The Other Side Of The Door
It was one of their Lightning Bolt Fights; a spark out of the nothing that suddenly lit up the whole sky, splitting it in two. Howard hated that this was the third one in as many weeks, hated that he’d started counting, hated how much it hurt to fight with Jason this way. He gritted his teeth and quickened his pace, trying to keep up and finding it surprisingly hard to climb the steps of their apartment building and argue his case at the same time. He was strong but Jason was powerful, and there was a determination within his anger which seemed to drive him forwards. Their footsteps clashed in differing staccato beats which echoed around the vast space, Howard’s breathing heavy but Jason’s movements swift and silent as he pulled a little further ahead, rounding the corner to the next flight of stairs and shooting the briefest of glares in Howard’s direction, his blue eyes an unusually stormy grey in the dim light of the stairway.
“Jay, will you slow down for one minute, please?” Howard pressed in a low growl, unable to completly quell the defensive annoyance he felt, the stubborn need within him to somehow ‘win’ the argument bubbling up briefly as Jason strode purposefully up the final flight of stairs. The look Jason gave him was all ice on the surface, but Howard knew him too well to be fooled by the mask and he caught the scared, wounded look that briefly danced across Jason’s handsome features and it all but extinguished any lingering frustration Howard felt at their afternoon disintegrating into a fight he didn’t want to be responsible for causing.
Jason turned away from Howard sharply and focused his eyes forwards, unable to do anything else for fear he’d just crumble then and there. And he was so tired of feeling like he was falling apart, he so badly wanted to avoid going there again. Besides, if he opened his mouth to speak – if he avoided just breaking down – the chances were he’d only say something stupid, something irrevocably damaging which he would regret bitterly later, once his anger had simmered down and he was able to think clearly again. “Jay.” It was softer this time – a plea not an argument – and Jason risked another glance back over his shoulder, pausing briefly at the top of the stairs, causing Howard to jerk to a halt too, leaning on the bannister, looking up at him expectantly.
The anger had disappeared from his face, and there was no more fear or confusion in his eyes – now Howard was looking at him with a sorry, sympathetic expression that Jason knew should have calmed him, should have instantly put a stop to his anger and doused the sparks of this fight without another word needing to be spoken. But for reasons he didn’t fully understand himself, the moment stung him, provoked a new rush of bitter hurt within him and stirred up his irritation once again. He tightened his grip on the banister. God, he was tired of people just making decisions for him, just taking everything out of his hands – if he had no power over anything else, he at least wanted power over how this fight would end.
“Just. Stop.” Howard’s eyes were winter-blue and piercing as Jason met his stare, and Jason had to swallow hard to stop a choke of emotion from cracking his words. “Can you please just leave? Is that too much to ask? Because I can’t talk to you right now – I won’t talk to you right now – and this whole conversation is just pointless anyway.” He saw the tiniest flinch in Howard’s face, but there was still a tenderness to his stare that was unsettling and soothing all at once. Jason closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath.
“Jay.” There it was again. Soft, whispered and scratchy. A thousand different times he’d heard this man say his name – they played through his mind in that moment, and he wondered if he’d ever heard anyone make his name seem to mean so many different things, sometimes all at once. There was history in it, and whispered confessions. Memories. Kisses. Fights. Jokes. Loss. Promises. Hope. All the times when all Howard had had to say was ‘Jay’ and suddenly everything had been ok again, or better than ok…Jason turned away and blinked back a sudden rush of tears from his eyes.
“Please, How. Just…go. Just leave me alone, ok?” He sighed and tried to collect himself, but with little effect. “I’ve just…I’ve had enough for today,” he added in a murmur, risking a glance back at Howard once more. That usually mischievous, handsome face of his was almost expressionless, but those wolfish eyes were bright and concerned. His lips briefly twitched up at one corner, a sad smile that was as defeated as Jason had ever seen on his face. Even in the heat of a fight, even in despair and frustration and anger, even in total exhaustion with the world – even in this tense, silent moment in the stairwell – they loved each other, they knew each other. Jason glanced away quickly, sensing a little of his anger begin to ebb out of him, giving way to an exhaustion he felt all the way to his bones. Everything ached and some traitorous part of him wanted nothing more than to fall into Howard’s arms and forget everything – forget why he was mad, forget what Howard had said, forget his insistence Howard leave and instead just be held for a while. Counterintuitive and hypocritical as it may seem, he craved it and had to find some deep reserves of energy to force himself not to give in to it. God, it had been such a very long day. No, it had been a long few months. Slowly Jason turned and began to trudge up the remaining stairs. He didn’t hear Howard’s footsteps behind him as he made his way towards their apartment door. A part of him was grateful. A larger part of him was close to total devastation at the thought Howard might actually, truly not follow him home.
For a moment Howard didn’t move from his place on the stairs, watching silently as Jason walked away from him. He knew he had a choice to make: stay or go, give or give in, ignore a plea or break a promise. It was like something inside of him was knotted up, making it hard to breathe and even harder to think.
