Pick N Mix Kisses
Soft, warm beams of sunlight fell across
Howard’s chest and he groaned, stretching lazily before turning over. To his
surprise, when his arm flopped across the bed, it landed against crisp, empty
sheets, and, letting out a grunt of protest at the discovery, he reluctantly
opened one eye. Judging by the pristine quiet that had fallen across the room, Jason
was clearly long gone, and so Howard pulled a face, yawning and pushing himself
upright, looking around the room and blinking blearily. A wonky smile settled
on his lips as he took it in; Jason’s half of the bed was catalogue-ready,
smoothed out sheets and plump pillows, his bedside table clear but for his lamp
and a novel. Howard’s half of the bed, meanwhile, was all mangled sheet and a
scrunch of covers, his bedside table covered with a complex assortment of
random wires, a badly scratched iPod, miscellaneous keys and three empty
glasses which had become so entwined with the chaos that Jason had made no
attempt to repatriate them to the kitchen. His phone’s alarm was still vibrating
away to itself, the actual sound having given up at least an hour ago –
although Howard only realised this after standing on it as he climbed out of
bed, his phone clearly having been knocked down onto the ground at some point during the
night. Howard put the phone out of its misery and tossed it down onto the bed
before getting dressed. Jason had picked up his crumpled clothes for him from the night
before and put them away – everything around Howard had been softly put back
into order without complaint whilst he slept and Howard wondered, with a smirk,
what exactly the payback would be. In fact, when he thought about it, he had a
dim memory of someone trying to wrestle the duvet away from him in the early
morning light, the words ‘Get up you lazy sod’ being laughed and followed,
eventually, by a slight ‘tut’ noise as Howard had burrowed further under the
covers. Howard grinned and ran his hands through his hair sheepishly; Jason was
slowly tidying up the rough edges of Howard’s life, and Howard was doing his best
to get Jason to let go a little more, and somewhere in the middle of it, Howard
was sure, they were fitting around each other to the point where it became hard
to understand how either had lived before the other.
Jason’s apartment – their apartment as of two months ago – was a modern, bright development on the top floor of the building, a suntrap of a place with its large windows and clean, open-plan design. The brushed metal and polished wood fixtures and fittings and white walls could have left the place feeling cold and empty, but Jason had made the place feel warm and quirky with his personal touches, items which should have been mismatched, furniture, ornaments and photograph frames somehow fitting together in a way that was interesting and homely, spaces for some of Howard’s only belongings also having been found to add to the splashes of colour and pattern that made the place so unmistakably theirs. Jason’s small desk area was overcrowded with pen pots and photographs, his guitar was sitting next to the stereo, a throw cover which Mark had given him was folded over the back of the sofa. But one of Grace’s paintings was up on the fridge, a jointly-chosen selection of framed pictures and posters lined the corridor, it was Howard’s stereo which propped up Jason’s guitar, and somehow – somehow – it worked.
As he padded out into the main space – a spacious lounge divided from the kitchen only by a breakfast bar with high, smart stools – Howard glanced around hopefully, looking for any sign that Jason might breeze out and flash him one of those half-amused smiles he always gave Howard when his hair was sleep-mussed and his eyes still half-closed. But – as Howard had suspected when he’d woken up – Jason was clearly long gone, only the sunlight lighting the stillness and silence. The whole apartment had been tidied since last night, all evidence of their jointly-home-cooked dinner hidden away in the dishwasher and the cushions on the sofa plumped and fluffed, though Howard’s laptop still sat on the coffee table, untouched.
Howard liked this apartment; he liked the way it caught the light and the way it felt to be here in the mornings, he liked the way it felt like home to him in a way nowhere had before. He used to hate moving, hated the feeling of not belonging that usually came along with it. But from the moment he’d met Jason, he’d come to realise what feeling comfortable – feeling at home and wanted – really was. Jason had, in a few brief smiles, given him a place where he felt understood, trusted, and as long as he had that he was home. But the apartment had its own charms, and Howard had felt he had a place there for a long time now, had come to think of a side of the bed as his own, a spot on the sofa, a space at the breakfast bar – and Jason had silently accepted these spaces as being his too, seamlessly, their only conflicts really coming over Howard’s tendency to leave everything he touched lying around. Still, Jason had cleared Howard spaces in almost all the cupboards, bought in all of Howard’s favourite foods (mostly junk food, to both Jason’s disgust and Howard's amusement) and he had even made a deal with Grace to turn his spare room into her room for when she stayed with them at the weekends. Howard knew it made him a soppy so-and-so but he’d felt tears in his eyes watching the two of them make their mock-serious negotiations, Grace’s little face scrunched up in determination and Jason’s blue eyes wide and sparkling as he’d nodded solemnly in response to Grace’s demands. Howard wasn’t sure he’d ever met anyone so ready to accept all of his life before, so ok with the mess that it was and the complications that came of him having a daughter. But Jason had always been willing to stretch his arms as wide as was needed; he was one of the only people Howard had ever met who didn’t think of Grace as being a separate issue to their relationship, instead seeing her as the extension of Howard that she was and treating her with all the same love and respect because of it. It was probably a sign that this really was the relationship Howard should be in, but even so Howard was grateful for it, relieved that this man who made his heart turn over when he laughed at his jokes was also the man who would listen intently to a tiny, bossy girl’s wall colour demands like she was a world-renowned interior decorator he’d hired. After all, Howard and his daughter were a package deal, and if Jason hadn’t accepted that then, with extreme reluctance, Howard would have had to walk away. He adored his daughter, worshipped the ground she walked on. Jason, unlike most people Howard had dated previously, hadn’t even needed to be told this. It was Jason who had taken the initiative to silently invite Grace into their relationship and Howard had been both amazed and grateful. In fact, Jason and Grace were now quite a force to be reckoned with – they got on famously and between the two of them they could bend Howard to their every whim in mere seconds. It would’ve been frightening, if it didn’t make him smile so much.
Howard headed for the kitchen, smirking as he noticed the lengthy note which had been left for him on the fridge. Carefully he released it from the magnet which had been holding it in place and leant back against the counter to read it. Had to go early – Oliver bailed last minute and now I’m the lucky brother chosen to help Justin move house. I tried to wake you but you wouldn’t budge and I didn’t have the heart to try again. I’ve made you a bacon butty if you’re hungry, there’s HP in the cupboard but I only just cleaned the kitchen this morning so I will know if you get any anywhere!! Be good and don’t forget you have to pick Grace up from Izzy’s at three. See you later, Lazy Bones! Love you – Jay x
Howard had wolfed his butty down and showered in record time, keen to get up and get going. He had to talk to someone about a possible new, regular DJ spot, and Grace would not be impressed if he was late picking her up from Izzy’s, so he knew he needed to get a move on if he wanted to fit it all in and still have time to hunt down Jason and spend some time with him before the day was over. As he towelled his hair dry he retrieved his phone from the floor of the bedroom, wanting to call Jason to find out what time he thought he might be free from moving duties, but Jason didn’t pick up so Howard fired off a quick text to him instead before quickly pulling on a t-shirt, grabbing his keys from the bedside table and heading out for the day.
***
Gary sighed as he turned the shop sign around from ‘Closed’ to ‘Open’ and he wondered to himself, briefly, if it would really make all that much difference. Oldham Street had been quiet these past few weeks and he couldn’t quite remember the last time the shop had actually sold anything. He was glad of the peace if he was honest, though he was reluctant to look at his latest bank statement for fear it would shatter the illusion very quickly. He shook off the thought and set about getting the shop ready for the day, straightening the instruments as he passed them before shrugging off his jacket and glancing around the room. He realised that there was a growing number of mugs left scattered amidst the musical paraphernalia – he’d given Jason the week off and Mark had been filling in, doing an excellent job of chatting to the few customers who did stop by, but not paying quite the same amount of attention to detail as Jason always did. Still, he was willing to work for free, so Gary didn’t complain. Mark’s touch around the place was unique; he still made the tea and he still scattered the dust with his fits of giggles, but he didn’t see tidying as a priority, Gary thought with a smile.
Unlike Jason and Howard, Mark and Gary had been reluctant to label their relationship – something that didn’t go unnoticed amongst the four men, even if no one commented on it overtly. It was hard not to compare, since Howard’s arrival in their shop had been the catalyst for both relationships, in many ways, and Gary was sure that, on some level, he and Mark both instinctively studied Jason and Howard’s relationship with curiosity, because as happy as they were for Jason, they were also fascinated by the change in him since Howard had come along. Gary had watched as Howard was invited into more and more aspects of Jason’s life, as he had been brought closer and closer in until he clearly knew things no one else knew, shared looks with Jason no one else could understand and made him laugh when no one else could. Jason had always been so guarded, and it was startling – in the best of ways – to Gary to see his walls come down, to the point where he was even starting to be more open with Mark and Gary too, though they were still aware that no one saw as much as Howard did. In the past, though, Gary knew, Jason had a tendency to keep himself at a distance even with his own family, always trying to seem like his head was further above water than it was, always very careful to keep himself from letting the cracks show in front of his brothers, never wanting them to see too much of his weaker side, Gary guessed out of a sense of duty to them, being as he was the second eldest. And from what he knew of Jason’s past, Jason’s dad leaving when they were young had been something that had put a whole different level of responsibility on the older boys’ heads – though that was as far as Jason had been willing to go when talking to Gary about that time in his life. But then suddenly there was Howard. Howard who had been told all of the story of Jason’s family, including the parts even Jason’s brothers weren’t allowed to know; Gary didn’t know that for sure, but he guessed, had managed to glean a certain idea from things both Howard and Jason had said. It was significant, Gary knew; Jason had exposed himself to risk, to vulnerability, by sharing with Howard the soft underbelly no one else was allowed to know. He had allowed someone to be stronger than him for the first time in his life. To see someone so very guarded become so suddenly changed, someone who had always been so tense start to smile more and trust more and let the light dance in his eyes in a whole new way was peculiar for Gary, because he had always thought of himself as much less complicated than Jason, and yet when it came to Mark, he couldn’t bring himself to simply surrender the way Jason had with Howard. Although he never said anything, Gary knew that Mark thought about it too, he was sure that he sometimes watched Howard and Jason with a certain longing in his eyes. It wasn’t that Howard and Jason found everything easy, it wasn’t that they never fought or held back or got things wrong, but their attitude towards the possibility of these setbacks was fearless and they were somehow both relaxed and serious about their commitment to one another. Jason had all but adopted Howard’s daughter, whilst Howard had survived the melee that was the Orange family household on a weekend, and even more impressive, he even seemed to have enjoyed himself. There was determination in everything they did, a stubborn refusal to let any one problem become more important than the connection they felt when they were together. Unlike most other people, Mark and Gary hadn’t been entirely surprised when Jason had asked Howard to move in; as Jason’s closest friends, they saw more than most and they saw the change in him and where it had come from. But they could see why people who weren’t so close to Howard and Jason’s relationship might be surprised; Jason’s apartment had always been his haven, his safest and most guarded place. But now that safety came from Howard, so what better place for Howard than the haven Jason had needed before he knew him.
It hadn’t gone unnoticed; the final of Jason’s carefully created boundaries crumbling, another landmark in his and Howard’s relationship effectively marked whilst Mark and Gary stood still, watching on the sidelines, together but going nowhere. Mark had made small hints in the time since Jason told them (with a casual, offhand comment and a smile he thought Gary and Mark didn’t see) but nothing Mark had said had been to any avail. Gary wasn’t sure, but he couldn’t help but feel the attempts had been half-hearted anyway, as if he’d known before he’d even said the words that the hints, though they would not be missed, would go ignored. Gary hated causing him any disappointment, hated to see the slight spark of hurt in his eyes and the unasked questions in his face. But it begged the question why, if Mark was so sure of their relationship, was he not willing to be the one to say the words, to put those doubts and hopes out there to be discussed, to be worked on. Gary had always felt so awkward with relationships, never knowing when to say something, change something, always feeling like the clueless so-and-so stumbling around and putting his foot in things. But then, including his relationship with Mark, he’d only ever had three truly meaningful romances in his entire life and the first two had both ended in disaster – it wasn’t a great track record and it had made him wonder if the problem was him. And he didn’t want to burden Mark with that, was sure Mark could do better with his sunny smile and his genuine soul. So he continued to ignore the hints, and Mark cheered himself up by buying an industrial-size bag of Haribo, both of them playing along with the idea that they were both surer of where they stood than they actually were. It went on that way: Gary told him he’d rot his teeth with all those sweets, Mark bought him popcorn and told him to be quiet. They both resigned themselves to trips to the dentist after that, but they still didn’t move in together. Jason wasn’t one to judge, certainly wasn’t the type to think he had his life figured out and judge others for how they figured out theirs. But he wasn’t a fool, he could sense the uneasiness and, no doubt, from where he stood, with his surprisingly steady romance and is new-found surety, he must’ve despaired of the pair of them.
