Don't Screw This One Up
Prologue
It was too late – or perhaps too early – when Howard finally tumbled into the peace of their home, disorientated and dishevelled, looking for all the world like a ship that had got itself wrecked in calm waters. Should any outsider have been looking in, they could have been forgiven for thinking that Howard had somehow stumbled through the wrong door, landing in a neighbour’s apartment and not his own, for he did look so out of place amidst the warmth and order of the room. The dishwasher hummed to itself from the kitchen but almost everything else lay still and silent. The kitchen sparkled softly in the semi-darkness whilst the living room was lit only by a dim lamp which sat on the desk by the window. That and the city lights which shone outside. Howard timidly scanned the living room; the television was silenced and the sofa empty but for its plumped cushions. And then finally he saw the sight he had half-dreaded and half-hoped for. Jason was curled up in the small armchair in the corner, a book in his lap, though Howard somehow doubted much of it had been read. There was an empty wine glass on the coffee table and for some reason that sent a chill through Howard. Jason rarely drank alone.
Howard himself stood just inside the door, wavering slightly on his feet, his hair more tangled than tousled, his jacket hanging off him at odd angles and a lack of focus to his eyes. He swayed and Jason’s eyes slowly came up to look at him; bright and alert as ever. Another wave of something – shame maybe? – came over Howard and his swallowed awkwardly, finding the taste horrible and wrinkling his nose. Jason closed his book softly, resting his hand on top of it and fixing Howard with his quiet gaze, letting out a small sigh as he tilted his head to one side.
“Well you must have had quite the night. Do you remember much of it?” he asked in a voice so gentle it terrified Howard. He swayed slightly once more but Jason’s stare remained unbroken. He saw everything and somewhere in the fog of his brain Howard realised it was just one of the many things he loved about this man. There was a muddled ache of guilt and affection somewhere in his heart but he hadn’t the conscious mind or the strength to piece it together and rescue this situation.
“Um...” was the only sound that escaped Howard’s lips and Jason simply nodded, expecting as much but not enjoying being proved right this time. He pushed himself up from the chair, leaving his book on the coffee table and collecting his wine glass. Silently he moved towards the sink and instinctively Howard followed him, standing awkwardly in the middle of the kitchen as Jason washed out the glass. The air didn’t crackle with tension, but it was far from the easy silence they usually enjoyed.
“Aren’t you slightly too young to be having a mid-life crisis?” Jason remarked sharply, turning to look at Howard again. Howard scrunched up his face.
“That’s not it, Jay,” he managed to mumble and Jason nodded slowly, looking at the floor with a hint of sadness. Howard felt bad but he was so tired, he didn’t want to do this now, he wanted his bed. Jason folded his arms and looked up into his eyes again. Howard looked away.
“No. And yet here we are...” he murmured. Howard could feel his stare on him, seeing right through him, forcing him to look into those eyes once more. Those bright blue eyes which glittered dimly with a mixture of tears and honest, earnest, love.
“What are you doing up anyway?” Howard asked defensively. A whisper of a smile touched Jason’s lips.
“Loving you,” he replied simply and without another word Jason pressed a kiss to Howard’s cheek before stepping around him and making his way down the corridor. Howard barely noticed the distant thud of the bedroom door closing him out. All he noticed was that voice at the back of his head. The one that told him the moment had come. He’d screwed it up. Just like all the others.
Chapter One
Two months earlier...
Howard stretched out on the small orange sofa as best he could and cast a smile in the direction of its owner, Crystal, who merely shrugged. He loved his friends, he really did, but he lamented their taste in sofas. Jason wouldn’t put up with this modern, trendy, comfort-irrelevant monstrosity, that much he knew. Style, perhaps, but never over comfort. Howard knew, however, that this sort of furniture was a hazard of the job. His husband on the other hand? Well he was a different matter entirely. Unique was the best word, he concluded with silent gratitude.
He tried to rub out the crick in his neck from sleeping on Crystal’s sofa but to no avail, he supposed he should be used to it by now, it happened every time he came to Berlin. Crystal had known Howard since the very beginnings of his career as a DJ. She had attempted to teach him German – but the woman only had so much patience. She always offered up her sofa – Howard never told her how uncomfortable it was and she pretended she didn’t realise just to ensure she kept his company. And one of the things Howard liked most about Crystal? She made him laugh. She was playful and just a little crazy and everything about her screamed fun, from her apartment to her fingernails. He was almost tempted to label her ‘kooky’ or ‘quirky’ but they sounded to him more like thinly veiled insults so he tried never to use them.
“Morning lazy-bones,” Crystal grinned mischievously, the barest whisper of her German accent showing through her perfect English, making his broken German seem something beyond embarrassing. With a sheepish grin he shuffled the small space towards her kitchen. Her flat was the size of a postage stamp but she never complained and Howard was too well-behaved to ever mention it. She loved having him to stay so he simply tried to make himself more compact.
“Be fair, I was out ‘til...” he squinted at the clock on the wall, closing one eye and then the other in an attempt to clear his vision of sleep. Crystal laughed.
“You were only out ‘til three. And I was with you! Besides, it’s nearly midday now,” she teased, handing him a mug of coffee. Howard pulled a face but thanked her for the coffee with an impish wink.
“Yeah, well, Manchester is an hour behind,” he protested after a sip. Crystal sighed overdramatically.
“I thought England was the country, when did Manchester get independence exactly?” she questioned, tapping a glittery fingernail to her lips in a show of deep contemplation.
“You are an evil little pixie,” Howard huffed playfully.
“Oh please – if Jason asked, the Queen would give him the city and declare Manchester a country. Like that,” Crystal enthused, clicking her fingers for emphasis. Howard couldn’t help but chuckle. Crystal made no secret of the fact she fancied Jason. They had only met in person once – at the wedding, as it happened – but she’d heard and seen more than enough. She had admitted to being a little bit in love and so Jason had, for his part, promised her that the day Howard left him he’d be on the first plane to Berlin.
“Jay is beautiful, but I’m not sure he’s Her Majesty’s type,” Howard remarked and Crystal gasped in outrage. Howard was fairly certain the outrage wasn’t feigned.
“Well if she won’t have ‘im...” she pouted softly, nibbling on a biscuit and Howard chuckled.
“I’ll rephrase; I’m not sure she’s his type,” he grinned and he saw a glint in Crystal’s eye.
“Oh come on, How, he flirts with everyone!” she pointed out and Howard couldn’t deny it.
“What is your hang-up with my husband?!” he asked her after a beat and she rolled her bright green eyes with great exaggeration.
“I’m not even answering that question! Come on, drink your coffee – we have to get you to the airport soon remember. Fly you back to Heaven’s Arms...and eyes...and torso!!” she lamented before breezing out of the kitchen, leaving Howard to his laughter.
***
Grace and Izzy sat huddled together in the corner of the school canteen, covertly smuggling Grace’s Haribo into their mouths without anyone seeing. It never ceased to amaze Grace the power that sugar had over her high school and the last thing she wanted was some sort of Haribo riot which, she knew, would result in only one thing; her getting no sweets. With a brief glance at Izzy she could sense more questions coming and she wondered if she preferred interrogation to no sweets. She supposed she did, though the way Izzy was going on she might have to change her mind.
Izzy had been questioning her for weeks now, wanting to know every detail of Grace’s new life. So much had changed since summer that Grace found she was barely able to process the new world in which she lived for herself, never mind relay the details to Izzy. It had all started with her mum’s promotion, just weeks before the new school year started. The promotion was well-earned, of course. But still, there had been a certain feeling of not wanting it. Mostly because it messed up everything. If her mum took the job it meant a move to London. And a move to London meant a new school for Grace. Unless...unless...well, Grace had to admit the ‘unless’ option had been something she’d been secretly toying with for some time. Unless she lived with her dad and Jason. It wouldn’t be so hard for her mum. After all, she was working during the week, weekends and holidays were much better for her. But Grace hadn’t been quite sure how someone aged twelve could suggest something like this to her parents and be taken seriously. That was when Jason had stepped in. Grace had had to hold back her giggles as she had listened to him use every ounce of tact one human being can possess in directing her parents towards the idea with such skill that by the time the move happened – not until the end of the Christmas holidays, admittedly – they were half convinced they’d come up with the plan themselves. Now it was halfway into January and Grace would still find herself surprised to be waking up in Jason and Howard’s apartment, being packed off to school on the back of banter and home-cooked breakfast. Izzy kept assuring her the honeymoon period would end. Grace thought no such thing.
“So come on – has Jay given up yet and just given you cereal?” Izzy asked, popping a fizzy cola bottle in her mouth then taking a shifty glance around the canteen. Break was almost over, judging from the gradually thinning crowd, and she needed to fit in as much chatting as she could before lunch, because she just knew they were in for a test in double maths.
“Well he has to cook my dad’s so he might as well cook for me too,” Grace shrugged, her mind also turning to the possibility of a maths test.
“But your dad’s in Holland!” Izzy pointed out.
“Berlin, but close...sort of...as long as you’re not German...or Dutch...or someone who owns a map...” Grace pondered and Izzy could only roll her eyes, giving Grace a teasing shove.
“Fine, Berlin, but the point still stands,” she said, shaking her head. Grace smiled.
“Yeah well, so does mine. He has to cook his own too doesn’t he? So just trust me Izzy, this one is not going to go wrong any time soon. Now come on, tell me everything you know about Pythagoras and tell me fast!” she retorted and Izzy went slightly pale.
“But I know nothing!” she confessed quietly and Grace giggled.
“I’m not copying off you then!” she joked as the bell went and both girls headed, with a little apprehension, towards almost-certain mathematical failure.
***
As Howard fished his key out from his coat pocket, he cast a brief glance at his watch. Back in time for dinner, he thought with a grin. His head was still ringing slightly from his previous night’s work but his nap on the plane had at least served to perk him up in time for his reunion with his husband. A week away was at least seven days too long for Howard’s liking and he found a rush of energy deep inside his bones as soon as he managed to open the apartment door.
Everything was so quiet that for a moment Howard feared that Jason had forgotten him and opted for an early night. But as his eyes fell on the armchair in the corner, he soon realised his mistake. Staying with Crystal had left him that bit too used to chaos to remember to follow the trail of neatness. The sparkling kitchen, the desk set out so neatly that all of the picture frames were at perfect angles to the laptop, the sofa with a tidy row of contentedly plump cushions. These were not the signs of an empty space, these were the signs of at least an hour’s work on Jason’s part and as Howard’s eyes finally took in the slight figure springing gladly from the armchair he couldn’t help but let out a low chuckle of affection. As he dropped his suitcase, Howard swept Jason into his arms, their bodies colliding with a soft thud. Jason buried himself in Howard’s chest and Howard tightened his grip, spinning the two of them round, so strong was his pleasure at holding Jason to him once more. He planted a lingering kiss in the crook of Jason’s neck and Jason seemed to get the message, letting out a small chuckle of his own.
“I’ve missed you,” he said softly and Howard smiled.
“I’d love to say I missed you too, but Crystal said your name so much I almost forgot you weren’t there,” Howard joked, though he didn’t release Jason from his arms. Jason grinned. It was an unromantic declaration, he supposed, but a part of him revelled in that.
“So in that case you won’t be needing the home-cooked tea I made you since you won’t have been missing it since the moment you left...” Jason began and Howard almost – almost, mind – gasped. Jason’s eyes glittered with mischief as Howard pulled back just enough to see his face. They paused like that a moment, each staring at the other with a look that was something close to enchantment. The corners of Howard’s lips twitched up into a faraway smile.
“You look...” he began but the words momentarily escaped him. He found that he took it for granted sometimes, the way Jason’s whole face shone so quietly. It was a far cry the razzle-dazzle face-light-up look of Mark, or even the bold warmth that Gary could radiate so easily. No, Jason’s face shone modestly with a sort of beauty Howard realised was hard to come by.
“If you say I look ‘well’ then you can take that suitcase straight back out the door you know,” Jason’s warning was crisp and laced with teasing as it cut through Howard’s daydream. Jason hated when people said he looked well; he saw it as nothing more than a carefully disguised enquiry into his health and/or mental stability. Howard shook his head slowly.
“I was going to say you look stunning. But now you mention it...” he began. Jason swatted at him for his troubles.
Howard found it amazing how easily the thought of food slipped from his mind once Jason was in his arms. It was strange but the moments of reunion almost made the going away seem worthwhile. Almost. Everything about Jason suddenly seemed to pull him into love with him all over again. The way his green shirt was pristine and straight against him but for the rumples where Howard’s hands rested, the way his slender fingers danced absently through the curls of hair at the back of Howard’s neck, the way his body seemed to fold against Howard’s own. It was all so reassuringly familiar and yet so entertainingly new that Howard almost tumbled over when Jason finally stepped out of the embrace, casting him a knowing (yet still understanding) smile as he attempted to make a move for the kitchen. The smell of dinner, alluring as it was, was not enough to distract Howard though, he was still too fascinated by the slim curve of Jason’s lips, and in an instant he had taken one of Jason’s hands in his and pulled Jason back to him once more, overpowering him with a kiss so powerful Jason almost neglected to keep himself standing. Howard helped him with this problem, pulling Jason so tightly to him that Jason’s feet nearly left the floor. When the kiss finally ended, Jason looked up at Howard with a smile that somehow reciprocated the love but also managed to add a dash of mischief, eyes gleaming knowingly.
“I thought you didn’t miss me,” he pointed out softly and Howard almost laughed as he replied.
“You win, love; I bloody missed you. A lot.”
***
Mark was a rumpled shadow of the man that had started the day so energetically, Gary mused, but he couldn’t help but smile at the sight of him curled up on the sofa. His waistcoat was creased, his hat on at an angle that was a long way past jaunty and his legs were almost entirely obscured by a sea of blanket. There was always something draining about dinner with the family, Gary supposed, but the combination of both Mark’s family and Gary’s own had been even more tiring than usual. But at least it was over with for another few weeks and they had neatly seen off any ‘But we never see you!’ type phone calls.
As Gary plonked himself down on the sofa, Mark pushed himself up, gladly taking the hot chocolate which Gary offered him and glancing over briefly at the clock.
“It’s earlier than I thought it would be. I thought we’d be there ‘til the restaurant closed. Actually, I thought me Mam would have made us stay after it closed. I thought we’d all be there, sat in the dark, talking about every last cousin and family friend until the sun was coming up...” he mused and Gary laughed, pulling Mark towards him using the tangled blankets.
“You are a drama queen,” he told him bluntly and Mark’s instinctive reaction was to gasp loudly before realising it only served to prove Gary’s point.
“You are...um...urgh, I can’t think of anything right now. You know what I think? I think Jay is so lucky! Ok, so he had to stay and close up the shop so we could leave early but come on. He gets a nice big Howard reunion in return, not a family reunion like us!” Mark sighed, snuggling down against Gary’s side. Gary smiled quietly and nodded, giving Mark’s shoulders a squeeze.
“I know what’s really getting to you...” he said, a glint in his eye. Mark frowned, looking up at Gary in enquiry, pushing himself up a little and almost pouring hot chocolate over them both.
“And what’s that exactly?” he questioned, only the mug in his hands preventing him from putting them on his hips in indignation. Gary chuckled.
“You think Howard will have brought back something exotic from his little European adventure,” he pressed, watching Mark’s expression change as if a part of him had indeed considered this.
“Exotic? In Berlin?” Mark asked at last, puffing his lips out a little.
“Eh, don’t knock Berlin, it’s a lovely city!” Gary replied and Mark raised an eyebrow.
“Um, you would know this how? Your work doesn’t take you further than London. And even that’s a rare adventure!” he grinned, something of a tease hovering in the air.
“Ah, see, that is what this is about! Am I not enough of a jetsetter for you?” Gary shot back with the instant effect of making Mark shake his head dramatically before snuggling even further into Gary’s side. Gary hid his laugh and accepted the gesture by squeezing Mark’s shoulders.
“What do people bring back from Berlin anyway?” Mark mused after a moment, much to Gary’s amusement. If only there was more profit to be made in having such a fascination with presents.
“I don’t know, I only get as far as London remember?” he answered and Mark sighed.
“Little pieces of the Berlin wall...” he said after a beat. Gary smirked.
“I Love Berlin t-shirts?” he offered. Mark smiled at him.
“I don’t love Berlin though, that would be a rubbish gift!” he said and Gary had to wonder where Mark was going with this.
“What have I said about not knocking Berlin! Howard still half-wishes he’d moved there when he had the chance you know. If it wasn’t for Jay, I bet he’d be living there. In a house filled with little bits of the Berlin wall...wearing his favourite I Love Berlin t-shirt...” he countered. Mark thought a moment then shook his head.
“I knocked the t-shirts, not the city,” Mark reminded him and Gary laughed.
“Ok then...where are you going with this, Marko?” he sighed and Mark shrugged.
“I’m going to tell you I don’t love Berlin, I love you. And then I’m going to kiss you,” he said matter-of-factly, casting a sidelong glance at Gary.
“Oh,” Gary said simply and Mark let out a mischievous laugh at his expectant look.
“Eh, I said I’m going to. I didn’t say when though did I!” he retorted and with that he made Gary wait until he’d finished his hot chocolate before he even looked in his direction again.
***
Howard lay curled around Jason on the bed, tracing patterns on his arm. He supposed it might seem strange that, with Grace staying at Izzy’s for the night and him having been gone a week, all the two of them had managed to do since his return was eat, catch up on what they’d each been doing and then fall onto the bed to gaze at each other. But to Howard he loved the intimacy that could be found in their shared normality. Jason’s shirt was a good deal more crumpled now, Howard noted, and he supposed that was his fault, every crease the result of some touch or embrace. He couldn’t help it though, he found himself suddenly fascinated with the feeling of Jason’s warmth in his arms, lost in the steadiness of his breathing and his heartbeat. Jason only smiled at him and, for his part, enjoyed the safety in being held so tightly, exchanging smiles for kisses whenever he felt it appropriate.
“I love you, How,” he told Howard quietly after a suitable amount of time had passed in silence. A tiny frown had lodged itself on his forehead and Howard touched his fingertips lightly against it, gently trying to push it back, instinctively wanting to make whatever was wrong go away.
“I love you too, Jay.” he replied slowly, looking carefully into Jason’s eyes to try and judge what worry it was that was tinting his quiet face. Jason moved a little closer to Howard, desperate to sink into the reassurance of his touch.
“I just worry sometimes...” he began carefully and Howard’s heart stammered nervously.
“About me loving you?” he asked quietly and Jason shook his head, which was now resting right next to Howard’s on the pillow.
“No, that much I don’t doubt at all. It’s just...just about something I can’t put my finger on. I...” he stopped then and Howard looked at him in questioning.
“Go on,” he murmured and Jason bit his lip.
“I just wonder sometimes if you know that I love you. Or if you forget,” he ventured.
“Forget?” Howard frowned and Jason nodded.
“Yes. When you go away you...you forget that I love you. That I miss you,” he replied. Howard’s frown deepened.
“I don’t forget...” he began but Jason smiled at him softly.
“No, How. You do. You think you love me too much, that you miss me too much. And that if you let it show then it’ll bother me. But it wouldn’t, How. Because I love you too, just as much as you love me.”
“But I...” Howard tried again but Jason’s smile simply widened and he rolled his eyes.
“How, I’m not angry. I just...it was on my mind. And I don’t hide things from you.”
“Jay, I know you love me. And I’m so lucky that you do,” Howard insisted, kissing Jason’s forehead once. Jason smiled slightly.
“It’s not luck, How. I just love you, simple as that. Stop talking me up and putting yourself down. And phone me if you want to, don’t presume I won’t want to know.”
“Jay, I...”
“Hey, shh, come on. Get some rest. It’s just information, How. Don’t worry about it, just get some sleep,” Jason murmured and with that he pressed a kiss to Howard’s lips before turning off the bedside lamp and settling back onto his own side of the bed.
***
Howard frowned slightly as he woke up, disorientated by how comfortable he felt and lost as to why rolling over hadn’t sent him tumbling to the floor. As he opened his eyes he found he needed to squint against the light, which should have been an indicator in itself of the fact he was no longer on Crystal’s orange sofa. The blurry skyline he found himself squinting at was another obvious reminder; where the Berlin buildings should have clustered, the hodgepodge of bricks that was Manchester was instead stirring slowly under a heavy blanket of grey. Satisfied as to his location, he closed his eyes once more, taking a moment to savour the comfort in which he was bathed. For a man who rose so early and who so often couldn’t sleep, Jason had a remarkable taste in bedding. The finest mattress, plump pillows, a duvet that rustled as you moved. This, Howard thought to himself, was oh-so-nearly bliss. Now he just needed one more thing and, in an attempt to find it, he rolled over, spreading his arm out to the other side of the bed. When he met with nothing but bedding he let out a dull mumble of protest though he couldn’t quite be bothered to open his eyes.
From where he had been standing in the doorway, Jason chuckled gently. It was nice, he thought, that his husband’s third priority upon waking up was him. He could just about live with being ranked behind location and comfort. Howard’s head moved instinctively towards the sound of his laugh and in response Jason moved across to the bed, sitting down next to his husband, who slowly opened his eyes and sneaked an arm around his waist. Jason leant over at that, kissing Howard briefly on the lips. This was bliss, Howard thought contentedly and as they pulled back he caught Jason’s blue eyes watching him, a smile just visible in their depths. Howard could feel those eyes slowly dragging him into wakefulness and he was powerless to resist it, returning their smile with a goofy grin of his own.
“Morning, love,” he murmured, hardly bothering to move his lips.
“Good to be home?” Jason asked him, arching an eyebrow and Howard responded by tightening his grip around Jason’s waist until Jason was forced to tumble down onto the duvet, curling up quietly in his grip. Howard placed a kiss to the crook of his neck.
“I meant what I said; I missed you. I always do,” he said quietly into Jason’s hair, giving him another kiss for good measure, this time to the top of his head. Jason sank against him a little, closing his eyes. But something told Howard he wasn’t happy. Jason was a master of keeping his head just above the water, a smile on his face for those who needed to see it. Only Howard was ever really allowed to see the struggle going on just beneath the surface.
“I know you did, love. I know.”
“Jay, come on. Talk to me.”
“I am talking to you.”
“Really talk to me, Jay. And I’ll really listen I swear.”
“It’s just...I don’t know...you could have called more, I guess,” Jason told him and Howard’s heart stalled a moment. That was why Jason needed such reassurance. Had he really not called as often as he usually did?
“I’m sorry I just...I get in so late...I don’t want to wake you up,” he said but Jason shook his head.
“I was awake, though. I was waiting,” he said simply. Howard felt awful. He held onto Jason even tighter, pulled his body close. Jason responded in kind, burying his face in the crook of Howard’s neck. Howard could feel his breath on his skin, another reassurance from Jason that they were still close. Sometimes Howard needed to be told the world wasn’t ending, had to be convinced that a talk was just a talk, that they were still close in every way.
“I’m sorry, love. I don’t know why I blanked...but you know what Crystal’s like. I’m never sat still for more than ten seconds with her around. And there’s always at least one stray party-goer hanging around the place. I swear she’s friends with half of Germany,” he sighed. Jason nodded silently.
“You used to call every night. Recently I’ve started to count myself lucky if you call once a trip,” he shrugged and Howard bit his lip. He had missed Jason just as much as he always did. Actually, he’d missed him more. He’d missed Jason so much that he’d cut his set short one night so he could get some fresh air, clear his head and cheer himself up a bit. He didn’t know why he hadn’t used that time to call. He supposed it was because he always thought he was hassling Jason, clinging to him too tightly. He had to let him breathe, no matter how much he missed him. Right?
“Love, I’m so sorry, I honestly didn’t...” he began but he could tell by the way Jason was lying in his arms that somehow his husband had just read his mind. They were still curled together on the bed, Jason’s arm across Howard, Howard’s hand resting on top of that arm, his thumb stroking Jason’s skin. But now all of the tension Jason had been holding onto was gone, his breathing a little deeper, as if he could somehow hear the agony of how much Howard had missed him seeping out in his voice. A small smile twitched the corner of Jason’s face.
“You used to wear a wedding ring too. Any answers for that one?” he questioned gently. Now it was Howard’s turn to tense up, though he took some comfort from the lack of anger in Jason’s tone.
“Oh crap,” Howard groaned and Jason chuckled softly into Howard’s neck.
“Well from your reaction I’m guessing I don’t need to worry about divorce at least.”
“I must have left it at Crystal’s. I swear half my life gets lost down the back of the bloody sofa...I’m so sorry Jay, I’m such a shit husband,” Howard sighed, holding Jason closer. Jason simply laughed again, the feeling of it ticking Howard’s skin.
“Do I look like the kind of man who would marry a ‘shit husband’ to you?” Jason asked, looking up into Howard’s face with a rush of care Howard thought he probably didn’t deserve.
“You don’t look like you deserve one. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this to you but I think I stumbled up a few thousand leagues when I met you...” Howard said earnestly, looking so deflated that Jason didn’t know whether to hug him or smack him.
“You have mentioned it actually, several thousand times. And I keep telling you; you were tailor made for me whether you realise it or not. So when you miss me, you can call me at any hour of the day or night to tell me and I won’t complain. That might stop you from taking off your wedding ring and rubbing it like it’s some sort of magic lantern that’ll bring me to you. And then you might not leave it on an eccentric German’s coffee table. Deal?” Jason offered softly and Howard chuckled a little, shaking his head. He cupped Jason’s face in his hands, tenderly stroking his thumbs against Jason’s face as he looked deep into those bright eyes.
“You freaky psychic man. How do you always know?” Howard asked him playfully. Jason smiled.
“Same way you knew something was wrong when you pulled me into bed with you all of five minutes ago. For someone who married me two years ago, you don’t half forget we love each other quickly,” Jason remarked and Howard could feel his gentle smile through his hands. Silently he pressed a kiss to Jason’s forehead and Jason’s eyes closed.
“Then maybe you should try and remind me,” he smiled down at Jason huskily, his breath brushing against Jason’s face. Jason closed his eyes as Howard dipped his head a little, kissing his closed eyelids. They both knew what would happen next and Jason found he had missed his husband far too much to resist.
***
“Oh. My. Word,” Gary said, standing on the pavement outside the shop, aghast. Mark hopped up behind him, head bobbing up at his shoulder and his shoes making soft clicking sounds on the pavement. He frowned, trying to work out what was wrong with the shop to provoke such a reaction from Gary. But he could find nothing.
“What?” he asked, giving up. Gary waved his hand vaguely at the darkness of the shop.
“Look! It’s not open!! Jay’s...well, he's late,” he pointed out and as realisation dawned on Mark, a sly smile crept onto his lips. He raised his eyebrows at Gary suggestively.
“Jason Orange you little devil! And in the morning! Didn’t know he had it in ‘im. Howard mind you...” he giggled mischievously but Gary cut him off by quickly placing a hand over his mouth.
“Stop. Right there. I don’t want to know,” he blustered, suddenly swift in producing his keys and opening the shop. It was so long since he’d had to open up that he almost forgot which key he needed and as he fumbled Mark’s giggles only increased.
“Aw, Gaz!” he chuckled, following Gary into the dark shop and tossing his hat happily in the direction of a selection of guitars, hardly aware of its perfect landing atop one.
“Marko, I am a good Northern lad. As far as I’m concerned, when married people go home, they drink tea and watch television. Please don’t shatter my dreams,” Gary smiled, a hint of mischief now dancing in his own eyes as he removed his scarf, tossing it in the same direction as Mark’s hat. Mark was using his own scarf to stifle another laugh, his face crinkling along lines left there by a lifetime spent smiling at anyone who met his gaze for long enough.
“We’re married...” Mark began and Gary narrowed his eyes, fighting off his smirk.
“And we drink tea – admittedly we sometimes have biscuits too and we even watch television...” he began and Mark nodded reluctantly.
“Ok, fine. But I’m only agreeing with this because I’m also a good Northern boy and I know that, for the sake of avoiding embarrassment, we good Northern boys all pretend our favourite pastimes are drinking tea and watching television. In fact, that’s what I’ll tell the press when I’m famous. I’m the boy next door...” Mark reeled off, beginning to get carried away. Gary shot him an odd look, taking in Mark’s outfit and smirking affectionately.
“You’re the boy next door in what neighbourhood exactly?” he questioned and Mark’s eyes flashed with a mixture of indignation and amusement.
“A stylish one!” he retorted with a grin and Gary laughed.
“Alright. Actually, speaking of fame...” he began and Mark gasped, suddenly rushing over and grabbing Gary’s arm excitedly. Gary could hardly keep up with him when he was in one of these moods but that only seemed to make him love Mark more.
“Howard’s back now, so...?” Mark prompted hopefully.
“So, I think maybe we should tell him and Jay our news,” Gary smiled back and Mark’s grin broadened.
“Finally!! But; you have to let me give Jay hell first!” he enthused and Gary rolled his eyes, letting Mark give him a kiss on the cheek.
“Poor old Jay. He’s a good Northern lad too you know – he might blush but he’ll still tell you there was something good on the telly and...” Gary began but now it was Mark’s turn to roll his eyes, giving Gary another brief peck on the cheek.
“And that he just put his tea in a larger mug this morning. I know. But the blush will give him away. And Howard? Howard has no shame,” Mark nodded firmly. Poor Jay, Gary thought to himself. But at least it would make sure he was never late to work again.
***
Jason closed his eyes and let the hot shower water wash over his skin. He was trying not to think about being late for work and trying to savour the feeling of relief that had filled every inch of his body when he’d heard the note of genuine regret in Howard’s voice. He’d been wondering to himself all night if he should worry, if he should read something into the fact Howard had hardly called. But when he’d looked into his husband’s eyes all he’d seen was a man convinced he was a nuisance. The stupid thing was, Grace had hardly noticed that he hadn’t called. But then Grace was not the sort of girl to start desperately missing someone until they had been out of her life for at least two weeks. People came and went in her world, that was just how it was. Jason wished he could be so resilient. People came and went a lot in his world too, when he was growing up. But somewhere along the line he’d stopped immunising himself to it. He had chosen people who he trusted not to drift and he relied on their presence more than he cared to admit.
By the time he wandered back down the hall, Howard had finished the bacon butty which had been left out for him and was leafing through the backlog of letters which had been left next to it. Jason smiled with amusement at that. Typical Howard. Go for the food first, deal with the paperwork later. Jason operated in the opposite manner himself and he wondered if it was some sort of miracle that he and Howard could function as a pair at all. Howard looked up then, his brilliantly blue eyes twinkling animatedly as he took in Jason’s still-damp skin. Jason simply rolled his eyes, pulling on the shirt that was in his hands before joining his husband at the breakfast bar and giving him a light kiss on his cheek, looking up at his pout with a smile.
“Look, I’ve just had to have my second shower of the morning. Don’t make me have a third,” he warned gently and Howard narrowed his eyes a little.
“That sounded more like a challenge than a warning to me...” he began and Jason elbowed him playfully in the ribcage, leaning a little against Howard’s shoulder.
“Everything sounds like a challenge to you! I’m already late for work so will you please stop looking so proud of yourself and get a move on?” he pleaded gently and Howard laughed.
“You are going to get so much stick from Mark,” he informed Jason and Jason groaned.
“Don’t say that like it’s a good thing,” he said, pushing himself from Howard’s side and heading towards the door. Howard watched him go a moment before getting down from his stool.
“I love you,” he said softly and Jason paused, turning to look at him with a steady smile in his eyes.
“I love you too,” he replied and with that, the two of them finally left the apartment.
***
Mark swung his legs back and forth, grinning broadly from his place on the counter. Jason looked at him out of the corner of his eye before turning to the next page of his book. So far today he had been baited – by his husband almost as much as by Mark – and had only had the chance for light relief when no less than three customers had come into the shop. Two sets of beginner piano books and one advanced guitar songbook had been flogged and shop-regular Mike had also dropped by, making vague promises about buying the flashy new saxophone from the shop window next time he got a pay check before vanishing with the latest song book of chart music tucked under his arm. For a healthy discount, Jason noted – it was really a miracle Gary made any profit on this place. But, as if by magic, money always ended up in the till. Jason suspected the music lessons they all taught on the side were the only thing that really pulled the business through. Gary himself had done nothing to call off Mark’s cheery teases, however, sticking instead to his piano polishing whilst muttering quietly about it serving him right for neglecting his duty to the shop.
As Jason wondered how long it would be until Mark made another pointed remark, Howard finally emerged with their lunchtime brews and Gary, lured by the McVities packet Howard had remembered to bring from home, followed him in. Jason smiled at Howard as he took one of the mugs in his own hands, blowing on it and closing his eyes a moment. Surely tea would keep Mark quiet, for a little while at least. But no such luck. There was a look in Mark’s eyes and everyone knew that, any minute now, that mischief was about to spill over. Gary gave Jason a small shrug of mild sympathy, tucking into the biscuits and trying to avoid making eye contact.
“So, Jay, you never did tell me, did Howard bring you back anything nice from Berlin?” Mark asked, peeking across at Jason from over the top of his mug.
“I married a menace,” Gary noted as an aside to Howard, who chuckled into his tea. Jason shot the two of them a withering look. Gary looked at him in an attempt at innocence and Jason only looked away when Gary’s biscuit crumbled, with a plop, into his tea. That’d teach him, he thought, before turning back to deal with Mark, who was still beaming from ear to ear.
“You’re really scraping the barrel now, Markie, you know that?” Jason asked him, shaking his head.
“How so?!” Mark protested, unable to hide his put-out pout. Howard’s eyes danced with amusement at the sight of his husband’s feisty sparring but Gary could only muster a chuckle of affection for his own spouse before returning to attempting to fish out the other half of his biscuit from his tea with only one teaspoon.
“Well let’s see; we’ve had the rather predictable ‘What time do you call this?’ remarks with significant enquiry as to what had kept me. Then we moved on to the ‘You look refreshed this morning, what is your secret?’ followed by the somewhat contradictory allusions to me looking worn out...” Jason listed. Howard and Gary’s amusement doubled as Mark drew himself up slightly.
“I believe my phrase was ‘shagged out’ actually...” he began to protest but Jason rolled his eyes.
“It was so subtle I hardly noticed you’d said anything,” he deadpanned, but there was a tiny smile just visible at the edge of his lips. Howard couldn’t decide if that smile was caused by Jason remembering the morning or enjoying the bickering.
“Oo, did I hit too close to home with that one then?!” Mark grinned, leaning over to Jason. A cool as anything, Jason cuffed Mark lightly on the head and pushed him back to his part of the counter.
“I’ll answer the first question instead and just pretend you didn’t say that. Yes, Howard did indeed bring some wonderful souvenirs back from his trip. Several hundred pieces of the Berlin Wall, a couple of ‘I Heart Berlin’ t-shirts and a small German man called Hans. Before you ask? No, Hans does not wear lederhosen, that would be too much of a stereotype for me to cope with. Any more questions before you hop along to the caff in time for the Saturday lunch rush?” Jason smiled swiftly. That did for Howard. He wasn’t sure if it was the invention of Hans the German or the little yelp of surprise and laughter that erupted from Mark when Jason had finished but all in all it proved too much and he almost choked on his tea. Gary too had given up on fishing for his biscuit, laughing that sort of belly laugh that’s so hearty it’s no longer audible. Jason seemed pleased with his work and he jumped down from the counter, setting down his mug before wandering off.
“This isn’t over, Jay!” Mark called after him with a giggle and Jason glanced over his shoulder, looking briefly at Mark before turning to flash Gary a broad smile. Gary could just about see him through his laughter and he tried to compose himself.
“Gaz, I will be here, bright and early on Sunday to open up, I promise. Actually...scratch that. I’ll send Hans instead,” Jason smiled, leaning slightly on the archway. Gary beamed back at him, raising his mug slightly as a toast before curling his lips into a playful smile.
“Better still; send Howard! Since I’m assuming this is all his fault...” he offered and Jason’s grin brightened further. He flashed an affectionate wink in Howard’s direction before looking back at Gary and nodding slowly.
“You know what, I might just do that. Give you time for a bit of Sunday morning...” Jason began.
“Tea drinking!” Gary interrupted quickly.
“And watching telly. Don’t forget the telly,” Mark chuckled and Jason laughed.
“Oh yes, I forgot what a good Northern lad you were, Gaz. If only Howard were able to remain so true to his roots,” Jason sighed dramatically before breezing away to the back of the shop, leaving Howard, Gary and Mark chuckling softly in his wake.
“That counts as a confession,” Mark assured Gary and Howard but they all knew he wouldn’t dare repeat that in earshot of Jason.
***
Howard pulled his phone from his pocket, checking the time before sifting through his contacts until finally he found the number he needed. Crystal’s bartending job at one of Berlin’s most popular nightlife spots meant that she routinely found herself crawling into bed in the early hours and refusing to crawl out of it until the early afternoon, so he knew any call he made to her needed to be timed to perfection. Call too early she’ll be asleep, call too late and she’ll be getting ready to leave. He knew he was still taking a risk calling her now, as there was a good chance she wasn’t awake enough for chitchat, but he’d been feeling guilty about his absent wedding ring all day. He was lucky he’d married a man gracious enough to accept his carelessness, find it loveable even. He was sure there were far more out there who would have given him the cold shoulder for a week.
“Shove off Donald I’m dead on legs!” came a blunt, croaky voice at the other end. Howard couldn’t help but smirk slightly, shaking his head. Crystal had never been one to hide how she felt. She was open, honest and upfront. But he still knew he was safe. If she really wanted him to shove off she would have reprimanded him in German before slamming down the phone. Crystal would always drift into German when she got angry – Howard wasn’t sure if she thought it sounded more effective or if it was just easier for her to find the right words in her native language but he’d decided to think of it as a ‘charming personality trait’ and have done.
“Oh come on, Crystal, it’s for Jay’s sake I’m calling,” Howard pleaded and he could almost hear Crystal softening at the mention of his husband. She muttered something in German but there was a more playful tone to it than her angry rants so he reckoned he was still safe.
“Alright, fine. How is Prince Charming?” Crystal sighed at last. Howard chuckled.
“Still married to me, before you get any ideas in your head!” he shot back. Crystal made a strange whimpering noise of protest and disappointment.
“Then tell me why I should help you keep a hold of him then?!” she huffed mischievously.
“Ohw, come on now, play nice!” Howard joked and it coaxed a laugh from Crystal.
“I’m going to take a wild guess and say you’re calling to ask about your wedding ring?” she asked after a moment and Howard raised his eyebrows.
“You found it?!” he asked hopefully and Crystal laughed again.
“When you were packing. It’s in the zippy pocket of your wash bag,” she was quick to reply.
“You’re incredible, Crystal – thank you! Jason thanks you too, if that helps,” Howard grinned. Just as Howard was about to say goodbye, Crystal suddenly stopped him, a note of concern in her voice that surprised him a little.
“Wait, How...”
“Is something up?” Howard frowned, worried now. Crystal paused briefly and sighed.
“Look, you know I’m always honest with you, yeah?”
“Of course, I like you to be.”
“Then don’t take what I’m about to say the wrong way, ok?”
“Ok...” Howard nodded slowly, slightly nervous now.
“Don’t screw this one up, yeah? I mean...ok, you misplaced a wedding ring and that’s not too big a deal or anything but...don’t let it be a sign, ok? Because I know what you’re like. When you get this comfortable with someone, when things seem to have levelled off to your idea of perfection...you have a tendency to...go off the rails. Monumental acts of stupidity become your default mode.”
“Crystal...”
“Oh I shouldn’t have said anything should I. But...well, you said you liked me to be honest...oh God, Howard, I’m sorry, I feel awful now, just ignore me. I just want you to be happy and Jay makes you happy and I don’t want you to risk losing that, you know? Seriously, just forget I mentioned anything!”
“It’s fine, Crystal. And...and you’re right. Of course you are. You always are. But I’m trying, I really am. I’m not going to screw it up, I’m not going to let myself. Jay is different. And he brings out a different side of me,” Howard assured her and she laughed softly.
“Now that I can believe. Just...tell him to keep an eye on you, ok?” she sighed.
“He doesn’t need telling!” Howard chuckled.
When he finally slipped back into the shop, Howard tried to put Crystal’s words to the back of his mind. She was right about his past, but this was him and Jason. He loved Jason. He loved Jason in a way he had never loved anyone before. The relationships Crystal was thinking of, he could, with hindsight, safely say that on some subconscious level he had wanted them to end. And the monumental acts of stupidity? They were sort of...his way of avoiding doing the breaking up. He would never do that to Jason. He took a deep breath, heading into the side room and trying to ignore the niggling doubts in his mind. Jason heard him come in and when he looked up the smile on his face almost knocked Howard sideways. I put that smile there, he reminded himself slightly incredulously. Just by walking into a room he could make this man’s face light up. No. He didn’t need to worry. Of course he didn’t.
***
Howard smiled fondly at Jason, who was wrapped firmly in his arms and didn’t look like he wanted to be any place else. They were attempting to leave for home but for some reason neither one of them was willing to move from their spot, standing in the middle of the shop floor. Jason had at least made it at as far as getting his coat on, but Howard’s attempts to leave had stopped with his hat and scarf, his coat ending up sandwiched in the middle of his and Jason’s embrace. He put one hand to Jason’s cheek, resting their foreheads together, before dipping in for yet another long kiss. Howard found that stolen moments like this were always the best. He couldn’t have explained it if he was asked but he knew it to be true nevertheless. In the stolen moments he found himself lost in the detail of everything, the way the light played off Jason’s eyes, the way his hair fell, even the way his delicate frame felt in his arms. But there was a problem with stolen moments; they were too brief, as he was reminded abruptly by the sound of Gary clearing his throat.
Jason and Howard turned to see Mark and Gary stood side by side in the archway and Jason sank slightly into Howard’s chest, too tired to stage any more battles with Mark.
“I’m saying nothing,” Mark shrugged, miming locking his lips closed and throwing away the key.
“Hmm,” Jason mumbled, most of the sound muffled by Howard’s shirt, his head still sleepily resting there. Jason looked just about ready for bed, Howard noted, and he was overwhelmed by the urge to look after him. He planted a kiss on top of Jason’s head in an attempt to keep him on his feet until they got home and he was proud to see the tiny, sleepy little smile it brought to Jason’s face, his half-closed eyes briefly dancing with life before he snuggled closer into Howard’s chest.
“You see what you’ve done to my husband,” Howard scolded Mark gently and Mark laughed.
“Oh I think that was all you, Howard!” he grinned, folding his arms as if he had finally won the argument.
“I’ll set Hans on you,” Jason groaned into Howard’s chest, now burying his face entirely.
“Now that I would like to see,” Gary chuckled and Mark elbowed him in the ribs.
“Oi! You’re supposed to defend me, Barlow! Howard defended Jay!” he protested.
“Ah, but, good Northern lads avoid confrontation. This is why I married the bad one,” Jason remarked, briefly raising his head and winking at Mark before flopping back into Howard’s strength. Howard laughed.
“When did I get this reputation?!” he protested.
“When you made Jay late for work,” Gary smirked and Jason smiled slightly.
“Trust be, he got his reputation well before that,” he mumbled.
“Well now I don’t even know what to say as a comeback,” Mark sighed, a little deflated. Gary smiled at him, giving his shoulders a comforting squeeze before shrugging.
“In all the years I have known him, Jay has always won every battle of wills presented to him. I’m sorry Marko, but I think you’re going to have to up your game to break that record,” he said.
“Actually, I already broke the record. And there’s no way I’m giving you my secrets,” Howard grinned and Jason swatted at him softly.
“Shush you, you’re not helping,” he chided sleepily. Gary, sensing the conversation was getting away from him, clapped his hands together once in an attempt to attract their attention. As they all turned to look at him he smiled broadly.
“Anyway; Mark and me have got something to tell you both,” he announced. Jason didn’t bother to raise his head again but he did muster up a questioning grunt, more to assure everyone he hadn’t fallen asleep than to demonstrate genuine interest, but it was enough to perk up Mark.
“It’s really exciting, I promise,” he enthused. Howard glanced down at the sleep lump in his arms and laughed, shaking his head affectionately.
“I think you’re gonna have to work hard to get this one excited,” he remarked.
“But that’s no fun,” Mark sighed, slightly exasperated.
“It’s alright, I’ll be his ears for him, come on, what do you want to tell us?” Howard chuckled.
“Well, Jonathan gave me a ring last week. He said he thinks we’ve done enough playing in bars and it’s time to start thinking bigger. He’s booked us into some local recording studios...” Gary began.
“He wants to record a demo,” Mark cut in, his eyes sparkling. Howard sensed that the word ‘demo’ had been repeated a lot by Mark since this news had reached him. It was as if just saying the word introduced him into a wonderland.
“That’s...um...” Howard began and Mark paused a moment, looking slightly sad.
“You’re not excited,” he said and Gary patted his shoulder comfortingly.
“Not everyone deals with excitement by looking like they’ve swallowed a whole packet of sherbet in one sitting, Marko,” Gary told him and Howard nodded.
“Exactly. Plus, I think Jay’s asleep so...” he smiled faintly.
“I’m not asleep. Recording studio. Jonathan. Demo. Life getting turned upside-down. I’m following perfectly,” Jason mumbled into Howard’s shirt. Everyone looked at him a moment.
“Ok...not excited is beginning to sound like a more accurate summary...” Gary conceded.
“He isn’t not happy about it but...well...it’s just...change...” Howard began to explain.
“You know I don’t do change well Gaz,” Jason said quietly.
“But if you give him time to get his head around it...” Howard offered and Jason nodded slowly.
“Then eventually, I’ll be excited. Not Sherbet Boy happy. But happy. I promise...just, let me get some sleep first,” he yawned. This seemed to satisfy Mark and Howard and Gary watched as he performed a delighted pirouette, throwing his hat in the air then hugging Gary. As Howard watched he remembered Crystal’s words earlier and something in his chest constricted. Change was a dangerous thing when it came to him and he knew he was going to have to be extra-careful now it had decided to descend upon his and Jason’s lives without invitation.
***
Putting the phone down on the desk, Howard turned and walked over to the kitchen, leaning on the breakfast bar and watching his husband quietly finish cleaning the kitchen. Jason was dedicated to a silent industriousness that Howard himself had never quite mastered. Howard wasn’t lazy, but he could never exert too much effort on anything without having a good moan about it either before or after. Even if he didn’t mind doing something, he felt being able to complain about it was vital to the job’s adequate completion. Jason held no such principles and, when it came to housework, he preferred things to be done a certain way and he knew that if that was ever going to happen then he would have to do it himself. He was less tired than he had been earlier, Howard noticed, and for that he was pleased because it always made him a little uneasy when Jason got too drained too easily. Whilst Jason was labelled the worrier of the pair of them, Howard could be encouraged to fret when he set his mind to it. Or at least, he could when it came to Jason. He didn’t like any harm coming to him; a misplaced hair on his head bordered on an crisis to Howard’s mind. Drowsiness could cause positive alarm.
As Howard mused to himself on his own slightly overprotective nature, Jason looked up at him. His eyes shone a little as he came over to join Howard at the breakfast bar, leaning on it to give Howard a brief kiss on his lips. He took Howard’s hands in his own, his thumb briefly stroking the newly restored wedding band on Howard’s ring finger with a certain grateful fondness.
“You’ve perked up a bit,” Howard remarked, keeping their faces close so he could study the soft smile on Jason’s lips. Jason laughed and gave a small shrug.
“Well you have been particularly liberal with displays of affection tonight, I’ve got to be on my guard in case you’re up to no good,” he said and Howard raised an eyebrow.
“Me? Up to no good? Never! It’s not my fault I’m disgustingly in love with you now is it,” he grinned and Jason smiled at him, leaning their foreheads together.
“Mm, debateable. But I’ll let it slide. Because – don’t let on – but I’m a little bit in love with you too.”
“Oh really? And how long have you been sitting on this information?”
“Years – no one suspected a thing.”
“If only I had your subtlety.”
“Mm, there’s nothing subtle about you, How.”
“That’s why you can’t resist me.”
“It’s why I love you.”
“I don’t think your secret is as well kept at you think, Jay.”
“You could be onto something there.”
“Everybody knows.”
“And I hope it stays that way,” Jason smiled, leaning in to give Howard’s cheek a kiss.
“Mm, seconded,” Howard smiled quietly.
“So tell me, how is that daughter of yours? Is she glad you’re back in one piece or utterly indifferent?” Jason sighed, pushing himself swiftly up from the breakfast bar and grabbing a cloth. Howard pouted slightly at the change of subject and leant back slightly.
“Largely indifferent, but glad I’m still alive at least. She’s having fun with her mum but is apparently missing you. It seems her biological parents just aren’t up to scratch so I think she’s auditioning for new ones,” Howard chuckled and Jason laughed as he began cleaning the kitchen worktops.
“And I got the part I take it? Well, I was always the most popular babysitter in the Orange family...although that had more to do with the fact that I was obliged to work for free, being related to them and all. At least you know what I’ve been up to whilst you and Crystal were living it up Deutschland style,” he beamed, glancing up to meet Howard’s eyes with dazzling warmth.
“What? Brainwashing my daughter?!” Howard asked him with a laugh and Jason nodded.
“Pretty much. I’m working on transforming her into my PA,” he informed Howard brightly, putting the cloth away and returning to the breakfast bar.
“You worry me,” Howard joked, placing a caring hand to Jason’s cheek. Jason simply smiled up at him, meeting his eyes with an all-seeing calmness that no-longer surprised Howard that much.
“I know,” he said simply and something in his tone told Howard that Jason was silently thanking him for his worrying, his constant understanding that okay didn’t always really mean okay.
“Course you do,” Howard sighed after a moment and Jason pursed his lips in to a tiny smile.
“Worry and love all tend to get a bit tangled up in my world, How,” he told Howard quietly, looking away, and Howard stroked his thumb against Jason’s cheek.
“What about worry and change?” he asked him leadingly and Jason closed his eyes, taking a moment to work out how their earlier news was sitting in his mind.
“Very tangled. But I’m picking my way through it. I’ll be fine, I promise. As long as I have you, I’ll be fine,” he whispered. Howard wasn’t convinced but he didn’t want to press and end up unsettling Jason even more, so instead he simply studied the details of Jason’s face, which was still resting against the palm of his hand. He couldn’t stop the rising doubts from surfacing though, they always seemed to of late.
“You’re so beautiful, Jay...” he sighed after a long pause, hardly realising he’d said it aloud. Jason’s eyes opened slowly, looking back into Howards with a mixture of concern and confusion.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so they say. You’re what’s beautiful in my eyes,” he replied but Howard shook his head slightly.
“I’m not,” was his simple response but Jason held his gaze.
“Howard, listen to me. I gave up any claim on my heart to you – the only exception, the only person allowed that sort of control. And I don’t make any secret of it. I am incapable of un-loving you...so will you please get that into that thick head of yours?” he asked, his voice soft as a whisper. Don’t screw this one up, for God’s sake, Howard thought to himself. Look at him. The only thing you could ever do to lose this man would be throwing away his heart and breaking it. And that would be a monumental act of stupidity to top all of his monumental acts of stupidity. Crystal would probably kill him if he ever did that. No, he reassured himself, there was no way he could screw this up. Especially not if he trod carefully and avoided any situation where he could do something daft. Jason was still looking up at him with those piercing blue eyes, searching for confirmation that he had been heard.
“I’ll keep your heart in my pocket then. And hope to God I don’t drop it – even if I am a clumsy oaf,” he let out and Jason laughed softly.
“You’re my clumsy oaf though,” he promised, giving Howard a lingering kiss.
***
Gary, Mark and Cadbury sat in a perfect line on the sofa, glued to the evening’s edition of Coronation Street like it contained the secret to life. Mark had been captured by a storyline and Gary had long had a suspicion that he would get kicked out of Manchester if he didn’t give the nation’s only Mancunian soap his full attention. Cadbury had no such excuse, he just loved soap operas. Gary sometimes suspected the dog to be creeping out of his basket whenever he was left home alone for long enough, switching on the telly and catching all the repeats he could. It wasn’t until the adverts permitted normal conversation to resume that Mark stirred slightly in Gary’s arms. This caused a chain reaction, of course, and Cadbury huffily lifted his head before resettling it at a slightly different angle in Mark’s lap.
“Gaz...Howard and Jay are going to be happy eventually aren’t they. About the recording thing...” Mark asked once he had made sure Cadbury was comfortable. Gary thought a moment.
“You know what Jay’s like. He doesn’t like change turning up without his express permission. And when it does turn up, he has to have time process it before he forms an opinion. He has to think about things from fifty different angles before he’s ever willing to make a final choice,” Gary shrugged and, as if in agreement, Cadbury poked his nose gently into Mark’s stomach. Mark looked down at the dog’s hopeful eyes and obligingly petted him before looking back at Gary.
“He wasn’t like that when he married Howard though – that decision happened in seconds,” he pouted, flopping his head down onto Gary’s shoulder.
“And in order to secure marriage to you I jumped on a plane to New York, even though I hate flying. Howard is Jason’s big rule break. Most likely his only rule break for his entire life,” Gary smiled affectionately down at Mark. Cadbury made a strange noise that sounded suspiciously like agreement and for a moment he and Gary waited with baited breath to see how long it would take Mark to get bored of sulking.
“Okay fine, you’re right,” Mark relented after sitting with his arms folded through an alarmingly colourful advert for some bank or other, trying to pretend he was really interested in their mortgages.
“Good. I don’t get to win very often,” Gary smiled, genuinely pleased with himself. He was sure that the little noise Cadbury made was a laugh. He was even more sure that Mark was trying to suppress a laugh of his own.
After a while of silence passed, and with Coronation Street threatening to return any moment, Mark looked up at Gary with those dancing, determined eyes of his. Gary had to look. He was at the mercy of those eyes. They were a colour he couldn’t define, flitting from grey into green into blue and, occasionally, into gold. They sparkled and sprang as much as Mark himself. Mark seemed equally transfixed by Gary’s eyes; altogether more steady and sturdy, a safe and reliable block of alarming blue that smoothed out the sparking edges of Mark’s dancing light.
“I’m glad you (briefly) conquered your irrational fear of air transportation for me,” Mark said quietly and Gary looked down at him, his eyebrows knotting heavily. His blonde hair was mussed, though it was much tidier than the brown tangle atop Mark’s own head, and his thin lips twisted slightly in a peculiar line that Mark could only see as being pride jumbled up with confusion. Cadbury lifted his head from Mark’s lap to look at the pair of them enquiringly.
“It’s not irrational. Who would want to put themselves through the ordeal of air travel?” Gary asked and although Mark knew part of him was being playful, he was also well aware that Gary genuinely couldn’t get his head around Mark’s lack of stress when it came to flying.
“Well you did. You didn’t have to fly to New York...” Mark began. Cadbury let out a small, doggy sniff. He knew what was going to happen; they were going to start flirting and he was going to miss what happened in the second half of Coronation Street. With a quiet whimper he pushed himself up from the sofa and padded off, leaving them to each other.
“Oh no, I really did,” Gary said after a moment’s thought. Mark grinned.
“Why’s that then?” he asked. Gary tilted his head to one side.
“Well, you know, I’d never seen Broadway, I was appallingly head over heels in love with you, I wanted to know if New York looked as flashy as it did on TV. The usual stuff,” he shrugged and Mark’s grin widened. Quietly he reached over Gary and plucked the remote from the arm of the sofa, turning the TV off. Next he reached back, picked up his packet of sweets from where Gary had been holding it hostage, popped a chocolate button into his mouth then pulled himself across to sit happily in Gary’s lap. Gary watched him a moment then smiled as Mark’s slightly-chocolaty lips curled into a smile, his hands now stroking the back of Gary’s neck.
“Appallingly in love you say?” Mark frowned, tilting his head one way then the other.
“Oh yes. Horribly, atrociously, appallingly...” Gary elaborated, but Mark just beamed at him before swiftly cutting him off with his lips. Gary only briefly had time to wonder if Cadbury would ever forgive them for abandoning the telly for the bedroom and barely a moment’s breath to ponder how exactly it was that everyone he knew still, for the most part, believed the Good Northern Lad facade.
Chapter Two
It had taken over a month for the day of the demo-recording to come into focus and, by all accounts, this was a good thing. It had taken Jason a while to get his head round things and no one liked the unsettling feeling that uncertainty could inflict upon them. But now, as February toyed with the idea of letting March in, the weeks had transformed into mere hours. Howard rolled this idea around in his head for some time and he still couldn’t decide what it meant. He wasn’t great at change either, if he was honest, but he did have a certain hopefulness to his personality that was rarely beaten. Except this time. This time he still felt a little too unsettled. He took a glance at the clock and winced. He’d come home hours ago, his eardrums still ringing from his extended set, and he really had meant to go straight to bed. But he hadn’t wanted to wake Jason up. He was already worried he’d made too much noise coming in the front door and so he’d pulled his laptop from the coffee table and settled for the sofa instead, clicking his way through his folders until he found what he was looking for. He’d been here ever since, not daring to move. He let out a long yawn, frowning a little as he heard a dull sound from somewhere in the apartment. He tensed, worried that he may have just heard a door closing and convinced he had done something to wake everyone up. Sure enough, he heard soft footsteps in the corridor then, footsteps he knew very well. He felt his good intentions shattered.
“Howard, love – what are you doing out here still?” a quiet voice asked him, the footsteps scuffling closer until he could feel Jason stood right behind him. As he looked up he came to meet with Jason’s eyes immediately and, even through a thin mist of tiredness, they were as searchingly blue as ever. His silhouette was slight in the dim light that came from the Manchester night outside the windows, his shoulders rising and falling steadily with his breaths, his strong torso criss-crossed by his folded arms and his pyjama bottoms clinging loosely to his narrow waist. For a moment Jason’s air of calm washed over Howard and held the two of them there, each looking at the other.
“Work finished late...” Howard began to mumble vaguely and Jason twisted his lips into a strained expression of barely-concealed disbelief before he bent over and wrapped his arms tightly around Howard’s shoulders, leaning their temples together and only twisting slightly from the embrace in order to place a kiss on the side of Howard’s face.
“You don’t fool me, How. You came in hours ago, I was waiting up for you. Now please, love, come to bed,” Jason sighed, still holding him tightly. Howard closed his eyes a moment, smiling as the scent of Jason’s shampoo mixed with the smell of their duvet and engulfed him.
“Sorry, I just didn’t want to wake you,” he admitted slowly. Jason pressed another kiss to the side of his face, his arms still holding Howard firmly. It was his version of ‘apology accepted’.
“What are you doing anyway?” Jason questioned and Howard pulled a face.
“Nothing, just...you know...listening to music...” he shrugged but he could tell that Jason didn’t believe a word of it. Jason’s arms slipped from around Howard’s shoulders and swiftly he had made his way round to the other side of the sofa, sitting down and pulling the laptop from Howard’s tired fingers. Howard looked down at his hands as he saw Jason begin to open the minimized windows. Picture after picture popped up; Howard’s very favourite pictures of himself and Jason with their friends and family and some just with each other. Jason smiled slightly as he looked through them, recognizing the events and moments that were captured. Then he let out a small sigh, putting the laptop down on the coffee table and curling into Howard’s side, linking both his arms through Howard’s before resting his head against his shoulder.
“I’m right here, How,” he reminded gently and Howard sank a little against the cushions, looking down at Jason’s slim figure, pressed closely to his own body. Jason’s eyes were closed now and Howard could feel his heartbeat against his arm.
“I’m sorry, love, I’m sorry...I just...I just don’t want to hurt you...” Howard said quietly. Jason was just so precious – and precious things were so breakable for someone as clumsy as him. Jason frowned slightly but he didn’t open his eyes.
“I don’t mind when you wake me up, How. I enjoy being by your side, regardless of the time of night,” Jason told him sleepily, his grip on Howard’s arm tightening briefly.
“You say that...” Howard began but Jason, on the verge of tumbling back to sleep though he was, shook his head with a sleepy noise of protest.
“Howard; I am right here because I want to be,” he mumbled, his lips barely moving under the weight of sleep as it finally took him over.
Howard stayed there watching Jason sleep for longer than was strictly necessary. He still listened to his heartbeat, steady and soft against his arm, and he wondered to himself what happy accident in his life could ever have lead to that heartbeat being surrendered to him. He wasn’t a great believer in fate or destiny, he didn’t really even believe in love at first sight. But he knew that something had somehow pulled him into Barlow’s Music Shop all that time ago. He had been drawn to the dusty red sign, the shabby gold script of the letters, the dim oddity of its window display. But he had been drawn to it for no good reason; he didn’t shop in that kind of place. But then there was Jason. Jason changed the way he thought of Barlow’s. He had never expected someone like Jason to work there and yet he had belonged. And the more time Howard had spent considering it, he’d begun to feel a certain amount of belonging himself. The musty, friendly, golden glow that permeated the air, hid behind the instruments, sat atop the shelves of songbooks and perched on the staircase...it was that that must have been pulling him in all along. But still he couldn’t quite think of it as fate or destiny or planets aligning or any of that stuff. Perhaps there was some magnetic pull that emanated from Barlow’s, but the fact that that pull had brought him to Jason? That had to just be some brilliant coincidence he had stumbled into. Because, although he wouldn’t go as far as saying it had been love at first sight, it had certainly been fascination at first sight. As soon as those bright blue eyes had fixed on him he’d been lost in trying to know Jason Orange. He just wanted to listen to him, to know him, to find out why he couldn’t take his eyes off him. It had been nothing but a bonus that Jason had been so handsome, something to look at whilst he tried to start a conversation. He had never expected to fall in love. He’d tripped along the way to knowing him – that was how he fell head first. After all these flukes and chances he had somehow ended up here; Jason asleep in his arms, his heartbeat in his hands. He planted a kiss on the top of Jason’s head and Jason stirred in his sleep, burying himself even closer to Howard.
Eventually, Howard led Jason to bed, half-carrying him before helping him under the covers. He placed one last kiss on his forehead before he got in himself, pulling Jason close to his chest and holding on tight. When he woke up in the morning, he knew he would have awful pins and needles, that was if he could feel his arms at all. But he needed to hold Jason close.
***
Gary and Cadbury both jumped slightly as a bright blur of energy skidded into the kitchen; a skitter of six different scarves, a selection of hats and several waistcoats and cardigans appearing before them, sending an extra-large tube of Smarties tumbling from a kitchen counter. As tiny orbs of chocolate bounced everywhere, Mark’s face appeared from behind the bundle of clothes, his grin bright and wide and his eyes a giddy shade of grey-green that caught the light.
“Morning!” he beamed, not noticing the fact that their Labrador was being bombarded by a hailstorm of Smarties. Gary put down his tea and his biscuit and surveyed the chaos. Behind Mark was a trail of clothing and in front of him a trail of chocolate and yet, for some reason, he could only laugh and shake his head. He should be more annoyed, especially at this time of the morning. But how could anyone really get annoyed with Mark?
“Morning,” he nodded slowly, pushing himself out of his chair and grabbing the biscuit tin before Mark could send that flying too.
“I’m so excited,” Mark replied, jumping slightly, his shoes scuffling against the kitchen tiles. He didn’t seem to have noticed the trail of chaos he was causing and Gary couldn’t quite bring himself to point it out, although he wasn’t looking forward to picking up the Smarties.
“You’d never guess, Marko. Now, is there any reason you’ve got half of your wardrobe in your arms...and the other half on the floor...” he asked, raising an eyebrow. Mark shrugged.
“Outfit planning,” he said brightly and Gary nodded, getting himself a couple of extra biscuits from the tin. He could tell he was going to need all the tea and biscuits he could find if he was going to come close to keeping up with Mark today.
“You do know Jonathan said he wants a demo...he didn’t say fashion show...” he pointed out, trying to suppress the smile on his lips. Mark let out a small whine of protest, lobbing at hat in Gary’s general direction and seeming pleased with himself when it landed squarely over the top of Gary’s mug. Gary jumped back from it slightly, almost dropping his biscuit, and Mark could have sworn he saw Cadbury roll his eyes at the pair of them from his place in the middle of the Sea of Smarties.
“I’m trying to find the ultimate in hat-scarf-waistcoat combination. Or maybe hat-shoe-cardigan combination. Or maybe scarf-shoe...” Mark began to inform Gary and Gary waved his biscuit at him.
“Alright, I get the picture. Now come and sit down and give me a good morning kiss would you,” he sighed pleadingly, feeling tired just watching Mark. Mark smiled at him and casually dropped his pile of clothes in the middle of the doorway, coming to join Gary at the kitchen table, planting a lingering kiss on his lips. When he pulled back he licked his lips and tilted his head to one side.
“Hmm...biscuity...” he nodded thoughtfully before hopping up again, pulling a packet of Flying Saucers from a cupboard and breezing off, leaving the heap of clothes where he’d dropped it. Cadbury gave Gary a look; well don’t look at me, you knew what he was like when you married him! Gary sighed and shook his head before pushing himself up from his chair and following the trail of clothes back to where Mark was once again digging through his wardrobe.
“Marko; you have half an hour. To tidy as well as to dress,” he remarked, receiving a cardigan to the face for his troubles.
***
“How’s the arm?” Jason asked gently, his arms snaking around Howard’s waist from behind as he planted an affection kiss in the crook of his neck. Howard chuckled softly.
“Um...just about getting blood back into it I think,” he smiled, enjoying the feeling of Jason’s arms keeping them firmly pressed together.
“Glad to hear it, maybe that’ll teach you to just come straight to bed in future” Jason smiled, giving Howard another kiss before resting his chin on his shoulder.
“Mm, wouldn’t count on it,” Howard said and Jason gave him a playful slap of reprimand before moving back towards the oven, checking on the state of breakfast.
“You’re an idiot,” he remarked casually as he began pouring his cereal.
“So you keep telling me,” Howard grinned, putting down the pile of mail he had been reading and pulling himself onto a stool at the breakfast bar. Jason shrugged, pointing a spoon at Howard accusingly, his smile refreshingly carefree.
“Ah, well that’s because you need telling,” he informed Howard before darting back to tend to Howard’s omelette, deserting his bowl of cereal on the kitchen counter.
“I don’t care if it makes me an idiot, I just want to hold you,” Howard shot back and Jason glanced across at him affectionately as he fished out a plate for the omelette.
“For a man who claims to be useless with words, you can be very sweet sometimes,” he said softly before turning back to what he was doing. Howard couldn’t hide the touch of pride that that added to his already broad grin. There was just something about waking up with Jason in his arms that put him in a good mood, dead arm or not.
“Is the grub done yet, I’m starving,” he said suddenly and Jason laughed at him, rolling his eyes.
“Poetically put, love,” he sighed teasingly before placing a plate of food in front of Howard and giving him a kiss on the cheek.
“You’re a saint,” Howard beamed, mouth full of food, as Jason busied himself in the living room.
“Mm, I believe the church are working on making it official. Have you seen my laptop bag anywhere? I’m not going to this bloody thing if I can’t take my laptop with me,” Jason called back, putting his hands on his hips and frowning.
“Oo, did you just downgrade it from ‘ordeal’ to ‘bloody thing’? You’ve come a long way, love,” Howard chuckled and Jason shot him a withering look as he returned to the breakfast bar.
“I’m laughing inside, I swear,” he deadpanned, giving Howard yet another kiss before striding off down the corridor in search of his laptop bag.
Just as Howard was about to pick up his letters again (which he hadn’t properly sorted through for weeks now) his phone began to ring and he began patting at his many pockets until he got to it.
“Morning, Lucky Bastard! How do you feel about Denmark?” the voice on the other end half-bellowed at him and he frowned. He only knew one person who would start a conversation that way, but why Crystal would be calling him this early in the day he couldn’t fathom.
“Morning, Crystal. Denmark? I dunno. Um...pastries...pickled herring...Lego...bacon...BEER! Beer. Yes, beer,” Howard nodded, pleased with his summary. Crystal laughed brightly.
“No, idiot! I meant how’d you like to DJ at a major launch there. New club opening. Right in the middle of Copenhagen. More Carlsberg than you’ll know what to do with?” Crystal tried and Howard chuckled, shaking his head at her slightly.
“Sounds like a laugh – but are you switching nations on me? You’re my little German intelligence agent! What’s going on?!” he asked and Crystal made a strange clicking noise with her tongue.
“You know the place I work at is part of a major European chain don’t you? Well anyway, it is. And they’re opening up in Denmark for the first time ever, but one of their DJs has pulled out. They need someone who has already made a name for himself in Europe but who isn’t so popular he’ll break the bank to come and cover them over the opening weekend. I’m going over on a mini-holiday with some mates, just for the launch weekend, and I thought you might like to join me...maybe bring your husband, I’ll take good care of him whilst you’re working,” Crystal told him.
“You’re selling it to me. What’s the catch?” Howard sighed and Crystal muttered a couple of German curses to herself, annoyed that he could read her so easily.
“Well...it’s this Friday...” she said slowly and Howard widened his eyes.
“As in tomorrow night Friday? As in get on a plane this afternoon to be able to set up in time Friday?!” he questioned her. Crystal muttered something else in German.
“Yes. But they’re willing to pay extra coz of the last minute thing. Oh please come Howard, it’ll be amazing,” she pleaded and Howard wavered slightly. He glanced down the corridor in the direction Jason had disappeared to.
“You owe me several hundred Carlsbergs when I get there,” he sighed and he just had time to hear Crystal shriek a delighted ‘Thank you’ before he hung up.
With immaculate timing, Jason chose that moment to reappear from their bedroom, laptop bag in hand. Grace too emerged from her own room, following Jason and moaning to him about the teachers she would have to put up with that day, swinging her school bag in mild protest as she went. Jason simply smiled at her and pointed her in the direction of the food waiting for her on the breakfast bar before coming over to Howard waving the laptop bag.
“I knew you’d had it. Please, How, if you love me, stop using my laptop bag!” he scolded gently, going over to put his laptop into the case, throwing in a few extra essentials and then scooping up a fancy envelope from on the kitchen worktop.
“Right, I’m off to post my dad’s card and then I need to see Justin about the party arrangements for the weekend...” he began and Howard looked up at him in surprise.
“This weekend?” he asked and Jason rolled his eyes.
“Yes, love, it has been on the calendar since the New Year. Why, you weren’t planning anything were you?” he asked, trying to subdue his affectionate smile.
“Nothing you need to worry about,” Howard shrugged, suddenly interested in his fork.
“Ok, well I’ll see you for this damn demo thing later then. Have fun with Miss Peters, ok Grace? Remember, she’s more scared of you than you are of her,” Jason grinned and Grace pouted.
“That’s spiders not teachers,” she sighed but she couldn’t help but laugh slightly.
“If you say so. See if your dad is any softer than me in letting you skive if you like, but I can’t see it happening,” Jason replied with a shrug and Grace sighed dramatically.
“Neither can I,” she said through a forkful of food.
“Bye, love,” Jason added, giving Howard one last kiss on the cheek before quickly moving over to the door and leaving the apartment.
***
Gary and Mark had been having so much fun playing with buttons and instruments and fancy microphones that they’d hardly noticed Howard’s absence. Jason, however, was not so lucky and had instead spent a good half an hour trying to contact his husband but had yet to have any success. As he shoved his phone back into his pocket for what felt like the millionth time, the situation finally seemed to concern Mark and Gary and they came over to sit with him, their expressions nervous.
“Still no luck?” Mark asked, biting his lip. Jason shrugged.
“His phone’s off,” he muttered, his shoulders tense.
“You don’t think something’s wrong do you?” Gary asked tentatively, his features slipping into a slight frown of concern. Jason laughed a mildly hollow laugh, shaking his head.
“Oh no, nothing’s wrong. He’s just...he’s...urgh! That bloody man,” he muttered and Mark and Gary exchanged a worried glance. Mark slid down onto the small sofa and put a hand on Jason’s shoulder whilst Gary perched himself on the arm of the sofa on Jason’s other side.
“Jay are you sure nothing’s wrong...” Mark began carefully and Jason smiled at him softly.
“I’m sure. It’s just...well...he’s been in such a weird mood lately. And now this? This is just another in a long line of his mysterious disappearances. He tries to cause as little fuss as possible, the whole time failing to realise that that’s what’s causing the fuss. I married an idiot,” he sighed, tipping his head back and closing his eyes. Mark and Gary looked at each other again, Mark’s face pleading with Gary for some sort of lifeline. But Gary couldn’t help. He’d known Jason almost half of his life and in that time the two of them had helped each other through every bad scrape. But this was different somehow. This was some sort of weird non-problem; Howard wasn’t hurting Jason exactly, but Jason didn’t feel comfortable with the state of things either.