There were days when it was like nothing had happened to the two of them and there were days where happiness and relief threatened to overwhelm them – those days were frequent, glorious and deceptive. Because then there were days like today: days when the rain came back and exposed all the fault lines at once, bringing out insecurities and misunderstandings and making them suddenly unsure of each other in a way which they had never been before. And Howard knew it probably wouldn’t go away until they had it out – until something forced the issue and put an end to the fears and faltering. This fight had to end in resolution rather than just a night of silence and pretence that nothing had happened by the time the sun came up the next day. Howard wasn’t sure he could take the ache of another one of these Lightning Bolt Fights, after all. He wasn’t sure he could go on seeing that haunted looked flare up in Jason’s eyes. He rubbed a hand over his face and sighed heavily. His body felt heavy all of a sudden and he wanted nothing more than to chase after Jason and grab him up, pull him close and kiss his face ‘til he wrapped his arms around him and the world began to turn once more. But he knew he owed it to Jason to ignore the selfishness of the impulse. Jason rarely asked people he cared about to leave, after all. Howard knew. Howard understood a lot of things about the way Jason spoke certain words. Stay. Thank you. Goodnight. No. Ok. Please. Leave. Don’t. Howard. Love. He knew he had seen tears glittering in Jason’s eyes just now. He knew how rarely Jason let anyone see him cry. So Howard took a moment to clear his head of whatever remained of his frustration, breathing deeply and closing his eyes. But – he promised himself – this was a pause and not a surrender.
When Howard finally made it to the apartment door he found it locked. For a moment he thought about turning around, trudging back down the stairs and heading out. It would be easy to let the dust settle, to go and walk down by Salford Quays and wallow for a bit. But since when was easy his and Jason’s way? He fished his keys out and opened the door as carefully and quietly as he could, taking in the stillness of the apartment for a moment before he shut the door. Stillness, but not emptiness, he had to remind himself of that these days. It was comforting to look around and see traces of Jason’s presence – he didn’t think he’d ever take that for granted again. He glanced around the room and a half-smile touched his lips as he took in Jason’s bag, discarded on the sofa, the two used mugs still sitting in the sink from that morning, the paperback lying at an angle on the coffee table. Dumping his own bag on the floor by the door, Howard sighed and headed down the corridor.
As he came to the bedroom door, he hesitated, briefly letting his hand rest on the handle and closing his eyes. He raised his other hand to knock, then stilled before his knuckles grazed the wood, letting both his hands drop to his sides. He closed his eyes and squeezed them tightly shut. Howard Donald was brave and he was stubborn. But he loved Jason. If the door was closed it was closed for a reason – and besides, it wasn’t as though one door was the greatest divide which had ever been placed between them. How many times, Howard wondered idly, had they spent hours whispering to each other down the phone, sharing secrets when they couldn’t sleep, all but oblivious to the miles which lay between them. He smiled slightly and turned, pressing his back against the door and sliding down it slowly, pulling his knees up to his chest and tipping his head back against the wood. He placed his palms flat against the floor and drummed out a dull, repetitive beat with his fingertips. It couldn’t have been more than a minute before he heard a movement behind him – what sounded like someone sliding down the door of the other side, sitting down behind him on the ground. One glance at the slight gap beneath the door confirmed it – shadow where there had been light. Jason had heard him, somehow. And the first step to closing the distance between them had been made. Howard chuckled slightly, shaking his head to himself before reaching into his pocket and pulling out his phone.
On the other side of the door, Jason flattened his back against the smooth wood and pulled his knees up to his chest. He was chewing on his lip, listening out for the sound of Howard drumming his fingers against the floor once more, but the sound didn’t come. He glanced down to make sure Howard’s shadow was still there and he couldn’t help the slight smile that touched his lips when he saw it still was. Always was a stubborn one, Howard Donald. And in that moment, with that thought, the last of his anger was somehow forgotten – there was still a slight ache of sadness, the smallest of wounds still stinging lightly and stopping him from just wrenching the door open then and there and declaring all was forgiven. But it was enough to know he would forgive him, eventually. It was enough to be able to admit he’d panicked, overreacted and let a poor choice of words, a few misunderstandings and a difference of opinion collide into one, overwrought argument. He’d let everything that had happened get the better of him and he hated it – he’d let all the mistakes and questions and stresses from Emily and his family and the police cloud his judgement, twist his view of the world. He sighed heavily and tipped his head back, looking up at the ceiling and taking a moment to try and remember the emptiness of his apartment before he’d met Howard, tried to remember a time before absent-minded drum beats were tapped out on every surface, someone was always humming or laughing or muttering away to themselves. Before there was always a mobile phone going off somewhere.
Jason started slightly then as the sound of something buzzing faintly interrupted his thoughts. As though on some cosmic cue, his mobile was vibrating in his pocket, buzzing against his keys with an insistent rattle that demanded attention. And when he pulled it out, his lips twisted into a lopsided smile and he shook his head with a mixture of disbelief and fond despair. What even was his life before Howard Donald? Was it less ridiculous? It was certainly less fun. He rolled his eyes and brought the phone up to his ear, connecting the call and letting out a small sigh as he leant back against the door.
“Hey, you.” Howard’s voice was rough and warm like coffee and Jason closed his eyes, sinking back a little more against the door. Howard’s breath down the line was enough to calm him somehow. Memories of late nights and early mornings, curled together and just listening, just touching, flooded his mind, setting his senses somehow on alert at once – it was a ritual that made them both feel safe and at home, for reasons they didn’t fully understand but never questioned. Jason swallowed.
“You could just open the door, you know,” he pointed out softly, brushing the very last remnants of tears from the corners of his eyes and biting back a fond smile.