Sighing, Gary picked up a mug, realising that when Jason came back next week he would probably be horrified at the state of the shop if nothing was done soon. He stifled a yawn and looked around at what needed to be straightened out with a glum expression, longing for a distraction. And, to his relief, distraction came almost immediately, the sound of the shop’s bell startling him from his stupor and causing him to turn around just in time to see Mark come bouncing in through the door. His hair was ruffled and there were snowflakes nestling about his scarf; the sun was high in the sky but a light snowfall was just starting to come down and Mark had clearly made no effort to avoid the sudden flurry. Gary could only smile when he saw him – all wide-eyed and gleeful, scarf at a jaunty angle and his smile bright and genuine. Gary had already had to help make three snowmen with Mark so far this week, the unexpectedly late snowfall bringing out his inner child; Mark loved to be busy and always moving, always needing a distraction or a project, there was an urge in him to create things and a strange, bewildered innocence that seemed to hide his past and his pains, protecting him from it until such a time that he could create whatever it was he needed to process everything. And the more Gary disappointed him, the more frenzied Mark became, the more projects he sought out, the more determinedly cheerful he was. Gary knew he should be honest with him, knew he was probably hurting him more by not just explaining his anxieties, was probably creating anxieties for Mark and messing them both up for good. But he was awkward with honesty – yet another difference between him and Jason. Not that Gary was a liar or a cheat – he was as good and honest as they come in that sense. It was the more awkward honesties of life he struggled with; the real, raw pains and the prickles and the uncomfortable silences in between. As far as he was concerned, that brand of honesty could hurt too much – the one full of stories from the past that he’d rather were kept there, the one full of emotions still too ugly to really accept as having ever been his. As guarded as he was, with those he really cared about, Jason would be honest. He perhaps wouldn’t tell the stories or the full extent of the feelings, but he would admit to them being there, wouldn’t plough on blindly barely scratching the surface, instead simply taking himself off to be alone for a while and asking people to try to understand. He thought it was probably what he owed his fellow human beings; to know how he was, who he truly was as a person. But Gary thought he owed his fellow human beings more simple lives than that.
As Mark shut the door behind him, Gary put down the mug and abandoned the clean-up effort, turning to face Mark as he bounded up to him and pressed a carefree kiss onto his lips. Gary could feel the curve of his smile pressed against him and it made him smile too. He enjoyed the sugary taste of Mark’s kisses.
“Mm, your kisses taste like sherbet,” he said, brushing a soft finger against Mark’s cheek.
“Pick N Mix actually…but close,” Mark grinned sweetly, standing on tiptoe to give him another quick peck and then quickly spinning away to remove his scarf, hanging it over a saxophone before spinning back around, all but skipping closer, throwing his arms around Gary’s neck in an exuberant, affectionate gesture. Gary studied Mark’s gentle face, leaning their foreheads together with an adoring smile before closing the remaining distance between them and going in for another, deeper kiss.
“Morning, by the way,” Gary murmured jokingly against Mark’s lips, and Mark laughed so brightly it was almost musical, the sound rough and warm against Gary’s bones.
“I could get used to that kind of a welcome,” he said, arching an eyebrow, and for a moment they simply stood together, eyes locked. Gary came close to putting back the ‘Closed’ sign, but couldn’t quite bring himself to actually move and break the embrace. After a moment, he pulled a face and leant their foreheads back together.
“Now come on you, get to work!” he teased, and Mark laughed again, giving him a small shove. Gary gave Mark’s rear a quick slap as he moved away and Mark stuck his tongue out in response, twirling away once more and scooping up his scarf, throwing it at Gary’s face with another bright, delighted laugh.
Eventually, Gary managed to clear the mugs away and get the morning’s tea made and it wasn’t too long before he and Mark found themselves perched on the staircase in their usual spots, waiting for any sign of customers brave enough to come out on such a brisk, icy day. Gary nursed his tea and talked about stuff and nonsense whilst Mark popped Pick N Mix in his mouth at regular intervals and told stories from his shifts at the cafe. They were so wrapped up in their conversation that Mark jumped dramatically when the sound of the bell interrupted the peace and some of his Pick N Mix was sent flying, plopping straight into Gary’s tea. Mark tried not to giggle as Gary crinkled his nose in disgust before they both looked up in unison to see who it was at the door. And, to their surprise (though still less surprising than if it had been an actual customer) it was Howard who stood there, his expressive face set in a worried frown, his brow knitted and his bold blue eyes unusually serious.
“Have either of you two seen Jay?” he asked, burying his hands in his pockets and coming further into the shop. Gary frowned and Mark too seemed confused; there was a note of worry in Howard’s voice that set them both on edge and they couldn’t explain why.
“Sorry, Howard, no sign. Honestly, I thought he was still breaking in his new roommate,” Gary shrugged after a moment, fishing out the fizzy cola bottle from his tea with mild disgust.
“What’s wrong, can’t you reach him?” Mark asked gently, and Howard shook his head.
“No, he’s not answering his phone. Which is nothing new for Jay but…I dunno, even Jay would usually answer by the fourth call, you know?” Howard sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. “He left the apartment before I woke up today, had to help his brother move but I don’t know the address. Once I’d got my meetings out the way and picked up Grace I had to go back across town to drop her off with her mum and it took an age, so I just assumed he’d be home when I got back. I’ve tried calling him again since but it just rings out – I only tried here because he mentioned he’d left his phone charger here the other day so I thought he might’ve stopped by for it.” Howard bit the inside of his cheek, his frown deepening. “It’s just so not like Jay to disappear without telling someone, you know? And I’m starting to worry to be honest with you. Has he really not stopped by at all?” Gary shook his head apologetically, understanding Howard’s concern. It really wasn’t like Jason to skip out on people, but then moving took a long time and it was possible things had been more complicated at his brother’s than he’d thought they’d be. Gary shrugged awkwardly.
“Sorry mate,” he said, and beside him Mark shrugged too, looking like he felt guilty for not being able to give Howard better news.
“It was a long-shot…I just hope he’s ok,” Howard said tensely.
“Come on, we don’t know he’s not just run into someone or something yet. He might’ve met a record executive and be telling him all about us for all you know – I read a story about a band who got signed that way, it was beautiful. Hey, this could be the greatest day of our lives and you’re just worrying over nothing, eh?” Mark offered, his optimism not reaching his eyes. Gary blinked at him for a moment, eyes bright and beady.
“That’s brilliant, you know. As a sentiment; this could be it, this could be the greatest day. I’m getting the notebook for that one…” he began and Mark elbowed him, giving him a pointed look and nodding his head, unsubtly, in Howard’s direction.
“Can we write a song about it later, please? I’m seriously worried right now,” Howard sighed, and Gary looked at his hands, feeling slightly ashamed of himself. He couldn’t help that his mind was almost constantly writing a song.
Suddenly the shop’s phone rang, making all three men jump. The shop phone hardly ever rang. It was in the piano room, mounted on the wall behind the chair, and Gary hadn’t been entirely sure it was even still connected, given that he couldn’t remember the last time he received a phone bill for the shop. For a moment the three men stared in the phone’s direction before all quickly scrambling to their feet, Mark and Gary descending the stairs with a clatter and hopping down the step into the piano room just behind Howard, who reached the phone in two short strides.
“Hello, Barlow’s,” he answered quickly, Mark and Gary looking on curiously.
“Oh, Howard! Great, I was hoping to find you. I’ve been trying to reach you! It’s Justin,” came the reply. Howard’s heart was in his mouth and the look on his face instantly brought Mark and Gary to his side.
“Who is it?” Mark whispered, but Howard wasn’t looking at him, his stare suddenly very intense as he gripped the phone a little tighter.
“Is Jay ok?” Howard asked, knowing that the question was probably redundant if his brother had gone to the trouble of calling the shop to try and find him.
“Look, don’t panic, ok? I would’ve called earlier but I only have the number for the apartment and the shop and I don’t know where Jay left his mobile. But Jay’s fine, I swear, it’s just…there was an accident earlier. Some idiot removal man almost crushed our Jay under some furniture. Seriously, though, he is fine. I mean, not fine fine but…he’s pretty much ok, he’s just going to really feel it in the morning. They’ve got him on some heavy painkillers though, apparently, and they want to keep him in overnight whilst he sleeps it off. I’m sorry to dump this on you this way but I knew you’d go crazy with worry if he didn’t come home,” Justin explained as calmly as he could, and his calmness eased the knot in Howard’s chest a little, though his heart still thumped against his ribcage, the thought of anything, however small, happening to Jason just that bit too much for him to process so quickly.
“Which hospital are you at?” Howard asked, his voice sounding strangely foreign and distant to his own ears, though it was calm and quick all the same. His words startled Mark and Gary and they both looked at him imploringly for answers, matching worried expressions on their faces.
“The Royal – it’s not too far from you. Look, I feel awful leaving him but I really have to get going soon before my mate has to go home – the movers are still at the house and he’s trying to sort it on his own but I can’t just leave him there or he’ll be late for his job. I feel like the worst brother in the world but…Jay would probably rather see you than me anyway, and I really don’t want him to wake up having been skipped out on – you can make it down here, right?”
“Of course, I’ll be there in about twenty minutes,” Howard said, exchanging phone numbers, thank yous and goodbyes briskly before hanging up and heading straight for the door.
“Not so fast, Donald. We’re coming with you,” Mark protested, chasing after him and grabbing his scarf and coat along the way. “What’s even happened anyway?” Howard looked back over his shoulder at them, a mixture of worry and gratitude on his face.
“Jay’s been scraped up by some removal guy not looking where he was going. That was Justin on the phone,” he explained and Gary looked alarmed.
“Blimey. Ok, you go ahead, Howard. I’ll just grab my keys and we’ll see you at the hospital, ok?” he said, and Howard gave him a curt nod.
“It’s the Royal. I’ll see you there.” Mark grabbed his arm and gave it a squeeze.
“Drive safe, How. And cheer up, Jay’s indestructable, you know?” Howard smiled down at Mark gratefully, giving him a small nod of agreement.
“I know. But I won’t be ok ‘til I see him,” he replied softly before turning and heading out of the shop.
***
By the time they arrived at the hospital, Justin had already had to leave, though he’d sent Howard a text to tell him where to go to find Jason. Still, in order to get in to see him, Howard was forced to track down the nurses’ station, navigating the maze of corridors at the hospital with determination, his frown still firmly set as he chewed the inside of his cheek. Gary followed behind him, tugging Mark gently by the hand, the two of them staying quiet and watching Howard with concern, knowing how tense the waiting was making him. Mark was subdued, his eyes clouded and serious in a way they always were when he was fretting, and Gary gave his hand a comforting squeeze. He knew Mark was close to Jason; the two of them could squabble over anything but still Gary suspected Jason knew more about his and Mark’s relationship than he would ever let on, because he was always Mark’s first phone call when things got tough. Gary looked at him caringly, bringing their clasped hands to his lips and pressing a tender kiss against the back of Mark’s hand. Mark smiled at him softly.
“I love you,” he murmured, looking Gary in the eye. Gary’s heart stuttered slightly in its rhythm and as much as he wanted to tell Mark what he wanted to hear, all he could muster was a smile, kissing him on the nose before turning and searching for where Howard had gone, finally spotting him already over by the nurses’ station and going over to join him, pulling Mark along behind him.
“His name is Jason Orange…he came in this afternoon? His brother – Justin – he said he was here?” Howard leant against the desk and took a deep breath, calming himself down. “Look, can I please just see him?” Howard was asking as they came to stand by him and Gary patted his shoulder sympathetically. He glanced over at him and gave him a tight smile before looking imploringly back at the nurse.
“I’m sorry, we’re only really allowed to let family see him right now – he’s on some pretty heavy medication, so he’s out of it. Until he can ok you to come see him…” the nurse sighed, seeming genuinely apologetic as she shrugged helplessly.
“I’m his partner – his brother said it was ok,” Howard was quick to protest and the nurse wavered slightly. She was about to say something when she noticed Mark and Gary hovering nervously behind Howard. She looked at them enquiringly and Gary felt suddenly stricken.
“We’re his…brothers. His other brothers, I mean…we’re his other brothers,” Gary said falteringly, quickly unclasping Mark’s hand and flashing an awkward smile as the nurse arched an eyebrow at him. Mark simply rolled his eyes, taking Gary’s hand back into his own and smiling winningly.
“He means I’m his brother – he’s the brother in law…my husband, you see. Still getting used to being part of the family. But this guy…” Mark gestured at Howard and the nurse smiled in amusement. “He’s ok. We promise,” Mark nodded. Even Howard managed a smile and he looked at the nurse hopefully. He could tell she wasn’t fooled, but her smile was kind and she nodded slowly, looking down at something on her computer screen before meeting Howard’s eyes once more.
“Ok then, Orange family. Lucky for you his brother – his other brother – did mention something to us earlier about a partner. And if you can vouch for these two then they can stick around too,” she conceded kindly. Howard felt his tense shoulders sag a little in relief. “But I will have to warn my supervisor first,” she smirked, disappearing quickly. Howard leant against the desk and savoured the moment of relief. He still desperately needed to see Jason, but everything seemed somehow more manageable now.
“Oh shit.” Howard looked up in surprise at Mark’s sudden exclamation, turning to look at him with eyebrows raised. Mark was staring at someone across the room from them, seeming to shrink back into himself, and Gary and Howard exchanged confused looks before glancing over at the person, who seemed to be heading straight towards them. The man was tallish; tattooed and muscular, a petulant expression on his face and dark, mussed hair. He was dressed in shabby overalls, but there was a swagger to his walk, and the closer he came, the more Mark shrunk back, half-hiding behind Gary, his eyes wide. Yet for some reason, he couldn’t look away.
“Hey…um…Aimee said you were here for that Jason bloke?” the man came to a halt just a short distance back from them, his eyes seeming genuine and earnest, even if there was a note of stubborn defiance to his tone. Howard narrowed his eyes at the man.
