Lie Me Down
Jason
jogged briskly down the apartment stairs, glancing at his watch as he slung his
satchel across his body. He was relieved to note that, despite his
later-than-planned departure, he was still in good time. In fact, he thought
with a smile, he could probably make it to the pub with a good ten minutes to
spare before his boyfriend arrived – because, God love him, Howard Donald never
arrived for anything at the time he was supposed to. It was self-indulgent,
Jason knew, but he still let his smile linger on his lips a little longer,
letting his mind dwell on thoughts of Howard and the relationship they had been
building for themselves since he had first set foot into Barlow's Music Shop.
The funny thing was, Jason had never needed company; he loved to surround
himself with friends and family, revelled in the bond of team spirit between
himself and his friends at Barlow's, but all the same, he was equally content
to sit quietly on his own, turning over a thousand thoughts in his mind and
enjoying the peace. He could disappear into his own head for hours and not be
bored. But since he'd met Howard Donald, there was some small part of him which
was constantly craving his company – not necessarily for conversation or kisses,
but simply for his presence, the feel of his body next to Jason's own. And when
Howard went away for work, Jason was forced to confront that part of him, to
accept that something in him had been changed by this man and that he missed
him like he had missed no one else before in his life. Of course, this last
trip was only two weeks away – some job in Turkey that, as far as Jason could
tell, was more highly demanding than it was paid – and yet Jason had found
himself thinking about it every day. Especially the days when Howard hadn’t
been able to call, those were the worst days. Those days had been so bad that
Jason had found himself bored; the shock on Gary’s face when Jason said he was
bored told the story of how rare an occurrence that was, and consequently Jason
had thought better of telling any of his siblings for fear of mockery and
jealousy breaking out in equal measure.
Still turning the thoughts of his and Howard's impending reunion over in his mind, Jason didn’t think to look if anyone was waiting by the lifts as he hurried around the corner from the stairs, and he only remembered that other people ever graced the entranceway when he was already crashing into someone else’s path. They thudded into him and he immediately launched into his apology, hardly thinking to look the person in the eye as he grabbed their shoulders firmly and tried to examine them for any injury.
“Oh God, I’m so sorry I-” he began and then he quickly closed his mouth as he finally took in the other person’s face. To his surprise, Mark Owen was looking up at him, bleary-eyed from what Jason could only think to be tears, although Mark didn’t seem to be crying any longer.
“Hiya, Jay – I was just on my way up to see you.” Jason’s lips quirked into a wry smile – who else would Mark have been coming to meet in his apartment building, he thought. Mark half-heartedly matched his smile, seeming to read his thoughts, and he pulled a face, quickly looking away. “Look, I’ll be honest, Jay; me and Gary were just...oh I don’t know, everything just got really fucked up and I don’t even know where to...” Mark was rambling softly, his voice croaking, and Jason’s blue eyes studied him with concern. His grip on Mark’s shoulders softened slightly and he bent his head to try and meet his eyes. The height difference worked to Mark’s advantage, however, and he found it easy to duck away from Jason’s all-seeing gaze.
“Ok, alright, shush your sniffling,” Jason said gently, “Come on, let’s get you up to my place and you can explain how you ended up here, ok?” he offered with a sigh. Mark pulled a face.
“Do we have to talk about it? Coz you know, Jay, I’m more than ok if we don’t.”
“Well that depends: do you want me to make you some hot chocolate and give you a pillow to hug? Or do you want me to carry on walking and leave you here whilst I go and meet my erstwhile boyfriend?” Jason smiled. His voice was somehow tender and stern all at once and it caught Mark’s attention.
“Wait – is today the day Howard gets back?” Jason nodded, amused, and Mark flashed him a brief, tiny grin. “Sorry, Jay,” he said earnestly and Jason chuckled slightly.
“It’s ok. I’m pretty sure he was going to be late meeting me anyway. His flight landed at ten and he was still texting me at two,” he shrugged and Mark nodded, biting his lip sheepishly and looking at Jason out of the corner of his eye.
“So…can I stay with you the night too, Jay?” he tried and Jason tried to suppress his smile, shaking his head and taking a deep breath.
“We’ll see,” he said, bumping his shoulder against Mark’s with a smirk. “Come on, the lift takes forever in this place so we’re going to have to take the stairs,” he added, and Mark simply nodded, following behind Jason quietly.
As he made Mark’s hot chocolate, Jason took a wary glance at the clock. Even on Howard Time he was going to be late. If he left at all, of course. As the kettle boiled he leant heavily on his kitchen counter and sighed, closing his eyes briefly before glancing over at Mark. No part of his conscience would allow him to leave before he at least knew what was wrong. And, if he was really honest with himself? He wouldn’t be able to enjoy seeing Howard again properly if he knew Mark needed him – after all, it had to be a pretty serious problem to get Mark this worked up. He chewed on his lip a moment, looking at his mobile and assessing his options. The one thing he knew for sure was that Howard craved his company just as much as he craved Howard’s, and he was pretty sure Howard owed him on the Rearranging Plans front – persuading Howard to come to him would be so easy he probably didn’t even need to say the words, willpower alone might just be enough. Smiling to himself, Jason rolled his eyes, grateful that Mark wasn’t paying attention to the daft smile that had settled on his lips as he made the decision to call Howard. Swiftly, he grabbed up his phone from where he had discarded it on the breakfast bar, hitting Howard’s speed-dial before trapping the phone between his ear and his shoulder.
“Hello?” a sleepy voice came down the line and Jason couldn’t help but let out a soft, affectionate laugh. There was no way that that was the voice of a man who was up and running for the day, looking eagerly around Manchester for his date. Biting down his smile, Jason put down the mug he was holding and took the phone in his hand, focusing his full attention on teasing his three-quarters-asleep boyfriend.
“What time do you call this, Mister DJ?” he smiled, enjoying the sound of rustling sheets and muffled grunts as Howard rolled himself across his pillows and no doubt squinted to look at the time on his phone.
“I don’t know. Early. Why?” There was a yawn and more rustling and Jason shook his head in fond exasperation. “Wait, what time-JAY!” The rustles became more urgent as Howard’s brain finally caught up to him “Shit, I’m so sorry, Jay. I can be out at dressed in ten minutes if you want?” Howard’s voice was part-mumble, part-groan and Jason couldn’t help his grin.
“Well you needn’t worry,” he laughed. “There’s been a change of plans,” he added gently, his eyes shining slightly. He was touched that Howard actually cared that he was late – he never cared when he was late for anyone else.
“You’re not standing me up are you, Mr.Orange?!” Howard asked him with slightly over-acted outrage.
“No more than you were me!” Jason teased back.
“I was not standing anyone up, I was just...running late,” Howard protested through a yawn, making Jason laugh as he shifted the phone to his other ear and leant back against the counter.
“You weren’t standing me up coz you were too busy lying yourself down more like,” he retorted and Howard let out a soft groan of protest.
“I wouldn’t mind lying you down,” he muttered after a beat and Jason smothered another smile at Howard’s shamelessness.
“You sleep through our big reunion and then make dodgy double entendres at me down the phone? You’re lucky I’m not phoning to dump you, absentee boyfriend of mine,” he teased, brightly, not even trying to hide the affection from his voice.
“You’d think the dodgy double entendres wouldn’t work, but I actually know, for a fact, that they do. You can’t even pretend with me, Orange, I’m onto you,” Howard assured him, his grin practically audible down the line. Jason narrowed his eyes, pursing his lips and trying to hide his laughter from his voice.
“Oh really? What makes you so sure?” he asked and Howard laughed a sleep-rough laugh that warmed Jason to his bones.
“Because you just told me you weren’t phoning to dump me,” he replied, unable to hide his pride in his small victory. Jason couldn’t help but smirk.
“Cheeky,” he remarked.
“Genius more like,” Howard countered.
“Hmm. Well, either way you owe me,” Jason told him after a beat, glancing guiltily over at where Mark was huddling on his sofa.
“I owe you? How do you figure that when you’re standing me up?” Howard joked.
“You owe me because I’m going to let you lie me down later – despite the fact you’re a sleazy lazy bones who forgot about our date,” Jason smirked, and he could almost hear the glint in Howard’s eyes as he said the words.
“Ok, I’m listening,” he agreed, the sound of him thudding back down against the pillows furthering Jason’s amusement..