“Could’ve done. But some daft bastard’s sitting on the other side of it,” Howard pointed out, his tone earnestly serious but an edge of mischief just about detectable to Jason’s well-trained ear. He didn’t fight his smile this time, closing his eyes once more instead and letting a calming silence fall over the two of them. “You want to talk about it?” Howard asked after a short while had passed. His voice was gentle, tender and honest and Jason wondered how many times he’d heard that tone, heard that exact question from Howard’s lips. That question spanned miles and countries and time zones, it had spanned continents and arguments and countless fears – that question had been whispered against his skin at 3a.m. and murmured down phone-lines at midnight. And the beauty of it was that he was never required to answer, let alone to actually talk. And yet, somehow, he always did. Sometimes the moment the question was asked, sometimes later in the conversation, sometimes days and weeks would pass before he answered, but the moment always came. Howard was the safest place Jason had ever known. And after everything, he suddenly realised, he appreciated that more than words could really say.
“No,” he answered eventually, then sighed. “The last thing I want to do is talk,” he added in a murmur. “But if I don’t talk I’ll probably just keep fighting with you. And I don’t want to fight with you, How. Because so much stuff has been messed up and broken over the years, and I’m not sure I can cope if you and me got messed up and broken too.”
“Hey, come on now – we’re messy, maybe. But never broken.” There was a smile in Howard’s voice that made Jason smile too, ever so slightly.
“I thought I asked you to go,” he pointed out suddenly and Howard let out a low chuckle.
“Oh now you remember.” Jason could almost hear his grin, the playful roll of his eyes. Then there was a pause and a sigh. “How many times have you asked me to stay, though?” Howard asked him then, his voice dropped to a faint whisper. Jason’s smile softened and he looked down at the ring on his finger thoughtfully. “That’s the funny thing about you, Jay: you don’t ask people to go, and you don’t ask people to stay. They’re the two words that scare you the most. But you trusted me with both of them. And…I know you wouldn’t ask me to go if you didn’t trust me not to listen.”
“And I wouldn’t trust you with a ‘stay’ if I didn’t know you’re too stubborn to leave anyway,” Jason finished the sentiment for him, nodding his head slightly in acceptance of his own peculiar quirk.
Silence fell between the two of them again then. A comfortable silence, though not an entirely contented one. Mistakes and words said too harshly hung in the air between them like cobwebs and exhaustion weighed heavily on both of their shoulders. But still they didn’t move. They just listened to each other’s breathing and closed their eyes. The sensation was oddly like the brief brush of fingertips; an intimate kind of almost.
“I’m sorry.” Howard broke into the quiet at last. Jason closed his eyes.
“I’m sorry too,” he whispered back. “I know you weren’t trying to speak for me, but it just felt-”
“I know.” And the thing was: he did know, Jason realised. He knew. And he understood. And he was there, ready and willing to let go or hold tighter according only to his instructions. So why had he been so convinced Howard was out to stifle him? Why – even if it had just been for a few minutes – had he been so afraid of this man who had always known when to take and relinquish control? Jason was about to apologize again when Howard’s rough, plaintive voice cut into his thoughts. “I’ll come to the hearings if you want me there. And I’ll come talk to Justin and I’ll let you deal with the liaisons officers on your own and if they call and you’re not there I won’t take the decision on what to do out of your hands…I won’t tell Gaz you’re not up to something just because I’m feeling selfish, I won’t tell Kathryn and Ben that I don’t think you’re ok if you want them to think you are…” He faltered then but Jason waited, able to hear the sound of Howard drawing in a deep breath and knowing he needed to get whatever it was off his chest. “All I need, Jay…all I need is for you to be ok. Or your version of ok. And if you’re not there, if you’re not fine and I’m not fine then I just…I just need to know. Even if your way of letting me know is to sit in silence on the other side of the door – just don’t forget that I know you. Don’t assume I’m looking for a way to make you not ok when I’m just…trying to bring that smile back to your face again. If you want to lock me out, if you want to not talk – that’s fine by me. But I won’t leave you. I’ll stay, even if it’s just on the other side of the door. I’ll sit here ‘til morning if that’s what you need to feel ok again, Jay. I just want to see your eyes alive again.”
And just like that, Jason felt the last of the bands around his chest snap free; he could breathe more easily again somehow, he could feel his tense, tired muscles start to relax. It was the memory of the second time he ever met Howard Donald which came immediately to his mind: the words ‘I like a challenge’ leaving his lips without hesitation as he looked into Jason’s eyes. And knowing what he knew now: knowing Howard’s shyness with strangers and his tendency to mumble and avoid eye contact when he felt the scrutinizing gaze of others, Jason knew the significance in that simple moment, realised its place in their story and the relevance the moment still held. Where Jason always kept his promises, Howard always rose to his challenges – it was one of their greatest strengths, as a pair, that each one’s fierceness spurred the other on, determination and wilfulness focusing their energies and giving them the ability to keep getting back up every time life knocked them down, every time they knocked each other back by accident or even knocked each other out through carelessness and words said in anger. They were both too quick to jump sometimes – too fiery, too fierce, too blindly stubborn not to clash from time to time.
“Jay?” Howard’s voice broke – hesitantly – into Jason’s thoughts and he smiled slightly.
“Yes?”
“I don’t ask for a lot, you know.” God, he could almost hear Howard starting to smile, knew all too well the playful light that would be dancing his eyes, the open affection in his face. Jason chuckled, knowing the response and suddenly all too glad to give it.
“No. Just everything I’ve got,” he replied. Howard chuckled.
“True. But you get everything I’ve got too. Even the stupidity. And the stubbornness.”
“And the mess?” Jason asked, arching an eyebrow.
“You brought your own share of that,” Howard countered, love and sadness cracking his voice and making Jason smile.
“Organized chaos,” he said quietly.
“Beautiful disaster,” Howard agreed, and Jason laughed softly, tipping his head in acknowledgement – although Howard couldn’t see him, somehow he knew he would sense the gesture all the same. “So, what do you say, Jay?”