“How about...how about we do as much as we can without him and then he can do all his stuff in the session we’ve got booked next week. He can make it up to us by getting all the tea as well,” Gary sighed at last and Jason smiled a reassuringly genuine smile at him.
“He owes you biscuits you know,” he said and Gary nodded solemnly.
“Many, many biscuits...” he agreed and Mark chuckled.
“Only if I get something out of it too,” he put in cheekily and Jason rolled his eyes at him.
“Let me guess; chocolate? Sweets? Sugar? Oh wait...clothes!” he sighed playfully.
“All of the above!” Mark beamed brightly before jumping up from his place on the sofa and going to tell the studio technicians that they were ready. As he whirled off in a flurry of anticipation, Gary looked down at Jason who silently met his gaze.
“You are incredibly resilient, you know that Jay?” he sighed after a moment, thinking of all the things Jason bounced back from, all the things he could put up with without snapping. Jason shrugged at the comment and shook his head, looking down at his hands.
“Don’t say it like that, Gaz. I’m not a miracle worker, no matter what you might think. Even my patience will have to wear someday,” he said quietly and with that he stood, following Mark and leaving Gary to frown to himself, sure that those words should concern him but not sure why.
***
As soon Jason as stepped in through the front door he knew Howard wasn’t there. He couldn’t explain why he knew, he just did. His first instinct was to check the answering machine for messages, so, dumping his keys on the coffee table as he went, he moved over to the desk. The phone flashed up that there were two messages. He pressed the play button then turned to his laptop bag, fishing out his laptop and putting it back amidst the sea of framed photographs that littered his desk area.
“Jay! Jay!! I know you’re there and just avoiding your twin brother for the sake of annoyance! No? Really? Oh. Ok. Well, anyway, I’ve taken it upon myself to be the sibling who takes responsibility for dad this weekend. Spare room’s been made up for him, it’s fine. I know there’s no room at yours and none of the rest are going to do it...so, yeah, I’ll bring him, I’ll put him up for the night and then I’ll take him back. Remember; it’s gonna be a proper Orange family knees-up, so don’t forget to set aside some money for your taxi home. Look, I can’t be arsed to try your mobile...just call me later instead, yeah?” Justin’s voice sparked slightly through the peace of the apartment and Jason rolled his eyes, chuckling. His dad’s birthday celebrations had become the family’s big project for the year; everyone else’s birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, christenings and whatever else were being cast aside. Or, Jason supposed, an alternative way to look at it was that they were all being celebrated in one go. It happened every year, and Jason and Justin always seemed to end up being the pair who had to organise it. When you had a family that extended out so broadly, you needed to pick one date when you knew everyone was available to be in one place at one time – it just wouldn’t be feasible more than once – and this year their dad was the one whose birthday had been chosen. Jason grabbed up a pen and a pad of paper from the desk and noted down that he had to call Justin, then reached over to play the next message.
“Jason? It’s your mum. Don’t panic! Everything and everyone is fine, I promise. I’m just ringing to invite you and Howard to Sunday lunch this weekend. I know you’ll be hung-over from the do for your dad but I haven’t seen you in far too long and I would like to see for myself that you’re doing ok. Well, anyway, you ring me sweetheart. I promise not to make any prodigal son remarks! My love to Gary and Mark. Oh and little Grace too! Bye!” his mum’s voice, though not the voice he had wanted to hear, made him smile slightly and he scribbled another note to himself before putting down the pad and paper and surveying the apartment for any sign of Howard’s explanation.
His phone was still not getting answered, he’d tried it again on his way upstairs. He hadn’t called the house, it was only family that ever did anyway. Surely he would have at least left a note?
“Howard Donald, you...” Jason began in agitation, and then he spotted it; a scrap of paper lying on the breakfast bar, weighed down by an empty coffee mug. Jason was across the room so swiftly he almost knocked the mug over as he pulled himself onto a stool in order to read the note. Howard’s scrawled handwriting formed what Jason could only describe as an apologetic explanation: ‘Before you screw this up and swear about me, can I just explain? Love, I am so sorry about this. The thing is, I got a job. A really well paid one, in Denmark of all places. Crystal phoned to tell me about it and I couldn’t say no, I just couldn’t, and now I’m going to be gone all weekend. I was going to tell you, love, but time got away from me. By the time I’d dropped off Grace and looked up flights there was only one I would have time to get to and all I would have time to do would be chuck some things in a bag and write you a note. I’d have called but my phone’s dead and I feel awful. I’m so sorry about missing your dad’s party, I know how important it was to you that we both go and I’m a total git but please forgive me? I’ll call when my phone’s charged. I’ll call every day. Twice. Ok? I am sorry, love I swear. Feel free to screw this up and swear about me now. I love you. Howard.xxx’ Despite himself Jason smiled at that. But he couldn’t quite bring himself to completely forgive Howard at the particular moment. After all, he didn’t have to take the job. And Howard had known how important the party was because, for reasons Jason was at a loss to explain himself, his and his dad’s relationship had gone through some strained years in the past and he was forever trying to make it up. Jason found he was caught between wanting to scream and shout and wanting to curl up under his duvet and have a little bit of a self-pitying cry. Yet, at the same time, he couldn’t help but wonder if he really did want to do either of those things or if it was just some ridiculousness within him that he should ignore. He decided the best way to suppress it was to phone his brother back.
“He’s buggered off,” Jason said bluntly as he heard the click of his brother answering his phone, not giving him time to get his own greeting in. Justin paused a moment and Jason could hear the baffled note in the silence between them.
“Howard’s left you?” Justin asked cautiously and Jason pulled a face.
“For the weekend, without consulting me; yes. For good? I bloody hope not. He didn’t sound like he was leaving me in his note anyway,” he sighed, taking himself over to the armchair and sitting down.
“Ah...well, was the note grovelling enough?” Justin asked and Jason laughed.
“I guess. I’m still a bit pissed off mind you. He says he’ll call when his phone’s charged but I’m not holding my breath, I know what he’s like when he’s at these things, he can’t keep any notion in his head for more than ten seconds,” he said with a shake of his head.
“Mm, well you’ll just have to phone him then. Dad won’t notice at least, if you’re worried about the weekend that is,” Justin offered and Jason chuckled.
“That’s because, despite the fact we are neither identical nor easy to confuse, dad has always struggled to tell us apart. It’s his own unique talent. Meaning, therefore, that our spouses haven’t got a hope in hell,” he smiled and Justin laughed.
“You could bring anyone with you and just tell him it’s Howard. Seriously. Bring Gary or Mark or someone and it won’t make a scrap of difference...” Justin agreed, then he paused and Jason frowned slightly, wondering what was wrong.
“What is it?” he asked after a beat and Justin sighed.
“Look, you are ok aren’t you? You’re not just passing yourself off as alright but absolutely dying inside? Because if that’s the case then can you please save yourself a bit of pain and just be honest about it? Oh – and call someone else. I don’t do emotional stuff,” he said and Jason smiled.
“I swear to you I’m not dying inside. A little pissed off, a little upset, but nothing a nice rant down the phone at my husband won’t fix. You can stop panicking now, your duty to your twin is over,” he grinned and Justin let out a breath.
“Good.Oh, by the way, did mum ring you?” he asked and Jason smirked.
“Yeah. She promise you the ‘no prodigal son’ remarks too? We should go, even if we are hung-over. She worries about us you know,” he shrugged.
“So that’s where you get it from! Anyway, I’ll talk to you later, Jay, yeah? Enjoy ranting at your husband,” Justin told him before hanging up. Jason sighed and put the phone down, glancing briefly at the clock. Grace had choir practice tonight so she’d be out later than usual, but if he was going to beat the traffic he should probably head off now.
“Sure, I’ll break the news to your daughter that you’ve gone to get drunk on Carlsberg and fatten up on pastry, that’s just wonderful” he muttered with a roll of his eyes before grabbing up his keys and heading out of the door.
***
“Welcome to Denmark!” Crystal exclaimed, rushing towards Howard with her arms wide open, drawing the attention of half the airport to her as he appeared in the arrivals area. She stuck out like a sore thumb; her amber hair littered with a million different flashes of sparkly hairclips, her clothes so many different shades of neon that Howard felt sure you’d need sunglasses to look directly at her. Her tasselled bag flew out behind her as she ran, fluff and sequins falling off it left right and centre. He laughed as she bounded up to him, throwing her arms around him dramatically.
“Good to be here, now where’s that beer I was promised?” he joked and she gave him a playful thump to the chest as they began to move towards the taxi rank.
“Give me a chance, Donald!” she smiled before stopping suddenly and turning to him.
“What?” he frowned and Crystal bit her lip.
“Look, Jason is ok with this isn’t he? Even though he can’t come? Even though it’s his dad’s birthday party you say you’re missing by being here?!” she asked, hands on her hips. Crystal meant business when she put her hands on her hips and Howard had no doubt that if his answer didn’t please her or even if she suspected him to be lying to her then she would begin yelling things at him in a torrent of German whilst marching him around to departures and booking him onto the first plane back, refusing to even lower herself to saying goodbye to him, just continuing to yell out German insults at him until he disappeared through security.
“Crystal! What do you take me for?” he sighed and Crystal narrowed her eyes at him.
“I’m serious, Howard! And I meant what I said on the phone the other day. You’re crazy enough about this guy to have married him, and for some reason he actually agreed with the plan himself! Now that, that has got to be love. I wouldn’t marry you!” she pointed out sharply.
“Crystal...” Howard began but she waved a finger at him so he promptly stopped.
“No! Listen to me. You love him, a hell of a lot. And I’m guessing he’s equally crazy for you – he looked it, although, granted, it was his wedding day when I saw him...but still. If you screw this one up, it’ll mean two very badly broken hearts. Who knows, maybe you won’t get any chances to fix it either! Life’s a bitch that way, broken things can’t always be put back together. So just promise me you have thought coming on this trip through carefully, ok?” she demanded. Howard nodded.
“I have thought it through, Crystal, honestly. And in any case, if I’m over here then I can’t commit any monumental acts of stupidity back there can I? A whole weekend guaranteed of not screwing it up,” he smiled and Crystal relented at that, beginning to move off again.
“Ok. But I’m warning you now – if he kicks you out and you decide to finally take the plunge and come and live in Germany, I’m not putting you up. I will not forgive you if you ruin this you know! And no, it’s not coz I fancy Jason. I do fancy him, but that’s not the reason I’m saying all this. The actual reason is; I think you’d be an idiot to throw away what you’ve got with him. Now, let’s get ourselves to the hotel, shall we?” she said, fixing him with a stern glance.
“Crystal you are too good to me,” Howard smiled and Crystal nodded her agreement before shoving him into the first taxi she saw.
***
“Everyone knows that a good outfit is a good investment, Gaz,” Mark insisted as he tied Cadbury up outside the corner shop. Gary laughed, shaking his head, holding open the shop door and ushering Mark inside. They’d been having this discussion for the entire walk and Gary was out of arguments.
“Ok, fine, I believe you. But when we don’t have enough money for food, I hope you don’t mind me eating your shoes,” he shrugged and Mark looked genuinely horrified.
“You are not eating my shoes! I’ll just have to get someone I know to buy the outfit for me...it can be an anniversary present. After all, it’s coming up for our anniversary isn’t it?” he said after a pause.
“Got to get through Jason and Howard’s anniversary first – Jay won’t expect a card but he’ll damn sure get us one and I’m not having that sort of inequality thank you very much,” Gary told him, twisting his lips into a peculiar shape as he made a mental note to buy a card and make sure it was written out in time. Mark’s face had also clouded a little and he began to bite at his bottom lip.
“Howard and Jay are ok aren’t they...I mean...there’s not anything going on that Jay isn’t telling us about?” he asked cautiously and Gary let out a long sigh. He still hadn’t got over that worrying note in Jason’s tone earlier in the day. Although he had to admit, when he’d called to check everything was ok, Jason had sounded much brighter, despite the fact his husband had hopped on a plane with little more than a scribbled apology.
“Aside from Howard running away to Scandinavia you mean?” he asked, picking up essentials as they walked before finally casting his eyes on the biscuits section. Would he be daring this week and switch brands? Who was he kidding?! He reached for the McVities digestives, only to have his hand swatted back by an indignant Mark.
“Oh so your non-essentials are allowed!” he pouted and Gary laughed.
“Biscuits are cheaper than designer outfits,” he pointed out and Mark pulled a face.
“You could at least get some variety...how about these?” he offered and Gary looked appalled.
“Jam rings in tea?! Where is your sense of all that’s wholesome about the humble McVities?!” he questioned and Mark would have laughed, if he hadn’t known how serious Gary was.
“Fine, but I’m getting ice cream in that case. And marshmallows,” he put in.
“Ice cream?! It’s February! And freezing! It was snowing last Monday!!” Gary protested. Mark shrugged, giving Gary his sweetest smile.
“So? I want ice cream. Now, where were we?” he frowned and Gary thought a moment.
“Howard running away to Scandinavia,” he reminded Mark quietly. The truth was it did worry him, a lot more than he was willing to let on. Gary Barlow was not a man to take the task of friendship lightly, he knew exactly what it meant, understood the rules and values that it came with and the significant responsibilities it gave you. Friendship like his and Jason’s could provide him with a place to keep his secrets, somewhere to unload his woes, complete understanding in almost any situation and on-call interesting conversation with a dash of laughter for good measure. But Gary was a firm believer in earning such honours. It troubled him that in this instance, he hadn’t a clue what to say to try and help. Jason was angry but not devastated...and yet, shouldn’t he be? Shouldn’t he be throwing things or chucking Howard’s belongings out of windows? Gary was at a loss.
“So you think they are ok then?” Mark asked and Gary shrugged.
“Honestly? I don’t know. But Jason’s a tough cookie, I think it’ll take more than this to crack him. Besides, they could use the money, the rent on their place went up last month you know,” he said and Mark narrowed his eyes at him.
“Did you just call Jason a tough cookie?” he asked and Gary frowned.
“Yes...but...” he began but Mark just laughed brightly, hopping swiftly towards the counter.
“Again with the biscuits!” he beamed and Gary rolled his eyes, beginning to hand things to the shop assistant before pulling out his wallet.
“It’s an expression, Mark!” he defended, though he knew it was futile and Mark continued to giggle, even as they were untying Cadbury and walking home. It was just one of those nights, he supposed.
***
“We nearly ended up in Sweden!” Crystal announced overdramatically as she threw open the hotel room door and Howard rolled his eyes in amusement. In the room sat a gaggle of Crystal’s friends and whilst Crystal relayed her heavily embellished story to the main group, Howard made a beeline for a man stood a little apart from the others, leaning next to the room’s mini-fridge. Their little group consisted of six people, including himself and Crystal. A French girl named Eloise who worked with Crystal and her Irish boyfriend Glenn, Crystal’s best friend since school, Angelica, and then an old friend of Howard’s called Milton who used to play Manchester pubs before befriending Howard, taking a trip to Germany with him and ending up a regular in the orchestras of many Berlin shows, becoming bosom pals with Crystal along the way. Since Glenn was mad, Eloise disliked him and Angelica seemed engrossed in Crystal’s vastly exaggerated tale of their taxi journey from the airport, Howard was glad to see such a familiar face and Milton seemed equally relieved to see him, grabbing his hand for a firm handshake of hello, his eyes glinting brightly.
“Mate! How’s life treating you? How’s the Manchester pub circuit doing without me?” Milton asked him and Howard grinned, rolling his eyes.
“Dying without you, mate. But I’m doing ok. How about you?” he replied.
“Oh you know, same old. How’s Grace? And Jason?” Milton smiled. Howard pulled a face.
“They were good...until I put my foot in it at least. I may have killed their weekend. Don’t tell Crystal this but...I didn’t exactly get permission to ditch them for this,” he admitted and Milton raised an eyebrow, shaking his head slightly.
“Howard Donald you’re a regular scoundrel! But I won’t tell Crystal. Last time I got on her bad side it was not pretty, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. She’s got your best interests at heart though, How – everyone who knows you knows that Jason has been one of the most amazing things to ever happen to you. Me and Crystal had been telling you for ages you weren’t as energised as you used to be and then all of a sudden he came along and you just started to light up!” Milton reminded him.
“Don’t worry, I get it. Crystal is kind of like my guard dog...and sometimes it’s actually me sabotaging myself so...” he began and Milton chuckled.
“So she attacks you to defend you. Yeah, she’s good at that. Anyway, you fancy escaping this lot? I’ll go and help you set up if you like?” he offered and Howard smiled.
“Definitely. Although Crystal will follow us, you do realise that,” he pointed out. Milton looked at him carefully, narrowing his eyes slightly.
“Why? You giving her a reason to attack you?” he questioned, hitting Howard with a sudden wave of guilt. He still shook his head, however, and as he and Milton slipped out silently he reminded himself that he had to call Jason later. After all, he couldn’t risk doing anything else wrong this weekend, he had to at least manage to keep his promises.
***
As Izzy and Grace walked out of choir practice, Grace was still trying to get Izzy’s expert opinion on the best outfit to wear to Jason’s dad’s party. She was trying and failing to get across the point that whatever she wore couldn’t be too fancy as she and her mum had a long car journey that evening to go and see her grandparents for Sunday lunch when suddenly Izzy elbowed her sharply in the side.
“I thought you said your dad was picking you up tonight...” she frowned, nodding her head in the direction she wanted Grace to look. Grace looked up, trying to work out what Izzy was fussing about when she spotted Jason’s car, Jason leaning against it as he always did, staring down at his mobile with ominous intensity.
“That’s what I thought. Seriously Izzy, never have a DJ for a dad. I love my dad, don’t get me wrong. But is he ever in the place he says he will be?!” she laughed and Izzy grinned at her.
“Yeah well, you’ve got a nice back-up at least. Look, I need to run. See you tomorrow though!” Izzy smiled before dashing off. Grace called out her goodbye before rushing over to where Jason was still staring at his phone as if he was trying to will it into ringing.
“Hey kiddo,” Jason said as Grace came up to him and she smiled back at him warmly.
“Hey Jay – no offence to you or anything but where’s dad?” she asked and Jason laughed dryly.
“Oh just preparing to entertain the good people of Copenhagen tomorrow night. He got on a flight this afternoon...he promises to call but...” he shrugged and Grace rolled her eyes.
“Dad and organisation don’t mix?” she suggested and Jason nodded.
“I beginning to think that,” he said tiredly and that made Grace frown. What was that supposed to mean?! She tried to brush it off, climbing into the car and beginning to relay to Jason everything that had happened at school that day. But it still kept nagging at her.
The only thing that truly reassured her was the fact that Jason didn’t seem unusually quiet, in fact he was just as chatty as ever. He talked to her about his day in the studio, listened to her stories of her adventures with Izzy and Chris that day and even had a brief discussion with her about what her dad would be getting up to in Denmark. And yet she still couldn’t quite relax. She knew that, in so many ways, her dad and Jason were completely unmatched. Jason was tidy, her dad was a mess. Jason was organized, her dad was chaotic. Jason didn’t lose things, her dad would lose his own head if it wasn’t screwed on. Jason always thought everything through, her dad had a tendency to be impulsive. The list went on but it had never seemed to bother them that much. They just...worked around each other. In many ways she’d always thought that their differences somehow made them mesh, as if they were some crazy-beautiful jigsaw puzzle. Besides which, any idiot could tell they loved each other. Even when they were insulting each other the affection behind it was overwhelming. Jason would call her dad an idiot and her dad would call Jason evil and then they would give each other these glances that only they understood and then they’d kiss and Grace would declare them both disgusting. That was just how things worked. And it hadn’t exactly changed recently. It had been happening that morning over breakfast. God, it always had to happen over breakfast! If Grace didn’t appreciate the love which caused it so much, then the kissing over breakfast thing would probably be enough to make her take the plunge and move to London with her mum. Maybe. But she put up with it because the banter was funny and the love was tangible and it was just nice to be around them when all they ever seemed to do together was generate good vibes. They were spookily in sync and, above all, they were honest with each other. If her dad did something stupid, Jason would tell him, in no uncertain terms, and her dad would moan and maybe they would even argue for a little bit, but then they would take a step back and apologise and smile and then it was all over...and there’d probably be twice as much kissing over breakfast than usual the next day. Had the rules changed somewhere along the line? Was Jason no longer telling her dad when he was doing something stupid? Or was Jason just not sure what her dad was up to?
All night Jason watched the phone, one eye trained on it at any given time. It only made Grace wonder all the more and when it finally rang and a shudder of relief went through the entire apartment. Jason grabbed it up in seconds and Grace scrambled to mute the TV.
“You’re a complete git, you know that?” Jason answered bluntly and Grace stifled a laugh.
“I’m sorry. I am. I swear. I know I’m a stupid bastard but...ok, I don’t really have a plus point. But please, please don’t hate me, love, I hate when you hate me,” Howard pleaded and Jason sighed.
“I don’t hate you, How.”
“I hate when you don’t like me then.”
“Well then maybe you shouldn’t go running off to Denmark at the drop of a hat,” he remarked pointedly but Howard could tell he wasn’t as cross as he could have been.
“I’ll bring you back a pastry?” he offered hopefully and he could hear Jason suppressing a smile.
“Make it two and I might consider forgiving you. But only consider it. I’m serious Howard, I love you, but you aren’t half testing my patience these days. I mean, this isn’t your first mysterious disappearance. If you want to avoid me for some reason then avoid me, but warn me first, ok? Maybe even think of telling me why,” he demanded, his voice still sharp. It made Howard wince.
“God, Jay, no, I don’t want to avoid you I just...oh I don’t know. Jay, I’m sorry. I am. I’m more than sorry. I do love you, you know. So much, you have no idea...” he trailed off. Jason narrowed his eyes a little, trying to work out what was really on Howard’s mind and failing.
“What’s got into you, Howard? What’s getting to you so much you don’t think you can lay eyes on me without hurting me? Coz I’ve got news for you, the not laying eyes on me thing hurts me more than if you slapped me in the face so...” Jason sighed, his voice suddenly scarily soft.
“Jay...” Howard’s voice lurched pleadingly and Jason pursed his lips.
“No, look, it’s fine Howard. Can we just drop this now?” he said tightly. Howard felt awful hearing the defeated note in Jason’s voice.
“You don’t sound like it’s fine...” he began tentatively and Jason let out a long sigh.
“No. Honestly. It is. I know you’re sorry, I know you love me. Just...no more, ok love? Because you’re beginning to worry me,” he told him and this time he sounded like he meant it.
“I’m sorry...again...look, I don’t mean to worry you. I guess I just try so hard not to worry you that I end up doing the opposite. You know what I’m like,” Howard said and Jason smiled slightly.
“Yeah, I do. And you’re a hopeless case. But, for the record, I love you too. And I’d love you even more if you’d just believe me,” he murmured and Howard knew it was almost ok again when he heard that. It was almost banter now. Grace could feel it too, even with only half of the conversation she could still feel the return to something less serious, less scary. From her place on the sofa she let out a breath, sinking back against the cushions before casting a glance at Jason out of the corner of her eye, making sure he thought she was still glued to the TV, even if it was muted.
“Thank you,” Howard whispered earnestly.
“What for?” Jason asked, his eyes scanning the Manchester evening that was shimmering away outside.
“For forgiving me. For loving me. Actually scratch that; for putting up with me,” Howard smiled. Jason smiled too, shaking his head.
“It’s a two way thing,” he replied and Howard let out a breath he’d been holding since the conversation had started.
“How was the studio?” he asked tentatively.
“The world didn’t end. Mark and Gary are over the moon and that’s all I’m really bothered about....I miss you already, come home,” Jason said suddenly, taking Howard by surprise a little.
“I’ll be home by Sunday afternoon...” he began but Jason pulled a face.
“Yeah well, I’ll just have to take your word for that, however unreliable it is. Do you want to talk to your daughter?” he interrupted and Howard could only say yes in response. Of course he wanted to talk to Grace, but he had a nagging feeling that his and Jason’s conversation was somehow not over.
***
“Mornin’, I wasn’t expecting you to be in today,” Gary remarked, looking up from the crossword he and Mike were working on as Jason entered the shop. Jason laughed, shrugging off his coat.
“What, because my husband decided to trade me in for all the Carlsberg he can drink? It takes a bit more than that to stop me, Gaz. I would have been in earlier but I’d got the school run to do,” he smiled and Gary couldn’t help but smile back. Jason’s apparent good mood was unexpected, but it lifted a weight off his shoulders nonetheless.
“Good to know you’re not too distraught then. I have to say, it’s a relief to see you’re not shouting from the rooftops, beating your fist over your heart a lot and making dramatic declarations that ‘Love ain’t here anymore’ and the like,” Gary acknowledged and Jason raised an eyebrow.
“Gaz, what are you on about? Is that a song or something?!” he frowned and Gary paused.
“No...no, but it should be. Mark! Could you get me a pen and paper please?” he called out.
“What am I? Your slave?! I’ve got me hands full with the tea!” Mark called back quickly and Jason and Mike exchanged an amused glance.
“Alright, alright...piano. I need a piano...but first, think...think...” Gary muttered, distracted. Mike simply rolled his eyes then turned to Jason, waving the newspaper vaguely.
“Fancy helping us with sixteen across?” he asked, chewing the end of his pencil and Jason narrowed his eyes at Mike and Gary before folding his arms.
“That depends; have you bought that saxophone yet?!” he demanded and Gary and Mike both paused. Gary took a longing glance at his pianos and Mike grinned mischievously.
“Maybe, maybe I was just waiting to hear about my regular’s discount,” he suggested.
“Come on, Mike, you’ve had your eye on it for weeks – you should take the plunge. Would it help if I told you that you’re one of the most dazzling saxophonists I’ve ever met?” Jason charmed.
“I suppose it helps a little, yes. Tell me though, how many saxophonists have you been spending time with exactly?” Mike chuckled and Gary couldn’t help but join in with the laughter.
“You’re not playing by the rules here, Mike. You’re supposed to be too dazzled by his charm to argue,” he reminded Mike and Jason nodded his agreement.
“I’d rather be dazzled by the discount...” Mike tried again and Jason shook his head.
“No discount,” he said firmly and Gary wavered.
“Eh, it’s my shop...” he began but Jason smiled.
“But I’m the only one who can operate the new till,” he beamed and Gary knew he was beaten.
Just as Mark was appearing with the tea and Mike was digging in his pocket for his wallet, Jason’s phone began to ring and Gary couldn’t help but notice how quickly he snapped it up.
“Morning, idiot,” he greeted cheerily, his voice unwavering. Gary shook his head fondly as he scribbled lyrics down on the edge of his newspaper, Mark and Mike peering over his shoulders, all three of them trying desperately hard to pretend they weren’t listening.
“Morning, love. I’m still sorry, if that helps,” Howard responded softly and Jason nodded.
“I know you are, How. But you wouldn’t have to be if you just came back,” he told Howard frankly and he heard Howard’s sad laugh.
“I’m sorry and I love you but...it’d be stupid to come back now wouldn’t it?” Howard sighed.
“Maybe it would. Maybe I used to think we did stupid things for each other sometimes and not against each other, as is your new trend. How are you?” he shook off his disappointment a little too swiftly for Howard’s liking.
“I’m ok. Milton and Crystal are giving me hell on your behalf. I mean it, Jay, I love you...I just...” Howard tried. He could hear Jason’s slow smile down the line and he held his breath nervously.
“We covered this last night didn’t we? You’re just a completely useless lump who makes mistakes, I know. We keep deciding this but it really doesn’t get us very far does it. Anyway, you know I can only stay mad at you for about ten seconds,” Jason relented after a beat and Howard nodded.
“I’m lucky that way,” he smiled.
“Very lucky, remember that. Crystal will help you – remember, one phone call to her and I bet I could get you home by this afternoon,” he warned and Howard winced at the truth in those words. Then Jason noticed Gary stand suddenly from his chair and he watched in confusion as he all but ran into the back room, flinging himself onto the first piano stool, Mark following him excitedly.
“Here, love, you talk to Mike about the saxophone, I have to go now...” Jason said absently, handing his phone to a baffled looking Mike before going after Gary, who was playing something beautiful on his favourite baby-grand, Mark perched eagerly next to him on the piano stool.
“Gaz that’s beautiful,” Jason told him softly and Gary smiled.
“Thank you...but your appreciation should worry me you know...” he began and Jason frowned.
“Why?” he asked.
“Ah, why do you think?! “ Gary shot back and Mark grinned, waving the newspaper with the scrawled lyrics on it in Jason’s eye-line.
“Love Ain’t Here Anymore,” he smiled as explanation and Gary softly echoed him, but his words were sung. Howard could hear the distant sound of the notes and let out a sad sigh.
“Looks like I’ve lost him eh Mike?” he suggested.
“To the song? Yep, definitely,” Mike nodded and Howard pulled a face. He said a quiet goodbye and then put down his phone, lost in his own world. He hardly noticed Crystal watching him.
“Did you just say you lost him? That’s it, give me that phone, I’m booking flights...” she began and Howard could tell she was about to launch into German so he quickly waved his arms in protest.
“No, Crystal! I’ve not lost him lost him like that. I just...the conversation just...he got distracted...” Howard shrugged. He didn’t tell Crystal that Jason had never once cut him off in a phone call before.
***
“Howard!” Crystal’s voice screeched over the noise of the club. Howard looked up from his phone and, with a sigh, flopped down into the booth with her. Eloise eyed him as he sat down.
“Something wrong?” she asked him and Howard shrugged.
“Phone’s not working. Has anyone got one I can borrow?” he asked plaintively. Glenn began to delve in his pocket – he was a generous sort – but Eloise elbowed him in the side.
“You’ve got no credit,” she told him and he obediently sat back. Eloise was still sulking with Howard for spilling a glass of wine on her last night. It had been an accident but Eloise was quite proud of her ability to hold a grudge.
“Howard!” Crystal said again, this time reaching across to slap him on the arm. He looked over at her and realised that it definitely wasn’t Milton she was clutching to her. A tallish man wearing a bewildered expression was sitting where Milton had been earlier, Crystal’s arm linked through his, his blue eyes focusing determinedly on a point in the distance. Howard suspected he’d only not left out of some vague sense of politeness.
“Where’s Milton gone?” Howard asked and Crystal laughed at him, though the man who she was clinging to so tightly seemed to be more interested in the question being answered, as if the hope that he could escape there too.
“I don’t know, him and Angelica ran away. I want you to meet Tommy,” she began.
“It’s Thomas,” the man interrupted quietly and Crystal patted his chest affectionately.
“This is Tommy,” she told Howard in all seriousness and Howard raised an eyebrow.
“It’s Thomas,” the man repeated again, shifting slightly uncomfortably. Crystal smiled brightly.
“Tommy is Danish,” she said in a conspiratorial tone.
“Still called Thomas,” the man sighed tiredly.
“Are you drunk by any chance?” Howard asked her with a grin.
“Completely! Isn’t that right Tommy?” Crystal grinned, seeming quite proud of herself.
“Thomas. But yes, you are” the man agreed with a small smile. Howard chuckled and decided to off the man an escape option.
“Great to meet you, Thomas – I don’t suppose you have a phone do you?” he asked.
“Oh, Howard, you can’t take Tommy’s phone off him!” Crystal protested.
“Thomas. And yes, I do...” Thomas began, eyeing Howard and Crystal cautiously. Howard guessed he wasn’t sure which was the least dangerous path; staying with Crystal or giving his phone to a stranger. Crystal squeezed his arm then and he flinched slightly.
“But Tommy doesn’t want...” she began but Thomas shifted slightly.
“Thomas,” he interrupted quietly.
“Yes, Tommy doesn’t want to leave now! He’s staying with me! We’re in love!” Crystal declared and Thomas looked a little alarmed.
“About that phone?” Howard tried with a grin.
“Come on,” Thomas nodded and he slowly pulled Crystal off him. She was put out for all of a moment before suddenly finding some clarity in the fuzz of her brain.
“You still haven’t called Jason back after he ditched you this morning! Don’t lie to me! Oh my God, Howard, you know that was an invitation for you to do all the chasing don’t you?!!” she scolded but Thomas took Howard by the arm and tugged him away just as she descended into loud German chastisements that echoed across the club. He couldn’t blame her mind you, he knew she was right.
***
Mark and Gary sat on the floor in the middle of their flat, surrounded by scraps of paper, instruments, empty mugs, sweets and chocolate. Gary wasn’t sure why they were so happy to occupy such a disaster zone but they were and after Jonathan’s phone call earlier they were more than slightly determined. Jonathan had sounded his usual cheery self, breaking in his musicians gently before he even attempted to discuss business with them. But as soon as he had suggested putting together a set list for their demo, maybe even throwing in some tracks they’d never performed before, Mark and Gary had been on a mission. They loved this sort of thing. It was an excuse to pour over pianos, study sheet music, sing jokily to each other and gorge themselves on sugar. Cadbury had left them to it hours ago, the Coronation Street repeat had finally come around and he was not missing any more for the sake of their flirtation.
And flirtation it was indeed. Gary was scribbling away, humming things to himself occasionally, trying to ignore the sweets getting thrown in his direction. That was until one landed right in the middle of his tea. Mark gasped, putting a hand to his mouth before holding his hot chocolate and marshmallows protectively to his chest, his eyes as wide and innocent as he could muster.
“Cadbury! How could you!” he tried, stifling a giggle. The dog ignored him, eyes glued to the TV.
“Mark what has gotten into you tonight?!” Gary sighed after a beat, putting down his stuff.
“You mean tonight more than any other night? Nothing really. It’s Friday. We should live a little,” he beamed and Gary rolled his eyes.
“We are living a little, this is fun isn’t it?” he sighed and Mark thought a moment.
“Hmm, I guess. But I can think of more fun things...” he began and Gary laughed.
“Oh no you don’t! You were like this in the studio too, every time I try to work, you start getting ideas in your head!” he grinned.
“Yes, we were rather lucky Jason left early that day. I don’t think we’d hear the last of it otherwise,” Mark agreed with a shrug.
“Oh and he’s got room to talk!” Gary said with a shake of his head and Mark paused.
“Well, he didn’t used have room to talk. Until recently. Gaz...is it just me or is Howard hardly ever cluttering up the shop anymore?” he frowned and Gary paused.
“Don’t talk rubbish, he’s just been busy with work,” he dismissed, but the thought stayed with him and he couldn’t quite shake it.
***
Howard was glad to be coming home. He’d enjoyed Denmark, but he’d found he’d missed Jason more. Not that Jason would believe him if he said that. Well, maybe he would but he would tell him that it served him right. ‘I’m not angry, but you’re on probation, Donald’ had been his words when Howard had last spoken to him. Which, frustratingly enough, hadn’t been since their hurried conversation outside the club, Thomas hovering nearby and, unlike everyone else Howard knew, not even attempting to hide the fact he was listening. There was an authoritative and brazen way about the man that had meant Howard didn’t mind his eavesdropping too much and, to his credit, after taking back his mobile he disappeared back inside to keep Crystal company a little while longer. Crystal had been red with embarrassment the next morning as everyone relayed to her the full extent of her drunken abuse of his kindness, still affectionately patting him and calling him Tommy even as he helped her friends carry her to her taxi. Howard himself hadn’t been there to witness the goings on, disappearing back to the hotel as soon as his set was finished so as to berate himself for being an idiot and letting himself miss Jason so much it became almost painful. Their inability to communicate was an unfortunate side-effect of circumstances; between Jason’s dad’s party and Howard’s Sunday flight home there was little room for conversation and Howard knew that the absence of Jason’s blunt greetings was creating a rather large hole in his heart. It just wasn’t the same when Crystal swore at him, it was just as affectionate but somehow not as special and she and her friends were positively delighted when they’d packed him off to the airport, sending his somewhat gloomy vibes with him.
He all but burst through into their apartment, startling himself with his own momentum, though his dramatic entrance was wasted. Everything lay still and empty. The smell of Jason’s cooking lingered in the air but Jason himself seemed to be long gone. Howard checked the clock and frowned. Surely, if last night had been the success that Orange family parties usually were, then even Jason couldn’t have raised himself much before lunch. Howard dropped his bag untidily onto one of the sofas, inspecting the desk first for any indication of where Jason could have vanished to; a memo or an appointment slip. But there was nothing and the answer phone insisted there were no messages. He kicked off his shoes and padded down the corridor, sticking his head round the door of Grace’s room in the vague hope that Jason might be using her absence as an opportunity to tidy it up. But no. So, his shoulders sagging, he made his way into the bedroom and was suddenly hit by an overwhelming wave of a familiar scent; Jason’s shampoo. He scanned the room with eagle eyes, finally spotting the note that had been left for him on his pillow and Howard’s lips formed the ghost of a smile. Revenge. He threw himself down on the neatly made bed and began to skim over Jason’s neat handwriting; ‘If you dare screw this up or swear about me, I will have to hurt you, ok? How, I’m only mildly sorry for doing this to you. But you see, my mum called on Thursday. You know my mother, she’s a very lovely lady and every now and again she decides that she misses her favourite twins and needs to see them for Sunday lunch. She phoned to invite me and I couldn’t say no, you know I couldn’t because you know what me and my family are like – determined. I confess, at no point did I even think of telling you. I knew that by the time your flight got in and you came all the way back from the airport, I’d be tucking into some of my mum’s Sunday roast. I decided that it was only fair I didn’t tell you, just so you know how naff if feels to think you’re coming home to someone who isn’t there and only have a note to talk to, just to make sure that you don’t do it again. I’m not completely heartless though, I cooked you a little something to keep you going ‘til I get home and I even remembered to put some wine in the fridge. But you’d better save it ‘til I get home, or else! So, shall we draw a line under this entire debacle and get back to normal? That means no more avoiding me! I’ll stop calling you names now too, I’m running out of good ones. I love you, you daft tit (ok, now I’ll stop!) Jason.xxx’
Howard chuckled softly to himself, taking the note with him as he went to raid the kitchen for whatever it was Jason had left for him. Oh he knew he’d got it good alright. And he did feel appropriately scolded for his crimes. But as he reread Jason’s note one more time, he couldn’t help debate how best to protect Jason from the self-destruct button he knew he was prone to leaning on at the worst possible moment, because he was really running out of ideas and it was starting to stress him out.
Chapter Three
Jason wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting there staring at his book without reading it by the time Howard finally tumbled into the apartment. He had had time to think though, time go over in his mind all the reasons why he loved Howard so much and time to realise that that was exactly the reason why he hadn’t had enough long before now. Because, despite his warnings, Howard’s vanishing acts hadn’t ceased. No. They’d got worse, different. At some point Jason was struggling to identify, Howard had changed from merely taking longer to get home from his work, to going out at all hours to drink, all of the time avoiding something. Jason insisted that Howard could tell him what was wrong, but Howard would protest and assure him he was imagining things. Well, that was on the times when he was awake enough to talk. But most of the time Howard would arrive home in a state; Jason deduced this was not so much from drinking but more from a combination of drink, stress and tiredness. Howard was, quite possibly, getting less sleep than him. Although that was a difficult feat, because Jason felt like he hadn’t slept in months, every night lying awake and thinking the unthinkable.
He didn’t want to pack his suitcase, he didn’t like that thought. But he knew that Howard wasn’t going to snap out of this phase any time soon and he couldn’t help but worry about the fact he didn’t know what to do next. He was a man used to knowing what to do, when given enough time to think clearly anyway. And yet he had thought and thought about this and he still couldn’t be sure. Stay and wait for the inevitability of his heart giving way under the strain and simply falling to pieces? Or go and...go and what? Leave Howard for good? No, that would just shred his heart into pieces too and he knew that loving Howard had ruined him for all others, he couldn’t love again and if leaving Howard broke his heart then that would be the end of it, simple as that. The pain was unbearable sometimes. And it did shoot through him, raw and paralysing. Not that he could tell anyone. He had thought about telling Gary, but poor Gary tied himself in knots worrying about him as it was, he didn’t want to give him any great cause for concern. But the one person on whom he could count to listen to everything was the one person who barely listened to a word he said, the one person causing him all this trouble.
Jason looked at Howard, took in his dishevelled appearance and his unfocused eyes. He knew that to turn his back on this man, even for a little while, would be like chopping off a limb. And then he remembered something his dad had said to him once, something about how sometimes people would have to lose whole arms just to stop their pain from killing them. It was true that the shock would hurt just as much, it was true that they would probably never stop missing the amputated limb. But they survived. And in that moment, Howard standing out like a sore thumb in the neatness of their apartment, Jason couldn’t help but think that survival was the only thing he could really hope for in this situation. He had to cut off the limb, he had to work out how to live with the ache it would cause him and keep going until a day when the ache got duller and he could maybe start to think about what would happen next. Or at the very least, he had to see how they both coped, attempt to shock Howard’s system as much as his own in the hope it might just fix things.
Howard wavered a little on his feet, looking slightly uncertain in his place in the doorway. Jason noticed the way his dark curls had tangled together, as if he’d been running his hands through them many times. What he had been thinking so hard about, however, was a mystery to Jason. He raised his bright blue eyes to meet Howard’s, their glittering light cutting through the unfocused look on Howard’s face and touching something somewhere inside him. Did Howard know? Jason wondered briefly, sure that Howard could somehow tell what was on his mind. But whatever ability Howard Donald possessed to read Jason Orange had been dulled greatly by his night out and so Jason sighed softly to himself, quietly closing his book and fixing his gaze on Howard, his head on one side.
“Well you must have had quite the night. Do you remember much of it?” he asked, his voice little more than a whisper; it was all he dared let out, for fear his heart might fall out with his words and his tears might not stop before morning. Howard swayed slightly once more but Jason refused to waver from his choice. He could see a distant guilt in Howard’s face, could tell that he was so close to getting through to him. But it was no use, Howard’s eyes remained unfocused and Jason forced himself to take a deep, steadying breath.
“Um...” was the only sound Howard could muster and sadly Jason nodded. He may be close to getting through, but clearly not close enough. Silently he pushed himself up from the chair, picking up his wine glass and moving towards the sink. He noticed the instinctive way Howard followed him, standing awkwardly in the middle of the kitchen, watching Jason wash out his glass. Strangely there was no tension pressing in on them or choking them. Instead an eerie calm hung between them, like some unfortunate and twisted version of the easy silence they usually enjoyed. Jason swallowed hard, his throat burning.
“Aren’t you slightly too young to be having a mid-life crisis?” he asked steadily, vaguely hoping that the insult of such a suggestion might prompt some explanation of the real problem. But as he turned to look at Howard once more, he saw his beautiful face was merely contorted fuzzily.
“That’s not it, Jay,” Howard mumbled vaguely and Jason could only nod softly, looking down with a shiver of unshakeable sadness. So he really would have to pack his bags and go. Finally Jason folded his arms and looked up at Howard with so much pain in his blue eyes that Howard looked away.
“No. And yet here we are...” Jason murmured into the quiet, all the while his bright eyes fixed on Howard. He could tell there were tears threatening to spill over but he ignored them.
“What are you doing up anyway?” Howard asked him with a defensive note to his voice. Jason looked at him with a ghost of a smile.
“Loving you,” he replied simply and without another word he pressed a kiss to Howard’s cheek before stepping around him and making his way down the corridor. Tomorrow night he wouldn’t be here for this torture, he reminded himself as he closed the bedroom door behind him. But then the tears came and his knees buckled and he slid down the door, giving in to them. He pulled his knees to his chest and he cried. No, tomorrow he wouldn’t have to do this. Tomorrow would be far worse. Tomorrow he would be alone with the ache of what he had lost. And he still wouldn’t know what to do next.
***
“Your shoes are too bloody pointy!” Gary complained grouchily, throwing a shoe in Mark’s direction to emphasise the statement. Mark simply laughed, hopping swiftly out of the way and letting the shoe whizz past him before hopping back into place.
“Ah, well, you see, this is why you shouldn’t fall asleep in wardrobes,” he shrugged chirpily.
“Actually, why am I in the wardrobe?” Gary frowned, rubbing his eyes tiredly and looking around him in confusion. Mark’s eyes danced with mischief and he raised an eyebrow.
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” he smirked, folding his arms as if he was very proud of himself. Gary groaned when he saw that smirk, a dim recollection coming into his mind of Mark insisting he put a dash of brandy in his tea. He had to confess that after that, things got a little blurry.
“Actually...I’m beginning to think I wouldn’t like to know. How drunk was I exactly? I mean, on a scale from that time that you, me, Jay and Howard convinced ourselves that playing Twister whilst drunk was a good idea to...the time the four of us started dancing on the bar at The Crown...” Gary sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Mark laughed even more at that.
“As I remember it, you got up on the bar and started singing. Me and Jay started dancing just to back you up. And Howard never joined us; he was busy filming it all on his phone,” he recalled happily and Gary shrunk back into the sea of pointy shoes which had been his bed last night.
“Oh God, don’t remind me. Look, just tell me; did you let me outside the house or is it just you and Cadbury I have to apologise to for whatever embarrassing actions I was responsible for last night?” he mumbled and Mark shrugged.
“Just me and Cadbury. He was trying to catch the late-night repeat of Corrie. He may never forgive you,” he nodded and Gary laughed.
“And what about you, did I ruin your night too?” he smiled and Mark shook his head.
“Definitely not – you’re always so affectionate when you’re drunk! Well, apart from choosing to sleep in a wardrobe rather than our bed. I don’t mind that too much though, I had a great dream to make up for it. My hat was on fire...” Mark began to relay the dream and Gary raised an eyebrow.
“Sounds more like your idea of a nightmare,” he remarked and Mark pouted.
“It was amazing actually...” he began to protest, but the sound of the phone ringing cut him off.
“Oh bugger, the answer phone’s still on. Here, give me a hand up would you,” Gary said and Mark obliged, following him into the lounge to find out who was calling. Gary’s heartbeat quickened slightly when he heard Jason’s voice, small and fragile, on the answering machine.
“Hey Gaz...I uh...I just wanted to let you know I don’t think I’ll make it into work today. Sorry...I just...I just need to take a day or two. If you need me you can reach me at Justin’s. You know the number. Cheers mate. Bye,” Jason said and with that the message cut out. Mark and Gary stared at the machine as if it had been possessed. If Jason was staying at Justin’s then...no, surely not.
“Gaz...” Mark said in a small voice and Gary looked over at him slowly.
“Yeah?” he asked, his mind still fretting desperately. His best friend was hurting – he needed to be there for him, but he was still trying to work out what could have happened.
“Tell me everything is going to be ok,” Mark whispered to him pleadingly, coming over and tugging hopefully at Gary’s hand. Gary clutched onto him gratefully and his eyes steadied his racing mind.
“Everything’s going to be ok,” he assured blankly. Though neither of them believed it one little bit.
***
When Howard woke his head was pounding and he winced against the bright light that filled the room. He pushed himself up, taking in his surroundings. The lounge was much as it had been last night. Everything tidy. Jason’s book was gone from the coffee table though and, since Howard had spent the night on it, the sofa was a good deal more rumpled than it had been the night before, its cushions dented, some of them on the floor. He yawned loudly, pushing himself along the sofa slightly and then pausing to recover himself. He knew instantly that Jason had gone. Howard couldn’t explain how or why he knew it, but he did. He couldn’t be sure if he was gone for a little while, out on an errand, off to work early or unexpectedly summoned by his family, but something told him it would be none of these things. Jason’s warm presence was so entirely, painfully absent that it sent a cold shiver through Howard’s spine and he slowly curled his fingers into his hands, digging his nails into his palms. He was an idiot. He was a first class tit. He was a prize bastard. Jason was gone and he knew it wasn’t just an errand or an early start. The way Jason’s absence permeated through every fibre of his being told him that something bigger had happened; he’d screwed it all up. Through his own paralysing fear of damaging everything he had crushed Jason’s heart and ended up ruining it beyond repair.
Outside Manchester was continuing with its morning routine as if everything was normal and for some reason that horrified Howard. Because everything was definitely not normal. His entire world had been knocked on its side – admittedly through his own stupidity – and slowly he could feel all the light seeping out. He was the one who had spilt it, he was the one who needed to clean it up. But he didn’t even know where to begin and the rest of the world was just ignoring it. Letting all the colour drain away, letting everything fall apart around him. His own fault or not it seemed so cruel that they could just carry on. Every inch of Howard’s body ached and, other than his sore head, he knew this was no after-effect of alcohol. No, this was something much worse. This was pure, unadulterated loss. Patient, beautiful, kind , loving Jason. Who had loved him and loved him and kept loving him and waited and waited and kept waiting for him to come home...had turned his back and walked away. Howard felt like someone had blown out the candle that had been sustaining him, leaving him to sit, forgotten, in the dark. The blackness hovered on the edge of his vision, beaten back only by the sunlight which insisted on pretending nothing had happened at all. He found himself sitting in the middle of the room watching the sunbeams play movies to him, little clips of all the small things Jason did that made him so truly stunning in Howard’s eyes; Jason’s quiet humming as he busied himself with his cooking, Jason rolling his eyes as some obscure dance track blared out from his usually peaceful stereo, Jason kissing Howard’s temple and telling him to get some rest after a big gig, the way Jason would pull slightly on the top corner of the page as he was reading, the look in his eyes as he looked out of the large windows and studied the world, the quiet smile of thought on his face as he played his guitar. There were so many Howard had to close his eyes a moment and when he opened them again the sunbeams showed him a little compassion and put the images away.
Grace was sat at the breakfast bar, eating a breakfast that had clearly been made by Jason. She glanced at him over her shoulder, her glare sending a jolt of guilt through him. Also on the breakfast bar sat a large glass of water and two small pills that Howard could only assume were aspirin, and propped up by them was a single, brief note. He got unsteadily to his feet, shuffling over and taking up the aspirin in his hands, knocking them back before snatching up the note, written in a more fragile version of Jason’s neat handwriting; ‘Take these and then eat something. Take care of yourself. Jason x’ was the note’s simple instruction and something about it shattered what little composure Howard had. He crumpled, falling dejectedly onto the stool in front of him and burying his face in his hands. Grace eyed him calmly.
“He left your breakfast on the side. He said five minutes in the microwave,” she informed him steadily, jumping down from her stool and taking her plate over to the sink, dumping it before turning around to look at him.
“Sweetheart...” Howard began but Grace pursed her lips.
“Save it, dad. I don’t want to know what happened, ok? Just fix it. There’s messages for you on the answer machine. Oh – and just so you know, if this ends in divorce? I am so going to live with Jason,” she told him calmly before breezing off to go and get her school bag.
Nervously Howard wandered over to the phone. Three messages.
“Howard!! You called me last night and you sounded so out of it I thought I’d better return your call. Listen, I don’t know what is going on in that thick skull of yours but I don’t think it’s good. I’ve left a message on your mobile too and you’d better call me back or I’m coming over there to sort you out! Remember, I’ll find out if something’s happened you know! I have friends in convenient places!! Return my calls please, or else!!” Crystal half-barked at him down the line. He winced. Next message.
“Look, Howard, mate, I don’t know what happened but...I just need you to know that I can only be on one side of the fence here. Please don’t make this hard for me. I don’t really know what’s going on right now but...for his sake as well as mine, just steer clear of the shop for a bit? Sorry Howard, I am. But I’m a loyal old sod. I’ve got to go. Sort it out Howard, please,” Gary’s gentle plea almost made him smile as much as it made him want to cry.
“Howard Donald I will hurt you!! For fuck’s sake! He’ll hardly bloody talk to me, to anyone. When he finally breaks his silence I will find out what you did and I will punish you appropriately. No one breaks my brother, ok? Don’t bother calling back,” Justin hissed, breaking the moment. His call ended with the sound of the phone being slammed down. But it somehow washed over Howard. He’d decided from the moment he had noticed Jason’s absence that this was one of the most crushing mornings of his life. Everyone else’s comments? They were hardly even salt in the wound.
***
“Hello?” the croaking voice on the other end of the line was barely recognisable to Gary and that frightened him. He closed his eyes and sighed.
“I tried your mobile but couldn’t get through – Jay, mate, what the hell’s going on?!” he asked, rubbing his fingers along his forehead. Mark held him in a supportive embrace but still his heart hovered somewhere between his mouth and his chest, he couldn’t help it.
“Yeah...I uh...I had to turn it off. Howard kept calling it...he...I...just not right now, you know?” Jason mumbled. Gary’s brow knotted further.
“Jay, what on earth...” he began but he stopped as he heard Jason sniff sadly. He’d obviously been crying for a long time, but was he still crying? Mark could feel Gary start to fret and he rubbed his hand over his back calmingly.
“I’d just had enough of it, Gaz...the not coming home...even when he was at home his mind was somewhere else and I just...I just couldn’t keep it up any longer so I...oh God, Gaz, have I just made some awful mistake? Is there some better way to do all this and I’m just making things worse?” Jason half-choked and Gary’s mouth opened and closed soundlessly for a few moments.
“Jay...” he began in a soft voice but a sound cut him off. A sound he had known was coming but a sound that stabbed through him sharply nonetheless. Jason’s voice simply cracked, he choked; a strange soft, watery cough that timidly descended into sobs.
“I do love him, Gaz...I don’t want it to be over, but if he doesn’t realise then...what else can I do?” he whispered through his sobs and Gary looked at Mark in slight desperation. Mark, who couldn’t really hear what was being said, could only offer him a sympathetic squeeze on the shoulder, looking at Gary with wide, sad eyes.
“I know, Jay, I know...” was all that Gary could murmur and Jason sniffed, though the sobs continued, a little more quietly but they were still there all the same.
“I don’t know how to love anyone else Gaz, and I wouldn’t be interested in learning how to,” Jason told him quietly and Gary knew he had to ask but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Mark knew too and he gave him an encouraging nod, holding onto him a little tighter in support.
“So then...where um...where does that leave you exactly?” Gary winced at last. Jason laughed an empty laugh and sniffed again.
“You mean am I still wearing my wedding ring? Yes, I am. I’m battered but not broken Gaz. I mean it; I am the perfect mould and fit for one man only. And I won’t change that. I wouldn’t want to if I could,” Jason’s voice got a little stronger as he spoke and Gary couldn’t help but smile at that. He remembered all the times he had had conversations with Jason where the roles were reversed, where he was the one in some scrape or stumble, and never once had he been able to say he was battered but not broken. Gary was not ashamed to admit that you might as well slap a huge fragile sticker on his forehead for all that he could keep it together in a crisis. He didn’t come with the same head-held-high gene that Jason’s family all shared. He’d eat too much and he’d cry too much and he’d wallow too much and then Jason and Mark and Dawn and his family would all appear on the edge of his vision, working on the disaster zone with care and caution. But Jason’s heart was being hammered on and it still wouldn’t break. The downside was, Gary supposed, that Jason’s heart was not so easily put back together as his own.
“ So you’re just...you’re just what?” he asked after a pause and Jason swallowed. Gary was mildly astonished by the fact he seemed to have pulled himself together already.
“Exactly; I’m just. I exist and I love him and that is all there really is. I can’t really look beyond that right now because...because right now there’s no plaster I can stick on this. I exist and I love him – present tense. No past, no future. And that is the hardest thing. He keeps calling and I know I can’t answer. His voice will have me right back next to him in seconds because...” Jason broke off and took a shuddery breath. Gary nodded quietly.
“Because loving someone that way doesn’t really come with an off button. And even if it did? You’d feel guilty as hell if you pressed it,” he said and he could almost hear Jason’s faint smile.
“Yeah. That’s the one. Look, don’t worry about me, Gaz. My brothers are already assembling some sort of crisis meeting downstairs and the only good thing about the stress that’s causing me is it keeps me busy enough not to get out my car keys and drive home. Seriously, if you and Mark dare worry about me I’ll have to leave the country, there’s enough worry for all Manchester from mum alone. Could you do just one thing for me though?” he asked and Gary nodded.
“Of course, anything,” he agreed and Jason took a breath.
“Worry about Howard for me? If he...if he turns up drunk or if he forgets to pick up Grace or...just...just keep an eye on him yeah? I want him to clear his head, not mess it up even more,” he said at last and Gary smiled. Typical Jay, loving to the last.
“Consider it done,” he nodded and finally he hung up, determined to channel all his worry in Howard’s direction...or at least to pretend to for Jason’s sake.
***
Howard sat alone at the breakfast bar, listening to the sound of the empty apartment. He didn’t like it this way. It hadn’t been this way since Jason had been kidnapped – was that really only a year ago? God, Howard thought of it as so distant, and yet the sharpness of that pain, the sickness and the worry that had come with it, was all still so fresh in his mind. He didn’t think his memory of that would ever fade. The only reason he and Jason had returned so easily to normality was that all they needed for normality was each other; his and Jason’s heartbeats matched so easily. They could be apart for weeks, months even, and still be in sync when they were reunited. No click back into place, no having to remember what it was like to hear each other breathing, just...just back to life. Back to life...now wasn’t that just the perfect phrase? Because every time Jason’s heartbeat was returned to his side, his own heartbeat would start up again. After the kidnapping just as easily as after a long night at work or even a trip to the shops. Oh sure, Howard could hear that sound, that dull thud against his ribcage that told him his heart was still going. But it was a hollow sound. All the feeling had been knocked out of it. Or rather...all the feeling had drained away from it. Because his world was still, most definitely, on its side and the colours and lights that made it up were still all trickling away. How had he managed to do this? Why did he have this unique talent for knocking the world off its axis? And then he realised; it had never done this before. The relationships had soured and ended and disappeared. But the world had still turned around beneath his feet.
He was staring blankly at the collection of letters in his hands, still backlogged by weeks. He’d sorted all the important stuff, all the bills and official-looking letters. Now it was just a random assortment of distant acquaintances and junk. He couldn’t concentrate on any of it though. His new black and white universe was blurry and letters jumped and skipped about with little thought as to his ability to make sense of them. Maybe this was his punishment for all those relationships he had hardly thought about since they had fallen apart. He was a reckless captain, forced to go down with the only ship he’d ever made any attempt not sail through a storm. He tried to get the notion from his head but it wouldn’t leave, only quietening briefly to allow him time to raise an eyebrow at a strange looking letter from some place he didn’t know, written in handwriting he couldn’t place and postmarked a good month back. But as his fingers hovered over the letter, a sudden surge of rage overtook him. How could he be so casual as to look through his post when he’d forced the love of his life out of the door? He snarled slightly at the thought, suddenly throwing the pile of mail across the room with significant force. He didn’t care where they landed. What was the point in looking through them? None of them could rewind time. None of them could change the fact he was a complete idiot who couldn’t even get loving someone right. He stroked his wedding ring lovingly and the dull murmur of Jason’s heartbeat briefly skittered across his own. He closed his eyes and sank further and further down until finally his head was pressed to the coolness of the breakfast bar.
“I don’t know what to do Jay...I don’t know what to do...” he whispered to the wedding ring. But he broke down crying before the ring could remind him; ‘Always’.
***
Mark and Gary stood either side of the baby-grand, staring at the disc that lay between them. Of all the days for Jonathan to stop by with their demo, this was probably not the best one. Jonathan himself had remained blissfully unaware of any trouble; he’d been running late for a meeting with someone and he’d barely had time to throw the disc in their direction before he’d been heading out of the door again. They wouldn’t have told him even if he’d stopped though and both of them had simply mumbled at their shoes when he’d commented ‘Oh, no Jay?’ before he left. They didn’t think it would be right to share Jason’s plight around so easily and they certainly didn’t want to hear his traditional lecture about relationships in bands; ‘Look what it did to Abba!’, it was always the same warning. No, they had kept their mouths shut and now all they could do was stare at the disc like it might burn them. They’d had a lot of fun recording it, even Howard and Jason had enjoyed it. Mark narrowed his eyes at the disc, folding his arms.
“We could listen to it...” he said slowly and Gary pulled a face.
“A bit...weird isn’t it? Listening to yourself?” he replied, sitting himself down at the piano stool, his fingers instinctively taking a dance across the keys. Mark rolled his eyes.
“Don’t even pretend, Barlow! You love the sound of your own voice. You’d sing rather than talk if you thought it wouldn’t get you funny looks,” he grinned, pulling a packet of Jelly Babies from his jeans pocket and pouring them out onto the top of the piano.
“What are you doing?!” Gary demanded, his hands gripping protectively to the baby grand.
“Arranging my Jelly Babies! I like the pink ones best,” Mark shrugged, starting to create colour-coded piles. Gary still looked at him in confusion, his eyebrows quirked upwards.
“But...my piano...and besides; what about the disc?” he stammered and Mark chuckled.
“But I thought listening to yourself was weird!” he exclaimed dramatically. Gary pouted.
“It’s yourself too. And Jay’s self...and How...oh bugger. Howard...” he sighed and Mark pulled a face.
“I know, right? I did that. Got all excited then remembered about Howard. You got any ideas yet about how we can keep an eye on him?” he asked. Gary shook his head.
“Not really. But since it’s the only thing Jason’s asked me to do for him in this whole mess then I should get my act together,” he said and a mischievous glint appeared in Mark’s eyes. He stopped, a green Jelly Baby hovering just over the green pile before being diverted directly to Mark’s mouth with a flourish. A dusty white patch appeared on the corner of Mark’s lips and his pointy tongue shot out quickly, licking it off, his eyes still flashing.
“We could play detectives! I could get a dark trilby pulled down low over my face and smoke a lot, and you could sit in your car with a camera and a serious look in your eyes, being all sexy and sinister,” he suggested and Gary laughed.
“Have you and Cadbury been staying up watching late-night detective shows again?! That dog’s a bad influence on you!” he chuckled and Mark threw a red Jelly Baby at him in protest. Effortlessly Gary caught it and popped it in his mouth and Mark frowned.
“Who are you and what have you done with my husband?!” he joked and Gary raised an eyebrow.
“I don’t know...the last time I actually managed to catch something I think I was still in school...” he shrugged and Mark giggled.
“Hand-eye coordination not your thing? Don’t worry, I make up for it,” he beamed.
“You? Sorry Marko, I love you, I do, but you’re a chaotic little thing,” Gary said, shaking his head.
“Hey! I can break dance can’t I!” Mark protested, hands on his hips.
“Only because Jay taught you,” Gary pointed out.
“So! It’s more than you can! I think I’ll teach Cadbury. Me and Jason and Cadbury can form a little dance troupe then and you can sing us the songs to dance to,” Mark smiled.
“Already planning the band line-up post-Howard are you?” Gary sighed and Mark tilted his head.
“You really think there’s going to be a post-Howard line-up?” he asked.
“What? You giving up on the band already?!” Gary exclaimed and suddenly they both became very aware of the disc, burning up the air between them.
“No! No...I just meant...well...Jay and Howard they’re...they go together like...” Mark tried to explain himself and Gary smiled.
“If you say ‘like Ram-a-lam-a-lam-a...’ then I’m going to have to slap you!” he laughed. Mark pouted but his eyes were aglow with amusement.
“Shut up, I was being serious!” he chuckled and Gary shrugged.
“Today’s been too serious though. But I know what you mean, Marko. I’d be half a person without you and, although Jay is a little stronger than that, the principle is the same for him. Jay is scarred but he’ll heal and when he does? He won’t back down. Those Orange genes are made of sterner stuff,” Gary nodded slowly and Mark smiled.
“So what do you say to putting the disc somewhere safe and saving it for a less-rainy day?” he asked and Gary met his eyes with a grin.
“I say ‘Perfect, now let’s put the kettle on’ to which you reply...” Gary offered. Mark clapped his hands delightedly and popped two pink Jelly Babies into his mouth.
“Yes please, extra sugar please!” he enthused, mouth full, and Gary laughed, pushing himself up from the chair and heading into the back room.
***
Jason sat in the kitchen, staring into his mug of tea whilst his brother shooed the final stragglers of the Orange clan out of the door. He stroked a thumb absently along the pattern on the mug, waiting for the real inquisition to begin. That was one of the few good things about his family’s crisis-meetings; so there was always such a vast array of over-blown concerns that whoever it was whose personal troubles were the original cause of the panic could usually make themselves blend into the background quite easily whilst the rest of the family discussed their wellbeing and bickered over courses of action. But he knew that once they were all out the door then Justin would be onto him for the real story. His brother had been kind enough to not ask too many questions when he’d first turned up that morning and had instead taken it upon himself to rouse every sibling in the Manchester area (and those further afield, though he spared them a summons to the house at least) whilst Jason had avoided Howard’s calls and spoken to Gary.
Justin appeared in the doorway, looking at Jason enquiringly, but Jason avoided his gaze. With a sigh he came over to the kitchen table, sinking down into the seat next to Jason and folding his arms.
“Ok, now the rabble’s gone, are you going to go into any more detail about what’s going on here?” he asked and Jason stared even deeper into his tea.
“Do I have to?” he asked, his voice soft but steadier than it had been earlier.
“Come on, Jay, you know how this family operates. We all rally round and then one person volunteers to pick up the pieces. And since we’re twins, it’s usually my responsibility when it comes to you. Not that I’ve ever really been called on but still. I know you’ve told Gaz what’s going on – you said more to him in that one phone call than you have to any of us lot all morning,” Justin reminded him and Jason smiled slightly.
“I’m sorry Justin, I am. But there’s just not that much to tell. It’s like I said, I’d had enough of Howard’s vanishing acts...and I just thought...if I could beat him to it at the vanishing act then...it might be best for both of us,” Jason explained slowly, looking up at his brother with eyes that had finally regained some of their composure. That reassured Justin greatly. He wasn’t used to seeing Jason as broken as he had been when he’d arrived that morning. Neither of them really did falling apart and each of them considered the other to be one of the strongest people they knew. To Jason, Justin was the twin who fell off a bike, scraped up his knee and sprained his wrist, but still managed to cycle home without one tear in order to tell their mum. And to Justin, Jason was the twin who took control the week their dad left, looked after everyone without faltering even once. And, just for the briefest of moments, Justin could see that same person lingering in those blue eyes. That was what he had really needed to know and, assured of it, he decided to press on.
“Seriously though Jay, you’re my twin brother, yeah? If any bastard hurts you, it’s my job to make ‘em regret it...” he began and Jason narrowed his eyes at him.
“Justin – what did I tell you about threatening Howard! If you hurt so much as one hair on his head I will know about it and I won’t tolerate it, ok? That’s still my husband you’re talking about and I’m not having it,” he warned, eyes flashing with sudden conviction. Justin held up his hands in mock surrender. Then something struck him.
“Is he? Still your husband?” he questioned and Jason paled slightly, his eyes clouding. He sniffed, chewing his lip and staring back down into his tea. Then, slowly, he tapped his ring against the ceramic with a tight little clink, looking up at Justin pointedly.
“Yes, he is. I’ve made pretty specific vows to him, Justin, you’d know if you’d bothered to listen to our wedding service,” he remarked. Justin pulled a face.
“I did listen, I just didn’t commit it to memory,” he muttered and Jason rolled his eyes.
“I made a promise that I would love him for his faults and despite his faults, amongst other things. And I do. Love him, that is. And I don’t care if some God-like creature walks into this room tonight and begs me to love him instead, my heart will still only belong to one person. I love Howard, irreversibly,” he told his brother quietly, closing his eyes to ensure no fresh waves of tears could arise. Justin sighed, leaning forwards and propping his head up on his hand.
“Yeah but...but come on Jay, what is love? It’s not exactly tangible or...or understandable. It’s just...there. You cannot be sure of anything about it, so how do you know there isn’t some other love out there for you, just waiting for you to ditch Howard and run?” he suggested.
“Justin, what is your problem with Howard? Stop it!” Jason protested and Justin shrugged.
“What?! Come on then, if you think that’s wrong. What is love?” he asked.
“A science of faith,” Jason answered in a whisper, still gazing into his mug. Justin paused.
“Ok...” he said, slightly surprised. Jason smiled quietly, his eyes shimmering vaguely at something Justin couldn’t be sure of.
“The way I love Howard just...it just forces me to have so much faith in what I feel and faith in him and...well if I lost that faith then my heart would be broken and that would be the end of it,” Jason sighed and Justin frowned at him.
“I don’t understand...” he began and Jason put down his mug, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“I put my faith in Howard a long time ago. I put my heart in his hands and gave up any claim to it. It’s not my heart to give away. And if he breaks it? Then there is nothing to give. I love Howard, Justin. I love him and that’s the only thing I can tell you with any certainty right now. All the other stuff, all the practical stuff about what to actually do about this whole mess? I. Don’t. Know. And I’m sorry to snap at you but I just...I...don’t know...” Jason trailed off, taking a deep breath.
“Ok. Ok. You can stay as long as you need, Jay, however long it takes you to figure it out,” Justin told him quietly, giving him a caring smile and Jason smiled back slowly.
“Thank you,” he said and Justin reached across the table to squeeze his hand.
“Hey, no thanks required. Just...keep being the brother I know and love, yeah? I don’t want a wreck where my twin used to be,” he grinned and Jason laughed softly.
“I’ll do my best,” he agreed and with that, Justin got up, presumably to go and relay their entire conversation to their mother. But Jason didn’t mind, that was what family was for, after all.
***
Howard stood at the large windows, looking out with sore eyes. He was done with the whole crying, talking to himself bit now. And the anger was gone too. He still hated himself, but he wasn’t about to berate himself any more for his stupidity. He’d dealt with that urge the only way he knew how; phone Crystal and tell her the whole sorry story. After a twenty-minute long German rant of which he’d only understood about one word in ten – but even from that information alone he could tell she wasn’t happy with him – she had proceeded to remind him how close it was to his anniversary, how wonderful and patient Jason was and how he needed to get his act together because he was the only one with the ability to fix this mess and then finally she had slammed down the phone on him. She had, in her defence, called back half an hour later to comfort him a little. But he knew as well as she did that he was the only one to blame. Any normal person would not have let the love of their life think they were being avoided. Because, whilst that was true, it wasn’t entirely about avoidance. It was forced avoidance, a battle of wills against between his desire to be with Jason and his determination not to hurt him. Howard had decided with absolute certainty that the best way to keep Jason safe from his tendency to wreak havoc was to keep Jason away from him altogether. He’d been so set on the idea that he would force himself to stay out that extra hour and then drink too much as he tried to forget how much he missed Jason’s laugh, his thin frame in his arms, his breaths against his skin. He’d been so determined not to hurt Jason that he’d forgotten to pay attention to the man himself. And look where that had gotten him. But really, what was there to do? No one could offer him any advice on how to win Jason back. In any case, if he’d shattered Jason’s heart was there really any way he could ever work out how to put it back together? Jason was such a complex creature. All beautiful things were.
Howard sighed and wandered back over to the breakfast bar, inspecting the sandwich he had made for himself with mild distaste. He thought back to that morning, remembering the fact that Jason had still looked after him, even as he was walking away he was still thinking of him. That had to be a good thing, right? After all, how many people who were leaving their husbands for good would think to leave them some aspirin and a hearty breakfast before they went out of the door? And how many people who had spent so long in an apartment that every detail was perfectly customised to their needs would actually let the spouse they were leaving keep the place? But, Howard thought with a sigh, that was just Jason. Jason cared for people and he worried about people and he found it difficult to let anyone come to hardship as a result of his actions, even if he wasn’t in the best of moods with them. He’d left the way he had because he couldn’t let Grace missing school or being out of a home sit easily with his conscience; his actions were for her more than they were for Howard, that is if they were for Howard at all.
He’d searched through the house, trying to work out what Jason had taken. It had only briefly given him hope to see how little was gone. A good few clothes but not much more, his guitar and his laptop of course, perhaps some CDs. Briefly he had felt something close to relief. But then he’d reminded himself that just because the stuff wasn’t gone didn’t mean that Jason wasn’t gone. Jason was still most definitely out of the door and maybe the only reason he wasn’t out of his life with any finality just yet was because he hadn’t been able to easily transport everything he needed to take away with him. Soon all that would be left was the tidy, ordered kitchen. And a few weeks of Howard’s cooking would soon erode that. He cast his eyes around the kitchen, briefly wishing he hadn’t devoted so much time to undoing Jason’s strict, colour-coded, size-ordered, alphabetized systems left right and centre. But then, on the other hand, it was a little game of theirs that seemed to give them an odd sort of pleasure. They took so much joy from the blurring of the line between banter and flirtation and the more Howard’s chaos impinged on Jason’s order, the more Jason would look up at him with those eyes dancing so brightly and tell him he loved him. It shouldn’t work, they had often reminded each other. But they didn’t care. The fact they seemed at odds just seemed to provide them with amusement instead of frustration. God, why had he thrown away such a perfect fit?