“I’m still stuck at my place – Mark turned up on my doorstep and he’s in a right state, I can’t just leave him here like this. Do you think you could come round? I need someone to look after him whilst I hunt Gary down,” Jason explained.
“I could hunt Gaz down for you on my way over if you want?” Howard offered and Jason noticed the concern that slipped into his voice as he spoke.
“Thanks for the offer – I’d take you up on it normally but I still don’t actually know what’s happened yet and...well, I’m going out on a limb here and saying he’s behaving like an idiot and needs someone to whack him round the head. Trust me, it wouldn’t be the first time – I had it down to an art form at one stage.” Howard chuckled and Jason smiled. “Anyway, I’ll see you in...how many minutes will it take you to get over here do you think?” Jason asked, and Howard thought a moment.
“You know, I’ve waited two weeks to say this to you; see you in fifteen minutes, traffic allowing,” he said softly and Jason smiled.
“Thanks, Howard,” he replied quietly.
“Pleasure’s all mine, Jay. Seriously. See you in a bit.”
“Love you,” Jason told him and, although he could hear Howard pause at the words, he was a little surprised when he hung up without reply. Shrugging it off, he picked up Mark’s hot chocolate and crossed the room, turning his complete attention to his friend.
Mark looked up at him as he handed over the mug, smiling a weak sort of a smile that didn’t reach his eyes and then quickly looking away again as Jason perched himself on the sofa’s arm.
“It’s fine, Jay, you go see Howard. I’ll be ok here, just as long as you let me stay,” he sniffed quietly. He could feel Jason’s eyes on him though – steady and knowing – and slowly he looked back up. As their eyes met, Jason smiled at him quietly, eyebrows quirked.
“You do know you don’t get rid of me that easy, don’t you?” he asked gently, and Mark reluctantly smiled back, letting out a defeated half-laugh and looking down into the mug.
“It was worth a try, though,” he replied. Jason smiled.
“So come on, what happened that’s so awful you don’t want to talk about it?” he prompted. Mark bit down on his lip and he clasped both hands around his mug, his body seeming to shrink back against the cushions. The pillow Jason had given him earlier was still across his lap and, being careful not to spill his drink across it, he pulled his knees up so that the pillow was closer to his chest. Taking a sip of his drink he stared out of the window and tried to clear his head. He wasn’t convinced he could explain without bursting into tears, but if a complete mental breakdown was avoidable he would prefer it. He didn’t often break down in front of anyone, let alone in front of Jason. Jason was the most put-together person he knew. He realised there were probably a lot of things Jason didn’t let them see; worried about being strong for others and never one to ruin his pride, he tended to break down in the privacy of his apartment and rarely allowed Gary or Mark to do anything about it. In that sense, Mark supposed there was no better place for him to lose it – after all, Jason was good at being there for people. Quietly, sympathetically, and often with a touch of tough love, Jason looked after people. It was his side-line; his contribution to society was largely through the restoration of people’s faith in humanity.
“If I tell you...promise you won’t do your ‘what’s best for you’ thing on me and make me go talk to Gaz?” Mark pleaded, and Jason laughed.
“Markie, I can’t promise that if I don’t know what’s wrong. And besides, do you really want me to tell you I don’t want what’s best for you? I don’t think anyone is supposed to want anything less than that for their friends,” he pointed out with a smile.
“But what’s best for me is to sit here on your sofa, eating chocolate and hugging this pillow...so if you want what’s best for me, phone Howard and tell him you’re on for a day of romance. Oh, and tell me where you keep your Dairy Milk.” Mark flashed him smile, regarding him out of the corner of his eyes. “You and Howard could disappear for a week if you like,” he added in a sly tone that made Jason chuckle. “I’ll apartment-sit for you,” he offered in a too-bright voice, knowing he was fighting a losing battle but still feeling the urge to stall. Jason tilted his head to one side.
“Markie, the truth please. Then you can have chocolate,” he said softly.
“But, Jay...” Mark began, this time his voice got cracked by tears and there was nothing he could do. Jason stood up and swiftly moved round to sit next to Mark on the sofa, his hand squeezing Mark’s upper arm gently.
“Have a sip of your drink, mate,” Jason told him, and Mark did as he was instructed, the act of swallowing helping him manage his tears.
“So me and Gaz, we were in town yesterday, you know, at the Trafford Centre, having lunch, enjoying the day, and I mean...Gaz was worrying at first, coz he knows the shop gets busy on Saturdays and he felt bad leaving you on your own there, but I told him you’d probably cope better without us under your feet and he calmed down, so it was nice, you know?” Mark explained, aware that he was talking very fast but reluctant to slow down in case he choked on his, now freely-flowing, tears.
“Well the shop didn’t burn down so I know that’s not what went wrong,” Jason put in, succeeding in his aim of raising a small smile from Mark.
“No. No. I...well... we had lunch and everything was fine and then he saw this little place tucked up in the corner and they had all these amazing old instruments and things, some pedals and stuff, you know, the kinda things that get his eyes on stalks?” Mark continued, rolling his eyes slightly in a show of fond exasperation.
“Oh I know the stuff, I’ve had even more years of it than you, remember?” Jason nodded, and once again Mark smiled, taking another sip of his drink and looking down at the floor.
“Yeah, well. He said he wanted to look to see if they had anything for the shop but...we both knew he was looking for his own little collection – he’s really crap at lying, there’s just not a dishonest bone in his body, so I let him have his fun, you know? He’d just spent hours looking at clothes with me so, why not?” Mark laughed slightly and shook his head. “Anyway, I was hanging round outside, biding my time, and there was this bloke there and he was hanging round too and he just made a remark, like about how we were both stuck being dragged round these shops we weren’t interested in and everything. He was wrong, though...I mean, I was kind of interested, just a bit tired, but I wasn’t planning on taking the guy home to me mum or anything so I just agreed with him. Anyway we got talking – and it was a million per cent innocent, Jay, I swear to you!” Mark stressed, looking Jason in the eye at last. Jason simply nodded.
“Go on,” he said. Mark swallowed.
“I guess Gaz must’ve come out the shop sooner than I thought coz I think he must’ve been watching us talk...that’s the only thing I can think anyway coz the minute I spotted him out of the corner of my eye he just bolted. He didn’t run or anything, he just took this massive step back from me, shaking his head like he’d caught me all over the guy or something,” he explained, the tears coming even faster now. Jason frowned.
“You really were just talking?” he asked, his tone suggesting he believed him but that he needed to be sure.
“Jay!” Mark exclaimed, his voice catching.
“Sorry, I just had to ask. Gaz isn’t the suspicious type; he’s trusting to a fault...and that’s hurt him in the past, I know, but...it hasn’t changed him,” Jason sighed, rubbing his forehead.
“I know but...but he just walked away, Jay. And I went to his place, and I banged on the door and I yelled out all the explanations and apologies I could think of. I even apologised for the clothes shopping, I offered to take back my new hat...but I couldn’t keep it up. I thought I’d let him sleep on it, clear his head. But when I got there this morning he still wasn’t listening. So I figured, get the spare key out, go in there, make him listen...but I go in there and he was locked in his bedroom and just kept shouting ‘Go away! Go away!’ over and over and I...I couldn’t listen to it anymore, and that’s when I came here,” Mark sobbed out, finally collapsing into sniffling tears.
Jason watched him in concern a moment before carefully prising the mug from his hands and rubbing his back. Slowly Mark curled up tighter, pulling the pillow up to his face and falling into Jason’s lap. Jason sighed and let him fall, there was no point trying to talk to him in this state. And, if he was honest, he couldn’t blame Mark for being upset. The man Mark loved had judged him for seemingly no reason, run away and was now refusing to tell him what he did wrong, never mind accept his apologies. But Jason had known Gary a long time and he was sure something else was going on, he just needed Mark to let down his guard long enough to let him get out of the house to find Gary.
Jason’s prayers were answered when Mark eventually fell asleep, his hands still clinging to the pillow for dear life. As carefully as he could, Jason lifted the smaller man up, grateful for the height difference between them as he half-carried Mark in the direction of the spare room and lifted him onto the bed. Mark pulled the pillow even closer to him as Jason put him down, so he tugged a throw across him and, to his relief, Mark didn’t wake up. When he slipped out of the room and into the corridor, he was just in time to hear a knock on the apartment’s door.