Jason didn’t take much time to think. Slowly, he pushed himself up from the floor, taking care to move quietly as he placed his hand on the door handle and gently pulled the door back, stepping aside to let it open, leaning his weight against the doorframe and looking down to where Howard sat. As the door swung away behind him, Howard – taken by surprise – half-fell back, stopped only from being sent sprawling by the presence of Jason’s legs. Jason couldn’t help but chuckle, looking down at him with amusement as Howard looked back up, his expression earnest, annoyed and amused. Jason tilted his head slightly, his smile twisting in a look of mischief and affection, and Howard’s answering smile was tender and sweet, even as he raised his eyebrows in expectation of an answer. Jason’s eyes sparkled.
“I think you’ve got yourself a deal, Howard Donald,” he said in a low voice that somehow conveyed the very depths of his feeling more than the words he said possibly could – and from the look in Howard’s eyes, Jason knew he’d heard the words left unsaid, the history and stories and secrets that went unspoken were acknowledged somewhere in those glittering blue eyes, and the way he looked up at him then, the way his eyes focused only on him, the way the light danced across his handsome, roughish face made Jason’s breath catch in his throat.
Slowly, simultaneously, the two of them lowered the phones from their ears, and Howard pushed himself to his feet, his hands coming to rest almost immediately on Jason’s hips as he pulled him close. His touch was rough and instinctive, and Jason’s eyes fluttered closed as he felt his fingertips slip beneath the hem of his shirt. His face was close; he could hear his heartbeat, feel his breath on his skin, and he let Howard tug him closer still, leaning into his tall, hard body and wrapping his arms around his neck in a movement which was somehow effortless and graceful, as though the two of them were following choreography, well-rehearsed and performed to perfection. The kiss was slow. Tender. Purposeful. Jason could feel the slight scratch of Howard’s stubble on his skin, was aware of the tickle of his dark curls against his fingers as he buried his hands in his hair. Howard’s scent was spicy-sweet, like chocolate and cinnamon, and Jason smiled and drew himself still closer, deepening the kiss. Howard ran his hands along the elegant curve of Jason’s spine, grinned as he felt the ridges of his fingertips dragging slightly against the nape of his neck. Always the dancer, Jason twisted against him in a perfect, seamless curve – there was a beauty in it that Howard briefly pulled back to appreciate, pausing the kiss for a moment to catch his breath and look at the graceful way Jason leant back in his arms to look up into his face.
“What?” Jason asked him, amusement dancing in his starry blue eyes, so suddenly alive and joyful that Howard couldn’t help but grin. It was all he’d wanted for so long now and to actually see it was glorious.
“Nothing. I just love you.” Jason’s lips curved up into a smile.
“Good answer,” he replied softly, kissing Howard’s temple before pulling back to meet his eyes once more. “I just love you too, you know.” He shrugged slightly, rolling his eyes and glancing down. “It never scares me. But it overwhelms me sometimes. So I panic. And then I overthink…and need space to unravel it all.” Howard smiled sadly, reaching up to touch a finger to Jason’s chin, bringing his gaze back up to meet his own.
“Hey, I know you, remember?” He kissed Jason’s forehead before leaning their foreheads together and looking back into Jason’s eyes intently. “I don’t take it personally. And I don’t back down.” He shrugged. “Those are the rules of loving Jason Orange, right?” Jason laughed softly, nodding and reaching up to press a kiss to the corner of Howard’s lips.
“You said you liked a challenge,” he reminded gently and Howard chuckled.
“You asked me to stay, Jay. And you can throw what you like at me, but I won’t go.”
“And that’s why I let you make me trust. And make me give. And make me believe. And make me hope.” Jason closed his eyes and swallowed, curling himself more closely into the protective circle of Howard’s arms. “Because it’s not scary when it’s you. It’s just what I have to do.” His lips formed a slow smile that lit up his whole face and Howard’s heart stuttered slightly against his ribs. “I don’t have faith in much, How – but I have faith in you.”
Jason felt Howard’s fingers brush tenderly at the nape of his neck, felt him rest his cheek against the top of his head and squeeze him tight.
“You first told me you loved me just before dawn,” Howard murmured after a moment. “And you were in my arms. And everything was quiet. And you knew that I had the power to break you…but not even the slightest idea of using it.” Howard lifted his head to kiss the top of Jason’s before resting his cheek back there once more. “Mum told me – I don’t know when this was, not long after she’d met you I think – she told me: ‘You look at him like he’s the sun’ and all I could think all the way home was that she was wrong: I look at him like he’s everything – isn’t it obvious I look at him like he’s everything? Because you’re everything, Jay. You are. And changing you…breaking you…it’d be unforgivable.” Howard pulled back and Jason looked up at him silently, their eyes meeting in a heartbeat. “You’re the love of my life. My best friend. You’re hell, you’re a mystery, you’re light and shade and a hundred million other things. You’re daft, and you’re the funniest bloke I know…and you’re my favourite song in human form and the most spectacular showman I’ve ever seen. You know too much about too much and it’s fascinating just to listen to you talk. You’re crazy and hopeless and amazing. And you’re gorgeous, Jay. You’re stunning – even though you don’t know it and never believe it, it’s still true. And if I have to fight with you, Jay, if I have to sit on the other side of that door the whole day…as long as you know that I’ll never give up on you? Then I’m ok. And even though it’s messy, we’ll always be ok. However long it takes – in the end, you and me? We’re ok. Because we’re too stubborn to let it go any other way. I promise. So…are we ok?” Jason smiled slightly and nodded, wrapping his arms more tightly around Howard and letting out a breath, letting his muscles sink against Howard’s until really it was only Howard’s strength keeping them up. Howard kissed the top of his head and Jason closed his eyes, burying his face against him.
