hope to rival, and it had taken Gary an embarrassingly long time to realise just how out of the way Jason would sometimes drive just to get him home. Still, it’d somehow slipped into the realm of tradition and, since they all lived within twenty minutes of the shop these days it seemed absurd to turn down Jason’s generosity.
It was a clear night, the fifth clear night in a row, and Gary suspected the skies were gearing up for a storm – it was usually the way in Manchester. He stared idly out of the window and pulled Mark a little closer to him, letting the smaller man rest his head on his shoulder and close his eyes. The radio was on quietly in the background – the babble of it lulled Mark to sleep, but in the front seat Jason’s eyes were still bright and alert and Gary glanced over at him thoughtfully, watching him drum an idle beat on the steering wheel as they waited at traffic lights. There was a smile still left on his lips that hadn’t disappeared since the moment he’d seen Howard’s name light up on his phone’s screen, and Gary chuckled quietly to himself as he thought back to when he and Jason had first met, the way the man only seemed to truly relax when he was dancing and the restless energy he carried with him when the dancing came to an end.
“You know, I don’t think you’ve stopped completely baffling me since the day we met,” Gary said softly and Jason briefly glanced at him in the mirror, eyebrows quirked in curiosity.
“I baffled you the day we met?” he queried, amusement in his voice, and Gary laughed.
“You spun on your head. And did a one-handed handstand. As far as I was concerned it was witchcraft,” he joked, making Jason chuckle and shake his head slightly.
“And this is relevant how?”
“Because every now and again you do something to remind me that you’re still the most baffling person I’ve ever met.” Gary grinned mischievously as Jason shot him a half-hearted glare. “I’m just saying that the same man who put that smile on your face with a simple phone call tonight is the same man who drives you up the wall on a daily basis,” he shrugged and Jason laughed softly.
“Now I know you’re not questioning my marriage, Barlow,” he smiled and Gary let out a chuckle.
“Wouldn’t dream of it – give me a little credit!” he said with a grin and Jason suppressed an amused smile as the two of them lapsed back into their companionable silence. Gary turned his gaze back to the window, staring out at the Manchester streets with idle curiosity, studying the buildings they passed and the odd person here or there illuminated in the orange of a street lamp or huddling at a bus shelter.
“I think that’s kind of the point, you know?” Jason’s voice was soft but it still took Gary slightly by surprise, and he glanced back to his friend, eyebrows quirked in curiosity. “About Howard, I mean,” Jason added with a shrug. His eyes were on the road but Gary watched his face carefully, thoughtfully. There was an expression there that was hard to read; thoughtful but not doubting, happy but quiet. “There’s a lot of different reasons why someone is the love of your life. And not all of them are good. Some of them are stupid or downright daft and some don’t even make sense at all. But if they don’t tear you open and bring out every part of you – good and bad, every emotion – then you’re not really giving them everything you have to give. Which means you don’t really have the right to ask for everything back.” Jason’s eyes briefly met Gary’s in the mirror once more and he smiled softly, giving another small shrug and suddenly seeming a little shy. “All in means knowing your own limitations and flaws just as much as theirs. You’re still allowed to moan about it, as long as you know the difference.”
“Know the difference?”
“Between going through the motions for the sake of being in a relationship or going through the stupid, annoying, downright daft stuff because what you get at the end of it is something better, something more important than all those stupid things.” Jason’s face was half in shadow, but his eyes were still bright in the darkness. “We challenge each other because we believe in each other enough to know where the limits are. And we make promises because both of us know the other will keep them. I ask for everything from Howard and I don’t pretend I need anything less than that. The point is: he gets everything back.”
***
Howard rubbed his hands over his face, forcing himself to breathe slowly and trying to take a moment to quiet his mind. He was standing by the vast windows, watching the patterns the raindrops were making across the glass; the city beyond was blurred and the sky above was a tumultuous grey, but Howard found it oddly comforting how the weather seemed to match his mood. He could feel those same patterns of raindrops tracing their way across his heart in silvery lines, tightening slowly, but he couldn’t bring himself to step away from the windows, as though some part of him thought he could keep watch for Jason from his vantage point above the city. He hoped Jason had found himself a spot in the city with large windows – it was an absurd thought but he couldn’t shake it. Jason couldn’t abide dark spaces, and something about the light and the view calmed him. Howard knew. He blew out a sharp breath and stood a little taller, pulling his phone from his pocket once more and redialling Jason’s number – every half hour he repeated the ritual before turning his focus back to calling friends and family, then the hospitals, then turning on the local news. There was still no sign, no word and no explanation and it took everything Howard had to not imagine the worst case scenarios for how Jason could simply vanish. And yet were any of those worse case scenarios worse than the thought that he had left intentionally? Howard quickly shook the idea away. He knew Jason better than that – he had more faith in him than that.
By the time Gary and Mark arrived at the apartment, Howard had run out of people to phone, and though he tried to hide the anxious edge from his voice he knew he wasn’t fooling either of his friends. The four of them were like brothers and they fell easily into their roles without having to really think about it: Mark clapped his hands together and went to make everyone tea, Gary called around a few stray family members and friends who Howard hadn’t been able to reach and Howard ventured out into the rain, walking around the surrounding streets in the desperate hope of seeing Jason, or even just his car. When he returned, Mark and Gary were both bent forwards slightly, engaged in a hushed, solemn conversation, but Howard didn’t need to hear to know what they were discussing. Cadbury bounded up to greet him and he focused intently on the dog, bending down to scratch him behind his eyes and deliberately avoiding looking over at Mark and Gary, even when he became aware of them both watching him nervously from across the room.
“I know what you’re going to say,” Howard stated at last, his voice oddly even considering the knot that had formed in his chest. He still looked only at Cadbury; he was sure that if he looked at Mark and Gary’s worried faces he would crumble immediately, and he was desperate to keep his resolve. He swallowed hard and stood up, closing his eyes for a moment and taking a deep breath. “We should phone the police,” he whispered. For a moment no one spoke, no one moved. “We have to. Because this isn’t like Jay and we all know it.” Gary winced slightly and glanced out of the window and Mark bit his lip. Howard sighed.
“You don’t have to do it, How. One of us can,” Gary offered limply and Howard laughed a humourless laugh, shaking his head.
“And how would that look? No. I’ll call. You and Mark just pray they take this seriously – because if we can’t convince them that this isn’t like Jay, then what hope do we have of convincing anybody? And I need something better to tell Grace than ‘Sorry sweetheart but Jay ran away’ – Jay deserves better than that and so does she.”
“And so do you,” Mark said softly. Howard looked down at his hands.
“Everything for everything – that’s your deal, right?” Gary asked gently and Howard looked over at him in surprise. Gary offered him a quiet smile.
“He’s not as guarded as he thinks. Not these days, anyway,” he explained before his expression sobered slightly. “Make the call. It won’t make you feel much better but it’s something to do,” he offered and Howard nodded before reluctantly pulling out his phone.
***
Jason winced and curled his hand closer to his chest, closing his eyes for a moment and trying to ignore the stinging pain of the cut which ran across his palm. He pulled his knees up, folding himself to fit into as small a space as possible. Outside, rain was falling steadily and he watched it through the tiny window, a solemn, distant look on his face, his eyes tracing the subtle shift from day to night, the pale grey sky growing darker, the orange of streetlamps bleeding out into the encroaching night. Howard would be back by now – the thought came to him without warning, jarring him and almost breaking his resolve. He flinched, blinking quickly and looking away, his eyes scanning the dim room for something else to focus his attention. For a moment it was the frayed edge of the tatty, patchwork throw that lay across the bed, then the small, l-shaped scratch on the door to the bathroom. Then slowly his eyes returned to the window. Cautiously he got to his feet, crossing the room and walking to the window, finding something soothing about the sound of the rain on the glass and the patterns the raindrops made as they cast shadows across the room. He reached out for the latch on the window, testing it gingerly, but a shock of pain went through his injured hand and he flinched back from it with a frustrated sigh. He crumpled slightly, lowering himself into the armchair which sat beneath the window and curling his legs up underneath him. He touched his fingers to the cold glass and traced absently at the tracks of the raindrops. The previous night suddenly seemed like a very long time ago. Home seemed even further – he was sure he dimly recognised the area outside the window, it couldn’t be more than fifteen minutes by car. But it was a world away. Jason closed his eyes and tried to focus, tried to pull himself inside his daydreams and let them engulf him; Mark laughing sleepily, Gary joking from the backseat of the car, Howard’s voice down the line telling him he’d be home by two. An odd calmness was restored to him in that moment, as he focused on Howard’s voice, the way he teased and flirted, the sound of his sigh as he said he had missed him. Jason felt that familiar stubbornness returning to him, the fight that had helped him so many times before somehow bolstered by the simple thought of his name on Howard’s lips. He was always there, somewhere, at the back of Jason’s mind – ready to be called up when he needed him. Jason smiled sadly and squeezed his eyes more tightly shut. He’d spend his whole life imagining the sound of that voice murmuring his name if he had to – anything to keep what little fight he had left in him there.
***
Mark looked up from biting his nails, glancing at Gary with eyebrows raised as Howard hung up the phone. Gary shrugged awkwardly, his gaze staying on Howard as he shifted nervously on the sofa. Howard had retreated to the kitchen to make the call, and for a moment he stayed there, staring into the middle distance, his forehead creased and his piercing blue eyes steely but still somehow absent. After a moment he took in a deep breath and drew himself up, coming back over into the living room.
“What did they say?” Mark asked tentatively, returning to his nail biting as Howard slowly sat down in the armchair.
“They asked who we’d called, who saw him last, when, what his state of mind was, what his routine is. Stuff you’d expect them to ask, I s’pose. They’re going to send someone over to take a report and make a few preliminary checks and ask us some questions.” Howard let out a sharp, hollow laugh. “She made sure to point out there wasn’t much they could do if a grown man decided he didn’t want to be found – without any proof something happened to him, they just treat it as low priority, you know?” Howard swallowed, running his hands over his face tiredly. “I can’t decide if I’d rather they didn’t find anything suspicious or that they did,” he huffed, glancing at Gary and Mark, who both quickly looked down. “I mean, if they don’t…then what? He skipped town and didn’t tell any of us? But if they do and something’s happened to him…” Howard’s face creased with worry once more and he shook his head as if to dispense with the thought. “An officer will be over in an hour or so. You two should stay here so they can talk to you.” Gary and Mark simply nodded, and the three men fell into an odd silence that stretched out for miles between them. None of them could seem to look at each other, and Cadbury seemed to sense the tension, clumsily getting to his feet and padding over to Howard, who petted him absently, closing his eyes tightly and listening to the steady patter of the rain.
It was almost a relief when the police officer finally did knock on the door, the sound breaking through the stilted chatter that they had forced when the silence had become unbearable. But any relief they allowed themselves to feel was short-lived as the officer made his way inside, the realisation of the questions and answers to come – and the possibility of being told there was little the police could do – finally hitting them and filling them all with anxiety. The officer was tall and kind-faced, a sleek curtain of dark hair falling across his forehead. There was a tight but sympathetic smile on his impossibly symmetrical face, enviably high cheekbones catching the shadows of the room; he was young but there was something strangely reassuring about his brown eyes that calmed Mark a little as they shook hands and exchanged greetings. Howard moved away as the officer turned his attention to Mark and Gary, heading for the kitchen to busy himself making tea. The officer thanked Howard softly before glancing back to Mark and Gary, offering them a polite smile before he sat himself down in the armchair, turning himself slightly to face them.
“Officer,” Gary nodded awkwardly and the officer looked up at him with his warm brown eyes, offering another smile, this one a little brighter.
“Please, you can call me Adam,” he assured gently, producing a notebook and pen from his jacket. “Now, you two were the last to see Jason, his husband tells me?” He had a gentle Scottish lilt to his accent and his voice was soft and soothing – Mark wondered, briefly, if it was the reason he was assigned to this job in particular or if they had just got the luck of the draw.
“Last night. He came out for drinks with us…Howard was working away so we were helping Jay pass an hour or so before he came home today.” Gary shrugged a little helplessly. “He dropped us off at home about nine – we’re only about a half hour’s drive from here, he should’ve been home in no time.”
“And before you ask he hadn’t been drinking. He never does when he’s driving home,” Mark put in. Adam offered another of his small smiles.
“Ok, if I can just ask for a few more details then,” he said, scribbling something in his notebook before looking back up. “Let’s start with how Jason seemed when you were out with him – and the name of the pub would be helpful, so we can check with them to see if he went back there for any reason.”
From the kitchen Howard watched Mark and Gary answer the officer’s questions, his eyes not really on what he was doing but still somehow managing to get the kettle on to boil. He couldn’t judge what exactly the officer was thinking; the smile on his face was full of sympathy and understanding, but that could well all be training, and underneath he could be dying to get out of there, could be thinking there were more worthwhile jobs he could be called to, the whole time not realising just now unlike Jason this whole situation was. Something was wrong and Howard knew it, but as much as he hated to admit it, he also knew that the police needed more to go on than Howard’s intuition, even if his intuition was nearly always right when it came to his husband.
Once the officer had asked all of his questions of Mark and Gary, he turned his attention to Howard, who talked softly and slowly as he answered, keeping his eyes trained on a point in the middle distance as he talked about his and Jason’s life together, their interactions over the past few weeks and outlined where he’d been in the time since Jason was last seen, the whole time fighting to keep his voice steady. The one thing that reassured him was that – when he dared risk a glance at Adam – he could see his expression slowly changing, his brow beginning to knit together slightly as though his mind were already trying to solve the puzzle. Maybe there was hope that Jason’s case would be treated as something more than just another lost soul choosing to leave his life behind, maybe there was a chance that Howard, Mark and Gary weren’t the only people who believed in Jason after all.
“You said the apartment looked untouched when you got here today?” Adam’s soft Scottish timbre cut through Howard’s thoughts and he finally looked up and met the officer’s eyes directly.
“I know he hadn’t been here. Jay’s neat but…this is home, you know? If he’d been here I would’ve known.” Adam nodded carefully, glancing down at his notes and barely managing to disguise a slight wince as he drew in a deep breath.
“Listen, I know this is difficult – but would it be ok if I took a look around? I just need to see if there’s anything that might help us track Jason down, ok? And if you’ll let me look around the apartment, afterwards I’ll do a look around the building, speak to the building manager and try and get a hold of the CCTV from the front entrance. If we can get a clear picture of whether or not he did come back here last night then we can get a better idea of where to start looking. Is that alright with you, Howard?” For a moment Howard sat there, staring out of the window, not sure if ‘alright’ was a term he would remotely want to use for how he felt. But eventually he nodded, swallowed the lump in his throat and looked back at Adam.
“Yeah. Do whatever you need to do.”
As Howard had expected, there were no real clues to be found inside the apartment. Jason’s phone and car keys were both conspicuously absent, as was his satchel – the officer added those details to his notes before stepping outside to call back to the station and begin his inspection of the building. Once more an uncomfortable silence fell on the group, all of them staring into space, lost in their own thoughts. Mark tapped out a soft rhythm against his empty mug as he looked down into it, his expression blank. Gary closed his eyes and listened to the rain. “I would know if-” Howard’s voice broke the peace abruptly, but he cut himself off with equal suddenness, quickly turning his head and looking pointedly away from Mark and Gary, who had both turned to watch him with equal parts anxiety and sympathy. “I would know,” Howard repeated more quietly. Gary patted his arm.
“He’ll be home before you know it, Howard. Whatever’s happened, it’ll clear up in no time and he’ll be home.” He was impressed by the conviction in his own voice, and when he glanced across he saw Mark looking at him hopefully and offered him a tight smile. “It’ll all be fine,” he murmured. Even if he didn’t feel it, he wanted to keep saying it, as if saying it enough times might make it true. Mark smiled back at him, reaching across and squeezing his hand.
As they waited for the officer to return, Gary couldn’t help but notice Howard’s restlessness; every sound seemed to provoke a flash of hope in him that jolted through his whole body before immediately evaporating almost as suddenly as it had arrived. A sound as small as a raindrop hitting the window abnormally hard could trigger almost as much of a reaction from him as the phone ringing – his senses seemed to suddenly be more finely tuned, as though he was acutely aware of the volume of the silence that had engulfed them and could sense the vibration of every sound right down to his bones.
“That officer ought to have been back by now,” Howard muttered after half an hour had passed. There was a pained expression on his face, as though it was taking extreme willpower for him to not go charging out of the apartment, hunt down Officer Adam and demand answers immediately. “If there was nothing to find it would’ve taken him ten minutes and he’d back here full of apologies, tripping over himself to get back to the station and away,” he added, glancing up at Gary, who nodded reluctantly. There was no point lying to Howard, he wasn’t stupid and this wasn’t really a time for empty placation.
“Maybe he’s talking to people,” Mark suggested quietly. “Asking if they heard anything, or checking if Jay’s with someone in the building or something,” he added, not looking at either of them and instead focusing all his attention on Cadbury, who licked his nose in what Mark suspected was the puppy’s idea of a comforting gesture.
“I don’t think they’d start knocking on doors unless they found something. Something’s going on down there, I can feel it,” Howard said. He glanced over his shoulder at the windows, staring out for a moment, seemingly locked in some internal debate. Eventually he got to his feet and crossed over to the windows, peering down at the street below “There’s a second police car down there now,” he said softly after a minute and Mark and Gary exchanged anxious looks. “Jenny said she was going to call again on the hour – could you talk to her for me, Gaz? I don’t know how to tell her what’s happening and I…I’ve still got to talk to Grace at some point so I could just…I could use the help.”
“Of course, mate. Whatever you need.”
It wasn’t until an hour had passed that a careful knock sounded on the apartment door. Gary had just hung up from talking to Jenny Orange, and Howard was still by the windows, so it fell to Mark to answer the door. He scrambled to his feet quickly, relieved to finally be of some use, and Cadbury trotted after him obediently. Mark couldn’t help but smile slightly, quickly reaching down to scoop the puppy up into his arms before he opened the door.
As Mark juggled Cadbury precariously and pulled open the front door, Howard turned from the windows. Standing outside the apartment were two officers – a man and a woman – the same politely sympathetic smiles fixed on their faces as Officer Adam had had before. For a second they cast their eyes around each of the trio before the woman seemed to take the decision to take charge.
“Hi, I’m Officer Barnes and this is Officer Mundy – we believe our colleague was here earlier to ask you some questions about a missing persons case?”
“Did he find something?” Howard asked, coming over to the door. Officer Barnes and Officer Mundy exchanged glances.
“Would it be ok for us to come in, sir?” Officer Barnes asked. She had an unusual face – sloping but pretty with large, round eyes that had a certain kindliness to them. She was petite but there was something motherly about her and Howard offered her a small smile.
“Call me Howard – I’m Jay’s husband. Come in.” Officer Barnes smiled.
“My name’s Kathryn, and this is Ben,” she said, nodding her head to her colleague, who looked impossibly young and far too sweet for the police force, in Howard’s opinion. His eyes were large, brown and starry, his skin pale and his dark hair standing at all angles, clearly having been attacked by the wind which was getting up outside. As the two stepped inside, Gary came over to join them by the door, placing a comforting hand on the small of Mark’s back and nodding politely at the two officers. “Ben and I are actually liaisons officers, and our colleagues called us down here because it was felt your husband’s case was more serious than initially expected.” Officer Barnes seemed to wince slightly at her own words, tucking a flyaway strand of chestnut hair back into place and taking a breath. “You have to understand, adult missing persons cases are extremely difficult to judge – people have free will and they can and do choose to go missing sometimes and we have to treat things on a case-by-case basis.” Howard offered her a small, sad smile.
“It’s ok. I understand. And I know everyone thinks that they know best and it’s not like that person…but I swear to you, this is not who Jay is.” Officer Barnes smiled and nodded and Howard nodded back, feeling they had reached an understanding. “Maybe we should sit down. I’m guessing they didn’t send liaisons officers to fill us in on missing persons statistics,” he added grimly, and so the group moved over to the sofa, Gary taking the armchair and Mark balancing himself next to him on the arm.
As soon as the officers had sat themselves down, Cadbury made a break for freedom from Mark’s grasp, making a beeline for Officer Mundy, his tail wagging. Officer Barnes chuckled slightly and rolled her eyes.
“It’s the same everywhere we go. Puppies all love Ben – I think they think he’s one of them,” she explained, and Officer Mundy glanced up with a smile that was half-apologetic and half-amused. Howard even managed a smile, shaking his head slightly.
“Sorry,” Officer Mundy shrugged, still scratching Cadbury behind the ears nonetheless. Looking at him, Gary was struck by just how young he looked; it was more than just the wideness of his eyes and his open smile – there was a rounded sweetness to his face, a twinkling to his smile. Seeming to sense Gary’s thought’s, Officer Mundy shrugged again, more uncomfortably this time. “I only just got put on liaisons – Kathryn is my supervisor,” he said simply before suddenly sitting up a little straighter and glancing over at Howard. “Look, Kathryn and I are about to give you a lot of information, and we’re going to try and fill you in as best we can with what our colleagues are doing to help find your husband, but you’re free to ask to stop or take a break at any time. We’ll endeavour to answer any questions you might have about what we’re doing or how we’re doing it, but you’re just as free to tell us when you would rather not hear about any aspect, ok?” Officer Mundy glanced between his supervisor and Howard, offering another tentative smile. “Our job is essentially to keep you as informed as possible, but also to make sure you’re as comfortable as you can be with everything going on.” Howard nodded slowly, blowing out a breath and leaning forwards to rest his elbows on his knees. His blue eyes were bright and intense, but he kept them trained on the blank TV screen as though looking anywhere else might risk him completely falling apart.
“I want to know. Everything you know I want to know…even the stuff I don’t want to know, I want to know it. If that makes sense.” It was Officer Barnes’ turn to offer the understanding nod and smile.
“Absolutely,” she said softly. “As you know, my colleague you spoke to earlier went to look around your building and speak to your building manager. He was able to view the CCTV from last night immediately – the building manager was able to ID Jason on the footage. He arrived at the building last night around twenty to ten. He was alone when he came in through the main entrance and he initially headed for the lifts. The cameras in the entryway only cover the main entrance, inside and out – your husband appears to react to something and he moves towards the stairs…that’s the last picture we have of him.”
“The stairs are out of sight of the cameras,” Howard murmured. Officer Barnes nodded.
“Yes. He doesn’t appear on the cameras again. Because of that, our colleague – Officer Lake – then went to inspect the area around the stairs. He couldn’t see anything unusual on the staircase but he did notice that the building’s rear fire exit hadn’t been closed properly.”
“Some people on the lower floors leave it open sometimes coz it’s quicker for them to get from their cars to their apartments the back way,” Howard put in, a frown creasing his face. “If you’re worrying about the fire door, that means he found something else there,” he added, looking at the officers uneasily. Officer Mundy glanced down awkwardly, but Officer Barnes offered another cautious smile, nodding slowly.
“He found a phone on the ground by the path. The screen was cracked but the phone was still working…Ben, could you…” Officer Barnes made a gesture with her hand and Officer Mundy quickly opened up one of his pockets, pulling out an evidence bag containing a phone and handing it over. Officer Barnes held out the phone to Howard. It was in bad shape, having clearly caught a little of the rain, and as well as the badly cracked screen, there were scratches and smears of dirt all over it from lying outside for so long. Officer Barnes pressed the home button gently through the bag and the screen lit up. Missed call and message notifications filled most of the screen, but just behind Howard could make out the photograph he knew was Jason’s phone’s wallpaper – a picture of the two of them sitting on the stairs at Barlow’s, both laughing, Jason’s arm out about to give Howard a firm shove. Howard closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. “This was found by the fire door. Not far from that a bag was found – we didn’t find anything of note inside, but it matches the bag that Jason was carrying when he was last seen.” Howard nodded, swallowing hard but finding the action didn’t quite clear the lump in his throat as effectively as he’d hoped. Officer Barnes’ own expression seemed pained and when Howard glanced up at her he knew there was more. He sighed.
“What else?” he asked in a small voice that somehow didn’t sound like his own. Officer Barnes nodded, taking a moment to choose her words, looking down at her hands before bringing her gaze back up to Howard, making a great effort to keep her look steady and calm and her tone even.
“Officer Lake also found a small amount blood – some on the door and some on the path. As terrible as I know that sounds, I need you to keep in mind that this is no more blood than if you got a graze or a scratch; there’s a sharp edge on the door and our suspicion is that someone cut themselves on it by accident. The blood on the path is just as small and could be from an entirely different person, but under the circumstances we’re not ruling out that it could be related to your husband’s disappearance. I know this is difficult to hear, but we will need something of Jason’s so that we can compare the DNA. A forensics unit has been called to come and deal with all of this and they’ll be here soon, as long as you agree.” Howard closed his eyes and squeezed them shut, but he nodded all the same.
“Of course. Whatever you need you can take,” he whispered. “His stuff is all in the bathroom…mine’s still packed from work.” Officer Barnes nodded and looked over at Officer Mundy, who quickly got to his feet and moved away, leaving the apartment as quietly as possible. Bewildered as he was by everything he’d just heard, Gary didn’t think to question where he was going or why. He glanced up at Mark, whose face was pale and subdued – a foreign look on him – and he reached up to rub his back soothingly.
“So what happens now?” Gary asked carefully, flicking a quick glance across at Howard, whose eyes were still closed as he sat with his head bent, eerily still – Howard was so rarely still, always fidgeting and fiddling with his hands, it was strange to see him without that constant movement.
“Well, there was no sign of any keys on the stairs or outside the fire door, and of course his car is still missing as well. We’ve taken the details down and put the registration into our national computer, so if his car does turn up anywhere we will have a really good chance of officers being able to pull it over and see who’s driving. Officer Lake is still talking to people in your building, but when we arrived he’d already spoken to the people in the first and second floor apartments – around ten last night they heard a raised voices, but it was brief so none of them went outside to check on it. It gives us a timeline to work with at least and that will help. There is one more difficult thing I will have to ask of the three of you-”
“Let me guess, you need to make sure we all were where we say we were?” Howard interrupted softly. He didn’t sound angry, just resigned and sad. Gary glanced down and Mark winced. “It’s ok. I get it. The husband, the last people to see him – I don’t like it but I have nothing to hide. And I’d trust these two with my life.” Howard looked over at Officer Barnes and shrugged. “You do what you have to do. If it helps find Jay as soon as possible? I’ll do it. Nothing is more important to me than having him home.”
***
Two weeks. Howard had never known how long two weeks could feel before, and he had never known two weeks where he had slept less or needed his energy more. He spent his nights jumping at shadows, overly aware of all the unoccupied space that surrounded him and constantly hearing sounds that weren’t there. He thought he heard Jason sometimes; his voice in a crowd, the sound of him closing a cupboard in the kitchen, the rustle of the duvet beside him. He was wrong every time. It was impossible for him to relax, to let himself drift off to sleep; his body was constantly on alert, waiting for a sound that never seemed to come. The silence roared in his ears at night. The raindrops played tricks on him, shifting shadows and hitting the glass late at night, just when he’d finally found sleep, bringing him out of it immediately and filling him with brief rushes of false hope. It was exhausting. But as tired as he felt, it was impossible to stop it – his body ached but it wouldn’t give up, his muscles constantly tensed and his mind always racing.
It hadn’t taken long for the police to confirm that the blood they had found was Jason’s. But that had been the only news since the day Jason had vanished – Officer Barnes and Officer Mundy both kept in constant contact, but more often than not all they had to say was that there was nothing they could tell him. Howard wanted so badly to stop himself hoping but he couldn’t. Jason had always said he loved his stubborn streak – maybe that was the thought that kept Howard going, he wasn’t sure. He knew Mark and Gary were worried about him but he couldn’t bring himself to try to reassure them; he didn’t have time to worry about himself when he was worrying for Jason, and they were so worried for Jason that they didn’t have the energy to press him too much for his thoughts and feelings. They knew him well enough to not really need to ask, and they were as aware of his stubborn streak as Jason was.
The closest he’d come to cracking under the strain was telling Grace. He’d called Vicky the morning after Jason had disappeared, the two of them spending the better part of two hours discussing everything that Howard knew and didn’t know before entering into the long and complicated conversation about how much to tell Grace and how to tell it to her. In the end their back and forth had been irrelevant; Grace wouldn’t be talked down to. She’d known something was wrong – it had to be for him to turn up unexpectedly at her mum’s on a school night – and she’d been antsy but determined before he and Vicky had even managed to get her sitting down. She’d been upset but defiant throughout their carefully worded explanations, and when she sensed she wasn’t being told everything her upset had almost entirely melted away, turning to anger as she insisted – despite her mum’s protests – she hear everything. Oddly it was his daughter’s cross, stormy expression as she demanded answers that had revived the fight in Howard. She’d sniffled a little but tried to be strong when he eventually explained what the police had found and she’d insisted on staying with him for a week; he and Vicky had decided a long time ago to include her in big decisions and they let her do what she felt she needed to do with very little argument, but after the week was up they had insisted she try to go back to normal. Howard had known how laughable an idea it was but he couldn’t keep Grace locked in the same unhealthy cycle he was locked in and he had stood by the decision, even when Grace protested. He did know she’d been wearing her ring on a chain under her uniform at school though, and he reminded himself to thank Jason for making sure they added that particular gesture to their wedding – when Jason came home, of course. And he would come home.
With Grace going back to her mum’s, it was Mark and Gary who seemed to have decided to make it their job to keep him company now, to force him out of the apartment from time to time and attempt to stop him from driving himself crazy. They were almost as shaken as he was, of course, and the shop had been closed almost every day since the day after Jason had first gone missing, though Dawn, understanding as she was, had opened up a few times, calling it an unpaid favour and insisting they didn’t need to worry about making it up to her. She loved Jason too, after all. Even despite their avoidance of the shop, Howard could tell that Mark and Gary were slowly starting to find a way of pushing through their fear and sadness, were starting to emerge out of the other side of the strangeness into a new version of normal which they could just about cope with. He envied them that. He supposed it was different for them; they didn’t have to listen to the silence every night, they had each other to fall back on. They may have had their sleepless nights, but they could keep each other company during them at least. Howard was sure they still must have slept more than he had these past two weeks. It wasn’t as if he was incapable of falling asleep without Jason in the bed next to him – he managed it when his gigs took him away from home – but it still wasn’t the same. If he couldn’t sleep, he’d phone Jason and the two of them would talk until one or the other of them drifted off. Then other nights he’d let exhaustion just take over; he’d notice the space in the bed and sometimes he’d find it hard to get comfortable without Jason to pull closer and curl around, but there was always the promise that – if he just got through the night – Jason would be there again soon. Certainty and promises were his and Jason’s currency, the understanding that their relationship worked around – the not knowing was foreign and unsettling and it pervaded everything around Howard constantly.
The rain had stopped half an hour ago and the apartment had settled into the now-familiarly loud silence that drove Howard mad. He huffed out a breath and pushed the covers back, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling for a moment, carefully keeping his eyes away from the empty pillow beside him. He’d made not crying into an art form; everyone around him seemed to be waiting for the moment when he broke down and lost it, but for whatever reason the tears were never there, even when he felt that painful lump in this throat. But there was no need to try and force them out – he kept his eyes distracted, found strange details to focus on to keep his mind preoccupied. Tonight it was the speckled patterns of shadow that the raindrops on the window were casting on the bedroom ceiling. But after five minutes he felt himself growing restless and he let out a frustrated sigh before suddenly pushing himself up from the bed. He needed to be doing something, needed to find a task to focus on so that the silence – or worse, the memories – didn’t play on his mind.
He padded down the corridor, the space seeming strangely cavernous now that he was the only one occupying it. Raindrops glinted on the vast living room windows, lights dancing off them from outside; blue, red, orange and gold blurs that were both shapeless and distant, signs of a world carrying on around him whilst he stood, trapped and slowly suffocating. He wondered, idly, when the last time he had dreamed had been – he didn’t know where the thought came from but he stilled for a moment as he tried to remember. Why was his subconscious so content to taunt him with a mixture of memories and false hopes when he was awake, but offer no dreams of Jason to tempt him to sleep more deeply? He clenched his jaw and closed his eyes, agitation sparking inside him, though he wasn’t entirely sure why. He didn’t enjoy all this falling apart; hated the pitying looks it won him and all the offers to talk. He didn’t want to talk, he just wanted Jason. Wanted to see the flash of his eyes when he sensed a challenge, hear that lazy laugh of his when the four of them were at the shop messing around. He’d cry if he saw Jason, he thought. Jason wouldn’t look at him in that dreadful, pitying way; he’d smile quietly in that knowing way of his, probably muster some soft tease or a sweet kiss. He took a deep breath at the thought, a slight catch in his throat but still no tears. Just more raindrops on the windows as the rain started up once more outside. God he missed having someone who understood him so instinctively that words weren’t necessary, because aside from Mark and Gary he was beginning to feel like no one understood him. Jason’s family certainly didn’t: he could feel their growing agitation with him and it bothered him immensely, unsure what it was they wanted from him, why his steely belief in Jason didn’t seem to answer their questions the way they wanted.
He shook his head and quickly forced himself to move, remembering why he’d been so intent upon finding a task before. He didn’t like the way his mind would roam through all his worst thoughts when he stayed still for too long. Almost without thinking, he headed to the kitchen, moving on autopilot around the small space as he began to make himself a sandwich. It wasn’t that he hadn’t been eating, but he had been forgetting to eat and putting off making the effort until odd times of the night. Whilst everyone else found a new normal, Howard stubbornly refused routine and he supposed it was just one more, tiny act of defiance. He imagined Jason, rolling his eyes and smiling fondly: ‘DJ’s hours – what am I going to do with you, eh? Give over, come here, I’ll make that, you go sit down’ he’d mutter with a laugh, pushing Howard gently away but letting him kiss his temple as their paths crossed.
He glanced at the noticeboard, studying the small calendar that Jason kept there and trying to get his head around what day of the week it was, trying to make sense of the blur that everything had become. Gary and Mark were going back to the shop tomorrow and they’d invited Howard to come too – he wanted to try, to make the effort and find some small piece of comfort in their friendship, but Howard found it hard to focus on anything but trying to keep breathing in and out.
He wasn’t sure if it was his wandering mind or his natural ability to make a mess that made the knife slip from his hands, but the clatter it landed with made him flinch as it echoed through the empty apartment, seeming to bounce off every surface. It landed on the breakfast bar, leaving a smear of butter across the polished surface. And Howard stilled, staring down at it, wanting desperately to move, blink, find a distraction but not able to break out of his stupor.
“Fuck,” he choked out, the sound a half-sob though still no tears fell. The memory bubbled up, un-asked for and unwanted, and he couldn’t push it down, even as he squeezed his eyes shut and focused on the drum of raindrops on the windows.
***
“Howard, what part of no are you not following?” Jason snapped, slamming the knife he was holding down against the breakfast bar and leaving a smudge of butter across the surface. Howard winced at the sound but Jason’s eyes were bright and determined and he didn’t waver. “I’m not going, ok? You can’t make me, there’s no reason for you to want to make me, discussion over.” He folded his arms and looked at Howard expectantly, clearly wanting him to do the sensible thing – the right thing – and back down and apologise. But Howard was every bit as stubborn and proud as Jason and that part of him wouldn’t let him back down. It was their first real row for months but Howard couldn’t seem to bring himself to pull it back. Neither one of them wanted to argue, not really. But they weren’t built to meekly nod and smile and sometimes it would bubble over into a blazing row that did nothing to change how they felt about each other but still left a slightly bitter taste in their mouths. It was who they were and they accepted it about each other, not that that ever made it easier to take when it was happening.
“I don’t understand why you’re being so stubborn about something that isn’t even that big of a deal. Neither one of us likes it when I have to go away for one night, never mind six – so why not come with me? What possible objection can you have or are you just overthinking everything, as usual?” Howard demanded, surprised by the force of his own voice. Jason’s blue eyes glinted with something – hurt, Howard thought guiltily – and he stood a little taller, a muscle in his cheek twitching as he forced down whatever instinctively biting remark had come to his mind, trying to keep the moral high ground.
“I have a job too, you know,” he said at last, his teeth still gritted and his voice low. Howard let out a bark of a laugh, but regretted it immediately, knowing it was harsh and cruel and hating that they were so good at getting to each other at times like this. The price of knowing each other as well as they did was that – when they fought – they knew all their weaknesses and had to suppress their battle instincts to avoid crossing the line and poking at the wrong soft spot.
“Jay, Gaz would give you the time off and you know it – how many holidays and sick days do you have in the bank with him anyway?! This job pays better for those six days than yours does for six weeks, we’ll cope and so will Barlow’s.” Jason’s body tensed and he shook his head frustratedly, staring up at the ceiling for a moment. Howard could see him fighting to keep his calm and he deflated slightly. “Jay-”
“No. No, How. Please don’t.” Jason’s voice was quiet but steady and he slowly turned his gaze back to Howard, looking at him carefully, eyes shining. “Why are you making me fight over this with you? Why is this the battle you want to pick? We both know you can go weeks at a time without a gig – we get plenty of time together then; six days, six weeks, longer. And in that time, my job is the only one bringing money in. So I would like to carry on doing whatever it is I can to keep it, ok?” He looked at Howard imploringly, and when Howard simply looked down instead of offering an immediate retort he let out a heavy sigh, leaning against the breakfast bar and rubbing his hands over his face. “Look: you go, you earn your keep. And when you come back I will still love you, for my sins. You already have everything I have to give, Howard, you know? So, I’m sorry if I don’t want to give you these six days as well.” Howard looked up, opening his mouth to speak, about to put an end to the fight and apologize, not even knowing what he was fighting for anymore anyway. But then Jason surprised him by letting out a soft, tired chuckle, glancing up at him with a wry smile. “How, what are we doing?” he asked, eyes sparkling, and Howard stared at him for a moment before letting out a soft laugh of his own, shaking his head slightly. He touched a hand to Jason’s cheek, brushing his fingertips across his skin and watching with a fond smile as his eyes briefly fluttered closed. When they opened again they met his immediately. It felt good. “Seriously, of all the things to have a domestic about, this is what we pick?” Jason smiled. “We’re a psychology experiment waiting to happen, you know that?” he added and Howard grinned, leaning in and pressing a kiss to his forehead.
“Will you shut up already, Orange? I’m trying to fight with you here,” he murmured against his skin, and Jason swotted at him half-heartedly, smirking despite himself.
“How about you stop trying to fight with me when I’m trying to make you smile?” he countered and Howard pulled a face.
“Now you see, that sounds like a whole other fight right there,” he said playfully, ducking away when Jason tried to smack him lightly on the arm. He leant back against the breakfast bar, placing his hands across it and waggling his fingers enticingly, and with slight roll of his eyes and a smile, Jason obligingly placed his hands in Howard’s, clasping them tightly. “I’m sorry I’m a tit, ok?” Howard said gently.
“It’s my fault: I married you,” Jason smirked, pushing himself forwards to capture a quick kiss that Howard smiled into gratefully. “For what it’s worth I still love you. Despite it and because of it, more fool me,” he added with a half-shrug. “I love that you’re stubborn, even if it does drive me crazy. Just maybe pick a different battle next time, ok?”
“Ok, deal” Howard chuckled. “Would it help if I agreed to be a little bit less of tit in future?”
“It’d be a good start,” Jason smiled in reply, eyes suddenly dancing with mischief, and Howard sensed an opportunity to steal another kiss, this one deeper, and Jason let him without protest. When they pulled back, Howard kept their faces close, watching contentedly as Jason’s eyes reopened and focused back on his own.
“Am I forgiven now?” he asked and Jason’s lips twisted into a lopsided smile that he tried and failed to smother.
“You’re not fighting fair now, love,” he pointed out and Howard waggled his eyebrows, coaxing out a soft laugh from Jason. “You’re forgiven…a little bit,” he conceded and Howard tilted his head to one side in curiosity.
“A little bit?! Come on, love, this is my best material!” he protested with a grin and Jason bit back another laugh, putting his hand in Howard’s face and slowly pushing him back.
“Exactly!” he pointed out, beaming as he finally released Howard and pointed his finger at him warningly. “You’re cheating,” he added, still smiling and Howard chuckled shamelessly.
“So?” he countered, and Jason shook his head in a show of despair.
“Stop it long enough for me to clean up that bloody butter and then I will consider – only consider, mind – letting you fight dirty with me a little longer in your quest for forgiveness.” Howard raised his eyebrows and he could see Jason struggling to keep his composure.
“Game on, Jason Orange,” Howard stated, tugging on Jason’s other hand – still clasped in his own – and dragging him close enough to steal yet another, deep kiss.
***
He was sitting by the window again. Silent and solemn, blue eyes fixed on the sky out beyond, carefully never meeting her own. His hand was curled protectively against his chest, his feet tucked under him, and he shrank away from the room as though he feared making too much of an impression on it. She watched him from over the top of her book and longed for him to talk to her the way he used to, longed to see that smile of his again.
“Are you happy?” she asked him suddenly, her voice soft and cautious. She didn’t know how to talk to him anymore, couldn’t seem to find any words to make him look at her with any light in his eyes like before. He barely reacted to the sound of her voice, simply glanced down and pulled himself in tighter, curling inwards.
“I was happy,” he murmured. His lips were a pale, emotionless line when he spoke, but as he paused something clouded his eyes for a moment and the very corner of his lips twitched up for just a second. “Two and half weeks ago I was really happy actually,” he added in a whisper that was little more than a breath. “Howard had a gig in Manchester and we went together. We messed around and got home late but way too wired to sleep so we talked all night about stuff and nonsense and…it was perfect.” He laughed sadly. “But I guess that was another life though, right?” he asked her, finally looking up at her, his blue eyes hauntingly bright and sad. There was anger and frustration in his voice, but his eyes gave away something more, a hurt that she didn’t like to look at, so she quickly looked away.
“Why aren’t you happy?” she whispered. “Why aren’t you happy, when will you be happy again? Please be happy.”
“I doesn’t work like that, you know. You don’t get to tell me how to feel.” He shrugged. “I think you know the answers to your questions anyway, deep down. I think you know more than you want to know – you keep asking me because you hope I’m going to tell you what you want to hear. But I won’t.”
“That’s not a very nice thing to say me,” she muttered, looking up at him with a sharp, bitter scowl. But he hardly flinched at her changing moods anymore, didn’t react to much at all, as though he’d found a way to hollow himself out in some bizarre act of self-preservation that she couldn’t wrap her head around.
“I know,” he replied quietly. “It’s still true, though.” She clenched her jaw, narrowing her eyes at him, the anger building. But he simply closed his eyes, keeping his shoulders square and turning his head away, some steely reserves of defiance coming out as if he sensed her changing mood and was bracing himself for the hit. It took everything she had to not play into it, to not make him feel like he knew better than she did when she was determined to make him see just how much he had wrong. She drew in a slow, deep breath before snapping her book shut.
“It’s late. We should sleep.” He opened his eyes and regarded her carefully, and she tried to keep her expression neutral, swallowing down the torrent of words she wanted to say in favour of something softer. “I’m going to sleep,” she added, setting her book down on the bedside table. She looked at him, meeting his questioning gaze and patting the bed slightly.
“Ok,” he replied blankly and she sighed in frustration.
“You might sleep more if you slept here instead of over there,” she tried, but he simply shook his head and turned away, his eyes going back to the window yet again. “Fine. Have it your way.”
With a click she turned off her bedside light, still watching him in the light that came through the window; she let him keep the curtains open because she hoped it would relax him – there was always a look in his eyes when he watched the rain that, wistful and sad as it was, enchanted her. She loved to see his unguarded face in the half-shadows cast by the streetlamps and the moon.
Jason could feel her eyes on him in the dark but he couldn’t bring himself to argue. He didn’t have the strength for another of her confusing fights, her emotions shifting by the second and her questions and arguments rarely making sense. He was running on his last reserves of strength and these sleepless nights weren’t helping. But he refused to move to the bed. And besides, his mind wouldn’t let him rest no matter where he slept. Being by the window calmed him, though. Restored some sort of strength to him in a way he didn’t understand entirely. He put it down to being able to see the sky; whatever else had happened, it was still that same sky that Howard slept beneath, that same moonlight that would fall through his – their – bedroom window somewhere across the city. He hoped that Howard was ok, although deep down he realised that ‘ok’ was probably impossible; he knew Howard better than to think he hadn’t noticed how wrong all of this was, that the wrongness wasn’t getting to him and pervading the space around him. That thought made him feel awful and his stomach turned over in guilt. He tore his eyes from the window, briefly looking at the door – he looked at it sometimes, tried to puzzle it out. But it was hopeless and he knew it; he was helpless here.
It had begun to rain again and the sound of the raindrops on the glass brought his eyes back to the window. They were under the same skies, the same rain – it was something and nothing but it mattered to him and he relished the pitter-pat against the glass. He desperately wanted to feel that rain on his skin, feel some cold air, feel connected to the world again – connected to Howard. Keeping his eyes closed, he reached a hand into his pocket, smiling softly when his fingertips brushed against the cool metal of his wedding ring. It was something. It was a feeling – a connection – that still stood despite everything, that same coolness of metal against Howard’s skin; he would play with his ring sometimes, turning it round on his finger; always moving, Howard, always hiding his shyness behind jokes and nervous ticks. Jason swallowed the lump in his throat and opened his eyes, wondering idly if he could confide his love to the raindrops and hope they would pass the message on somehow. Now was no time to cry, he supposed. If he could swallow his fear then maybe Howard could too, and maybe they would both somehow find the strength they would need. He had promised Howard so much, he thought, sadly. But he knew, at least, that if anyone could keep faith in those for this many lonely nights, then it was Howard. It had to be.
***
Gary stood just inside the doorway of the shop, looking around him with a strange mixture of apprehension and relief. Everything was still, and a second layer of dust had settled upon every surface. The floorboard creaked slightly beneath his feet and the familiar smell of old books and honey-tea filled the air. A pair of empty mugs were abandoned on the stairs, sitting atop a haphazard stack of songbooks that Gary had been sorting through the day Jason disappeared. The instruments leant together to form a silent welcoming party and the pianos peeked out at him from the back room – it was strange how everything looked the same but felt so foreign and Gary sighed sadly, an increasingly familiar awkwardness coming over him as he looked around the space. The shop’s bell rang behind him and Mark appeared at his side, giving his arm a squeeze before striding further into the roon. He turned slowly, assessing every corner with his beady grey-blue eyes, before purposefully removing his hat and throwing it over a saxophone and heading over to the archway to peer into the side room. Gary watched him, watched the way he leant against the arch and stared at the till with a sad smile, and he knew immediately what he was thinking: how odd it was to see that till without Jason being there to smile knowingly and make pointed remarks about them being late.
“So…back to work,” Mark murmured, eyes still surveying the side room forlornly. Gary came over to join him, resting a hand on the small of his back and kissing his temple.
“It is for me – but you know you don’t have to be here, Marko. I don’t pay you a wage; if you’re not ready for this then you don’t have to be.” Mark smiled up at him lopsidedly, giving a small half-shrug.
“No. If you have to do it I should too…we all have to try and make a new normal some time, you know? We can’t hold our breath forever.” He winced slightly then and shook his head, his gaze turning back to the room gloomily. “I feel terrible every time I say stuff like that, Gaz. I feel like we’re betraying him or something. Or Howard. Or both of them.” Gary nodded, rubbing Mark’s back soothingly and letting out a long sigh.
“I know. I feel that way just being here. But…life does go on. I understand why Howard’s not ready yet, but eventually…we just have to plough on through and hope that – someday soon – the answers will all fall into place and things will get easier, one way or another.”
For a drawn out minute they stood there, enjoying the comfort of the embrace and trying to come to terms with the uneasy feeling that came over them as they regarded that space that had become so associated with Jason’s presence. But eventually Mark let out a long sigh and turned his eyes down, twisting around to bury his face in Gary’s chest. Gary looked down at him, wrapping his other arm around him and kissing the top of his head. “Are you sure you don’t want to go back home? I can drop you off and come back in the afternoon?” Mark smiled and looked up into his face.
“You’re a real sweetheart, Barlow, you know that? Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise,” he breathed, standing on his tiptoes to press a kiss to Gary’s lips. Gary smiled back at him warmly, studying the soft, friendly lines of his face. “I’ll be ok. Like you said…life has to go on somehow. It’s crazy but it’s true.” Gary nodded, kissing Mark’s forehead in a soothing gesture before suddenly spinning the two of them round, carrying Mark away from the side room and back to the middle of the shop floor. Mark blinked up at him bewildered and Gary offered him a twinkling, showbiz smile, grabbing his hand and tugging him off towards the piano room, lifting him up to sit on the baby grand and then sitting himself down on the piano stool. It was graceful, in its own way, and Mark couldn’t help but laugh as he watched, enjoying seeing a little of that Barlow Sparkle returning.
“And what was that for?” he laughed brightly, leaning down to steal a quick kiss.
“Because I miss seeing you smile. Oh, and because you’re short enough for me to be able to use it to my advantage,” Gary grinned, waggling his eyebrows and making Mark chuckle.
“I’m not short, I’m adorable,” he protested half-heartedly and Gary nodded.
“Sure. And a menace,” he shot back dryly and Mark stuck his tongue out at him. At first Mark smiled, then a playful frown crossed his face and he glanced between Gary and the baby grand exaggeratedly.
“Hang on: was that speech for me or have you been chatting up the piano this entire time?” he joked and Gary punished him with a shameless tickle, their laughter echoing warmly through the shop, brushing aside the melancholy dust and adding the tiniest splash of colour to the grey.
***
The sign was turned to open, and he could hear the sound of Mark’s laughter coming from inside, but still he couldn’t bring himself to go inside. Maybe his tolerance level for the unsettling empty spaces left behind wasn’t as high as Mark and Gary’s, maybe his personal definition of normal was just a little different, but whatever the reason, his life simply wasn’t stuttering back into motion the way the lives of those around him were. Howard knew the logic of ‘life goes on’, understood all the reasons and justifications – he didn’t really hold it against anyone that their worlds kept turning whilst his stayed stubbornly still, but he wished they could spare him the pity, and worse, the judgement. He twisted the ring on his finger, closing his eyes a moment and focusing on nothing but the cool metal against his skin. No one had to live with as constant a reminder of absence as he did, no one had to live with such a constant reason to hope. He tipped his head back and opened his eyes, studying the pale grey of the Manchester sky; for the first time in days it didn’t seem to be threatening rain, and oddly he found that he missed the raindrops with their constant noise. He liked to feel the rain on his skin, their brutal coolness strangely reassuring – confirmation that he was still alive, still going on somehow, and perhaps he saw a dare in it too, a challenge. I like a challenge – weren’t those the very words that had made Jason’s eyes flash at him in that electric way for the very first time? Howard smiled sadly; this wasn’t a challenge he’d seen coming, of course.
Shoving his hands in his pockets, Howard turned sharply from the door and started to stride off down Oldham Street. He had no real destination or plan in mind for his day, but he needed to be out of the apartment for a while, that much he was sure of. He needed to be somewhere that held no memories, to lose himself in amongst a crowd of people who had no idea who he and Jason were let alone what they meant to each other. He wanted to be in a place where every space was filled – overcrowded – and the silences were constantly broken into by people’s bodies moving, their voices loud and plain. He was tired of the voices that weren’t there, the pauses and the shadows that seemed to move but always turned out to just be empty space.
As he walked he began to play with his wedding ring once more. It was a quiet acknowledgement that there was no safe place; he could find reminders everywhere, his and Jason’s lives had bled so deeply into each other and the effect was irrevocable. That thought – though bittersweet – was strangely comforting. The promises still stood, as long as that pain was there. Everything for everything meant good and bad – he’d give every last bit of fight to keep moving despite the ache he felt in his bones, and at the end of it he would be given everything back, because that was their deal. All of Jason’s love was still his, he knew, even if the answers to his questions were something Jason would never be able to give.
He had thrown himself in with Jason a long time ago and he had no intention of backing out now.
***
“Howard Donald, would you stop?!” Jason’s laugh was rough and warm and it made Howard grin, even as Jason elbowed him half-heartedly in his ribs. “You will put me down right now,” Jason warned without conviction, twisting his head to look up at Howard with glittering blue eyes, and Howard grinned back at him unrepentantly, his arms still wrapped firmly around Jason’s waist.
“Shan’t,” he stated, his tone playful, and he interlocked their fingers, artfully twirling Jason around so that he was facing him. “Not unless you make me,” he challenged, pulling their bodies close once more, his hands coming to rest on Jason’s hips. “All you’ve done today is look at songbooks and count stock, so now it’s my job to make sure you get a little downtime.” He pressed a kiss to Jason’s forehead then leant back to meet his gaze, arching one eyebrow mischievously. “You see the things I go through just for you?” he asked and Jason smiled, shaking his head slightly and giving Howard a small shove.
“Let it never be said that Howard Donald isn’t noble,” he shot back dryly, chuckling as Howard dipped his head to press a trail of kisses from the crook of his neck up slowly to the corner of his mouth. He shoved Howard lightly once more but made no attempt to move away as Howard held them there, his smiling lips still against the corner of Jason’s mouth.
“I could be noble if you wanted me to be,” he murmured into Jason’s skin, and Jason’s smile softened as he closed his eyes, finally leaning into Howard with a small, contented sigh.
“I know. But I’d rather you just be you,” he replied quietly. His eyes fluttered open and he tipped his head back, reaching up to touch a hand to Howard’s chin and forcing him to meet his eyes. “Even when you’re a nuisance, I want you – I mean really you, ok?” he added and Howard smiled shyly.
“You sure about that?”
“You know I am,” Jason stated simply, reaching up to press a firm kiss to his lips. “I could live without you, you know, you big idiot,” he added, a light in his eyes as he leant their foreheads together “I just choose not to.” Howard laughed softly, reaching up to cup Jason’s cheek.
“Yeah, me too,” he agreed, his voice achingly soft and tender. Jason’s lips curved into a wide, warm smile and he pulled Howard in for a lingering kiss, his spine arching gracefully as Howard pulled him closer and closer, flush against his body.
A loud clatter broke the peace, making both of them flinch, and Jason laughed against Howard’s lips before finally breaking the kiss and burying his face in Howard’s chest. Howard could only chuckle and wrap his arms tightly around Jason as Gary’s voice destroyed their moment, coming from the front room.
“Bloody hell, who on earth put that there?!”
“You did, and you bloody left me here! You’re a clumsy oaf, Barlow, you know that?” was Mark’s mischievous response. Jason looked back up at Howard with a smirk and Howard shrugged, quiet amusement dancing in his eyes. He moved his hands back up to cup Jason’s face and kissed his forehead.
“I love you, you know, but sometimes I don’t love your friends,” he joked and Jason laughed, rolling his eyes and giving Howard a peck on the lips.
“I don’t know why you’re laughing, it’s your mug that’s now half empty,” Gary was saying, his voice carrying all too easily through the dim warmth of the shop.
“In that case, I’ll take your mug,” Mark replied cheerfully, his voice musical and bright as it filled the air.
“Oi!” Gary protested, but by the sound of Mark’s exaggerated slurp, he didn’t put up much of a fight. “What am I going to do with you?!” he added in a fond, exasperated sigh.
Quiet descended upon the shop once more at last, and Howard and Jason looked at each other intently, adrift from everything and everyone else for a moment that could’ve been one minute but could just as easily have been one hour. Howard pressed a small, brief kiss to Jason’s lips.
“Sometimes I look around and it hits me; how uncertain and unknown everything is, how it’s so easily questioned, you know?” he whispered, brushing his knuckles along Jason’s cheek. “And then I look at you. And none of the questions really have their answers, nothing’s suddenly proved that couldn’t be before – but I don’t feel like anything is so uncertain anymore. I don’t know anything but I know everything at the same time. Does that sound crazy?” Jason’s lips curved at the corners in quiet understanding, and he reached up to take Howard’s hand in his own, stilling it against his cheek. Firm but fond, that gesture. Howard didn’t look away from Jason’s eyes.
“It’s an act of faith, I think,” Jason murmured, shrugging slightly. “You throw yourself in with someone and you say your prayers – even if you never hear the answer, you hope it’ll come, one way or another. If it’s love then it does.” Jason let go of Howard’s hand then, moving to cup Howard’s face in his hands in a mirroring gesture. “Maybe it’s messy, maybe it’s daft, maybe it leaves us fighting for no reason sometimes…but it always leads us back here. I believe in that much – don’t you?” Howard chuckled slightly, soft and warm, grateful more than amused.
“Yeah. I really do.” Jason smiled at him.
“Good. We’re agreed then,” he whispered. “Just remember that on all your rainy days and you and me might just be ok, Howard Donald; call it a lesson in faith.”
***
Gary was sprawled idly across the sofa, his eyes on the screen but his mind elsewhere. At his side, Mark sat scribbling in a notebook, a lock of hair falling across his face and his tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth as he concentrated hard, only pausing occasionally to chew the end of his pen and squint frustratedly at what he’d written. In the background, the local news chattered away softly. Neither one of them were paying it much mind, but both of them jumped when the story changed and Jason’s picture appeared on the screen. Gary sat up a little and Mark’s pen stilled as he sensed Gary’s movement, and he two men watched – stricken – as the newsreader launched into the story with a cool professionalism that was jarring and horrifying in that strange way that didn’t allow them to look away.
“Police launched an appeal for information today regarding the disappearance of a Salford man. Jason Orange disappeared from his apartment building over two weeks ago following drinks with friends, under circumstances deemed by police to be ‘unusual’. Police launched the appeal along with Mr. Orange’s husband and family after struggling to find any new lines of investigation through their own enquiries…” The report continued to list details Gary and Mark already knew, the grainy CCTV pictures of Jason now filling the screen, and the two men exchanged a glance. They’d known the appeal was today, had offered to be there for Howard more than once but he’d declined, insisting he’d be fine on his own. Gary begged to differ when the report shifted to footage from the press conference: Howard sat, ashen and quiet, beside a pained-looking Justin and Jenny Orange as they appealed for information, for Jason – if he was listening – to come home again. Howard only spoke when directly addressed, his brows knitted into a frown and his blue eyes oddly bright as he listened to the melee around him intently.
“I don’t know how Howard’s still standing after the past two weeks,” Gary murmured, eyes not leaving the screen. Mark shook his head slightly, biting at his lip, his eyes shining with a mixture of sadness and sympathy.
“Force of will, I think. Jay would be proud,” he replied and Gary raised a small smile at that.
The two of them lapsed into silence as Jason’s photograph once more was shown onscreen alongside a list of numbers and email addresses for people to contact with information. Gary suspected Howard had chosen the photograph – it had been taken during a pre-gig rehearsal a little less than a year ago and showed Jason with his hands clasped across the empty grip of a microphone stand, his head tipped to one side on top of them as he let out one of those warm, lazy laughs of his. It was pure Jason, caught in an unguarded moment, a smile in his blue eyes. The same shot was framed in Jason and Howard’s apartment alongside shots of Howard, Mark and Gary from the same day – they hung in a smart set of four black and whites on the living room wall, just by the door, and Gary smiled every time he saw them, appreciating the reminder that Jason saw them as his second family.
“I talked to Howard earlier. He called when he got back from the press conference,” Gary admitted slowly. Mark looked over at him expectantly and he let out a heavy sigh. “He told me things were getting bad between him and Jay’s family.” Mark’s face scrunched up in confusion at that and Gary winced.
“But why? Howard loves Jay to his bones, he wants him home just as much as anyone, maybe even more,” Mark frowned, outrage clouding grey in his eyes. “They know that, right? Because there’s probably people in space that know that, so it’s just crazy if they don’t.” Gary shook his head slightly and let his head drop back, staring up at the ceiling gloomily.
“He didn’t really go into it, which is fair enough I s’pose. It’s pretty grim.” He scrunched up his face in obvious disapproval of whatever it was he had heard and Mark looked up at him, giving him a slight nudge.
“Go on,” he implored. He knew he might not like what he heard, but he wanted to know.
“Basically they think Howard’s not telling them everything about what happened between the two of them.” Gary rolled his eyes dismissively. “They think he’s keeping something from them to try and save face.”
“How so?”
“When the police and Howard initially looked at the CCTV, they thought Jay moved to the stairs because he reacted to something, but it’s hard to tell with the angle of the camera. We all know how long the lift takes in their building, though – he could’ve just decided to walk it, and his family thinks he did.”
“I don’t get why that’s so important.”
“If he reacted to something, maybe someone else was around, could be involved in him going missing. But if he just took the stairs, then maybe he made it up to the apartment.” Gary swallowed, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before going on. He didn’t like talking about it anymore than Howard had, and he felt awful for repeating the suspicions of Jason’s family when he knew in his heart they simply weren’t true. “Some of Jay’s family reckon Jay got home that night and was at the apartment when Howard got back. They think Howard’s not admitting to it because the two of them got into some big row and Jay took off because of it, they think Howard just doesn’t want to admit to it in case it paints him in a bad light or makes the police accuse him of something – it sounds like Jenny and Simon aren’t so sure but Justin and Tony are on his case about it almost constantly. I just can’t believe it’s even a suggestion – I know that technically there would’ve been time for it to play out that way, but it doesn’t explain Jay not answering his phone to me that morning. And in any case, this is Howard and Jay weren’t talking about! They can fight all day for sport and not mean a word of it…I know they’ve had their disagreements but the pair of them are both too stubborn to run away and hide. And Jay would never put people he cares about through all of this, no matter how pissed off he was with Howard or anyone else.” Gary opened his eyes and looked at Mark curiously. “You agree with me, right? The whole idea is insane?” Mark’s eyes were wide, a sharpness about his stare that gave Gary a clear answer before he’d even spoken.
“If Jay were here he’d go mad with ‘em for saying any of that stuff, Gaz, and you know it,” Mark said, shaking his head. “I know they have their arguments but Howard’s never said or done anything that would push Jay this far over the edge, he never would. Besides, Howard would say if they’d fought, I know he would – Jay is his priority, he wouldn’t care if it put him in a bad light by saying something, he’d tell the truth if he thought it’d help bring him home.”
“I know,” Gary agreed quietly. “But I don’t think it’s that clear for Jay’s family – they’d just rather anything than the idea Jay might be in serious trouble…that Jay might not be-” Gary stopped abruptly and winced, and Mark looked down at his hands, the corners of his mouth turning down. For a moment they sat in silence, both trying not to think the worst but struggling not to. “Tony overheard them arguing once, you know. Jay told me about it – he was so frustrated with his dad over the whole thing. I don’t know if he was more upset about the eavesdropping or the conclusions he was jumping to from a snatched argument outside some family gathering or other, but I know Tony gave him hassle over it for a while. The stupid thing was, it wasn’t even a proper fight; Jay was tired, Howard was in a bad mood because a gig fell through, they lost their tempers and forgave each other in the space of a half hour.” Gary chuckled sadly. “You know what it’s like with them, Marko: you can’t take half of what they say seriously, even when they’re fighting – they know each other well enough to always stop before they cross the line and before you know what’s happening they’ve come to a compromise and everything’s fine.”
“I know that, and you know that; but we see ‘em every day, you know? We probably know Jay better than his dad does in some ways.”
“That doesn’t explain Justin – aren’t twins supposed to have some sort of telepathic connection or something? Jay always said they sometimes just knew when the other one was having a bad day, as kids I mean. So shouldn’t Justin just…know?” Gary put in and Mark lifted one shoulder in a shrug.
“Maybe that’s the problem though: Howard’s taken his place, in a way. No one knows Jay like Howard and no one knows Howard like Jay.”
“That doesn’t make accusing him of lying to the police ok,” Gary objected and Mark shook his head dejectedly.
“No. But everyone reacts differently, you know? And it’s like you said…maybe the thought of Jay running away is easier to cope with than the alternative.”
“Clutching at straws won’t help anyone – least of all Jay.” Gary sighed. “The whole thing is just a mess. And the one bloke who’d know what to say to sort it all out is the one bloke none of us can find.”
The news had moved on to a story about a local charity talent show and for a moment Gary and Mark watched the pictures on the screen; blurs of colour and light that they didn’t really process but still let themselves be transfixed by, their minds needing the moment of respite. Whilst it had been a little easier for them to go back to their normal lives and routines than it had been for Howard, they still found themselves fighting to keep their heads above water sometimes. Jason was like a brother to them and the four of them had become almost closer than a family over the past few years, bonding over shared experiences and shared confidences. Jason often said he found it easier to be with the three of them because they hadn’t known him as a kid; when he and his brothers were together, everyone had a tendency to slip back into roles they had played in childhood that, in reality, they had long grown out of fitting, and it made things hard to cope with at times. Gary knew Jason loved his family, but he understood the difficulties, and he’d felt honoured to be counted as one of the few people in the world Jason could confide in. And it had gone both ways: Jason’s frankness, his sometimes obtuse way of thinking and looking at the world had drawn out his own honesty more than once, and he knew the same was true for Mark. Life went on without Jason, and sometimes, when he and Mark were pottering around their flat at night, chattering away about their days, it almost didn’t seem like anything had changed at all. Their way of coping was to talk, fill every silence with nonsense and words and stupid jokes, to pour their energy into buzzing around Howard and to pointedly talk about anything but the Jason-shaped space in the corner of the shop.
“It’s funny the things that make it hit you.” Mark spoke softly, his eyes still on his hands as he worried the corners of the notebook’s pages between his fingers. “I was shifting stock today and I found Jay’s notes in one of the boxes – this list of what had moved to the back shelves and what needed reordering. Mundane stuff, you know.” Mark laughed hollowly and shook his head. “I don’t know why but it just got me – I sat there for ten minutes or so and I just couldn’t move. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the times we’ve sat in that shop with him sorting through songbooks, all of us laughing, messing around.” Mark blew out a breath. “Every day I keep looking around expecting him to be there…I turn around and go ‘Jay’ and I have to stop myself, or I'll go to make the tea and get out all four mugs by mistake. Stupid stuff. He’s been like a big brother to me, Gaz. He looks out for me and he never judges when I’m being an idiot and we bicker all day but I know that, when it comes down to it, if I phone him at three in the morning, he’ll pick up and he’ll listen to whatever it is I need to say. He’s the bloke I always know I can call in the middle of the night if I need a lift to A&E or I need bailing out of jail or whatever stupid thing you can think of…and he’ll be there, he’ll come. It’s never happened but if it did…he’d be there. And he wouldn’t judge. I s’pose it’d just got to the point where I took it for granted; I’d sort of forgotten what it was like without him and now I don’t know how I coped. The one bloke I want to talk to about everything going on in my head and he’s the one who’s messed it up. I don’t know if I can ever work out how to cope with that, you know?” Mark closed his eyes and Gary leant forwards, tenderly brushing his hair out of his face and pressing a kiss to his temple.
“Come on, now. We don’t know that we have to learn to cope with it for forever,” he whispered. Mark scrunched his face up, squeezing his eyes more tightly shut.
“We don’t know that we won’t have to either,” he said quietly. Gary glanced away.
“No,” he admitted slowly. “But we have each other. And Howard. The three of us will piece it together somehow.” He drew Mark closer to him then, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and squeezing him tight. “But we have to look out for each other, Marko. Even more than before. Because I’m just about holding things together right now because that’s what you and Howard need me to do…but if I lost you…” He trailed off, closing his eyes tightly and pressing a kiss into Mark’s hair, and Mark smiled sadly, curling against him and resting his head on his chest.
“Don’t even try and get rid of me, Barlow,” he mumbled, making Gary laugh softly.
“You’d better mean that.”
“I do,” Mark said earnestly, before sitting up a little, his smile briefly turning impish and the light dancing in his eyes. “Besides, you’ll always have your pianos. A man’s not alone as long as he has his pianos – one of the first things you ever said to me, that.” Gary chuckled, giving Mark a tight squeeze for good measure before letting out a long sigh.
“I remember. Jay told me to shut up about my pianos and actually get to know you.” He rolled his eyes fondly. “This from a man who counts his guitar amongst his best friends, of course,” he added with a small smile. It made him think of something though; Jason’s guitar, still sitting, propped up against the stereo in his and Howard’s living room, untouched since Jason disappeared. And deep down, Gary knew that was wrong. Even if Jason had decided he needed to get away from the world and disappear for a while – whatever the reason – that guitar would’ve gone with him and Gary was sure of it. When Jason needed space, when he needed to escape to process something or when he got too tired to talk, he always picked up that guitar, his fingers dancing absently across the frets as he stared off, blue eyes clouded with a million thoughts that he was trying to process.
Outside the window, the wind was starting to whip up a storm, and Gary glanced out into the darkness, listening as a sudden spattering of raindrops were thrown harshly against the glass. The orange of the street lamps glinted in the droplets, forming patterns of light and shadow, and Gary couldn’t help but think of just how frighteningly easy it was for a person to simply vanish into those spaces, disappearing without a trace between the streetlamps and the rain.
“Howard’s right, you know. Jay wouldn’t just go,” he said suddenly, his voice low but firm, and at his side Mark nodded, his eyes still downturned but his mouth a determined pink line.
“I know,” he agreed after a beat, curling even closer to Gary’s chest. “And that’s what’s so scary, I think: it’s the unknown being there at the edges of the stuff we’re actually sure of. It’s that fact that…that someone as alive and as vivid as Jay can just turn around one day and disappear between the raindrops, like he was never even there at all.” He swallowed, squeezing his eyes tightly shut. “It’s the fact that that can happen, and we might never even get to know why…I think that’s the bit that makes it so hard to cope with. If he’s gone I want to know he’s gone. But if he’s not…I just really want him home right now. Because this limbo is frightening, Gaz. And I just want to see. I just…I really, really just want to know.”
***
Sunshine crept timidly across Manchester as a calm, misty morning broke over the city. The light poured in through the vast windows of the apartment and bathed every corner in melancholy hues of yellow-gold and amber, the dust motes dancing through the slanting bars the only disruption to the stillness. On the sofa, Howard lay in a warm pool of sunlight, stretched out on his back, one arm dangling over the edge and the other slung across his face. He’d finally fallen asleep in the early hours, his aching body eventually winning over his addled mind and pushing him down into to a heavy-limbed and oblivious sleep that was long overdue, even if it had only lasted for two, precious, uninterrupted hours. He’d worked almost every night for the past week – probably an unhealthy distraction technique but he liked the way it left him too exhausted to break down.
Down below, the city was beginning to stumble into life, routine and unremarkable, whilst inside the top-floor apartment life still seemed to be suspended indefinitely, everything simultaneously as foreign as it was familiar. Grace padded across the living room and curled up in the armchair, sitting silently for a moment and biting on her lip. She’d been awake for a while but hadn’t wanted to leave her bedroom; in her room it was possible to imagine that everything was still the same, but out in the living room the spaces and silences were more obvious, so unlike almost every other Saturday morning she had spent there. From her place in the armchair she cast her eyes around the room, watching the dust swirl in the sunlight, her eyes falling sadly on the empty kitchen. There were still shopping lists and post-its stuck to the notice board which hung above the oven, photographs and ticket stubs tucked in between them, a small calendar with birthdays and gigs noted down across it in Jason’s handwriting tacked in the corner – her dad hadn’t bothered changing it over from February to March yet. She didn’t really care; she liked having Jason’s things still around them, his notes and scribbles still visible as though he’d just nipped down to the shops. Some Saturdays, when Jason woke up first and knew it’d be a while before the other two surfaced, he would go for a walk and stop by the Lowry Outlet, picking up coffees for himself and her dad and bringing her back her favourite toffee and double chocolate cookies from Millie’s. Grace sighed and tried not to think about it, pushing herself up out of the chair and perching awkwardly beside her dad on the sofa, prodding him lightly in the ribs.
“Dad, wake up – it’s morning,” she said softly, tucking some stray curls behind her ear. Her dad let out a low groan, rubbing at his eyes and trying to turn over.
“It’s too early, Jay, go back to sleep,” he mumbled through a yawn, and Grace flinched, looking sadly down at her hands.
“It’s me, dad,” she said, and out of the corner of her eye she could see him squinting blearily up at her, could just make out the flicker of disappointment that he quickly covered, not that she minded. He yawned again and pushed himself up, rubbing his hand over his face.
“Sorry, sweetheart. C’mere,” he sighed, opening his arms and letting her crawl over for a hug. “Morning,” he murmured, squeezing her close, and Grace smiled softly.
As he and Grace sat in the silence together, Howard tried to make his sore eyes adjust to the brightness of the room. There was a crick in his neck from crashing out on the sofa, but he felt more refreshed than he had in days – there was something to be said for not trying to fall asleep whilst staring at the empty space on Jason’s side of the bed.
“It’s so quiet,” Grace said, her voice muffled against his shirt, and Howard gave her another firm squeeze, kissing the top of her head.
“I know…I still haven’t got used to it myself,” he admitted and Grace leant back, looking up at him with wide, curious eyes, her lips downturned at the corners.
“Do you think you ever will?” she asked and Howard swallowed, looking away. It was a question he’d asked himself enough times, somehow hoping the answer would be different but always knowing, deep down, that that could never be the case.
“No. What about you, kiddo?” Grace shook her head and Howard smiled sadly. “Didn’t think so,” he sighed. The real question – the one neither he nor Grace dared ask – was whether or not they needed to try to get used to it. “You miss him too, hm?” he said softly, smoothing some of her wild bed-head down fondly and dipping his head to try to see her face. She was looking down, her lips a firm, sullen little line designed to give away as little as possible. But she nodded slightly all the same, pulling his hand towards her with a determined little tug and holding it in both of hers. She played with his ring, twisting it and running her fingers across the ridges in the brushed metal, her eyes sad and thoughtful. Howard felt so terrible for not knowing how to take that look off his own daughter’s face.
“No one at school understands,” she mumbled at last, biting at the inside of her cheek, her gaze still on his ring as she spoke. “They don’t get that he’s my family, even if I don’t live here with you and him all the time. Mum tried to explain but I know they don’t really get it.” She shrugged disconsolately, blowing out her cheeks and twisting his ring again. “Izzy knows but she doesn’t know what to say so she just tries to change the subject.” Howard understood the frustration in his daughter’s voice all too well.
“And does that make you sad?” he asked softly. Grace simply nodded and Howard sighed, brushing his knuckles briefly along her cheek before resting his head on top of hers. “I know how that feels, sweetheart. But you know you can always talk to me about him. I wish more people would – it makes things seem a bit more normal somehow.” A smile flickered across Grace’s face and her hands stilled, her fingers splayed across his palm.
“But I normally only tell Jason my secrets,” she said and Howard chuckled, giving her a playful poke in her ribs and making her laugh.
“Oh really?! Well I’m going to have to have a word with him about that when he comes back.” Grace giggled, her hair falling in her face as she did so, and the moment brought a smile to Howard’s face.
He was grateful for this little moment of peace and memories – it was different to the still silence of the night time that seemed to make the memories sharper and more painful. Here, with Grace in the sunlight, the memories were warm and soothing.
“He’s just clever – he tricks me,” Grace was insisting and Howard couldn’t help but laugh at that. It was probably partly true; there’s never any hiding for anyone in conversation with Jason, he has a way of forcing the truth out, of catching you by surprise with his astuteness and his honesty. But there was more to it. Jason was someone Grace could come to, could trust in a different way to anyone else in her life. The secret was his unique role in her life, Howard supposed: he was enough of a parent figure to be trusted with advice, help and big decisions, but he wasn’t really her parent and could step back from certain situations in a way that avoided overreaction, the ambiguity of it allowed him more leeway and – though he would never challenge Howard or Vicky’s decisions in front of her, or give away Grace’s secrets – he would act as a go between when he thought it was necessary. Howard suspected Grace tried to hide it sometimes – the full extent of her closeness with Jason. He knew how much tension had been building at Vicky’s over the past couple of years since her boyfriend had all but moved into the house, knew that Grace despised the man and that she tried to protect her mother from her closeness with Jason for fear it might annoy her, or worse make her angry with Jason himself. Jason and Grace were protective of each other, close in a way Howard usually revelled in. At least he had before it put that despondent look on his daughter’s pretty face. “Every Friday I forget he’s not going to be picking me up and when I remember it makes me sad,” Grace said softly, before shooting a small smile up at her dad. “No offence, dad,” she added and Howard laughed.