For a moment Jason’s frown disappeared and, as he made his way to the door, he couldn’t prevent a smile from touching the corner of his lips. A smile that only widened when he saw Howard standing outside his front door, his eyes twinkly from his trademark mixture of lack-of-sleep and happiness. For a moment the two stood in silence, each studying the other, as if scanning to check that all limbs were present and correct before judging it safe to say that everything was ok. Howard smiled a lopsided smile, offering out a hand to Jason which Jason took with mild confusion. Howard still didn’t speak as he pulled Jason slowly towards him, bringing their faces close and then pressing a single soft kiss to Jason’s forehead.
“I can say ‘I love you too’ down the phone a million times and it still won’t mean as much as saying it to you right here, right now, like this,” Howard murmured at last, looking intently into Jason’s eyes.
“Then say it,” Jason half-whispered, a little mesmerised.
“I love you too,” Howard smiled. The corner of Jason’s lips twitched up a little as he looked up into Howard’s eyes, then slowly he closed the gap between them and pulled Howard down into a kiss. Howard smiled against Jason’s lips, walking him backwards into the apartment and cupping his face in his hands. He drew back a little and kissed the corner of Jason’s eye, then his cheek, then the crook of his neck, and then eventually Jason slowly leant back in his embrace, watching him with narrowed blue eyes. Howard had missed the challenge of those eyes.
“Fifteen minutes you said,” he remarked in a husky voice that was laced with amusement. He tilted his head to one side. “I call that twenty,” he added, quirking an eyebrow. Howard let out a low chuckle and pulled Jason’s body back in, kissing the crook of his neck once more.
“Pining away for me were you?” he mumbled against Jason’s skin, enjoying the vibration of Jason’s laugh against his lips. Ah, their games – so much better in person, in his opinion, than they could ever be down a phone line.
“Actually I was holding another man in my arms and tucking him into my bed,” Jason smiled brightly, leaning back once more and twisting to meet Howard’s eyes. His blue gaze was sparkling and mischievous and Howard grinned.
“Flirting with the customers again, love?” he asked lightly.
“Always,” Jason shrugged. For a moment the two stared at each other again, each wondering when the other would back down. Howard’s hands were resting on Jason’s hips and he reached one up in order to stroke a thumb against Jason’s cheek before dipping down just enough to kiss his temple.
“That’s my Jay,” he smirked. Jason looked up at him from the corner of his eye, a curious, playful smile on his lips.
“Your Jay?” he questioned in a low voice and Howard grinned, dipping in again and pressing a kiss to his lips.
“All mine,” he agreed, leaning their foreheads together, still stroking the pad of his thumb along Jason’s cheek. Jason looked at up him with an unreadable smile on his lips, his blue eyes shining. If anyone else had said that, not just in the past but right this moment too, he would have walked away. Or run away. But he was rather surprised to find he didn’t want to do that when Howard said it. When Howard said it he found that it made him feel that he never wanted to move again.
“Ok,” he murmured with a tiny smile, and somehow he knew that Howard knew the words he didn’t say.
After a moment Jason looked away, his eyes going to the windows as he let out a small sigh.
“I feel like an idiot saying this right now but…is it ok if I go?” he asked after a moment, and Howard laughed gently, cupping Jason’s cheek in his hand and forcing him to look back into his eyes.
“You’re never an idiot to me,” he assured him kindly, and Jason quirked his eyebrows playfully.
“Really? Because you’re always an idiot to me,” he joked and Howard grinned.
“I think I like it that way,” he said, stealing a quick kiss from Jason’s lips, and Jason laughed softly, nodding. “So…where’s the invalid?” Howard asked, finally releasing Jason from his hold.
“Sleeping it off in the spare room, but I’m not sure that’s going to last too long,” Jason told him, folding his arms, a look of concern coming over his face. Howard nodded and put his hands in his pockets.
“And your plan of action?” he questioned with a knowing smile. Jason met his eyes and smiled back.
“Bang their heads together? I don’t know, to be honest. Finding Gaz would be a good start so...I should really head out,” Jason explained, looking apologetically at Howard, who smiled back at him with understanding and amusement.
“Drive safe,” he told him and Jason laughed, grabbing his bag and keys from the coffee table.
“I always do – you’re the one I’d be more worried about.”
“Me? I’m not even driving anywhere ‘til tomorrow afternoon,” Howard grinned back.
“Tomorrow afternoon?! Someone’s full of themselves,” Jason smirked as he headed towards the door. Howard simply flopped down onto the sofa, winking as Jason glanced back at him.
“Nah, just psychic.”.
“I’m leaving now,” Jason said pointedly, pausing in the open doorway to look back at Howard, who simply smiled shamelessly up at him.
“Good luck,” he said, casually grabbing up the TV remote and turning it on. Jason watched him a moment, a disbelieving but contented smile on his lips.
“Hey, idiot,” he called, and Howard turned his head.
“Yeah?” he asked and Jason smiled.
“I missed you,” he said simply, before turning silently and shutting the door behind him. Howard watched the space where Jason had been, dazed but smiling. I missed you. He knew what that was in Jason’s world. That was an admission, in a sense – but it was a hell of a lot more than that. Because Jason did not miss people. He noticed they were gone and he occasionally let that bother him. But he didn’t miss people in the way he had just implied to Howard. Because missing people that way implied that a certain amount of himself had to be taken away with them every time they left, and Jason didn’t just hand out pieces of himself. Not to just anyone, anyway.
As Jason had predicted, it didn’t take Mark too long to wake up. Howard looked up when he heard the sound of the spare bedroom’s door clicking open and shut and he turned around just in time to see Mark wandering into the living room, rubbing his eyes and yawning. Stood there barefoot, with his jeans rolled up and his hair at all angles, he looked for all the world like a kid who’d lost his parents in a crowd.
“You’re not Jay,” Mark pointed out quietly.
“Sorry,” Howard replied, and Mark smiled slightly, coming over to join Howard on the sofa.
“Don’t be. I’m kind of glad to be honest. Jay was going to make me go home, I just know it. Or talk to Gaz. I don’t know what would be worse to be honest,” he sighed, pulling his knees up to his chest and staring blankly at the TV.
“Then why didn’t he put you in his car when you were asleep and just drive?” Howard pointed out, frowning slightly, and Mark pulled a face at him.
“Coz he’s Jay,” he shrugged, as if that explained everything and, because he was feeling sympathetic, Howard didn’t question his logic, he simply smiled knowingly and nodded, turning his eyes back to the TV.
“So, why don’t you want to go home?” he asked casually, and Mark wriggled uncomfortably, looking down.
“Coz then I’d be alone. And I’m crap at being alone,” he admitted softly.
“You’ve been alone there before, though, you can’t be that bad at it,” Howard tried.
“But before me and Gaz, I just didn’t know the difference. And then when me and Gaz were going out? There was always the promise of company. Now? Now there’s fucking nothing. And nothing scares me, you know?” Mark all but whispered back. Howard nodded thoughtfully; he understood the principal.
“It might not work out that way,” he offered thoughtfully, and Mark glanced over at him sceptically.
“Would you be saying that if Jay had just locked you out?” he asked pointedly. Howard smiled at him but thought better of replying, because he wasn’t sure Mark wanted to know his honest answer – Jay is always going to unlock the door. Maybe not right away, maybe after a fight, but he would unlock the door, eventually.
Jason himself, meanwhile, was indeed trying his hand at unlocking doors, although he hadn’t been the one doing the locking. Gary’s front door had posed no problem for him – Gary had always kept the spare key hidden in the same place and Jason had always known that. It was Gary’s bedroom door that was posing the bigger challenge and Jason found himself putting his and Justin’s years of boyhood mischief to practical use as he attempted to pick the lock as stealthily as possible. He found himself wondering, somewhat absently, why on earth Gary even had a lock on his bedroom door. He’d known Gary long enough to be well aware that the most dramatic thing he tended to get up to in bed was a sneaky bit of late-night snacking when he was feeling low, and as far as Jason was aware that had yet to be made illegal, but he was torn from this thought by the sound of the lock finally budging and he smiled proudly at his success, pulling himself back up to his feet and dusting himself down slightly. Now the hard work could begin.