“Yeah. We’re ok. In our own way…I think we might be better than ok, eventually.”
“Jay, will you slow down for one minute, please?” Howard pressed in a low growl, unable to completly quell the defensive annoyance he felt, the stubborn need within him to somehow ‘win’ the argument bubbling up briefly as Jason strode purposefully up the final flight of stairs. The look Jason gave him was all ice on the surface, but Howard knew him too well to be fooled by the mask and he caught the scared, wounded look that briefly danced across Jason’s handsome features and it all but extinguished any lingering frustration Howard felt at their afternoon disintegrating into a fight he didn’t want to be responsible for causing.
Jason turned away from Howard sharply and focused his eyes forwards, unable to do anything else for fear he’d just crumble then and there. And he was so tired of feeling like he was falling apart, he so badly wanted to avoid going there again. Besides, if he opened his mouth to speak – if he avoided just breaking down – the chances were he’d only say something stupid, something irrevocably damaging which he would regret bitterly later, once his anger had simmered down and he was able to think clearly again. “Jay.” It was softer this time – a plea not an argument – and Jason risked another glance back over his shoulder, pausing briefly at the top of the stairs, causing Howard to jerk to a halt too, leaning on the bannister, looking up at him expectantly.
The anger had disappeared from his face, and there was no more fear or confusion in his eyes – now Howard was looking at him with a sorry, sympathetic expression that Jason knew should have calmed him, should have instantly put a stop to his anger and doused the sparks of this fight without another word needing to be spoken. But for reasons he didn’t fully understand himself, the moment stung him, provoked a new rush of bitter hurt within him and stirred up his irritation once again. He tightened his grip on the banister. God, he was tired of people just making decisions for him, just taking everything out of his hands – if he had no power over anything else, he at least wanted power over how this fight would end.
“Just. Stop.” Howard’s eyes were winter-blue and piercing as Jason met his stare, and Jason had to swallow hard to stop a choke of emotion from cracking his words. “Can you please just leave? Is that too much to ask? Because I can’t talk to you right now – I won’t talk to you right now – and this whole conversation is just pointless anyway.” He saw the tiniest flinch in Howard’s face, but there was still a tenderness to his stare that was unsettling and soothing all at once. Jason closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath.
“Jay.” There it was again. Soft, whispered and scratchy. A thousand different times he’d heard this man say his name – they played through his mind in that moment, and he wondered if he’d ever heard anyone make his name seem to mean so many different things, sometimes all at once. There was history in it, and whispered confessions. Memories. Kisses. Fights. Jokes. Loss. Promises. Hope. All the times when all Howard had had to say was ‘Jay’ and suddenly everything had been ok again, or better than ok…Jason turned away and blinked back a sudden rush of tears from his eyes.
“Please, How. Just…go. Just leave me alone, ok?” He sighed and tried to collect himself, but with little effect. “I’ve just…I’ve had enough for today,” he added in a murmur, risking a glance back at Howard once more. That usually mischievous, handsome face of his was almost expressionless, but those wolfish eyes were bright and concerned. His lips briefly twitched up at one corner, a sad smile that was as defeated as Jason had ever seen on his face. Even in the heat of a fight, even in despair and frustration and anger, even in total exhaustion with the world – even in this tense, silent moment in the stairwell – they loved each other, they knew each other. Jason glanced away quickly, sensing a little of his anger begin to ebb out of him, giving way to an exhaustion he felt all the way to his bones. Everything ached and some traitorous part of him wanted nothing more than to fall into Howard’s arms and forget everything – forget why he was mad, forget what Howard had said, forget his insistence Howard leave and instead just be held for a while. Counterintuitive and hypocritical as it may seem, he craved it and had to find some deep reserves of energy to force himself not to give in to it. God, it had been such a very long day. No, it had been a long few months. Slowly Jason turned and began to trudge up the remaining stairs. He didn’t hear Howard’s footsteps behind him as he made his way towards their apartment door. A part of him was grateful. A larger part of him was close to total devastation at the thought Howard might actually, truly not follow him home.
For a moment Howard didn’t move from his place on the stairs, watching silently as Jason walked away from him. He knew he had a choice to make: stay or go, give or give in, ignore a plea or break a promise. It was like something inside of him was knotted up, making it hard to breathe and even harder to think.
There were days when it was like nothing had happened to the two of them and there were days where happiness and relief threatened to overwhelm them – those days were frequent, glorious and deceptive. Because then there were days like today: days when the rain came back and exposed all the fault lines at once, bringing out insecurities and misunderstandings and making them suddenly unsure of each other in a way which they had never been before. And Howard knew it probably wouldn’t go away until they had it out – until something forced the issue and put an end to the fears and faltering. This fight had to end in resolution rather than just a night of silence and pretence that nothing had happened by the time the sun came up the next day. Howard wasn’t sure he could take the ache of another one of these Lightning Bolt Fights, after all. He wasn’t sure he could go on seeing that haunted looked flare up in Jason’s eyes. He rubbed a hand over his face and sighed heavily. His body felt heavy all of a sudden and he wanted nothing more than to chase after Jason and grab him up, pull him close and kiss his face ‘til he wrapped his arms around him and the world began to turn once more. But he knew he owed it to Jason to ignore the selfishness of the impulse. Jason rarely asked people he cared about to leave, after all. Howard knew. Howard understood a lot of things about the way Jason spoke certain words. Stay. Thank you. Goodnight. No. Ok. Please. Leave. Don’t. Howard. Love. He knew he had seen tears glittering in Jason’s eyes just now. He knew how rarely Jason let anyone see him cry. So Howard took a moment to clear his head of whatever remained of his frustration, breathing deeply and closing his eyes. But – he promised himself – this was a pause and not a surrender.