“Wait a minute; was it you? Were you the idiot responsible for all this?” he demanded, his voice hard, low and quiet. The man was about to say something, but Howard took a step towards him, eyes fierce. “So you can’t be arsed to look what you’re doing and now my Jay has to spend a night in the hospital? Are you fucking kidding me?! That Jason bloke?! You could’ve seriously hurt him with what you did today, don’t you get that?” He looked at the man imploringly, incensed by his nonchalance and the small, awkward shrug he gave him.
“Look, I’m sorry, I really am. I’m a prize tit, I get that. But I stuck around, didn’t I? Pass on my apology and all that, you know? I didn’t mean t- ” The man broke off abruptly, his gaze suddenly shifting from Howard to who was standing behind him. He looked straight at Mark with an intense expression, joy, fear and hope all mingling curiously across his features. “Markie?! Is that really you?!” He took a step forward but stopped abruptly when Mark stepped instinctively back from him.
“Rob,” Mark mumbled meekly after a beat, still looking like he was shrinking in on himself, his eyes cautiously regarding the man, his whole body tensed.
“Wait a minute, you know this guy?” Howard demanded, confused, looking between Mark and Rob with a disgusted expression on his face.
“Know me? He more than bloody knows me!” Rob grinned, his teeth a sharp glint and his eyes flashing in a way that was somehow frightening. Howard clenched and unclenched his fist, grinding his jaw angrily. “Markie?! How have you been? What have you been doing with yourself?!” Rob asked, seeming oblivious to everything other than Mark now. But Mark simply looked at his shoes, chewing awkwardly on his lip and wishing the ground was hungry enough to swallow him whole.
“Rob, not here, not now, ok?” he said timidly.
“Wait, hold on, how do you know each other?” Gary asked, nervousness building within him as he looked between the unlikely pair, a strange feeling of knowing coming over him. He didn’t know too much about Mark’s history before the bank and the busking on Oldham Street, but Mark’s friends’ and family's faces sometimes clouded over at the mention of certain stories, certain places, certain times. Gary had always wondered why – but now he saw that same look he’d seen on their faces, only this time, it was on Mark’s face. Quiet, subtle, but definitely there.
“Look, Gaz, it was ages ago,” Mark half-whispered, looking over at him pleadingly. “Honest, Gaz, I was just a kid and he…me and him we…we did stupid stuff and it was a mess and it was a long time ago, ok?” Mark stressed, his voice a little firmer now. “He was a right bastard to me and he broke my heart…and I swear, that’s the only reason I haven’t told you about him, ok?” Mark frantically scrambled to explain.
“More to the point, Markie; who is this bloke?” Robbie interrupted, eyeing Gary with a mixture of disapproval and distrust.
“Rob, please, just piss off back to Stoke would you,” Mark groaned, desperation in his eyes.
“Alright, alright, I can take a hint.” Rob didn’t move, eyes still on Mark, his expression intense. “I’ll be around though, Markie, if you change your mind.” He smirked and slowly turned back to Howard, tipping his head slightly in a show of mock-respect. “Let me know how-”
“Don’t you dare even say Jay’s name or I swear I will punch your lights out right here, right now,” Howard cut him off sharply. Rob scoffed but Howard’s eyes were sharp and determined and he took a step towards Rob, forcing him to meet his stare. “Get lost. Now.” Robbie held up his hands in surrender, chuckling slightly as he backed off. Even when he eventually spun on his heel and breezed away, Howard still stared after him, his whole body on alert. Gary, meanwhile, just stood, staring in bewilderment at the whole scene before slowly turning his eyes back to Mark.
“Um…excuse me,” a calm, crisp voice cut through the tension of the moment and, slowly, dazedly, the three men turned to see the nurse had returned to the desk, her expression mildly concerned. Howard wondered how long she had been standing there and just how much she had heard, and he felt all the fight go out of him in a heartbeat, his thoughts immediately turning back to Jason with a vengeance.
“Sorry – are we ok to see Jay now?” Howard sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes.
“Yes, you can. But only one at a time so…” The nurse waved her hand vaguely, gesturing for the three of them to decide who would get to go and see Jason first. Mark offered Howard a small smile.
“You go, Howard, we all know Jay’ll want you anyway,” he managed in a hoarse whisper.
“Thanks. Are you two going to be ok?” Howard asked gently and Mark forced a smile.
“Shut up and just go. But give him our love, ok?” Howard smiled gratefully and nodded before nodding at the nurse and following her away.
“I…I think I’m going to get a drink of water…”Gary said quietly after a long minute of silence had passed between them. Mark opened his mouth and then closed it again, watching helplessly as Gary walked away.
***
Mark shivered slightly, trying to retreat inside his scarf and wishing he had a warmer coat as the snow began to fall once more. He still preferred to be outside though, away from the constant movement and the oppressiveness of the sterile hospital environment; knowing Jason would be fine didn’t change the way the hospital made him feel so on-edge, and he had too many memories of sitting in hospital waiting rooms, worried for himself or for Rob, wishing he knew how they’d even ended up there, pretending the nurses couldn’t see through the pair of them.
He took one final drag on his cigarette before stubbing it out and chucking it away, closing his eyes a moment and trying to clear his head, trying to gather himself and somehow fix his smile back in place. But it was no use.
“Still smoke then?” A voice came from behind him and his heart sank a little – it was a voice he knew well, too well. He and Rob had been practically joined at the hip – a long time ago but it felt like yesterday to Mark in that moment. They’d been best friends, partners in crime, lovers – they’d been everything and it had been overwhelming and brilliant and terrifying and the memories made Mark feel unsteady on his feet. He and Rob had been the perfect couple once. They’d gone everywhere together, adored one another. But then something happened – maybe it had always been there, maybe something changed, maybe Mark just grew out of it all, Mark wasn’t sure, even to this day couldn’t say exactly what it was that tore them apart. All he knew was that something in Rob had broken and he had definitely begun to change. He got louder, crueller and much more drunk. Mark fell asleep with Robbie passed out drunk at his side more and more often, and the stunts he pulled, the situations he dragged the two of them into, got crazier and more intense. Though that still wasn’t as bad as when he started to leave Mark out, started to look right through him, or – even worse – started to look at him like he was the cause of all the bad in his life and lash out at him with carefully-chosen barbs. And then Rob left him without word one night. In the morning, Rob was still gone; in a day, in week. It had broken Mark’s heart, though there had also been a peculiar sense of relief that it was over, the intensity just lifted in a moment. It had left him with little choice but to leave himself. It hadn’t really been until he met Gary and Jason that he’d managed to truly pick up the pieces in any meaningful way, his closeness with Gary being the ultimate antidote to the ghosts of those awful, amazing nights with Rob. Gary was what Mark had really needed; stable and calm, rational but willing to be daft, creative but not always on the edge, driven and carrying his own scars but never to the point where he looked liable to reach that point of damaged logic where setting fire to things just to watch them burn was ever going to be an option. And the way Mark felt about him was different to how he’d felt with Rob too; there was that same intensity, but it didn’t set him on edge, it wasn’t intense in that screaming, uncertain way his and Rob’s young love had been. Gary was real love. Gary was home and comfort. Gary was the person Mark would listen to him when he needed to be listened to, would be there to talk nonsense to him when the last thing he wanted was to talk. Gary was a person who would find him and take him home when he got lost. And yes, sometimes that love ached so much in his heart that he felt like he’d just crashed into a brick wall every time Gary smiled. But with that came an intense fear of losing him if he looked at Mark too closely, if he found where all the fault lines were and realised just what he was getting himself into – because Gary refused to look, refused to explain his history enough for Mark to know if he could ever understand his own past, his own fears. Gary didn’t like uncertainty – and yet his fear of it was the only doubt Mark had left about their relationship. And he wanted to fight harder, wanted to reach that place where the honesty felt good and safe and right, but fighting to get anywhere near that place was exhausting enough, especially when Gary always shut down on him at the slightest sign of trouble.
“Markie? You listening to me?” Mark winced and took a deep breath before risking a glance over at where Robbie was still standing, watching him curiously.
“Yeah, I still smoke. Jay’s trying to get me to quit…was working too ‘til you tried to crush him with the furniture. Well, maybe not working that well but…old habits I guess,” he mumbled as Robbie himself began to light up, a small smirk on his lips at the words. Old habits – the two of them had a lot of old habits they probably shouldn’t fall back into. Each other, for start, Mark thought, trying to ignore the pang of nostalgia that hit every time he looked into Rob’s face.
“I am sorry about your mate, Markie. I stopped concentrating for, like, two seconds and…the Robbie Williams curse strikes again. You know what me and trouble are like,” Robbie said with a cheeky grin that didn’t convince. Mark looked over at him, pitying and cynical, and Robbie looked away, shaking his head slightly. “Whatever, Markie. I didn’t mean it, ok?” he muttered, not meeting Mark’s eyes.
“So did you just stop concentrating or did turn up to work drunk?” Mark asked him quietly. “Because I know it wouldn’t be the first time if you did.”
“Markie,” Robbie sighed, his voice a half-whine, and Mark flinched at that all-too-familiar tone. He swallowed a lump in his throat and looked away, the memories too difficult for him to deal with.
“Don’t even try and justify, Rob, coz I heard enough of it when we were together.” He wrapped his arms around himself protectively. “In one day you’ve scared off my boyfriend, put my best mate in the hospital and made the most laid back man I know threaten to punch your lights out. My life didn’t need turning upside down again and yet, when I finally start to really have things sorted, you turn up and it’s like a hurricane.” He sniffed and finally looked back over at Robbie, who was looking straight back at him, all intensity and defiance, just how Mark remembered him on that night he walked away and never came home. “What do you want me to say, Rob? It’s ok? Because it’s not. I just want you to go before you do any more damage. And don’t even think about looking me up when this is all over.” Robbie looked at him in a way he found unsettling. He suddenly took a step towards him, and Mark’s whole body tensed, though he found somehow the panic made him still.
“Ohw, come on Markie, you don’t mean that,” Robbie cooed, opening up his arms wide, his grin more of a leer as he looked at Mark with that sad, hopeful expression on his face that had won Mark over so many times in the past. Before Mark could even think about backing away, the taller man had a hand on his cheek and he leaned in closer, his powerful, muscular body engulfing Mark easily, even as he squirmed away.
“Rob! Let me go!” he protested, fighting to get out of Robbie’s grip. He felt Robbie’s breath, hot against his ear as he stroked a thumb along his cheek, and Mark let out a whimper, fighting to push him back, desperate to get away from the familiar smell of his aftershave, mixing with the smell of cheap booze and cigarettes on Robbie’s breath.
“Come on, Markie, whatever happened to me and you?!” Robbie persisted, trying to press a kiss into Mark’s neck.
“Please stop,” Mark whispered, feeling tears in his eyes as he managed to twist in Robbie’s grip, getting just enough leverage to turn away from his kiss.
And that was when he saw him: Gary Barlow standing just outside the hospital doors. Robbie felt Mark’s sudden stillness in his arms and he turned to see what he was looking at. At the sight of Gary’s dazed, hurt expression, Robbie finally let Mark go, and Mark stumbled out of the unwanted embrace, scrambling to get away from Robbie and over to Gary, to safety. But Gary still stared at Rob, his expression empty and cold. And when he finally looked at Mark, all he could see was the spot on his neck where Robbie’s lips had been. He didn’t see the drunken stumble Robbie made when Mark’s weight was no longer balancing him, or the rough tear-tracks staining Mark’s soft cheeks. He just saw everything crumbling around him. In slow motion. And his instinct was to run. Run before it can hurt you any more, run before that image can be burned into your brain. He sucked in a breath, closing his eyes in a resolve not to cry.
“Gaz! Gaz wait, where are you going?” he heard Mark calling after him as he began to stride away. But he couldn’t look back at him. Mark’s eyes would melt him, ruin his resolve, invite him in for more hurt. He’d been able to cope last time he’d been burnt like this. Able to, but only just. And only because the person who had hurt him really hadn’t mattered, not when he’d managed to finally get perspective and look back on it all with more clarity – they’d always given him reason to doubt them and so, when they failed him, it had softened the blow. But with Mark? He couldn’t take it. Mark meant too much. He had just begun to believe that Mark was worth the leap of faith, that Mark could be trusted in a way no one else had been. Mark – he had thought – was worth the risk of getting hurt. Mark was a love that made Gary’s heart want to burst, he saw stars when Mark laughed because the joy of that sound made him so dizzy. Someone so gorgeously loving, so special, couldn’t be allowed to break his heart. It was too much to deal with. Gary felt the tears finally come as he slammed the door of his car. He would go back to the shop – how many times had he explained to Jason: his pianos couldn’t break his heart.
“Gaz!” Mark whimpered again, tensing as he felt Robbie come up behind him, gripping his arm tightly and trying to use his height advantage against him. Feeling more hot tears spilling down his cheeks, Mark turned sharply, wrenching his arm from Robbie’s grip and suddenly lashing out, kicking him on the shin. His breath was heavy against Mark’s neck now, brushing against his cheek, feathering through his hair, and it made Mark feel sick, but his resolve to get to Gary was strong and he used all his force - and his sober advantage - to shove him back before running off in the direction Gary had disappeared. But he soon realised that Gary was long gone, and he slowly came to a halt, standing dazedly on his own, wiping at his cheeks.
When he returned to the hospital entrance, Robbie was still stood outside the doors. Mark bit down hard on his lip and tried to ignore him, determined not to let him win, to let him see him cry. Again. He felt like he’d just lost the fight. No matter how important the battle was to him, Gary’s heart had been lost and Mark couldn’t quite absorb the shock.