The bedroom was mostly darkness, the curtains drawn, and the duvet was pulled up over a Gary-shaped lump on the bed. Jason noted, with concern, several empty biscuit packets lying across the bedside table, next to a selection from Gary’s impressive mug collection. Jason couldn’t help but be reminded of those dark days, back before they even knew Mark, when Gary’s confidence was shot to pieces and all he did was eat, sulk, and occasionally write really terrible, mopey songs that made him feel even less confident in himself. Jason remembered it all too well and he knew what he had to do: he had to remind Gary just how pathetic it was to wallow when he had so much love in his life right now.
“Alright, Barlow, up and out,” Jason announced loudly, striding across the room and pulling open the curtains. The Gary-shaped lump on the bed jumped and twitched at the sound of his voice and slowly Gary’s head emerged from the duvet, his face scrunched up against the sudden influx of light.
“Blimey, Jay – what the hell are you doing here?! When did you even – how did you even –get in?!” Gary tried to gather the duvet back around him, pushing himself back against his pillows as if repelled by the light coming through his bedroom window. “And shut that bloody curtain, would you?!” he grumbled, his head all but disappearing beneath the covers.
“Well I would shut the curtain, only there’s a slight problem; my best mate is being a complete tit,” Jason informed him brightly, folding his arms. “So sorry, mate, but there’s no deal until you tell me what you’re doing with your life exactly?”
“What I’m doing with my life is having a lie-in on a Sunday, when did that become a crime?” Gary huffed and Jason raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah, about that – you do realise you used to have this amazing, pint-sized man in your life? You remember him? Used to make you quite happy to get out of bed on a Sunday, I seem to remember. Or have you actually managed to obliterate all knowledge of him by eating your own weight in biscuits?” Gary sunk into the pillows and closed his eyes again.
“Jay,” he groaned.
“What happened? Other than you temporarily losing your mind,” Jason asked him, his tone somehow as soft as it was stern, and Gary reluctantly opened one eye. Jason looked at him a moment before unfolding his arms and coming over to the bed, perching on the end of it. “I don’t get it, Gaz, I thought things were good for you these days.” Gary sighed.
“Simon,” he stated. “Simon happened. Because Simon always bloody happens at some point, doesn’t he?” Jason blinked, his brow knitting into a confused frown.
“Woah, hang on a minute, you mean the same Simon that-” he began, but then he stopped abruptly and closed his mouth.
“The same one who saw me for the worthless piece of rubbish I really am and left me for someone with genuine talent?” Gary remarked bitterly.
“Because wallowing will get you everywhere, you know,” Jason told him sharply.
“I’m not wallowing!” Gary protested and Jason smirked.
“Yeah, sure, the empty biscuit packets and old tea mugs are your usual bedroom ornaments,” he sighed.
“Just go away, will you? Everyone should go away and leave me. Actually, you know what? Everyone should go off with Simon. Mark should go off with Simon, Mark’s probably talented enough for him.” Gary was talking into his pillow but Jason caught the gist of his words and rolled his eyes at them.
“Get up,” he said sharply, standing up himself and staring down at Gary.
“What?” Gary frowned, lifting his face from the pillow to look at Jason.
“Get up,” Jason repeated.
“Jay-” Gary began but Jason shook his head.
“Up. Now. You are coming with me and you are explaining to Mark that you were being a self-pitying numpty who needs a good slap and then you are going to kiss him and the pair of you are going to get the hell out of my apartment. Ok?” Jason instructed plainly.
“But Jay, I can’t-” Gary tried.
“You can’t what? You can’t accept that people like Simon really enjoy the idea of you lying in a darkened room, screwing up the best relationship you’ve ever had over something he said?” Jason stopped, looking Gary in the eye, his expression knowing and determined. “Control, Gaz. You give it to the people who don’t take pleasure out of actually using it,” he added more softly. Gary stared at him a moment then looked away.
“I thought I was over it by now. I should be over it by now...” he murmured. Jason smiled at him sympathetically, shaking his head.
“No. You don’t have to be over it. You don’t ever have to be over it. You just have remember that it’s not the thing that defines you, it’s only a small part of what makes you who you are.” Jason shrugged. “We all have our baggage, Gaz. But sometimes you just have to realise that there are some people out there who deserve a chance to prove they can live with it.”
“Am I going to have to get out of bed then?” Gary asked after a moment and Jason laughed, grabbing Gary’s shirt from the floor and throwing it at his face.
“Ten minutes, Barlow,” he smirked and Gary sighed.
“So that would be a yes then,” he mumbled, collapsing back against the pillows.
“That would be a yes,” Jason agreed.
“I’ve been a bit thick about...well...about everything,” Gary sighed when his long-winded explanation finally came to an end. Jason had had to drag him there, almost literally. But now that he was stood in front of Mark – who was looking at him with those bright, sad eyes – he was beginning to realise exactly how badly he had reacted to things. Bad memories weren’t an excuse, he thought. Bad memories should have been all the more reason to march right over there and kiss Mark, to smile and to stay put. Not to walk away. Jason was right – he often was. But then, Gary supposed, Jason had always been one to pay attention to the dangers of handing over control. He was a guarded soul, had been for as long as he had known him, and if anything he’d put even more walls up in the time since. And Gary supposed that had protected him more than once. But for himself, he knew he couldn’t be like that, and neither could Mark. They were open with their feelings, even when it got them hurt. And that was, essentially, what had them both stood there, with red eyes and hoarse voices.
“You know...I really thought it was my fault. I think...I think it’s been my fault when people have left me before,” Mark said slowly.
“I didn’t. I didn’t think it was your fault at all,” Gary told him and Mark smiled slightly.
“But you did tell me to go away,” he pointed out.
“I shouldn’t have done though.”
“But you didn’t tell Jay to go,” Mark pointed out sadly.
“He broke in!” Gary protested through a laugh and Mark couldn’t help but laugh too.
“Howard’s influence?” he asked with a tentatively playful level of curiosity.
“No. He’s broken in before,” Gary chuckled fondly.
“Let me guess: for your own good?” Mark smiled.
“Definitely for my own good,” Gary agreed. The two stood in silence a moment before Mark cleared his throat and took a step closer to Gary.
“I should have broken in instead of breaking down,” he admitted quietly. Gary took his hand.
“I should have just kissed you,” he sighed.
“Kiss me now then,” Mark suggested and Gary laughed.
“Right now?”
“Why not?” Mark smiled. Gary looked at him a moment, then slowly pulled him close, his fingers going to the back of Mark’s neck before he brought their lips together, pressing a firm kiss against Mark’s smile.
“Come on, you, I seriously need to get you back on my sofa and get myself a brew,” Gary whispered and Mark laughed, kissing Gary’s nose affectionately.
“Gary Barlow, you modern-day poet!” he chuckled before pulling Gary out into the corridor.
“Listen, Jay – thanks, mate,” Gary said when they were stood in the doorway, finally ready to leave. Jason slid down from where he’d been sitting at the breakfast bar, closing his laptop and coming over to join Mark and Gary at the door.
“No problem, mate. But if you want some more advice? Just go already,” he joked kindly, giving his friend a hug. The goodbye was silent. A look was all it was, an acknowledgement of a day sacrificed was in Gary’s smile and an insistence that it was just something that had to be done was in Jason’s.
“Come on, Gaz, let’s go,” Mark mumbled sleepily, and with one final nod and a smile from Jason, Mark and Gary were gone, the door closed quietly behind them.
As the door clicked shut, Jason slid the chain across and slowly turned back to face Howard, a lazy smile on his lips as he met Howard’s eyes. And Howard looked at him then; really looked. He supposed Jason looked tired, but to him he was still nothing other than beautiful. He looked like someone who needed, just for a little while, to be told what to do. And Howard knew – he knew – that that was not something anyone had been allowed to do before; take control of the situation. Maybe Jason always knew what was best for everyone else, but had anyone ever known what was best for Jason?
“Jay, come here,” Howard said softly from his place on the sofa. Jason held his gaze for a moment, his blue eyes alive with light but the line of his lips unreadable. Some emotion was there, something that wasn’t quite confusion but wasn’t quite fear; he pushed himself up from the door, his arms folded, still watching Howard cautiously. But Howard didn’t doubt himself. He looked at Jason with blue eyes that demanded trust, and slowly, Jason half-smiled, half-sighed. And he came over to Howard, crossing over to the sofa and coming to stand in front of him, letting him take him by the hand and pull him down.