“None taken,” he assured her gently. “It makes me sad too,” he added, and she nodded, looking back down at her hands.
“I just wish everything was normal again.” Howard sighed, kissing her head.
“Me too, sweetheart, more than anything.”
Neither one of them seemed to want to move from the sofa. Grace curled back against Howard’s chest and he pulled her close as both of them wordlessly acknowledged all the empty space that seemed to be expanding outwards and isolating the two of them there in their strange state of limbo.
“It’s worst in the mornings,” Grace whispered and Howard smiled sadly at that; so he wasn’t the only one that had noticed that.
“Jay’s always the first one up; always spoiling the two of us with French toast and making fun of us when we complain about it being too early,” he agreed. Grace laughed.
“He makes fun of you more,” she countered mischievously and Howard grinned, tickling her side for a moment, laughing as she squirmed and giggled.
“Oi, you,” he teased and she smiled unashamedly up at him. “Cheeky girl – you know your mum blames me for that, don’t you?” he asked and Grace simply shrugged, still beaming. Howard shook his head fondly, kissing her forehead. “What am I going to do with you?” he sighed, though he still hugged her close as the two of them lapsed into silence again.
“Do you remember Christmas morning?” Grace asked suddenly then, and Howard felt a small smile tugging at his lips immediately. “Christmas morning wasn’t quiet,” Grace added with a distant sigh.
“No. Christmas morning was perfect, actually,” Howard replied.
***
Howard woke up to the sound of the rain, pitter-pattering against the bedroom window in an irregular rhythm that he found oddly soothing. For a while he let himself drift in and out of sleep, listening to the rain and the sound of kitchen cupboards being closed, the kettle boiling. When he finally heard the bedroom door open and close softly, he smiled sleepily into his pillow before slowly opening his eyes. He couldn’t help the lazy grin that spread across his face as he heard the rustle of the duvet beside him and he stretched himself out before turning over, rubbing at his eyes.
As he looked up, his eyes connected almost immediately with Jason’s, which were cobalt blue and brilliant in the dim grey light of their room. He was sitting cross-legged on his side of the bed, a mug of tea clasped in both hands, his head on one side as he watched Howard quietly, a faint trace of a smile on his lips that drew Howard to him. That was the look he’d given him that first morning in the shop; curious and challenging and expectant.
“Mornin’, darlin’,” Howard mumbled – his voice morning rough – as he pushed himself up and leant in to press a firm kiss to the crook of Jason’s neck. Jason laughed softly, pushing Howard off him gently before changing his mind and leaning back in to steal a quick kiss from his lips. Howard grinned into it and Jason rolled his eyes in fond exasperation as he pulled away, giving Howard another small shove for good measure.
“The words you’re looking for are ‘Merry Christmas, darlin’’, actually, so you might want to keep your hands to yourself, Romeo – that daughter of yours is a maximum of five minutes away from bursting through that bedroom door demanding presents,” he warned, waggling his eyebrows pointedly before taking a sip of his tea. Howard pouted slightly, wrapping an arm around Jason’s waist and trailing kisses from his neck to his temple playfully.
“You do realise you just cast yourself as Juliet, don’t you?” he mumbled into Jason’s skin, and Jason laughed, elbowing him and ducking away.
“The moral of the story is that it didn’t end well for either of them, love, so hands by your sides before my willpower breaks and we get a lecture on not being ‘gross’ before breakfast,” he shot back, making Howard chuckle.
“Oh I’m sure she’ll get over it,” he retorted, cupping Jason’s face in his hand. For a moment they looked at each other, Jason attempting to remain sceptical but unable to hide the light dancing in his eyes as Howard leant in for another kiss.
At that moment, the bedroom door flew open dramatically and Grace’s slight form appeared in the doorway.
“I’m not even looking,” she announced, running across to the bed and climbing up. Jason laughed against Howard’s lips, pulling back and arching an eyebrow. “You two are gross but I’m pretending you’re not so that I can have presents,” Grace beamed, crawling over to them and letting Howard pull her into a hug.
“Told you so,” Jason smirked, sticking his tongue out at Howard, and Howard returned the gesture with amusement.
“Know it all,” he retorted, and Jason simply rolled his eyes, turning his attention to Grace.
“You are aware that you are out of bed before eleven and it’s not even a school day,” he pointed out, smiling, and Grace pulled a face.
“You’re not funny,” she told him airily, barely managing to conceal her smile. Jason nodded in an exaggerated show of acceptance and Howard bit back a chuckle.
“Maybe I’m not, but you know something that is funny?”
“What?” Grace frowned, eyes narrowing as she sensed the mischief in Jason’s smile.
“The fact you think you’re going to get your dad to get out of bed before eleven when it’s not even a school day,” Jason replied casually, laughing when both Grace and Howard lunged forwards to try and shove him, artfully ducking back and causing them to flop uselessly across the sheets. He looked at them with amused pity and tilted his head. “I tell you what; how about I win back both of your affections with a suggestion?” he offered. Grace looked at him curiously for a moment, arms folded in a youthful show of haughtiness that made Howard chuckle softly.
“I’m not going back to bed,” she warned and Jason smirked.
“No, I didn’t think so. But since your dad probably isn’t leaving his bed-”
“You could just get up. He’d follow,” Grace interrupted, rolling her eyes, and Jason swotted at her, shooting her a half-hearted glare.
“He’d follow if someone tied some waffles to a string, but that’s not my suggestion either,” he pointed out.
“You do both realise I’m still sitting here, right?” Howard put in and Jason grinned.
“Completely aware, love,” he said casually and Howard pulled a face.
“You have no respect for me, do you,” he sighed with feigned dismay and Jason’s smile softened slightly as he tilted his head to one side.
“I reserve my baiting only for those for whom I have the greatest respect, love,” he said with a wink and Howard couldn’t help the pride he felt at the remark, glancing away shyly. “Now if the two of you will stop moaning at me for ten seconds, I actually have two presents that you don’t even have to leave the bed for.” Howard looked up then, eyebrows raised in surprise, and Grace sat up excitedly.
“Seriously?!” she asked and Jason chuckled, a knowing smile on his lips.
Howard and Grace exchanged a glance as Jason silently got up from the bed, setting down his mug on his bedside table before moving over to the built-in storage at the back of the room, sliding the door open and reaching something down from one of the top shelves of his half of the wardrobe. Howard appreciated the easy grace with which he moved, the arches and curves of his body just as elegant as any professionally trained dancer, his lean, tall frame always seeming to be moving to a music only Jason could hear. As he turned back with two presents in his hands, he caught Howard’s stare and winked at him before coming back over to the bed, sitting down and handing them a present each.
“Seriously,” he assured Grace, who squeaked delightedly, taking the present from him before flinging her arms around him in a tight hug.
“You’re the best and if dad hadn’t married you I would never have forgiven him – not ever,” she said in a rush of breath, squeezing him tight, and Jason simply laughed, hugging her back gladly and sharing an amused look with Howard over her shoulder.
“Bribery: works every time,” he joked as she pulled back and Howard chuckled softly before reaching out for Jason’s hand, tugging on it gently and forcing him across the bed. Once Jason was close enough Howard pressed a lingering kiss to his lips.
“I love you,” he whispered and Jason smiled back at him quietly for a moment.
“Back at you, darlin’,” he replied and Howard laughed, pulling him close as the two of them watched Grace reverently begin to tear away the wrapping of her present.
Beneath the paper was a pretty, square gift box in Grace’s favourite colour – purple – with her initials picked out in gold on the top. And when Grace lifted the lid, a simple chord necklace was revealed. Howard smiled as Grace gasped. He pressed a kiss to Jason’s temple, knowing the gesture didn’t even come close to what he thought and felt on seeing the perfect gift he had picked out. It occurred to him dimly that, regardless of whether or not Grace would’ve forgiven him, he probably wouldn’t have forgiven himself if he hadn’t married this man. The pendant of the chord necklace was a simple guitar pick – Grace was every bit as obsessed with music as Howard was and she had a special fascination for Jason’s guitar – and the design on one side of it was Grace’s name, whilst on the other side neat rows of staves and musical notes shimmered in classy gold and black. Grace stared, awed, for a moment before launching herself across the bed once more, barrelling into Jason, whose body crashed back against Howard at the force. Jason’s laugh was warm and rough and it vibrated against Howard’s ribs.
“You’re utterly wonderful, just in case you wanted to know,” Howard whispered by Jason’s ear, and Jason glanced up at him with a fond, amused smile.
“I didn’t – but it’s always nice to hear,” he replied, kissing Howard’s cheek before turning his attention back to Grace. “Come on, kiddo. I’ll make a start on breakfast and maybe between the two of us we can coax your dad out of bed long enough for you to open the rest of your presents.”
***
Grace let out a sigh, starting to play with Howard’s ring again.
“It rained all day but it didn’t matter. In the good way.” She looked up at Howard sadly. “But today it’s sunny and it doesn’t matter. In the bad way.” Howard gave her a firm squeeze. “It’s really sad waking up and he’s still not here…but it’s even more sad when other people think he went away on purpose. I overheard mum say he might have done…she was talking to Tim one night after I was supposed to be in bed. She said it was weird that the police couldn’t find anything else and that maybe he didn’t want to be found…but that doesn’t make any sense, because Jay loves us, doesn’t he?” Grace looked at Howard so imploringly that he could actually feel the dull ache of it in his chest. He placed a kiss on her forehead, smoothing down her hair once more as he dipped his head to look her directly in the eye.
“You listen to me, ok? Jay loves both of us, a lot. He would never do anything to deliberately hurt us, you know that, right?” Grace nodded and Howard flashed her a small, encouraging smile. “He didn’t just make promises to me when we got married, Gracie. He made promises to you too, and if there is one thing we both know about Jay it’s that he always means his promises. And for all the promises he made us, we made promises to him too – promises that mean we have to trust him, even when other people don’t. It’s ok for them to think what they think, and it’s ok for you to have times where you don’t understand or you doubt things. But it’s never ok for you to doubt how much he loves you and me, ok? You think you can remember that for me, Gracie?” Grace looked up at him steadily for a moment, her gaze unwavering as she considered his words. And then slowly, determinedly, she smoothed her lips into a firm line and nodded before reaching up and wrapping her arms around him in a hug he gratefully returned. As he held her, he closed his eyes and silently focused on the feeling of the cool metal of his wedding ring on his finger, his mind travelling back to Christmas morning, an almost-smile forming on his lips.
***
Howard watched as Grace and Jason disappeared from the bedroom, Grace still half-hugging Jason and Jason casting a wry smile back at Howard over his shoulder. For a moment he listened to the sounds coming from the kitchen; Grace still babbling away, cupboard doors opening and closing, drawers opening and cutlery being sorted through. The whole apartment was lit in shades of grey and the rain still beat on the windows, but there was noise and colour in Jason and Grace’s company and all the things Howard loved about home. Smiling to himself, he set his present down on the bedside table whilst he moved over to his side of the wardrobe, grabbing an old hoody and pulling it on; it was one of the ones Jason often borrowed, and Howard grinned as he caught the scent of Jason’s shampoo still on the fabric. He pulled the sleeves down over his hands and made his way back over to the bed, pausing only briefly to make sure Jason and Grace were still preoccupied in the kitchen before he carefully picked up the present Jason had given him.
Like Grace’s present, beneath the wrapping was a simple, square gift box, though his was in a rich navy blue and instead of his initials in gold, on the lid was a post-it note with the words ‘We can’t promise anything, only everything we have. Jay x’ written in Jason’s handwriting across it. Howard smiled slightly, tentatively lifting the gift box’s lid and peering inside. At first a mild look of confusion crossed his face as he lifted out the contents – his and Jason’s wedding rings glinted in the soft light of their bedroom, rolling together into the palm of his hand. Jason had spirited them away a little over a week ago, muttering something about polishes and resizes and taking advantage of the fact Howard hadn’t had his morning coffee yet as he squirrelled the rings away in his bag and changed the subject. He should have known he was up to something. Curiously, Howard tilted the rings towards the light – and that’s when he noticed it: words engraved inside the rings. He picked up Jason’s ring – ever so slightly smaller than his own – and carefully ran his fingers across the ridges of the letters before tilting it so he could read what was written there. One word: ‘All’. Howard picked up his own ring, a knowing smile pulling at the corners of his lips as he turned it towards the light. Again just one word was engraved there: ‘in’. Howard chuckled slightly, shaking his head and clasping his hand tight for a moment, an immense rush of feeling coming over him: of course it would only make sense when you put the two together, known and unknown all at once.
Howard slid his ring onto his finger, enjoying the familiar feeling of the metal on his skin once again – it took him by surprise how much he’d missed it being there, how it’d become a part of him so quickly. With a small smile, he closed his hand tightly around Jason’s ring, pocketing it as he pushed himself up off the bed, heading out of the room and following the morning sounds which emanated from down the corridor.
He found Jason on his own in the kitchen – Grace across the room and utterly distracted as she excitedly surveyed her present haul – and for a moment he watched him work. There was that dancer’s poise again, a natural rhythm to the way he moved from the oven to the cupboards and back again, all quick turns and elegant reaches. Having danced for a time himself, Howard could appreciate that easy grace of his, could see the beauty in it. And his mind had always worked in beats and harmonies in any case, and Jason’s body seemed to move in those same familiar patterns that he’d always had that instinctive need to untangle. Jason hummed and shone in a way he was drawn to, and he took a moment to appreciate that ease of movement, that flow and charm. Howard remembered reading somewhere that real chemistry – real love – was only seven per cent the words being said. The rest was all tones of voice and body language. He could see the truth in that; he knew the truth in that first hand.
He came up behind Jason quietly, catching him by his hand as he turned to reach for a plate; Jason spun artfully around and Howard grinned at his surprised expression, the way his blue eyes glinted with faint amusement as he let himself be pulled flush against Howard’s body. For a moment they simply stared at each other, Jason’s expression expectant and knowing and Howard’s quietly intense as he reached up to touch his fingers to Jason’s cheek. He leant their foreheads together, his other hand finding Jason’s hip, his fingers slipping beneath the hem of his shirt. Jason’s skin was warm and his heartbeat felt wild and magical against Howard’s chest.
“You are everything to me, you know that?” Howard breathed, brushing the pad of his thumb slowly along Jason’s jawline, his hand coming to rest on his neck. Jason’s eyes were glittering in that way that said more than words and he rested his hands on Howard’s chest and pressed a brief kiss to his lips. His kiss tasted of sugar and promises and Howard closed his eyes for a moment, savouring it.
“That’s kind of the point, Donald,” Jason whispered, and Howard could feel his breath on his skin. He looked at Jason, at the face he’d been learning since the day he’d first walked into Barlow’s and taken on the challenge he’d found in those eyes.
“You know, someone once stood in the pouring rain and told me he didn’t think this was a good idea,” Howard murmured, amusement flickering across his face as Jason pursed his lips, tilting his head to one side in a show of confusion.
“Now what idiot told you that?” he asked, making Howard chuckle, and Jason moved to loop his arms around Howard’s neck, his back arching elegantly. Howard shook his head slightly, bringing both his hands up to cup Jason’s face.
“You’re maddening,” he told him, still smiling. “And we’re probably crazy.”
“I warned you,” Jason countered with a mischievous little shrug that made Howard laugh. “But I still accepted the challenge. I always do.” Jason smiled a soft, pink smile that tugged at the very corners of his lips. “Always will,” he added quietly. His voice was low and tender, like he was sharing secrets or saying a spell, his gaze focused so intently on Howard that he felt the sensation of it to his bones. A shiver went down his spine as he brought Jason’s lips to his own, kissing him slowly, enjoying the way his body leant into him. Promises and memories were tied up in that feeling of skin on skin and Howard got that feeling again, the one of certainty and uncertainty colliding until it was just the two of them left standing. It always felt so overwhelming and brilliant to hold Jason like this.
As they finally pulled apart, Howard opened his eyes and looked down at Jason with a quiet, rough smile.
“Hey, Jay?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t ever go changing.”
***
Jason tugged at his sleeves, pulling them down over his hands, which he balled into fists, squeezing so tightly his nails dug into his skin. He drew in a deep breath and swallowed hard, keeping his eyes trained on a patch of grey sky in the distance, even as he shivered at the cold draft that came from the window. He could feel her eyes on his back, could feel her watching him from where she perched on the edge of the bed. He knew she’d have that oddly hopeful look on her face and he didn’t want to see it – it hurt to look at, because he didn’t understand where it came from or why and despite everything he still couldn’t quite bear to see it crumble only to be replaced with that haunted, lost expression she’d had the night she’d first brought him here. He wanted to turn off his sympathy but he couldn’t – as stubborn and ready for a fight as he was, he wasn’t about to pretend she didn’t deserve some pity.
“What exactly do you want me to do with this information, Em?” he asked slowly, carefully. His voice was husky and sad and he wrapped his arms protectively around himself when he spoke. She didn’t seem to notice, too buoyed by the fact he’d called her ‘Em’ – she so liked it when he called her that. “Daft bastard never knows when he’s beaten,” he added softly, closing his eyes for a moment. Whatever image it was his mind conjured up behind his closed eyelids, it caused a brief smile to flit across his lips. Small and pale but more than she’d seen him muster in a long time.
“But why?” she demanded, hurt that his attention wasn’t on her, that he didn’t want to talk about this and didn’t seem to see why the whole thing hurt her so badly. “Why can’t he stop? Why does he care? Why did you make him care?” She shifted forwards slightly, a catch in her voice. “Didn’t you tell him, about me? About us?” The fragile, desperate edge to her words seemed to jar him, and he opened his eyes, turning to face her. As he looked at her face, the devastated expression there, he let out a heavy sigh, kneeling down in front of her and taking her hands in his own. The action forced her eyes up to his – some part of her suspected she had fallen into his trap that way but she couldn’t help it, his sudden tenderness overwhelming her.
“Emily,” he said, firm but gentle, and she looked back at him sullenly, resenting the scolding note in the way he said her name. “You know why. You know the answers to all of those questions – you just wish you didn’t. I mean…come on, you know this whole situation doesn’t make sense. Just look at me, and then look around us…you know, deep down, it’s not right. You don’t want to know and you’re trying so hard not to that it’s killing you, and driving both of us crazy.” She snatched her hands out of his at that, turning her head away and scrunching up her face.
“Stop it,” she snapped. He clenched his jaw but didn’t say anything and she used his sudden silence to steel herself, forcing back his words and closing off that weak, frantic part of her he’d opened up. “We could be happy if that man would just go away – why doesn’t he just go away? Why does he send the police after you when he should know you belong to me?” She turned and grabbed Jason’s hand back suddenly, not realising her own force and missing the wince of pain that crossed his face as she twisted his arm, pulling his hand close to her chest and holding it there tightly. “Why doesn’t he understand? Why won’t you make him understand?” she pleaded. His expression was strained but she hardly processed it, didn’t care to pay attention to the way he seemed to crumple slightly under the weight of her desperation.
“And what about you, Emily? Why is it that you want to put him through what you went through – through that loss and that pain? The not knowing?” His voice was quiet but the words still stung and she let go of his hand immediately, shoving him forcefully away so he fell backwards, crashing against the wall. He glared up at her defiantly and she glared right back, getting to her feet abruptly.
“I told you to stop!” she shouted. He simply turned his face away and clenched his jaw determinedly.
A lesser man would’ve broken a long time ago in the face of her erratic changes of mood and all the tension the two of them existed in – she wasn’t sure where that thought came from but she squashed it, balling her hands into fists and suddenly scrambling around the room, trying to find her bag and shoes.
“Emily, what are you doing?” he asked, but she ignored him, still searching around, throwing items into her bag as she went. “Emily, whatever it is you’re going to do please don’t do it – don’t hurt Howard. Because if you hurt him – if you say something to him or try and lie to him – then you hurt me. And you don’t want to hurt me, do you?” Emily stopped, standing dead still in the middle of the room. Slowly she turned back to him, looking at him with an unreadable expression. “Because you have hurt me, you know. You are hurting me – because I can’t get away from the fact that I’ve hurt him. Whether I meant to or not, he’s in pain right now; because of me, because of decisions I’ve made. You’ve hurt me more than you know, Emily. So just…don’t push this over the edge. Don’t get mad and go and make this any harder for him – for any of us. Ok?”
“I’m not trying to hurt you,” Emily whispered and Jason sighed, rubbing his hands over his face.
“And I’m not trying to hurt him. But I have. People don’t always mean it but it doesn’t change anything. You just have to try and put it right, you know? And we can claw it back, Emily. You can. Just…just at the very least promise me you won’t storm out and do something irreversibly damaging? Please?”
For a moment she just watched him, staring at him blankly. Her arms were folded, her short blonde hair falling in soft curls that framed her face. She looked so lost, so broken – for all that she could be angry and irrational, he understood the fractures that lay beneath it all and it made it so difficult. He was tired and he missed Howard so much and he felt the ache to his bones. But he was helpless. Sighing he sank back, resting his head against the wall and closing his eyes. He knew he’d get no promises out of her, but he longed to somehow make her understand, to at least try and sway her. “Despite everything, I still know, deep down, that love has this habit of finding a way. Real love finds a way,” he murmured, his voice cracked and earnest. “Howard believes that too. And he won’t stop, Emily. So…just let it go. For all our sakes: just let it go.”
For a long time she was silent, and Jason risked a cautious glance across to where she stood, stricken look still on her face.
“If…if real love finds a way then how come…how come-” She stopped suddenly, scrunching up her face and turning away. “No. No. You don’t get to trick me. And he doesn’t get to take you away from me. I’m going to find a way – I’m going to find a way for real love’s sake. And when all this is over, you’ll see. When he stops distracting you, you will see everything more clearly.”
***
Mark and Gary stood facing the bookcases, their hands on their hips in mirrored poses of trepidation. They weren’t sure exactly which point the songbooks had gone from untidy to insane; somewhere in all the chaos of the past weeks the shop had fallen into a new, peculiar routine which saw it somehow become quieter, emptier and yet still – magically – untidier. Mark spent his time zipping between the cafe and the shop, whilst Gary pottered about the shop from nine ‘til five, and neither man saw much of Howard during the working day, especially over the past couple of weeks as he had thrown himself back into his own work with – a probably unhealthy amount of – zeal. Yet, despite their busy schedules and their shared bafflement over how Jason had ever kept the songbooks in order, Mark and Gary both couldn’t help but feel it had perhaps reached the point where they should do something about the growing disaster in the shop’s usually well-kept side room. Little stacks of new songbooks sat in front of some of the bookcases, whilst other songbooks sat abandoned on completely the wrong shelves, and a thin layer of dust had collected atop of everything. Mark tilted his head slowly to one side as he surveyed it all, screwing up his face slightly in a mixture of amusement and confusion.
“You know, Jay would have a heart attack if he saw this,” he sighed at last, flashing that wry, nostalgic smile that always followed Jason’s name these days. Gary smiled quietly too, folding his arms and leaning in to inspect the spines of the songbooks on the shelf in front of him, trying to figure out what exactly Jason’s system had been before everything had gone to pieces in his absence.
“You know, a woman actually came in yesterday, stopped dead in her tracks and asked what happened. A regular; violin teacher I think, but Jay normally deals with her so I could be wrong. Anyway, she seemed convinced the world was ending – I thought she was just exaggerating but now that I look at the state of it in here, I’m starting to think she might have a point,” Gary said with a sigh, leaning back and shaking his head slightly.
“I don’t know if it cheers you up any, but I can’t think of anyone I’d rather be with for the end of the world,” Mark replied, flicking a glittering smile in Gary’s direction, and Gary couldn’t help but chuckle, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and kissing his cheek.
“I appreciate the thought, Marko, but I would just like to point out that there’s not much call for a songwriter when the sky’s falling in,” he remarked, but Mark’s smile only widened.
“But you could write me a song for the end of the world – I wouldn’t mind you singing to me whilst the sky was falling in, actually,” he beamed, flecks of gold lighting up his grey-blue eyes and bringing a smile to Gary’s own lips.
“What a ridiculously beautiful thing to say, Mr.Owen” he murmured, cupping Mark’s cheek in his hand and pressing a kiss to his forehead. Mark stepped in closer, grabbing Gary’s free hand tightly and intertwining their fingers.
“So, what do you say, Barlow? How about a song for the end of the world? We can put off the songbooks for another day – leave it long enough of Jay will show up just to sort ‘em,” he shrugged mischievously, raising up onto his tiptoes and waggling his eyebrows, everything about him impish and fascinating.
Gary was always left unbalanced by Mark’s peculiar mix of lightness and shadow, that strange melancholic way he’d talk sometimes only to turn around in the next moment with bright, excited eyes and an innocent smile. He was five years old and five hundred years old all at once, and rarely anything in between, and Gary loved nothing more than to watch him bob about, all kinetic energy and jaunty clockwork motion. For a moment he simply watched him, taking in every quirk, cataloguing the soft, smiling lines of his face.
“You know, Marko, I do actually have a song for you,” he whispered at last, lightly tugging on Mark’s hand and pulling him away from the shelves.
Silently Mark followed Gary through the shop, letting himself be led without question, eyes shining with excitement and affection as Gary placed a tentative kiss to his palm before turning and spinning Mark down the step and into the piano room. He let him go then, brilliant blue eyes meeting Mark’s briefly as he smiled knowingly, suddenly in his element as he got to play the showman, sitting himself down at his favourite baby grand with a flourish. Mark smiled curiously, eyebrows quirked slightly, and as Gary began to play, he sat himself down beside him, looping his arm around his waist and closing his eyes to take in the notes. That was when Gary began to sing.
“Put your head against my life,
What do you hear?
A million words just trying to make the love song of the year.
Close your eyes but don't forget
What you have heard,
A man who's trying to say three words, the words that make me scared…” Gary’s voice was steady and crisp and Mark couldn’t help but lose himself in the warmth of it, resting his head against Gary’s shoulder and enjoying the vibration of his song as it travelled through his bones. At his side, Gary glanced down at him with a proud, affectionate smile, leaning a little into his playing, enjoying the snatched moment of magic, the rare feeling of all being well briefly filling the little shop despite the turmoil of the last month. He really wasn’t good at spontaneous sentimentality; he was a man who preferred to have a plan in place, a course plotted. He was never convinced he was saying or doing the right thing unless he had thought it over in advance. Yet he was confident in his music, and he could see from the look on Mark’s face that his music was speaking for him clearly. “A million love songs later
And here I am trying to tell you that I care.
A million love songs later and here I am,” Gary went on, and beside him Mark sat up, opening his eyes to watch Gary in fond awe, a placid smile on his lips and a light in his eyes as he leant in to press a kiss to his cheek.
“Please Gaz, don’t stop or I’ll cry,” he breathed.
“Looking to the future now,
This is what I see
A million chances pass me by,
A million chances to hold you.
Take me back, take me back,
To where I used to be,
To hide away from all my truth through the light I see…” Gary cast a sidelong glance at Mark and found his voice trailing off, his fingers still playing lightly but his concentration now on Mark’s sad, round face. He turned and brushed at the corners of Mark’s eyes, preventing any tears from falling, and Mark offered him a watery smile, shrugging slightly. And somehow, Gary knew what Mark was thinking, and felt a wave of sadness came over him too. They sat staring at each other for a beat – the air was bittersweet and heavy and Mark swallowed down his tears, reaching out to squeeze Gary’s hand.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured in a small voice and Gary smiled softly.
“Don’t be. I understand…it’s been a while since there was any new music in this place,” he replied. “It’s funny, isn’t it…music has saved me – you, all of us – so many times in the past, but right now…it doesn’t feel any more right than anything else. I don’t know if it’ll ever be the same again. And that’s terrifying.” Gary shook his head slightly, letting out a hollow laugh and turning his eyes skywards. “God, I sound like a drama queen don’t I,” he sighed, but Mark shook his head, squeezing his hand again and resting his head back down on his shoulder.
“No. You sound like a bloke whose best friend walked away one night but didn’t make it home,” he said quietly. “And I know what you mean. I don’t know if it’ll ever feel the way it should feel…but music is all we know, isn’t it? You, me and Howard; we’ve always used it to cope. Maybe that feeling will come back eventually. But for now all we can do is hope.” Mark sniffed slightly and Gary wrapped his arms around him, kissing the top of his head and hoping that – if he held him close enough – a fresh batch of tears could be prevented. “You know, Howard’s world really must be ending if even the music’s not the same. And there’s no one to sing to him – I just don’t know how we ever make that seem ok.”
“We don’t,” Gary replied sadly, wishing he had a better answer to give, one less likely to result in more tears. “All we do is keep going. We remember. We feel the pain when it comes and we try not to feel guilty when it goes.” He blew out a shaky breath and closed his eyes, feeling Mark let out a shuddery gasp against him and realising he was probably crying again.
“I hate it so much, Gaz. This feeling that he’s probably never coming home. That we might never see him again and that that goodbye that night…was our last chance,” Mark mumbled into Gary’s chest. Gary was rocking him slightly now, trying his best to prevent his own tears but finding it hard. “And Howard…” Mark trailed off and Gary winced.
“You never get over that kind of love, do you,” he whispered. Mark shook his head as best he could from where his face was buried in Gary’s chest. “God, Marko. I know this sounds so selfish but…I’m so glad it isn’t you out there.” Mark pushed himself up and Gary looked down at him, meeting his teary eyes and flashing him a sad smile. “I wouldn’t cope, you know,” he added and Mark returned his smile, taking his face in his hands and meeting his eyes determinedly.
“Don’t think like that, Barlow. I’m here and I’m ok – and Jay would be the first to tell you you’re being daft to feel guilty about that.”
“I know,” Gary sighed, looked down. “I know that, I do. And I know that wasting time crying doesn’t change anything and I know that I should just be happy you’re here and to hell with the rest of it. But I can’t do it…it’s not who I am.” Mark nodded dejectedly, curling back into Gary’s embrace and tucking his head beneath his chin.
“So maybe we should write a song for Jay, then. Work on something that might help but we don’t have to feel guilty about.”
“Maybe…maybe in time. But for now I think we should just start with a brew and some hard graft on those songbooks.” Gary leant back and looked into Mark’s face. “You put the kettle on and I’ll make a start.” Mark smiled a weak little smile that didn’t reach his eyes, but his nod was purposeful and determined.
“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”
***
“Today, police released a further appeal for information following the disappearance of a Salford man. Jason Orange disappeared from his apartment building following dinner with friends on January 15th this year and was last seen on the building’s ground floor CCTV, entering at approximately twenty minutes to ten that night. Aside from DNA evidence at Mr.Orange’s building, police have failed to find any trace of the Salford Quays resident and are appealing for help from the public. His car is also still missing…” Jason closed his eyes and tuned out the rest of what the woman on the radio was saying. It was surreal hearing details of his own life being repeated back to him so clinically and it made his whole body tense in a mixture of pain and anxiety. He risked a brief glance at Emily, but she, as ever, acted as though the report was of no consequence, clicking away determinedly on her laptop, her pretty green eyes narrowed in concentration. For one, irrational moment he wished he could pretend as easily as she could, but he knew there was nothing healthy about that and he quickly pushed the idea away. He missed home so much it made him feel ill, but he’d rather that sick feeling in the pit of his stomach than the aching emptiness he saw in Emily’s eyes sometimes.
Closing his eyes, Jason rested his head back and concentrated on breathing deeply. He missed Howard and home and life. He missed fresh air and music. The weight of it crashed into him and he pulled himself in tighter, wrapping his arms around himself protectively. When he finally reopened his eyes, it took a moment to focus back on the room around him, took a second to blink away all the pictures in his head of Howard’s smile, sunlight catching in his brazen blue eyes. There was no hint of sun on the horizon today, though, the sky a blank expanse of pale grey that suggested more rain was to come before the end of the day.
Just then, a familiar sound caught his attention. At first he thought he’d imagined it – but then he realised it was coming from the radio and he turned sharply around to look at it, as though he couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing: Howard’s voice.
“…I know Jason. I know he wouldn’t do this – to me, to his family. He doesn’t break promises. He doesn’t walk out in the middle of the night and not tell anyone where he’s going. So all I can do is wait. And hope. And keep believing in him. So if anyone knows anything, even if it seems like it might not matter because you think some bloke just ran away, then please just stop and think again. Just think for a moment how much empty space one person can leave behind and how much difference it could make to fill that space, even if it’s just with half-answers and nothing more.” Jason swallowed down the lump in his throat.
“Oh How,” he whispered. Over on the bed, Emily didn’t move; she was watching the radio with a distant look in her eyes, her expression fraught, her brow furrowed slightly. The news moved on to a new story, but neither one of them moved or spoke, both caught in a tense, wordless space. A sadness settled into the peace and it radiated off both of them; Jason could still hear the strained note in Howard’s voice, echoing around his head.
“You never get over that kind of love.” Emily’s voice was so soft Jason barely heard it, but it still startled him slightly to hear that broken tone interrupt the quiet. “That kind of love just gets burned into you, I think. And trying to live without it isn’t like living at all…it’s like you’re underwater or something. You’re still alive but everything’s harder. Nothing looks the same.” Emily pulled her knees up to her chest and squeezed her eyes shut. “It’s not that you can’t live without them, it’s just that everything is different and harder…and not…not real.” Jason watched her curiously, sympathetic but also nervous, having come to expect these moments of weakness to quickly be followed by an explosion of irrational anger or determination. “I never said ‘I love you’ enough.” Jason looked away at that, aware that she’d all but forgotten he was even there, lost in her own personal pain. “But I can put it back…I can put it back, I can make it right.” Emily sat up a little, her head suddenly snapping to look at Jason – she stared at him but she seemed to see through him at the same time and Jason hardly dared move, uncertain what turn this was going to take. “I know how to fix it,” she whispered. Jason felt his whole body tense and he looked at her anxiously.
“Emily,” he said nervously, his voice as firm as he could manage when tears were threatening his eyes. He blinked them back furiously, determined not to wait this long just to break over the sound of Howard’s voice, of his unwavering faith and his love. If Howard could stay strong then he could and he was desperate to try and keep control of himself, knowing he would need to keep his wits about him to get through whatever it was Emily had planned next. “Emily, listen to me: you heard him just then, you heard what he said – that love doesn’t go away, you said it yourself. There is no fixing this unless-”
“No. No, don’t do this again, don’t try and tell me what to think,” Emily cut him off sharply, getting to her feet. Jason held his breath as she crossed the room towards him in a flurry, coming to sit in front of him and taking a painfully tight grip of his forearms. “You listen to me: I’m going to fix everything. But you can’t let him upset you, you can’t, ok? I’m going to fix this, you just have to listen to what I tell you. When I’m ready? I will make it better. I will put it back together again. And it will be ok.”
“I don’t know what you think you can do, Emily, but I know that man and I am telling you now he won’t stop. Howard Donald is a fight you can’t win and a challenge I fully intend to take back up myself – I’m sorry and I understand, but I won’t pretend for you. He won’t give up and neither will I.” The rain began to tap its fingertips against the window, staccato and angry, and Emily’s grip tightened as she met Jason’s gaze fiercely.
“He can have nothing but raindrops and memories for all I care. I need to fix this. And I won’t give up either.”
***
Mark and Gary jumped apart as the sound of the shop’s bell cut through the air and they saw the somewhat bedraggled form of Howard Donald crossing the threshold. He was soaking wet; his dark curls were flattened to his head and his coat was spattered with raindrops, his face pale from cold and a lopsided smile on his lips as he caught sight of Mark and Gary’s guilty expressions.
“You do realise I’m perfectly capable of seeing people happy and together without having a total emotional breakdown, right?” he asked wryly, plucking at his wet clothes gingerly and rolling his eyes. He’d been coming to the shop a little more frequently over the past week, making his work schedule less frantic and spending more time with Mark and Gary as well as Grace. He’d long ago written off any hope of turning to Jason’s family, so instead he gave his attention to the family he and Jason had created for themselves, finding strength in the way they saw his stubbornness as steel and not as some sort of admission of guilt. The ache of missing Jason was still there, he just tried his best not to acknowledge it, doing everything he could to fill spaces and silences and trying to ignore the sensation of drowning that came over him when he finally found himself alone again each night, the silence so loud it kept him awake and the shadows playing tricks on him in the empty corners of the bedroom.
“Was it this morning that Kathryn and Ben were coming over?” Mark asked, his tone achingly gentle. Howard sighed, burying his hands in his pockets and studying a scuff mark on the shop’s old wooden floor. The family liaisons officers were good at their jobs, almost a little too good, and as much as Howard liked them and was grateful for their hard work, he couldn’t shake the sadness that came over him every time he had to confront the reality that he was a man whose life now involved family liaisons officers and police press releases.
“Just Ben this time, actually – he was trusted out on his own since all he had to do was tell me the exact same thing they’ve told me every meeting for weeks.”
“I’m sorry, mate,” Gary said and Howard smiled sadly.
“Not your fault. Nothing seems to have come of this second appeal…they don’t see much point making another one. To be honest, we all know there’s not much more they can do at this point. I know I’m not giving up on him…but it feels like I am. It feels like everyone is.” Howard swallowed, closing his eyes for a moment. Being in the shop, he could almost hear Jason’s warm, rough voice in his head – I’ll let you call me Jay, I’ll hold you to that, Hello again, Howard Donald, Challenge accepted – and a ghost of a smile flitted across his lips. That man forever played on his mind, proof that he wasn’t really giving up on him, he supposed, but he felt guilty all the same. Shouldn’t he be getting angry, begging Kathryn and Ben to somehow make their colleagues work harder, demanding answers and shouting at the rain?
“So they think it’s more or less over? Nothing else to do? Just…unanswered questions and a hope he’ll turn up one day?” Mark’s voice was small and pinched, a defeated note in it that suggested he knew the answer to his questions.
“Technically they can’t close the investigation ‘til the find him or find a satisfactory explanation for what happened that night. Not officially anyway,” Howard said quietly. “But it can’t stay as an active investigation forever. A city as big as ours, they just can’t make Jay a priority when stuff’s happening every day.” Howard shrugged helplessly and Mark nodded, looking down.
“I know. It just seems so…wrong. I can’t get my head around it, don’t think I ever will.”
“No,” Howard agreed quietly. “But it helps that…it helps that I’m still so sure of Jay, you know? That this isn’t him. I might not know anything else but I know Jay wouldn’t do this.”
“Even if Jay did run away, he’d be back within the hour. Full of guilt and apologies,” Gary chuckled fondly, shaking his head slightly. “No, you’re right. This isn’t Jay. I just…sometimes I think that makes it worse in a way. Something bad happened that night and we might never know what it was but…we still just have to go on without him.”
The three men lapsed into silence. Outside the sounds of normal life could be heard; a police siren, a chorus of shrieking girls laughing as they ducked out of the rain, a car speeding off and the splash of someone tramping through a puddle. “God I miss him,” Gary muttered, almost to himself, and Howard smiled sadly.
“I’m thinking of getting some sort of a badge made up to say the exact same thing,” he put in softly. Gary nodded.
“Ok. Ok. We’ve been maudlin and miserable for long enough – Jay would want to give us all a smack round the chops if he caught us spending the day this way,” he said abruptly, slapping his hands on his thighs and getting purposefully to his feet. “I vote we shut up the shop early and go to the pub; sound like a plan?” he enquired, looking at Howard first before turning to Mark.
“I’m game if Howard is,” Mark shrugged.
“A drink sounds good about now,” Howard agreed and Gary smiled determinedly.
“Perfect. Let’s get out of here,” he said, offering out a hand to Mark and helping him to his feet. “I think there’s a brolly in the back room…Jay’s forward-thinking to the rescue again.”
There were a lot of places within walking distance of the shop, all familiar haunts to them and with very little to choose between them. But there was one place that was perfect for forgetting the world for a while; The Rose And Crown was one of those rare places that always seemed peaceful, even when it was packed full, and the three of them easily found a spot in the corner to huddle together and chat. Gary bought the first round as Mark and Howard set about drying themselves off, Mark fussing over Howard’s wet coat and muttering about it ruining the material if it wasn’t dried off properly. Howard found it oddly calming to be joking and talking nonsense again; that ache of missing Jason still pulled at him, but with Mark and Gary his laughter was genuine, not forced, his interest in their conversations about music and the world enough to distract him and make him feel more human than he had in weeks. Even talking about Jason didn’t seem to hurt as much – it felt natural to talk about him with them, to tease and banter about him just the way they would if he were there.
“Can I ask you a weird question about you and Jay?” They were well into Howard’s round when Mark ventured a question that had been on his mind for some time, and they were probably way beyond him really needing to ask permission, but he was cautious all the same, watching Howard anxiously for his reaction. For a beat Howard continued to sip at his drink, his eyes on the middle distance, but then he smiled – a little shyly – and inclined his head slightly in acceptance, so Mark set down his drink and pulled his legs up to sit cross-legged, taking a deep breath before he continued. He was still nestled in the crook of Gary’s arm but his focus was all on Howard now, round eyes misty and curious. “You know that thing you have…that thing the two of you have where you can be snapping at each other like crazy but still holding hands or wrapped up in each other’s arms?” Howard’s lips twitched into another small smile and Mark grinned slightly, taking that as agreement. “You’ve got your own secret language and it’s totally at odds with itself sometimes – that’s the thing I mean. And I s’pose what I want to know is…what is that? What is going on between the two of you that the rest of us are always just scrambling to figure out?” Mark’s eyes scanned Howard’s face; he saw a trace of sadness about his expression, but his eyes were smiling, even as he looked down and began to play restlessly with his hands. Mark almost wondered if he was going to shake his head and say he couldn’t talk about it, but, after a moment, Howard shrugged slightly, tipping his head back and letting out a long breath.
“You know how sometimes you meet people and you can just feel every ugly, stupid part of you come crashing out?” Mark’s brow furrowed slightly but he nodded and Howard’s lips quirked into a faintly amused smile. “And then sometimes you meet people who bring out all the good stuff – the jokes and the confidence and happiness?” Mark nodded again and Howard chuckled slightly, rolling his eyes. “I’m not a romantic like you pair; not in the sunshine, rainbows and love songs way anyway. I’m all or nothing when it comes to getting soppy, because once I start talking about that sort of stuff I find it hard to stop, so I would always rather make a joke than pour my heart out. I don’t even really believe in love at first sight. But what I do know is that I’ve never met anyone before who brings out every part of who I am, so easily, or so instantly as that man does.” He glanced up at Mark, flicking his gaze between him and Gary before quickly looking away again, shifting awkwardly under their intrigued expressions. “When I’m with Jay, it’s everything, you know? The daft, the amazing, the ugly, the smart. The stubborn – that’s good and bad sometimes. The funny, the honest, the stupid…the love. It’s like this adrenaline rush you can’t even process half the time. It’s addictive, because suddenly you feel alive like you’ve never known before and you chase it: it's like when you find one of those songs that captures something in you and it makes you want to listen to it on repeat for the rest of your life. You just know: I’d follow this man straight into oblivion just so I could keep getting that high.”
The three of them lapsed into silence, Gary and Mark’s eyes still on Howard and Howard’s eyes trained intently on the ceiling. Slowly, Gary sat back and smiled.
“You might not be a romantic, but you’re fearless; you know that, Howard Donald?” he murmured and Howard looked over at him with a small, bashful grin.
“It’s not really about being fearless, you know. It’s about being fucking terrified but still letting someone grab a hold of you and say ‘If we’re going down, we’re going down together’ – you don’t have a clue what you’re doing but it’s somehow still ok.” Howard shrugged. “It’s always been the same, with me and him. We can be afraid in the dark together, we can cry together…no one knows except the two of us and that just…it makes it ok. And right now I feel like I’m just waiting for the night to come when we’re back there again – I can’t bring myself to be scared or break down because I’d fall apart without him there to glue the pieces back. It’s what we do. And I know, I’ve not been alone in the world since the day I met him – that’s what I have to keep reminding myself, because if I didn’t…I think I’d have fallen apart weeks ago.”
***
Howard woke up to the sound of the rain, pattering in irregular beats against the bedroom window. He was lying on his stomach, face half-buried in his pillow, and he opened one eye, squinting at the room, vaguely disorientated. He was still getting used to the phenomena of staying at Jason’s through the night – it wasn’t such a new thing anymore, but he still felt a slight thrill in it when Jason whispered ‘Stay’ against his lips as they kissed goodnight. Such a simple word, but it had to be earned from Jason’s mouth, tied up for him – as it was – with trust and promises and never to be taken for granted. It was never said quite the same way twice, Howard found, not by Jason. When he had asked tonight it had been a tentative whisper, murmured against his skin like a plea or a secret, a brief window into a weakness Jason didn’t expose to just anyone. That was why Howard wasn’t surprised to find Jason was awake now, sitting cross-legged on the bed and staring out of the window with a quietly uneasy look on his face, even as his bright blue eyes glittered in the bedroom’s half-light. It was a dark, cloudy night, but enough moonlight fell in through the window to cast the room in shades of pale grey and for a moment Howard watched the way the shadows danced across Jason’s sharp, handsome face.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Howard asked softly after a minute or two had passed in silence. Jason didn’t look at him, but a small smile tugged at the corners of his lips and he looked down at his hands. Howard had seen this man dance in his living room, seen him mutter curses under his breath when he thought no one was listening, seem him playful and flirtatious and lazy and everything in between. He knew him. He knew what it was like to see him lost – the strange part was to see him lost and not try to hide it. The intimacy of that made his heartbeat stutter a little in his ribcage. Slowly Howard pushed himself up and out of the covers, sitting himself down opposite Jason and mirroring his pose – the action brought Jason’s gaze up to meet his own and he sat silently for a moment, letting Jason study his face thoughtfully.
“Sometimes I don’t think it’s healthy how much I need you, you know that?” he murmured at last. His lips were curved as he said it, and Howard knew Jason well enough to know that it wasn’t the rejection that it sounded like. “If it’s not then I don’t care,” Jason added then, meeting Howard’s gaze briefly and flashing him a tiny smile. For a moment he held the look, then slowly let out a sigh, his eyes drifting back to the window. “What gave me away?” he asked, more quietly, and Howard smiled.
“A lot of things. Mostly that you didn’t look at me when you asked me to stay tonight,” he answered with a half-shrug and Jason let out a small laugh, glancing away and trying to suppress his smile.
“You know all my tells and secrets, Howard Donald,” he said after a beat.
“It goes both ways,” Howard reminded him gently and Jason inclined his head slightly, meeting Howard’s eyes once more with a hint of a smile.
“Two strangers in a dark room making promises – I feel like that should scare me more,” he said thoughtfully.
“We’ve never really been strangers though, you and me,” Howard replied softly. He saw the light dance in Jason’s eyes as his lips twisted into a gorgeously tender expression.
“No. I guess not,” he whispered back.
It was strange how intimate it felt to sit – not touching – across from each other and listen to the rain, the sound of each other breathing. The shadows of the room should’ve seemed dangerous and uncertain, but there was nothing unknown to Howard about Jason’s body being close, nothing daunting about knowing this pause – this peace – was simply the slightest breath of what the full force of him was truly like. Jason was glorious and brilliant – Howard loved his lightning just as much as his tenderness, loved his wild heartbeat just as much as his lazy laughs. His sharp edges and angles fell away in the moonlight, though, leaving him exposed, imperfect and beautiful, and he looked at Howard with a calm sort of honesty, blue eyes dazzling and piercing even in the semi-darkness. His pale lips twisted into a lopsided smile, as though he could hear Howard’s thoughts. “Sometimes I feel like I’m playing at being someone I’m not really…because with some people it’s too hard to just be myself – they don’t understand and I’d rather they didn’t anyway. And then I turn around and there you are; and suddenly I can’t pretend anymore because you’ve brought out everything without even trying.” He swallowed and closed his eyes, taking a moment to clear his head. Howard allowed him the time, understanding and patient, and eventually he reopened his eyes, looking down at his hands again with a small sigh. “I got in an argument with my dad today. I don’t know, I guess he remembers things differently to me… sometimes I think he just magically wants me to be over it all, wants to act like he didn’t go away for all that time and to make out that I’m still the same kid he left behind.” Howard ached at the broken tone in Jason’s voice, sympathy and protectiveness mingling inside him and making his chest feel tight and his body feel heavy. Some of those jagged edges that made Jason so beautiful, so fascinating – they were the wounds and scars left behind by what had happened with his dad, and Howard knew it. As sad as it was, it made him glorious and complex, it had helped form him into this captivating human being who could pull people in with a smile and make them think about things in ways no one else could. Jason had emerged from it all with a dry wit and a streak of stubborn loyalty that ran to his core – he had also emerged from it with a certain melancholy too, though, a sense of displacement and insecurity that had never fully left him, a bruise of distrust that was only now starting to fade. And his guards, the ones he had long kept up even for those people he was closest to, guards only truly let down for the first time when he sat with Howard in the dark. To ignore that was to ignore the fire and light that was this man, to pretend nothing had changed in him for good or bad was to betray him almost as much as leaving. And Howard wanted to say all that, but when he looked at Jason, Jason met his eyes and the words died on his lips. Because, defiant as ever, Jason’s eyes blazed back at him, unwavering, grateful and honest. Howard felt a slow smile colour his lips; Jason knew what Howard saw when he looked at him – knew that Howard had catalogued all the different ways he said ‘stay’ and understood each one’s meaning and significance without once needing the scars and sharp edges to be explained or hidden away. So Howard simply held out his hand, his eyes still on Jason’s – blue, brilliant and intense – and Jason smiled softly back at him, taking his hand and letting him clasp it tight.
***
Jason could feel the faint warmth of the sunshine on his face before he opened his eyes. His whole body ached and he could feel the nagging of the crick in his neck but he was reluctant to move, to even so much as open his eyes. Emily was gone, he knew because he couldn’t hear the sounds of her moving around the place; she had a frantic, restless energy about her and she would move around aimlessly sometimes, rattling her keys or dusting away imaginary dirt from her clothes, never staying still for long. It was exhausting and he welcomed the relief, even if he knew it would be short-lived. She’d been more frantic than ever since that day that Howard’s soft, broken voice had pierced the room, shaking at both their senses. He knew why he was so affected by it – Howard could be so gentle, so tender sometimes that it almost made him cry, and distance did nothing to dull that pull he had on him. But the way it affected Emily confused him; it had unbalanced her, unexpectedly drawn something just close enough to the surface to spook her and send her into an almost blind frenzy of determination. She was plotting – always plotting and muttering, whispering under her breath then catching herself when she remembered he was still there, or turning away when she felt his eyes on her. He was past caring what it was she did to him – he had plenty of bruises, cuts and sprains from her chaotic moods and he didn’t see what difference it would make if he earned a few more. It was impossible to avoid even if he wanted to; whilst she never seemed to intend to injure him, she had a total disconnect between herself and her own strength, too wild and anxious to notice when her hands gripped that bit too tightly or her arms flew out with unexpected force. No, Jason didn’t even register what she did to him. It was Howard he was worried for – every ounce of her energy and focus seemed to have turned on him, as though wounding him enough to make him stay down would somehow act as the switch that flipped everything in her world back to the way she wanted it to be. But what it would take to make Howard go down and stay there, Jason wasn’t sure – something catastrophic, he suspected, though the thought terrified him.
It was an hour before the peace was shattered – he heard the front door open and shut, listened to the familiar sequence of latches and locks and used to the time to prepare himself for battle, dredging up everything he had left in his reserves. He opened his eyes slowly and took a deep breath as the next sequence of chains and bolts began, the jangle of keys in the lock the final warning before the door finally flew open.
Emily crossed the room in a flurry, her blonde hair flying out behind her, her eyes wide and suddenly filled with a wild hope that sent a shiver of anxiety through Jason’s body. She stood before him for a moment, an unreadable smile on her lips, before suddenly falling upon him forcefully, grabbing his upper arms and looking down on him like he were a child. Her perfume was sweet and he couldn’t help but look at the soft lines of her face and think of the kind, quiet person he suspected lay just beneath the frenetic, desperate girl he’d come to know. She gripped him so tightly her nails dug into his skin, even through his shirt, as she looked in his face for some trace of shared excitement, or happiness to see her, but Jason simply looked up at her, unflinching and defiant. She was looking for something in his face that wasn’t there – looking for someone who never had been there to begin with – and he saw her crumple, just slightly, when she didn’t find what it was she so needed.
“You’ll see and you’ll be happy eventually,” she told him softly, touching a hand to his cheek. He closed his eyes and turned away but she simply leant in closer, leaning her forehead to his and ignoring the slight wince that crossed his features as she did. “I’ve worked it out – the way to make him stop and go away so we can fix everything.”
“He won’t just lie down and think what you want him to think, Emily – that man will keep getting back up no matter how many times you knock him down. If he knew when he was beaten then he wouldn’t be with me.”
“Stop that, stop doing that! Stop worrying about him,” she said firmly, her grip on his arm tightening even as she traced the fingers of her other hand tenderly along his jawline. “I’m putting an end to all the confusion. I’m going to end the lies for him and for you. And then you’ll be free…and you and me? We can go back to how it used to be.” She brushed her thumb along his cheek and Jason shrunk back as far as he could, desperate to get away from her touch but with nowhere to run. “I’m going to fix everything, you just have to trust me – I know how to make it better now. For all of us.”
***
Howard jolted awake as his chin hit his chest. It took a moment for the fog of sleep to clear his brain and he blinked rapidly, looking around the empty bedroom and re-cataloguing the empty spaces. The bedroom was covered by a now-familiar blanket of silence, pierced only by the sound of the wind whipping up outside, the occasional gusts roaring past the windows and briefly echoing through the whole apartment. He looked at the empty side of the bed disconsolately, careful not to encroach into the space. Funny how, now that Jason wasn’t there, it suddenly seemed right to observe the boundary he had spent so much time ignoring in the past. So many mornings he had woken up and slung an arm across, pulling Jason closer or edging over onto his pillow to whisper and tease and coax and challenge, sometimes even to argue, picking up where they’d left off the night before and bickering on like no time had passed at all, bodies always close, limbs winding together even through their disagreements. Confessions and promises had so often been exchanged across this space, soft whispers that could barely be heard over the rustle of sheets or the sound of the rain. He had never imagined the shadows of their bedroom could become so cold and he wondered if that would ever become less of a foreign feeling to him, wondered if there would come a day when he didn’t notice the way the silence roared in his ears when there was no one to tell him stories and offer him teases in the dark of midnight, no one laughing with him in the colourless early morning light. It hurt, existing this way. But the pain was a feeling at least, a reminder of that love that proved how important it was, how much a part of him it had become – Howard wasn’t sure he ever wanted that reminder to go away, feared what it meant if he could simply get over it.
Huffing out a breath, Howard climbed off the bed and headed for the lounge. He made a beeline for the remote, switching on the TV and turning up the volume, determined to try and fill the silence with something and not really caring what. The local news was on, the focus on the trial of a man accused of shooting a police officer – the officer in question had lived in his and Jason’s apartment building with his wife, though they hadn’t known him, and Howard shook his head slightly. The wife had moved out almost immediately after the shooting and Howard was ashamed to say he’d almost forgotten about it altogether – things shifted out of the news so easily, after all; Jason’s name had long ago dropped from their local headlines when nothing had come from the police’s second major appeal. He sighed and changed the channel. Pain was relative, he supposed; just because there were people facing more hideous situations than his own didn’t make his own emotions any less valid, but he felt a stab of guilt nonetheless and he wanted to distract himself with something mindless and mundane. A cooking programme filled the screen and he relaxed a little against the cushions, letting his eyes lose focus so the screen was nothing more than a few blurs of colour, the words a soothing mumble of nonsense that effectively broke the peace and stopped his mind lingering for too long on things he didn’t want to think about.
Of course, Jason was still always there, pressing at the corners of his thoughts. He’d live his whole life that way, he suspected – no matter what happened next, he would always be a man holding his breath, waiting for a moment that might never come but unable to ever fully squash his hope. As long as there were pictures of Jason at his side to go in the frames, as long as there were still post-its with Jason’s handwriting scrawled across them being used as bookmarks and that faded patch on one of the kitchen counters where Jason had set down a saucepan which had been left on the hotplate too long – as long all those things were there, Jason was there, still somehow made present in Howard’s mind.
The sound of his phone ringing was what shook him from his thoughts, and it took him a while to find it. The scramble to find it reminded him just how much of a mess he was letting the apartment get into, and he resolved to undo the damage later, not wanting to run the risk of Jason magically returning only to find total chaos in his previously immaculate home. In the end he found his phone in his jacket pocket, his jacket having been discarded on the armchair the previous night, and he grabbed it up hurriedly, sinking down into the armchair as he did so, only to wince and pull out a book from under him, tossing it down onto the coffee table as he finally answered the phone breathlessly.
“Hello?”
“There you are!” Gary Barlow’s tone was light but Howard heard the undercurrent of genuine relief there. “New rule; everybody calls everybody else to make sure they got home safely. This is the fourth time I’ve rung you, you know that?” Gary added, and Howard smiled slightly guiltily.
“Sorry, mate. I didn’t think…I was so exhausted I just headed straight for bed. Stared at the ceiling for three hours but I did finally get some sleep – which I think is progress.”
“Well I don’t begrudge you that,” Gary replied kindly. “Anyway, Mark and me are off out in a bit – thought we’d take Cadbury to the park and get some fresh air. Might be good for you too if you want to join; I know you don’t get out of that apartment nearly enough these days,” he offered and Howard smiled wryly to himself before glancing out of the window at the ominously dark Manchester sky.
“If you’re trying to say I don’t get out much, then I would just like to point out that we’ve had three thunderstorms the past week. Are you sure you want to risk going out to the park on a day like today? It looks ready to pour, you know.”
“Oh, I know – believe me, I’ve had this conversation with Mark three times already. He’s adamant we need fresh air though, and you know what he’s like once he’s got an idea in his head.” Gary’s tone was dry but amused and Howard chuckled softly. He could just picture Mark, hands on hips, staring at the sky before declaring it ‘not that bad’ and pressing on. “Anyway, when we’ve towelled ourselves dry and defrosted we were thinking of ordering in a curry – think that sounds any more tempting than puddle-snorkelling with two hyperactive puppies and one very soggy Barlow?” Gary offered and Howard laughed.
“Sure, count me in. Although…is it ok if we do it at my place? I just…I need to be here right now. Just in case.”
“Of course, mate. We’ll see you there.”
***
As Howard began to set out the takeaway cartons, Mark quickly disentangled himself from Gary’s arms, hopping up from the sofa and bounding across the room to help get together the plates and cutlery.
“Calm down, y’ little pixie,” Gary chuckled, also getting to his feet and coming over to help Howard. “Anyone would think I hadn’t fed him all week,” he added and Mark pulled a face.
“I’m being helpful, Barlow,” he challenged, waving his hand dismissively. “Anyway, I can’t help it that I burn energy quickly.”
“Pretty sure your sugar-only diet is the reason for that, actually – so you’re not so innocent after all,” Howard put in with a smirk and Mark feigned outrage.
“You steal all my fizzy cola bottles and you know it, Howard” he countered, setting down the plates and cutlery and crossing over to join Gary by the breakfast bar, wrapping an arm around his waist. “Besides, I need all that sugar to keep me sweet,” he beamed and Gary chuckled.
“Oh do you now?” he asked, kissing Mark’s nose. Howard rolled his eyes fondly, turning to grab some extra cutlery from a drawer.
Just as he was turning back to start dishing up the food, the sound of a key in the apartment door distracted him and he, Mark and Gary all looked across just in time for the door to open and Jason to step inside. He seemed slightly surprised to find three pairs of eyes on him as he shut the door behind him, and he raised his eyebrows enquiringly.
“You are all aware I live here, you know?” he pointed out with a smirk, setting down his bag and keys and coming over to join them in kitchen. “Besides, I’m not going to let you lot eat all the curry,” he added as he leant into Howard’s side, pressing a kiss to his cheek and letting him wrap an arm around his waist.
“Tough day, love?” he asked, his voice soft and knowing, and Jason rolled his eyes, a hint of exasperation playing over his face.
“The Orange family has a habit of not remembering that it is no longer 1980 and we are no longer kids who don’t know any better,” he groaned slightly. “I love them, I really do, and we will always be close…but sometimes they do my head in.”
“What was it this time? You breaking up arguments or you at the centre of them?” Howard said, kissing Jason’s temple, and Jason looked up at him with a weary smile, gratitude and affection shining quietly in his eyes.
“Bit of both, which is always fun. They just don’t understand me sometimes, I suppose – my own fault probably.” He shrugged. “I don’t tell them everything. Not like I tell you, anyway,” he added with a soft smile that Howard returned.
“Good to know,” he replied quietly, bumping his hip against Jason’s and coaxing a laugh out of him that lit up his whole face, the light dancing in his eyes.
“Stop gloating about how well you know me, Howard Donald.”
“I didn’t say anything,” Howard protested, an unashamed smile on his face and a laugh in his voice that made Jason’s eyes twinkle even as he narrowed them at him playfully.
“No, because you didn’t have to – I can just see it in your face.” Howard chuckled.
“Well then maybe you know me too, did that ever occur to you, Mister Know-It-All?” he shot back, eyebrows raised, and Jason could only laugh, shaking his head slightly and teasingly smacking Howard away from him.
“Shut up and feed me,” he sighed, his tone jokingly despairing, and he turned to Mark and Gary, who were watching the scene before them in bewildered amusement. “He’s a terrible person and you’re not to encourage him,” he told them matter-of-factly, though his smile was mischievous, and with that he moved around the breakfast bar, heading off towards the bedroom to put away his hoody and scarf.
“Do you ever feel like they forget we’re even here?” Gary stage-whispered to Mark as Jason disappeared, and Howard smothered a grin.
“And do you ever feel like you have no room to talk?” he queried brightly. “I watched you serenade Mark for half an hour today,” he pointed out.
“We were rehearsing!” Gary protested weakly and Howard shot him a knowing look.
“You were flirting. A rehearsal would’ve involved Jay being there, all of us knowing the song, Mark not eating strawberry bootlaces and the song being finished, with a harmony.” He looked at Gary pointedly. “Unless you’re going solo?” he teased.
“I don’t think that’s true, you know,” Mark offered and Howard looked at him enquiringly.
“How so?”
“I’m pretty sure I’d still be eating strawberry bootlaces, even if it was a rehearsal,” Mark grinned back and Howard rolled his eyes fondly.
“I second that,” Jason called as he returned to the room. “Or at the very least an extra-large bag of Haribo,” he added with a smile, coming around the breakfast bar and moving to reach for a plate, only for Howard to catch him around the waist before he could even think to duck away.
“Er, no dinner for you ‘til I get my kiss,” Howard told him, blue eyes sparkling with mischief, and Jason arched an eyebrow at him.
“I’m going to need you to make a pretty strong case for a kiss right now, Howard Donald – pretty sure I kissed you before I left this afternoon. Several times, in fact. Enough to nearly make me late,” Jason said dryly, trying to smother his smile, and Howard simply smirked, leaning their foreheads together with impish glee.
“You don’t want to challenge me, Jay – you know I never know when I’m beaten.”
“Oh I’m pretty sure I live to challenge you, actually,” Jason countered, leaning back in Howard’s embrace, his spine arched teasingly and his expression all delight and mischief.
“You’re a nightmare,” Howard told him in a low, rough voice that was edged with pleasure and admiration.
“Oh, I’m glorious,” Jason shot back with a grin and Howard simply laughed, pulling Jason suddenly flush against him and dipping his head to capture his lips in a deep kiss. Jason’s eyes fluttered closed immediately and he allowed himself to be pulled in, enjoying the gentle pressure of Howard’s arms around him and the sound of his heartbeat close against his own.
When they finally drew apart they were both breathless and smiling – Jason looked up at Howard, meeting his gaze immediately, the corner of his lips twitching up, and Howard once more leant his forehead against Jason’s, reaching a hand up to cup his cheek. They both lived for these games of push and pull.
“You’re glorious,” Howard whispered and Jason laughed.
“I’m a nightmare,” he countered, widening his eyes for effect before pressing a brief kiss to Howard’s lips and then stepping easily out of his embrace.
As Jason and Howard moved apart like nothing had happened, Gary leant across and bumped his shoulder against Mark’s.
“It’s official, Marko, I have no idea what just happened.”
“Mind your own business, Barlow,” Howard told him cheerfully, not looking at him and instead sharing an amused look with Jason. Gary simply chuckled.
“Oh believe me, I try. But apparently I’m friends with a bunch of exhibitionists.”
“Says the showman himself,” Jason put in with a sly, knowing smile, arching an eyebrow at Gary, who feigned outrage.
“Never mind, Gaz,” Mark put in with a grin. “We’ll give ‘em something to talk about when you start work on that second verse tomorrow,” he added, beaming mischievously, and Jason and Howard both let out low groans, amusement in their eyes even as they pulled matching faces of distaste.
***
“Please, Emily – you can’t go through with this.”
“I have to! Why can’t you just see that?”
“Because it’s insane, that’s why, ok? It’s wrong, in every way possible, and it won’t fix anything – it’ll only hurt everyone more. You can’t seriously expect me to help you with this? To let you do this to people I love, I care about?”
“I have to help them see!”
“By putting them through this?!”
“I thought you’d understand! I thought you’d be grateful, I thought you’d want to help do this in a way that gives that man some sort of answer, so he can move on just as much as we can.”
“He won’t believe it for one moment.”
“He will.”
“Then you don’t know him like I do – and believe me, I know him. And I know he knows me better than this.”
“Well you don’t get a say: I’m going to do this. I’m going to help you even though you refuse to be helped and I’m going to fix everything. And if you don’t help me, then I’ll just type the thing myself – I can come up with something, I don’t need your words or your writing.”
“You need it to be my handwriting.”
“That’s not important.”
“Emily, please.”
“No. No. I’m doing this. I’m setting you free and you can’t change my mind – I’m setting all of us free. You and me…and even him. He’ll see too, eventually. And we can all be ok again. Don’t you see?”
“There’s only one way to make this right, Emily.”
“No.”
“Emily-”
“I said no! I thought you would be grateful, you know? I come here and give you a chance to do things your way; to talk to him one last time and let him down personally, to let you play along with his lies just for a little while to make yourself feel better about being happy despite him. But if you won’t help? Then I lose nothing; I’ll do it myself.”
“Wait! Just…just wait, ok. Give me the pen and paper. I’ll write it. I’ll help you, but only on one condition.”
“What?”
“I can write what I want to write: no dictating, no input, no changing it. My words and my words only. Do we have a deal?”
“Fine. But I need it written soon. And don’t even think about playing any tricks on me – you write it so he’ll believe it. This is our chance – don’t you dare try and take it away.”
“I’ll write it so he’ll know what he has to know, Emily. I told you: no one knows me like him. He’ll hear what he needs to hear.”
“What I want him to hear?”
“He’ll hear what he needs to hear to not go completely insane…I hope. But you have to know this, Emily: somewhere, deep down, you will regret putting him through this. One day. One day you’ll regret putting him through this because you – you of all people – should know just how destructive that pain can be, even just a second of it. Remember that. Think about it. And please, before this all goes too far…try and do the right thing.”
“Just write. In the morning you’ll see. Soon you’ll get past this and you’ll see what I can see.”
***
Oldham Street was bathed in a rare spell of sunshine – slowly but surely, the days were starting to show signs of getting longer and a peculiar sort of optimism seemed to have settled in the air. It was almost closing time and – with Mark’s shift at the cafe having ended a half-hour ago and Barlow’s Music Shop’s last customer having been despatched with a cardboard box-load of old records – Gary was taking the opportunity to run melodies by Mark as they waited for Howard to meet them for drinks. It was a pleasing patch of normality amidst the weirdness of the past weeks and Gary found it soothing to feel so light and giddy for a change, relishing the rare opportunity to simply enjoy the day. It was difficult sometimes, being the leader; as the figure-head of their group, he felt a certain amount of responsibility to somehow make everything ok, as though it somehow fell to him to find Jason because he was always the man with the plan. He knew it was irrational, knew that there was nothing he could do and that neither Mark nor Howard expected him to do any more than what he had, but it still nagged at him all the same. He was the responsible one, the one they looked to in a crisis. As much as he had always known and appreciated Jason’s friendship, it was only now he was gone that he fully realised just how important he was within their group; Jason kept people in check, always coming at things from a different angle, knowing when to pipe up with the difficult advice or take someone aside and tackle an awkward question. It was a lot easier to captain the ship when Jason was there to keep an eye on the detail, Gary supposed, and he didn’t think he would ever stop missing that voice, always so calm and gentle as he made his point and offered up his own quiet observations just when Gary needed them most. But today had been one of those days when he hadn’t felt quite so useless, one of those days where he actually felt he was doing a good job of keeping the three of them together and more or less on an even keel – persuading Howard to actually leave his apartment for a night had felt like something of an achievement, and having Mark Owen sitting atop his piano and smiling was a satisfying reward.
As if hearing his thoughts, Mark suddenly caught Gary’s eye, one eyebrow arched, and Gary smiled back at him winningly, tilting his head to one side. Impish and quick, Mark tilted his own head swiftly the other way and back again, swerving every time Gary came close to capturing his lips in a kiss. The mischievous glitter in Mark’s eyes was captivating and for a moment Gary’s fingers stilled on the piano keys, making Mark’s grin even wider.
“That’s not a very good ending, Barlow. Far too abrupt, you know?” Mark told him, stifling a giggle and beaming playfully as he pretended to scowl at him. As Mark shrugged – carefree – Gary had to struggle not to break and laugh at him.
“Oh, that face of yours looks innocent – but if only people knew the little devil that lies beneath that smile,” he said dryly. Mark stuck his tongue out and Gary shook his head in fond despair, throwing his hands up in mock-surrender. “Ok, I’m powerless; name your price for a kiss,” he sighed, making Mark chuckle. With a bright grin, he stretched out, sliding along the baby grand just enough to press a lingering kiss against Gary’s lips. When he pulled back he gave a small half-shrug and a playful smile.
“No price. I just wanted to know you were willing to pay,” he beamed before quickly sitting himself up and producing a lollipop from his pocket. His chestnut-coloured hair was fluffy and dishevelled after a full day at the cafe and it fell in his eyes – he blew at it but it barely moved and so he flicked his head dramatically instead.
“Stop preening – a couple of loud chords on this beauty and you’d fall right off her, don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Gary pointed out with amusement and Mark pulled a face.
“You should’ve seen the rush at lunch today – it did a number on me hair, you know. It’s not preening if I’m just trying to right a wrong,” he said and Gary rolled his eyes.
“Well you still look beautiful to me,” he remarked softly and Mark paused, looking down at him with a soft smile that shone in his eyes.
“You can be very sweet sometimes, Barlow,” he said, popping the lollipop in his mouth and flashing Gary a quick wink.
Before Gary could come up with a reply, the sound of the shop’s bell cut through the air and he and Mark both turned in unison to see Howard making his way across the shop floor. His eyes were down, a heavy frown marring his features, and he looked pale and fragile in a way Gary had never seen before, not even in the darkest times since Jason first disappeared. Gary flicked a brief glance up at Mark, who looked just as concerned as he did, and the two of them turned nervously back just as Howard reached the step to the back room.
“Hey, Howard…you’re early. What’s wrong?” Gary ventured carefully, watching as Howard kept his eyes determinedly on the floor. His hands were buried in his pockets and his eyes looked a tired, grey shadow of their usual piercing blue; that expression of his was so strained Gary almost wanted to beg him not to say whatever it was he was struggling to put into words. Howard swallowed hard and slowly lifted his gaze, and in that moment both Mark and Gary knew that whatever he was about to say was something neither one of them wanted to hear – and they were even more certain that whatever it was had something to do with Jason.
“Kathryn and Ben came around this afternoon. Asked for Jay’s family to be there too.” Howard’s voice was soft and hollow and Gary felt himself tensing, his chest suddenly tightening, and he could feel Mark also stilling beside him, an uneasy quiet filling the room as Howard gathered himself for a moment “The police finally found Jay’s car…” Howard trailed off, swallowing again and closing his eyes for a moment. It took everything he had to steady his breathing and fight off the tears that threatened – he stubbornly refused to cry. “There was a group out litter-picking along the river. They spotted his car abandoned over there this morning.” Howard tipped his head back and drew in another shaky breath.
“They didn’t find-” Gary ventured in a pained voice, but Howard flinched like he’d been stung.
“No. No – one of the people recognized the car from the news and called the police. They looked but the car was empty. But they found…”
“Found what?” Mark pressed in a small, nervous voice. Howard’s eyes turned back down to the floor once again and Gary began to bite at the inside of his cheek.
“They found empty pill packets – over the counter stuff but a lot of it. And then they found a…a note. Addressed to me. They need me to go down to the station with a sample of his handwriting but…they seemed pretty sure.”
“No,” Mark whispered. “No. Howard, they can’t think he’d…Jay would never…” Howard closed his eyes and Gary looked away. “They really think he did that?”
“Yes,” Howard managed in a strained whisper. There was a pause in which nobody could bear to look at each other. And then suddenly Howard’s eyes snapped up, his expression all steely determination. “It’s not about what they think, though. It’s about what I know,” he said firmly. “And I know Jay. He wouldn’t do this – he wouldn’t put any of us through this.” He looked between Gary and Mark then, his eyes pleading though his mouth remained set in a determined line. “You agree with me, right?” There was a catch in his voice that made Gary wince, and he glanced up at Mark, whose eyes were glassy and wide – there was a tear sliding down his cheek, and Gary knew it was up to him to offer Howard some sort of response. But what could he say? He knew what it sounded like, but there was a part of him that was every bit as repulsed by the idea as Howard was – was that just denial, or was there really something they were missing that could mean the police’s conclusions were wrong? “Gaz, when does he ever run? When does he ever give up?” Howard’s voice was scratchy and broken, but there was a defiance there that jolted Gary slightly and he looked up into Howard’s face. “Think about it, Gaz – what does he even have to run from?”
“But if the police really think-”
“They talked to his family about his sleeping problems – between them all they’ve come up with some bullshit idea that Jay was struggling, that me and him were struggling too. They’d rather believe he jumped in the fucking river than deal with the not knowing and the police are taking that as proof enough because it at least gets the case off their desks.” Howard shrugged helplessly. “And there’s nothing I can do.” Gary looked away again, rubbing his hands over his face and letting out a long sigh.
“So the investigation’s closed? That’s it? It’s all just…over? And we’re expected to just accept all this, like there’s no other explanation?” Mark asked, his voice croaky and unstable.
“Technically they can’t close the investigation ‘til they find him,” Howard murmured. “They’re sending out divers into the river soon, apparently. But they told us not to get our hopes up…the storms recently, the currents…and they don’t know how long the car’s been there.” Howard’s face twisted in disgust. “But it doesn’t matter anyway. I know Jay. I know he wouldn’t do this – not to his family, not to you pair. And definitely not to me or Grace.” Howard blew out a shuddery breath, running a hand through his hair and turning his eyes towards the sky. “Whatever that note says, whether it’s his handwriting or not…you have to believe me. Because I need someone else to have faith in him…he needs someone other than me to have faith in him. Whatever’s happened…he needs more than just me to be on his side right now.” Howard looked from Gary to Mark imploringly. Mark’s eyes were downturned, his focus on his hands, and Gary’s gaze was on the floor, but they could feel Howard’s desperate stare and both of them stilled beneath it, taking a moment in the silence of the shop to try and order their thoughts, to try and make sense of all the information at their disposal. Mark was the first to look up.