As his eyes made one final scan of the kitchen, he spotted the pile of mail that he had thrown in anger earlier, that strange, inviting letter sticking out at the top of the pile. It looked like someone had taken great care over it. The stamp was placed in perfect parallel to the corner of the envelope, the address was handwritten and neat, not a single smudge or crease could be seen on the front of it and as Howard stooped to pick it up, he flipped it over. The return address was odd, not only a name he didn’t recognise but it sounded like a resort or retreat of some kind rather than anyone’s house. He was about to open the letter when the phone rang, making him jump. He dropped the letter back onto the untidy pile on the floor and crossed the room towards the desk, leaning in to listen to the answer phone pick up.
“Alright Howard, you’re off the hook. He says I’m not to hurt you or threaten you and since he’s my brother I have to respect him, unfortunately. He’s upstairs resting now but that doesn’t mean he’s ok you know. And although he made me promise to take back whatever threat I made, I’m not happy about it. Oh, but he did say you have to stop trying to phone him. You’re still bastard though, ok? Orange Family Meeting Certified Idiot and don’t forget it. That’s all. Here’s to hoping we don’t see each other soon,” Justin informed him sharply and the phone slammed down. Howard closed his eyes. Oh Jason, how could he be so kind to him? He’d called off the attack force that was his twin brother when, really, Howard thought he deserved to be torn to pieces.
It was then that Howard noticed one of the pictures was missing from the desk. Their wedding photo. He cast his eyes over the other frames, his heart stuttering slightly at some of the pictures as memories jumped out at him and reminded him what he’d lost. But the wedding photo definitely wasn’t there. He frowned. Had Jason taken it with him? Or worse...had Jason decided to throw it away? It was, Howard supposed, symbolic of the question that had been weighing down on him all day; had Jason left him forever or did he stand a chance of making things right?
***
“Mark Anthony Patrick Owen, put my lovely Gary down and get me some tea!” a voice declared, making Mark jump so much he half-fell off the counter. Gary simply chuckled, glancing in Mark’s direction to check that he was ok before rubbing slightly self-consciously at the spot on his cheek that Mark’s lips had just been parted from. It was Dawn that was stood in the archway, her hands on her hips and a playful look in her eyes. Mark pouted at her from the floor.
“Your lovely Gary is he?” he questioned, getting to his feet and dusting himself off.
“Yep, I have a certificate and everything. Now come on, sweetie, I adore you, you know I do, but I have to talk to Gary. So pretty please can I have some tea?” Dawn asked him gently and Mark couldn’t hold back his smile any longer. He loved Dawn really, but they kept up their battle over Gary for the sake of banter. She made it hard for him though, she was too nice fight with for long.
“Alright fine. Oh, and by the way, you look beautiful today. Nice outfit,” he nodded approvingly as he walked back. Dawn laughed softly before coming into the room, sitting herself down next to Gary on the counter.
“Ok, so I would love to tell you I was in the area and thought I’d drop by to see your lovely, handsome face. But we both know that’s a lie. Well, apart from the handsome face part; you’re very beautiful, sweetie. But anyway! I got your message and I can’t deny that I was intrigued. You need my advice, my assistance and my friendly encouragement but not necessarily in that order, was how I believe you put it. Come on, spill,” she told him as she kissed him on both cheeks. Gary chuckled.
“I thought that might get you. Well, where should I start?” he asked her and Dawn thought a moment, tapping an elegant finger against her lips and flicking her blonde hair slightly.
“We’ll start with the friendly encouragement and work backwards shall we?” she suggested and Gary nodded slowly.
“Yeah ok, that works. Here,” he said, producing a disc from beneath the counter. Dawn looked at it blankly, raising an eyebrow. Mark chose that moment to return and he grinned.
“Gaz, you probably need to explain that thing you know,” he pointed out, handing Dawn her tea before taking a packet of fizzy snakes from his pocket and popping one in his mouth. Dawn and Gary both watched him eat it for a moment, mystified as to where these sweets seemed to keep coming from, before turning back to look at each other.
“It’s a demo. Our demo. But me and Mark can’t bring ourselves to listen to it. We listened to the first bars of the first track but we couldn’t stop cringing so we had to stop,” he shrugged and Dawn laughed, taking the disc from his hands and staring at it, scanning her eyes across the track list which had been scrawled on a bit of paper that was selotaped to the back of the CD box.
“I see, so you need me to tell you both how lovely you sound?” she suggested and Mark nodded.
“That’s the one. Oh, and tell us we’re going to be stars. And then say you’re going off to set aside enough money to buy millions of copies because you love our music so much,” he grinned.
“Or, you know, you could just say we’re not crap, that we’re pretty good at writing music and that I’m not actually a talentless and delusional idiot,” Gary added.
“Oh Gary, you’re so horrible to yourself. You’re not talentless and you’re not delusional, I don’t need to listen to this CD to be sure of that. But I will listen to it and I will give you plenty more friendly encouragement afterwards. As for the buying millions of copies when you’re famous, I’ll pass. But if you ever have need for a dancer, I’ll be there. Not for free mind. I’ll consider a pay cut though...” Dawn nodded slowly, reaching across to take one of Mark’s fizzy snakes.
“Oi!” he protested, trying to bat her away, but she jumped down from the counter and began to tickle him rendering him powerless.
“Right, now, what was next? My assistance?” Dawn asked with a smile, dusting her hands dramatically before effortlessly taking the entire packet of sweets from Mark’s hands. Mark began to protest again but Gary shook his head.
“Don’t even bother, Marko, Dawn is a very determined woman,” he chuckled.
“That I am. And anyway, too much sugar will rot your teeth, so I’m doing you a favour. Now, which one of you two gorgeous muppets is going to explain why you need my assistance?” Dawn asked.
“Oh...about that. Do you know how to operate a till? Coz, since we got the new till, when Jay’s not around we usually have to rely on the cashbox. But it’s looking like Jay might be away a while so...well...any thoughts?” Gary sighed and Dawn laughed.
“Technical things are not what I am good at. Can we move onto advice...and also, why has Jason vanished?!” she questioned, looking at Gary and Mark in turn as they both turned their gazes down to the floor.
“He’s uh...a tad fragile right now,” Mark mumbled to his chest. Dawn looked at them in concern and then handed Mark his sweets back in the hope of raising his smile.
“Ok, what did I miss then?” she sighed and Gary bit his lip whilst Mark ate another sweet.
“Jason and Howard...trouble...I shouldn’t go into it, Jay doesn’t want the whole world to know. Just...safe to say Howard’s a little...off kilter right now. And that’s devastated Jay. It’s all adding fuel to the theory that I’m cursed,” Gary told her.
“Well that came out of nowhere...but Gary, love, cursed?! I’m not having that!” Dawn frowned.
“But I am! Every time I try and get my music out there, something bad happens. I’ll have to choose between my friends and my music or Mark and my music and, oh, look, we’ve actually got a demo and what happens? Jason’s life falls apart. I’m cursed,” Gary declared and Mark slapped him sharply on the forehead with a fizzy snake. Gary would have laughed at the absurdity under different circumstances.
“Don’t be a drama queen!” Mark scolded him and Dawn laughed.
“I second that. I bet you anything Jason and Howard will be fixed before this demo hits the first record label’s in-tray. Now come on, I’m taking you two out for drinks,” she nodded.
“But what about the shop!” Gary protested and Dawn shrugged.
“Well you can’t work the till anyway,” she reminded him and Mark laughed.
“Good point. Come on Gaz, coat on!” he grinned and with that Gary found himself being herded from the shop, Mark putting his coat on for him as Dawn flipped the open sign around to closed.
Chapter Four
It had almost been two weeks and soon March would be over. Justin had officially had enough. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy having his brother living with him. In fact, truth be told, both he and his wife were very glad to have Jason around. Because Jason would vacuum and tidy and polish. And Jason would wash and iron and cook. And after he was done keeping their entire house running, Jason didn’t even argue with them over the remote. He’d sit up in his room and read or play his guitar and not come anywhere near the television at all. But, all the same, Justin didn’t like it. Oh yes, he had wanted to kill Howard at first, when he saw his brother fractured and lost and hurting. Because no one hurt any one of his brothers and got away with it, especially not his twin. Initially he’d been sold on the idea that Jason would clear his head and decide to leave Howard and it would all be over, simple as that. But watching his brother he had begun to realise that maybe Jason’s assessment of the situation had been more accurate. He was so used to dismissing Jason’s overcomplicated assessments that he hadn’t taken the time to really look at his brother. And when he had, he’d realised that maybe things were a tad more complicated than he had imagined. Jason had become a faded, watercolour version of himself. The colours were not as sharp or bright as real life. It wasn’t Howard missing from Jason’s life; it was a piece of Jason that was missing. There was no way of fixing him unless you managed to fix his relationship with Howard. Yet the surer Justin became that this was the only way forwards, the more Jason began to doubt himself.
Justin hadn’t noticed it right away; Jason beginning to wonder if maybe he had misread Howard entirely, if maybe Howard no longer loved him the way he loved Howard. It was little things. He wouldn’t have to try so hard to avoid Howard’s calls, that was the first thing. Justin hadn’t been bothered by it until Jason stopped even bothering to turn off his phone. He no longer referred to Howard needing time either. Instead he said he was the one who needed time. And if pressed? He would say that Howard would be the one to decide what happened next instead of his previous insistence that he wasn’t even thinking of the future. The only thing that reassured Justin that his brother hadn’t entirely given up hope was the fact that he still kept that wedding photo by his bed. Jason didn’t know that Justin had seen the way he would gaze at it as he played his guitar and he certainly didn’t think Justin knew he would polish it for exactly thirteen minutes every day. Justin supposed that that photo was what kept Jason’s faith humming on in some form or other – perhaps it was just a whisper of what it should be but it was still there. Even Justin could feel the love that radiated off that picture and it reminded him of the way he had felt when he had first seen the two of them together. Justin wasn’t the type of bloke to believe in physic links or vibes or any of that stuff, but he hadn’t been able to shake the sensation of warmth that rolled off the two of them together, the perfect beat of their conversations, the absorbing rhythm of their bantering and their movements. Justin couldn’t help but think that if his own world was somehow worse off without it, then Jason and Howard’s worlds must be practically falling down around them.
“Do you want a drink Jay?” Justin asked as he came into the kitchen. Jason, who had just sat down to pause a moment in the middle of cooking dinner, jumped slightly then smiled.
“No thanks, I hate drinking alone. It makes me feel like I’ve been defeated somehow,” he said with a shake of his head and Justin looked at him strangely as he pulled two beers from the fridge.
“Eh! You’re not alone, Jay. You’re drinking with me, so drink up!” he reminded Jason sharply, tossing one of the cans at Jason, who caught it and laughed.
“Drinking with you is worse, you always get me drunk!” he retorted, though he did open the can.
“Sounds good to me. Anyway, how long ‘til dinner?” Justin asked as he leant on the kitchen counter.
“Um...not too long now I don’t think,” Jason shrugged, glancing at the clock.
“So have I got time to make a quick call then?” Justin said and Jason narrowed his eyes.
“Justin, what are you up to? I know that look and I know it’s not good. That look has landed me in detention, trouble with mum, trouble with dad, horrible situations in bars...do I need to go on or have you stopped plotting whatever it was you were plotting?” he sighed.
“Oh ye of little faith!” Justin grinned and Jason simply rolled his eyes.
“Oh I have plenty of faith, just not in you. Anyway, go and make your call if you must. But if it has anything to do with me then I’m not cooking for you at all next week,” he threatened.
As Justin left the kitchen he fished his mobile from his pocket and headed upstairs, trying to get as far away as possible from Jason before he even dared scroll through his contacts. He selected ‘Howard Mob’ before ducking into his bedroom and closing the door behind him. If he wasn’t officially too old for such things he would have climbed in the wardrobe for extra protection but he decided that the bed was far enough from the door instead and he flopped down onto it.
“Hi, Howard here. Leave me a message and I’ll try and return your call as soon as I can. Cheers,” Howard’s voicemail told him and Justin rolled his eyes before returning to his contacts. This time he tried ‘Jay Home’ but still no joy so he decided to leave a message instead.
“Oi, Donald, I know you’re in there and I need to talk to you. It’s about Jay. And I promise I’m not going to kill you. But we need to talk. Call me on my mobile – and soon! Ok, bye,” he sighed and with that he hung up. With any luck Howard wouldn’t get the wrong impression and he could fix this mess before things got out of hand.
***
With Grace at her mum’s for the weekend, Howard found himself stricken by the emptiness of the apartment. It was awful when he was here on his own. He’d exhausted the potential of the TV and the internet to take his mind of anything, he could hardly face work and all his friends did when he phoned them was tell him he needed to find a way to fix the mess he’d made. But he couldn’t. So instead he’d order another take away, open another junk letter before tearing it to shreds, then he’d go out for a long walk and sometimes he’d stop at a pub on the way. But he only did that on the really bad days. Mind you, there were plenty of them to go around. When Grace was gone he had bad days, because he was really, truly alone then. When something reminded him of Jason he had bad days, because he still couldn’t cope with the idea of Jason leaving him. When he tried to cook something for himself he had bad days, because he’d usually end up going hungry and having to feel ten times more sorry for himself than usual. It was getting to the point now where he looked forward to being able to rip up his junk mail each day. Especially if it was a catalogue; hours of ripping and berating himself quietly to enjoy instead of just a precious few seconds. He was running low on junk though and he was beginning to wonder if he should start ripping ordinary letters too. It wasn’t as if they were that important. None of them had yet revealed to him how to get Jason back by his side and Jason’s own neat handwriting had not once been seen in the growing stacks of mail that Howard was refusing to deal with. Dealing with mail in a conventional manner would suggest his life had gone back to normal. But it really, truly hadn’t. And couldn’t. Not without Jason.
Silently Howard looked around the apartment, his eyes coming to rest on the stack of letters he had left on the coffee table. Next to them his last few junk letters were waiting to be ripped and for a moment he wondered if he should just cut straight to the long walk and the pub, because he needed to save what little berating and ripping sessions he had left. Then he noticed that letter again. That as-yet unsolved mystery of the handwriting he didn’t recognise, the return address he didn’t know and the stranger who was so determined to make a good impression on him that they had sent the letter in such a pristine state. He sat himself down on the sofa, trying not to disturb the cushions (his determination to keep the apartment looking smart was strong, because he felt it somehow kept Jason’s presence there), and he picked up the letter, inspecting it for a moment. He couldn’t understand why but the letter scared him, stirred up some inexplicable unease within him. He stroked his thumb across it, trying to think who he knew that might write from the place listed on the return address. He decided to make a bargain with himself; he would ease his irrational fear of the letter by looking up the place it had come from, if the place looked dangerous in any way, he could rip up the letter with the junk mail, but if he thought of someone there he might know, then he’d read it in the hope it might cheer him up. But as he turned to get his laptop from the armchair, the phone rang. He was still screening almost all his calls – all except work calls – so he watched the answer machine and waited, hoping with every bone in his body that this would be the time that Jason’s voice came down the line. But no such luck.
“Oi, Donald, I know you’re in there and I need to talk to you. It’s about Jay. And I promise I’m not going to kill you. But we need to talk. Call me on my mobile – and soon! Ok, bye,” Justin’s voice rang out and Howard’s whole body sank. They had to talk about Jason? But why...unless Jason was finally ending it and Justin was just his messenger.
“Fucking hell!” Howard yelled angrily, sweeping all the mail off the coffee table with his arm before standing up abruptly, marching over to the door and storming out of the apartment. Walk, pub, pub, pub, die. That was the plan. Did he need his coat? No. Hopefully he’d freeze to death, he thought bitterly. I’m an idiot, he reminded himself as he rolled out into the crisp March air. I’m an idiot and I don’t deserve to but...but I just want to hold him again...just for a little while.
***
“Justin! What did you do?!” Jason demanded, appearing in the doorway to the lounge with a face like thunder. Justin frowned and turned around slowly.
“Why is it you always accuse me before anyone else?” Justin asked and Jason put his hands on his hips, narrowing his eyes at Justin pointedly.
“Past experience. My husband is stood outside your house, wailing like a madman and insisting that he isn’t ready to talk to you. Highlight you – implying to me that you’ve been threatening him again,” he said and Justin closed his mouth.
“Ah, yeah...about that...” he began but another wail from outside cut him off. Jason sighed and shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose before waving a dismissive hand at Justin.
“Don’t bother, I’ve got him to worry about right now. But this isn’t over, ok?” he warned, leaning out into the hallway to grab his coat before turning back to shoot Justin a threatening look.
“Wait, wait, what are you getting your coat for?!” Justin asked, confused.
“Well, in case you hadn’t worked it out, that’s my husband sat out there in the freezing cold, drunk and not wearing a coat. I can’t just leave him out there like that can I?!” Jason pointed out, waving is hands for emphasis. As he did so Justin couldn’t help but notice the glint of Jason’s wedding ring in the light. For a man so concerned with issues of control, Jason was never quick to take off that ring. It was important to him; there was a reason he had made the exception, it was the only suggestion ever made to anyone that he might not have all the power in his hands.
“Well, you could leave him. I mean, some might say that, since you two aren’t exactly...together, as such, then...he’s not your responsibility. So you could just sit here and hope he goes away,” Justin suggested, watching carefully for Jason’s reaction. Jason himself had tensed and his eyes flashed with more life than Justin had seen in him since this whole thing had started.
“I love him – is that enough cause for responsibility? He needs someone to look after him, just to set him back on his feet...and I owe him that much since I’m partly responsible for knocking him off them. He wouldn’t be in this mess if he didn’t love me,” he shot back at Justin with such conviction in his voice that Justin almost changed his mind about pressing any further. But he wanted to make sure he could take this as a good thing so he took a breath.
“Just because you know he loves you doesn’t mean this sort of thing is acceptable, you’re not exactly teaching him a lesson here. Come on, Jay, it’s late. He’ll go eventually, we both know he will...” he began. Jason clenched his jaw but something in his blue eyes softened and threatened to give away his inner turmoil.
“He’s crying, Justin. Or at least, he has been. He’s hurting so much,” he said softly and Justin stopped talking abruptly when he heard how quietly Jason was talking. The two looked at each other for a drawn out moment.
“He’s drunk though,” Justin reminded him tentatively. He knew what Jason was thinking and even though it was something he had been hoping to re-instil in his brother he wasn’t sure if this was the best way. After all, if Howard was only here because he was drunk then he could be setting his brother up for a fall by encouraging him to think of this as a sign.
“Justin, drunk or not, he would not get like this if he didn’t love me. I know how Howard normally gets when he’s drunk; ridiculous, perhaps, but not upset. Look, I’m going to take him home, ok? Don’t wait up for me, I’ve got a key,” Jason replied quietly before turning on his heel and promptly leaving the house. Justin listened as the noise outside stopped and he let out a long sigh. Well, maybe it wasn’t how he’d planned it, but it was a step in the right direction, wasn’t it?
***
“Are you nearly done in there?” Gary called as he came into the kitchen, stopping abruptly as he came face to face with the rear end of Mark Owen. He blinked momentarily then took in the sight before him more clearly. Empty takeaway cartons still littered the kitchen counter and, whilst the sink was indeed cluttered with cutlery and plates and lots of soapy water, so too was a small area of the floor, in the middle of which Mark was stood on a kitchen chair, bent over in his best superstar pose, singing along to the radio, bum-in-air, hair-in-face and eyes closed whilst he belted the tune into a soap-bubble covered spoon in place of a microphone. Cadbury, who had trotted in behind Gary, simply sighed a seemingly resigned sigh before turning and padding straight back into the lounge. He wasn’t going to miss America’s Got Talent for this. Gary himself simply folded his arms and decided to watch how the spectacle unfolded, an amused glint in his eyes. Mark began stamping his feet determinedly to the beat, his head bobbing about, before he jumped dramatically from the chair, clattering into Gary’s arms and grinning innocently as he realised he’d been caught. Gary bowed his head enough to lean their foreheads together and Mark beamed up at him still, waiting, Gary suspected, for praise and a kiss. Well, he, Gary Barlow, was not so easy, he thought to himself as he planted a kiss on Mark’s nose. See, no praise! He wasn’t soft, oh no.
“Welcome to my turn at clearing up,” Mark told him, letting Gary comb his fingers lovingly through his hair and tapping his soapy spoon softly against Gary’s chest.
“If I’d known this was what happened every time you cleared up, I’d be booking myself front row seats every weekend,” Gary told him with a warm chuckle. Damn, that was praise, wasn’t it? Well fine. He, Gary Barlow, was a hopeless case. And he didn’t care who knew it. Besides, he was a sucker for a good show; a bit of cabaret, razzamatazz. Just the other day he had stepped out to take out the rubbish, waved a dramatic arm at the empty street and declared ‘Good evening Manchester!’ in his best showbiz voice before realising, with mortification and a blush, that an old lady had been walking down the street towards him the entire time. Mark had no such shame. He’d put on a show anywhere. But it was the private performances Gary had to admire the most.
“Oo, like what you see? You’d make a crap Simon Cowell. Come on, say something mean. I dare you!” Mark giggled, waving the spoon some more and sending soapy water flying this way and that.
“Um...stop trashing my kitchen?” Gary suggested, though Mark could tell even that was a strain so he laughed some more.
“Not even close,” he told Gary and Gary wound his arms around him tightly.
“I’d be just fine at being Simon Cowell, just as long as I never had to judge you! Anyway, I can’t say it’s been a great ambition of mine. Now, do you need me to get the mop for you or can you un-ruin this kitchen by yourself?” he questioned, placing a kiss in the crook of Mark’s neck. Mark leant his head back, eyes closed once more.
“Mop?” he sighed absently, letting Gary kiss him again.
“You know, the stick with dreadlocks? The magic water-remover? The...um...” Gary paused in his kissing to try and think of another way to describe the concept of mopping to Mark but Mark whacked him with the spoon and he jumped, looking down at him with mild alarm.
“Shut up and keep kissing me!” Mark scolded, throwing the spoon dramatically over his shoulder and striking an eccentric pose, waiting to be showered with affection once again.
“You’ve been watching old movies again haven’t you,” Gary remarked steadily, only wincing slightly as the spoon landed with a clatter on the floor behind Mark. Mark himself rolled his eyes.
“What part of shut up and keep kissing me did you not follow?!” he asked Gary, eyes aglow with amusement. Gary smiled mischievously, grabbing Mark and forcefully pulling him closer, tipping him down and gazing briefly down into his eyes before planting a lingering kiss to his lips. When Mark finally found himself released he felt more than a little dizzy and he staggered, blinking, backwards, flopping down onto his chair-come-stage. Gary simply chuckled, dusting his hands playfully before leaning on the doorframe.
“There, take that and party!” he declared, satisfied with his work. Mark narrowed his eyes at him.
“Ok, that wasn’t fair!” Mark laughed.
“Well you did say shut up and keep kissing...” Gary reminded swiftly, grinning broadly.
At that moment, the America’s Got Talent theme drifted through to them from the lounge and Cadbury barked out a warning that the adverts were over. Both Mark and Gary wondered, briefly, if they should return to keep the dog company. But they quickly dismissed the notion and turned back to each other, eyes still glittering from their head-spinning kiss just moments before.
“So piano-man, what’s it to be? Talent-scouting with the dog...or a live performance with me?” Mark asked. Gary simply smiled and stepped further into the disaster zone of the kitchen, going over to the fridge and getting the two of them a bottle of wine out. Silently he poured two glasses, setting them both down on the kitchen table and taking a seat for himself. He waved his arm invitingly at Mark and Mark grinned, picking up his spoon and jumping up onto his chair.
“Take it away, my dear,” Gary murmured, his and Mark’s eyes locking briefly before Mark got himself back into the rhythm of the song.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to dedicate this one to all the lovers out there...and all the wannabe-lovers...and all the reconciling lovers...and, of course, my very own lover. Gary Barlow – this one is for you...” Mark announced with a wink and Gary watched him launch back into his performance with a mystified smile on his lips. Maybe all was well with the world after all, he mused silently. Maybe. Just maybe.
***
Howard had been dumbfounded when Jason had emerged from the house, taking him silently by the hand and leading him to the car. If he was honest he’d hardly been aware of what he had been doing when he’d left The Crown. He had fuzzy memories of telling the taxi driver to take him to Jason and, when that hadn’t worked, he’d given Justin’s address. But as he’d been doing it he hadn’t really expected it to take him to Jason himself and he had certainly not expected it to earn Jason’s compassion. Because that was what was really overwhelming him. Maybe he had, somewhere in his head, registered that by standing outside shouting he could at least catch a glimpse of Jason as he told him to go home, but he hadn’t once imagined he would get Jason’s sympathy and his company. He didn’t deserve it. Still, with murmurs of ‘You’re frozen’ and ‘How on earth did you get that bruise?!’ Jason had linked an arm through Howard’s and taken him to the car, his touch so light and gentle and...loving. Howard had almost cried, almost. But he hadn’t wanted to seem like any more of a state than he already had done by going there. Jason had seemed to understand, just like he always did. He hadn’t questioned Howard’s silence, he’d just carried on muttering affectionate chides and disclosing gentle concerns. And God had it been a sight for sore eyes as he’d stood back and watched Jason fish his key from his pocket, slot it into the lock and step into their apartment. Their home – and it actually deserve that title once Jason stepped across the threshold.
Now Howard sat on the sofa, where Jason had pushed him down gently earlier, watching his husband busy himself about the house. A distant smile touched Howard’s lips as he saw Jason set about taking care of everything. He seemed to Howard to be in five different places at once, his soft hands fussing round him every now and again, plumping cushions behind him, tucking a throw cover round him, pressing gently on his shoulder as he passed by, moving quickly and kindly from job to job. After a while, a steaming mug was put into his hands.
“Drink this love, it’ll warm you up,” Jason instructed him softly before returning to the kitchen. Howard presumed it would be some form of herbal tea but as he took a sip he realised, with an affectionate smile, that it was actually a mug of hot cocoa. He hadn’t done one thing to deserve that sort of attention. That sort of love – the love Jason had for him and had had for him all along. He looked up, watching Jason working away in the kitchen, a sight he hadn’t seen in too long. He was placing ice-cubes onto a dish cloth so as to make an ice-pack for the mysterious bruise that had formed on Howard’s forehead. The more he watched the more that pang of loss hit him square in the chest.
“I missed you, Jay” he managed to say at last but Jason didn’t look up, he simply began tying a knot in the cloth, binding the ice-cubes in.
“Love, I’ve had to put up with missing you for a long time now,” he murmured, coming over and pressing the ice-pack to Howard’s forehead. As he did so, their eyes met and Howard felt that wave of mixed up tears and love grow stronger. But then Jason moved to turn away.
“I love you,” Howard mumbled sadly as their gaze was broken and Jason sighed.
“I know, How,” he nodded but Howard took hold of his wrist and he was forced to turn back, their eyes locking once again.
“Please...I love you...” Howard whispered and Jason gazed at him for such a long time that Howard thought he really would cry. It was so much, seeing those eyes again. And not only seeing those eyes, but seeing the love contained in them. Jason’s every touch was filled with that love but nothing could compete with the look in his eyes. Howard knew he didn’t deserve even one second of that love but here it was all the same, looking at him, taking in all of his love with...could he even dare to dream that it was with relief?
“I always knew that, How. And I always love you back,” Jason said, his blue eyes not leaving Howard’s. Howard’s hand dropped from Jason’s wrist. He was amazed and more than a little overwhelmed. Jason gave him a small smile before turning back towards the kitchen.
Once Jason was done tidying up, he came back over to the sofa, looking down at Howard with a sympathetic smile.
“Jay...” Howard whispered, his lips hardly moving. Jason’s eyes flicked edgily away from him then came straight back.
“Hey,” he murmured in reply.
“Jay, I...I...” Howard stammered and Jason let out a long sigh.
“Come on, love, you should try and get some sleep,” he said quietly and Howard’s face fell.
“But I can’t...sleep. Not...” he stopped abruptly but there was understanding on Jason’s face.
“You can’t sleep without me?” he asked with a sigh, looking back at Howard with a look that told him instantly that Jason couldn’t really sleep without him either. Howard nodded dumbly. They had ruined each other so beautifully. Without another word, Jason gave Howard’s shoulder a small push, giving a little nod of his head to make Howard shuffle along the sofa slightly. Howard obliged, a little uncertain as to where this was going but willing to do anything Jason told him. Jason sat himself down then, curling his legs around before turning to Howard and pushing him back down against the sofa cushions. Howard looked up at him uncertainly but Jason simply nodded that he was sure before shifting himself slightly and lying down against Howard’s chest. Although he was on the verge of sleep, he could still feel the Jason’s heartbeat on top of his own.
“I’m so sorry,” Howard mumbled sleepily but Jason shushed him.
“Come on, love, get some rest,” he said.
“But, Jay...” Howard began to protest.
“Howard, just get some rest.”
***
Howard couldn’t do anything to contain the relief he felt when he woke up still surrounded by Jason’s presence. Jason was no longer lying on top of him, Howard, and Howard noticed that pillows from the bedroom had been placed under his head at some point. They smelt of Jason, Howard noted with a smile. As if reading his mind, Jason appeared in front of him then.
“Your pillowcases needed washing so I gave you my pillows instead. The bed’s made now too, and Grace’s. And I did the kitchen...” Jason began and Howard smiled faintly.
“I’m crap at running this place. It’s your place...our place,” he pointed out and Jason returned his quiet smile. A small pause elapsed between them before Jason spoke again.
“I have to go now, Howard,” he said quietly, looking at his hands. Howard had known it was coming but it still stung. It was too much to ask to be forgiven. Especially not in this way. He couldn’t gain forgiveness by getting drunk, perhaps sympathy but not forgiveness.
“I’m falling apart, Jay,” he sighed, rubbing his forehead, his head throbbing. Jason bit his lip before picking up his coat from the arm of the sofa, rummaging through the pockets until he found a small packet of painkillers.
“Here, take these. I left some breakfast in the fridge for you. Give it five minutes in the microwave. You’ll feel better after food, I promise you,” he told Howard gently. Howard nodded.
“Jay...” he began sadly but Jason took a step forwards, placing his hand softly on the back of Howard’s neck. His fingertips sent shivers of electricity through Howard’s body. Howard felt the coolness of his wedding ring and took comfort in it immediately.
“Take care of yourself, ok? And no more throwing the mail around, love, you’ll upset the postman,” Jason murmured. With a timidly rueful smile Howard glanced at the pile of letters which Jason had stacked in front of him, feeling somewhat foolish at the exposure of his disarray under Jason’s gaze. Without another word Jason stooped and gave him a kiss on top of his head before turning around and leaving, the door closing behind him with a gentle thud. For a moment Howard looked at the closed door, wondering why it could be that the loss of Jason’s presence didn’t sting so much anymore. And then he realised what it was; he scanned back over last night and that morning and he smiled. Jason had called him ‘Love’ again.
With sudden determination in his step, Howard set to work. He showered and changed and he savoured his home-cooked breakfast before brushing all his mail into his bag. With one last look around the apartment he slung the bag over his shoulders and headed out of the door. First he had to go and meet with someone about a possible gig, but as soon as that was over he was going to The Crown. He’d read his mail whilst he ate a good pub lunch then he’d go to Justin’s and get Jason back. Jason still loved him. He did. Be he had a lot to make up to him, and as confident as he was of Jason’s love, he couldn’t help but worry that maybe he was just too much of a screw up to really sort this mess out. He pushed the worry to the back of his mind and locked the door behind him. He’d work it out because he had to. Jason loved him just as much as he loved Jason. He’d been saying it all along, Howard realised. And now he needed to prove that he’d finally listened.
***
“Remind me again why we bother opening up the shop on Sundays? Shouldn’t everyone be in church...or...something...” Mark moaned for the hundredth time since they’d left the house. Gary simply rolled his eyes, unlocking the shop door and holding it open for Mark.
“Church? Chance would be a fine thing, there’s a match on today you know!” he pointed out. Mark crinkled his nose, tying his scarf elegantly around a clarinet and throwing his hat down on top of a violin. Gary chuckled, shrugging off his coat and scarf and hanging them tidily behind the door.
“Still, are people really likely to want to stock up on ‘Piano Carols’ or make a last minute purchase of a baby grand to keep them entertained at half time?” Mark sighed dramatically, twirling momentarily in the small space the shop allowed him before plonking himself firmly on the staircase. Gary suspected Mark was unlikely to move for the rest of the day.
“It’s a sight I’d like to see. I might even part with one of the good pianos to watch Rooney and co perform me a merry half time ditty,” he mused, moving into the next room to rummage under the counter for the cash box, the till watching him contemptuously from its dusty perch. He had reassured it every day of Jason’s absence; ‘Don’t worry, Jay will come back for you’. But it didn’t believe him and it blamed him greatly for its increasing state of neglect and the layer of dust that had settled on top of it; ‘Jason never ignored me this way’.
“I was thinking we were selling to the fans not the footballers...in any case, it’s not going to happen, so there’s no need for us to be here” Mark called out to him and Gary turned, keen to leave the angry till behind him and deal with his mildly annoyed husband.
“Mark, my dear, sweet, lovely, wonderful, beautiful – nay; adorable! – husband, I beg of you, get over it! We’re opening. Jay’s spoilt you, doing Sundays for so long...” Gary pointed out and he watched with amusement as Mark wavered under the weight of compliments Gary had given to him to choose from. But Gary knew the peace couldn’t last for long.
“No. Still not having it. Come on, Gaz, please let’s go home, it’s never too late for a lie-in...” he pleaded but Gary narrowed his eyes.
“Mark Owen, I know exactly what your definition of a ‘lie-in’ is and I don’t think it’s half as relaxing as the traditional sense of the term. Now, I presume I’m making the tea since you’re going to be sulking with me?” he smiled gently and Mark didn’t know whether to laugh or pout.
“I’m going to need about fifty sugars...but I love you anyway,” Mark concluded and Gary nodded.
“Smashing – I love you too. But we’re still not going home,” he grinned before heading off to the back room, leaving Mark pouting and huffing alone on the stairs.
As Gary boiled the kettle, he whistled an absent-minded tune to himself and scanned about the room, which was, surprisingly, not falling into disarray without Jason keeping a check on everything. Gary had spent so many years now being chided for making a mess that he instinctively kept cleaning up after himself, as if there was a mini-Jason in his head controlling his every move. Then his eyes fell on the two mugs left on the mug-tree. Blue and green. Gary couldn’t remember when everything in the shop had to become colour-coded but it had had time to become quite engrained in him now. His and Jason’s world had originally been so simple. Jason told Gary to keep his chin up then went and read and played guitar and thought a lot and Gary sat with the pianos and wrote music and drank far too much tea. And then Mark had arrived. And things weren’t too much more complicated. There were a lot of laughs and there was a lot of music sharing and the only real upheaval was that suddenly Jason started finding fluff-covered sweets down the side of every surface in the shop. Gary didn’t like to blame Howard’s arrival for the chaos, but he had to say he felt the two events were linked. Jason falling in love had not been on the cards, or at least Gary hadn’t thought it was. Jason flirted with anything with legs, as far as Gary could tell, but he never settled down. He was no heartbreaker, the flirting was innocent enough and there was little promise of anything more. And, looking back, Gary supposed that the whole falling in love thing had caught Jason by surprise as much as anyone else. That was the reason that chaos had been allowed to set in, Gary concluded. Little clusters of unorganised stock began to appear in the back room, half-melted Kit Kat bars could be found almost anywhere because Jason hadn’t bothered to put them away (and Mark, of course, had long since forgotten about them), Gary’s favourite mug frequently got given to Mark or Howard or Jason might pick it up for himself and then contentedly hand over his own mug to just about anyone, which was most out of character for him. It had been madness. At some point Jason had noticed. Gary supposed that was when everything became colour-coded. It was Jason’s way of getting himself back into order, his way of trying to make up for his happy, care-free, non-OCD days with a good old dose of hard thinking and needless effort. Gary had been allowed red; his favourite mug was red so everything else that was his became red, red stickers adorned the spoons and plates and pens and notepads that Jason had designated as Gary’s and even the shop’s tiny fridge had had to be split into four sections. Gary’s red section of the fridge was usually full of biscuits and milk, whilst Mark’s yellow section overflowed with anything that looked like it could rot your teeth and Jason’s blue section was neatly stacked with suspiciously organic looking yoghurts and sometimes the odd bit of fruit. Meanwhile Howard’s green section remained largely empty. The man himself cluttered up the place a great deal, filled whole rooms with wires and limbs and laughter, but he usually took his stuff with him. Gary wondered for a moment if that should have troubled him more; Howard’s transient presence in their warm and eccentric little world. But then he looked at the mug tree again, Jason and Howard’s mugs side by side. He stirred his tea a little crossly. He was angry with himself for even thinking it. After all, if you had your own mug and the majority of people in the shop knew how to make your tea, then you belonged. That was Gary’s rule anyway.
Pushing his worries to the back of his mind, Gary returned to the steps and handed Mark his mug.
“Mm, thank you Gaz,” Mark smiled, taking a sip and closing his eyes.
“I don’t know how you can call that stuff tea. It’s milk and sugar, nowt else,” Gary remarked.
“I know, lovely isn’t it?” Mark shot back quickly, beaming up at Gary innocently.
“Oh you think you’re so cute with your smile and your little quiff and your big bright eyes, but I know all your secrets, Mark Owen, and not all of them are pretty,” Gary teased.
“But everything about me is pretty,” Mark contested lightly and Gary chuckled, shaking his head.
“What, even that hair-at-all-angles look when you wake me up at three in the morning insisting that I get you beans on toast...it didn’t look pretty where I was lying I’ll tell you that much,” he pointed out and Mark elbowed him in the side, sloshing tea around dangerously.
“I was hungry!” he insisted and Gary nodded slowly.
“And I was sleepy,” he countered. Mark rolled his eyes.
“You and your sleep! You’re so picky about how many hours you get. Just sleep and stop setting the alarm, it never did me any damage,” he told Gary with another slosh of tea.
“Are you drinking that or trying to decorate the shop?! Anyway, you know I can’t sing if I can’t sleep. I can barely talk!” Gary pointed out, dodging the tea-wave.
“You’re very high-maintenance,” Mark assured, well aware of his hypocrisy. Gary nodded.
“And you’re creating tea-artwork on my legs,” he deadpanned. Mark waved a vague hand.
“Be worth millions when I’m famous!” he promised, glittering smile flashing wildly.
“Famous for what exactly? Tea-art, scalding people’s legs, making no sense or grinning like a pixie?” Gary questioned but before Mark could answer, Gary’s mobile began to ring.
“Gary! Wonderful, I didn’t know if you’d be up. It’s Jonathan. Listen, I know we’re sending the demo out soon but I’ve lined up a couple of sessions at some rehearsal space for you, just in case you get as far as having to do a showcase for any of these labels. Just thought I should warn you, try and keep yourself clear mid-April, ok?” Jonathan’s voice half-boomed at Gary down the line. A wave of panic hit Gary then and he swallowed nervously.
“Um, listen, Jonathan...there’s something you should know. Jason and Howard aren’t...” he began, looking at Mark desperately, needing some sort of advice on how to break this to Jonathan.
“Aren’t what? There? Well? Available? Oh God...don’t you dare tell me they aren’t together anymore! They made vows at that wedding of theirs didn’t they?! Gary, go and tell them they made vows!” Jonathan gasped and Gary could hear him flapping so he took a deep breath.
“No, calm down Jonathan, it’s fine. Jason and Howard aren’t...going...to...um” Gary looked at Mark once more and Mark bit his lip in thought before suddenly grabbing the phone from Gary and pressing the speaker button, sloshing more tea over Gary’s legs as he did so.
“Jonathan! Hi! Listen, what Gary is trying to say is...that Jay and Howard aren’t...um...going to like it...” he tried and Gary nodded, this could work.
“Like what?!” Jonathan questioned, sounding suspicious.
“Mid-April...their anniversary’s then you know...” Gary put in and Jonathan’s sigh of relief was long.
“Thank God, I thought my band was falling apart just when I was getting somewhere! Christ. Look, tell ‘em it won’t be more than a day, probably just an afternoon. Hell, I’ll promise them just an hour as long as they celebrate that anniversary and don’t dream of breaking up on me!! Anyway, I’m sorry lads but I’ve really got to dash. Call me if Jay and Howard take more convincing,” and with that, Jonathan hung up, leaving a mildly stunned and troubled Mark and Gary to hope against hope that their optimism that everything would be okay wasn’t horribly, terribly overblown.
***
“Jay! Finally, I can’t believe you’ve been out all....God, you’re smiling!” Justin exclaimed when Jason finally got home. Jason simply rolled his eyes, hanging up his coat and heading for the lounge, Justin following him in intrigue.
“Alert the press why don’t you,” Jason sighed, collapsing onto the sofa.
“Sorry, I just figured...I don’t know, that you’d be fuming with him,” Justin shrugged, perching on the arm of the sofa and trying to read into his brother’s expression.
“Maybe I should be,” Jason replied, closing his eyes a moment. Justin frowned.
“Ok...but you’re not?” he clarified and Jason laughed softly.
“No, I’m not. He’s just miserable, you know? And I can’t blame him. It’s been horrible for me, not being with him...and I’m the one that left! Imagine how he must be feeling,” he shrugged and Justin raised an eyebrow.
“So I take it he’s convinced you he loves you then?” he remarked and Jason’s smile grew a little.
“Not that I’d doubted it for more than a millisecond but...yeah. He loves me. And...I think he’s finally realised that all the luck he thinks is his...is for both of us, you know?” he sighed slightly.
“Then why on earth are you back here? I could have brought your stuff round!” Justin pointed out, looking at his brother in confusion. But Jason looked mildly indignant.
“Er, he was still drunk! Which, although possibly excusable last night, was part of the original problem. I do have some standards you know,” he protested and Justin chuckled.
“Alright, keep your hair on, I was just wondering. So what now then?” he asked.
“He loves me and he knows I love him. When he clears his head a little bit, he’ll call or come round or something and he will say sorry and explain and then I will go home,” Jason explained slowly, his brow creasing slightly as he thought it over.
“What, today?” Justin questioned and Jason nodded.
“Has to be. I can’t bear another day of loving each other from a distance, it’s bloody knackering,” he told Justin, closing his eyes and leaning his head back.
“I’ll keep away from the phone then,” Justin smiled and Jason grinned.
“Cheers Justin,” he said as his brother left the room.
Jason couldn’t help but smile to himself as he settled in to wait for Howard. He had hardly noticed himself gently calling Howard ‘Love’, hadn’t had to think twice before letting him curl up and sleep in his embrace. It just came naturally to him, it was easier to do it than not to. He had missed him so much. He’s missed his arms around him, missed the way he would sleepily kiss him in morning, the way he’d watch him with those thoughtful blue eyes, trying to find beauty in even the most mundane of moments. He couldn’t wait to crash into his arms again, wrap his arms around Howard’s neck and feel the light scratch of his stubble against his cheek. It was time to go home – and by home he didn’t mean his apartment. Although it had been nice to straighten the place out. Bless him, Howard had done his best to keep it tidy, Jason could tell that much. Howard himself had needed a little straightening out too mind you, what with his mysterious bruises and his aching heart and his neglecting to wear a coat during a late cold-snap.
Making his way upstairs he could still remember his mother’s fond concern the day of his wedding. She had slipped in to talk to him in a rare moment alone under the pretence of enquiring after Gary’s whereabouts. But as soon as she had popped her head around the door Jason had known she was there to worry about him. After all, he didn’t get that trait from nowhere. No, she had been there to fret mildly after her favourite son. Jason had realised relatively early on in life that she told all her sons that they were her favourite, but that didn’t stop any of them letting themselves believe it from time to time. And when she’d appeared that day Jason had let himself believe it with a little smile. ‘Please, sweetheart, just tell me for the thousandth time you’re sure’ had been her words as she’d sat down, taking his hand and stroking the back of it with her thumb. Jason had put his other hand on top of hers and smiled. ‘Mum’ he had sighed softly but the look she had given him told him she needed a bit more of a promise than that. He’d wondered about just telling her he was sure and that she’d better go before Mark came back from ordering the florist around. But then he’d thought of Howard. Howard, with his rough-around-the-edges beauty and his silent strength and that reluctant laugh of his when he was teased and those eyes that could know everything going on in his head with a single look. And he had known he owed Howard a bit more than empty placation. So instead he looked his mum in the eyes and made her a promise; ‘Mum, he is flawed. And he is chaotic. And he is a messy bugger. And I know his muscles terrify Nan. But... I love him despite it. And I love him because of it. And he’s probably going to give me a fair few heart-attacks but...he’d never forgive himself if he managed to break my heart, so it’s a pretty safe bet that he just won’t take the risk’. It had been enough to please him mum.
Looking back, Jason couldn’t help but think he should take his own advice. But that was hard to do as the hours began to tick by and Howard still didn’t call. Another hour and Jason curled up on his bed. Still no Howard. An hour and a half more passed and Jason had to turn the photograph by his bed face down, he wouldn’t polish it today. But still no Howard. And by the time Justin and his wife were huddled together on the sofa after dinner, Jason had actually turned to anger. The photograph was in a drawer, his phone had been flung across his room and his stuff had been flung from his suitcase...and promptly tidied up again but it had scared Justin nonetheless. He didn’t know where Howard was or what he was doing, but he had better show up with a bloody good excuse sometime soon or Justin was actually going to have to act on one of his earlier threats, even if it was just to snap Jason out of his fractured mood.
***
Dear Howard,
I first must ask you to forgive me for addressing you in this way. I know I have no right to but I rewrote the start of this letter about fifty times in my head and couldn’t find a single way that was appropriate. You must have no idea who I am or why I am writing to you and I’m afraid that when I tell you, you may never read what I have to say. I couldn’t blame you if you tore this letter to shreds but I must hope that instead you will keep it in a draw somewhere, try and forget about it, ignore it until a day when you are ready to deal with it. I hope you will be ready to deal with it someday, I sincerely do, but I will understand if that day comes long in the future, or even if it never comes at all. I must explain. My name is Emily Chappell. I know you could well be tearing this paper about now but I will try and explain anyway, I promise. Ashcroft House is the facility in which they have been helping me with my ‘physiological rehabilitation’, or that’s how they phrase it. It is a wonderful place, far better than anywhere I may have ended up without the kind words Jason put in for me – goodness knows how he could bear to do that, I suppose you must have struggled to understand yourself how he could be so generous to someone who had hurt the two of you so badly. For the past year I have been recovering here and, though I am anything but cured, I am what they refer to a lot as ‘more stable’, though I hate the phrase myself. I have, for the past few weeks, been trying to go over the events that brought me to this place in a way that I hope will help me deal with them properly, eventually anyway, and I have found that it is your name that has been the hardest to untangle in my mind. I had honestly convinced myself that you were responsible for taking my husband away and all those emotions got so mixed up in my mind that I’ve found it very hard to separate everything in my head without first apologising to you. You probably hate me, but I felt I had to at least try and talk to you and ask you if you could bear to talk to me, just for a little while? I don’t expect you to be rushing in to visit me, I hardly expect you to come at all. But I am asking you if you would hear my apology in person at least, some day anyway. It may sound ridiculous to you, but maybe the talk could help us both? I have enclosed a map and the visiting hours here, should you decide to come here and, whilst I know better than to think you owe me anything, I hope to see you soon.
Yours sincerely,
Emily Chappell
Howard had sat in silence for a minute, watching everyone else in The Crown move around him in slow motion. He hadn’t been sure what he should feel. He’d supposed he should feel angry, just as she expected him to feel. But he hadn’t felt angry. He’d felt...he’d felt like he wanted to talk to her. He had glanced at his watch. It had taken him most of the day to try to get himself together, to attempt to dispel the insecurity in him that told him he would never be good enough for Jason, trying to fix himself so that he could properly fix his marriage. He’d glanced at the map and the visiting hours then and he just wasn’t able to shake the strange sensation that before he did anything else he had to talk to her. He guessed that, after his display last night, it was unlikely Jason would take him back today and, if he left right then, he could get to Ashcroft House with an hour before the visiting hours ended. He’d stared at the letter a moment longer and taken a deep breath. He couldn’t explain it but it was something he simply had to do, so he had shoved the letter in his pocket and all but ran to his car, not entirely sure he was thinking straight and not entirely sure that that bothered him. And now here he was. Still not convinced he was doing the right thing, but convinced that he was going to find out.
Chapter Five
They couldn’t be sure how long they stared at each other. It was longer than was strictly polite for a first meeting but neither one of them could tear their eyes away. Besides, this wasn’t your typical first meeting. Emily stared up at Howard with a mixture of fright and awe and as he took in her delicate features he couldn’t get over how fragile she seemed. He supposed that in his head he had tried to demonise her, his way of trying to shut out the sympathy and maintain the anger he wanted to feel towards her. Her eyes were wide and cat-like, sapphire blue and glittering quietly beneath her long lashes. She had an elfin face, wide and open and pale, framed by soft locks of light blonde hair that fell with a natural curl. Emily also found herself surprised by the man she saw. She supposed she should have known that a man like Jason would have impeccable taste, but she still couldn’t help but be surprised. She’d only ever seen him from a distance before and he’d seemed a bedraggled figure to her. But here he was, dark black curls falling handsomely across his forehead and a good showing of stubble grazing his face. He was tall too, and muscular. Jason was strong but he was waif-like, his muscles all concentrated in his arms. Howard was different all together; he looked like he had actually eaten a meal in his life for a start. When their eyes met she saw the pale, cloudy blue of his stare and her fear melted somewhat. He looked...lost? Nervously, she inclined her head towards the gardens, hoping he would catch her meaning. It was raining but he had an umbrella and a walk would probably do them both good. He nodded his agreement and slowly they turned, heading out of the door and down the steps.
For a while they walked in silence, listening to the patter of the rain on his umbrella and staring at the pathway they were walking along. They had no idea how to greet one another, never mind how to tell each other what was on their mind. And yet somehow the silence wasn’t awkward. Howard risked another glance at Emily. She seemed so harmless and yet she was responsible for a huge, black raincloud that had stretched over his life for months. But then, he wasn’t exactly an angel himself was he? He’d managed to drive the second most patient person he’d ever known (because surely even Jason couldn’t be more patient than his mum!) out of the door. If anything he was worse than Emily. He had no unbalanced mental state to blame, he was just an idiot. He’d known what was at stake. Hell, it was thanks to Emily that he knew exactly what losing Jason would be like, giving him all the more incentive not to let it happen again.
“I didn’t think you’d come at all, if I’m honest,” Emily said in a small voice. She had a South London lilt to her voice, Howard noticed.
“I s’pose I might not have done, in different circumstances. Desperate times, desperate measures,” Howard mumbled. Emily couldn’t help but smile as she detected the faint whisper of a lisp in his words. For a moment the two of them looked at one another, taking in the sudden human reality that was beginning to break down their imagined versions of each other. Then Emily took a deep breath, biting her lip.
“So I...I uh...” she tried and Howard looked at his feet.
“You can ask, I don’t mind,” he sighed and Emily nodded a little uncertainly.
“Why did you come...since...since it doesn’t sound to me like you came to hear what it was I had to say,” she tried, screwing up her pretty face as she tied herself in knots. Howard could see now why Jason had extended so much kindness to her after what had happened. Howard had stayed well out of it. Before the hearings, Jason would look at him with understanding and disappointment and say; ‘Ok...well, I’ll go on my own in that case’. And Howard would justify it using his anger towards her. Emily and Jason hadn’t met since what had happened but she had been informed of all the trouble he had gone to and the guilt and worry about that showed on her face.
“Because...because it felt like the right thing to do. Because I haven’t got anyone else to turn to who hasn’t just got things I already know to tell me,” Howard shrugged at last. Emily smiled slightly.
“Like what?” she asked him and he laughed a deflated, hollow laugh.
“Like; I’m an idiot. Like; I should sort my own messes out. Like; Jason is the best thing that ever happened to me and I need to go round to him right this second and explain everything. But they don’t seem to realise that that won’t solve the problem,” he told her, surprising himself a little with his honesty. Emily, however, continued to watch their feet as they walked.
“So...so you and Jason are...” she began, unsure how to put it. Howard shook his head.
“We’re still married, if that’s what you’re trying to ask. And I know he still loves me and...God knows I still love him but...but...but why am I telling you all this?!” he frowned, shaking his head. Emily smiled, laughing quietly and shrugging.
“I don’t know, it came as a bit of a shock to me too. I could forget you’d said anything if you’d like. We could just walk in silence ‘til we get back and then you can go home and forget about me. It’s probably better that you do. I probably shouldn’t have written and...” she began but Howard shook his head, waving a hand to stop her and looking up at the grey sky.
“No...no...I...it’s ok. Honestly,” he insisted and Emily risked a sidelong glance at him before nodding.
“Ok. So...you’re in love but not strictly together?” she ventured, her voice so tiny and quiet that Howard hardly heard her above the rain, which was beginning to ease.
“Something like that. And I don’t think I can fix it until I fix me. But no one will tell me how to do that and...and I’m starting to think maybe this is just the way my life is best lived. Alone, that is,” he said, his own voice oddly soft. Emily looked up at him then, her face caring.
“What on earth could you ever do to make Jason want to be away from you?” she questioned, eyes wide. Her wonderment raised a smile from Howard.
“Behave like a complete twat,” he told her bluntly. It was clear that she didn’t know whether to laugh or whether to stay silent, obviously still nervous as to how to talk to him at all.
“But...I’m guessing he knew you were a twat when he married you...” she teased tentatively, looking at him with mild anxiousness, wondering if she was allowed to do anything so casual as tease him. Despite himself Howard chuckled and nodded slowly, turning his gaze back to the rain.
“Yeah, he did. He reminds me at regular intervals too, just in case. But he couldn’t even do that if I was avoiding him...which I was. But not because I wanted to, not really,” he sighed after a breath and Emily’s sapphire eyes glimmered up at him
“You avoided him?!” she asked in disbelief and for a moment Howard had to wonder exactly what her impression of him had been. She’d led him to believe that in her unsettled state, he had been considered by her as a husband-stealing creep, but from the way she looked at him, she seemed to believe him to be more than worthy of Jason’s love. If only he had such faith.
“See, now you think I’m a complete twat too, right?” he said with a rueful smile but Emily shook her head furiously, her expression almost child-like.
“No. No, I’ve got no right to think anything like that about you. But...well, still...you avoided him?!” she asked and Howard smiled slightly shyly.
“I have this...this tendency for screwing up my relationships. As soon as things seem to be perfect? I cock everything up with a monumental act of stupidity. I was trying to save Jason the hurt. But I was always way too much of a disaster to ever deserve someone like him. It was my efforts not to hurt him that ended up ruining everything. Anyone with a brain could have seen what I was doing but...I was too drunk or...too stressed...or...too something to really get the message before it was too late,” Howard explained, looking at his hands.
“But...but that makes no sense...” Emily began.
“Do insecurities ever make sense?” Howard interrupted but Emily continued.
“No, you don’t understand. I...I try not to think about...well, what happened, you know? But I remember some stuff. Some things Jason said, things he told me. When I...when I did anything that pushed him to his limit or hurt him or...it was you he would come back to. In his eyes you are everything he is in yours,” she assured him, a lock of hair falling in her eyes. Howard looked at her a moment, a frown creasing his forehead as he tried to think of what to say. They had neatly avoided the topic of why their paths had really crossed and now it had been mentioned he wasn’t sure how to react. He wondered if he should be upset by the memories or if it should hurt him to hear her talk about what had happened. But he was too surprised by her unshakeable belief that he was, in fact, good enough for Jason Orange.
“He tells me all of that too, you know. And I know he loves me, I do. God, do I know that, and I can’t believe my bloody luck. But that’s just the problem, it’s all luck. He is so incredibly out of my league and I was lucky to even meet him...” he said.
“But he loves you,” Emily pointed out and Howard smiled.
“But what is love, exactly? No one understands it, do they? He loves me now but...but he could love someone else so easily. Someone who wouldn’t hurt him the way I will,” he replied.
“Love is a truth, the truth doesn’t change,” Emily said resolutely.
“I love him, perhaps that is a truth. But if love is a truth then let it break my heart, let him break my heart, change his mind...as long as he’s happy...the truth is murder sometimes,” Howard answered softly.
“No you don’t. Don’t play the martyr. Look...I...I know it’s not my place to be telling you what to do or say or feel but...but I know there are no leagues in love. Love is just love and, I grant you, no one really understands it, but...but there’s no such thing as not good enough when someone loves you the way Jason loves you. Did he ever tell you how much faith he has in you? Because it’s a lot. That much I definitely remember. Do you know what he said? I remember it because...because it reminded me of exactly what I had lost. His whole world was being ripped apart around him and he just looked at me and said ‘I know Howard. He’s stubborn and he’d move mountains for me’...it was as simple as anything to him. You might be flawed, Howard, but he loves you just the way you love him, luck has nothing to do with it at all,” Emily’s words poured out and Howard stared at her as she spoke, mystified. They’d stopped walking and the rain was no longer falling but they hardly noticed. Howard’s heart beat a little faster as it finally sunk in and he could feel his cheeks burning. How many times had Jason tried to tell him exactly that? And yet it had taken Emily, of all people, to get through to him.
“Oh my God... I don’t...I didn’t...oh bugger. Bugger!”
“What?”
“How the hell can I ever justify this? How can I make up for doubting something like that? How the hell can I even begin to convince him...” Howard began to ramble.
“Show him you’ll always move mountains for him?” Emily suggested, interrupting him.
“How do I do that?” Howard asked, eyes searching Emily’s face. She smiled up at him sadly.
“Be stubborn,” she said and Howard laughed, nodding slowly.
“By not taking no for an answer?” he asked with a grin and Emily laughed timidly.
“Yeah, that might be a good start. And it wouldn’t hurt to remember that when he cries, it’s you he needs to hold him, no one else. He would never cry in front of me...no matter what. It’s the principle of the thing. You’re the only exception to him, the only one allowed past the walls. He might try and shut you out for a bit but...you're the only one who knows how to get back in again, I’m sure,” she told him steadily and he could see the tears in her eyes.
“The only exception?” he asked tentatively and she smiled.
“I saw his wedding band,” she said.
“Of course,” Howard murmured to himself. Jason’s promises, the ones he never hid from anyone, the ones Howard had managed to have faith in for all those months of rain but had forgotten for no reason for the sake of trying not to screw everything up.
“You know, I only brought you here to tell you how sorry I am...I...I can’t believe I would ever try and put someone through what I went through but that’s what I did and I...” Emily was saying but Howard simply put a gentle hand on her shoulder and she raised her eyes back to his.
“Emily, it’s ok. And if it helps any? You’ve probably just put us back together again,” Howard told her gently. Emily smiled and nodded slowly. Howard began to walk away and Emily bit her lip.
“Howard! Take care of him, ok?” she called after him and her heart stopped as he turned, she was so scared she’d gone too far. But then he smiled and nodded.
“Consider it done,” he called back, before disappearing down the path and out of her vision.
***
“I’ve made my mind up. I’m running away. I’m going to join a travelling circus and ride the elephants...or...walk the tightropes...or...whatever it is people who run away to the circus actually do,” Mark declared, sauntering into the bedroom and all but striking a pose. Gary looked up at him disconsolately from his place on the floor, straining to lift his neck enough to look at Mark before flopping back down in defeat and letting out a sigh.
“You’ve decided this why exactly?” he asked faintly, wincing a little and shifting. Mark looked at him, his face briefly clouding with pity before he turned elegantly on his heel and prepared to make a list.
“Well, first of all, I don’t want to die at the hands of a disgruntled band manager – Jonathan will never find me if I’m at the circus, there’s too many places to hide, he’ll be forced to blame you for lying to him and I’ll survive. Then there’s the fact my home needs fumigating...” he reeled off and Gary rolled his eyes. He’d been well aware he was marrying a drama queen, but it still never ceased to amaze him, Mark’s capacity to exaggerate infinite. And yet he couldn’t help but smile as he caught Mark’s eye. Mark, who was still pacing and listing and flouncing, flashed him one of those sunny little grins he was so good at, eyes a-glimmer, and Gary took his opportunity to interrupt.
“Hang on, rewind, fumigating?” he questioned and Mark nodded.
“Definitely. Poor Cadbury’s on his back in there! All four legs in the air, tongue lolling out. I’ll need a new dog too...do you think they’ll let me bring a dog into the circus?” he replied with a small frown. Gary turned his eyes heavenwards and laughed.
“You’re not running away to the circus. And Cadbury isn’t dying, he’s probably just annoyed that he’s missing the some reality show or other. Now, will you please, please, get the Tiger Balm off the side and come over here and look after me,” he begged. Mark pulled his best contemplative face.
“Hmm, I don’t know. It’s a lot of effort nursing you, Barlow. What are the magic words?” he questioned, picking up the Tiger Balm from on top of the chest of drawers and waving it tauntingly in Gary’s direction. Gary let out a groan but Mark just chuckled gently.
“Um...you’re gorgeous? Wonderful? Amazing? The most talented singer slash waiter slash elephant trainer that ever walked the earth? Light of my life? Perfect angel? Doctor Owen?!” he tried and Mark laughed some more before jumping over onto the bed, peering over the edge and down at Gary.
“I was thinking more...’I won’t ever try and reach Jason’s super-secret in-case-of-emergency biscuits when in the shop on my own again’...but thank you anyway, In-Patient Barlow,” he said brightly.
“Oh, and you would have reached them so much more easily would you?” Gary pouted slightly petulantly.
“Ok, I might not be as tall as Jason, but I am very agile you know. And I also don’t have a history of bad backs,” he pointed out, a sly grin spreading across his features and his pink tongue flashing out in taunt. If the thought of movement wasn’t so painful, then Gary was sure he would have pulled Mark into a kiss in a heartbeat. But seduction was not an option tonight.
“Maybe. But if it came to a race, I’d win. I’m fitter than you any day of the week,” Gary sighed, feeling he had to get one up on Mark somehow. Mark simply shrugged idly, rolling away from the edge of the bed and out of Gary’s eye line. He spread himself out on the bed and stared up at the ceiling, closing his eyes and savouring the feeling of having an entire bed to himself; he was almost tempted to go under the duvet and make the most of Gary not being able to steal the all the covers like usual, but he decided that would just be far too cruel.
“I don’t need to be as fit as you, I am naturally slim,” he told Gary and Gary pulled a face.
“Would that I had it so easy,” he lamented with a sudden attack of self-pity. Mark rolled his eyes.
“You beginning to see why Jason felt the need to hide the biscuits from you now?!” he teased.
“Eh! Jay may well be an incredibly neurotic man, but there’s only one reason he hid them biscuits; he’s nothing if not cunning. The Battle Of The Biscuits is just a small phase of the wider war that has been going on between us since the first second he bloody met me! And you know something, Markie? I really miss it!” Gary replied with a distant sigh. Mark rolled over, his head appearing over the edge of the bed again.
“But you’ve got me,” he tried gently.
“Yeah, but Jay would join me on the floor if I hurt my back, not hog the bed,” Gary chuckled.
“Since when were you and Jay bunking up?!” Mark said mischievously before rolling himself off the edge of the bed, landing on top of Gary with a thud.
“Ow,” Gary whimpered, though he wrapped his arms instinctively around Mark’s waist.
“Sorry...lolly?” Mark smiled innocently, producing two lollypops from one of his pockets. Gary could only shake his head and laugh.
“You are something else,” he murmured, kissing the top of Mark’s head affectionately.
“I know, aren’t I just!” Mark joked before tilting his head and giving Gary a long, lollypop flavoured kiss.
***
As she came into the apartment Grace narrowed her eyes, surveying the scene before her and then turning around sharply, fixing her dad with a pointed gaze.
“Jay’s been here,” she told him and Howard couldn’t help but laugh.
“Am I raising a police dog here?! Yes, Jay’s been here,” he agreed, putting his keys down on the breakfast bar and turning to get himself a glass of water. Grace dumped her bag on the sofa before coming over to the breakfast bar to join him, pulling herself onto a stool and folding her arms.
“Ok, so why isn’t he here anymore then?” she demanded and Howard took a deep breath.
“Because your father is a daft sod who needed to get his head straight before he could be fit to be in Jay’s sight,” he told her with a shrug, leaning on the counter.
“What?! Are you kidding me?! Dad it’s been forever!! Sort this out or I’m going to live with Jason. I mean it! If he divorces you, I’m done being your daughter,” Grace huffed. She’d been sure that, after a fortnight to get his act together, her dad would have got Jason back to them in seconds once he’d packed her off to her mum’s for the weekend. Evidently her dad wasn’t as slick as she was giving him credit for; Jason had been in the apartment and he still hadn’t got him to stay there! How could her dad have just let him come and then go again?! Howard recognised the look on her face and was quick to step in.
“There’s laws about that sort of thing you know, ones that imply blood’s thicker than water. Not that it matters. I’m not going to let him divorce me. He wouldn’t anyway...well, actually, that depends how mad he is right now. Probably very. But still, I have a plan, ok?” he tried. Grace fixed him with an enquiring look.
“Oh?” she asked, hope suddenly creeping back in.
“Yes. But I need you to stay with your uncle for the night...actually, considering how determined Jay can be? Maybe a few nights...” Howard replied and Grace took a breath.
“Which uncle?” she asked and Howard laughed, that hadn’t been the question he was expecting.
“To be confirmed, I haven’t phoned ‘em yet. Maybe your aunt’s a safer bet...” he mused.
“And when I come home, Jay will be back?” Grace asked next and Howard bit his lip, nodding slowly.
“Jay might not know it yet, but yes, he will be back,” he said, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips as he thought of being able to just be around Jason again.
“Fine. I’ll go and pack a bag then. But you’d better be right, dad!” Grace sighed dramatically, jumping down from her stool and disappearing down the corridor.
***
Jason stared up at the ceiling, listening to the sound of his own thoughts turning over and over in his head. Why hadn’t Howard come? He’d like to say the anger had largely gone now but he’d be lying if he did. It had changed from the prickling, door-slamming anger of that evening at least and had instead become a simmering feeling that burnt the back of his throat. Which he thought was possibly more unpleasant. He’d been so sure, so convinced, that there had been a shared moment of understanding between himself and Howard. He’d been prepared to overlook the fact he’d got drunk...again. He’d been willing to accept his mumbled apologies as enough. He’d even come to the conclusion that, no matter how crap the explanation for his behaviour was, whatever Howard told him he would accept completely, just to be back in his arms. Why on earth would Howard want to extend this torture? Because that’s what it was. Maybe that was why he was so angry, Jason thought with a sigh. Maybe if this whole business of being apart was actually bearable, he wouldn’t feel so utterly devastated by Howard’s lack of haste. And now Jason had reached the point where, no matter how much it pained him, he needed to retaliate. If Howard called now, he would not just do the easy thing and fall back into his arms. No. He would stand up for himself, the way that he had been brought up to do. He would make Howard go through the torture for a while, see how he liked it. Would he take him back eventually? That question was altogether more tangled in Jason’s head.
Howard Donald was, undoubtedly, his soul mate. If ever Jason found himself utterly alone in the world, at a loss, convinced that there was no one out there to understand the complicated network of thoughts and emotions that he was made up of, then he would think of Howard, talk life through with him. And the best part? Howard would understand. Somehow, even when Jason tried to hide his worries, Howard could find them out, he could know from a single look. And he was far too stubborn to ever take ‘I’m fine’ for an answer. Except on the times when Jason wanted him to take it as an answer – and Howard could always sense those times, he never needed telling. Whenever Jason was hurt or broken or when he came undone; there was Howard, ready to fix him. There was something about him that made Jason feel everything, magnifying all emotions, forcing him to allow himself to be broken but also bringing him even more alive when he was feeling happy. Nothing could really compare to that feeling. And nothing could compare to Howard. Part of Jason wanted to cry as he thought that. Because it was the one thing he was never able to convince Howard of. It hurt him, that Howard could fight blindly for him for eternity and still not realise just how easy it was for Jason to love him. But of all the traits to have, was that really such an inexcusable one?
Jason sniffed, taking in a breath to steady himself and prevent any tears from falling. He couldn’t do this. The time for letting Howard back in had passed. It was time to start readying himself for a very different sort of fight; a fight to keep Howard out. If it doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger, right? But Jason’s thoughts were interrupted by a sound at the window. He frowned, turning his head and looking at the window nervously. Then the sound came again. Like...like someone throwing something at the window? Another scratchy chink came from the window, and this time Jason felt sure he could see a tiny pebble graze the glass. Nervously he pulled himself out from under the duvet and padded over to the window, peering down into the garden outside. It took everything Jason had not to run down the stairs then and there, almost pained him not to sink into those arms and cry with relief and sadness and everything else. Howard looked so handsome in the moonlight. His hat was pulled down over his black locks, trapping a few curls tightly against his forehead, and the collar of his coat was tugged up to his ears, his arms half wrapped around himself. But there was a look of determination so clear to see in those eyes that Jason could feel it, even up in his room. For a moment the two of them looked each other. Jason almost raised a smile as he saw the way Howard’s eyes briefly flickered over his bare chest.
Sucking in a breath, he moved away from the window, pulling a hoody from the chair in the corner. He tugged it over his head, closing his eyes and trying to keep his resolve, trying to forget just how handsome Howard’s roguish face had looked under the stars and the streetlamps. Then he reached over and opened the window, leaning out as if to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. It was a cold night considering it was almost April but Howard barely seemed to notice, his eyes fixed firmly on Jason.
“Can we talk?” Howard called up and Jason stared down at him for what felt like a lifetime. Jason felt himself wavering, caving in, all the walls he’d been trying to put up around his heart tumbling down. Shoddy workmanship, he thought to himself, musing briefly that maybe, just maybe, all the determination in the world couldn’t keep out the destructive powers of his love for one stupid, beautiful, infuriating prince of a man. He could feel his heart starting to resign itself to the fact that he just wasn’t strong enough to sustain this anger against Howard. But, just as he was about to nod, race down the stairs and into Howard’s embrace, he found the anger building up again. All those nights when he had waited up for Howard to come to him and he’d chosen to show up drunk instead flicked past him in his mind. His hand twitched slightly from where it rested on the window and he decided that, if he closed his eyes and blacked out the image of Howard, down there, alone in the moonlight, he could just about bring himself to resolve that Howard needed a taste of his own medicine.
Howard jumped slightly as Jason slammed the window shut with force and did the unthinkable; he closed the curtains. Jason never slept with the curtains closed – in his own home he didn’t even bother putting the things up in the first place. But closed they were. Howard and the moonlight were shut out in one go. Jason stalked back to the bed, well aware that he had also blocked out any chance of a good night’s sleep. But then, he hadn’t been sleeping anyway, this was just a different form of torture. He glanced at the bedside table and was slightly surprised to find that the picture he had looked at before bed each night was gone. And then he remembered. Silently he pulled it out of the draw, looking at it briefly before hugging it to his chest and closing his eyes. Sleep would be hard to come by tonight. But he had to try.
Meanwhile, outside, Howard could only sigh. He’d guessed that something like this would happen, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. He wouldn’t give up though, he reminded himself. Stubborn as hell, remember? Move mountains, remember? Instead he pulled his coat around him a little tighter and made his way back towards the front door, curling up on the porch and hoping that somehow he could get some sleep. Maybe by the morning Jason would be willing to talk to him. But he wouldn’t hold his breath.