As he reached the doors, Mark could still feel Robbie’s eyes on his back and he wasn’t sure why but he looked back, stopping a moment to look over at him, a frown creasing his usually soft features. Maybe he still had a little fight left in him after all, he thought, taking a steadying breath before setting his jaw and turning determinedly and marching over to the other man. He clenched his jaw and stopped right in front of Robbie, staring up into his face a moment before raising his hand, letting it slap against Robbie’s face with an almighty clap.
“I’m done, Rob. I mean it.” Mark had never slapped anyone in his life before and he was surprised at his own force. But as Robbie staggered back, Mark kept his face stern. He gave Robbie one last meaningful look, making sure that, even drunk, Robbie would know better than to follow him inside.
***
Howard stepped tentatively over to the bed, a small smile on his face as he finally laid eyes on Jason; the rise and fall of his chest steady and constant. It was comforting just to see him – to be close again, to see with his own eyes that there was no need to worry. Jason’s presence had become so much a part of him, so much of a constant, that the sudden absence and the not knowing had made him feel like he was suffocating. But then there Jason was again and Howard could breathe; he felt the remaining traces of tension dissipate as he sank into the chair by the bed, taking Jason’s hand in his and placing a kiss into his palm. Jason’s fingers twitched in his and Howard’s lips quirked up at the corners. The nurse watched him with a knowing smile.
“He’s going to be ok, I promise,” she said gently. “The only reason he’s out of it is the medication – he was talking and conscious when he came in, no signs of a concussion, just in a spot of pain breathing. The doctors wanted to keep an eye on him overnight but I’m sure he’ll come to soon and tell you for himself that all’s well. The doctors will prescribe painkillers tomorrow when they’ve reassessed how he’s doing, but you’d be amazed how much his body will just heal from the rest he’ll get tonight.” Howard smiled at her gratefully.
“Thanks…seriously, thank you. I know it’s daft but…I needed to hear that. Even when I can see he’s fine, I just…he means a lot to me,” Howard explained, looking down shyly. The nurse offered him a sympathetic smile.
“I understand, sweet. I’ve seen it all before in this place. But that one’s a stubborn thing, I think you’ll have a job convincing him anything’s wrong with him at all when he comes round,” she said with a knowing laugh, and Howard grinned.
“Yeah, that sounds like Jay,” he agreed softly, looking back down at Jason and giving his hand a fond squeeze.
“Well, I wouldn’t worry about him. Sleeps with a smile on his face, look. And since I like you two I’ll bend the rules and let you stay late, as long as you promise me you won’t sit up all night with him. He needs his rest and so do you,” the nurse told him, firm but sweet, and Howard glanced up at her with a grin. “Ask for Maria if you need anything.”
“Thank you,” Howard told her, his voice soft and genuine.
“No problem, sweet,” she told him before moving away to return to the nurses’ station.
Howard turned his eyes back to Jason then, his hand moving to brush his cheek. Maria was right; there was a ghost of a soft smile lying across Jason’s sleeping features, his lashes fanned out against his warm skin, his head tipped towards Howard ever so slightly. Howard brushed Jason’s hair gently from his forehead and leant up to press a kiss to his skin, sitting back down and taking his hand once more.
“Hi Jay,” he whispered, smiling distantly. “You really don’t need to work so hard for my attention, you know?” he murmured. “Actually, you’ve had my undivided attention since the day we met.” He stroked the pad of his thumb along the back of Jason’s hand and Jason’s fingers moved almost imperceptibly against his own. Howard didn’t feel the need to say any more. The two of them could talk for hours sometimes, joking and sharing stories, but the silences between them meant just as much. Sometimes when the two of them fell quiet at night, Howard would hold his breath and he could swear he could almost feel it; the low hum that surrounded the two of them when they were together. It was the lightest, and yet the most intense, sensation Howard had ever known; the same feeling as the rustle of covers, sunlight falling across skin, the feel of Jason’s hair against his cheek or that sensation of being half-woken by the distant sound of a car pulling away in the pre-dawn light. Faint and significant.
“When you wake up, I’m going to kiss you,” he told Jason softly. “And then we’re going home. And everything is going to be ok.”
***
Mark stood in the middle of his living room. Outside his window he could see the blurry lights of a Manchester night going by. Were they blurry or was he still crying? He wasn’t sure anymore. He’d cried all the way home and he was amazed his eyes were even still open.
Standing there alone he wondered how Gary Barlow loved. Because he was sure that Gary did love him; they’d been friends for so long and they understood each other with an intimacy that Mark had never understood anyone in his life before. It was there – behind every smile and in every kiss. But he never said it. When Mark Owen loved he loved body, heart and soul. He gave his all for love. It was, perhaps, part of his problem with life; he gave too much and he sometimes didn’t know how to stop and it damaged him more than he let on. But Gary held back so much; too practical for his good, always making plans and assessing risk, favouring logic and practicality. Ironic for a man who dealt in love songs – maybe sometimes, Mark thought, it was the only way Gary really knew how to be that carefree. Music was unfailing and honest and it was where Gary could trust himself to be carefree too – because music had never let him down, but people had. And that was something Mark understood – but how long could he let that be enough of an excuse? He’d been so badly let down in his past. And yet he’d trusted Gary implicitly and without a moment’s doubt. So what did Gary see in him that he feared so much?
***
Gary had been hurt before. His first ever relationship had ended with the girl in question throwing various household items at him, screaming ‘til Gary couldn’t hear her anymore. That hadn’t hurt so much, it’d been his fault. But it had still all ended in tears. His second proper relationship had been with a man who’d sworn to him that he deserved the world. That same man made promises about Gary’s songwriting, led him on, built him up. And then realised he was probably going nowhere, dropped him like a stone when something younger and more likely to succeed had stepped into his eye-line, cheated on Gary and made sure to leave Gary with the impression it was actually just his own fault for forever falling short. No one had promised Gary the world since then. But once he’d met Mark it hadn’t seemed to matter any longer; Mark didn’t promise him the world, Mark simply promised him company and laughter, promised not to judge him for the fact he took his notebook everywhere and to sympathise when he woke up and made a bolt for the nearest keyboard in the middle of the night. And yet all those little, tiny promises made Gary want to promise the world to Mark. But then there was that curl of doubt in his stomach – the one that reminded him that, just because Mark’s promises were small and simple, it didn’t make them mean any less. In fact, they’d come to mean more, to mean everything. And yet they were just as easily taken away as any other promise – people were unpredictable, and everyone had a past.
Especially Mark, apparently. Why didn’t he know more about Robbie? Why didn’t he recognize the look on Mark’s face when he looked at him? Maybe Mark had made promises before and broken them – he was only human, after all. Mark Owen had secrets, places in his head that Gary wasn’t allowed to go; how could he feel like he understood him so well when that was still the case, even after years of friendship? Gary bit his lip. But didn’t he have secrets too? He knew who Mark was, that much he was sure of. Did he really need to know where Mark came from too?
He loved Mark, he really did. That was why this hurt. This hurt more than the books that had hit his chest as he’d backed away from his first screaming ex. It hurt almost as much as the look he’d been given when his music wasn’t as good as that of his slimmer, younger counterpart. God…he was sure it hurt more than being run over by a bloody bus. No; it even hurt more than one of his own pianos landing right on his head. Maybe he’d just made a huge mistake, maybe he’d just thrown away something he could never replace. Because deep down he knew Mark returned every inch of his love. For all his doubts and unanswered questions, Gary was beginning to see that Mark was never dishonest with him about who he was when they were together. In fact, perhaps, to an extent, he had been the dishonest one of the two of them. Self-preservation and perhaps even a certain selfishness kicking in, drawing him back from giving as much as Mark did.
***
Howard wandered listlessly around the apartment; Maria had finally kicked him out two hours after visiting hours had ended, and he’d had no choice but to return home to try and wait out the hours before Jason finally came to. Maria had assured him it would most likely not be until sometime tomorrow, promising that if he woke in the night she would call. And, whilst Howard believed her, not being able to stay with Jason just to be sure he wouldn’t wake up alone was frustrating, and there was too much energy pent up inside him for him to sleep. It was strange but the apartment in which he had felt so at home was suddenly not so appealing any more, the spaces and the silence getting to him in his agitated state. He sat on the sofa with his laptop, trying to concentrate on some work, occasionally stealing glances at his desktop background, letting it calm him – the picture was one he’d taken himself, one of his favourite pictures in the world. Jason’s eyes glittered mischievously as he and Grace pressed kisses onto Howard’s cheeks, and Howard sat in the middle, laughing at them, his whole world captured in one moment.
***
“Gaz and me broke up. I think we did, anyway. It’s complicated.” Mark sighed and pulled his knees up to his chest. “I know it’s daft and I could just tell you when you’re awake and home but…it’s hard to talk about, you know? And there’s a lot of stuff that’s happened that I don’t want to rake over and…well, Howard will probably be here soon anyway and then I’m pretty sure he’s never letting you out of his sight again so…just letting you know. In the only way I know I can.” It was strange but he supposed he looked more fragile than Jason did; wrapped up in winter layers, a light dusting of snow still about his shoulders, dark circles under his eyes, the corners of his lips downturned. “You know, Howard really loves you, Jay. I know you know that but…I know you know how lucky you are. That you know he loves you and he knows you love him and it’s not…it’s complicated for you but it doesn’t feel like it.” Mark swallowed, laughing sadly. “Sorry, now I’m rambling…I’ve tried not having a past for so long I’ve forgotten what it’s like having one. And now everything’s a mess and…I’m glad Howard knows everything about you, Jay. Because I wouldn’t wish all this second-guessing on anybody.” He gave Jason’s arm a soft pat before quickly and quietly slipping away.
***
Jason Orange woke up at precisely twelve minutes past ten on Sunday morning – aching and groggy but otherwise in good spirits. As he slowly opened his eyes and shifted his weight along the pillow he became more alert, several important facts beginning to fall into place in his head; the most pressing of these facts being that Howard Donald was fast sleep on his arm, his dark hair a mess of curls splayed out, ticking his skin. He let out a soft chuckle and closed his eyes for a moment longer, allowing himself a chance to enjoy the peace before dealing with any of the other facts playing on his mind now he was fully conscious once more. He only had a dim recollection of Mark’s voice, but he was acutely aware of how broken it had sounded, and knew Gary well enough to guess at the rest, meaning he had to hurry up and help bang his two friends’ heads together before too much damage was done. And then, of course, there was Howard.
Opening his eyes once more, Jason sighed softly, looking over Howard’s sleeping form with a fond smile. It was unnatural for him to be out of bed at this time on a Sunday, he thought, shaking his head slightly and rolling his eyes.
“Why is it I’m always first up?” he murmured to himself, rolling carefully onto his side – being sure to avoid his damaged ribs – and pushing himself up a little further in the bed. The movement disturbed Howard, who mumbled something sleepily, his head moving slightly against Jason’s arm. “Hey, Lazy Bones, time to get up,” Jason laughed gently, his voice morning-rough and teasing. It was enough to wake Howard properly and he sat up a little, blinking in confusion for a moment before his eyes settled on Jason.
“Jay,” he smiled sleepily, moving to push himself up and pressing a kiss to Jason’s forehead before sitting back down. “Trust you to wake up at prime Sunday lie-in time,” he added fondly, rubbing his eyes and stifling a yawn, though there was a warm smile still on his lips and he took Jason’s hand in his own as he spoke.
“Mm, and a good morning to you too, sunshine,” Jason said with a smirk, squeezing Howard’s hand gently. Howard gazed at him for a moment in silence and Jason’s eyes danced with light, challenging him for a comeback. But Howard couldn’t bring himself to match the challenge for once; this was one of those rare times he was just going to let Jason have his victory and render him speechless. “Long night?” Jason asked quietly after a moment. Howard gave him a lopsided smile.
“Yeah. For all of us I think,” he said through a yawn and Jason nodded slowly.
“So I’ve heard…I think…” Jason frowned slightly. He’d been asleep, or close to it, but he had been listening, the noises around him somehow sinking into his subconscious as he hovered in that strange place between awake and not, the medication slowly easing its grip on him as the night wore on.
“You think?” Howard asked with a confused smile, and Jason shrugged.
“The details are a little fuzzy. But yeah…I was there. Sort of.” Howard’s smile softened and he brought Jason’s hand to his lips once more, pressing a lingering kiss to his skin and closing his eyes a moment. “You need to rest,” Jason told him and Howard opened one eye, looking up at him with amusement and disbelief.
“Says the patient,” he pointed out and Jason pulled a face.
“Says the guy who’s got enough painkillers in his system to have rested for hours.” Jason paused and looked at him thoughtfully. “Says the guy who loves you, if it helps,” he added quietly and Howard smiled.
“Oh it helps.” He sat up then, moving to perch on the bed beside Jason and cupping his cheek in his hand. “I love you, you know that?” he pressed a kiss to his forehead. “And because I love you, I’m gonna bust you out of here, sound good?” he asked into Jason’s hair, and Jason laughed, tipping his head back to meet Howard’s gaze.
“So good,” he agreed and Howard smirked.
“I’ll go find the nurse.” He stood and moved to go, but stopped suddenly and turned back. “Jay?”
“Mm?”
“You know I mean it don’t you?”
“Do you even need to ask?”
“No. No, I really don’t.”