“I know he wouldn’t do this,” he whispered at last. “Jay always keeps his promises…and he promised you forever. We were all there – and we’ve been there almost every day since. This isn’t right and I know it.” Mark glanced at Gary then. “You know as well as I do what Howard means to Jay. This isn’t right, Gaz. You have to know that.” Gary looked up slowly, meeting Mark’s eyes for a moment before nodding slightly and reluctantly glancing back at Howard.
“I want to believe it I just…I can see why Jay’s family would disagree…I can see an argument for just…having answers, even if they’re answers that don’t make that much sense. Even if they’re answers we don’t like.” Howard looked back at Gary sadly, his eyes scanning his face for a moment before he huffed out a breath and glanced away.
“I understand, Gaz. I do – more than you know. But I’ve held that man’s hand in the dark and heard him swear that we were in this together…and I’m not about to give up on him just because it’s easier. Me and him…we fight ‘til there’s nothing left. And I still believe in that.”
Silence settled around them all again, and Gary could feel both Mark and Howard’s eyes boring into him. He swallowed and took a second to clear his head. He remembered Jason and Howard fighting in this very room, remembered them dancing at their wedding, remembered the day they met and their first kiss out in the rain – he remembered the first time he met Jason himself, this blaze of energy and grace, stubborn but charming as he introduced himself and listened to what Gary had to say about music, a quiet challenge in almost everything he had said in response but a genuine intrigue there all the same. And slowly Gary nodded and met Howard’s stare.
“Ok,” he whispered at last. “I believe you…I believe him.” It was a relief to say the words, and suddenly believing felt that tiny bit easier to do. But he couldn’t shake his fear of what that belief might come to mean – the strain of people around them feeling the questions were answered whilst the three of them desperately tried to cling on to hope didn’t bear thinking about. He closed his eyes for a moment and let out a heavy sigh. “But…it doesn’t change anything, Howard. Knowing what we know, the police knowing what they do – as far as the world is concerned we have our answers.”
“No,” Howard said firmly. “I’ll only have answers once I’ve seen that note. They can hate me and blame me all they like, but I won’t change my mind. Whatever happened – even if Jay did write that note? There’s a different answer in there somewhere. He’ll know he needs to leave all the clues there – he wouldn’t hide the truth from me, not ever. And he definitely wouldn’t let all those promises just…sink to the bottom of the river. There’s more to this, and I’m not about to give up.”
***
“Evenin’ darlin’. You know, you’re lucky I’m not the suspicious type, because this is the fifth time I’ve tried calling you today and you’re still not picking up. I tried your work mobile but that’s dead too, and of the five numbers I have for you this is the only one with voicemail – when I get home we’re going through the numbers and deleting all the ones of your old phones, ok? Anyway, I’m calling to let you know I won’t be home ‘til tomorrow. Long story involving my dad’s car, snow, Simon and Oliver and too much alcohol; I know that sounds like most Orange family stories but trust me, you won’t believe how messy this one got. Anyway, you should know I’m sorry – it’s that long since we had a night in the same place and I’m rambling on your voicemail instead of coming home. But I’m still safe, and I’m still missing you…and I’m still in love with you too, by the way…but then, you know that. I’m going to go get some sleep so I can get an early start to come home to you tomorrow. Maybe if I sleep deep enough I’ll dream of you – sound like a deal, Donald? Anyway, goodnight, love – and I’ll see you soon. Sweet dreams, ok? I’ll be back before you know it.”
Howard smiled to himself and sank down onto the sofa, closing his eyes. A sleepy sort of contentedness settled over him and he idly cast his phone aside. The apartment was so quiet and empty, but Jason’s voice had been so rough and warm, and in the morning he’d be home. He let out a long sigh and felt his body sag against the cushions, letting sleep take him over.
***
It was late when Howard made it back to the apartment – he’d put it off as long as he could but there was nowhere left to go. Somehow the emptiness seemed to cling to the air and he stood for a moment in the darkness, letting it settle over his skin. It was the first time since Jason had disappeared that he had actively avoided their home, desperate to be anywhere but inside the space they had shared together, feeling no desire to sit alone and listen to the rain. Mark and Gary had offered to come back with him, but somehow that idea had seemed even worse; he was certain he couldn’t deal with being alone right now, but he was even more certain that he couldn’t deal with being around people, not even people who understood. There was only one person in the whole world who he felt he could talk to, knew he could cry with – but that person was lost and instead there were just raindrops to whisper his fears to, to confess all his sins and secrets to in the dark. And he had plenty to confess these days. Sometimes – in his weaker moments – he had stood in this empty apartment and wished he’d never even laid eyes on Jason; did that make him a terrible person? It was such a strange, desperate thing to feel but there had been moments where he had seized upon it. Because this, this loss and uncertainty – it felt like his bones had crumbled away beneath his skin and it was exhausting just to stand. But there was no one he dared say that to – Jason was the only one who would understand, because it had never been a secret between the two of them. Jason hadn’t given his life meaning; he didn’t need him to survive, didn’t look to him to make his life valuable or significant. That was the point. The point was that meeting Jason – it was like that moment when your favourite song came on the radio and you got to turn the volume up; it was life lived in vivid, tenacious technicolour and it was exhilarating. He supposed a few broken bones were to be expected when crashing down from that kind of height; the song had been stopped before the chorus and he was left staggering around, disorientated, a strange, starchy taste left in his mouth. It was frustrating and devastating all at once. He didn’t understand those people who thought of love as some selfless act; all he and Jason ever did was take from each other, take everything and demand more – everything taken was given and everything given was taken and neither one of them would allow it unless the understanding was there that they were equals. Howard only had control over Jason when Jason wanted to relinquish control, Jason only had influence over Howard when Howard wanted to be influenced; there was no such thing as a selfless act in it, because even the greatest sacrifice was made with the express understanding that something – time, hope, sympathy, love – would eventually be given in return. It was no different now: he believed in Jason because he needed to be given hope, he stayed strong because he was waiting for the moment Jason sat with him in the dark and let him cry. He missed him because he expected that somewhere out there Jason was missing him too.
“Try explaining that to people, Jay. They all just think I’m crazy,” Howard muttered, rubbing a hand over his face.
The shrill ring of his phone made Howard jump, and he pulled it out, staring blankly down at the caller ID lighting up the screen. Justin. Now there was a conversation he didn’t want to have – in the list of conversations he was avoiding, that one was probably top. He and Jason’s immediate family had left things on somewhat difficult terms that afternoon; everyone had been in a state of shock but with tensions already high between Justin and Howard, Howard’s silence and subsequent defiance had somehow been deemed insulting by one or two, the already growing rift being widened by the beginnings of a grief Howard couldn’t bring himself to share in. Sighing, Howard hit ‘ignore’ and chucked his phone down on the breakfast bar tiredly. He’d already had one phone argument tonight, he really wasn’t up for another one – his conversation with Vicky about how much or how little to allow Grace to know had gotten away from him when Vicky had accused him of being in denial and he had accused her of being too quick to let Grace be told something that couldn’t even be conclusively proven, and in the end no real decision had been reached other than an agreement that they would both sit down and talk with Grace before the end of the week.
For a moment he stood, letting the silence sink into his tired body. And then a thought occurred to him; he scooped his phone back up and crossed over to the sofa, collapsing onto it gratefully as he navigated his way through his phone menus and finally pulled up his voicemail, pressing the phone to his ear and closing his eyes. You have one saved message.
“Evenin’ darlin’.” Jason’s lazily playful voice was like a balm over his aching bones. Howard could see flashes of gold dance behind his eyelids at that sound, the familiar notes of unspoken promises and unguarded affection making patterns of light where before there had been blank space and silence. At first Howard didn’t really listen to the words, simply letting Jason’s voice wash over him. But then it came to the part of the message he knew by heart – he listened to it sometimes when he was away for a long time and was missing home “But I’m still safe, and I’m still missing you…and I’m still in love with you too, by the way…but then, you know that. I’m going to go get some sleep so I can get an early start to come home to you. Maybe if I sleep deep enough I’ll dream of you – sound like a deal, Donald? Anyway, goodnight, love – and I’ll see you soon. Sweet dreams, ok? I’ll be back before you know it.” Howard smiled sadly, slowly taking the phone away from his ear and opening his eyes, staring despondently at the ceiling.
“I’m holding you to that promise, Jay…because I do know you love me…but it’s still about time you came home.”
***
Gary found Mark perched on the window ledge in their bedroom, nursing a hot chocolate, his knees pulled up to his chest as he stared out at the rain. It was hard to see in the half-light, but his eyes were red-rimmed from crying, though the tears had long since dried up, a hollow confusion starting to settle over him as he watched the world outside carry on like it was just another day. In the street below, a woman tottered on high-heeled boots, hunched under an umbrella that she had to hold down against the wind – her boots scratched on the tarmac as she splashed through the puddles, the ripples lit amber by the streetlamps. Mark watched her all the way to the end of the street, an unreadable expression on his face as she was swallowed by the darkness at the end of the road.
“How are you holding up?” Gary asked softly, coming to stand at the window and running his fingers tentatively down Mark’s arm. He shivered at the touch, looking down into his hot chocolate with a sad smile.
“About as well as you’d expect someone to hold up after they’d just been told by the evening news that their best friend was presumed dead,” he said quietly. Gary sighed.
“You told Howard you didn’t think it was true.”
“I don’t,” Mark replied simply. “But that doesn’t make it any less hard to take. It doesn’t make me think about the possibility less. You heard Howard before he went home tonight; even he owned up to having moments today where he thought about it.” Gary nodded, looking away ashamedly.
“I’m still not even sure what I do and don’t believe, to be honest. I know what I said before but…”
“I know,” Mark admitted in a whisper. Gary pressed a grateful kiss to his temple and for a moment they both became still, lost in their thoughts and feelings, trying to untangle it all in their heads but not succeeding.
“I just keep wondering if I’m ever going to hear him moan at me again for trying to pick his clothes for him before a gig. Or fall asleep on his sofa with him and wake up to find he’s pulled the throw over me and gone to bed. I keep going over all our old arguments in my head – the daft ones, you know? Just to try and keep his voice – his laugh – in my mind.” Mark closed his eyes and squeezed them tightly shut, trying to prevent any more tears. “Not knowing where he is or how he’s going on…not being able to ask him how his day is…I keep wondering if I’ll ever be able to do that again. Because when I think about the rest of it – his phone all broken on the floor and all the stuff in his car…I just don’t even know where to begin processing that, coping with it.” Gary rubbed Mark’s back soothingly and Mark leant against him, sniffing dejectedly. For a moment Gary watched the rain in silence, his mind wandering idly as he thought back over his friendship with Jason.
“When I first met Jay, he was still dancing professionally,” he remarked softly. Mark smiled slightly against him and Gary shrugged. “He was a bit of a celebrity, actually – in the dance world anyway. I didn’t realise first but some of the other guys at the audition told me. I was intrigued by him, to be honest; he wasn’t like anyone I’d ever met before. You know, he was handsome, funny, bit of a showman when he got going – to tell you the truth, Marko, I tried to act flash around him. I was just so desperate to try and show him I could match up to him, in my own way – Jay saw through it, of course. Didn’t hold it against me I don’t think. But when I started to talk to him – properly, I mean – the thing I always noticed was…he would always listen. He was the first person I’d ever met who’d really ever listened to me that way. It was funny, actually, because sometimes I’d stop talking and he’d go quiet for ages, we might not even speak in days. But then he’d phone me up out of the blue and say ‘You know, Gaz, maybe you’re just looking at things the wrong way…’ – he’d pick up right where we left off, having taken time out of his day to think over my problems for me and attack them in a whole new way.” Gary chuckled softly, shaking his head sadly as the smile faded from his lips. “I feel like I’m waiting for that call, you know?” Mark smiled faintly at that and he nodded. Gary swallowed, closing his eyes tightly. “I feel like I’m living my life, pretending to be pushing forward, but really…I’m holding my breath, waiting for the phone to go and him to say ‘You know, Gaz, you were just looking at things the wrong way – because here I am, and everything’s ok.’”
***
The following fortnight felt even less real to Howard than everything that had gone before – something he hadn’t thought could be possible until it happened. He still felt like he was trying to move underwater – his body in slow motion whilst the world beyond buzzed past at high speed, the pace of it hideous and unreachable. When the police divers found nothing, Jason’s family cried whilst Howard simply retreated in on himself. His stubborn belief had been bolstered, but he’d bitten it back, determined to avoid any more arguments with Tony and Justin over what exactly any of it meant. Even Simon and Jenny – his last real allies amongst Jason’s family – had retreated from him now, seeming to see his stubborn defiance as some form of self-preservation, an admission of guilt in having known more about Jason’s problems than he had let on. There were a worrying number of people now who saw him as a factor in events, saw his belief in Jason as a mere coping mechanism for a man who had driven his husband away. Mark and Gary knew how wrong that was, but there was very little they could do or say to change it. They stood by him as best they could, but Howard knew their doubts and fears even if they didn’t put voice to them in front of him – after all, they were only the same doubts and fears he felt sometimes, when he let himself stand too still or when the sound of the rain began to drive him over the edge. But it never lasted more than a heartbeat, always filling him with guilt and regret. No. Jason never broke his promises; and Howard had the closest thing to proof he could.
He glanced down at the note in his hands, looking over the words yet again. The police had – after confirming the handwriting was Jason’s and that no fingerprints but his were on it – passed the paper over to Howard to finally read. Addressed to him and him alone, it had been another cause for friction between himself and Jason’s family. To Justin it had been proof that fighting with Howard had pushed him over the edge, his brother somehow consumed with appeasing the one man whose actions had badly hurt him, making him his only concern as he wrote a goodbye. But to Howard the words were a direct plea; a line of communication used to make one more promise to add to the hundreds that had already passed between them: Howard – I need you to know that every promise I ever made to you I meant then and still do. I love you, but then, you know that. Just remember, even when you know nothing else for sure, you know who I am. If I close my eyes, then maybe I can dream a little deeper, and come and find you there. You are always on my mind, for life, and I will wait for you in my sleep. I’m still here in the dark when you need me, as long as you’re there in return. Everything for everything, remember? Love always, Jay x
Jason was making him another offer; believe in me and not in what you see and I will keep fighting to come back to you. It should’ve been frightening, the conviction with which he felt he knew that when everyone else saw the words as something else. But instead it gave him an odd sort of peace; Jason had written the note for him because he had known – had trusted – no one but Howard to understand him enough to read the words behind his words. They had always been so good at interpreting each other’s whispers, practicing them in the half-light of their bedroom, just raindrops and murmurs between them.
Howard looked over the note once more, not taking in the words this time but simply trying to imagine Jason writing them, imagining his fingers smoothing down the page as he went. It was a connection, of sorts. A reminder that – even if they didn’t see each other, even if neither one knew where the other was – they were both still out there, under the same stars every night, perhaps even both listening to the rain.
Jason was every bit the fighter that Howard was, and neither one of them seemed to know when it was best to stay down – but that sadness still pervaded everything, and for all his stubbornness Howard knew he needed to gather his strength before getting back up and restarting the fight. He traced his fingers over the words, looking back over them more carefully, repeating them in his head. And that was when he felt it; the barest whisper of a rhythm. Quickly he gathered up his keys and slid the note into his bag; if he was quick he could make it to the shop before closing time and catch Mark and Gary before they headed home for the day.
***
Howard was careful as he pushed open the shop door. From the shop’s back room, the sound of piano chords seeped out into the musty air and Howard stilled a moment, something deep within him melting into the haunting sound. The rhythm was slow and even, the notes staggered and steady in their climb and Gary – eyes closed – seemed to lean into the music as though he felt some sort of affinity with the watercolour sounds coming out of the baby grand. Melancholy and nostalgic, Howard smiled a sad, tight smile and moved towards the sound, leaning against the doorframe as he watched Gary come to the tune’s slow conclusion, his fingers gentle and tender on the keys. The air in the shop was still and heavy, those final chords reverberating around the piano room. For a moment Gary sat very still, looking down at the keys with a lost expression Howard suspected was mirrored on his own face.
“I know that feeling,” he murmured at last, his voice making Gary jump slightly.
“Didn’t think I’d be seeing you today,” he said, looking up at Howard with a sad smile that Howard returned.
“I needed to get out of the apartment,” he shrugged before nodding his head towards the piano. “What were you playing? Something new?”
“It came to me a few weeks back…Mark’s been helping with it here and there. I’d actually been stuck on it for a while, if I’m honest. Then today it just came flooding back…something about the sound of the rain I think,” Gary said softly. “Sometimes I think music is the only way I can actually be honest about how I’m feeling. It knows what’s going on in my head better than I do half the time – well, these days it does anyway.”
“Well, however it happened…I think it’s beautiful, Gaz. Honestly.” Howard glanced down at his hands, taking a deep breath. “Actually, I came here coz I wanted to show you something.” He risked a sidelong glance at Gary, who raised his eyebrows in surprise.
“Ok…” he said cautiously and Howard huffed out a breath, stepping down into the room fully and meeting Gary’s eyes.
“But first, I need to ask you something – and I need you to answer me honestly.” He looked intently at Gary, who nodded slightly. That was when Howard finally looked away again, taking a moment to steel himself. “Do you think this is something Jay would be capable of? Do you think there is anything – any reason, even if you think it’s me – why he would put all of us through this? Why he would just walk away?” For a moment Howard held his breath, still staring down at the ground – the silence was unbearable. But then he slowly risked a glance back up at Gary. He saw him frowning down at his hands, saw the way he forced out a long, steady breath and then slowly started to shake his head.
“No.” Gary finally met Howard’s gaze again, swallowing hard and sitting up a little. “No. I really don’t,” he said more forcefully. Howard gave him a small nod of gratitude and Gary nodded back.
“Thank you.”
“It’s just the truth. Now what was it you wanted to show me?” Gary asked, curious. Howard simply reached into his bag, carefully pulling out a piece of paper and stepping closer to Gary, holding it out for him to take. Confused, Gary reached for the paper, taking it in both hands and looking down at it with a frown; a handwritten note on a background of plain white. But then he realised whose handwriting it was and suddenly he stiffened, looking up at Howard in shock. His blue eyes were wide and almost fearful, but Howard met his gaze undaunted, his mouth still a firm, determined line that barely curved down at the corners.
“Is this-”
“Read it, Gaz.”
“Howard, I can’t-”
“Please; I need someone else to see what I see – just read it and tell me what you think. I need to know I’m not going insane.” For a moment Gary looked up at Howard uncertainly – he felt wrong reading a note Jason had intended for Howard, and for all his belief in Jason it still unsettled him to think about the context of the words he was reading. But the look on Howard’s face told him it was important, so slowly he turned his eyes down, scanning across the note once and then focusing more intently on the words.
Howard watched Gary read and reread the words – could see the way his expression changed from wary to sad to suddenly alert. It was reassuring to see Gary start to pick up on the words unspoken the same way he had himself and he smiled sadly. “You see it?” he asked softly and Gary nodded, still reading. “And do you hear what I hear as well?”
“Lyrics,” Gary murmured. “Lyrics for my chords,” he added. He looked up at Howard then, blue eyes bright and alive the way they always were when he sensed a song. “Mark’s shift is over in ten minutes – I’ll go see if he can knock off early and you go stick the kettle on. We’ll show him this over a brew and go from there.” Howard smiled slightly and nodded.
“You think Mark will see it too?”
“I know he will. Now come on, let’s go.”
And so, as every puddle in Manchester overflowed, Barlow’s Music Shop once more began to hum with music for the first time in months, a splash of gold in the centre of the storm. Mark and Howard laughed as they poured over a laptop, typing out phrases and rearranging them as Gary played with threads of harmonies and scolded them playfully when their rhymes grew silly or flippant. And the whole while, there on the baby grand, sat Jason’s note as they slowly began to thread his words throughout their song.
***
For a moment, no one in the room moved, all of them staring at the speakers in rapt silence. Mark was the first to turn away, looking down into his tea with a small, sad frown, his hair falling down into his eyes.
“It’s the first song we’ve finished since all this started,” Gary remarked quietly, his eyes on the CD case in his hands. He picked at a scratch near the corner and let out a heavy sigh. “It felt good, I won’t lie,” he added. Justin smiled tightly – sadly – and put a gentle hand on his shoulder, giving a small nod of encouragement when Gary looked up at him.
“It’s beautiful, Gaz. Jay would’ve loved it – he always said no one could make a piano haunt the way you could. I never knew what he meant until now, I suppose.”
“Past tense?” The small, hard sound of Mark’s voice surprised both Justin and Gary and they turned to look over at him. He was sitting on the sofa with his knees pulled up to his chest, still staring down into his tea with his pale lips curved downwards at the corners. “That didn’t take long,” he added more softly, glancing up at Justin with a look of disappointment in his cloudy blue-grey eyes. Justin looked back over at Gary – who couldn’t meet his gaze – before turning back to Mark with a heavy sigh.
“You sound like Howard,” he said tiredly, shoving his hands in his pockets. Gary still didn’t look at him, but Mark was unapologetic, simply shrugging at the accusation.
“So?” he asked. “Howard knows Jay like no one else. And Jay loves Howard like no one else because of it. He says Jay wouldn’t break a promise and I believe him.”
“Justin, you have to understand…we see the two of them almost every day of every week. We just see a different side to the two of them than you do – we know how strong they are together and we know Jay just isn’t in the sort of state where the bottom of the river seems like a preferable option,” Gary put in, looking at Justin earnestly, a plea in his voice. But Justin simply frowned; the exhaustion was evident in his eyes, which glinted in a shade of blue that was only slightly paler than Jason’s.
“They fight,” he stated in a hard voice, and Mark rolled his eyes, a lopsided smile suddenly gracing his lips.
“They joke,” he countered.
“They talk,” Gary said firmly.
“All I know is that Howard has been distant from all of us this whole time.”
“Justin, his husband is missing,” Gary reminded gently.
“My twin was missing!” Justin shot back sharply. “And when the police said they found a note, I thought maybe there might be some sort of answer, some sort of closure for all of us. But instead the only one to get that last goodbye? Is Howard. And instead of being remotely grateful for that, he throws it back in our faces, claiming it’s not what it looks like and refusing to accept that his relationship wasn’t the way he wants us to think it was.” Justin closed his eyes a moment, taking a deep breath. “When did other people suddenly decide they know my own twin better than me? When did it become ok to completely ignore what Jay would have wanted just because he managed to hide it so well when he wasn’t ok?” he demanded in a low, even tone. He tipped his head back and stared up at the ceiling. “I just want to grieve for him and to not have to ask Howard Donald – or anyone else – for permission.” He looked over at Mark, who smiled sympathetically, lifting one shoulder in a half-shrug.
“I wasn’t saying you needed permission, you know,” he said kindly. “I’m only wondering why you can’t just see all of it as being Howard’s own way of grieving?” he added, eyes shining intently. “Denial, you know? That’s grief too. Maybe that’s Howard’s way of coping.” Justin deflated slightly, looking away from Mark with a sigh.
“Now you sound like mum,” he muttered softly.
“A wise woman, that Jenny. A woman after my own heart,” Gary remarked and Justin managed a smile at that, shooting Gary a wry look.
“And she always speaks fondly of you too, Barlow,” he said.
“Look, all I’m saying is…all of us know Jay, all of us love Jay in our own ways. No one’s trying to tell you not to miss your twin, ok? We’re just saying…maybe there’s another way of going about this. One that doesn’t make Howard feel like you don’t think Jay’s and his relationship is solid and good.” Mark’s voice was soft and sympathetic and Justin couldn’t deny that his argument seemed reasonable. But there was still some angry, desperate part of him that wanted to find someone to blame and saw Howard as the easiest target – he wasn’t sure what that said about him as a person but he also wasn’t sure he cared anymore. “Look, you talk about what Jay would’ve wanted; well, Jay would want Howard to be ok,” Mark told him gently, his voice rough and warm as he looked over at Justin, his expression hopeful.
“Jay wouldn’t have married him if he thought anything that man argues with him about might one day make him unhappy,” Gary added. “I’m not saying either one of them is perfect, but they know how to work things out.”
“Then why is it we’re standing here right now, Gaz? How did things get to this point?” Justin asked, his voice cracked, and Gary put a hand on his arm.
“I don’t know. Because the world is a terrible place?” Gary shrugged. “Look, I read that note, Justin. Howard showed it to the both of us. We saw what he saw.”
“And what was that?” Justin asked.
“Hope,” Mark answered simply.
“Hope?”
“We just played you the song, Justin. Listen to the words we sang along with those piano chords; it’s hope. And promises. All the things that Howard and Jay are, all the things they have and that Howard doesn’t want to lose,” Gary explained. For a moment they lapsed back into silence, Justin still looking away, and Gary glanced across at Mark helplessly, not knowing what there was left to say. “Look, you came to ask us to sing at the service and we agreed to play the new song; we’ll be there, Justin. But you have to let Howard sing with us too. And you have to accept that…there’s no right or wrong in this. We all love Jay. We all would like a chance to pay tribute to him, no matter what the truth of what’s happened may be.”
“Just go easy on Howard when you go over there, ok? He’s a fighter but he’s exhausted too; he could use a break from feeling like Jay’s whole family hates him,” Mark put in and Justin looked over at him thoughtfully.
“I don’t want to argue with him, Markie, I really don’t. But he’s just so-”
“Stubborn?” Mark suggested with a smile. He chuckled slightly when he saw Justin’s surprised expression and shrugged lightly in response. “I know that’s what you were going to say because it’s exactly what you say when you talk about Jay.”
***
“Justin – at what point are you going to realise we aren’t twelve years old anymore?” Jason sighed tiredly. His voice wasn’t angry or harsh, but there was a warning just beneath the surface that Justin winced at. “I can’t just drop everything in my life because you’re bored. We have our own lives, our own homes and our own friends; this is not the same as bunking off school because one of us is home sick and needs company – end of discussion.”
“I’m not asking because I’m bored and you know it,” Justin countered quickly, but Jason looked at him steadily, clearly unimpressed.
“It doesn’t matter why you’re asking, Justin; I’ve said no. You’re my twin brother, not my keeper – and we should both be old enough to be past fighting over who spends time with who and for how long.”
“Yeah, well Howard is your boyfriend not your keeper-”
“No one is my keeper,” Jason interjected pointedly and Justin huffed slightly, rolling his eyes and slumping slightly.
“Look, I’m just saying that this is family we’re talking about. Don’t you think family tops boyfriend? You’ve not even known him that long – but me? I’ve known you my whole life; that has to count for something,” he said, raising his eyebrows hopefully but being met with a piercing look from his brother that didn’t yield. The line of his lips was straight and unimpressed and his blue eyes glinted quietly.
“Ok, I take back what I said before; Justin – at what point are you going to realise we aren’t five years old anymore?! I’m not playing favourites with you or him or anyone else. Howard wants me there, Grace asked me to go, I made a promise to them both so I’m going to go – my decision, my reasons and my life.” Jason looked down into his mug and shrugged slightly. “And just for the record I’ve known him a year now. Him and Grace are family too, ok? And I think you should start getting used to that fact.” He looked back up at Justin carefully, blue eyes brighter now and still determined. “Just a suggestion, but I’d listen to it if I were you.”
“You’re really that serious about this guy?” Justin asked, sceptically. “You. My twin brother who loves nothing more than being alone?”
“Oh, so you noticed I like being left alone, then? You just chose to completely ignore it anyway for most of our lives?”
“Please, you know as well as I do that – as far as our family goes – I’m your only hope of having any privacy. Who kept all your secrets growing up?”
“Simon,” Jason stated, a small trace of amusement dancing briefly on his lips. Justin bit back a grin and inclined his head slightly.
“I kept my fair share,” he muttered defensively, and Jason’s expression softened slightly.
“Maybe so. But you were also the most likely to get me in trouble for something you’d done and you were the reason that at least half of our teachers sent me home with bad reports.”
“You say they mixed us up, but you know we don’t even look that much alike – maybe you just weren’t as bright as you thought you were.”
“Pull the other one,” Jason smirked, narrowing his eyes slightly, and Justin couldn’t help but chuckle, even as he deflated slightly.
“So you’re really not going to come? Not even for dad?”
“Justin,” Jason groaned, but Justin continued to look up at him hopefully and he let out a long, tired sigh. “Howard’s never once let me down, dad has. I owe Howard more, simple as that. Dad knows he owes me on the ‘missed opportunities’ front – he’ll get over it.”
“Now who’s behaving like we’re twelve: you can’t hold all of that over dad forever, you know. He came back eventually, and he’s done what he can to make it up to us all.”
“That’s as may be, but it doesn’t change what happened and it doesn’t change how that affected me, Justin. You just don’t know what it was like for me and Simon.”
“How can it have been that much different for you two than it was for me? We’re not that far apart in age – you’re twenty minutes older than me not twenty years.”
“No, I know. But me and Simon were always the ones mum could trust to sort out the rest of you. Then when dad left, Simon folded. And suddenly I had to be the go-to big brother for everyone. It was exhausting and it left me with no one; so forgive me if I’m enjoying a bit of downtime now that you’re all capable of looking after yourselves once in a while.” Jason looked over at Justin thoughtfully, trying to judge how much more to say. They’d never really sat down and talked about his feelings on their dad leaving all those years ago; everyone had just had to get on with it and find a way to cope, and Jason hadn’t wanted to make them feel guilty for leaning on him, more concerned with keeping their dad’s absence from hurting them as much as it had hurt him. His mum understood the fractures in his ability to trust, the insecurities that never really went away – she was a parent and a good one at that. But he’d never really let his brothers see the fault lines and sometimes it was difficult for them to understand why he was the way he was. Perhaps that was another reason why Justin didn’t understand his relationship with Howard; he didn’t realise the significance of Jason suddenly finding someone he trusted enough to confide in, because – for whatever reason – he didn’t acknowledge that a lack of trust had ever been there before. “Look, Justin; you’re my favourite twin, I would love to be there for you and dad, but I made a promise to Howard and I am going to keep it. There’s nothing you can do about it. So please, just drop it, ok?” He tried to gauge Justin’s reaction in his face, but his twin was avoiding his gaze and their once easy ability to understand each other seemed suddenly strained.
“Why are you digging your heels in? About Howard, I mean.”
“Because I care about him…and, come on, Justin. You said it yourself: you’ve known me your whole life. I’ll fight a battle if I think it’s worth fighting.”
“I know, I know. You fight because you inherited the bulk of this family’s stubborn streak and you fully intend to use it. I just hope Howard Donald knows what he’s getting into with you.”
“Oh trust me: he knows.”
***
Howard braced himself when he heard the knock on the door. Mark had sent him a text half an hour ago, warning him that Justin was in a turbulent mood and heading his direction, and Howard knew he would need to dig deep into his energy reserves if he was going to remain patient and calm. It wasn’t that he didn’t understand why Justin’s emotions were high – loss affected people in different ways and Howard didn’t begrudge him his anger or his confusion. The part he struggled with was that that understanding was not returned; whilst Howard accepted Justin’s coping mechanisms, Justin saw all Howard’s ways of dealing as signs of wrongdoing or guilt. It was exhausting and frustrating being used as someone’s punching bag, and Howard had enough reasons to be exhausted already – his ability to calmly let Justin’s remarks roll off him was frayed at best and he feared any exchange between them right now was doomed to end in a fight. He had his suspicions about what Justin wanted to talk about – had been ducking his calls about the memorial service all week – and he wasn’t sure whether he’d be able to bite his tongue when Justin started raking over the details he simply didn’t want to know. But he wanted to try – for Jason’s sake if nothing else. So he took a deep breath and opened the apartment door.
For a moment Justin simply stood in the open doorway, his eyes not on Howard but instead on the room beyond. There was a haunted look on his face, one that Howard had come to know well over the past months, and he felt a pang of sympathy for Justin. He found memories in every corner of this place, saw the pictures of Jason every day and the places where Jason wasn’t anymore and knew the sound of the silence – it wasn’t that it didn’t bother him, it’s just that his life had sunken into the space. But for Justin he got to walk away from it, and every time he returned he relived the shock. Howard gave him a small, awkward nod of understanding and, to his surprise, the gesture was returned as Justin tentatively stepped inside.
“So,” Justin said in an empty voice. His eyes were on the noticeboard in the kitchen where notes in Jason’s handwriting were still pinned amongst the clutter of a life suspended.
“So,” Howard echoed tensely, shoving his hands in his pockets and looking down at the floor.
“I’m assuming you got all my messages,” Justin remarked hollowly and Howard nodded.
“I got them. I just thought it was best to leave it be. You and me don’t agree on this, why go looking for a fight?” he shrugged, looking back up at Justin slowly, hoping to somehow convey to him that he didn’t intend his statement to sound sullen or abrasive.
“You could’ve picked up the phone and told me that,” Justin sighed.
“I’m just tired of being the enemy, Justin. I wanted a break from being snapped at so I thought I’d give us both some space before I phoned you back. But you’re here now, so just say whatever you want to say, ok?” Howard lifted his hands in an expansive, inviting gesture, though he couldn’t help the hard edge to his voice. Justin caught the steeliness of his eyes and his own expression hardened slightly as he let out a sharp, irritated breath.
“Look, you don’t get the monopoly on not liking this situation, ok? We’re all struggling with this, but it doesn’t give you the right to play the victim and cry insult every time we question you on anything,” he said tightly. Howard’s face twisted into a scowl and he looked away, swallowing down all the retorts that came into his head. Justin still watched him, though; eyes fierce and body tense. “He’s my twin brother, Howard – it doesn’t get any closer than that. He’s been there my whole life and suddenly he’s not: I don’t even know where to begin processing that. So I’m sorry if I don’t sound accommodating enough to your cryptic comments and your denial and your ridiculous theories, but something important has been ripped away from me, and I’m just not in the mood for patience and placation right now.”
“And you think I haven’t had something ripped away from me too?!” Howard asked in a barked, humourless laugh. “I might not have known him my whole life but Jay is my best friend, my closest ally – not to mention the love of my life – and all of this is every bit as painful for me as it is for you. The only difference is I’m not trying to blame you for anything, I’m not trying to make you feel like some sort of traitor for not behaving however I might expect you to behave. I’m not trying to turn this into a competition over who knows Jay the best or loves him the most; I’m just trying to stay hopeful, stay breathing somehow even though I’m without him. I’m just trying to stay strong for him the way I know he would for me – it’s the only thing I know how to do and you can’t make me feel bad for that, so don’t bother trying.”
“Fine. Have it your way, dig your heels in – I’m just trying to make this easier for everybody. I’m just trying to be there for Jay the way he was always there for me growing up.” Justin swallowed hard and closed his eyes for a moment, trying to steady his breathing and bring the conversation back from the cliff-edge it seemed to have wandered far too close to. “You think you know him so well, Howard. But you didn’t grow up with him, you didn’t see-”
“Didn’t see what? Didn’t see the time he got detention because he let the teacher believe he was the one fighting in the corridor at lunch time so that you wouldn’t get suspended? Didn’t see him that first night after your dad left when he stayed awake all night, trying to cheer you up ‘til you fell asleep? What about when he skipped out on his dance crew before a big competition so he could come pick you up when your car broke down in a shitty part of town? Or when him and Simon came and found you and helped patch you up at three in the morning and then covered for you so that your mum didn’t find out you’d snuck out with your mates and got drunk, despite being grounded and also wildly underage?” Justin stared dumbly back at Howard for a moment, and Howard shook his head slightly, hardly believing that Justin didn’t think Jason would have shared secrets with him. “Jay and me fight, sometimes. But Jay and you fight too and you know it – it doesn’t change anything; you still love each other, don’t you? Nobody’s perfect – least of all Jay and me. But it doesn’t mean he doesn’t trust me with all his stories. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t make promises to me and keep them. And it definitely doesn’t mean either me or you has the right to start saying ‘I know him better’ because it’s not the fucking point, you know? It’s not a fight for his time or his attention and it’s not a competition for who misses him the most. Jay’s Jay – he doesn’t prioritize who he cares about, he just does what he needs to do for them. So why can’t you do that for him too? Because let’s face it: Jay’s missing, and we all hate it – nobody wins, Justin. So just stop fighting me and find some other way to be strong, because I’m done wasting my energy on squabbling.”
The two men fell into an uneasy silence, Howard watching Justin carefully and Justin staring back, feeling angry but no longer convinced he had the right to be. He swallowed hard, blinking rapidly to stop the tears which had begun to sting his eyes. “Is the memorial going ahead next week?” Howard asked quietly. Justin simply nodded. “And the time and day are the same as you told me in your last message?” Justin nodded again. “Ok. Well I’ll be there. But I won’t join the family when you throw the flowers into the river – my feelings about that haven’t changed. And Grace still won’t be coming; she knows the police think Jason was hurt but she doesn’t know everything and I want to keep it that way – she’s too young to have to cope with any of this.” Howard’s face scrunched up briefly at that and he looked down. “Now, is there anything else you want to say or are we done here?” he asked. For a moment Justin said nothing, but Howard could hear him drawing in a deep, calming breath.
“The song, the one Gary said you all wrote for Jay.” Justin’s voice was quiet and nervous and Howard finally looked back up at him.
“What about it?”
“I’d like for you to sing it at the service – will you?” Justin asked, his voice clipped but something suddenly softer about the look in his eyes. Howard chewed on the inside of his cheek, closing his eyes for a moment before looking back at Justin and giving him a curt nod.
“Ok. But no speeches. And no goodbyes – not from me, anyway. The rest of you can believe what you like, say what you like…but I’m there to sing with the band and show anyone who wants to know just how much I care about Jason. I’m not there for a goodbye and you won’t force one out of me. I’m not capable of not hoping, Justin. I’m not capable of not waiting for him or of turning my back on all those promises just yet.”
***
Mark and Gary huddled close together on the building’s steps, squinting against the bitter breeze that blew down the street. The fine drizzle was getting stronger and everything seemed somehow colourless beneath the clouds, the bold blue sky print of Mark’s umbrella the only bright splash around – the two men hunched themselves beneath it, wincing as another icy gust whipped the rain under the umbrella’s rim.
“Trust you to own the only piece of blue sky in all of Manchester,” Gary remarked wryly, playfully bumping Mark’s shoulder and flashing him a smile. Mark’s eyes twinkled up at him as he bumped Gary’s shoulder back.
“Stop criticising my umbrella, Barlow; I woke up this morning feeling like blue skies were coming back in fashion, that’s all.”
“Tell that to these rainclouds,” Gary muttered, peering up at the ominously dark sky with a wince, and Mark smacked him lightly on the arm.
“All I’m saying is…these past months have been awful. And neither one of us feels ok about coming here today. But even though everything is just raindrops and questions right now, I just feel like…we’re all going to be ok.” Mark shrugged, a small frown suddenly coming over his features. “I wish Jay was here so much though,” he murmured and Gary wrapped an arm around his shoulders, kissing his temple.
“We all do.”
“I know. I’m just taking whatever hope I can get when I find it, I suppose,” Mark sighed, shaking his head slightly as if to clear away his thoughts. “Blue skies, Barlow. They’ve got to be coming soon.”
“I hope you’re right, Marko. For all our sakes,” Gary said, his gaze returning to the empty street.
He peered sceptically out into the rain-streaked distance before glancing down at his watch with a frown. As if sensing his thoughts, Mark elbowed him lightly, eyes determined as he flashed him a half-smile.
“Stop worrying, ok? Howard will be here. He hates today as much as we do, but I know he wants them to hear the song. I think he’s hoping it might help them understand.” His voice was so gentle it could hardly be heard above the sound of the rain pattering against the umbrella, its frequency increasing as the rain grew heavier. “It’s funny, you know – Jay and his brothers are so close, and Howard’s always been treated like part of the family…but as soon as Howard wants them to recognize him and Jay as being part of their own family? They don’t want anything to do with him anymore.”
“Circumstances change, I suppose. And it’s not been easy for anyone these past few weeks – I don’t think any of us have really acted entirely like ourselves,” Gary sighed. “I think part of the problem is that…they don’t see Howard and Jay every day like we do. We’ve watched them bicker, kiss, tease, dance and challenge each other and we’ve watched them sit in total silence and on opposite sides of the room – we get the whole spectrum of boring, normal existence that his family will probably never know. They get weekends or birthdays or the odd night out here or there, they see these snatches of what Jason and Howard have become but they don’t have the context. Makes it harder to understand sometimes.”
“That doesn’t make it ok to treat him like he’s done something wrong, though. And it doesn’t mean they don’t know how much he means to Jay – everyone knows.”
“Maybe. But I’m also not so sure they really don’t know; I think that right now they just don’t care. They’re grieving, Marko,” Gary pointed out gently, and Mark looked away, his lips curving down.
“Then why aren’t we?” he asked softly, nervously.
“We are grieving, in our own way; for life how it used to be, for a friendship that’s missing from our lives. Just because we would rather have a little faith and hold onto hope a little longer it doesn’t make us wrong. And just because they just want it all to be over one way or another doesn’t make them wrong either. Howard knows that too, deep down. It won’t stay this tense forever…and singing at the service today can only help.”
Mark was about to reply when he spotted movement at the end of the street and he elbowed Gary suddenly, nodding his head towards a hunched figure heading their way.
“Told you he’d make it,” Mark said, his voice brightening, and Gary chuckled softly.
“Howard Donald always keeps his word,” he remarked.
“Unless he oversleeps,” Mark put in with a playful smirk and Gary glanced at him curiously.
“Isn’t that on the Donald family crest?” he joked and Mark grinned back at him.
“You sound like Jay,” he said before looking back over in Howard’s direction. “But I’m pretty sure the full motto is that Howard Donald always keeps his word, unless he oversleeps or forgets to charge his phone.” Gary laughed and Mark winked at him slyly.
“Now who sounds like Jay,” Gary muttered, suppressing his smile but unable to hide the sparkle in his blue eyes as he spoke. Mark was no longer looking at him, however, his attention already turned back towards Howard, his expression softening into something less impish and more sympathetic.
“Morning, Howard,” Mark called as Howard approached them; his head was down and his shoulders tense, but there was a strange sort of peace in his bright blue eyes, which were incongruously bright amidst the drizzle. He lifted his gaze from the pavement just in time for Mark to come running over to him, and Gary rolled his eyes affectionately as he was left standing out in the rain. With a fond sigh he made his way down the steps to join Mark and Howard on the street, ducking under the umbrella as quickly as he could. “You ready to do this mate?” Mark was asking kindly as Gary came up behind him, wrapping an arm around his waist.
“I’m as ready as I’ll ever be,” Howard sighed in reply, giving Gary a small nod in greeting.
“Well in that case, we should get in there – the mics are set up already, all you have to do is stand and sing,” Gary said, offering Howard a small smile that was returned in kind.
The three men slipped silently into the back of the room. Candles had been arranged in an artfully casual way around the room, a modest selection of white flowers interspersed here and there, and an impressive number of friends and family had made it to the simple service. Justin was standing at the head of the room, speaking in a forcedly even voice and telling some sort of story from the Orange boys’ childhood. Howard tried not to listen, focusing instead on the task at hand as Gary led the way towards where a grand piano and two microphones had been set up. But out the corner of his eye he couldn’t help but notice the photograph Justin had chosen for the orders of service; Jason in his dancing days, caught in a dramatic final pose, hair sticking to his forehead and a sly, gorgeous smile on his lips. It was a side of Jason he knew well; the grace and energy, the flare. And suddenly Howard felt a pang of gratitude towards Justin – because for all their differences, for all their disagreements over who knew Jason best, it was clear they both saw him the same way when it came down to it: glorious, vivid and smiling. Howard felt Mark’s concerned eyes on him – he had come to a halt at his side, looking at him curiously – but when Howard met his gaze his eyes were all determination and he gave him a small nod.
“I’m ok,” he whispered and Mark nodded back, giving his arm a squeeze before joining Gary by the piano, sitting beside him on the stool and joining him in pouring over a collection of scribbled notes. Howard slowly came up to join them and Gary glanced up at him.
“You know the revised harmonies?” Gary asked Howard in a soft voice.
“Off by heart. You know the chords?” Howard replied and Gary smiled.
“Off by heart,” he echoed. “Marko – words?” Gary arched an eyebrow at Mark, his lips curving up in mild amusement, and Howard almost chuckled.
“Emergency lyrics written on my left hand – wave if you need help,” Mark replied, getting to his feet and crossing over to his microphone. Gary and Howard shared an amused grin before Howard made his way to his own microphone, fiddling slightly with the height as he took a moment to steady his nerves. “You still ok to do this?” Mark whispered. Howard looked down at the ground but still nodded. “Ok. Well then Justin’s going to nod to Gary when it’s time – just follow Gaz’s lead from then on and we’ll be fine.”
All three of them found they were holding their breath, their muscles tensed – though whether it was fear or sadness they couldn’t say for sure. There was something both magical and terrifying about letting the world listen to a piece of your heart, Gary supposed, and goodness knew they’d broken off pieces of their hearts to make this song. He cast a glance across at Howard, whose grip on his microphone was tight, his eyes studiously downturned and a slight furrow to his brow; he was determined to get through this song and Gary suspected he’d probably do so without much trouble, it was what happened afterwards when all that energy and determination had no real direction to be focused in that really had Gary nervous. He looked away and took a deep breath, watching as Justin ended his speech and glanced his way. The nod finally came and Gary swallowed hard. Over the top of the piano, Mark caught his eye, giving him a small smile of encouragement. And so Gary began to play.
“There's a place we used to be,
There's a face that I used to see,
There's a picture with you by my side,
There's a moment that I want to find…” Gary’s voice seemed to hang in the heavy air of the room, reverberating off Howard’s bones. He closed his eyes and let the sound sink into his tired body, feeling the weight of the past weeks settle over him and for once not fighting to ignore the way every inch of him ached. He felt Mark reach out and squeeze his hand and he slowly reopened his eyes, looking over at Mark with a sad smile. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Jason’s family standing together, tears in their eyes. He was conscious of the lack of tears on his own face, but Jenny Orange offered him a watery smile and he returned it nervously.
From his place at the piano, Gary watched him carefully as he sang, ready to drop the entire song on Howard’s word, but the word didn’t come and he continued to lean his whole body into the gentle sway of the music, letting the piano’s soft, haunting lilt transport him, the emotions of the song beginning to sink deep into his skin. Every key seemed to pull more on the frayed nerve-endings of all of those present for the service and Gary was well aware of how intently their ears were listening to him, could feel the delicate strings that had begun to form, connecting the whole room to the piano and their three voices.
“It hurts but it’s beautiful. I thought beautiful but troubled just seemed the right thing for Jay,” Justin murmured to his parents, both of whom nodded, brushing at their falling tears.
“If you ever turn away,
If you ever change your mind,
If the road ahead becomes too hard to climb,
If there's something in your heart that tells you to stop,
Oh to hold you close tonight,
I'd wait for life,” Gary continued, his eyes still keeping careful watch of Howard. There was something devastating about Howard’s harmonies that sent vibrations through the air, and Gary could see he was giving everything he had to the song. Mark had to stare at the ceiling so as to avoid shedding any tears and his own harmony wavered briefly as he fought to regain his composure – the three of them all knew the significance of the lines yet to come and it was only through sheer force of will that Gary was able to keep his voice steady. He could see Mark digging his fingernails into his palms, could see the bright white of Howard’s knuckles as he held even tighter to his microphone. And then Howard looked over at him, blue eyes fierce and suddenly calm. He gave Gary the slightest of nods and Gary nodded back before turning his eyes back down to his fingers on the piano keys as he sang on.
“There's a voice shouting inside my head,
There's a space on your side of the bed,
There's a hope every time there's a sound,
There's a silence that's playing too loud,
I don't know where you are,
Or how you may be,
But I know I love you still…” Gary continued, aware of everyone’s eyes briefly shifting away from him and onto Howard. Everyone knew who wrote those words – even those who couldn’t guess from the words themselves could have easily read it from the pained look on Howard’s face. Gary and Mark shared a glance; they knew the most emotional part hadn’t even come yet and they weren’t sure how people would react to hearing Jason’s words sung back to them. They had built this song around Jason and Howard’s hearts in an effort to keep them in one piece, the world needed to hear that – but they were still Jason’s words, they were still taken from a note that had brought his family grief and it was hard to say whether or not their music could really give them the same hope that Howard had found in them.
“Come on, Jay – you tell them what you told us,” Mark whispered under his breath. Only Howard heard him and he gave him a small, sad smile that briefly lit up his eyes before the pain clouded them over once again as Gary began to sing the lines that Howard remembered all too well.
“If I close my eyes,
I'll dream a little deeper, baby.
'Cause you are always on my mind,
Yeah you are always on my mind,
For life.”
Gary felt the tension in his body evaporate in a heartbeat and he smiled softly, closing his eyes as he leant into the song for a moment, letting the sadness become something more mellow. When he opened his eyes he looked over at Mark and Howard, who glanced back at him with matching sad smiles, even as Mark brushed self-consciously at a tear which was rolling down his cheek. The whole room seemed to have buckled slightly. Justin swallowed hard, his gaze meeting Howard’s – Howard nodded to him and he nodded back, his eyes tentatively apologetic. Jason’s dad broke down, covering his face as he cried and leaning into Justin’s side. A woman at the back of the room crumpled, crying into the shoulder of her dazed-looking husband. A man close to the piano buried his face in his hands. Jenny smiled even as she cried, looking up at the ceiling and letting out a choked half-laugh half-sob. Simon and Oliver both moved to wrap their arms around her, their gazes trained on the floor. At the piano, Gary closed his eyes once more, his fingers gentle and slow as he moved through the song’s tender, bittersweet final notes.
“I’d wait for life.”
As the sombre applause ebbed away, Gary collected up his notes and stood, Mark coming to join him and taking his hand. When the two of them looked around for Howard, however, he was already gone. A celebrant was standing at the head of the room now, talking in a solemn voice about life and loss, and Mark and Gary exchanged a glance.
“What do we do?” Mark whispered, eyes wide and gloomy as he looked up into Gary’s face. Gary simply sighed, glancing back towards the doors briefly before looking down into Mark’s face once more.
“I don’t think either one of us wants to be here. And I’m not sure Howard deserves to think he’s alone in this,” he replied in a hushed tone. Mark simply nodded.
“Ok. Let’s go.”
Howard hadn’t gotten far. Mark and Gary found him standing alone on the rain-soaked pavement, his eyes watching the patterns the rain made across the puddles. The sky had turned a tumultuous shade of grey, and the rain was heavier than it had been when they’d gone inside, but Howard hardly seemed to notice. His hood was pulled up but it was doing little to protect him from the rainstorm, and Mark shivered just to look at him. Silently Gary took hold of the umbrella, putting it up before nodding his head in Howard’s direction, holding out his hand to Mark who took it gratefully, huddling close as Gary tugged him gently down the steps.
At first Howard didn’t seem to have noticed them coming to stand alongside him in the rain, but then Mark squinted, looking more closely into his face; something flickered briefly in his eyes and Mark knew he had spotted them. His expression was quiet, a furrow in his brow, but those eyes of his were still brilliant and blue as he stared out into the rain. The sadness was still there – it was almost a part of him now – but there was a stillness about him too which worried Mark. Howard Donald was so rarely still. Gary squeezed Mark’s hand, though his eyes didn’t leave Howard, and the two of them closed the final distance left between them, coming to stand in line with Howard at the pavement’s edge.
“I’m not going back in there,” Howard muttered at last, his voice almost lost beneath the sound of the rain. The three men were all facing into the raindrops now and Howard hardly seemed to notice the cold rainwater splashing at his face. Mark suddenly felt the weight of all his sleepless nights pressing down on him and he sniffed slightly, brushing at the tear tracks that were still fresh on his cheeks. At his side Gary squared his shoulders, stoicism coming over him, his blue eyes sharp and calm.
“No,” he said softly. “We’re not either, for what it’s worth.” His tone was stiff, a brief glimmer of pain just visible in his eyes that was suppressed just as quickly as it appeared. Mark brushed at fresh tears determinedly, chewing at the inside of his cheek in a feeble attempt at distracting his mind.
“It’s not right. I mean, it’s all so messed up, but the way they’re treating you – us – just for…” he trailed off, shaking his head slightly. He wasn’t sure why that was what he was focusing on – there was so much about the day that was wrong and to focus on that was odd, he supposed. Maybe a part of Mark had wanted someone to come after them, to come running out into the rain to agree that everything was all wrong about this and that they somehow had the solution to fix everything immediately. It was an irrational hope but Mark couldn’t stifle it, could feel it blossom in his chest, pressing on his ribcage painfully. He winced and looked away.
For a moment no one spoke. And then Howard finally turned his gaze away from the rain, looking over at Mark and Gary intently.
“He didn’t do it.” He looked between the two of them, a flicker of fear showing in those bright eyes of his. “You both know that, don’t you?” Howard watched them carefully as he spoke and Mark kept his gaze turned the other way, trying to order his thoughts. Beside him Gary let out a long breath. How many times did they have to face that question before the answer finally seemed simple to them?
“I think I know that, Howard. But I just…” Gary shook his head, swallowing down a lump in his throat. “I know Jay always keeps his promises. I know that something isn’t right. And I think I know that – whatever piece of the puzzle it is we’re missing – this is not what he chose. For you or for anyone else.”
“It doesn’t make sense. Not after the way he was that night,” Mark whispered, the image still clear in his mind of Jason laughing tenderly as he listened to Howard on the other end of the phone. “It doesn’t make sense any way you look at it. Jay’s more stubborn than that, you know?” Howard smiled at that. A wonky smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, but a genuine smile all the same.
The quiet made Mark uneasy and he let out a sigh. “Come on, let’s…let’s go back to the flat,” he suggested tightly. He looked up at Gary before glancing back over to Howard, who stared out blankly into the rain once more. Gary watched Howard for a moment too before drawing in a deep breath, steeling himself to play the leader despite the fact he really didn’t feel like it. Mark gave his hand a small, supportive squeeze.
“Sure. Sounds like a plan,” Gary said at last. He let go of Mark’s hand then, wrapping his arm around his shoulders instead and squeezing him reassuringly. As Gary scanned the street, Mark continued to look over at Howard, who still seemed to be engrossed by the patterns being made by the rain.
“Howard?” he pressed tentatively. Howard looked down at the ground, his frown briefly deepening.
“Sorry, lads…not today. I’ll you see you some other time, ok? But right now I just…I need to be at the apartment. I need to be somewhere he can find me if he wants to. If he needs to,” he told them with a sigh. “But you two go. I’ll be fine on my own.” Mark and Gary watched him uncertainly for a moment before exchanging a worried glance. Mark shrugged awkwardly, unsure what more they could say or do; Jason was the only one who could read Howard well enough to know how to pull him back from his darker moods, the only one who’d ever been able to snatch him out of a daydream or pull a smile out of one of his frowns. Gary looked back at Howard and smiled tightly.
“You can call any time,” he offered gently. Howard nodded, gratitude in his eyes even though his mouth still remained an unreadable line, and Mark and Gary nodded back by way of a goodbye before slowly breaking away from him and heading out into the rain.
Alone on the pavement again, Howard stayed still for a moment, listening to the rhythm of the raindrops on the tarmac. Behind him two latecomers were making their way up the steps, Jason’s name being uttered solemnly as they hurried in through the doors. Howard frowned and kept his gaze trained on the rain. Justin had asked again for him to speak that morning and he’d told him he’d think about it, but the truth was he’d never had any intention of staying beyond the song. This wasn’t about Jason, this was about the people who were left behind trying to make sense of all the questions. Howard had the only answers there were to be had though, that much he was sure of; Jason was out there somewhere, beneath the same rainclouds, making the same wishes and promises as Howard. A rumble of thunder cut through the air and Howard’s eyes turned skywards. He could feel the coldness of the raindrops on his skin, could feel it to his bones, but he closed his eyes against the sensation, refusing to flinch. There was a strange satisfaction in that stinging feeling; something tangible and human. Somehow it felt like a connection, like something he could imagine Jason feeling, the raindrops connecting them through a snatched, shared moment of human experience, out in the wet and the cold.
But some small voice nagged in the back of his head, telling him they were just raindrops and that the sky – though it was that same sky overhead – could still keep him and Jason miles apart, could put just as much distance between them as it closed. And there was always a chance he would never see Jason again, whether he looked up at the sky or not.
“Where’d you go, Jay?” Howard asked softly, staring up at the clouds as though he hoped to see a flare hanging above him, guiding him through the rain to wherever Jason might be. But the raindrops chose not to pass on whatever messages they might have and so Howard sighed. If Jason would find him anywhere, he’d find him at home; if the raindrops wouldn’t talk to him then he’d just have to wait to be found.
***
Howard woke to the sound of his phone vibrating against the bedside table, the harsh rattle just that bit too close to his ear to be ignored. He rolled over, reaching out blindly for the phone with a low, sleepy groan that was half-muffled by his pillow and, opening one eye, he lifted himself just enough to grab the phone up, wincing slightly against the bright backlight. And then a drowsy smile spread across his face as he picked out the name that was lit up on the screen. Flopping back against the pillows, he quickly brought the phone up to his ear, rolling onto his stomach.
“Hey, you,” he answered quickly, his voice sleep-rough and warm.
“Hey, you,” came the gentle reply, and Howard could hear the smile in it. “Sorry for calling. I know it’s late.”
“Jay, if I minded you calling me I wouldn’t have picked up the phone,” Howard replied gently. There was a pause at the other end then; neither awkward nor ashamed, simply one of those little silences Howard had come to know so well, where everything was somehow suddenly ok, because they were together again, in their own way. Howard let his heavy eyelids close for a moment, sinking back into the pillow contentedly. Outside the rattle and clank of overnight trains briefly pierced the night, along with the raps and whips of the flags against the poles outside the hotel’s front entrance. But Howard focused on the even sound of Jason’s breathing, a smile curving across his lips as he imagined Jason lying in their bed back home, listening back. The room was bathed in a tranquil fuzz of orange and white as the moonlight mixed with the streetlamps below, the foreign outlines of the clean, empty hotel room a sharp contrast with the familiar sense of Jason’s presence – he was at home and far away all at once and it was a strangely comforting sensation. Surrounded by foreign signs and accents, there was always the sense of being an outsider – it never really bothered Howard during the daytime, but it waited to creep up on him in the shadows after midnight. It was always the way with homesickness, though; it snuck up on him in the night and reminded him just how much he missed his country, his boyfriend and his bed.
“What’s wrong, Jay?” Howard asked softly at last. He heard the rustle of sheets on the other end of the line and the warm, rough sound of Jason’s laugh, brief but genuine.
“Nothing. You should go back to sleep, How,” he replied.
“You called for nothing?” Howard countered, smiling knowingly, and Jason let out another soft laugh. “Talk to me,” Howard offered, gentle and fond. “What was it? Something on your mind, bad dreams, or just couldn’t sleep?”
“You know me too well.”
“I know you just right,” Howard murmured. He could almost hear Jason’s smile down the line. Another pause, another silence he could read, even across the miles between them.
“Is it ok if we don’t talk about it?” Jason asked after a beat. “I just want to hear your voice for a while. Talk about nothing, just you and me.” Howard’s lips curved into a quiet smile at that, and he shifted his weight so that the phone was trapped between his head and the pillow before settling back against the stiff hotel mattress with a sigh.
“Talking about nothing with you?” he whispered. “Sounds like an offer I can’t refuse.”
“Thank you,” Jason murmured in reply, his voice so low and quiet, an immense and genuine gratitude just beneath the words. Howard felt the weight of those words and a small smile touched his lips; it was the intimacy of Jason’s tone, the way a hundred other thank yous lay just beneath the one that had been uttered, like a confession for only Howard to hear.
“Any time, love,” Howard said, honest and earnest, and somehow he knew Jason was smiling. “But if you want nothing, Jason Orange; then I have nothing for you,” he added, his tone lighter, and Jason laughed softly. “For instance: I met a man today who swears blind he can hit a bull’s-eye even after fifteen pints.”
“I thought you’re supposed to be over there for work,” Jason shot back, amused, and Howard couldn’t help but grin.
“These are my people, Jay,” he explained, his grin widening when Jason laughed again.
“And let me guess, he proved it to you?”
“What can I say; we had to find out. Long story short I lost a bet and had to DJ in drag tonight. I hope it’s ok with you that I’m going to elope with a bi-sexual German drunk darts player called Max,” Howard told Jason, his tone matter-of-fact but his smile mischievous.
“Oh really, you’re eloping? Is that wise, Howard Donald? Does this man know you aren’t even half as good looking when you’re not in full make-up?” Howard heard the barely-smothered amusement behind Jason’s words and he bit back a laugh of his own.
“Are you saying you don’t think I’m pretty, Jason Orange?” This time Jason laughed outright – bright and clear – and Howard closed his eyes, warmed by the sound and unashamedly proud to have coaxed that lightness out.
“I’m just saying, if you’re going to elope, then I hope he loves you for your mind,” Jason told him. “Or at the very least your body,” he added playfully, and Howard chuckled.
“Oh really?”
“It’s a very nice body, it shouldn’t be wasted,” Jason replied, his tone somehow solemn and amused all at once, and Howard let out a low, lazy laugh that was half-muffled by his pillow.
“I knew there had to be a reason you put up with me.”
“There’s a lot of reasons I put up with you,” Jason countered quickly, his voice suddenly gentle, and Howard’s smile softened slightly.
“I’ll bear that in mind,” he murmured back. Then the corner of his lips twitched up again. “I think I’m gonna have to break Max’s heart for you,” he added, making Jason chuckle.
“He’ll get over it. But still, I’m touched.” Jason’s voice was full of tender amusement, the last of his guards officially down, and Howard let the quiet fall around them once more, listening again to the sound of Jason’s breathing.
“You sure you don’t want to talk about whatever it is?” he asked after a minute. Jason let out a heavy sigh and Howard heard the rustle of sheets once again as the pause dragged on.
“Are your curtains open where you are?” The question was sudden and it took Howard by surprise, his brow furrowing slightly.
“Sure. Why?”
“Can you see the stars?” Jason asked him quietly. Howard pushed himself up in the bed and leant forwards just enough to peer up at the sky.
“Faintly. Why?”
“You know what the brightest star in the sky is?”
“The North Star?” Howard guessed, slowly climbing out of bed and moving over to the window to see the sky more clearly.
“Actually it’s not; it’s Sirius. You can find it by finding Orion’s belt – it points down towards it,” Jason said, his voice very soft now and his tone somehow distant and fragile. Sometimes it occurred to Howard that he could pull Jason open without even trying; when they talked like this the secrets and sins just fell out of them as easily as breathing, the closeness so easy that at times it was possible to forget just how few people ever heard Jason’s voice turn this quiet, ever saw the lines where the fractures lay or knew what it was like to see his fragility and tenderness bare and exposed. “Sometimes when I was growing up I’d look up at the sky at night and I couldn’t get over how crazy it was that people were all out there living their lives under the same stars I could see, you know? I used to think about dad sometimes. Or friends who moved away who I never saw again.” Howard smiled slightly, looking up at the stars and trying to trace the faint patterns, dimmed as they were by the glow of the city.
“I can see Sirius from my window,” he said quietly at last.
“So can I,” Jason replied. For a moment silence fell between them as they both stared up at the star. There was a slight catch in Jason’s breathing and Howard wondered how it could be that he felt so close and so far away at the same time, how it was possible to feel within touching distance of someone all those miles away. “Is it ok if this is one secret I don’t explain?” Jason asked at last. “Can it just be enough to know that I couldn’t sleep and there’s a thousand thoughts going round my head and…I just wanted to hear your voice?” Howard smiled sadly at that, shaking his head slightly.
“How is it that someone as beautiful as you can be so lonely?” he asked gently. He heard the sound of Jason rolling over, could just imagine the tired smile on his lips.
“I’m not lonely anymore. Still sleepless, maybe. Troubled, definitely. But I’m not lonely anymore, Howard. Not since you.”
***
Howard barely remembered the journey home, never mind crashing out on the sofa. He’d not had a good night’s sleep in so long that he supposed it wasn’t surprising – what was surprising was that he’d woken up so abruptly. It was still raining outside but the apartment remained still and quiet, no sign of whatever had stirred him. Blearily he lifted his head from the sofa cushions and pushed himself up to sit, rubbing at the crick in his neck and wincing slightly at the stiffness in his muscles; he must’ve been deeply asleep to have not noticed how uncomfortable he’d been. With a sigh he got to his feet, slightly frustrated at being awake for no apparent reason but supposing sleep would no doubt elude him if he tried to lie back down. And then he heard a noise; a soft rap on the door. He turned towards the noise, staring at the door curiously – if the knocking was what had woken him, then how long had whoever it was been standing out there? Mark and Gary would’ve used Gary’s spare key by now, but he couldn’t think of anyone else who would simply show up at the door without calling first. He glanced at the clock – too early for any of Jason’s brothers to be showing up, a thought that filled him with relief. Howard took a deep breath and squared his shoulders, preparing to dig deep and find his best brave face; with any luck he could get rid of whoever it was quickly and try and go back to sleep.
But all thoughts of sleep fell away instantly when he saw who was standing on the other side of the apartment’s front door.
His clothes were rain-soaked, his hair damp, and raindrops were spattered across his unusually pale skin. He was thinner than he remembered. Yet those eyes – God, those eyes – were impossibly bright, shining that familiarly piercing cobalt blue. Howard felt a small, choked sound escape him as he took him in; his arms criss-crossed protectively around himself, his expression that curious mixture of hope and worry that was uniquely him. Jason.
For a moment the two of them just stared at each other, dazed and holding their breath. Howard felt his grip on the door tighten as his world seemed to shift in and out of focus; the only thing he could still make out was Jason’s face, the honest, gorgeous lines of it just as he remembered, just as he’d imagined them being when he’d longed for this moment in his dreams.
“Are you real?” Howard asked at last in a small, tense voice. He was rewarded with a tiny, lopsided smile and a choked half-laugh.
“I bloody hope so,” Jason replied. Howard laughed too at that – the sound strange and scratchy in his throat. He could see the mixture of strength and fragility in Jason’s face – recognized it from his own face in the mirror every morning for the past few months – and he felt his whole chest tighten briefly, pride and love mixing together with all the longing and hope that had crashed down on him the moment he’d opened the door. Without waiting to let any of the questions that filled his head spill out of his lips, Howard took a step closer to Jason and tenderly cupped his face in his hands, looking down into his eyes intently.
“I bloody hope so too,” he whispered huskily before dipping his head and pulling Jason into a kiss. As he let his eyes close, he felt Jason’s arms looping around his neck and he smiled at the familiarity of it, at the feel of Jason’s body pressed once more against his own. He wrapped his arms around him tightly, so tightly he could feel his heart beating, and when the kiss finally ended he held them there, keeping Jason pulled firmly against him and drawing in a deep, steadying breath.
Carefully – and only when he was sure he was ready to move – he pulled back just enough to look down into Jason’s face; his eyes fluttered open just in time to meet his gaze and he stared up at him silently as a single tear began to slide down his cheek. Tenderly Howard reached up, brushing it away with the pad of his thumb, and Jason’s eyes closed tightly once more as he let Howard hold him close.
“Jay,” Howard breathed – I’ll let you call me Jay – and he rested his chin on top of his head, rubbing his back soothingly. The warmth of his body, the sound of his heartbeat – he still knew the sensation so well, his body seeming to recognize Jason’s immediately. They’d always had that strange familiarity, that instinct for each other that they couldn’t quite explain. Howard swallowed and pressed a lingering kiss to the top of Jason’s head. “You’re ok,” he murmured into his hair. A statement, a question, a reply; for himself, for Jason – he wasn’t sure. “You’re ok. You’re here,” he said quietly.
“And so are you,” Jason mumbled against him, his voice soft and shaky, and Howard squeezed him tight, a watery smile touching his lips.
“Where else would I be, you daft sod,” he said in an almost-laugh, and he couldn’t help but grin when he felt Jason’s laugh vibrate against his ribs, slight but still warm, still real. “If I’m about to discover I’m still asleep on the sofa and Mark’s let Cadbury fall asleep on top of me – again – I’m going to be so pissed off when I wake up,” Howard managed in a weak voice, delight flaring up in him when Jason laughed once more, this time a little stronger.
“Not as pissed off as I’ll be if you’re leaving me for a chocolate Labrador,” Jason said, shifting just slightly to look back up into Howard’s face. “Howard-”
“No, Jay – it’s…it’s ok, you don’t have to-”
“I do eventually,” Jason whispered. For a moment he looked up at Howard sadly. “I love you,” he added quietly and Howard smiled, cupping his cheek and pressing a lingering kiss to his forehead.
“I love you too, Jay. So much.”
Howard had dreamed that he would just wake up one day and find Jason there, had imagined a thousand different ways that Jason would fall into his arms, explain everything and suddenly make his world ok again. But he had never imagined this. Hadn’t imagined it happening now or like this, hadn’t imagined it’d be so easy, so simple to him. He found he hardly cared what the explanation was, hardly cared about anything other than the fact that his could feel Jason’s skin, hear his heartbeat. See those eyes looking up at him in that quiet, intense way of his. He could whisper promises against his lips.
He brushed his thumb gently across Jason’s cheek once more and then slowly – reluctantly – took a step back, silently holding out his hand. Jason’s gaze stayed on him but he took the offered hand immediately, letting Howard interlock their fingers. Wordlessly Howard led him over to the apartment’s vast windows, briefly bringing their joined hands to his lips to kiss Jason’s knuckles tenderly before pulling him carefully down to sit with him on the floor. Jason seemed to know every movement before it was made and he followed silently, letting Howard lead him. He wrapped his arms around Howard’s waist as they made themselves comfortable on the floor, and Howard pulled him close, letting him rest his head against him and close his eyes. For a while they sat there, listening only to the raindrops and the sounds of each other breathing. Howard couldn’t get over how different the silence was now, how suddenly it didn’t roar in his ears or play tricks on him. Because Jason was there, the slow rise and fall of his chest a welcome pressure against his side.
After a while Jason lifted his head and looked back up at Howard quietly, carefully disentangling himself from his embrace; it was his turn to silently hold out his hand and Howard took it, squeezing it tightly. He pretended not to notice how the movement tugged Jason’s sleeve up just enough to expose a blooming bruise across his wrist – later he would ask, but for now it was just enough to feel Jason’s touch again. He leant across to press another kiss to his forehead and Jason smiled slightly, glancing down.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered at last, and Howard gave his hand another squeeze.
“Don’t be. Please don’t be,” Howard told him honestly. “Because that would kill me – I don’t want to see you sorry after all this. I just want to see you ok.” Jason’s lips twitched up and he looked up at Howard from the corner of his eye.
“I can be sorry and ok at the same time, How,” he remarked, his expression almost mischievous, and Howard chuckled softly.
“I’ve always said you’re a man of many talents, Jay,” he replied. Jason laughed and leant against Howard once more, resting his head on his shoulder. For a moment they stayed that way, staring out at the rain. “God I fucking missed you,” Howard breathed into the stillness, and Jason let him hold him close, closing his eyes and squeezing them shut.
“You weren’t alone, How. Neither of us were. It just felt like it for a while,” he whispered and Howard smiled slightly.
“You missed me too?” he said, offering it as a translation more than a question.
“Don’t ask the questions you know the answers to,” Jason told him simply, looking up at him with a slight shrug. “You can ask me anything, Howard. I don’t have any secrets from you anymore.”
“Everything for everything,” Howard murmured and Jason smiled.
“Everything for everything,” he echoed gently. “Even the hard stuff,” he added, looking down.
Howard pressed a kiss to his temple and pulled him closer, taking a second to try and order his thoughts before he asked Jason any of the questions which were burning on his lips.
“How many bruises am I going to have to count?” he asked slowly. Jason’s smile turned wry and he shook his head slightly.
“All the questions, all this time…and that’s the thing you want to know?”
“Humour me.”
“I always do,” Jason told him and Howard smiled softly. “The bruises aren’t bad ones – they look worse than they are.”
“Jay-”
“Don’t, How. You’ll drive yourself crazy. There’s more than you’ll like, ok? But I promise you; I’m fine. I’m ok – I’m ok now, anyway.”
“One is more than I like, Jay.”
“Howard,” Jason said, his tone gentle but firm. “I didn’t walk this far in the rain to drive you insane,” he added and Howard felt a faint frown cross his features.
“You’re so fucking stubborn, you know that?” he said quietly, the corner of his lips curved up despite himself, and Jason smiled back.
“So what does that make you, love?” Howard let out a soft laugh and shook his head, looking back out at the rain. “I love you,” Jason reminded him quietly and he was powerless to the smile that found its way onto his lips at the sound of those words, spoken like a secret and a promise, so soft and so honest.
“But I knew that,” he replied. When he looked back down at Jason he saw he was smiling a knowing yet somehow sad smile, looking up at him thoughtfully. Howard gave him a half-shrug and kissed his forehead tenderly. “I never doubted you,” he told him evenly, hoping to convey how much he meant those words. “I had moments where I doubted myself, but you…I believed in you even when I questioned everything else. That note saved me from losing my mind.”
He could see tears in Jason’s eyes again and he pulled him close, letting him sink against him tiredly. He could feel Jason’s exhaustion now, could feel the weight of it to his bones – funny how his own exhaustion had disappeared almost completely now he had Jason in his arms, though.
“Go on, How; you can ask,” Jason told him quietly, his voice so soft Howard half-wondered if the words had really been said aloud or if he’d somehow just read Jason’s mind. Jason’s eyes were closed but Howard recognized the determined line of his lips. He drew in a deep, steadying breath and turned his focus to the patterns of the rainwater on the glass in front of him, focusing on the way the light danced off the raindrops each time they collided with each other.
“Jay, what the hell happened that night? How did it get us to any of this?”
***
His car keys jangled as he twirled them on his finger, the sound echoing around the entryway as he crossed into it through the glass front doors. It was a cool, crisp night and the entryway was draughty, making him shiver slightly as he crossed the space. He was more than ready for his bed, exhausted but content in the knowledge that the next day Howard would be home. A smile touched his lips at that thought and he stilled – just briefly – letting out a low chuckle to himself and rolling his eyes.
“Pull yourself together, Jay,” he muttered to himself wryly. Howard’s call earlier had somehow put into focus just how much he missed him. There was no pretending with Howard; if he didn’t want to talk he didn’t have to, if he didn’t want to be ok he didn’t need to find a way to be – the total calm of that couldn’t be replicated just by taking some time to be alone, because Howard was the safety net, the reassurance that, if things got too much, there would be someone there who would take control for him who could still be trusted to give that control back when he was ready. Howard wouldn’t ask for anything in return – he knew it was already given. The simplicity of it was beautiful and, even whilst Howard was away, Jason knew he carried the offer with him, could call any time of the day or night and have everything he had given to Howard duly returned.
Sighing slightly to himself, he moved towards the lifts and was about to press the button when a sound from the stairway caught his attention; a frustrated little growled sigh and a sob followed by the shuffling of feet. Jason frowned and followed the noise, cautiously walking towards the stairway and peering around the partition wall to see who was there.
A lone woman was sitting towards the bottom of the stairway, her blonde head bowed and her shoulders hunched; at first Jason didn’t recognize her, but then she lifted her head and stared up at him blearily and suddenly it occurred to him just who she was. “Emily,” he said softly, his voice concerned. The woman stared up at him, a distant look in her wide, round eyes, and so Jason stepped closer, coming to sit next to her on the stairs. “Emily, what are you doing back here, sweet?” he asked carefully, resting a hand on her upper arm and looking intently into her face. She stared at him blankly for a moment before reaching out a hand to touch his cheek.
“But it can’t be,” she whispered, her expression awed, and Jason frowned in confusion.
“It can’t be what?” he asked gently, but Emily simply stared.