When Howard finally made it to the apartment door he found it locked. For a moment he thought about turning around, trudging back down the stairs and heading out. It would be easy to let the dust settle, to go and walk down by Salford Quays and wallow for a bit. But since when was easy his and Jason’s way? He fished his keys out and opened the door as carefully and quietly as he could, taking in the stillness of the apartment for a moment before he shut the door. Stillness, but not emptiness, he had to remind himself of that these days. It was comforting to look around and see traces of Jason’s presence – he didn’t think he’d ever take that for granted again. He glanced around the room and a half-smile touched his lips as he took in Jason’s bag, discarded on the sofa, the two used mugs still sitting in the sink from that morning, the paperback lying at an angle on the coffee table. Dumping his own bag on the floor by the door, Howard sighed and headed down the corridor.
As he came to the bedroom door, he hesitated, briefly letting his hand rest on the handle and closing his eyes. He raised his other hand to knock, then stilled before his knuckles grazed the wood, letting both his hands drop to his sides. He closed his eyes and squeezed them tightly shut. Howard Donald was brave and he was stubborn. But he loved Jason. If the door was closed it was closed for a reason – and besides, it wasn’t as though one door was the greatest divide which had ever been placed between them. How many times, Howard wondered idly, had they spent hours whispering to each other down the phone, sharing secrets when they couldn’t sleep, all but oblivious to the miles which lay between them. He smiled slightly and turned, pressing his back against the door and sliding down it slowly, pulling his knees up to his chest and tipping his head back against the wood. He placed his palms flat against the floor and drummed out a dull, repetitive beat with his fingertips. It couldn’t have been more than a minute before he heard a movement behind him – what sounded like someone sliding down the door of the other side, sitting down behind him on the ground. One glance at the slight gap beneath the door confirmed it – shadow where there had been light. Jason had heard him, somehow. And the first step to closing the distance between them had been made. Howard chuckled slightly, shaking his head to himself before reaching into his pocket and pulling out his phone.
On the other side of the door, Jason flattened his back against the smooth wood and pulled his knees up to his chest. He was chewing on his lip, listening out for the sound of Howard drumming his fingers against the floor once more, but the sound didn’t come. He glanced down to make sure Howard’s shadow was still there and he couldn’t help the slight smile that touched his lips when he saw it still was. Always was a stubborn one, Howard Donald. And in that moment, with that thought, the last of his anger was somehow forgotten – there was still a slight ache of sadness, the smallest of wounds still stinging lightly and stopping him from just wrenching the door open then and there and declaring all was forgiven. But it was enough to know he would forgive him, eventually. It was enough to be able to admit he’d panicked, overreacted and let a poor choice of words, a few misunderstandings and a difference of opinion collide into one, overwrought argument. He’d let everything that had happened get the better of him and he hated it – he’d let all the mistakes and questions and stresses from Emily and his family and the police cloud his judgement, twist his view of the world. He sighed heavily and tipped his head back, looking up at the ceiling and taking a moment to try and remember the emptiness of his apartment before he’d met Howard, tried to remember a time before absent-minded drum beats were tapped out on every surface, someone was always humming or laughing or muttering away to themselves. Before there was always a mobile phone going off somewhere.
Jason started slightly then as the sound of something buzzing faintly interrupted his thoughts. As though on some cosmic cue, his mobile was vibrating in his pocket, buzzing against his keys with an insistent rattle that demanded attention. And when he pulled it out, his lips twisted into a lopsided smile and he shook his head with a mixture of disbelief and fond despair. What even was his life before Howard Donald? Was it less ridiculous? It was certainly less fun. He rolled his eyes and brought the phone up to his ear, connecting the call and letting out a small sigh as he leant back against the door.
“Hey, you.” Howard’s voice was rough and warm like coffee and Jason closed his eyes, sinking back a little more against the door. Howard’s breath down the line was enough to calm him somehow. Memories of late nights and early mornings, curled together and just listening, just touching, flooded his mind, setting his senses somehow on alert at once – it was a ritual that made them both feel safe and at home, for reasons they didn’t fully understand but never questioned. Jason swallowed.
“You could just open the door, you know,” he pointed out softly, brushing the very last remnants of tears from the corners of his eyes and biting back a fond smile.
“Could’ve done. But some daft bastard’s sitting on the other side of it,” Howard pointed out, his tone earnestly serious but an edge of mischief just about detectable to Jason’s well-trained ear. He didn’t fight his smile this time, closing his eyes once more instead and letting a calming silence fall over the two of them. “You want to talk about it?” Howard asked after a short while had passed. His voice was gentle, tender and honest and Jason wondered how many times he’d heard that tone, heard that exact question from Howard’s lips. That question spanned miles and countries and time zones, it had spanned continents and arguments and countless fears – that question had been whispered against his skin at 3a.m. and murmured down phone-lines at midnight. And the beauty of it was that he was never required to answer, let alone to actually talk. And yet, somehow, he always did. Sometimes the moment the question was asked, sometimes later in the conversation, sometimes days and weeks would pass before he answered, but the moment always came. Howard was the safest place Jason had ever known. And after everything, he suddenly realised, he appreciated that more than words could really say.