***
By the afternoon Jason had been discharged with strict orders not to do anything which put any strain on his ribcage; he was placid and charming as the doctor spoke to him but pulled faces of protest the minute he was gone, flippant and determined even as he winced slightly pulling on his jumper as they got ready to go. Howard had seen the bruises, had seen the wincing and the slight flinches of pain Jason could hide from others but not him – he noticed everything about Jason, knew every detail of him, every look and every sound. And Jason knew him too, knew when his eyes were on him and knew when to place a calming hand on his arm, press a wordless kiss against his lips.
“Come on,” he said softly, taking Howard’s hand as they left the hospital at last and squeezing it tightly in his own. “Home,” he reminded, firm but quiet, and Howard nodded.
“Home,” he agreed.
Jason’s phone had been found and returned to him and as Howard drove the two of them home Jason browsed through his missed calls and messages, smiling a smile that was both amused and affectionate as he saw the ten missed calls and three texts that were all from Howard the previous day. He leant across, ignoring the slight pain it caused his ribs, and pressed a kiss to Howard’s cheek.
“What happened to laid back Howard Donald, hm?” he joked. Howard looked at him out of the corner of his eyes, his lips curved up.
“He met you,” he pointed out and Jason smiled, sitting back once more.
“Ah, I knew there had to be an explanation.”
Howard had been slightly surprised at how easy it was to fall back into normality, moving around each other as though nothing had ever happened. Sitting on the sofa now he could hear the sound of Jason clearing away the dishes – he’d offered to do it but Jason had given him a sceptical look and the matter had been quickly closed. The TV muttered away to itself as Howard chose instead to watch Jason move around the kitchen. He was hardly looking at what he was doing on his laptop, flicking the odd glance at it but mostly working on keeping Jason in his eyeline, enjoying the way he followed familiar, well-worn paths back and forth across the room. He liked having the movement and sound back, liked the clink of glasses in the sink and the thudding of kitchen cupboards. And all the while that low hum, the air around the two of them buzzing. And then he heard the sound of a glass of water being filled – Jason taking his painkillers – followed by soft footsteps coming over towards him. Jason placed a hand on his shoulder and Howard looked up, smiling into the kiss Jason bent down to press against his lips. When he looked into Jason’s eyes he saw a knowing, tender expression there.
“I’m going to get an early night,” he said, glancing between the blank computer screen and Howard with soft amusement. “Don’t work too hard, love,” he murmured, pressing a kiss against Howard’s forehead before moving off towards their bedroom.
“Sweet dreams,” Howard called after him, glancing behind him. Jason waved his hand vaguely in Howard’s direction, flashing him a quick, sly look over his shoulder.
“Stop watching me walk away, Donald,” he called back brightly and Howard laughed.
“Only when you stop flirting with me, Orange.”
“It’s a stand-off neither one of us will win, then,” Jason said, his voice echoing down the corridor and Howard grinned, shaking his head slightly as he heard the bedroom door close.
He hadn’t stayed up much longer after that. Howard could spend whole nights crashed out on the sofa when he had lived alone but since he’d started spending nights with Jason, his ability to crash out anywhere had almost completely deserted him. He loved falling asleep next to Jason, loved the way Jason would wind around him in his sleep, loved listening to the soft sound of his breathing. He’d learnt all Jason’s habits and knew them by heart – knew how to wake him and how to get his attention, knew how to pull him closer without waking him up and how much he liked to fall asleep with Howard’s heartbeat next to his ear. He had been so good at his solitary life; he remembered times when he’d moved in to past partners’ houses and just how uncomfortable he’d always been, always on edge, waiting to be kicked out of the bed and out of the door soon after. Only a couple of his relationships had ever gotten that far but he still remembered his fear of having to adapt to them, fit into their lives and work around their homes. But somehow his body recognized the patterns in Jason’s home, knew the rhythms and instinctively fit itself into the space.
When he finally slid into bed, he lay awake, watching the rise and fall of Jason’s chest, enjoying the rustle of sheets when he moved and his little sighs into his pillow. Maybe it was because he liked music, but falling asleep to total silence had been next to impossible for him; he liked the reminder and the company. He liked the way those sounds were so seemingly insignificant but also meant everything at the same time – little meaningless moments and fragments of nothing that formed this home like no other home he’d ever had.
Howard wasn’t sure how long he'd lain there, sometimes just listening, other times watching Jason as he slept, before Jason let out a soft sigh and turned over, slowly opening his eyes, his gaze meeting Howard’s immediately. He offered him a small, sleepy smile, his eyes a watery blue in the semi-darkness, the night’s lights reflected in them, glittering there quietly.
“You’re watching me sleep, Howard Donald,” he mumbled, yawning. Howard stretched out a hand to trace the outline of Jason’s face, edging along his pillow so that the two of them were lying closer together.
“Sometimes I just want to see everything. It’s nice. To be all in and know you’re all in too,” he said slowly, and Jason smiled, understanding in his eyes. Silently he held out his hand to Howard and he took the wordless offer with a small, confused frown. Jason held his gaze, taking his hand and placing it flat against his chest, holding it there. Howard could feel his heartbeat beneath his palm and he closed his eyes a moment, focusing on the feeling. When he opened his eyes again, Jason was watching him, eyes still bright and knowing.
“You don’t need to always see it, you know. Sometimes it’s just something you can’t see. But it’s always there, Howard. I promise you. And it’s always yours.”
***
When Howard woke up the next morning, he was alone in the bed, his head half on his own pillow and half on Jason’s. He could feel the sun on his back and he could smell pancakes cooking; it made him laugh, because it was wonderful and absurd and everything that being with Jason was. Slowly he pushed himself up, stretching out before rolling himself out of the bed and heading for the door. He made a beeline for the kitchen, still rubbing the sleep from his eyes and following the sounds of cutlery and glasses being put out and the thuds of the kitchen cupboards as they were opened and closed. The radio was on quietly in the background and, as Howard stopped at the end of the corridor, he watched for a moment as Jason moved around the kitchen with an understated grace, moving in time with the music that was playing without even trying.
When Jason finally stood still for a moment, Howard sensed his opportunity; quietly, he shuffled up behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist and placing a kiss to the back of his neck. Jason smiled as he felt Howard’s touch, his body instinctively leaning into him and letting him pull him close against his chest.
“Morning,” Howard murmured as Jason tipped his head slightly to look up at him with a smile.
“Morning,” he murmured back, closing his eyes for a moment and letting Howard kiss the side of his face. His smile widened and Howard pulled him closer still, resting his chin on his shoulder.
“Any reason why we’re having pancakes?” he asked curiously, letting Jason resume his cooking but not releasing him from his hold. Jason chuckled looking up at him from the corner of his eye, eyebrow arched.
“What makes you think you’re getting any?” he teased, laughing when Howard simply grinned at him shamelessly before pressing a kiss into his shoulder.
“Lucky guess,” he mumbled against Jason’s skin. Jason nodded, biting back a chuckle.
“Mm, and a healthy ego,” he remarked, elbowing Howard lightly. His eyes were shining and Howard looked into his face with a quiet grin. They held the look for a moment before Jason slowly turned back to what he was doing, a distant looking coming over his face. “You know, when I was a kid, the Orange family go-to was pancakes. Bad days at school, exams, scraped knees, fighting boys – our mum would always make us pancakes. For breakfast or dinner, depending how bad things got. After my dad left things just went to pieces for a while, you know? There was always one of us causing chaos, kicking off. One day there was all hell breaking lose…I can’t remember why exactly. Something to do with Justin I think. Anyway, everyone’s shouting, the whole house is a mess. And mum just stops telling us all off, turns around and heads for the kitchen. Simon and me helped her make pancakes and for the first time in weeks every single one of us sat down together for dinner and nobody lost their tempers with anybody. It was nice. It’s just become one of those weird things now where…it just instantly makes things seem normal again, you know?” Howard looked at Jason thoughtfully, understanding and fondness mingling on his face. Silently he pulled Jason a little closer and pressed a kiss to his temple.
“And did you need things to seem a little more normal today?” he asked gently, touching a hand to Jason’s chin. Jason met his eyes and smiled softly.
“No. But you did,” he said honestly, he gave a slight shrug and reached up to press a brief kiss to Howard’s lips before turning back to what he was doing. Howard stood, dazed, for a moment, a lopsided smile on his face. He kissed Jason’s shoulder again, burying his face in the crook of his neck.
“You’re amazing, you know that?” he mumbled against Jason’s skin, and Jason turned, forcing him to look up and meet his gaze.
“Hmm, you know, actually someone tall dark and handsome said that to me once,” he remarked brightly, eyes sparkling with mischief. He stole another quick kiss from Howard then leant back and arched an eyebrow. “You haven’t seen him, have you?” he asked and Howard laughed, stepping back and wagging his finger at Jason jokingly.
“Oi, watch it, you!” he said, and Jason pulled a face of feigned innocence, making Howard’s grin widen. “You’re just lucky I love you,” he added, moving over to sit at the breakfast bar. Jason turned around and leant against the counter, folding his arms and looking Howard thoughtfully, eyes twinkling.
“I know I am,” he said at least and Howard smiled. “And I love you too, you know? And that’s how this works,” Jason added with a shrug, his mouth turning up at the corners briefly before he turned back to dish up their pancakes.
***
“Jay!” Mark Owen’s voice was bright and crackling as he answered the phone and Jason couldn’t help but smile at the sound. “Feeling better?” Mark asked, a smile coming to his own face for the first time in hours.
“Mm…yeah…I’m…feeling good…” Jason replied, moving his neck obligingly as Howard placed a series of kisses along his collar bone up towards his jaw. He looked at Howard out of the corner of his eye, half-heartedly warning him off, but Howard just grinned and leant in for another kiss. Jason put up no resistance.
“Jay, what are you doing?” Mark asked suspiciously, moving his phone to his other ear.
“I’m sitting on a sofa. But that’s really not the – mm – point,” Jason protested, letting Howard pull him closer as he pressed even more kisses across his jaw-line. Jason bit back a laugh and pushed Howard off him, but Howard simply grinned, offering out his hand. Jason took it with an amused smile and Howard set about playing with their intertwined fingers, kissing the back of Jason’s hand once and studying his face with a quiet smile.
“Is Howard there?” Mark was asking, rolling his eyes as he heard Jason let out a low chuckle that he knew could only be caused by Howard Donald.
“Not the point, mate,” Jason deflected gently. “Is Gaz with you or are you two still engaged in a Mexican stand-off?” he asked, his voice warm and affectionate. Mark groaned; he wasn’t fooled by the gentle tone, he knew that Jason Orange would not let him avoid the question no matter how much he wanted to
“Oh, come on, Jay. You know how stubborn he is.” Mark huffed out a breath. “And anyway, I’m not sure it even matters any more. Some things just aren’t meant to be, you know?” Jason narrowed his eyes at that, resting his head on Howard’s shoulder and letting out a long sigh.
“You know what I’ve never understood about you and Gaz?” he said. “You both feel so much about so many things and you’re both more than happy to pour all those feelings into your songs and sing them to total strangers. But when it comes to just words, just talking to the other person and simply dealing with the problem…the both of you seize up. I’ve seen you standing on street corners busking more honestly than when you talk to Gaz. Why is that? Why are you so scared of him throwing those songs back in your face if you tell them they’re all for him?”
“Jay-”
“No, I’m serious, Mark. If he doesn’t want to know you, know your stories, know everything you have to say…then I don’t think that’s really a relationship you want to be in, you know? And the two of you should get out now if that’s true. But if it’s not…” Jason shrugged. By his side Howard was smiling, still playing with their intertwined hands idly, and Jason caught his eyes for a moment, giving him a quick wink.
“Jay, it’s not that simple, ok? I don’t think any of it even matters, you know. Gary Barlow doesn’t want to love anybody, and I’m pretty sure he’d rather avoid the complication of being loved too, really. You can’t force someone to change their whole mind-set overnight.” Mark rubbed a hand over his face, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, and on the other end of the line Jason sighed, frustration and understanding fighting for dominance as he thought over Mark’s words.
“It doesn’t have to happen overnight, Markie,” he said at last, his voice soft. He felt Howard’s eyes on him and he glanced back at him with a knowing smile. “I think you’re wrong about Gaz. I think he actually wants to be loved more than anything else in the world. He’s just scared of having something that he wanted that badly, getting that experience and then having it taken away – it’s happened to him before, you know. With different dreams but the same consequences. He’s cautious and you’re headfirst and it’s always been that way with the two of you. But you balance each other out, you know? The only people who don’t see it are you and him.” Jason shrugged. “You both have your faults – the problem is you each start from this place of looking at the other like he’s perfect. And it’s not that simple; life isn’t always like a love song, ok?” Howard pressed a kiss to Jason’s temple.
“Shut up, you know I’m perfect,” he mumbled into Jason’s hair and Jason smirked, covering the phone as he swotted Howard away half-heartedly.
“Come on, Jay. Don’t worry about this – you’ve got Howard to worry about. I’m pretty sure his idea of fun isn’t spending the day watching you make phone calls, you know. Just look after yourself for a change. You and Howard are the ones made for each other, so go make the most of that and maybe I’ll come round tomorrow and we can talk about anything else but this, ok?” Mark closed his eyes and held his breath, hoping that for once in his life Jason Orange would just give in. And, to his surprise, Jason sighed – long and heavy and despondent.
“Ok,” he said at last. “But before I let you go: are you out busking today?” Mark frowned slightly, wondering how Jason had guessed and, more importantly, why he cared.
“Yeah. Sundays are quiet but it’s nice around the city centre, you know? Don’t make much but I get to try out new songs. Why do you want to know?”