He was reluctant to press her to talk to him; he couldn’t imagine what the poor woman had been through in the past weeks. She and her husband had lived in the apartment two floors below his and Howard’s – Jason had never known them well but they had always smiled to him and said hello when their paths had crossed, had even signed for parcels for him a couple of times before. But Emily had moved out recently – her husband was a police officer and he had been killed on duty not long ago. Emily had left just a few days after it had happened, initially being protectively absorbed back into her family, though Jason had heard from neighbours that she had retreated away from them since, disappearing into her own personal cocoon of grief and not letting anyone close enough to try to help. He didn’t imagine her being back at the apartment building, crying alone on the stairway was a good sign and he felt an overwhelming pang of sympathy for her. “Emily, is there somewhere I can take you? Someone you want to be with right now who can look after you?”
“But why would I need looking after?” Emily breathed, a peculiarly distant, watery smile forming on her lips as she looked up at him in wonder. “You’re here now,” she said.
Jason looked at her curiously, trying to judge what to do for the best, but before he could say a word she reached out and grasped his hand determinedly. “Will you come with me?” He wasn’t sure how best to answer; from the look on her face he suspected nothing good would come of him refusing, but allowing a clearly-traumatized woman to run around Salford Quays didn’t seem like a responsible way of doing things either. Before he was able to make up his mind, Emily scrambled to her feet abruptly, suddenly grasping both of her hands around Jason’s and looking at him imploringly. “It’s so late – we should go home,” she said, a frantic edge to her tone, and she dragged Jason to his feet. He stumbled slightly but managed to steady himself against the wall, only just regaining his balance in time for Emily to tug at his arm again, forcing him to follow her down the remaining stairs.
“Emily, slow down; where are you going?” he asked, concerned for her, but Emily simply looked back at him unseeingly, clutching at him a little more tightly. “Emily, what is this about? What are you doing back here? Isn’t there anyone you can go to?” he pressed and Emily frowned at him slightly, suddenly whipping back around and quickening her pace as she pulled him towards the fire door at the back of the entryway.
“Why would we want to go to anyone else? You’re here now – we’re both here,” she insisted, pushing through the door and dragging Jason out behind her.
As the blast of cold air from outside hit him Jason winced, stubbornly standing his ground and grabbing a hold of the door. The action forced Emily into a sudden stop and she whirled round to face him, confused. “What are you doing?!” she demanded, not letting go of his hand. Jason held a little tighter to the door.
“Emily, come back inside, ok? You can wait in my apartment ‘til someone can come and pick you up,” Jason tried, forcing himself to keep his tone even. She stared at him, an outraged sort of confusion marring her pretty face, and he stared back unwaveringly, his eyes bright and concerned. For a moment she seemed to soften and he sighed. “We can just wait on the steps if you’d rather,” he offered. “Just tell me who I should call and we’ll wait inside.” Emily’s grip on him tightened at that.
“No! Just come home! Why don’t you want to come home?” she demanded, and before Jason could react she had tugged so hard on his arm that he stumbled forwards. His other hand caught painfully on the door’s sharp edge and he recoiled from Emily as he felt the metal dig into the skin of his palm, stinging and bitter. He could feel the blood it had drawn, but as he looked down to inspect the damage, Emily wrenched at his arm once again and – already off balance from shooting pain in his hand – he lost his footing, stumbling to the ground. He put his hand out to break his fall, wincing as he felt the grit of the paving beneath him scratch at his injured palm.
Looking up at Emily in confusion, he reached for his phone, but the moment she saw him bring it out she dropped to her knees beside him and tried to grab it away.
“No! No. I’m sorry. Don’t call anyone, please. We can be ok – you’ll be ok,” she insisted, her eyes plaintive, but Jason simply got to his feet, dusting himself down as best he could. She stared up at him from the ground, her expression desperate.
“I have to call someone, Emily. You can’t stay here,” he stated, his tone kind despite everything. But for all his gentle words, Emily refused to be appeased, climbing suddenly to her feet and snatching at the phone, trying to get it away from him. As they struggled, Jason was taken by surprise by her force and he felt himself stagger back, his head thumping against the still-open door. He heard his phone hitting the ground as he fell but couldn’t see where it landed, his focus distracted by Emily coming to his side and whispering by his ear.
“I’m here, Rich,” she said in a cracked voice. “I’m here.” And that was when she spotted his keys – they had fallen from his pocket in the struggle and she seized on them quickly. His head ached badly but he tried to watch her, tried to stay awake; he squinted up at her as she studied the keys with a curious expression on her face that he didn’t quite understand. The last thing he remembered was her pulling him to his feet, still whispering ‘I’m here’ by his ear as she led him away.
When he came round again she was gone and he was alone in a room lit only by moonlight. The bed took up most of the space, but an old chest of drawers lined one wall and an armchair sat beneath the tiny, old-fashioned window. There were two doors – one was open, a small bathroom just visible beyond, whilst the other was closed firmly. He pushed himself up from where he was lying on the bed, taking a moment to get his bearings. The pain of his injured hand still throbbed and he winced slightly, curling it close to his chest. His head was still thumping but he forced himself to his feet, cautiously stepping over to the door and trying it tentatively. The door didn’t budge and he sighed, crumpling slightly and sliding down it, too exhausted to do anything more.
***
Howard wrapped his arms more tightly around Jason, crushing him against him, and he dropped another kiss to his forehead. Jason looked down, drawing in a shaky breath before explaining more and more about Emily and her temper, the way she twisted everything to try and fit the picture she had constructed in her head. He filled in details of days and snatches of conversations, and all Howard could do was listen and try to keep his breathing even, try not to let the thoughts of Jason alone in that room whilst he was out in the world get to him.
“She thought you were him? She never questioned that?” Howard asked after Jason had come to a pause, and Jason tipped his head to one side, considering the question carefully. Howard reached up to brush Jason’s hair out of his face, their eyes meeting briefly.
“I think some part of her always knew. That’s why she focused more and more on you.”
“On me?” Howard frowned, his fingers tracing along Jason’s jawline. Jason leant into his touch, his eyes briefly closing.
“Yes,” he whispered. “She noticed my ring, she heard you on the news…I’d pissed her off by missing you anyway. So she just put all her energy into stopping you. Some twisted logic about how if you gave up on me I’d give up on you, or something like that. I don’t really know for sure – she never really talked about it properly. She was too determined to explain to me how she was going to fix it all, make you stop looking for me for good.”
“That’s why you wrote the note,” Howard breathed, realisation dawning, and Jason nodded sadly, avoiding his gaze. “Hey, look at me,” Howard murmured, touching a finger to Jason’s chin and forcing him to look up into his eyes. “Don’t be sorry, Jay. Please don’t.” He dipped his head and captured Jason’s lips in a slow kiss, and he felt Jason relax a little against him, felt some of his sadness fall away. As they pulled apart Howard rested their foreheads together, brushing the pad of his thumb across Jason’s cheek. “I understood, Jay. You gave me hope despite everything and I don’t want you to be sorry for that.”
“And what about everyone else?”
“They’ll understand. And hopefully let me get in an ‘I told you so’ or two,” Howard replied, a mischievous flash darting across his eyes that Jason noticed immediately.
“Justin?” he guessed and Howard laughed softly, pressing a brief kiss to Jason’s lips.
“Good guess.”
“But-”
“Don’t ask – you don’t want to know.”
“I’m going to ask, you know,” Jason replied, eyes narrowed. “But you get a reprieve for now because I really don’t want to begin thinking about the mess that’s left behind from all this. Not right now, anyway.”
“You and me both,” Howard murmured and Jason rewarded with a fond smile. “There are so many people we ought to phone, Jay,” Howard sighed, tucking a wild strand of Jason’s hair back into place, and Jason reached up and caught his hand, squeezing it tight.
“Police. Mum. Mark and Gary. Everyone.” Jason arched an eyebrow. “You want to bring all that chaos raining down now?”
“God, no,” Howard groaned. “The last thing I want is more rain.” He looked down into Jason’s face, matching his smile with one of his own. “But we can’t just hide here either…I didn’t fight them all just to keep you a secret,” he added and Jason’s smile widened.
“No. You fought because it’s what you do.” Jason’s voice was so tender, and somewhere beneath the words that were said, Howard was able to hear the hidden declaration of love. “You know; every time Emily thought she’d got you beaten, you went and got back up…it’s why she had to let me go in the end. She realised neither one of us knew when we were beaten and that…that kind of love doesn’t tend to just go away.”
“She just let you go?”
“Yes.” Jason closed his eyes, letting himself lean into Howard’s touch once more. “She told me I was a branded man. And I couldn’t exactly disagree.”
***
“…A jury is today expected to come to a verdict in the trial of Liam Matthews, who stands accused of the shooting of Police Sergeant Richard Chappell, which took place earlier this year…”
Jason and Emily had both stilled at the story on the radio, a tension falling on the room as the radio’s news report continued. Emily watched the radio with a stricken expression, and Jason watched her in turn, his brow furrowed slightly.
“You knew,” he murmured at last, surprise edging his tone, and Emily closed her eyes, turning her face away from him as though she realised it had given her away. “You knew it was today – that’s why you’ve not said anything all morning,” Jason pressed, his voice soft but firm. Emily still refused to look at him. “And if you knew about that, that means you know who I am too. That means you know I shouldn’t be here.” Jason was about to force the issue when suddenly the radio caught both his and Emily’s attention once more, their heads both turning in unison as the newsreader moved on to her final report.
“And finally, a memorial service is taking place today for a Salford man who disappeared from his apartment complex three months ago…” Jason closed his eyes and turned away, bringing his hands up to his face and letting out a heavy sigh. The newsreader repeated the now-familiar details of his disappearance back to him and he swallowed down the lump that formed in his throat as he thought of his friends and family and what they must be going through. “…The service comes just weeks after police announced Mr.Orange’s car had been found near to the river, a discovery which prompted members of Mr.Orange’s family to claim his husband – Howard Donald, also of Salford – had been an unreliable witness regarding events leading up Mr.Orange’s disappearance. Mr.Orange’s family could not be reached for comment, but when contacted, Mr.Donald reiterated that he had the upmost faith in his husband and insisted he would continue to hope for his safe return home in the future. That’s it for the local news, now here is Dawn with the traffic…”
Emily stood abruptly and switched the radio off with more force than strictly necessary. She stared at it for a moment, her breathing heavy, and Jason turned to look at her over his shoulder. There were tears in her eyes, her delicate features scrunched up in combination of misery and anger, her lips forming a pained grimace. And slowly she looked over at him, her eyes scanning his face for a moment before she swiped at her falling tears.
“Your eyes are the wrong colour,” she whispered into the edgy silence. Jason frowned, confused, but she simply shook her head slightly, still wiping helplessly at her eyes though the tears didn’t stop. “Your eyes aren’t the same colour as…as Richard’s. But your face…the sound of your laugh. The way you frown; I remembered that.”
“Emily, I don’t-”
“The last time I ever saw him, he was frowning like you frown – frowning at me the way you frown at me, like you don’t know whether to hate me or pity me. Not that he ever hated me. Despaired of me sometimes, maybe. I was always so worried, it drove him mad. He used to point out to me that I knew how much he loved his job when I married him, that it shouldn’t upset me so much now. That’s what we argued about that morning…and then…”
“Emily-”
“I called him. Right before it happened, I called. He told me he’d be home for dinner and I told him to be safe.” Emily swallowed hard but a hiccupped sob still escaped her and she sat down gingerly on the edge of the bed, looking out into the middle distance unseeingly. “The night I found you, I went to walk by the canal…we always used to walk there. Everything was so familiar I almost forgot. When I got to the apartments it was like…it was like none of it had happened. I half-expected him to come jogging down the stairs, whistling to himself like he used to. Tossing his keys up in the air and catching them…God, I hated it when he did that.” She let out a sad, hollow laugh, sniffling slightly and raising her gaze to meet Jason’s. “And then there you were. Frowning at me. Talking in that soft voice. I wanted to see him come down the stairs so badly that I didn’t think to look at the colour of your eyes. I just saw your frown…heard the jangle of your keys in your pocket and thought…”
“Thought I was him,” Jason finished for her quietly. Emily simply nodded.
“When I told you…when I told you that you never get over that kind of love, I meant it. It does get burned into you…you carry it around with you all the time.” She looked into his eyes nervously, offering him a feeble smile. “You’re a branded man, aren’t you,” she whispered. “You’re a branded man but not…not by me. By him…by your ‘Howard’.”
“I mostly just married him to keep him out of trouble, actually,” Jason murmured, a hint of amusement in his smile even as he looked down. Emily laughed brokenly. “You’re right, though; everything I’ve got to give I gave to him a long time ago,” he added in a whisper.
A silence fell between the two of them – the most peaceful one that had ever existed between them in all the time they had been in that room. Emily wiped away her tears and Jason closed his eyes, listening to the sound of the rain on the window and trying not to let himself hope that this was the breakthrough he had been waiting so long for. Usually her moments of clarity were followed by a sudden swell of her anger or despair and he wasn’t sure he could let himself hope again – it was only the thought of Howard, stubbornly still hoping he’d come home, that convinced him to look back over at where Emily sat.
“You should go to the trial. I know it won’t bring him back but…it might give you some peace of mind to know the guy’s going to jail. Seeing you there might even make him realise just what he’s done.”
“And why’s that?”
“Looking at a branded man made you see what you’d done,” Jason pointed out gently and Emily offered him a faint smile that he returned. “We both know you’re a branded woman – it wouldn’t hurt so much if you weren’t.” Emily nodded, looking down for a moment and taking a deep breath. And when she looked back up at Jason she seemed somehow steadier; there were still tears in her eyes, but for the first time since he’d seen her on the stairs that night she actually seemed to see him, see him properly. She seemed to see the colour of his eyes.
He watched her stand slowly and move over to the door, fishing out her keys from her pocket and methodically going through them ‘til she found the one she was looking for, carefully sliding it into the door’s lock. Once she had unlocked it, she carefully turned the door handle before standing aside, turning to face Jason once more, the door open behind her.
“I can’t put him through what I went through…he deserves what I can’t have.” Jason stared at her, shock and hope fighting for dominance.
“Which is?” he ventured carefully and Emily swallowed hard, glancing away and wrapping her arms protectively around herself.
“Which is for you to show up at his door and tell him it’s all over.”
“Emily, if I go – when I go…the police are going to want to-”
“So tell them. I’ve got nothing left to lose; especially if you go too.”
***
Howard rested his chin on the top of Jason’s head, closing his eyes and taking a moment to remember every detail of feeling him in his arms again. He could feel his heartbeat against his own, could feel the warmth of his skin; it was like a rush of oxygen and his whole body felt like it was humming, like every inch of it recognized Jason’s presence and was coming alive with it. The empty spaces of the apartment were suddenly irrelevant, the silence quieted. He held Jason tightly against him and Jason let him – Howard wasn’t sure there had been a second the two of them hadn’t been touching since Jason had first come back through that door.
Howard drew in a deep breath and kissed the top of Jason’s head before resting his chin there once more, feeling Jason curl even more tightly against him.
“I’m starting to think I loved you before I even knew you, Jay,” he uttered so gently that Jason only realised he was speaking from the vibration of his voice against his body. “Coz trying to exist without you didn’t make much sense to me at all. Nothing was any different to how it used to be before you, it all felt exactly the way it used to, worked the way it used to. But it was like drowning at the same time.” Jason leant back slightly, looking up into Howard’s face; he pushed himself up just enough to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth.
“Just breathe, Howard Donald. It’s over.” The sound of his name on Jason’s lips brought a small, awed smile to Howard’s face. The two of them stared into each other’s eyes for a moment, a million words left unsaid but also left un-needed. “No more being afraid,” Jason told him gently and Howard nodded, brushing his knuckles tenderly down the side of Jason’s face.
“Just grab a hold of your hand and keep walking?” he asked, his smile widening when he saw a flare of recognition in Jason’s eyes.
“Go into the dark saying ‘If we go down, we’re going down together’,” he replied, his own lips curving up at the corner. Howard chuckled softly and nodded, capturing Jason’s lips in a kiss before eventually the two of them settled back into silence, Jason’s head tucked, once more, beneath Howard’s chin.
“I really do love you, Jason Orange.”
“I know. And I really do love you too.”
He wasn’t sure how long they sat that way – probably longer than they should have done, given all the calls that ought to be made. They were two of the only people who knew what had happened, who knew Jason was safe; it was selfish to hold Jason this tightly, he supposed. But he’d never pretended to love any other way, and Jason seemed in no more of a mood to let go. He was a fragile thing, Howard knew, and he wanted to take his time to be weak whilst he still could, before he had to pull it together and be strong and defiant for the sake of his family and friends, for the sake of the police. And so, for a little while, they let it be just the two of them, sitting in the shifting grey light of the apartment, curled together on the floor, listening to each other’s breathing and the sound of the rain. It felt so safe, so removed from all the fear and uncertainty that had marred the past few months. Howard ran his hand along the curve of Jason’s spine and listened to the soft sigh he let out in response. These were the sounds of the apartment’s silence that he had missed so much, the little noises and movements which used to fill up this space, flittering out into the air around them once again.
It must have been half an hour before Jason spoke again, shifting his weight just enough to look back up into Howard’s face. Those piercing eyes of his were sharper now, that familiar fight beginning to return as he met Howard’s gaze. “The sooner we call people the sooner we can go back to being just me and you,” he said quietly, and Howard searched his face for a moment, trying to judge just how ready for the chaos Jason really was. But Jason’s stare was unwavering and he smiled slightly. “As long as you stay with me, I’m ready,” he whispered. Howard gave him a returning smile and kissed his forehead.
“I always stay when you ask, Jay.”
***
The next few hours were unimaginably exhausting; Howard thought he had known what it was to have his patience tested in the time Jason had been missing, but it turned out it was almost just as trying to have to deal with police tramping in and out of their home, dragging with them their endless questions and their uncanny ability to expose Jason’s raw wounds without meaning to, just at the moment when Howard had had to leave his side to answer the door or the phone. It wasn’t until Officer Barnes and Officer Mundy arrived that Howard saw – to his delight – the first flash of the real Jason returning: the two liaisons officers were barely done with their opening spiel before Jason let out a heavy sigh and got to his feet announcing ‘Don’t take it personally, but you can talk to Howard – I’m going to be making tea’ and walking away. Howard had shrugged at the two bemused officers and stated ‘So as you can see; Jay’s home’ and Jason had flashed him a smile and a wink over the tops of the officers’ heads. It was only after ominous remarks were made about more statements and details being needed in the coming days that Jason and Howard were able – between them – to persuade the various police officers who had come to litter their home to go away.
That was when the phone calls began; Jason had let out a low groan, closed his eyes and held out his hand, and Howard had handed him the phone with a look of understanding, sitting down by his side in a show of solidarity as the dialling began. Jason’s siblings and parents all needed to be called, counselled and comforted in turn, with Jason simultaneously happy to hear their voices again but longing for them not to come and add to the chaos of the day with their tears and their questions and their uncertain joy. The shock of trying to process him suddenly being there, talking to them and ok, made every conversation almost as stilted as it was emotional, and Howard could see how draining Jason was finding it. He made sure to stay close to him, to remind him he was there; his fingers brushing at his neck, his lips kissing his temple, his body nearby, and Jason smiled at him gratefully, leaning into his side every now and again, closing his eyes and letting his bones become heavy, letting Howard take his weight. Justin and Jenny took the most persuading to leave the full reunion to the next day; Justin seemed to have gone into total shock, his words all but failing him, whilst Jenny’s reaction was the most similar to Howard’s as she murmured comforting things and sought reassurances in return, warning Jason she was going to hug him and not let go the moment she saw him the next day.
When the last of the calls had finally ended, Jason dropped the phone down onto the arm of the sofa before leaning back and smiling up at Howard tiredly. His eyes were still bright, dancing with light even as the room began to become cast in shadows, the sun having dipped down below the skyline. He held out his hand and Howard took it, smiling back at him thoughtfully.
“You ok?” he asked quietly, rubbing his thumb across the back of Jason’s hand.
“Define ok,” Jason shot back, his lips twisting into a wry smile as he let his head fall back against the sofa cushions. “I’m here with you, aren’t I? That seems pretty ok to me.”
“You’re shattered,” Howard pointed out with a fond laugh, and Jason pulled a face.
“I’m fine, stop worrying,” he said, though his eyelids were heavy and he stared up at Howard in a lazy, distant way. But there was still something knowing in that gaze, and Howard could feel him studying his face. There was never any hiding when Jason looked at him that way, so he let him look – if he was honest, it was nice to be seen and known that way again. “What do you need, Howard Donald?” Jason asked slowly, eyes glittering in the shifting light as he edged a little closer along the sofa. His knee bumped Howard’s and Howard looked down with a shy smile, letting out a small laugh – he’d almost forgotten what it was like to be this way, to be so exposed and yet still so safe, to have Jason tease him and challenge him in equal measure, drawing out all his secrets and sins as if they were gorgeous, magical things. Jason had a specific smile for Howard’s secrets; Howard could hear it in his voice even now.
“I don’t need anything, Jay. You’re home again and that’s more than enough,” he murmured, still avoiding Jason’s gaze, but Jason tipped forward and reached out, cupping Howard’s face with his hand and dipping his head to force him to meet his eyes. His lips were still curved into that familiar smile and Howard could do nothing but smile back. “Why do you always have to know?” he asked, amusement and love mingling in his tone, and Jason arched an eyebrow.
“It’s what I do,” he suggested and Howard chuckled. Jason leant forwards and pressed a kiss against his lips. “Now what do you need, How?” he asked firmly. Howard looked down once more – he knew Jason wouldn’t be deterred but he still felt guilty asking anything of him after everything that had happened. He took a deep breath, biting down on his lip.
“I know you’re exhausted…but there’s just one more call I really need you to make,” he admitted softly at last.
He didn’t look up into Jason’s face immediately, but when he did he was surprised to see him smiling still. The moment his eyes met Jason’s, he knew that Jason knew exactly the call it was he was talking about. Slowly – wordlessly – Jason picked up the phone once more, his eyes not leaving Howard’s as he held the phone out towards him.
“Get dialling, Donald,” he told him, eyes sparkling, and Howard’s lips curved up at the corners, the gratitude overwhelming him as he carefully took the phone from Jason’s hand.
“Thank you,” he whispered, but Jason simply gave his arm a squeeze, resting his head on one side as Howard began to key in the number for Vicky’s house.
As he explained things to Vicky as best he could, Howard felt Jason edge a little closer to him, taking his free hand in his own once more and giving it a squeeze – comfort and encouragement in equal measure, he suspected, and he looked up into Jason’s eyes with a grateful smile just as he heard Grace finally being handed the phone.
“Hey, Gracie; I’ve got someone here who’d like to talk to you,” he murmured and Jason’s smile widened briefly as he let go of Howard’s hand in order to take the phone from him, clamping it between his shoulder and his ear before reaching for Howard’s hand once again. Howard simply smiled at him, full of gratitude and wonder, and Jason’s eyes shone back at him knowingly as he finally spoke.
“Hey, kiddo.” Both Howard and Jason chuckled at the excited exclamation which came down the line in reply, and as Jason and Grace talked, Howard lifted Jason’s hand to his lips, pressing a kiss to the back of it before pulling him across sofa and into his arms.
***
Howard looked up from the mugs he’d been drying just in time to see Jason coming back down the corridor, freshly showered and changed. He met Howard’s eyes immediately, offering him a quiet smile as the two came to meet each other by the breakfast bar.
“Feel better for that?” Howard asked softly as Jason wound his arms around him. He cupped Jason’s face in his hand and Jason tipped his lips upwards instinctively, eyes closing as Howard dipped in to steal a lingering kiss.
“Mm, much better now,” Jason whispered against Howard’s lips just before they broke apart, and Howard stroked his thumb along Jason’s jawline.
“Me too,” he replied huskily, his other hand slipping just beneath the hem of Jason’s shirt. His skin was warm and damp and Howard briefly closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against Jason’s as he breathed in the familiar mix of sandalwood and citrus – a scent long gone from the cushions and bed sheets, now so close once more.
Howard felt like all his nerve endings were dancing with static electricity, every time his skin brushed against Jason’s and he felt the taste of his lips against his own; all the exhaustion of that morning was long gone, replaced by a glow, a buzz of barely-contained joy that seemed to emanate from deep within him. And Jason’s eyes were knowing as he looked up into Howard’s face, something dazzling and satisfied about the way they shone up at him. Howard wanted to kiss him, hold him close, lie in the dark with him and dance with him all at once, but he settled for simply breathing him in a moment longer.
“I give it a day before you’re bickering with me again,” Jason told him with a fond kind of mischief that made him smile and Howard kissed his forehead.
“I can’t wait,” he replied honestly, making Jason laugh, smacking him half-heartedly even as he leant against him a little more, his body graceful as it arched into Howard’s touch. “I hope you haven’t forgotten – after all this – that I always win, you know,” Howard added, waggling his eyebrows teasingly as Jason narrowed his eyes, trying to suppress a smile.
“And I hope you haven’t forgotten I find you utterly insufferable when you’re smug.”
“You forgot it when you married me, love.”
“You’re a nightmare, you know that?”
“And apparently you were wrong about it taking us a whole day to start bickering,” Howard grinned, and Jason chuckled softly, burying his face against Howard’s chest and holding him tight. “I always win,” Howard reminded him brightly, laughing when Jason gave him the slightest of shoves, twisting in his embrace to push himself up in Howard’s arms, pulling him in for a fervent kiss that caught Howard off guard.
“Not always,” he murmured against Howard’s lips, his tone sly and tender. Howard felt his heart stutter and he chuckled – low and fond – as he pulled Jason even closer, kissing his forehead before resting his cheek on top of his head.
“You play dirty, Orange,” he sighed contently. He could feel Jason’s laugh as he wound his arms tighter around him.
“You just make it too easy, Donald.”
It was at that moment that the quiet was broken by a sudden, excited rap on the door and both Howard and Jason twisted to look over in the direction of the sound, neither one of them making a move to break their embrace, Jason’s body still pressed close to Howard’s. They waited for a moment in silence, but then another quick rap on the door echoed through the apartment, this one no-nonsense and firm.
“You don’t get rid of us that easy, you pair! Open up!” Gary Barlow’s voice cut through the air and Jason looked up at Howard, one eyebrow quirked, his expression amused but knowing.
“I may have made one more call while you were in the shower,” Howard said slowly and Jason laughed, burying his face into Howard’s chest yet again. “We’ve moved!” Howard called out, laughing himself, and Jason smirked up at him, smacking him lightly on the arm. Howard simply smiled down at him unashamedly and Jason’s grin was bright in return.
“Well that was convincing,” Gary deadpanned, just loud enough to be heard through the door. “Wouldn’t you agree, Marko?”
“Very convincing, Barlow,” Mark put in, his voice also pointedly raised so as to be heard. “Better go home then,” Howard retorted obstinately, and Jason smirked, rolling his eyes and looking up at Howard with mild reprimand mixed up with affection.
“You should probably let them in before they give up and use their spare key,” he said, eyes dancing with amusement still, and Howard smiled.
“They’re closer than family, right?” he guessed.
“Sounds about right,” Jason agreed, reluctantly stepping back from Howard’s hold and giving him a small push in the direction of the door.
The moment Howard opened the door, Mark came barrelling past him, making a beeline for Jason as he appeared at Howard’s side.
“Come ‘ere, Jay – I’m not taking no for an answer!” he announced, arms open for a hug that Jason accepted with a fond laugh.
“Hi, Howard – how are you?” Howard joked dryly as Gary also walked straight past him and went over to wrap Jason into a bear hug the moment Mark let him go.
“You’ll get your turn, let us make a fuss of this beggar first,” Gary beamed, giving Jason one last pat on the back for good measure before stepping back and pulling Howard down for a hug of his own. Mark was beaming from ear to ear, still standing next to Jason, hopping from foot to foot unable to contain his energy.
“We would’ve waited ‘til tomorrow but-”
“But someone is over-excitable,” Gary cut in, glancing at Jason and giving a ‘what can you do with him?’ roll of his eyes that Jason chuckled at. Mark pulled a face.
“As if you took any persuading, Barlow,” he remarked archly, a mischievous smile dancing in his eyes.
“Alright, you pair – before things break out into an argument: Howard, go and put the kettle on, Gaz go and raid the cupboard – Howard hides his biscuits in the bottom left corner of the one closest the toaster coz he thinks I don’t look in there – Marko, come sit down and stop fidgeting.” Howard let out a half-hearted grumble of protest, but Gary simply rubbed his hands together gleefully and moved off to find the biscuits. Jason shot Howard a mischievous look over his shoulder as he followed Mark over to the sofa, and Howard stuck his tongue out in response, unable to hide the affection from his smile.
“When Howard phoned, me and Gaz were on the sofa moping,” Mark said with a bemused little grin as he and Jason flopped down onto the sofa. “We thought we’d been bad mates letting him go home alone after everything this morning,” he explained and Jason smiled at him kindly, resting his head back and shrugging.
“Turns out you did him a favour – since, you know, I clearly would’ve gone knocking on random doors up and down Salford if Howard hadn’t have been home,” he shot back, arching one eyebrow teasingly as Mark reached out to swot at him fondly.
“You know what I mean; I’m glad you came home and that he was home and everything worked out, one way or another, you know?” Mark said with a slight pout, and Jason laughed softly, tipping his head to concede the point.
“Home is definitely good,” he agreed and Mark beamed at him, giving him a bright little nod before glancing briefly over his shoulder at Howard.
“He fought for you, know you,” Mark said in a low voice then, leaning in just slightly, and Jason’s smile turned quiet, his eyes shining knowingly.
“Doesn’t he always?” he asked and Mark inclined his head slightly.
“I suppose,” he conceded, smiling slightly. “He put up a good enough front though, Jay. I hardly noticed just how rough things were ‘til today…” Mark sighed and looked down. “Me and Gaz were the only ones who believed him, who agreed that he was right to still hope.” He risked a glance up at Jason then and found him watching him intently and he shrugged awkwardly underneath the scrutiny. “We were only there to sing a song – a song we wrote for you. But it felt so wrong being there at all.” Mark swallowed, shaking his head slightly and blinking rapidly, trying to clear the thoughts from his mind. He looked back up at Jason and smiled lopsidedly. “I don’t know anyone as stubborn as Howard, though. Except maybe, you know…” Mark trailed off, his eyes turning impish and his smile suddenly bright as he gestured vaguely towards Jason, who laughed softly, arching an eyebrow.
“Except for me?” he asked and Mark grinned.
“You said it not me, though – so that means I’m off the hook, Jay. You can’t hold it against me now,” he teased and Jason rolled his eyes in fond despair.
Gary and Howard appeared with the teas then, setting them down on the coffee table before climbing across to join the others on the sofa, one flopping down either side of Jason. Mark let out a yelp of surprise when Gary dislodged him, but Jason simply sank back against Howard’s side with a smile.
“Jay, mate, can I just say: I’m very glad to have you back,” Gary announced, one arm falling around Jason’s shoulders.
“Me too,” Howard added more quietly, pressing a kiss to the crook of Jason’s neck. And, not to be outdone, Mark climbed across Gary, reaching over to wrap an arm around Jason’s middle, squeezing them all into one large hug that Howard happily added his weight to as well, letting Mark stretch out an arm and stretching his own arm back to fully enclose Jason between all three of them.
“Me three,” Mark announced brightly as the circle closed around Jason, who groaned good-naturedly, though he was smiling all the same. Gary chuckled and Howard grinned.
“We missed you,” he pointed out needlessly, tipping his head to look into Jason’s face a little better. Jason laughed, flicking his gaze between the three of them before letting his head fall back against the sofa, surrendering as he was squashed into the middle of the group hug.
“It’s a shame because I didn’t miss you mad bastards at all.”
***
Howard started awake not long after midnight, his heart lurching immediately into his throat as he realised he was lying alone on the sofa. The room was bathed in a mixture of grey and orange, the raindrops drying on the windows making scattered patterns across the ceiling that seemed to flicker and dim in the half-light. Howard blinked the sleep away from his eyes, blearily pushing himself upright and trying to clear his head – and then he spotted Mark and Gary, crushed together uncomfortably on the armchair, fast asleep, a throw cover tucked around the two of them. Howard felt the calmness wash over him immediately; there was only one person who ever tucked the two of them in when they fell asleep in the living room. He really did come home. Howard smiled bewilderedly to himself, taking a moment to even out his breathing before turning to look around the room; and there he was, sitting on the floor by the windows, crossed legged, a faraway look on his face.
Quietly, Howard got to his feet. He knew Jason knew he was there, but neither one of them broke the silence as Howard carefully sat himself down at Jason’s side. Jason’s eyes stayed on the skyline, a half-smile gracing his lips as Howard leant in briefly, pressing a kiss to his temple before leaning back to study his face. Behind them, Mark muttered something in his sleep, shifting his weight in a way that prompted a soft grumble out of Gary. Outside everything was still; no rain, barely even a breeze. Below the streets were empty and above there was a clear sky – it was the most peace Howard had known there be in weeks.
“I missed this,” Jason whispered into the stillness and Howard tilted his head, his forehead creasing into a slight frown.
“Missed what?” he asked quietly, brushing his fingers lightly against Jason’s neck and smiling when Jason closed his eyes, his spine straightening at his touch and a soft sigh escaping him.
“You coming and finding me late at night…sitting in the dark together whispering,” Jason breathed, his eyes still closed and the corners of his lips curving up. Howard’s own lips twisted into a smile and he ran his fingers lightly across Jason’s skin once more. This time Jason’s eyes fluttered open, meeting his own, and the bright moonlight glinted off them, making them seem a paler, sharper blue than they did in the daylight.
“I missed it too,” Howard murmured. He was sitting the opposite way to Jason, his back to the windows, his body turned towards him; they were two perfect opposites, fitting around each other seamlessly, leaving behind no empty space. Howard leaned in and captured Jason’s lips in a kiss.
When they broke apart, their eyes stayed trained on each other. Jason twisted himself slightly, resting his elbows on his knees; the shift brought their faces a little closer than before, close enough for him to see the flecks of silver in Howard’s intense blue eyes.
“So tell me; how bad are things between you and my family, exactly?” Howard was surprised by the question, but he supposed he shouldn’t have been – Jason wasn’t one to let secrets rest, and the two of them kept very little from each other. There had been times, earlier in their relationship, when Jason had asked him not to question, just to be there – but those days were long gone, an unconditional surrender having since been made by both of them. It was always an odd contradiction; the conditions they had set in place that somehow made sense of an impossible, unpredictable and boundless love. Howard sighed heavily and looked away from Jason’s gaze, offering him a smile that he knew wouldn’t convince. Still, he felt he had to try.
“Jay, it doesn’t matter – everyone’s been on edge, but it’s over now and everything has worked out for the best.”
“Howard, it’s me you’re talking to,” Jason warned him. “If you wanted someone who was going to be placated with half-truths and niceties then I don’t think you should have married me.” Howard looked up, sensing the love behind the sternness and seeing it just as clearly in Jason’s face. Silently Jason held out his hand, and when Howard didn’t take it immediately he waggled his fingers by way of invitation, narrowing his eyes almost playfully. Howard sighed, a small smile on his lips despite himself, and he reluctantly thrust his hand towards Jason, letting him lace together their fingers and clasp his free hand around their joined ones. “Mum was cagey on the phone. And Justin…you know, I love my twin, most of the time, but for someone who got into so much trouble as a kid? He is terrible at lying. That’s why he always needed me to bail him out, I suppose.” Jason rolled his eyes with fond amusement before his gaze settled back on Howard once more, growing intense and thoughtful again as he looked into Howard’s eyes. “I know they’re a nightmare, Howard. And between the radio and mum and Mark and Gary, I know enough to know things aren’t ok. But I can’t put them right if I don’t know everything.” Howard closed his eyes and nodded reluctantly, grateful to feel Jason squeeze his hand tight.
“They just wanted someone to blame, Jay,” he whispered. There was a pause and he opened his eyes, looking over at Jason anxiously, not wanting him to have to deal with this on top of everything else but knowing he wouldn’t take silence as an answer. “Justin thought we fought too much. And your dad worked out that I would’ve had enough time to get back here and fight with you before I reported you missing.” Howard shrugged lamely. “I don’t know, I think they just needed someone to be angry at. All those unanswered questions about what happened and why…and me being a stubborn git, insisting you wouldn’t just run away…”
“That doesn’t make it right, How,” Jason told him gently, leaning a little closer and dipping his head in order to meet his gaze. “I’ll set them right tomorrow, ok? But I need you to promise me something.”
“Anything.”
“Next time they give you grief, don’t let them get in your head. I love my family but…there’s plenty of things they don’t know about me. But you do know, How. And you kept me going through the rain by being a stubborn so-and-so; I’d never forgive you if you changed.” Howard chuckled softly and leant across to press a kiss to Jason’s forehead.
“Deal,” he said against Jason’s skin, and Jason squeezed his hand again.
As the quiet of the darkness settled around them once more, Jason edged himself closer to Howard, finally letting go of his hand but still looking at him intently.
“Howard, you keep asking if I’m ok; I’m ok now. But are you ok? And I mean it; no lies, no being strong – it’s just you and me here. You can tell me.” Howard swallowed, looking up at the ceiling, and Jason edged even closer then, placing his hands either side of his face and forcing him to look at him. “Howard Donald, you threw yourself in with me a long time ago; it’s too late to start pretending now,” he said, his tone firm but still somehow calm and gentle. Irresistible. Howard looked at him, studied the way the moonlight lit the sharp angles of his face; that handsome jawline, the slight smile lines and the faint curve of his cheeks. In the easy quiet of the apartment past midnight everything seemed simple suddenly and Howard let out a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding.
“If you ever turn away, if you ever change your mind, if the road ahead becomes too hard to climb, if there's something in your heart that tells you to stop; oh, to hold you close tonight, I’d wait for life.” Howard whispered the words like the promise he now realised they had been – Jason hadn’t been the only one whispering oaths to the raindrops, he supposed. Jason was frowning at him slightly, though there was a curve to his lips that was almost a smile. His hands had fallen from Howard’s face now, resting on his knee instead; the two of them were almost tangled together on the floor now, they were so close, and Howard could count all the colours of Jason’s eyes. “I’m ok, Jay. Right now, I’m ok. I swear.”
For a minute Jason watched him, his eyes scanning his face carefully, thoughtfully. And Howard looked back in silence, letting him see everything, not wanting to resist the glorious familiarity of this brand of honestly. And then, slowly – silently – Jason got to his feet, holding out his hands to Howard. Howard let himself be pulled up too – understanding and grateful as Jason led him off down the corridor and towards their bedroom. He followed Jason quietly, their hands still joined as he let him tug him gently down onto their bed. Still without uttering a word, Jason climbed onto the bed beside him, lying himself down and looking up at Howard expectantly. Howard felt a smile colour his lips and he carefully clambered across, lying himself beside Jason and resting his head just behind his on the pillow, his arms closing round him at once.
“Stay,” Jason whispered as Howard pressed a kiss to the nape of his neck and Howard’s smile widened at the word. He held Jason even closer, closing his eyes and enjoying the feel of his warm skin pressed against him, the scent of his shampoo and the sound of his breathing. He found Jason’s hand with his own, clasping it tight and pulling it up to his lips. He pressed a kiss to the back of it then sank back against the pillows as he felt Jason relax against him, his eyes fluttering closed.
“Always,” he whispered in reply.
***
Howard could hardly believe how easily the two of them fell back into place in the days that followed. For all the upheaval and mess that still remained, the two of them were quick to find their step amidst well-worn patterns, familiar rhythms that Howard was sure had been set for them since the first day they met, easy to find and follow once again. Sometimes he felt like they were still both two dancers from Manchester, following old choreography with a casual grace that made them seem in sync, even when they stood on opposite sides of the room. And if they were still just two dancers, then Howard knew why he was still so in awe of Jason; his grace had always fascinated him, the way every movement he made somehow became rhythmic and elegant. Two weeks on from lying with him in the dark and finally Jason’s light was back to its brightest now; Howard watched him from the archway with a smile on his lips.
“Marko, you wouldn’t happen to know why there are three boxes of grades one to three violin exercise books sitting in the Pop and Rock section would you?” Jason’s voice was wry and amused as he stood, lifting one of the boxes in question and looking pointedly at Mark, who stood behind him, his face the picture of innocence but a mischievous gleam in his eyes.
“Do you know how many of your shifts I’ve covered? And this is all the thanks I get in return!” Mark grinned impishly and Jason pulled a face at him, pretending to aim a kick in his direction before spinning on his heel and heading for the shop counter to dump the offending songbooks to await sorting. And when he turned back around, he finally spotted Howard and his companion, his eyes lighting up instantly as he looked between the two of them, winking at Howard before focusing the full force of his smile on the girl standing, bouncing at Howard’s side.
“JAY!” Grace Donald had bolted from her father’s side in a flash, and Jason laughed brightly as she hurtled towards him, catching her artfully in his arms as she flung herself forwards. He lifted her up, squeezing her tightly, his eyes meeting Howard’s over her shoulder.
“Hey, kiddo – since when did I become your favourite person?!” he chuckled and Howard shook his head fondly.
“Since always, I think you’ll find” he pointed out, nodding a hello to Mark, who was watching the scene unfold with amusement.
“You could at least pretend I stood a chance of ranking first, you know,” Mark pouted playfully.
“Marko – even I don’t stand a chance against Jay,” Howard shot back, watching Jason lift Grace up into a tight hug, eyes shining with genuine affection.
“I seem to remember ranking behind at least three other people, actually,” Jason countered, meeting Howard’s gaze and flashing him a quick, knowing grin. “Back in the good old days I ranked behind several stuffed animals and even one or two of the penguins at the zoo,” he added, setting Grace back down on the floor and letting her wrap her arms around his waist. His arm slipped around her shoulders easily and he looked down at her, eyebrows raised in query as he looked for confirmation.
“I don’t care if it makes all the penguins at the zoo cry, I still missed you,” she told him fiercely, burying her face in his side. Jason chuckled slightly and nodded, giving her a squeeze back.
“If you say so, sweetheart, I won’t argue,” he told her. Despite several phone conversations, it was the first time Grace had actually seen Jason since he had returned and Howard had had to try to help her contain her excitement all morning whilst he ran errands with her in the passenger seat, complaining and babbling ceaselessly until he agreed to stop by the shop early.
“Aw,” Mark smiled as he watched the two of them, glancing at Howard who couldn’t hide the sappy grin from his own lips.
“Dad says I can stay up late and come to dinner with all of you tonight. But he says you have to say it’s ok – so is it ok, Jay?” Grace asked suddenly, looking up at Jason with wide, hopeful eyes and making him laugh.
“Of course it’s ok, Gracie. Although you will have to put up with Gary Barlow in full Simon Says Mode,” Jason warned, and Grace’s face almost fell – she seemed to consider the thought for a moment before shaking her head defiantly.
“I still don’t care,” she declared after a beat, squeezing Jason tight once again, her whole face suddenly alive with joy. He ran his hand down her hair, tucking it behind her ear before brushing his fingers affectionately against her cheek and her smile widened, dimples forming in her cheeks as she looked up at him happily.
“You’re sweet, Gracie, you know that?” he smiled down at her with a wink, and Grace positively glowed at the attention. Howard watched the scene silently, eyes shining with a mixture of pride and wonder at the two of them, still so close even after everything. And then he processed what Jason had said before and he blinked and refocused, looking up at Jason with a sudden, confused frown.
“Wait, what happened to set The Barlow off?” he queried, intrigued, and at this point Mark took up the narrative, mischievous glee lighting up his face.
“A big wedding booking for next weekend. Song requests, plus our usual set. Gaz is trying to draw up a sample set-list and hasn’t come up for air since the call came.” Mark and Jason exchanged amused glances.
“We’re calling a band-meeting-slash-Barlow-Intervention for Monday morning – if you think you can make it out of bed, love,” Jason told Howard with a teasing smile.
“If it’ll stop Gaz putting together a show that’s entirely his lead vocals, I’ll be there,” Howard replied with an unapologetic grin. “But right now, I’m more concerned about dinner tonight; he does know that it’s our anniversary, right? And that he’s not allowed to go insane when we’ve already agreed to sacrifice our precious time together to let him and Mark join our plans,” he added leadingly, pushing himself off the archway and crossing over to where Jason and Grace were leaning against the shop’s counter. “Also: isn’t this the point where you say ‘happy anniversary’ since you left the apartment without a single word to me this morning?” he added, arching an eyebrow, and Jason looked back at him, eyes dancing in challenge.
“I left you a note to tell you where your breakfast was. And anyway; I told you plenty about our anniversary just after midnight, if I remember rightly,” he countered, drawing a laugh out of Howard as he cupped his cheek in his hand.
“Oh is that so?”
“It is so so – don’t even pretend you don’t remember; I know your game and I’m not going to play. Now hands by your sides, Donald – Grace, Barlow and Mark Owen are all in the building and I would like us to at least get as far as dinner before they all decide they’re bored of me again.”
“I won’t ever get bored of you, I promise,” Grace declared vehemently.
“Me neither,” Mark grinned. Jason looked up into Howard eyes, raising his eyebrows expectantly.
“And what about you, Howard Donald? You going to get tired of me any time soon?” he queried, lips twisting into an amused smile. Howard simply leant in and pressed a chaste kiss against his lips.
“That would be a ‘never’, Jason Orange,” he murmured in reply.
Epilogue
Gary looked up from the sheet music he had been organizing and let out a sigh, smiling wryly at the sight that greeted him and putting his hands on his hips: on the steps up to the stage, Jason and Howard were sitting side by side, Howard playing with his drumsticks as Jason playfully tried to make a grab for them, the two of them tangled together, pushing and kicking each other harmlessly as they wrestled for control, both laughing mischievously, oblivious to the rest of the world. As Gary watched, Jason finally managed to get a hold of the sticks, distracting Howard from the fight entirely by pressing a sudden kiss to his lips. The two of them began to melt together, lost in the kiss, and Gary rolled his eyes despairingly.
“Remind me again why we let Howard join the band?” he remarked pointedly, his voice causing Jason and Howard to break apart, turning to look up at him with matching, unashamed grins.
“Oh, leave ‘em alone, Barlow,” Mark smiled, closing his guitar case and coming to stand with Gary by the piano. “Was only a few weeks ago we would have sold our souls for this,” he added more quietly as Jason and Howard resumed their play fighting, prompted by Howard re-pinching the drumsticks from Jason’s grip.
“For two five year olds not prepared to help with packing up?” Gary asked lightly, eyebrows raised, and Mark smacked him playfully. Gary flashed him a knowing smile and wrapped an arm around his waist, kissing the side of his face even before looking back at Howard and Jason thoughtfully. “No. I know; and you’re right. It felt good having all four of us back up on a stage.”
“Here here,” Mark agreed softly, laughing as Jason won the drumsticks back once more, standing sharply and almost sending Howard flying. Proud with his work, Jason simply grinned mischievously down at his husband, giving a carefree shrug at Howard’s narrowed-eyed gaze before coming over to stand with Mark and Gary.
“And he says he always wins,” he remarked with airy sigh, laughing as Howard came up behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist.
“Doesn’t count as a victory; I let you win so I could get my kiss,” Howard said, kissing Jason’s temple with a grin and holding onto him even tighter as he elbowed him in the ribs.
“You two are insufferable,” Gary remarked, watching Howard kiss the crook of Jason’s neck as Jason finally stilled and leant back against him contentedly. His eyes were all amusement as he shrugged at Gary, shameless and happy.
“You’re not the first person to say that, Gaz,” he remarked offhandedly, and Howard chuckled.
“Not even the first person to say that today,” he put in, a certain devilish pride sparkling in his eyes, and Gary couldn’t help but smile.
“Heaven help this band if we can’t even pack away without it descending into public displays of affection,” he said with good-natured annoyance, and Mark elbowed him in his ribs.
“Lighten up, Barlow; how can you write all those ballads and yet have a zero-tolerance policy on romance?” he asked.
“He’s always been the same, Marko. All work and no play,” Jason said archly, eyes twinkling at Gary teasingly.
The room was mostly abandoned now; a few wedding guests still milled around at the tables, but most had moved into the hotel’s ballroom to enjoy the delights of the all-night disco. Having played a full set and taken requests here and there, their job was done for the day and really, Gary couldn’t come up with an excuse for keeping things professional at this point. He was about to concede the point and admit defeat when a voice cut in.
“Excuse me – you four were the band from earlier, right?” The four men turned in unison – Jason staying in Howard’s arms but Gary instinctively taking a step forwards, his natural predisposition for being the leader kicking in. The man who had spoken was standing just in front of the stage, looking up at them curiously; he had a friendly face but his eyes held a beady glint that suggested a certain astuteness and Gary was sure he recognised him.
“That’s us,” he said slowly, his brow furrowing at he studied the man. “If you don’t mind me asking…do I know you from somewhere?”
“Depends how many of the local music scene magazines you read,” the man replied with a soft, self-deprecating laugh. “My name’s Jonathan, Jonathan Wild. I’m actually in the band management game, for my sins.”
“No,” Mark breathed, his face suddenly coming alive with recognition as he stepped up beside Gary excitedly. “I just read about your involvement with getting that local band signed last year…Gaz, you know the thing I mean; indie lot, very artsy.”
“So you do read the local music magazines then,” Jonathan smiled.
“Gaz gets through music magazines the same way most of us use oxygen,” Jason put in with a smile, elbowing Howard pointedly as he kissed the crook of his neck. Howard looked up instantly, pulling a face.
“Oh what, if he’s going to manage us he should get used to it,” Howard whispered by Jason’s ear, getting another elbow in his ribs for the trouble but still grinning unashamed.
“So you’re here for the wedding rather than us, I’m guessing,” Gary said, pressing on and flashing only the briefest of glares in Howard and Jason’s direction.
“You’re guessing right. But I heard the songs you played between the service and the wedding breakfast – something tells me that stuff was all your own?” Jonathan asked, his smile still present but something serious creeping into his tone that had Gary on alert, his heart beating somewhat erratically in his chest.
“Written between the four of us – did you enjoy it?” Mark piped up and Jonathan’s smile widened.
“I was intrigued enough to come over. What are you called?”
“Four Men And A Dusty Piano,” Gary told him. “It’s a mouthful but we thought it summed things up,” he explained with a sheepish grin and Jonathan chuckled.
“Ok. So…did you play everything you have earlier or do you think I could hear something else? Just to maybe get a feel for something less upbeat and wedding-friendly?” he asked, raising his eyebrows in enquiry.
Mark and Gary glanced at each other, silent communication bouncing back between the two of them before they slowly, cautiously turned to look at Howard and Jason. The other two men were watching them, suspicious and confused, but slowly realisation seemed to dawn for Howard, who stilled, straightening slowly and shaking his head.
“Oh no, think of something else,” he murmured. Jason frowned and looked between Howard, Mark and Gary thoughtfully.
“Ok, what am I missing?” Jason asked.
“There’s only one other song we’ve got that fits that brief and is rehearsed well enough for performance…or at least…we’ve rehearsed it for performance as a three,” Mark said awkwardly, looking down. Recognition flitted across Jason’s face then and he nodded slowly.
“Ok,” he said, soft and decisive, before turning his gaze to Gary. “Gaz, you get me the notes on the harmony – I know the lyrics but I have no clue how that part goes. Mark, set the mics back up again.”
“But Jay-” Mark began but Jason flashed him a smile.
“Do it – I’ll work on this one,” he said gently, glancing up at Howard and catching hold of his hand. “Stand next to me, keep me in your eyeline: you’ll be fine.” He brought Howard’s hand up to his lips and kissed it, seeing the uncertainty still in his face. “It’s about hope, Howard. It’d be daft for you to lose hope now when you held onto it through all the rain.” Howard looked at him quietly, love and heartbreak in his eyes. He glanced at where Jonathan was now talking with Mark as he set up the mics, then over to Gary who was digging through his many notes. And then finally he looked back down at Jason, cupping his face in his hand and pressing a lingering kiss to his forehead.
“Ok,” he whispered into Jason’s skin, letting out a heavy, anxious sigh. Gary looked up then and Jason gave him a small nod.
“Let’s go,” he said calmly, holding out his hand for the notes on the harmony and taking them with a small smile. “Come on, How,” he added, pulling Howard gently away towards the microphones.
Howard was surprised at how easy it was at first – with one eye on Jason even as they sang, it was a little easier to focus on the upshot of everything that had happened, to think of sitting with Jason in the dark the night he first returned rather than lying in bed on his own the night he first disappeared. And Jason looked over at him every now and then, opening his eyes from his usual determined focus in order to meet Howard’s gaze and offer him the odd understanding smile. It was almost peaceful. That was until that lyric came: the one that should have brought the most hope of all but now served as a visceral reminder of all the pain. And suddenly all those emotions he’d kept inside at the time came surging forwards as Gary continued to sing.
“If I close my eyes,
I'll dream a little deeper baby.
'Cause you are always on my mind,
Yeah you are always on my mind,
For life.”
Howard closed his eyes and took a step back from his microphone, moving around the back of the stage and quickly disappearing from the room. Gary continued to play, looking over at Jason in concern, but Jason simply gave him a nod of encouragement before casting a glance at a worried-looking Mark.
“Stay with Gaz, talk to Jonathan – don’t worry about Howard; I’ll go and find him…he’ll be back before you know it, I promise,” he whispered, giving Mark’s shoulder a brief squeeze and flashing Jonathan a polite smile before disappearing in the direction Howard had gone.
He found Howard standing outside, leaning against the wall, his eyes closed and a pained, almost frightened expression on his face. Jason crossed over to join him quietly, coming to lean next to him. He didn’t touch him, made no move to speak; he stood and watched him as he fought to steady his breathing, compassion in his eyes and reassurance in his silent, unwavering presence. Eventually Howard opened his eyes again, staring up at the blue sky above – his expression was still strained, but he seemed a little calmer, and silently Jason edged closer so that their shoulders brushed. Howard looked down at him and Jason offered him a small, understanding smile, holding out his hand. Howard took it wordlessly, grateful when Jason gave his hand a firm squeeze. A single tear escaped then. He could feel it rolling down his cheek but he made no move to brush it away; he could feel Jason’s eyes on his face as he cried but he couldn’t bring himself to want to hide, a part of him suspecting Jason had been waiting for this moment for weeks.
“Now you cry?” Jason asked him quietly, touching a gentle hand to his cheek and wiping away a tear with the pad of his thumb. Howard sniffed, chuckling slightly, and he looked down at the ground with a sigh.
“No tears, just raindrops – that was supposed to be my rule,” he murmured back, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. Jason nodded slowly, coming to stand in front of Howard and cupping his face in both his hands, looking up into his eyes intently.
“Ok,” he said simply, reaching up to press a kiss to his lips. “No tears. Just raindrops,” he agreed, ignoring the sunlight they were bathed in and the picturesque blue skies above their heads. Howard smiled dimly and Jason looked up at him with a calmness that soothed him. “You know, you came out of nowhere one day, Howard Donald, and no one has ever made me feel more frightened or more safe ever since – because you challenged me, in every way. And changed me, for good.” Jason brushed away another falling tear, his smile tender. “So maybe this love left its mark on both of us. Permanent, indelible – something that doesn’t go just because one of us leaves the room for a while. Good, bad, crazy, a mess – whatever you call it, it’s ours to keep no matter what else happens.” He shrugged. “So you want my honest opinion, love? It’s that you’ll survive. And you would’ve survived alone and so would I. But lucky for us we don’t have to – we already did the falling apart; now it’s time to put the pieces back together, maybe even reclaim the rain for our own.” Jason’s lips were still curved up but his eyes were determined and bright as he looked up at Howard for a moment. “Sound like a challenge, love?” he asked softly and Howard let out a small, warm laugh that was as relieved as it was amused. If he’d ever been more in love with Jason than in that moment he couldn’t remember it.
“Challenge accepted: over and over, forever and always, again and again, Jay,” Howard murmured, cupping Jason’s cheek in his hand and drawing him in for a kiss.
The peace was broken moments later by the sound of someone clearing their throat, and Howard and Jason laughed against each other’s lips, turning their heads to see Mark and Gary had emerged from inside. Gary arched an eyebrow but Mark simply smiled, swotting Gary’s arm affectionately.
“So how did it go in there?” Jason asked, leaning against Howard and letting him wrap his arms around him, pulling him close as he tried to recover himself.
“Oh, now you care,” Gary muttered in a show of irritation, rolling his eyes but not bothering to hide his smile. Mark smacked him lightly and flashed Jason a wry grin.
“He loves you both really,” he remarked playfully.
“I do, actually – not least because your vocal and lyrical stylings may well have just found us a manager,” Gary agreed and Jason and Howard raised their eyebrows, impressed.
“Oh really?” Jason smiled, leaning back against Howard, who kissed his temple affectionately.
“You really believe this is going to happen, Barlow?” Howard remarked, scepticism and hope warring for dominance, and Mark and Gary exchanged an excited glance.
“I really do,” Gary beamed.
“Jonathan said he’s coming to see us at our next performance – but he does have one condition, though; we have to promise him he’s not going to get stuck in some sort of bizarre Abba-type situation with the four of us,” Mark added with a chuckle.
“So you pair think you can hold off on those divorce plans for a while?” Gary joked.
“It’ll be a struggle but I think we’ll cope,” Howard murmured, kissing the side of Jason’s face and then resting his chin on his shoulder. “I couldn’t get rid of this one even if I had a mind to try.” He tipped his head and caught Jason’s eye, flashing him a knowing smile. “Stubborn bastard, you know.” He squeezed him close. “And he always keeps his promises.”
Howard stood alone outside as the rain fell down, watching the patterns the puddles made across the tarmac of the road. He couldn’t stay in there, not without either throwing up or losing it and neither option would go down well, he suspected. The rain began to fall harder and he tugged at his hood, shivering but barely caring. No tears fell on his cheeks, just cold raindrops. He could feel the bite of them stinging his skin. Jason’s family probably hated him. But he couldn’t help it, could barely bring himself to care. Every stubborn instinct in his body fought against it – as hopeless as it felt sometimes, he wasn’t capable of stopping the fight. They could believe it if they wanted but Howard never would until there was some proof, some clue that wasn’t open-ended, some theory that made more sense than the one being presented to them. An abandoned car and a note were not enough for him, would never be enough for him. He wouldn’t believe it. If Jason was dead, he would know it – for all the despondency that clawed at him, he couldn’t shake his certainty. His face was creased, a stricken look worn deep across it, but still the tears didn’t come. The rain fell a little harder as the Manchester sky turned a shade of grey that Howard was all too familiar with; it was the colour that everything had turned to since the day of Jason’s disappearance.
There was the sound of footsteps on the wet steps behind him, the slow splash of two people walking solemnly across the tarmac towards him. He didn’t need to look to know who it was; he turned slightly just as Gary and Mark came to stand with him, their eyes turned down. Mark’s mouth was a firm line of pale pink and he hunched close to Gary, who held an umbrella over the two of them, the bold blue-sky print striking against the rainclouds. Howard knew it was faintly ridiculous but all it served to do was remind him of Jason’s bright, piercing eyes. He missed those eyes – missed the way they saw and knew everything, always challenging him somehow.
“I’m not going back in there,” Howard muttered softly into the space between them. He’d all but curled in on himself, hunching his shoulders so that he’d almost disappeared inside his hood, the collar of his coat pulled up and partially obscuring his face. All three men stared straight ahead into the rain. Mark’s face was oddly expressionless, though there were tear tracks on his cheeks and dark shadows beneath his eyes that gave him away. Gary, however, kept his jaw set firm, his demeanour every bit as stoic as Howard’s. It made Howard feel a little better. Only a little, but it was something.
“No,” Gary murmured after a beat. “We’re not either, for what it’s worth,” he added, stiffly, a flicker of something broken briefly visible just behind his eyes. Beside him Mark sniffed and swiped at his tears. He was chewing at the inside of his cheek, his forehead creased slightly.
“It’s not right. I mean, it’s all so messed up, but the way they’re treating you – us – just for…” he trailed off, shaking his head slightly. He seemed to flinch and Howard looked away, studying the pavement beneath him intently.
“He didn’t do it,” he said quietly, his voice firm but fear clear in his blue eyes. “You both know that, don’t you?” Beside him Gary let out a long breath and Mark glanced away.
“I think I know that, Howard. But I just…” Gary shook his head and swallowed. “I know Jay always keeps his promises. I know that something isn’t right. And I think I know that – whatever piece of the puzzle it is we’re missing – this is not what he chose. For you or for anyone else.”
“It doesn’t make sense. Not after the way he was that night,” Mark whispered. “It doesn’t make sense any way you look at it. Jay’s more stubborn than that, you know?” Howard smiled a sad, broken smile at that. It was nice to be with people who actually seemed to understand. “Come on, let’s…let’s go back to the flat,” Mark sighed into the silence that had fallen between them. He glanced up at Gary before nervously turning his gaze to Howard, who stared out blankly into the rain. Gary bit his lip.
“Sure. Sounds like a plan,” he agreed slowly, wrapping one arm around Mark’s shoulders as he peered around for where they’d parked the car.
“Howard?” Mark pressed carefully, and Howard looked down at the floor with a sigh.
“Sorry, lads…not today. I’ll you see you some other time, ok? But right now I just…I need to be at the apartment. I need to be somewhere he can find me if he wants to. If he needs to.” Howard swallowed. “But you two go. I’ll be fine on my own.” Gary and Mark both looked at him uncertainly, unconvinced that ‘fine’ was a good way to describe Howard being on his own in the apartment he had shared for so long with Jason, waiting for a knock on the door that never seemed to come. They were worried about him, and they didn’t want to lose him to the darkness that could well threaten to overcome him if he spent too much of his time dwelling on the helpless situation he’d been left in. But they knew how stubborn Howard was, knew he’d not let them coddle him or fuss around. Gary gave his arm a firm squeeze and Mark offered him a tight smile.
“You can call any time,” Gary told him gently, before the two of them nodded a quiet goodbye and headed off into the pouring rain.
Alone on the pavement once more, Howard listened to the melancholy drum of the rain, pattering against every inch of the street. Briefly he glanced back over his shoulder, the sound of Jason’s name uttered sadly catching his ear as two latecomers dashed across the road, heading up the steps and in through the doors. Howard frowned and turned his back to the building once more. He’d been expected to speak – they’d asked him to, siblings and parents taking it in turns to attempt to persuade him, to talk him round. But he couldn’t do it. He’d almost forgotten how to talk over the past few weeks in any case; his lips just stumbled and stuttered over words as he folded in on himself slowly, his life suddenly so unstable and uncertain in the absence of Jason’s touch, his smile, his kiss. A rumble of thunder filled the Manchester air, the sky throwing another wave of angry rain against the tarmac – it was starting to soak through to the skin on the back of his neck, and Howard closed his eyes a moment, feeling the damp and the cold and refusing to flinch at it. He listened to the sound of the rain beating down and felt a strange satisfaction in the sting of more raindrops hitting his face, letting them wash over him as if they somehow understood. He liked to imagine that somewhere out there, Jason could feel that same feeling – it was oddly comforting, the idea that they might both be out there, caught in the moment, raindrops painful against their skin. Out beneath the same sky and connected by the rain. If they both could feel those raindrops, maybe they both could feel each other too, miss each other in equal measure, somehow reach out and feel – just for a moment – like they could survive all of this. Maybe the raindrops were their secret code.
Or maybe they were just raindrops. And maybe he would never see Jason again.
“Where’d you go, Jay?” Howard asked softly into the grey, a crack in his voice. But no one could answer him. And if the raindrops did know? Then they weren’t telling.
Three months earlier…
Going home. Howard felt a warm smile colour his lips and he closed his eyes, resting his head back and tilting his face towards the January sunlight that fell through the train window and warmed his skin. He loved the final stretch of the journey, when he could finally let tiredness start to overwhelm him, safe in the knowledge he was nearly back to his own bed and his husband’s smile. He twisted absently at the wedding ring on his finger, enjoying the now-familiar feel of it against his skin. Only half an hour more and he would be back in Manchester; back where he belonged. Briefly he glanced down at his phone, placed just in front of him on the table; Jason’s face smiled up at him from behind the time and date, blue eyes sparkling despite the wryness of his smile whilst a laughing Grace, with her head partially turned away from the camera, sat at his side. Howard’s fingers twitched briefly as he was almost overwhelmed by a sudden need just to hear Jason’s voice – though they’d only been apart two days, it had been a busy month and the dull ache of distance didn’t leave him just because logic told him he wouldn’t have to put up with it for long. Still, as much as Howard wanted to hear his voice, he was reluctant to let on that he’d managed to get an earlier train home; he wanted to see the surprise on Jason’s face when he made it back before dark.
The train was all but empty – an advantage of his painfully early start – and Howard enjoyed the peace of it after all the chaos of the past two nights; as much as he loved his job, there was a lot to be said for the calmness of his downtime and the feeling of normality slowly coming back to him. The rush of his DJ sets was something he had always relished – would always relish – but sometimes it was nice to know he had a home to go to where he didn’t need to try to be anything for anyone. Jason knew him; knew him grumpy, knew him tired, knew him laughing and belligerent and quiet and everything in between. He would tease and sigh and prod and challenge but he would never need Howard to be anything other than what he was, even if what he was was exhausted. In fact, Jason had a particular smile when Howard was exhausted – tender but vaguely amused. Howard chuckled to himself, letting his mind play over the images of Jason’s smile as the train carriage rattled onwards.
It was only the vibration of his phone against the table which pierced his daydream; he’d been about to succumb to sleep and it took him a moment to adjust to the light once he reopened his eyes. He fumbled slightly with his phone but finally managed to answer, stifling a yawn.
“Hello?” he asked sleepily.
“Hello, mate – how’s the South been treating you?” Gary Barlow’s voice was cheerful and clear down the line and Howard smiled as it occurred to him for the first time that he’d actually missed Gary’s company whilst he’d been on his travels.
“Not too bad, but you know what it’s like. Two days of chaos and I’m more than ready for my own bed already.” Gary chuckled.
“More than ready to see that husband of yours again, more like,” he remarked dryly and Howard tried his best to smother his grin.
“Shut your mouth, Barlow – you’ll only feed his ego.”
“I’ll tell him you said that,” Gary said with a laugh. “Anyway, speaking of your husband – you’ve not heard from him, by any chance, have you?” Howard’s brow crinkled immediately at that question – he couldn’t pinpoint why exactly, but it unsettled him, and he sat up a little straighter in his chair.
“No. I’m on the train home – I didn’t want to get his hopes up in case I missed the early one.”
“Oh…” Gary faltered and Howard dug his nails into his palm, suddenly anxious.
“Oh? ‘Oh’ what? Gaz, what’s going on? I thought he was working today anyway; shouldn’t he be in by now?” When Gary didn’t immediately reply, Howard let out a steadying breath. “Gaz,” he said firmly.
“Look, Howard, it’s nothing. Really. Honestly, when he didn’t come in this morning I just assumed you’d got home early and he’d forgotten to call in.” Gary sighed, and Howard could tell he was trying to hide the small edge of worry that had crept into his tone. “Listen, I only called you to see if you pair were stopping by the shop at closing for a bit band practice.”
“And you couldn’t get Jay on his phone?” Howard pressed, not buying Gary’s attempts to sound dismissive.
“Well, that’s nothing new,” Gary pointed out. “Look, I’m sure he’s just slept in or something.” Howard’s frown deepened.
“Have you met Jay? He doesn’t sleep in, Gaz, you know that as well as I do.”
“There’s a first time for everything, though. Maybe he’s waiting at the apartment for you.”
“Have you tried the apartment phone?”
“Howard, you know, maybe he just didn’t hear it ring or something. Me and Marko were out late with him last night – he’s probably just too hungover to talk to anyone.”
“He doesn’t drink enough to get hungover, Gaz, not unless it’s a big do. And even then – was he the designated driver last night? He usually is out of the four of us. Jay don’t mess around with that stuff, Gaz. He won’t be hungover and he won’t be in bed.” Howard leant forward on his elbows, rubbing a hand over his face. Gary’s silence was telling and it scared him. “When was the last time you saw him?”
“Last night after he dropped off me and Marko. He said he’d see us tomorrow and when I was sceptical about how long we’d see him for given that you were coming home he did a terrible job of pretending he didn’t miss you like crazy, said goodnight and drove off.” Gary sighed. “There’ll be an explanation, Howard.” There was a silence in which neither Gary nor Howard dared admit just how little they believed Gary’s words, then Gary drew in a deep breath. “Where are you now?” he asked at last.
“About a half-hour outside of Manchester.”
“Ok. Well me and Mark will keep an ear out for the phone and maybe ring round a few places – if he turns up before you get back to the apartment, we’ll get him to call you right away, ok? And if not and you get back and he’s home, then you let us know.”
“And if he’s not there either?” Howard asked quietly, his voice strained. Gary swallowed.
“Mark and me have our phones on, you keep your phone on…everyone just keep in touch with everyone else and we’ll be golden.” Gary paused, seeming to expect Howard to agree with him, but no sound came and he sighed. “Look, just try not to panic, ok? There’ll be an explanation. And he’ll give us all a telling off for worrying if he gets wind of it.”
“I’ll talk to you later, Gaz,” Howard said quietly, closing his eyes as he ended the call.
Howard knew Jason. Knew the movement of his body in the dark and the sound of his sighs – knew him so instinctively that half the time it wasn’t so much knowing as feeling. And all his senses buzzed – electricity along his skin – at the suddenness of the not-knowing.
Jason never slept in. Not without Howard there to make him.
***
Jason stirred slowly beside Howard, some incoherent mumble just escaping his lips as he moved. Howard watched him with a small smile on his face, propping himself up on his elbow and tenderly brushing at the hair that fell across Jason’s forehead. Slowly Jason’s eyes flickered open, looking up into Howard’s own, the light catching in them and making them shine. A steady smile formed on his lips then – a smile that Howard matched with one of his own as Jason closed the gap between the two of them, curling close to Howard’s chest. Instinctively, he bent his head, capturing Jason’s lips in a kiss, one arm reaching out to pull Jason’s closer. Jason smiled against his lips before teasingly pushing him back and Howard flopped back down across the pillow so they were lying face to face. Jason narrowed his eyes at him playfully.
“Whatever it is you’re thinking? Don’t,” he warned, batting Howard away half-heartedly when he edged closer and pressed a kiss to Jason’s nose. “What part of ‘Don’t’ did you miss?” Jason laughed softly, though he reached up a hand to cup Howard’s cheek, leaning their foreheads together.
“I have free will, Jason Orange, and I intend to use it,” Howard replied with a grin, waggling his eyebrows for effect and feeling absurdly proud when the gesture coaxed another laugh and a harmless shove out of Jason. He took the moment to study his face, the way his lashes fanned out in perfect little lines against his tanned skin and the incredible symmetry of his cheekbones. Those blue eyes which were never quite just blue – grey and green strands and glints of light all dancing just behind his steady gaze. Jason let out a soft sigh, glancing away briefly even as Howard’s fingers traced idle patterns down his arm.
“I should get up,” he remarked, quiet and matter-of-fact, though there was a slight groan just audible in the words. He made no move to get up, however, Howard noticed, and he couldn’t help but laugh at that, leaning in close and pulling Jason into a lingering kiss. Jason put up little resistance – his hand pushed slightly against Howard’s chest but he was smiling into the kiss, letting Howard draw his body closer, and Howard knew he’d won.
“What could you possibly need to get up for? We’re supposed to be on honeymoon, remember?” Howard said in a low, soft voice as they finally pulled apart. Jason saw the glint in his eyes and shook his head in a show of despair.
“And what part of you thinks I was built for lie-ins?” he chuckled, the sound sending vibrations through Howard’s ribs.
“And what part of you thinks I care?” Howard countered with sly grin. He reached up and ran his fingers along Jason’s jawline, meeting his eyes with deliberate challenge, one eyebrow arched. Jason’s own expression was somewhere between amusement and resignation as he looked back at Howard steadily for a moment before putting his hand over his face and pushing him away. Howard laughed – could feel Jason laughing too – and artfully slipped his arms around Jason, pulling him with him as he rolled the two of them across the bed. “You’re not gonna win this battle, Orange – I know all your tricks,” Howard warned, managing to wriggle free of Jason’s grip as Jason landed against him with a soft thud. “You admit defeat yet?” he asked archly as Jason lay his head down against his chest.
“I think you know me better than that,” Jason murmured, even as his eyes closed and he curled more tightly against Howard’s side.
“Oh I have so won,” Howard smirked and Jason smacked him.
“Shut up or I will fight you,” he chuckled sleepily, briefly lifting his head and reaching up to press a kiss to Howard’s lips. “I’m calling a temporary truce. Just for one day,” he stated when he pulled back. Howard nodded, unable to stop the smug grin on his lips from showing through and receiving a fond eye roll from Jason in return. “Fine. I can do lie-ins,” he conceded, shifting his weight a little and resting his head back against Howard’s chest. Howard laughed softly, squeezing Jason close as he let his eyes flicker shut once again. “I can do lie-ins – but only for you,” Jason added through a yawn. Howard’s smile softened and he kissed the top of Jason’s head affectionately.
“I think I can live with that truce.”
Though his eyes were closed, Jason was smiling, and he reached out a hand, finding Howard’s hand and clasping his tightly. Howard felt the cool of Jason’s wedding ring against his skin. He had to have done something incredible in a past life for this moment to belong to him – it was the only explanation he could think of for why these promises came so naturally, so easily between the two of them. They made them every day, every moment together and even some apart, hardly realising they were making them but still meaning them with every fibre of their beings. There was just something about who they both were that made certainty seem natural. And their shared stubbornness served as insurance; they would fight to keep these promises, no matter how easily they had been made, no matter how naturally they came. Jason wasn’t a man to break a promise – it was all Howard needed to know, when it came down to it. “I love you,” Howard murmured, his thumb rubbing idly against Jason’s upper arm. For a moment he thought Jason had fallen asleep, but then he glanced down and saw his smile.
“You’d better,” Jason replied in a half-whisper then, before opening his eyes and lifting his head to meet Howard’s startlingly blue gaze. “You know I love you too, Donald,” he added with a small, knowing smile. “Promise.” He lay his head back down and let out a long sigh. He stretched his body out for a moment before relaxing his weight back against Howard, who couldn’t help but smile. “Now if you’re quite finished with your sentimentalities; I believe I was promised a lie-in.” Howard’s smile immediately turned mischievous, recognising the challenge in Jason’s tone and readily accepting it.
“You know, lie-ins don’t always have to involve sleep,” he replied.
***
Howard couldn’t count the number of times he’d slid his key into the lock and not given it a thought. It was an everyday action – it just got lost amongst all the other gestures that made up a life. But today Howard was finding himself hyper-aware of everything; the sound of his footsteps echoing through the empty entryway to their building, the way the lock was unusually stiff, the incredible stillness of the apartment as he opened the door. He stood for a moment in the doorway, waiting for something to happen, for a movement or a noise to make everything normal. But the apartment remained motionless. He tossed his keys down the way he always would – he winced at the way the clatter bounced off the apartment walls, incongruously loud in the silent space. There was no point calling out or looking round; that sound always got a reaction out of Jason – usually some sort of half-hearted reprimand, sometimes just open affection and relief to see Howard was back again. Howard rubbed his hands over his face and tried to clear his head, tried to think of logical explanations, but his heart was thudding wildly against his ribs and it was all he could do to draw in a shaky breath and try to steady himself. He scanned the space for a moment, taking in the tidiness. Jason was neat – obsessively neat sometimes – but even he wouldn’t keep the apartment this way whilst he was in it; there wasn’t so much as a mug in the sink and Jason’s laptop was sitting on the desk rather than abandoned on the coffee table or the arm of the chair. Howard bit his lip and tried not to dwell on it, because if he did he knew there was only one conclusion he could draw from it: Jason didn’t come home last night.