“No,” he answered eventually, then sighed. “The last thing I want to do is talk,” he added in a murmur. “But if I don’t talk I’ll probably just keep fighting with you. And I don’t want to fight with you, How. Because so much stuff has been messed up and broken over the years, and I’m not sure I can cope if you and me got messed up and broken too.”
“Hey, come on now – we’re messy, maybe. But never broken.” There was a smile in Howard’s voice that made Jason smile too, ever so slightly.
“I thought I asked you to go,” he pointed out suddenly and Howard let out a low chuckle.
“Oh now you remember.” Jason could almost hear his grin, the playful roll of his eyes. Then there was a pause and a sigh. “How many times have you asked me to stay, though?” Howard asked him then, his voice dropped to a faint whisper. Jason’s smile softened and he looked down at the ring on his finger thoughtfully. “That’s the funny thing about you, Jay: you don’t ask people to go, and you don’t ask people to stay. They’re the two words that scare you the most. But you trusted me with both of them. And…I know you wouldn’t ask me to go if you didn’t trust me not to listen.”
“And I wouldn’t trust you with a ‘stay’ if I didn’t know you’re too stubborn to leave anyway,” Jason finished the sentiment for him, nodding his head slightly in acceptance of his own peculiar quirk.
Silence fell between the two of them again then. A comfortable silence, though not an entirely contented one. Mistakes and words said too harshly hung in the air between them like cobwebs and exhaustion weighed heavily on both of their shoulders. But still they didn’t move. They just listened to each other’s breathing and closed their eyes. The sensation was oddly like the brief brush of fingertips; an intimate kind of almost.
“I’m sorry.” Howard broke into the quiet at last. Jason closed his eyes.
“I’m sorry too,” he whispered back. “I know you weren’t trying to speak for me, but it just felt-”
“I know.” And the thing was: he did know, Jason realised. He knew. And he understood. And he was there, ready and willing to let go or hold tighter according only to his instructions. So why had he been so convinced Howard was out to stifle him? Why – even if it had just been for a few minutes – had he been so afraid of this man who had always known when to take and relinquish control? Jason was about to apologize again when Howard’s rough, plaintive voice cut into his thoughts. “I’ll come to the hearings if you want me there. And I’ll come talk to Justin and I’ll let you deal with the liaisons officers on your own and if they call and you’re not there I won’t take the decision on what to do out of your hands…I won’t tell Gaz you’re not up to something just because I’m feeling selfish, I won’t tell Kathryn and Ben that I don’t think you’re ok if you want them to think you are…” He faltered then but Jason waited, able to hear the sound of Howard drawing in a deep breath and knowing he needed to get whatever it was off his chest. “All I need, Jay…all I need is for you to be ok. Or your version of ok. And if you’re not there, if you’re not fine and I’m not fine then I just…I just need to know. Even if your way of letting me know is to sit in silence on the other side of the door – just don’t forget that I know you. Don’t assume I’m looking for a way to make you not ok when I’m just…trying to bring that smile back to your face again. If you want to lock me out, if you want to not talk – that’s fine by me. But I won’t leave you. I’ll stay, even if it’s just on the other side of the door. I’ll sit here ‘til morning if that’s what you need to feel ok again, Jay. I just want to see your eyes alive again.”
And just like that, Jason felt the last of the bands around his chest snap free; he could breathe more easily again somehow, he could feel his tense, tired muscles start to relax. It was the memory of the second time he ever met Howard Donald which came immediately to his mind: the words ‘I like a challenge’ leaving his lips without hesitation as he looked into Jason’s eyes. And knowing what he knew now: knowing Howard’s shyness with strangers and his tendency to mumble and avoid eye contact when he felt the scrutinizing gaze of others, Jason knew the significance in that simple moment, realised its place in their story and the relevance the moment still held. Where Jason always kept his promises, Howard always rose to his challenges – it was one of their greatest strengths, as a pair, that each one’s fierceness spurred the other on, determination and wilfulness focusing their energies and giving them the ability to keep getting back up every time life knocked them down, every time they knocked each other back by accident or even knocked each other out through carelessness and words said in anger. They were both too quick to jump sometimes – too fiery, too fierce, too blindly stubborn not to clash from time to time.
“Jay?” Howard’s voice broke – hesitantly – into Jason’s thoughts and he smiled slightly.
“Yes?”
“I don’t ask for a lot, you know.” God, he could almost hear Howard starting to smile, knew all too well the playful light that would be dancing his eyes, the open affection in his face. Jason chuckled, knowing the response and suddenly all too glad to give it.
“No. Just everything I’ve got,” he replied. Howard chuckled.
“True. But you get everything I’ve got too. Even the stupidity. And the stubbornness.”
“And the mess?” Jason asked, arching an eyebrow.
“You brought your own share of that,” Howard countered, love and sadness cracking his voice and making Jason smile.
“Organized chaos,” he said quietly.
“Beautiful disaster,” Howard agreed, and Jason laughed softly, tipping his head in acknowledgement – although Howard couldn’t see him, somehow he knew he would sense the gesture all the same. “So, what do you say, Jay?”