“Just curious,” Jason dismissed. “Look after yourself too, ok?”
“Ok, Jay. See you around.”
As Jason hung up, Howard regarded him curiously, wondering what he was working on in that head of his; he recognised the slight frown and knew it meant Jason was trying to unpick something in his head.
“No luck I take it?” he asked, brushing away some of the hair that fell across Jason’s forehead. Jason looked over at him and smiled wryly
“Not with him. But there’s two of them, remember. And Gary Barlow is a lot more straightforward: you draw him a map and he tends to get the picture pretty quickly,” he said and Howard chuckled, leaning over to press a kiss to Jason’s lips before leaning back and looking into his eyes with a grin.
“You’re sexy when you’re plotting.”
***
Gary watched Mark from a distance at first, memories of the first time he’d ever seen him flooding back. It was terrifying, and he still wasn’t sure his nerves were steady enough for it, but even before Jason’s call he had been starting to think that maybe the he was making things worse for himself by standing still than if he just took his courage in his hands and leapt; it was that old cliché – you never know unless you try. And maybe he and Mark were both to blame in way, maybe both of them had held parts of themselves back and let too many things go unsaid. But the mess they were in now was all him, he was sure of that much. It was his lack of trust and his lack of honesty and his lack of taking action that had made Mark think he didn’t want to love him – he had made giving up seem like the only option and it had only been when Jason had pointed out how close he was to losing Mark’s friendship as well as their relationship that Gary had really been able to see, truly, how much he did want to be with Mark, to get to a place with Mark where they could be sure of each other like they were sure of no one else. And maybe it wouldn’t happen quickly and maybe it would take a lifetime of working out their issues, giving each other little pieces of their stories. But Gary wanted it, more than anything. The thought of losing the chance to even try scared him – but seeing Mark again now scared him too. He was so gorgeous, after all. Unusual and charming, all jerky movements and little hops and skips, round, bright eyes and a roughness to his voice as he sang. His hair flopped across his face and there was a crack of emotion in his voice. This was one of Mark’s favourite busking spots – he liked the way it caught the sunshine even in winter, and although not many people passed through, the ones who did were usually more inclined to stop and listen than those in the busier parts of town.
As Mark came to the end of his song with a dramatic flourish, spinning on his heel for effect, Gary took a deep breath, gathering his courage in his hands. He was standing a little way back, just behind where Mark had been playing, but now he stepped closer, swallowing a lump in his throat before he spoke.
“Beautiful.” Mark stilled immediately, that voice too achingly familiar for him not to look but the hurt of the past day still fresh and raw. Chewing nervously on his lip, Mark slowly set his guitar down and turned around, bringing his eyes up to look at Gary. He was surprised to see that Gary looked almost as exhausted as he felt, something in his blue eyes earnest and apologetic. “Hi,” he murmured and Mark smiled sadly.
“Hi.” They stood staring at each other for a moment. Mark fiddled with his sleeves and Gary let out a heavy sigh, running his hands over his face.
“Mark…” Gary faltered, frowning slightly at his own inability to form the words he needed. “Look, I’m an idiot, ok?” he said slowly. “I can get pretty self-involved sometimes. I don’t mean to I just…sometimes I forget to say what I’m really feeling because it seems like it might be easier to just…deal with it by myself. To just hope that things will work themselves out and I won’t have to risk putting myself too far out there. Because I did that once – put myself out there, took a risk on someone I probably shouldn’t have. And it nearly killed me.” Gary shook his head. “It’s not an excuse for how I treated you back at the hospital. I just…I freaked out because seeing you and him even just talking to each other it was just…it was a reminder that there is so much of your life you never talk about with me. And a lot of my life I don’t talk about with you. It was like being forced to make a decision then and there about how much I’m willing to share with you and it felt…scary. I guess I forget that there are other alternatives to standing still other than running blind. And I would love to just…walk forward with you, Marko. Just walking with you would be enough. And I think maybe if we start there we might start to figure the rest out eventually.” Gary’s eyes were on the floor, but he looked up then, slowly, nervously, meeting Mark’s gaze. “I don’t want to end this here, Marko.” He shrugged. “I want you back. Back for good.” Mark couldn’t help giving Gary a half smile for that.
“Aren’t you going to get your notebook out for that one, Barlow? Sounds like a winning hook to me,” he said quietly. Gary laughed.
“For you? Music can wait a while. Besides I…I honestly don’t think there is anyone who has inspired me more than you. If it wasn’t for you I don’t…some of my best songs are because of you or about you. Written with you. I think you should probably know that, before you decide whether or not to give us another go.” Mark nodded, looking down with a shy grin.
“It’s funny, you know? Most of my songs are about you too. Or because of you. You make me a better writer, I think. I would’ve given up on my music if it wasn’t for you, probably.” He looked back up and met Gary’s gaze, and Gary took a tentative step closer.
“So what do you say, Marko? Is there hope for us yet?” Mark laughed and held out his hand.
“I’m willing if you are, Barlow,” he replied. Gary couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face then, and he took Mark’s hand, pulling him roughly towards him. Mark was laughing again and Gary laughed too, pulling him in for a kiss. Mark reached up instinctively, taking Gary’s face in his hands and, when they finally pulled apart, Gary smiled down at him. Their foreheads were rested together, and Mark could feel Gary’s fingers buried in his hair.
“I love you, you know,” Gary murmured and Mark looked up at him with round, hopeful eyes.
“Say it again,” he whispered and Gary laughed, pulling him in for one more kiss.
“I love you. And your Pick N Mix kisses,” he said against Mark’s lips.
“Sherbet actually…but I love you too,” Mark replied.
Jason’s apartment – their apartment as of two months ago – was a modern, bright development on the top floor of the building, a suntrap of a place with its large windows and clean, open-plan design. The brushed metal and polished wood fixtures and fittings and white walls could have left the place feeling cold and empty, but Jason had made the place feel warm and quirky with his personal touches, items which should have been mismatched, furniture, ornaments and photograph frames somehow fitting together in a way that was interesting and homely, spaces for some of Howard’s only belongings also having been found to add to the splashes of colour and pattern that made the place so unmistakably theirs. Jason’s small desk area was overcrowded with pen pots and photographs, his guitar was sitting next to the stereo, a throw cover which Mark had given him was folded over the back of the sofa. But one of Grace’s paintings was up on the fridge, a jointly-chosen selection of framed pictures and posters lined the corridor, it was Howard’s stereo which propped up Jason’s guitar, and somehow – somehow – it worked.
As he padded out into the main space – a spacious lounge divided from the kitchen only by a breakfast bar with high, smart stools – Howard glanced around hopefully, looking for any sign that Jason might breeze out and flash him one of those half-amused smiles he always gave Howard when his hair was sleep-mussed and his eyes still half-closed. But – as Howard had suspected when he’d woken up – Jason was clearly long gone, only the sunlight lighting the stillness and silence. The whole apartment had been tidied since last night, all evidence of their jointly-home-cooked dinner hidden away in the dishwasher and the cushions on the sofa plumped and fluffed, though Howard’s laptop still sat on the coffee table, untouched.
Howard liked this apartment; he liked the way it caught the light and the way it felt to be here in the mornings, he liked the way it felt like home to him in a way nowhere had before. He used to hate moving, hated the feeling of not belonging that usually came along with it. But from the moment he’d met Jason, he’d come to realise what feeling comfortable – feeling at home and wanted – really was. Jason had, in a few brief smiles, given him a place where he felt understood, trusted, and as long as he had that he was home. But the apartment had its own charms, and Howard had felt he had a place there for a long time now, had come to think of a side of the bed as his own, a spot on the sofa, a space at the breakfast bar – and Jason had silently accepted these spaces as being his too, seamlessly, their only conflicts really coming over Howard’s tendency to leave everything he touched lying around. Still, Jason had cleared Howard spaces in almost all the cupboards, bought in all of Howard’s favourite foods (mostly junk food, to both Jason’s disgust and Howard's amusement) and he had even made a deal with Grace to turn his spare room into her room for when she stayed with them at the weekends. Howard knew it made him a soppy so-and-so but he’d felt tears in his eyes watching the two of them make their mock-serious negotiations, Grace’s little face scrunched up in determination and Jason’s blue eyes wide and sparkling as he’d nodded solemnly in response to Grace’s demands. Howard wasn’t sure he’d ever met anyone so ready to accept all of his life before, so ok with the mess that it was and the complications that came of him having a daughter. But Jason had always been willing to stretch his arms as wide as was needed; he was one of the only people Howard had ever met who didn’t think of Grace as being a separate issue to their relationship, instead seeing her as the extension of Howard that she was and treating her with all the same love and respect because of it. It was probably a sign that this really was the relationship Howard should be in, but even so Howard was grateful for it, relieved that this man who made his heart turn over when he laughed at his jokes was also the man who would listen intently to a tiny, bossy girl’s wall colour demands like she was a world-renowned interior decorator he’d hired. After all, Howard and his daughter were a package deal, and if Jason hadn’t accepted that then, with extreme reluctance, Howard would have had to walk away. He adored his daughter, worshipped the ground she walked on. Jason, unlike most people Howard had dated previously, hadn’t even needed to be told this. It was Jason who had taken the initiative to silently invite Grace into their relationship and Howard had been both amazed and grateful. In fact, Jason and Grace were now quite a force to be reckoned with – they got on famously and between the two of them they could bend Howard to their every whim in mere seconds. It would’ve been frightening, if it didn’t make him smile so much.
Howard headed for the kitchen, smirking as he noticed the lengthy note which had been left for him on the fridge. Carefully he released it from the magnet which had been holding it in place and leant back against the counter to read it. Had to go early – Oliver bailed last minute and now I’m the lucky brother chosen to help Justin move house. I tried to wake you but you wouldn’t budge and I didn’t have the heart to try again. I’ve made you a bacon butty if you’re hungry, there’s HP in the cupboard but I only just cleaned the kitchen this morning so I will know if you get any anywhere!! Be good and don’t forget you have to pick Grace up from Izzy’s at three. See you later, Lazy Bones! Love you – Jay x
Howard had wolfed his butty down and showered in record time, keen to get up and get going. He had to talk to someone about a possible new, regular DJ spot, and Grace would not be impressed if he was late picking her up from Izzy’s, so he knew he needed to get a move on if he wanted to fit it all in and still have time to hunt down Jason and spend some time with him before the day was over. As he towelled his hair dry he retrieved his phone from the floor of the bedroom, wanting to call Jason to find out what time he thought he might be free from moving duties, but Jason didn’t pick up so Howard fired off a quick text to him instead before quickly pulling on a t-shirt, grabbing his keys from the bedside table and heading out for the day.
***
Gary sighed as he turned the shop sign around from ‘Closed’ to ‘Open’ and he wondered to himself, briefly, if it would really make all that much difference. Oldham Street had been quiet these past few weeks and he couldn’t quite remember the last time the shop had actually sold anything. He was glad of the peace if he was honest, though he was reluctant to look at his latest bank statement for fear it would shatter the illusion very quickly. He shook off the thought and set about getting the shop ready for the day, straightening the instruments as he passed them before shrugging off his jacket and glancing around the room. He realised that there was a growing number of mugs left scattered amidst the musical paraphernalia – he’d given Jason the week off and Mark had been filling in, doing an excellent job of chatting to the few customers who did stop by, but not paying quite the same amount of attention to detail as Jason always did. Still, he was willing to work for free, so Gary didn’t complain. Mark’s touch around the place was unique; he still made the tea and he still scattered the dust with his fits of giggles, but he didn’t see tidying as a priority, Gary thought with a smile.
Unlike Jason and Howard, Mark and Gary had been reluctant to label their relationship – something that didn’t go unnoticed amongst the four men, even if no one commented on it overtly. It was hard not to compare, since Howard’s arrival in their shop had been the catalyst for both relationships, in many ways, and Gary was sure that, on some level, he and Mark both instinctively studied Jason and Howard’s relationship with curiosity, because as happy as they were for Jason, they were also fascinated by the change in him since Howard had come along. Gary had watched as Howard was invited into more and more aspects of Jason’s life, as he had been brought closer and closer in until he clearly knew things no one else knew, shared looks with Jason no one else could understand and made him laugh when no one else could. Jason had always been so guarded, and it was startling – in the best of ways – to Gary to see his walls come down, to the point where he was even starting to be more open with Mark and Gary too, though they were still aware that no one saw as much as Howard did. In the past, though, Gary knew, Jason had a tendency to keep himself at a distance even with his own family, always trying to seem like his head was further above water than it was, always very careful to keep himself from letting the cracks show in front of his brothers, never wanting them to see too much of his weaker side, Gary guessed out of a sense of duty to them, being as he was the second eldest. And from what he knew of Jason’s past, Jason’s dad leaving when they were young had been something that had put a whole different level of responsibility on the older boys’ heads – though that was as far as Jason had been willing to go when talking to Gary about that time in his life. But then suddenly there was Howard. Howard who had been told all of the story of Jason’s family, including the parts even Jason’s brothers weren’t allowed to know; Gary didn’t know that for sure, but he guessed, had managed to glean a certain idea from things both Howard and Jason had said. It was significant, Gary knew; Jason had exposed himself to risk, to vulnerability, by sharing with Howard the soft underbelly no one else was allowed to know. He had allowed someone to be stronger than him for the first time in his life. To see someone so very guarded become so suddenly changed, someone who had always been so tense start to smile more and trust more and let the light dance in his eyes in a whole new way was peculiar for Gary, because he had always thought of himself as much less complicated than Jason, and yet when it came to Mark, he couldn’t bring himself to simply surrender the way Jason had with Howard. Although he never said anything, Gary knew that Mark thought about it too, he was sure that he sometimes watched Howard and Jason with a certain longing in his eyes. It wasn’t that Howard and Jason found everything easy, it wasn’t that they never fought or held back or got things wrong, but their attitude towards the possibility of these setbacks was fearless and they were somehow both relaxed and serious about their commitment to one another. Jason had all but adopted Howard’s daughter, whilst Howard had survived the melee that was the Orange family household on a weekend, and even more impressive, he even seemed to have enjoyed himself. There was determination in everything they did, a stubborn refusal to let any one problem become more important than the connection they felt when they were together. Unlike most other people, Mark and Gary hadn’t been entirely surprised when Jason had asked Howard to move in; as Jason’s closest friends, they saw more than most and they saw the change in him and where it had come from. But they could see why people who weren’t so close to Howard and Jason’s relationship might be surprised; Jason’s apartment had always been his haven, his safest and most guarded place. But now that safety came from Howard, so what better place for Howard than the haven Jason had needed before he knew him.