“Howard, lie me down,” he whispered as he fell into Howard’s lap, his lips close to Howard’s but not touching them. It wasn’t a command; it was a relinquishing of all control. Howard smiled.
Carefully, he pulled Jason closer, kissing his palm, then his neck, then his lips. Jason allowed himself to be pulled and, slowly, Howard deepened the kiss until Jason was leaning enough of his weight into Howard for him to pick him up. He leant their foreheads together and looked into Jason’s eyes.
“I’m going to carry you,” he murmured. Jason looked back at him without protest, allowing himself to be taken, allowing Howard to bring their lips together once more as he lifted him into his arms and carried him down the hallway to his bedroom.
“Howard, lie me down,” he repeated quietly, his arms wrapping around Howard’s neck, a smile playing on his lips. And Howard smiled back at him, capturing his lips with a kiss as he lowered him slowly down onto the bed.
Still turning the thoughts of his and Howard's impending reunion over in his mind, Jason didn’t think to look if anyone was waiting by the lifts as he hurried around the corner from the stairs, and he only remembered that other people ever graced the entranceway when he was already crashing into someone else’s path. They thudded into him and he immediately launched into his apology, hardly thinking to look the person in the eye as he grabbed their shoulders firmly and tried to examine them for any injury.
“Oh God, I’m so sorry I-” he began and then he quickly closed his mouth as he finally took in the other person’s face. To his surprise, Mark Owen was looking up at him, bleary-eyed from what Jason could only think to be tears, although Mark didn’t seem to be crying any longer.
“Hiya, Jay – I was just on my way up to see you.” Jason’s lips quirked into a wry smile – who else would Mark have been coming to meet in his apartment building, he thought. Mark half-heartedly matched his smile, seeming to read his thoughts, and he pulled a face, quickly looking away. “Look, I’ll be honest, Jay; me and Gary were just...oh I don’t know, everything just got really fucked up and I don’t even know where to...” Mark was rambling softly, his voice croaking, and Jason’s blue eyes studied him with concern. His grip on Mark’s shoulders softened slightly and he bent his head to try and meet his eyes. The height difference worked to Mark’s advantage, however, and he found it easy to duck away from Jason’s all-seeing gaze.
“Ok, alright, shush your sniffling,” Jason said gently, “Come on, let’s get you up to my place and you can explain how you ended up here, ok?” he offered with a sigh. Mark pulled a face.
“Do we have to talk about it? Coz you know, Jay, I’m more than ok if we don’t.”
“Well that depends: do you want me to make you some hot chocolate and give you a pillow to hug? Or do you want me to carry on walking and leave you here whilst I go and meet my erstwhile boyfriend?” Jason smiled. His voice was somehow tender and stern all at once and it caught Mark’s attention.
“Wait – is today the day Howard gets back?” Jason nodded, amused, and Mark flashed him a brief, tiny grin. “Sorry, Jay,” he said earnestly and Jason chuckled slightly.
“It’s ok. I’m pretty sure he was going to be late meeting me anyway. His flight landed at ten and he was still texting me at two,” he shrugged and Mark nodded, biting his lip sheepishly and looking at Jason out of the corner of his eye.
“So…can I stay with you the night too, Jay?” he tried and Jason tried to suppress his smile, shaking his head and taking a deep breath.
“We’ll see,” he said, bumping his shoulder against Mark’s with a smirk. “Come on, the lift takes forever in this place so we’re going to have to take the stairs,” he added, and Mark simply nodded, following behind Jason quietly.
As he made Mark’s hot chocolate, Jason took a wary glance at the clock. Even on Howard Time he was going to be late. If he left at all, of course. As the kettle boiled he leant heavily on his kitchen counter and sighed, closing his eyes briefly before glancing over at Mark. No part of his conscience would allow him to leave before he at least knew what was wrong. And, if he was really honest with himself? He wouldn’t be able to enjoy seeing Howard again properly if he knew Mark needed him – after all, it had to be a pretty serious problem to get Mark this worked up. He chewed on his lip a moment, looking at his mobile and assessing his options. The one thing he knew for sure was that Howard craved his company just as much as he craved Howard’s, and he was pretty sure Howard owed him on the Rearranging Plans front – persuading Howard to come to him would be so easy he probably didn’t even need to say the words, willpower alone might just be enough. Smiling to himself, Jason rolled his eyes, grateful that Mark wasn’t paying attention to the daft smile that had settled on his lips as he made the decision to call Howard. Swiftly, he grabbed up his phone from where he had discarded it on the breakfast bar, hitting Howard’s speed-dial before trapping the phone between his ear and his shoulder.
“Hello?” a sleepy voice came down the line and Jason couldn’t help but let out a soft, affectionate laugh. There was no way that that was the voice of a man who was up and running for the day, looking eagerly around Manchester for his date. Biting down his smile, Jason put down the mug he was holding and took the phone in his hand, focusing his full attention on teasing his three-quarters-asleep boyfriend.
“What time do you call this, Mister DJ?” he smiled, enjoying the sound of rustling sheets and muffled grunts as Howard rolled himself across his pillows and no doubt squinted to look at the time on his phone.
“I don’t know. Early. Why?” There was a yawn and more rustling and Jason shook his head in fond exasperation. “Wait, what time-JAY!” The rustles became more urgent as Howard’s brain finally caught up to him “Shit, I’m so sorry, Jay. I can be out at dressed in ten minutes if you want?” Howard’s voice was part-mumble, part-groan and Jason couldn’t help his grin.
“Well you needn’t worry,” he laughed. “There’s been a change of plans,” he added gently, his eyes shining slightly. He was touched that Howard actually cared that he was late – he never cared when he was late for anyone else.
“You’re not standing me up are you, Mr.Orange?!” Howard asked him with slightly over-acted outrage.
“No more than you were me!” Jason teased back.
“I was not standing anyone up, I was just...running late,” Howard protested through a yawn, making Jason laugh as he shifted the phone to his other ear and leant back against the counter.
“You weren’t standing me up coz you were too busy lying yourself down more like,” he retorted and Howard let out a soft groan of protest.
“I wouldn’t mind lying you down,” he muttered after a beat and Jason smothered another smile at Howard’s shamelessness.
“You sleep through our big reunion and then make dodgy double entendres at me down the phone? You’re lucky I’m not phoning to dump you, absentee boyfriend of mine,” he teased, brightly, not even trying to hide the affection from his voice.
“You’d think the dodgy double entendres wouldn’t work, but I actually know, for a fact, that they do. You can’t even pretend with me, Orange, I’m onto you,” Howard assured him, his grin practically audible down the line. Jason narrowed his eyes, pursing his lips and trying to hide his laughter from his voice.
“Oh really? What makes you so sure?” he asked and Howard laughed a sleep-rough laugh that warmed Jason to his bones.
“Because you just told me you weren’t phoning to dump me,” he replied, unable to hide his pride in his small victory. Jason couldn’t help but smirk.
“Cheeky,” he remarked.
“Genius more like,” Howard countered.
“Hmm. Well, either way you owe me,” Jason told him after a beat, glancing guiltily over at where Mark was huddling on his sofa.
“I owe you? How do you figure that when you’re standing me up?” Howard joked.
“You owe me because I’m going to let you lie me down later – despite the fact you’re a sleazy lazy bones who forgot about our date,” Jason smirked, and he could almost hear the glint in Howard’s eyes as he said the words.
“Ok, I’m listening,” he agreed, the sound of him thudding back down against the pillows furthering Jason’s amusement..
“I’m still stuck at my place – Mark turned up on my doorstep and he’s in a right state, I can’t just leave him here like this. Do you think you could come round? I need someone to look after him whilst I hunt Gary down,” Jason explained.
“I could hunt Gaz down for you on my way over if you want?” Howard offered and Jason noticed the concern that slipped into his voice as he spoke.
“Thanks for the offer – I’d take you up on it normally but I still don’t actually know what’s happened yet and...well, I’m going out on a limb here and saying he’s behaving like an idiot and needs someone to whack him round the head. Trust me, it wouldn’t be the first time – I had it down to an art form at one stage.” Howard chuckled and Jason smiled. “Anyway, I’ll see you in...how many minutes will it take you to get over here do you think?” Jason asked, and Howard thought a moment.
“You know, I’ve waited two weeks to say this to you; see you in fifteen minutes, traffic allowing,” he said softly and Jason smiled.