***
Jason could feel the smile on his lips before his mind was able to catch up and prevent it. Those walls he’d built up to keep Howard out had well and truly and for all that he had been hiding behind the rubble, he couldn’t resist the urge to peek out and look at that beautiful face. It seemed the walls of his defences did not had foundations as solid as those of his and Howard’s relationship. Jason stood at the front door, Howard curled up at his feet, and let out a long, thoughtful sigh. He could just give in. He wanted to give in. Howard’s dark curls were still trapped against his skin by his hat, wispy and partially flattened, framing his sleeping face. It was only when Howard was asleep that those eyebrows of his stopped knotting and unknotting and Jason only just managed to stop himself from stroking his fingertips across that unusually thought-free forehead. From the way Howard was curled up tight against the elements, Jason could only assume that he had been here all night, curled up on the porch in an act of stubbornness that had to be admired – Jason would always give credit where credit was due, even to those he didn’t usually care for. There was always so much to be enchanted by when it came to Howard Donald. He was Just A Bloke; you know, one of those people you had to like. He didn’t pretend to be anything he wasn’t and he possessed a trusting, laid-back nature that invited friendship easily, once you got past his shyness at least. He told rude jokes and was a ruthless tease, he was a messy bugger and couldn’t help it, he could be moody as anything if he didn’t get enough sleep or sunshine...but for some reason the imperfections just made him all the more approachable, sealed the deal for his Just A Bloke status. It made him safe and undeniably likeable. And God was he stubborn. After all, here he was still, refusing to just go home and let Jason be mad with him. Jason sighed. Howard still smelt like Howard and he realised he’d missed that scent – he smelt like pillows and hairspray.
When Howard opened his eyes, Jason knew he should move, but he couldn’t quite summon up the energy. Howard himself seemed to be rooted to the spot, staying still but for rubbing one of his eyes and yawning, looking nervously up at Jason from his place on the floor. God, Jason could break a heart with a look – the thought struck Howard without his permission, fighting its way to the front of his half-asleep brain and lodging itself there. It had queue-jumped all his other thoughts, elbowing to one side all practicalities such as ‘How’d I end up here?’ and ‘When did I last eat or drink anything?’ and keeping his eyes from looking anywhere but Jason’s face. Yes, Jason Orange needed to be careful what direction he pointed that thing, Howard almost chuckled to himself. Jason was, by many accounts, the good looking brother of the Orange clan. In fact, in Howard’s experience, it was Jason’s siblings themselves that saw things this way, and really Howard was never going to contest such a notion. Jason had inherited a square jaw and narrow chin, thin lips and a grin that used up every muscle in his face. And then, of course, there were his bright, beady blue eyes – twinkly and devastating. He invited you to fall in love with him, or at least, that was how Howard had described him to his sister once, back when things were just starting to get serious between him and Jason. And it was true. Jason projected an honesty that Howard supposed helped people identify with him – he seemed so genuine, so down to earth so...so human...that people were too disarmed to fight against his charm and his good looks. And by the time they realised what was happening to them, they’d already been drawn in by his flaws and his complexities and his quiet humour. Jason didn’t mean to break hearts with a look, it was never his intention. All he had to do was smile, and there they were, drawn into him helplessly, all the while realising there was every chance Jason himself would have forgotten them tomorrow, unaware of just how far he had pulled them in.
Wordlessly Jason folded stepped over Howard, grabbing up the paper. He turned and for a moment Howard and Jason’s eyes were locked again. Jason saw the Just A Bloke he loved to bicker with. Howard saw the disarming beauty he so enjoyed trying to disentangle. Howard noticed Jason’s hands twitch slightly around the paper, tracing a finger along his wedding ring with a thoughtful look in his eyes. In his pocket Howard mirrored the movement, reminding himself that Jason had chosen him. The only exception, always. He’d chosen him because he a was a stubborn bastard and he would do anything for Jason.
“Mornin’,” Howard said softly, his voice gravelly from lack of sleep. He saw the small smile that Jason tried to hide from him and that stopped him from being disheartened when Jason stepped over him once more and firmly closed the door behind him.
Once inside Jason swallowed hard, trying to stop his heartbeat from stuttering. He pressed his back against the door and closed his eyes, tilting his head back and taking in a shaky breath. Justin, who had just been coming down the stairs, stopped in the hallway and watched his brother uncertainly, quirking an eyebrow.
“The paper boy getting on your nerves or am I missing something?” he frowned, running a hand through his hair and stifling a yawn. Jason opened his eyes and shrugged, heading towards the kitchen. Justin followed, still waiting for an explanation but also hoping for some breakfast.
“Howard spent the night on your porch,” Jason said as he switched on the kettle.
“What, the whole night?!” Justin remarked in surprise, raising his eyebrows.
“Pretty much. He wanted to talk, I slammed a window in his face and...well...Howard obviously decided he wasn’t talking no for an answer. Stubborn bastard,” Jason replied and Justin grinned.
“You almost smiled when you said that,” he pointed out and Jason pulled a face.
“Shove off,” he protested weakly, suddenly fascinated by watching the kettle boil.
“It was freezing last night,” Justin went on, ignoring his brother entirely.
“Justin!” Jason complained, a little more forcefully this time.
“You know, you love the fact he’s such a stubborn git...” Justin began.
“Bastard. Stubborn bastard, I said,” Jason corrected with a childish glower. Justin just smirked.
“Fine. You love the fact that he’s such a stubborn bastard then. You’re pretty bloody stubborn yourself you know. Besides, you come from a family full of people willing to fight for each other to the death – that’s a quality you’ve always searched for outside of the Orange clan. As soon as you found someone who would fight for you like that and then some? You married him. I’m just saying Jay...you love him like crazy and you’ve got him sitting out there showing you he will battle for you. How long are you going to keep torturing yourself by keeping that door closed, eh?” Justin pressed.
“Justin, my head and my heart disagree with each other at the best of times. And where Howard is concerned? They have a tendency to stop speaking to each other entirely,” Jason sighed, taking two mugs from the mug tree and looking away from Justin’s searching gaze.
“Fuck off,” Justin chuckled bluntly and Jason couldn’t help but laugh.
“I’m serious Justin. He just...he makes me feel everything, and I don’t know if it’s safe to let anyone have that much hold over me. I thought it was but...but if he doesn’t even understand what he’d capable of...” Jason sighed but Justin simply rolled his eyes.
“He’d move heaven and earth for you, Jay. You know it about him, you love it about him and you are powerless against it. He’s worked out he screwed up and he’s doing something about it. I give it a day before you cave in,” he told his twin with a nod, taking his tea and moving to leave. Jason sucked in his cheeks, putting his hands on his hips and frowning with mild irritation.
“I suppose you still want me to get your breakfast after that little lecture though,” he called and Justin turned on his heel, standing in the doorway with an innocent smile on his face.
“We’re family, you have a duty to me,” he told Jason with a shrug and Jason had to laugh as he watched his twin breeze off, leaving him to come up with some breakfast for them.
***
“You will never guess who is camped out on my porch!” Justin declared, bursting into the cafe, which was a lot more full than he’d been banking on. Several heads swivelled round but Mark was quickest, turning so swiftly on his heel that he almost sent chocolate milkshake and cheesecake flying all over the room. The woman whose order it was tentatively reached up and removed the items from his tray – she was a regular and, whilst she loved Mark, he had spilt far too many things on her for her to count. Mark, who had recognised Justin’s voice immediately, hardly noticed how light his tray had suddenly become and his eyes were wide with excitement.
“Is it Howard?!” he exclaimed, abandoning the tray on someone’s table.
“Ohw, that kinda took the fun out of it...” Justin mused, a little taken aback by Mark’s quick guess. Mark, whose hair was sticking up at angles, was all but climbing over tables to get to Justin then, grabbing him by the arm and steering him towards the back room.
“Seriously? Howard’s camped out on your porch?? What’s Jay said? Does Jay know?!” Mark was babbling and Justin pulled a face.
“You think my brother would ever let something like that get past him?! You have met my brother haven’t you! He’s a psychic freak from planet OCD!” he laughed and Mark rolled his eyes.
“But you love him,” he pointed out with a grin and Justin smirked.
“Of course, he’s my twin,” he agreed without missing a beat.
“You should hear the things my siblings call me,” Mark replied with a grin and Justin raised an eyebrow, casting his eyes over Mark’s unique appearance. Short, sunny, stylish and silly; Mark Owen was not a man to blend into a crowd. Justin could only imagine the teases he was at the mercy of from his own family, although he did know the colourful array of banter Mark exchanged with the Orange family whenever their paths crossed and he imagined it would be much the same fair.
“Anyway, I tried the shop but no one was there. Do you usually put out the open sign then leave?” Justin asked Mark and Mark frowned.
“Gaz should be there...did you look behind the counter?” he asked.
“Um...no, should I have?” Justin questioned Mark with a laugh.
“Gaz did his back in trying to foil a Jason Orange Biscuit Trap. He almost killed the dog with all the Tiger Balm fumes he’s filled our flat with and still he’s not cured! Anyway, he’s lying down behind the counter,” Mark nodded casually, as if such things were perfectly normal.
“Right...he’ll probably lose a lot of customers that way...” Justin mused and Mark nodded.
“Probably. But it’s all your brother’s fault,” he shrugged and Justin sighed.
“Mark, my brother has been setting traps for people most of his life – if Gary isn’t used to it by now he might want to consider turning in his honorary membership of the Orange family,” he pointed out. Mark flashed Justin a winning smile, a glint in his eye.
“So, speaking of your brother; spill! Come on – did he look happy? Annoyed? In love?” he prodded.
“Look, no offence Mark, mate, but...I should really be telling all this to Gary as well...” Justin said and Mark pouted for all of a second before quickly recovering himself and setting to work on the knot in his apron. The cord of his waiter’s apron had to be tied around him a good three times in order to get any hold on his narrow waist, but Mark’s fingers were agile and the fabric was whipped off him and thrown into a passing waitress’ face in seconds.
“Sorry Laura – cover me?” he beamed, his eyes all innocence and charm, before grabbing Justin once more and heading straight for the door.
“Just this once! Seriously though, Markie, I love you and all but do you actually ever do any work here?! You’re buying first round at the pub this weekend!!” she demanded of Mark’s retreating form.
“Love you too Laura!” Mark called back, blowing her kisses across the cafe and then hauling Justin out of the door with him. All the cafe regulars simply smiled and shook their heads and turned back to their papers; ‘Gotta love Mark’s shift’ they all thought to themselves.
“Do you always cause that much of a scene?” Justin laughed as Mark all but raced down the street.
“Pretty much wherever I go. Gaz despairs of me – he’d live a quiet life if it was left to him,” Mark grinned and Justin nodded.
“Mm. You are a sparkly little thing...and he’s more...” Justin tried to think of the right phrasing.
“Biscuits and a brew? I know. Now hurry up, I want to hear your gossip already!” Mark replied, tugging Justin in through the shop door and hauling him through to the shop’s counter. He jumped up onto it and peered over, finding Gary on the floor, staring back up at him dolefully.
“I thought you had lunchtime rush duty?” Gary asked him and Mark shrugged.
“Laura offered to cover for me. Look who’s stopped by for a chat though!” he smiled, pointing behind him. Justin approached the counter and peered over nervously.
“Um...afternoon Gaz...you uh, you alright down there?” he asked and Gary sighed.
“No tea but I’ll survive. What brings you here then? Don’t suppose you’ve got an urge to take up the violin? Fancy buying a few records? Need a songbook of ‘The Sounds of Summer’? Fancy making me a brew?” Gary suggested and Justin chuckled, shaking his head.
“Sorry, none of the above I’m afraid,” he admitted and Gary pulled a face.
“No, Justin came because – get this – Howard is only camped out on his front porch!” Mark put in, his voice all fireworks and honey as he whipped out a packet of Skittles from his jeans pocket.
“Really?!” Gary exclaimed, turning his attention back to Justin. Justin nodded and smiled.
“Yup. According to Jay, he showed up in the middle of the night, begging to talk. And the weirdest part? Jay shut the curtains in his face!” he explained. Mark almost choked on his Skittles.
“He shut the curtains in his face?! Oh my God – Howard is made of tough stuff if he didn’t go home after that!” he declared with a thoughtful nod of his head, popping another Skittle in his mouth.
“Wow...so how did Jay seem this morning? Annoyed? Upset? Impressed??” Gary asked.
“Christ, I wish I knew for sure. He tried to explain it to me but I just...I don’t understand him sometimes. But you know what my family are like...” Justin began.
“Part family, part pack of wolves?” Gary suggested with a grin and Justin laughed.
“Exactly! We are...protective and stubborn and we fight for each other. And Jay has always been so proud of that, he loves it, he loves that feeling of having this team of people behind him who’ll fight the cause for him and who he can fight the cause for. It’s funny but...I guess me and Howard have never gotten on like a house on fire, you know? Someone marries your twin brother, they’re effectively stealing your best mate, and that’s never a good way to start a friendship with someone but...but I think I’ve finally realised that he might as well be one of us. Coz I don’t think he’s moving. I think Jay could make him wait a year to talk and he’d still just sit there. Not that Jay will hold out a year,” Justin smiled, shaking his head. Mark tilted his head to one side.
“Won’t he?” he asked.
“Jay can do his fair share of stubborn too, after all,” Gary put in and Justin nodded.
“Agreed, but it’s been killing him. And Howard’s showing him he is still going to fight like hell...if you love someone for their fighting streak, how long can you resist them showing their stubborn side before you have to admit defeat?!” he sighed and Gary smiled.
“Sounds like we have a battle of wills on our hands,” he remarked.
“No,” Mark said simply and Gary and Justin looked at him in surprise.
“No?” Justin asked.
“We don’t have a battle of wills on our hands, you’re looking at it all wrong. What we have is Howard and Jason’s unique take on peace negotiations. Trust me, this time tomorrow? There will be fireworks,” Mark grinned and Gary raised an eyebrow.
“Fireworks?!” he frowned.
“Yep – from all the sexual tension they’ve been building up all this time!” Mark laughed.
“Urgh, Mark! That’s my brother! I don’t need to hear that!” Justin protested.
“Yeah, I could have done without it too actually...” Gary nodded.
“Listen, I have work anyway so um...Gaz, why don’t you give Jay a call, maybe he’ll tell you something he didn’t tell me, who knows?” Justin suggested, beginning to back away.
“Will do. Later Justin!” Gary called.
“Bye!” Mark shouted cheerfully, still laughing at the blushes he had caused.
“You’re a menace,” Gary told him.
“I know,” Mark beamed, blowing Gary a kiss and hopping down off the counter, Gary could only hope he was going off to make them both a brew.
***
Jason had to admit that, when the phone had rung, a small part of him had expected it would be Howard. Or maybe a small part of him had just hoped it would. He had tried to conduct his entire morning in as normal a fashion as possible but now it was lunch and his awareness of Howard’s presence just meters away from him was starting to attack his willpower.
“Morning Jay,” Gary’s voice came down the line and Jason narrowed his eyes.
“You’ve been talking to Justin,” he stated and Gary paused a moment.
“Justin?” he asked in slightly too high a voice. Jason smiled and shook his head, laughing softly.
“Mm, you know, my twin brother? Dark hair, big mouth, tendency to talk bullshit?” he sighed.
“Ah...that Justin. Maybe I have then,” Gary conceded with a grin.
“Let me guess, he told you that a certain husband of mine may or may not be setting up residence on the porch and refusing to move,” Jason suggested.
“Words to that effect, yes. So, tell me, how long has he been out there now? Rough estimates welcome...” Gary smiled and Jason pulled a face.
“Since...I dunno, midnight? One? I’m not sure. I actually had to close the curtains. I never close the curtains,” Jason told him.
“Blimey. And has he eaten? Drunk anything??” Gary asked and Jason thought a moment.
“That bloody man...” he began to mutter, but Gary could hear the smile creeping into his voice.
“Jason Orange you said that like you loved ‘that bloody man’! Come on, just admit it, you married him because he’s an obstinate little sod, right??” he teased swiftly and Jason pursed his lips.
“Something like that,” he admitted quietly, peering out of the window. Howard was still there, hunched up next to the door, playing with his wedding ring. He sighed, trying and failing for the millionth time that day to suppress the smile that came upon him.
“Oh go on, Jay, at least feed the poor bugger! And talk to him whilst you’re at it! Why are you bothering to fight it??” Gary said and Jason had to wonder.
“I don’t know...I just...” he waved an arm vaguely, though he knew Gary couldn’t see.
“Still a bit pissed off?” Gary tried and Jason shrugged.
“Maybe. I wish it was that simple. But listen, Gaz, you were right about feeding him, I should. So I need to go now. Oh! And I know I’m on speaker so you can take your hand of Mark’s mouth too,” Jason told Gary and he smirked as he heard the scuffle at the other end.
“Hi Jay,” Mark called cheerfully, obviously overpowering Gary.
“What gave him away?” Gary frowned and Jason rolled his eyes.
“Gaz, he is a shameless gossip, he would never leave this alone. But seriously you two, I get your concern, I do. But I’m ok,” he assured them. Mark folded his arms and let out a huffy sigh.
“I’m not a shameless gossip!” he protested.
“You are shameless though,” Gary pointed out. Mark attempted a glare then wavered and sighed.
“Anyway Jay, we know you’re ok. You’re always ok, or at least, you always say you are. What we really need to know is; are you and Howard ok?” Mark said and Jason paused.
“I’m going now,” he tried, not really wanting to answer the question.
“Oh no you don’t! Come on, Jay – when this whole thing started, you know what you told me to do? Worry about Howard. And you know what I think Howard’s main concern is right now?” Gary asked.
“Me and Howard,” Jason sighed with a small smile as he looked out of the window once more.
“Got it in one. Do what you have to do Jay, just remember that marrying him was the only decision you have ever not had to think about in your life. The whole heart-head debate? It’s irrelevant right now,” Gary assured him before hanging up.
Silently Jason made Howard’s lunch, thinking over what Gary had said. He was right, wasn’t he? The whole heart-head thing...it didn’t matter much when it came to Howard. Howard was a no brainer. Howard was like...like air. Jason breathed him in and out without noticing, he didn’t make any conscious effort to be in love with him and yet, every morning when he woke up, there was that sensation in his heart, that dull thud of...of Howard. He could feel it as he put Howard’s lunch on a plate. It was still there when he poured a glass of water. It got stronger as he neared the door, opened it, set the meal down next to Howard and met Howard’s eyes. But for some reason Jason couldn’t explain, he still turned around and shut the door again. He couldn’t close out that dull thudding, he knew. But he figured he should at least try. How long had Justin give him? A day? He could hold out more than a day, if only to prove a point.
***
Howard lay awake, staring into middle-distance and thinking of Jason. He couldn’t deny, he’d got his hopes up when Jason had appeared with lunch, had dared to think for a moment that he might be getting somewhere. But he should have known Jason Orange was made of tougher stuff. As the afternoon had worn on to evening he’d phoned Grace and asked for more time and then been forced to sit and watch the night fall all by himself. He knew he probably ought to try and sleep, but for some reason he preferred lying awake and missing Jason. He was determined to keep on missing Jason’s arms around him, missing Jason’s starry eyes, his gentle smile. He wondered if it would be too unorthodox to send a postcard to someone from their own porch; Wish You Were Here. It was tempting. He tried to think the sentiment in Jason’s direction, tried to will the thought up the stairs and into his room, but he wasn’t sure how well that was working. At least thinking of Jason meant he didn’t feel so alone. Howard shivered. This would be his second night without sleep if he kept this up and he really ought to at least close his eyes. But he didn’t.
Howard glanced at the clock on his phone, squinting to make out the numbers. Nearly midnight. He smiled to himself – all those times he had promised Jason that he would move hell and high heaven to make him happy, he had never imagined he would be doing this. But he needed to make Jason happy again, to fix him again. And if this was the best way to do it? Then so be it. Howard sighed and pulled his hat off his head, shaking his hair slightly and rubbing a hand over his face. It was then that he heard it, the soft click of the lock behind him. He looked up hesitantly, his forehead creasing with nerves and hope and guilt and every other emotion under the sun. And then the door opened. Jason looked so beautiful in the half-light that for a moment Howard forget altogether where they were and what was happening, he just looked up into those eyes. Jason too seemed frozen, hovering in the half-open doorway, an unreadable look on his face. Silently he nudged the door further open and Howard noticed now that he was holding a heavy throw cover and a pillow in his arms. And yet this didn’t feel like the same brief delivery stop of the afternoon. Maybe Jason had been wishing he was here as well.
With a tender slowness, Jason knelt at Howard’s side, tucking the throw firmly around his shoulders and wrapping him up tightly. Howard watch dumbly, letting Jason bundle him up and then sit back again, taking the pillow, fluffing it and propping it up against the wall. Jason sat back, leaning against the pillow and getting himself comfortable before turning his eyes back to meet Howard’s. The faint smile of acknowledgement was all Howard needed and, slowly, he let himself collapse into Jason’s lap. It felt so good to rest his head and he closed his eyes for a moment. He could hardly believe what was happening when Jason gently placed his hand on his head, stroking his hair tenderly. He opened his eyes, just to make sure he wasn’t dreaming, and sure enough, he met directly with Jason’s gaze, For the longest time he just lay there, looking up at Jason looking down.
“Can’t sleep without the curtains open?” Howard asked croakily, nervously. Jason smiled, his eyes shining brightly in the dark, quirking his lips slightly and tilting his head.
“No. I couldn’t sleep without you,” he replied honestly. Howard felt the tingle of relief that sent through his bones and, as he looked unwaveringly into Jason’s eyes, he could tell that something had shifted between them. Shifted for the better.
Neither one of them could be entirely certain how long it was they stayed that way, watching each other in silence. Howard hardly dared break the moment, no matter how badly he wanted to talk. He couldn’t help but worry that talking would ruin it, couldn’t help but wonder if talking might break the moment and send Jason rushing back into the house. And that was the last thing he wanted. Jason’s hands were still stroking softly at his hair though and his breathing was so steady, his eyes so firm, that Howard couldn’t help but think he didn’t look at all like he was going anywhere. Taking all his courage in his hands Howard drew in a breath, still looking into Jason’s eyes.
“If...if I’d just walked away, would it have mattered?” he asked tentatively. Jason smiled.
“It would have mattered,” he replied quietly, his eyes glowing.
“I wouldn’t have though.”
“I know.”
“And I know you wouldn’t have either. I mean...you didn’t.”
“I couldn’t, How,” Jason assured him. Howard broke a smile at that.
“I’m a disaster zone,” he reminded Jason with a grin. Jason laughed softly.
“Yeah, you are,” he agreed, resting his hand for a moment, leaving it tangled in Howard’s hair.
“I’m the disaster you chose though,” Howard added. Jason smiled a tender, distant smile.
“Exactly,” he said.
“I was listening, Jay. I’m just slow sometimes.”
“Oh How,” Jason sighed, though he smiled softly still.
They let the silence fall back around them again and Jason began to stroke Howard’s hair once more. Howard used the quiet to try and think up how to explain himself, try to work out how to approach the mess he had made of loving Jason.
“So I guess that means you know that, sometimes, some of the things I say and do aren’t exactly...they sort of...” he tried and Jason’s lips twisted slightly as he hid another smile.
“Don’t have the desired effect? End up leaving things in more disarray than when you started?” he suggested and Howard nodded, suppressing a smile of his own.
“Something like that. I guess what I’m trying to say is; I wasn’t avoiding you. I mean...I was avoiding you but...I was doing it because I loved you, not because I’d stopped loving you,” he explained, searching Jason’s face for any sign that he might run. But he didn’t look like he was going to run, although he did purse his lips a little and his eyes briefly flicked away.
“Ok,” he said slowly and for the longest time Howard’s heart stopped beating. But then Jason’s eyes came back to his, and he knew he could make this ok. He could.
“The thing was that...I realised that I’m an idiot. And I realised that you were wonderful. And given my track record with screwing up every relationship I’d ever had I just...I really didn’t want to lose you. And I s’pose I thought I couldn’t possibly hurt you if I wasn’t there to say the stupid thing that would ruin everything...” he began. Jason’s thumb still stroked absently at Howard’s forehead.
“How, if you managed to screw those relationships up so easily, they were as good as over anyway. No matter what you...you should have known I loved you more than that. You’re not the only one who thinks the man he loves is special. I need you. You’re the only person I let myself need like that,” Jason murmured, slightly sadly.
“I did know that Jay, I swear. Sometimes I just...I didn’t think I deserved that love. And no matter what I did I couldn’t stop thinking that...that maybe you’d be better off loving someone else. Someone less...” Howard tried, looking up at Jason plaintively. Jason sighed.
“Disastrous?” he suggested with a whisper of a smile in his eyes. Howard almost laughed.
“Yeah, that’s the one,” he agreed and Jason nodded, thinking a moment.
“So what changed your mind?” he asked.
“The strangest thing actually...it was Emily...” Howard told him. Jason stared at him a moment.
“Emily as in...” he began in a whisper.
“Yeah. That Emily,” Howard said, trying to see into Jason’s thoughts.
“Wow,” Jason replied simply, chewing his lip. Howard tried to keep their gazes locked.
“She wrote to me and I went to see her and...and she told me the thing she remembered about you the most,” he explained. Jason couldn’t hide his intrigue.
“And what was that?” he whispered, stroking Howard’s hair properly again now.
“Me,” Howard smiled with a sheepish laugh and, to his relief, Jason laughed too.
“You,” he smiled, nodding as if he felt he ought to have guessed such an answer.
“She reminded me how important it was. That I’m the only exception. She reminded that I’m supposed to be stubborn. To be strong for you because...I’m the only one you’re not strong with. And that’s why I’m special, that’s why I shouldn’t assume I’m the only one who thinks I’m lucky,” Howard told Jason quietly, quickly, all the while looking into his face. Jason smiled at him, slowly and softly, and silently ran the back of his hand along Howard’s face.
“So you came here for what exactly?” he asked gently and Howard smiled back at him.
“To show you that I’m still a stubborn git.”
“Message received,” Jason laughed slightly but Howard held his gaze.
“And to tell you I’m here. If you need me. If you’re not ok then...I’m here. Always,” he added.
“I never really put up my defences for you, How.”
“You need me?”
“I’ve come way too close to losing it, Howard. Way too close.”
“And I’m here now.”
“Thank you.”
“Jay...”
“Mm?”
“I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have to be.”
“But I am.”
“Everyone makes mistakes, How. You’re here now.”
“I’m still sorry though. I shouldn’t take it for granted, after everything I should’ve known that. I mean...I could have walked past that shop a thousand times and never gone in. I could never have known you and that...that doesn’t bear thinking about,” Howard replied. Jason simply looked at him, a thoughtful expression on his face.
“You really think you could have just kept walking past?” he asked and Howard couldn’t help but laugh softly at that.
“I don’t know. I guess it makes no difference now.”
“Or maybe it makes all the difference.”
The moment of quiet that elapsed between them then was the most healing silence of Howard’s life, and his and Jason’s eyes hardly blinked the entire time. Eventually Howard let out the breath he had been holding, wanting to move, finally bring their lips together again.
“Jay...” he began but Jason pressed him down carefully, stopping him from sitting up.
“Get some sleep, How,” he told him gently.
“But Jay...” Howard tried and Jason simply shook his head.
“Shh, love. It’s too dark and too late now to change anything,” he repeated and Howard frowned a little in concern.
“Jay, are we ok?” he asked, but Jason had tipped his head back now, his eyes closed.
“In the morning, How. With a little help from gravity,” he murmured softly. His hand was still stroking Howard’s hair when Howard fell asleep.
Chapter Six
Mark had been singing for the entire journey to work. He had woken Gary up that morning by singing. He had sung all through breakfast. He had sung along to the radio the whole time in the car. And he had sung all the way along Oldham Street. Gary couldn’t be sure why he didn’t beg him to shut up. Anyone else and he probably would have done. But Mark’s eyes were filled with such hope and glee that it seemed cruel to rain on his parade – Mark could get so excited at the mere prospect of living life it was a disservice to humanity to challenge that. Gary, on the other hand, would have seriously considered staying in bed this morning. He didn’t know why, it was just one of those days. Everyone had them, those mornings when they developed a sentimental attachment to their duvets. Mark, however, was most definitely not having one of those days. He raced up the street, stopping and turning round and putting his hands on his hips, making a great pantomime of waiting for Gary to catch up with him. Gary simply rolled his eyes, beginning to fish in his pocket for his shop keys.
“Come on slow coach!” Mark called, head bobbing from side to side, hair falling all over the place, the sunlight catching a streak of gold in his gleeful eyes. Gary chuckled, coming up to join his husband, who was now doing a dance on the pavement. However, as he moved to put the key in the lock he noticed that the shop sign had already been turned around to ‘Open’.
“Markie...we did turn the sign back round yesterday didn’t we?” he asked with a frown. Mark paused a moment, tilting his head to one side as he thought.
“Um...yes! I remember, because I was kissing you at the time – I turned it around behind your back. Who said men can’t multitask?!” Mark smiled and Gary grinned bashfully.
“Ah yes, how could I forget...so in that case, either we have a very conscientious burglar or...” he began and Mark let out a small gasp of excitement.
“Or a very conscientious shop assistant back to work at last!” he exclaimed, grabbing onto Gary’s arm and pressing his cheek to his shoulder as they both tentatively pushed open the shop door.
The shop’s bell announced their arrival and, from his place on the stairs, Jason looked up, giving his friends a quiet smile, a glint in his eyes that Gary couldn’t quite place.
“Mornin’,” Jason said simply, taking a sip from his tea. Gary raised an eyebrow.
“Mornin’,” he replied, trying to read his friend and failing. Jason Orange was too well guarded, too inscrutable. Something had happened though, that much was certain, because he hadn’t been expecting Jason to be coming back to work until he’d sorted out – one way or another – the situation between him and Howard.
“So, you seem happy today! Something...um...something happen last night we should know about?” Mark asked eagerly, bouncing slightly on his heels before going over to the stairs, leaning against the banister and trying to make Jason look him in the eye. Gary simply laughed; Mark would get nothing out of Jason when Jason was in one of these moods. And yet, for all Gary realised this, he was dying to press Jason for himself, so he shrugged off his jacket as quickly as possible, hanging it up before coming over to join Mark by the stairs.
“Yes, Jay. What brings you into work this morning? Could it be our company? The tea? The overwhelming urge to restore the back room to its former, ordered glory?” Gary smirked. Jason looked up at him, smiling softly before glancing back down into his tea.
“Ok, slow down. What did you ask, Mark?” he sighed, looking back up and arching an eyebrow.
“Something happen last night that we should know about?!” Mark repeated with an impatient grin.
“Something you should know about? No, I don’t think so. There was a good repeat of ‘An Audience With’ on the telly...but I uh...didn’t manage to catch it myself,” Jason replied, the corner of his lips twitching slightly as he fought off a smile. Mark narrowed his eyes at him.
“Did you sleep well?” he pressed and Jason actually managed to look him in the eye for that one.
“Best night’s sleep for weeks actually, Markie,” he said softly, a vaguely distant look in his eyes.
“Alright, now my questions,” Gary put in and Jason laughed.
“Um...did the company tempt me in? Maybe a little bit, you are my best friends, after all. The tea? No. You’ve been letting Mark buy the teabags in my absence I see? I’m going to have to restock with some more of my herbal stuff later. And the urge to organise...well, it’s not what brought me in but I have already done it, if that counts,” he told Gary with a steady voice. Gary let his lips form a tight line as he folded his arms and looked at Jason critically. Jason looked back at him unwaveringly, smiling and quirking an eyebrow in tease.
“Jay,” Gary said in a final attempt at breaking him.
“That’s my name. Well, actually, I believe my birth certificate says ‘Jason Thomas Orange’, but I’ll let you off, just this once. Now, if you two don’t mind, I’m going to go and look after that poor neglected till and read my book, ok?” Jason replied before getting up and calmly leaving the room.
“I despair,” Gary deadpanned and Mark just laughed, twirling around to sit himself down on the stairs, settling himself in the spot Jason had just vacated.
“Ok, so we didn’t break him. But something’s happened, that much we can be sure of,” he pointed out, proving once and for all that nothing could bring him down today.
“That’s as may be, it’s what happens next I’m more concerned with,” Gary sighed, sitting down next to him. Mark wrapped his arms around him, kissing the crook of his neck.
“That’s your problem, Barlow, always worrying about the future. But just this once, can you just relax and enjoy today? See what happens next when it happens?” he suggested, giving Gary another kiss. It proved to be an offer Gary simply couldn’t resist.
***
The little bell on the shop door jangled and, for a moment, Howard stood in the doorway, taking in the familiar feel of the shop’s dim warmth. Gary and Mark sat on the stairs, mugs of tea in their hands and biscuits poised, in perfect symmetry, half way to their mouths. Howard nodded vaguely to them in greeting, smiling distantly at their comical poses. Mark nodded back, automatically programmed to be friendly in any and all situations.
“Let me know if you want a brew or...something...oh...” Mark trailed off, stopping and frowning to himself. Gary gave Mark an odd look, nudging him slightly with his elbow.
“Mark!” he hissed, making Howard chuckle. Mark’s puzzled expression deepened.
“I don’t know why I said that,” he whispered back to Gary, screwing up his face.
“I’ll just uh...” Howard began, trailing off and simply pointing in the direction of the side room, trying to hide his amusement as Gary’s biscuit fell from his fingers and into his tea.
“Oh not again,” Gary muttered to himself, he and Mark both becoming so engrossed in the biscuit-rescue that they hardly noticed Howard crossing the room and slipping into next door.
Howard’s eyes briefly scanned the room, the stacks of songbooks and maze of bookcases, before coming to rest on the only sight he was really interested in. Jason Orange was sat cross-legged on the counter, as quiet and as handsome as Howard always remembered him, a mug of tea in one hand, his nose buried in a book. The scene fitted in so easily with the tranquil air the shop was filled with that Howard almost felt loath to disturb it. But he still remembered the first time he’d ever seen this sight – he remembered the way those feisty blue eyes had locked with his, the moment that something in Jason’s soul had first recognised something in Howard’s. Howard smiled quietly.
“Mornin’...ish...” Howard grinned sheepishly and Jason looked up. There it was. That spark of recognition, mixed up with love and longing this time but no less powerful. Those blue eyes focused sharply on Howard’s, bright and alive and piercing. Howard’s smile grew, his breath hitching slightly.
“Morning,” Jason replied at last, tilting his head to one side and smiling a soft, warm smile. For a moment the two of them paused, watching each other with matching smiles. They knew they were probably being spied on, but they couldn’t care less. Because somehow they’d created their own little world, suspended in that one moment, built upon their twin blue gazes.
“If I tell you my name do I get to call you Jay?” Howard asked at last, his eyes filled with tender mischief, as they so often were. Jason let out a gentle chuckle, putting down his book then arching an eyebrow in Howard’s direction.
“I don’t know, play your cards right and you might get to call me love, love,” he said.
“Ah, but you see, I’ve always been crap at cards,” Howard replied with a twinkling grin, making Jason laugh. he pushed himself off the counter and put his hands in his pockets before taking a few tentative steps towards Howard, his eyes still meeting his gaze.
“You seem to be crap at a lot of things, love,” he pointed out, narrowing his eyes teasingly. Howard folded his arms, licking his lips slightly and smiling as Jason narrowed the gap between them further. As they stood face to face Howard longed to reach out and touch him, but he knew he had some charming to do first. After all, that was what this was all about, wasn’t it? Jason’s high standards.
“You knew that when you married me,” Howard reminded him with a brief flash of his wedding ring, his voice suddenly husky and quiet. Jason shook his head, a sly smile on his face.
“No...no, I’m pretty sure you told me you were good at cards. That’s the only reason I married you really,” he teased, shrugging at Howard.
“I’m good at snap?” Howard suggested after a beat and Jason laughed, prodding him gently in the chest. Howard’s whole body felt the ripple of that one touch.
“Oh you are such a Prince Charming,” Jason smirked and Howard grinned back, shameless and positively proud of the tease. But he could still feel the aftershock of Jason’s touch all through his body and he was unable to resist reaching out any longer. Wordlessly he cupped Jason’s cheek with his hand and stroked his thumb fondly along his skin. Jason’s willpower wavered.
“And you are so beautiful,” Howard countered gently, no sarcasm to that statement that was for sure. Jason swallowed and looked up at Howard, his breath catching.
“So I guess you didn’t manage to just walk past then?”
“Guess not.”
“Maybe our instincts were right all along.”
“We should’ve known.”
“Maybe we did deep down.”
“Did I mention I love you?”
“Do you have any idea why I’m not just giving up and letting you kiss me right now?” Jason smiled.
“I think it has something to do with us both being stubborn bastards. And the fact that, even if you never really put me on the other side of the wall, certain protocols are still in place,” he suggested, his voice soft but playful. Jason’s smile broadened and he placed both his hands on Howard’s chest.
“Did you even try to not come in here?” Jason questioned after a pause.
“Impossible. You’re gravity,” Howard told him honestly, leaning their foreheads together.
“So are you,” Jason answered, tilting his head up just enough for Howard to capture his lips.
Their kiss was drawn out and slow, arms wrapping tightly around one another, Howard pulling Jason so close Jason’s feet almost left the floor. One of Howard’s hands pushed against Jason’s back and the other was buried in his hair, his eyes closed, his and Jason’s pulses both beating behind his eyelids. Jason let himself get tangled in Howard’s embrace, wrapping his arms around Howard’s neck, aching just to be this close to him again. They hardly wanted the kiss to end, and when it did, Howard proceeded to feather more light kisses against Jason’s skin, wrapping his arms even tighter around him and spinning him slowly. Jason smiled into the crook of Howard’s neck, enjoying the feeling of his broad shoulders and his strong arms. He didn’t want them to untangle but they did, slowly unfolding themselves from around each other, Howard silently tracing a hand down Jason’s arm, locking their little fingers together and then twisting their hands slightly until all their fingers were laced together. Eventually Howard took hold of his hand, bringing the back to his lips then tugging Jason towards the exit, looking at him with hopeful blue eyes. Jason smiled back at him knowingly and let himself be pulled, leaning his body against Howard’s arm and following him through the shop. They ignored the looks Mark and Gary gave them, exchanging kisses with each other, lost in their own little world.
“Home?” Howard asked Jason softly as they stepped out onto the pavement. Jason smiled up at him and nodded slowly, pressing a long kiss against Howard’s lips.
“Home,” he agreed, giving Howard’s hand another.
***
Howard and Jason lay together in silence, enjoying the feeling of skin on skin, each tuning in to the other’s breathing. The afternoon sun was beginning to wane, although it wasn’t that late, and sleepy sunlight crept across the bed towards them, dousing them in peaceful warmth. Howard was spread out across the sheets, Jason’s head resting on his stomach, one arm gently encircling Jason, the other resting on his chest. Jason was lying at an angle, his legs overhanging the bed slightly, and he drew circles on Howard’s bare chest. The rumpled duvet barely covered the two of them but they didn’t notice. Howard was too busy counting the colours in Jason’s eyes; they were all there, present and correct, just as he remembered them, dancing as Jason’s gaze caught the sunlight.
“Howard,” Jason murmured, still tracing absent-minded patterns on Howard’s skin. Howard watched him with a distant smile, his blue eyes a little unfocused, his mind a million miles away.
“Mm?” Howard replied, quiet and absent. Jason’s eyes flicked away from the patterns his fingers were tracing and instead came up to meet Howard’s gaze. He flashed him a small, soft smile.
“I love you,” he said quietly, lifting his head slightly. Howard returned his smile, holding the gaze for a moment. Jason saw the light shimmer through Howard’s eyes and he rested his head once more, going back to studying the lines he was tracing across Howard’s ribs. Neither one of them minded when the silence returned, there was something to be said for simply being together again.
Howard busied himself by picking out the shafts of gold that fell across the smile still gracing Jason’s lips, enjoying the shivers those fingertips could send through him, even with the lightest of touches. Occasionally Jason would catch his eyes and, for reasons neither one of them could really explain, every time their eyes connected their smiles would broaden a little and, every now and then, soft laughs would escape them. The intimacy of their silence was something Howard had missed, something he would never have forgiven himself for losing. This was his reward for being stubborn, this was his because he loved Jason in a way no one else ever could. He deserved this man.
“Do you think we should move?” Howard asked after a while and Jason lifted his head again. He flashed a smile that Howard could only call cheeky, looking up at him through his lashes, flecks of sunlight crossing the blue of his eyes. Howard playfully pulled a face at him and Jason broke the look, laughing and letting his head fall back down onto Howard’s stomach. Their eyes stayed connected though.
“You move,” he pouted quietly and Howard grinned.
“You’re lying on top of me,” he pointed out and Jason swatted him.
“Shut up,” he mumbled and Howard smiled fondly.
“Oh you are such an angel!” he teased, getting another soft thump in the side for his troubles, although there was a broad smile on Jason’s face. A small struggle ensued, with Jason and Howard both putting up the pretence of wrestling for control. Jason caved first, laughing brightly and falling down against Howard’s body, moving himself into the crook of his arm and pressing a kiss to Howard’s cheek before laying his head on his shoulder.
“I am so not getting paid for today,” he sighed after a moment and Howard laughed.
“Gaz isn’t that mean, surely,” he suggested and Jason rolled his eyes.
“I’ve been off a fortnight! To be honest I didn’t really need to be off all that time I just...I was avoiding their questions I guess. I was so close to not being able to keep my head above water that I just had to stay away so they wouldn’t see. That and...it was nice to have the excuse,” he sighed, once more resuming his pattern tracing.
“Glad to be of service,” Howard said and Jason elbowed him in the ribs.
“Oi you, thin ground, Donald,” he reminded and Howard’s heart almost stopped. Then he saw the look in Jason’s eyes and smiled.
“Mm, you weren’t saying that half an hour ago...” he began and Jason pursed his lips.
“You’re very persuasive – making this all your fault!” he protested, gesturing to their positions; all tangled up in each other and the sheets. Howard’s eyes twinkled mischievously.
“And you are such a nag!” he smiled. Jason pushed himself up slightly, looking into Howard’s face.
“Yeah, but I’m your nag,” he said softly. The corner of Howard’s lips twitched up and he dropped a quiet kiss onto Jason’s forehead.
“God, don’t we make quite the pair. You’re my nag and I’m your disaster,” he sighed and Jason smiled, kissing Howard on the nose and leaving their faces close.
“That may be true but...you want to know something that makes all that stuff alright?” he asked.
“That fact you’re wonderful?” Howard offered and Jason rolled his eyes, elbowing him yet again.
“Shut up, I’m serious!” he countered with a laugh.
“Go on then,” Howard told him, running his hand along Jason’s back.
“That fact that even through all the crap and the rubbish and the...” Jason paused.
“The avoidance?” Howard asked and Jason nodded, cupping Howard’s cheek in his hand.
“Even through all that...you know all the bits in between? We were still us,” he whispered.
“I still told you that you were beautiful about fifty times a day and you still tidied up after me,” Howard grinned back and Jason laughed, though he saw the understanding in Howard’s eyes.
“Basically,” he agreed, giving Howard another brief kiss before sinking back into the crook of his arm.
For a while they stayed that way, thinking it all over. Because it was true. In between Howard’s stupidity, not much had changed. They’d still shared those moments of banter. Those laughs. This same easy silence. Even when Jason had left, the moment they were back in each other’s presence again their dynamic had just clicked back into place, like they had never been apart. They came naturally to each other. That was why they were here now, why Howard wasn’t having to earn his way back into Jason’s bed with housework and more apologies. Howard smiled, glancing down at Jason, who was falling asleep in his arms. There was something inexplicably sexy about the way the corners of Jason’s lips turned up as his slept, the way his head turned instinctively into Howard’s side.
“Jay,” Howard whispered huskily and Jason shifted slightly.
“Mm?” he asked sleepily, letting out a long sigh. Howard smiled.
“I love you too,” he said and Jason opened one eye, smiling back at him. He silently leant up to press a kiss to Howard’s cheek before falling back against his shoulder and drifting once more towards sleep, Howard watching him fondly the whole time.
***
It didn’t take months or even weeks for things to go back to normal. It took seconds. When Howard had woken later that day, he had found that Jason had escaped from his grasp and it had taken very little to work out where he was instead; cooking, or at least attempting to. ‘What have you been eating all this time?!’ he had demanded of Howard when he had appeared in the kitchen – he hadn’t even needed to turn around to know that Howard was there and that had made Howard smile. ‘Here’s a list – unless you want to starve tonight!’ had been the next words from his lips. The ‘I missed you’ stage was over, the time to build bridges long gone. Not that the bridges had ever really disappeared, there’d been road blocks maybe, but still. It didn’t matter either way now, the road blocks were lifted and life could now proceed. ‘And for God’s sake pick up that poor daughter of yours!’ Jason had called at Howard’s departing back.
They had spent most of that first night bickering. Ceaselessly. Grace had watched them with bewilderment but they’d hardly noticed. Jason had chided Howard and Howard had criticised Jason and Jason had bossed Howard around and Howard had refused to let Jason watch what he wanted on the TV...they had picked right back up where they had left off. There was no animosity in the squabbling. And, if you caught them at the right moments, you could see their glittering eyes betraying them. They just loved the fun of it. And whilst Jason tidied up and moaned, Howard watched him rather than the telly. And whilst Howard lambasted him, Jason curled up in the crook of his arm, sulking slightly at Howard’s programme choices whilst intertwining their fingers. Howard loved the normality of it all.
A few days later they had a row over Howard buying himself a new laptop. The next week they’d had Sunday lunch with Howard’s family. The weekends they went out with Mark and Gary and the four of them would banter like March had never happened. It was life, so, granted, it got a bit messy sometimes. But that was sort of how Howard liked it. And at the end of it, however long the day, late the gig, ratty the argument or strong the alcohol, Howard still got to climb into bed beside Jason. And Jason would still turn towards him, even in his sleep. Before Howard knew it, April was halfway gone and, somewhere amidst the normality of it all Jason had reminded him they had to plan something for their anniversary. It had surprised Howard somewhat. It wasn’t that he hadn’t remembered. Granted he was forgetful at the best of times, but he wasn’t stupid, he wouldn’t forget that date. It had just snuck up on him a bit, that was all. His life had been on pause without Jason in it, he’d just presumed the rest of the world would have waited for him.
In the end, the day had fallen into place mostly of its own accord. Crystal had called, partly to check up on Howard but largely to let him know she was going to be visiting. She had suggested going to dinner with them, so she could celebrate the day with them. To even things up Jason had invited Justin along and by that stage the meal had become somewhat official and Mark and Gary could not be snubbed – who leaves their best mates out of something official? But, as much as Howard was looking forward to the meal, it was his and Jason’s personal plans that really got him smiling to himself as he got ready that evening. Because Howard knew it was the perfect way for them to mark the occasion together. In private. Away from all else but each other. The way both of them most needed to be.
With another small smile to himself, Howard left the bedroom, pulling his shirt on as he went but not bothering to button it up just yet. He could only keep himself smart for a small window of time and there was no point wasting that time around a man who seemed to much prefer him when he didn’t wear his shirt.
Jason was stood waiting for him in the kitchen, leaning on the breakfast bar and staring across at the large windows on the other side of the lounge; Howard couldn’t be sure if he was watching the city outside or checking for smudges on the glass. However, Jason’s gaze shifted instantly as he noticed Howard’s arrival and he smiled a mischievous little smile before standing up and folding his arms, arching one eyebrow approvingly.
“Well would you look at the state of you – you scrub up well, Donald,” he said softly, tilting his head to one side. Howard held his gaze a moment, smiling a distant smile of his own.
“You know, you’re beautiful when you do that,” he murmured back.
“When I do what exactly?” Jason asked him with a small frown, coming over to stand in front of Howard, briefly pressing his hands to Howard’s chest, which was still slightly damp from the shower.
“When you look at me,” Howard admitted shyly and Jason smiled up at him reassuringly.
“Oh, love,” he whispered, his fingers delicate as they moved to button up his shirt, slow and gentle.
“Seriously; stunning,” Howard reiterated the sentiment with a slow grin, resting a hand on Jason’s neck and pressing a long kiss to his lips. Jason’s lips were smiling against his own and Howard was more than ready to cancel the evening then and there and not let Jason out of his arms.
“You do know we’ve come through worse, How,” Jason told him gently, pulling back ever-so-slightly, leaning back in Howard’s embrace. Howard smiled, feeling Jason’s fingers closing around the fabric of his shirt, his knuckles brushing against his skin.
“I know I just...it felt like a moment to be appreciated so...that’s what I did,” he replied with a small shrug. Jason reached up a hand to his cheek, stroking Howard’s skin with his thumb.
“We’ll be alright, Howard, no matter what. Everyone screws up sometimes, you know. And everyone gets scared they’re going to screw up. But at the end of it you were still there before I actually broke down, and that’s all that really matters. You were there in time...and, in a lot of ways, I’d never really let you get that far away,” he smiled and Howard chuckled warmly, both his hands now resting gently on Jason’s neck.
“Why do you always have to know exactly what to say?” he asked, kissing Jason’s forehead.
“Maybe I’m just amazing?” Jason suggested and Howard bent his head slightly to kiss Jason’s cheek.
“Mm, now that I can believe,” he said, then he placed yet more kisses against Jason’s skin, tilting his head enough to kiss Jason’s neck, smiling at the sound of Jason’s warm laugh.
“Oh can you now?” he asked, leaning back in Howard’s arms and raising his eyebrows. Howard simply beamed at him, eyes aglow.
“You know, I don’t think I’ve told you quite enough that I love you,” he said gently and Jason’s own smile broadened as he leant across to whisper in Howard’s ear.
“Oh you’ve said it plenty enough. And I hope you know; I love you too,” he breathed and with that he pulled Howard down to meet his lips, bringing them together in an overwhelming kiss, all tangled arms and slow smiles and hardly any breaths.
Howard wished the kiss could last longer, wanted more than ever to just blow off the world and curl up on the sofa with Jason. But he knew that he shouldn’t do that, and there were some plans that were too important to dismiss. Reluctantly he pulled himself back and he couldn’t help but smile at the way that Jason briefly followed him, his eyes still closed, trying to reunite their lips. Howard stroked his cheek and Jason slowly opened his eyes.
“We’re going to be late,” Howard told him quietly.
“That’s my line,” Jason grinned.
“I’m stealing it,” Howard chuckled and Jason pulled a face, his fingers falling back to Howard’s chest, playing with the buttons of his shirt.
“Can’t you just steal me instead?” he sighed. Howard laughed and kissed his temple.
“Tempting,” he conceded and Jason looked up at him with those startling blue eyes.
“But...we have plans, don’t we,” he smiled and Howard nodded.
“I believe so. So...you coming?” Howard asked, offering a hand to Jason. Jason laughed softly and took the hand, giving it a small squeeze.
“I’ll go where you take me, Howard Donald,” he said and, after pressing one more kiss to Jason’s forehead, Howard nodded and tugged Jason gently towards the door.
***
“Alright, hands by your sides, eyes forwards!” Gary called across at his friends with a teasing grin and a small wave, putting a gentle hand on the small of Mark’s back to hurry him along as they finally came to stand in front of Jason and Howard on the pavement. Jason turned slowly from Howard’s embrace, smiling warmly and laughing as Mark suddenly threw himself into his arms.
“Hey Gaz,” Howard nodded as Mark continued to squeeze Jason tightly.
“Oh you have no idea how nice it is to see you two back together,” Mark enthused into Jason’s shoulder and Jason quirked his eyebrows.
“Ok, it has been several weeks now, Markie...” he pointed out, giving his friend a tentative pat on the back. Mark simply squeezed him even more.
“You know what he’s like with special occasions, Jay,” Gary reminded him as Mark finally pulled back before promptly launching on Howard.
As Jason smoothed out his jacket, Mark took a step back to take in his two friends. Jason was dressed as smartly as ever – a beautiful tailored jacket that fitted to his form, rich dark blue lining and a simple white shirt beneath, unbuttoned to his chest.
“Christ, look at you Jay! I’d marry you if you weren’t taken!” he nodded approvingly and Jason rolled his eyes, silently taking Howard’s hand in his and giving it a squeeze. Mark then glanced at Howard, who was also wearing a smart jacket, though admittedly it was neither tailored nor lined, paired with a black shirt and a dark blue silk scarf. Mark smiled at the dark blue theme, suddenly remembering the anniversary gift he and Gary had managed to come up with and feeling very smug.
“You’ll get your present later – Mark and me decided we had to offer something better than a card, just this once,” Gary assured Jason and Howard, as if reading Mark’s mind.
“You didn’t have to Gaz,” Jason said gently and Gary shook his head.
“Oh really, so tell me Jay, have you not got our anniversary card already stashed away somewhere in that apartment of yours?” he asked and Jason pursed his lips, suppressing a grin.
“To be honest Gaz, he’s probably got several years’ worth of birthdays, anniversaries and Christmases stashed away somewhere in the apartment...not that he’ll tell me where,” Howard grinned and Jason elbowed him gently.
“Why would I take a risk like that?! Anyway, are we going to stand out here all night or shall we actually go inside the restaurant? Knowing my brother he won’t be here until about a half hour after we asked him to,” he sighed and Howard nodded.
“Yeah, and to be honest with you, it’ll be a miracle if Crystal actually remembers which restaurant we’re meeting at,” he conceded and Jason narrowed his eyes at him as the four of them moved to go inside.
“Why are your friends always so scatter-brained?” he questioned and Howard laughed.
“Why are your family always so haphazard about everything?” he countered.
“To be fair, there are a lot of us...and I stole all the organised genes...” Jason said after a beat and Howard grinned at him, lifting the back of his hand to his lips for a kiss. Gary let out a small sigh.
“I can see where tonight is going,” he lamented weakly and Mark gave him a kiss of his own for consolation before turning to the approaching waitress and giving her the details of their reservation.
***
As the waiters disappeared with the demolished main courses, Howard leant forwards, resting his arms on the table so that his right arm brushed against his husband’s left arm. Jason turned away from his discussion with his brother instantly, twisting his head round so that he could look Howard in the eye. His smile grew slightly and his eyes glimmered as he rested his chin in his hand, turning in his seat so that Howard now had his complete attention.
“Evening,” he whispered softly, pursing his lips a little, his eyes still bright. Howard mirrored his position, his own eyes dancing as he returned Jason’s smile.
“Evening,” he replied. For the briefest of moments the two of them scanned each other’s faces before Howard finally made the first move, leaning across to bring their lips together into a short, chaste kiss. Jason smiled against the kiss, reaching one hand across to rest on Howard’s neck.
“So, how are you doing?” he asked, tilting his head slightly. Howard pulled a face.
“Missing you,” he answered and Jason laughed.
“I’m right here!” he pointed out softly.
“Yeah but I hate these group things...when can I get you all to myself?”Howard whined back and Jason shook his head fondly.
“Patience is a virtue, love,” he promised but Howard simply pulled him back for another brief kiss.
Gary glanced away from his own conversation just as Howard pulled Jason to him and he couldn’t help but sigh, shaking his head a little.
“Alright you two, enough! There are people at this table other than you two and we’re starting to feel uncomfortable!” he smirked and Jason and Howard reluctantly parted, turning to face him.
“Gaz! Don’t be mean, it is their anniversary after all! He’s so stuffy!” Mark proclaimed, turning to Crystal in appeal. Crystal giggled her sparkling giggle and then threw a playful wink in Howard’s direction. Howard smiled a little bashfully and Jason reached his hand across, giving Howard’s hand a squeeze across the table.
“I’m not being mean...it’s just...I don’t know...I don’t think of my friends in that way! It’s a little window into a side of them I am not meant to know,” Gary squirmed in his seat slightly.
“Yeah, I’m going to side with Gary on this one. Sorry Jay, you know I love you, but I do not need to see that while I’m eating,” Justin put in and Jason gave him a playful smack around his head, his other hand not leaving Howard’s even as he leant across. Mark ignored the exchange, his eyes still narrowed at Gary, his arms folded and a single strand of hair falling out of its perfect styling and across his forehead.
“But come on Gaz, be honest now, you must’ve fancied Jay at some point! I mean...how long have you two even known each other?! Forever or something, right?! Are you trying to tell me you have never once fancied Jay in all that time? You must have done! Even I’ve fancied Jay,” Mark said firmly and Gary and Jason simultaneously choked on their wine. Howard chuckled, giving the back of Jason’s hand a small kiss and exchanging an amused glance with Crystal.
“This is definitely news to me,” Jason stated, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. Mark, however, seemed unfazed and he simply smiled brightly at Jason and shrugged before turning to his right to tell the story to Crystal whilst Gary frowned and Justin concentrated on ordering himself another drink – he figured he was going to need it.
“I might have my head in the clouds but come on, give me some credit – I do have taste. Ok, so I was a bit down on my luck when I first saw you, but my vision wasn’t impaired. I was busking on Oldham Street coz...well, I grew up in Oldham, so I figured the namesake might be a good omen, you know? And it turned out I was right! Anyway, I was stood right in the middle of Jay’s path between his car and the shop. I don’t know where Gaz was that first week of my busking career but when he did I felt sure I was in heaven! I mean, please, Jay is gorgeous. And he’d always say hi to me. I mean, I put all that sort of thing out of my mind when we became mates...well, maybe not entirely out of my mind in Gaz’s case but still. I can’t believe anyone is actually surprised by this. Everyone fancies Jay!” Mark explained casually. Jason turned his eyes skywards with discomfort but he smiled affectionately at Mark all the same.
“I fancied Jay. I still do. I’m with Mark on this one – everyone fancies Jay!” Crystal grinned, her cheeks sparkling from her glittery make-up, her eyes dancing from her natural mischief.
“See, told you so,” Mark nodded certainly, glancing around the rest of the table. Howard pouted.
“Oh so everyone fancies Jay but no one fancies me?!” he asked with gentle jest. Jason frowned.
“Excuse me, I’m pretty sure you know I fancy you! Anyway, what am I in this conversation – invisible?!” he sighed, though he still looked across at his husband with a small smile. Crystal put her hand on Howard’s shoulder, giving it a small squeeze.
“Howard, sweetie, you have no room to talk! You are more under that man’s spell than any one of us will ever be! Ok everyone; get this for how smitten he is! He had a gig in Berlin like...the week he met Jason...or maybe the week after. Either way, Milton and me went to meet him and we practically had to wear shades to look at him. I wouldn’t say he was already in love but...I would say he had most definitely got Jason Orange on the brain. But! If it makes you feel any better? I fancied you a little bit...when we first met. But it would have never worked between us, you really need to accept that!” she teased and Howard looked down at his lap with a shy blush – trust Crystal to share the extent of Jason’s instant effect on him with everyone.
“See Gaz, everyone has fancied – or still does fancy – Jason Orange. It’s a fact of life. You know like; the Earth turns round, the tide goes in and out, water boils at one hundred degrees Celsius and Jason Orange flirts without trying to,” Mark told Gary, giving him a small prod.
“Excuse me, can I please be exempt from this? I have not ever – and will not ever – fancy my twin brother. And I want out of this discussion now!!” Justin complained, screwing up his face.
“I don’t fancy your twin brother either!! And I don’t flirt...I charm...” Jason pouted and Howard laughed, giving his husband a kiss on the cheek.
“Oh love, you fancy yourself more than any of the rest of us,” he teased and Jason glared up at him playfully, leaning in very close to Howard’s lips but refusing to give him the kiss he wanted.
“You have no room to talk, smitten one,” he breathed softly before leaning back in his seat as Howard let out a small whimper of protest at having a kiss be so narrowly missed out on.
“Come on Gaz, help me out here, can we non-smitten ones please stick together here and back out of this conversation?” Justin pleaded and Jason chuckled, giving his brother a sympathetic smile. Then everyone noticed Gary had suddenly become very awkward. Mark gasped.
“Oh my God! You did fancy Jay didn’t you!! I knew it!!” he exclaimed, his eyes excited and wide.
“This is getting way too weird – I am still sat here you know!!” Jason groaned, closing his eyes and resting his forehead on Howard’s shoulder.
“Aw, I’m still paying attention to you love,” Howard assured him. Justin sighed in exasperation.
“Come on Barlow, spill!” Mark grinned and Gary pulled a face.
“Look, it was only for about ten seconds! We were in a rehearsal space, for the band thing, you know...but I was young. And, as we’ve already established, Jay is good looking...and a very good dancer...” Gary acknowledged, looking more uncomfortable by the second. Fortunately for him, Mark found his awkwardness adorable and gave him a firm and affectionate hug.
“And now everyone’s at it! Crystal, could you come over here and kiss me please? Just so I feel slightly less left out of this couples’ night!” Justin frowned.
“Oi, you have a wife. It’s not my fault she’s working tonight,” Jason reminded him.
As the twins sulked playfully with each other, Mark had an idea and he reluctantly relinquished his hold of Gary to scoop up his glass.
“Ok, ok, fine –I have a suggestion; let’s play the toast game!” he announced.
“The toast game? Is this loners and twin brothers friendly?” Justin questioned with suspicion.
“The toast game is something we do in the shop on people’s birthdays. And it’s not really a game, that’s just Mark overselling it,” Jason shrugged.
“You each have to toast to one thing – but it can’t be soppy, sentimental or emotional. And has to be linked, in some way, to the occasion being celebrated,” Howard elaborated for his husband.
“Jay’s right, i’s not much of a game really...although I sometimes liven things up by singing my contribution,” Gary added. Crystal beamed, clapping in approval.
“Oo, I’m so up for this! I’ll go first. Let me think...ok! To Tommy The Dane! For letting Howard avert disaster...well, for a little while...and for putting me in a taxi that night despite me calling him Tommy, ensuring that I could be here tonight instead of in a Danish gutter somewhere!” she offered, raising her glass and quirking her eyebrows at the others in expectation.
“I’m not even going to ask,” Jason deadpanned to Howard before dutifully raising his glass. Howard and Crystal exchanged a laugh and then Howard too raised his glass. The rest of the table quickly followed and, with a nod from Mark, they chinked their glasses together.
“To Tommy The Dane!” they said in unison.
“Wherever he may be now...” Crystal sighed wistfully before taking a sip of her drink.
“Me next!” Mark put in, shifting eagerly in his seat.
“Now this I want to hear,” Gary chuckled and Mark stuck his tongue out at him. Gary’s blue eyes twinkled and he put his hands up on mock surrender.
“Sorry, sorry. Never offend the man who (occasionally) makes you tea in the morning,” he said as an aside to no one in particular. Howard let out a curt laugh.
“Tell me about it,” he muttered.
“Love, you are hardly skin and bones for the whole ordeal are you!” Jason teased under his breath and Howard pressed a kiss to his temple.
“Eh, pay attention to me!” Mark protested and everyone laughed at him affectionately.
“I always do,” Gary said softly, forcing Mark to smile.
“I propose a toast to my husband – for having such a big heart that he will let someone work any hours under the sun, as long as they know how to use the new till and put up with his unnatural attachment to his pianos. Coz let’s face it, Jay, since Howard came along, your perfect attendance record has been shot to hell and Gaz hasn’t batted an eyelid!” Mark said brightly, raising his glass.
“Howard, you have ruined me! Thank God I can work that till or I’d be out of a job by now. And I will toast to that,” Jason laughed, also raising his glass and looking at Howard pointedly until he raised his glass too. Crystal and Justin both nodded and raised their glasses too and, with a great show of thinking it over, Gary smiled and chinked his glass against the other five.
“To Mark’s husband!” they said as one and Gary nodded approvingly.
“To me! I think we can probably stop the toasts there you know,” he joked and Mark gave him a kiss.
“You are such a lump...but I’m counting that as your toast,” he commented before shifting his attention to Justin.
“What? Me? Oh...ok...well, bugger...come on, you all know Jay is the brains of this double act!” Justin sighed and Jason rolled his eyes.
“I’m the brains and the beauty and the brawn – come on, pull ya weight, Justin. Can it really be all that hard for you to actually be happy that me and Howard are back together?” he asked and Justin grinned, shrugging and leaning back in his chair.
“Funny you should ask but...yes. And not because I can’t make any more threatening phone calls...although that was fun. But seriously, I’m losing a live-in chef and cleaner here!” he remarked and Howard laughed.
“Oh the advantages to loving you,” he smiled, leaning his forehead to Jason’s temple.
“I feel used,” Jason sighed and Howard gave him an apologetic kiss.
“Alright, alright! I’ll toast as long as it prevents another descent into public displays of affection! I’m gonna toast to...to threatening voicemails that have no affect on people. Howard did beat me to the number one spot on my brother’s priority list and shouting at him was fun, but, even when I shouted at him down a phone line for several weeks, he gave me a taste of my own cold shoulder and ignored me. A stupid move from my point of view but...Jay seemed to approve...actually I seem to remember him saying something about me stopping leaving those threatening messages but oh well! To utterly ignored voicemail threats!” Justin suggested and Jason shook his head despairingly.
“I’m gonna bang your two heads together one of these days, you know that?!” he sighed, looking between Howard and Justin and then rolling his eyes. He took up his glass with his free arm – his other arm still wrapped around Howard’s – and raised his glass to agree to the toast.
“To utterly ignored voicemail threats!” the group agreed with a chink of glasses and Howard smiled.
Silence fell as all eyes came to rest on the couple for whom they were here. Their chairs were pulled close together, their arms in a complicated tangle across the table, their heads dipped towards each other and their smiles shy. They could feel the looks and they didn’t quite know how to abate them.
“We toasted, now you share,” Gary said softly, keen to hear his best friend’s verdict on everything that had happened. He hadn’t had chance to talk to Jason properly since he and Howard had got back together and he needed to know that he was alright, needed to be sure he was doing his upmost, as Jason’s best friend, to look after him.
“Ok so...seriously...” Jason spoke gently and slowly and he avoided eye contact with anyone at the table except Howard, who kept a tender and protective watch over him.
“Jay...” Howard began to step in but Jason flashed him a sidelong smile before looking up at the others around him, revealing the calm look in his eyes to his concerned friends.
“It’s all ok. I mean it. So you can all stop looking at me like I might break at any moment. I know I married an idiot, ok? But he knows things. And he’s stubborn enough to not actually back off as far as I tell him to. And coz of that, it’s all ok...we’re ok,” Jason said and Gary smiled at him.
“All I needed to hear mate,” he replied and Mark nodded enthusiastically.
“Me too. Now come on people – let’s order dessert!” he beamed and Jason laughed at him.
“Now that I will toast to!” he grinned, casting another smile at his husband as he squeezed his hand once more as the others squabbled over what to order for dessert.
***
It had been raining, and the tarmac outside was damp, reflecting the orange glow of the street lights as the stillness of an English night echoed across the quiet streets. To Gary it sounded like a slow meander of piano cords and he couldn’t help but feel a shiver down his spine as his songwriter’s mind laced flutes and cracked vocals out into the night. But he let Mark’s hand loosely holding onto his own be his anchor to the real world and just about managed to keep pace with Mark’s footsteps instead of losing himself in his reverie. There was a scrunch of shoes on the tarmac as Mark twisted to look for Jason and Howard and before Gary knew what was happening the peace was broken by a firm tug on his arm. Mark called out after Howard and Jason, hurrying across the street towards them and pulling Gary with him.
“Jay, Howard! Wait up!” Mark’s voice cut through the night with a gentle warmth. Jason turned his head a little. His arm was linked through Howard’s as they walked back towards the car together, Howard’s jacket around his shoulders for extra warmth. With a small tilt of his head Howard turned around, reluctantly breaking his and Jason’s linked arms.
“We thought we’d shaken you pair,” he sighed good naturedly and Jason smiled.
“You know we actually have somewhere we need to be,” he put in, though his eyes were no less warm. Gary simply smiled at his friends before exchanging a knowing glance with Mark.
“Yeah, we figured as much. But we wanted to give you this first,” Mark replied, nodding his head towards a gift bag that Gary held out towards Jason. Jason’s brow knitted and he scrutinized Gary’s face, trying to judge what he was up to. Gary just chuckled.
“Go on, take it,” he prodded gently and Jason obliged, taking the gift bag into his hands and peering inside. A smile slowly spread across his face and he let out a small laugh, shaking his head in amusement and disbelief, slowly looking up at Gary and Mark once more and handing the bag over to his husband, who also peered inside and grinned. Two matching buttonholes of blue roses and baby’s breath.
“Do I even want to know how you...?” Jason began and Mark shrugged.
“Let’s just say Gaz is really smart and a really good friend and...well, I’m really cunning and have a really good eye for details,” he told Jason and Jason nodded slowly.
“Thank you, both of you. For everything I mean – I couldn’t wish for better mates,” he smiled.
“I second that...it takes a really nice guy to warn someone that they’re going to be giving them the cold shoulder,” Howard agreed with a smirk and Gary laughed.
“Yeah well, I’m a great believer in happy endings, I figured I should go easy on you just in case I’d be standing in the middle of a street giving you an anniversary gift a few weeks later,” he said.
“He makes it sound so fairy tale when he puts it like that, but seriously, I think it’s just physics...or chemistry or...some sort of science. You and you are just...cosmically matched,” Mark added with a tilt of his head and a twinkly smile. Jason chuckled.
“Mm, that famous cosmic science,” he teased and Mark pouted at him.
“Shut up you, you went to college, I didn’t. You clever, me pretty,” he huffed and Howard frowned.
“Um...him clever and pretty...” he corrected and Jason rolled his eyes.
“What do you think Gaz, should we ever have let this pair into our lives?” he joked and Gary smiled.
“Oh I don’t know, they’ve certainly brought their fair share of adventures with ‘em,” he mused.
“Cosmic science it is then,” Jason said softly, winking at Howard and smiling back at Mark.
“Anyway, I thought you two had somewhere to be!” Mark exclaimed suddenly, putting his hands on his hips and drawing himself up to his full height, which was still extremely small when he was stood next to Howard and Jason’s tall, muscular frames.
With quiet goodbyes and a brief discussion of who would take what shift at the shop, Howard and Jason were gone and Mark and Gary stood a moment to watch them disappear down the street. Mark leant his head on Gary’s shoulder.
“Jay is never going to top that gift,” Gary remarked absentmindedly and Mark laughed.
“You want a bet on that? You know what he’s like with presents! Anyway, it doesn’t matter either way, they still get the last laugh,” he assured Gary, still staring off down the street though Howard and Jason were long gone.
“Oh? Why’s that then?” Gary frowned.
“Coz we are never going to top the romance of their gift to each other,” Mark sighed and Gary smiled, nodding slowly and snaking his arm softly around Mark’s slim waist.
“Oh I don’t know...I daresay we could make our own romance,” he suggested in a low voice. Mark arched an eyebrow, looking at Gary out of the corner of his eye, a mischievous smile on his lips.
“Why Mr.Barlow! What on earth are you suggesting?!” he grinned and Gary pursed his lips.
“That it’s time I took a break from being a Good Northern Lad,” he replied and Mark laughed brightly as Gary whisked him off down the street, pressing soft kisses into the crook of his neck and squeezing him close as the scuffle of their shoes on the wet tarmac echoed into the cool April air.
***
The room was lit entirely by softly flickering candles, glowing yellow and amber. The room was only small but its space felt vast somehow. Howard and Jason didn’t object to the emptiness of the room, they revelled in it. It had been their intention all along. Symbolic of the fact that there was no one else allowed to know Jason’s fragility, no one else capable of bringing out Howard’s strength. No one else but them to whom their promises really needed to be made. Silently Jason smoothed the dark blue silk of Howard’s scarf and Howard smiled a twinkling smile at him. They still wore their smart jackets, although now they were adorned with buttonholes of blue roses and baby’s breath. A rotund gentleman with a round face, rosy cheeks, small, glittering green eyes and wispy grey hair was the man in charge and it was with a broad smile that he invited them to join hands as he began his speech.
“It is only upon reflection that we understand the true values of the experiences we share with the important people in our lives. We share happiness and dreams, sadness and struggles. And above all, we make promises. It is to those we love that we make the greatest promises in life and yet, often, it is the promises to those we love that we take for granted. We are here today to remember the promises that the two of you have made to each other and to renew them and imbue them with fresh strength and understanding gained from two years at each other’s side, as each other’s certainty in a world of constant change. First, I invite you, Jason Thomas Orange, to once again promise your all to this man as he promises it to you and promise to love, honour and protect him for as long as you both shall live,” he murmured into the quiet. Jason smiled softly.
“I promise that Howard Paul Donald is the only one allowed to know all of me, who will ever bring out all of me. And I will love, honour and protect him in every way I can, for the rest of our lives.”
“And do you, Howard Paul Donald, once again promise your all to Jason, as he has promised it to you, and promise to love, honour and protect him for as long as you both shall live?”
“I promise that Jason Thomas Orange can always have me, to know him, to be there for him, and that, no matter what, I will never change the way I see him. And I will love, honour and protect him. Always.”