There had to be a reason for this. A different reason. He cast his eyes absently over the growing collection of photographs which were scattered about the room: an Orange family photograph, Jason and Gary from too many years ago to count, Four Men And A Dusty Piano sat together in the shop, Jason, Howard and Grace crammed in at an awkward angle so that Howard could fit them all in the shot, Jason and several of his friends from his dancing days, Howard and Grace after her first school play and a photograph of Grace in the sunlight down at Salford Quays, her back to the camera as she ran ahead, the sunlight catching her smile as she looked back, laughing, over her shoulder. On Jason’s desk there was a photograph from their wedding: through a gap in a sea of people dancing, Gary, Mark, Jason and Howard could be see sitting at an empty table with Grace – the four of them were laughing, each one of them with a slightly different expression, revealing a slightly different story, and Jason was burying his face the crook of Howard’s neck whilst Grace sat on Jason’s lap, fast asleep. Howard took another deep breath and turned away, swiftly fishing his mobile out of his pocket and scrolling down to Gary’s number.
“Howard! Any luck? Have you found him?” Howard swallowed, closing his eyes and squeezing them tightly shut. “How?”
“Gaz, he’s not here. And don’t think he came home last night – his car’s not here either and I can’t see his keys.” There was a pause on the end of the line, but the silence was telling and Gary’s nerves were palpable. Howard pinched the bridge of his nose. “There’s no note, no missed calls on my phone…and he’s not been here, I know it.” There was another pause and then Gary blew out a breath.
“Don’t move. Me and Mark will come over, we’ll talk it over, work it out and track him down, ok?” Howard nodded, belatedly realising Gary couldn’t see him but not being able to muster up any words. “Twenty minutes: we’ll be there. Then when Jay turns up with some long-winded explanation, we can all give him hell together.” Gary’s tone was all empty determination and Howard knew the man well enough to know the difference between his usual control and the worry that had just crackled down the line. But he hadn’t got the strength to bring it up, too willing to cling onto the front of belief Gary was putting up.
“Twenty minutes,” he echoed dully.
***
“Come on, love – cheer up.” Jason’s smile was lightly teasing yet still somehow soft. He was sitting up on the kitchen counter, his eyes on Howard, who sat across from him at the breakfast bar, his expression sullen. “I thought being a DJ was your calling in life and that you were the luckiest man on the planet because you loved your job so much,” Jason pressed as Howard continued to play with his phone, his eyes downturned.
“No, I think you misheard me; I love you so much and I’m the luckiest man on the planet because you love me too.” Howard finally glanced up, pulling a face and making Jason laugh.
“Someone’s pretty sure of himself,” Jason remarked, arching an eyebrow, and Howard stuck his tongue out at him. “I know a whole week of gigs is exhausting, but we both know you’ll enjoy the buzz. No one loves a show the way you love a show, How. And that’s coming from a man who knows Gary Barlow.” Howard couldn’t help but laugh at that, shaking his head slightly and shooting Jason a resigned look of affection.
“It’s coming from a man who’s the biggest show off I know, more like,” he muttered, lightning blue eyes dancing in challenge. Jason smothered a smile.
“Pot, don’t taunt the kettle,” he warned lightly. Howard grinned, blowing a jokey kiss that Jason playfully pretended to bat away in disgust.
For a moment they slipped into silence. Howard’s eyes slid back down to his phone and he let out a long sigh. It wasn’t that he didn’t love his job, it was just that it had been a while since he’d been expected to go so far away for so long. The first time since their wedding, in fact, that he’d had to go anywhere overnight – he knew that was going to make the feeling of missing Jason even stronger. The quiet was interrupted by the sound of the oven, and Jason jumped gracefully down from the counter to deal with the dinner, shooting a look back at Howard over his shoulder and flashing him a wry smile.
“Come on, Mister DJ – stop being a soppy bastard and accept the fact that you’re the big earner round here. You need to go so that me and you still have a home in a month’s time.” Howard groaned and Jason smirked, rolling his eyes as he continued to busy himself with dinner. “Look, Gaz is out of town next week anyway, which means Mark is going to be round here all hours needing me to keep him and Cadbury distracted so they don’t end up moping like last time.” Jason sighed and turned back to face Howard, folding his arms. “So you see, love, my life is going to go on without you. And yours will go on without me. And when we need to take some downtime from the whole ‘having our own lives’ thing, I hear they have these fancy inventions called phones – they even work in Ireland too.” Howard smiled despite himself, looking at Jason and shaking his head slightly.
“Not that you ever answer yours on the first try,” he pointed out teasingly and Jason raised his eyebrows, amusement shining in his eyes.
“You know, for you I always answer by the third try, though, at least,” he shot back and Howard chuckled; despite Jason’s teasing tone, he knew it was true that – for all Jason was useless with his phone – he always made an effort for him.
“I’ll still miss you,” Howard sighed after a beat, his voice huffy and defeated. Jason offered him a sympathetic smile, pushing himself away from where he was leaning and coming across to the breakfast bar. He stood opposite Howard, leaning forward on his elbows so that the two of them were eye to eye.
“And I’ll miss you too,” he said quietly, genuine sadness touching the corners of his smile even as he shrugged. “But life goes on,” he added, leaning forwards and pressing a kiss to Howard’s lips.
For a second after they parted, neither one of them moved. It didn’t really need to be said that neither one of them was particularly fond of the time or the distance that Howard’s job sometimes put between them. But Jason had always seen Howard’s job as part of who he was, as something he needed to do. And for his part, Howard knew Jason was right; he’d enjoy the week. Despite missing Jason in the quieter moments he knew there was still a unique buzz to being up there in that DJ booth. Jason flashed him a knowing smile – all resignation and affection – and slowly pushed back, turning around to deal with their dinner. Always keeping himself busy, Jason; always moving. In their relationship the whinging usually came from Howard’s side and Howard would be the first to admit it. He supposed part of why they worked so well together was that Jason’s determination and pragmatism stopped him from wallowing, from being the morose creature he had been in some of his darker times in the past, unable to move or see a way out of his problems, usually just ending up making them worse. And Howard, in turn, forced Jason’s emotions out of him when his efforts to plough on despite them threatened to make him implode. Howard gave Jason a safe place to let his cracks show, to admit to his weaknesses and regroup before picking himself up off the floor and ploughing on once more.
Howard blinked in surprise as dinner was set down in front of him, and when he glanced up he saw Jason leaning on the counter opposite him again, his head tilted to one side and a quiet smile on his lips.
“Come on, love. It’s a week, not a life sentence,” he murmured and Howard offered him a lopsided smile.
“I know. I just hate not seeing you at night…hate not being able to come home and just…touch you.” Howard sighed. “Does that sound daft?” Jason reached out his hand, placing it over Howard’s.
“No,” he stated and Howard looked up into his eyes with a grateful smile. “I’ll make you a deal though; a promise.” Howard raised an eyebrow enquiringly and Jason smiled. “You and me? We’re a team. We go off, we do our own things, we argue about it…but we always end up back here. Together.”
***
“Jay’s not at the apartment.” Mark turned immediately from where he’d been counting out a customer’s change, sending several pound coins skittering across the cafe’s counter and causing numerous customers to look up in mild alarm. Gary hardly noticed; he was standing at the end of the counter, hovering just by the ‘Staff Only’ sign, jangling his car keys anxiously.
“You spoke to Howard again?” Mark asked, handing off the change he’d been counting to one of his co-workers and coming over to Gary quickly.
“He called just now; there’s no sign of Jay at their place and Howard sounded pretty convinced Jay didn’t make it home last night either.” Gary sighed heavily, rubbing his eyes. He suddenly felt exhausted and he was grateful when he felt Mark place a comforting hand over his own. “I closed the shop and told him we’d be over right away – you more or less done here?”
“I am now,” Mark replied determinedly and Gary raised a faint smile in response. “How did Howard sound like he was holding up? Did he have any ideas what might be going on?”
“He didn’t sound great, to be honest. You know how him and Jay are; the pair of them are hardwired to know when something is wrong with the other one, it’s like a sixth sense with them. And, honestly, dropping off the face of the earth like this…it’s not like Jay. Someone would know where he was – even if he wanted to get away for a while, you know?”
“I know,” Mark agree quietly, glancing down. “It’s probably just crossed wires though, yeah? Maybe he’s broken down somewhere or…or his phone’s just dead or…” Mark sighed, closing his eyes for a moment before turning back to Laura, who was managing to man the till without him whilst still earwigging on his and Gary’s conversation. “I’m sorry to do this Loz, but something’s come up.” Laura smiled at him gently.
“I heard. Go help Howard look for Jay – your shift was nearly up here anyway and Hannah’s already in to cover.” Mark nodded.
“Cheers. Tell Hannah I owe her.”
“Mark, you’re in a permanent state of shift-debt to that girl! Just go, we can work it out later.”
Once they were out on the street, Mark finally noticed just how stiffly Gary was holding his shoulders. Away from the din of the cafe, the sound of Gary’s keys jangling in his hands suddenly seemed abrasive and sharp and Mark glanced at Gary in concern, trying to suppress his own fear and keep in step with Gary’s purposeful strides. He tried to make lists in his head of all the reasons why Jason wasn’t picking up his phone, all the reasons why he wouldn’t be back at home yet or why he’d skipped work. It wasn’t as if Jason had never taken time out before – he sometimes took himself away from the world, took some time to clear his head and get a little peace. Gary was right, though: he always made sure people knew he was safe. Besides, Jason would never disappear on Howard without a word. Last night Howard’s company had been the only thing he wanted – well, Howard’s company and for Gary to stop messing with the filing system for the songbooks.
Mark flinched as Gary’s keys hit the pavement with a loud clatter, and he blinked bewilderedly for a moment before glancing across at Gary, who had come to an abrupt stop ten paces away from the car. His eyes were closed and he was drawing in a deep, shaky breath and for a terrible moment Mark thought he was going to cry.
“Gaz,” Mark said softly, taking a step closer to him and laying a gentle hand on his arm. “Gaz, it gonna be ok, you know. It’s not even been a whole day – don’t tie yourself in knots, not when we need to try and at least pretend to be positive for Howard’s sake.” Mark stood on tiptoe and placed a whisper of a kiss against Gary’s cheek. “Come on, it can’t be as bad as you think – he’ll be home by the time we get there, telling us all not to be such drama queens.”
“I know, I know I just….in all the time I’ve known him, do you know how many times he’s disappeared without leaving word with anyone?” Gary asked, opening his eyes and looking across at Mark, who shook his head. Gary smiled sadly. “Once. He did it once.” Gary rubbed his hands over his face and let out a small, humourless laugh. “Turned out my answer machine had broken. I didn’t even notice he wasn’t around until three days later – he’d had the week off and you know how bad he can be at answering the phone. Anyway, eventually I phoned his mum and she told me he was at her place. It was something to do with his dad, I never found out exactly what, just that he’d needed to get away. Jay didn’t want to talk about it and I didn’t want to pry.” Gary shrugged. “He doesn’t do vanishing acts without good reason, and even then…he always lets someone know. Trouble with an ex – phone call. Helping a friend – sent his brother round to the shop to explain. Grace got sick at school and Vicky and Howard couldn’t come for her – apologetic text. And are you seriously telling me that, if he bothered letting me know all that stuff, he wouldn’t let Howard know if something had come up?” Gary swallowed and shook his head. “No, Marko. This just feels different.” Mark felt a wave of worry hit him square in the chest and he looked away, blowing out a breath and focusing his attention on a point in the middle distance. For a moment they stood in silence, before Mark drew himself up a little.
“I’ll drive,” he stated firmly, making a quick grab for the car keys before turning back to look at Gary. “There won’t be much traffic this time of day so you’ll probably only have fifteen minutes to catch your breath and find those famous Barlow leadership skills we’ve all come to rely on – but I can drive slow if you think it’ll help, ok?” Mark looked up at Gary steadily, eyebrows raised, and Gary smiled slightly, letting out a hollow chuckle before nodding.
“Ok.” He looked at Mark fondly, looking at the flecks of gold in his wide, round eyes. His face was all soft curves and hope and it calmed him, helped him regain a little of his composure. “Hearing Howard sound so worried…it just rattled me, you know? I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone know Jay as well as he does. So if he’s worried…”
“I know,” Mark agreed quietly, eyes downturned. “But I also know that…if something really bad had happened to Jay – I mean if he wasn’t coming back or…Howard would know. I know Howard would know.”
“Agreed,” Gary said slowly, his brow briefly knitting into a frown. “Maybe that’s exactly what we should be telling Howard right now. No one knows Jay like he does, so if anyone’s going to be able to find him…” Mark smiled slightly, nodding.
“Come on. Let’s go before Howard starts fretting about us too. We’ll put our heads together and we’ll get Jay home.”
***
“Do you think he’s really on the phone to Howard or do you think he’s got bored of us and just given us the slip?” Mark was grinning mischievously up at Gary as the two of them huddled close, attempting to shelter themselves from the biting February air. Gary watched the swirls of mist from their breath drift off into the orange haze of the streetlamps before flicking an idle glance over his shoulder to where Jason was leaning against his car. He was laughing, a lightness settling over him for the first time all day, and Gary chuckled slightly as he turned back to look at Mark.
“That look? That is a ‘Jason Orange Talking To Howard Donald’ look, trust me,” he remarked and Mark laughed, eyes glittering in that wild way of his that always left Gary vaguely dazzled. “Daft beggar thinks I haven’t noticed he’s actually a hopeless romantic underneath all those sly remarks. I have to say, though, if he takes much longer then you and me are going to need to a find a better way to keep warm.” Gary shivered for effect, blowing on his hands, and Mark let out a chuckle, raising his eyebrows suggestively.
“You know, you might want to rephrase that, gorgeous, or I’ll start to worry about your respect for privacy.” Gary shot Mark a playful glare, his pale lips curling into an amused smile despite his best efforts to keep a straight face.
“Keep talking like that and I’ll think you and Howard did a body-swap,” he shot back with a wry smirk. “Get your mind out of the gutter and give me kiss,” he added more softly, making Mark smile as he placed his hands on Gary’s lapels, using them to pull himself up and press a firm kiss against Gary’s lips.
For a moment, Gary forgot where he was, enjoying the feeling of Mark’s arms winding around his neck and the taste of wine on his lips. He buried his hand in the soft waves of his hair, pulling Mark closer and closer to him until finally, reluctantly, they ended the kiss, their foreheads still pressed together and their eyes slowly opening to meet each other’s blurred gazes.
“Alright you two, hands by your sides and get in the car before I change my mind about giving you a lift home.” Jason’s voice effectively severed the moment, a teasing air to his tone that Gary blamed entirely on Howard – one brief conversation with the man and Jason was back to being all challenge and mischief, a magic trick he hadn’t been counting on when he’d let Mark deepen their kiss.
“Do you have to sound so chipper?” Gary asked, all but dropping Mark, who grinned impishly up at him, amused at his sudden shyness.
“I’m not chipper,” Jason dismissed, rolling his eyes, and Gary inclined his head as if in agreement.
“No. You’re Howard Donald-ed. Don’t think I don’t know,” he said, wagging a finger at Jason, raising his eyebrows for emphasis, and Jason laughed, blue eyes aglitter even as he glanced down almost shyly.
“Get in or you can walk home,” he said with a smile, pushing himself up off the car and climbing in.
“Definitely chipper,” Gary stage-whispered, trying to smother his grin when Jason shot him a half-hearted glare and shut his door. Gary and Mark exchanged smirks before following suit and making for Jason’s car, climbing into the backseat just as Jason started the engine.
“He still coming back tomorrow, I take it?” Gary enquired as they pulled out. As the shadows of the car shifted, Jason’s face was illuminated briefly and Gary caught his expression in the mirror; a soft, pink curve of the lips that gave away more than Jason meant it to.
“He should be home tomorrow afternoon. You know How, though. If he sleeps through all three of his alarms and isn’t home ‘til midnight I won’t be surprised.” There wasn’t any trace of annoyance in Jason’s voice, if anything Jason’s tone was affectionate, accepting, and the smile stayed put on his lips.
“You know, Jay, I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Howard has a habit of showing up when he knows he’s coming back to you,” Mark put in and Jason chuckled.
“Well then, Gaz won’t mind when I take the afternoon off will he,” he countered.
“You can take off the morning too if you like – you know as well as I do what Wednesdays are like,” Gary remarked.
“I’m not leaving you with a new delivery of songbooks, no way. I’ll come in and sort the shelves then head out when Howard lets me know what train he’s on,” Jason countered. “What shift are you on at the caff, Mark?”
“Mid-morning ‘til mid-afternoon. No break but I can leave early so I’ll be around. You and Howard should come by – it’s been a while since we did any rehearsals for the band.” Mark glanced hopefully up at Gary who shrugged.
“Fine by me, but do you really think them two will come up for oxygen long enough to care about practicing new material?” he questioned, grinning mischievously at Jason as he caught his eye in the mirror and attempted another glare.
“It’s disturbing the picture you have in your head of my life, you know that, Barlow?” His eyes were sparkling as he said it and Gary chuckled, holding up his hands in mock surrender. “If Howard makes it home on time we’ll stop by the shop around closing time, we can all stay late and practice for a bit then maybe go out for drinks or something. But I won’t be in on Thursday, just so you know.”
“I’m saying nothing,” Gary put in slyly, his eyes twinkling mischievously. Jason shot him another brief look in the mirror.
“My mum’s back from holiday and we said we’d pick her up and go for lunch. And, just to add to the wild time, we need to go and buy a new toaster before the current one makes good on its threat to explode.”
“Yeah, yeah; and that accounts for two hours of the day,” Gary pointed out, chuckling. Jason didn’t make any attempt to shoot him down that time, simply smirking and shaking his head slightly.
“Silence is golden,” Mark sing-songed teasingly and Gary smothered a laugh whilst Jason bit back a grin.
The journey settled into an easy quiet as Jason wound his way through well-worn short-cuts across the city. Really, Gary and Mark’s flat was in the opposite direction to his own apartment near Salford Quays, but he liked the drive and Gary had known his best friend would never let them waste money on a taxi when he was willing and sober enough to do the job for free. The shop was more or less equidistant between their homes, and all their favourite pubs and restaurants were scattered in the same area, but the story was always the same when it came time to go home; Jason and Howard both had a knowledge of Manchester that Gary and Mark couldn’t hope to rival, and it had taken Gary an embarrassingly long time to realise just how out of the way Jason would sometimes drive just to get him home. Still, it’d somehow slipped into the realm of tradition and, since they all lived within twenty minutes of the shop these days it seemed absurd to turn down Jason’s generosity.
It was a clear night, the fifth clear night in a row, and Gary suspected the skies were gearing up for a storm – it was usually the way in Manchester. He stared idly out of the window and pulled Mark a little closer to him, letting the smaller man rest his head on his shoulder and close his eyes. The radio was on quietly in the background – the babble of it lulled Mark to sleep, but in the front seat Jason’s eyes were still bright and alert and Gary glanced over at him thoughtfully, watching him drum an idle beat on the steering wheel as they waited at traffic lights. There was a smile still left on his lips that hadn’t disappeared since the moment he’d seen Howard’s name light up on his phone’s screen, and Gary chuckled quietly to himself as he thought back to when he and Jason had first met, the way the man only seemed to truly relax when he was dancing and the restless energy he carried with him when the dancing came to an end.
“You know, I don’t think you’ve stopped completely baffling me since the day we met,” Gary said softly and Jason briefly glanced at him in the mirror, eyebrows quirked in curiosity.
“I baffled you the day we met?” he queried, amusement in his voice, and Gary laughed.
“You spun on your head. And did a one-handed handstand. As far as I was concerned it was witchcraft,” he joked, making Jason chuckle and shake his head slightly.
“And this is relevant how?”
“Because every now and again you do something to remind me that you’re still the most baffling person I’ve ever met.” Gary grinned mischievously as Jason shot him a half-hearted glare. “I’m just saying that the same man who put that smile on your face with a simple phone call tonight is the same man who drives you up the wall on a daily basis,” he shrugged and Jason laughed softly.
“Now I know you’re not questioning my marriage, Barlow,” he smiled and Gary let out a chuckle.
“Wouldn’t dream of it – give me a little credit!” he said with a grin and Jason suppressed an amused smile as the two of them lapsed back into their companionable silence. Gary turned his gaze back to the window, staring out at the Manchester streets with idle curiosity, studying the buildings they passed and the odd person here or there illuminated in the orange of a street lamp or huddling at a bus shelter.
“I think that’s kind of the point, you know?” Jason’s voice was soft but it still took Gary slightly by surprise, and he glanced back to his friend, eyebrows quirked in curiosity. “About Howard, I mean,” Jason added with a shrug. His eyes were on the road but Gary watched his face carefully, thoughtfully. There was an expression there that was hard to read; thoughtful but not doubting, happy but quiet. “There’s a lot of different reasons why someone is the love of your life. And not all of them are good. Some of them are stupid or downright daft and some don’t even make sense at all. But if they don’t tear you open and bring out every part of you – good and bad, every emotion – then you’re not really giving them everything you have to give. Which means you don’t really have the right to ask for everything back.” Jason’s eyes briefly met Gary’s in the mirror once more and he smiled softly, giving another small shrug and suddenly seeming a little shy. “All in means knowing your own limitations and flaws just as much as theirs. You’re still allowed to moan about it, as long as you know the difference.”
“Know the difference?”
“Between going through the motions for the sake of being in a relationship or going through the stupid, annoying, downright daft stuff because what you get at the end of it is something better, something more important than all those stupid things.” Jason’s face was half in shadow, but his eyes were still bright in the darkness. “We challenge each other because we believe in each other enough to know where the limits are. And we make promises because both of us know the other will keep them. I ask for everything from Howard and I don’t pretend I need anything less than that. The point is: he gets everything back.”
***
Howard rubbed his hands over his face, forcing himself to breathe slowly and trying to take a moment to quiet his mind. He was standing by the vast windows, watching the patterns the raindrops were making across the glass; the city beyond was blurred and the sky above was a tumultuous grey, but Howard found it oddly comforting how the weather seemed to match his mood. He could feel those same patterns of raindrops tracing their way across his heart in silvery lines, tightening slowly, but he couldn’t bring himself to step away from the windows, as though some part of him thought he could keep watch for Jason from his vantage point above the city. He hoped Jason had found himself a spot in the city with large windows – it was an absurd thought but he couldn’t shake it. Jason couldn’t abide dark spaces, and something about the light and the view calmed him. Howard knew. He blew out a sharp breath and stood a little taller, pulling his phone from his pocket once more and redialling Jason’s number – every half hour he repeated the ritual before turning his focus back to calling friends and family, then the hospitals, then turning on the local news. There was still no sign, no word and no explanation and it took everything Howard had to not imagine the worst case scenarios for how Jason could simply vanish. And yet were any of those worse case scenarios worse than the thought that he had left intentionally? Howard quickly shook the idea away. He knew Jason better than that – he had more faith in him than that.
By the time Gary and Mark arrived at the apartment, Howard had run out of people to phone, and though he tried to hide the anxious edge from his voice he knew he wasn’t fooling either of his friends. The four of them were like brothers and they fell easily into their roles without having to really think about it: Mark clapped his hands together and went to make everyone tea, Gary called around a few stray family members and friends who Howard hadn’t been able to reach and Howard ventured out into the rain, walking around the surrounding streets in the desperate hope of seeing Jason, or even just his car. When he returned, Mark and Gary were both bent forwards slightly, engaged in a hushed, solemn conversation, but Howard didn’t need to hear to know what they were discussing. Cadbury bounded up to greet him and he focused intently on the dog, bending down to scratch him behind his eyes and deliberately avoiding looking over at Mark and Gary, even when he became aware of them both watching him nervously from across the room.
“I know what you’re going to say,” Howard stated at last, his voice oddly even considering the knot that had formed in his chest. He still looked only at Cadbury; he was sure that if he looked at Mark and Gary’s worried faces he would crumble immediately, and he was desperate to keep his resolve. He swallowed hard and stood up, closing his eyes for a moment and taking a deep breath. “We should phone the police,” he whispered. For a moment no one spoke, no one moved. “We have to. Because this isn’t like Jay and we all know it.” Gary winced slightly and glanced out of the window and Mark bit his lip. Howard sighed.
“You don’t have to do it, How. One of us can,” Gary offered limply and Howard laughed a humourless laugh, shaking his head.
“And how would that look? No. I’ll call. You and Mark just pray they take this seriously – because if we can’t convince them that this isn’t like Jay, then what hope do we have of convincing anybody? And I need something better to tell Grace than ‘Sorry sweetheart but Jay ran away’ – Jay deserves better than that and so does she.”
“And so do you,” Mark said softly. Howard looked down at his hands.
“Everything for everything – that’s your deal, right?” Gary asked gently and Howard looked over at him in surprise. Gary offered him a quiet smile.
“He’s not as guarded as he thinks. Not these days, anyway,” he explained before his expression sobered slightly. “Make the call. It won’t make you feel much better but it’s something to do,” he offered and Howard nodded before reluctantly pulling out his phone.
***
Jason winced and curled his hand closer to his chest, closing his eyes for a moment and trying to ignore the stinging pain of the cut which ran across his palm. He pulled his knees up, folding himself to fit into as small a space as possible. Outside, rain was falling steadily and he watched it through the tiny window, a solemn, distant look on his face, his eyes tracing the subtle shift from day to night, the pale grey sky growing darker, the orange of streetlamps bleeding out into the encroaching night. Howard would be back by now – the thought came to him without warning, jarring him and almost breaking his resolve. He flinched, blinking quickly and looking away, his eyes scanning the dim room for something else to focus his attention. For a moment it was the frayed edge of the tatty, patchwork throw that lay across the bed, then the small, l-shaped scratch on the door to the bathroom. Then slowly his eyes returned to the window. Cautiously he got to his feet, crossing the room and walking to the window, finding something soothing about the sound of the rain on the glass and the patterns the raindrops made as they cast shadows across the room. He reached out for the latch on the window, testing it gingerly, but a shock of pain went through his injured hand and he flinched back from it with a frustrated sigh. He crumpled slightly, lowering himself into the armchair which sat beneath the window and curling his legs up underneath him. He touched his fingers to the cold glass and traced absently at the tracks of the raindrops. The previous night suddenly seemed like a very long time ago. Home seemed even further – he was sure he dimly recognised the area outside the window, it couldn’t be more than fifteen minutes by car. But it was a world away. Jason closed his eyes and tried to focus, tried to pull himself inside his daydreams and let them engulf him; Mark laughing sleepily, Gary joking from the backseat of the car, Howard’s voice down the line telling him he’d be home by two. An odd calmness was restored to him in that moment, as he focused on Howard’s voice, the way he teased and flirted, the sound of his sigh as he said he had missed him. Jason felt that familiar stubbornness returning to him, the fight that had helped him so many times before somehow bolstered by the simple thought of his name on Howard’s lips. He was always there, somewhere, at the back of Jason’s mind – ready to be called up when he needed him. Jason smiled sadly and squeezed his eyes more tightly shut. He’d spend his whole life imagining the sound of that voice murmuring his name if he had to – anything to keep what little fight he had left in him there.
***
Mark looked up from biting his nails, glancing at Gary with eyebrows raised as Howard hung up the phone. Gary shrugged awkwardly, his gaze staying on Howard as he shifted nervously on the sofa. Howard had retreated to the kitchen to make the call, and for a moment he stayed there, staring into the middle distance, his forehead creased and his piercing blue eyes steely but still somehow absent. After a moment he took in a deep breath and drew himself up, coming back over into the living room.
“What did they say?” Mark asked tentatively, returning to his nail biting as Howard slowly sat down in the armchair.
“They asked who we’d called, who saw him last, when, what his state of mind was, what his routine is. Stuff you’d expect them to ask, I s’pose. They’re going to send someone over to take a report and make a few preliminary checks and ask us some questions.” Howard let out a sharp, hollow laugh. “She made sure to point out there wasn’t much they could do if a grown man decided he didn’t want to be found – without any proof something happened to him, they just treat it as low priority, you know?” Howard swallowed, running his hands over his face tiredly. “I can’t decide if I’d rather they didn’t find anything suspicious or that they did,” he huffed, glancing at Gary and Mark, who both quickly looked down. “I mean, if they don’t…then what? He skipped town and didn’t tell any of us? But if they do and something’s happened to him…” Howard’s face creased with worry once more and he shook his head as if to dispense with the thought. “An officer will be over in an hour or so. You two should stay here so they can talk to you.” Gary and Mark simply nodded, and the three men fell into an odd silence that stretched out for miles between them. None of them could seem to look at each other, and Cadbury seemed to sense the tension, clumsily getting to his feet and padding over to Howard, who petted him absently, closing his eyes tightly and listening to the steady patter of the rain.
It was almost a relief when the police officer finally did knock on the door, the sound breaking through the stilted chatter that they had forced when the silence had become unbearable. But any relief they allowed themselves to feel was short-lived as the officer made his way inside, the realisation of the questions and answers to come – and the possibility of being told there was little the police could do – finally hitting them and filling them all with anxiety. The officer was tall and kind-faced, a sleek curtain of dark hair falling across his forehead. There was a tight but sympathetic smile on his impossibly symmetrical face, enviably high cheekbones catching the shadows of the room; he was young but there was something strangely reassuring about his brown eyes that calmed Mark a little as they shook hands and exchanged greetings. Howard moved away as the officer turned his attention to Mark and Gary, heading for the kitchen to busy himself making tea. The officer thanked Howard softly before glancing back to Mark and Gary, offering them a polite smile before he sat himself down in the armchair, turning himself slightly to face them.
“Officer,” Gary nodded awkwardly and the officer looked up at him with his warm brown eyes, offering another smile, this one a little brighter.
“Please, you can call me Adam,” he assured gently, producing a notebook and pen from his jacket. “Now, you two were the last to see Jason, his husband tells me?” He had a gentle Scottish lilt to his accent and his voice was soft and soothing – Mark wondered, briefly, if it was the reason he was assigned to this job in particular or if they had just got the luck of the draw.
“Last night. He came out for drinks with us…Howard was working away so we were helping Jay pass an hour or so before he came home today.” Gary shrugged a little helplessly. “He dropped us off at home about nine – we’re only about a half hour’s drive from here, he should’ve been home in no time.”
“And before you ask he hadn’t been drinking. He never does when he’s driving home,” Mark put in. Adam offered another of his small smiles.
“Ok, if I can just ask for a few more details then,” he said, scribbling something in his notebook before looking back up. “Let’s start with how Jason seemed when you were out with him – and the name of the pub would be helpful, so we can check with them to see if he went back there for any reason.”
From the kitchen Howard watched Mark and Gary answer the officer’s questions, his eyes not really on what he was doing but still somehow managing to get the kettle on to boil. He couldn’t judge what exactly the officer was thinking; the smile on his face was full of sympathy and understanding, but that could well all be training, and underneath he could be dying to get out of there, could be thinking there were more worthwhile jobs he could be called to, the whole time not realising just now unlike Jason this whole situation was. Something was wrong and Howard knew it, but as much as he hated to admit it, he also knew that the police needed more to go on than Howard’s intuition, even if his intuition was nearly always right when it came to his husband.
Once the officer had asked all of his questions of Mark and Gary, he turned his attention to Howard, who talked softly and slowly as he answered, keeping his eyes trained on a point in the middle distance as he talked about his and Jason’s life together, their interactions over the past few weeks and outlined where he’d been in the time since Jason was last seen, the whole time fighting to keep his voice steady. The one thing that reassured him was that – when he dared risk a glance at Adam – he could see his expression slowly changing, his brow beginning to knit together slightly as though his mind were already trying to solve the puzzle. Maybe there was hope that Jason’s case would be treated as something more than just another lost soul choosing to leave his life behind, maybe there was a chance that Howard, Mark and Gary weren’t the only people who believed in Jason after all.
“You said the apartment looked untouched when you got here today?” Adam’s soft Scottish timbre cut through Howard’s thoughts and he finally looked up and met the officer’s eyes directly.
“I know he hadn’t been here. Jay’s neat but…this is home, you know? If he’d been here I would’ve known.” Adam nodded carefully, glancing down at his notes and barely managing to disguise a slight wince as he drew in a deep breath.
“Listen, I know this is difficult – but would it be ok if I took a look around? I just need to see if there’s anything that might help us track Jason down, ok? And if you’ll let me look around the apartment, afterwards I’ll do a look around the building, speak to the building manager and try and get a hold of the CCTV from the front entrance. If we can get a clear picture of whether or not he did come back here last night then we can get a better idea of where to start looking. Is that alright with you, Howard?” For a moment Howard sat there, staring out of the window, not sure if ‘alright’ was a term he would remotely want to use for how he felt. But eventually he nodded, swallowed the lump in his throat and looked back at Adam.
“Yeah. Do whatever you need to do.”
As Howard had expected, there were no real clues to be found inside the apartment. Jason’s phone and car keys were both conspicuously absent, as was his satchel – the officer added those details to his notes before stepping outside to call back to the station and begin his inspection of the building. Once more an uncomfortable silence fell on the group, all of them staring into space, lost in their own thoughts. Mark tapped out a soft rhythm against his empty mug as he looked down into it, his expression blank. Gary closed his eyes and listened to the rain. “I would know if-” Howard’s voice broke the peace abruptly, but he cut himself off with equal suddenness, quickly turning his head and looking pointedly away from Mark and Gary, who had both turned to watch him with equal parts anxiety and sympathy. “I would know,” Howard repeated more quietly. Gary patted his arm.
“He’ll be home before you know it, Howard. Whatever’s happened, it’ll clear up in no time and he’ll be home.” He was impressed by the conviction in his own voice, and when he glanced across he saw Mark looking at him hopefully and offered him a tight smile. “It’ll all be fine,” he murmured. Even if he didn’t feel it, he wanted to keep saying it, as if saying it enough times might make it true. Mark smiled back at him, reaching across and squeezing his hand.
As they waited for the officer to return, Gary couldn’t help but notice Howard’s restlessness; every sound seemed to provoke a flash of hope in him that jolted through his whole body before immediately evaporating almost as suddenly as it had arrived. A sound as small as a raindrop hitting the window abnormally hard could trigger almost as much of a reaction from him as the phone ringing – his senses seemed to suddenly be more finely tuned, as though he was acutely aware of the volume of the silence that had engulfed them and could sense the vibration of every sound right down to his bones.
“That officer ought to have been back by now,” Howard muttered after half an hour had passed. There was a pained expression on his face, as though it was taking extreme willpower for him to not go charging out of the apartment, hunt down Officer Adam and demand answers immediately. “If there was nothing to find it would’ve taken him ten minutes and he’d back here full of apologies, tripping over himself to get back to the station and away,” he added, glancing up at Gary, who nodded reluctantly. There was no point lying to Howard, he wasn’t stupid and this wasn’t really a time for empty placation.
“Maybe he’s talking to people,” Mark suggested quietly. “Asking if they heard anything, or checking if Jay’s with someone in the building or something,” he added, not looking at either of them and instead focusing all his attention on Cadbury, who licked his nose in what Mark suspected was the puppy’s idea of a comforting gesture.
“I don’t think they’d start knocking on doors unless they found something. Something’s going on down there, I can feel it,” Howard said. He glanced over his shoulder at the windows, staring out for a moment, seemingly locked in some internal debate. Eventually he got to his feet and crossed over to the windows, peering down at the street below “There’s a second police car down there now,” he said softly after a minute and Mark and Gary exchanged anxious looks. “Jenny said she was going to call again on the hour – could you talk to her for me, Gaz? I don’t know how to tell her what’s happening and I…I’ve still got to talk to Grace at some point so I could just…I could use the help.”
“Of course, mate. Whatever you need.”
It wasn’t until an hour had passed that a careful knock sounded on the apartment door. Gary had just hung up from talking to Jenny Orange, and Howard was still by the windows, so it fell to Mark to answer the door. He scrambled to his feet quickly, relieved to finally be of some use, and Cadbury trotted after him obediently. Mark couldn’t help but smile slightly, quickly reaching down to scoop the puppy up into his arms before he opened the door.
As Mark juggled Cadbury precariously and pulled open the front door, Howard turned from the windows. Standing outside the apartment were two officers – a man and a woman – the same politely sympathetic smiles fixed on their faces as Officer Adam had had before. For a second they cast their eyes around each of the trio before the woman seemed to take the decision to take charge.
“Hi, I’m Officer Barnes and this is Officer Mundy – we believe our colleague was here earlier to ask you some questions about a missing persons case?”
“Did he find something?” Howard asked, coming over to the door. Officer Barnes and Officer Mundy exchanged glances.
“Would it be ok for us to come in, sir?” Officer Barnes asked. She had an unusual face – sloping but pretty with large, round eyes that had a certain kindliness to them. She was petite but there was something motherly about her and Howard offered her a small smile.
“Call me Howard – I’m Jay’s husband. Come in.” Officer Barnes smiled.
“My name’s Kathryn, and this is Ben,” she said, nodding her head to her colleague, who looked impossibly young and far too sweet for the police force, in Howard’s opinion. His eyes were large, brown and starry, his skin pale and his dark hair standing at all angles, clearly having been attacked by the wind which was getting up outside. As the two stepped inside, Gary came over to join them by the door, placing a comforting hand on the small of Mark’s back and nodding politely at the two officers. “Ben and I are actually liaisons officers, and our colleagues called us down here because it was felt your husband’s case was more serious than initially expected.” Officer Barnes seemed to wince slightly at her own words, tucking a flyaway strand of chestnut hair back into place and taking a breath. “You have to understand, adult missing persons cases are extremely difficult to judge – people have free will and they can and do choose to go missing sometimes and we have to treat things on a case-by-case basis.” Howard offered her a small, sad smile.
“It’s ok. I understand. And I know everyone thinks that they know best and it’s not like that person…but I swear to you, this is not who Jay is.” Officer Barnes smiled and nodded and Howard nodded back, feeling they had reached an understanding. “Maybe we should sit down. I’m guessing they didn’t send liaisons officers to fill us in on missing persons statistics,” he added grimly, and so the group moved over to the sofa, Gary taking the armchair and Mark balancing himself next to him on the arm.
As soon as the officers had sat themselves down, Cadbury made a break for freedom from Mark’s grasp, making a beeline for Officer Mundy, his tail wagging. Officer Barnes chuckled slightly and rolled her eyes.
“It’s the same everywhere we go. Puppies all love Ben – I think they think he’s one of them,” she explained, and Officer Mundy glanced up with a smile that was half-apologetic and half-amused. Howard even managed a smile, shaking his head slightly.
“Sorry,” Officer Mundy shrugged, still scratching Cadbury behind the ears nonetheless. Looking at him, Gary was struck by just how young he looked; it was more than just the wideness of his eyes and his open smile – there was a rounded sweetness to his face, a twinkling to his smile. Seeming to sense Gary’s thought’s, Officer Mundy shrugged again, more uncomfortably this time. “I only just got put on liaisons – Kathryn is my supervisor,” he said simply before suddenly sitting up a little straighter and glancing over at Howard. “Look, Kathryn and I are about to give you a lot of information, and we’re going to try and fill you in as best we can with what our colleagues are doing to help find your husband, but you’re free to ask to stop or take a break at any time. We’ll endeavour to answer any questions you might have about what we’re doing or how we’re doing it, but you’re just as free to tell us when you would rather not hear about any aspect, ok?” Officer Mundy glanced between his supervisor and Howard, offering another tentative smile. “Our job is essentially to keep you as informed as possible, but also to make sure you’re as comfortable as you can be with everything going on.” Howard nodded slowly, blowing out a breath and leaning forwards to rest his elbows on his knees. His blue eyes were bright and intense, but he kept them trained on the blank TV screen as though looking anywhere else might risk him completely falling apart.
“I want to know. Everything you know I want to know…even the stuff I don’t want to know, I want to know it. If that makes sense.” It was Officer Barnes’ turn to offer the understanding nod and smile.
“Absolutely,” she said softly. “As you know, my colleague you spoke to earlier went to look around your building and speak to your building manager. He was able to view the CCTV from last night immediately – the building manager was able to ID Jason on the footage. He arrived at the building last night around twenty to ten. He was alone when he came in through the main entrance and he initially headed for the lifts. The cameras in the entryway only cover the main entrance, inside and out – your husband appears to react to something and he moves towards the stairs…that’s the last picture we have of him.”
“The stairs are out of sight of the cameras,” Howard murmured. Officer Barnes nodded.
“Yes. He doesn’t appear on the cameras again. Because of that, our colleague – Officer Lake – then went to inspect the area around the stairs. He couldn’t see anything unusual on the staircase but he did notice that the building’s rear fire exit hadn’t been closed properly.”
“Some people on the lower floors leave it open sometimes coz it’s quicker for them to get from their cars to their apartments the back way,” Howard put in, a frown creasing his face. “If you’re worrying about the fire door, that means he found something else there,” he added, looking at the officers uneasily. Officer Mundy glanced down awkwardly, but Officer Barnes offered another cautious smile, nodding slowly.
“He found a phone on the ground by the path. The screen was cracked but the phone was still working…Ben, could you…” Officer Barnes made a gesture with her hand and Officer Mundy quickly opened up one of his pockets, pulling out an evidence bag containing a phone and handing it over. Officer Barnes held out the phone to Howard. It was in bad shape, having clearly caught a little of the rain, and as well as the badly cracked screen, there were scratches and smears of dirt all over it from lying outside for so long. Officer Barnes pressed the home button gently through the bag and the screen lit up. Missed call and message notifications filled most of the screen, but just behind Howard could make out the photograph he knew was Jason’s phone’s wallpaper – a picture of the two of them sitting on the stairs at Barlow’s, both laughing, Jason’s arm out about to give Howard a firm shove. Howard closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. “This was found by the fire door. Not far from that a bag was found – we didn’t find anything of note inside, but it matches the bag that Jason was carrying when he was last seen.” Howard nodded, swallowing hard but finding the action didn’t quite clear the lump in his throat as effectively as he’d hoped. Officer Barnes’ own expression seemed pained and when Howard glanced up at her he knew there was more. He sighed.
“What else?” he asked in a small voice that somehow didn’t sound like his own. Officer Barnes nodded, taking a moment to choose her words, looking down at her hands before bringing her gaze back up to Howard, making a great effort to keep her look steady and calm and her tone even.
“Officer Lake also found a small amount blood – some on the door and some on the path. As terrible as I know that sounds, I need you to keep in mind that this is no more blood than if you got a graze or a scratch; there’s a sharp edge on the door and our suspicion is that someone cut themselves on it by accident. The blood on the path is just as small and could be from an entirely different person, but under the circumstances we’re not ruling out that it could be related to your husband’s disappearance. I know this is difficult to hear, but we will need something of Jason’s so that we can compare the DNA. A forensics unit has been called to come and deal with all of this and they’ll be here soon, as long as you agree.” Howard closed his eyes and squeezed them shut, but he nodded all the same.
“Of course. Whatever you need you can take,” he whispered. “His stuff is all in the bathroom…mine’s still packed from work.” Officer Barnes nodded and looked over at Officer Mundy, who quickly got to his feet and moved away, leaving the apartment as quietly as possible. Bewildered as he was by everything he’d just heard, Gary didn’t think to question where he was going or why. He glanced up at Mark, whose face was pale and subdued – a foreign look on him – and he reached up to rub his back soothingly.
“So what happens now?” Gary asked carefully, flicking a quick glance across at Howard, whose eyes were still closed as he sat with his head bent, eerily still – Howard was so rarely still, always fidgeting and fiddling with his hands, it was strange to see him without that constant movement.
“Well, there was no sign of any keys on the stairs or outside the fire door, and of course his car is still missing as well. We’ve taken the details down and put the registration into our national computer, so if his car does turn up anywhere we will have a really good chance of officers being able to pull it over and see who’s driving. Officer Lake is still talking to people in your building, but when we arrived he’d already spoken to the people in the first and second floor apartments – around ten last night they heard a raised voices, but it was brief so none of them went outside to check on it. It gives us a timeline to work with at least and that will help. There is one more difficult thing I will have to ask of the three of you-”
“Let me guess, you need to make sure we all were where we say we were?” Howard interrupted softly. He didn’t sound angry, just resigned and sad. Gary glanced down and Mark winced. “It’s ok. I get it. The husband, the last people to see him – I don’t like it but I have nothing to hide. And I’d trust these two with my life.” Howard looked over at Officer Barnes and shrugged. “You do what you have to do. If it helps find Jay as soon as possible? I’ll do it. Nothing is more important to me than having him home.”
***
Two weeks. Howard had never known how long two weeks could feel before, and he had never known two weeks where he had slept less or needed his energy more. He spent his nights jumping at shadows, overly aware of all the unoccupied space that surrounded him and constantly hearing sounds that weren’t there. He thought he heard Jason sometimes; his voice in a crowd, the sound of him closing a cupboard in the kitchen, the rustle of the duvet beside him. He was wrong every time. It was impossible for him to relax, to let himself drift off to sleep; his body was constantly on alert, waiting for a sound that never seemed to come. The silence roared in his ears at night. The raindrops played tricks on him, shifting shadows and hitting the glass late at night, just when he’d finally found sleep, bringing him out of it immediately and filling him with brief rushes of false hope. It was exhausting. But as tired as he felt, it was impossible to stop it – his body ached but it wouldn’t give up, his muscles constantly tensed and his mind always racing.
It hadn’t taken long for the police to confirm that the blood they had found was Jason’s. But that had been the only news since the day Jason had vanished – Officer Barnes and Officer Mundy both kept in constant contact, but more often than not all they had to say was that there was nothing they could tell him. Howard wanted so badly to stop himself hoping but he couldn’t. Jason had always said he loved his stubborn streak – maybe that was the thought that kept Howard going, he wasn’t sure. He knew Mark and Gary were worried about him but he couldn’t bring himself to try to reassure them; he didn’t have time to worry about himself when he was worrying for Jason, and they were so worried for Jason that they didn’t have the energy to press him too much for his thoughts and feelings. They knew him well enough to not really need to ask, and they were as aware of his stubborn streak as Jason was.
The closest he’d come to cracking under the strain was telling Grace. He’d called Vicky the morning after Jason had disappeared, the two of them spending the better part of two hours discussing everything that Howard knew and didn’t know before entering into the long and complicated conversation about how much to tell Grace and how to tell it to her. In the end their back and forth had been irrelevant; Grace wouldn’t be talked down to. She’d known something was wrong – it had to be for him to turn up unexpectedly at her mum’s on a school night – and she’d been antsy but determined before he and Vicky had even managed to get her sitting down. She’d been upset but defiant throughout their carefully worded explanations, and when she sensed she wasn’t being told everything her upset had almost entirely melted away, turning to anger as she insisted – despite her mum’s protests – she hear everything. Oddly it was his daughter’s cross, stormy expression as she demanded answers that had revived the fight in Howard. She’d sniffled a little but tried to be strong when he eventually explained what the police had found and she’d insisted on staying with him for a week; he and Vicky had decided a long time ago to include her in big decisions and they let her do what she felt she needed to do with very little argument, but after the week was up they had insisted she try to go back to normal. Howard had known how laughable an idea it was but he couldn’t keep Grace locked in the same unhealthy cycle he was locked in and he had stood by the decision, even when Grace protested. He did know she’d been wearing her ring on a chain under her uniform at school though, and he reminded himself to thank Jason for making sure they added that particular gesture to their wedding – when Jason came home, of course. And he would come home.
With Grace going back to her mum’s, it was Mark and Gary who seemed to have decided to make it their job to keep him company now, to force him out of the apartment from time to time and attempt to stop him from driving himself crazy. They were almost as shaken as he was, of course, and the shop had been closed almost every day since the day after Jason had first gone missing, though Dawn, understanding as she was, had opened up a few times, calling it an unpaid favour and insisting they didn’t need to worry about making it up to her. She loved Jason too, after all. Even despite their avoidance of the shop, Howard could tell that Mark and Gary were slowly starting to find a way of pushing through their fear and sadness, were starting to emerge out of the other side of the strangeness into a new version of normal which they could just about cope with. He envied them that. He supposed it was different for them; they didn’t have to listen to the silence every night, they had each other to fall back on. They may have had their sleepless nights, but they could keep each other company during them at least. Howard was sure they still must have slept more than he had these past two weeks. It wasn’t as if he was incapable of falling asleep without Jason in the bed next to him – he managed it when his gigs took him away from home – but it still wasn’t the same. If he couldn’t sleep, he’d phone Jason and the two of them would talk until one or the other of them drifted off. Then other nights he’d let exhaustion just take over; he’d notice the space in the bed and sometimes he’d find it hard to get comfortable without Jason to pull closer and curl around, but there was always the promise that – if he just got through the night – Jason would be there again soon. Certainty and promises were his and Jason’s currency, the understanding that their relationship worked around – the not knowing was foreign and unsettling and it pervaded everything around Howard constantly.
The rain had stopped half an hour ago and the apartment had settled into the now-familiarly loud silence that drove Howard mad. He huffed out a breath and pushed the covers back, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling for a moment, carefully keeping his eyes away from the empty pillow beside him. He’d made not crying into an art form; everyone around him seemed to be waiting for the moment when he broke down and lost it, but for whatever reason the tears were never there, even when he felt that painful lump in this throat. But there was no need to try and force them out – he kept his eyes distracted, found strange details to focus on to keep his mind preoccupied. Tonight it was the speckled patterns of shadow that the raindrops on the window were casting on the bedroom ceiling. But after five minutes he felt himself growing restless and he let out a frustrated sigh before suddenly pushing himself up from the bed. He needed to be doing something, needed to find a task to focus on so that the silence – or worse, the memories – didn’t play on his mind.
He padded down the corridor, the space seeming strangely cavernous now that he was the only one occupying it. Raindrops glinted on the vast living room windows, lights dancing off them from outside; blue, red, orange and gold blurs that were both shapeless and distant, signs of a world carrying on around him whilst he stood, trapped and slowly suffocating. He wondered, idly, when the last time he had dreamed had been – he didn’t know where the thought came from but he stilled for a moment as he tried to remember. Why was his subconscious so content to taunt him with a mixture of memories and false hopes when he was awake, but offer no dreams of Jason to tempt him to sleep more deeply? He clenched his jaw and closed his eyes, agitation sparking inside him, though he wasn’t entirely sure why. He didn’t enjoy all this falling apart; hated the pitying looks it won him and all the offers to talk. He didn’t want to talk, he just wanted Jason. Wanted to see the flash of his eyes when he sensed a challenge, hear that lazy laugh of his when the four of them were at the shop messing around. He’d cry if he saw Jason, he thought. Jason wouldn’t look at him in that dreadful, pitying way; he’d smile quietly in that knowing way of his, probably muster some soft tease or a sweet kiss. He took a deep breath at the thought, a slight catch in his throat but still no tears. Just more raindrops on the windows as the rain started up once more outside. God he missed having someone who understood him so instinctively that words weren’t necessary, because aside from Mark and Gary he was beginning to feel like no one understood him. Jason’s family certainly didn’t: he could feel their growing agitation with him and it bothered him immensely, unsure what it was they wanted from him, why his steely belief in Jason didn’t seem to answer their questions the way they wanted.
He shook his head and quickly forced himself to move, remembering why he’d been so intent upon finding a task before. He didn’t like the way his mind would roam through all his worst thoughts when he stayed still for too long. Almost without thinking, he headed to the kitchen, moving on autopilot around the small space as he began to make himself a sandwich. It wasn’t that he hadn’t been eating, but he had been forgetting to eat and putting off making the effort until odd times of the night. Whilst everyone else found a new normal, Howard stubbornly refused routine and he supposed it was just one more, tiny act of defiance. He imagined Jason, rolling his eyes and smiling fondly: ‘DJ’s hours – what am I going to do with you, eh? Give over, come here, I’ll make that, you go sit down’ he’d mutter with a laugh, pushing Howard gently away but letting him kiss his temple as their paths crossed.
He glanced at the noticeboard, studying the small calendar that Jason kept there and trying to get his head around what day of the week it was, trying to make sense of the blur that everything had become. Gary and Mark were going back to the shop tomorrow and they’d invited Howard to come too – he wanted to try, to make the effort and find some small piece of comfort in their friendship, but Howard found it hard to focus on anything but trying to keep breathing in and out.
He wasn’t sure if it was his wandering mind or his natural ability to make a mess that made the knife slip from his hands, but the clatter it landed with made him flinch as it echoed through the empty apartment, seeming to bounce off every surface. It landed on the breakfast bar, leaving a smear of butter across the polished surface. And Howard stilled, staring down at it, wanting desperately to move, blink, find a distraction but not able to break out of his stupor.
“Fuck,” he choked out, the sound a half-sob though still no tears fell. The memory bubbled up, un-asked for and unwanted, and he couldn’t push it down, even as he squeezed his eyes shut and focused on the drum of raindrops on the windows.
***
“Howard, what part of no are you not following?” Jason snapped, slamming the knife he was holding down against the breakfast bar and leaving a smudge of butter across the surface. Howard winced at the sound but Jason’s eyes were bright and determined and he didn’t waver. “I’m not going, ok? You can’t make me, there’s no reason for you to want to make me, discussion over.” He folded his arms and looked at Howard expectantly, clearly wanting him to do the sensible thing – the right thing – and back down and apologise. But Howard was every bit as stubborn and proud as Jason and that part of him wouldn’t let him back down. It was their first real row for months but Howard couldn’t seem to bring himself to pull it back. Neither one of them wanted to argue, not really. But they weren’t built to meekly nod and smile and sometimes it would bubble over into a blazing row that did nothing to change how they felt about each other but still left a slightly bitter taste in their mouths. It was who they were and they accepted it about each other, not that that ever made it easier to take when it was happening.
“I don’t understand why you’re being so stubborn about something that isn’t even that big of a deal. Neither one of us likes it when I have to go away for one night, never mind six – so why not come with me? What possible objection can you have or are you just overthinking everything, as usual?” Howard demanded, surprised by the force of his own voice. Jason’s blue eyes glinted with something – hurt, Howard thought guiltily – and he stood a little taller, a muscle in his cheek twitching as he forced down whatever instinctively biting remark had come to his mind, trying to keep the moral high ground.
“I have a job too, you know,” he said at last, his teeth still gritted and his voice low. Howard let out a bark of a laugh, but regretted it immediately, knowing it was harsh and cruel and hating that they were so good at getting to each other at times like this. The price of knowing each other as well as they did was that – when they fought – they knew all their weaknesses and had to suppress their battle instincts to avoid crossing the line and poking at the wrong soft spot.
“Jay, Gaz would give you the time off and you know it – how many holidays and sick days do you have in the bank with him anyway?! This job pays better for those six days than yours does for six weeks, we’ll cope and so will Barlow’s.” Jason’s body tensed and he shook his head frustratedly, staring up at the ceiling for a moment. Howard could see him fighting to keep his calm and he deflated slightly. “Jay-”
“No. No, How. Please don’t.” Jason’s voice was quiet but steady and he slowly turned his gaze back to Howard, looking at him carefully, eyes shining. “Why are you making me fight over this with you? Why is this the battle you want to pick? We both know you can go weeks at a time without a gig – we get plenty of time together then; six days, six weeks, longer. And in that time, my job is the only one bringing money in. So I would like to carry on doing whatever it is I can to keep it, ok?” He looked at Howard imploringly, and when Howard simply looked down instead of offering an immediate retort he let out a heavy sigh, leaning against the breakfast bar and rubbing his hands over his face. “Look: you go, you earn your keep. And when you come back I will still love you, for my sins. You already have everything I have to give, Howard, you know? So, I’m sorry if I don’t want to give you these six days as well.” Howard looked up, opening his mouth to speak, about to put an end to the fight and apologize, not even knowing what he was fighting for anymore anyway. But then Jason surprised him by letting out a soft, tired chuckle, glancing up at him with a wry smile. “How, what are we doing?” he asked, eyes sparkling, and Howard stared at him for a moment before letting out a soft laugh of his own, shaking his head slightly. He touched a hand to Jason’s cheek, brushing his fingertips across his skin and watching with a fond smile as his eyes briefly fluttered closed. When they opened again they met his immediately. It felt good. “Seriously, of all the things to have a domestic about, this is what we pick?” Jason smiled. “We’re a psychology experiment waiting to happen, you know that?” he added and Howard grinned, leaning in and pressing a kiss to his forehead.
“Will you shut up already, Orange? I’m trying to fight with you here,” he murmured against his skin, and Jason swotted at him half-heartedly, smirking despite himself.
“How about you stop trying to fight with me when I’m trying to make you smile?” he countered and Howard pulled a face.
“Now you see, that sounds like a whole other fight right there,” he said playfully, ducking away when Jason tried to smack him lightly on the arm. He leant back against the breakfast bar, placing his hands across it and waggling his fingers enticingly, and with slight roll of his eyes and a smile, Jason obligingly placed his hands in Howard’s, clasping them tightly. “I’m sorry I’m a tit, ok?” Howard said gently.
“It’s my fault: I married you,” Jason smirked, pushing himself forwards to capture a quick kiss that Howard smiled into gratefully. “For what it’s worth I still love you. Despite it and because of it, more fool me,” he added with a half-shrug. “I love that you’re stubborn, even if it does drive me crazy. Just maybe pick a different battle next time, ok?”
“Ok, deal” Howard chuckled. “Would it help if I agreed to be a little bit less of tit in future?”
“It’d be a good start,” Jason smiled in reply, eyes suddenly dancing with mischief, and Howard sensed an opportunity to steal another kiss, this one deeper, and Jason let him without protest. When they pulled back, Howard kept their faces close, watching contentedly as Jason’s eyes reopened and focused back on his own.
“Am I forgiven now?” he asked and Jason’s lips twisted into a lopsided smile that he tried and failed to smother.
“You’re not fighting fair now, love,” he pointed out and Howard waggled his eyebrows, coaxing out a soft laugh from Jason. “You’re forgiven…a little bit,” he conceded and Howard tilted his head to one side in curiosity.
“A little bit?! Come on, love, this is my best material!” he protested with a grin and Jason bit back another laugh, putting his hand in Howard’s face and slowly pushing him back.
“Exactly!” he pointed out, beaming as he finally released Howard and pointed his finger at him warningly. “You’re cheating,” he added, still smiling and Howard chuckled shamelessly.
“So?” he countered, and Jason shook his head in a show of despair.
“Stop it long enough for me to clean up that bloody butter and then I will consider – only consider, mind – letting you fight dirty with me a little longer in your quest for forgiveness.” Howard raised his eyebrows and he could see Jason struggling to keep his composure.
“Game on, Jason Orange,” Howard stated, tugging on Jason’s other hand – still clasped in his own – and dragging him close enough to steal yet another, deep kiss.
***
He was sitting by the window again. Silent and solemn, blue eyes fixed on the sky out beyond, carefully never meeting her own. His hand was curled protectively against his chest, his feet tucked under him, and he shrank away from the room as though he feared making too much of an impression on it. She watched him from over the top of her book and longed for him to talk to her the way he used to, longed to see that smile of his again.
“Are you happy?” she asked him suddenly, her voice soft and cautious. She didn’t know how to talk to him anymore, couldn’t seem to find any words to make him look at her with any light in his eyes like before. He barely reacted to the sound of her voice, simply glanced down and pulled himself in tighter, curling inwards.
“I was happy,” he murmured. His lips were a pale, emotionless line when he spoke, but as he paused something clouded his eyes for a moment and the very corner of his lips twitched up for just a second. “Two and half weeks ago I was really happy actually,” he added in a whisper that was little more than a breath. “Howard had a gig in Manchester and we went together. We messed around and got home late but way too wired to sleep so we talked all night about stuff and nonsense and…it was perfect.” He laughed sadly. “But I guess that was another life though, right?” he asked her, finally looking up at her, his blue eyes hauntingly bright and sad. There was anger and frustration in his voice, but his eyes gave away something more, a hurt that she didn’t like to look at, so she quickly looked away.
“Why aren’t you happy?” she whispered. “Why aren’t you happy, when will you be happy again? Please be happy.”
“I doesn’t work like that, you know. You don’t get to tell me how to feel.” He shrugged. “I think you know the answers to your questions anyway, deep down. I think you know more than you want to know – you keep asking me because you hope I’m going to tell you what you want to hear. But I won’t.”
“That’s not a very nice thing to say me,” she muttered, looking up at him with a sharp, bitter scowl. But he hardly flinched at her changing moods anymore, didn’t react to much at all, as though he’d found a way to hollow himself out in some bizarre act of self-preservation that she couldn’t wrap her head around.
“I know,” he replied quietly. “It’s still true, though.” She clenched her jaw, narrowing her eyes at him, the anger building. But he simply closed his eyes, keeping his shoulders square and turning his head away, some steely reserves of defiance coming out as if he sensed her changing mood and was bracing himself for the hit. It took everything she had to not play into it, to not make him feel like he knew better than she did when she was determined to make him see just how much he had wrong. She drew in a slow, deep breath before snapping her book shut.
“It’s late. We should sleep.” He opened his eyes and regarded her carefully, and she tried to keep her expression neutral, swallowing down the torrent of words she wanted to say in favour of something softer. “I’m going to sleep,” she added, setting her book down on the bedside table. She looked at him, meeting his questioning gaze and patting the bed slightly.
“Ok,” he replied blankly and she sighed in frustration.
“You might sleep more if you slept here instead of over there,” she tried, but he simply shook his head and turned away, his eyes going back to the window yet again. “Fine. Have it your way.”
With a click she turned off her bedside light, still watching him in the light that came through the window; she let him keep the curtains open because she hoped it would relax him – there was always a look in his eyes when he watched the rain that, wistful and sad as it was, enchanted her. She loved to see his unguarded face in the half-shadows cast by the streetlamps and the moon.
Jason could feel her eyes on him in the dark but he couldn’t bring himself to argue. He didn’t have the strength for another of her confusing fights, her emotions shifting by the second and her questions and arguments rarely making sense. He was running on his last reserves of strength and these sleepless nights weren’t helping. But he refused to move to the bed. And besides, his mind wouldn’t let him rest no matter where he slept. Being by the window calmed him, though. Restored some sort of strength to him in a way he didn’t understand entirely. He put it down to being able to see the sky; whatever else had happened, it was still that same sky that Howard slept beneath, that same moonlight that would fall through his – their – bedroom window somewhere across the city. He hoped that Howard was ok, although deep down he realised that ‘ok’ was probably impossible; he knew Howard better than to think he hadn’t noticed how wrong all of this was, that the wrongness wasn’t getting to him and pervading the space around him. That thought made him feel awful and his stomach turned over in guilt. He tore his eyes from the window, briefly looking at the door – he looked at it sometimes, tried to puzzle it out. But it was hopeless and he knew it; he was helpless here.
It had begun to rain again and the sound of the raindrops on the glass brought his eyes back to the window. They were under the same skies, the same rain – it was something and nothing but it mattered to him and he relished the pitter-pat against the glass. He desperately wanted to feel that rain on his skin, feel some cold air, feel connected to the world again – connected to Howard. Keeping his eyes closed, he reached a hand into his pocket, smiling softly when his fingertips brushed against the cool metal of his wedding ring. It was something. It was a feeling – a connection – that still stood despite everything, that same coolness of metal against Howard’s skin; he would play with his ring sometimes, turning it round on his finger; always moving, Howard, always hiding his shyness behind jokes and nervous ticks. Jason swallowed the lump in his throat and opened his eyes, wondering idly if he could confide his love to the raindrops and hope they would pass the message on somehow. Now was no time to cry, he supposed. If he could swallow his fear then maybe Howard could too, and maybe they would both somehow find the strength they would need. He had promised Howard so much, he thought, sadly. But he knew, at least, that if anyone could keep faith in those for this many lonely nights, then it was Howard. It had to be.
***
Gary stood just inside the doorway of the shop, looking around him with a strange mixture of apprehension and relief. Everything was still, and a second layer of dust had settled upon every surface. The floorboard creaked slightly beneath his feet and the familiar smell of old books and honey-tea filled the air. A pair of empty mugs were abandoned on the stairs, sitting atop a haphazard stack of songbooks that Gary had been sorting through the day Jason disappeared. The instruments leant together to form a silent welcoming party and the pianos peeked out at him from the back room – it was strange how everything looked the same but felt so foreign and Gary sighed sadly, an increasingly familiar awkwardness coming over him as he looked around the space. The shop’s bell rang behind him and Mark appeared at his side, giving his arm a squeeze before striding further into the roon. He turned slowly, assessing every corner with his beady grey-blue eyes, before purposefully removing his hat and throwing it over a saxophone and heading over to the archway to peer into the side room. Gary watched him, watched the way he leant against the arch and stared at the till with a sad smile, and he knew immediately what he was thinking: how odd it was to see that till without Jason being there to smile knowingly and make pointed remarks about them being late.
“So…back to work,” Mark murmured, eyes still surveying the side room forlornly. Gary came over to join him, resting a hand on the small of his back and kissing his temple.
“It is for me – but you know you don’t have to be here, Marko. I don’t pay you a wage; if you’re not ready for this then you don’t have to be.” Mark smiled up at him lopsidedly, giving a small half-shrug.
“No. If you have to do it I should too…we all have to try and make a new normal some time, you know? We can’t hold our breath forever.” He winced slightly then and shook his head, his gaze turning back to the room gloomily. “I feel terrible every time I say stuff like that, Gaz. I feel like we’re betraying him or something. Or Howard. Or both of them.” Gary nodded, rubbing Mark’s back soothingly and letting out a long sigh.
“I know. I feel that way just being here. But…life does go on. I understand why Howard’s not ready yet, but eventually…we just have to plough on through and hope that – someday soon – the answers will all fall into place and things will get easier, one way or another.”
For a drawn out minute they stood there, enjoying the comfort of the embrace and trying to come to terms with the uneasy feeling that came over them as they regarded that space that had become so associated with Jason’s presence. But eventually Mark let out a long sigh and turned his eyes down, twisting around to bury his face in Gary’s chest. Gary looked down at him, wrapping his other arm around him and kissing the top of his head. “Are you sure you don’t want to go back home? I can drop you off and come back in the afternoon?” Mark smiled and looked up into his face.
“You’re a real sweetheart, Barlow, you know that? Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise,” he breathed, standing on his tiptoes to press a kiss to Gary’s lips. Gary smiled back at him warmly, studying the soft, friendly lines of his face. “I’ll be ok. Like you said…life has to go on somehow. It’s crazy but it’s true.” Gary nodded, kissing Mark’s forehead in a soothing gesture before suddenly spinning the two of them round, carrying Mark away from the side room and back to the middle of the shop floor. Mark blinked up at him bewildered and Gary offered him a twinkling, showbiz smile, grabbing his hand and tugging him off towards the piano room, lifting him up to sit on the baby grand and then sitting himself down on the piano stool. It was graceful, in its own way, and Mark couldn’t help but laugh as he watched, enjoying seeing a little of that Barlow Sparkle returning.
“And what was that for?” he laughed brightly, leaning down to steal a quick kiss.
“Because I miss seeing you smile. Oh, and because you’re short enough for me to be able to use it to my advantage,” Gary grinned, waggling his eyebrows and making Mark chuckle.
“I’m not short, I’m adorable,” he protested half-heartedly and Gary nodded.
“Sure. And a menace,” he shot back dryly and Mark stuck his tongue out at him. At first Mark smiled, then a playful frown crossed his face and he glanced between Gary and the baby grand exaggeratedly.
“Hang on: was that speech for me or have you been chatting up the piano this entire time?” he joked and Gary punished him with a shameless tickle, their laughter echoing warmly through the shop, brushing aside the melancholy dust and adding the tiniest splash of colour to the grey.
***
The sign was turned to open, and he could hear the sound of Mark’s laughter coming from inside, but still he couldn’t bring himself to go inside. Maybe his tolerance level for the unsettling empty spaces left behind wasn’t as high as Mark and Gary’s, maybe his personal definition of normal was just a little different, but whatever the reason, his life simply wasn’t stuttering back into motion the way the lives of those around him were. Howard knew the logic of ‘life goes on’, understood all the reasons and justifications – he didn’t really hold it against anyone that their worlds kept turning whilst his stayed stubbornly still, but he wished they could spare him the pity, and worse, the judgement. He twisted the ring on his finger, closing his eyes a moment and focusing on nothing but the cool metal against his skin. No one had to live with as constant a reminder of absence as he did, no one had to live with such a constant reason to hope. He tipped his head back and opened his eyes, studying the pale grey of the Manchester sky; for the first time in days it didn’t seem to be threatening rain, and oddly he found that he missed the raindrops with their constant noise. He liked to feel the rain on his skin, their brutal coolness strangely reassuring – confirmation that he was still alive, still going on somehow, and perhaps he saw a dare in it too, a challenge. I like a challenge – weren’t those the very words that had made Jason’s eyes flash at him in that electric way for the very first time? Howard smiled sadly; this wasn’t a challenge he’d seen coming, of course.
Shoving his hands in his pockets, Howard turned sharply from the door and started to stride off down Oldham Street. He had no real destination or plan in mind for his day, but he needed to be out of the apartment for a while, that much he was sure of. He needed to be somewhere that held no memories, to lose himself in amongst a crowd of people who had no idea who he and Jason were let alone what they meant to each other. He wanted to be in a place where every space was filled – overcrowded – and the silences were constantly broken into by people’s bodies moving, their voices loud and plain. He was tired of the voices that weren’t there, the pauses and the shadows that seemed to move but always turned out to just be empty space.
As he walked he began to play with his wedding ring once more. It was a quiet acknowledgement that there was no safe place; he could find reminders everywhere, his and Jason’s lives had bled so deeply into each other and the effect was irrevocable. That thought – though bittersweet – was strangely comforting. The promises still stood, as long as that pain was there. Everything for everything meant good and bad – he’d give every last bit of fight to keep moving despite the ache he felt in his bones, and at the end of it he would be given everything back, because that was their deal. All of Jason’s love was still his, he knew, even if the answers to his questions were something Jason would never be able to give.
He had thrown himself in with Jason a long time ago and he had no intention of backing out now.
***
“Howard Donald, would you stop?!” Jason’s laugh was rough and warm and it made Howard grin, even as Jason elbowed him half-heartedly in his ribs. “You will put me down right now,” Jason warned without conviction, twisting his head to look up at Howard with glittering blue eyes, and Howard grinned back at him unrepentantly, his arms still wrapped firmly around Jason’s waist.
“Shan’t,” he stated, his tone playful, and he interlocked their fingers, artfully twirling Jason around so that he was facing him. “Not unless you make me,” he challenged, pulling their bodies close once more, his hands coming to rest on Jason’s hips. “All you’ve done today is look at songbooks and count stock, so now it’s my job to make sure you get a little downtime.” He pressed a kiss to Jason’s forehead then leant back to meet his gaze, arching one eyebrow mischievously. “You see the things I go through just for you?” he asked and Jason smiled, shaking his head slightly and giving Howard a small shove.
“Let it never be said that Howard Donald isn’t noble,” he shot back dryly, chuckling as Howard dipped his head to press a trail of kisses from the crook of his neck up slowly to the corner of his mouth. He shoved Howard lightly once more but made no attempt to move away as Howard held them there, his smiling lips still against the corner of Jason’s mouth.
“I could be noble if you wanted me to be,” he murmured into Jason’s skin, and Jason’s smile softened as he closed his eyes, finally leaning into Howard with a small, contented sigh.
“I know. But I’d rather you just be you,” he replied quietly. His eyes fluttered open and he tipped his head back, reaching up to touch a hand to Howard’s chin and forcing him to meet his eyes. “Even when you’re a nuisance, I want you – I mean really you, ok?” he added and Howard smiled shyly.
“You sure about that?”
“You know I am,” Jason stated simply, reaching up to press a firm kiss to his lips. “I could live without you, you know, you big idiot,” he added, a light in his eyes as he leant their foreheads together “I just choose not to.” Howard laughed softly, reaching up to cup Jason’s cheek.
“Yeah, me too,” he agreed, his voice achingly soft and tender. Jason’s lips curved into a wide, warm smile and he pulled Howard in for a lingering kiss, his spine arching gracefully as Howard pulled him closer and closer, flush against his body.
A loud clatter broke the peace, making both of them flinch, and Jason laughed against Howard’s lips before finally breaking the kiss and burying his face in Howard’s chest. Howard could only chuckle and wrap his arms tightly around Jason as Gary’s voice destroyed their moment, coming from the front room.
“Bloody hell, who on earth put that there?!”
“You did, and you bloody left me here! You’re a clumsy oaf, Barlow, you know that?” was Mark’s mischievous response. Jason looked back up at Howard with a smirk and Howard shrugged, quiet amusement dancing in his eyes. He moved his hands back up to cup Jason’s face and kissed his forehead.
“I love you, you know, but sometimes I don’t love your friends,” he joked and Jason laughed, rolling his eyes and giving Howard a peck on the lips.
“I don’t know why you’re laughing, it’s your mug that’s now half empty,” Gary was saying, his voice carrying all too easily through the dim warmth of the shop.
“In that case, I’ll take your mug,” Mark replied cheerfully, his voice musical and bright as it filled the air.
“Oi!” Gary protested, but by the sound of Mark’s exaggerated slurp, he didn’t put up much of a fight. “What am I going to do with you?!” he added in a fond, exasperated sigh.
Quiet descended upon the shop once more at last, and Howard and Jason looked at each other intently, adrift from everything and everyone else for a moment that could’ve been one minute but could just as easily have been one hour. Howard pressed a small, brief kiss to Jason’s lips.
“Sometimes I look around and it hits me; how uncertain and unknown everything is, how it’s so easily questioned, you know?” he whispered, brushing his knuckles along Jason’s cheek. “And then I look at you. And none of the questions really have their answers, nothing’s suddenly proved that couldn’t be before – but I don’t feel like anything is so uncertain anymore. I don’t know anything but I know everything at the same time. Does that sound crazy?” Jason’s lips curved at the corners in quiet understanding, and he reached up to take Howard’s hand in his own, stilling it against his cheek. Firm but fond, that gesture. Howard didn’t look away from Jason’s eyes.
“It’s an act of faith, I think,” Jason murmured, shrugging slightly. “You throw yourself in with someone and you say your prayers – even if you never hear the answer, you hope it’ll come, one way or another. If it’s love then it does.” Jason let go of Howard’s hand then, moving to cup Howard’s face in his hands in a mirroring gesture. “Maybe it’s messy, maybe it’s daft, maybe it leaves us fighting for no reason sometimes…but it always leads us back here. I believe in that much – don’t you?” Howard chuckled slightly, soft and warm, grateful more than amused.
“Yeah. I really do.” Jason smiled at him.
“Good. We’re agreed then,” he whispered. “Just remember that on all your rainy days and you and me might just be ok, Howard Donald; call it a lesson in faith.”
***
Gary was sprawled idly across the sofa, his eyes on the screen but his mind elsewhere. At his side, Mark sat scribbling in a notebook, a lock of hair falling across his face and his tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth as he concentrated hard, only pausing occasionally to chew the end of his pen and squint frustratedly at what he’d written. In the background, the local news chattered away softly. Neither one of them were paying it much mind, but both of them jumped when the story changed and Jason’s picture appeared on the screen. Gary sat up a little and Mark’s pen stilled as he sensed Gary’s movement, and he two men watched – stricken – as the newsreader launched into the story with a cool professionalism that was jarring and horrifying in that strange way that didn’t allow them to look away.