“Thanks, Howard,” he replied quietly.
“Pleasure’s all mine, Jay. Seriously. See you in a bit.”
“Love you,” Jason told him and, although he could hear Howard pause at the words, he was a little surprised when he hung up without reply. Shrugging it off, he picked up Mark’s hot chocolate and crossed the room, turning his complete attention to his friend.
Mark looked up at him as he handed over the mug, smiling a weak sort of a smile that didn’t reach his eyes and then quickly looking away again as Jason perched himself on the sofa’s arm.
“It’s fine, Jay, you go see Howard. I’ll be ok here, just as long as you let me stay,” he sniffed quietly. He could feel Jason’s eyes on him though – steady and knowing – and slowly he looked back up. As their eyes met, Jason smiled at him quietly, eyebrows quirked.
“You do know you don’t get rid of me that easy, don’t you?” he asked gently, and Mark reluctantly smiled back, letting out a defeated half-laugh and looking down into the mug.
“It was worth a try, though,” he replied. Jason smiled.
“So come on, what happened that’s so awful you don’t want to talk about it?” he prompted. Mark bit down on his lip and he clasped both hands around his mug, his body seeming to shrink back against the cushions. The pillow Jason had given him earlier was still across his lap and, being careful not to spill his drink across it, he pulled his knees up so that the pillow was closer to his chest. Taking a sip of his drink he stared out of the window and tried to clear his head. He wasn’t convinced he could explain without bursting into tears, but if a complete mental breakdown was avoidable he would prefer it. He didn’t often break down in front of anyone, let alone in front of Jason. Jason was the most put-together person he knew. He realised there were probably a lot of things Jason didn’t let them see; worried about being strong for others and never one to ruin his pride, he tended to break down in the privacy of his apartment and rarely allowed Gary or Mark to do anything about it. In that sense, Mark supposed there was no better place for him to lose it – after all, Jason was good at being there for people. Quietly, sympathetically, and often with a touch of tough love, Jason looked after people. It was his side-line; his contribution to society was largely through the restoration of people’s faith in humanity.
“If I tell you...promise you won’t do your ‘what’s best for you’ thing on me and make me go talk to Gaz?” Mark pleaded, and Jason laughed.
“Markie, I can’t promise that if I don’t know what’s wrong. And besides, do you really want me to tell you I don’t want what’s best for you? I don’t think anyone is supposed to want anything less than that for their friends,” he pointed out with a smile.
“But what’s best for me is to sit here on your sofa, eating chocolate and hugging this pillow...so if you want what’s best for me, phone Howard and tell him you’re on for a day of romance. Oh, and tell me where you keep your Dairy Milk.” Mark flashed him smile, regarding him out of the corner of his eyes. “You and Howard could disappear for a week if you like,” he added in a sly tone that made Jason chuckle. “I’ll apartment-sit for you,” he offered in a too-bright voice, knowing he was fighting a losing battle but still feeling the urge to stall. Jason tilted his head to one side.
“Markie, the truth please. Then you can have chocolate,” he said softly.
“But, Jay...” Mark began, this time his voice got cracked by tears and there was nothing he could do. Jason stood up and swiftly moved round to sit next to Mark on the sofa, his hand squeezing Mark’s upper arm gently.
“Have a sip of your drink, mate,” Jason told him, and Mark did as he was instructed, the act of swallowing helping him manage his tears.
“So me and Gaz, we were in town yesterday, you know, at the Trafford Centre, having lunch, enjoying the day, and I mean...Gaz was worrying at first, coz he knows the shop gets busy on Saturdays and he felt bad leaving you on your own there, but I told him you’d probably cope better without us under your feet and he calmed down, so it was nice, you know?” Mark explained, aware that he was talking very fast but reluctant to slow down in case he choked on his, now freely-flowing, tears.
“Well the shop didn’t burn down so I know that’s not what went wrong,” Jason put in, succeeding in his aim of raising a small smile from Mark.
“No. No. I...well... we had lunch and everything was fine and then he saw this little place tucked up in the corner and they had all these amazing old instruments and things, some pedals and stuff, you know, the kinda things that get his eyes on stalks?” Mark continued, rolling his eyes slightly in a show of fond exasperation.
“Oh I know the stuff, I’ve had even more years of it than you, remember?” Jason nodded, and once again Mark smiled, taking another sip of his drink and looking down at the floor.
“Yeah, well. He said he wanted to look to see if they had anything for the shop but...we both knew he was looking for his own little collection – he’s really crap at lying, there’s just not a dishonest bone in his body, so I let him have his fun, you know? He’d just spent hours looking at clothes with me so, why not?” Mark laughed slightly and shook his head. “Anyway, I was hanging round outside, biding my time, and there was this bloke there and he was hanging round too and he just made a remark, like about how we were both stuck being dragged round these shops we weren’t interested in and everything. He was wrong, though...I mean, I was kind of interested, just a bit tired, but I wasn’t planning on taking the guy home to me mum or anything so I just agreed with him. Anyway we got talking – and it was a million per cent innocent, Jay, I swear to you!” Mark stressed, looking Jason in the eye at last. Jason simply nodded.
“Go on,” he said. Mark swallowed.
“I guess Gaz must’ve come out the shop sooner than I thought coz I think he must’ve been watching us talk...that’s the only thing I can think anyway coz the minute I spotted him out of the corner of my eye he just bolted. He didn’t run or anything, he just took this massive step back from me, shaking his head like he’d caught me all over the guy or something,” he explained, the tears coming even faster now. Jason frowned.
“You really were just talking?” he asked, his tone suggesting he believed him but that he needed to be sure.
“Jay!” Mark exclaimed, his voice catching.
“Sorry, I just had to ask. Gaz isn’t the suspicious type; he’s trusting to a fault...and that’s hurt him in the past, I know, but...it hasn’t changed him,” Jason sighed, rubbing his forehead.
“I know but...but he just walked away, Jay. And I went to his place, and I banged on the door and I yelled out all the explanations and apologies I could think of. I even apologised for the clothes shopping, I offered to take back my new hat...but I couldn’t keep it up. I thought I’d let him sleep on it, clear his head. But when I got there this morning he still wasn’t listening. So I figured, get the spare key out, go in there, make him listen...but I go in there and he was locked in his bedroom and just kept shouting ‘Go away! Go away!’ over and over and I...I couldn’t listen to it anymore, and that’s when I came here,” Mark sobbed out, finally collapsing into sniffling tears.
Jason watched him in concern a moment before carefully prising the mug from his hands and rubbing his back. Slowly Mark curled up tighter, pulling the pillow up to his face and falling into Jason’s lap. Jason sighed and let him fall, there was no point trying to talk to him in this state. And, if he was honest, he couldn’t blame Mark for being upset. The man Mark loved had judged him for seemingly no reason, run away and was now refusing to tell him what he did wrong, never mind accept his apologies. But Jason had known Gary a long time and he was sure something else was going on, he just needed Mark to let down his guard long enough to let him get out of the house to find Gary.
Jason’s prayers were answered when Mark eventually fell asleep, his hands still clinging to the pillow for dear life. As carefully as he could, Jason lifted the smaller man up, grateful for the height difference between them as he half-carried Mark in the direction of the spare room and lifted him onto the bed. Mark pulled the pillow even closer to him as Jason put him down, so he tugged a throw across him and, to his relief, Mark didn’t wake up. When he slipped out of the room and into the corridor, he was just in time to hear a knock on the apartment’s door.
For a moment Jason’s frown disappeared and, as he made his way to the door, he couldn’t prevent a smile from touching the corner of his lips. A smile that only widened when he saw Howard standing outside his front door, his eyes twinkly from his trademark mixture of lack-of-sleep and happiness. For a moment the two stood in silence, each studying the other, as if scanning to check that all limbs were present and correct before judging it safe to say that everything was ok. Howard smiled a lopsided smile, offering out a hand to Jason which Jason took with mild confusion. Howard still didn’t speak as he pulled Jason slowly towards him, bringing their faces close and then pressing a single soft kiss to Jason’s forehead.
“I can say ‘I love you too’ down the phone a million times and it still won’t mean as much as saying it to you right here, right now, like this,” Howard murmured at last, looking intently into Jason’s eyes.
“Then say it,” Jason half-whispered, a little mesmerised.