It was too late – or perhaps too early – when Howard finally tumbled into the peace of their home, disorientated and dishevelled, looking for all the world like a ship that had got itself wrecked in calm waters. Should any outsider have been looking in, they could have been forgiven for thinking that Howard had somehow stumbled through the wrong door, landing in a neighbour’s apartment and not his own, for he did look so out of place amidst the warmth and order of the room. The dishwasher hummed to itself from the kitchen but almost everything else lay still and silent. The kitchen sparkled softly in the semi-darkness whilst the living room was lit only by a dim lamp which sat on the desk by the window. That and the city lights which shone outside. Howard timidly scanned the living room; the television was silenced and the sofa empty but for its plumped cushions. And then finally he saw the sight he had half-dreaded and half-hoped for. Jason was curled up in the small armchair in the corner, a book in his lap, though Howard somehow doubted much of it had been read. There was an empty wine glass on the coffee table and for some reason that sent a chill through Howard. Jason rarely drank alone.
Howard himself stood just inside the door, wavering slightly on his feet, his hair more tangled than tousled, his jacket hanging off him at odd angles and a lack of focus to his eyes. He swayed and Jason’s eyes slowly came up to look at him; bright and alert as ever. Another wave of something – shame maybe? – came over Howard and his swallowed awkwardly, finding the taste horrible and wrinkling his nose. Jason closed his book softly, resting his hand on top of it and fixing Howard with his quiet gaze, letting out a small sigh as he tilted his head to one side.
“Well you must have had quite the night. Do you remember much of it?” he asked in a voice so gentle it terrified Howard. He swayed slightly once more but Jason’s stare remained unbroken. He saw everything and somewhere in the fog of his brain Howard realised it was just one of the many things he loved about this man. There was a muddled ache of guilt and affection somewhere in his heart but he hadn’t the conscious mind or the strength to piece it together and rescue this situation.
“Um...” was the only sound that escaped Howard’s lips and Jason simply nodded, expecting as much but not enjoying being proved right this time. He pushed himself up from the chair, leaving his book on the coffee table and collecting his wine glass. Silently he moved towards the sink and instinctively Howard followed him, standing awkwardly in the middle of the kitchen as Jason washed out the glass. The air didn’t crackle with tension, but it was far from the easy silence they usually enjoyed.
“Aren’t you slightly too young to be having a mid-life crisis?” Jason remarked sharply, turning to look at Howard again. Howard scrunched up his face.
“That’s not it, Jay,” he managed to mumble and Jason nodded slowly, looking at the floor with a hint of sadness. Howard felt bad but he was so tired, he didn’t want to do this now, he wanted his bed. Jason folded his arms and looked up into his eyes again. Howard looked away.
“No. And yet here we are...” he murmured. Howard could feel his stare on him, seeing right through him, forcing him to look into those eyes once more. Those bright blue eyes which glittered dimly with a mixture of tears and honest, earnest, love.
“What are you doing up anyway?” Howard asked defensively. A whisper of a smile touched Jason’s lips.
“Loving you,” he replied simply and without another word Jason pressed a kiss to Howard’s cheek before stepping around him and making his way down the corridor. Howard barely noticed the distant thud of the bedroom door closing him out. All he noticed was that voice at the back of his head. The one that told him the moment had come. He’d screwed it up. Just like all the others.
Chapter One
Two months earlier...
Howard stretched out on the small orange sofa as best he could and cast a smile in the direction of its owner, Crystal, who merely shrugged. He loved his friends, he really did, but he lamented their taste in sofas. Jason wouldn’t put up with this modern, trendy, comfort-irrelevant monstrosity, that much he knew. Style, perhaps, but never over comfort. Howard knew, however, that this sort of furniture was a hazard of the job. His husband on the other hand? Well he was a different matter entirely. Unique was the best word, he concluded with silent gratitude.
He tried to rub out the crick in his neck from sleeping on Crystal’s sofa but to no avail, he supposed he should be used to it by now, it happened every time he came to Berlin. Crystal had known Howard since the very beginnings of his career as a DJ. She had attempted to teach him German – but the woman only had so much patience. She always offered up her sofa – Howard never told her how uncomfortable it was and she pretended she didn’t realise just to ensure she kept his company. And one of the things Howard liked most about Crystal? She made him laugh. She was playful and just a little crazy and everything about her screamed fun, from her apartment to her fingernails. He was almost tempted to label her ‘kooky’ or ‘quirky’ but they sounded to him more like thinly veiled insults so he tried never to use them.
“Morning lazy-bones,” Crystal grinned mischievously, the barest whisper of her German accent showing through her perfect English, making his broken German seem something beyond embarrassing. With a sheepish grin he shuffled the small space towards her kitchen. Her flat was the size of a postage stamp but she never complained and Howard was too well-behaved to ever mention it. She loved having him to stay so he simply tried to make himself more compact.
“Be fair, I was out ‘til...” he squinted at the clock on the wall, closing one eye and then the other in an attempt to clear his vision of sleep. Crystal laughed.
“You were only out ‘til three. And I was with you! Besides, it’s nearly midday now,” she teased, handing him a mug of coffee. Howard pulled a face but thanked her for the coffee with an impish wink.
“Yeah, well, Manchester is an hour behind,” he protested after a sip. Crystal sighed overdramatically.
“I thought England was the country, when did Manchester get independence exactly?” she questioned, tapping a glittery fingernail to her lips in a show of deep contemplation.
“You are an evil little pixie,” Howard huffed playfully.
“Oh please – if Jason asked, the Queen would give him the city and declare Manchester a country. Like that,” Crystal enthused, clicking her fingers for emphasis. Howard couldn’t help but chuckle. Crystal made no secret of the fact she fancied Jason. They had only met in person once – at the wedding, as it happened – but she’d heard and seen more than enough. She had admitted to being a little bit in love and so Jason had, for his part, promised her that the day Howard left him he’d be on the first plane to Berlin.
“Jay is beautiful, but I’m not sure he’s Her Majesty’s type,” Howard remarked and Crystal gasped in outrage. Howard was fairly certain the outrage wasn’t feigned.
“Well if she won’t have ‘im...” she pouted softly, nibbling on a biscuit and Howard chuckled.
“I’ll rephrase; I’m not sure she’s his type,” he grinned and he saw a glint in Crystal’s eye.
“Oh come on, How, he flirts with everyone!” she pointed out and Howard couldn’t deny it.
“What is your hang-up with my husband?!” he asked her after a beat and she rolled her bright green eyes with great exaggeration.
“I’m not even answering that question! Come on, drink your coffee – we have to get you to the airport soon remember. Fly you back to Heaven’s Arms...and eyes...and torso!!” she lamented before breezing out of the kitchen, leaving Howard to his laughter.
***
Grace and Izzy sat huddled together in the corner of the school canteen, covertly smuggling Grace’s Haribo into their mouths without anyone seeing. It never ceased to amaze Grace the power that sugar had over her high school and the last thing she wanted was some sort of Haribo riot which, she knew, would result in only one thing; her getting no sweets. With a brief glance at Izzy she could sense more questions coming and she wondered if she preferred interrogation to no sweets. She supposed she did, though the way Izzy was going on she might have to change her mind.
Izzy had been questioning her for weeks now, wanting to know every detail of Grace’s new life. So much had changed since summer that Grace found she was barely able to process the new world in which she lived for herself, never mind relay the details to Izzy. It had all started with her mum’s promotion, just weeks before the new school year started. The promotion was well-earned, of course. But still, there had been a certain feeling of not wanting it. Mostly because it messed up everything. If her mum took the job it meant a move to London. And a move to London meant a new school for Grace. Unless...unless...well, Grace had to admit the ‘unless’ option had been something she’d been secretly toying with for some time. Unless she lived with her dad and Jason. It wouldn’t be so hard for her mum. After all, she was working during the week, weekends and holidays were much better for her. But Grace hadn’t been quite sure how someone aged twelve could suggest something like this to her parents and be taken seriously. That was when Jason had stepped in. Grace had had to hold back her giggles as she had listened to him use every ounce of tact one human being can possess in directing her parents towards the idea with such skill that by the time the move happened – not until the end of the Christmas holidays, admittedly – they were half convinced they’d come up with the plan themselves. Now it was halfway into January and Grace would still find herself surprised to be waking up in Jason and Howard’s apartment, being packed off to school on the back of banter and home-cooked breakfast. Izzy kept assuring her the honeymoon period would end. Grace thought no such thing.
“So come on – has Jay given up yet and just given you cereal?” Izzy asked, popping a fizzy cola bottle in her mouth then taking a shifty glance around the canteen. Break was almost over, judging from the gradually thinning crowd, and she needed to fit in as much chatting as she could before lunch, because she just knew they were in for a test in double maths.
“Well he has to cook my dad’s so he might as well cook for me too,” Grace shrugged, her mind also turning to the possibility of a maths test.
“But your dad’s in Holland!” Izzy pointed out.
“Berlin, but close...sort of...as long as you’re not German...or Dutch...or someone who owns a map...” Grace pondered and Izzy could only roll her eyes, giving Grace a teasing shove.
“Fine, Berlin, but the point still stands,” she said, shaking her head. Grace smiled.
“Yeah well, so does mine. He has to cook his own too doesn’t he? So just trust me Izzy, this one is not going to go wrong any time soon. Now come on, tell me everything you know about Pythagoras and tell me fast!” she retorted and Izzy went slightly pale.
“But I know nothing!” she confessed quietly and Grace giggled.
“I’m not copying off you then!” she joked as the bell went and both girls headed, with a little apprehension, towards almost-certain mathematical failure.
***
As Howard fished his key out from his coat pocket, he cast a brief glance at his watch. Back in time for dinner, he thought with a grin. His head was still ringing slightly from his previous night’s work but his nap on the plane had at least served to perk him up in time for his reunion with his husband. A week away was at least seven days too long for Howard’s liking and he found a rush of energy deep inside his bones as soon as he managed to open the apartment door.
Everything was so quiet that for a moment Howard feared that Jason had forgotten him and opted for an early night. But as his eyes fell on the armchair in the corner, he soon realised his mistake. Staying with Crystal had left him that bit too used to chaos to remember to follow the trail of neatness. The sparkling kitchen, the desk set out so neatly that all of the picture frames were at perfect angles to the laptop, the sofa with a tidy row of contentedly plump cushions. These were not the signs of an empty space, these were the signs of at least an hour’s work on Jason’s part and as Howard’s eyes finally took in the slight figure springing gladly from the armchair he couldn’t help but let out a low chuckle of affection. As he dropped his suitcase, Howard swept Jason into his arms, their bodies colliding with a soft thud. Jason buried himself in Howard’s chest and Howard tightened his grip, spinning the two of them round, so strong was his pleasure at holding Jason to him once more. He planted a lingering kiss in the crook of Jason’s neck and Jason seemed to get the message, letting out a small chuckle of his own.
“I’ve missed you,” he said softly and Howard smiled.
“I’d love to say I missed you too, but Crystal said your name so much I almost forgot you weren’t there,” Howard joked, though he didn’t release Jason from his arms. Jason grinned. It was an unromantic declaration, he supposed, but a part of him revelled in that.
“So in that case you won’t be needing the home-cooked tea I made you since you won’t have been missing it since the moment you left...” Jason began and Howard almost – almost, mind – gasped. Jason’s eyes glittered with mischief as Howard pulled back just enough to see his face. They paused like that a moment, each staring at the other with a look that was something close to enchantment. The corners of Howard’s lips twitched up into a faraway smile.
“You look...” he began but the words momentarily escaped him. He found that he took it for granted sometimes, the way Jason’s whole face shone so quietly. It was a far cry the razzle-dazzle face-light-up look of Mark, or even the bold warmth that Gary could radiate so easily. No, Jason’s face shone modestly with a sort of beauty Howard realised was hard to come by.
“If you say I look ‘well’ then you can take that suitcase straight back out the door you know,” Jason’s warning was crisp and laced with teasing as it cut through Howard’s daydream. Jason hated when people said he looked well; he saw it as nothing more than a carefully disguised enquiry into his health and/or mental stability. Howard shook his head slowly.
“I was going to say you look stunning. But now you mention it...” he began. Jason swatted at him for his troubles.
Howard found it amazing how easily the thought of food slipped from his mind once Jason was in his arms. It was strange but the moments of reunion almost made the going away seem worthwhile. Almost. Everything about Jason suddenly seemed to pull him into love with him all over again. The way his green shirt was pristine and straight against him but for the rumples where Howard’s hands rested, the way his slender fingers danced absently through the curls of hair at the back of Howard’s neck, the way his body seemed to fold against Howard’s own. It was all so reassuringly familiar and yet so entertainingly new that Howard almost tumbled over when Jason finally stepped out of the embrace, casting him a knowing (yet still understanding) smile as he attempted to make a move for the kitchen. The smell of dinner, alluring as it was, was not enough to distract Howard though, he was still too fascinated by the slim curve of Jason’s lips, and in an instant he had taken one of Jason’s hands in his and pulled Jason back to him once more, overpowering him with a kiss so powerful Jason almost neglected to keep himself standing. Howard helped him with this problem, pulling Jason so tightly to him that Jason’s feet nearly left the floor. When the kiss finally ended, Jason looked up at Howard with a smile that somehow reciprocated the love but also managed to add a dash of mischief, eyes gleaming knowingly.
“I thought you didn’t miss me,” he pointed out softly and Howard almost laughed as he replied.
“You win, love; I bloody missed you. A lot.”
***
Mark was a rumpled shadow of the man that had started the day so energetically, Gary mused, but he couldn’t help but smile at the sight of him curled up on the sofa. His waistcoat was creased, his hat on at an angle that was a long way past jaunty and his legs were almost entirely obscured by a sea of blanket. There was always something draining about dinner with the family, Gary supposed, but the combination of both Mark’s family and Gary’s own had been even more tiring than usual. But at least it was over with for another few weeks and they had neatly seen off any ‘But we never see you!’ type phone calls.
As Gary plonked himself down on the sofa, Mark pushed himself up, gladly taking the hot chocolate which Gary offered him and glancing over briefly at the clock.
“It’s earlier than I thought it would be. I thought we’d be there ‘til the restaurant closed. Actually, I thought me Mam would have made us stay after it closed. I thought we’d all be there, sat in the dark, talking about every last cousin and family friend until the sun was coming up...” he mused and Gary laughed, pulling Mark towards him using the tangled blankets.
“You are a drama queen,” he told him bluntly and Mark’s instinctive reaction was to gasp loudly before realising it only served to prove Gary’s point.
“You are...um...urgh, I can’t think of anything right now. You know what I think? I think Jay is so lucky! Ok, so he had to stay and close up the shop so we could leave early but come on. He gets a nice big Howard reunion in return, not a family reunion like us!” Mark sighed, snuggling down against Gary’s side. Gary smiled quietly and nodded, giving Mark’s shoulders a squeeze.
“I know what’s really getting to you...” he said, a glint in his eye. Mark frowned, looking up at Gary in enquiry, pushing himself up a little and almost pouring hot chocolate over them both.
“And what’s that exactly?” he questioned, only the mug in his hands preventing him from putting them on his hips in indignation. Gary chuckled.
“You think Howard will have brought back something exotic from his little European adventure,” he pressed, watching Mark’s expression change as if a part of him had indeed considered this.
“Exotic? In Berlin?” Mark asked at last, puffing his lips out a little.
“Eh, don’t knock Berlin, it’s a lovely city!” Gary replied and Mark raised an eyebrow.
“Um, you would know this how? Your work doesn’t take you further than London. And even that’s a rare adventure!” he grinned, something of a tease hovering in the air.
“Ah, see, that is what this is about! Am I not enough of a jetsetter for you?” Gary shot back with the instant effect of making Mark shake his head dramatically before snuggling even further into Gary’s side. Gary hid his laugh and accepted the gesture by squeezing Mark’s shoulders.
“What do people bring back from Berlin anyway?” Mark mused after a moment, much to Gary’s amusement. If only there was more profit to be made in having such a fascination with presents.
“I don’t know, I only get as far as London remember?” he answered and Mark sighed.
“Little pieces of the Berlin wall...” he said after a beat. Gary smirked.
“I Love Berlin t-shirts?” he offered. Mark smiled at him.
“I don’t love Berlin though, that would be a rubbish gift!” he said and Gary had to wonder where Mark was going with this.
“What have I said about not knocking Berlin! Howard still half-wishes he’d moved there when he had the chance you know. If it wasn’t for Jay, I bet he’d be living there. In a house filled with little bits of the Berlin wall...wearing his favourite I Love Berlin t-shirt...” he countered. Mark thought a moment then shook his head.
“I knocked the t-shirts, not the city,” Mark reminded him and Gary laughed.
“Ok then...where are you going with this, Marko?” he sighed and Mark shrugged.
“I’m going to tell you I don’t love Berlin, I love you. And then I’m going to kiss you,” he said matter-of-factly, casting a sidelong glance at Gary.
“Oh,” Gary said simply and Mark let out a mischievous laugh at his expectant look.
“Eh, I said I’m going to. I didn’t say when though did I!” he retorted and with that he made Gary wait until he’d finished his hot chocolate before he even looked in his direction again.
***
Howard lay curled around Jason on the bed, tracing patterns on his arm. He supposed it might seem strange that, with Grace staying at Izzy’s for the night and him having been gone a week, all the two of them had managed to do since his return was eat, catch up on what they’d each been doing and then fall onto the bed to gaze at each other. But to Howard he loved the intimacy that could be found in their shared normality. Jason’s shirt was a good deal more crumpled now, Howard noted, and he supposed that was his fault, every crease the result of some touch or embrace. He couldn’t help it though, he found himself suddenly fascinated with the feeling of Jason’s warmth in his arms, lost in the steadiness of his breathing and his heartbeat. Jason only smiled at him and, for his part, enjoyed the safety in being held so tightly, exchanging smiles for kisses whenever he felt it appropriate.
“I love you, How,” he told Howard quietly after a suitable amount of time had passed in silence. A tiny frown had lodged itself on his forehead and Howard touched his fingertips lightly against it, gently trying to push it back, instinctively wanting to make whatever was wrong go away.
“I love you too, Jay.” he replied slowly, looking carefully into Jason’s eyes to try and judge what worry it was that was tinting his quiet face. Jason moved a little closer to Howard, desperate to sink into the reassurance of his touch.
“I just worry sometimes...” he began carefully and Howard’s heart stammered nervously.
“About me loving you?” he asked quietly and Jason shook his head, which was now resting right next to Howard’s on the pillow.
“No, that much I don’t doubt at all. It’s just...just about something I can’t put my finger on. I...” he stopped then and Howard looked at him in questioning.
“Go on,” he murmured and Jason bit his lip.
“I just wonder sometimes if you know that I love you. Or if you forget,” he ventured.
“Forget?” Howard frowned and Jason nodded.
“Yes. When you go away you...you forget that I love you. That I miss you,” he replied. Howard’s frown deepened.
“I don’t forget...” he began but Jason smiled at him softly.
“No, How. You do. You think you love me too much, that you miss me too much. And that if you let it show then it’ll bother me. But it wouldn’t, How. Because I love you too, just as much as you love me.”
“But I...” Howard tried again but Jason’s smile simply widened and he rolled his eyes.
“How, I’m not angry. I just...it was on my mind. And I don’t hide things from you.”
“Jay, I know you love me. And I’m so lucky that you do,” Howard insisted, kissing Jason’s forehead once. Jason smiled slightly.
“It’s not luck, How. I just love you, simple as that. Stop talking me up and putting yourself down. And phone me if you want to, don’t presume I won’t want to know.”
“Jay, I...”
“Hey, shh, come on. Get some rest. It’s just information, How. Don’t worry about it, just get some sleep,” Jason murmured and with that he pressed a kiss to Howard’s lips before turning off the bedside lamp and settling back onto his own side of the bed.
***
Howard frowned slightly as he woke up, disorientated by how comfortable he felt and lost as to why rolling over hadn’t sent him tumbling to the floor. As he opened his eyes he found he needed to squint against the light, which should have been an indicator in itself of the fact he was no longer on Crystal’s orange sofa. The blurry skyline he found himself squinting at was another obvious reminder; where the Berlin buildings should have clustered, the hodgepodge of bricks that was Manchester was instead stirring slowly under a heavy blanket of grey. Satisfied as to his location, he closed his eyes once more, taking a moment to savour the comfort in which he was bathed. For a man who rose so early and who so often couldn’t sleep, Jason had a remarkable taste in bedding. The finest mattress, plump pillows, a duvet that rustled as you moved. This, Howard thought to himself, was oh-so-nearly bliss. Now he just needed one more thing and, in an attempt to find it, he rolled over, spreading his arm out to the other side of the bed. When he met with nothing but bedding he let out a dull mumble of protest though he couldn’t quite be bothered to open his eyes.
From where he had been standing in the doorway, Jason chuckled gently. It was nice, he thought, that his husband’s third priority upon waking up was him. He could just about live with being ranked behind location and comfort. Howard’s head moved instinctively towards the sound of his laugh and in response Jason moved across to the bed, sitting down next to his husband, who slowly opened his eyes and sneaked an arm around his waist. Jason leant over at that, kissing Howard briefly on the lips. This was bliss, Howard thought contentedly and as they pulled back he caught Jason’s blue eyes watching him, a smile just visible in their depths. Howard could feel those eyes slowly dragging him into wakefulness and he was powerless to resist it, returning their smile with a goofy grin of his own.
“Morning, love,” he murmured, hardly bothering to move his lips.
“Good to be home?” Jason asked him, arching an eyebrow and Howard responded by tightening his grip around Jason’s waist until Jason was forced to tumble down onto the duvet, curling up quietly in his grip. Howard placed a kiss to the crook of his neck.
“I meant what I said; I missed you. I always do,” he said quietly into Jason’s hair, giving him another kiss for good measure, this time to the top of his head. Jason sank against him a little, closing his eyes. But something told Howard he wasn’t happy. Jason was a master of keeping his head just above the water, a smile on his face for those who needed to see it. Only Howard was ever really allowed to see the struggle going on just beneath the surface.
“I know you did, love. I know.”
“Jay, come on. Talk to me.”
“I am talking to you.”
“Really talk to me, Jay. And I’ll really listen I swear.”
“It’s just...I don’t know...you could have called more, I guess,” Jason told him and Howard’s heart stalled a moment. That was why Jason needed such reassurance. Had he really not called as often as he usually did?
“I’m sorry I just...I get in so late...I don’t want to wake you up,” he said but Jason shook his head.
“I was awake, though. I was waiting,” he said simply. Howard felt awful. He held onto Jason even tighter, pulled his body close. Jason responded in kind, burying his face in the crook of Howard’s neck. Howard could feel his breath on his skin, another reassurance from Jason that they were still close. Sometimes Howard needed to be told the world wasn’t ending, had to be convinced that a talk was just a talk, that they were still close in every way.
“I’m sorry, love. I don’t know why I blanked...but you know what Crystal’s like. I’m never sat still for more than ten seconds with her around. And there’s always at least one stray party-goer hanging around the place. I swear she’s friends with half of Germany,” he sighed. Jason nodded silently.
“You used to call every night. Recently I’ve started to count myself lucky if you call once a trip,” he shrugged and Howard bit his lip. He had missed Jason just as much as he always did. Actually, he’d missed him more. He’d missed Jason so much that he’d cut his set short one night so he could get some fresh air, clear his head and cheer himself up a bit. He didn’t know why he hadn’t used that time to call. He supposed it was because he always thought he was hassling Jason, clinging to him too tightly. He had to let him breathe, no matter how much he missed him. Right?
“Love, I’m so sorry, I honestly didn’t...” he began but he could tell by the way Jason was lying in his arms that somehow his husband had just read his mind. They were still curled together on the bed, Jason’s arm across Howard, Howard’s hand resting on top of that arm, his thumb stroking Jason’s skin. But now all of the tension Jason had been holding onto was gone, his breathing a little deeper, as if he could somehow hear the agony of how much Howard had missed him seeping out in his voice. A small smile twitched the corner of Jason’s face.
“You used to wear a wedding ring too. Any answers for that one?” he questioned gently. Now it was Howard’s turn to tense up, though he took some comfort from the lack of anger in Jason’s tone.
“Oh crap,” Howard groaned and Jason chuckled softly into Howard’s neck.
“Well from your reaction I’m guessing I don’t need to worry about divorce at least.”
“I must have left it at Crystal’s. I swear half my life gets lost down the back of the bloody sofa...I’m so sorry Jay, I’m such a shit husband,” Howard sighed, holding Jason closer. Jason simply laughed again, the feeling of it ticking Howard’s skin.
“Do I look like the kind of man who would marry a ‘shit husband’ to you?” Jason asked, looking up into Howard’s face with a rush of care Howard thought he probably didn’t deserve.
“You don’t look like you deserve one. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this to you but I think I stumbled up a few thousand leagues when I met you...” Howard said earnestly, looking so deflated that Jason didn’t know whether to hug him or smack him.
“You have mentioned it actually, several thousand times. And I keep telling you; you were tailor made for me whether you realise it or not. So when you miss me, you can call me at any hour of the day or night to tell me and I won’t complain. That might stop you from taking off your wedding ring and rubbing it like it’s some sort of magic lantern that’ll bring me to you. And then you might not leave it on an eccentric German’s coffee table. Deal?” Jason offered softly and Howard chuckled a little, shaking his head. He cupped Jason’s face in his hands, tenderly stroking his thumbs against Jason’s face as he looked deep into those bright eyes.
“You freaky psychic man. How do you always know?” Howard asked him playfully. Jason smiled.
“Same way you knew something was wrong when you pulled me into bed with you all of five minutes ago. For someone who married me two years ago, you don’t half forget we love each other quickly,” Jason remarked and Howard could feel his gentle smile through his hands. Silently he pressed a kiss to Jason’s forehead and Jason’s eyes closed.
“Then maybe you should try and remind me,” he smiled down at Jason huskily, his breath brushing against Jason’s face. Jason closed his eyes as Howard dipped his head a little, kissing his closed eyelids. They both knew what would happen next and Jason found he had missed his husband far too much to resist.
***
“Oh. My. Word,” Gary said, standing on the pavement outside the shop, aghast. Mark hopped up behind him, head bobbing up at his shoulder and his shoes making soft clicking sounds on the pavement. He frowned, trying to work out what was wrong with the shop to provoke such a reaction from Gary. But he could find nothing.
“What?” he asked, giving up. Gary waved his hand vaguely at the darkness of the shop.
“Look! It’s not open!! Jay’s...well, he's late,” he pointed out and as realisation dawned on Mark, a sly smile crept onto his lips. He raised his eyebrows at Gary suggestively.
“Jason Orange you little devil! And in the morning! Didn’t know he had it in ‘im. Howard mind you...” he giggled mischievously but Gary cut him off by quickly placing a hand over his mouth.
“Stop. Right there. I don’t want to know,” he blustered, suddenly swift in producing his keys and opening the shop. It was so long since he’d had to open up that he almost forgot which key he needed and as he fumbled Mark’s giggles only increased.
“Aw, Gaz!” he chuckled, following Gary into the dark shop and tossing his hat happily in the direction of a selection of guitars, hardly aware of its perfect landing atop one.
“Marko, I am a good Northern lad. As far as I’m concerned, when married people go home, they drink tea and watch television. Please don’t shatter my dreams,” Gary smiled, a hint of mischief now dancing in his own eyes as he removed his scarf, tossing it in the same direction as Mark’s hat. Mark was using his own scarf to stifle another laugh, his face crinkling along lines left there by a lifetime spent smiling at anyone who met his gaze for long enough.
“We’re married...” Mark began and Gary narrowed his eyes, fighting off his smirk.
“And we drink tea – admittedly we sometimes have biscuits too and we even watch television...” he began and Mark nodded reluctantly.
“Ok, fine. But I’m only agreeing with this because I’m also a good Northern boy and I know that, for the sake of avoiding embarrassment, we good Northern boys all pretend our favourite pastimes are drinking tea and watching television. In fact, that’s what I’ll tell the press when I’m famous. I’m the boy next door...” Mark reeled off, beginning to get carried away. Gary shot him an odd look, taking in Mark’s outfit and smirking affectionately.
“You’re the boy next door in what neighbourhood exactly?” he questioned and Mark’s eyes flashed with a mixture of indignation and amusement.
“A stylish one!” he retorted with a grin and Gary laughed.
“Alright. Actually, speaking of fame...” he began and Mark gasped, suddenly rushing over and grabbing Gary’s arm excitedly. Gary could hardly keep up with him when he was in one of these moods but that only seemed to make him love Mark more.
“Howard’s back now, so...?” Mark prompted hopefully.
“So, I think maybe we should tell him and Jay our news,” Gary smiled back and Mark’s grin broadened.
“Finally!! But; you have to let me give Jay hell first!” he enthused and Gary rolled his eyes, letting Mark give him a kiss on the cheek.
“Poor old Jay. He’s a good Northern lad too you know – he might blush but he’ll still tell you there was something good on the telly and...” Gary began but now it was Mark’s turn to roll his eyes, giving Gary another brief peck on the cheek.
“And that he just put his tea in a larger mug this morning. I know. But the blush will give him away. And Howard? Howard has no shame,” Mark nodded firmly. Poor Jay, Gary thought to himself. But at least it would make sure he was never late to work again.
***
Jason closed his eyes and let the hot shower water wash over his skin. He was trying not to think about being late for work and trying to savour the feeling of relief that had filled every inch of his body when he’d heard the note of genuine regret in Howard’s voice. He’d been wondering to himself all night if he should worry, if he should read something into the fact Howard had hardly called. But when he’d looked into his husband’s eyes all he’d seen was a man convinced he was a nuisance. The stupid thing was, Grace had hardly noticed that he hadn’t called. But then Grace was not the sort of girl to start desperately missing someone until they had been out of her life for at least two weeks. People came and went in her world, that was just how it was. Jason wished he could be so resilient. People came and went a lot in his world too, when he was growing up. But somewhere along the line he’d stopped immunising himself to it. He had chosen people who he trusted not to drift and he relied on their presence more than he cared to admit.
By the time he wandered back down the hall, Howard had finished the bacon butty which had been left out for him and was leafing through the backlog of letters which had been left next to it. Jason smiled with amusement at that. Typical Howard. Go for the food first, deal with the paperwork later. Jason operated in the opposite manner himself and he wondered if it was some sort of miracle that he and Howard could function as a pair at all. Howard looked up then, his brilliantly blue eyes twinkling animatedly as he took in Jason’s still-damp skin. Jason simply rolled his eyes, pulling on the shirt that was in his hands before joining his husband at the breakfast bar and giving him a light kiss on his cheek, looking up at his pout with a smile.
“Look, I’ve just had to have my second shower of the morning. Don’t make me have a third,” he warned gently and Howard narrowed his eyes a little.
“That sounded more like a challenge than a warning to me...” he began and Jason elbowed him playfully in the ribcage, leaning a little against Howard’s shoulder.
“Everything sounds like a challenge to you! I’m already late for work so will you please stop looking so proud of yourself and get a move on?” he pleaded gently and Howard laughed.
“You are going to get so much stick from Mark,” he informed Jason and Jason groaned.
“Don’t say that like it’s a good thing,” he said, pushing himself from Howard’s side and heading towards the door. Howard watched him go a moment before getting down from his stool.
“I love you,” he said softly and Jason paused, turning to look at him with a steady smile in his eyes.
“I love you too,” he replied and with that, the two of them finally left the apartment.
***
Mark swung his legs back and forth, grinning broadly from his place on the counter. Jason looked at him out of the corner of his eye before turning to the next page of his book. So far today he had been baited – by his husband almost as much as by Mark – and had only had the chance for light relief when no less than three customers had come into the shop. Two sets of beginner piano books and one advanced guitar songbook had been flogged and shop-regular Mike had also dropped by, making vague promises about buying the flashy new saxophone from the shop window next time he got a pay check before vanishing with the latest song book of chart music tucked under his arm. For a healthy discount, Jason noted – it was really a miracle Gary made any profit on this place. But, as if by magic, money always ended up in the till. Jason suspected the music lessons they all taught on the side were the only thing that really pulled the business through. Gary himself had done nothing to call off Mark’s cheery teases, however, sticking instead to his piano polishing whilst muttering quietly about it serving him right for neglecting his duty to the shop.
As Jason wondered how long it would be until Mark made another pointed remark, Howard finally emerged with their lunchtime brews and Gary, lured by the McVities packet Howard had remembered to bring from home, followed him in. Jason smiled at Howard as he took one of the mugs in his own hands, blowing on it and closing his eyes a moment. Surely tea would keep Mark quiet, for a little while at least. But no such luck. There was a look in Mark’s eyes and everyone knew that, any minute now, that mischief was about to spill over. Gary gave Jason a small shrug of mild sympathy, tucking into the biscuits and trying to avoid making eye contact.
“So, Jay, you never did tell me, did Howard bring you back anything nice from Berlin?” Mark asked, peeking across at Jason from over the top of his mug.
“I married a menace,” Gary noted as an aside to Howard, who chuckled into his tea. Jason shot the two of them a withering look. Gary looked at him in an attempt at innocence and Jason only looked away when Gary’s biscuit crumbled, with a plop, into his tea. That’d teach him, he thought, before turning back to deal with Mark, who was still beaming from ear to ear.
“You’re really scraping the barrel now, Markie, you know that?” Jason asked him, shaking his head.
“How so?!” Mark protested, unable to hide his put-out pout. Howard’s eyes danced with amusement at the sight of his husband’s feisty sparring but Gary could only muster a chuckle of affection for his own spouse before returning to attempting to fish out the other half of his biscuit from his tea with only one teaspoon.
“Well let’s see; we’ve had the rather predictable ‘What time do you call this?’ remarks with significant enquiry as to what had kept me. Then we moved on to the ‘You look refreshed this morning, what is your secret?’ followed by the somewhat contradictory allusions to me looking worn out...” Jason listed. Howard and Gary’s amusement doubled as Mark drew himself up slightly.
“I believe my phrase was ‘shagged out’ actually...” he began to protest but Jason rolled his eyes.
“It was so subtle I hardly noticed you’d said anything,” he deadpanned, but there was a tiny smile just visible at the edge of his lips. Howard couldn’t decide if that smile was caused by Jason remembering the morning or enjoying the bickering.
“Oo, did I hit too close to home with that one then?!” Mark grinned, leaning over to Jason. A cool as anything, Jason cuffed Mark lightly on the head and pushed him back to his part of the counter.
“I’ll answer the first question instead and just pretend you didn’t say that. Yes, Howard did indeed bring some wonderful souvenirs back from his trip. Several hundred pieces of the Berlin Wall, a couple of ‘I Heart Berlin’ t-shirts and a small German man called Hans. Before you ask? No, Hans does not wear lederhosen, that would be too much of a stereotype for me to cope with. Any more questions before you hop along to the caff in time for the Saturday lunch rush?” Jason smiled swiftly. That did for Howard. He wasn’t sure if it was the invention of Hans the German or the little yelp of surprise and laughter that erupted from Mark when Jason had finished but all in all it proved too much and he almost choked on his tea. Gary too had given up on fishing for his biscuit, laughing that sort of belly laugh that’s so hearty it’s no longer audible. Jason seemed pleased with his work and he jumped down from the counter, setting down his mug before wandering off.
“This isn’t over, Jay!” Mark called after him with a giggle and Jason glanced over his shoulder, looking briefly at Mark before turning to flash Gary a broad smile. Gary could just about see him through his laughter and he tried to compose himself.
“Gaz, I will be here, bright and early on Sunday to open up, I promise. Actually...scratch that. I’ll send Hans instead,” Jason smiled, leaning slightly on the archway. Gary beamed back at him, raising his mug slightly as a toast before curling his lips into a playful smile.
“Better still; send Howard! Since I’m assuming this is all his fault...” he offered and Jason’s grin brightened further. He flashed an affectionate wink in Howard’s direction before looking back at Gary and nodding slowly.
“You know what, I might just do that. Give you time for a bit of Sunday morning...” Jason began.
“Tea drinking!” Gary interrupted quickly.
“And watching telly. Don’t forget the telly,” Mark chuckled and Jason laughed.
“Oh yes, I forgot what a good Northern lad you were, Gaz. If only Howard were able to remain so true to his roots,” Jason sighed dramatically before breezing away to the back of the shop, leaving Howard, Gary and Mark chuckling softly in his wake.
“That counts as a confession,” Mark assured Gary and Howard but they all knew he wouldn’t dare repeat that in earshot of Jason.
***
Howard pulled his phone from his pocket, checking the time before sifting through his contacts until finally he found the number he needed. Crystal’s bartending job at one of Berlin’s most popular nightlife spots meant that she routinely found herself crawling into bed in the early hours and refusing to crawl out of it until the early afternoon, so he knew any call he made to her needed to be timed to perfection. Call too early she’ll be asleep, call too late and she’ll be getting ready to leave. He knew he was still taking a risk calling her now, as there was a good chance she wasn’t awake enough for chitchat, but he’d been feeling guilty about his absent wedding ring all day. He was lucky he’d married a man gracious enough to accept his carelessness, find it loveable even. He was sure there were far more out there who would have given him the cold shoulder for a week.
“Shove off Donald I’m dead on legs!” came a blunt, croaky voice at the other end. Howard couldn’t help but smirk slightly, shaking his head. Crystal had never been one to hide how she felt. She was open, honest and upfront. But he still knew he was safe. If she really wanted him to shove off she would have reprimanded him in German before slamming down the phone. Crystal would always drift into German when she got angry – Howard wasn’t sure if she thought it sounded more effective or if it was just easier for her to find the right words in her native language but he’d decided to think of it as a ‘charming personality trait’ and have done.
“Oh come on, Crystal, it’s for Jay’s sake I’m calling,” Howard pleaded and he could almost hear Crystal softening at the mention of his husband. She muttered something in German but there was a more playful tone to it than her angry rants so he reckoned he was still safe.
“Alright, fine. How is Prince Charming?” Crystal sighed at last. Howard chuckled.
“Still married to me, before you get any ideas in your head!” he shot back. Crystal made a strange whimpering noise of protest and disappointment.
“Then tell me why I should help you keep a hold of him then?!” she huffed mischievously.
“Ohw, come on now, play nice!” Howard joked and it coaxed a laugh from Crystal.
“I’m going to take a wild guess and say you’re calling to ask about your wedding ring?” she asked after a moment and Howard raised his eyebrows.
“You found it?!” he asked hopefully and Crystal laughed again.
“When you were packing. It’s in the zippy pocket of your wash bag,” she was quick to reply.
“You’re incredible, Crystal – thank you! Jason thanks you too, if that helps,” Howard grinned. Just as Howard was about to say goodbye, Crystal suddenly stopped him, a note of concern in her voice that surprised him a little.
“Wait, How...”
“Is something up?” Howard frowned, worried now. Crystal paused briefly and sighed.
“Look, you know I’m always honest with you, yeah?”
“Of course, I like you to be.”
“Then don’t take what I’m about to say the wrong way, ok?”
“Ok...” Howard nodded slowly, slightly nervous now.
“Don’t screw this one up, yeah? I mean...ok, you misplaced a wedding ring and that’s not too big a deal or anything but...don’t let it be a sign, ok? Because I know what you’re like. When you get this comfortable with someone, when things seem to have levelled off to your idea of perfection...you have a tendency to...go off the rails. Monumental acts of stupidity become your default mode.”
“Crystal...”
“Oh I shouldn’t have said anything should I. But...well, you said you liked me to be honest...oh God, Howard, I’m sorry, I feel awful now, just ignore me. I just want you to be happy and Jay makes you happy and I don’t want you to risk losing that, you know? Seriously, just forget I mentioned anything!”
“It’s fine, Crystal. And...and you’re right. Of course you are. You always are. But I’m trying, I really am. I’m not going to screw it up, I’m not going to let myself. Jay is different. And he brings out a different side of me,” Howard assured her and she laughed softly.
“Now that I can believe. Just...tell him to keep an eye on you, ok?” she sighed.
“He doesn’t need telling!” Howard chuckled.
When he finally slipped back into the shop, Howard tried to put Crystal’s words to the back of his mind. She was right about his past, but this was him and Jason. He loved Jason. He loved Jason in a way he had never loved anyone before. The relationships Crystal was thinking of, he could, with hindsight, safely say that on some subconscious level he had wanted them to end. And the monumental acts of stupidity? They were sort of...his way of avoiding doing the breaking up. He would never do that to Jason. He took a deep breath, heading into the side room and trying to ignore the niggling doubts in his mind. Jason heard him come in and when he looked up the smile on his face almost knocked Howard sideways. I put that smile there, he reminded himself slightly incredulously. Just by walking into a room he could make this man’s face light up. No. He didn’t need to worry. Of course he didn’t.
***
Howard smiled fondly at Jason, who was wrapped firmly in his arms and didn’t look like he wanted to be any place else. They were attempting to leave for home but for some reason neither one of them was willing to move from their spot, standing in the middle of the shop floor. Jason had at least made it at as far as getting his coat on, but Howard’s attempts to leave had stopped with his hat and scarf, his coat ending up sandwiched in the middle of his and Jason’s embrace. He put one hand to Jason’s cheek, resting their foreheads together, before dipping in for yet another long kiss. Howard found that stolen moments like this were always the best. He couldn’t have explained it if he was asked but he knew it to be true nevertheless. In the stolen moments he found himself lost in the detail of everything, the way the light played off Jason’s eyes, the way his hair fell, even the way his delicate frame felt in his arms. But there was a problem with stolen moments; they were too brief, as he was reminded abruptly by the sound of Gary clearing his throat.
Jason and Howard turned to see Mark and Gary stood side by side in the archway and Jason sank slightly into Howard’s chest, too tired to stage any more battles with Mark.
“I’m saying nothing,” Mark shrugged, miming locking his lips closed and throwing away the key.
“Hmm,” Jason mumbled, most of the sound muffled by Howard’s shirt, his head still sleepily resting there. Jason looked just about ready for bed, Howard noted, and he was overwhelmed by the urge to look after him. He planted a kiss on top of Jason’s head in an attempt to keep him on his feet until they got home and he was proud to see the tiny, sleepy little smile it brought to Jason’s face, his half-closed eyes briefly dancing with life before he snuggled closer into Howard’s chest.
“You see what you’ve done to my husband,” Howard scolded Mark gently and Mark laughed.
“Oh I think that was all you, Howard!” he grinned, folding his arms as if he had finally won the argument.
“I’ll set Hans on you,” Jason groaned into Howard’s chest, now burying his face entirely.
“Now that I would like to see,” Gary chuckled and Mark elbowed him in the ribs.
“Oi! You’re supposed to defend me, Barlow! Howard defended Jay!” he protested.
“Ah, but, good Northern lads avoid confrontation. This is why I married the bad one,” Jason remarked, briefly raising his head and winking at Mark before flopping back into Howard’s strength. Howard laughed.
“When did I get this reputation?!” he protested.
“When you made Jay late for work,” Gary smirked and Jason smiled slightly.
“Trust be, he got his reputation well before that,” he mumbled.
“Well now I don’t even know what to say as a comeback,” Mark sighed, a little deflated. Gary smiled at him, giving his shoulders a comforting squeeze before shrugging.
“In all the years I have known him, Jay has always won every battle of wills presented to him. I’m sorry Marko, but I think you’re going to have to up your game to break that record,” he said.
“Actually, I already broke the record. And there’s no way I’m giving you my secrets,” Howard grinned and Jason swatted at him softly.
“Shush you, you’re not helping,” he chided sleepily. Gary, sensing the conversation was getting away from him, clapped his hands together once in an attempt to attract their attention. As they all turned to look at him he smiled broadly.
“Anyway; Mark and me have got something to tell you both,” he announced. Jason didn’t bother to raise his head again but he did muster up a questioning grunt, more to assure everyone he hadn’t fallen asleep than to demonstrate genuine interest, but it was enough to perk up Mark.
“It’s really exciting, I promise,” he enthused. Howard glanced down at the sleep lump in his arms and laughed, shaking his head affectionately.
“I think you’re gonna have to work hard to get this one excited,” he remarked.
“But that’s no fun,” Mark sighed, slightly exasperated.
“It’s alright, I’ll be his ears for him, come on, what do you want to tell us?” Howard chuckled.
“Well, Jonathan gave me a ring last week. He said he thinks we’ve done enough playing in bars and it’s time to start thinking bigger. He’s booked us into some local recording studios...” Gary began.
“He wants to record a demo,” Mark cut in, his eyes sparkling. Howard sensed that the word ‘demo’ had been repeated a lot by Mark since this news had reached him. It was as if just saying the word introduced him into a wonderland.
“That’s...um...” Howard began and Mark paused a moment, looking slightly sad.
“You’re not excited,” he said and Gary patted his shoulder comfortingly.
“Not everyone deals with excitement by looking like they’ve swallowed a whole packet of sherbet in one sitting, Marko,” Gary told him and Howard nodded.
“Exactly. Plus, I think Jay’s asleep so...” he smiled faintly.
“I’m not asleep. Recording studio. Jonathan. Demo. Life getting turned upside-down. I’m following perfectly,” Jason mumbled into Howard’s shirt. Everyone looked at him a moment.
“Ok...not excited is beginning to sound like a more accurate summary...” Gary conceded.
“He isn’t not happy about it but...well...it’s just...change...” Howard began to explain.
“You know I don’t do change well Gaz,” Jason said quietly.
“But if you give him time to get his head around it...” Howard offered and Jason nodded slowly.
“Then eventually, I’ll be excited. Not Sherbet Boy happy. But happy. I promise...just, let me get some sleep first,” he yawned. This seemed to satisfy Mark and Howard and Gary watched as he performed a delighted pirouette, throwing his hat in the air then hugging Gary. As Howard watched he remembered Crystal’s words earlier and something in his chest constricted. Change was a dangerous thing when it came to him and he knew he was going to have to be extra-careful now it had decided to descend upon his and Jason’s lives without invitation.
***
Putting the phone down on the desk, Howard turned and walked over to the kitchen, leaning on the breakfast bar and watching his husband quietly finish cleaning the kitchen. Jason was dedicated to a silent industriousness that Howard himself had never quite mastered. Howard wasn’t lazy, but he could never exert too much effort on anything without having a good moan about it either before or after. Even if he didn’t mind doing something, he felt being able to complain about it was vital to the job’s adequate completion. Jason held no such principles and, when it came to housework, he preferred things to be done a certain way and he knew that if that was ever going to happen then he would have to do it himself. He was less tired than he had been earlier, Howard noticed, and for that he was pleased because it always made him a little uneasy when Jason got too drained too easily. Whilst Jason was labelled the worrier of the pair of them, Howard could be encouraged to fret when he set his mind to it. Or at least, he could when it came to Jason. He didn’t like any harm coming to him; a misplaced hair on his head bordered on an crisis to Howard’s mind. Drowsiness could cause positive alarm.
As Howard mused to himself on his own slightly overprotective nature, Jason looked up at him. His eyes shone a little as he came over to join Howard at the breakfast bar, leaning on it to give Howard a brief kiss on his lips. He took Howard’s hands in his own, his thumb briefly stroking the newly restored wedding band on Howard’s ring finger with a certain grateful fondness.
“You’ve perked up a bit,” Howard remarked, keeping their faces close so he could study the soft smile on Jason’s lips. Jason laughed and gave a small shrug.
“Well you have been particularly liberal with displays of affection tonight, I’ve got to be on my guard in case you’re up to no good,” he said and Howard raised an eyebrow.
“Me? Up to no good? Never! It’s not my fault I’m disgustingly in love with you now is it,” he grinned and Jason smiled at him, leaning their foreheads together.
“Mm, debateable. But I’ll let it slide. Because – don’t let on – but I’m a little bit in love with you too.”
“Oh really? And how long have you been sitting on this information?”
“Years – no one suspected a thing.”
“If only I had your subtlety.”
“Mm, there’s nothing subtle about you, How.”
“That’s why you can’t resist me.”
“It’s why I love you.”
“I don’t think your secret is as well kept at you think, Jay.”
“You could be onto something there.”
“Everybody knows.”
“And I hope it stays that way,” Jason smiled, leaning in to give Howard’s cheek a kiss.
“Mm, seconded,” Howard smiled quietly.
“So tell me, how is that daughter of yours? Is she glad you’re back in one piece or utterly indifferent?” Jason sighed, pushing himself swiftly up from the breakfast bar and grabbing a cloth. Howard pouted slightly at the change of subject and leant back slightly.
“Largely indifferent, but glad I’m still alive at least. She’s having fun with her mum but is apparently missing you. It seems her biological parents just aren’t up to scratch so I think she’s auditioning for new ones,” Howard chuckled and Jason laughed as he began cleaning the kitchen worktops.
“And I got the part I take it? Well, I was always the most popular babysitter in the Orange family...although that had more to do with the fact that I was obliged to work for free, being related to them and all. At least you know what I’ve been up to whilst you and Crystal were living it up Deutschland style,” he beamed, glancing up to meet Howard’s eyes with dazzling warmth.
“What? Brainwashing my daughter?!” Howard asked him with a laugh and Jason nodded.
“Pretty much. I’m working on transforming her into my PA,” he informed Howard brightly, putting the cloth away and returning to the breakfast bar.
“You worry me,” Howard joked, placing a caring hand to Jason’s cheek. Jason simply smiled up at him, meeting his eyes with an all-seeing calmness that no-longer surprised Howard that much.
“I know,” he said simply and something in his tone told Howard that Jason was silently thanking him for his worrying, his constant understanding that okay didn’t always really mean okay.
“Course you do,” Howard sighed after a moment and Jason pursed his lips in to a tiny smile.
“Worry and love all tend to get a bit tangled up in my world, How,” he told Howard quietly, looking away, and Howard stroked his thumb against Jason’s cheek.
“What about worry and change?” he asked him leadingly and Jason closed his eyes, taking a moment to work out how their earlier news was sitting in his mind.
“Very tangled. But I’m picking my way through it. I’ll be fine, I promise. As long as I have you, I’ll be fine,” he whispered. Howard wasn’t convinced but he didn’t want to press and end up unsettling Jason even more, so instead he simply studied the details of Jason’s face, which was still resting against the palm of his hand. He couldn’t stop the rising doubts from surfacing though, they always seemed to of late.
“You’re so beautiful, Jay...” he sighed after a long pause, hardly realising he’d said it aloud. Jason’s eyes opened slowly, looking back into Howards with a mixture of concern and confusion.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so they say. You’re what’s beautiful in my eyes,” he replied but Howard shook his head slightly.
“I’m not,” was his simple response but Jason held his gaze.
“Howard, listen to me. I gave up any claim on my heart to you – the only exception, the only person allowed that sort of control. And I don’t make any secret of it. I am incapable of un-loving you...so will you please get that into that thick head of yours?” he asked, his voice soft as a whisper. Don’t screw this one up, for God’s sake, Howard thought to himself. Look at him. The only thing you could ever do to lose this man would be throwing away his heart and breaking it. And that would be a monumental act of stupidity to top all of his monumental acts of stupidity. Crystal would probably kill him if he ever did that. No, he reassured himself, there was no way he could screw this up. Especially not if he trod carefully and avoided any situation where he could do something daft. Jason was still looking up at him with those piercing blue eyes, searching for confirmation that he had been heard.
“I’ll keep your heart in my pocket then. And hope to God I don’t drop it – even if I am a clumsy oaf,” he let out and Jason laughed softly.
“You’re my clumsy oaf though,” he promised, giving Howard a lingering kiss.
***
Gary, Mark and Cadbury sat in a perfect line on the sofa, glued to the evening’s edition of Coronation Street like it contained the secret to life. Mark had been captured by a storyline and Gary had long had a suspicion that he would get kicked out of Manchester if he didn’t give the nation’s only Mancunian soap his full attention. Cadbury had no such excuse, he just loved soap operas. Gary sometimes suspected the dog to be creeping out of his basket whenever he was left home alone for long enough, switching on the telly and catching all the repeats he could. It wasn’t until the adverts permitted normal conversation to resume that Mark stirred slightly in Gary’s arms. This caused a chain reaction, of course, and Cadbury huffily lifted his head before resettling it at a slightly different angle in Mark’s lap.
“Gaz...Howard and Jay are going to be happy eventually aren’t they. About the recording thing...” Mark asked once he had made sure Cadbury was comfortable. Gary thought a moment.
“You know what Jay’s like. He doesn’t like change turning up without his express permission. And when it does turn up, he has to have time process it before he forms an opinion. He has to think about things from fifty different angles before he’s ever willing to make a final choice,” Gary shrugged and, as if in agreement, Cadbury poked his nose gently into Mark’s stomach. Mark looked down at the dog’s hopeful eyes and obligingly petted him before looking back at Gary.
“He wasn’t like that when he married Howard though – that decision happened in seconds,” he pouted, flopping his head down onto Gary’s shoulder.
“And in order to secure marriage to you I jumped on a plane to New York, even though I hate flying. Howard is Jason’s big rule break. Most likely his only rule break for his entire life,” Gary smiled affectionately down at Mark. Cadbury made a strange noise that sounded suspiciously like agreement and for a moment he and Gary waited with baited breath to see how long it would take Mark to get bored of sulking.
“Okay fine, you’re right,” Mark relented after sitting with his arms folded through an alarmingly colourful advert for some bank or other, trying to pretend he was really interested in their mortgages.
“Good. I don’t get to win very often,” Gary smiled, genuinely pleased with himself. He was sure that the little noise Cadbury made was a laugh. He was even more sure that Mark was trying to suppress a laugh of his own.
After a while of silence passed, and with Coronation Street threatening to return any moment, Mark looked up at Gary with those dancing, determined eyes of his. Gary had to look. He was at the mercy of those eyes. They were a colour he couldn’t define, flitting from grey into green into blue and, occasionally, into gold. They sparkled and sprang as much as Mark himself. Mark seemed equally transfixed by Gary’s eyes; altogether more steady and sturdy, a safe and reliable block of alarming blue that smoothed out the sparking edges of Mark’s dancing light.
“I’m glad you (briefly) conquered your irrational fear of air transportation for me,” Mark said quietly and Gary looked down at him, his eyebrows knotting heavily. His blonde hair was mussed, though it was much tidier than the brown tangle atop Mark’s own head, and his thin lips twisted slightly in a peculiar line that Mark could only see as being pride jumbled up with confusion. Cadbury lifted his head from Mark’s lap to look at the pair of them enquiringly.
“It’s not irrational. Who would want to put themselves through the ordeal of air travel?” Gary asked and although Mark knew part of him was being playful, he was also well aware that Gary genuinely couldn’t get his head around Mark’s lack of stress when it came to flying.
“Well you did. You didn’t have to fly to New York...” Mark began. Cadbury let out a small, doggy sniff. He knew what was going to happen; they were going to start flirting and he was going to miss what happened in the second half of Coronation Street. With a quiet whimper he pushed himself up from the sofa and padded off, leaving them to each other.
“Oh no, I really did,” Gary said after a moment’s thought. Mark grinned.
“Why’s that then?” he asked. Gary tilted his head to one side.
“Well, you know, I’d never seen Broadway, I was appallingly head over heels in love with you, I wanted to know if New York looked as flashy as it did on TV. The usual stuff,” he shrugged and Mark’s grin widened. Quietly he reached over Gary and plucked the remote from the arm of the sofa, turning the TV off. Next he reached back, picked up his packet of sweets from where Gary had been holding it hostage, popped a chocolate button into his mouth then pulled himself across to sit happily in Gary’s lap. Gary watched him a moment then smiled as Mark’s slightly-chocolaty lips curled into a smile, his hands now stroking the back of Gary’s neck.
“Appallingly in love you say?” Mark frowned, tilting his head one way then the other.
“Oh yes. Horribly, atrociously, appallingly...” Gary elaborated, but Mark just beamed at him before swiftly cutting him off with his lips. Gary only briefly had time to wonder if Cadbury would ever forgive them for abandoning the telly for the bedroom and barely a moment’s breath to ponder how exactly it was that everyone he knew still, for the most part, believed the Good Northern Lad facade.
Chapter Two
It had taken over a month for the day of the demo-recording to come into focus and, by all accounts, this was a good thing. It had taken Jason a while to get his head round things and no one liked the unsettling feeling that uncertainty could inflict upon them. But now, as February toyed with the idea of letting March in, the weeks had transformed into mere hours. Howard rolled this idea around in his head for some time and he still couldn’t decide what it meant. He wasn’t great at change either, if he was honest, but he did have a certain hopefulness to his personality that was rarely beaten. Except this time. This time he still felt a little too unsettled. He took a glance at the clock and winced. He’d come home hours ago, his eardrums still ringing from his extended set, and he really had meant to go straight to bed. But he hadn’t wanted to wake Jason up. He was already worried he’d made too much noise coming in the front door and so he’d pulled his laptop from the coffee table and settled for the sofa instead, clicking his way through his folders until he found what he was looking for. He’d been here ever since, not daring to move. He let out a long yawn, frowning a little as he heard a dull sound from somewhere in the apartment. He tensed, worried that he may have just heard a door closing and convinced he had done something to wake everyone up. Sure enough, he heard soft footsteps in the corridor then, footsteps he knew very well. He felt his good intentions shattered.
“Howard, love – what are you doing out here still?” a quiet voice asked him, the footsteps scuffling closer until he could feel Jason stood right behind him. As he looked up he came to meet with Jason’s eyes immediately and, even through a thin mist of tiredness, they were as searchingly blue as ever. His silhouette was slight in the dim light that came from the Manchester night outside the windows, his shoulders rising and falling steadily with his breaths, his strong torso criss-crossed by his folded arms and his pyjama bottoms clinging loosely to his narrow waist. For a moment Jason’s air of calm washed over Howard and held the two of them there, each looking at the other.
“Work finished late...” Howard began to mumble vaguely and Jason twisted his lips into a strained expression of barely-concealed disbelief before he bent over and wrapped his arms tightly around Howard’s shoulders, leaning their temples together and only twisting slightly from the embrace in order to place a kiss on the side of Howard’s face.
“You don’t fool me, How. You came in hours ago, I was waiting up for you. Now please, love, come to bed,” Jason sighed, still holding him tightly. Howard closed his eyes a moment, smiling as the scent of Jason’s shampoo mixed with the smell of their duvet and engulfed him.
“Sorry, I just didn’t want to wake you,” he admitted slowly. Jason pressed another kiss to the side of his face, his arms still holding Howard firmly. It was his version of ‘apology accepted’.
“What are you doing anyway?” Jason questioned and Howard pulled a face.
“Nothing, just...you know...listening to music...” he shrugged but he could tell that Jason didn’t believe a word of it. Jason’s arms slipped from around Howard’s shoulders and swiftly he had made his way round to the other side of the sofa, sitting down and pulling the laptop from Howard’s tired fingers. Howard looked down at his hands as he saw Jason begin to open the minimized windows. Picture after picture popped up; Howard’s very favourite pictures of himself and Jason with their friends and family and some just with each other. Jason smiled slightly as he looked through them, recognizing the events and moments that were captured. Then he let out a small sigh, putting the laptop down on the coffee table and curling into Howard’s side, linking both his arms through Howard’s before resting his head against his shoulder.
“I’m right here, How,” he reminded gently and Howard sank a little against the cushions, looking down at Jason’s slim figure, pressed closely to his own body. Jason’s eyes were closed now and Howard could feel his heartbeat against his arm.
“I’m sorry, love, I’m sorry...I just...I just don’t want to hurt you...” Howard said quietly. Jason was just so precious – and precious things were so breakable for someone as clumsy as him. Jason frowned slightly but he didn’t open his eyes.
“I don’t mind when you wake me up, How. I enjoy being by your side, regardless of the time of night,” Jason told him sleepily, his grip on Howard’s arm tightening briefly.
“You say that...” Howard began but Jason, on the verge of tumbling back to sleep though he was, shook his head with a sleepy noise of protest.
“Howard; I am right here because I want to be,” he mumbled, his lips barely moving under the weight of sleep as it finally took him over.
Howard stayed there watching Jason sleep for longer than was strictly necessary. He still listened to his heartbeat, steady and soft against his arm, and he wondered to himself what happy accident in his life could ever have lead to that heartbeat being surrendered to him. He wasn’t a great believer in fate or destiny, he didn’t really even believe in love at first sight. But he knew that something had somehow pulled him into Barlow’s Music Shop all that time ago. He had been drawn to the dusty red sign, the shabby gold script of the letters, the dim oddity of its window display. But he had been drawn to it for no good reason; he didn’t shop in that kind of place. But then there was Jason. Jason changed the way he thought of Barlow’s. He had never expected someone like Jason to work there and yet he had belonged. And the more time Howard had spent considering it, he’d begun to feel a certain amount of belonging himself. The musty, friendly, golden glow that permeated the air, hid behind the instruments, sat atop the shelves of songbooks and perched on the staircase...it was that that must have been pulling him in all along. But still he couldn’t quite think of it as fate or destiny or planets aligning or any of that stuff. Perhaps there was some magnetic pull that emanated from Barlow’s, but the fact that that pull had brought him to Jason? That had to just be some brilliant coincidence he had stumbled into. Because, although he wouldn’t go as far as saying it had been love at first sight, it had certainly been fascination at first sight. As soon as those bright blue eyes had fixed on him he’d been lost in trying to know Jason Orange. He just wanted to listen to him, to know him, to find out why he couldn’t take his eyes off him. It had been nothing but a bonus that Jason had been so handsome, something to look at whilst he tried to start a conversation. He had never expected to fall in love. He’d tripped along the way to knowing him – that was how he fell head first. After all these flukes and chances he had somehow ended up here; Jason asleep in his arms, his heartbeat in his hands. He planted a kiss on the top of Jason’s head and Jason stirred in his sleep, burying himself even closer to Howard.
Eventually, Howard led Jason to bed, half-carrying him before helping him under the covers. He placed one last kiss on his forehead before he got in himself, pulling Jason close to his chest and holding on tight. When he woke up in the morning, he knew he would have awful pins and needles, that was if he could feel his arms at all. But he needed to hold Jason close.
***
Gary and Cadbury both jumped slightly as a bright blur of energy skidded into the kitchen; a skitter of six different scarves, a selection of hats and several waistcoats and cardigans appearing before them, sending an extra-large tube of Smarties tumbling from a kitchen counter. As tiny orbs of chocolate bounced everywhere, Mark’s face appeared from behind the bundle of clothes, his grin bright and wide and his eyes a giddy shade of grey-green that caught the light.
“Morning!” he beamed, not noticing the fact that their Labrador was being bombarded by a hailstorm of Smarties. Gary put down his tea and his biscuit and surveyed the chaos. Behind Mark was a trail of clothing and in front of him a trail of chocolate and yet, for some reason, he could only laugh and shake his head. He should be more annoyed, especially at this time of the morning. But how could anyone really get annoyed with Mark?
“Morning,” he nodded slowly, pushing himself out of his chair and grabbing the biscuit tin before Mark could send that flying too.
“I’m so excited,” Mark replied, jumping slightly, his shoes scuffling against the kitchen tiles. He didn’t seem to have noticed the trail of chaos he was causing and Gary couldn’t quite bring himself to point it out, although he wasn’t looking forward to picking up the Smarties.
“You’d never guess, Marko. Now, is there any reason you’ve got half of your wardrobe in your arms...and the other half on the floor...” he asked, raising an eyebrow. Mark shrugged.
“Outfit planning,” he said brightly and Gary nodded, getting himself a couple of extra biscuits from the tin. He could tell he was going to need all the tea and biscuits he could find if he was going to come close to keeping up with Mark today.
“You do know Jonathan said he wants a demo...he didn’t say fashion show...” he pointed out, trying to suppress the smile on his lips. Mark let out a small whine of protest, lobbing at hat in Gary’s general direction and seeming pleased with himself when it landed squarely over the top of Gary’s mug. Gary jumped back from it slightly, almost dropping his biscuit, and Mark could have sworn he saw Cadbury roll his eyes at the pair of them from his place in the middle of the Sea of Smarties.
“I’m trying to find the ultimate in hat-scarf-waistcoat combination. Or maybe hat-shoe-cardigan combination. Or maybe scarf-shoe...” Mark began to inform Gary and Gary waved his biscuit at him.
“Alright, I get the picture. Now come and sit down and give me a good morning kiss would you,” he sighed pleadingly, feeling tired just watching Mark. Mark smiled at him and casually dropped his pile of clothes in the middle of the doorway, coming to join Gary at the kitchen table, planting a lingering kiss on his lips. When he pulled back he licked his lips and tilted his head to one side.
“Hmm...biscuity...” he nodded thoughtfully before hopping up again, pulling a packet of Flying Saucers from a cupboard and breezing off, leaving the heap of clothes where he’d dropped it. Cadbury gave Gary a look; well don’t look at me, you knew what he was like when you married him! Gary sighed and shook his head before pushing himself up from his chair and following the trail of clothes back to where Mark was once again digging through his wardrobe.
“Marko; you have half an hour. To tidy as well as to dress,” he remarked, receiving a cardigan to the face for his troubles.
***
“How’s the arm?” Jason asked gently, his arms snaking around Howard’s waist from behind as he planted an affection kiss in the crook of his neck. Howard chuckled softly.
“Um...just about getting blood back into it I think,” he smiled, enjoying the feeling of Jason’s arms keeping them firmly pressed together.
“Glad to hear it, maybe that’ll teach you to just come straight to bed in future” Jason smiled, giving Howard another kiss before resting his chin on his shoulder.
“Mm, wouldn’t count on it,” Howard said and Jason gave him a playful slap of reprimand before moving back towards the oven, checking on the state of breakfast.
“You’re an idiot,” he remarked casually as he began pouring his cereal.
“So you keep telling me,” Howard grinned, putting down the pile of mail he had been reading and pulling himself onto a stool at the breakfast bar. Jason shrugged, pointing a spoon at Howard accusingly, his smile refreshingly carefree.
“Ah, well that’s because you need telling,” he informed Howard before darting back to tend to Howard’s omelette, deserting his bowl of cereal on the kitchen counter.
“I don’t care if it makes me an idiot, I just want to hold you,” Howard shot back and Jason glanced across at him affectionately as he fished out a plate for the omelette.
“For a man who claims to be useless with words, you can be very sweet sometimes,” he said softly before turning back to what he was doing. Howard couldn’t hide the touch of pride that that added to his already broad grin. There was just something about waking up with Jason in his arms that put him in a good mood, dead arm or not.
“Is the grub done yet, I’m starving,” he said suddenly and Jason laughed at him, rolling his eyes.
“Poetically put, love,” he sighed teasingly before placing a plate of food in front of Howard and giving him a kiss on the cheek.
“You’re a saint,” Howard beamed, mouth full of food, as Jason busied himself in the living room.
“Mm, I believe the church are working on making it official. Have you seen my laptop bag anywhere? I’m not going to this bloody thing if I can’t take my laptop with me,” Jason called back, putting his hands on his hips and frowning.
“Oo, did you just downgrade it from ‘ordeal’ to ‘bloody thing’? You’ve come a long way, love,” Howard chuckled and Jason shot him a withering look as he returned to the breakfast bar.
“I’m laughing inside, I swear,” he deadpanned, giving Howard yet another kiss before striding off down the corridor in search of his laptop bag.
Just as Howard was about to pick up his letters again (which he hadn’t properly sorted through for weeks now) his phone began to ring and he began patting at his many pockets until he got to it.
“Morning, Lucky Bastard! How do you feel about Denmark?” the voice on the other end half-bellowed at him and he frowned. He only knew one person who would start a conversation that way, but why Crystal would be calling him this early in the day he couldn’t fathom.
“Morning, Crystal. Denmark? I dunno. Um...pastries...pickled herring...Lego...bacon...BEER! Beer. Yes, beer,” Howard nodded, pleased with his summary. Crystal laughed brightly.
“No, idiot! I meant how’d you like to DJ at a major launch there. New club opening. Right in the middle of Copenhagen. More Carlsberg than you’ll know what to do with?” Crystal tried and Howard chuckled, shaking his head at her slightly.
“Sounds like a laugh – but are you switching nations on me? You’re my little German intelligence agent! What’s going on?!” he asked and Crystal made a strange clicking noise with her tongue.
“You know the place I work at is part of a major European chain don’t you? Well anyway, it is. And they’re opening up in Denmark for the first time ever, but one of their DJs has pulled out. They need someone who has already made a name for himself in Europe but who isn’t so popular he’ll break the bank to come and cover them over the opening weekend. I’m going over on a mini-holiday with some mates, just for the launch weekend, and I thought you might like to join me...maybe bring your husband, I’ll take good care of him whilst you’re working,” Crystal told him.
“You’re selling it to me. What’s the catch?” Howard sighed and Crystal muttered a couple of German curses to herself, annoyed that he could read her so easily.
“Well...it’s this Friday...” she said slowly and Howard widened his eyes.
“As in tomorrow night Friday? As in get on a plane this afternoon to be able to set up in time Friday?!” he questioned her. Crystal muttered something else in German.
“Yes. But they’re willing to pay extra coz of the last minute thing. Oh please come Howard, it’ll be amazing,” she pleaded and Howard wavered slightly. He glanced down the corridor in the direction Jason had disappeared to.
“You owe me several hundred Carlsbergs when I get there,” he sighed and he just had time to hear Crystal shriek a delighted ‘Thank you’ before he hung up.
With immaculate timing, Jason chose that moment to reappear from their bedroom, laptop bag in hand. Grace too emerged from her own room, following Jason and moaning to him about the teachers she would have to put up with that day, swinging her school bag in mild protest as she went. Jason simply smiled at her and pointed her in the direction of the food waiting for her on the breakfast bar before coming over to Howard waving the laptop bag.
“I knew you’d had it. Please, How, if you love me, stop using my laptop bag!” he scolded gently, going over to put his laptop into the case, throwing in a few extra essentials and then scooping up a fancy envelope from on the kitchen worktop.
“Right, I’m off to post my dad’s card and then I need to see Justin about the party arrangements for the weekend...” he began and Howard looked up at him in surprise.
“This weekend?” he asked and Jason rolled his eyes.
“Yes, love, it has been on the calendar since the New Year. Why, you weren’t planning anything were you?” he asked, trying to subdue his affectionate smile.
“Nothing you need to worry about,” Howard shrugged, suddenly interested in his fork.
“Ok, well I’ll see you for this damn demo thing later then. Have fun with Miss Peters, ok Grace? Remember, she’s more scared of you than you are of her,” Jason grinned and Grace pouted.
“That’s spiders not teachers,” she sighed but she couldn’t help but laugh slightly.
“If you say so. See if your dad is any softer than me in letting you skive if you like, but I can’t see it happening,” Jason replied with a shrug and Grace sighed dramatically.
“Neither can I,” she said through a forkful of food.
“Bye, love,” Jason added, giving Howard one last kiss on the cheek before quickly moving over to the door and leaving the apartment.
***
Gary and Mark had been having so much fun playing with buttons and instruments and fancy microphones that they’d hardly noticed Howard’s absence. Jason, however, was not so lucky and had instead spent a good half an hour trying to contact his husband but had yet to have any success. As he shoved his phone back into his pocket for what felt like the millionth time, the situation finally seemed to concern Mark and Gary and they came over to sit with him, their expressions nervous.
“Still no luck?” Mark asked, biting his lip. Jason shrugged.
“His phone’s off,” he muttered, his shoulders tense.
“You don’t think something’s wrong do you?” Gary asked tentatively, his features slipping into a slight frown of concern. Jason laughed a mildly hollow laugh, shaking his head.
“Oh no, nothing’s wrong. He’s just...he’s...urgh! That bloody man,” he muttered and Mark and Gary exchanged a worried glance. Mark slid down onto the small sofa and put a hand on Jason’s shoulder whilst Gary perched himself on the arm of the sofa on Jason’s other side.
“Jay are you sure nothing’s wrong...” Mark began carefully and Jason smiled at him softly.
“I’m sure. It’s just...well...he’s been in such a weird mood lately. And now this? This is just another in a long line of his mysterious disappearances. He tries to cause as little fuss as possible, the whole time failing to realise that that’s what’s causing the fuss. I married an idiot,” he sighed, tipping his head back and closing his eyes. Mark and Gary looked at each other again, Mark’s face pleading with Gary for some sort of lifeline. But Gary couldn’t help. He’d known Jason almost half of his life and in that time the two of them had helped each other through every bad scrape. But this was different somehow. This was some sort of weird non-problem; Howard wasn’t hurting Jason exactly, but Jason didn’t feel comfortable with the state of things either.