“Police launched an appeal for information today regarding the disappearance of a Salford man. Jason Orange disappeared from his apartment building over two weeks ago following drinks with friends, under circumstances deemed by police to be ‘unusual’. Police launched the appeal along with Mr. Orange’s husband and family after struggling to find any new lines of investigation through their own enquiries…” The report continued to list details Gary and Mark already knew, the grainy CCTV pictures of Jason now filling the screen, and the two men exchanged a glance. They’d known the appeal was today, had offered to be there for Howard more than once but he’d declined, insisting he’d be fine on his own. Gary begged to differ when the report shifted to footage from the press conference: Howard sat, ashen and quiet, beside a pained-looking Justin and Jenny Orange as they appealed for information, for Jason – if he was listening – to come home again. Howard only spoke when directly addressed, his brows knitted into a frown and his blue eyes oddly bright as he listened to the melee around him intently.
“I don’t know how Howard’s still standing after the past two weeks,” Gary murmured, eyes not leaving the screen. Mark shook his head slightly, biting at his lip, his eyes shining with a mixture of sadness and sympathy.
“Force of will, I think. Jay would be proud,” he replied and Gary raised a small smile at that.
The two of them lapsed into silence as Jason’s photograph once more was shown onscreen alongside a list of numbers and email addresses for people to contact with information. Gary suspected Howard had chosen the photograph – it had been taken during a pre-gig rehearsal a little less than a year ago and showed Jason with his hands clasped across the empty grip of a microphone stand, his head tipped to one side on top of them as he let out one of those warm, lazy laughs of his. It was pure Jason, caught in an unguarded moment, a smile in his blue eyes. The same shot was framed in Jason and Howard’s apartment alongside shots of Howard, Mark and Gary from the same day – they hung in a smart set of four black and whites on the living room wall, just by the door, and Gary smiled every time he saw them, appreciating the reminder that Jason saw them as his second family.
“I talked to Howard earlier. He called when he got back from the press conference,” Gary admitted slowly. Mark looked over at him expectantly and he let out a heavy sigh. “He told me things were getting bad between him and Jay’s family.” Mark’s face scrunched up in confusion at that and Gary winced.
“But why? Howard loves Jay to his bones, he wants him home just as much as anyone, maybe even more,” Mark frowned, outrage clouding grey in his eyes. “They know that, right? Because there’s probably people in space that know that, so it’s just crazy if they don’t.” Gary shook his head slightly and let his head drop back, staring up at the ceiling gloomily.
“He didn’t really go into it, which is fair enough I s’pose. It’s pretty grim.” He scrunched up his face in obvious disapproval of whatever it was he had heard and Mark looked up at him, giving him a slight nudge.
“Go on,” he implored. He knew he might not like what he heard, but he wanted to know.
“Basically they think Howard’s not telling them everything about what happened between the two of them.” Gary rolled his eyes dismissively. “They think he’s keeping something from them to try and save face.”
“How so?”
“When the police and Howard initially looked at the CCTV, they thought Jay moved to the stairs because he reacted to something, but it’s hard to tell with the angle of the camera. We all know how long the lift takes in their building, though – he could’ve just decided to walk it, and his family thinks he did.”
“I don’t get why that’s so important.”
“If he reacted to something, maybe someone else was around, could be involved in him going missing. But if he just took the stairs, then maybe he made it up to the apartment.” Gary swallowed, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before going on. He didn’t like talking about it anymore than Howard had, and he felt awful for repeating the suspicions of Jason’s family when he knew in his heart they simply weren’t true. “Some of Jay’s family reckon Jay got home that night and was at the apartment when Howard got back. They think Howard’s not admitting to it because the two of them got into some big row and Jay took off because of it, they think Howard just doesn’t want to admit to it in case it paints him in a bad light or makes the police accuse him of something – it sounds like Jenny and Simon aren’t so sure but Justin and Tony are on his case about it almost constantly. I just can’t believe it’s even a suggestion – I know that technically there would’ve been time for it to play out that way, but it doesn’t explain Jay not answering his phone to me that morning. And in any case, this is Howard and Jay weren’t talking about! They can fight all day for sport and not mean a word of it…I know they’ve had their disagreements but the pair of them are both too stubborn to run away and hide. And Jay would never put people he cares about through all of this, no matter how pissed off he was with Howard or anyone else.” Gary opened his eyes and looked at Mark curiously. “You agree with me, right? The whole idea is insane?” Mark’s eyes were wide, a sharpness about his stare that gave Gary a clear answer before he’d even spoken.
“If Jay were here he’d go mad with ‘em for saying any of that stuff, Gaz, and you know it,” Mark said, shaking his head. “I know they have their arguments but Howard’s never said or done anything that would push Jay this far over the edge, he never would. Besides, Howard would say if they’d fought, I know he would – Jay is his priority, he wouldn’t care if it put him in a bad light by saying something, he’d tell the truth if he thought it’d help bring him home.”
“I know,” Gary agreed quietly. “But I don’t think it’s that clear for Jay’s family – they’d just rather anything than the idea Jay might be in serious trouble…that Jay might not be-” Gary stopped abruptly and winced, and Mark looked down at his hands, the corners of his mouth turning down. For a moment they sat in silence, both trying not to think the worst but struggling not to. “Tony overheard them arguing once, you know. Jay told me about it – he was so frustrated with his dad over the whole thing. I don’t know if he was more upset about the eavesdropping or the conclusions he was jumping to from a snatched argument outside some family gathering or other, but I know Tony gave him hassle over it for a while. The stupid thing was, it wasn’t even a proper fight; Jay was tired, Howard was in a bad mood because a gig fell through, they lost their tempers and forgave each other in the space of a half hour.” Gary chuckled sadly. “You know what it’s like with them, Marko: you can’t take half of what they say seriously, even when they’re fighting – they know each other well enough to always stop before they cross the line and before you know what’s happening they’ve come to a compromise and everything’s fine.”
“I know that, and you know that; but we see ‘em every day, you know? We probably know Jay better than his dad does in some ways.”
“That doesn’t explain Justin – aren’t twins supposed to have some sort of telepathic connection or something? Jay always said they sometimes just knew when the other one was having a bad day, as kids I mean. So shouldn’t Justin just…know?” Gary put in and Mark lifted one shoulder in a shrug.
“Maybe that’s the problem though: Howard’s taken his place, in a way. No one knows Jay like Howard and no one knows Howard like Jay.”
“That doesn’t make accusing him of lying to the police ok,” Gary objected and Mark shook his head dejectedly.
“No. But everyone reacts differently, you know? And it’s like you said…maybe the thought of Jay running away is easier to cope with than the alternative.”
“Clutching at straws won’t help anyone – least of all Jay.” Gary sighed. “The whole thing is just a mess. And the one bloke who’d know what to say to sort it all out is the one bloke none of us can find.”
The news had moved on to a story about a local charity talent show and for a moment Gary and Mark watched the pictures on the screen; blurs of colour and light that they didn’t really process but still let themselves be transfixed by, their minds needing the moment of respite. Whilst it had been a little easier for them to go back to their normal lives and routines than it had been for Howard, they still found themselves fighting to keep their heads above water sometimes. Jason was like a brother to them and the four of them had become almost closer than a family over the past few years, bonding over shared experiences and shared confidences. Jason often said he found it easier to be with the three of them because they hadn’t known him as a kid; when he and his brothers were together, everyone had a tendency to slip back into roles they had played in childhood that, in reality, they had long grown out of fitting, and it made things hard to cope with at times. Gary knew Jason loved his family, but he understood the difficulties, and he’d felt honoured to be counted as one of the few people in the world Jason could confide in. And it had gone both ways: Jason’s frankness, his sometimes obtuse way of thinking and looking at the world had drawn out his own honesty more than once, and he knew the same was true for Mark. Life went on without Jason, and sometimes, when he and Mark were pottering around their flat at night, chattering away about their days, it almost didn’t seem like anything had changed at all. Their way of coping was to talk, fill every silence with nonsense and words and stupid jokes, to pour their energy into buzzing around Howard and to pointedly talk about anything but the Jason-shaped space in the corner of the shop.
“It’s funny the things that make it hit you.” Mark spoke softly, his eyes still on his hands as he worried the corners of the notebook’s pages between his fingers. “I was shifting stock today and I found Jay’s notes in one of the boxes – this list of what had moved to the back shelves and what needed reordering. Mundane stuff, you know.” Mark laughed hollowly and shook his head. “I don’t know why but it just got me – I sat there for ten minutes or so and I just couldn’t move. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the times we’ve sat in that shop with him sorting through songbooks, all of us laughing, messing around.” Mark blew out a breath. “Every day I keep looking around expecting him to be there…I turn around and go ‘Jay’ and I have to stop myself, or I'll go to make the tea and get out all four mugs by mistake. Stupid stuff. He’s been like a big brother to me, Gaz. He looks out for me and he never judges when I’m being an idiot and we bicker all day but I know that, when it comes down to it, if I phone him at three in the morning, he’ll pick up and he’ll listen to whatever it is I need to say. He’s the bloke I always know I can call in the middle of the night if I need a lift to A&E or I need bailing out of jail or whatever stupid thing you can think of…and he’ll be there, he’ll come. It’s never happened but if it did…he’d be there. And he wouldn’t judge. I s’pose it’d just got to the point where I took it for granted; I’d sort of forgotten what it was like without him and now I don’t know how I coped. The one bloke I want to talk to about everything going on in my head and he’s the one who’s messed it up. I don’t know if I can ever work out how to cope with that, you know?” Mark closed his eyes and Gary leant forwards, tenderly brushing his hair out of his face and pressing a kiss to his temple.
“Come on, now. We don’t know that we have to learn to cope with it for forever,” he whispered. Mark scrunched his face up, squeezing his eyes more tightly shut.
“We don’t know that we won’t have to either,” he said quietly. Gary glanced away.
“No,” he admitted slowly. “But we have each other. And Howard. The three of us will piece it together somehow.” He drew Mark closer to him then, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and squeezing him tight. “But we have to look out for each other, Marko. Even more than before. Because I’m just about holding things together right now because that’s what you and Howard need me to do…but if I lost you…” He trailed off, closing his eyes tightly and pressing a kiss into Mark’s hair, and Mark smiled sadly, curling against him and resting his head on his chest.
“Don’t even try and get rid of me, Barlow,” he mumbled, making Gary laugh softly.
“You’d better mean that.”
“I do,” Mark said earnestly, before sitting up a little, his smile briefly turning impish and the light dancing in his eyes. “Besides, you’ll always have your pianos. A man’s not alone as long as he has his pianos – one of the first things you ever said to me, that.” Gary chuckled, giving Mark a tight squeeze for good measure before letting out a long sigh.
“I remember. Jay told me to shut up about my pianos and actually get to know you.” He rolled his eyes fondly. “This from a man who counts his guitar amongst his best friends, of course,” he added with a small smile. It made him think of something though; Jason’s guitar, still sitting, propped up against the stereo in his and Howard’s living room, untouched since Jason disappeared. And deep down, Gary knew that was wrong. Even if Jason had decided he needed to get away from the world and disappear for a while – whatever the reason – that guitar would’ve gone with him and Gary was sure of it. When Jason needed space, when he needed to escape to process something or when he got too tired to talk, he always picked up that guitar, his fingers dancing absently across the frets as he stared off, blue eyes clouded with a million thoughts that he was trying to process.
Outside the window, the wind was starting to whip up a storm, and Gary glanced out into the darkness, listening as a sudden spattering of raindrops were thrown harshly against the glass. The orange of the street lamps glinted in the droplets, forming patterns of light and shadow, and Gary couldn’t help but think of just how frighteningly easy it was for a person to simply vanish into those spaces, disappearing without a trace between the streetlamps and the rain.
“Howard’s right, you know. Jay wouldn’t just go,” he said suddenly, his voice low but firm, and at his side Mark nodded, his eyes still downturned but his mouth a determined pink line.
“I know,” he agreed after a beat, curling even closer to Gary’s chest. “And that’s what’s so scary, I think: it’s the unknown being there at the edges of the stuff we’re actually sure of. It’s that fact that…that someone as alive and as vivid as Jay can just turn around one day and disappear between the raindrops, like he was never even there at all.” He swallowed, squeezing his eyes tightly shut. “It’s the fact that that can happen, and we might never even get to know why…I think that’s the bit that makes it so hard to cope with. If he’s gone I want to know he’s gone. But if he’s not…I just really want him home right now. Because this limbo is frightening, Gaz. And I just want to see. I just…I really, really just want to know.”
***
Sunshine crept timidly across Manchester as a calm, misty morning broke over the city. The light poured in through the vast windows of the apartment and bathed every corner in melancholy hues of yellow-gold and amber, the dust motes dancing through the slanting bars the only disruption to the stillness. On the sofa, Howard lay in a warm pool of sunlight, stretched out on his back, one arm dangling over the edge and the other slung across his face. He’d finally fallen asleep in the early hours, his aching body eventually winning over his addled mind and pushing him down into to a heavy-limbed and oblivious sleep that was long overdue, even if it had only lasted for two, precious, uninterrupted hours. He’d worked almost every night for the past week – probably an unhealthy distraction technique but he liked the way it left him too exhausted to break down.
Down below, the city was beginning to stumble into life, routine and unremarkable, whilst inside the top-floor apartment life still seemed to be suspended indefinitely, everything simultaneously as foreign as it was familiar. Grace padded across the living room and curled up in the armchair, sitting silently for a moment and biting on her lip. She’d been awake for a while but hadn’t wanted to leave her bedroom; in her room it was possible to imagine that everything was still the same, but out in the living room the spaces and silences were more obvious, so unlike almost every other Saturday morning she had spent there. From her place in the armchair she cast her eyes around the room, watching the dust swirl in the sunlight, her eyes falling sadly on the empty kitchen. There were still shopping lists and post-its stuck to the notice board which hung above the oven, photographs and ticket stubs tucked in between them, a small calendar with birthdays and gigs noted down across it in Jason’s handwriting tacked in the corner – her dad hadn’t bothered changing it over from February to March yet. She didn’t really care; she liked having Jason’s things still around them, his notes and scribbles still visible as though he’d just nipped down to the shops. Some Saturdays, when Jason woke up first and knew it’d be a while before the other two surfaced, he would go for a walk and stop by the Lowry Outlet, picking up coffees for himself and her dad and bringing her back her favourite toffee and double chocolate cookies from Millie’s. Grace sighed and tried not to think about it, pushing herself up out of the chair and perching awkwardly beside her dad on the sofa, prodding him lightly in the ribs.
“Dad, wake up – it’s morning,” she said softly, tucking some stray curls behind her ear. Her dad let out a low groan, rubbing at his eyes and trying to turn over.
“It’s too early, Jay, go back to sleep,” he mumbled through a yawn, and Grace flinched, looking sadly down at her hands.
“It’s me, dad,” she said, and out of the corner of her eye she could see him squinting blearily up at her, could just make out the flicker of disappointment that he quickly covered, not that she minded. He yawned again and pushed himself up, rubbing his hand over his face.
“Sorry, sweetheart. C’mere,” he sighed, opening his arms and letting her crawl over for a hug. “Morning,” he murmured, squeezing her close, and Grace smiled softly.
As he and Grace sat in the silence together, Howard tried to make his sore eyes adjust to the brightness of the room. There was a crick in his neck from crashing out on the sofa, but he felt more refreshed than he had in days – there was something to be said for not trying to fall asleep whilst staring at the empty space on Jason’s side of the bed.
“It’s so quiet,” Grace said, her voice muffled against his shirt, and Howard gave her another firm squeeze, kissing the top of her head.
“I know…I still haven’t got used to it myself,” he admitted and Grace leant back, looking up at him with wide, curious eyes, her lips downturned at the corners.
“Do you think you ever will?” she asked and Howard swallowed, looking away. It was a question he’d asked himself enough times, somehow hoping the answer would be different but always knowing, deep down, that that could never be the case.
“No. What about you, kiddo?” Grace shook her head and Howard smiled sadly. “Didn’t think so,” he sighed. The real question – the one neither he nor Grace dared ask – was whether or not they needed to try to get used to it. “You miss him too, hm?” he said softly, smoothing some of her wild bed-head down fondly and dipping his head to try to see her face. She was looking down, her lips a firm, sullen little line designed to give away as little as possible. But she nodded slightly all the same, pulling his hand towards her with a determined little tug and holding it in both of hers. She played with his ring, twisting it and running her fingers across the ridges in the brushed metal, her eyes sad and thoughtful. Howard felt so terrible for not knowing how to take that look off his own daughter’s face.
“No one at school understands,” she mumbled at last, biting at the inside of her cheek, her gaze still on his ring as she spoke. “They don’t get that he’s my family, even if I don’t live here with you and him all the time. Mum tried to explain but I know they don’t really get it.” She shrugged disconsolately, blowing out her cheeks and twisting his ring again. “Izzy knows but she doesn’t know what to say so she just tries to change the subject.” Howard understood the frustration in his daughter’s voice all too well.
“And does that make you sad?” he asked softly. Grace simply nodded and Howard sighed, brushing his knuckles briefly along her cheek before resting his head on top of hers. “I know how that feels, sweetheart. But you know you can always talk to me about him. I wish more people would – it makes things seem a bit more normal somehow.” A smile flickered across Grace’s face and her hands stilled, her fingers splayed across his palm.
“But I normally only tell Jason my secrets,” she said and Howard chuckled, giving her a playful poke in her ribs and making her laugh.
“Oh really?! Well I’m going to have to have a word with him about that when he comes back.” Grace giggled, her hair falling in her face as she did so, and the moment brought a smile to Howard’s face.
He was grateful for this little moment of peace and memories – it was different to the still silence of the night time that seemed to make the memories sharper and more painful. Here, with Grace in the sunlight, the memories were warm and soothing.
“He’s just clever – he tricks me,” Grace was insisting and Howard couldn’t help but laugh at that. It was probably partly true; there’s never any hiding for anyone in conversation with Jason, he has a way of forcing the truth out, of catching you by surprise with his astuteness and his honesty. But there was more to it. Jason was someone Grace could come to, could trust in a different way to anyone else in her life. The secret was his unique role in her life, Howard supposed: he was enough of a parent figure to be trusted with advice, help and big decisions, but he wasn’t really her parent and could step back from certain situations in a way that avoided overreaction, the ambiguity of it allowed him more leeway and – though he would never challenge Howard or Vicky’s decisions in front of her, or give away Grace’s secrets – he would act as a go between when he thought it was necessary. Howard suspected Grace tried to hide it sometimes – the full extent of her closeness with Jason. He knew how much tension had been building at Vicky’s over the past couple of years since her boyfriend had all but moved into the house, knew that Grace despised the man and that she tried to protect her mother from her closeness with Jason for fear it might annoy her, or worse make her angry with Jason himself. Jason and Grace were protective of each other, close in a way Howard usually revelled in. At least he had before it put that despondent look on his daughter’s pretty face. “Every Friday I forget he’s not going to be picking me up and when I remember it makes me sad,” Grace said softly, before shooting a small smile up at her dad. “No offence, dad,” she added and Howard laughed.
“None taken,” he assured her gently. “It makes me sad too,” he added, and she nodded, looking back down at her hands.
“I just wish everything was normal again.” Howard sighed, kissing her head.
“Me too, sweetheart, more than anything.”
Neither one of them seemed to want to move from the sofa. Grace curled back against Howard’s chest and he pulled her close as both of them wordlessly acknowledged all the empty space that seemed to be expanding outwards and isolating the two of them there in their strange state of limbo.
“It’s worst in the mornings,” Grace whispered and Howard smiled sadly at that; so he wasn’t the only one that had noticed that.
“Jay’s always the first one up; always spoiling the two of us with French toast and making fun of us when we complain about it being too early,” he agreed. Grace laughed.
“He makes fun of you more,” she countered mischievously and Howard grinned, tickling her side for a moment, laughing as she squirmed and giggled.
“Oi, you,” he teased and she smiled unashamedly up at him. “Cheeky girl – you know your mum blames me for that, don’t you?” he asked and Grace simply shrugged, still beaming. Howard shook his head fondly, kissing her forehead. “What am I going to do with you?” he sighed, though he still hugged her close as the two of them lapsed into silence again.
“Do you remember Christmas morning?” Grace asked suddenly then, and Howard felt a small smile tugging at his lips immediately. “Christmas morning wasn’t quiet,” Grace added with a distant sigh.
“No. Christmas morning was perfect, actually,” Howard replied.
***
Howard woke up to the sound of the rain, pitter-pattering against the bedroom window in an irregular rhythm that he found oddly soothing. For a while he let himself drift in and out of sleep, listening to the rain and the sound of kitchen cupboards being closed, the kettle boiling. When he finally heard the bedroom door open and close softly, he smiled sleepily into his pillow before slowly opening his eyes. He couldn’t help the lazy grin that spread across his face as he heard the rustle of the duvet beside him and he stretched himself out before turning over, rubbing at his eyes.
As he looked up, his eyes connected almost immediately with Jason’s, which were cobalt blue and brilliant in the dim grey light of their room. He was sitting cross-legged on his side of the bed, a mug of tea clasped in both hands, his head on one side as he watched Howard quietly, a faint trace of a smile on his lips that drew Howard to him. That was the look he’d given him that first morning in the shop; curious and challenging and expectant.
“Mornin’, darlin’,” Howard mumbled – his voice morning rough – as he pushed himself up and leant in to press a firm kiss to the crook of Jason’s neck. Jason laughed softly, pushing Howard off him gently before changing his mind and leaning back in to steal a quick kiss from his lips. Howard grinned into it and Jason rolled his eyes in fond exasperation as he pulled away, giving Howard another small shove for good measure.
“The words you’re looking for are ‘Merry Christmas, darlin’’, actually, so you might want to keep your hands to yourself, Romeo – that daughter of yours is a maximum of five minutes away from bursting through that bedroom door demanding presents,” he warned, waggling his eyebrows pointedly before taking a sip of his tea. Howard pouted slightly, wrapping an arm around Jason’s waist and trailing kisses from his neck to his temple playfully.
“You do realise you just cast yourself as Juliet, don’t you?” he mumbled into Jason’s skin, and Jason laughed, elbowing him and ducking away.
“The moral of the story is that it didn’t end well for either of them, love, so hands by your sides before my willpower breaks and we get a lecture on not being ‘gross’ before breakfast,” he shot back, making Howard chuckle.
“Oh I’m sure she’ll get over it,” he retorted, cupping Jason’s face in his hand. For a moment they looked at each other, Jason attempting to remain sceptical but unable to hide the light dancing in his eyes as Howard leant in for another kiss.
At that moment, the bedroom door flew open dramatically and Grace’s slight form appeared in the doorway.
“I’m not even looking,” she announced, running across to the bed and climbing up. Jason laughed against Howard’s lips, pulling back and arching an eyebrow. “You two are gross but I’m pretending you’re not so that I can have presents,” Grace beamed, crawling over to them and letting Howard pull her into a hug.
“Told you so,” Jason smirked, sticking his tongue out at Howard, and Howard returned the gesture with amusement.
“Know it all,” he retorted, and Jason simply rolled his eyes, turning his attention to Grace.
“You are aware that you are out of bed before eleven and it’s not even a school day,” he pointed out, smiling, and Grace pulled a face.
“You’re not funny,” she told him airily, barely managing to conceal her smile. Jason nodded in an exaggerated show of acceptance and Howard bit back a chuckle.
“Maybe I’m not, but you know something that is funny?”
“What?” Grace frowned, eyes narrowing as she sensed the mischief in Jason’s smile.
“The fact you think you’re going to get your dad to get out of bed before eleven when it’s not even a school day,” Jason replied casually, laughing when both Grace and Howard lunged forwards to try and shove him, artfully ducking back and causing them to flop uselessly across the sheets. He looked at them with amused pity and tilted his head. “I tell you what; how about I win back both of your affections with a suggestion?” he offered. Grace looked at him curiously for a moment, arms folded in a youthful show of haughtiness that made Howard chuckle softly.
“I’m not going back to bed,” she warned and Jason smirked.
“No, I didn’t think so. But since your dad probably isn’t leaving his bed-”
“You could just get up. He’d follow,” Grace interrupted, rolling her eyes, and Jason swotted at her, shooting her a half-hearted glare.
“He’d follow if someone tied some waffles to a string, but that’s not my suggestion either,” he pointed out.
“You do both realise I’m still sitting here, right?” Howard put in and Jason grinned.
“Completely aware, love,” he said casually and Howard pulled a face.
“You have no respect for me, do you,” he sighed with feigned dismay and Jason’s smile softened slightly as he tilted his head to one side.
“I reserve my baiting only for those for whom I have the greatest respect, love,” he said with a wink and Howard couldn’t help the pride he felt at the remark, glancing away shyly. “Now if the two of you will stop moaning at me for ten seconds, I actually have two presents that you don’t even have to leave the bed for.” Howard looked up then, eyebrows raised in surprise, and Grace sat up excitedly.
“Seriously?!” she asked and Jason chuckled, a knowing smile on his lips.
Howard and Grace exchanged a glance as Jason silently got up from the bed, setting down his mug on his bedside table before moving over to the built-in storage at the back of the room, sliding the door open and reaching something down from one of the top shelves of his half of the wardrobe. Howard appreciated the easy grace with which he moved, the arches and curves of his body just as elegant as any professionally trained dancer, his lean, tall frame always seeming to be moving to a music only Jason could hear. As he turned back with two presents in his hands, he caught Howard’s stare and winked at him before coming back over to the bed, sitting down and handing them a present each.
“Seriously,” he assured Grace, who squeaked delightedly, taking the present from him before flinging her arms around him in a tight hug.
“You’re the best and if dad hadn’t married you I would never have forgiven him – not ever,” she said in a rush of breath, squeezing him tight, and Jason simply laughed, hugging her back gladly and sharing an amused look with Howard over her shoulder.
“Bribery: works every time,” he joked as she pulled back and Howard chuckled softly before reaching out for Jason’s hand, tugging on it gently and forcing him across the bed. Once Jason was close enough Howard pressed a lingering kiss to his lips.
“I love you,” he whispered and Jason smiled back at him quietly for a moment.
“Back at you, darlin’,” he replied and Howard laughed, pulling him close as the two of them watched Grace reverently begin to tear away the wrapping of her present.
Beneath the paper was a pretty, square gift box in Grace’s favourite colour – purple – with her initials picked out in gold on the top. And when Grace lifted the lid, a simple chord necklace was revealed. Howard smiled as Grace gasped. He pressed a kiss to Jason’s temple, knowing the gesture didn’t even come close to what he thought and felt on seeing the perfect gift he had picked out. It occurred to him dimly that, regardless of whether or not Grace would’ve forgiven him, he probably wouldn’t have forgiven himself if he hadn’t married this man. The pendant of the chord necklace was a simple guitar pick – Grace was every bit as obsessed with music as Howard was and she had a special fascination for Jason’s guitar – and the design on one side of it was Grace’s name, whilst on the other side neat rows of staves and musical notes shimmered in classy gold and black. Grace stared, awed, for a moment before launching herself across the bed once more, barrelling into Jason, whose body crashed back against Howard at the force. Jason’s laugh was warm and rough and it vibrated against Howard’s ribs.
“You’re utterly wonderful, just in case you wanted to know,” Howard whispered by Jason’s ear, and Jason glanced up at him with a fond, amused smile.
“I didn’t – but it’s always nice to hear,” he replied, kissing Howard’s cheek before turning his attention back to Grace. “Come on, kiddo. I’ll make a start on breakfast and maybe between the two of us we can coax your dad out of bed long enough for you to open the rest of your presents.”
***
Grace let out a sigh, starting to play with Howard’s ring again.
“It rained all day but it didn’t matter. In the good way.” She looked up at Howard sadly. “But today it’s sunny and it doesn’t matter. In the bad way.” Howard gave her a firm squeeze. “It’s really sad waking up and he’s still not here…but it’s even more sad when other people think he went away on purpose. I overheard mum say he might have done…she was talking to Tim one night after I was supposed to be in bed. She said it was weird that the police couldn’t find anything else and that maybe he didn’t want to be found…but that doesn’t make any sense, because Jay loves us, doesn’t he?” Grace looked at Howard so imploringly that he could actually feel the dull ache of it in his chest. He placed a kiss on her forehead, smoothing down her hair once more as he dipped his head to look her directly in the eye.
“You listen to me, ok? Jay loves both of us, a lot. He would never do anything to deliberately hurt us, you know that, right?” Grace nodded and Howard flashed her a small, encouraging smile. “He didn’t just make promises to me when we got married, Gracie. He made promises to you too, and if there is one thing we both know about Jay it’s that he always means his promises. And for all the promises he made us, we made promises to him too – promises that mean we have to trust him, even when other people don’t. It’s ok for them to think what they think, and it’s ok for you to have times where you don’t understand or you doubt things. But it’s never ok for you to doubt how much he loves you and me, ok? You think you can remember that for me, Gracie?” Grace looked up at him steadily for a moment, her gaze unwavering as she considered his words. And then slowly, determinedly, she smoothed her lips into a firm line and nodded before reaching up and wrapping her arms around him in a hug he gratefully returned. As he held her, he closed his eyes and silently focused on the feeling of the cool metal of his wedding ring on his finger, his mind travelling back to Christmas morning, an almost-smile forming on his lips.
***
Howard watched as Grace and Jason disappeared from the bedroom, Grace still half-hugging Jason and Jason casting a wry smile back at Howard over his shoulder. For a moment he listened to the sounds coming from the kitchen; Grace still babbling away, cupboard doors opening and closing, drawers opening and cutlery being sorted through. The whole apartment was lit in shades of grey and the rain still beat on the windows, but there was noise and colour in Jason and Grace’s company and all the things Howard loved about home. Smiling to himself, he set his present down on the bedside table whilst he moved over to his side of the wardrobe, grabbing an old hoody and pulling it on; it was one of the ones Jason often borrowed, and Howard grinned as he caught the scent of Jason’s shampoo still on the fabric. He pulled the sleeves down over his hands and made his way back over to the bed, pausing only briefly to make sure Jason and Grace were still preoccupied in the kitchen before he carefully picked up the present Jason had given him.
Like Grace’s present, beneath the wrapping was a simple, square gift box, though his was in a rich navy blue and instead of his initials in gold, on the lid was a post-it note with the words ‘We can’t promise anything, only everything we have. Jay x’ written in Jason’s handwriting across it. Howard smiled slightly, tentatively lifting the gift box’s lid and peering inside. At first a mild look of confusion crossed his face as he lifted out the contents – his and Jason’s wedding rings glinted in the soft light of their bedroom, rolling together into the palm of his hand. Jason had spirited them away a little over a week ago, muttering something about polishes and resizes and taking advantage of the fact Howard hadn’t had his morning coffee yet as he squirrelled the rings away in his bag and changed the subject. He should have known he was up to something. Curiously, Howard tilted the rings towards the light – and that’s when he noticed it: words engraved inside the rings. He picked up Jason’s ring – ever so slightly smaller than his own – and carefully ran his fingers across the ridges of the letters before tilting it so he could read what was written there. One word: ‘All’. Howard picked up his own ring, a knowing smile pulling at the corners of his lips as he turned it towards the light. Again just one word was engraved there: ‘in’. Howard chuckled slightly, shaking his head and clasping his hand tight for a moment, an immense rush of feeling coming over him: of course it would only make sense when you put the two together, known and unknown all at once.
Howard slid his ring onto his finger, enjoying the familiar feeling of the metal on his skin once again – it took him by surprise how much he’d missed it being there, how it’d become a part of him so quickly. With a small smile, he closed his hand tightly around Jason’s ring, pocketing it as he pushed himself up off the bed, heading out of the room and following the morning sounds which emanated from down the corridor.
He found Jason on his own in the kitchen – Grace across the room and utterly distracted as she excitedly surveyed her present haul – and for a moment he watched him work. There was that dancer’s poise again, a natural rhythm to the way he moved from the oven to the cupboards and back again, all quick turns and elegant reaches. Having danced for a time himself, Howard could appreciate that easy grace of his, could see the beauty in it. And his mind had always worked in beats and harmonies in any case, and Jason’s body seemed to move in those same familiar patterns that he’d always had that instinctive need to untangle. Jason hummed and shone in a way he was drawn to, and he took a moment to appreciate that ease of movement, that flow and charm. Howard remembered reading somewhere that real chemistry – real love – was only seven per cent the words being said. The rest was all tones of voice and body language. He could see the truth in that; he knew the truth in that first hand.
He came up behind Jason quietly, catching him by his hand as he turned to reach for a plate; Jason spun artfully around and Howard grinned at his surprised expression, the way his blue eyes glinted with faint amusement as he let himself be pulled flush against Howard’s body. For a moment they simply stared at each other, Jason’s expression expectant and knowing and Howard’s quietly intense as he reached up to touch his fingers to Jason’s cheek. He leant their foreheads together, his other hand finding Jason’s hip, his fingers slipping beneath the hem of his shirt. Jason’s skin was warm and his heartbeat felt wild and magical against Howard’s chest.
“You are everything to me, you know that?” Howard breathed, brushing the pad of his thumb slowly along Jason’s jawline, his hand coming to rest on his neck. Jason’s eyes were glittering in that way that said more than words and he rested his hands on Howard’s chest and pressed a brief kiss to his lips. His kiss tasted of sugar and promises and Howard closed his eyes for a moment, savouring it.
“That’s kind of the point, Donald,” Jason whispered, and Howard could feel his breath on his skin. He looked at Jason, at the face he’d been learning since the day he’d first walked into Barlow’s and taken on the challenge he’d found in those eyes.
“You know, someone once stood in the pouring rain and told me he didn’t think this was a good idea,” Howard murmured, amusement flickering across his face as Jason pursed his lips, tilting his head to one side in a show of confusion.
“Now what idiot told you that?” he asked, making Howard chuckle, and Jason moved to loop his arms around Howard’s neck, his back arching elegantly. Howard shook his head slightly, bringing both his hands up to cup Jason’s face.
“You’re maddening,” he told him, still smiling. “And we’re probably crazy.”
“I warned you,” Jason countered with a mischievous little shrug that made Howard laugh. “But I still accepted the challenge. I always do.” Jason smiled a soft, pink smile that tugged at the very corners of his lips. “Always will,” he added quietly. His voice was low and tender, like he was sharing secrets or saying a spell, his gaze focused so intently on Howard that he felt the sensation of it to his bones. A shiver went down his spine as he brought Jason’s lips to his own, kissing him slowly, enjoying the way his body leant into him. Promises and memories were tied up in that feeling of skin on skin and Howard got that feeling again, the one of certainty and uncertainty colliding until it was just the two of them left standing. It always felt so overwhelming and brilliant to hold Jason like this.
As they finally pulled apart, Howard opened his eyes and looked down at Jason with a quiet, rough smile.
“Hey, Jay?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t ever go changing.”
***
Jason tugged at his sleeves, pulling them down over his hands, which he balled into fists, squeezing so tightly his nails dug into his skin. He drew in a deep breath and swallowed hard, keeping his eyes trained on a patch of grey sky in the distance, even as he shivered at the cold draft that came from the window. He could feel her eyes on his back, could feel her watching him from where she perched on the edge of the bed. He knew she’d have that oddly hopeful look on her face and he didn’t want to see it – it hurt to look at, because he didn’t understand where it came from or why and despite everything he still couldn’t quite bear to see it crumble only to be replaced with that haunted, lost expression she’d had the night she’d first brought him here. He wanted to turn off his sympathy but he couldn’t – as stubborn and ready for a fight as he was, he wasn’t about to pretend she didn’t deserve some pity.
“What exactly do you want me to do with this information, Em?” he asked slowly, carefully. His voice was husky and sad and he wrapped his arms protectively around himself when he spoke. She didn’t seem to notice, too buoyed by the fact he’d called her ‘Em’ – she so liked it when he called her that. “Daft bastard never knows when he’s beaten,” he added softly, closing his eyes for a moment. Whatever image it was his mind conjured up behind his closed eyelids, it caused a brief smile to flit across his lips. Small and pale but more than she’d seen him muster in a long time.
“But why?” she demanded, hurt that his attention wasn’t on her, that he didn’t want to talk about this and didn’t seem to see why the whole thing hurt her so badly. “Why can’t he stop? Why does he care? Why did you make him care?” She shifted forwards slightly, a catch in her voice. “Didn’t you tell him, about me? About us?” The fragile, desperate edge to her words seemed to jar him, and he opened his eyes, turning to face her. As he looked at her face, the devastated expression there, he let out a heavy sigh, kneeling down in front of her and taking her hands in his own. The action forced her eyes up to his – some part of her suspected she had fallen into his trap that way but she couldn’t help it, his sudden tenderness overwhelming her.
“Emily,” he said, firm but gentle, and she looked back at him sullenly, resenting the scolding note in the way he said her name. “You know why. You know the answers to all of those questions – you just wish you didn’t. I mean…come on, you know this whole situation doesn’t make sense. Just look at me, and then look around us…you know, deep down, it’s not right. You don’t want to know and you’re trying so hard not to that it’s killing you, and driving both of us crazy.” She snatched her hands out of his at that, turning her head away and scrunching up her face.
“Stop it,” she snapped. He clenched his jaw but didn’t say anything and she used his sudden silence to steel herself, forcing back his words and closing off that weak, frantic part of her he’d opened up. “We could be happy if that man would just go away – why doesn’t he just go away? Why does he send the police after you when he should know you belong to me?” She turned and grabbed Jason’s hand back suddenly, not realising her own force and missing the wince of pain that crossed his face as she twisted his arm, pulling his hand close to her chest and holding it there tightly. “Why doesn’t he understand? Why won’t you make him understand?” she pleaded. His expression was strained but she hardly processed it, didn’t care to pay attention to the way he seemed to crumple slightly under the weight of her desperation.
“And what about you, Emily? Why is it that you want to put him through what you went through – through that loss and that pain? The not knowing?” His voice was quiet but the words still stung and she let go of his hand immediately, shoving him forcefully away so he fell backwards, crashing against the wall. He glared up at her defiantly and she glared right back, getting to her feet abruptly.
“I told you to stop!” she shouted. He simply turned his face away and clenched his jaw determinedly.
A lesser man would’ve broken a long time ago in the face of her erratic changes of mood and all the tension the two of them existed in – she wasn’t sure where that thought came from but she squashed it, balling her hands into fists and suddenly scrambling around the room, trying to find her bag and shoes.
“Emily, what are you doing?” he asked, but she ignored him, still searching around, throwing items into her bag as she went. “Emily, whatever it is you’re going to do please don’t do it – don’t hurt Howard. Because if you hurt him – if you say something to him or try and lie to him – then you hurt me. And you don’t want to hurt me, do you?” Emily stopped, standing dead still in the middle of the room. Slowly she turned back to him, looking at him with an unreadable expression. “Because you have hurt me, you know. You are hurting me – because I can’t get away from the fact that I’ve hurt him. Whether I meant to or not, he’s in pain right now; because of me, because of decisions I’ve made. You’ve hurt me more than you know, Emily. So just…don’t push this over the edge. Don’t get mad and go and make this any harder for him – for any of us. Ok?”
“I’m not trying to hurt you,” Emily whispered and Jason sighed, rubbing his hands over his face.
“And I’m not trying to hurt him. But I have. People don’t always mean it but it doesn’t change anything. You just have to try and put it right, you know? And we can claw it back, Emily. You can. Just…just at the very least promise me you won’t storm out and do something irreversibly damaging? Please?”
For a moment she just watched him, staring at him blankly. Her arms were folded, her short blonde hair falling in soft curls that framed her face. She looked so lost, so broken – for all that she could be angry and irrational, he understood the fractures that lay beneath it all and it made it so difficult. He was tired and he missed Howard so much and he felt the ache to his bones. But he was helpless. Sighing he sank back, resting his head against the wall and closing his eyes. He knew he’d get no promises out of her, but he longed to somehow make her understand, to at least try and sway her. “Despite everything, I still know, deep down, that love has this habit of finding a way. Real love finds a way,” he murmured, his voice cracked and earnest. “Howard believes that too. And he won’t stop, Emily. So…just let it go. For all our sakes: just let it go.”
For a long time she was silent, and Jason risked a cautious glance across to where she stood, stricken look still on her face.
“If…if real love finds a way then how come…how come-” She stopped suddenly, scrunching up her face and turning away. “No. No. You don’t get to trick me. And he doesn’t get to take you away from me. I’m going to find a way – I’m going to find a way for real love’s sake. And when all this is over, you’ll see. When he stops distracting you, you will see everything more clearly.”
***
Mark and Gary stood facing the bookcases, their hands on their hips in mirrored poses of trepidation. They weren’t sure exactly which point the songbooks had gone from untidy to insane; somewhere in all the chaos of the past weeks the shop had fallen into a new, peculiar routine which saw it somehow become quieter, emptier and yet still – magically – untidier. Mark spent his time zipping between the cafe and the shop, whilst Gary pottered about the shop from nine ‘til five, and neither man saw much of Howard during the working day, especially over the past couple of weeks as he had thrown himself back into his own work with – a probably unhealthy amount of – zeal. Yet, despite their busy schedules and their shared bafflement over how Jason had ever kept the songbooks in order, Mark and Gary both couldn’t help but feel it had perhaps reached the point where they should do something about the growing disaster in the shop’s usually well-kept side room. Little stacks of new songbooks sat in front of some of the bookcases, whilst other songbooks sat abandoned on completely the wrong shelves, and a thin layer of dust had collected atop of everything. Mark tilted his head slowly to one side as he surveyed it all, screwing up his face slightly in a mixture of amusement and confusion.
“You know, Jay would have a heart attack if he saw this,” he sighed at last, flashing that wry, nostalgic smile that always followed Jason’s name these days. Gary smiled quietly too, folding his arms and leaning in to inspect the spines of the songbooks on the shelf in front of him, trying to figure out what exactly Jason’s system had been before everything had gone to pieces in his absence.
“You know, a woman actually came in yesterday, stopped dead in her tracks and asked what happened. A regular; violin teacher I think, but Jay normally deals with her so I could be wrong. Anyway, she seemed convinced the world was ending – I thought she was just exaggerating but now that I look at the state of it in here, I’m starting to think she might have a point,” Gary said with a sigh, leaning back and shaking his head slightly.
“I don’t know if it cheers you up any, but I can’t think of anyone I’d rather be with for the end of the world,” Mark replied, flicking a glittering smile in Gary’s direction, and Gary couldn’t help but chuckle, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and kissing his cheek.
“I appreciate the thought, Marko, but I would just like to point out that there’s not much call for a songwriter when the sky’s falling in,” he remarked, but Mark’s smile only widened.
“But you could write me a song for the end of the world – I wouldn’t mind you singing to me whilst the sky was falling in, actually,” he beamed, flecks of gold lighting up his grey-blue eyes and bringing a smile to Gary’s own lips.
“What a ridiculously beautiful thing to say, Mr.Owen” he murmured, cupping Mark’s cheek in his hand and pressing a kiss to his forehead. Mark stepped in closer, grabbing Gary’s free hand tightly and intertwining their fingers.
“So, what do you say, Barlow? How about a song for the end of the world? We can put off the songbooks for another day – leave it long enough of Jay will show up just to sort ‘em,” he shrugged mischievously, raising up onto his tiptoes and waggling his eyebrows, everything about him impish and fascinating.
Gary was always left unbalanced by Mark’s peculiar mix of lightness and shadow, that strange melancholic way he’d talk sometimes only to turn around in the next moment with bright, excited eyes and an innocent smile. He was five years old and five hundred years old all at once, and rarely anything in between, and Gary loved nothing more than to watch him bob about, all kinetic energy and jaunty clockwork motion. For a moment he simply watched him, taking in every quirk, cataloguing the soft, smiling lines of his face.
“You know, Marko, I do actually have a song for you,” he whispered at last, lightly tugging on Mark’s hand and pulling him away from the shelves.
Silently Mark followed Gary through the shop, letting himself be led without question, eyes shining with excitement and affection as Gary placed a tentative kiss to his palm before turning and spinning Mark down the step and into the piano room. He let him go then, brilliant blue eyes meeting Mark’s briefly as he smiled knowingly, suddenly in his element as he got to play the showman, sitting himself down at his favourite baby grand with a flourish. Mark smiled curiously, eyebrows quirked slightly, and as Gary began to play, he sat himself down beside him, looping his arm around his waist and closing his eyes to take in the notes. That was when Gary began to sing.
“Put your head against my life,
What do you hear?
A million words just trying to make the love song of the year.
Close your eyes but don't forget
What you have heard,
A man who's trying to say three words, the words that make me scared…” Gary’s voice was steady and crisp and Mark couldn’t help but lose himself in the warmth of it, resting his head against Gary’s shoulder and enjoying the vibration of his song as it travelled through his bones. At his side, Gary glanced down at him with a proud, affectionate smile, leaning a little into his playing, enjoying the snatched moment of magic, the rare feeling of all being well briefly filling the little shop despite the turmoil of the last month. He really wasn’t good at spontaneous sentimentality; he was a man who preferred to have a plan in place, a course plotted. He was never convinced he was saying or doing the right thing unless he had thought it over in advance. Yet he was confident in his music, and he could see from the look on Mark’s face that his music was speaking for him clearly. “A million love songs later
And here I am trying to tell you that I care.
A million love songs later and here I am,” Gary went on, and beside him Mark sat up, opening his eyes to watch Gary in fond awe, a placid smile on his lips and a light in his eyes as he leant in to press a kiss to his cheek.
“Please Gaz, don’t stop or I’ll cry,” he breathed.
“Looking to the future now,
This is what I see
A million chances pass me by,
A million chances to hold you.
Take me back, take me back,
To where I used to be,
To hide away from all my truth through the light I see…” Gary cast a sidelong glance at Mark and found his voice trailing off, his fingers still playing lightly but his concentration now on Mark’s sad, round face. He turned and brushed at the corners of Mark’s eyes, preventing any tears from falling, and Mark offered him a watery smile, shrugging slightly. And somehow, Gary knew what Mark was thinking, and felt a wave of sadness came over him too. They sat staring at each other for a beat – the air was bittersweet and heavy and Mark swallowed down his tears, reaching out to squeeze Gary’s hand.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured in a small voice and Gary smiled softly.
“Don’t be. I understand…it’s been a while since there was any new music in this place,” he replied. “It’s funny, isn’t it…music has saved me – you, all of us – so many times in the past, but right now…it doesn’t feel any more right than anything else. I don’t know if it’ll ever be the same again. And that’s terrifying.” Gary shook his head slightly, letting out a hollow laugh and turning his eyes skywards. “God, I sound like a drama queen don’t I,” he sighed, but Mark shook his head, squeezing his hand again and resting his head back down on his shoulder.
“No. You sound like a bloke whose best friend walked away one night but didn’t make it home,” he said quietly. “And I know what you mean. I don’t know if it’ll ever feel the way it should feel…but music is all we know, isn’t it? You, me and Howard; we’ve always used it to cope. Maybe that feeling will come back eventually. But for now all we can do is hope.” Mark sniffed slightly and Gary wrapped his arms around him, kissing the top of his head and hoping that – if he held him close enough – a fresh batch of tears could be prevented. “You know, Howard’s world really must be ending if even the music’s not the same. And there’s no one to sing to him – I just don’t know how we ever make that seem ok.”
“We don’t,” Gary replied sadly, wishing he had a better answer to give, one less likely to result in more tears. “All we do is keep going. We remember. We feel the pain when it comes and we try not to feel guilty when it goes.” He blew out a shaky breath and closed his eyes, feeling Mark let out a shuddery gasp against him and realising he was probably crying again.
“I hate it so much, Gaz. This feeling that he’s probably never coming home. That we might never see him again and that that goodbye that night…was our last chance,” Mark mumbled into Gary’s chest. Gary was rocking him slightly now, trying his best to prevent his own tears but finding it hard. “And Howard…” Mark trailed off and Gary winced.
“You never get over that kind of love, do you,” he whispered. Mark shook his head as best he could from where his face was buried in Gary’s chest. “God, Marko. I know this sounds so selfish but…I’m so glad it isn’t you out there.” Mark pushed himself up and Gary looked down at him, meeting his teary eyes and flashing him a sad smile. “I wouldn’t cope, you know,” he added and Mark returned his smile, taking his face in his hands and meeting his eyes determinedly.
“Don’t think like that, Barlow. I’m here and I’m ok – and Jay would be the first to tell you you’re being daft to feel guilty about that.”
“I know,” Gary sighed, looked down. “I know that, I do. And I know that wasting time crying doesn’t change anything and I know that I should just be happy you’re here and to hell with the rest of it. But I can’t do it…it’s not who I am.” Mark nodded dejectedly, curling back into Gary’s embrace and tucking his head beneath his chin.
“So maybe we should write a song for Jay, then. Work on something that might help but we don’t have to feel guilty about.”
“Maybe…maybe in time. But for now I think we should just start with a brew and some hard graft on those songbooks.” Gary leant back and looked into Mark’s face. “You put the kettle on and I’ll make a start.” Mark smiled a weak little smile that didn’t reach his eyes, but his nod was purposeful and determined.
“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”
***
“Today, police released a further appeal for information following the disappearance of a Salford man. Jason Orange disappeared from his apartment building following dinner with friends on January 15th this year and was last seen on the building’s ground floor CCTV, entering at approximately twenty minutes to ten that night. Aside from DNA evidence at Mr.Orange’s building, police have failed to find any trace of the Salford Quays resident and are appealing for help from the public. His car is also still missing…” Jason closed his eyes and tuned out the rest of what the woman on the radio was saying. It was surreal hearing details of his own life being repeated back to him so clinically and it made his whole body tense in a mixture of pain and anxiety. He risked a brief glance at Emily, but she, as ever, acted as though the report was of no consequence, clicking away determinedly on her laptop, her pretty green eyes narrowed in concentration. For one, irrational moment he wished he could pretend as easily as she could, but he knew there was nothing healthy about that and he quickly pushed the idea away. He missed home so much it made him feel ill, but he’d rather that sick feeling in the pit of his stomach than the aching emptiness he saw in Emily’s eyes sometimes.
Closing his eyes, Jason rested his head back and concentrated on breathing deeply. He missed Howard and home and life. He missed fresh air and music. The weight of it crashed into him and he pulled himself in tighter, wrapping his arms around himself protectively. When he finally reopened his eyes, it took a moment to focus back on the room around him, took a second to blink away all the pictures in his head of Howard’s smile, sunlight catching in his brazen blue eyes. There was no hint of sun on the horizon today, though, the sky a blank expanse of pale grey that suggested more rain was to come before the end of the day.
Just then, a familiar sound caught his attention. At first he thought he’d imagined it – but then he realised it was coming from the radio and he turned sharply around to look at it, as though he couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing: Howard’s voice.
“…I know Jason. I know he wouldn’t do this – to me, to his family. He doesn’t break promises. He doesn’t walk out in the middle of the night and not tell anyone where he’s going. So all I can do is wait. And hope. And keep believing in him. So if anyone knows anything, even if it seems like it might not matter because you think some bloke just ran away, then please just stop and think again. Just think for a moment how much empty space one person can leave behind and how much difference it could make to fill that space, even if it’s just with half-answers and nothing more.” Jason swallowed down the lump in his throat.
“Oh How,” he whispered. Over on the bed, Emily didn’t move; she was watching the radio with a distant look in her eyes, her expression fraught, her brow furrowed slightly. The news moved on to a new story, but neither one of them moved or spoke, both caught in a tense, wordless space. A sadness settled into the peace and it radiated off both of them; Jason could still hear the strained note in Howard’s voice, echoing around his head.
“You never get over that kind of love.” Emily’s voice was so soft Jason barely heard it, but it still startled him slightly to hear that broken tone interrupt the quiet. “That kind of love just gets burned into you, I think. And trying to live without it isn’t like living at all…it’s like you’re underwater or something. You’re still alive but everything’s harder. Nothing looks the same.” Emily pulled her knees up to her chest and squeezed her eyes shut. “It’s not that you can’t live without them, it’s just that everything is different and harder…and not…not real.” Jason watched her curiously, sympathetic but also nervous, having come to expect these moments of weakness to quickly be followed by an explosion of irrational anger or determination. “I never said ‘I love you’ enough.” Jason looked away at that, aware that she’d all but forgotten he was even there, lost in her own personal pain. “But I can put it back…I can put it back, I can make it right.” Emily sat up a little, her head suddenly snapping to look at Jason – she stared at him but she seemed to see through him at the same time and Jason hardly dared move, uncertain what turn this was going to take. “I know how to fix it,” she whispered. Jason felt his whole body tense and he looked at her anxiously.
“Emily,” he said nervously, his voice as firm as he could manage when tears were threatening his eyes. He blinked them back furiously, determined not to wait this long just to break over the sound of Howard’s voice, of his unwavering faith and his love. If Howard could stay strong then he could and he was desperate to try and keep control of himself, knowing he would need to keep his wits about him to get through whatever it was Emily had planned next. “Emily, listen to me: you heard him just then, you heard what he said – that love doesn’t go away, you said it yourself. There is no fixing this unless-”
“No. No, don’t do this again, don’t try and tell me what to think,” Emily cut him off sharply, getting to her feet. Jason held his breath as she crossed the room towards him in a flurry, coming to sit in front of him and taking a painfully tight grip of his forearms. “You listen to me: I’m going to fix everything. But you can’t let him upset you, you can’t, ok? I’m going to fix this, you just have to listen to what I tell you. When I’m ready? I will make it better. I will put it back together again. And it will be ok.”
“I don’t know what you think you can do, Emily, but I know that man and I am telling you now he won’t stop. Howard Donald is a fight you can’t win and a challenge I fully intend to take back up myself – I’m sorry and I understand, but I won’t pretend for you. He won’t give up and neither will I.” The rain began to tap its fingertips against the window, staccato and angry, and Emily’s grip tightened as she met Jason’s gaze fiercely.
“He can have nothing but raindrops and memories for all I care. I need to fix this. And I won’t give up either.”
***
Mark and Gary jumped apart as the sound of the shop’s bell cut through the air and they saw the somewhat bedraggled form of Howard Donald crossing the threshold. He was soaking wet; his dark curls were flattened to his head and his coat was spattered with raindrops, his face pale from cold and a lopsided smile on his lips as he caught sight of Mark and Gary’s guilty expressions.
“You do realise I’m perfectly capable of seeing people happy and together without having a total emotional breakdown, right?” he asked wryly, plucking at his wet clothes gingerly and rolling his eyes. He’d been coming to the shop a little more frequently over the past week, making his work schedule less frantic and spending more time with Mark and Gary as well as Grace. He’d long ago written off any hope of turning to Jason’s family, so instead he gave his attention to the family he and Jason had created for themselves, finding strength in the way they saw his stubbornness as steel and not as some sort of admission of guilt. The ache of missing Jason was still there, he just tried his best not to acknowledge it, doing everything he could to fill spaces and silences and trying to ignore the sensation of drowning that came over him when he finally found himself alone again each night, the silence so loud it kept him awake and the shadows playing tricks on him in the empty corners of the bedroom.
“Was it this morning that Kathryn and Ben were coming over?” Mark asked, his tone achingly gentle. Howard sighed, burying his hands in his pockets and studying a scuff mark on the shop’s old wooden floor. The family liaisons officers were good at their jobs, almost a little too good, and as much as Howard liked them and was grateful for their hard work, he couldn’t shake the sadness that came over him every time he had to confront the reality that he was a man whose life now involved family liaisons officers and police press releases.
“Just Ben this time, actually – he was trusted out on his own since all he had to do was tell me the exact same thing they’ve told me every meeting for weeks.”
“I’m sorry, mate,” Gary said and Howard smiled sadly.
“Not your fault. Nothing seems to have come of this second appeal…they don’t see much point making another one. To be honest, we all know there’s not much more they can do at this point. I know I’m not giving up on him…but it feels like I am. It feels like everyone is.” Howard swallowed, closing his eyes for a moment. Being in the shop, he could almost hear Jason’s warm, rough voice in his head – I’ll let you call me Jay, I’ll hold you to that, Hello again, Howard Donald, Challenge accepted – and a ghost of a smile flitted across his lips. That man forever played on his mind, proof that he wasn’t really giving up on him, he supposed, but he felt guilty all the same. Shouldn’t he be getting angry, begging Kathryn and Ben to somehow make their colleagues work harder, demanding answers and shouting at the rain?
“So they think it’s more or less over? Nothing else to do? Just…unanswered questions and a hope he’ll turn up one day?” Mark’s voice was small and pinched, a defeated note in it that suggested he knew the answer to his questions.
“Technically they can’t close the investigation ‘til the find him or find a satisfactory explanation for what happened that night. Not officially anyway,” Howard said quietly. “But it can’t stay as an active investigation forever. A city as big as ours, they just can’t make Jay a priority when stuff’s happening every day.” Howard shrugged helplessly and Mark nodded, looking down.
“I know. It just seems so…wrong. I can’t get my head around it, don’t think I ever will.”
“No,” Howard agreed quietly. “But it helps that…it helps that I’m still so sure of Jay, you know? That this isn’t him. I might not know anything else but I know Jay wouldn’t do this.”
“Even if Jay did run away, he’d be back within the hour. Full of guilt and apologies,” Gary chuckled fondly, shaking his head slightly. “No, you’re right. This isn’t Jay. I just…sometimes I think that makes it worse in a way. Something bad happened that night and we might never know what it was but…we still just have to go on without him.”
The three men lapsed into silence. Outside the sounds of normal life could be heard; a police siren, a chorus of shrieking girls laughing as they ducked out of the rain, a car speeding off and the splash of someone tramping through a puddle. “God I miss him,” Gary muttered, almost to himself, and Howard smiled sadly.
“I’m thinking of getting some sort of a badge made up to say the exact same thing,” he put in softly. Gary nodded.
“Ok. Ok. We’ve been maudlin and miserable for long enough – Jay would want to give us all a smack round the chops if he caught us spending the day this way,” he said abruptly, slapping his hands on his thighs and getting purposefully to his feet. “I vote we shut up the shop early and go to the pub; sound like a plan?” he enquired, looking at Howard first before turning to Mark.
“I’m game if Howard is,” Mark shrugged.
“A drink sounds good about now,” Howard agreed and Gary smiled determinedly.
“Perfect. Let’s get out of here,” he said, offering out a hand to Mark and helping him to his feet. “I think there’s a brolly in the back room…Jay’s forward-thinking to the rescue again.”
There were a lot of places within walking distance of the shop, all familiar haunts to them and with very little to choose between them. But there was one place that was perfect for forgetting the world for a while; The Rose And Crown was one of those rare places that always seemed peaceful, even when it was packed full, and the three of them easily found a spot in the corner to huddle together and chat. Gary bought the first round as Mark and Howard set about drying themselves off, Mark fussing over Howard’s wet coat and muttering about it ruining the material if it wasn’t dried off properly. Howard found it oddly calming to be joking and talking nonsense again; that ache of missing Jason still pulled at him, but with Mark and Gary his laughter was genuine, not forced, his interest in their conversations about music and the world enough to distract him and make him feel more human than he had in weeks. Even talking about Jason didn’t seem to hurt as much – it felt natural to talk about him with them, to tease and banter about him just the way they would if he were there.
“Can I ask you a weird question about you and Jay?” They were well into Howard’s round when Mark ventured a question that had been on his mind for some time, and they were probably way beyond him really needing to ask permission, but he was cautious all the same, watching Howard anxiously for his reaction. For a beat Howard continued to sip at his drink, his eyes on the middle distance, but then he smiled – a little shyly – and inclined his head slightly in acceptance, so Mark set down his drink and pulled his legs up to sit cross-legged, taking a deep breath before he continued. He was still nestled in the crook of Gary’s arm but his focus was all on Howard now, round eyes misty and curious. “You know that thing you have…that thing the two of you have where you can be snapping at each other like crazy but still holding hands or wrapped up in each other’s arms?” Howard’s lips twitched into another small smile and Mark grinned slightly, taking that as agreement. “You’ve got your own secret language and it’s totally at odds with itself sometimes – that’s the thing I mean. And I s’pose what I want to know is…what is that? What is going on between the two of you that the rest of us are always just scrambling to figure out?” Mark’s eyes scanned Howard’s face; he saw a trace of sadness about his expression, but his eyes were smiling, even as he looked down and began to play restlessly with his hands. Mark almost wondered if he was going to shake his head and say he couldn’t talk about it, but, after a moment, Howard shrugged slightly, tipping his head back and letting out a long breath.
“You know how sometimes you meet people and you can just feel every ugly, stupid part of you come crashing out?” Mark’s brow furrowed slightly but he nodded and Howard’s lips quirked into a faintly amused smile. “And then sometimes you meet people who bring out all the good stuff – the jokes and the confidence and happiness?” Mark nodded again and Howard chuckled slightly, rolling his eyes. “I’m not a romantic like you pair; not in the sunshine, rainbows and love songs way anyway. I’m all or nothing when it comes to getting soppy, because once I start talking about that sort of stuff I find it hard to stop, so I would always rather make a joke than pour my heart out. I don’t even really believe in love at first sight. But what I do know is that I’ve never met anyone before who brings out every part of who I am, so easily, or so instantly as that man does.” He glanced up at Mark, flicking his gaze between him and Gary before quickly looking away again, shifting awkwardly under their intrigued expressions. “When I’m with Jay, it’s everything, you know? The daft, the amazing, the ugly, the smart. The stubborn – that’s good and bad sometimes. The funny, the honest, the stupid…the love. It’s like this adrenaline rush you can’t even process half the time. It’s addictive, because suddenly you feel alive like you’ve never known before and you chase it: it's like when you find one of those songs that captures something in you and it makes you want to listen to it on repeat for the rest of your life. You just know: I’d follow this man straight into oblivion just so I could keep getting that high.”
The three of them lapsed into silence, Gary and Mark’s eyes still on Howard and Howard’s eyes trained intently on the ceiling. Slowly, Gary sat back and smiled.
“You might not be a romantic, but you’re fearless; you know that, Howard Donald?” he murmured and Howard looked over at him with a small, bashful grin.
“It’s not really about being fearless, you know. It’s about being fucking terrified but still letting someone grab a hold of you and say ‘If we’re going down, we’re going down together’ – you don’t have a clue what you’re doing but it’s somehow still ok.” Howard shrugged. “It’s always been the same, with me and him. We can be afraid in the dark together, we can cry together…no one knows except the two of us and that just…it makes it ok. And right now I feel like I’m just waiting for the night to come when we’re back there again – I can’t bring myself to be scared or break down because I’d fall apart without him there to glue the pieces back. It’s what we do. And I know, I’ve not been alone in the world since the day I met him – that’s what I have to keep reminding myself, because if I didn’t…I think I’d have fallen apart weeks ago.”
***
Howard woke up to the sound of the rain, pattering in irregular beats against the bedroom window. He was lying on his stomach, face half-buried in his pillow, and he opened one eye, squinting at the room, vaguely disorientated. He was still getting used to the phenomena of staying at Jason’s through the night – it wasn’t such a new thing anymore, but he still felt a slight thrill in it when Jason whispered ‘Stay’ against his lips as they kissed goodnight. Such a simple word, but it had to be earned from Jason’s mouth, tied up for him – as it was – with trust and promises and never to be taken for granted. It was never said quite the same way twice, Howard found, not by Jason. When he had asked tonight it had been a tentative whisper, murmured against his skin like a plea or a secret, a brief window into a weakness Jason didn’t expose to just anyone. That was why Howard wasn’t surprised to find Jason was awake now, sitting cross-legged on the bed and staring out of the window with a quietly uneasy look on his face, even as his bright blue eyes glittered in the bedroom’s half-light. It was a dark, cloudy night, but enough moonlight fell in through the window to cast the room in shades of pale grey and for a moment Howard watched the way the shadows danced across Jason’s sharp, handsome face.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Howard asked softly after a minute or two had passed in silence. Jason didn’t look at him, but a small smile tugged at the corners of his lips and he looked down at his hands. Howard had seen this man dance in his living room, seen him mutter curses under his breath when he thought no one was listening, seem him playful and flirtatious and lazy and everything in between. He knew him. He knew what it was like to see him lost – the strange part was to see him lost and not try to hide it. The intimacy of that made his heartbeat stutter a little in his ribcage. Slowly Howard pushed himself up and out of the covers, sitting himself down opposite Jason and mirroring his pose – the action brought Jason’s gaze up to meet his own and he sat silently for a moment, letting Jason study his face thoughtfully.
“Sometimes I don’t think it’s healthy how much I need you, you know that?” he murmured at last. His lips were curved as he said it, and Howard knew Jason well enough to know that it wasn’t the rejection that it sounded like. “If it’s not then I don’t care,” Jason added then, meeting Howard’s gaze briefly and flashing him a tiny smile. For a moment he held the look, then slowly let out a sigh, his eyes drifting back to the window. “What gave me away?” he asked, more quietly, and Howard smiled.
“A lot of things. Mostly that you didn’t look at me when you asked me to stay tonight,” he answered with a half-shrug and Jason let out a small laugh, glancing away and trying to suppress his smile.
“You know all my tells and secrets, Howard Donald,” he said after a beat.
“It goes both ways,” Howard reminded him gently and Jason inclined his head slightly, meeting Howard’s eyes once more with a hint of a smile.
“Two strangers in a dark room making promises – I feel like that should scare me more,” he said thoughtfully.
“We’ve never really been strangers though, you and me,” Howard replied softly. He saw the light dance in Jason’s eyes as his lips twisted into a gorgeously tender expression.
“No. I guess not,” he whispered back.
It was strange how intimate it felt to sit – not touching – across from each other and listen to the rain, the sound of each other breathing. The shadows of the room should’ve seemed dangerous and uncertain, but there was nothing unknown to Howard about Jason’s body being close, nothing daunting about knowing this pause – this peace – was simply the slightest breath of what the full force of him was truly like. Jason was glorious and brilliant – Howard loved his lightning just as much as his tenderness, loved his wild heartbeat just as much as his lazy laughs. His sharp edges and angles fell away in the moonlight, though, leaving him exposed, imperfect and beautiful, and he looked at Howard with a calm sort of honesty, blue eyes dazzling and piercing even in the semi-darkness. His pale lips twisted into a lopsided smile, as though he could hear Howard’s thoughts. “Sometimes I feel like I’m playing at being someone I’m not really…because with some people it’s too hard to just be myself – they don’t understand and I’d rather they didn’t anyway. And then I turn around and there you are; and suddenly I can’t pretend anymore because you’ve brought out everything without even trying.” He swallowed and closed his eyes, taking a moment to clear his head. Howard allowed him the time, understanding and patient, and eventually he reopened his eyes, looking down at his hands again with a small sigh. “I got in an argument with my dad today. I don’t know, I guess he remembers things differently to me… sometimes I think he just magically wants me to be over it all, wants to act like he didn’t go away for all that time and to make out that I’m still the same kid he left behind.” Howard ached at the broken tone in Jason’s voice, sympathy and protectiveness mingling inside him and making his chest feel tight and his body feel heavy. Some of those jagged edges that made Jason so beautiful, so fascinating – they were the wounds and scars left behind by what had happened with his dad, and Howard knew it. As sad as it was, it made him glorious and complex, it had helped form him into this captivating human being who could pull people in with a smile and make them think about things in ways no one else could. Jason had emerged from it all with a dry wit and a streak of stubborn loyalty that ran to his core – he had also emerged from it with a certain melancholy too, though, a sense of displacement and insecurity that had never fully left him, a bruise of distrust that was only now starting to fade. And his guards, the ones he had long kept up even for those people he was closest to, guards only truly let down for the first time when he sat with Howard in the dark. To ignore that was to ignore the fire and light that was this man, to pretend nothing had changed in him for good or bad was to betray him almost as much as leaving. And Howard wanted to say all that, but when he looked at Jason, Jason met his eyes and the words died on his lips. Because, defiant as ever, Jason’s eyes blazed back at him, unwavering, grateful and honest. Howard felt a slow smile colour his lips; Jason knew what Howard saw when he looked at him – knew that Howard had catalogued all the different ways he said ‘stay’ and understood each one’s meaning and significance without once needing the scars and sharp edges to be explained or hidden away. So Howard simply held out his hand, his eyes still on Jason’s – blue, brilliant and intense – and Jason smiled softly back at him, taking his hand and letting him clasp it tight.
***
Jason could feel the faint warmth of the sunshine on his face before he opened his eyes. His whole body ached and he could feel the nagging of the crick in his neck but he was reluctant to move, to even so much as open his eyes. Emily was gone, he knew because he couldn’t hear the sounds of her moving around the place; she had a frantic, restless energy about her and she would move around aimlessly sometimes, rattling her keys or dusting away imaginary dirt from her clothes, never staying still for long. It was exhausting and he welcomed the relief, even if he knew it would be short-lived. She’d been more frantic than ever since that day that Howard’s soft, broken voice had pierced the room, shaking at both their senses. He knew why he was so affected by it – Howard could be so gentle, so tender sometimes that it almost made him cry, and distance did nothing to dull that pull he had on him. But the way it affected Emily confused him; it had unbalanced her, unexpectedly drawn something just close enough to the surface to spook her and send her into an almost blind frenzy of determination. She was plotting – always plotting and muttering, whispering under her breath then catching herself when she remembered he was still there, or turning away when she felt his eyes on her. He was past caring what it was she did to him – he had plenty of bruises, cuts and sprains from her chaotic moods and he didn’t see what difference it would make if he earned a few more. It was impossible to avoid even if he wanted to; whilst she never seemed to intend to injure him, she had a total disconnect between herself and her own strength, too wild and anxious to notice when her hands gripped that bit too tightly or her arms flew out with unexpected force. No, Jason didn’t even register what she did to him. It was Howard he was worried for – every ounce of her energy and focus seemed to have turned on him, as though wounding him enough to make him stay down would somehow act as the switch that flipped everything in her world back to the way she wanted it to be. But what it would take to make Howard go down and stay there, Jason wasn’t sure – something catastrophic, he suspected, though the thought terrified him.
It was an hour before the peace was shattered – he heard the front door open and shut, listened to the familiar sequence of latches and locks and used to the time to prepare himself for battle, dredging up everything he had left in his reserves. He opened his eyes slowly and took a deep breath as the next sequence of chains and bolts began, the jangle of keys in the lock the final warning before the door finally flew open.
Emily crossed the room in a flurry, her blonde hair flying out behind her, her eyes wide and suddenly filled with a wild hope that sent a shiver of anxiety through Jason’s body. She stood before him for a moment, an unreadable smile on her lips, before suddenly falling upon him forcefully, grabbing his upper arms and looking down on him like he were a child. Her perfume was sweet and he couldn’t help but look at the soft lines of her face and think of the kind, quiet person he suspected lay just beneath the frenetic, desperate girl he’d come to know. She gripped him so tightly her nails dug into his skin, even through his shirt, as she looked in his face for some trace of shared excitement, or happiness to see her, but Jason simply looked up at her, unflinching and defiant. She was looking for something in his face that wasn’t there – looking for someone who never had been there to begin with – and he saw her crumple, just slightly, when she didn’t find what it was she so needed.
“You’ll see and you’ll be happy eventually,” she told him softly, touching a hand to his cheek. He closed his eyes and turned away but she simply leant in closer, leaning her forehead to his and ignoring the slight wince that crossed his features as she did. “I’ve worked it out – the way to make him stop and go away so we can fix everything.”
“He won’t just lie down and think what you want him to think, Emily – that man will keep getting back up no matter how many times you knock him down. If he knew when he was beaten then he wouldn’t be with me.”
“Stop that, stop doing that! Stop worrying about him,” she said firmly, her grip on his arm tightening even as she traced the fingers of her other hand tenderly along his jawline. “I’m putting an end to all the confusion. I’m going to end the lies for him and for you. And then you’ll be free…and you and me? We can go back to how it used to be.” She brushed her thumb along his cheek and Jason shrunk back as far as he could, desperate to get away from her touch but with nowhere to run. “I’m going to fix everything, you just have to trust me – I know how to make it better now. For all of us.”
***
Howard jolted awake as his chin hit his chest. It took a moment for the fog of sleep to clear his brain and he blinked rapidly, looking around the empty bedroom and re-cataloguing the empty spaces. The bedroom was covered by a now-familiar blanket of silence, pierced only by the sound of the wind whipping up outside, the occasional gusts roaring past the windows and briefly echoing through the whole apartment. He looked at the empty side of the bed disconsolately, careful not to encroach into the space. Funny how, now that Jason wasn’t there, it suddenly seemed right to observe the boundary he had spent so much time ignoring in the past. So many mornings he had woken up and slung an arm across, pulling Jason closer or edging over onto his pillow to whisper and tease and coax and challenge, sometimes even to argue, picking up where they’d left off the night before and bickering on like no time had passed at all, bodies always close, limbs winding together even through their disagreements. Confessions and promises had so often been exchanged across this space, soft whispers that could barely be heard over the rustle of sheets or the sound of the rain. He had never imagined the shadows of their bedroom could become so cold and he wondered if that would ever become less of a foreign feeling to him, wondered if there would come a day when he didn’t notice the way the silence roared in his ears when there was no one to tell him stories and offer him teases in the dark of midnight, no one laughing with him in the colourless early morning light. It hurt, existing this way. But the pain was a feeling at least, a reminder of that love that proved how important it was, how much a part of him it had become – Howard wasn’t sure he ever wanted that reminder to go away, feared what it meant if he could simply get over it.
Huffing out a breath, Howard climbed off the bed and headed for the lounge. He made a beeline for the remote, switching on the TV and turning up the volume, determined to try and fill the silence with something and not really caring what. The local news was on, the focus on the trial of a man accused of shooting a police officer – the officer in question had lived in his and Jason’s apartment building with his wife, though they hadn’t known him, and Howard shook his head slightly. The wife had moved out almost immediately after the shooting and Howard was ashamed to say he’d almost forgotten about it altogether – things shifted out of the news so easily, after all; Jason’s name had long ago dropped from their local headlines when nothing had come from the police’s second major appeal. He sighed and changed the channel. Pain was relative, he supposed; just because there were people facing more hideous situations than his own didn’t make his own emotions any less valid, but he felt a stab of guilt nonetheless and he wanted to distract himself with something mindless and mundane. A cooking programme filled the screen and he relaxed a little against the cushions, letting his eyes lose focus so the screen was nothing more than a few blurs of colour, the words a soothing mumble of nonsense that effectively broke the peace and stopped his mind lingering for too long on things he didn’t want to think about.
Of course, Jason was still always there, pressing at the corners of his thoughts. He’d live his whole life that way, he suspected – no matter what happened next, he would always be a man holding his breath, waiting for a moment that might never come but unable to ever fully squash his hope. As long as there were pictures of Jason at his side to go in the frames, as long as there were still post-its with Jason’s handwriting scrawled across them being used as bookmarks and that faded patch on one of the kitchen counters where Jason had set down a saucepan which had been left on the hotplate too long – as long all those things were there, Jason was there, still somehow made present in Howard’s mind.
The sound of his phone ringing was what shook him from his thoughts, and it took him a while to find it. The scramble to find it reminded him just how much of a mess he was letting the apartment get into, and he resolved to undo the damage later, not wanting to run the risk of Jason magically returning only to find total chaos in his previously immaculate home. In the end he found his phone in his jacket pocket, his jacket having been discarded on the armchair the previous night, and he grabbed it up hurriedly, sinking down into the armchair as he did so, only to wince and pull out a book from under him, tossing it down onto the coffee table as he finally answered the phone breathlessly.
“Hello?”
“There you are!” Gary Barlow’s tone was light but Howard heard the undercurrent of genuine relief there. “New rule; everybody calls everybody else to make sure they got home safely. This is the fourth time I’ve rung you, you know that?” Gary added, and Howard smiled slightly guiltily.
“Sorry, mate. I didn’t think…I was so exhausted I just headed straight for bed. Stared at the ceiling for three hours but I did finally get some sleep – which I think is progress.”