“I love you too,” Howard smiled. The corner of Jason’s lips twitched up a little as he looked up into Howard’s eyes, then slowly he closed the gap between them and pulled Howard down into a kiss. Howard smiled against Jason’s lips, walking him backwards into the apartment and cupping his face in his hands. He drew back a little and kissed the corner of Jason’s eye, then his cheek, then the crook of his neck, and then eventually Jason slowly leant back in his embrace, watching him with narrowed blue eyes. Howard had missed the challenge of those eyes.
“Fifteen minutes you said,” he remarked in a husky voice that was laced with amusement. He tilted his head to one side. “I call that twenty,” he added, quirking an eyebrow. Howard let out a low chuckle and pulled Jason’s body back in, kissing the crook of his neck once more.
“Pining away for me were you?” he mumbled against Jason’s skin, enjoying the vibration of Jason’s laugh against his lips. Ah, their games – so much better in person, in his opinion, than they could ever be down a phone line.
“Actually I was holding another man in my arms and tucking him into my bed,” Jason smiled brightly, leaning back once more and twisting to meet Howard’s eyes. His blue gaze was sparkling and mischievous and Howard grinned.
“Flirting with the customers again, love?” he asked lightly.
“Always,” Jason shrugged. For a moment the two stared at each other again, each wondering when the other would back down. Howard’s hands were resting on Jason’s hips and he reached one up in order to stroke a thumb against Jason’s cheek before dipping down just enough to kiss his temple.
“That’s my Jay,” he smirked. Jason looked up at him from the corner of his eye, a curious, playful smile on his lips.
“Your Jay?” he questioned in a low voice and Howard grinned, dipping in again and pressing a kiss to his lips.
“All mine,” he agreed, leaning their foreheads together, still stroking the pad of his thumb along Jason’s cheek. Jason looked at up him with an unreadable smile on his lips, his blue eyes shining. If anyone else had said that, not just in the past but right this moment too, he would have walked away. Or run away. But he was rather surprised to find he didn’t want to do that when Howard said it. When Howard said it he found that it made him feel that he never wanted to move again.
“Ok,” he murmured with a tiny smile, and somehow he knew that Howard knew the words he didn’t say.
After a moment Jason looked away, his eyes going to the windows as he let out a small sigh.
“I feel like an idiot saying this right now but…is it ok if I go?” he asked after a moment, and Howard laughed gently, cupping Jason’s cheek in his hand and forcing him to look back into his eyes.
“You’re never an idiot to me,” he assured him kindly, and Jason quirked his eyebrows playfully.
“Really? Because you’re always an idiot to me,” he joked and Howard grinned.
“I think I like it that way,” he said, stealing a quick kiss from Jason’s lips, and Jason laughed softly, nodding. “So…where’s the invalid?” Howard asked, finally releasing Jason from his hold.
“Sleeping it off in the spare room, but I’m not sure that’s going to last too long,” Jason told him, folding his arms, a look of concern coming over his face. Howard nodded and put his hands in his pockets.
“And your plan of action?” he questioned with a knowing smile. Jason met his eyes and smiled back.
“Bang their heads together? I don’t know, to be honest. Finding Gaz would be a good start so...I should really head out,” Jason explained, looking apologetically at Howard, who smiled back at him with understanding and amusement.
“Drive safe,” he told him and Jason laughed, grabbing his bag and keys from the coffee table.
“I always do – you’re the one I’d be more worried about.”
“Me? I’m not even driving anywhere ‘til tomorrow afternoon,” Howard grinned back.
“Tomorrow afternoon?! Someone’s full of themselves,” Jason smirked as he headed towards the door. Howard simply flopped down onto the sofa, winking as Jason glanced back at him.
“Nah, just psychic.”.
“I’m leaving now,” Jason said pointedly, pausing in the open doorway to look back at Howard, who simply smiled shamelessly up at him.
“Good luck,” he said, casually grabbing up the TV remote and turning it on. Jason watched him a moment, a disbelieving but contented smile on his lips.
“Hey, idiot,” he called, and Howard turned his head.
“Yeah?” he asked and Jason smiled.
“I missed you,” he said simply, before turning silently and shutting the door behind him. Howard watched the space where Jason had been, dazed but smiling. I missed you. He knew what that was in Jason’s world. That was an admission, in a sense – but it was a hell of a lot more than that. Because Jason did not miss people. He noticed they were gone and he occasionally let that bother him. But he didn’t miss people in the way he had just implied to Howard. Because missing people that way implied that a certain amount of himself had to be taken away with them every time they left, and Jason didn’t just hand out pieces of himself. Not to just anyone, anyway.
As Jason had predicted, it didn’t take Mark too long to wake up. Howard looked up when he heard the sound of the spare bedroom’s door clicking open and shut and he turned around just in time to see Mark wandering into the living room, rubbing his eyes and yawning. Stood there barefoot, with his jeans rolled up and his hair at all angles, he looked for all the world like a kid who’d lost his parents in a crowd.
“You’re not Jay,” Mark pointed out quietly.
“Sorry,” Howard replied, and Mark smiled slightly, coming over to join Howard on the sofa.
“Don’t be. I’m kind of glad to be honest. Jay was going to make me go home, I just know it. Or talk to Gaz. I don’t know what would be worse to be honest,” he sighed, pulling his knees up to his chest and staring blankly at the TV.
“Then why didn’t he put you in his car when you were asleep and just drive?” Howard pointed out, frowning slightly, and Mark pulled a face at him.
“Coz he’s Jay,” he shrugged, as if that explained everything and, because he was feeling sympathetic, Howard didn’t question his logic, he simply smiled knowingly and nodded, turning his eyes back to the TV.
“So, why don’t you want to go home?” he asked casually, and Mark wriggled uncomfortably, looking down.
“Coz then I’d be alone. And I’m crap at being alone,” he admitted softly.
“You’ve been alone there before, though, you can’t be that bad at it,” Howard tried.
“But before me and Gaz, I just didn’t know the difference. And then when me and Gaz were going out? There was always the promise of company. Now? Now there’s fucking nothing. And nothing scares me, you know?” Mark all but whispered back. Howard nodded thoughtfully; he understood the principal.
“It might not work out that way,” he offered thoughtfully, and Mark glanced over at him sceptically.
“Would you be saying that if Jay had just locked you out?” he asked pointedly. Howard smiled at him but thought better of replying, because he wasn’t sure Mark wanted to know his honest answer – Jay is always going to unlock the door. Maybe not right away, maybe after a fight, but he would unlock the door, eventually.
Jason himself, meanwhile, was indeed trying his hand at unlocking doors, although he hadn’t been the one doing the locking. Gary’s front door had posed no problem for him – Gary had always kept the spare key hidden in the same place and Jason had always known that. It was Gary’s bedroom door that was posing the bigger challenge and Jason found himself putting his and Justin’s years of boyhood mischief to practical use as he attempted to pick the lock as stealthily as possible. He found himself wondering, somewhat absently, why on earth Gary even had a lock on his bedroom door. He’d known Gary long enough to be well aware that the most dramatic thing he tended to get up to in bed was a sneaky bit of late-night snacking when he was feeling low, and as far as Jason was aware that had yet to be made illegal, but he was torn from this thought by the sound of the lock finally budging and he smiled proudly at his success, pulling himself back up to his feet and dusting himself down slightly. Now the hard work could begin.
The bedroom was mostly darkness, the curtains drawn, and the duvet was pulled up over a Gary-shaped lump on the bed. Jason noted, with concern, several empty biscuit packets lying across the bedside table, next to a selection from Gary’s impressive mug collection. Jason couldn’t help but be reminded of those dark days, back before they even knew Mark, when Gary’s confidence was shot to pieces and all he did was eat, sulk, and occasionally write really terrible, mopey songs that made him feel even less confident in himself. Jason remembered it all too well and he knew what he had to do: he had to remind Gary just how pathetic it was to wallow when he had so much love in his life right now.
“Alright, Barlow, up and out,” Jason announced loudly, striding across the room and pulling open the curtains. The Gary-shaped lump on the bed jumped and twitched at the sound of his voice and slowly Gary’s head emerged from the duvet, his face scrunched up against the sudden influx of light.