“How about...how about we do as much as we can without him and then he can do all his stuff in the session we’ve got booked next week. He can make it up to us by getting all the tea as well,” Gary sighed at last and Jason smiled a reassuringly genuine smile at him.
“He owes you biscuits you know,” he said and Gary nodded solemnly.
“Many, many biscuits...” he agreed and Mark chuckled.
“Only if I get something out of it too,” he put in cheekily and Jason rolled his eyes at him.
“Let me guess; chocolate? Sweets? Sugar? Oh wait...clothes!” he sighed playfully.
“All of the above!” Mark beamed brightly before jumping up from his place on the sofa and going to tell the studio technicians that they were ready. As he whirled off in a flurry of anticipation, Gary looked down at Jason who silently met his gaze.
“You are incredibly resilient, you know that Jay?” he sighed after a moment, thinking of all the things Jason bounced back from, all the things he could put up with without snapping. Jason shrugged at the comment and shook his head, looking down at his hands.
“Don’t say it like that, Gaz. I’m not a miracle worker, no matter what you might think. Even my patience will have to wear someday,” he said quietly and with that he stood, following Mark and leaving Gary to frown to himself, sure that those words should concern him but not sure why.
***
As soon Jason as stepped in through the front door he knew Howard wasn’t there. He couldn’t explain why he knew, he just did. His first instinct was to check the answering machine for messages, so, dumping his keys on the coffee table as he went, he moved over to the desk. The phone flashed up that there were two messages. He pressed the play button then turned to his laptop bag, fishing out his laptop and putting it back amidst the sea of framed photographs that littered his desk area.
“Jay! Jay!! I know you’re there and just avoiding your twin brother for the sake of annoyance! No? Really? Oh. Ok. Well, anyway, I’ve taken it upon myself to be the sibling who takes responsibility for dad this weekend. Spare room’s been made up for him, it’s fine. I know there’s no room at yours and none of the rest are going to do it...so, yeah, I’ll bring him, I’ll put him up for the night and then I’ll take him back. Remember; it’s gonna be a proper Orange family knees-up, so don’t forget to set aside some money for your taxi home. Look, I can’t be arsed to try your mobile...just call me later instead, yeah?” Justin’s voice sparked slightly through the peace of the apartment and Jason rolled his eyes, chuckling. His dad’s birthday celebrations had become the family’s big project for the year; everyone else’s birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, christenings and whatever else were being cast aside. Or, Jason supposed, an alternative way to look at it was that they were all being celebrated in one go. It happened every year, and Jason and Justin always seemed to end up being the pair who had to organise it. When you had a family that extended out so broadly, you needed to pick one date when you knew everyone was available to be in one place at one time – it just wouldn’t be feasible more than once – and this year their dad was the one whose birthday had been chosen. Jason grabbed up a pen and a pad of paper from the desk and noted down that he had to call Justin, then reached over to play the next message.
“Jason? It’s your mum. Don’t panic! Everything and everyone is fine, I promise. I’m just ringing to invite you and Howard to Sunday lunch this weekend. I know you’ll be hung-over from the do for your dad but I haven’t seen you in far too long and I would like to see for myself that you’re doing ok. Well, anyway, you ring me sweetheart. I promise not to make any prodigal son remarks! My love to Gary and Mark. Oh and little Grace too! Bye!” his mum’s voice, though not the voice he had wanted to hear, made him smile slightly and he scribbled another note to himself before putting down the pad and paper and surveying the apartment for any sign of Howard’s explanation.
His phone was still not getting answered, he’d tried it again on his way upstairs. He hadn’t called the house, it was only family that ever did anyway. Surely he would have at least left a note?
“Howard Donald, you...” Jason began in agitation, and then he spotted it; a scrap of paper lying on the breakfast bar, weighed down by an empty coffee mug. Jason was across the room so swiftly he almost knocked the mug over as he pulled himself onto a stool in order to read the note. Howard’s scrawled handwriting formed what Jason could only describe as an apologetic explanation: ‘Before you screw this up and swear about me, can I just explain? Love, I am so sorry about this. The thing is, I got a job. A really well paid one, in Denmark of all places. Crystal phoned to tell me about it and I couldn’t say no, I just couldn’t, and now I’m going to be gone all weekend. I was going to tell you, love, but time got away from me. By the time I’d dropped off Grace and looked up flights there was only one I would have time to get to and all I would have time to do would be chuck some things in a bag and write you a note. I’d have called but my phone’s dead and I feel awful. I’m so sorry about missing your dad’s party, I know how important it was to you that we both go and I’m a total git but please forgive me? I’ll call when my phone’s charged. I’ll call every day. Twice. Ok? I am sorry, love I swear. Feel free to screw this up and swear about me now. I love you. Howard.xxx’ Despite himself Jason smiled at that. But he couldn’t quite bring himself to completely forgive Howard at the particular moment. After all, he didn’t have to take the job. And Howard had known how important the party was because, for reasons Jason was at a loss to explain himself, his and his dad’s relationship had gone through some strained years in the past and he was forever trying to make it up. Jason found he was caught between wanting to scream and shout and wanting to curl up under his duvet and have a little bit of a self-pitying cry. Yet, at the same time, he couldn’t help but wonder if he really did want to do either of those things or if it was just some ridiculousness within him that he should ignore. He decided the best way to suppress it was to phone his brother back.
“He’s buggered off,” Jason said bluntly as he heard the click of his brother answering his phone, not giving him time to get his own greeting in. Justin paused a moment and Jason could hear the baffled note in the silence between them.
“Howard’s left you?” Justin asked cautiously and Jason pulled a face.
“For the weekend, without consulting me; yes. For good? I bloody hope not. He didn’t sound like he was leaving me in his note anyway,” he sighed, taking himself over to the armchair and sitting down.
“Ah...well, was the note grovelling enough?” Justin asked and Jason laughed.
“I guess. I’m still a bit pissed off mind you. He says he’ll call when his phone’s charged but I’m not holding my breath, I know what he’s like when he’s at these things, he can’t keep any notion in his head for more than ten seconds,” he said with a shake of his head.
“Mm, well you’ll just have to phone him then. Dad won’t notice at least, if you’re worried about the weekend that is,” Justin offered and Jason chuckled.
“That’s because, despite the fact we are neither identical nor easy to confuse, dad has always struggled to tell us apart. It’s his own unique talent. Meaning, therefore, that our spouses haven’t got a hope in hell,” he smiled and Justin laughed.
“You could bring anyone with you and just tell him it’s Howard. Seriously. Bring Gary or Mark or someone and it won’t make a scrap of difference...” Justin agreed, then he paused and Jason frowned slightly, wondering what was wrong.
“What is it?” he asked after a beat and Justin sighed.
“Look, you are ok aren’t you? You’re not just passing yourself off as alright but absolutely dying inside? Because if that’s the case then can you please save yourself a bit of pain and just be honest about it? Oh – and call someone else. I don’t do emotional stuff,” he said and Jason smiled.
“I swear to you I’m not dying inside. A little pissed off, a little upset, but nothing a nice rant down the phone at my husband won’t fix. You can stop panicking now, your duty to your twin is over,” he grinned and Justin let out a breath.
“Good.Oh, by the way, did mum ring you?” he asked and Jason smirked.
“Yeah. She promise you the ‘no prodigal son’ remarks too? We should go, even if we are hung-over. She worries about us you know,” he shrugged.
“So that’s where you get it from! Anyway, I’ll talk to you later, Jay, yeah? Enjoy ranting at your husband,” Justin told him before hanging up. Jason sighed and put the phone down, glancing briefly at the clock. Grace had choir practice tonight so she’d be out later than usual, but if he was going to beat the traffic he should probably head off now.
“Sure, I’ll break the news to your daughter that you’ve gone to get drunk on Carlsberg and fatten up on pastry, that’s just wonderful” he muttered with a roll of his eyes before grabbing up his keys and heading out of the door.
***
“Welcome to Denmark!” Crystal exclaimed, rushing towards Howard with her arms wide open, drawing the attention of half the airport to her as he appeared in the arrivals area. She stuck out like a sore thumb; her amber hair littered with a million different flashes of sparkly hairclips, her clothes so many different shades of neon that Howard felt sure you’d need sunglasses to look directly at her. Her tasselled bag flew out behind her as she ran, fluff and sequins falling off it left right and centre. He laughed as she bounded up to him, throwing her arms around him dramatically.
“Good to be here, now where’s that beer I was promised?” he joked and she gave him a playful thump to the chest as they began to move towards the taxi rank.
“Give me a chance, Donald!” she smiled before stopping suddenly and turning to him.
“What?” he frowned and Crystal bit her lip.
“Look, Jason is ok with this isn’t he? Even though he can’t come? Even though it’s his dad’s birthday party you say you’re missing by being here?!” she asked, hands on her hips. Crystal meant business when she put her hands on her hips and Howard had no doubt that if his answer didn’t please her or even if she suspected him to be lying to her then she would begin yelling things at him in a torrent of German whilst marching him around to departures and booking him onto the first plane back, refusing to even lower herself to saying goodbye to him, just continuing to yell out German insults at him until he disappeared through security.
“Crystal! What do you take me for?” he sighed and Crystal narrowed her eyes at him.
“I’m serious, Howard! And I meant what I said on the phone the other day. You’re crazy enough about this guy to have married him, and for some reason he actually agreed with the plan himself! Now that, that has got to be love. I wouldn’t marry you!” she pointed out sharply.
“Crystal...” Howard began but she waved a finger at him so he promptly stopped.
“No! Listen to me. You love him, a hell of a lot. And I’m guessing he’s equally crazy for you – he looked it, although, granted, it was his wedding day when I saw him...but still. If you screw this one up, it’ll mean two very badly broken hearts. Who knows, maybe you won’t get any chances to fix it either! Life’s a bitch that way, broken things can’t always be put back together. So just promise me you have thought coming on this trip through carefully, ok?” she demanded. Howard nodded.
“I have thought it through, Crystal, honestly. And in any case, if I’m over here then I can’t commit any monumental acts of stupidity back there can I? A whole weekend guaranteed of not screwing it up,” he smiled and Crystal relented at that, beginning to move off again.
“Ok. But I’m warning you now – if he kicks you out and you decide to finally take the plunge and come and live in Germany, I’m not putting you up. I will not forgive you if you ruin this you know! And no, it’s not coz I fancy Jason. I do fancy him, but that’s not the reason I’m saying all this. The actual reason is; I think you’d be an idiot to throw away what you’ve got with him. Now, let’s get ourselves to the hotel, shall we?” she said, fixing him with a stern glance.
“Crystal you are too good to me,” Howard smiled and Crystal nodded her agreement before shoving him into the first taxi she saw.
***
“Everyone knows that a good outfit is a good investment, Gaz,” Mark insisted as he tied Cadbury up outside the corner shop. Gary laughed, shaking his head, holding open the shop door and ushering Mark inside. They’d been having this discussion for the entire walk and Gary was out of arguments.
“Ok, fine, I believe you. But when we don’t have enough money for food, I hope you don’t mind me eating your shoes,” he shrugged and Mark looked genuinely horrified.
“You are not eating my shoes! I’ll just have to get someone I know to buy the outfit for me...it can be an anniversary present. After all, it’s coming up for our anniversary isn’t it?” he said after a pause.
“Got to get through Jason and Howard’s anniversary first – Jay won’t expect a card but he’ll damn sure get us one and I’m not having that sort of inequality thank you very much,” Gary told him, twisting his lips into a peculiar shape as he made a mental note to buy a card and make sure it was written out in time. Mark’s face had also clouded a little and he began to bite at his bottom lip.
“Howard and Jay are ok aren’t they...I mean...there’s not anything going on that Jay isn’t telling us about?” he asked cautiously and Gary let out a long sigh. He still hadn’t got over that worrying note in Jason’s tone earlier in the day. Although he had to admit, when he’d called to check everything was ok, Jason had sounded much brighter, despite the fact his husband had hopped on a plane with little more than a scribbled apology.
“Aside from Howard running away to Scandinavia you mean?” he asked, picking up essentials as they walked before finally casting his eyes on the biscuits section. Would he be daring this week and switch brands? Who was he kidding?! He reached for the McVities digestives, only to have his hand swatted back by an indignant Mark.
“Oh so your non-essentials are allowed!” he pouted and Gary laughed.
“Biscuits are cheaper than designer outfits,” he pointed out and Mark pulled a face.
“You could at least get some variety...how about these?” he offered and Gary looked appalled.
“Jam rings in tea?! Where is your sense of all that’s wholesome about the humble McVities?!” he questioned and Mark would have laughed, if he hadn’t known how serious Gary was.
“Fine, but I’m getting ice cream in that case. And marshmallows,” he put in.
“Ice cream?! It’s February! And freezing! It was snowing last Monday!!” Gary protested. Mark shrugged, giving Gary his sweetest smile.
“So? I want ice cream. Now, where were we?” he frowned and Gary thought a moment.
“Howard running away to Scandinavia,” he reminded Mark quietly. The truth was it did worry him, a lot more than he was willing to let on. Gary Barlow was not a man to take the task of friendship lightly, he knew exactly what it meant, understood the rules and values that it came with and the significant responsibilities it gave you. Friendship like his and Jason’s could provide him with a place to keep his secrets, somewhere to unload his woes, complete understanding in almost any situation and on-call interesting conversation with a dash of laughter for good measure. But Gary was a firm believer in earning such honours. It troubled him that in this instance, he hadn’t a clue what to say to try and help. Jason was angry but not devastated...and yet, shouldn’t he be? Shouldn’t he be throwing things or chucking Howard’s belongings out of windows? Gary was at a loss.
“So you think they are ok then?” Mark asked and Gary shrugged.
“Honestly? I don’t know. But Jason’s a tough cookie, I think it’ll take more than this to crack him. Besides, they could use the money, the rent on their place went up last month you know,” he said and Mark narrowed his eyes at him.
“Did you just call Jason a tough cookie?” he asked and Gary frowned.
“Yes...but...” he began but Mark just laughed brightly, hopping swiftly towards the counter.
“Again with the biscuits!” he beamed and Gary rolled his eyes, beginning to hand things to the shop assistant before pulling out his wallet.
“It’s an expression, Mark!” he defended, though he knew it was futile and Mark continued to giggle, even as they were untying Cadbury and walking home. It was just one of those nights, he supposed.
***
“We nearly ended up in Sweden!” Crystal announced overdramatically as she threw open the hotel room door and Howard rolled his eyes in amusement. In the room sat a gaggle of Crystal’s friends and whilst Crystal relayed her heavily embellished story to the main group, Howard made a beeline for a man stood a little apart from the others, leaning next to the room’s mini-fridge. Their little group consisted of six people, including himself and Crystal. A French girl named Eloise who worked with Crystal and her Irish boyfriend Glenn, Crystal’s best friend since school, Angelica, and then an old friend of Howard’s called Milton who used to play Manchester pubs before befriending Howard, taking a trip to Germany with him and ending up a regular in the orchestras of many Berlin shows, becoming bosom pals with Crystal along the way. Since Glenn was mad, Eloise disliked him and Angelica seemed engrossed in Crystal’s vastly exaggerated tale of their taxi journey from the airport, Howard was glad to see such a familiar face and Milton seemed equally relieved to see him, grabbing his hand for a firm handshake of hello, his eyes glinting brightly.
“Mate! How’s life treating you? How’s the Manchester pub circuit doing without me?” Milton asked him and Howard grinned, rolling his eyes.
“Dying without you, mate. But I’m doing ok. How about you?” he replied.
“Oh you know, same old. How’s Grace? And Jason?” Milton smiled. Howard pulled a face.
“They were good...until I put my foot in it at least. I may have killed their weekend. Don’t tell Crystal this but...I didn’t exactly get permission to ditch them for this,” he admitted and Milton raised an eyebrow, shaking his head slightly.
“Howard Donald you’re a regular scoundrel! But I won’t tell Crystal. Last time I got on her bad side it was not pretty, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. She’s got your best interests at heart though, How – everyone who knows you knows that Jason has been one of the most amazing things to ever happen to you. Me and Crystal had been telling you for ages you weren’t as energised as you used to be and then all of a sudden he came along and you just started to light up!” Milton reminded him.
“Don’t worry, I get it. Crystal is kind of like my guard dog...and sometimes it’s actually me sabotaging myself so...” he began and Milton chuckled.
“So she attacks you to defend you. Yeah, she’s good at that. Anyway, you fancy escaping this lot? I’ll go and help you set up if you like?” he offered and Howard smiled.
“Definitely. Although Crystal will follow us, you do realise that,” he pointed out. Milton looked at him carefully, narrowing his eyes slightly.
“Why? You giving her a reason to attack you?” he questioned, hitting Howard with a sudden wave of guilt. He still shook his head, however, and as he and Milton slipped out silently he reminded himself that he had to call Jason later. After all, he couldn’t risk doing anything else wrong this weekend, he had to at least manage to keep his promises.
***
As Izzy and Grace walked out of choir practice, Grace was still trying to get Izzy’s expert opinion on the best outfit to wear to Jason’s dad’s party. She was trying and failing to get across the point that whatever she wore couldn’t be too fancy as she and her mum had a long car journey that evening to go and see her grandparents for Sunday lunch when suddenly Izzy elbowed her sharply in the side.
“I thought you said your dad was picking you up tonight...” she frowned, nodding her head in the direction she wanted Grace to look. Grace looked up, trying to work out what Izzy was fussing about when she spotted Jason’s car, Jason leaning against it as he always did, staring down at his mobile with ominous intensity.
“That’s what I thought. Seriously Izzy, never have a DJ for a dad. I love my dad, don’t get me wrong. But is he ever in the place he says he will be?!” she laughed and Izzy grinned at her.
“Yeah well, you’ve got a nice back-up at least. Look, I need to run. See you tomorrow though!” Izzy smiled before dashing off. Grace called out her goodbye before rushing over to where Jason was still staring at his phone as if he was trying to will it into ringing.
“Hey kiddo,” Jason said as Grace came up to him and she smiled back at him warmly.
“Hey Jay – no offence to you or anything but where’s dad?” she asked and Jason laughed dryly.
“Oh just preparing to entertain the good people of Copenhagen tomorrow night. He got on a flight this afternoon...he promises to call but...” he shrugged and Grace rolled her eyes.
“Dad and organisation don’t mix?” she suggested and Jason nodded.
“I beginning to think that,” he said tiredly and that made Grace frown. What was that supposed to mean?! She tried to brush it off, climbing into the car and beginning to relay to Jason everything that had happened at school that day. But it still kept nagging at her.
The only thing that truly reassured her was the fact that Jason didn’t seem unusually quiet, in fact he was just as chatty as ever. He talked to her about his day in the studio, listened to her stories of her adventures with Izzy and Chris that day and even had a brief discussion with her about what her dad would be getting up to in Denmark. And yet she still couldn’t quite relax. She knew that, in so many ways, her dad and Jason were completely unmatched. Jason was tidy, her dad was a mess. Jason was organized, her dad was chaotic. Jason didn’t lose things, her dad would lose his own head if it wasn’t screwed on. Jason always thought everything through, her dad had a tendency to be impulsive. The list went on but it had never seemed to bother them that much. They just...worked around each other. In many ways she’d always thought that their differences somehow made them mesh, as if they were some crazy-beautiful jigsaw puzzle. Besides which, any idiot could tell they loved each other. Even when they were insulting each other the affection behind it was overwhelming. Jason would call her dad an idiot and her dad would call Jason evil and then they would give each other these glances that only they understood and then they’d kiss and Grace would declare them both disgusting. That was just how things worked. And it hadn’t exactly changed recently. It had been happening that morning over breakfast. God, it always had to happen over breakfast! If Grace didn’t appreciate the love which caused it so much, then the kissing over breakfast thing would probably be enough to make her take the plunge and move to London with her mum. Maybe. But she put up with it because the banter was funny and the love was tangible and it was just nice to be around them when all they ever seemed to do together was generate good vibes. They were spookily in sync and, above all, they were honest with each other. If her dad did something stupid, Jason would tell him, in no uncertain terms, and her dad would moan and maybe they would even argue for a little bit, but then they would take a step back and apologise and smile and then it was all over...and there’d probably be twice as much kissing over breakfast than usual the next day. Had the rules changed somewhere along the line? Was Jason no longer telling her dad when he was doing something stupid? Or was Jason just not sure what her dad was up to?
All night Jason watched the phone, one eye trained on it at any given time. It only made Grace wonder all the more and when it finally rang and a shudder of relief went through the entire apartment. Jason grabbed it up in seconds and Grace scrambled to mute the TV.
“You’re a complete git, you know that?” Jason answered bluntly and Grace stifled a laugh.
“I’m sorry. I am. I swear. I know I’m a stupid bastard but...ok, I don’t really have a plus point. But please, please don’t hate me, love, I hate when you hate me,” Howard pleaded and Jason sighed.
“I don’t hate you, How.”
“I hate when you don’t like me then.”
“Well then maybe you shouldn’t go running off to Denmark at the drop of a hat,” he remarked pointedly but Howard could tell he wasn’t as cross as he could have been.
“I’ll bring you back a pastry?” he offered hopefully and he could hear Jason suppressing a smile.
“Make it two and I might consider forgiving you. But only consider it. I’m serious Howard, I love you, but you aren’t half testing my patience these days. I mean, this isn’t your first mysterious disappearance. If you want to avoid me for some reason then avoid me, but warn me first, ok? Maybe even think of telling me why,” he demanded, his voice still sharp. It made Howard wince.
“God, Jay, no, I don’t want to avoid you I just...oh I don’t know. Jay, I’m sorry. I am. I’m more than sorry. I do love you, you know. So much, you have no idea...” he trailed off. Jason narrowed his eyes a little, trying to work out what was really on Howard’s mind and failing.
“What’s got into you, Howard? What’s getting to you so much you don’t think you can lay eyes on me without hurting me? Coz I’ve got news for you, the not laying eyes on me thing hurts me more than if you slapped me in the face so...” Jason sighed, his voice suddenly scarily soft.
“Jay...” Howard’s voice lurched pleadingly and Jason pursed his lips.
“No, look, it’s fine Howard. Can we just drop this now?” he said tightly. Howard felt awful hearing the defeated note in Jason’s voice.
“You don’t sound like it’s fine...” he began tentatively and Jason let out a long sigh.
“No. Honestly. It is. I know you’re sorry, I know you love me. Just...no more, ok love? Because you’re beginning to worry me,” he told him and this time he sounded like he meant it.
“I’m sorry...again...look, I don’t mean to worry you. I guess I just try so hard not to worry you that I end up doing the opposite. You know what I’m like,” Howard said and Jason smiled slightly.
“Yeah, I do. And you’re a hopeless case. But, for the record, I love you too. And I’d love you even more if you’d just believe me,” he murmured and Howard knew it was almost ok again when he heard that. It was almost banter now. Grace could feel it too, even with only half of the conversation she could still feel the return to something less serious, less scary. From her place on the sofa she let out a breath, sinking back against the cushions before casting a glance at Jason out of the corner of her eye, making sure he thought she was still glued to the TV, even if it was muted.
“Thank you,” Howard whispered earnestly.
“What for?” Jason asked, his eyes scanning the Manchester evening that was shimmering away outside.
“For forgiving me. For loving me. Actually scratch that; for putting up with me,” Howard smiled. Jason smiled too, shaking his head.
“It’s a two way thing,” he replied and Howard let out a breath he’d been holding since the conversation had started.
“How was the studio?” he asked tentatively.
“The world didn’t end. Mark and Gary are over the moon and that’s all I’m really bothered about....I miss you already, come home,” Jason said suddenly, taking Howard by surprise a little.
“I’ll be home by Sunday afternoon...” he began but Jason pulled a face.
“Yeah well, I’ll just have to take your word for that, however unreliable it is. Do you want to talk to your daughter?” he interrupted and Howard could only say yes in response. Of course he wanted to talk to Grace, but he had a nagging feeling that his and Jason’s conversation was somehow not over.
***
“Mornin’, I wasn’t expecting you to be in today,” Gary remarked, looking up from the crossword he and Mike were working on as Jason entered the shop. Jason laughed, shrugging off his coat.
“What, because my husband decided to trade me in for all the Carlsberg he can drink? It takes a bit more than that to stop me, Gaz. I would have been in earlier but I’d got the school run to do,” he smiled and Gary couldn’t help but smile back. Jason’s apparent good mood was unexpected, but it lifted a weight off his shoulders nonetheless.
“Good to know you’re not too distraught then. I have to say, it’s a relief to see you’re not shouting from the rooftops, beating your fist over your heart a lot and making dramatic declarations that ‘Love ain’t here anymore’ and the like,” Gary acknowledged and Jason raised an eyebrow.
“Gaz, what are you on about? Is that a song or something?!” he frowned and Gary paused.
“No...no, but it should be. Mark! Could you get me a pen and paper please?” he called out.
“What am I? Your slave?! I’ve got me hands full with the tea!” Mark called back quickly and Jason and Mike exchanged an amused glance.
“Alright, alright...piano. I need a piano...but first, think...think...” Gary muttered, distracted. Mike simply rolled his eyes then turned to Jason, waving the newspaper vaguely.
“Fancy helping us with sixteen across?” he asked, chewing the end of his pencil and Jason narrowed his eyes at Mike and Gary before folding his arms.
“That depends; have you bought that saxophone yet?!” he demanded and Gary and Mike both paused. Gary took a longing glance at his pianos and Mike grinned mischievously.
“Maybe, maybe I was just waiting to hear about my regular’s discount,” he suggested.
“Come on, Mike, you’ve had your eye on it for weeks – you should take the plunge. Would it help if I told you that you’re one of the most dazzling saxophonists I’ve ever met?” Jason charmed.
“I suppose it helps a little, yes. Tell me though, how many saxophonists have you been spending time with exactly?” Mike chuckled and Gary couldn’t help but join in with the laughter.
“You’re not playing by the rules here, Mike. You’re supposed to be too dazzled by his charm to argue,” he reminded Mike and Jason nodded his agreement.
“I’d rather be dazzled by the discount...” Mike tried again and Jason shook his head.
“No discount,” he said firmly and Gary wavered.
“Eh, it’s my shop...” he began but Jason smiled.
“But I’m the only one who can operate the new till,” he beamed and Gary knew he was beaten.
Just as Mark was appearing with the tea and Mike was digging in his pocket for his wallet, Jason’s phone began to ring and Gary couldn’t help but notice how quickly he snapped it up.
“Morning, idiot,” he greeted cheerily, his voice unwavering. Gary shook his head fondly as he scribbled lyrics down on the edge of his newspaper, Mark and Mike peering over his shoulders, all three of them trying desperately hard to pretend they weren’t listening.
“Morning, love. I’m still sorry, if that helps,” Howard responded softly and Jason nodded.
“I know you are, How. But you wouldn’t have to be if you just came back,” he told Howard frankly and he heard Howard’s sad laugh.
“I’m sorry and I love you but...it’d be stupid to come back now wouldn’t it?” Howard sighed.
“Maybe it would. Maybe I used to think we did stupid things for each other sometimes and not against each other, as is your new trend. How are you?” he shook off his disappointment a little too swiftly for Howard’s liking.
“I’m ok. Milton and Crystal are giving me hell on your behalf. I mean it, Jay, I love you...I just...” Howard tried. He could hear Jason’s slow smile down the line and he held his breath nervously.
“We covered this last night didn’t we? You’re just a completely useless lump who makes mistakes, I know. We keep deciding this but it really doesn’t get us very far does it. Anyway, you know I can only stay mad at you for about ten seconds,” Jason relented after a beat and Howard nodded.
“I’m lucky that way,” he smiled.
“Very lucky, remember that. Crystal will help you – remember, one phone call to her and I bet I could get you home by this afternoon,” he warned and Howard winced at the truth in those words. Then Jason noticed Gary stand suddenly from his chair and he watched in confusion as he all but ran into the back room, flinging himself onto the first piano stool, Mark following him excitedly.
“Here, love, you talk to Mike about the saxophone, I have to go now...” Jason said absently, handing his phone to a baffled looking Mike before going after Gary, who was playing something beautiful on his favourite baby-grand, Mark perched eagerly next to him on the piano stool.
“Gaz that’s beautiful,” Jason told him softly and Gary smiled.
“Thank you...but your appreciation should worry me you know...” he began and Jason frowned.
“Why?” he asked.
“Ah, why do you think?! “ Gary shot back and Mark grinned, waving the newspaper with the scrawled lyrics on it in Jason’s eye-line.
“Love Ain’t Here Anymore,” he smiled as explanation and Gary softly echoed him, but his words were sung. Howard could hear the distant sound of the notes and let out a sad sigh.
“Looks like I’ve lost him eh Mike?” he suggested.
“To the song? Yep, definitely,” Mike nodded and Howard pulled a face. He said a quiet goodbye and then put down his phone, lost in his own world. He hardly noticed Crystal watching him.
“Did you just say you lost him? That’s it, give me that phone, I’m booking flights...” she began and Howard could tell she was about to launch into German so he quickly waved his arms in protest.
“No, Crystal! I’ve not lost him lost him like that. I just...the conversation just...he got distracted...” Howard shrugged. He didn’t tell Crystal that Jason had never once cut him off in a phone call before.
***
“Howard!” Crystal’s voice screeched over the noise of the club. Howard looked up from his phone and, with a sigh, flopped down into the booth with her. Eloise eyed him as he sat down.
“Something wrong?” she asked him and Howard shrugged.
“Phone’s not working. Has anyone got one I can borrow?” he asked plaintively. Glenn began to delve in his pocket – he was a generous sort – but Eloise elbowed him in the side.
“You’ve got no credit,” she told him and he obediently sat back. Eloise was still sulking with Howard for spilling a glass of wine on her last night. It had been an accident but Eloise was quite proud of her ability to hold a grudge.
“Howard!” Crystal said again, this time reaching across to slap him on the arm. He looked over at her and realised that it definitely wasn’t Milton she was clutching to her. A tallish man wearing a bewildered expression was sitting where Milton had been earlier, Crystal’s arm linked through his, his blue eyes focusing determinedly on a point in the distance. Howard suspected he’d only not left out of some vague sense of politeness.
“Where’s Milton gone?” Howard asked and Crystal laughed at him, though the man who she was clinging to so tightly seemed to be more interested in the question being answered, as if the hope that he could escape there too.
“I don’t know, him and Angelica ran away. I want you to meet Tommy,” she began.
“It’s Thomas,” the man interrupted quietly and Crystal patted his chest affectionately.
“This is Tommy,” she told Howard in all seriousness and Howard raised an eyebrow.
“It’s Thomas,” the man repeated again, shifting slightly uncomfortably. Crystal smiled brightly.
“Tommy is Danish,” she said in a conspiratorial tone.
“Still called Thomas,” the man sighed tiredly.
“Are you drunk by any chance?” Howard asked her with a grin.
“Completely! Isn’t that right Tommy?” Crystal grinned, seeming quite proud of herself.
“Thomas. But yes, you are” the man agreed with a small smile. Howard chuckled and decided to off the man an escape option.
“Great to meet you, Thomas – I don’t suppose you have a phone do you?” he asked.
“Oh, Howard, you can’t take Tommy’s phone off him!” Crystal protested.
“Thomas. And yes, I do...” Thomas began, eyeing Howard and Crystal cautiously. Howard guessed he wasn’t sure which was the least dangerous path; staying with Crystal or giving his phone to a stranger. Crystal squeezed his arm then and he flinched slightly.
“But Tommy doesn’t want...” she began but Thomas shifted slightly.
“Thomas,” he interrupted quietly.
“Yes, Tommy doesn’t want to leave now! He’s staying with me! We’re in love!” Crystal declared and Thomas looked a little alarmed.
“About that phone?” Howard tried with a grin.
“Come on,” Thomas nodded and he slowly pulled Crystal off him. She was put out for all of a moment before suddenly finding some clarity in the fuzz of her brain.
“You still haven’t called Jason back after he ditched you this morning! Don’t lie to me! Oh my God, Howard, you know that was an invitation for you to do all the chasing don’t you?!!” she scolded but Thomas took Howard by the arm and tugged him away just as she descended into loud German chastisements that echoed across the club. He couldn’t blame her mind you, he knew she was right.
***
Mark and Gary sat on the floor in the middle of their flat, surrounded by scraps of paper, instruments, empty mugs, sweets and chocolate. Gary wasn’t sure why they were so happy to occupy such a disaster zone but they were and after Jonathan’s phone call earlier they were more than slightly determined. Jonathan had sounded his usual cheery self, breaking in his musicians gently before he even attempted to discuss business with them. But as soon as he had suggested putting together a set list for their demo, maybe even throwing in some tracks they’d never performed before, Mark and Gary had been on a mission. They loved this sort of thing. It was an excuse to pour over pianos, study sheet music, sing jokily to each other and gorge themselves on sugar. Cadbury had left them to it hours ago, the Coronation Street repeat had finally come around and he was not missing any more for the sake of their flirtation.
And flirtation it was indeed. Gary was scribbling away, humming things to himself occasionally, trying to ignore the sweets getting thrown in his direction. That was until one landed right in the middle of his tea. Mark gasped, putting a hand to his mouth before holding his hot chocolate and marshmallows protectively to his chest, his eyes as wide and innocent as he could muster.
“Cadbury! How could you!” he tried, stifling a giggle. The dog ignored him, eyes glued to the TV.
“Mark what has gotten into you tonight?!” Gary sighed after a beat, putting down his stuff.
“You mean tonight more than any other night? Nothing really. It’s Friday. We should live a little,” he beamed and Gary rolled his eyes.
“We are living a little, this is fun isn’t it?” he sighed and Mark thought a moment.
“Hmm, I guess. But I can think of more fun things...” he began and Gary laughed.
“Oh no you don’t! You were like this in the studio too, every time I try to work, you start getting ideas in your head!” he grinned.
“Yes, we were rather lucky Jason left early that day. I don’t think we’d hear the last of it otherwise,” Mark agreed with a shrug.
“Oh and he’s got room to talk!” Gary said with a shake of his head and Mark paused.
“Well, he didn’t used have room to talk. Until recently. Gaz...is it just me or is Howard hardly ever cluttering up the shop anymore?” he frowned and Gary paused.
“Don’t talk rubbish, he’s just been busy with work,” he dismissed, but the thought stayed with him and he couldn’t quite shake it.
***
Howard was glad to be coming home. He’d enjoyed Denmark, but he’d found he’d missed Jason more. Not that Jason would believe him if he said that. Well, maybe he would but he would tell him that it served him right. ‘I’m not angry, but you’re on probation, Donald’ had been his words when Howard had last spoken to him. Which, frustratingly enough, hadn’t been since their hurried conversation outside the club, Thomas hovering nearby and, unlike everyone else Howard knew, not even attempting to hide the fact he was listening. There was an authoritative and brazen way about the man that had meant Howard didn’t mind his eavesdropping too much and, to his credit, after taking back his mobile he disappeared back inside to keep Crystal company a little while longer. Crystal had been red with embarrassment the next morning as everyone relayed to her the full extent of her drunken abuse of his kindness, still affectionately patting him and calling him Tommy even as he helped her friends carry her to her taxi. Howard himself hadn’t been there to witness the goings on, disappearing back to the hotel as soon as his set was finished so as to berate himself for being an idiot and letting himself miss Jason so much it became almost painful. Their inability to communicate was an unfortunate side-effect of circumstances; between Jason’s dad’s party and Howard’s Sunday flight home there was little room for conversation and Howard knew that the absence of Jason’s blunt greetings was creating a rather large hole in his heart. It just wasn’t the same when Crystal swore at him, it was just as affectionate but somehow not as special and she and her friends were positively delighted when they’d packed him off to the airport, sending his somewhat gloomy vibes with him.
He all but burst through into their apartment, startling himself with his own momentum, though his dramatic entrance was wasted. Everything lay still and empty. The smell of Jason’s cooking lingered in the air but Jason himself seemed to be long gone. Howard checked the clock and frowned. Surely, if last night had been the success that Orange family parties usually were, then even Jason couldn’t have raised himself much before lunch. Howard dropped his bag untidily onto one of the sofas, inspecting the desk first for any indication of where Jason could have vanished to; a memo or an appointment slip. But there was nothing and the answer phone insisted there were no messages. He kicked off his shoes and padded down the corridor, sticking his head round the door of Grace’s room in the vague hope that Jason might be using her absence as an opportunity to tidy it up. But no. So, his shoulders sagging, he made his way into the bedroom and was suddenly hit by an overwhelming wave of a familiar scent; Jason’s shampoo. He scanned the room with eagle eyes, finally spotting the note that had been left for him on his pillow and Howard’s lips formed the ghost of a smile. Revenge. He threw himself down on the neatly made bed and began to skim over Jason’s neat handwriting; ‘If you dare screw this up or swear about me, I will have to hurt you, ok? How, I’m only mildly sorry for doing this to you. But you see, my mum called on Thursday. You know my mother, she’s a very lovely lady and every now and again she decides that she misses her favourite twins and needs to see them for Sunday lunch. She phoned to invite me and I couldn’t say no, you know I couldn’t because you know what me and my family are like – determined. I confess, at no point did I even think of telling you. I knew that by the time your flight got in and you came all the way back from the airport, I’d be tucking into some of my mum’s Sunday roast. I decided that it was only fair I didn’t tell you, just so you know how naff if feels to think you’re coming home to someone who isn’t there and only have a note to talk to, just to make sure that you don’t do it again. I’m not completely heartless though, I cooked you a little something to keep you going ‘til I get home and I even remembered to put some wine in the fridge. But you’d better save it ‘til I get home, or else! So, shall we draw a line under this entire debacle and get back to normal? That means no more avoiding me! I’ll stop calling you names now too, I’m running out of good ones. I love you, you daft tit (ok, now I’ll stop!) Jason.xxx’
Howard chuckled softly to himself, taking the note with him as he went to raid the kitchen for whatever it was Jason had left for him. Oh he knew he’d got it good alright. And he did feel appropriately scolded for his crimes. But as he reread Jason’s note one more time, he couldn’t help debate how best to protect Jason from the self-destruct button he knew he was prone to leaning on at the worst possible moment, because he was really running out of ideas and it was starting to stress him out.
Chapter Three
Jason wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting there staring at his book without reading it by the time Howard finally tumbled into the apartment. He had had time to think though, time go over in his mind all the reasons why he loved Howard so much and time to realise that that was exactly the reason why he hadn’t had enough long before now. Because, despite his warnings, Howard’s vanishing acts hadn’t ceased. No. They’d got worse, different. At some point Jason was struggling to identify, Howard had changed from merely taking longer to get home from his work, to going out at all hours to drink, all of the time avoiding something. Jason insisted that Howard could tell him what was wrong, but Howard would protest and assure him he was imagining things. Well, that was on the times when he was awake enough to talk. But most of the time Howard would arrive home in a state; Jason deduced this was not so much from drinking but more from a combination of drink, stress and tiredness. Howard was, quite possibly, getting less sleep than him. Although that was a difficult feat, because Jason felt like he hadn’t slept in months, every night lying awake and thinking the unthinkable.
He didn’t want to pack his suitcase, he didn’t like that thought. But he knew that Howard wasn’t going to snap out of this phase any time soon and he couldn’t help but worry about the fact he didn’t know what to do next. He was a man used to knowing what to do, when given enough time to think clearly anyway. And yet he had thought and thought about this and he still couldn’t be sure. Stay and wait for the inevitability of his heart giving way under the strain and simply falling to pieces? Or go and...go and what? Leave Howard for good? No, that would just shred his heart into pieces too and he knew that loving Howard had ruined him for all others, he couldn’t love again and if leaving Howard broke his heart then that would be the end of it, simple as that. The pain was unbearable sometimes. And it did shoot through him, raw and paralysing. Not that he could tell anyone. He had thought about telling Gary, but poor Gary tied himself in knots worrying about him as it was, he didn’t want to give him any great cause for concern. But the one person on whom he could count to listen to everything was the one person who barely listened to a word he said, the one person causing him all this trouble.
Jason looked at Howard, took in his dishevelled appearance and his unfocused eyes. He knew that to turn his back on this man, even for a little while, would be like chopping off a limb. And then he remembered something his dad had said to him once, something about how sometimes people would have to lose whole arms just to stop their pain from killing them. It was true that the shock would hurt just as much, it was true that they would probably never stop missing the amputated limb. But they survived. And in that moment, Howard standing out like a sore thumb in the neatness of their apartment, Jason couldn’t help but think that survival was the only thing he could really hope for in this situation. He had to cut off the limb, he had to work out how to live with the ache it would cause him and keep going until a day when the ache got duller and he could maybe start to think about what would happen next. Or at the very least, he had to see how they both coped, attempt to shock Howard’s system as much as his own in the hope it might just fix things.
Howard wavered a little on his feet, looking slightly uncertain in his place in the doorway. Jason noticed the way his dark curls had tangled together, as if he’d been running his hands through them many times. What he had been thinking so hard about, however, was a mystery to Jason. He raised his bright blue eyes to meet Howard’s, their glittering light cutting through the unfocused look on Howard’s face and touching something somewhere inside him. Did Howard know? Jason wondered briefly, sure that Howard could somehow tell what was on his mind. But whatever ability Howard Donald possessed to read Jason Orange had been dulled greatly by his night out and so Jason sighed softly to himself, quietly closing his book and fixing his gaze on Howard, his head on one side.
“Well you must have had quite the night. Do you remember much of it?” he asked, his voice little more than a whisper; it was all he dared let out, for fear his heart might fall out with his words and his tears might not stop before morning. Howard swayed slightly once more but Jason refused to waver from his choice. He could see a distant guilt in Howard’s face, could tell that he was so close to getting through to him. But it was no use, Howard’s eyes remained unfocused and Jason forced himself to take a deep, steadying breath.
“Um...” was the only sound Howard could muster and sadly Jason nodded. He may be close to getting through, but clearly not close enough. Silently he pushed himself up from the chair, picking up his wine glass and moving towards the sink. He noticed the instinctive way Howard followed him, standing awkwardly in the middle of the kitchen, watching Jason wash out his glass. Strangely there was no tension pressing in on them or choking them. Instead an eerie calm hung between them, like some unfortunate and twisted version of the easy silence they usually enjoyed. Jason swallowed hard, his throat burning.
“Aren’t you slightly too young to be having a mid-life crisis?” he asked steadily, vaguely hoping that the insult of such a suggestion might prompt some explanation of the real problem. But as he turned to look at Howard once more, he saw his beautiful face was merely contorted fuzzily.
“That’s not it, Jay,” Howard mumbled vaguely and Jason could only nod softly, looking down with a shiver of unshakeable sadness. So he really would have to pack his bags and go. Finally Jason folded his arms and looked up at Howard with so much pain in his blue eyes that Howard looked away.
“No. And yet here we are...” Jason murmured into the quiet, all the while his bright eyes fixed on Howard. He could tell there were tears threatening to spill over but he ignored them.
“What are you doing up anyway?” Howard asked him with a defensive note to his voice. Jason looked at him with a ghost of a smile.
“Loving you,” he replied simply and without another word he pressed a kiss to Howard’s cheek before stepping around him and making his way down the corridor. Tomorrow night he wouldn’t be here for this torture, he reminded himself as he closed the bedroom door behind him. But then the tears came and his knees buckled and he slid down the door, giving in to them. He pulled his knees to his chest and he cried. No, tomorrow he wouldn’t have to do this. Tomorrow would be far worse. Tomorrow he would be alone with the ache of what he had lost. And he still wouldn’t know what to do next.
***
“Your shoes are too bloody pointy!” Gary complained grouchily, throwing a shoe in Mark’s direction to emphasise the statement. Mark simply laughed, hopping swiftly out of the way and letting the shoe whizz past him before hopping back into place.
“Ah, well, you see, this is why you shouldn’t fall asleep in wardrobes,” he shrugged chirpily.
“Actually, why am I in the wardrobe?” Gary frowned, rubbing his eyes tiredly and looking around him in confusion. Mark’s eyes danced with mischief and he raised an eyebrow.
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” he smirked, folding his arms as if he was very proud of himself. Gary groaned when he saw that smirk, a dim recollection coming into his mind of Mark insisting he put a dash of brandy in his tea. He had to confess that after that, things got a little blurry.
“Actually...I’m beginning to think I wouldn’t like to know. How drunk was I exactly? I mean, on a scale from that time that you, me, Jay and Howard convinced ourselves that playing Twister whilst drunk was a good idea to...the time the four of us started dancing on the bar at The Crown...” Gary sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Mark laughed even more at that.
“As I remember it, you got up on the bar and started singing. Me and Jay started dancing just to back you up. And Howard never joined us; he was busy filming it all on his phone,” he recalled happily and Gary shrunk back into the sea of pointy shoes which had been his bed last night.
“Oh God, don’t remind me. Look, just tell me; did you let me outside the house or is it just you and Cadbury I have to apologise to for whatever embarrassing actions I was responsible for last night?” he mumbled and Mark shrugged.
“Just me and Cadbury. He was trying to catch the late-night repeat of Corrie. He may never forgive you,” he nodded and Gary laughed.
“And what about you, did I ruin your night too?” he smiled and Mark shook his head.
“Definitely not – you’re always so affectionate when you’re drunk! Well, apart from choosing to sleep in a wardrobe rather than our bed. I don’t mind that too much though, I had a great dream to make up for it. My hat was on fire...” Mark began to relay the dream and Gary raised an eyebrow.
“Sounds more like your idea of a nightmare,” he remarked and Mark pouted.
“It was amazing actually...” he began to protest, but the sound of the phone ringing cut him off.
“Oh bugger, the answer phone’s still on. Here, give me a hand up would you,” Gary said and Mark obliged, following him into the lounge to find out who was calling. Gary’s heartbeat quickened slightly when he heard Jason’s voice, small and fragile, on the answering machine.
“Hey Gaz...I uh...I just wanted to let you know I don’t think I’ll make it into work today. Sorry...I just...I just need to take a day or two. If you need me you can reach me at Justin’s. You know the number. Cheers mate. Bye,” Jason said and with that the message cut out. Mark and Gary stared at the machine as if it had been possessed. If Jason was staying at Justin’s then...no, surely not.
“Gaz...” Mark said in a small voice and Gary looked over at him slowly.
“Yeah?” he asked, his mind still fretting desperately. His best friend was hurting – he needed to be there for him, but he was still trying to work out what could have happened.
“Tell me everything is going to be ok,” Mark whispered to him pleadingly, coming over and tugging hopefully at Gary’s hand. Gary clutched onto him gratefully and his eyes steadied his racing mind.
“Everything’s going to be ok,” he assured blankly. Though neither of them believed it one little bit.
***
When Howard woke his head was pounding and he winced against the bright light that filled the room. He pushed himself up, taking in his surroundings. The lounge was much as it had been last night. Everything tidy. Jason’s book was gone from the coffee table though and, since Howard had spent the night on it, the sofa was a good deal more rumpled than it had been the night before, its cushions dented, some of them on the floor. He yawned loudly, pushing himself along the sofa slightly and then pausing to recover himself. He knew instantly that Jason had gone. Howard couldn’t explain how or why he knew it, but he did. He couldn’t be sure if he was gone for a little while, out on an errand, off to work early or unexpectedly summoned by his family, but something told him it would be none of these things. Jason’s warm presence was so entirely, painfully absent that it sent a cold shiver through Howard’s spine and he slowly curled his fingers into his hands, digging his nails into his palms. He was an idiot. He was a first class tit. He was a prize bastard. Jason was gone and he knew it wasn’t just an errand or an early start. The way Jason’s absence permeated through every fibre of his being told him that something bigger had happened; he’d screwed it all up. Through his own paralysing fear of damaging everything he had crushed Jason’s heart and ended up ruining it beyond repair.
Outside Manchester was continuing with its morning routine as if everything was normal and for some reason that horrified Howard. Because everything was definitely not normal. His entire world had been knocked on its side – admittedly through his own stupidity – and slowly he could feel all the light seeping out. He was the one who had spilt it, he was the one who needed to clean it up. But he didn’t even know where to begin and the rest of the world was just ignoring it. Letting all the colour drain away, letting everything fall apart around him. His own fault or not it seemed so cruel that they could just carry on. Every inch of Howard’s body ached and, other than his sore head, he knew this was no after-effect of alcohol. No, this was something much worse. This was pure, unadulterated loss. Patient, beautiful, kind , loving Jason. Who had loved him and loved him and kept loving him and waited and waited and kept waiting for him to come home...had turned his back and walked away. Howard felt like someone had blown out the candle that had been sustaining him, leaving him to sit, forgotten, in the dark. The blackness hovered on the edge of his vision, beaten back only by the sunlight which insisted on pretending nothing had happened at all. He found himself sitting in the middle of the room watching the sunbeams play movies to him, little clips of all the small things Jason did that made him so truly stunning in Howard’s eyes; Jason’s quiet humming as he busied himself with his cooking, Jason rolling his eyes as some obscure dance track blared out from his usually peaceful stereo, Jason kissing Howard’s temple and telling him to get some rest after a big gig, the way Jason would pull slightly on the top corner of the page as he was reading, the look in his eyes as he looked out of the large windows and studied the world, the quiet smile of thought on his face as he played his guitar. There were so many Howard had to close his eyes a moment and when he opened them again the sunbeams showed him a little compassion and put the images away.
Grace was sat at the breakfast bar, eating a breakfast that had clearly been made by Jason. She glanced at him over her shoulder, her glare sending a jolt of guilt through him. Also on the breakfast bar sat a large glass of water and two small pills that Howard could only assume were aspirin, and propped up by them was a single, brief note. He got unsteadily to his feet, shuffling over and taking up the aspirin in his hands, knocking them back before snatching up the note, written in a more fragile version of Jason’s neat handwriting; ‘Take these and then eat something. Take care of yourself. Jason x’ was the note’s simple instruction and something about it shattered what little composure Howard had. He crumpled, falling dejectedly onto the stool in front of him and burying his face in his hands. Grace eyed him calmly.
“He left your breakfast on the side. He said five minutes in the microwave,” she informed him steadily, jumping down from her stool and taking her plate over to the sink, dumping it before turning around to look at him.
“Sweetheart...” Howard began but Grace pursed her lips.
“Save it, dad. I don’t want to know what happened, ok? Just fix it. There’s messages for you on the answer machine. Oh – and just so you know, if this ends in divorce? I am so going to live with Jason,” she told him calmly before breezing off to go and get her school bag.
Nervously Howard wandered over to the phone. Three messages.
“Howard!! You called me last night and you sounded so out of it I thought I’d better return your call. Listen, I don’t know what is going on in that thick skull of yours but I don’t think it’s good. I’ve left a message on your mobile too and you’d better call me back or I’m coming over there to sort you out! Remember, I’ll find out if something’s happened you know! I have friends in convenient places!! Return my calls please, or else!!” Crystal half-barked at him down the line. He winced. Next message.
“Look, Howard, mate, I don’t know what happened but...I just need you to know that I can only be on one side of the fence here. Please don’t make this hard for me. I don’t really know what’s going on right now but...for his sake as well as mine, just steer clear of the shop for a bit? Sorry Howard, I am. But I’m a loyal old sod. I’ve got to go. Sort it out Howard, please,” Gary’s gentle plea almost made him smile as much as it made him want to cry.
“Howard Donald I will hurt you!! For fuck’s sake! He’ll hardly bloody talk to me, to anyone. When he finally breaks his silence I will find out what you did and I will punish you appropriately. No one breaks my brother, ok? Don’t bother calling back,” Justin hissed, breaking the moment. His call ended with the sound of the phone being slammed down. But it somehow washed over Howard. He’d decided from the moment he had noticed Jason’s absence that this was one of the most crushing mornings of his life. Everyone else’s comments? They were hardly even salt in the wound.
***
“Hello?” the croaking voice on the other end of the line was barely recognisable to Gary and that frightened him. He closed his eyes and sighed.
“I tried your mobile but couldn’t get through – Jay, mate, what the hell’s going on?!” he asked, rubbing his fingers along his forehead. Mark held him in a supportive embrace but still his heart hovered somewhere between his mouth and his chest, he couldn’t help it.
“Yeah...I uh...I had to turn it off. Howard kept calling it...he...I...just not right now, you know?” Jason mumbled. Gary’s brow knotted further.
“Jay, what on earth...” he began but he stopped as he heard Jason sniff sadly. He’d obviously been crying for a long time, but was he still crying? Mark could feel Gary start to fret and he rubbed his hand over his back calmingly.
“I’d just had enough of it, Gaz...the not coming home...even when he was at home his mind was somewhere else and I just...I just couldn’t keep it up any longer so I...oh God, Gaz, have I just made some awful mistake? Is there some better way to do all this and I’m just making things worse?” Jason half-choked and Gary’s mouth opened and closed soundlessly for a few moments.
“Jay...” he began in a soft voice but a sound cut him off. A sound he had known was coming but a sound that stabbed through him sharply nonetheless. Jason’s voice simply cracked, he choked; a strange soft, watery cough that timidly descended into sobs.
“I do love him, Gaz...I don’t want it to be over, but if he doesn’t realise then...what else can I do?” he whispered through his sobs and Gary looked at Mark in slight desperation. Mark, who couldn’t really hear what was being said, could only offer him a sympathetic squeeze on the shoulder, looking at Gary with wide, sad eyes.
“I know, Jay, I know...” was all that Gary could murmur and Jason sniffed, though the sobs continued, a little more quietly but they were still there all the same.
“I don’t know how to love anyone else Gaz, and I wouldn’t be interested in learning how to,” Jason told him quietly and Gary knew he had to ask but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Mark knew too and he gave him an encouraging nod, holding onto him a little tighter in support.
“So then...where um...where does that leave you exactly?” Gary winced at last. Jason laughed an empty laugh and sniffed again.
“You mean am I still wearing my wedding ring? Yes, I am. I’m battered but not broken Gaz. I mean it; I am the perfect mould and fit for one man only. And I won’t change that. I wouldn’t want to if I could,” Jason’s voice got a little stronger as he spoke and Gary couldn’t help but smile at that. He remembered all the times he had had conversations with Jason where the roles were reversed, where he was the one in some scrape or stumble, and never once had he been able to say he was battered but not broken. Gary was not ashamed to admit that you might as well slap a huge fragile sticker on his forehead for all that he could keep it together in a crisis. He didn’t come with the same head-held-high gene that Jason’s family all shared. He’d eat too much and he’d cry too much and he’d wallow too much and then Jason and Mark and Dawn and his family would all appear on the edge of his vision, working on the disaster zone with care and caution. But Jason’s heart was being hammered on and it still wouldn’t break. The downside was, Gary supposed, that Jason’s heart was not so easily put back together as his own.
“ So you’re just...you’re just what?” he asked after a pause and Jason swallowed. Gary was mildly astonished by the fact he seemed to have pulled himself together already.
“Exactly; I’m just. I exist and I love him and that is all there really is. I can’t really look beyond that right now because...because right now there’s no plaster I can stick on this. I exist and I love him – present tense. No past, no future. And that is the hardest thing. He keeps calling and I know I can’t answer. His voice will have me right back next to him in seconds because...” Jason broke off and took a shuddery breath. Gary nodded quietly.
“Because loving someone that way doesn’t really come with an off button. And even if it did? You’d feel guilty as hell if you pressed it,” he said and he could almost hear Jason’s faint smile.
“Yeah. That’s the one. Look, don’t worry about me, Gaz. My brothers are already assembling some sort of crisis meeting downstairs and the only good thing about the stress that’s causing me is it keeps me busy enough not to get out my car keys and drive home. Seriously, if you and Mark dare worry about me I’ll have to leave the country, there’s enough worry for all Manchester from mum alone. Could you do just one thing for me though?” he asked and Gary nodded.
“Of course, anything,” he agreed and Jason took a breath.
“Worry about Howard for me? If he...if he turns up drunk or if he forgets to pick up Grace or...just...just keep an eye on him yeah? I want him to clear his head, not mess it up even more,” he said at last and Gary smiled. Typical Jay, loving to the last.
“Consider it done,” he nodded and finally he hung up, determined to channel all his worry in Howard’s direction...or at least to pretend to for Jason’s sake.
***
Howard sat alone at the breakfast bar, listening to the sound of the empty apartment. He didn’t like it this way. It hadn’t been this way since Jason had been kidnapped – was that really only a year ago? God, Howard thought of it as so distant, and yet the sharpness of that pain, the sickness and the worry that had come with it, was all still so fresh in his mind. He didn’t think his memory of that would ever fade. The only reason he and Jason had returned so easily to normality was that all they needed for normality was each other; his and Jason’s heartbeats matched so easily. They could be apart for weeks, months even, and still be in sync when they were reunited. No click back into place, no having to remember what it was like to hear each other breathing, just...just back to life. Back to life...now wasn’t that just the perfect phrase? Because every time Jason’s heartbeat was returned to his side, his own heartbeat would start up again. After the kidnapping just as easily as after a long night at work or even a trip to the shops. Oh sure, Howard could hear that sound, that dull thud against his ribcage that told him his heart was still going. But it was a hollow sound. All the feeling had been knocked out of it. Or rather...all the feeling had drained away from it. Because his world was still, most definitely, on its side and the colours and lights that made it up were still all trickling away. How had he managed to do this? Why did he have this unique talent for knocking the world off its axis? And then he realised; it had never done this before. The relationships had soured and ended and disappeared. But the world had still turned around beneath his feet.
He was staring blankly at the collection of letters in his hands, still backlogged by weeks. He’d sorted all the important stuff, all the bills and official-looking letters. Now it was just a random assortment of distant acquaintances and junk. He couldn’t concentrate on any of it though. His new black and white universe was blurry and letters jumped and skipped about with little thought as to his ability to make sense of them. Maybe this was his punishment for all those relationships he had hardly thought about since they had fallen apart. He was a reckless captain, forced to go down with the only ship he’d ever made any attempt not sail through a storm. He tried to get the notion from his head but it wouldn’t leave, only quietening briefly to allow him time to raise an eyebrow at a strange looking letter from some place he didn’t know, written in handwriting he couldn’t place and postmarked a good month back. But as his fingers hovered over the letter, a sudden surge of rage overtook him. How could he be so casual as to look through his post when he’d forced the love of his life out of the door? He snarled slightly at the thought, suddenly throwing the pile of mail across the room with significant force. He didn’t care where they landed. What was the point in looking through them? None of them could rewind time. None of them could change the fact he was a complete idiot who couldn’t even get loving someone right. He stroked his wedding ring lovingly and the dull murmur of Jason’s heartbeat briefly skittered across his own. He closed his eyes and sank further and further down until finally his head was pressed to the coolness of the breakfast bar.
“I don’t know what to do Jay...I don’t know what to do...” he whispered to the wedding ring. But he broke down crying before the ring could remind him; ‘Always’.
***
Mark and Gary stood either side of the baby-grand, staring at the disc that lay between them. Of all the days for Jonathan to stop by with their demo, this was probably not the best one. Jonathan himself had remained blissfully unaware of any trouble; he’d been running late for a meeting with someone and he’d barely had time to throw the disc in their direction before he’d been heading out of the door again. They wouldn’t have told him even if he’d stopped though and both of them had simply mumbled at their shoes when he’d commented ‘Oh, no Jay?’ before he left. They didn’t think it would be right to share Jason’s plight around so easily and they certainly didn’t want to hear his traditional lecture about relationships in bands; ‘Look what it did to Abba!’, it was always the same warning. No, they had kept their mouths shut and now all they could do was stare at the disc like it might burn them. They’d had a lot of fun recording it, even Howard and Jason had enjoyed it. Mark narrowed his eyes at the disc, folding his arms.
“We could listen to it...” he said slowly and Gary pulled a face.
“A bit...weird isn’t it? Listening to yourself?” he replied, sitting himself down at the piano stool, his fingers instinctively taking a dance across the keys. Mark rolled his eyes.
“Don’t even pretend, Barlow! You love the sound of your own voice. You’d sing rather than talk if you thought it wouldn’t get you funny looks,” he grinned, pulling a packet of Jelly Babies from his jeans pocket and pouring them out onto the top of the piano.
“What are you doing?!” Gary demanded, his hands gripping protectively to the baby grand.
“Arranging my Jelly Babies! I like the pink ones best,” Mark shrugged, starting to create colour-coded piles. Gary still looked at him in confusion, his eyebrows quirked upwards.
“But...my piano...and besides; what about the disc?” he stammered and Mark chuckled.
“But I thought listening to yourself was weird!” he exclaimed dramatically. Gary pouted.
“It’s yourself too. And Jay’s self...and How...oh bugger. Howard...” he sighed and Mark pulled a face.
“I know, right? I did that. Got all excited then remembered about Howard. You got any ideas yet about how we can keep an eye on him?” he asked. Gary shook his head.
“Not really. But since it’s the only thing Jason’s asked me to do for him in this whole mess then I should get my act together,” he said and a mischievous glint appeared in Mark’s eyes. He stopped, a green Jelly Baby hovering just over the green pile before being diverted directly to Mark’s mouth with a flourish. A dusty white patch appeared on the corner of Mark’s lips and his pointy tongue shot out quickly, licking it off, his eyes still flashing.
“We could play detectives! I could get a dark trilby pulled down low over my face and smoke a lot, and you could sit in your car with a camera and a serious look in your eyes, being all sexy and sinister,” he suggested and Gary laughed.
“Have you and Cadbury been staying up watching late-night detective shows again?! That dog’s a bad influence on you!” he chuckled and Mark threw a red Jelly Baby at him in protest. Effortlessly Gary caught it and popped it in his mouth and Mark frowned.
“Who are you and what have you done with my husband?!” he joked and Gary raised an eyebrow.
“I don’t know...the last time I actually managed to catch something I think I was still in school...” he shrugged and Mark giggled.
“Hand-eye coordination not your thing? Don’t worry, I make up for it,” he beamed.
“You? Sorry Marko, I love you, I do, but you’re a chaotic little thing,” Gary said, shaking his head.
“Hey! I can break dance can’t I!” Mark protested, hands on his hips.
“Only because Jay taught you,” Gary pointed out.
“So! It’s more than you can! I think I’ll teach Cadbury. Me and Jason and Cadbury can form a little dance troupe then and you can sing us the songs to dance to,” Mark smiled.
“Already planning the band line-up post-Howard are you?” Gary sighed and Mark tilted his head.
“You really think there’s going to be a post-Howard line-up?” he asked.
“What? You giving up on the band already?!” Gary exclaimed and suddenly they both became very aware of the disc, burning up the air between them.
“No! No...I just meant...well...Jay and Howard they’re...they go together like...” Mark tried to explain himself and Gary smiled.
“If you say ‘like Ram-a-lam-a-lam-a...’ then I’m going to have to slap you!” he laughed. Mark pouted but his eyes were aglow with amusement.
“Shut up, I was being serious!” he chuckled and Gary shrugged.
“Today’s been too serious though. But I know what you mean, Marko. I’d be half a person without you and, although Jay is a little stronger than that, the principle is the same for him. Jay is scarred but he’ll heal and when he does? He won’t back down. Those Orange genes are made of sterner stuff,” Gary nodded slowly and Mark smiled.
“So what do you say to putting the disc somewhere safe and saving it for a less-rainy day?” he asked and Gary met his eyes with a grin.
“I say ‘Perfect, now let’s put the kettle on’ to which you reply...” Gary offered. Mark clapped his hands delightedly and popped two pink Jelly Babies into his mouth.
“Yes please, extra sugar please!” he enthused, mouth full, and Gary laughed, pushing himself up from the chair and heading into the back room.
***
Jason sat in the kitchen, staring into his mug of tea whilst his brother shooed the final stragglers of the Orange clan out of the door. He stroked a thumb absently along the pattern on the mug, waiting for the real inquisition to begin. That was one of the few good things about his family’s crisis-meetings; so there was always such a vast array of over-blown concerns that whoever it was whose personal troubles were the original cause of the panic could usually make themselves blend into the background quite easily whilst the rest of the family discussed their wellbeing and bickered over courses of action. But he knew that once they were all out the door then Justin would be onto him for the real story. His brother had been kind enough to not ask too many questions when he’d first turned up that morning and had instead taken it upon himself to rouse every sibling in the Manchester area (and those further afield, though he spared them a summons to the house at least) whilst Jason had avoided Howard’s calls and spoken to Gary.
Justin appeared in the doorway, looking at Jason enquiringly, but Jason avoided his gaze. With a sigh he came over to the kitchen table, sinking down into the seat next to Jason and folding his arms.
“Ok, now the rabble’s gone, are you going to go into any more detail about what’s going on here?” he asked and Jason stared even deeper into his tea.
“Do I have to?” he asked, his voice soft but steadier than it had been earlier.
“Come on, Jay, you know how this family operates. We all rally round and then one person volunteers to pick up the pieces. And since we’re twins, it’s usually my responsibility when it comes to you. Not that I’ve ever really been called on but still. I know you’ve told Gaz what’s going on – you said more to him in that one phone call than you have to any of us lot all morning,” Justin reminded him and Jason smiled slightly.
“I’m sorry Justin, I am. But there’s just not that much to tell. It’s like I said, I’d had enough of Howard’s vanishing acts...and I just thought...if I could beat him to it at the vanishing act then...it might be best for both of us,” Jason explained slowly, looking up at his brother with eyes that had finally regained some of their composure. That reassured Justin greatly. He wasn’t used to seeing Jason as broken as he had been when he’d arrived that morning. Neither of them really did falling apart and each of them considered the other to be one of the strongest people they knew. To Jason, Justin was the twin who fell off a bike, scraped up his knee and sprained his wrist, but still managed to cycle home without one tear in order to tell their mum. And to Justin, Jason was the twin who took control the week their dad left, looked after everyone without faltering even once. And, just for the briefest of moments, Justin could see that same person lingering in those blue eyes. That was what he had really needed to know and, assured of it, he decided to press on.
“Seriously though Jay, you’re my twin brother, yeah? If any bastard hurts you, it’s my job to make ‘em regret it...” he began and Jason narrowed his eyes at him.
“Justin – what did I tell you about threatening Howard! If you hurt so much as one hair on his head I will know about it and I won’t tolerate it, ok? That’s still my husband you’re talking about and I’m not having it,” he warned, eyes flashing with sudden conviction. Justin held up his hands in mock surrender. Then something struck him.
“Is he? Still your husband?” he questioned and Jason paled slightly, his eyes clouding. He sniffed, chewing his lip and staring back down into his tea. Then, slowly, he tapped his ring against the ceramic with a tight little clink, looking up at Justin pointedly.
“Yes, he is. I’ve made pretty specific vows to him, Justin, you’d know if you’d bothered to listen to our wedding service,” he remarked. Justin pulled a face.
“I did listen, I just didn’t commit it to memory,” he muttered and Jason rolled his eyes.
“I made a promise that I would love him for his faults and despite his faults, amongst other things. And I do. Love him, that is. And I don’t care if some God-like creature walks into this room tonight and begs me to love him instead, my heart will still only belong to one person. I love Howard, irreversibly,” he told his brother quietly, closing his eyes to ensure no fresh waves of tears could arise. Justin sighed, leaning forwards and propping his head up on his hand.
“Yeah but...but come on Jay, what is love? It’s not exactly tangible or...or understandable. It’s just...there. You cannot be sure of anything about it, so how do you know there isn’t some other love out there for you, just waiting for you to ditch Howard and run?” he suggested.
“Justin, what is your problem with Howard? Stop it!” Jason protested and Justin shrugged.
“What?! Come on then, if you think that’s wrong. What is love?” he asked.
“A science of faith,” Jason answered in a whisper, still gazing into his mug. Justin paused.
“Ok...” he said, slightly surprised. Jason smiled quietly, his eyes shimmering vaguely at something Justin couldn’t be sure of.
“The way I love Howard just...it just forces me to have so much faith in what I feel and faith in him and...well if I lost that faith then my heart would be broken and that would be the end of it,” Jason sighed and Justin frowned at him.
“I don’t understand...” he began and Jason put down his mug, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“I put my faith in Howard a long time ago. I put my heart in his hands and gave up any claim to it. It’s not my heart to give away. And if he breaks it? Then there is nothing to give. I love Howard, Justin. I love him and that’s the only thing I can tell you with any certainty right now. All the other stuff, all the practical stuff about what to actually do about this whole mess? I. Don’t. Know. And I’m sorry to snap at you but I just...I...don’t know...” Jason trailed off, taking a deep breath.
“Ok. Ok. You can stay as long as you need, Jay, however long it takes you to figure it out,” Justin told him quietly, giving him a caring smile and Jason smiled back slowly.
“Thank you,” he said and Justin reached across the table to squeeze his hand.
“Hey, no thanks required. Just...keep being the brother I know and love, yeah? I don’t want a wreck where my twin used to be,” he grinned and Jason laughed softly.
“I’ll do my best,” he agreed and with that, Justin got up, presumably to go and relay their entire conversation to their mother. But Jason didn’t mind, that was what family was for, after all.
***
Howard stood at the large windows, looking out with sore eyes. He was done with the whole crying, talking to himself bit now. And the anger was gone too. He still hated himself, but he wasn’t about to berate himself any more for his stupidity. He’d dealt with that urge the only way he knew how; phone Crystal and tell her the whole sorry story. After a twenty-minute long German rant of which he’d only understood about one word in ten – but even from that information alone he could tell she wasn’t happy with him – she had proceeded to remind him how close it was to his anniversary, how wonderful and patient Jason was and how he needed to get his act together because he was the only one with the ability to fix this mess and then finally she had slammed down the phone on him. She had, in her defence, called back half an hour later to comfort him a little. But he knew as well as she did that he was the only one to blame. Any normal person would not have let the love of their life think they were being avoided. Because, whilst that was true, it wasn’t entirely about avoidance. It was forced avoidance, a battle of wills against between his desire to be with Jason and his determination not to hurt him. Howard had decided with absolute certainty that the best way to keep Jason safe from his tendency to wreak havoc was to keep Jason away from him altogether. He’d been so set on the idea that he would force himself to stay out that extra hour and then drink too much as he tried to forget how much he missed Jason’s laugh, his thin frame in his arms, his breaths against his skin. He’d been so determined not to hurt Jason that he’d forgotten to pay attention to the man himself. And look where that had gotten him. But really, what was there to do? No one could offer him any advice on how to win Jason back. In any case, if he’d shattered Jason’s heart was there really any way he could ever work out how to put it back together? Jason was such a complex creature. All beautiful things were.
Howard sighed and wandered back over to the breakfast bar, inspecting the sandwich he had made for himself with mild distaste. He thought back to that morning, remembering the fact that Jason had still looked after him, even as he was walking away he was still thinking of him. That had to be a good thing, right? After all, how many people who were leaving their husbands for good would think to leave them some aspirin and a hearty breakfast before they went out of the door? And how many people who had spent so long in an apartment that every detail was perfectly customised to their needs would actually let the spouse they were leaving keep the place? But, Howard thought with a sigh, that was just Jason. Jason cared for people and he worried about people and he found it difficult to let anyone come to hardship as a result of his actions, even if he wasn’t in the best of moods with them. He’d left the way he had because he couldn’t let Grace missing school or being out of a home sit easily with his conscience; his actions were for her more than they were for Howard, that is if they were for Howard at all.
He’d searched through the house, trying to work out what Jason had taken. It had only briefly given him hope to see how little was gone. A good few clothes but not much more, his guitar and his laptop of course, perhaps some CDs. Briefly he had felt something close to relief. But then he’d reminded himself that just because the stuff wasn’t gone didn’t mean that Jason wasn’t gone. Jason was still most definitely out of the door and maybe the only reason he wasn’t out of his life with any finality just yet was because he hadn’t been able to easily transport everything he needed to take away with him. Soon all that would be left was the tidy, ordered kitchen. And a few weeks of Howard’s cooking would soon erode that. He cast his eyes around the kitchen, briefly wishing he hadn’t devoted so much time to undoing Jason’s strict, colour-coded, size-ordered, alphabetized systems left right and centre. But then, on the other hand, it was a little game of theirs that seemed to give them an odd sort of pleasure. They took so much joy from the blurring of the line between banter and flirtation and the more Howard’s chaos impinged on Jason’s order, the more Jason would look up at him with those eyes dancing so brightly and tell him he loved him. It shouldn’t work, they had often reminded each other. But they didn’t care. The fact they seemed at odds just seemed to provide them with amusement instead of frustration. God, why had he thrown away such a perfect fit?