“Well I don’t begrudge you that,” Gary replied kindly. “Anyway, Mark and me are off out in a bit – thought we’d take Cadbury to the park and get some fresh air. Might be good for you too if you want to join; I know you don’t get out of that apartment nearly enough these days,” he offered and Howard smiled wryly to himself before glancing out of the window at the ominously dark Manchester sky.
“If you’re trying to say I don’t get out much, then I would just like to point out that we’ve had three thunderstorms the past week. Are you sure you want to risk going out to the park on a day like today? It looks ready to pour, you know.”
“Oh, I know – believe me, I’ve had this conversation with Mark three times already. He’s adamant we need fresh air though, and you know what he’s like once he’s got an idea in his head.” Gary’s tone was dry but amused and Howard chuckled softly. He could just picture Mark, hands on hips, staring at the sky before declaring it ‘not that bad’ and pressing on. “Anyway, when we’ve towelled ourselves dry and defrosted we were thinking of ordering in a curry – think that sounds any more tempting than puddle-snorkelling with two hyperactive puppies and one very soggy Barlow?” Gary offered and Howard laughed.
“Sure, count me in. Although…is it ok if we do it at my place? I just…I need to be here right now. Just in case.”
“Of course, mate. We’ll see you there.”
***
As Howard began to set out the takeaway cartons, Mark quickly disentangled himself from Gary’s arms, hopping up from the sofa and bounding across the room to help get together the plates and cutlery.
“Calm down, y’ little pixie,” Gary chuckled, also getting to his feet and coming over to help Howard. “Anyone would think I hadn’t fed him all week,” he added and Mark pulled a face.
“I’m being helpful, Barlow,” he challenged, waving his hand dismissively. “Anyway, I can’t help it that I burn energy quickly.”
“Pretty sure your sugar-only diet is the reason for that, actually – so you’re not so innocent after all,” Howard put in with a smirk and Mark feigned outrage.
“You steal all my fizzy cola bottles and you know it, Howard” he countered, setting down the plates and cutlery and crossing over to join Gary by the breakfast bar, wrapping an arm around his waist. “Besides, I need all that sugar to keep me sweet,” he beamed and Gary chuckled.
“Oh do you now?” he asked, kissing Mark’s nose. Howard rolled his eyes fondly, turning to grab some extra cutlery from a drawer.
Just as he was turning back to start dishing up the food, the sound of a key in the apartment door distracted him and he, Mark and Gary all looked across just in time for the door to open and Jason to step inside. He seemed slightly surprised to find three pairs of eyes on him as he shut the door behind him, and he raised his eyebrows enquiringly.
“You are all aware I live here, you know?” he pointed out with a smirk, setting down his bag and keys and coming over to join them in kitchen. “Besides, I’m not going to let you lot eat all the curry,” he added as he leant into Howard’s side, pressing a kiss to his cheek and letting him wrap an arm around his waist.
“Tough day, love?” he asked, his voice soft and knowing, and Jason rolled his eyes, a hint of exasperation playing over his face.
“The Orange family has a habit of not remembering that it is no longer 1980 and we are no longer kids who don’t know any better,” he groaned slightly. “I love them, I really do, and we will always be close…but sometimes they do my head in.”
“What was it this time? You breaking up arguments or you at the centre of them?” Howard said, kissing Jason’s temple, and Jason looked up at him with a weary smile, gratitude and affection shining quietly in his eyes.
“Bit of both, which is always fun. They just don’t understand me sometimes, I suppose – my own fault probably.” He shrugged. “I don’t tell them everything. Not like I tell you, anyway,” he added with a soft smile that Howard returned.
“Good to know,” he replied quietly, bumping his hip against Jason’s and coaxing a laugh out of him that lit up his whole face, the light dancing in his eyes.
“Stop gloating about how well you know me, Howard Donald.”
“I didn’t say anything,” Howard protested, an unashamed smile on his face and a laugh in his voice that made Jason’s eyes twinkle even as he narrowed them at him playfully.
“No, because you didn’t have to – I can just see it in your face.” Howard chuckled.
“Well then maybe you know me too, did that ever occur to you, Mister Know-It-All?” he shot back, eyebrows raised, and Jason could only laugh, shaking his head slightly and teasingly smacking Howard away from him.
“Shut up and feed me,” he sighed, his tone jokingly despairing, and he turned to Mark and Gary, who were watching the scene before them in bewildered amusement. “He’s a terrible person and you’re not to encourage him,” he told them matter-of-factly, though his smile was mischievous, and with that he moved around the breakfast bar, heading off towards the bedroom to put away his hoody and scarf.
“Do you ever feel like they forget we’re even here?” Gary stage-whispered to Mark as Jason disappeared, and Howard smothered a grin.
“And do you ever feel like you have no room to talk?” he queried brightly. “I watched you serenade Mark for half an hour today,” he pointed out.
“We were rehearsing!” Gary protested weakly and Howard shot him a knowing look.
“You were flirting. A rehearsal would’ve involved Jay being there, all of us knowing the song, Mark not eating strawberry bootlaces and the song being finished, with a harmony.” He looked at Gary pointedly. “Unless you’re going solo?” he teased.
“I don’t think that’s true, you know,” Mark offered and Howard looked at him enquiringly.
“How so?”
“I’m pretty sure I’d still be eating strawberry bootlaces, even if it was a rehearsal,” Mark grinned back and Howard rolled his eyes fondly.
“I second that,” Jason called as he returned to the room. “Or at the very least an extra-large bag of Haribo,” he added with a smile, coming around the breakfast bar and moving to reach for a plate, only for Howard to catch him around the waist before he could even think to duck away.
“Er, no dinner for you ‘til I get my kiss,” Howard told him, blue eyes sparkling with mischief, and Jason arched an eyebrow at him.
“I’m going to need you to make a pretty strong case for a kiss right now, Howard Donald – pretty sure I kissed you before I left this afternoon. Several times, in fact. Enough to nearly make me late,” Jason said dryly, trying to smother his smile, and Howard simply smirked, leaning their foreheads together with impish glee.
“You don’t want to challenge me, Jay – you know I never know when I’m beaten.”
“Oh I’m pretty sure I live to challenge you, actually,” Jason countered, leaning back in Howard’s embrace, his spine arched teasingly and his expression all delight and mischief.
“You’re a nightmare,” Howard told him in a low, rough voice that was edged with pleasure and admiration.
“Oh, I’m glorious,” Jason shot back with a grin and Howard simply laughed, pulling Jason suddenly flush against him and dipping his head to capture his lips in a deep kiss. Jason’s eyes fluttered closed immediately and he allowed himself to be pulled in, enjoying the gentle pressure of Howard’s arms around him and the sound of his heartbeat close against his own.
When they finally drew apart they were both breathless and smiling – Jason looked up at Howard, meeting his gaze immediately, the corner of his lips twitching up, and Howard once more leant his forehead against Jason’s, reaching a hand up to cup his cheek. They both lived for these games of push and pull.
“You’re glorious,” Howard whispered and Jason laughed.
“I’m a nightmare,” he countered, widening his eyes for effect before pressing a brief kiss to Howard’s lips and then stepping easily out of his embrace.
As Jason and Howard moved apart like nothing had happened, Gary leant across and bumped his shoulder against Mark’s.
“It’s official, Marko, I have no idea what just happened.”
“Mind your own business, Barlow,” Howard told him cheerfully, not looking at him and instead sharing an amused look with Jason. Gary simply chuckled.
“Oh believe me, I try. But apparently I’m friends with a bunch of exhibitionists.”
“Says the showman himself,” Jason put in with a sly, knowing smile, arching an eyebrow at Gary, who feigned outrage.
“Never mind, Gaz,” Mark put in with a grin. “We’ll give ‘em something to talk about when you start work on that second verse tomorrow,” he added, beaming mischievously, and Jason and Howard both let out low groans, amusement in their eyes even as they pulled matching faces of distaste.
***
“Please, Emily – you can’t go through with this.”
“I have to! Why can’t you just see that?”
“Because it’s insane, that’s why, ok? It’s wrong, in every way possible, and it won’t fix anything – it’ll only hurt everyone more. You can’t seriously expect me to help you with this? To let you do this to people I love, I care about?”
“I have to help them see!”
“By putting them through this?!”
“I thought you’d understand! I thought you’d be grateful, I thought you’d want to help do this in a way that gives that man some sort of answer, so he can move on just as much as we can.”
“He won’t believe it for one moment.”
“He will.”
“Then you don’t know him like I do – and believe me, I know him. And I know he knows me better than this.”
“Well you don’t get a say: I’m going to do this. I’m going to help you even though you refuse to be helped and I’m going to fix everything. And if you don’t help me, then I’ll just type the thing myself – I can come up with something, I don’t need your words or your writing.”
“You need it to be my handwriting.”
“That’s not important.”
“Emily, please.”
“No. No. I’m doing this. I’m setting you free and you can’t change my mind – I’m setting all of us free. You and me…and even him. He’ll see too, eventually. And we can all be ok again. Don’t you see?”
“There’s only one way to make this right, Emily.”
“No.”
“Emily-”
“I said no! I thought you would be grateful, you know? I come here and give you a chance to do things your way; to talk to him one last time and let him down personally, to let you play along with his lies just for a little while to make yourself feel better about being happy despite him. But if you won’t help? Then I lose nothing; I’ll do it myself.”
“Wait! Just…just wait, ok. Give me the pen and paper. I’ll write it. I’ll help you, but only on one condition.”
“What?”
“I can write what I want to write: no dictating, no input, no changing it. My words and my words only. Do we have a deal?”
“Fine. But I need it written soon. And don’t even think about playing any tricks on me – you write it so he’ll believe it. This is our chance – don’t you dare try and take it away.”
“I’ll write it so he’ll know what he has to know, Emily. I told you: no one knows me like him. He’ll hear what he needs to hear.”
“What I want him to hear?”
“He’ll hear what he needs to hear to not go completely insane…I hope. But you have to know this, Emily: somewhere, deep down, you will regret putting him through this. One day. One day you’ll regret putting him through this because you – you of all people – should know just how destructive that pain can be, even just a second of it. Remember that. Think about it. And please, before this all goes too far…try and do the right thing.”
“Just write. In the morning you’ll see. Soon you’ll get past this and you’ll see what I can see.”
***
Oldham Street was bathed in a rare spell of sunshine – slowly but surely, the days were starting to show signs of getting longer and a peculiar sort of optimism seemed to have settled in the air. It was almost closing time and – with Mark’s shift at the cafe having ended a half-hour ago and Barlow’s Music Shop’s last customer having been despatched with a cardboard box-load of old records – Gary was taking the opportunity to run melodies by Mark as they waited for Howard to meet them for drinks. It was a pleasing patch of normality amidst the weirdness of the past weeks and Gary found it soothing to feel so light and giddy for a change, relishing the rare opportunity to simply enjoy the day. It was difficult sometimes, being the leader; as the figure-head of their group, he felt a certain amount of responsibility to somehow make everything ok, as though it somehow fell to him to find Jason because he was always the man with the plan. He knew it was irrational, knew that there was nothing he could do and that neither Mark nor Howard expected him to do any more than what he had, but it still nagged at him all the same. He was the responsible one, the one they looked to in a crisis. As much as he had always known and appreciated Jason’s friendship, it was only now he was gone that he fully realised just how important he was within their group; Jason kept people in check, always coming at things from a different angle, knowing when to pipe up with the difficult advice or take someone aside and tackle an awkward question. It was a lot easier to captain the ship when Jason was there to keep an eye on the detail, Gary supposed, and he didn’t think he would ever stop missing that voice, always so calm and gentle as he made his point and offered up his own quiet observations just when Gary needed them most. But today had been one of those days when he hadn’t felt quite so useless, one of those days where he actually felt he was doing a good job of keeping the three of them together and more or less on an even keel – persuading Howard to actually leave his apartment for a night had felt like something of an achievement, and having Mark Owen sitting atop his piano and smiling was a satisfying reward.
As if hearing his thoughts, Mark suddenly caught Gary’s eye, one eyebrow arched, and Gary smiled back at him winningly, tilting his head to one side. Impish and quick, Mark tilted his own head swiftly the other way and back again, swerving every time Gary came close to capturing his lips in a kiss. The mischievous glitter in Mark’s eyes was captivating and for a moment Gary’s fingers stilled on the piano keys, making Mark’s grin even wider.
“That’s not a very good ending, Barlow. Far too abrupt, you know?” Mark told him, stifling a giggle and beaming playfully as he pretended to scowl at him. As Mark shrugged – carefree – Gary had to struggle not to break and laugh at him.
“Oh, that face of yours looks innocent – but if only people knew the little devil that lies beneath that smile,” he said dryly. Mark stuck his tongue out and Gary shook his head in fond despair, throwing his hands up in mock-surrender. “Ok, I’m powerless; name your price for a kiss,” he sighed, making Mark chuckle. With a bright grin, he stretched out, sliding along the baby grand just enough to press a lingering kiss against Gary’s lips. When he pulled back he gave a small half-shrug and a playful smile.
“No price. I just wanted to know you were willing to pay,” he beamed before quickly sitting himself up and producing a lollipop from his pocket. His chestnut-coloured hair was fluffy and dishevelled after a full day at the cafe and it fell in his eyes – he blew at it but it barely moved and so he flicked his head dramatically instead.
“Stop preening – a couple of loud chords on this beauty and you’d fall right off her, don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Gary pointed out with amusement and Mark pulled a face.
“You should’ve seen the rush at lunch today – it did a number on me hair, you know. It’s not preening if I’m just trying to right a wrong,” he said and Gary rolled his eyes.
“Well you still look beautiful to me,” he remarked softly and Mark paused, looking down at him with a soft smile that shone in his eyes.
“You can be very sweet sometimes, Barlow,” he said, popping the lollipop in his mouth and flashing Gary a quick wink.
Before Gary could come up with a reply, the sound of the shop’s bell cut through the air and he and Mark both turned in unison to see Howard making his way across the shop floor. His eyes were down, a heavy frown marring his features, and he looked pale and fragile in a way Gary had never seen before, not even in the darkest times since Jason first disappeared. Gary flicked a brief glance up at Mark, who looked just as concerned as he did, and the two of them turned nervously back just as Howard reached the step to the back room.
“Hey, Howard…you’re early. What’s wrong?” Gary ventured carefully, watching as Howard kept his eyes determinedly on the floor. His hands were buried in his pockets and his eyes looked a tired, grey shadow of their usual piercing blue; that expression of his was so strained Gary almost wanted to beg him not to say whatever it was he was struggling to put into words. Howard swallowed hard and slowly lifted his gaze, and in that moment both Mark and Gary knew that whatever he was about to say was something neither one of them wanted to hear – and they were even more certain that whatever it was had something to do with Jason.
“Kathryn and Ben came around this afternoon. Asked for Jay’s family to be there too.” Howard’s voice was soft and hollow and Gary felt himself tensing, his chest suddenly tightening, and he could feel Mark also stilling beside him, an uneasy quiet filling the room as Howard gathered himself for a moment “The police finally found Jay’s car…” Howard trailed off, swallowing again and closing his eyes for a moment. It took everything he had to steady his breathing and fight off the tears that threatened – he stubbornly refused to cry. “There was a group out litter-picking along the river. They spotted his car abandoned over there this morning.” Howard tipped his head back and drew in another shaky breath.
“They didn’t find-” Gary ventured in a pained voice, but Howard flinched like he’d been stung.
“No. No – one of the people recognized the car from the news and called the police. They looked but the car was empty. But they found…”
“Found what?” Mark pressed in a small, nervous voice. Howard’s eyes turned back down to the floor once again and Gary began to bite at the inside of his cheek.
“They found empty pill packets – over the counter stuff but a lot of it. And then they found a…a note. Addressed to me. They need me to go down to the station with a sample of his handwriting but…they seemed pretty sure.”
“No,” Mark whispered. “No. Howard, they can’t think he’d…Jay would never…” Howard closed his eyes and Gary looked away. “They really think he did that?”
“Yes,” Howard managed in a strained whisper. There was a pause in which nobody could bear to look at each other. And then suddenly Howard’s eyes snapped up, his expression all steely determination. “It’s not about what they think, though. It’s about what I know,” he said firmly. “And I know Jay. He wouldn’t do this – he wouldn’t put any of us through this.” He looked between Gary and Mark then, his eyes pleading though his mouth remained set in a determined line. “You agree with me, right?” There was a catch in his voice that made Gary wince, and he glanced up at Mark, whose eyes were glassy and wide – there was a tear sliding down his cheek, and Gary knew it was up to him to offer Howard some sort of response. But what could he say? He knew what it sounded like, but there was a part of him that was every bit as repulsed by the idea as Howard was – was that just denial, or was there really something they were missing that could mean the police’s conclusions were wrong? “Gaz, when does he ever run? When does he ever give up?” Howard’s voice was scratchy and broken, but there was a defiance there that jolted Gary slightly and he looked up into Howard’s face. “Think about it, Gaz – what does he even have to run from?”
“But if the police really think-”
“They talked to his family about his sleeping problems – between them all they’ve come up with some bullshit idea that Jay was struggling, that me and him were struggling too. They’d rather believe he jumped in the fucking river than deal with the not knowing and the police are taking that as proof enough because it at least gets the case off their desks.” Howard shrugged helplessly. “And there’s nothing I can do.” Gary looked away again, rubbing his hands over his face and letting out a long sigh.
“So the investigation’s closed? That’s it? It’s all just…over? And we’re expected to just accept all this, like there’s no other explanation?” Mark asked, his voice croaky and unstable.
“Technically they can’t close the investigation ‘til they find him,” Howard murmured. “They’re sending out divers into the river soon, apparently. But they told us not to get our hopes up…the storms recently, the currents…and they don’t know how long the car’s been there.” Howard’s face twisted in disgust. “But it doesn’t matter anyway. I know Jay. I know he wouldn’t do this – not to his family, not to you pair. And definitely not to me or Grace.” Howard blew out a shuddery breath, running a hand through his hair and turning his eyes towards the sky. “Whatever that note says, whether it’s his handwriting or not…you have to believe me. Because I need someone else to have faith in him…he needs someone other than me to have faith in him. Whatever’s happened…he needs more than just me to be on his side right now.” Howard looked from Gary to Mark imploringly. Mark’s eyes were downturned, his focus on his hands, and Gary’s gaze was on the floor, but they could feel Howard’s desperate stare and both of them stilled beneath it, taking a moment in the silence of the shop to try and order their thoughts, to try and make sense of all the information at their disposal. Mark was the first to look up.
“I know he wouldn’t do this,” he whispered at last. “Jay always keeps his promises…and he promised you forever. We were all there – and we’ve been there almost every day since. This isn’t right and I know it.” Mark glanced at Gary then. “You know as well as I do what Howard means to Jay. This isn’t right, Gaz. You have to know that.” Gary looked up slowly, meeting Mark’s eyes for a moment before nodding slightly and reluctantly glancing back at Howard.
“I want to believe it I just…I can see why Jay’s family would disagree…I can see an argument for just…having answers, even if they’re answers that don’t make that much sense. Even if they’re answers we don’t like.” Howard looked back at Gary sadly, his eyes scanning his face for a moment before he huffed out a breath and glanced away.
“I understand, Gaz. I do – more than you know. But I’ve held that man’s hand in the dark and heard him swear that we were in this together…and I’m not about to give up on him just because it’s easier. Me and him…we fight ‘til there’s nothing left. And I still believe in that.”
Silence settled around them all again, and Gary could feel both Mark and Howard’s eyes boring into him. He swallowed and took a second to clear his head. He remembered Jason and Howard fighting in this very room, remembered them dancing at their wedding, remembered the day they met and their first kiss out in the rain – he remembered the first time he met Jason himself, this blaze of energy and grace, stubborn but charming as he introduced himself and listened to what Gary had to say about music, a quiet challenge in almost everything he had said in response but a genuine intrigue there all the same. And slowly Gary nodded and met Howard’s stare.
“Ok,” he whispered at last. “I believe you…I believe him.” It was a relief to say the words, and suddenly believing felt that tiny bit easier to do. But he couldn’t shake his fear of what that belief might come to mean – the strain of people around them feeling the questions were answered whilst the three of them desperately tried to cling on to hope didn’t bear thinking about. He closed his eyes for a moment and let out a heavy sigh. “But…it doesn’t change anything, Howard. Knowing what we know, the police knowing what they do – as far as the world is concerned we have our answers.”
“No,” Howard said firmly. “I’ll only have answers once I’ve seen that note. They can hate me and blame me all they like, but I won’t change my mind. Whatever happened – even if Jay did write that note? There’s a different answer in there somewhere. He’ll know he needs to leave all the clues there – he wouldn’t hide the truth from me, not ever. And he definitely wouldn’t let all those promises just…sink to the bottom of the river. There’s more to this, and I’m not about to give up.”
***
“Evenin’ darlin’. You know, you’re lucky I’m not the suspicious type, because this is the fifth time I’ve tried calling you today and you’re still not picking up. I tried your work mobile but that’s dead too, and of the five numbers I have for you this is the only one with voicemail – when I get home we’re going through the numbers and deleting all the ones of your old phones, ok? Anyway, I’m calling to let you know I won’t be home ‘til tomorrow. Long story involving my dad’s car, snow, Simon and Oliver and too much alcohol; I know that sounds like most Orange family stories but trust me, you won’t believe how messy this one got. Anyway, you should know I’m sorry – it’s that long since we had a night in the same place and I’m rambling on your voicemail instead of coming home. But I’m still safe, and I’m still missing you…and I’m still in love with you too, by the way…but then, you know that. I’m going to go get some sleep so I can get an early start to come home to you tomorrow. Maybe if I sleep deep enough I’ll dream of you – sound like a deal, Donald? Anyway, goodnight, love – and I’ll see you soon. Sweet dreams, ok? I’ll be back before you know it.”
Howard smiled to himself and sank down onto the sofa, closing his eyes. A sleepy sort of contentedness settled over him and he idly cast his phone aside. The apartment was so quiet and empty, but Jason’s voice had been so rough and warm, and in the morning he’d be home. He let out a long sigh and felt his body sag against the cushions, letting sleep take him over.
***
It was late when Howard made it back to the apartment – he’d put it off as long as he could but there was nowhere left to go. Somehow the emptiness seemed to cling to the air and he stood for a moment in the darkness, letting it settle over his skin. It was the first time since Jason had disappeared that he had actively avoided their home, desperate to be anywhere but inside the space they had shared together, feeling no desire to sit alone and listen to the rain. Mark and Gary had offered to come back with him, but somehow that idea had seemed even worse; he was certain he couldn’t deal with being alone right now, but he was even more certain that he couldn’t deal with being around people, not even people who understood. There was only one person in the whole world who he felt he could talk to, knew he could cry with – but that person was lost and instead there were just raindrops to whisper his fears to, to confess all his sins and secrets to in the dark. And he had plenty to confess these days. Sometimes – in his weaker moments – he had stood in this empty apartment and wished he’d never even laid eyes on Jason; did that make him a terrible person? It was such a strange, desperate thing to feel but there had been moments where he had seized upon it. Because this, this loss and uncertainty – it felt like his bones had crumbled away beneath his skin and it was exhausting just to stand. But there was no one he dared say that to – Jason was the only one who would understand, because it had never been a secret between the two of them. Jason hadn’t given his life meaning; he didn’t need him to survive, didn’t look to him to make his life valuable or significant. That was the point. The point was that meeting Jason – it was like that moment when your favourite song came on the radio and you got to turn the volume up; it was life lived in vivid, tenacious technicolour and it was exhilarating. He supposed a few broken bones were to be expected when crashing down from that kind of height; the song had been stopped before the chorus and he was left staggering around, disorientated, a strange, starchy taste left in his mouth. It was frustrating and devastating all at once. He didn’t understand those people who thought of love as some selfless act; all he and Jason ever did was take from each other, take everything and demand more – everything taken was given and everything given was taken and neither one of them would allow it unless the understanding was there that they were equals. Howard only had control over Jason when Jason wanted to relinquish control, Jason only had influence over Howard when Howard wanted to be influenced; there was no such thing as a selfless act in it, because even the greatest sacrifice was made with the express understanding that something – time, hope, sympathy, love – would eventually be given in return. It was no different now: he believed in Jason because he needed to be given hope, he stayed strong because he was waiting for the moment Jason sat with him in the dark and let him cry. He missed him because he expected that somewhere out there Jason was missing him too.
“Try explaining that to people, Jay. They all just think I’m crazy,” Howard muttered, rubbing a hand over his face.
The shrill ring of his phone made Howard jump, and he pulled it out, staring blankly down at the caller ID lighting up the screen. Justin. Now there was a conversation he didn’t want to have – in the list of conversations he was avoiding, that one was probably top. He and Jason’s immediate family had left things on somewhat difficult terms that afternoon; everyone had been in a state of shock but with tensions already high between Justin and Howard, Howard’s silence and subsequent defiance had somehow been deemed insulting by one or two, the already growing rift being widened by the beginnings of a grief Howard couldn’t bring himself to share in. Sighing, Howard hit ‘ignore’ and chucked his phone down on the breakfast bar tiredly. He’d already had one phone argument tonight, he really wasn’t up for another one – his conversation with Vicky about how much or how little to allow Grace to know had gotten away from him when Vicky had accused him of being in denial and he had accused her of being too quick to let Grace be told something that couldn’t even be conclusively proven, and in the end no real decision had been reached other than an agreement that they would both sit down and talk with Grace before the end of the week.
For a moment he stood, letting the silence sink into his tired body. And then a thought occurred to him; he scooped his phone back up and crossed over to the sofa, collapsing onto it gratefully as he navigated his way through his phone menus and finally pulled up his voicemail, pressing the phone to his ear and closing his eyes. You have one saved message.
“Evenin’ darlin’.” Jason’s lazily playful voice was like a balm over his aching bones. Howard could see flashes of gold dance behind his eyelids at that sound, the familiar notes of unspoken promises and unguarded affection making patterns of light where before there had been blank space and silence. At first Howard didn’t really listen to the words, simply letting Jason’s voice wash over him. But then it came to the part of the message he knew by heart – he listened to it sometimes when he was away for a long time and was missing home “But I’m still safe, and I’m still missing you…and I’m still in love with you too, by the way…but then, you know that. I’m going to go get some sleep so I can get an early start to come home to you. Maybe if I sleep deep enough I’ll dream of you – sound like a deal, Donald? Anyway, goodnight, love – and I’ll see you soon. Sweet dreams, ok? I’ll be back before you know it.” Howard smiled sadly, slowly taking the phone away from his ear and opening his eyes, staring despondently at the ceiling.
“I’m holding you to that promise, Jay…because I do know you love me…but it’s still about time you came home.”
***
Gary found Mark perched on the window ledge in their bedroom, nursing a hot chocolate, his knees pulled up to his chest as he stared out at the rain. It was hard to see in the half-light, but his eyes were red-rimmed from crying, though the tears had long since dried up, a hollow confusion starting to settle over him as he watched the world outside carry on like it was just another day. In the street below, a woman tottered on high-heeled boots, hunched under an umbrella that she had to hold down against the wind – her boots scratched on the tarmac as she splashed through the puddles, the ripples lit amber by the streetlamps. Mark watched her all the way to the end of the street, an unreadable expression on his face as she was swallowed by the darkness at the end of the road.
“How are you holding up?” Gary asked softly, coming to stand at the window and running his fingers tentatively down Mark’s arm. He shivered at the touch, looking down into his hot chocolate with a sad smile.
“About as well as you’d expect someone to hold up after they’d just been told by the evening news that their best friend was presumed dead,” he said quietly. Gary sighed.
“You told Howard you didn’t think it was true.”
“I don’t,” Mark replied simply. “But that doesn’t make it any less hard to take. It doesn’t make me think about the possibility less. You heard Howard before he went home tonight; even he owned up to having moments today where he thought about it.” Gary nodded, looking away ashamedly.
“I’m still not even sure what I do and don’t believe, to be honest. I know what I said before but…”
“I know,” Mark admitted in a whisper. Gary pressed a grateful kiss to his temple and for a moment they both became still, lost in their thoughts and feelings, trying to untangle it all in their heads but not succeeding.
“I just keep wondering if I’m ever going to hear him moan at me again for trying to pick his clothes for him before a gig. Or fall asleep on his sofa with him and wake up to find he’s pulled the throw over me and gone to bed. I keep going over all our old arguments in my head – the daft ones, you know? Just to try and keep his voice – his laugh – in my mind.” Mark closed his eyes and squeezed them tightly shut, trying to prevent any more tears. “Not knowing where he is or how he’s going on…not being able to ask him how his day is…I keep wondering if I’ll ever be able to do that again. Because when I think about the rest of it – his phone all broken on the floor and all the stuff in his car…I just don’t even know where to begin processing that, coping with it.” Gary rubbed Mark’s back soothingly and Mark leant against him, sniffing dejectedly. For a moment Gary watched the rain in silence, his mind wandering idly as he thought back over his friendship with Jason.
“When I first met Jay, he was still dancing professionally,” he remarked softly. Mark smiled slightly against him and Gary shrugged. “He was a bit of a celebrity, actually – in the dance world anyway. I didn’t realise first but some of the other guys at the audition told me. I was intrigued by him, to be honest; he wasn’t like anyone I’d ever met before. You know, he was handsome, funny, bit of a showman when he got going – to tell you the truth, Marko, I tried to act flash around him. I was just so desperate to try and show him I could match up to him, in my own way – Jay saw through it, of course. Didn’t hold it against me I don’t think. But when I started to talk to him – properly, I mean – the thing I always noticed was…he would always listen. He was the first person I’d ever met who’d really ever listened to me that way. It was funny, actually, because sometimes I’d stop talking and he’d go quiet for ages, we might not even speak in days. But then he’d phone me up out of the blue and say ‘You know, Gaz, maybe you’re just looking at things the wrong way…’ – he’d pick up right where we left off, having taken time out of his day to think over my problems for me and attack them in a whole new way.” Gary chuckled softly, shaking his head sadly as the smile faded from his lips. “I feel like I’m waiting for that call, you know?” Mark smiled faintly at that and he nodded. Gary swallowed, closing his eyes tightly. “I feel like I’m living my life, pretending to be pushing forward, but really…I’m holding my breath, waiting for the phone to go and him to say ‘You know, Gaz, you were just looking at things the wrong way – because here I am, and everything’s ok.’”
***
The following fortnight felt even less real to Howard than everything that had gone before – something he hadn’t thought could be possible until it happened. He still felt like he was trying to move underwater – his body in slow motion whilst the world beyond buzzed past at high speed, the pace of it hideous and unreachable. When the police divers found nothing, Jason’s family cried whilst Howard simply retreated in on himself. His stubborn belief had been bolstered, but he’d bitten it back, determined to avoid any more arguments with Tony and Justin over what exactly any of it meant. Even Simon and Jenny – his last real allies amongst Jason’s family – had retreated from him now, seeming to see his stubborn defiance as some form of self-preservation, an admission of guilt in having known more about Jason’s problems than he had let on. There were a worrying number of people now who saw him as a factor in events, saw his belief in Jason as a mere coping mechanism for a man who had driven his husband away. Mark and Gary knew how wrong that was, but there was very little they could do or say to change it. They stood by him as best they could, but Howard knew their doubts and fears even if they didn’t put voice to them in front of him – after all, they were only the same doubts and fears he felt sometimes, when he let himself stand too still or when the sound of the rain began to drive him over the edge. But it never lasted more than a heartbeat, always filling him with guilt and regret. No. Jason never broke his promises; and Howard had the closest thing to proof he could.
He glanced down at the note in his hands, looking over the words yet again. The police had – after confirming the handwriting was Jason’s and that no fingerprints but his were on it – passed the paper over to Howard to finally read. Addressed to him and him alone, it had been another cause for friction between himself and Jason’s family. To Justin it had been proof that fighting with Howard had pushed him over the edge, his brother somehow consumed with appeasing the one man whose actions had badly hurt him, making him his only concern as he wrote a goodbye. But to Howard the words were a direct plea; a line of communication used to make one more promise to add to the hundreds that had already passed between them: Howard – I need you to know that every promise I ever made to you I meant then and still do. I love you, but then, you know that. Just remember, even when you know nothing else for sure, you know who I am. If I close my eyes, then maybe I can dream a little deeper, and come and find you there. You are always on my mind, for life, and I will wait for you in my sleep. I’m still here in the dark when you need me, as long as you’re there in return. Everything for everything, remember? Love always, Jay x
Jason was making him another offer; believe in me and not in what you see and I will keep fighting to come back to you. It should’ve been frightening, the conviction with which he felt he knew that when everyone else saw the words as something else. But instead it gave him an odd sort of peace; Jason had written the note for him because he had known – had trusted – no one but Howard to understand him enough to read the words behind his words. They had always been so good at interpreting each other’s whispers, practicing them in the half-light of their bedroom, just raindrops and murmurs between them.
Howard looked over the note once more, not taking in the words this time but simply trying to imagine Jason writing them, imagining his fingers smoothing down the page as he went. It was a connection, of sorts. A reminder that – even if they didn’t see each other, even if neither one knew where the other was – they were both still out there, under the same stars every night, perhaps even both listening to the rain.
Jason was every bit the fighter that Howard was, and neither one of them seemed to know when it was best to stay down – but that sadness still pervaded everything, and for all his stubbornness Howard knew he needed to gather his strength before getting back up and restarting the fight. He traced his fingers over the words, looking back over them more carefully, repeating them in his head. And that was when he felt it; the barest whisper of a rhythm. Quickly he gathered up his keys and slid the note into his bag; if he was quick he could make it to the shop before closing time and catch Mark and Gary before they headed home for the day.
***
Howard was careful as he pushed open the shop door. From the shop’s back room, the sound of piano chords seeped out into the musty air and Howard stilled a moment, something deep within him melting into the haunting sound. The rhythm was slow and even, the notes staggered and steady in their climb and Gary – eyes closed – seemed to lean into the music as though he felt some sort of affinity with the watercolour sounds coming out of the baby grand. Melancholy and nostalgic, Howard smiled a sad, tight smile and moved towards the sound, leaning against the doorframe as he watched Gary come to the tune’s slow conclusion, his fingers gentle and tender on the keys. The air in the shop was still and heavy, those final chords reverberating around the piano room. For a moment Gary sat very still, looking down at the keys with a lost expression Howard suspected was mirrored on his own face.
“I know that feeling,” he murmured at last, his voice making Gary jump slightly.
“Didn’t think I’d be seeing you today,” he said, looking up at Howard with a sad smile that Howard returned.
“I needed to get out of the apartment,” he shrugged before nodding his head towards the piano. “What were you playing? Something new?”
“It came to me a few weeks back…Mark’s been helping with it here and there. I’d actually been stuck on it for a while, if I’m honest. Then today it just came flooding back…something about the sound of the rain I think,” Gary said softly. “Sometimes I think music is the only way I can actually be honest about how I’m feeling. It knows what’s going on in my head better than I do half the time – well, these days it does anyway.”
“Well, however it happened…I think it’s beautiful, Gaz. Honestly.” Howard glanced down at his hands, taking a deep breath. “Actually, I came here coz I wanted to show you something.” He risked a sidelong glance at Gary, who raised his eyebrows in surprise.
“Ok…” he said cautiously and Howard huffed out a breath, stepping down into the room fully and meeting Gary’s eyes.
“But first, I need to ask you something – and I need you to answer me honestly.” He looked intently at Gary, who nodded slightly. That was when Howard finally looked away again, taking a moment to steel himself. “Do you think this is something Jay would be capable of? Do you think there is anything – any reason, even if you think it’s me – why he would put all of us through this? Why he would just walk away?” For a moment Howard held his breath, still staring down at the ground – the silence was unbearable. But then he slowly risked a glance back up at Gary. He saw him frowning down at his hands, saw the way he forced out a long, steady breath and then slowly started to shake his head.
“No.” Gary finally met Howard’s gaze again, swallowing hard and sitting up a little. “No. I really don’t,” he said more forcefully. Howard gave him a small nod of gratitude and Gary nodded back.
“Thank you.”
“It’s just the truth. Now what was it you wanted to show me?” Gary asked, curious. Howard simply reached into his bag, carefully pulling out a piece of paper and stepping closer to Gary, holding it out for him to take. Confused, Gary reached for the paper, taking it in both hands and looking down at it with a frown; a handwritten note on a background of plain white. But then he realised whose handwriting it was and suddenly he stiffened, looking up at Howard in shock. His blue eyes were wide and almost fearful, but Howard met his gaze undaunted, his mouth still a firm, determined line that barely curved down at the corners.
“Is this-”
“Read it, Gaz.”
“Howard, I can’t-”
“Please; I need someone else to see what I see – just read it and tell me what you think. I need to know I’m not going insane.” For a moment Gary looked up at Howard uncertainly – he felt wrong reading a note Jason had intended for Howard, and for all his belief in Jason it still unsettled him to think about the context of the words he was reading. But the look on Howard’s face told him it was important, so slowly he turned his eyes down, scanning across the note once and then focusing more intently on the words.
Howard watched Gary read and reread the words – could see the way his expression changed from wary to sad to suddenly alert. It was reassuring to see Gary start to pick up on the words unspoken the same way he had himself and he smiled sadly. “You see it?” he asked softly and Gary nodded, still reading. “And do you hear what I hear as well?”
“Lyrics,” Gary murmured. “Lyrics for my chords,” he added. He looked up at Howard then, blue eyes bright and alive the way they always were when he sensed a song. “Mark’s shift is over in ten minutes – I’ll go see if he can knock off early and you go stick the kettle on. We’ll show him this over a brew and go from there.” Howard smiled slightly and nodded.
“You think Mark will see it too?”
“I know he will. Now come on, let’s go.”
And so, as every puddle in Manchester overflowed, Barlow’s Music Shop once more began to hum with music for the first time in months, a splash of gold in the centre of the storm. Mark and Howard laughed as they poured over a laptop, typing out phrases and rearranging them as Gary played with threads of harmonies and scolded them playfully when their rhymes grew silly or flippant. And the whole while, there on the baby grand, sat Jason’s note as they slowly began to thread his words throughout their song.
***
For a moment, no one in the room moved, all of them staring at the speakers in rapt silence. Mark was the first to turn away, looking down into his tea with a small, sad frown, his hair falling down into his eyes.
“It’s the first song we’ve finished since all this started,” Gary remarked quietly, his eyes on the CD case in his hands. He picked at a scratch near the corner and let out a heavy sigh. “It felt good, I won’t lie,” he added. Justin smiled tightly – sadly – and put a gentle hand on his shoulder, giving a small nod of encouragement when Gary looked up at him.
“It’s beautiful, Gaz. Jay would’ve loved it – he always said no one could make a piano haunt the way you could. I never knew what he meant until now, I suppose.”
“Past tense?” The small, hard sound of Mark’s voice surprised both Justin and Gary and they turned to look over at him. He was sitting on the sofa with his knees pulled up to his chest, still staring down into his tea with his pale lips curved downwards at the corners. “That didn’t take long,” he added more softly, glancing up at Justin with a look of disappointment in his cloudy blue-grey eyes. Justin looked back over at Gary – who couldn’t meet his gaze – before turning back to Mark with a heavy sigh.
“You sound like Howard,” he said tiredly, shoving his hands in his pockets. Gary still didn’t look at him, but Mark was unapologetic, simply shrugging at the accusation.
“So?” he asked. “Howard knows Jay like no one else. And Jay loves Howard like no one else because of it. He says Jay wouldn’t break a promise and I believe him.”
“Justin, you have to understand…we see the two of them almost every day of every week. We just see a different side to the two of them than you do – we know how strong they are together and we know Jay just isn’t in the sort of state where the bottom of the river seems like a preferable option,” Gary put in, looking at Justin earnestly, a plea in his voice. But Justin simply frowned; the exhaustion was evident in his eyes, which glinted in a shade of blue that was only slightly paler than Jason’s.
“They fight,” he stated in a hard voice, and Mark rolled his eyes, a lopsided smile suddenly gracing his lips.
“They joke,” he countered.
“They talk,” Gary said firmly.
“All I know is that Howard has been distant from all of us this whole time.”
“Justin, his husband is missing,” Gary reminded gently.
“My twin was missing!” Justin shot back sharply. “And when the police said they found a note, I thought maybe there might be some sort of answer, some sort of closure for all of us. But instead the only one to get that last goodbye? Is Howard. And instead of being remotely grateful for that, he throws it back in our faces, claiming it’s not what it looks like and refusing to accept that his relationship wasn’t the way he wants us to think it was.” Justin closed his eyes a moment, taking a deep breath. “When did other people suddenly decide they know my own twin better than me? When did it become ok to completely ignore what Jay would have wanted just because he managed to hide it so well when he wasn’t ok?” he demanded in a low, even tone. He tipped his head back and stared up at the ceiling. “I just want to grieve for him and to not have to ask Howard Donald – or anyone else – for permission.” He looked over at Mark, who smiled sympathetically, lifting one shoulder in a half-shrug.
“I wasn’t saying you needed permission, you know,” he said kindly. “I’m only wondering why you can’t just see all of it as being Howard’s own way of grieving?” he added, eyes shining intently. “Denial, you know? That’s grief too. Maybe that’s Howard’s way of coping.” Justin deflated slightly, looking away from Mark with a sigh.
“Now you sound like mum,” he muttered softly.
“A wise woman, that Jenny. A woman after my own heart,” Gary remarked and Justin managed a smile at that, shooting Gary a wry look.
“And she always speaks fondly of you too, Barlow,” he said.
“Look, all I’m saying is…all of us know Jay, all of us love Jay in our own ways. No one’s trying to tell you not to miss your twin, ok? We’re just saying…maybe there’s another way of going about this. One that doesn’t make Howard feel like you don’t think Jay’s and his relationship is solid and good.” Mark’s voice was soft and sympathetic and Justin couldn’t deny that his argument seemed reasonable. But there was still some angry, desperate part of him that wanted to find someone to blame and saw Howard as the easiest target – he wasn’t sure what that said about him as a person but he also wasn’t sure he cared anymore. “Look, you talk about what Jay would’ve wanted; well, Jay would want Howard to be ok,” Mark told him gently, his voice rough and warm as he looked over at Justin, his expression hopeful.
“Jay wouldn’t have married him if he thought anything that man argues with him about might one day make him unhappy,” Gary added. “I’m not saying either one of them is perfect, but they know how to work things out.”
“Then why is it we’re standing here right now, Gaz? How did things get to this point?” Justin asked, his voice cracked, and Gary put a hand on his arm.
“I don’t know. Because the world is a terrible place?” Gary shrugged. “Look, I read that note, Justin. Howard showed it to the both of us. We saw what he saw.”
“And what was that?” Justin asked.
“Hope,” Mark answered simply.
“Hope?”
“We just played you the song, Justin. Listen to the words we sang along with those piano chords; it’s hope. And promises. All the things that Howard and Jay are, all the things they have and that Howard doesn’t want to lose,” Gary explained. For a moment they lapsed back into silence, Justin still looking away, and Gary glanced across at Mark helplessly, not knowing what there was left to say. “Look, you came to ask us to sing at the service and we agreed to play the new song; we’ll be there, Justin. But you have to let Howard sing with us too. And you have to accept that…there’s no right or wrong in this. We all love Jay. We all would like a chance to pay tribute to him, no matter what the truth of what’s happened may be.”
“Just go easy on Howard when you go over there, ok? He’s a fighter but he’s exhausted too; he could use a break from feeling like Jay’s whole family hates him,” Mark put in and Justin looked over at him thoughtfully.
“I don’t want to argue with him, Markie, I really don’t. But he’s just so-”
“Stubborn?” Mark suggested with a smile. He chuckled slightly when he saw Justin’s surprised expression and shrugged lightly in response. “I know that’s what you were going to say because it’s exactly what you say when you talk about Jay.”
***
“Justin – at what point are you going to realise we aren’t twelve years old anymore?” Jason sighed tiredly. His voice wasn’t angry or harsh, but there was a warning just beneath the surface that Justin winced at. “I can’t just drop everything in my life because you’re bored. We have our own lives, our own homes and our own friends; this is not the same as bunking off school because one of us is home sick and needs company – end of discussion.”
“I’m not asking because I’m bored and you know it,” Justin countered quickly, but Jason looked at him steadily, clearly unimpressed.
“It doesn’t matter why you’re asking, Justin; I’ve said no. You’re my twin brother, not my keeper – and we should both be old enough to be past fighting over who spends time with who and for how long.”
“Yeah, well Howard is your boyfriend not your keeper-”
“No one is my keeper,” Jason interjected pointedly and Justin huffed slightly, rolling his eyes and slumping slightly.
“Look, I’m just saying that this is family we’re talking about. Don’t you think family tops boyfriend? You’ve not even known him that long – but me? I’ve known you my whole life; that has to count for something,” he said, raising his eyebrows hopefully but being met with a piercing look from his brother that didn’t yield. The line of his lips was straight and unimpressed and his blue eyes glinted quietly.
“Ok, I take back what I said before; Justin – at what point are you going to realise we aren’t five years old anymore?! I’m not playing favourites with you or him or anyone else. Howard wants me there, Grace asked me to go, I made a promise to them both so I’m going to go – my decision, my reasons and my life.” Jason looked down into his mug and shrugged slightly. “And just for the record I’ve known him a year now. Him and Grace are family too, ok? And I think you should start getting used to that fact.” He looked back up at Justin carefully, blue eyes brighter now and still determined. “Just a suggestion, but I’d listen to it if I were you.”
“You’re really that serious about this guy?” Justin asked, sceptically. “You. My twin brother who loves nothing more than being alone?”
“Oh, so you noticed I like being left alone, then? You just chose to completely ignore it anyway for most of our lives?”
“Please, you know as well as I do that – as far as our family goes – I’m your only hope of having any privacy. Who kept all your secrets growing up?”
“Simon,” Jason stated, a small trace of amusement dancing briefly on his lips. Justin bit back a grin and inclined his head slightly.
“I kept my fair share,” he muttered defensively, and Jason’s expression softened slightly.
“Maybe so. But you were also the most likely to get me in trouble for something you’d done and you were the reason that at least half of our teachers sent me home with bad reports.”
“You say they mixed us up, but you know we don’t even look that much alike – maybe you just weren’t as bright as you thought you were.”
“Pull the other one,” Jason smirked, narrowing his eyes slightly, and Justin couldn’t help but chuckle, even as he deflated slightly.
“So you’re really not going to come? Not even for dad?”
“Justin,” Jason groaned, but Justin continued to look up at him hopefully and he let out a long, tired sigh. “Howard’s never once let me down, dad has. I owe Howard more, simple as that. Dad knows he owes me on the ‘missed opportunities’ front – he’ll get over it.”
“Now who’s behaving like we’re twelve: you can’t hold all of that over dad forever, you know. He came back eventually, and he’s done what he can to make it up to us all.”
“That’s as may be, but it doesn’t change what happened and it doesn’t change how that affected me, Justin. You just don’t know what it was like for me and Simon.”
“How can it have been that much different for you two than it was for me? We’re not that far apart in age – you’re twenty minutes older than me not twenty years.”
“No, I know. But me and Simon were always the ones mum could trust to sort out the rest of you. Then when dad left, Simon folded. And suddenly I had to be the go-to big brother for everyone. It was exhausting and it left me with no one; so forgive me if I’m enjoying a bit of downtime now that you’re all capable of looking after yourselves once in a while.” Jason looked over at Justin thoughtfully, trying to judge how much more to say. They’d never really sat down and talked about his feelings on their dad leaving all those years ago; everyone had just had to get on with it and find a way to cope, and Jason hadn’t wanted to make them feel guilty for leaning on him, more concerned with keeping their dad’s absence from hurting them as much as it had hurt him. His mum understood the fractures in his ability to trust, the insecurities that never really went away – she was a parent and a good one at that. But he’d never really let his brothers see the fault lines and sometimes it was difficult for them to understand why he was the way he was. Perhaps that was another reason why Justin didn’t understand his relationship with Howard; he didn’t realise the significance of Jason suddenly finding someone he trusted enough to confide in, because – for whatever reason – he didn’t acknowledge that a lack of trust had ever been there before. “Look, Justin; you’re my favourite twin, I would love to be there for you and dad, but I made a promise to Howard and I am going to keep it. There’s nothing you can do about it. So please, just drop it, ok?” He tried to gauge Justin’s reaction in his face, but his twin was avoiding his gaze and their once easy ability to understand each other seemed suddenly strained.
“Why are you digging your heels in? About Howard, I mean.”
“Because I care about him…and, come on, Justin. You said it yourself: you’ve known me your whole life. I’ll fight a battle if I think it’s worth fighting.”
“I know, I know. You fight because you inherited the bulk of this family’s stubborn streak and you fully intend to use it. I just hope Howard Donald knows what he’s getting into with you.”
“Oh trust me: he knows.”
***
Howard braced himself when he heard the knock on the door. Mark had sent him a text half an hour ago, warning him that Justin was in a turbulent mood and heading his direction, and Howard knew he would need to dig deep into his energy reserves if he was going to remain patient and calm. It wasn’t that he didn’t understand why Justin’s emotions were high – loss affected people in different ways and Howard didn’t begrudge him his anger or his confusion. The part he struggled with was that that understanding was not returned; whilst Howard accepted Justin’s coping mechanisms, Justin saw all Howard’s ways of dealing as signs of wrongdoing or guilt. It was exhausting and frustrating being used as someone’s punching bag, and Howard had enough reasons to be exhausted already – his ability to calmly let Justin’s remarks roll off him was frayed at best and he feared any exchange between them right now was doomed to end in a fight. He had his suspicions about what Justin wanted to talk about – had been ducking his calls about the memorial service all week – and he wasn’t sure whether he’d be able to bite his tongue when Justin started raking over the details he simply didn’t want to know. But he wanted to try – for Jason’s sake if nothing else. So he took a deep breath and opened the apartment door.
For a moment Justin simply stood in the open doorway, his eyes not on Howard but instead on the room beyond. There was a haunted look on his face, one that Howard had come to know well over the past months, and he felt a pang of sympathy for Justin. He found memories in every corner of this place, saw the pictures of Jason every day and the places where Jason wasn’t anymore and knew the sound of the silence – it wasn’t that it didn’t bother him, it’s just that his life had sunken into the space. But for Justin he got to walk away from it, and every time he returned he relived the shock. Howard gave him a small, awkward nod of understanding and, to his surprise, the gesture was returned as Justin tentatively stepped inside.
“So,” Justin said in an empty voice. His eyes were on the noticeboard in the kitchen where notes in Jason’s handwriting were still pinned amongst the clutter of a life suspended.
“So,” Howard echoed tensely, shoving his hands in his pockets and looking down at the floor.
“I’m assuming you got all my messages,” Justin remarked hollowly and Howard nodded.
“I got them. I just thought it was best to leave it be. You and me don’t agree on this, why go looking for a fight?” he shrugged, looking back up at Justin slowly, hoping to somehow convey to him that he didn’t intend his statement to sound sullen or abrasive.
“You could’ve picked up the phone and told me that,” Justin sighed.
“I’m just tired of being the enemy, Justin. I wanted a break from being snapped at so I thought I’d give us both some space before I phoned you back. But you’re here now, so just say whatever you want to say, ok?” Howard lifted his hands in an expansive, inviting gesture, though he couldn’t help the hard edge to his voice. Justin caught the steeliness of his eyes and his own expression hardened slightly as he let out a sharp, irritated breath.
“Look, you don’t get the monopoly on not liking this situation, ok? We’re all struggling with this, but it doesn’t give you the right to play the victim and cry insult every time we question you on anything,” he said tightly. Howard’s face twisted into a scowl and he looked away, swallowing down all the retorts that came into his head. Justin still watched him, though; eyes fierce and body tense. “He’s my twin brother, Howard – it doesn’t get any closer than that. He’s been there my whole life and suddenly he’s not: I don’t even know where to begin processing that. So I’m sorry if I don’t sound accommodating enough to your cryptic comments and your denial and your ridiculous theories, but something important has been ripped away from me, and I’m just not in the mood for patience and placation right now.”
“And you think I haven’t had something ripped away from me too?!” Howard asked in a barked, humourless laugh. “I might not have known him my whole life but Jay is my best friend, my closest ally – not to mention the love of my life – and all of this is every bit as painful for me as it is for you. The only difference is I’m not trying to blame you for anything, I’m not trying to make you feel like some sort of traitor for not behaving however I might expect you to behave. I’m not trying to turn this into a competition over who knows Jay the best or loves him the most; I’m just trying to stay hopeful, stay breathing somehow even though I’m without him. I’m just trying to stay strong for him the way I know he would for me – it’s the only thing I know how to do and you can’t make me feel bad for that, so don’t bother trying.”
“Fine. Have it your way, dig your heels in – I’m just trying to make this easier for everybody. I’m just trying to be there for Jay the way he was always there for me growing up.” Justin swallowed hard and closed his eyes for a moment, trying to steady his breathing and bring the conversation back from the cliff-edge it seemed to have wandered far too close to. “You think you know him so well, Howard. But you didn’t grow up with him, you didn’t see-”
“Didn’t see what? Didn’t see the time he got detention because he let the teacher believe he was the one fighting in the corridor at lunch time so that you wouldn’t get suspended? Didn’t see him that first night after your dad left when he stayed awake all night, trying to cheer you up ‘til you fell asleep? What about when he skipped out on his dance crew before a big competition so he could come pick you up when your car broke down in a shitty part of town? Or when him and Simon came and found you and helped patch you up at three in the morning and then covered for you so that your mum didn’t find out you’d snuck out with your mates and got drunk, despite being grounded and also wildly underage?” Justin stared dumbly back at Howard for a moment, and Howard shook his head slightly, hardly believing that Justin didn’t think Jason would have shared secrets with him. “Jay and me fight, sometimes. But Jay and you fight too and you know it – it doesn’t change anything; you still love each other, don’t you? Nobody’s perfect – least of all Jay and me. But it doesn’t mean he doesn’t trust me with all his stories. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t make promises to me and keep them. And it definitely doesn’t mean either me or you has the right to start saying ‘I know him better’ because it’s not the fucking point, you know? It’s not a fight for his time or his attention and it’s not a competition for who misses him the most. Jay’s Jay – he doesn’t prioritize who he cares about, he just does what he needs to do for them. So why can’t you do that for him too? Because let’s face it: Jay’s missing, and we all hate it – nobody wins, Justin. So just stop fighting me and find some other way to be strong, because I’m done wasting my energy on squabbling.”
The two men fell into an uneasy silence, Howard watching Justin carefully and Justin staring back, feeling angry but no longer convinced he had the right to be. He swallowed hard, blinking rapidly to stop the tears which had begun to sting his eyes. “Is the memorial going ahead next week?” Howard asked quietly. Justin simply nodded. “And the time and day are the same as you told me in your last message?” Justin nodded again. “Ok. Well I’ll be there. But I won’t join the family when you throw the flowers into the river – my feelings about that haven’t changed. And Grace still won’t be coming; she knows the police think Jason was hurt but she doesn’t know everything and I want to keep it that way – she’s too young to have to cope with any of this.” Howard’s face scrunched up briefly at that and he looked down. “Now, is there anything else you want to say or are we done here?” he asked. For a moment Justin said nothing, but Howard could hear him drawing in a deep, calming breath.
“The song, the one Gary said you all wrote for Jay.” Justin’s voice was quiet and nervous and Howard finally looked back up at him.
“What about it?”
“I’d like for you to sing it at the service – will you?” Justin asked, his voice clipped but something suddenly softer about the look in his eyes. Howard chewed on the inside of his cheek, closing his eyes for a moment before looking back at Justin and giving him a curt nod.
“Ok. But no speeches. And no goodbyes – not from me, anyway. The rest of you can believe what you like, say what you like…but I’m there to sing with the band and show anyone who wants to know just how much I care about Jason. I’m not there for a goodbye and you won’t force one out of me. I’m not capable of not hoping, Justin. I’m not capable of not waiting for him or of turning my back on all those promises just yet.”
***
Mark and Gary huddled close together on the building’s steps, squinting against the bitter breeze that blew down the street. The fine drizzle was getting stronger and everything seemed somehow colourless beneath the clouds, the bold blue sky print of Mark’s umbrella the only bright splash around – the two men hunched themselves beneath it, wincing as another icy gust whipped the rain under the umbrella’s rim.
“Trust you to own the only piece of blue sky in all of Manchester,” Gary remarked wryly, playfully bumping Mark’s shoulder and flashing him a smile. Mark’s eyes twinkled up at him as he bumped Gary’s shoulder back.
“Stop criticising my umbrella, Barlow; I woke up this morning feeling like blue skies were coming back in fashion, that’s all.”
“Tell that to these rainclouds,” Gary muttered, peering up at the ominously dark sky with a wince, and Mark smacked him lightly on the arm.
“All I’m saying is…these past months have been awful. And neither one of us feels ok about coming here today. But even though everything is just raindrops and questions right now, I just feel like…we’re all going to be ok.” Mark shrugged, a small frown suddenly coming over his features. “I wish Jay was here so much though,” he murmured and Gary wrapped an arm around his shoulders, kissing his temple.
“We all do.”
“I know. I’m just taking whatever hope I can get when I find it, I suppose,” Mark sighed, shaking his head slightly as if to clear away his thoughts. “Blue skies, Barlow. They’ve got to be coming soon.”
“I hope you’re right, Marko. For all our sakes,” Gary said, his gaze returning to the empty street.
He peered sceptically out into the rain-streaked distance before glancing down at his watch with a frown. As if sensing his thoughts, Mark elbowed him lightly, eyes determined as he flashed him a half-smile.
“Stop worrying, ok? Howard will be here. He hates today as much as we do, but I know he wants them to hear the song. I think he’s hoping it might help them understand.” His voice was so gentle it could hardly be heard above the sound of the rain pattering against the umbrella, its frequency increasing as the rain grew heavier. “It’s funny, you know – Jay and his brothers are so close, and Howard’s always been treated like part of the family…but as soon as Howard wants them to recognize him and Jay as being part of their own family? They don’t want anything to do with him anymore.”
“Circumstances change, I suppose. And it’s not been easy for anyone these past few weeks – I don’t think any of us have really acted entirely like ourselves,” Gary sighed. “I think part of the problem is that…they don’t see Howard and Jay every day like we do. We’ve watched them bicker, kiss, tease, dance and challenge each other and we’ve watched them sit in total silence and on opposite sides of the room – we get the whole spectrum of boring, normal existence that his family will probably never know. They get weekends or birthdays or the odd night out here or there, they see these snatches of what Jason and Howard have become but they don’t have the context. Makes it harder to understand sometimes.”
“That doesn’t make it ok to treat him like he’s done something wrong, though. And it doesn’t mean they don’t know how much he means to Jay – everyone knows.”
“Maybe. But I’m also not so sure they really don’t know; I think that right now they just don’t care. They’re grieving, Marko,” Gary pointed out gently, and Mark looked away, his lips curving down.
“Then why aren’t we?” he asked softly, nervously.
“We are grieving, in our own way; for life how it used to be, for a friendship that’s missing from our lives. Just because we would rather have a little faith and hold onto hope a little longer it doesn’t make us wrong. And just because they just want it all to be over one way or another doesn’t make them wrong either. Howard knows that too, deep down. It won’t stay this tense forever…and singing at the service today can only help.”
Mark was about to reply when he spotted movement at the end of the street and he elbowed Gary suddenly, nodding his head towards a hunched figure heading their way.
“Told you he’d make it,” Mark said, his voice brightening, and Gary chuckled softly.
“Howard Donald always keeps his word,” he remarked.
“Unless he oversleeps,” Mark put in with a playful smirk and Gary glanced at him curiously.
“Isn’t that on the Donald family crest?” he joked and Mark grinned back at him.
“You sound like Jay,” he said before looking back over in Howard’s direction. “But I’m pretty sure the full motto is that Howard Donald always keeps his word, unless he oversleeps or forgets to charge his phone.” Gary laughed and Mark winked at him slyly.
“Now who sounds like Jay,” Gary muttered, suppressing his smile but unable to hide the sparkle in his blue eyes as he spoke. Mark was no longer looking at him, however, his attention already turned back towards Howard, his expression softening into something less impish and more sympathetic.
“Morning, Howard,” Mark called as Howard approached them; his head was down and his shoulders tense, but there was a strange sort of peace in his bright blue eyes, which were incongruously bright amidst the drizzle. He lifted his gaze from the pavement just in time for Mark to come running over to him, and Gary rolled his eyes affectionately as he was left standing out in the rain. With a fond sigh he made his way down the steps to join Mark and Howard on the street, ducking under the umbrella as quickly as he could. “You ready to do this mate?” Mark was asking kindly as Gary came up behind him, wrapping an arm around his waist.
“I’m as ready as I’ll ever be,” Howard sighed in reply, giving Gary a small nod in greeting.
“Well in that case, we should get in there – the mics are set up already, all you have to do is stand and sing,” Gary said, offering Howard a small smile that was returned in kind.
The three men slipped silently into the back of the room. Candles had been arranged in an artfully casual way around the room, a modest selection of white flowers interspersed here and there, and an impressive number of friends and family had made it to the simple service. Justin was standing at the head of the room, speaking in a forcedly even voice and telling some sort of story from the Orange boys’ childhood. Howard tried not to listen, focusing instead on the task at hand as Gary led the way towards where a grand piano and two microphones had been set up. But out the corner of his eye he couldn’t help but notice the photograph Justin had chosen for the orders of service; Jason in his dancing days, caught in a dramatic final pose, hair sticking to his forehead and a sly, gorgeous smile on his lips. It was a side of Jason he knew well; the grace and energy, the flare. And suddenly Howard felt a pang of gratitude towards Justin – because for all their differences, for all their disagreements over who knew Jason best, it was clear they both saw him the same way when it came down to it: glorious, vivid and smiling. Howard felt Mark’s concerned eyes on him – he had come to a halt at his side, looking at him curiously – but when Howard met his gaze his eyes were all determination and he gave him a small nod.
“I’m ok,” he whispered and Mark nodded back, giving his arm a squeeze before joining Gary by the piano, sitting beside him on the stool and joining him in pouring over a collection of scribbled notes. Howard slowly came up to join them and Gary glanced up at him.
“You know the revised harmonies?” Gary asked Howard in a soft voice.
“Off by heart. You know the chords?” Howard replied and Gary smiled.
“Off by heart,” he echoed. “Marko – words?” Gary arched an eyebrow at Mark, his lips curving up in mild amusement, and Howard almost chuckled.
“Emergency lyrics written on my left hand – wave if you need help,” Mark replied, getting to his feet and crossing over to his microphone. Gary and Howard shared an amused grin before Howard made his way to his own microphone, fiddling slightly with the height as he took a moment to steady his nerves. “You still ok to do this?” Mark whispered. Howard looked down at the ground but still nodded. “Ok. Well then Justin’s going to nod to Gary when it’s time – just follow Gaz’s lead from then on and we’ll be fine.”
All three of them found they were holding their breath, their muscles tensed – though whether it was fear or sadness they couldn’t say for sure. There was something both magical and terrifying about letting the world listen to a piece of your heart, Gary supposed, and goodness knew they’d broken off pieces of their hearts to make this song. He cast a glance across at Howard, whose grip on his microphone was tight, his eyes studiously downturned and a slight furrow to his brow; he was determined to get through this song and Gary suspected he’d probably do so without much trouble, it was what happened afterwards when all that energy and determination had no real direction to be focused in that really had Gary nervous. He looked away and took a deep breath, watching as Justin ended his speech and glanced his way. The nod finally came and Gary swallowed hard. Over the top of the piano, Mark caught his eye, giving him a small smile of encouragement. And so Gary began to play.
“There's a place we used to be,
There's a face that I used to see,
There's a picture with you by my side,
There's a moment that I want to find…” Gary’s voice seemed to hang in the heavy air of the room, reverberating off Howard’s bones. He closed his eyes and let the sound sink into his tired body, feeling the weight of the past weeks settle over him and for once not fighting to ignore the way every inch of him ached. He felt Mark reach out and squeeze his hand and he slowly reopened his eyes, looking over at Mark with a sad smile. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Jason’s family standing together, tears in their eyes. He was conscious of the lack of tears on his own face, but Jenny Orange offered him a watery smile and he returned it nervously.
From his place at the piano, Gary watched him carefully as he sang, ready to drop the entire song on Howard’s word, but the word didn’t come and he continued to lean his whole body into the gentle sway of the music, letting the piano’s soft, haunting lilt transport him, the emotions of the song beginning to sink deep into his skin. Every key seemed to pull more on the frayed nerve-endings of all of those present for the service and Gary was well aware of how intently their ears were listening to him, could feel the delicate strings that had begun to form, connecting the whole room to the piano and their three voices.
“It hurts but it’s beautiful. I thought beautiful but troubled just seemed the right thing for Jay,” Justin murmured to his parents, both of whom nodded, brushing at their falling tears.
“If you ever turn away,
If you ever change your mind,
If the road ahead becomes too hard to climb,
If there's something in your heart that tells you to stop,
Oh to hold you close tonight,
I'd wait for life,” Gary continued, his eyes still keeping careful watch of Howard. There was something devastating about Howard’s harmonies that sent vibrations through the air, and Gary could see he was giving everything he had to the song. Mark had to stare at the ceiling so as to avoid shedding any tears and his own harmony wavered briefly as he fought to regain his composure – the three of them all knew the significance of the lines yet to come and it was only through sheer force of will that Gary was able to keep his voice steady. He could see Mark digging his fingernails into his palms, could see the bright white of Howard’s knuckles as he held even tighter to his microphone. And then Howard looked over at him, blue eyes fierce and suddenly calm. He gave Gary the slightest of nods and Gary nodded back before turning his eyes back down to his fingers on the piano keys as he sang on.
“There's a voice shouting inside my head,
There's a space on your side of the bed,
There's a hope every time there's a sound,
There's a silence that's playing too loud,
I don't know where you are,
Or how you may be,
But I know I love you still…” Gary continued, aware of everyone’s eyes briefly shifting away from him and onto Howard. Everyone knew who wrote those words – even those who couldn’t guess from the words themselves could have easily read it from the pained look on Howard’s face. Gary and Mark shared a glance; they knew the most emotional part hadn’t even come yet and they weren’t sure how people would react to hearing Jason’s words sung back to them. They had built this song around Jason and Howard’s hearts in an effort to keep them in one piece, the world needed to hear that – but they were still Jason’s words, they were still taken from a note that had brought his family grief and it was hard to say whether or not their music could really give them the same hope that Howard had found in them.
“Come on, Jay – you tell them what you told us,” Mark whispered under his breath. Only Howard heard him and he gave him a small, sad smile that briefly lit up his eyes before the pain clouded them over once again as Gary began to sing the lines that Howard remembered all too well.
“If I close my eyes,
I'll dream a little deeper, baby.
'Cause you are always on my mind,
Yeah you are always on my mind,
For life.”
Gary felt the tension in his body evaporate in a heartbeat and he smiled softly, closing his eyes as he leant into the song for a moment, letting the sadness become something more mellow. When he opened his eyes he looked over at Mark and Howard, who glanced back at him with matching sad smiles, even as Mark brushed self-consciously at a tear which was rolling down his cheek. The whole room seemed to have buckled slightly. Justin swallowed hard, his gaze meeting Howard’s – Howard nodded to him and he nodded back, his eyes tentatively apologetic. Jason’s dad broke down, covering his face as he cried and leaning into Justin’s side. A woman at the back of the room crumpled, crying into the shoulder of her dazed-looking husband. A man close to the piano buried his face in his hands. Jenny smiled even as she cried, looking up at the ceiling and letting out a choked half-laugh half-sob. Simon and Oliver both moved to wrap their arms around her, their gazes trained on the floor. At the piano, Gary closed his eyes once more, his fingers gentle and slow as he moved through the song’s tender, bittersweet final notes.
“I’d wait for life.”
As the sombre applause ebbed away, Gary collected up his notes and stood, Mark coming to join him and taking his hand. When the two of them looked around for Howard, however, he was already gone. A celebrant was standing at the head of the room now, talking in a solemn voice about life and loss, and Mark and Gary exchanged a glance.
“What do we do?” Mark whispered, eyes wide and gloomy as he looked up into Gary’s face. Gary simply sighed, glancing back towards the doors briefly before looking down into Mark’s face once more.
“I don’t think either one of us wants to be here. And I’m not sure Howard deserves to think he’s alone in this,” he replied in a hushed tone. Mark simply nodded.
“Ok. Let’s go.”
Howard hadn’t gotten far. Mark and Gary found him standing alone on the rain-soaked pavement, his eyes watching the patterns the rain made across the puddles. The sky had turned a tumultuous shade of grey, and the rain was heavier than it had been when they’d gone inside, but Howard hardly seemed to notice. His hood was pulled up but it was doing little to protect him from the rainstorm, and Mark shivered just to look at him. Silently Gary took hold of the umbrella, putting it up before nodding his head in Howard’s direction, holding out his hand to Mark who took it gratefully, huddling close as Gary tugged him gently down the steps.
At first Howard didn’t seem to have noticed them coming to stand alongside him in the rain, but then Mark squinted, looking more closely into his face; something flickered briefly in his eyes and Mark knew he had spotted them. His expression was quiet, a furrow in his brow, but those eyes of his were still brilliant and blue as he stared out into the rain. The sadness was still there – it was almost a part of him now – but there was a stillness about him too which worried Mark. Howard Donald was so rarely still. Gary squeezed Mark’s hand, though his eyes didn’t leave Howard, and the two of them closed the final distance left between them, coming to stand in line with Howard at the pavement’s edge.
“I’m not going back in there,” Howard muttered at last, his voice almost lost beneath the sound of the rain. The three men were all facing into the raindrops now and Howard hardly seemed to notice the cold rainwater splashing at his face. Mark suddenly felt the weight of all his sleepless nights pressing down on him and he sniffed slightly, brushing at the tear tracks that were still fresh on his cheeks. At his side Gary squared his shoulders, stoicism coming over him, his blue eyes sharp and calm.
“No,” he said softly. “We’re not either, for what it’s worth.” His tone was stiff, a brief glimmer of pain just visible in his eyes that was suppressed just as quickly as it appeared. Mark brushed at fresh tears determinedly, chewing at the inside of his cheek in a feeble attempt at distracting his mind.
“It’s not right. I mean, it’s all so messed up, but the way they’re treating you – us – just for…” he trailed off, shaking his head slightly. He wasn’t sure why that was what he was focusing on – there was so much about the day that was wrong and to focus on that was odd, he supposed. Maybe a part of Mark had wanted someone to come after them, to come running out into the rain to agree that everything was all wrong about this and that they somehow had the solution to fix everything immediately. It was an irrational hope but Mark couldn’t stifle it, could feel it blossom in his chest, pressing on his ribcage painfully. He winced and looked away.
For a moment no one spoke. And then Howard finally turned his gaze away from the rain, looking over at Mark and Gary intently.
“He didn’t do it.” He looked between the two of them, a flicker of fear showing in those bright eyes of his. “You both know that, don’t you?” Howard watched them carefully as he spoke and Mark kept his gaze turned the other way, trying to order his thoughts. Beside him Gary let out a long breath. How many times did they have to face that question before the answer finally seemed simple to them?
“I think I know that, Howard. But I just…” Gary shook his head, swallowing down a lump in his throat. “I know Jay always keeps his promises. I know that something isn’t right. And I think I know that – whatever piece of the puzzle it is we’re missing – this is not what he chose. For you or for anyone else.”
“It doesn’t make sense. Not after the way he was that night,” Mark whispered, the image still clear in his mind of Jason laughing tenderly as he listened to Howard on the other end of the phone. “It doesn’t make sense any way you look at it. Jay’s more stubborn than that, you know?” Howard smiled at that. A wonky smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, but a genuine smile all the same.
The quiet made Mark uneasy and he let out a sigh. “Come on, let’s…let’s go back to the flat,” he suggested tightly. He looked up at Gary before glancing back over to Howard, who stared out blankly into the rain once more. Gary watched Howard for a moment too before drawing in a deep breath, steeling himself to play the leader despite the fact he really didn’t feel like it. Mark gave his hand a small, supportive squeeze.
“Sure. Sounds like a plan,” Gary said at last. He let go of Mark’s hand then, wrapping his arm around his shoulders instead and squeezing him reassuringly. As Gary scanned the street, Mark continued to look over at Howard, who still seemed to be engrossed by the patterns being made by the rain.
“Howard?” he pressed tentatively. Howard looked down at the ground, his frown briefly deepening.
“Sorry, lads…not today. I’ll you see you some other time, ok? But right now I just…I need to be at the apartment. I need to be somewhere he can find me if he wants to. If he needs to,” he told them with a sigh. “But you two go. I’ll be fine on my own.” Mark and Gary watched him uncertainly for a moment before exchanging a worried glance. Mark shrugged awkwardly, unsure what more they could say or do; Jason was the only one who could read Howard well enough to know how to pull him back from his darker moods, the only one who’d ever been able to snatch him out of a daydream or pull a smile out of one of his frowns. Gary looked back at Howard and smiled tightly.
“You can call any time,” he offered gently. Howard nodded, gratitude in his eyes even though his mouth still remained an unreadable line, and Mark and Gary nodded back by way of a goodbye before slowly breaking away from him and heading out into the rain.
Alone on the pavement again, Howard stayed still for a moment, listening to the rhythm of the raindrops on the tarmac. Behind him two latecomers were making their way up the steps, Jason’s name being uttered solemnly as they hurried in through the doors. Howard frowned and kept his gaze trained on the rain. Justin had asked again for him to speak that morning and he’d told him he’d think about it, but the truth was he’d never had any intention of staying beyond the song. This wasn’t about Jason, this was about the people who were left behind trying to make sense of all the questions. Howard had the only answers there were to be had though, that much he was sure of; Jason was out there somewhere, beneath the same rainclouds, making the same wishes and promises as Howard. A rumble of thunder cut through the air and Howard’s eyes turned skywards. He could feel the coldness of the raindrops on his skin, could feel it to his bones, but he closed his eyes against the sensation, refusing to flinch. There was a strange satisfaction in that stinging feeling; something tangible and human. Somehow it felt like a connection, like something he could imagine Jason feeling, the raindrops connecting them through a snatched, shared moment of human experience, out in the wet and the cold.
But some small voice nagged in the back of his head, telling him they were just raindrops and that the sky – though it was that same sky overhead – could still keep him and Jason miles apart, could put just as much distance between them as it closed. And there was always a chance he would never see Jason again, whether he looked up at the sky or not.
“Where’d you go, Jay?” Howard asked softly, staring up at the clouds as though he hoped to see a flare hanging above him, guiding him through the rain to wherever Jason might be. But the raindrops chose not to pass on whatever messages they might have and so Howard sighed. If Jason would find him anywhere, he’d find him at home; if the raindrops wouldn’t talk to him then he’d just have to wait to be found.
***
Howard woke to the sound of his phone vibrating against the bedside table, the harsh rattle just that bit too close to his ear to be ignored. He rolled over, reaching out blindly for the phone with a low, sleepy groan that was half-muffled by his pillow and, opening one eye, he lifted himself just enough to grab the phone up, wincing slightly against the bright backlight. And then a drowsy smile spread across his face as he picked out the name that was lit up on the screen. Flopping back against the pillows, he quickly brought the phone up to his ear, rolling onto his stomach.
“Hey, you,” he answered quickly, his voice sleep-rough and warm.
“Hey, you,” came the gentle reply, and Howard could hear the smile in it. “Sorry for calling. I know it’s late.”