It hadn’t gone unnoticed; the final of Jason’s carefully created boundaries crumbling, another landmark in his and Howard’s relationship effectively marked whilst Mark and Gary stood still, watching on the sidelines, together but going nowhere. Mark had made small hints in the time since Jason told them (with a casual, offhand comment and a smile he thought Gary and Mark didn’t see) but nothing Mark had said had been to any avail. Gary wasn’t sure, but he couldn’t help but feel the attempts had been half-hearted anyway, as if he’d known before he’d even said the words that the hints, though they would not be missed, would go ignored. Gary hated causing him any disappointment, hated to see the slight spark of hurt in his eyes and the unasked questions in his face. But it begged the question why, if Mark was so sure of their relationship, was he not willing to be the one to say the words, to put those doubts and hopes out there to be discussed, to be worked on. Gary had always felt so awkward with relationships, never knowing when to say something, change something, always feeling like the clueless so-and-so stumbling around and putting his foot in things. But then, including his relationship with Mark, he’d only ever had three truly meaningful romances in his entire life and the first two had both ended in disaster – it wasn’t a great track record and it had made him wonder if the problem was him. And he didn’t want to burden Mark with that, was sure Mark could do better with his sunny smile and his genuine soul. So he continued to ignore the hints, and Mark cheered himself up by buying an industrial-size bag of Haribo, both of them playing along with the idea that they were both surer of where they stood than they actually were. It went on that way: Gary told him he’d rot his teeth with all those sweets, Mark bought him popcorn and told him to be quiet. They both resigned themselves to trips to the dentist after that, but they still didn’t move in together. Jason wasn’t one to judge, certainly wasn’t the type to think he had his life figured out and judge others for how they figured out theirs. But he wasn’t a fool, he could sense the uneasiness and, no doubt, from where he stood, with his surprisingly steady romance and is new-found surety, he must’ve despaired of the pair of them.
Sighing, Gary picked up a mug, realising that when Jason came back next week he would probably be horrified at the state of the shop if nothing was done soon. He stifled a yawn and looked around at what needed to be straightened out with a glum expression, longing for a distraction. And, to his relief, distraction came almost immediately, the sound of the shop’s bell startling him from his stupor and causing him to turn around just in time to see Mark come bouncing in through the door. His hair was ruffled and there were snowflakes nestling about his scarf; the sun was high in the sky but a light snowfall was just starting to come down and Mark had clearly made no effort to avoid the sudden flurry. Gary could only smile when he saw him – all wide-eyed and gleeful, scarf at a jaunty angle and his smile bright and genuine. Gary had already had to help make three snowmen with Mark so far this week, the unexpectedly late snowfall bringing out his inner child; Mark loved to be busy and always moving, always needing a distraction or a project, there was an urge in him to create things and a strange, bewildered innocence that seemed to hide his past and his pains, protecting him from it until such a time that he could create whatever it was he needed to process everything. And the more Gary disappointed him, the more frenzied Mark became, the more projects he sought out, the more determinedly cheerful he was. Gary knew he should be honest with him, knew he was probably hurting him more by not just explaining his anxieties, was probably creating anxieties for Mark and messing them both up for good. But he was awkward with honesty – yet another difference between him and Jason. Not that Gary was a liar or a cheat – he was as good and honest as they come in that sense. It was the more awkward honesties of life he struggled with; the real, raw pains and the prickles and the uncomfortable silences in between. As far as he was concerned, that brand of honesty could hurt too much – the one full of stories from the past that he’d rather were kept there, the one full of emotions still too ugly to really accept as having ever been his. As guarded as he was, with those he really cared about, Jason would be honest. He perhaps wouldn’t tell the stories or the full extent of the feelings, but he would admit to them being there, wouldn’t plough on blindly barely scratching the surface, instead simply taking himself off to be alone for a while and asking people to try to understand. He thought it was probably what he owed his fellow human beings; to know how he was, who he truly was as a person. But Gary thought he owed his fellow human beings more simple lives than that.
As Mark shut the door behind him, Gary put down the mug and abandoned the clean-up effort, turning to face Mark as he bounded up to him and pressed a carefree kiss onto his lips. Gary could feel the curve of his smile pressed against him and it made him smile too. He enjoyed the sugary taste of Mark’s kisses.
“Mm, your kisses taste like sherbet,” he said, brushing a soft finger against Mark’s cheek.
“Pick N Mix actually…but close,” Mark grinned sweetly, standing on tiptoe to give him another quick peck and then quickly spinning away to remove his scarf, hanging it over a saxophone before spinning back around, all but skipping closer, throwing his arms around Gary’s neck in an exuberant, affectionate gesture. Gary studied Mark’s gentle face, leaning their foreheads together with an adoring smile before closing the remaining distance between them and going in for another, deeper kiss.
“Morning, by the way,” Gary murmured jokingly against Mark’s lips, and Mark laughed so brightly it was almost musical, the sound rough and warm against Gary’s bones.
“I could get used to that kind of a welcome,” he said, arching an eyebrow, and for a moment they simply stood together, eyes locked. Gary came close to putting back the ‘Closed’ sign, but couldn’t quite bring himself to actually move and break the embrace. After a moment, he pulled a face and leant their foreheads back together.
“Now come on you, get to work!” he teased, and Mark laughed again, giving him a small shove. Gary gave Mark’s rear a quick slap as he moved away and Mark stuck his tongue out in response, twirling away once more and scooping up his scarf, throwing it at Gary’s face with another bright, delighted laugh.
Eventually, Gary managed to clear the mugs away and get the morning’s tea made and it wasn’t too long before he and Mark found themselves perched on the staircase in their usual spots, waiting for any sign of customers brave enough to come out on such a brisk, icy day. Gary nursed his tea and talked about stuff and nonsense whilst Mark popped Pick N Mix in his mouth at regular intervals and told stories from his shifts at the cafe. They were so wrapped up in their conversation that Mark jumped dramatically when the sound of the bell interrupted the peace and some of his Pick N Mix was sent flying, plopping straight into Gary’s tea. Mark tried not to giggle as Gary crinkled his nose in disgust before they both looked up in unison to see who it was at the door. And, to their surprise (though still less surprising than if it had been an actual customer) it was Howard who stood there, his expressive face set in a worried frown, his brow knitted and his bold blue eyes unusually serious.
“Have either of you two seen Jay?” he asked, burying his hands in his pockets and coming further into the shop. Gary frowned and Mark too seemed confused; there was a note of worry in Howard’s voice that set them both on edge and they couldn’t explain why.
“Sorry, Howard, no sign. Honestly, I thought he was still breaking in his new roommate,” Gary shrugged after a moment, fishing out the fizzy cola bottle from his tea with mild disgust.
“What’s wrong, can’t you reach him?” Mark asked gently, and Howard shook his head.
“No, he’s not answering his phone. Which is nothing new for Jay but…I dunno, even Jay would usually answer by the fourth call, you know?” Howard sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. “He left the apartment before I woke up today, had to help his brother move but I don’t know the address. Once I’d got my meetings out the way and picked up Grace I had to go back across town to drop her off with her mum and it took an age, so I just assumed he’d be home when I got back. I’ve tried calling him again since but it just rings out – I only tried here because he mentioned he’d left his phone charger here the other day so I thought he might’ve stopped by for it.” Howard bit the inside of his cheek, his frown deepening. “It’s just so not like Jay to disappear without telling someone, you know? And I’m starting to worry to be honest with you. Has he really not stopped by at all?” Gary shook his head apologetically, understanding Howard’s concern. It really wasn’t like Jason to skip out on people, but then moving took a long time and it was possible things had been more complicated at his brother’s than he’d thought they’d be. Gary shrugged awkwardly.
“Sorry mate,” he said, and beside him Mark shrugged too, looking like he felt guilty for not being able to give Howard better news.
“It was a long-shot…I just hope he’s ok,” Howard said tensely.
“Come on, we don’t know he’s not just run into someone or something yet. He might’ve met a record executive and be telling him all about us for all you know – I read a story about a band who got signed that way, it was beautiful. Hey, this could be the greatest day of our lives and you’re just worrying over nothing, eh?” Mark offered, his optimism not reaching his eyes. Gary blinked at him for a moment, eyes bright and beady.
“That’s brilliant, you know. As a sentiment; this could be it, this could be the greatest day. I’m getting the notebook for that one…” he began and Mark elbowed him, giving him a pointed look and nodding his head, unsubtly, in Howard’s direction.
“Can we write a song about it later, please? I’m seriously worried right now,” Howard sighed, and Gary looked at his hands, feeling slightly ashamed of himself. He couldn’t help that his mind was almost constantly writing a song.
Suddenly the shop’s phone rang, making all three men jump. The shop phone hardly ever rang. It was in the piano room, mounted on the wall behind the chair, and Gary hadn’t been entirely sure it was even still connected, given that he couldn’t remember the last time he received a phone bill for the shop. For a moment the three men stared in the phone’s direction before all quickly scrambling to their feet, Mark and Gary descending the stairs with a clatter and hopping down the step into the piano room just behind Howard, who reached the phone in two short strides.
“Hello, Barlow’s,” he answered quickly, Mark and Gary looking on curiously.
“Oh, Howard! Great, I was hoping to find you. I’ve been trying to reach you! It’s Justin,” came the reply. Howard’s heart was in his mouth and the look on his face instantly brought Mark and Gary to his side.
“Who is it?” Mark whispered, but Howard wasn’t looking at him, his stare suddenly very intense as he gripped the phone a little tighter.
“Is Jay ok?” Howard asked, knowing that the question was probably redundant if his brother had gone to the trouble of calling the shop to try and find him.
“Look, don’t panic, ok? I would’ve called earlier but I only have the number for the apartment and the shop and I don’t know where Jay left his mobile. But Jay’s fine, I swear, it’s just…there was an accident earlier. Some idiot removal man almost crushed our Jay under some furniture. Seriously, though, he is fine. I mean, not fine fine but…he’s pretty much ok, he’s just going to really feel it in the morning. They’ve got him on some heavy painkillers though, apparently, and they want to keep him in overnight whilst he sleeps it off. I’m sorry to dump this on you this way but I knew you’d go crazy with worry if he didn’t come home,” Justin explained as calmly as he could, and his calmness eased the knot in Howard’s chest a little, though his heart still thumped against his ribcage, the thought of anything, however small, happening to Jason just that bit too much for him to process so quickly.
“Which hospital are you at?” Howard asked, his voice sounding strangely foreign and distant to his own ears, though it was calm and quick all the same. His words startled Mark and Gary and they both looked at him imploringly for answers, matching worried expressions on their faces.
“The Royal – it’s not too far from you. Look, I feel awful leaving him but I really have to get going soon before my mate has to go home – the movers are still at the house and he’s trying to sort it on his own but I can’t just leave him there or he’ll be late for his job. I feel like the worst brother in the world but…Jay would probably rather see you than me anyway, and I really don’t want him to wake up having been skipped out on – you can make it down here, right?”
“Of course, I’ll be there in about twenty minutes,” Howard said, exchanging phone numbers, thank yous and goodbyes briskly before hanging up and heading straight for the door.
“Not so fast, Donald. We’re coming with you,” Mark protested, chasing after him and grabbing his scarf and coat along the way. “What’s even happened anyway?” Howard looked back over his shoulder at them, a mixture of worry and gratitude on his face.
“Jay’s been scraped up by some removal guy not looking where he was going. That was Justin on the phone,” he explained and Gary looked alarmed.
“Blimey. Ok, you go ahead, Howard. I’ll just grab my keys and we’ll see you at the hospital, ok?” he said, and Howard gave him a curt nod.
“It’s the Royal. I’ll see you there.” Mark grabbed his arm and gave it a squeeze.
“Drive safe, How. And cheer up, Jay’s indestructable, you know?” Howard smiled down at Mark gratefully, giving him a small nod of agreement.
“I know. But I won’t be ok ‘til I see him,” he replied softly before turning and heading out of the shop.