As his eyes made one final scan of the kitchen, he spotted the pile of mail that he had thrown in anger earlier, that strange, inviting letter sticking out at the top of the pile. It looked like someone had taken great care over it. The stamp was placed in perfect parallel to the corner of the envelope, the address was handwritten and neat, not a single smudge or crease could be seen on the front of it and as Howard stooped to pick it up, he flipped it over. The return address was odd, not only a name he didn’t recognise but it sounded like a resort or retreat of some kind rather than anyone’s house. He was about to open the letter when the phone rang, making him jump. He dropped the letter back onto the untidy pile on the floor and crossed the room towards the desk, leaning in to listen to the answer phone pick up.
“Alright Howard, you’re off the hook. He says I’m not to hurt you or threaten you and since he’s my brother I have to respect him, unfortunately. He’s upstairs resting now but that doesn’t mean he’s ok you know. And although he made me promise to take back whatever threat I made, I’m not happy about it. Oh, but he did say you have to stop trying to phone him. You’re still bastard though, ok? Orange Family Meeting Certified Idiot and don’t forget it. That’s all. Here’s to hoping we don’t see each other soon,” Justin informed him sharply and the phone slammed down. Howard closed his eyes. Oh Jason, how could he be so kind to him? He’d called off the attack force that was his twin brother when, really, Howard thought he deserved to be torn to pieces.
It was then that Howard noticed one of the pictures was missing from the desk. Their wedding photo. He cast his eyes over the other frames, his heart stuttering slightly at some of the pictures as memories jumped out at him and reminded him what he’d lost. But the wedding photo definitely wasn’t there. He frowned. Had Jason taken it with him? Or worse...had Jason decided to throw it away? It was, Howard supposed, symbolic of the question that had been weighing down on him all day; had Jason left him forever or did he stand a chance of making things right?
***
“Mark Anthony Patrick Owen, put my lovely Gary down and get me some tea!” a voice declared, making Mark jump so much he half-fell off the counter. Gary simply chuckled, glancing in Mark’s direction to check that he was ok before rubbing slightly self-consciously at the spot on his cheek that Mark’s lips had just been parted from. It was Dawn that was stood in the archway, her hands on her hips and a playful look in her eyes. Mark pouted at her from the floor.
“Your lovely Gary is he?” he questioned, getting to his feet and dusting himself off.
“Yep, I have a certificate and everything. Now come on, sweetie, I adore you, you know I do, but I have to talk to Gary. So pretty please can I have some tea?” Dawn asked him gently and Mark couldn’t hold back his smile any longer. He loved Dawn really, but they kept up their battle over Gary for the sake of banter. She made it hard for him though, she was too nice fight with for long.
“Alright fine. Oh, and by the way, you look beautiful today. Nice outfit,” he nodded approvingly as he walked back. Dawn laughed softly before coming into the room, sitting herself down next to Gary on the counter.
“Ok, so I would love to tell you I was in the area and thought I’d drop by to see your lovely, handsome face. But we both know that’s a lie. Well, apart from the handsome face part; you’re very beautiful, sweetie. But anyway! I got your message and I can’t deny that I was intrigued. You need my advice, my assistance and my friendly encouragement but not necessarily in that order, was how I believe you put it. Come on, spill,” she told him as she kissed him on both cheeks. Gary chuckled.
“I thought that might get you. Well, where should I start?” he asked her and Dawn thought a moment, tapping an elegant finger against her lips and flicking her blonde hair slightly.
“We’ll start with the friendly encouragement and work backwards shall we?” she suggested and Gary nodded slowly.
“Yeah ok, that works. Here,” he said, producing a disc from beneath the counter. Dawn looked at it blankly, raising an eyebrow. Mark chose that moment to return and he grinned.
“Gaz, you probably need to explain that thing you know,” he pointed out, handing Dawn her tea before taking a packet of fizzy snakes from his pocket and popping one in his mouth. Dawn and Gary both watched him eat it for a moment, mystified as to where these sweets seemed to keep coming from, before turning back to look at each other.
“It’s a demo. Our demo. But me and Mark can’t bring ourselves to listen to it. We listened to the first bars of the first track but we couldn’t stop cringing so we had to stop,” he shrugged and Dawn laughed, taking the disc from his hands and staring at it, scanning her eyes across the track list which had been scrawled on a bit of paper that was selotaped to the back of the CD box.
“I see, so you need me to tell you both how lovely you sound?” she suggested and Mark nodded.
“That’s the one. Oh, and tell us we’re going to be stars. And then say you’re going off to set aside enough money to buy millions of copies because you love our music so much,” he grinned.
“Or, you know, you could just say we’re not crap, that we’re pretty good at writing music and that I’m not actually a talentless and delusional idiot,” Gary added.
“Oh Gary, you’re so horrible to yourself. You’re not talentless and you’re not delusional, I don’t need to listen to this CD to be sure of that. But I will listen to it and I will give you plenty more friendly encouragement afterwards. As for the buying millions of copies when you’re famous, I’ll pass. But if you ever have need for a dancer, I’ll be there. Not for free mind. I’ll consider a pay cut though...” Dawn nodded slowly, reaching across to take one of Mark’s fizzy snakes.
“Oi!” he protested, trying to bat her away, but she jumped down from the counter and began to tickle him rendering him powerless.
“Right, now, what was next? My assistance?” Dawn asked with a smile, dusting her hands dramatically before effortlessly taking the entire packet of sweets from Mark’s hands. Mark began to protest again but Gary shook his head.
“Don’t even bother, Marko, Dawn is a very determined woman,” he chuckled.
“That I am. And anyway, too much sugar will rot your teeth, so I’m doing you a favour. Now, which one of you two gorgeous muppets is going to explain why you need my assistance?” Dawn asked.
“Oh...about that. Do you know how to operate a till? Coz, since we got the new till, when Jay’s not around we usually have to rely on the cashbox. But it’s looking like Jay might be away a while so...well...any thoughts?” Gary sighed and Dawn laughed.
“Technical things are not what I am good at. Can we move onto advice...and also, why has Jason vanished?!” she questioned, looking at Gary and Mark in turn as they both turned their gazes down to the floor.
“He’s uh...a tad fragile right now,” Mark mumbled to his chest. Dawn looked at them in concern and then handed Mark his sweets back in the hope of raising his smile.
“Ok, what did I miss then?” she sighed and Gary bit his lip whilst Mark ate another sweet.
“Jason and Howard...trouble...I shouldn’t go into it, Jay doesn’t want the whole world to know. Just...safe to say Howard’s a little...off kilter right now. And that’s devastated Jay. It’s all adding fuel to the theory that I’m cursed,” Gary told her.
“Well that came out of nowhere...but Gary, love, cursed?! I’m not having that!” Dawn frowned.
“But I am! Every time I try and get my music out there, something bad happens. I’ll have to choose between my friends and my music or Mark and my music and, oh, look, we’ve actually got a demo and what happens? Jason’s life falls apart. I’m cursed,” Gary declared and Mark slapped him sharply on the forehead with a fizzy snake. Gary would have laughed at the absurdity under different circumstances.
“Don’t be a drama queen!” Mark scolded him and Dawn laughed.
“I second that. I bet you anything Jason and Howard will be fixed before this demo hits the first record label’s in-tray. Now come on, I’m taking you two out for drinks,” she nodded.
“But what about the shop!” Gary protested and Dawn shrugged.
“Well you can’t work the till anyway,” she reminded him and Mark laughed.
“Good point. Come on Gaz, coat on!” he grinned and with that Gary found himself being herded from the shop, Mark putting his coat on for him as Dawn flipped the open sign around to closed.
Chapter Four
It had almost been two weeks and soon March would be over. Justin had officially had enough. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy having his brother living with him. In fact, truth be told, both he and his wife were very glad to have Jason around. Because Jason would vacuum and tidy and polish. And Jason would wash and iron and cook. And after he was done keeping their entire house running, Jason didn’t even argue with them over the remote. He’d sit up in his room and read or play his guitar and not come anywhere near the television at all. But, all the same, Justin didn’t like it. Oh yes, he had wanted to kill Howard at first, when he saw his brother fractured and lost and hurting. Because no one hurt any one of his brothers and got away with it, especially not his twin. Initially he’d been sold on the idea that Jason would clear his head and decide to leave Howard and it would all be over, simple as that. But watching his brother he had begun to realise that maybe Jason’s assessment of the situation had been more accurate. He was so used to dismissing Jason’s overcomplicated assessments that he hadn’t taken the time to really look at his brother. And when he had, he’d realised that maybe things were a tad more complicated than he had imagined. Jason had become a faded, watercolour version of himself. The colours were not as sharp or bright as real life. It wasn’t Howard missing from Jason’s life; it was a piece of Jason that was missing. There was no way of fixing him unless you managed to fix his relationship with Howard. Yet the surer Justin became that this was the only way forwards, the more Jason began to doubt himself.
Justin hadn’t noticed it right away; Jason beginning to wonder if maybe he had misread Howard entirely, if maybe Howard no longer loved him the way he loved Howard. It was little things. He wouldn’t have to try so hard to avoid Howard’s calls, that was the first thing. Justin hadn’t been bothered by it until Jason stopped even bothering to turn off his phone. He no longer referred to Howard needing time either. Instead he said he was the one who needed time. And if pressed? He would say that Howard would be the one to decide what happened next instead of his previous insistence that he wasn’t even thinking of the future. The only thing that reassured Justin that his brother hadn’t entirely given up hope was the fact that he still kept that wedding photo by his bed. Jason didn’t know that Justin had seen the way he would gaze at it as he played his guitar and he certainly didn’t think Justin knew he would polish it for exactly thirteen minutes every day. Justin supposed that that photo was what kept Jason’s faith humming on in some form or other – perhaps it was just a whisper of what it should be but it was still there. Even Justin could feel the love that radiated off that picture and it reminded him of the way he had felt when he had first seen the two of them together. Justin wasn’t the type of bloke to believe in physic links or vibes or any of that stuff, but he hadn’t been able to shake the sensation of warmth that rolled off the two of them together, the perfect beat of their conversations, the absorbing rhythm of their bantering and their movements. Justin couldn’t help but think that if his own world was somehow worse off without it, then Jason and Howard’s worlds must be practically falling down around them.
“Do you want a drink Jay?” Justin asked as he came into the kitchen. Jason, who had just sat down to pause a moment in the middle of cooking dinner, jumped slightly then smiled.
“No thanks, I hate drinking alone. It makes me feel like I’ve been defeated somehow,” he said with a shake of his head and Justin looked at him strangely as he pulled two beers from the fridge.
“Eh! You’re not alone, Jay. You’re drinking with me, so drink up!” he reminded Jason sharply, tossing one of the cans at Jason, who caught it and laughed.
“Drinking with you is worse, you always get me drunk!” he retorted, though he did open the can.
“Sounds good to me. Anyway, how long ‘til dinner?” Justin asked as he leant on the kitchen counter.
“Um...not too long now I don’t think,” Jason shrugged, glancing at the clock.
“So have I got time to make a quick call then?” Justin said and Jason narrowed his eyes.
“Justin, what are you up to? I know that look and I know it’s not good. That look has landed me in detention, trouble with mum, trouble with dad, horrible situations in bars...do I need to go on or have you stopped plotting whatever it was you were plotting?” he sighed.
“Oh ye of little faith!” Justin grinned and Jason simply rolled his eyes.
“Oh I have plenty of faith, just not in you. Anyway, go and make your call if you must. But if it has anything to do with me then I’m not cooking for you at all next week,” he threatened.
As Justin left the kitchen he fished his mobile from his pocket and headed upstairs, trying to get as far away as possible from Jason before he even dared scroll through his contacts. He selected ‘Howard Mob’ before ducking into his bedroom and closing the door behind him. If he wasn’t officially too old for such things he would have climbed in the wardrobe for extra protection but he decided that the bed was far enough from the door instead and he flopped down onto it.
“Hi, Howard here. Leave me a message and I’ll try and return your call as soon as I can. Cheers,” Howard’s voicemail told him and Justin rolled his eyes before returning to his contacts. This time he tried ‘Jay Home’ but still no joy so he decided to leave a message instead.
“Oi, Donald, I know you’re in there and I need to talk to you. It’s about Jay. And I promise I’m not going to kill you. But we need to talk. Call me on my mobile – and soon! Ok, bye,” he sighed and with that he hung up. With any luck Howard wouldn’t get the wrong impression and he could fix this mess before things got out of hand.
***
With Grace at her mum’s for the weekend, Howard found himself stricken by the emptiness of the apartment. It was awful when he was here on his own. He’d exhausted the potential of the TV and the internet to take his mind of anything, he could hardly face work and all his friends did when he phoned them was tell him he needed to find a way to fix the mess he’d made. But he couldn’t. So instead he’d order another take away, open another junk letter before tearing it to shreds, then he’d go out for a long walk and sometimes he’d stop at a pub on the way. But he only did that on the really bad days. Mind you, there were plenty of them to go around. When Grace was gone he had bad days, because he was really, truly alone then. When something reminded him of Jason he had bad days, because he still couldn’t cope with the idea of Jason leaving him. When he tried to cook something for himself he had bad days, because he’d usually end up going hungry and having to feel ten times more sorry for himself than usual. It was getting to the point now where he looked forward to being able to rip up his junk mail each day. Especially if it was a catalogue; hours of ripping and berating himself quietly to enjoy instead of just a precious few seconds. He was running low on junk though and he was beginning to wonder if he should start ripping ordinary letters too. It wasn’t as if they were that important. None of them had yet revealed to him how to get Jason back by his side and Jason’s own neat handwriting had not once been seen in the growing stacks of mail that Howard was refusing to deal with. Dealing with mail in a conventional manner would suggest his life had gone back to normal. But it really, truly hadn’t. And couldn’t. Not without Jason.
Silently Howard looked around the apartment, his eyes coming to rest on the stack of letters he had left on the coffee table. Next to them his last few junk letters were waiting to be ripped and for a moment he wondered if he should just cut straight to the long walk and the pub, because he needed to save what little berating and ripping sessions he had left. Then he noticed that letter again. That as-yet unsolved mystery of the handwriting he didn’t recognise, the return address he didn’t know and the stranger who was so determined to make a good impression on him that they had sent the letter in such a pristine state. He sat himself down on the sofa, trying not to disturb the cushions (his determination to keep the apartment looking smart was strong, because he felt it somehow kept Jason’s presence there), and he picked up the letter, inspecting it for a moment. He couldn’t understand why but the letter scared him, stirred up some inexplicable unease within him. He stroked his thumb across it, trying to think who he knew that might write from the place listed on the return address. He decided to make a bargain with himself; he would ease his irrational fear of the letter by looking up the place it had come from, if the place looked dangerous in any way, he could rip up the letter with the junk mail, but if he thought of someone there he might know, then he’d read it in the hope it might cheer him up. But as he turned to get his laptop from the armchair, the phone rang. He was still screening almost all his calls – all except work calls – so he watched the answer machine and waited, hoping with every bone in his body that this would be the time that Jason’s voice came down the line. But no such luck.
“Oi, Donald, I know you’re in there and I need to talk to you. It’s about Jay. And I promise I’m not going to kill you. But we need to talk. Call me on my mobile – and soon! Ok, bye,” Justin’s voice rang out and Howard’s whole body sank. They had to talk about Jason? But why...unless Jason was finally ending it and Justin was just his messenger.
“Fucking hell!” Howard yelled angrily, sweeping all the mail off the coffee table with his arm before standing up abruptly, marching over to the door and storming out of the apartment. Walk, pub, pub, pub, die. That was the plan. Did he need his coat? No. Hopefully he’d freeze to death, he thought bitterly. I’m an idiot, he reminded himself as he rolled out into the crisp March air. I’m an idiot and I don’t deserve to but...but I just want to hold him again...just for a little while.
***
“Justin! What did you do?!” Jason demanded, appearing in the doorway to the lounge with a face like thunder. Justin frowned and turned around slowly.
“Why is it you always accuse me before anyone else?” Justin asked and Jason put his hands on his hips, narrowing his eyes at Justin pointedly.
“Past experience. My husband is stood outside your house, wailing like a madman and insisting that he isn’t ready to talk to you. Highlight you – implying to me that you’ve been threatening him again,” he said and Justin closed his mouth.
“Ah, yeah...about that...” he began but another wail from outside cut him off. Jason sighed and shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose before waving a dismissive hand at Justin.
“Don’t bother, I’ve got him to worry about right now. But this isn’t over, ok?” he warned, leaning out into the hallway to grab his coat before turning back to shoot Justin a threatening look.
“Wait, wait, what are you getting your coat for?!” Justin asked, confused.
“Well, in case you hadn’t worked it out, that’s my husband sat out there in the freezing cold, drunk and not wearing a coat. I can’t just leave him out there like that can I?!” Jason pointed out, waving is hands for emphasis. As he did so Justin couldn’t help but notice the glint of Jason’s wedding ring in the light. For a man so concerned with issues of control, Jason was never quick to take off that ring. It was important to him; there was a reason he had made the exception, it was the only suggestion ever made to anyone that he might not have all the power in his hands.
“Well, you could leave him. I mean, some might say that, since you two aren’t exactly...together, as such, then...he’s not your responsibility. So you could just sit here and hope he goes away,” Justin suggested, watching carefully for Jason’s reaction. Jason himself had tensed and his eyes flashed with more life than Justin had seen in him since this whole thing had started.
“I love him – is that enough cause for responsibility? He needs someone to look after him, just to set him back on his feet...and I owe him that much since I’m partly responsible for knocking him off them. He wouldn’t be in this mess if he didn’t love me,” he shot back at Justin with such conviction in his voice that Justin almost changed his mind about pressing any further. But he wanted to make sure he could take this as a good thing so he took a breath.
“Just because you know he loves you doesn’t mean this sort of thing is acceptable, you’re not exactly teaching him a lesson here. Come on, Jay, it’s late. He’ll go eventually, we both know he will...” he began. Jason clenched his jaw but something in his blue eyes softened and threatened to give away his inner turmoil.
“He’s crying, Justin. Or at least, he has been. He’s hurting so much,” he said softly and Justin stopped talking abruptly when he heard how quietly Jason was talking. The two looked at each other for a drawn out moment.
“He’s drunk though,” Justin reminded him tentatively. He knew what Jason was thinking and even though it was something he had been hoping to re-instil in his brother he wasn’t sure if this was the best way. After all, if Howard was only here because he was drunk then he could be setting his brother up for a fall by encouraging him to think of this as a sign.
“Justin, drunk or not, he would not get like this if he didn’t love me. I know how Howard normally gets when he’s drunk; ridiculous, perhaps, but not upset. Look, I’m going to take him home, ok? Don’t wait up for me, I’ve got a key,” Jason replied quietly before turning on his heel and promptly leaving the house. Justin listened as the noise outside stopped and he let out a long sigh. Well, maybe it wasn’t how he’d planned it, but it was a step in the right direction, wasn’t it?
***
“Are you nearly done in there?” Gary called as he came into the kitchen, stopping abruptly as he came face to face with the rear end of Mark Owen. He blinked momentarily then took in the sight before him more clearly. Empty takeaway cartons still littered the kitchen counter and, whilst the sink was indeed cluttered with cutlery and plates and lots of soapy water, so too was a small area of the floor, in the middle of which Mark was stood on a kitchen chair, bent over in his best superstar pose, singing along to the radio, bum-in-air, hair-in-face and eyes closed whilst he belted the tune into a soap-bubble covered spoon in place of a microphone. Cadbury, who had trotted in behind Gary, simply sighed a seemingly resigned sigh before turning and padding straight back into the lounge. He wasn’t going to miss America’s Got Talent for this. Gary himself simply folded his arms and decided to watch how the spectacle unfolded, an amused glint in his eyes. Mark began stamping his feet determinedly to the beat, his head bobbing about, before he jumped dramatically from the chair, clattering into Gary’s arms and grinning innocently as he realised he’d been caught. Gary bowed his head enough to lean their foreheads together and Mark beamed up at him still, waiting, Gary suspected, for praise and a kiss. Well, he, Gary Barlow, was not so easy, he thought to himself as he planted a kiss on Mark’s nose. See, no praise! He wasn’t soft, oh no.
“Welcome to my turn at clearing up,” Mark told him, letting Gary comb his fingers lovingly through his hair and tapping his soapy spoon softly against Gary’s chest.
“If I’d known this was what happened every time you cleared up, I’d be booking myself front row seats every weekend,” Gary told him with a warm chuckle. Damn, that was praise, wasn’t it? Well fine. He, Gary Barlow, was a hopeless case. And he didn’t care who knew it. Besides, he was a sucker for a good show; a bit of cabaret, razzamatazz. Just the other day he had stepped out to take out the rubbish, waved a dramatic arm at the empty street and declared ‘Good evening Manchester!’ in his best showbiz voice before realising, with mortification and a blush, that an old lady had been walking down the street towards him the entire time. Mark had no such shame. He’d put on a show anywhere. But it was the private performances Gary had to admire the most.
“Oo, like what you see? You’d make a crap Simon Cowell. Come on, say something mean. I dare you!” Mark giggled, waving the spoon some more and sending soapy water flying this way and that.
“Um...stop trashing my kitchen?” Gary suggested, though Mark could tell even that was a strain so he laughed some more.
“Not even close,” he told Gary and Gary wound his arms around him tightly.
“I’d be just fine at being Simon Cowell, just as long as I never had to judge you! Anyway, I can’t say it’s been a great ambition of mine. Now, do you need me to get the mop for you or can you un-ruin this kitchen by yourself?” he questioned, placing a kiss in the crook of Mark’s neck. Mark leant his head back, eyes closed once more.
“Mop?” he sighed absently, letting Gary kiss him again.
“You know, the stick with dreadlocks? The magic water-remover? The...um...” Gary paused in his kissing to try and think of another way to describe the concept of mopping to Mark but Mark whacked him with the spoon and he jumped, looking down at him with mild alarm.
“Shut up and keep kissing me!” Mark scolded, throwing the spoon dramatically over his shoulder and striking an eccentric pose, waiting to be showered with affection once again.
“You’ve been watching old movies again haven’t you,” Gary remarked steadily, only wincing slightly as the spoon landed with a clatter on the floor behind Mark. Mark himself rolled his eyes.
“What part of shut up and keep kissing me did you not follow?!” he asked Gary, eyes aglow with amusement. Gary smiled mischievously, grabbing Mark and forcefully pulling him closer, tipping him down and gazing briefly down into his eyes before planting a lingering kiss to his lips. When Mark finally found himself released he felt more than a little dizzy and he staggered, blinking, backwards, flopping down onto his chair-come-stage. Gary simply chuckled, dusting his hands playfully before leaning on the doorframe.
“There, take that and party!” he declared, satisfied with his work. Mark narrowed his eyes at him.
“Ok, that wasn’t fair!” Mark laughed.
“Well you did say shut up and keep kissing...” Gary reminded swiftly, grinning broadly.
At that moment, the America’s Got Talent theme drifted through to them from the lounge and Cadbury barked out a warning that the adverts were over. Both Mark and Gary wondered, briefly, if they should return to keep the dog company. But they quickly dismissed the notion and turned back to each other, eyes still glittering from their head-spinning kiss just moments before.
“So piano-man, what’s it to be? Talent-scouting with the dog...or a live performance with me?” Mark asked. Gary simply smiled and stepped further into the disaster zone of the kitchen, going over to the fridge and getting the two of them a bottle of wine out. Silently he poured two glasses, setting them both down on the kitchen table and taking a seat for himself. He waved his arm invitingly at Mark and Mark grinned, picking up his spoon and jumping up onto his chair.
“Take it away, my dear,” Gary murmured, his and Mark’s eyes locking briefly before Mark got himself back into the rhythm of the song.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to dedicate this one to all the lovers out there...and all the wannabe-lovers...and all the reconciling lovers...and, of course, my very own lover. Gary Barlow – this one is for you...” Mark announced with a wink and Gary watched him launch back into his performance with a mystified smile on his lips. Maybe all was well with the world after all, he mused silently. Maybe. Just maybe.
***
Howard had been dumbfounded when Jason had emerged from the house, taking him silently by the hand and leading him to the car. If he was honest he’d hardly been aware of what he had been doing when he’d left The Crown. He had fuzzy memories of telling the taxi driver to take him to Jason and, when that hadn’t worked, he’d given Justin’s address. But as he’d been doing it he hadn’t really expected it to take him to Jason himself and he had certainly not expected it to earn Jason’s compassion. Because that was what was really overwhelming him. Maybe he had, somewhere in his head, registered that by standing outside shouting he could at least catch a glimpse of Jason as he told him to go home, but he hadn’t once imagined he would get Jason’s sympathy and his company. He didn’t deserve it. Still, with murmurs of ‘You’re frozen’ and ‘How on earth did you get that bruise?!’ Jason had linked an arm through Howard’s and taken him to the car, his touch so light and gentle and...loving. Howard had almost cried, almost. But he hadn’t wanted to seem like any more of a state than he already had done by going there. Jason had seemed to understand, just like he always did. He hadn’t questioned Howard’s silence, he’d just carried on muttering affectionate chides and disclosing gentle concerns. And God had it been a sight for sore eyes as he’d stood back and watched Jason fish his key from his pocket, slot it into the lock and step into their apartment. Their home – and it actually deserve that title once Jason stepped across the threshold.
Now Howard sat on the sofa, where Jason had pushed him down gently earlier, watching his husband busy himself about the house. A distant smile touched Howard’s lips as he saw Jason set about taking care of everything. He seemed to Howard to be in five different places at once, his soft hands fussing round him every now and again, plumping cushions behind him, tucking a throw cover round him, pressing gently on his shoulder as he passed by, moving quickly and kindly from job to job. After a while, a steaming mug was put into his hands.
“Drink this love, it’ll warm you up,” Jason instructed him softly before returning to the kitchen. Howard presumed it would be some form of herbal tea but as he took a sip he realised, with an affectionate smile, that it was actually a mug of hot cocoa. He hadn’t done one thing to deserve that sort of attention. That sort of love – the love Jason had for him and had had for him all along. He looked up, watching Jason working away in the kitchen, a sight he hadn’t seen in too long. He was placing ice-cubes onto a dish cloth so as to make an ice-pack for the mysterious bruise that had formed on Howard’s forehead. The more he watched the more that pang of loss hit him square in the chest.
“I missed you, Jay” he managed to say at last but Jason didn’t look up, he simply began tying a knot in the cloth, binding the ice-cubes in.
“Love, I’ve had to put up with missing you for a long time now,” he murmured, coming over and pressing the ice-pack to Howard’s forehead. As he did so, their eyes met and Howard felt that wave of mixed up tears and love grow stronger. But then Jason moved to turn away.
“I love you,” Howard mumbled sadly as their gaze was broken and Jason sighed.
“I know, How,” he nodded but Howard took hold of his wrist and he was forced to turn back, their eyes locking once again.
“Please...I love you...” Howard whispered and Jason gazed at him for such a long time that Howard thought he really would cry. It was so much, seeing those eyes again. And not only seeing those eyes, but seeing the love contained in them. Jason’s every touch was filled with that love but nothing could compete with the look in his eyes. Howard knew he didn’t deserve even one second of that love but here it was all the same, looking at him, taking in all of his love with...could he even dare to dream that it was with relief?
“I always knew that, How. And I always love you back,” Jason said, his blue eyes not leaving Howard’s. Howard’s hand dropped from Jason’s wrist. He was amazed and more than a little overwhelmed. Jason gave him a small smile before turning back towards the kitchen.
Once Jason was done tidying up, he came back over to the sofa, looking down at Howard with a sympathetic smile.
“Jay...” Howard whispered, his lips hardly moving. Jason’s eyes flicked edgily away from him then came straight back.
“Hey,” he murmured in reply.
“Jay, I...I...” Howard stammered and Jason let out a long sigh.
“Come on, love, you should try and get some sleep,” he said quietly and Howard’s face fell.
“But I can’t...sleep. Not...” he stopped abruptly but there was understanding on Jason’s face.
“You can’t sleep without me?” he asked with a sigh, looking back at Howard with a look that told him instantly that Jason couldn’t really sleep without him either. Howard nodded dumbly. They had ruined each other so beautifully. Without another word, Jason gave Howard’s shoulder a small push, giving a little nod of his head to make Howard shuffle along the sofa slightly. Howard obliged, a little uncertain as to where this was going but willing to do anything Jason told him. Jason sat himself down then, curling his legs around before turning to Howard and pushing him back down against the sofa cushions. Howard looked up at him uncertainly but Jason simply nodded that he was sure before shifting himself slightly and lying down against Howard’s chest. Although he was on the verge of sleep, he could still feel the Jason’s heartbeat on top of his own.
“I’m so sorry,” Howard mumbled sleepily but Jason shushed him.
“Come on, love, get some rest,” he said.
“But, Jay...” Howard began to protest.
“Howard, just get some rest.”
***
Howard couldn’t do anything to contain the relief he felt when he woke up still surrounded by Jason’s presence. Jason was no longer lying on top of him, Howard, and Howard noticed that pillows from the bedroom had been placed under his head at some point. They smelt of Jason, Howard noted with a smile. As if reading his mind, Jason appeared in front of him then.
“Your pillowcases needed washing so I gave you my pillows instead. The bed’s made now too, and Grace’s. And I did the kitchen...” Jason began and Howard smiled faintly.
“I’m crap at running this place. It’s your place...our place,” he pointed out and Jason returned his quiet smile. A small pause elapsed between them before Jason spoke again.
“I have to go now, Howard,” he said quietly, looking at his hands. Howard had known it was coming but it still stung. It was too much to ask to be forgiven. Especially not in this way. He couldn’t gain forgiveness by getting drunk, perhaps sympathy but not forgiveness.
“I’m falling apart, Jay,” he sighed, rubbing his forehead, his head throbbing. Jason bit his lip before picking up his coat from the arm of the sofa, rummaging through the pockets until he found a small packet of painkillers.
“Here, take these. I left some breakfast in the fridge for you. Give it five minutes in the microwave. You’ll feel better after food, I promise you,” he told Howard gently. Howard nodded.
“Jay...” he began sadly but Jason took a step forwards, placing his hand softly on the back of Howard’s neck. His fingertips sent shivers of electricity through Howard’s body. Howard felt the coolness of his wedding ring and took comfort in it immediately.
“Take care of yourself, ok? And no more throwing the mail around, love, you’ll upset the postman,” Jason murmured. With a timidly rueful smile Howard glanced at the pile of letters which Jason had stacked in front of him, feeling somewhat foolish at the exposure of his disarray under Jason’s gaze. Without another word Jason stooped and gave him a kiss on top of his head before turning around and leaving, the door closing behind him with a gentle thud. For a moment Howard looked at the closed door, wondering why it could be that the loss of Jason’s presence didn’t sting so much anymore. And then he realised what it was; he scanned back over last night and that morning and he smiled. Jason had called him ‘Love’ again.
With sudden determination in his step, Howard set to work. He showered and changed and he savoured his home-cooked breakfast before brushing all his mail into his bag. With one last look around the apartment he slung the bag over his shoulders and headed out of the door. First he had to go and meet with someone about a possible gig, but as soon as that was over he was going to The Crown. He’d read his mail whilst he ate a good pub lunch then he’d go to Justin’s and get Jason back. Jason still loved him. He did. Be he had a lot to make up to him, and as confident as he was of Jason’s love, he couldn’t help but worry that maybe he was just too much of a screw up to really sort this mess out. He pushed the worry to the back of his mind and locked the door behind him. He’d work it out because he had to. Jason loved him just as much as he loved Jason. He’d been saying it all along, Howard realised. And now he needed to prove that he’d finally listened.
***
“Remind me again why we bother opening up the shop on Sundays? Shouldn’t everyone be in church...or...something...” Mark moaned for the hundredth time since they’d left the house. Gary simply rolled his eyes, unlocking the shop door and holding it open for Mark.
“Church? Chance would be a fine thing, there’s a match on today you know!” he pointed out. Mark crinkled his nose, tying his scarf elegantly around a clarinet and throwing his hat down on top of a violin. Gary chuckled, shrugging off his coat and scarf and hanging them tidily behind the door.
“Still, are people really likely to want to stock up on ‘Piano Carols’ or make a last minute purchase of a baby grand to keep them entertained at half time?” Mark sighed dramatically, twirling momentarily in the small space the shop allowed him before plonking himself firmly on the staircase. Gary suspected Mark was unlikely to move for the rest of the day.
“It’s a sight I’d like to see. I might even part with one of the good pianos to watch Rooney and co perform me a merry half time ditty,” he mused, moving into the next room to rummage under the counter for the cash box, the till watching him contemptuously from its dusty perch. He had reassured it every day of Jason’s absence; ‘Don’t worry, Jay will come back for you’. But it didn’t believe him and it blamed him greatly for its increasing state of neglect and the layer of dust that had settled on top of it; ‘Jason never ignored me this way’.
“I was thinking we were selling to the fans not the footballers...in any case, it’s not going to happen, so there’s no need for us to be here” Mark called out to him and Gary turned, keen to leave the angry till behind him and deal with his mildly annoyed husband.
“Mark, my dear, sweet, lovely, wonderful, beautiful – nay; adorable! – husband, I beg of you, get over it! We’re opening. Jay’s spoilt you, doing Sundays for so long...” Gary pointed out and he watched with amusement as Mark wavered under the weight of compliments Gary had given to him to choose from. But Gary knew the peace couldn’t last for long.
“No. Still not having it. Come on, Gaz, please let’s go home, it’s never too late for a lie-in...” he pleaded but Gary narrowed his eyes.
“Mark Owen, I know exactly what your definition of a ‘lie-in’ is and I don’t think it’s half as relaxing as the traditional sense of the term. Now, I presume I’m making the tea since you’re going to be sulking with me?” he smiled gently and Mark didn’t know whether to laugh or pout.
“I’m going to need about fifty sugars...but I love you anyway,” Mark concluded and Gary nodded.
“Smashing – I love you too. But we’re still not going home,” he grinned before heading off to the back room, leaving Mark pouting and huffing alone on the stairs.
As Gary boiled the kettle, he whistled an absent-minded tune to himself and scanned about the room, which was, surprisingly, not falling into disarray without Jason keeping a check on everything. Gary had spent so many years now being chided for making a mess that he instinctively kept cleaning up after himself, as if there was a mini-Jason in his head controlling his every move. Then his eyes fell on the two mugs left on the mug-tree. Blue and green. Gary couldn’t remember when everything in the shop had to become colour-coded but it had had time to become quite engrained in him now. His and Jason’s world had originally been so simple. Jason told Gary to keep his chin up then went and read and played guitar and thought a lot and Gary sat with the pianos and wrote music and drank far too much tea. And then Mark had arrived. And things weren’t too much more complicated. There were a lot of laughs and there was a lot of music sharing and the only real upheaval was that suddenly Jason started finding fluff-covered sweets down the side of every surface in the shop. Gary didn’t like to blame Howard’s arrival for the chaos, but he had to say he felt the two events were linked. Jason falling in love had not been on the cards, or at least Gary hadn’t thought it was. Jason flirted with anything with legs, as far as Gary could tell, but he never settled down. He was no heartbreaker, the flirting was innocent enough and there was little promise of anything more. And, looking back, Gary supposed that the whole falling in love thing had caught Jason by surprise as much as anyone else. That was the reason that chaos had been allowed to set in, Gary concluded. Little clusters of unorganised stock began to appear in the back room, half-melted Kit Kat bars could be found almost anywhere because Jason hadn’t bothered to put them away (and Mark, of course, had long since forgotten about them), Gary’s favourite mug frequently got given to Mark or Howard or Jason might pick it up for himself and then contentedly hand over his own mug to just about anyone, which was most out of character for him. It had been madness. At some point Jason had noticed. Gary supposed that was when everything became colour-coded. It was Jason’s way of getting himself back into order, his way of trying to make up for his happy, care-free, non-OCD days with a good old dose of hard thinking and needless effort. Gary had been allowed red; his favourite mug was red so everything else that was his became red, red stickers adorned the spoons and plates and pens and notepads that Jason had designated as Gary’s and even the shop’s tiny fridge had had to be split into four sections. Gary’s red section of the fridge was usually full of biscuits and milk, whilst Mark’s yellow section overflowed with anything that looked like it could rot your teeth and Jason’s blue section was neatly stacked with suspiciously organic looking yoghurts and sometimes the odd bit of fruit. Meanwhile Howard’s green section remained largely empty. The man himself cluttered up the place a great deal, filled whole rooms with wires and limbs and laughter, but he usually took his stuff with him. Gary wondered for a moment if that should have troubled him more; Howard’s transient presence in their warm and eccentric little world. But then he looked at the mug tree again, Jason and Howard’s mugs side by side. He stirred his tea a little crossly. He was angry with himself for even thinking it. After all, if you had your own mug and the majority of people in the shop knew how to make your tea, then you belonged. That was Gary’s rule anyway.
Pushing his worries to the back of his mind, Gary returned to the steps and handed Mark his mug.
“Mm, thank you Gaz,” Mark smiled, taking a sip and closing his eyes.
“I don’t know how you can call that stuff tea. It’s milk and sugar, nowt else,” Gary remarked.
“I know, lovely isn’t it?” Mark shot back quickly, beaming up at Gary innocently.
“Oh you think you’re so cute with your smile and your little quiff and your big bright eyes, but I know all your secrets, Mark Owen, and not all of them are pretty,” Gary teased.
“But everything about me is pretty,” Mark contested lightly and Gary chuckled, shaking his head.
“What, even that hair-at-all-angles look when you wake me up at three in the morning insisting that I get you beans on toast...it didn’t look pretty where I was lying I’ll tell you that much,” he pointed out and Mark elbowed him in the side, sloshing tea around dangerously.
“I was hungry!” he insisted and Gary nodded slowly.
“And I was sleepy,” he countered. Mark rolled his eyes.
“You and your sleep! You’re so picky about how many hours you get. Just sleep and stop setting the alarm, it never did me any damage,” he told Gary with another slosh of tea.
“Are you drinking that or trying to decorate the shop?! Anyway, you know I can’t sing if I can’t sleep. I can barely talk!” Gary pointed out, dodging the tea-wave.
“You’re very high-maintenance,” Mark assured, well aware of his hypocrisy. Gary nodded.
“And you’re creating tea-artwork on my legs,” he deadpanned. Mark waved a vague hand.
“Be worth millions when I’m famous!” he promised, glittering smile flashing wildly.
“Famous for what exactly? Tea-art, scalding people’s legs, making no sense or grinning like a pixie?” Gary questioned but before Mark could answer, Gary’s mobile began to ring.
“Gary! Wonderful, I didn’t know if you’d be up. It’s Jonathan. Listen, I know we’re sending the demo out soon but I’ve lined up a couple of sessions at some rehearsal space for you, just in case you get as far as having to do a showcase for any of these labels. Just thought I should warn you, try and keep yourself clear mid-April, ok?” Jonathan’s voice half-boomed at Gary down the line. A wave of panic hit Gary then and he swallowed nervously.
“Um, listen, Jonathan...there’s something you should know. Jason and Howard aren’t...” he began, looking at Mark desperately, needing some sort of advice on how to break this to Jonathan.
“Aren’t what? There? Well? Available? Oh God...don’t you dare tell me they aren’t together anymore! They made vows at that wedding of theirs didn’t they?! Gary, go and tell them they made vows!” Jonathan gasped and Gary could hear him flapping so he took a deep breath.
“No, calm down Jonathan, it’s fine. Jason and Howard aren’t...going...to...um” Gary looked at Mark once more and Mark bit his lip in thought before suddenly grabbing the phone from Gary and pressing the speaker button, sloshing more tea over Gary’s legs as he did so.
“Jonathan! Hi! Listen, what Gary is trying to say is...that Jay and Howard aren’t...um...going to like it...” he tried and Gary nodded, this could work.
“Like what?!” Jonathan questioned, sounding suspicious.
“Mid-April...their anniversary’s then you know...” Gary put in and Jonathan’s sigh of relief was long.
“Thank God, I thought my band was falling apart just when I was getting somewhere! Christ. Look, tell ‘em it won’t be more than a day, probably just an afternoon. Hell, I’ll promise them just an hour as long as they celebrate that anniversary and don’t dream of breaking up on me!! Anyway, I’m sorry lads but I’ve really got to dash. Call me if Jay and Howard take more convincing,” and with that, Jonathan hung up, leaving a mildly stunned and troubled Mark and Gary to hope against hope that their optimism that everything would be okay wasn’t horribly, terribly overblown.
***
“Jay! Finally, I can’t believe you’ve been out all....God, you’re smiling!” Justin exclaimed when Jason finally got home. Jason simply rolled his eyes, hanging up his coat and heading for the lounge, Justin following him in intrigue.
“Alert the press why don’t you,” Jason sighed, collapsing onto the sofa.
“Sorry, I just figured...I don’t know, that you’d be fuming with him,” Justin shrugged, perching on the arm of the sofa and trying to read into his brother’s expression.
“Maybe I should be,” Jason replied, closing his eyes a moment. Justin frowned.
“Ok...but you’re not?” he clarified and Jason laughed softly.
“No, I’m not. He’s just miserable, you know? And I can’t blame him. It’s been horrible for me, not being with him...and I’m the one that left! Imagine how he must be feeling,” he shrugged and Justin raised an eyebrow.
“So I take it he’s convinced you he loves you then?” he remarked and Jason’s smile grew a little.
“Not that I’d doubted it for more than a millisecond but...yeah. He loves me. And...I think he’s finally realised that all the luck he thinks is his...is for both of us, you know?” he sighed slightly.
“Then why on earth are you back here? I could have brought your stuff round!” Justin pointed out, looking at his brother in confusion. But Jason looked mildly indignant.
“Er, he was still drunk! Which, although possibly excusable last night, was part of the original problem. I do have some standards you know,” he protested and Justin chuckled.
“Alright, keep your hair on, I was just wondering. So what now then?” he asked.
“He loves me and he knows I love him. When he clears his head a little bit, he’ll call or come round or something and he will say sorry and explain and then I will go home,” Jason explained slowly, his brow creasing slightly as he thought it over.
“What, today?” Justin questioned and Jason nodded.
“Has to be. I can’t bear another day of loving each other from a distance, it’s bloody knackering,” he told Justin, closing his eyes and leaning his head back.
“I’ll keep away from the phone then,” Justin smiled and Jason grinned.
“Cheers Justin,” he said as his brother left the room.
Jason couldn’t help but smile to himself as he settled in to wait for Howard. He had hardly noticed himself gently calling Howard ‘Love’, hadn’t had to think twice before letting him curl up and sleep in his embrace. It just came naturally to him, it was easier to do it than not to. He had missed him so much. He’s missed his arms around him, missed the way he would sleepily kiss him in morning, the way he’d watch him with those thoughtful blue eyes, trying to find beauty in even the most mundane of moments. He couldn’t wait to crash into his arms again, wrap his arms around Howard’s neck and feel the light scratch of his stubble against his cheek. It was time to go home – and by home he didn’t mean his apartment. Although it had been nice to straighten the place out. Bless him, Howard had done his best to keep it tidy, Jason could tell that much. Howard himself had needed a little straightening out too mind you, what with his mysterious bruises and his aching heart and his neglecting to wear a coat during a late cold-snap.
Making his way upstairs he could still remember his mother’s fond concern the day of his wedding. She had slipped in to talk to him in a rare moment alone under the pretence of enquiring after Gary’s whereabouts. But as soon as she had popped her head around the door Jason had known she was there to worry about him. After all, he didn’t get that trait from nowhere. No, she had been there to fret mildly after her favourite son. Jason had realised relatively early on in life that she told all her sons that they were her favourite, but that didn’t stop any of them letting themselves believe it from time to time. And when she’d appeared that day Jason had let himself believe it with a little smile. ‘Please, sweetheart, just tell me for the thousandth time you’re sure’ had been her words as she’d sat down, taking his hand and stroking the back of it with her thumb. Jason had put his other hand on top of hers and smiled. ‘Mum’ he had sighed softly but the look she had given him told him she needed a bit more of a promise than that. He’d wondered about just telling her he was sure and that she’d better go before Mark came back from ordering the florist around. But then he’d thought of Howard. Howard, with his rough-around-the-edges beauty and his silent strength and that reluctant laugh of his when he was teased and those eyes that could know everything going on in his head with a single look. And he had known he owed Howard a bit more than empty placation. So instead he looked his mum in the eyes and made her a promise; ‘Mum, he is flawed. And he is chaotic. And he is a messy bugger. And I know his muscles terrify Nan. But... I love him despite it. And I love him because of it. And he’s probably going to give me a fair few heart-attacks but...he’d never forgive himself if he managed to break my heart, so it’s a pretty safe bet that he just won’t take the risk’. It had been enough to please him mum.
Looking back, Jason couldn’t help but think he should take his own advice. But that was hard to do as the hours began to tick by and Howard still didn’t call. Another hour and Jason curled up on his bed. Still no Howard. An hour and a half more passed and Jason had to turn the photograph by his bed face down, he wouldn’t polish it today. But still no Howard. And by the time Justin and his wife were huddled together on the sofa after dinner, Jason had actually turned to anger. The photograph was in a drawer, his phone had been flung across his room and his stuff had been flung from his suitcase...and promptly tidied up again but it had scared Justin nonetheless. He didn’t know where Howard was or what he was doing, but he had better show up with a bloody good excuse sometime soon or Justin was actually going to have to act on one of his earlier threats, even if it was just to snap Jason out of his fractured mood.
***
Dear Howard,
I first must ask you to forgive me for addressing you in this way. I know I have no right to but I rewrote the start of this letter about fifty times in my head and couldn’t find a single way that was appropriate. You must have no idea who I am or why I am writing to you and I’m afraid that when I tell you, you may never read what I have to say. I couldn’t blame you if you tore this letter to shreds but I must hope that instead you will keep it in a draw somewhere, try and forget about it, ignore it until a day when you are ready to deal with it. I hope you will be ready to deal with it someday, I sincerely do, but I will understand if that day comes long in the future, or even if it never comes at all. I must explain. My name is Emily Chappell. I know you could well be tearing this paper about now but I will try and explain anyway, I promise. Ashcroft House is the facility in which they have been helping me with my ‘physiological rehabilitation’, or that’s how they phrase it. It is a wonderful place, far better than anywhere I may have ended up without the kind words Jason put in for me – goodness knows how he could bear to do that, I suppose you must have struggled to understand yourself how he could be so generous to someone who had hurt the two of you so badly. For the past year I have been recovering here and, though I am anything but cured, I am what they refer to a lot as ‘more stable’, though I hate the phrase myself. I have, for the past few weeks, been trying to go over the events that brought me to this place in a way that I hope will help me deal with them properly, eventually anyway, and I have found that it is your name that has been the hardest to untangle in my mind. I had honestly convinced myself that you were responsible for taking my husband away and all those emotions got so mixed up in my mind that I’ve found it very hard to separate everything in my head without first apologising to you. You probably hate me, but I felt I had to at least try and talk to you and ask you if you could bear to talk to me, just for a little while? I don’t expect you to be rushing in to visit me, I hardly expect you to come at all. But I am asking you if you would hear my apology in person at least, some day anyway. It may sound ridiculous to you, but maybe the talk could help us both? I have enclosed a map and the visiting hours here, should you decide to come here and, whilst I know better than to think you owe me anything, I hope to see you soon.
Yours sincerely,
Emily Chappell
Howard had sat in silence for a minute, watching everyone else in The Crown move around him in slow motion. He hadn’t been sure what he should feel. He’d supposed he should feel angry, just as she expected him to feel. But he hadn’t felt angry. He’d felt...he’d felt like he wanted to talk to her. He had glanced at his watch. It had taken him most of the day to try to get himself together, to attempt to dispel the insecurity in him that told him he would never be good enough for Jason, trying to fix himself so that he could properly fix his marriage. He’d glanced at the map and the visiting hours then and he just wasn’t able to shake the strange sensation that before he did anything else he had to talk to her. He guessed that, after his display last night, it was unlikely Jason would take him back today and, if he left right then, he could get to Ashcroft House with an hour before the visiting hours ended. He’d stared at the letter a moment longer and taken a deep breath. He couldn’t explain it but it was something he simply had to do, so he had shoved the letter in his pocket and all but ran to his car, not entirely sure he was thinking straight and not entirely sure that that bothered him. And now here he was. Still not convinced he was doing the right thing, but convinced that he was going to find out.
Chapter Five
They couldn’t be sure how long they stared at each other. It was longer than was strictly polite for a first meeting but neither one of them could tear their eyes away. Besides, this wasn’t your typical first meeting. Emily stared up at Howard with a mixture of fright and awe and as he took in her delicate features he couldn’t get over how fragile she seemed. He supposed that in his head he had tried to demonise her, his way of trying to shut out the sympathy and maintain the anger he wanted to feel towards her. Her eyes were wide and cat-like, sapphire blue and glittering quietly beneath her long lashes. She had an elfin face, wide and open and pale, framed by soft locks of light blonde hair that fell with a natural curl. Emily also found herself surprised by the man she saw. She supposed she should have known that a man like Jason would have impeccable taste, but she still couldn’t help but be surprised. She’d only ever seen him from a distance before and he’d seemed a bedraggled figure to her. But here he was, dark black curls falling handsomely across his forehead and a good showing of stubble grazing his face. He was tall too, and muscular. Jason was strong but he was waif-like, his muscles all concentrated in his arms. Howard was different all together; he looked like he had actually eaten a meal in his life for a start. When their eyes met she saw the pale, cloudy blue of his stare and her fear melted somewhat. He looked...lost? Nervously, she inclined her head towards the gardens, hoping he would catch her meaning. It was raining but he had an umbrella and a walk would probably do them both good. He nodded his agreement and slowly they turned, heading out of the door and down the steps.
For a while they walked in silence, listening to the patter of the rain on his umbrella and staring at the pathway they were walking along. They had no idea how to greet one another, never mind how to tell each other what was on their mind. And yet somehow the silence wasn’t awkward. Howard risked another glance at Emily. She seemed so harmless and yet she was responsible for a huge, black raincloud that had stretched over his life for months. But then, he wasn’t exactly an angel himself was he? He’d managed to drive the second most patient person he’d ever known (because surely even Jason couldn’t be more patient than his mum!) out of the door. If anything he was worse than Emily. He had no unbalanced mental state to blame, he was just an idiot. He’d known what was at stake. Hell, it was thanks to Emily that he knew exactly what losing Jason would be like, giving him all the more incentive not to let it happen again.
“I didn’t think you’d come at all, if I’m honest,” Emily said in a small voice. She had a South London lilt to her voice, Howard noticed.
“I s’pose I might not have done, in different circumstances. Desperate times, desperate measures,” Howard mumbled. Emily couldn’t help but smile as she detected the faint whisper of a lisp in his words. For a moment the two of them looked at one another, taking in the sudden human reality that was beginning to break down their imagined versions of each other. Then Emily took a deep breath, biting her lip.
“So I...I uh...” she tried and Howard looked at his feet.
“You can ask, I don’t mind,” he sighed and Emily nodded a little uncertainly.
“Why did you come...since...since it doesn’t sound to me like you came to hear what it was I had to say,” she tried, screwing up her pretty face as she tied herself in knots. Howard could see now why Jason had extended so much kindness to her after what had happened. Howard had stayed well out of it. Before the hearings, Jason would look at him with understanding and disappointment and say; ‘Ok...well, I’ll go on my own in that case’. And Howard would justify it using his anger towards her. Emily and Jason hadn’t met since what had happened but she had been informed of all the trouble he had gone to and the guilt and worry about that showed on her face.
“Because...because it felt like the right thing to do. Because I haven’t got anyone else to turn to who hasn’t just got things I already know to tell me,” Howard shrugged at last. Emily smiled slightly.
“Like what?” she asked him and he laughed a deflated, hollow laugh.
“Like; I’m an idiot. Like; I should sort my own messes out. Like; Jason is the best thing that ever happened to me and I need to go round to him right this second and explain everything. But they don’t seem to realise that that won’t solve the problem,” he told her, surprising himself a little with his honesty. Emily, however, continued to watch their feet as they walked.
“So...so you and Jason are...” she began, unsure how to put it. Howard shook his head.
“We’re still married, if that’s what you’re trying to ask. And I know he still loves me and...God knows I still love him but...but...but why am I telling you all this?!” he frowned, shaking his head. Emily smiled, laughing quietly and shrugging.
“I don’t know, it came as a bit of a shock to me too. I could forget you’d said anything if you’d like. We could just walk in silence ‘til we get back and then you can go home and forget about me. It’s probably better that you do. I probably shouldn’t have written and...” she began but Howard shook his head, waving a hand to stop her and looking up at the grey sky.
“No...no...I...it’s ok. Honestly,” he insisted and Emily risked a sidelong glance at him before nodding.
“Ok. So...you’re in love but not strictly together?” she ventured, her voice so tiny and quiet that Howard hardly heard her above the rain, which was beginning to ease.
“Something like that. And I don’t think I can fix it until I fix me. But no one will tell me how to do that and...and I’m starting to think maybe this is just the way my life is best lived. Alone, that is,” he said, his own voice oddly soft. Emily looked up at him then, her face caring.
“What on earth could you ever do to make Jason want to be away from you?” she questioned, eyes wide. Her wonderment raised a smile from Howard.
“Behave like a complete twat,” he told her bluntly. It was clear that she didn’t know whether to laugh or whether to stay silent, obviously still nervous as to how to talk to him at all.
“But...I’m guessing he knew you were a twat when he married you...” she teased tentatively, looking at him with mild anxiousness, wondering if she was allowed to do anything so casual as tease him. Despite himself Howard chuckled and nodded slowly, turning his gaze back to the rain.
“Yeah, he did. He reminds me at regular intervals too, just in case. But he couldn’t even do that if I was avoiding him...which I was. But not because I wanted to, not really,” he sighed after a breath and Emily’s sapphire eyes glimmered up at him
“You avoided him?!” she asked in disbelief and for a moment Howard had to wonder exactly what her impression of him had been. She’d led him to believe that in her unsettled state, he had been considered by her as a husband-stealing creep, but from the way she looked at him, she seemed to believe him to be more than worthy of Jason’s love. If only he had such faith.
“See, now you think I’m a complete twat too, right?” he said with a rueful smile but Emily shook her head furiously, her expression almost child-like.
“No. No, I’ve got no right to think anything like that about you. But...well, still...you avoided him?!” she asked and Howard smiled slightly shyly.
“I have this...this tendency for screwing up my relationships. As soon as things seem to be perfect? I cock everything up with a monumental act of stupidity. I was trying to save Jason the hurt. But I was always way too much of a disaster to ever deserve someone like him. It was my efforts not to hurt him that ended up ruining everything. Anyone with a brain could have seen what I was doing but...I was too drunk or...too stressed...or...too something to really get the message before it was too late,” Howard explained, looking at his hands.
“But...but that makes no sense...” Emily began.
“Do insecurities ever make sense?” Howard interrupted but Emily continued.
“No, you don’t understand. I...I try not to think about...well, what happened, you know? But I remember some stuff. Some things Jason said, things he told me. When I...when I did anything that pushed him to his limit or hurt him or...it was you he would come back to. In his eyes you are everything he is in yours,” she assured him, a lock of hair falling in her eyes. Howard looked at her a moment, a frown creasing his forehead as he tried to think of what to say. They had neatly avoided the topic of why their paths had really crossed and now it had been mentioned he wasn’t sure how to react. He wondered if he should be upset by the memories or if it should hurt him to hear her talk about what had happened. But he was too surprised by her unshakeable belief that he was, in fact, good enough for Jason Orange.
“He tells me all of that too, you know. And I know he loves me, I do. God, do I know that, and I can’t believe my bloody luck. But that’s just the problem, it’s all luck. He is so incredibly out of my league and I was lucky to even meet him...” he said.
“But he loves you,” Emily pointed out and Howard smiled.
“But what is love, exactly? No one understands it, do they? He loves me now but...but he could love someone else so easily. Someone who wouldn’t hurt him the way I will,” he replied.
“Love is a truth, the truth doesn’t change,” Emily said resolutely.
“I love him, perhaps that is a truth. But if love is a truth then let it break my heart, let him break my heart, change his mind...as long as he’s happy...the truth is murder sometimes,” Howard answered softly.
“No you don’t. Don’t play the martyr. Look...I...I know it’s not my place to be telling you what to do or say or feel but...but I know there are no leagues in love. Love is just love and, I grant you, no one really understands it, but...but there’s no such thing as not good enough when someone loves you the way Jason loves you. Did he ever tell you how much faith he has in you? Because it’s a lot. That much I definitely remember. Do you know what he said? I remember it because...because it reminded me of exactly what I had lost. His whole world was being ripped apart around him and he just looked at me and said ‘I know Howard. He’s stubborn and he’d move mountains for me’...it was as simple as anything to him. You might be flawed, Howard, but he loves you just the way you love him, luck has nothing to do with it at all,” Emily’s words poured out and Howard stared at her as she spoke, mystified. They’d stopped walking and the rain was no longer falling but they hardly noticed. Howard’s heart beat a little faster as it finally sunk in and he could feel his cheeks burning. How many times had Jason tried to tell him exactly that? And yet it had taken Emily, of all people, to get through to him.
“Oh my God... I don’t...I didn’t...oh bugger. Bugger!”
“What?”
“How the hell can I ever justify this? How can I make up for doubting something like that? How the hell can I even begin to convince him...” Howard began to ramble.
“Show him you’ll always move mountains for him?” Emily suggested, interrupting him.
“How do I do that?” Howard asked, eyes searching Emily’s face. She smiled up at him sadly.
“Be stubborn,” she said and Howard laughed, nodding slowly.
“By not taking no for an answer?” he asked with a grin and Emily laughed timidly.
“Yeah, that might be a good start. And it wouldn’t hurt to remember that when he cries, it’s you he needs to hold him, no one else. He would never cry in front of me...no matter what. It’s the principle of the thing. You’re the only exception to him, the only one allowed past the walls. He might try and shut you out for a bit but...you're the only one who knows how to get back in again, I’m sure,” she told him steadily and he could see the tears in her eyes.
“The only exception?” he asked tentatively and she smiled.
“I saw his wedding band,” she said.
“Of course,” Howard murmured to himself. Jason’s promises, the ones he never hid from anyone, the ones Howard had managed to have faith in for all those months of rain but had forgotten for no reason for the sake of trying not to screw everything up.
“You know, I only brought you here to tell you how sorry I am...I...I can’t believe I would ever try and put someone through what I went through but that’s what I did and I...” Emily was saying but Howard simply put a gentle hand on her shoulder and she raised her eyes back to his.
“Emily, it’s ok. And if it helps any? You’ve probably just put us back together again,” Howard told her gently. Emily smiled and nodded slowly. Howard began to walk away and Emily bit her lip.
“Howard! Take care of him, ok?” she called after him and her heart stopped as he turned, she was so scared she’d gone too far. But then he smiled and nodded.
“Consider it done,” he called back, before disappearing down the path and out of her vision.
***
“I’ve made my mind up. I’m running away. I’m going to join a travelling circus and ride the elephants...or...walk the tightropes...or...whatever it is people who run away to the circus actually do,” Mark declared, sauntering into the bedroom and all but striking a pose. Gary looked up at him disconsolately from his place on the floor, straining to lift his neck enough to look at Mark before flopping back down in defeat and letting out a sigh.
“You’ve decided this why exactly?” he asked faintly, wincing a little and shifting. Mark looked at him, his face briefly clouding with pity before he turned elegantly on his heel and prepared to make a list.
“Well, first of all, I don’t want to die at the hands of a disgruntled band manager – Jonathan will never find me if I’m at the circus, there’s too many places to hide, he’ll be forced to blame you for lying to him and I’ll survive. Then there’s the fact my home needs fumigating...” he reeled off and Gary rolled his eyes. He’d been well aware he was marrying a drama queen, but it still never ceased to amaze him, Mark’s capacity to exaggerate infinite. And yet he couldn’t help but smile as he caught Mark’s eye. Mark, who was still pacing and listing and flouncing, flashed him one of those sunny little grins he was so good at, eyes a-glimmer, and Gary took his opportunity to interrupt.
“Hang on, rewind, fumigating?” he questioned and Mark nodded.
“Definitely. Poor Cadbury’s on his back in there! All four legs in the air, tongue lolling out. I’ll need a new dog too...do you think they’ll let me bring a dog into the circus?” he replied with a small frown. Gary turned his eyes heavenwards and laughed.
“You’re not running away to the circus. And Cadbury isn’t dying, he’s probably just annoyed that he’s missing the some reality show or other. Now, will you please, please, get the Tiger Balm off the side and come over here and look after me,” he begged. Mark pulled his best contemplative face.
“Hmm, I don’t know. It’s a lot of effort nursing you, Barlow. What are the magic words?” he questioned, picking up the Tiger Balm from on top of the chest of drawers and waving it tauntingly in Gary’s direction. Gary let out a groan but Mark just chuckled gently.
“Um...you’re gorgeous? Wonderful? Amazing? The most talented singer slash waiter slash elephant trainer that ever walked the earth? Light of my life? Perfect angel? Doctor Owen?!” he tried and Mark laughed some more before jumping over onto the bed, peering over the edge and down at Gary.
“I was thinking more...’I won’t ever try and reach Jason’s super-secret in-case-of-emergency biscuits when in the shop on my own again’...but thank you anyway, In-Patient Barlow,” he said brightly.
“Oh, and you would have reached them so much more easily would you?” Gary pouted slightly petulantly.
“Ok, I might not be as tall as Jason, but I am very agile you know. And I also don’t have a history of bad backs,” he pointed out, a sly grin spreading across his features and his pink tongue flashing out in taunt. If the thought of movement wasn’t so painful, then Gary was sure he would have pulled Mark into a kiss in a heartbeat. But seduction was not an option tonight.
“Maybe. But if it came to a race, I’d win. I’m fitter than you any day of the week,” Gary sighed, feeling he had to get one up on Mark somehow. Mark simply shrugged idly, rolling away from the edge of the bed and out of Gary’s eye line. He spread himself out on the bed and stared up at the ceiling, closing his eyes and savouring the feeling of having an entire bed to himself; he was almost tempted to go under the duvet and make the most of Gary not being able to steal the all the covers like usual, but he decided that would just be far too cruel.
“I don’t need to be as fit as you, I am naturally slim,” he told Gary and Gary pulled a face.
“Would that I had it so easy,” he lamented with a sudden attack of self-pity. Mark rolled his eyes.
“You beginning to see why Jason felt the need to hide the biscuits from you now?!” he teased.
“Eh! Jay may well be an incredibly neurotic man, but there’s only one reason he hid them biscuits; he’s nothing if not cunning. The Battle Of The Biscuits is just a small phase of the wider war that has been going on between us since the first second he bloody met me! And you know something, Markie? I really miss it!” Gary replied with a distant sigh. Mark rolled over, his head appearing over the edge of the bed again.
“But you’ve got me,” he tried gently.
“Yeah, but Jay would join me on the floor if I hurt my back, not hog the bed,” Gary chuckled.
“Since when were you and Jay bunking up?!” Mark said mischievously before rolling himself off the edge of the bed, landing on top of Gary with a thud.
“Ow,” Gary whimpered, though he wrapped his arms instinctively around Mark’s waist.
“Sorry...lolly?” Mark smiled innocently, producing two lollypops from one of his pockets. Gary could only shake his head and laugh.
“You are something else,” he murmured, kissing the top of Mark’s head affectionately.
“I know, aren’t I just!” Mark joked before tilting his head and giving Gary a long, lollypop flavoured kiss.
***
As she came into the apartment Grace narrowed her eyes, surveying the scene before her and then turning around sharply, fixing her dad with a pointed gaze.
“Jay’s been here,” she told him and Howard couldn’t help but laugh.
“Am I raising a police dog here?! Yes, Jay’s been here,” he agreed, putting his keys down on the breakfast bar and turning to get himself a glass of water. Grace dumped her bag on the sofa before coming over to the breakfast bar to join him, pulling herself onto a stool and folding her arms.
“Ok, so why isn’t he here anymore then?” she demanded and Howard took a deep breath.
“Because your father is a daft sod who needed to get his head straight before he could be fit to be in Jay’s sight,” he told her with a shrug, leaning on the counter.
“What?! Are you kidding me?! Dad it’s been forever!! Sort this out or I’m going to live with Jason. I mean it! If he divorces you, I’m done being your daughter,” Grace huffed. She’d been sure that, after a fortnight to get his act together, her dad would have got Jason back to them in seconds once he’d packed her off to her mum’s for the weekend. Evidently her dad wasn’t as slick as she was giving him credit for; Jason had been in the apartment and he still hadn’t got him to stay there! How could her dad have just let him come and then go again?! Howard recognised the look on her face and was quick to step in.
“There’s laws about that sort of thing you know, ones that imply blood’s thicker than water. Not that it matters. I’m not going to let him divorce me. He wouldn’t anyway...well, actually, that depends how mad he is right now. Probably very. But still, I have a plan, ok?” he tried. Grace fixed him with an enquiring look.
“Oh?” she asked, hope suddenly creeping back in.
“Yes. But I need you to stay with your uncle for the night...actually, considering how determined Jay can be? Maybe a few nights...” Howard replied and Grace took a breath.
“Which uncle?” she asked and Howard laughed, that hadn’t been the question he was expecting.
“To be confirmed, I haven’t phoned ‘em yet. Maybe your aunt’s a safer bet...” he mused.
“And when I come home, Jay will be back?” Grace asked next and Howard bit his lip, nodding slowly.
“Jay might not know it yet, but yes, he will be back,” he said, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips as he thought of being able to just be around Jason again.
“Fine. I’ll go and pack a bag then. But you’d better be right, dad!” Grace sighed dramatically, jumping down from her stool and disappearing down the corridor.
***
Jason stared up at the ceiling, listening to the sound of his own thoughts turning over and over in his head. Why hadn’t Howard come? He’d like to say the anger had largely gone now but he’d be lying if he did. It had changed from the prickling, door-slamming anger of that evening at least and had instead become a simmering feeling that burnt the back of his throat. Which he thought was possibly more unpleasant. He’d been so sure, so convinced, that there had been a shared moment of understanding between himself and Howard. He’d been prepared to overlook the fact he’d got drunk...again. He’d been willing to accept his mumbled apologies as enough. He’d even come to the conclusion that, no matter how crap the explanation for his behaviour was, whatever Howard told him he would accept completely, just to be back in his arms. Why on earth would Howard want to extend this torture? Because that’s what it was. Maybe that was why he was so angry, Jason thought with a sigh. Maybe if this whole business of being apart was actually bearable, he wouldn’t feel so utterly devastated by Howard’s lack of haste. And now Jason had reached the point where, no matter how much it pained him, he needed to retaliate. If Howard called now, he would not just do the easy thing and fall back into his arms. No. He would stand up for himself, the way that he had been brought up to do. He would make Howard go through the torture for a while, see how he liked it. Would he take him back eventually? That question was altogether more tangled in Jason’s head.
Howard Donald was, undoubtedly, his soul mate. If ever Jason found himself utterly alone in the world, at a loss, convinced that there was no one out there to understand the complicated network of thoughts and emotions that he was made up of, then he would think of Howard, talk life through with him. And the best part? Howard would understand. Somehow, even when Jason tried to hide his worries, Howard could find them out, he could know from a single look. And he was far too stubborn to ever take ‘I’m fine’ for an answer. Except on the times when Jason wanted him to take it as an answer – and Howard could always sense those times, he never needed telling. Whenever Jason was hurt or broken or when he came undone; there was Howard, ready to fix him. There was something about him that made Jason feel everything, magnifying all emotions, forcing him to allow himself to be broken but also bringing him even more alive when he was feeling happy. Nothing could really compare to that feeling. And nothing could compare to Howard. Part of Jason wanted to cry as he thought that. Because it was the one thing he was never able to convince Howard of. It hurt him, that Howard could fight blindly for him for eternity and still not realise just how easy it was for Jason to love him. But of all the traits to have, was that really such an inexcusable one?
Jason sniffed, taking in a breath to steady himself and prevent any tears from falling. He couldn’t do this. The time for letting Howard back in had passed. It was time to start readying himself for a very different sort of fight; a fight to keep Howard out. If it doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger, right? But Jason’s thoughts were interrupted by a sound at the window. He frowned, turning his head and looking at the window nervously. Then the sound came again. Like...like someone throwing something at the window? Another scratchy chink came from the window, and this time Jason felt sure he could see a tiny pebble graze the glass. Nervously he pulled himself out from under the duvet and padded over to the window, peering down into the garden outside. It took everything Jason had not to run down the stairs then and there, almost pained him not to sink into those arms and cry with relief and sadness and everything else. Howard looked so handsome in the moonlight. His hat was pulled down over his black locks, trapping a few curls tightly against his forehead, and the collar of his coat was tugged up to his ears, his arms half wrapped around himself. But there was a look of determination so clear to see in those eyes that Jason could feel it, even up in his room. For a moment the two of them looked each other. Jason almost raised a smile as he saw the way Howard’s eyes briefly flickered over his bare chest.
Sucking in a breath, he moved away from the window, pulling a hoody from the chair in the corner. He tugged it over his head, closing his eyes and trying to keep his resolve, trying to forget just how handsome Howard’s roguish face had looked under the stars and the streetlamps. Then he reached over and opened the window, leaning out as if to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. It was a cold night considering it was almost April but Howard barely seemed to notice, his eyes fixed firmly on Jason.
“Can we talk?” Howard called up and Jason stared down at him for what felt like a lifetime. Jason felt himself wavering, caving in, all the walls he’d been trying to put up around his heart tumbling down. Shoddy workmanship, he thought to himself, musing briefly that maybe, just maybe, all the determination in the world couldn’t keep out the destructive powers of his love for one stupid, beautiful, infuriating prince of a man. He could feel his heart starting to resign itself to the fact that he just wasn’t strong enough to sustain this anger against Howard. But, just as he was about to nod, race down the stairs and into Howard’s embrace, he found the anger building up again. All those nights when he had waited up for Howard to come to him and he’d chosen to show up drunk instead flicked past him in his mind. His hand twitched slightly from where it rested on the window and he decided that, if he closed his eyes and blacked out the image of Howard, down there, alone in the moonlight, he could just about bring himself to resolve that Howard needed a taste of his own medicine.
Howard jumped slightly as Jason slammed the window shut with force and did the unthinkable; he closed the curtains. Jason never slept with the curtains closed – in his own home he didn’t even bother putting the things up in the first place. But closed they were. Howard and the moonlight were shut out in one go. Jason stalked back to the bed, well aware that he had also blocked out any chance of a good night’s sleep. But then, he hadn’t been sleeping anyway, this was just a different form of torture. He glanced at the bedside table and was slightly surprised to find that the picture he had looked at before bed each night was gone. And then he remembered. Silently he pulled it out of the draw, looking at it briefly before hugging it to his chest and closing his eyes. Sleep would be hard to come by tonight. But he had to try.
Meanwhile, outside, Howard could only sigh. He’d guessed that something like this would happen, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. He wouldn’t give up though, he reminded himself. Stubborn as hell, remember? Move mountains, remember? Instead he pulled his coat around him a little tighter and made his way back towards the front door, curling up on the porch and hoping that somehow he could get some sleep. Maybe by the morning Jason would be willing to talk to him. But he wouldn’t hold his breath.