“Jay, if I minded you calling me I wouldn’t have picked up the phone,” Howard replied gently. There was a pause at the other end then; neither awkward nor ashamed, simply one of those little silences Howard had come to know so well, where everything was somehow suddenly ok, because they were together again, in their own way. Howard let his heavy eyelids close for a moment, sinking back into the pillow contentedly. Outside the rattle and clank of overnight trains briefly pierced the night, along with the raps and whips of the flags against the poles outside the hotel’s front entrance. But Howard focused on the even sound of Jason’s breathing, a smile curving across his lips as he imagined Jason lying in their bed back home, listening back. The room was bathed in a tranquil fuzz of orange and white as the moonlight mixed with the streetlamps below, the foreign outlines of the clean, empty hotel room a sharp contrast with the familiar sense of Jason’s presence – he was at home and far away all at once and it was a strangely comforting sensation. Surrounded by foreign signs and accents, there was always the sense of being an outsider – it never really bothered Howard during the daytime, but it waited to creep up on him in the shadows after midnight. It was always the way with homesickness, though; it snuck up on him in the night and reminded him just how much he missed his country, his boyfriend and his bed.
“What’s wrong, Jay?” Howard asked softly at last. He heard the rustle of sheets on the other end of the line and the warm, rough sound of Jason’s laugh, brief but genuine.
“Nothing. You should go back to sleep, How,” he replied.
“You called for nothing?” Howard countered, smiling knowingly, and Jason let out another soft laugh. “Talk to me,” Howard offered, gentle and fond. “What was it? Something on your mind, bad dreams, or just couldn’t sleep?”
“You know me too well.”
“I know you just right,” Howard murmured. He could almost hear Jason’s smile down the line. Another pause, another silence he could read, even across the miles between them.
“Is it ok if we don’t talk about it?” Jason asked after a beat. “I just want to hear your voice for a while. Talk about nothing, just you and me.” Howard’s lips curved into a quiet smile at that, and he shifted his weight so that the phone was trapped between his head and the pillow before settling back against the stiff hotel mattress with a sigh.
“Talking about nothing with you?” he whispered. “Sounds like an offer I can’t refuse.”
“Thank you,” Jason murmured in reply, his voice so low and quiet, an immense and genuine gratitude just beneath the words. Howard felt the weight of those words and a small smile touched his lips; it was the intimacy of Jason’s tone, the way a hundred other thank yous lay just beneath the one that had been uttered, like a confession for only Howard to hear.
“Any time, love,” Howard said, honest and earnest, and somehow he knew Jason was smiling. “But if you want nothing, Jason Orange; then I have nothing for you,” he added, his tone lighter, and Jason laughed softly. “For instance: I met a man today who swears blind he can hit a bull’s-eye even after fifteen pints.”
“I thought you’re supposed to be over there for work,” Jason shot back, amused, and Howard couldn’t help but grin.
“These are my people, Jay,” he explained, his grin widening when Jason laughed again.
“And let me guess, he proved it to you?”
“What can I say; we had to find out. Long story short I lost a bet and had to DJ in drag tonight. I hope it’s ok with you that I’m going to elope with a bi-sexual German drunk darts player called Max,” Howard told Jason, his tone matter-of-fact but his smile mischievous.
“Oh really, you’re eloping? Is that wise, Howard Donald? Does this man know you aren’t even half as good looking when you’re not in full make-up?” Howard heard the barely-smothered amusement behind Jason’s words and he bit back a laugh of his own.
“Are you saying you don’t think I’m pretty, Jason Orange?” This time Jason laughed outright – bright and clear – and Howard closed his eyes, warmed by the sound and unashamedly proud to have coaxed that lightness out.
“I’m just saying, if you’re going to elope, then I hope he loves you for your mind,” Jason told him. “Or at the very least your body,” he added playfully, and Howard chuckled.
“Oh really?”
“It’s a very nice body, it shouldn’t be wasted,” Jason replied, his tone somehow solemn and amused all at once, and Howard let out a low, lazy laugh that was half-muffled by his pillow.
“I knew there had to be a reason you put up with me.”
“There’s a lot of reasons I put up with you,” Jason countered quickly, his voice suddenly gentle, and Howard’s smile softened slightly.
“I’ll bear that in mind,” he murmured back. Then the corner of his lips twitched up again. “I think I’m gonna have to break Max’s heart for you,” he added, making Jason chuckle.
“He’ll get over it. But still, I’m touched.” Jason’s voice was full of tender amusement, the last of his guards officially down, and Howard let the quiet fall around them once more, listening again to the sound of Jason’s breathing.
“You sure you don’t want to talk about whatever it is?” he asked after a minute. Jason let out a heavy sigh and Howard heard the rustle of sheets once again as the pause dragged on.
“Are your curtains open where you are?” The question was sudden and it took Howard by surprise, his brow furrowing slightly.
“Sure. Why?”
“Can you see the stars?” Jason asked him quietly. Howard pushed himself up in the bed and leant forwards just enough to peer up at the sky.
“Faintly. Why?”
“You know what the brightest star in the sky is?”
“The North Star?” Howard guessed, slowly climbing out of bed and moving over to the window to see the sky more clearly.
“Actually it’s not; it’s Sirius. You can find it by finding Orion’s belt – it points down towards it,” Jason said, his voice very soft now and his tone somehow distant and fragile. Sometimes it occurred to Howard that he could pull Jason open without even trying; when they talked like this the secrets and sins just fell out of them as easily as breathing, the closeness so easy that at times it was possible to forget just how few people ever heard Jason’s voice turn this quiet, ever saw the lines where the fractures lay or knew what it was like to see his fragility and tenderness bare and exposed. “Sometimes when I was growing up I’d look up at the sky at night and I couldn’t get over how crazy it was that people were all out there living their lives under the same stars I could see, you know? I used to think about dad sometimes. Or friends who moved away who I never saw again.” Howard smiled slightly, looking up at the stars and trying to trace the faint patterns, dimmed as they were by the glow of the city.
“I can see Sirius from my window,” he said quietly at last.
“So can I,” Jason replied. For a moment silence fell between them as they both stared up at the star. There was a slight catch in Jason’s breathing and Howard wondered how it could be that he felt so close and so far away at the same time, how it was possible to feel within touching distance of someone all those miles away. “Is it ok if this is one secret I don’t explain?” Jason asked at last. “Can it just be enough to know that I couldn’t sleep and there’s a thousand thoughts going round my head and…I just wanted to hear your voice?” Howard smiled sadly at that, shaking his head slightly.
“How is it that someone as beautiful as you can be so lonely?” he asked gently. He heard the sound of Jason rolling over, could just imagine the tired smile on his lips.
“I’m not lonely anymore. Still sleepless, maybe. Troubled, definitely. But I’m not lonely anymore, Howard. Not since you.”
***
Howard barely remembered the journey home, never mind crashing out on the sofa. He’d not had a good night’s sleep in so long that he supposed it wasn’t surprising – what was surprising was that he’d woken up so abruptly. It was still raining outside but the apartment remained still and quiet, no sign of whatever had stirred him. Blearily he lifted his head from the sofa cushions and pushed himself up to sit, rubbing at the crick in his neck and wincing slightly at the stiffness in his muscles; he must’ve been deeply asleep to have not noticed how uncomfortable he’d been. With a sigh he got to his feet, slightly frustrated at being awake for no apparent reason but supposing sleep would no doubt elude him if he tried to lie back down. And then he heard a noise; a soft rap on the door. He turned towards the noise, staring at the door curiously – if the knocking was what had woken him, then how long had whoever it was been standing out there? Mark and Gary would’ve used Gary’s spare key by now, but he couldn’t think of anyone else who would simply show up at the door without calling first. He glanced at the clock – too early for any of Jason’s brothers to be showing up, a thought that filled him with relief. Howard took a deep breath and squared his shoulders, preparing to dig deep and find his best brave face; with any luck he could get rid of whoever it was quickly and try and go back to sleep.
But all thoughts of sleep fell away instantly when he saw who was standing on the other side of the apartment’s front door.
His clothes were rain-soaked, his hair damp, and raindrops were spattered across his unusually pale skin. He was thinner than he remembered. Yet those eyes – God, those eyes – were impossibly bright, shining that familiarly piercing cobalt blue. Howard felt a small, choked sound escape him as he took him in; his arms criss-crossed protectively around himself, his expression that curious mixture of hope and worry that was uniquely him. Jason.
For a moment the two of them just stared at each other, dazed and holding their breath. Howard felt his grip on the door tighten as his world seemed to shift in and out of focus; the only thing he could still make out was Jason’s face, the honest, gorgeous lines of it just as he remembered, just as he’d imagined them being when he’d longed for this moment in his dreams.
“Are you real?” Howard asked at last in a small, tense voice. He was rewarded with a tiny, lopsided smile and a choked half-laugh.
“I bloody hope so,” Jason replied. Howard laughed too at that – the sound strange and scratchy in his throat. He could see the mixture of strength and fragility in Jason’s face – recognized it from his own face in the mirror every morning for the past few months – and he felt his whole chest tighten briefly, pride and love mixing together with all the longing and hope that had crashed down on him the moment he’d opened the door. Without waiting to let any of the questions that filled his head spill out of his lips, Howard took a step closer to Jason and tenderly cupped his face in his hands, looking down into his eyes intently.
“I bloody hope so too,” he whispered huskily before dipping his head and pulling Jason into a kiss. As he let his eyes close, he felt Jason’s arms looping around his neck and he smiled at the familiarity of it, at the feel of Jason’s body pressed once more against his own. He wrapped his arms around him tightly, so tightly he could feel his heart beating, and when the kiss finally ended he held them there, keeping Jason pulled firmly against him and drawing in a deep, steadying breath.
Carefully – and only when he was sure he was ready to move – he pulled back just enough to look down into Jason’s face; his eyes fluttered open just in time to meet his gaze and he stared up at him silently as a single tear began to slide down his cheek. Tenderly Howard reached up, brushing it away with the pad of his thumb, and Jason’s eyes closed tightly once more as he let Howard hold him close.
“Jay,” Howard breathed – I’ll let you call me Jay – and he rested his chin on top of his head, rubbing his back soothingly. The warmth of his body, the sound of his heartbeat – he still knew the sensation so well, his body seeming to recognize Jason’s immediately. They’d always had that strange familiarity, that instinct for each other that they couldn’t quite explain. Howard swallowed and pressed a lingering kiss to the top of Jason’s head. “You’re ok,” he murmured into his hair. A statement, a question, a reply; for himself, for Jason – he wasn’t sure. “You’re ok. You’re here,” he said quietly.
“And so are you,” Jason mumbled against him, his voice soft and shaky, and Howard squeezed him tight, a watery smile touching his lips.
“Where else would I be, you daft sod,” he said in an almost-laugh, and he couldn’t help but grin when he felt Jason’s laugh vibrate against his ribs, slight but still warm, still real. “If I’m about to discover I’m still asleep on the sofa and Mark’s let Cadbury fall asleep on top of me – again – I’m going to be so pissed off when I wake up,” Howard managed in a weak voice, delight flaring up in him when Jason laughed once more, this time a little stronger.
“Not as pissed off as I’ll be if you’re leaving me for a chocolate Labrador,” Jason said, shifting just slightly to look back up into Howard’s face. “Howard-”
“No, Jay – it’s…it’s ok, you don’t have to-”
“I do eventually,” Jason whispered. For a moment he looked up at Howard sadly. “I love you,” he added quietly and Howard smiled, cupping his cheek and pressing a lingering kiss to his forehead.
“I love you too, Jay. So much.”
Howard had dreamed that he would just wake up one day and find Jason there, had imagined a thousand different ways that Jason would fall into his arms, explain everything and suddenly make his world ok again. But he had never imagined this. Hadn’t imagined it happening now or like this, hadn’t imagined it’d be so easy, so simple to him. He found he hardly cared what the explanation was, hardly cared about anything other than the fact that his could feel Jason’s skin, hear his heartbeat. See those eyes looking up at him in that quiet, intense way of his. He could whisper promises against his lips.
He brushed his thumb gently across Jason’s cheek once more and then slowly – reluctantly – took a step back, silently holding out his hand. Jason’s gaze stayed on him but he took the offered hand immediately, letting Howard interlock their fingers. Wordlessly Howard led him over to the apartment’s vast windows, briefly bringing their joined hands to his lips to kiss Jason’s knuckles tenderly before pulling him carefully down to sit with him on the floor. Jason seemed to know every movement before it was made and he followed silently, letting Howard lead him. He wrapped his arms around Howard’s waist as they made themselves comfortable on the floor, and Howard pulled him close, letting him rest his head against him and close his eyes. For a while they sat there, listening only to the raindrops and the sounds of each other breathing. Howard couldn’t get over how different the silence was now, how suddenly it didn’t roar in his ears or play tricks on him. Because Jason was there, the slow rise and fall of his chest a welcome pressure against his side.
After a while Jason lifted his head and looked back up at Howard quietly, carefully disentangling himself from his embrace; it was his turn to silently hold out his hand and Howard took it, squeezing it tightly. He pretended not to notice how the movement tugged Jason’s sleeve up just enough to expose a blooming bruise across his wrist – later he would ask, but for now it was just enough to feel Jason’s touch again. He leant across to press another kiss to his forehead and Jason smiled slightly, glancing down.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered at last, and Howard gave his hand another squeeze.
“Don’t be. Please don’t be,” Howard told him honestly. “Because that would kill me – I don’t want to see you sorry after all this. I just want to see you ok.” Jason’s lips twitched up and he looked up at Howard from the corner of his eye.
“I can be sorry and ok at the same time, How,” he remarked, his expression almost mischievous, and Howard chuckled softly.
“I’ve always said you’re a man of many talents, Jay,” he replied. Jason laughed and leant against Howard once more, resting his head on his shoulder. For a moment they stayed that way, staring out at the rain. “God I fucking missed you,” Howard breathed into the stillness, and Jason let him hold him close, closing his eyes and squeezing them shut.
“You weren’t alone, How. Neither of us were. It just felt like it for a while,” he whispered and Howard smiled slightly.
“You missed me too?” he said, offering it as a translation more than a question.
“Don’t ask the questions you know the answers to,” Jason told him simply, looking up at him with a slight shrug. “You can ask me anything, Howard. I don’t have any secrets from you anymore.”
“Everything for everything,” Howard murmured and Jason smiled.
“Everything for everything,” he echoed gently. “Even the hard stuff,” he added, looking down.
Howard pressed a kiss to his temple and pulled him closer, taking a second to try and order his thoughts before he asked Jason any of the questions which were burning on his lips.
“How many bruises am I going to have to count?” he asked slowly. Jason’s smile turned wry and he shook his head slightly.
“All the questions, all this time…and that’s the thing you want to know?”
“Humour me.”
“I always do,” Jason told him and Howard smiled softly. “The bruises aren’t bad ones – they look worse than they are.”
“Jay-”
“Don’t, How. You’ll drive yourself crazy. There’s more than you’ll like, ok? But I promise you; I’m fine. I’m ok – I’m ok now, anyway.”
“One is more than I like, Jay.”
“Howard,” Jason said, his tone gentle but firm. “I didn’t walk this far in the rain to drive you insane,” he added and Howard felt a faint frown cross his features.
“You’re so fucking stubborn, you know that?” he said quietly, the corner of his lips curved up despite himself, and Jason smiled back.
“So what does that make you, love?” Howard let out a soft laugh and shook his head, looking back out at the rain. “I love you,” Jason reminded him quietly and he was powerless to the smile that found its way onto his lips at the sound of those words, spoken like a secret and a promise, so soft and so honest.
“But I knew that,” he replied. When he looked back down at Jason he saw he was smiling a knowing yet somehow sad smile, looking up at him thoughtfully. Howard gave him a half-shrug and kissed his forehead tenderly. “I never doubted you,” he told him evenly, hoping to convey how much he meant those words. “I had moments where I doubted myself, but you…I believed in you even when I questioned everything else. That note saved me from losing my mind.”
He could see tears in Jason’s eyes again and he pulled him close, letting him sink against him tiredly. He could feel Jason’s exhaustion now, could feel the weight of it to his bones – funny how his own exhaustion had disappeared almost completely now he had Jason in his arms, though.
“Go on, How; you can ask,” Jason told him quietly, his voice so soft Howard half-wondered if the words had really been said aloud or if he’d somehow just read Jason’s mind. Jason’s eyes were closed but Howard recognized the determined line of his lips. He drew in a deep, steadying breath and turned his focus to the patterns of the rainwater on the glass in front of him, focusing on the way the light danced off the raindrops each time they collided with each other.
“Jay, what the hell happened that night? How did it get us to any of this?”
***
His car keys jangled as he twirled them on his finger, the sound echoing around the entryway as he crossed into it through the glass front doors. It was a cool, crisp night and the entryway was draughty, making him shiver slightly as he crossed the space. He was more than ready for his bed, exhausted but content in the knowledge that the next day Howard would be home. A smile touched his lips at that thought and he stilled – just briefly – letting out a low chuckle to himself and rolling his eyes.
“Pull yourself together, Jay,” he muttered to himself wryly. Howard’s call earlier had somehow put into focus just how much he missed him. There was no pretending with Howard; if he didn’t want to talk he didn’t have to, if he didn’t want to be ok he didn’t need to find a way to be – the total calm of that couldn’t be replicated just by taking some time to be alone, because Howard was the safety net, the reassurance that, if things got too much, there would be someone there who would take control for him who could still be trusted to give that control back when he was ready. Howard wouldn’t ask for anything in return – he knew it was already given. The simplicity of it was beautiful and, even whilst Howard was away, Jason knew he carried the offer with him, could call any time of the day or night and have everything he had given to Howard duly returned.
Sighing slightly to himself, he moved towards the lifts and was about to press the button when a sound from the stairway caught his attention; a frustrated little growled sigh and a sob followed by the shuffling of feet. Jason frowned and followed the noise, cautiously walking towards the stairway and peering around the partition wall to see who was there.
A lone woman was sitting towards the bottom of the stairway, her blonde head bowed and her shoulders hunched; at first Jason didn’t recognize her, but then she lifted her head and stared up at him blearily and suddenly it occurred to him just who she was. “Emily,” he said softly, his voice concerned. The woman stared up at him, a distant look in her wide, round eyes, and so Jason stepped closer, coming to sit next to her on the stairs. “Emily, what are you doing back here, sweet?” he asked carefully, resting a hand on her upper arm and looking intently into her face. She stared at him blankly for a moment before reaching out a hand to touch his cheek.
“But it can’t be,” she whispered, her expression awed, and Jason frowned in confusion.
“It can’t be what?” he asked gently, but Emily simply stared.
He was reluctant to press her to talk to him; he couldn’t imagine what the poor woman had been through in the past weeks. She and her husband had lived in the apartment two floors below his and Howard’s – Jason had never known them well but they had always smiled to him and said hello when their paths had crossed, had even signed for parcels for him a couple of times before. But Emily had moved out recently – her husband was a police officer and he had been killed on duty not long ago. Emily had left just a few days after it had happened, initially being protectively absorbed back into her family, though Jason had heard from neighbours that she had retreated away from them since, disappearing into her own personal cocoon of grief and not letting anyone close enough to try to help. He didn’t imagine her being back at the apartment building, crying alone on the stairway was a good sign and he felt an overwhelming pang of sympathy for her. “Emily, is there somewhere I can take you? Someone you want to be with right now who can look after you?”
“But why would I need looking after?” Emily breathed, a peculiarly distant, watery smile forming on her lips as she looked up at him in wonder. “You’re here now,” she said.
Jason looked at her curiously, trying to judge what to do for the best, but before he could say a word she reached out and grasped his hand determinedly. “Will you come with me?” He wasn’t sure how best to answer; from the look on her face he suspected nothing good would come of him refusing, but allowing a clearly-traumatized woman to run around Salford Quays didn’t seem like a responsible way of doing things either. Before he was able to make up his mind, Emily scrambled to her feet abruptly, suddenly grasping both of her hands around Jason’s and looking at him imploringly. “It’s so late – we should go home,” she said, a frantic edge to her tone, and she dragged Jason to his feet. He stumbled slightly but managed to steady himself against the wall, only just regaining his balance in time for Emily to tug at his arm again, forcing him to follow her down the remaining stairs.
“Emily, slow down; where are you going?” he asked, concerned for her, but Emily simply looked back at him unseeingly, clutching at him a little more tightly. “Emily, what is this about? What are you doing back here? Isn’t there anyone you can go to?” he pressed and Emily frowned at him slightly, suddenly whipping back around and quickening her pace as she pulled him towards the fire door at the back of the entryway.
“Why would we want to go to anyone else? You’re here now – we’re both here,” she insisted, pushing through the door and dragging Jason out behind her.
As the blast of cold air from outside hit him Jason winced, stubbornly standing his ground and grabbing a hold of the door. The action forced Emily into a sudden stop and she whirled round to face him, confused. “What are you doing?!” she demanded, not letting go of his hand. Jason held a little tighter to the door.
“Emily, come back inside, ok? You can wait in my apartment ‘til someone can come and pick you up,” Jason tried, forcing himself to keep his tone even. She stared at him, an outraged sort of confusion marring her pretty face, and he stared back unwaveringly, his eyes bright and concerned. For a moment she seemed to soften and he sighed. “We can just wait on the steps if you’d rather,” he offered. “Just tell me who I should call and we’ll wait inside.” Emily’s grip on him tightened at that.
“No! Just come home! Why don’t you want to come home?” she demanded, and before Jason could react she had tugged so hard on his arm that he stumbled forwards. His other hand caught painfully on the door’s sharp edge and he recoiled from Emily as he felt the metal dig into the skin of his palm, stinging and bitter. He could feel the blood it had drawn, but as he looked down to inspect the damage, Emily wrenched at his arm once again and – already off balance from shooting pain in his hand – he lost his footing, stumbling to the ground. He put his hand out to break his fall, wincing as he felt the grit of the paving beneath him scratch at his injured palm.
Looking up at Emily in confusion, he reached for his phone, but the moment she saw him bring it out she dropped to her knees beside him and tried to grab it away.
“No! No. I’m sorry. Don’t call anyone, please. We can be ok – you’ll be ok,” she insisted, her eyes plaintive, but Jason simply got to his feet, dusting himself down as best he could. She stared up at him from the ground, her expression desperate.
“I have to call someone, Emily. You can’t stay here,” he stated, his tone kind despite everything. But for all his gentle words, Emily refused to be appeased, climbing suddenly to her feet and snatching at the phone, trying to get it away from him. As they struggled, Jason was taken by surprise by her force and he felt himself stagger back, his head thumping against the still-open door. He heard his phone hitting the ground as he fell but couldn’t see where it landed, his focus distracted by Emily coming to his side and whispering by his ear.
“I’m here, Rich,” she said in a cracked voice. “I’m here.” And that was when she spotted his keys – they had fallen from his pocket in the struggle and she seized on them quickly. His head ached badly but he tried to watch her, tried to stay awake; he squinted up at her as she studied the keys with a curious expression on her face that he didn’t quite understand. The last thing he remembered was her pulling him to his feet, still whispering ‘I’m here’ by his ear as she led him away.
When he came round again she was gone and he was alone in a room lit only by moonlight. The bed took up most of the space, but an old chest of drawers lined one wall and an armchair sat beneath the tiny, old-fashioned window. There were two doors – one was open, a small bathroom just visible beyond, whilst the other was closed firmly. He pushed himself up from where he was lying on the bed, taking a moment to get his bearings. The pain of his injured hand still throbbed and he winced slightly, curling it close to his chest. His head was still thumping but he forced himself to his feet, cautiously stepping over to the door and trying it tentatively. The door didn’t budge and he sighed, crumpling slightly and sliding down it, too exhausted to do anything more.
***
Howard wrapped his arms more tightly around Jason, crushing him against him, and he dropped another kiss to his forehead. Jason looked down, drawing in a shaky breath before explaining more and more about Emily and her temper, the way she twisted everything to try and fit the picture she had constructed in her head. He filled in details of days and snatches of conversations, and all Howard could do was listen and try to keep his breathing even, try not to let the thoughts of Jason alone in that room whilst he was out in the world get to him.
“She thought you were him? She never questioned that?” Howard asked after Jason had come to a pause, and Jason tipped his head to one side, considering the question carefully. Howard reached up to brush Jason’s hair out of his face, their eyes meeting briefly.
“I think some part of her always knew. That’s why she focused more and more on you.”
“On me?” Howard frowned, his fingers tracing along Jason’s jawline. Jason leant into his touch, his eyes briefly closing.
“Yes,” he whispered. “She noticed my ring, she heard you on the news…I’d pissed her off by missing you anyway. So she just put all her energy into stopping you. Some twisted logic about how if you gave up on me I’d give up on you, or something like that. I don’t really know for sure – she never really talked about it properly. She was too determined to explain to me how she was going to fix it all, make you stop looking for me for good.”
“That’s why you wrote the note,” Howard breathed, realisation dawning, and Jason nodded sadly, avoiding his gaze. “Hey, look at me,” Howard murmured, touching a finger to Jason’s chin and forcing him to look up into his eyes. “Don’t be sorry, Jay. Please don’t.” He dipped his head and captured Jason’s lips in a slow kiss, and he felt Jason relax a little against him, felt some of his sadness fall away. As they pulled apart Howard rested their foreheads together, brushing the pad of his thumb across Jason’s cheek. “I understood, Jay. You gave me hope despite everything and I don’t want you to be sorry for that.”
“And what about everyone else?”
“They’ll understand. And hopefully let me get in an ‘I told you so’ or two,” Howard replied, a mischievous flash darting across his eyes that Jason noticed immediately.
“Justin?” he guessed and Howard laughed softly, pressing a brief kiss to Jason’s lips.
“Good guess.”
“But-”
“Don’t ask – you don’t want to know.”
“I’m going to ask, you know,” Jason replied, eyes narrowed. “But you get a reprieve for now because I really don’t want to begin thinking about the mess that’s left behind from all this. Not right now, anyway.”
“You and me both,” Howard murmured and Jason rewarded with a fond smile. “There are so many people we ought to phone, Jay,” Howard sighed, tucking a wild strand of Jason’s hair back into place, and Jason reached up and caught his hand, squeezing it tight.
“Police. Mum. Mark and Gary. Everyone.” Jason arched an eyebrow. “You want to bring all that chaos raining down now?”
“God, no,” Howard groaned. “The last thing I want is more rain.” He looked down into Jason’s face, matching his smile with one of his own. “But we can’t just hide here either…I didn’t fight them all just to keep you a secret,” he added and Jason’s smile widened.
“No. You fought because it’s what you do.” Jason’s voice was so tender, and somewhere beneath the words that were said, Howard was able to hear the hidden declaration of love. “You know; every time Emily thought she’d got you beaten, you went and got back up…it’s why she had to let me go in the end. She realised neither one of us knew when we were beaten and that…that kind of love doesn’t tend to just go away.”
“She just let you go?”
“Yes.” Jason closed his eyes, letting himself lean into Howard’s touch once more. “She told me I was a branded man. And I couldn’t exactly disagree.”
***
“…A jury is today expected to come to a verdict in the trial of Liam Matthews, who stands accused of the shooting of Police Sergeant Richard Chappell, which took place earlier this year…”
Jason and Emily had both stilled at the story on the radio, a tension falling on the room as the radio’s news report continued. Emily watched the radio with a stricken expression, and Jason watched her in turn, his brow furrowed slightly.
“You knew,” he murmured at last, surprise edging his tone, and Emily closed her eyes, turning her face away from him as though she realised it had given her away. “You knew it was today – that’s why you’ve not said anything all morning,” Jason pressed, his voice soft but firm. Emily still refused to look at him. “And if you knew about that, that means you know who I am too. That means you know I shouldn’t be here.” Jason was about to force the issue when suddenly the radio caught both his and Emily’s attention once more, their heads both turning in unison as the newsreader moved on to her final report.
“And finally, a memorial service is taking place today for a Salford man who disappeared from his apartment complex three months ago…” Jason closed his eyes and turned away, bringing his hands up to his face and letting out a heavy sigh. The newsreader repeated the now-familiar details of his disappearance back to him and he swallowed down the lump that formed in his throat as he thought of his friends and family and what they must be going through. “…The service comes just weeks after police announced Mr.Orange’s car had been found near to the river, a discovery which prompted members of Mr.Orange’s family to claim his husband – Howard Donald, also of Salford – had been an unreliable witness regarding events leading up Mr.Orange’s disappearance. Mr.Orange’s family could not be reached for comment, but when contacted, Mr.Donald reiterated that he had the upmost faith in his husband and insisted he would continue to hope for his safe return home in the future. That’s it for the local news, now here is Dawn with the traffic…”
Emily stood abruptly and switched the radio off with more force than strictly necessary. She stared at it for a moment, her breathing heavy, and Jason turned to look at her over his shoulder. There were tears in her eyes, her delicate features scrunched up in combination of misery and anger, her lips forming a pained grimace. And slowly she looked over at him, her eyes scanning his face for a moment before she swiped at her falling tears.
“Your eyes are the wrong colour,” she whispered into the edgy silence. Jason frowned, confused, but she simply shook her head slightly, still wiping helplessly at her eyes though the tears didn’t stop. “Your eyes aren’t the same colour as…as Richard’s. But your face…the sound of your laugh. The way you frown; I remembered that.”
“Emily, I don’t-”
“The last time I ever saw him, he was frowning like you frown – frowning at me the way you frown at me, like you don’t know whether to hate me or pity me. Not that he ever hated me. Despaired of me sometimes, maybe. I was always so worried, it drove him mad. He used to point out to me that I knew how much he loved his job when I married him, that it shouldn’t upset me so much now. That’s what we argued about that morning…and then…”
“Emily-”
“I called him. Right before it happened, I called. He told me he’d be home for dinner and I told him to be safe.” Emily swallowed hard but a hiccupped sob still escaped her and she sat down gingerly on the edge of the bed, looking out into the middle distance unseeingly. “The night I found you, I went to walk by the canal…we always used to walk there. Everything was so familiar I almost forgot. When I got to the apartments it was like…it was like none of it had happened. I half-expected him to come jogging down the stairs, whistling to himself like he used to. Tossing his keys up in the air and catching them…God, I hated it when he did that.” She let out a sad, hollow laugh, sniffling slightly and raising her gaze to meet Jason’s. “And then there you were. Frowning at me. Talking in that soft voice. I wanted to see him come down the stairs so badly that I didn’t think to look at the colour of your eyes. I just saw your frown…heard the jangle of your keys in your pocket and thought…”
“Thought I was him,” Jason finished for her quietly. Emily simply nodded.
“When I told you…when I told you that you never get over that kind of love, I meant it. It does get burned into you…you carry it around with you all the time.” She looked into his eyes nervously, offering him a feeble smile. “You’re a branded man, aren’t you,” she whispered. “You’re a branded man but not…not by me. By him…by your ‘Howard’.”
“I mostly just married him to keep him out of trouble, actually,” Jason murmured, a hint of amusement in his smile even as he looked down. Emily laughed brokenly. “You’re right, though; everything I’ve got to give I gave to him a long time ago,” he added in a whisper.
A silence fell between the two of them – the most peaceful one that had ever existed between them in all the time they had been in that room. Emily wiped away her tears and Jason closed his eyes, listening to the sound of the rain on the window and trying not to let himself hope that this was the breakthrough he had been waiting so long for. Usually her moments of clarity were followed by a sudden swell of her anger or despair and he wasn’t sure he could let himself hope again – it was only the thought of Howard, stubbornly still hoping he’d come home, that convinced him to look back over at where Emily sat.
“You should go to the trial. I know it won’t bring him back but…it might give you some peace of mind to know the guy’s going to jail. Seeing you there might even make him realise just what he’s done.”
“And why’s that?”
“Looking at a branded man made you see what you’d done,” Jason pointed out gently and Emily offered him a faint smile that he returned. “We both know you’re a branded woman – it wouldn’t hurt so much if you weren’t.” Emily nodded, looking down for a moment and taking a deep breath. And when she looked back up at Jason she seemed somehow steadier; there were still tears in her eyes, but for the first time since he’d seen her on the stairs that night she actually seemed to see him, see him properly. She seemed to see the colour of his eyes.
He watched her stand slowly and move over to the door, fishing out her keys from her pocket and methodically going through them ‘til she found the one she was looking for, carefully sliding it into the door’s lock. Once she had unlocked it, she carefully turned the door handle before standing aside, turning to face Jason once more, the door open behind her.
“I can’t put him through what I went through…he deserves what I can’t have.” Jason stared at her, shock and hope fighting for dominance.
“Which is?” he ventured carefully and Emily swallowed hard, glancing away and wrapping her arms protectively around herself.
“Which is for you to show up at his door and tell him it’s all over.”
“Emily, if I go – when I go…the police are going to want to-”
“So tell them. I’ve got nothing left to lose; especially if you go too.”
***
Howard rested his chin on the top of Jason’s head, closing his eyes and taking a moment to remember every detail of feeling him in his arms again. He could feel his heartbeat against his own, could feel the warmth of his skin; it was like a rush of oxygen and his whole body felt like it was humming, like every inch of it recognized Jason’s presence and was coming alive with it. The empty spaces of the apartment were suddenly irrelevant, the silence quieted. He held Jason tightly against him and Jason let him – Howard wasn’t sure there had been a second the two of them hadn’t been touching since Jason had first come back through that door.
Howard drew in a deep breath and kissed the top of Jason’s head before resting his chin there once more, feeling Jason curl even more tightly against him.
“I’m starting to think I loved you before I even knew you, Jay,” he uttered so gently that Jason only realised he was speaking from the vibration of his voice against his body. “Coz trying to exist without you didn’t make much sense to me at all. Nothing was any different to how it used to be before you, it all felt exactly the way it used to, worked the way it used to. But it was like drowning at the same time.” Jason leant back slightly, looking up into Howard’s face; he pushed himself up just enough to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth.
“Just breathe, Howard Donald. It’s over.” The sound of his name on Jason’s lips brought a small, awed smile to Howard’s face. The two of them stared into each other’s eyes for a moment, a million words left unsaid but also left un-needed. “No more being afraid,” Jason told him gently and Howard nodded, brushing his knuckles tenderly down the side of Jason’s face.
“Just grab a hold of your hand and keep walking?” he asked, his smile widening when he saw a flare of recognition in Jason’s eyes.
“Go into the dark saying ‘If we go down, we’re going down together’,” he replied, his own lips curving up at the corner. Howard chuckled softly and nodded, capturing Jason’s lips in a kiss before eventually the two of them settled back into silence, Jason’s head tucked, once more, beneath Howard’s chin.
“I really do love you, Jason Orange.”
“I know. And I really do love you too.”
He wasn’t sure how long they sat that way – probably longer than they should have done, given all the calls that ought to be made. They were two of the only people who knew what had happened, who knew Jason was safe; it was selfish to hold Jason this tightly, he supposed. But he’d never pretended to love any other way, and Jason seemed in no more of a mood to let go. He was a fragile thing, Howard knew, and he wanted to take his time to be weak whilst he still could, before he had to pull it together and be strong and defiant for the sake of his family and friends, for the sake of the police. And so, for a little while, they let it be just the two of them, sitting in the shifting grey light of the apartment, curled together on the floor, listening to each other’s breathing and the sound of the rain. It felt so safe, so removed from all the fear and uncertainty that had marred the past few months. Howard ran his hand along the curve of Jason’s spine and listened to the soft sigh he let out in response. These were the sounds of the apartment’s silence that he had missed so much, the little noises and movements which used to fill up this space, flittering out into the air around them once again.
It must have been half an hour before Jason spoke again, shifting his weight just enough to look back up into Howard’s face. Those piercing eyes of his were sharper now, that familiar fight beginning to return as he met Howard’s gaze. “The sooner we call people the sooner we can go back to being just me and you,” he said quietly, and Howard searched his face for a moment, trying to judge just how ready for the chaos Jason really was. But Jason’s stare was unwavering and he smiled slightly. “As long as you stay with me, I’m ready,” he whispered. Howard gave him a returning smile and kissed his forehead.
“I always stay when you ask, Jay.”
***
The next few hours were unimaginably exhausting; Howard thought he had known what it was to have his patience tested in the time Jason had been missing, but it turned out it was almost just as trying to have to deal with police tramping in and out of their home, dragging with them their endless questions and their uncanny ability to expose Jason’s raw wounds without meaning to, just at the moment when Howard had had to leave his side to answer the door or the phone. It wasn’t until Officer Barnes and Officer Mundy arrived that Howard saw – to his delight – the first flash of the real Jason returning: the two liaisons officers were barely done with their opening spiel before Jason let out a heavy sigh and got to his feet announcing ‘Don’t take it personally, but you can talk to Howard – I’m going to be making tea’ and walking away. Howard had shrugged at the two bemused officers and stated ‘So as you can see; Jay’s home’ and Jason had flashed him a smile and a wink over the tops of the officers’ heads. It was only after ominous remarks were made about more statements and details being needed in the coming days that Jason and Howard were able – between them – to persuade the various police officers who had come to litter their home to go away.
That was when the phone calls began; Jason had let out a low groan, closed his eyes and held out his hand, and Howard had handed him the phone with a look of understanding, sitting down by his side in a show of solidarity as the dialling began. Jason’s siblings and parents all needed to be called, counselled and comforted in turn, with Jason simultaneously happy to hear their voices again but longing for them not to come and add to the chaos of the day with their tears and their questions and their uncertain joy. The shock of trying to process him suddenly being there, talking to them and ok, made every conversation almost as stilted as it was emotional, and Howard could see how draining Jason was finding it. He made sure to stay close to him, to remind him he was there; his fingers brushing at his neck, his lips kissing his temple, his body nearby, and Jason smiled at him gratefully, leaning into his side every now and again, closing his eyes and letting his bones become heavy, letting Howard take his weight. Justin and Jenny took the most persuading to leave the full reunion to the next day; Justin seemed to have gone into total shock, his words all but failing him, whilst Jenny’s reaction was the most similar to Howard’s as she murmured comforting things and sought reassurances in return, warning Jason she was going to hug him and not let go the moment she saw him the next day.
When the last of the calls had finally ended, Jason dropped the phone down onto the arm of the sofa before leaning back and smiling up at Howard tiredly. His eyes were still bright, dancing with light even as the room began to become cast in shadows, the sun having dipped down below the skyline. He held out his hand and Howard took it, smiling back at him thoughtfully.
“You ok?” he asked quietly, rubbing his thumb across the back of Jason’s hand.
“Define ok,” Jason shot back, his lips twisting into a wry smile as he let his head fall back against the sofa cushions. “I’m here with you, aren’t I? That seems pretty ok to me.”
“You’re shattered,” Howard pointed out with a fond laugh, and Jason pulled a face.
“I’m fine, stop worrying,” he said, though his eyelids were heavy and he stared up at Howard in a lazy, distant way. But there was still something knowing in that gaze, and Howard could feel him studying his face. There was never any hiding when Jason looked at him that way, so he let him look – if he was honest, it was nice to be seen and known that way again. “What do you need, Howard Donald?” Jason asked slowly, eyes glittering in the shifting light as he edged a little closer along the sofa. His knee bumped Howard’s and Howard looked down with a shy smile, letting out a small laugh – he’d almost forgotten what it was like to be this way, to be so exposed and yet still so safe, to have Jason tease him and challenge him in equal measure, drawing out all his secrets and sins as if they were gorgeous, magical things. Jason had a specific smile for Howard’s secrets; Howard could hear it in his voice even now.
“I don’t need anything, Jay. You’re home again and that’s more than enough,” he murmured, still avoiding Jason’s gaze, but Jason tipped forward and reached out, cupping Howard’s face with his hand and dipping his head to force him to meet his eyes. His lips were still curved into that familiar smile and Howard could do nothing but smile back. “Why do you always have to know?” he asked, amusement and love mingling in his tone, and Jason arched an eyebrow.
“It’s what I do,” he suggested and Howard chuckled. Jason leant forwards and pressed a kiss against his lips. “Now what do you need, How?” he asked firmly. Howard looked down once more – he knew Jason wouldn’t be deterred but he still felt guilty asking anything of him after everything that had happened. He took a deep breath, biting down on his lip.
“I know you’re exhausted…but there’s just one more call I really need you to make,” he admitted softly at last.
He didn’t look up into Jason’s face immediately, but when he did he was surprised to see him smiling still. The moment his eyes met Jason’s, he knew that Jason knew exactly the call it was he was talking about. Slowly – wordlessly – Jason picked up the phone once more, his eyes not leaving Howard’s as he held the phone out towards him.
“Get dialling, Donald,” he told him, eyes sparkling, and Howard’s lips curved up at the corners, the gratitude overwhelming him as he carefully took the phone from Jason’s hand.
“Thank you,” he whispered, but Jason simply gave his arm a squeeze, resting his head on one side as Howard began to key in the number for Vicky’s house.
As he explained things to Vicky as best he could, Howard felt Jason edge a little closer to him, taking his free hand in his own once more and giving it a squeeze – comfort and encouragement in equal measure, he suspected, and he looked up into Jason’s eyes with a grateful smile just as he heard Grace finally being handed the phone.
“Hey, Gracie; I’ve got someone here who’d like to talk to you,” he murmured and Jason’s smile widened briefly as he let go of Howard’s hand in order to take the phone from him, clamping it between his shoulder and his ear before reaching for Howard’s hand once again. Howard simply smiled at him, full of gratitude and wonder, and Jason’s eyes shone back at him knowingly as he finally spoke.
“Hey, kiddo.” Both Howard and Jason chuckled at the excited exclamation which came down the line in reply, and as Jason and Grace talked, Howard lifted Jason’s hand to his lips, pressing a kiss to the back of it before pulling him across sofa and into his arms.
***
Howard looked up from the mugs he’d been drying just in time to see Jason coming back down the corridor, freshly showered and changed. He met Howard’s eyes immediately, offering him a quiet smile as the two came to meet each other by the breakfast bar.
“Feel better for that?” Howard asked softly as Jason wound his arms around him. He cupped Jason’s face in his hand and Jason tipped his lips upwards instinctively, eyes closing as Howard dipped in to steal a lingering kiss.
“Mm, much better now,” Jason whispered against Howard’s lips just before they broke apart, and Howard stroked his thumb along Jason’s jawline.
“Me too,” he replied huskily, his other hand slipping just beneath the hem of Jason’s shirt. His skin was warm and damp and Howard briefly closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against Jason’s as he breathed in the familiar mix of sandalwood and citrus – a scent long gone from the cushions and bed sheets, now so close once more.
Howard felt like all his nerve endings were dancing with static electricity, every time his skin brushed against Jason’s and he felt the taste of his lips against his own; all the exhaustion of that morning was long gone, replaced by a glow, a buzz of barely-contained joy that seemed to emanate from deep within him. And Jason’s eyes were knowing as he looked up into Howard’s face, something dazzling and satisfied about the way they shone up at him. Howard wanted to kiss him, hold him close, lie in the dark with him and dance with him all at once, but he settled for simply breathing him in a moment longer.
“I give it a day before you’re bickering with me again,” Jason told him with a fond kind of mischief that made him smile and Howard kissed his forehead.
“I can’t wait,” he replied honestly, making Jason laugh, smacking him half-heartedly even as he leant against him a little more, his body graceful as it arched into Howard’s touch. “I hope you haven’t forgotten – after all this – that I always win, you know,” Howard added, waggling his eyebrows teasingly as Jason narrowed his eyes, trying to suppress a smile.
“And I hope you haven’t forgotten I find you utterly insufferable when you’re smug.”
“You forgot it when you married me, love.”
“You’re a nightmare, you know that?”
“And apparently you were wrong about it taking us a whole day to start bickering,” Howard grinned, and Jason chuckled softly, burying his face against Howard’s chest and holding him tight. “I always win,” Howard reminded him brightly, laughing when Jason gave him the slightest of shoves, twisting in his embrace to push himself up in Howard’s arms, pulling him in for a fervent kiss that caught Howard off guard.
“Not always,” he murmured against Howard’s lips, his tone sly and tender. Howard felt his heart stutter and he chuckled – low and fond – as he pulled Jason even closer, kissing his forehead before resting his cheek on top of his head.
“You play dirty, Orange,” he sighed contently. He could feel Jason’s laugh as he wound his arms tighter around him.
“You just make it too easy, Donald.”
It was at that moment that the quiet was broken by a sudden, excited rap on the door and both Howard and Jason twisted to look over in the direction of the sound, neither one of them making a move to break their embrace, Jason’s body still pressed close to Howard’s. They waited for a moment in silence, but then another quick rap on the door echoed through the apartment, this one no-nonsense and firm.
“You don’t get rid of us that easy, you pair! Open up!” Gary Barlow’s voice cut through the air and Jason looked up at Howard, one eyebrow quirked, his expression amused but knowing.
“I may have made one more call while you were in the shower,” Howard said slowly and Jason laughed, burying his face into Howard’s chest yet again. “We’ve moved!” Howard called out, laughing himself, and Jason smirked up at him, smacking him lightly on the arm. Howard simply smiled down at him unashamedly and Jason’s grin was bright in return.
“Well that was convincing,” Gary deadpanned, just loud enough to be heard through the door. “Wouldn’t you agree, Marko?”
“Very convincing, Barlow,” Mark put in, his voice also pointedly raised so as to be heard. “Better go home then,” Howard retorted obstinately, and Jason smirked, rolling his eyes and looking up at Howard with mild reprimand mixed up with affection.
“You should probably let them in before they give up and use their spare key,” he said, eyes dancing with amusement still, and Howard smiled.
“They’re closer than family, right?” he guessed.
“Sounds about right,” Jason agreed, reluctantly stepping back from Howard’s hold and giving him a small push in the direction of the door.
The moment Howard opened the door, Mark came barrelling past him, making a beeline for Jason as he appeared at Howard’s side.
“Come ‘ere, Jay – I’m not taking no for an answer!” he announced, arms open for a hug that Jason accepted with a fond laugh.
“Hi, Howard – how are you?” Howard joked dryly as Gary also walked straight past him and went over to wrap Jason into a bear hug the moment Mark let him go.
“You’ll get your turn, let us make a fuss of this beggar first,” Gary beamed, giving Jason one last pat on the back for good measure before stepping back and pulling Howard down for a hug of his own. Mark was beaming from ear to ear, still standing next to Jason, hopping from foot to foot unable to contain his energy.
“We would’ve waited ‘til tomorrow but-”
“But someone is over-excitable,” Gary cut in, glancing at Jason and giving a ‘what can you do with him?’ roll of his eyes that Jason chuckled at. Mark pulled a face.
“As if you took any persuading, Barlow,” he remarked archly, a mischievous smile dancing in his eyes.
“Alright, you pair – before things break out into an argument: Howard, go and put the kettle on, Gaz go and raid the cupboard – Howard hides his biscuits in the bottom left corner of the one closest the toaster coz he thinks I don’t look in there – Marko, come sit down and stop fidgeting.” Howard let out a half-hearted grumble of protest, but Gary simply rubbed his hands together gleefully and moved off to find the biscuits. Jason shot Howard a mischievous look over his shoulder as he followed Mark over to the sofa, and Howard stuck his tongue out in response, unable to hide the affection from his smile.
“When Howard phoned, me and Gaz were on the sofa moping,” Mark said with a bemused little grin as he and Jason flopped down onto the sofa. “We thought we’d been bad mates letting him go home alone after everything this morning,” he explained and Jason smiled at him kindly, resting his head back and shrugging.
“Turns out you did him a favour – since, you know, I clearly would’ve gone knocking on random doors up and down Salford if Howard hadn’t have been home,” he shot back, arching one eyebrow teasingly as Mark reached out to swot at him fondly.
“You know what I mean; I’m glad you came home and that he was home and everything worked out, one way or another, you know?” Mark said with a slight pout, and Jason laughed softly, tipping his head to concede the point.
“Home is definitely good,” he agreed and Mark beamed at him, giving him a bright little nod before glancing briefly over his shoulder at Howard.
“He fought for you, know you,” Mark said in a low voice then, leaning in just slightly, and Jason’s smile turned quiet, his eyes shining knowingly.
“Doesn’t he always?” he asked and Mark inclined his head slightly.
“I suppose,” he conceded, smiling slightly. “He put up a good enough front though, Jay. I hardly noticed just how rough things were ‘til today…” Mark sighed and looked down. “Me and Gaz were the only ones who believed him, who agreed that he was right to still hope.” He risked a glance up at Jason then and found him watching him intently and he shrugged awkwardly underneath the scrutiny. “We were only there to sing a song – a song we wrote for you. But it felt so wrong being there at all.” Mark swallowed, shaking his head slightly and blinking rapidly, trying to clear the thoughts from his mind. He looked back up at Jason and smiled lopsidedly. “I don’t know anyone as stubborn as Howard, though. Except maybe, you know…” Mark trailed off, his eyes turning impish and his smile suddenly bright as he gestured vaguely towards Jason, who laughed softly, arching an eyebrow.
“Except for me?” he asked and Mark grinned.
“You said it not me, though – so that means I’m off the hook, Jay. You can’t hold it against me now,” he teased and Jason rolled his eyes in fond despair.
Gary and Howard appeared with the teas then, setting them down on the coffee table before climbing across to join the others on the sofa, one flopping down either side of Jason. Mark let out a yelp of surprise when Gary dislodged him, but Jason simply sank back against Howard’s side with a smile.
“Jay, mate, can I just say: I’m very glad to have you back,” Gary announced, one arm falling around Jason’s shoulders.
“Me too,” Howard added more quietly, pressing a kiss to the crook of Jason’s neck. And, not to be outdone, Mark climbed across Gary, reaching over to wrap an arm around Jason’s middle, squeezing them all into one large hug that Howard happily added his weight to as well, letting Mark stretch out an arm and stretching his own arm back to fully enclose Jason between all three of them.
“Me three,” Mark announced brightly as the circle closed around Jason, who groaned good-naturedly, though he was smiling all the same. Gary chuckled and Howard grinned.
“We missed you,” he pointed out needlessly, tipping his head to look into Jason’s face a little better. Jason laughed, flicking his gaze between the three of them before letting his head fall back against the sofa, surrendering as he was squashed into the middle of the group hug.
“It’s a shame because I didn’t miss you mad bastards at all.”
***
Howard started awake not long after midnight, his heart lurching immediately into his throat as he realised he was lying alone on the sofa. The room was bathed in a mixture of grey and orange, the raindrops drying on the windows making scattered patterns across the ceiling that seemed to flicker and dim in the half-light. Howard blinked the sleep away from his eyes, blearily pushing himself upright and trying to clear his head – and then he spotted Mark and Gary, crushed together uncomfortably on the armchair, fast asleep, a throw cover tucked around the two of them. Howard felt the calmness wash over him immediately; there was only one person who ever tucked the two of them in when they fell asleep in the living room. He really did come home. Howard smiled bewilderedly to himself, taking a moment to even out his breathing before turning to look around the room; and there he was, sitting on the floor by the windows, crossed legged, a faraway look on his face.
Quietly, Howard got to his feet. He knew Jason knew he was there, but neither one of them broke the silence as Howard carefully sat himself down at Jason’s side. Jason’s eyes stayed on the skyline, a half-smile gracing his lips as Howard leant in briefly, pressing a kiss to his temple before leaning back to study his face. Behind them, Mark muttered something in his sleep, shifting his weight in a way that prompted a soft grumble out of Gary. Outside everything was still; no rain, barely even a breeze. Below the streets were empty and above there was a clear sky – it was the most peace Howard had known there be in weeks.
“I missed this,” Jason whispered into the stillness and Howard tilted his head, his forehead creasing into a slight frown.
“Missed what?” he asked quietly, brushing his fingers lightly against Jason’s neck and smiling when Jason closed his eyes, his spine straightening at his touch and a soft sigh escaping him.
“You coming and finding me late at night…sitting in the dark together whispering,” Jason breathed, his eyes still closed and the corners of his lips curving up. Howard’s own lips twisted into a smile and he ran his fingers lightly across Jason’s skin once more. This time Jason’s eyes fluttered open, meeting his own, and the bright moonlight glinted off them, making them seem a paler, sharper blue than they did in the daylight.
“I missed it too,” Howard murmured. He was sitting the opposite way to Jason, his back to the windows, his body turned towards him; they were two perfect opposites, fitting around each other seamlessly, leaving behind no empty space. Howard leaned in and captured Jason’s lips in a kiss.
When they broke apart, their eyes stayed trained on each other. Jason twisted himself slightly, resting his elbows on his knees; the shift brought their faces a little closer than before, close enough for him to see the flecks of silver in Howard’s intense blue eyes.
“So tell me; how bad are things between you and my family, exactly?” Howard was surprised by the question, but he supposed he shouldn’t have been – Jason wasn’t one to let secrets rest, and the two of them kept very little from each other. There had been times, earlier in their relationship, when Jason had asked him not to question, just to be there – but those days were long gone, an unconditional surrender having since been made by both of them. It was always an odd contradiction; the conditions they had set in place that somehow made sense of an impossible, unpredictable and boundless love. Howard sighed heavily and looked away from Jason’s gaze, offering him a smile that he knew wouldn’t convince. Still, he felt he had to try.
“Jay, it doesn’t matter – everyone’s been on edge, but it’s over now and everything has worked out for the best.”
“Howard, it’s me you’re talking to,” Jason warned him. “If you wanted someone who was going to be placated with half-truths and niceties then I don’t think you should have married me.” Howard looked up, sensing the love behind the sternness and seeing it just as clearly in Jason’s face. Silently Jason held out his hand, and when Howard didn’t take it immediately he waggled his fingers by way of invitation, narrowing his eyes almost playfully. Howard sighed, a small smile on his lips despite himself, and he reluctantly thrust his hand towards Jason, letting him lace together their fingers and clasp his free hand around their joined ones. “Mum was cagey on the phone. And Justin…you know, I love my twin, most of the time, but for someone who got into so much trouble as a kid? He is terrible at lying. That’s why he always needed me to bail him out, I suppose.” Jason rolled his eyes with fond amusement before his gaze settled back on Howard once more, growing intense and thoughtful again as he looked into Howard’s eyes. “I know they’re a nightmare, Howard. And between the radio and mum and Mark and Gary, I know enough to know things aren’t ok. But I can’t put them right if I don’t know everything.” Howard closed his eyes and nodded reluctantly, grateful to feel Jason squeeze his hand tight.
“They just wanted someone to blame, Jay,” he whispered. There was a pause and he opened his eyes, looking over at Jason anxiously, not wanting him to have to deal with this on top of everything else but knowing he wouldn’t take silence as an answer. “Justin thought we fought too much. And your dad worked out that I would’ve had enough time to get back here and fight with you before I reported you missing.” Howard shrugged lamely. “I don’t know, I think they just needed someone to be angry at. All those unanswered questions about what happened and why…and me being a stubborn git, insisting you wouldn’t just run away…”
“That doesn’t make it right, How,” Jason told him gently, leaning a little closer and dipping his head in order to meet his gaze. “I’ll set them right tomorrow, ok? But I need you to promise me something.”
“Anything.”
“Next time they give you grief, don’t let them get in your head. I love my family but…there’s plenty of things they don’t know about me. But you do know, How. And you kept me going through the rain by being a stubborn so-and-so; I’d never forgive you if you changed.” Howard chuckled softly and leant across to press a kiss to Jason’s forehead.
“Deal,” he said against Jason’s skin, and Jason squeezed his hand again.
As the quiet of the darkness settled around them once more, Jason edged himself closer to Howard, finally letting go of his hand but still looking at him intently.
“Howard, you keep asking if I’m ok; I’m ok now. But are you ok? And I mean it; no lies, no being strong – it’s just you and me here. You can tell me.” Howard swallowed, looking up at the ceiling, and Jason edged even closer then, placing his hands either side of his face and forcing him to look at him. “Howard Donald, you threw yourself in with me a long time ago; it’s too late to start pretending now,” he said, his tone firm but still somehow calm and gentle. Irresistible. Howard looked at him, studied the way the moonlight lit the sharp angles of his face; that handsome jawline, the slight smile lines and the faint curve of his cheeks. In the easy quiet of the apartment past midnight everything seemed simple suddenly and Howard let out a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding.
“If you ever turn away, if you ever change your mind, if the road ahead becomes too hard to climb, if there's something in your heart that tells you to stop; oh, to hold you close tonight, I’d wait for life.” Howard whispered the words like the promise he now realised they had been – Jason hadn’t been the only one whispering oaths to the raindrops, he supposed. Jason was frowning at him slightly, though there was a curve to his lips that was almost a smile. His hands had fallen from Howard’s face now, resting on his knee instead; the two of them were almost tangled together on the floor now, they were so close, and Howard could count all the colours of Jason’s eyes. “I’m ok, Jay. Right now, I’m ok. I swear.”
For a minute Jason watched him, his eyes scanning his face carefully, thoughtfully. And Howard looked back in silence, letting him see everything, not wanting to resist the glorious familiarity of this brand of honestly. And then, slowly – silently – Jason got to his feet, holding out his hands to Howard. Howard let himself be pulled up too – understanding and grateful as Jason led him off down the corridor and towards their bedroom. He followed Jason quietly, their hands still joined as he let him tug him gently down onto their bed. Still without uttering a word, Jason climbed onto the bed beside him, lying himself down and looking up at Howard expectantly. Howard felt a smile colour his lips and he carefully clambered across, lying himself beside Jason and resting his head just behind his on the pillow, his arms closing round him at once.
“Stay,” Jason whispered as Howard pressed a kiss to the nape of his neck and Howard’s smile widened at the word. He held Jason even closer, closing his eyes and enjoying the feel of his warm skin pressed against him, the scent of his shampoo and the sound of his breathing. He found Jason’s hand with his own, clasping it tight and pulling it up to his lips. He pressed a kiss to the back of it then sank back against the pillows as he felt Jason relax against him, his eyes fluttering closed.
“Always,” he whispered in reply.
***
Howard could hardly believe how easily the two of them fell back into place in the days that followed. For all the upheaval and mess that still remained, the two of them were quick to find their step amidst well-worn patterns, familiar rhythms that Howard was sure had been set for them since the first day they met, easy to find and follow once again. Sometimes he felt like they were still both two dancers from Manchester, following old choreography with a casual grace that made them seem in sync, even when they stood on opposite sides of the room. And if they were still just two dancers, then Howard knew why he was still so in awe of Jason; his grace had always fascinated him, the way every movement he made somehow became rhythmic and elegant. Two weeks on from lying with him in the dark and finally Jason’s light was back to its brightest now; Howard watched him from the archway with a smile on his lips.
“Marko, you wouldn’t happen to know why there are three boxes of grades one to three violin exercise books sitting in the Pop and Rock section would you?” Jason’s voice was wry and amused as he stood, lifting one of the boxes in question and looking pointedly at Mark, who stood behind him, his face the picture of innocence but a mischievous gleam in his eyes.
“Do you know how many of your shifts I’ve covered? And this is all the thanks I get in return!” Mark grinned impishly and Jason pulled a face at him, pretending to aim a kick in his direction before spinning on his heel and heading for the shop counter to dump the offending songbooks to await sorting. And when he turned back around, he finally spotted Howard and his companion, his eyes lighting up instantly as he looked between the two of them, winking at Howard before focusing the full force of his smile on the girl standing, bouncing at Howard’s side.
“JAY!” Grace Donald had bolted from her father’s side in a flash, and Jason laughed brightly as she hurtled towards him, catching her artfully in his arms as she flung herself forwards. He lifted her up, squeezing her tightly, his eyes meeting Howard’s over her shoulder.
“Hey, kiddo – since when did I become your favourite person?!” he chuckled and Howard shook his head fondly.
“Since always, I think you’ll find” he pointed out, nodding a hello to Mark, who was watching the scene unfold with amusement.
“You could at least pretend I stood a chance of ranking first, you know,” Mark pouted playfully.
“Marko – even I don’t stand a chance against Jay,” Howard shot back, watching Jason lift Grace up into a tight hug, eyes shining with genuine affection.
“I seem to remember ranking behind at least three other people, actually,” Jason countered, meeting Howard’s gaze and flashing him a quick, knowing grin. “Back in the good old days I ranked behind several stuffed animals and even one or two of the penguins at the zoo,” he added, setting Grace back down on the floor and letting her wrap her arms around his waist. His arm slipped around her shoulders easily and he looked down at her, eyebrows raised in query as he looked for confirmation.
“I don’t care if it makes all the penguins at the zoo cry, I still missed you,” she told him fiercely, burying her face in his side. Jason chuckled slightly and nodded, giving her a squeeze back.
“If you say so, sweetheart, I won’t argue,” he told her. Despite several phone conversations, it was the first time Grace had actually seen Jason since he had returned and Howard had had to try to help her contain her excitement all morning whilst he ran errands with her in the passenger seat, complaining and babbling ceaselessly until he agreed to stop by the shop early.
“Aw,” Mark smiled as he watched the two of them, glancing at Howard who couldn’t hide the sappy grin from his own lips.
“Dad says I can stay up late and come to dinner with all of you tonight. But he says you have to say it’s ok – so is it ok, Jay?” Grace asked suddenly, looking up at Jason with wide, hopeful eyes and making him laugh.
“Of course it’s ok, Gracie. Although you will have to put up with Gary Barlow in full Simon Says Mode,” Jason warned, and Grace’s face almost fell – she seemed to consider the thought for a moment before shaking her head defiantly.
“I still don’t care,” she declared after a beat, squeezing Jason tight once again, her whole face suddenly alive with joy. He ran his hand down her hair, tucking it behind her ear before brushing his fingers affectionately against her cheek and her smile widened, dimples forming in her cheeks as she looked up at him happily.
“You’re sweet, Gracie, you know that?” he smiled down at her with a wink, and Grace positively glowed at the attention. Howard watched the scene silently, eyes shining with a mixture of pride and wonder at the two of them, still so close even after everything. And then he processed what Jason had said before and he blinked and refocused, looking up at Jason with a sudden, confused frown.
“Wait, what happened to set The Barlow off?” he queried, intrigued, and at this point Mark took up the narrative, mischievous glee lighting up his face.
“A big wedding booking for next weekend. Song requests, plus our usual set. Gaz is trying to draw up a sample set-list and hasn’t come up for air since the call came.” Mark and Jason exchanged amused glances.
“We’re calling a band-meeting-slash-Barlow-Intervention for Monday morning – if you think you can make it out of bed, love,” Jason told Howard with a teasing smile.
“If it’ll stop Gaz putting together a show that’s entirely his lead vocals, I’ll be there,” Howard replied with an unapologetic grin. “But right now, I’m more concerned about dinner tonight; he does know that it’s our anniversary, right? And that he’s not allowed to go insane when we’ve already agreed to sacrifice our precious time together to let him and Mark join our plans,” he added leadingly, pushing himself off the archway and crossing over to where Jason and Grace were leaning against the shop’s counter. “Also: isn’t this the point where you say ‘happy anniversary’ since you left the apartment without a single word to me this morning?” he added, arching an eyebrow, and Jason looked back at him, eyes dancing in challenge.
“I left you a note to tell you where your breakfast was. And anyway; I told you plenty about our anniversary just after midnight, if I remember rightly,” he countered, drawing a laugh out of Howard as he cupped his cheek in his hand.
“Oh is that so?”
“It is so so – don’t even pretend you don’t remember; I know your game and I’m not going to play. Now hands by your sides, Donald – Grace, Barlow and Mark Owen are all in the building and I would like us to at least get as far as dinner before they all decide they’re bored of me again.”
“I won’t ever get bored of you, I promise,” Grace declared vehemently.
“Me neither,” Mark grinned. Jason looked up into Howard eyes, raising his eyebrows expectantly.
“And what about you, Howard Donald? You going to get tired of me any time soon?” he queried, lips twisting into an amused smile. Howard simply leant in and pressed a chaste kiss against his lips.
“That would be a ‘never’, Jason Orange,” he murmured in reply.
Epilogue
Gary looked up from the sheet music he had been organizing and let out a sigh, smiling wryly at the sight that greeted him and putting his hands on his hips: on the steps up to the stage, Jason and Howard were sitting side by side, Howard playing with his drumsticks as Jason playfully tried to make a grab for them, the two of them tangled together, pushing and kicking each other harmlessly as they wrestled for control, both laughing mischievously, oblivious to the rest of the world. As Gary watched, Jason finally managed to get a hold of the sticks, distracting Howard from the fight entirely by pressing a sudden kiss to his lips. The two of them began to melt together, lost in the kiss, and Gary rolled his eyes despairingly.
“Remind me again why we let Howard join the band?” he remarked pointedly, his voice causing Jason and Howard to break apart, turning to look up at him with matching, unashamed grins.
“Oh, leave ‘em alone, Barlow,” Mark smiled, closing his guitar case and coming to stand with Gary by the piano. “Was only a few weeks ago we would have sold our souls for this,” he added more quietly as Jason and Howard resumed their play fighting, prompted by Howard re-pinching the drumsticks from Jason’s grip.
“For two five year olds not prepared to help with packing up?” Gary asked lightly, eyebrows raised, and Mark smacked him playfully. Gary flashed him a knowing smile and wrapped an arm around his waist, kissing the side of his face even before looking back at Howard and Jason thoughtfully. “No. I know; and you’re right. It felt good having all four of us back up on a stage.”
“Here here,” Mark agreed softly, laughing as Jason won the drumsticks back once more, standing sharply and almost sending Howard flying. Proud with his work, Jason simply grinned mischievously down at his husband, giving a carefree shrug at Howard’s narrowed-eyed gaze before coming over to stand with Mark and Gary.
“And he says he always wins,” he remarked with airy sigh, laughing as Howard came up behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist.
“Doesn’t count as a victory; I let you win so I could get my kiss,” Howard said, kissing Jason’s temple with a grin and holding onto him even tighter as he elbowed him in the ribs.
“You two are insufferable,” Gary remarked, watching Howard kiss the crook of Jason’s neck as Jason finally stilled and leant back against him contentedly. His eyes were all amusement as he shrugged at Gary, shameless and happy.
“You’re not the first person to say that, Gaz,” he remarked offhandedly, and Howard chuckled.
“Not even the first person to say that today,” he put in, a certain devilish pride sparkling in his eyes, and Gary couldn’t help but smile.
“Heaven help this band if we can’t even pack away without it descending into public displays of affection,” he said with good-natured annoyance, and Mark elbowed him in his ribs.
“Lighten up, Barlow; how can you write all those ballads and yet have a zero-tolerance policy on romance?” he asked.
“He’s always been the same, Marko. All work and no play,” Jason said archly, eyes twinkling at Gary teasingly.
The room was mostly abandoned now; a few wedding guests still milled around at the tables, but most had moved into the hotel’s ballroom to enjoy the delights of the all-night disco. Having played a full set and taken requests here and there, their job was done for the day and really, Gary couldn’t come up with an excuse for keeping things professional at this point. He was about to concede the point and admit defeat when a voice cut in.
“Excuse me – you four were the band from earlier, right?” The four men turned in unison – Jason staying in Howard’s arms but Gary instinctively taking a step forwards, his natural predisposition for being the leader kicking in. The man who had spoken was standing just in front of the stage, looking up at them curiously; he had a friendly face but his eyes held a beady glint that suggested a certain astuteness and Gary was sure he recognised him.
“That’s us,” he said slowly, his brow furrowing at he studied the man. “If you don’t mind me asking…do I know you from somewhere?”
“Depends how many of the local music scene magazines you read,” the man replied with a soft, self-deprecating laugh. “My name’s Jonathan, Jonathan Wild. I’m actually in the band management game, for my sins.”
“No,” Mark breathed, his face suddenly coming alive with recognition as he stepped up beside Gary excitedly. “I just read about your involvement with getting that local band signed last year…Gaz, you know the thing I mean; indie lot, very artsy.”
“So you do read the local music magazines then,” Jonathan smiled.
“Gaz gets through music magazines the same way most of us use oxygen,” Jason put in with a smile, elbowing Howard pointedly as he kissed the crook of his neck. Howard looked up instantly, pulling a face.
“Oh what, if he’s going to manage us he should get used to it,” Howard whispered by Jason’s ear, getting another elbow in his ribs for the trouble but still grinning unashamed.
“So you’re here for the wedding rather than us, I’m guessing,” Gary said, pressing on and flashing only the briefest of glares in Howard and Jason’s direction.
“You’re guessing right. But I heard the songs you played between the service and the wedding breakfast – something tells me that stuff was all your own?” Jonathan asked, his smile still present but something serious creeping into his tone that had Gary on alert, his heart beating somewhat erratically in his chest.
“Written between the four of us – did you enjoy it?” Mark piped up and Jonathan’s smile widened.
“I was intrigued enough to come over. What are you called?”
“Four Men And A Dusty Piano,” Gary told him. “It’s a mouthful but we thought it summed things up,” he explained with a sheepish grin and Jonathan chuckled.
“Ok. So…did you play everything you have earlier or do you think I could hear something else? Just to maybe get a feel for something less upbeat and wedding-friendly?” he asked, raising his eyebrows in enquiry.
Mark and Gary glanced at each other, silent communication bouncing back between the two of them before they slowly, cautiously turned to look at Howard and Jason. The other two men were watching them, suspicious and confused, but slowly realisation seemed to dawn for Howard, who stilled, straightening slowly and shaking his head.
“Oh no, think of something else,” he murmured. Jason frowned and looked between Howard, Mark and Gary thoughtfully.
“Ok, what am I missing?” Jason asked.
“There’s only one other song we’ve got that fits that brief and is rehearsed well enough for performance…or at least…we’ve rehearsed it for performance as a three,” Mark said awkwardly, looking down. Recognition flitted across Jason’s face then and he nodded slowly.
“Ok,” he said, soft and decisive, before turning his gaze to Gary. “Gaz, you get me the notes on the harmony – I know the lyrics but I have no clue how that part goes. Mark, set the mics back up again.”
“But Jay-” Mark began but Jason flashed him a smile.
“Do it – I’ll work on this one,” he said gently, glancing up at Howard and catching hold of his hand. “Stand next to me, keep me in your eyeline: you’ll be fine.” He brought Howard’s hand up to his lips and kissed it, seeing the uncertainty still in his face. “It’s about hope, Howard. It’d be daft for you to lose hope now when you held onto it through all the rain.” Howard looked at him quietly, love and heartbreak in his eyes. He glanced at where Jonathan was now talking with Mark as he set up the mics, then over to Gary who was digging through his many notes. And then finally he looked back down at Jason, cupping his face in his hand and pressing a lingering kiss to his forehead.
“Ok,” he whispered into Jason’s skin, letting out a heavy, anxious sigh. Gary looked up then and Jason gave him a small nod.
“Let’s go,” he said calmly, holding out his hand for the notes on the harmony and taking them with a small smile. “Come on, How,” he added, pulling Howard gently away towards the microphones.
Howard was surprised at how easy it was at first – with one eye on Jason even as they sang, it was a little easier to focus on the upshot of everything that had happened, to think of sitting with Jason in the dark the night he first returned rather than lying in bed on his own the night he first disappeared. And Jason looked over at him every now and then, opening his eyes from his usual determined focus in order to meet Howard’s gaze and offer him the odd understanding smile. It was almost peaceful. That was until that lyric came: the one that should have brought the most hope of all but now served as a visceral reminder of all the pain. And suddenly all those emotions he’d kept inside at the time came surging forwards as Gary continued to sing.
“If I close my eyes,
I'll dream a little deeper baby.
'Cause you are always on my mind,
Yeah you are always on my mind,
For life.”
Howard closed his eyes and took a step back from his microphone, moving around the back of the stage and quickly disappearing from the room. Gary continued to play, looking over at Jason in concern, but Jason simply gave him a nod of encouragement before casting a glance at a worried-looking Mark.
“Stay with Gaz, talk to Jonathan – don’t worry about Howard; I’ll go and find him…he’ll be back before you know it, I promise,” he whispered, giving Mark’s shoulder a brief squeeze and flashing Jonathan a polite smile before disappearing in the direction Howard had gone.
He found Howard standing outside, leaning against the wall, his eyes closed and a pained, almost frightened expression on his face. Jason crossed over to join him quietly, coming to lean next to him. He didn’t touch him, made no move to speak; he stood and watched him as he fought to steady his breathing, compassion in his eyes and reassurance in his silent, unwavering presence. Eventually Howard opened his eyes again, staring up at the blue sky above – his expression was still strained, but he seemed a little calmer, and silently Jason edged closer so that their shoulders brushed. Howard looked down at him and Jason offered him a small, understanding smile, holding out his hand. Howard took it wordlessly, grateful when Jason gave his hand a firm squeeze. A single tear escaped then. He could feel it rolling down his cheek but he made no move to brush it away; he could feel Jason’s eyes on his face as he cried but he couldn’t bring himself to want to hide, a part of him suspecting Jason had been waiting for this moment for weeks.
“Now you cry?” Jason asked him quietly, touching a gentle hand to his cheek and wiping away a tear with the pad of his thumb. Howard sniffed, chuckling slightly, and he looked down at the ground with a sigh.
“No tears, just raindrops – that was supposed to be my rule,” he murmured back, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. Jason nodded slowly, coming to stand in front of Howard and cupping his face in both his hands, looking up into his eyes intently.
“Ok,” he said simply, reaching up to press a kiss to his lips. “No tears. Just raindrops,” he agreed, ignoring the sunlight they were bathed in and the picturesque blue skies above their heads. Howard smiled dimly and Jason looked up at him with a calmness that soothed him. “You know, you came out of nowhere one day, Howard Donald, and no one has ever made me feel more frightened or more safe ever since – because you challenged me, in every way. And changed me, for good.” Jason brushed away another falling tear, his smile tender. “So maybe this love left its mark on both of us. Permanent, indelible – something that doesn’t go just because one of us leaves the room for a while. Good, bad, crazy, a mess – whatever you call it, it’s ours to keep no matter what else happens.” He shrugged. “So you want my honest opinion, love? It’s that you’ll survive. And you would’ve survived alone and so would I. But lucky for us we don’t have to – we already did the falling apart; now it’s time to put the pieces back together, maybe even reclaim the rain for our own.” Jason’s lips were still curved up but his eyes were determined and bright as he looked up at Howard for a moment. “Sound like a challenge, love?” he asked softly and Howard let out a small, warm laugh that was as relieved as it was amused. If he’d ever been more in love with Jason than in that moment he couldn’t remember it.
“Challenge accepted: over and over, forever and always, again and again, Jay,” Howard murmured, cupping Jason’s cheek in his hand and drawing him in for a kiss.
The peace was broken moments later by the sound of someone clearing their throat, and Howard and Jason laughed against each other’s lips, turning their heads to see Mark and Gary had emerged from inside. Gary arched an eyebrow but Mark simply smiled, swotting Gary’s arm affectionately.
“So how did it go in there?” Jason asked, leaning against Howard and letting him wrap his arms around him, pulling him close as he tried to recover himself.
“Oh, now you care,” Gary muttered in a show of irritation, rolling his eyes but not bothering to hide his smile. Mark smacked him lightly and flashed Jason a wry grin.
“He loves you both really,” he remarked playfully.
“I do, actually – not least because your vocal and lyrical stylings may well have just found us a manager,” Gary agreed and Jason and Howard raised their eyebrows, impressed.
“Oh really?” Jason smiled, leaning back against Howard, who kissed his temple affectionately.
“You really believe this is going to happen, Barlow?” Howard remarked, scepticism and hope warring for dominance, and Mark and Gary exchanged an excited glance.
“I really do,” Gary beamed.
“Jonathan said he’s coming to see us at our next performance – but he does have one condition, though; we have to promise him he’s not going to get stuck in some sort of bizarre Abba-type situation with the four of us,” Mark added with a chuckle.
“So you pair think you can hold off on those divorce plans for a while?” Gary joked.
“It’ll be a struggle but I think we’ll cope,” Howard murmured, kissing the side of Jason’s face and then resting his chin on his shoulder. “I couldn’t get rid of this one even if I had a mind to try.” He tipped his head and caught Jason’s eye, flashing him a knowing smile. “Stubborn bastard, you know.” He squeezed him close. “And he always keeps his promises.”