“Blimey, Jay – what the hell are you doing here?! When did you even – how did you even –get in?!” Gary tried to gather the duvet back around him, pushing himself back against his pillows as if repelled by the light coming through his bedroom window. “And shut that bloody curtain, would you?!” he grumbled, his head all but disappearing beneath the covers.
“Well I would shut the curtain, only there’s a slight problem; my best mate is being a complete tit,” Jason informed him brightly, folding his arms. “So sorry, mate, but there’s no deal until you tell me what you’re doing with your life exactly?”
“What I’m doing with my life is having a lie-in on a Sunday, when did that become a crime?” Gary huffed and Jason raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah, about that – you do realise you used to have this amazing, pint-sized man in your life? You remember him? Used to make you quite happy to get out of bed on a Sunday, I seem to remember. Or have you actually managed to obliterate all knowledge of him by eating your own weight in biscuits?” Gary sunk into the pillows and closed his eyes again.
“Jay,” he groaned.
“What happened? Other than you temporarily losing your mind,” Jason asked him, his tone somehow as soft as it was stern, and Gary reluctantly opened one eye. Jason looked at him a moment before unfolding his arms and coming over to the bed, perching on the end of it. “I don’t get it, Gaz, I thought things were good for you these days.” Gary sighed.
“Simon,” he stated. “Simon happened. Because Simon always bloody happens at some point, doesn’t he?” Jason blinked, his brow knitting into a confused frown.
“Woah, hang on a minute, you mean the same Simon that-” he began, but then he stopped abruptly and closed his mouth.
“The same one who saw me for the worthless piece of rubbish I really am and left me for someone with genuine talent?” Gary remarked bitterly.
“Because wallowing will get you everywhere, you know,” Jason told him sharply.
“I’m not wallowing!” Gary protested and Jason smirked.
“Yeah, sure, the empty biscuit packets and old tea mugs are your usual bedroom ornaments,” he sighed.
“Just go away, will you? Everyone should go away and leave me. Actually, you know what? Everyone should go off with Simon. Mark should go off with Simon, Mark’s probably talented enough for him.” Gary was talking into his pillow but Jason caught the gist of his words and rolled his eyes at them.
“Get up,” he said sharply, standing up himself and staring down at Gary.
“What?” Gary frowned, lifting his face from the pillow to look at Jason.
“Get up,” Jason repeated.
“Jay-” Gary began but Jason shook his head.
“Up. Now. You are coming with me and you are explaining to Mark that you were being a self-pitying numpty who needs a good slap and then you are going to kiss him and the pair of you are going to get the hell out of my apartment. Ok?” Jason instructed plainly.
“But Jay, I can’t-” Gary tried.
“You can’t what? You can’t accept that people like Simon really enjoy the idea of you lying in a darkened room, screwing up the best relationship you’ve ever had over something he said?” Jason stopped, looking Gary in the eye, his expression knowing and determined. “Control, Gaz. You give it to the people who don’t take pleasure out of actually using it,” he added more softly. Gary stared at him a moment then looked away.
“I thought I was over it by now. I should be over it by now...” he murmured. Jason smiled at him sympathetically, shaking his head.
“No. You don’t have to be over it. You don’t ever have to be over it. You just have remember that it’s not the thing that defines you, it’s only a small part of what makes you who you are.” Jason shrugged. “We all have our baggage, Gaz. But sometimes you just have to realise that there are some people out there who deserve a chance to prove they can live with it.”
“Am I going to have to get out of bed then?” Gary asked after a moment and Jason laughed, grabbing Gary’s shirt from the floor and throwing it at his face.
“Ten minutes, Barlow,” he smirked and Gary sighed.
“So that would be a yes then,” he mumbled, collapsing back against the pillows.
“That would be a yes,” Jason agreed.
“I’ve been a bit thick about...well...about everything,” Gary sighed when his long-winded explanation finally came to an end. Jason had had to drag him there, almost literally. But now that he was stood in front of Mark – who was looking at him with those bright, sad eyes – he was beginning to realise exactly how badly he had reacted to things. Bad memories weren’t an excuse, he thought. Bad memories should have been all the more reason to march right over there and kiss Mark, to smile and to stay put. Not to walk away. Jason was right – he often was. But then, Gary supposed, Jason had always been one to pay attention to the dangers of handing over control. He was a guarded soul, had been for as long as he had known him, and if anything he’d put even more walls up in the time since. And Gary supposed that had protected him more than once. But for himself, he knew he couldn’t be like that, and neither could Mark. They were open with their feelings, even when it got them hurt. And that was, essentially, what had them both stood there, with red eyes and hoarse voices.
“You know...I really thought it was my fault. I think...I think it’s been my fault when people have left me before,” Mark said slowly.
“I didn’t. I didn’t think it was your fault at all,” Gary told him and Mark smiled slightly.
“But you did tell me to go away,” he pointed out.
“I shouldn’t have done though.”
“But you didn’t tell Jay to go,” Mark pointed out sadly.
“He broke in!” Gary protested through a laugh and Mark couldn’t help but laugh too.
“Howard’s influence?” he asked with a tentatively playful level of curiosity.
“No. He’s broken in before,” Gary chuckled fondly.
“Let me guess: for your own good?” Mark smiled.
“Definitely for my own good,” Gary agreed. The two stood in silence a moment before Mark cleared his throat and took a step closer to Gary.
“I should have broken in instead of breaking down,” he admitted quietly. Gary took his hand.
“I should have just kissed you,” he sighed.
“Kiss me now then,” Mark suggested and Gary laughed.
“Right now?”
“Why not?” Mark smiled. Gary looked at him a moment, then slowly pulled him close, his fingers going to the back of Mark’s neck before he brought their lips together, pressing a firm kiss against Mark’s smile.
“Come on, you, I seriously need to get you back on my sofa and get myself a brew,” Gary whispered and Mark laughed, kissing Gary’s nose affectionately.
“Gary Barlow, you modern-day poet!” he chuckled before pulling Gary out into the corridor.
“Listen, Jay – thanks, mate,” Gary said when they were stood in the doorway, finally ready to leave. Jason slid down from where he’d been sitting at the breakfast bar, closing his laptop and coming over to join Mark and Gary at the door.
“No problem, mate. But if you want some more advice? Just go already,” he joked kindly, giving his friend a hug. The goodbye was silent. A look was all it was, an acknowledgement of a day sacrificed was in Gary’s smile and an insistence that it was just something that had to be done was in Jason’s.
“Come on, Gaz, let’s go,” Mark mumbled sleepily, and with one final nod and a smile from Jason, Mark and Gary were gone, the door closed quietly behind them.
As the door clicked shut, Jason slid the chain across and slowly turned back to face Howard, a lazy smile on his lips as he met Howard’s eyes. And Howard looked at him then; really looked. He supposed Jason looked tired, but to him he was still nothing other than beautiful. He looked like someone who needed, just for a little while, to be told what to do. And Howard knew – he knew – that that was not something anyone had been allowed to do before; take control of the situation. Maybe Jason always knew what was best for everyone else, but had anyone ever known what was best for Jason?
“Jay, come here,” Howard said softly from his place on the sofa. Jason held his gaze for a moment, his blue eyes alive with light but the line of his lips unreadable. Some emotion was there, something that wasn’t quite confusion but wasn’t quite fear; he pushed himself up from the door, his arms folded, still watching Howard cautiously. But Howard didn’t doubt himself. He looked at Jason with blue eyes that demanded trust, and slowly, Jason half-smiled, half-sighed. And he came over to Howard, crossing over to the sofa and coming to stand in front of him, letting him take him by the hand and pull him down.
“Howard, lie me down,” he whispered as he fell into Howard’s lap, his lips close to Howard’s but not touching them. It wasn’t a command; it was a relinquishing of all control. Howard smiled.
Carefully, he pulled Jason closer, kissing his palm, then his neck, then his lips. Jason allowed himself to be pulled and, slowly, Howard deepened the kiss until Jason was leaning enough of his weight into Howard for him to pick him up. He leant their foreheads together and looked into Jason’s eyes.
“I’m going to carry you,” he murmured. Jason looked back at him without protest, allowing himself to be taken, allowing Howard to bring their lips together once more as he lifted him into his arms and carried him down the hallway to his bedroom.
“Howard, lie me down,” he repeated quietly, his arms wrapping around Howard’s neck, a smile playing on his lips. And Howard smiled back at him, capturing his lips with a kiss as he lowered him slowly down onto the bed.