***
Jason could feel the smile on his lips before his mind was able to catch up and prevent it. Those walls he’d built up to keep Howard out had well and truly and for all that he had been hiding behind the rubble, he couldn’t resist the urge to peek out and look at that beautiful face. It seemed the walls of his defences did not had foundations as solid as those of his and Howard’s relationship. Jason stood at the front door, Howard curled up at his feet, and let out a long, thoughtful sigh. He could just give in. He wanted to give in. Howard’s dark curls were still trapped against his skin by his hat, wispy and partially flattened, framing his sleeping face. It was only when Howard was asleep that those eyebrows of his stopped knotting and unknotting and Jason only just managed to stop himself from stroking his fingertips across that unusually thought-free forehead. From the way Howard was curled up tight against the elements, Jason could only assume that he had been here all night, curled up on the porch in an act of stubbornness that had to be admired – Jason would always give credit where credit was due, even to those he didn’t usually care for. There was always so much to be enchanted by when it came to Howard Donald. He was Just A Bloke; you know, one of those people you had to like. He didn’t pretend to be anything he wasn’t and he possessed a trusting, laid-back nature that invited friendship easily, once you got past his shyness at least. He told rude jokes and was a ruthless tease, he was a messy bugger and couldn’t help it, he could be moody as anything if he didn’t get enough sleep or sunshine...but for some reason the imperfections just made him all the more approachable, sealed the deal for his Just A Bloke status. It made him safe and undeniably likeable. And God was he stubborn. After all, here he was still, refusing to just go home and let Jason be mad with him. Jason sighed. Howard still smelt like Howard and he realised he’d missed that scent – he smelt like pillows and hairspray.
When Howard opened his eyes, Jason knew he should move, but he couldn’t quite summon up the energy. Howard himself seemed to be rooted to the spot, staying still but for rubbing one of his eyes and yawning, looking nervously up at Jason from his place on the floor. God, Jason could break a heart with a look – the thought struck Howard without his permission, fighting its way to the front of his half-asleep brain and lodging itself there. It had queue-jumped all his other thoughts, elbowing to one side all practicalities such as ‘How’d I end up here?’ and ‘When did I last eat or drink anything?’ and keeping his eyes from looking anywhere but Jason’s face. Yes, Jason Orange needed to be careful what direction he pointed that thing, Howard almost chuckled to himself. Jason was, by many accounts, the good looking brother of the Orange clan. In fact, in Howard’s experience, it was Jason’s siblings themselves that saw things this way, and really Howard was never going to contest such a notion. Jason had inherited a square jaw and narrow chin, thin lips and a grin that used up every muscle in his face. And then, of course, there were his bright, beady blue eyes – twinkly and devastating. He invited you to fall in love with him, or at least, that was how Howard had described him to his sister once, back when things were just starting to get serious between him and Jason. And it was true. Jason projected an honesty that Howard supposed helped people identify with him – he seemed so genuine, so down to earth so...so human...that people were too disarmed to fight against his charm and his good looks. And by the time they realised what was happening to them, they’d already been drawn in by his flaws and his complexities and his quiet humour. Jason didn’t mean to break hearts with a look, it was never his intention. All he had to do was smile, and there they were, drawn into him helplessly, all the while realising there was every chance Jason himself would have forgotten them tomorrow, unaware of just how far he had pulled them in.
Wordlessly Jason folded stepped over Howard, grabbing up the paper. He turned and for a moment Howard and Jason’s eyes were locked again. Jason saw the Just A Bloke he loved to bicker with. Howard saw the disarming beauty he so enjoyed trying to disentangle. Howard noticed Jason’s hands twitch slightly around the paper, tracing a finger along his wedding ring with a thoughtful look in his eyes. In his pocket Howard mirrored the movement, reminding himself that Jason had chosen him. The only exception, always. He’d chosen him because he a was a stubborn bastard and he would do anything for Jason.
“Mornin’,” Howard said softly, his voice gravelly from lack of sleep. He saw the small smile that Jason tried to hide from him and that stopped him from being disheartened when Jason stepped over him once more and firmly closed the door behind him.
Once inside Jason swallowed hard, trying to stop his heartbeat from stuttering. He pressed his back against the door and closed his eyes, tilting his head back and taking in a shaky breath. Justin, who had just been coming down the stairs, stopped in the hallway and watched his brother uncertainly, quirking an eyebrow.
“The paper boy getting on your nerves or am I missing something?” he frowned, running a hand through his hair and stifling a yawn. Jason opened his eyes and shrugged, heading towards the kitchen. Justin followed, still waiting for an explanation but also hoping for some breakfast.
“Howard spent the night on your porch,” Jason said as he switched on the kettle.
“What, the whole night?!” Justin remarked in surprise, raising his eyebrows.
“Pretty much. He wanted to talk, I slammed a window in his face and...well...Howard obviously decided he wasn’t talking no for an answer. Stubborn bastard,” Jason replied and Justin grinned.
“You almost smiled when you said that,” he pointed out and Jason pulled a face.
“Shove off,” he protested weakly, suddenly fascinated by watching the kettle boil.
“It was freezing last night,” Justin went on, ignoring his brother entirely.
“Justin!” Jason complained, a little more forcefully this time.
“You know, you love the fact he’s such a stubborn git...” Justin began.
“Bastard. Stubborn bastard, I said,” Jason corrected with a childish glower. Justin just smirked.
“Fine. You love the fact that he’s such a stubborn bastard then. You’re pretty bloody stubborn yourself you know. Besides, you come from a family full of people willing to fight for each other to the death – that’s a quality you’ve always searched for outside of the Orange clan. As soon as you found someone who would fight for you like that and then some? You married him. I’m just saying Jay...you love him like crazy and you’ve got him sitting out there showing you he will battle for you. How long are you going to keep torturing yourself by keeping that door closed, eh?” Justin pressed.
“Justin, my head and my heart disagree with each other at the best of times. And where Howard is concerned? They have a tendency to stop speaking to each other entirely,” Jason sighed, taking two mugs from the mug tree and looking away from Justin’s searching gaze.
“Fuck off,” Justin chuckled bluntly and Jason couldn’t help but laugh.
“I’m serious Justin. He just...he makes me feel everything, and I don’t know if it’s safe to let anyone have that much hold over me. I thought it was but...but if he doesn’t even understand what he’d capable of...” Jason sighed but Justin simply rolled his eyes.
“He’d move heaven and earth for you, Jay. You know it about him, you love it about him and you are powerless against it. He’s worked out he screwed up and he’s doing something about it. I give it a day before you cave in,” he told his twin with a nod, taking his tea and moving to leave. Jason sucked in his cheeks, putting his hands on his hips and frowning with mild irritation.
“I suppose you still want me to get your breakfast after that little lecture though,” he called and Justin turned on his heel, standing in the doorway with an innocent smile on his face.
“We’re family, you have a duty to me,” he told Jason with a shrug and Jason had to laugh as he watched his twin breeze off, leaving him to come up with some breakfast for them.
***
“You will never guess who is camped out on my porch!” Justin declared, bursting into the cafe, which was a lot more full than he’d been banking on. Several heads swivelled round but Mark was quickest, turning so swiftly on his heel that he almost sent chocolate milkshake and cheesecake flying all over the room. The woman whose order it was tentatively reached up and removed the items from his tray – she was a regular and, whilst she loved Mark, he had spilt far too many things on her for her to count. Mark, who had recognised Justin’s voice immediately, hardly noticed how light his tray had suddenly become and his eyes were wide with excitement.
“Is it Howard?!” he exclaimed, abandoning the tray on someone’s table.
“Ohw, that kinda took the fun out of it...” Justin mused, a little taken aback by Mark’s quick guess. Mark, whose hair was sticking up at angles, was all but climbing over tables to get to Justin then, grabbing him by the arm and steering him towards the back room.
“Seriously? Howard’s camped out on your porch?? What’s Jay said? Does Jay know?!” Mark was babbling and Justin pulled a face.
“You think my brother would ever let something like that get past him?! You have met my brother haven’t you! He’s a psychic freak from planet OCD!” he laughed and Mark rolled his eyes.
“But you love him,” he pointed out with a grin and Justin smirked.
“Of course, he’s my twin,” he agreed without missing a beat.
“You should hear the things my siblings call me,” Mark replied with a grin and Justin raised an eyebrow, casting his eyes over Mark’s unique appearance. Short, sunny, stylish and silly; Mark Owen was not a man to blend into a crowd. Justin could only imagine the teases he was at the mercy of from his own family, although he did know the colourful array of banter Mark exchanged with the Orange family whenever their paths crossed and he imagined it would be much the same fair.
“Anyway, I tried the shop but no one was there. Do you usually put out the open sign then leave?” Justin asked Mark and Mark frowned.
“Gaz should be there...did you look behind the counter?” he asked.
“Um...no, should I have?” Justin questioned Mark with a laugh.
“Gaz did his back in trying to foil a Jason Orange Biscuit Trap. He almost killed the dog with all the Tiger Balm fumes he’s filled our flat with and still he’s not cured! Anyway, he’s lying down behind the counter,” Mark nodded casually, as if such things were perfectly normal.
“Right...he’ll probably lose a lot of customers that way...” Justin mused and Mark nodded.
“Probably. But it’s all your brother’s fault,” he shrugged and Justin sighed.
“Mark, my brother has been setting traps for people most of his life – if Gary isn’t used to it by now he might want to consider turning in his honorary membership of the Orange family,” he pointed out. Mark flashed Justin a winning smile, a glint in his eye.
“So, speaking of your brother; spill! Come on – did he look happy? Annoyed? In love?” he prodded.
“Look, no offence Mark, mate, but...I should really be telling all this to Gary as well...” Justin said and Mark pouted for all of a second before quickly recovering himself and setting to work on the knot in his apron. The cord of his waiter’s apron had to be tied around him a good three times in order to get any hold on his narrow waist, but Mark’s fingers were agile and the fabric was whipped off him and thrown into a passing waitress’ face in seconds.
“Sorry Laura – cover me?” he beamed, his eyes all innocence and charm, before grabbing Justin once more and heading straight for the door.
“Just this once! Seriously though, Markie, I love you and all but do you actually ever do any work here?! You’re buying first round at the pub this weekend!!” she demanded of Mark’s retreating form.
“Love you too Laura!” Mark called back, blowing her kisses across the cafe and then hauling Justin out of the door with him. All the cafe regulars simply smiled and shook their heads and turned back to their papers; ‘Gotta love Mark’s shift’ they all thought to themselves.
“Do you always cause that much of a scene?” Justin laughed as Mark all but raced down the street.
“Pretty much wherever I go. Gaz despairs of me – he’d live a quiet life if it was left to him,” Mark grinned and Justin nodded.
“Mm. You are a sparkly little thing...and he’s more...” Justin tried to think of the right phrasing.
“Biscuits and a brew? I know. Now hurry up, I want to hear your gossip already!” Mark replied, tugging Justin in through the shop door and hauling him through to the shop’s counter. He jumped up onto it and peered over, finding Gary on the floor, staring back up at him dolefully.
“I thought you had lunchtime rush duty?” Gary asked him and Mark shrugged.
“Laura offered to cover for me. Look who’s stopped by for a chat though!” he smiled, pointing behind him. Justin approached the counter and peered over nervously.
“Um...afternoon Gaz...you uh, you alright down there?” he asked and Gary sighed.
“No tea but I’ll survive. What brings you here then? Don’t suppose you’ve got an urge to take up the violin? Fancy buying a few records? Need a songbook of ‘The Sounds of Summer’? Fancy making me a brew?” Gary suggested and Justin chuckled, shaking his head.
“Sorry, none of the above I’m afraid,” he admitted and Gary pulled a face.
“No, Justin came because – get this – Howard is only camped out on his front porch!” Mark put in, his voice all fireworks and honey as he whipped out a packet of Skittles from his jeans pocket.
“Really?!” Gary exclaimed, turning his attention back to Justin. Justin nodded and smiled.
“Yup. According to Jay, he showed up in the middle of the night, begging to talk. And the weirdest part? Jay shut the curtains in his face!” he explained. Mark almost choked on his Skittles.
“He shut the curtains in his face?! Oh my God – Howard is made of tough stuff if he didn’t go home after that!” he declared with a thoughtful nod of his head, popping another Skittle in his mouth.
“Wow...so how did Jay seem this morning? Annoyed? Upset? Impressed??” Gary asked.
“Christ, I wish I knew for sure. He tried to explain it to me but I just...I don’t understand him sometimes. But you know what my family are like...” Justin began.
“Part family, part pack of wolves?” Gary suggested with a grin and Justin laughed.
“Exactly! We are...protective and stubborn and we fight for each other. And Jay has always been so proud of that, he loves it, he loves that feeling of having this team of people behind him who’ll fight the cause for him and who he can fight the cause for. It’s funny but...I guess me and Howard have never gotten on like a house on fire, you know? Someone marries your twin brother, they’re effectively stealing your best mate, and that’s never a good way to start a friendship with someone but...but I think I’ve finally realised that he might as well be one of us. Coz I don’t think he’s moving. I think Jay could make him wait a year to talk and he’d still just sit there. Not that Jay will hold out a year,” Justin smiled, shaking his head. Mark tilted his head to one side.
“Won’t he?” he asked.
“Jay can do his fair share of stubborn too, after all,” Gary put in and Justin nodded.
“Agreed, but it’s been killing him. And Howard’s showing him he is still going to fight like hell...if you love someone for their fighting streak, how long can you resist them showing their stubborn side before you have to admit defeat?!” he sighed and Gary smiled.
“Sounds like we have a battle of wills on our hands,” he remarked.
“No,” Mark said simply and Gary and Justin looked at him in surprise.
“No?” Justin asked.
“We don’t have a battle of wills on our hands, you’re looking at it all wrong. What we have is Howard and Jason’s unique take on peace negotiations. Trust me, this time tomorrow? There will be fireworks,” Mark grinned and Gary raised an eyebrow.
“Fireworks?!” he frowned.
“Yep – from all the sexual tension they’ve been building up all this time!” Mark laughed.
“Urgh, Mark! That’s my brother! I don’t need to hear that!” Justin protested.
“Yeah, I could have done without it too actually...” Gary nodded.
“Listen, I have work anyway so um...Gaz, why don’t you give Jay a call, maybe he’ll tell you something he didn’t tell me, who knows?” Justin suggested, beginning to back away.
“Will do. Later Justin!” Gary called.
“Bye!” Mark shouted cheerfully, still laughing at the blushes he had caused.
“You’re a menace,” Gary told him.
“I know,” Mark beamed, blowing Gary a kiss and hopping down off the counter, Gary could only hope he was going off to make them both a brew.
***
Jason had to admit that, when the phone had rung, a small part of him had expected it would be Howard. Or maybe a small part of him had just hoped it would. He had tried to conduct his entire morning in as normal a fashion as possible but now it was lunch and his awareness of Howard’s presence just meters away from him was starting to attack his willpower.
“Morning Jay,” Gary’s voice came down the line and Jason narrowed his eyes.
“You’ve been talking to Justin,” he stated and Gary paused a moment.
“Justin?” he asked in slightly too high a voice. Jason smiled and shook his head, laughing softly.
“Mm, you know, my twin brother? Dark hair, big mouth, tendency to talk bullshit?” he sighed.
“Ah...that Justin. Maybe I have then,” Gary conceded with a grin.
“Let me guess, he told you that a certain husband of mine may or may not be setting up residence on the porch and refusing to move,” Jason suggested.
“Words to that effect, yes. So, tell me, how long has he been out there now? Rough estimates welcome...” Gary smiled and Jason pulled a face.
“Since...I dunno, midnight? One? I’m not sure. I actually had to close the curtains. I never close the curtains,” Jason told him.
“Blimey. And has he eaten? Drunk anything??” Gary asked and Jason thought a moment.
“That bloody man...” he began to mutter, but Gary could hear the smile creeping into his voice.
“Jason Orange you said that like you loved ‘that bloody man’! Come on, just admit it, you married him because he’s an obstinate little sod, right??” he teased swiftly and Jason pursed his lips.
“Something like that,” he admitted quietly, peering out of the window. Howard was still there, hunched up next to the door, playing with his wedding ring. He sighed, trying and failing for the millionth time that day to suppress the smile that came upon him.
“Oh go on, Jay, at least feed the poor bugger! And talk to him whilst you’re at it! Why are you bothering to fight it??” Gary said and Jason had to wonder.
“I don’t know...I just...” he waved an arm vaguely, though he knew Gary couldn’t see.
“Still a bit pissed off?” Gary tried and Jason shrugged.
“Maybe. I wish it was that simple. But listen, Gaz, you were right about feeding him, I should. So I need to go now. Oh! And I know I’m on speaker so you can take your hand of Mark’s mouth too,” Jason told Gary and he smirked as he heard the scuffle at the other end.
“Hi Jay,” Mark called cheerfully, obviously overpowering Gary.
“What gave him away?” Gary frowned and Jason rolled his eyes.
“Gaz, he is a shameless gossip, he would never leave this alone. But seriously you two, I get your concern, I do. But I’m ok,” he assured them. Mark folded his arms and let out a huffy sigh.
“I’m not a shameless gossip!” he protested.
“You are shameless though,” Gary pointed out. Mark attempted a glare then wavered and sighed.
“Anyway Jay, we know you’re ok. You’re always ok, or at least, you always say you are. What we really need to know is; are you and Howard ok?” Mark said and Jason paused.
“I’m going now,” he tried, not really wanting to answer the question.
“Oh no you don’t! Come on, Jay – when this whole thing started, you know what you told me to do? Worry about Howard. And you know what I think Howard’s main concern is right now?” Gary asked.
“Me and Howard,” Jason sighed with a small smile as he looked out of the window once more.
“Got it in one. Do what you have to do Jay, just remember that marrying him was the only decision you have ever not had to think about in your life. The whole heart-head debate? It’s irrelevant right now,” Gary assured him before hanging up.
Silently Jason made Howard’s lunch, thinking over what Gary had said. He was right, wasn’t he? The whole heart-head thing...it didn’t matter much when it came to Howard. Howard was a no brainer. Howard was like...like air. Jason breathed him in and out without noticing, he didn’t make any conscious effort to be in love with him and yet, every morning when he woke up, there was that sensation in his heart, that dull thud of...of Howard. He could feel it as he put Howard’s lunch on a plate. It was still there when he poured a glass of water. It got stronger as he neared the door, opened it, set the meal down next to Howard and met Howard’s eyes. But for some reason Jason couldn’t explain, he still turned around and shut the door again. He couldn’t close out that dull thudding, he knew. But he figured he should at least try. How long had Justin give him? A day? He could hold out more than a day, if only to prove a point.
***
Howard lay awake, staring into middle-distance and thinking of Jason. He couldn’t deny, he’d got his hopes up when Jason had appeared with lunch, had dared to think for a moment that he might be getting somewhere. But he should have known Jason Orange was made of tougher stuff. As the afternoon had worn on to evening he’d phoned Grace and asked for more time and then been forced to sit and watch the night fall all by himself. He knew he probably ought to try and sleep, but for some reason he preferred lying awake and missing Jason. He was determined to keep on missing Jason’s arms around him, missing Jason’s starry eyes, his gentle smile. He wondered if it would be too unorthodox to send a postcard to someone from their own porch; Wish You Were Here. It was tempting. He tried to think the sentiment in Jason’s direction, tried to will the thought up the stairs and into his room, but he wasn’t sure how well that was working. At least thinking of Jason meant he didn’t feel so alone. Howard shivered. This would be his second night without sleep if he kept this up and he really ought to at least close his eyes. But he didn’t.
Howard glanced at the clock on his phone, squinting to make out the numbers. Nearly midnight. He smiled to himself – all those times he had promised Jason that he would move hell and high heaven to make him happy, he had never imagined he would be doing this. But he needed to make Jason happy again, to fix him again. And if this was the best way to do it? Then so be it. Howard sighed and pulled his hat off his head, shaking his hair slightly and rubbing a hand over his face. It was then that he heard it, the soft click of the lock behind him. He looked up hesitantly, his forehead creasing with nerves and hope and guilt and every other emotion under the sun. And then the door opened. Jason looked so beautiful in the half-light that for a moment Howard forget altogether where they were and what was happening, he just looked up into those eyes. Jason too seemed frozen, hovering in the half-open doorway, an unreadable look on his face. Silently he nudged the door further open and Howard noticed now that he was holding a heavy throw cover and a pillow in his arms. And yet this didn’t feel like the same brief delivery stop of the afternoon. Maybe Jason had been wishing he was here as well.
With a tender slowness, Jason knelt at Howard’s side, tucking the throw firmly around his shoulders and wrapping him up tightly. Howard watch dumbly, letting Jason bundle him up and then sit back again, taking the pillow, fluffing it and propping it up against the wall. Jason sat back, leaning against the pillow and getting himself comfortable before turning his eyes back to meet Howard’s. The faint smile of acknowledgement was all Howard needed and, slowly, he let himself collapse into Jason’s lap. It felt so good to rest his head and he closed his eyes for a moment. He could hardly believe what was happening when Jason gently placed his hand on his head, stroking his hair tenderly. He opened his eyes, just to make sure he wasn’t dreaming, and sure enough, he met directly with Jason’s gaze, For the longest time he just lay there, looking up at Jason looking down.
“Can’t sleep without the curtains open?” Howard asked croakily, nervously. Jason smiled, his eyes shining brightly in the dark, quirking his lips slightly and tilting his head.
“No. I couldn’t sleep without you,” he replied honestly. Howard felt the tingle of relief that sent through his bones and, as he looked unwaveringly into Jason’s eyes, he could tell that something had shifted between them. Shifted for the better.
Neither one of them could be entirely certain how long it was they stayed that way, watching each other in silence. Howard hardly dared break the moment, no matter how badly he wanted to talk. He couldn’t help but worry that talking would ruin it, couldn’t help but wonder if talking might break the moment and send Jason rushing back into the house. And that was the last thing he wanted. Jason’s hands were still stroking softly at his hair though and his breathing was so steady, his eyes so firm, that Howard couldn’t help but think he didn’t look at all like he was going anywhere. Taking all his courage in his hands Howard drew in a breath, still looking into Jason’s eyes.
“If...if I’d just walked away, would it have mattered?” he asked tentatively. Jason smiled.
“It would have mattered,” he replied quietly, his eyes glowing.
“I wouldn’t have though.”
“I know.”
“And I know you wouldn’t have either. I mean...you didn’t.”
“I couldn’t, How,” Jason assured him. Howard broke a smile at that.
“I’m a disaster zone,” he reminded Jason with a grin. Jason laughed softly.
“Yeah, you are,” he agreed, resting his hand for a moment, leaving it tangled in Howard’s hair.
“I’m the disaster you chose though,” Howard added. Jason smiled a tender, distant smile.
“Exactly,” he said.
“I was listening, Jay. I’m just slow sometimes.”
“Oh How,” Jason sighed, though he smiled softly still.
They let the silence fall back around them again and Jason began to stroke Howard’s hair once more. Howard used the quiet to try and think up how to explain himself, try to work out how to approach the mess he had made of loving Jason.
“So I guess that means you know that, sometimes, some of the things I say and do aren’t exactly...they sort of...” he tried and Jason’s lips twisted slightly as he hid another smile.
“Don’t have the desired effect? End up leaving things in more disarray than when you started?” he suggested and Howard nodded, suppressing a smile of his own.
“Something like that. I guess what I’m trying to say is; I wasn’t avoiding you. I mean...I was avoiding you but...I was doing it because I loved you, not because I’d stopped loving you,” he explained, searching Jason’s face for any sign that he might run. But he didn’t look like he was going to run, although he did purse his lips a little and his eyes briefly flicked away.
“Ok,” he said slowly and for the longest time Howard’s heart stopped beating. But then Jason’s eyes came back to his, and he knew he could make this ok. He could.
“The thing was that...I realised that I’m an idiot. And I realised that you were wonderful. And given my track record with screwing up every relationship I’d ever had I just...I really didn’t want to lose you. And I s’pose I thought I couldn’t possibly hurt you if I wasn’t there to say the stupid thing that would ruin everything...” he began. Jason’s thumb still stroked absently at Howard’s forehead.
“How, if you managed to screw those relationships up so easily, they were as good as over anyway. No matter what you...you should have known I loved you more than that. You’re not the only one who thinks the man he loves is special. I need you. You’re the only person I let myself need like that,” Jason murmured, slightly sadly.
“I did know that Jay, I swear. Sometimes I just...I didn’t think I deserved that love. And no matter what I did I couldn’t stop thinking that...that maybe you’d be better off loving someone else. Someone less...” Howard tried, looking up at Jason plaintively. Jason sighed.
“Disastrous?” he suggested with a whisper of a smile in his eyes. Howard almost laughed.
“Yeah, that’s the one,” he agreed and Jason nodded, thinking a moment.
“So what changed your mind?” he asked.
“The strangest thing actually...it was Emily...” Howard told him. Jason stared at him a moment.
“Emily as in...” he began in a whisper.
“Yeah. That Emily,” Howard said, trying to see into Jason’s thoughts.
“Wow,” Jason replied simply, chewing his lip. Howard tried to keep their gazes locked.
“She wrote to me and I went to see her and...and she told me the thing she remembered about you the most,” he explained. Jason couldn’t hide his intrigue.
“And what was that?” he whispered, stroking Howard’s hair properly again now.
“Me,” Howard smiled with a sheepish laugh and, to his relief, Jason laughed too.
“You,” he smiled, nodding as if he felt he ought to have guessed such an answer.
“She reminded me how important it was. That I’m the only exception. She reminded that I’m supposed to be stubborn. To be strong for you because...I’m the only one you’re not strong with. And that’s why I’m special, that’s why I shouldn’t assume I’m the only one who thinks I’m lucky,” Howard told Jason quietly, quickly, all the while looking into his face. Jason smiled at him, slowly and softly, and silently ran the back of his hand along Howard’s face.
“So you came here for what exactly?” he asked gently and Howard smiled back at him.
“To show you that I’m still a stubborn git.”
“Message received,” Jason laughed slightly but Howard held his gaze.
“And to tell you I’m here. If you need me. If you’re not ok then...I’m here. Always,” he added.
“I never really put up my defences for you, How.”
“You need me?”
“I’ve come way too close to losing it, Howard. Way too close.”
“And I’m here now.”
“Thank you.”
“Jay...”
“Mm?”
“I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have to be.”
“But I am.”
“Everyone makes mistakes, How. You’re here now.”
“I’m still sorry though. I shouldn’t take it for granted, after everything I should’ve known that. I mean...I could have walked past that shop a thousand times and never gone in. I could never have known you and that...that doesn’t bear thinking about,” Howard replied. Jason simply looked at him, a thoughtful expression on his face.
“You really think you could have just kept walking past?” he asked and Howard couldn’t help but laugh softly at that.
“I don’t know. I guess it makes no difference now.”
“Or maybe it makes all the difference.”
The moment of quiet that elapsed between them then was the most healing silence of Howard’s life, and his and Jason’s eyes hardly blinked the entire time. Eventually Howard let out the breath he had been holding, wanting to move, finally bring their lips together again.
“Jay...” he began but Jason pressed him down carefully, stopping him from sitting up.
“Get some sleep, How,” he told him gently.
“But Jay...” Howard tried and Jason simply shook his head.
“Shh, love. It’s too dark and too late now to change anything,” he repeated and Howard frowned a little in concern.
“Jay, are we ok?” he asked, but Jason had tipped his head back now, his eyes closed.
“In the morning, How. With a little help from gravity,” he murmured softly. His hand was still stroking Howard’s hair when Howard fell asleep.
Chapter Six
Mark had been singing for the entire journey to work. He had woken Gary up that morning by singing. He had sung all through breakfast. He had sung along to the radio the whole time in the car. And he had sung all the way along Oldham Street. Gary couldn’t be sure why he didn’t beg him to shut up. Anyone else and he probably would have done. But Mark’s eyes were filled with such hope and glee that it seemed cruel to rain on his parade – Mark could get so excited at the mere prospect of living life it was a disservice to humanity to challenge that. Gary, on the other hand, would have seriously considered staying in bed this morning. He didn’t know why, it was just one of those days. Everyone had them, those mornings when they developed a sentimental attachment to their duvets. Mark, however, was most definitely not having one of those days. He raced up the street, stopping and turning round and putting his hands on his hips, making a great pantomime of waiting for Gary to catch up with him. Gary simply rolled his eyes, beginning to fish in his pocket for his shop keys.
“Come on slow coach!” Mark called, head bobbing from side to side, hair falling all over the place, the sunlight catching a streak of gold in his gleeful eyes. Gary chuckled, coming up to join his husband, who was now doing a dance on the pavement. However, as he moved to put the key in the lock he noticed that the shop sign had already been turned around to ‘Open’.
“Markie...we did turn the sign back round yesterday didn’t we?” he asked with a frown. Mark paused a moment, tilting his head to one side as he thought.
“Um...yes! I remember, because I was kissing you at the time – I turned it around behind your back. Who said men can’t multitask?!” Mark smiled and Gary grinned bashfully.
“Ah yes, how could I forget...so in that case, either we have a very conscientious burglar or...” he began and Mark let out a small gasp of excitement.
“Or a very conscientious shop assistant back to work at last!” he exclaimed, grabbing onto Gary’s arm and pressing his cheek to his shoulder as they both tentatively pushed open the shop door.
The shop’s bell announced their arrival and, from his place on the stairs, Jason looked up, giving his friends a quiet smile, a glint in his eyes that Gary couldn’t quite place.
“Mornin’,” Jason said simply, taking a sip from his tea. Gary raised an eyebrow.
“Mornin’,” he replied, trying to read his friend and failing. Jason Orange was too well guarded, too inscrutable. Something had happened though, that much was certain, because he hadn’t been expecting Jason to be coming back to work until he’d sorted out – one way or another – the situation between him and Howard.
“So, you seem happy today! Something...um...something happen last night we should know about?” Mark asked eagerly, bouncing slightly on his heels before going over to the stairs, leaning against the banister and trying to make Jason look him in the eye. Gary simply laughed; Mark would get nothing out of Jason when Jason was in one of these moods. And yet, for all Gary realised this, he was dying to press Jason for himself, so he shrugged off his jacket as quickly as possible, hanging it up before coming over to join Mark by the stairs.
“Yes, Jay. What brings you into work this morning? Could it be our company? The tea? The overwhelming urge to restore the back room to its former, ordered glory?” Gary smirked. Jason looked up at him, smiling softly before glancing back down into his tea.
“Ok, slow down. What did you ask, Mark?” he sighed, looking back up and arching an eyebrow.
“Something happen last night that we should know about?!” Mark repeated with an impatient grin.
“Something you should know about? No, I don’t think so. There was a good repeat of ‘An Audience With’ on the telly...but I uh...didn’t manage to catch it myself,” Jason replied, the corner of his lips twitching slightly as he fought off a smile. Mark narrowed his eyes at him.
“Did you sleep well?” he pressed and Jason actually managed to look him in the eye for that one.
“Best night’s sleep for weeks actually, Markie,” he said softly, a vaguely distant look in his eyes.
“Alright, now my questions,” Gary put in and Jason laughed.
“Um...did the company tempt me in? Maybe a little bit, you are my best friends, after all. The tea? No. You’ve been letting Mark buy the teabags in my absence I see? I’m going to have to restock with some more of my herbal stuff later. And the urge to organise...well, it’s not what brought me in but I have already done it, if that counts,” he told Gary with a steady voice. Gary let his lips form a tight line as he folded his arms and looked at Jason critically. Jason looked back at him unwaveringly, smiling and quirking an eyebrow in tease.
“Jay,” Gary said in a final attempt at breaking him.
“That’s my name. Well, actually, I believe my birth certificate says ‘Jason Thomas Orange’, but I’ll let you off, just this once. Now, if you two don’t mind, I’m going to go and look after that poor neglected till and read my book, ok?” Jason replied before getting up and calmly leaving the room.
“I despair,” Gary deadpanned and Mark just laughed, twirling around to sit himself down on the stairs, settling himself in the spot Jason had just vacated.
“Ok, so we didn’t break him. But something’s happened, that much we can be sure of,” he pointed out, proving once and for all that nothing could bring him down today.
“That’s as may be, it’s what happens next I’m more concerned with,” Gary sighed, sitting down next to him. Mark wrapped his arms around him, kissing the crook of his neck.
“That’s your problem, Barlow, always worrying about the future. But just this once, can you just relax and enjoy today? See what happens next when it happens?” he suggested, giving Gary another kiss. It proved to be an offer Gary simply couldn’t resist.
***
The little bell on the shop door jangled and, for a moment, Howard stood in the doorway, taking in the familiar feel of the shop’s dim warmth. Gary and Mark sat on the stairs, mugs of tea in their hands and biscuits poised, in perfect symmetry, half way to their mouths. Howard nodded vaguely to them in greeting, smiling distantly at their comical poses. Mark nodded back, automatically programmed to be friendly in any and all situations.
“Let me know if you want a brew or...something...oh...” Mark trailed off, stopping and frowning to himself. Gary gave Mark an odd look, nudging him slightly with his elbow.
“Mark!” he hissed, making Howard chuckle. Mark’s puzzled expression deepened.
“I don’t know why I said that,” he whispered back to Gary, screwing up his face.
“I’ll just uh...” Howard began, trailing off and simply pointing in the direction of the side room, trying to hide his amusement as Gary’s biscuit fell from his fingers and into his tea.
“Oh not again,” Gary muttered to himself, he and Mark both becoming so engrossed in the biscuit-rescue that they hardly noticed Howard crossing the room and slipping into next door.
Howard’s eyes briefly scanned the room, the stacks of songbooks and maze of bookcases, before coming to rest on the only sight he was really interested in. Jason Orange was sat cross-legged on the counter, as quiet and as handsome as Howard always remembered him, a mug of tea in one hand, his nose buried in a book. The scene fitted in so easily with the tranquil air the shop was filled with that Howard almost felt loath to disturb it. But he still remembered the first time he’d ever seen this sight – he remembered the way those feisty blue eyes had locked with his, the moment that something in Jason’s soul had first recognised something in Howard’s. Howard smiled quietly.
“Mornin’...ish...” Howard grinned sheepishly and Jason looked up. There it was. That spark of recognition, mixed up with love and longing this time but no less powerful. Those blue eyes focused sharply on Howard’s, bright and alive and piercing. Howard’s smile grew, his breath hitching slightly.
“Morning,” Jason replied at last, tilting his head to one side and smiling a soft, warm smile. For a moment the two of them paused, watching each other with matching smiles. They knew they were probably being spied on, but they couldn’t care less. Because somehow they’d created their own little world, suspended in that one moment, built upon their twin blue gazes.
“If I tell you my name do I get to call you Jay?” Howard asked at last, his eyes filled with tender mischief, as they so often were. Jason let out a gentle chuckle, putting down his book then arching an eyebrow in Howard’s direction.
“I don’t know, play your cards right and you might get to call me love, love,” he said.
“Ah, but you see, I’ve always been crap at cards,” Howard replied with a twinkling grin, making Jason laugh. he pushed himself off the counter and put his hands in his pockets before taking a few tentative steps towards Howard, his eyes still meeting his gaze.
“You seem to be crap at a lot of things, love,” he pointed out, narrowing his eyes teasingly. Howard folded his arms, licking his lips slightly and smiling as Jason narrowed the gap between them further. As they stood face to face Howard longed to reach out and touch him, but he knew he had some charming to do first. After all, that was what this was all about, wasn’t it? Jason’s high standards.
“You knew that when you married me,” Howard reminded him with a brief flash of his wedding ring, his voice suddenly husky and quiet. Jason shook his head, a sly smile on his face.
“No...no, I’m pretty sure you told me you were good at cards. That’s the only reason I married you really,” he teased, shrugging at Howard.
“I’m good at snap?” Howard suggested after a beat and Jason laughed, prodding him gently in the chest. Howard’s whole body felt the ripple of that one touch.
“Oh you are such a Prince Charming,” Jason smirked and Howard grinned back, shameless and positively proud of the tease. But he could still feel the aftershock of Jason’s touch all through his body and he was unable to resist reaching out any longer. Wordlessly he cupped Jason’s cheek with his hand and stroked his thumb fondly along his skin. Jason’s willpower wavered.
“And you are so beautiful,” Howard countered gently, no sarcasm to that statement that was for sure. Jason swallowed and looked up at Howard, his breath catching.
“So I guess you didn’t manage to just walk past then?”
“Guess not.”
“Maybe our instincts were right all along.”
“We should’ve known.”
“Maybe we did deep down.”
“Did I mention I love you?”
“Do you have any idea why I’m not just giving up and letting you kiss me right now?” Jason smiled.
“I think it has something to do with us both being stubborn bastards. And the fact that, even if you never really put me on the other side of the wall, certain protocols are still in place,” he suggested, his voice soft but playful. Jason’s smile broadened and he placed both his hands on Howard’s chest.
“Did you even try to not come in here?” Jason questioned after a pause.
“Impossible. You’re gravity,” Howard told him honestly, leaning their foreheads together.
“So are you,” Jason answered, tilting his head up just enough for Howard to capture his lips.
Their kiss was drawn out and slow, arms wrapping tightly around one another, Howard pulling Jason so close Jason’s feet almost left the floor. One of Howard’s hands pushed against Jason’s back and the other was buried in his hair, his eyes closed, his and Jason’s pulses both beating behind his eyelids. Jason let himself get tangled in Howard’s embrace, wrapping his arms around Howard’s neck, aching just to be this close to him again. They hardly wanted the kiss to end, and when it did, Howard proceeded to feather more light kisses against Jason’s skin, wrapping his arms even tighter around him and spinning him slowly. Jason smiled into the crook of Howard’s neck, enjoying the feeling of his broad shoulders and his strong arms. He didn’t want them to untangle but they did, slowly unfolding themselves from around each other, Howard silently tracing a hand down Jason’s arm, locking their little fingers together and then twisting their hands slightly until all their fingers were laced together. Eventually Howard took hold of his hand, bringing the back to his lips then tugging Jason towards the exit, looking at him with hopeful blue eyes. Jason smiled back at him knowingly and let himself be pulled, leaning his body against Howard’s arm and following him through the shop. They ignored the looks Mark and Gary gave them, exchanging kisses with each other, lost in their own little world.
“Home?” Howard asked Jason softly as they stepped out onto the pavement. Jason smiled up at him and nodded slowly, pressing a long kiss against Howard’s lips.
“Home,” he agreed, giving Howard’s hand another.
***
Howard and Jason lay together in silence, enjoying the feeling of skin on skin, each tuning in to the other’s breathing. The afternoon sun was beginning to wane, although it wasn’t that late, and sleepy sunlight crept across the bed towards them, dousing them in peaceful warmth. Howard was spread out across the sheets, Jason’s head resting on his stomach, one arm gently encircling Jason, the other resting on his chest. Jason was lying at an angle, his legs overhanging the bed slightly, and he drew circles on Howard’s bare chest. The rumpled duvet barely covered the two of them but they didn’t notice. Howard was too busy counting the colours in Jason’s eyes; they were all there, present and correct, just as he remembered them, dancing as Jason’s gaze caught the sunlight.
“Howard,” Jason murmured, still tracing absent-minded patterns on Howard’s skin. Howard watched him with a distant smile, his blue eyes a little unfocused, his mind a million miles away.
“Mm?” Howard replied, quiet and absent. Jason’s eyes flicked away from the patterns his fingers were tracing and instead came up to meet Howard’s gaze. He flashed him a small, soft smile.
“I love you,” he said quietly, lifting his head slightly. Howard returned his smile, holding the gaze for a moment. Jason saw the light shimmer through Howard’s eyes and he rested his head once more, going back to studying the lines he was tracing across Howard’s ribs. Neither one of them minded when the silence returned, there was something to be said for simply being together again.
Howard busied himself by picking out the shafts of gold that fell across the smile still gracing Jason’s lips, enjoying the shivers those fingertips could send through him, even with the lightest of touches. Occasionally Jason would catch his eyes and, for reasons neither one of them could really explain, every time their eyes connected their smiles would broaden a little and, every now and then, soft laughs would escape them. The intimacy of their silence was something Howard had missed, something he would never have forgiven himself for losing. This was his reward for being stubborn, this was his because he loved Jason in a way no one else ever could. He deserved this man.
“Do you think we should move?” Howard asked after a while and Jason lifted his head again. He flashed a smile that Howard could only call cheeky, looking up at him through his lashes, flecks of sunlight crossing the blue of his eyes. Howard playfully pulled a face at him and Jason broke the look, laughing and letting his head fall back down onto Howard’s stomach. Their eyes stayed connected though.
“You move,” he pouted quietly and Howard grinned.
“You’re lying on top of me,” he pointed out and Jason swatted him.
“Shut up,” he mumbled and Howard smiled fondly.
“Oh you are such an angel!” he teased, getting another soft thump in the side for his troubles, although there was a broad smile on Jason’s face. A small struggle ensued, with Jason and Howard both putting up the pretence of wrestling for control. Jason caved first, laughing brightly and falling down against Howard’s body, moving himself into the crook of his arm and pressing a kiss to Howard’s cheek before laying his head on his shoulder.
“I am so not getting paid for today,” he sighed after a moment and Howard laughed.
“Gaz isn’t that mean, surely,” he suggested and Jason rolled his eyes.
“I’ve been off a fortnight! To be honest I didn’t really need to be off all that time I just...I was avoiding their questions I guess. I was so close to not being able to keep my head above water that I just had to stay away so they wouldn’t see. That and...it was nice to have the excuse,” he sighed, once more resuming his pattern tracing.
“Glad to be of service,” Howard said and Jason elbowed him in the ribs.
“Oi you, thin ground, Donald,” he reminded and Howard’s heart almost stopped. Then he saw the look in Jason’s eyes and smiled.
“Mm, you weren’t saying that half an hour ago...” he began and Jason pursed his lips.
“You’re very persuasive – making this all your fault!” he protested, gesturing to their positions; all tangled up in each other and the sheets. Howard’s eyes twinkled mischievously.
“And you are such a nag!” he smiled. Jason pushed himself up slightly, looking into Howard’s face.
“Yeah, but I’m your nag,” he said softly. The corner of Howard’s lips twitched up and he dropped a quiet kiss onto Jason’s forehead.
“God, don’t we make quite the pair. You’re my nag and I’m your disaster,” he sighed and Jason smiled, kissing Howard on the nose and leaving their faces close.
“That may be true but...you want to know something that makes all that stuff alright?” he asked.
“That fact you’re wonderful?” Howard offered and Jason rolled his eyes, elbowing him yet again.
“Shut up, I’m serious!” he countered with a laugh.
“Go on then,” Howard told him, running his hand along Jason’s back.
“That fact that even through all the crap and the rubbish and the...” Jason paused.
“The avoidance?” Howard asked and Jason nodded, cupping Howard’s cheek in his hand.
“Even through all that...you know all the bits in between? We were still us,” he whispered.
“I still told you that you were beautiful about fifty times a day and you still tidied up after me,” Howard grinned back and Jason laughed, though he saw the understanding in Howard’s eyes.
“Basically,” he agreed, giving Howard another brief kiss before sinking back into the crook of his arm.
For a while they stayed that way, thinking it all over. Because it was true. In between Howard’s stupidity, not much had changed. They’d still shared those moments of banter. Those laughs. This same easy silence. Even when Jason had left, the moment they were back in each other’s presence again their dynamic had just clicked back into place, like they had never been apart. They came naturally to each other. That was why they were here now, why Howard wasn’t having to earn his way back into Jason’s bed with housework and more apologies. Howard smiled, glancing down at Jason, who was falling asleep in his arms. There was something inexplicably sexy about the way the corners of Jason’s lips turned up as his slept, the way his head turned instinctively into Howard’s side.
“Jay,” Howard whispered huskily and Jason shifted slightly.
“Mm?” he asked sleepily, letting out a long sigh. Howard smiled.
“I love you too,” he said and Jason opened one eye, smiling back at him. He silently leant up to press a kiss to Howard’s cheek before falling back against his shoulder and drifting once more towards sleep, Howard watching him fondly the whole time.
***
It didn’t take months or even weeks for things to go back to normal. It took seconds. When Howard had woken later that day, he had found that Jason had escaped from his grasp and it had taken very little to work out where he was instead; cooking, or at least attempting to. ‘What have you been eating all this time?!’ he had demanded of Howard when he had appeared in the kitchen – he hadn’t even needed to turn around to know that Howard was there and that had made Howard smile. ‘Here’s a list – unless you want to starve tonight!’ had been the next words from his lips. The ‘I missed you’ stage was over, the time to build bridges long gone. Not that the bridges had ever really disappeared, there’d been road blocks maybe, but still. It didn’t matter either way now, the road blocks were lifted and life could now proceed. ‘And for God’s sake pick up that poor daughter of yours!’ Jason had called at Howard’s departing back.
They had spent most of that first night bickering. Ceaselessly. Grace had watched them with bewilderment but they’d hardly noticed. Jason had chided Howard and Howard had criticised Jason and Jason had bossed Howard around and Howard had refused to let Jason watch what he wanted on the TV...they had picked right back up where they had left off. There was no animosity in the squabbling. And, if you caught them at the right moments, you could see their glittering eyes betraying them. They just loved the fun of it. And whilst Jason tidied up and moaned, Howard watched him rather than the telly. And whilst Howard lambasted him, Jason curled up in the crook of his arm, sulking slightly at Howard’s programme choices whilst intertwining their fingers. Howard loved the normality of it all.
A few days later they had a row over Howard buying himself a new laptop. The next week they’d had Sunday lunch with Howard’s family. The weekends they went out with Mark and Gary and the four of them would banter like March had never happened. It was life, so, granted, it got a bit messy sometimes. But that was sort of how Howard liked it. And at the end of it, however long the day, late the gig, ratty the argument or strong the alcohol, Howard still got to climb into bed beside Jason. And Jason would still turn towards him, even in his sleep. Before Howard knew it, April was halfway gone and, somewhere amidst the normality of it all Jason had reminded him they had to plan something for their anniversary. It had surprised Howard somewhat. It wasn’t that he hadn’t remembered. Granted he was forgetful at the best of times, but he wasn’t stupid, he wouldn’t forget that date. It had just snuck up on him a bit, that was all. His life had been on pause without Jason in it, he’d just presumed the rest of the world would have waited for him.
In the end, the day had fallen into place mostly of its own accord. Crystal had called, partly to check up on Howard but largely to let him know she was going to be visiting. She had suggested going to dinner with them, so she could celebrate the day with them. To even things up Jason had invited Justin along and by that stage the meal had become somewhat official and Mark and Gary could not be snubbed – who leaves their best mates out of something official? But, as much as Howard was looking forward to the meal, it was his and Jason’s personal plans that really got him smiling to himself as he got ready that evening. Because Howard knew it was the perfect way for them to mark the occasion together. In private. Away from all else but each other. The way both of them most needed to be.
With another small smile to himself, Howard left the bedroom, pulling his shirt on as he went but not bothering to button it up just yet. He could only keep himself smart for a small window of time and there was no point wasting that time around a man who seemed to much prefer him when he didn’t wear his shirt.
Jason was stood waiting for him in the kitchen, leaning on the breakfast bar and staring across at the large windows on the other side of the lounge; Howard couldn’t be sure if he was watching the city outside or checking for smudges on the glass. However, Jason’s gaze shifted instantly as he noticed Howard’s arrival and he smiled a mischievous little smile before standing up and folding his arms, arching one eyebrow approvingly.
“Well would you look at the state of you – you scrub up well, Donald,” he said softly, tilting his head to one side. Howard held his gaze a moment, smiling a distant smile of his own.
“You know, you’re beautiful when you do that,” he murmured back.
“When I do what exactly?” Jason asked him with a small frown, coming over to stand in front of Howard, briefly pressing his hands to Howard’s chest, which was still slightly damp from the shower.
“When you look at me,” Howard admitted shyly and Jason smiled up at him reassuringly.
“Oh, love,” he whispered, his fingers delicate as they moved to button up his shirt, slow and gentle.
“Seriously; stunning,” Howard reiterated the sentiment with a slow grin, resting a hand on Jason’s neck and pressing a long kiss to his lips. Jason’s lips were smiling against his own and Howard was more than ready to cancel the evening then and there and not let Jason out of his arms.
“You do know we’ve come through worse, How,” Jason told him gently, pulling back ever-so-slightly, leaning back in Howard’s embrace. Howard smiled, feeling Jason’s fingers closing around the fabric of his shirt, his knuckles brushing against his skin.
“I know I just...it felt like a moment to be appreciated so...that’s what I did,” he replied with a small shrug. Jason reached up a hand to his cheek, stroking Howard’s skin with his thumb.
“We’ll be alright, Howard, no matter what. Everyone screws up sometimes, you know. And everyone gets scared they’re going to screw up. But at the end of it you were still there before I actually broke down, and that’s all that really matters. You were there in time...and, in a lot of ways, I’d never really let you get that far away,” he smiled and Howard chuckled warmly, both his hands now resting gently on Jason’s neck.
“Why do you always have to know exactly what to say?” he asked, kissing Jason’s forehead.
“Maybe I’m just amazing?” Jason suggested and Howard bent his head slightly to kiss Jason’s cheek.
“Mm, now that I can believe,” he said, then he placed yet more kisses against Jason’s skin, tilting his head enough to kiss Jason’s neck, smiling at the sound of Jason’s warm laugh.
“Oh can you now?” he asked, leaning back in Howard’s arms and raising his eyebrows. Howard simply beamed at him, eyes aglow.
“You know, I don’t think I’ve told you quite enough that I love you,” he said gently and Jason’s own smile broadened as he leant across to whisper in Howard’s ear.
“Oh you’ve said it plenty enough. And I hope you know; I love you too,” he breathed and with that he pulled Howard down to meet his lips, bringing them together in an overwhelming kiss, all tangled arms and slow smiles and hardly any breaths.
Howard wished the kiss could last longer, wanted more than ever to just blow off the world and curl up on the sofa with Jason. But he knew that he shouldn’t do that, and there were some plans that were too important to dismiss. Reluctantly he pulled himself back and he couldn’t help but smile at the way that Jason briefly followed him, his eyes still closed, trying to reunite their lips. Howard stroked his cheek and Jason slowly opened his eyes.
“We’re going to be late,” Howard told him quietly.
“That’s my line,” Jason grinned.
“I’m stealing it,” Howard chuckled and Jason pulled a face, his fingers falling back to Howard’s chest, playing with the buttons of his shirt.
“Can’t you just steal me instead?” he sighed. Howard laughed and kissed his temple.
“Tempting,” he conceded and Jason looked up at him with those startling blue eyes.
“But...we have plans, don’t we,” he smiled and Howard nodded.
“I believe so. So...you coming?” Howard asked, offering a hand to Jason. Jason laughed softly and took the hand, giving it a small squeeze.
“I’ll go where you take me, Howard Donald,” he said and, after pressing one more kiss to Jason’s forehead, Howard nodded and tugged Jason gently towards the door.
***
“Alright, hands by your sides, eyes forwards!” Gary called across at his friends with a teasing grin and a small wave, putting a gentle hand on the small of Mark’s back to hurry him along as they finally came to stand in front of Jason and Howard on the pavement. Jason turned slowly from Howard’s embrace, smiling warmly and laughing as Mark suddenly threw himself into his arms.
“Hey Gaz,” Howard nodded as Mark continued to squeeze Jason tightly.
“Oh you have no idea how nice it is to see you two back together,” Mark enthused into Jason’s shoulder and Jason quirked his eyebrows.
“Ok, it has been several weeks now, Markie...” he pointed out, giving his friend a tentative pat on the back. Mark simply squeezed him even more.
“You know what he’s like with special occasions, Jay,” Gary reminded him as Mark finally pulled back before promptly launching on Howard.
As Jason smoothed out his jacket, Mark took a step back to take in his two friends. Jason was dressed as smartly as ever – a beautiful tailored jacket that fitted to his form, rich dark blue lining and a simple white shirt beneath, unbuttoned to his chest.
“Christ, look at you Jay! I’d marry you if you weren’t taken!” he nodded approvingly and Jason rolled his eyes, silently taking Howard’s hand in his and giving it a squeeze. Mark then glanced at Howard, who was also wearing a smart jacket, though admittedly it was neither tailored nor lined, paired with a black shirt and a dark blue silk scarf. Mark smiled at the dark blue theme, suddenly remembering the anniversary gift he and Gary had managed to come up with and feeling very smug.
“You’ll get your present later – Mark and me decided we had to offer something better than a card, just this once,” Gary assured Jason and Howard, as if reading Mark’s mind.
“You didn’t have to Gaz,” Jason said gently and Gary shook his head.
“Oh really, so tell me Jay, have you not got our anniversary card already stashed away somewhere in that apartment of yours?” he asked and Jason pursed his lips, suppressing a grin.
“To be honest Gaz, he’s probably got several years’ worth of birthdays, anniversaries and Christmases stashed away somewhere in the apartment...not that he’ll tell me where,” Howard grinned and Jason elbowed him gently.
“Why would I take a risk like that?! Anyway, are we going to stand out here all night or shall we actually go inside the restaurant? Knowing my brother he won’t be here until about a half hour after we asked him to,” he sighed and Howard nodded.
“Yeah, and to be honest with you, it’ll be a miracle if Crystal actually remembers which restaurant we’re meeting at,” he conceded and Jason narrowed his eyes at him as the four of them moved to go inside.
“Why are your friends always so scatter-brained?” he questioned and Howard laughed.
“Why are your family always so haphazard about everything?” he countered.
“To be fair, there are a lot of us...and I stole all the organised genes...” Jason said after a beat and Howard grinned at him, lifting the back of his hand to his lips for a kiss. Gary let out a small sigh.
“I can see where tonight is going,” he lamented weakly and Mark gave him a kiss of his own for consolation before turning to the approaching waitress and giving her the details of their reservation.
***
As the waiters disappeared with the demolished main courses, Howard leant forwards, resting his arms on the table so that his right arm brushed against his husband’s left arm. Jason turned away from his discussion with his brother instantly, twisting his head round so that he could look Howard in the eye. His smile grew slightly and his eyes glimmered as he rested his chin in his hand, turning in his seat so that Howard now had his complete attention.
“Evening,” he whispered softly, pursing his lips a little, his eyes still bright. Howard mirrored his position, his own eyes dancing as he returned Jason’s smile.
“Evening,” he replied. For the briefest of moments the two of them scanned each other’s faces before Howard finally made the first move, leaning across to bring their lips together into a short, chaste kiss. Jason smiled against the kiss, reaching one hand across to rest on Howard’s neck.
“So, how are you doing?” he asked, tilting his head slightly. Howard pulled a face.
“Missing you,” he answered and Jason laughed.
“I’m right here!” he pointed out softly.
“Yeah but I hate these group things...when can I get you all to myself?”Howard whined back and Jason shook his head fondly.
“Patience is a virtue, love,” he promised but Howard simply pulled him back for another brief kiss.
Gary glanced away from his own conversation just as Howard pulled Jason to him and he couldn’t help but sigh, shaking his head a little.
“Alright you two, enough! There are people at this table other than you two and we’re starting to feel uncomfortable!” he smirked and Jason and Howard reluctantly parted, turning to face him.
“Gaz! Don’t be mean, it is their anniversary after all! He’s so stuffy!” Mark proclaimed, turning to Crystal in appeal. Crystal giggled her sparkling giggle and then threw a playful wink in Howard’s direction. Howard smiled a little bashfully and Jason reached his hand across, giving Howard’s hand a squeeze across the table.
“I’m not being mean...it’s just...I don’t know...I don’t think of my friends in that way! It’s a little window into a side of them I am not meant to know,” Gary squirmed in his seat slightly.
“Yeah, I’m going to side with Gary on this one. Sorry Jay, you know I love you, but I do not need to see that while I’m eating,” Justin put in and Jason gave him a playful smack around his head, his other hand not leaving Howard’s even as he leant across. Mark ignored the exchange, his eyes still narrowed at Gary, his arms folded and a single strand of hair falling out of its perfect styling and across his forehead.
“But come on Gaz, be honest now, you must’ve fancied Jay at some point! I mean...how long have you two even known each other?! Forever or something, right?! Are you trying to tell me you have never once fancied Jay in all that time? You must have done! Even I’ve fancied Jay,” Mark said firmly and Gary and Jason simultaneously choked on their wine. Howard chuckled, giving the back of Jason’s hand a small kiss and exchanging an amused glance with Crystal.
“This is definitely news to me,” Jason stated, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. Mark, however, seemed unfazed and he simply smiled brightly at Jason and shrugged before turning to his right to tell the story to Crystal whilst Gary frowned and Justin concentrated on ordering himself another drink – he figured he was going to need it.
“I might have my head in the clouds but come on, give me some credit – I do have taste. Ok, so I was a bit down on my luck when I first saw you, but my vision wasn’t impaired. I was busking on Oldham Street coz...well, I grew up in Oldham, so I figured the namesake might be a good omen, you know? And it turned out I was right! Anyway, I was stood right in the middle of Jay’s path between his car and the shop. I don’t know where Gaz was that first week of my busking career but when he did I felt sure I was in heaven! I mean, please, Jay is gorgeous. And he’d always say hi to me. I mean, I put all that sort of thing out of my mind when we became mates...well, maybe not entirely out of my mind in Gaz’s case but still. I can’t believe anyone is actually surprised by this. Everyone fancies Jay!” Mark explained casually. Jason turned his eyes skywards with discomfort but he smiled affectionately at Mark all the same.
“I fancied Jay. I still do. I’m with Mark on this one – everyone fancies Jay!” Crystal grinned, her cheeks sparkling from her glittery make-up, her eyes dancing from her natural mischief.
“See, told you so,” Mark nodded certainly, glancing around the rest of the table. Howard pouted.
“Oh so everyone fancies Jay but no one fancies me?!” he asked with gentle jest. Jason frowned.
“Excuse me, I’m pretty sure you know I fancy you! Anyway, what am I in this conversation – invisible?!” he sighed, though he still looked across at his husband with a small smile. Crystal put her hand on Howard’s shoulder, giving it a small squeeze.
“Howard, sweetie, you have no room to talk! You are more under that man’s spell than any one of us will ever be! Ok everyone; get this for how smitten he is! He had a gig in Berlin like...the week he met Jason...or maybe the week after. Either way, Milton and me went to meet him and we practically had to wear shades to look at him. I wouldn’t say he was already in love but...I would say he had most definitely got Jason Orange on the brain. But! If it makes you feel any better? I fancied you a little bit...when we first met. But it would have never worked between us, you really need to accept that!” she teased and Howard looked down at his lap with a shy blush – trust Crystal to share the extent of Jason’s instant effect on him with everyone.
“See Gaz, everyone has fancied – or still does fancy – Jason Orange. It’s a fact of life. You know like; the Earth turns round, the tide goes in and out, water boils at one hundred degrees Celsius and Jason Orange flirts without trying to,” Mark told Gary, giving him a small prod.
“Excuse me, can I please be exempt from this? I have not ever – and will not ever – fancy my twin brother. And I want out of this discussion now!!” Justin complained, screwing up his face.
“I don’t fancy your twin brother either!! And I don’t flirt...I charm...” Jason pouted and Howard laughed, giving his husband a kiss on the cheek.
“Oh love, you fancy yourself more than any of the rest of us,” he teased and Jason glared up at him playfully, leaning in very close to Howard’s lips but refusing to give him the kiss he wanted.
“You have no room to talk, smitten one,” he breathed softly before leaning back in his seat as Howard let out a small whimper of protest at having a kiss be so narrowly missed out on.
“Come on Gaz, help me out here, can we non-smitten ones please stick together here and back out of this conversation?” Justin pleaded and Jason chuckled, giving his brother a sympathetic smile. Then everyone noticed Gary had suddenly become very awkward. Mark gasped.
“Oh my God! You did fancy Jay didn’t you!! I knew it!!” he exclaimed, his eyes excited and wide.
“This is getting way too weird – I am still sat here you know!!” Jason groaned, closing his eyes and resting his forehead on Howard’s shoulder.
“Aw, I’m still paying attention to you love,” Howard assured him. Justin sighed in exasperation.
“Come on Barlow, spill!” Mark grinned and Gary pulled a face.
“Look, it was only for about ten seconds! We were in a rehearsal space, for the band thing, you know...but I was young. And, as we’ve already established, Jay is good looking...and a very good dancer...” Gary acknowledged, looking more uncomfortable by the second. Fortunately for him, Mark found his awkwardness adorable and gave him a firm and affectionate hug.
“And now everyone’s at it! Crystal, could you come over here and kiss me please? Just so I feel slightly less left out of this couples’ night!” Justin frowned.
“Oi, you have a wife. It’s not my fault she’s working tonight,” Jason reminded him.
As the twins sulked playfully with each other, Mark had an idea and he reluctantly relinquished his hold of Gary to scoop up his glass.
“Ok, ok, fine –I have a suggestion; let’s play the toast game!” he announced.
“The toast game? Is this loners and twin brothers friendly?” Justin questioned with suspicion.
“The toast game is something we do in the shop on people’s birthdays. And it’s not really a game, that’s just Mark overselling it,” Jason shrugged.
“You each have to toast to one thing – but it can’t be soppy, sentimental or emotional. And has to be linked, in some way, to the occasion being celebrated,” Howard elaborated for his husband.
“Jay’s right, i’s not much of a game really...although I sometimes liven things up by singing my contribution,” Gary added. Crystal beamed, clapping in approval.
“Oo, I’m so up for this! I’ll go first. Let me think...ok! To Tommy The Dane! For letting Howard avert disaster...well, for a little while...and for putting me in a taxi that night despite me calling him Tommy, ensuring that I could be here tonight instead of in a Danish gutter somewhere!” she offered, raising her glass and quirking her eyebrows at the others in expectation.
“I’m not even going to ask,” Jason deadpanned to Howard before dutifully raising his glass. Howard and Crystal exchanged a laugh and then Howard too raised his glass. The rest of the table quickly followed and, with a nod from Mark, they chinked their glasses together.
“To Tommy The Dane!” they said in unison.
“Wherever he may be now...” Crystal sighed wistfully before taking a sip of her drink.
“Me next!” Mark put in, shifting eagerly in his seat.
“Now this I want to hear,” Gary chuckled and Mark stuck his tongue out at him. Gary’s blue eyes twinkled and he put his hands up on mock surrender.
“Sorry, sorry. Never offend the man who (occasionally) makes you tea in the morning,” he said as an aside to no one in particular. Howard let out a curt laugh.
“Tell me about it,” he muttered.
“Love, you are hardly skin and bones for the whole ordeal are you!” Jason teased under his breath and Howard pressed a kiss to his temple.
“Eh, pay attention to me!” Mark protested and everyone laughed at him affectionately.
“I always do,” Gary said softly, forcing Mark to smile.
“I propose a toast to my husband – for having such a big heart that he will let someone work any hours under the sun, as long as they know how to use the new till and put up with his unnatural attachment to his pianos. Coz let’s face it, Jay, since Howard came along, your perfect attendance record has been shot to hell and Gaz hasn’t batted an eyelid!” Mark said brightly, raising his glass.
“Howard, you have ruined me! Thank God I can work that till or I’d be out of a job by now. And I will toast to that,” Jason laughed, also raising his glass and looking at Howard pointedly until he raised his glass too. Crystal and Justin both nodded and raised their glasses too and, with a great show of thinking it over, Gary smiled and chinked his glass against the other five.
“To Mark’s husband!” they said as one and Gary nodded approvingly.
“To me! I think we can probably stop the toasts there you know,” he joked and Mark gave him a kiss.
“You are such a lump...but I’m counting that as your toast,” he commented before shifting his attention to Justin.
“What? Me? Oh...ok...well, bugger...come on, you all know Jay is the brains of this double act!” Justin sighed and Jason rolled his eyes.
“I’m the brains and the beauty and the brawn – come on, pull ya weight, Justin. Can it really be all that hard for you to actually be happy that me and Howard are back together?” he asked and Justin grinned, shrugging and leaning back in his chair.
“Funny you should ask but...yes. And not because I can’t make any more threatening phone calls...although that was fun. But seriously, I’m losing a live-in chef and cleaner here!” he remarked and Howard laughed.
“Oh the advantages to loving you,” he smiled, leaning his forehead to Jason’s temple.
“I feel used,” Jason sighed and Howard gave him an apologetic kiss.
“Alright, alright! I’ll toast as long as it prevents another descent into public displays of affection! I’m gonna toast to...to threatening voicemails that have no affect on people. Howard did beat me to the number one spot on my brother’s priority list and shouting at him was fun, but, even when I shouted at him down a phone line for several weeks, he gave me a taste of my own cold shoulder and ignored me. A stupid move from my point of view but...Jay seemed to approve...actually I seem to remember him saying something about me stopping leaving those threatening messages but oh well! To utterly ignored voicemail threats!” Justin suggested and Jason shook his head despairingly.
“I’m gonna bang your two heads together one of these days, you know that?!” he sighed, looking between Howard and Justin and then rolling his eyes. He took up his glass with his free arm – his other arm still wrapped around Howard’s – and raised his glass to agree to the toast.
“To utterly ignored voicemail threats!” the group agreed with a chink of glasses and Howard smiled.
Silence fell as all eyes came to rest on the couple for whom they were here. Their chairs were pulled close together, their arms in a complicated tangle across the table, their heads dipped towards each other and their smiles shy. They could feel the looks and they didn’t quite know how to abate them.
“We toasted, now you share,” Gary said softly, keen to hear his best friend’s verdict on everything that had happened. He hadn’t had chance to talk to Jason properly since he and Howard had got back together and he needed to know that he was alright, needed to be sure he was doing his upmost, as Jason’s best friend, to look after him.
“Ok so...seriously...” Jason spoke gently and slowly and he avoided eye contact with anyone at the table except Howard, who kept a tender and protective watch over him.
“Jay...” Howard began to step in but Jason flashed him a sidelong smile before looking up at the others around him, revealing the calm look in his eyes to his concerned friends.
“It’s all ok. I mean it. So you can all stop looking at me like I might break at any moment. I know I married an idiot, ok? But he knows things. And he’s stubborn enough to not actually back off as far as I tell him to. And coz of that, it’s all ok...we’re ok,” Jason said and Gary smiled at him.
“All I needed to hear mate,” he replied and Mark nodded enthusiastically.
“Me too. Now come on people – let’s order dessert!” he beamed and Jason laughed at him.
“Now that I will toast to!” he grinned, casting another smile at his husband as he squeezed his hand once more as the others squabbled over what to order for dessert.
***
It had been raining, and the tarmac outside was damp, reflecting the orange glow of the street lights as the stillness of an English night echoed across the quiet streets. To Gary it sounded like a slow meander of piano cords and he couldn’t help but feel a shiver down his spine as his songwriter’s mind laced flutes and cracked vocals out into the night. But he let Mark’s hand loosely holding onto his own be his anchor to the real world and just about managed to keep pace with Mark’s footsteps instead of losing himself in his reverie. There was a scrunch of shoes on the tarmac as Mark twisted to look for Jason and Howard and before Gary knew what was happening the peace was broken by a firm tug on his arm. Mark called out after Howard and Jason, hurrying across the street towards them and pulling Gary with him.
“Jay, Howard! Wait up!” Mark’s voice cut through the night with a gentle warmth. Jason turned his head a little. His arm was linked through Howard’s as they walked back towards the car together, Howard’s jacket around his shoulders for extra warmth. With a small tilt of his head Howard turned around, reluctantly breaking his and Jason’s linked arms.
“We thought we’d shaken you pair,” he sighed good naturedly and Jason smiled.
“You know we actually have somewhere we need to be,” he put in, though his eyes were no less warm. Gary simply smiled at his friends before exchanging a knowing glance with Mark.
“Yeah, we figured as much. But we wanted to give you this first,” Mark replied, nodding his head towards a gift bag that Gary held out towards Jason. Jason’s brow knitted and he scrutinized Gary’s face, trying to judge what he was up to. Gary just chuckled.
“Go on, take it,” he prodded gently and Jason obliged, taking the gift bag into his hands and peering inside. A smile slowly spread across his face and he let out a small laugh, shaking his head in amusement and disbelief, slowly looking up at Gary and Mark once more and handing the bag over to his husband, who also peered inside and grinned. Two matching buttonholes of blue roses and baby’s breath.
“Do I even want to know how you...?” Jason began and Mark shrugged.
“Let’s just say Gaz is really smart and a really good friend and...well, I’m really cunning and have a really good eye for details,” he told Jason and Jason nodded slowly.
“Thank you, both of you. For everything I mean – I couldn’t wish for better mates,” he smiled.
“I second that...it takes a really nice guy to warn someone that they’re going to be giving them the cold shoulder,” Howard agreed with a smirk and Gary laughed.
“Yeah well, I’m a great believer in happy endings, I figured I should go easy on you just in case I’d be standing in the middle of a street giving you an anniversary gift a few weeks later,” he said.
“He makes it sound so fairy tale when he puts it like that, but seriously, I think it’s just physics...or chemistry or...some sort of science. You and you are just...cosmically matched,” Mark added with a tilt of his head and a twinkly smile. Jason chuckled.
“Mm, that famous cosmic science,” he teased and Mark pouted at him.
“Shut up you, you went to college, I didn’t. You clever, me pretty,” he huffed and Howard frowned.
“Um...him clever and pretty...” he corrected and Jason rolled his eyes.
“What do you think Gaz, should we ever have let this pair into our lives?” he joked and Gary smiled.
“Oh I don’t know, they’ve certainly brought their fair share of adventures with ‘em,” he mused.
“Cosmic science it is then,” Jason said softly, winking at Howard and smiling back at Mark.
“Anyway, I thought you two had somewhere to be!” Mark exclaimed suddenly, putting his hands on his hips and drawing himself up to his full height, which was still extremely small when he was stood next to Howard and Jason’s tall, muscular frames.
With quiet goodbyes and a brief discussion of who would take what shift at the shop, Howard and Jason were gone and Mark and Gary stood a moment to watch them disappear down the street. Mark leant his head on Gary’s shoulder.
“Jay is never going to top that gift,” Gary remarked absentmindedly and Mark laughed.
“You want a bet on that? You know what he’s like with presents! Anyway, it doesn’t matter either way, they still get the last laugh,” he assured Gary, still staring off down the street though Howard and Jason were long gone.
“Oh? Why’s that then?” Gary frowned.
“Coz we are never going to top the romance of their gift to each other,” Mark sighed and Gary smiled, nodding slowly and snaking his arm softly around Mark’s slim waist.
“Oh I don’t know...I daresay we could make our own romance,” he suggested in a low voice. Mark arched an eyebrow, looking at Gary out of the corner of his eye, a mischievous smile on his lips.
“Why Mr.Barlow! What on earth are you suggesting?!” he grinned and Gary pursed his lips.
“That it’s time I took a break from being a Good Northern Lad,” he replied and Mark laughed brightly as Gary whisked him off down the street, pressing soft kisses into the crook of his neck and squeezing him close as the scuffle of their shoes on the wet tarmac echoed into the cool April air.
***
The room was lit entirely by softly flickering candles, glowing yellow and amber. The room was only small but its space felt vast somehow. Howard and Jason didn’t object to the emptiness of the room, they revelled in it. It had been their intention all along. Symbolic of the fact that there was no one else allowed to know Jason’s fragility, no one else capable of bringing out Howard’s strength. No one else but them to whom their promises really needed to be made. Silently Jason smoothed the dark blue silk of Howard’s scarf and Howard smiled a twinkling smile at him. They still wore their smart jackets, although now they were adorned with buttonholes of blue roses and baby’s breath. A rotund gentleman with a round face, rosy cheeks, small, glittering green eyes and wispy grey hair was the man in charge and it was with a broad smile that he invited them to join hands as he began his speech.
“It is only upon reflection that we understand the true values of the experiences we share with the important people in our lives. We share happiness and dreams, sadness and struggles. And above all, we make promises. It is to those we love that we make the greatest promises in life and yet, often, it is the promises to those we love that we take for granted. We are here today to remember the promises that the two of you have made to each other and to renew them and imbue them with fresh strength and understanding gained from two years at each other’s side, as each other’s certainty in a world of constant change. First, I invite you, Jason Thomas Orange, to once again promise your all to this man as he promises it to you and promise to love, honour and protect him for as long as you both shall live,” he murmured into the quiet. Jason smiled softly.
“I promise that Howard Paul Donald is the only one allowed to know all of me, who will ever bring out all of me. And I will love, honour and protect him in every way I can, for the rest of our lives.”
“And do you, Howard Paul Donald, once again promise your all to Jason, as he has promised it to you, and promise to love, honour and protect him for as long as you both shall live?”
“I promise that Jason Thomas Orange can always have me, to know him, to be there for him, and that, no matter what, I will never change the way I see him. And I will love, honour and protect him. Always.”