Jason didn’t take much time to think. Slowly, he pushed himself up from the floor, taking care to move quietly as he placed his hand on the door handle and gently pulled the door back, stepping aside to let it open, leaning his weight against the doorframe and looking down to where Howard sat. As the door swung away behind him, Howard – taken by surprise – half-fell back, stopped only from being sent sprawling by the presence of Jason’s legs. Jason couldn’t help but chuckle, looking down at him with amusement as Howard looked back up, his expression earnest, annoyed and amused. Jason tilted his head slightly, his smile twisting in a look of mischief and affection, and Howard’s answering smile was tender and sweet, even as he raised his eyebrows in expectation of an answer. Jason’s eyes sparkled.
“I think you’ve got yourself a deal, Howard Donald,” he said in a low voice that somehow conveyed the very depths of his feeling more than the words he said possibly could – and from the look in Howard’s eyes, Jason knew he’d heard the words left unsaid, the history and stories and secrets that went unspoken were acknowledged somewhere in those glittering blue eyes, and the way he looked up at him then, the way his eyes focused only on him, the way the light danced across his handsome, roughish face made Jason’s breath catch in his throat.
Slowly, simultaneously, the two of them lowered the phones from their ears, and Howard pushed himself to his feet, his hands coming to rest almost immediately on Jason’s hips as he pulled him close. His touch was rough and instinctive, and Jason’s eyes fluttered closed as he felt his fingertips slip beneath the hem of his shirt. His face was close; he could hear his heartbeat, feel his breath on his skin, and he let Howard tug him closer still, leaning into his tall, hard body and wrapping his arms around his neck in a movement which was somehow effortless and graceful, as though the two of them were following choreography, well-rehearsed and performed to perfection. The kiss was slow. Tender. Purposeful. Jason could feel the slight scratch of Howard’s stubble on his skin, was aware of the tickle of his dark curls against his fingers as he buried his hands in his hair. Howard’s scent was spicy-sweet, like chocolate and cinnamon, and Jason smiled and drew himself still closer, deepening the kiss. Howard ran his hands along the elegant curve of Jason’s spine, grinned as he felt the ridges of his fingertips dragging slightly against the nape of his neck. Always the dancer, Jason twisted against him in a perfect, seamless curve – there was a beauty in it that Howard briefly pulled back to appreciate, pausing the kiss for a moment to catch his breath and look at the graceful way Jason leant back in his arms to look up into his face.
“What?” Jason asked him, amusement dancing in his starry blue eyes, so suddenly alive and joyful that Howard couldn’t help but grin. It was all he’d wanted for so long now and to actually see it was glorious.
“Nothing. I just love you.” Jason’s lips curved up into a smile.
“Good answer,” he replied softly, kissing Howard’s temple before pulling back to meet his eyes once more. “I just love you too, you know.” He shrugged slightly, rolling his eyes and glancing down. “It never scares me. But it overwhelms me sometimes. So I panic. And then I overthink…and need space to unravel it all.” Howard smiled sadly, reaching up to touch a finger to Jason’s chin, bringing his gaze back up to meet his own.
“Hey, I know you, remember?” He kissed Jason’s forehead before leaning their foreheads together and looking back into Jason’s eyes intently. “I don’t take it personally. And I don’t back down.” He shrugged. “Those are the rules of loving Jason Orange, right?” Jason laughed softly, nodding and reaching up to press a kiss to the corner of Howard’s lips.
“You said you liked a challenge,” he reminded gently and Howard chuckled.
“You asked me to stay, Jay. And you can throw what you like at me, but I won’t go.”
“And that’s why I let you make me trust. And make me give. And make me believe. And make me hope.” Jason closed his eyes and swallowed, curling himself more closely into the protective circle of Howard’s arms. “Because it’s not scary when it’s you. It’s just what I have to do.” His lips formed a slow smile that lit up his whole face and Howard’s heart stuttered slightly against his ribs. “I don’t have faith in much, How – but I have faith in you.”
Jason felt Howard’s fingers brush tenderly at the nape of his neck, felt him rest his cheek against the top of his head and squeeze him tight.
“You first told me you loved me just before dawn,” Howard murmured after a moment. “And you were in my arms. And everything was quiet. And you knew that I had the power to break you…but not even the slightest idea of using it.” Howard lifted his head to kiss the top of Jason’s before resting his cheek back there once more. “Mum told me – I don’t know when this was, not long after she’d met you I think – she told me: ‘You look at him like he’s the sun’ and all I could think all the way home was that she was wrong: I look at him like he’s everything – isn’t it obvious I look at him like he’s everything? Because you’re everything, Jay. You are. And changing you…breaking you…it’d be unforgivable.” Howard pulled back and Jason looked up at him silently, their eyes meeting in a heartbeat. “You’re the love of my life. My best friend. You’re hell, you’re a mystery, you’re light and shade and a hundred million other things. You’re daft, and you’re the funniest bloke I know…and you’re my favourite song in human form and the most spectacular showman I’ve ever seen. You know too much about too much and it’s fascinating just to listen to you talk. You’re crazy and hopeless and amazing. And you’re gorgeous, Jay. You’re stunning – even though you don’t know it and never believe it, it’s still true. And if I have to fight with you, Jay, if I have to sit on the other side of that door the whole day…as long as you know that I’ll never give up on you? Then I’m ok. And even though it’s messy, we’ll always be ok. However long it takes – in the end, you and me? We’re ok. Because we’re too stubborn to let it go any other way. I promise. So…are we ok?” Jason smiled slightly and nodded, wrapping his arms more tightly around Howard and letting out a breath, letting his muscles sink against Howard’s until really it was only Howard’s strength keeping them up. Howard kissed the top of his head and Jason closed his eyes, burying his face against him.
“Yeah. We’re ok. In our own way…I think we might be better than ok, eventually.”