***
By the time they arrived at the hospital, Justin had already had to leave, though he’d sent Howard a text to tell him where to go to find Jason. Still, in order to get in to see him, Howard was forced to track down the nurses’ station, navigating the maze of corridors at the hospital with determination, his frown still firmly set as he chewed the inside of his cheek. Gary followed behind him, tugging Mark gently by the hand, the two of them staying quiet and watching Howard with concern, knowing how tense the waiting was making him. Mark was subdued, his eyes clouded and serious in a way they always were when he was fretting, and Gary gave his hand a comforting squeeze. He knew Mark was close to Jason; the two of them could squabble over anything but still Gary suspected Jason knew more about his and Mark’s relationship than he would ever let on, because he was always Mark’s first phone call when things got tough. Gary looked at him caringly, bringing their clasped hands to his lips and pressing a tender kiss against the back of Mark’s hand. Mark smiled at him softly.
“I love you,” he murmured, looking Gary in the eye. Gary’s heart stuttered slightly in its rhythm and as much as he wanted to tell Mark what he wanted to hear, all he could muster was a smile, kissing him on the nose before turning and searching for where Howard had gone, finally spotting him already over by the nurses’ station and going over to join him, pulling Mark along behind him.
“His name is Jason Orange…he came in this afternoon? His brother – Justin – he said he was here?” Howard leant against the desk and took a deep breath, calming himself down. “Look, can I please just see him?” Howard was asking as they came to stand by him and Gary patted his shoulder sympathetically. He glanced over at him and gave him a tight smile before looking imploringly back at the nurse.
“I’m sorry, we’re only really allowed to let family see him right now – he’s on some pretty heavy medication, so he’s out of it. Until he can ok you to come see him…” the nurse sighed, seeming genuinely apologetic as she shrugged helplessly.
“I’m his partner – his brother said it was ok,” Howard was quick to protest and the nurse wavered slightly. She was about to say something when she noticed Mark and Gary hovering nervously behind Howard. She looked at them enquiringly and Gary felt suddenly stricken.
“We’re his…brothers. His other brothers, I mean…we’re his other brothers,” Gary said falteringly, quickly unclasping Mark’s hand and flashing an awkward smile as the nurse arched an eyebrow at him. Mark simply rolled his eyes, taking Gary’s hand back into his own and smiling winningly.
“He means I’m his brother – he’s the brother in law…my husband, you see. Still getting used to being part of the family. But this guy…” Mark gestured at Howard and the nurse smiled in amusement. “He’s ok. We promise,” Mark nodded. Even Howard managed a smile and he looked at the nurse hopefully. He could tell she wasn’t fooled, but her smile was kind and she nodded slowly, looking down at something on her computer screen before meeting Howard’s eyes once more.
“Ok then, Orange family. Lucky for you his brother – his other brother – did mention something to us earlier about a partner. And if you can vouch for these two then they can stick around too,” she conceded kindly. Howard felt his tense shoulders sag a little in relief. “But I will have to warn my supervisor first,” she smirked, disappearing quickly. Howard leant against the desk and savoured the moment of relief. He still desperately needed to see Jason, but everything seemed somehow more manageable now.
“Oh shit.” Howard looked up in surprise at Mark’s sudden exclamation, turning to look at him with eyebrows raised. Mark was staring at someone across the room from them, seeming to shrink back into himself, and Gary and Howard exchanged confused looks before glancing over at the person, who seemed to be heading straight towards them. The man was tallish; tattooed and muscular, a petulant expression on his face and dark, mussed hair. He was dressed in shabby overalls, but there was a swagger to his walk, and the closer he came, the more Mark shrunk back, half-hiding behind Gary, his eyes wide. Yet for some reason, he couldn’t look away.
“Hey…um…Aimee said you were here for that Jason bloke?” the man came to a halt just a short distance back from them, his eyes seeming genuine and earnest, even if there was a note of stubborn defiance to his tone. Howard narrowed his eyes at the man.
“Wait a minute; was it you? Were you the idiot responsible for all this?” he demanded, his voice hard, low and quiet. The man was about to say something, but Howard took a step towards him, eyes fierce. “So you can’t be arsed to look what you’re doing and now my Jay has to spend a night in the hospital? Are you fucking kidding me?! That Jason bloke?! You could’ve seriously hurt him with what you did today, don’t you get that?” He looked at the man imploringly, incensed by his nonchalance and the small, awkward shrug he gave him.
“Look, I’m sorry, I really am. I’m a prize tit, I get that. But I stuck around, didn’t I? Pass on my apology and all that, you know? I didn’t mean t- ” The man broke off abruptly, his gaze suddenly shifting from Howard to who was standing behind him. He looked straight at Mark with an intense expression, joy, fear and hope all mingling curiously across his features. “Markie?! Is that really you?!” He took a step forward but stopped abruptly when Mark stepped instinctively back from him.
“Rob,” Mark mumbled meekly after a beat, still looking like he was shrinking in on himself, his eyes cautiously regarding the man, his whole body tensed.
“Wait a minute, you know this guy?” Howard demanded, confused, looking between Mark and Rob with a disgusted expression on his face.
“Know me? He more than bloody knows me!” Rob grinned, his teeth a sharp glint and his eyes flashing in a way that was somehow frightening. Howard clenched and unclenched his fist, grinding his jaw angrily. “Markie?! How have you been? What have you been doing with yourself?!” Rob asked, seeming oblivious to everything other than Mark now. But Mark simply looked at his shoes, chewing awkwardly on his lip and wishing the ground was hungry enough to swallow him whole.
“Rob, not here, not now, ok?” he said timidly.
“Wait, hold on, how do you know each other?” Gary asked, nervousness building within him as he looked between the unlikely pair, a strange feeling of knowing coming over him. He didn’t know too much about Mark’s history before the bank and the busking on Oldham Street, but Mark’s friends’ and family's faces sometimes clouded over at the mention of certain stories, certain places, certain times. Gary had always wondered why – but now he saw that same look he’d seen on their faces, only this time, it was on Mark’s face. Quiet, subtle, but definitely there.
“Look, Gaz, it was ages ago,” Mark half-whispered, looking over at him pleadingly. “Honest, Gaz, I was just a kid and he…me and him we…we did stupid stuff and it was a mess and it was a long time ago, ok?” Mark stressed, his voice a little firmer now. “He was a right bastard to me and he broke my heart…and I swear, that’s the only reason I haven’t told you about him, ok?” Mark frantically scrambled to explain.
“More to the point, Markie; who is this bloke?” Robbie interrupted, eyeing Gary with a mixture of disapproval and distrust.
“Rob, please, just piss off back to Stoke would you,” Mark groaned, desperation in his eyes.
“Alright, alright, I can take a hint.” Rob didn’t move, eyes still on Mark, his expression intense. “I’ll be around though, Markie, if you change your mind.” He smirked and slowly turned back to Howard, tipping his head slightly in a show of mock-respect. “Let me know how-”
“Don’t you dare even say Jay’s name or I swear I will punch your lights out right here, right now,” Howard cut him off sharply. Rob scoffed but Howard’s eyes were sharp and determined and he took a step towards Rob, forcing him to meet his stare. “Get lost. Now.” Robbie held up his hands in surrender, chuckling slightly as he backed off. Even when he eventually spun on his heel and breezed away, Howard still stared after him, his whole body on alert. Gary, meanwhile, just stood, staring in bewilderment at the whole scene before slowly turning his eyes back to Mark.
“Um…excuse me,” a calm, crisp voice cut through the tension of the moment and, slowly, dazedly, the three men turned to see the nurse had returned to the desk, her expression mildly concerned. Howard wondered how long she had been standing there and just how much she had heard, and he felt all the fight go out of him in a heartbeat, his thoughts immediately turning back to Jason with a vengeance.
“Sorry – are we ok to see Jay now?” Howard sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes.
“Yes, you can. But only one at a time so…” The nurse waved her hand vaguely, gesturing for the three of them to decide who would get to go and see Jason first. Mark offered Howard a small smile.
“You go, Howard, we all know Jay’ll want you anyway,” he managed in a hoarse whisper.
“Thanks. Are you two going to be ok?” Howard asked gently and Mark forced a smile.
“Shut up and just go. But give him our love, ok?” Howard smiled gratefully and nodded before nodding at the nurse and following her away.
“I…I think I’m going to get a drink of water…”Gary said quietly after a long minute of silence had passed between them. Mark opened his mouth and then closed it again, watching helplessly as Gary walked away.
***
Mark shivered slightly, trying to retreat inside his scarf and wishing he had a warmer coat as the snow began to fall once more. He still preferred to be outside though, away from the constant movement and the oppressiveness of the sterile hospital environment; knowing Jason would be fine didn’t change the way the hospital made him feel so on-edge, and he had too many memories of sitting in hospital waiting rooms, worried for himself or for Rob, wishing he knew how they’d even ended up there, pretending the nurses couldn’t see through the pair of them.
He took one final drag on his cigarette before stubbing it out and chucking it away, closing his eyes a moment and trying to clear his head, trying to gather himself and somehow fix his smile back in place. But it was no use.
“Still smoke then?” A voice came from behind him and his heart sank a little – it was a voice he knew well, too well. He and Rob had been practically joined at the hip – a long time ago but it felt like yesterday to Mark in that moment. They’d been best friends, partners in crime, lovers – they’d been everything and it had been overwhelming and brilliant and terrifying and the memories made Mark feel unsteady on his feet. He and Rob had been the perfect couple once. They’d gone everywhere together, adored one another. But then something happened – maybe it had always been there, maybe something changed, maybe Mark just grew out of it all, Mark wasn’t sure, even to this day couldn’t say exactly what it was that tore them apart. All he knew was that something in Rob had broken and he had definitely begun to change. He got louder, crueller and much more drunk. Mark fell asleep with Robbie passed out drunk at his side more and more often, and the stunts he pulled, the situations he dragged the two of them into, got crazier and more intense. Though that still wasn’t as bad as when he started to leave Mark out, started to look right through him, or – even worse – started to look at him like he was the cause of all the bad in his life and lash out at him with carefully-chosen barbs. And then Rob left him without word one night. In the morning, Rob was still gone; in a day, in week. It had broken Mark’s heart, though there had also been a peculiar sense of relief that it was over, the intensity just lifted in a moment. It had left him with little choice but to leave himself. It hadn’t really been until he met Gary and Jason that he’d managed to truly pick up the pieces in any meaningful way, his closeness with Gary being the ultimate antidote to the ghosts of those awful, amazing nights with Rob. Gary was what Mark had really needed; stable and calm, rational but willing to be daft, creative but not always on the edge, driven and carrying his own scars but never to the point where he looked liable to reach that point of damaged logic where setting fire to things just to watch them burn was ever going to be an option. And the way Mark felt about him was different to how he’d felt with Rob too; there was that same intensity, but it didn’t set him on edge, it wasn’t intense in that screaming, uncertain way his and Rob’s young love had been. Gary was real love. Gary was home and comfort. Gary was the person Mark would listen to him when he needed to be listened to, would be there to talk nonsense to him when the last thing he wanted was to talk. Gary was a person who would find him and take him home when he got lost. And yes, sometimes that love ached so much in his heart that he felt like he’d just crashed into a brick wall every time Gary smiled. But with that came an intense fear of losing him if he looked at Mark too closely, if he found where all the fault lines were and realised just what he was getting himself into – because Gary refused to look, refused to explain his history enough for Mark to know if he could ever understand his own past, his own fears. Gary didn’t like uncertainty – and yet his fear of it was the only doubt Mark had left about their relationship. And he wanted to fight harder, wanted to reach that place where the honesty felt good and safe and right, but fighting to get anywhere near that place was exhausting enough, especially when Gary always shut down on him at the slightest sign of trouble.
“Markie? You listening to me?” Mark winced and took a deep breath before risking a glance over at where Robbie was still standing, watching him curiously.
“Yeah, I still smoke. Jay’s trying to get me to quit…was working too ‘til you tried to crush him with the furniture. Well, maybe not working that well but…old habits I guess,” he mumbled as Robbie himself began to light up, a small smirk on his lips at the words. Old habits – the two of them had a lot of old habits they probably shouldn’t fall back into. Each other, for start, Mark thought, trying to ignore the pang of nostalgia that hit every time he looked into Rob’s face.
“I am sorry about your mate, Markie. I stopped concentrating for, like, two seconds and…the Robbie Williams curse strikes again. You know what me and trouble are like,” Robbie said with a cheeky grin that didn’t convince. Mark looked over at him, pitying and cynical, and Robbie looked away, shaking his head slightly. “Whatever, Markie. I didn’t mean it, ok?” he muttered, not meeting Mark’s eyes.
“So did you just stop concentrating or did turn up to work drunk?” Mark asked him quietly. “Because I know it wouldn’t be the first time if you did.”
“Markie,” Robbie sighed, his voice a half-whine, and Mark flinched at that all-too-familiar tone. He swallowed a lump in his throat and looked away, the memories too difficult for him to deal with.
“Don’t even try and justify, Rob, coz I heard enough of it when we were together.” He wrapped his arms around himself protectively. “In one day you’ve scared off my boyfriend, put my best mate in the hospital and made the most laid back man I know threaten to punch your lights out. My life didn’t need turning upside down again and yet, when I finally start to really have things sorted, you turn up and it’s like a hurricane.” He sniffed and finally looked back over at Robbie, who was looking straight back at him, all intensity and defiance, just how Mark remembered him on that night he walked away and never came home. “What do you want me to say, Rob? It’s ok? Because it’s not. I just want you to go before you do any more damage. And don’t even think about looking me up when this is all over.” Robbie looked at him in a way he found unsettling. He suddenly took a step towards him, and Mark’s whole body tensed, though he found somehow the panic made him still.
“Ohw, come on Markie, you don’t mean that,” Robbie cooed, opening up his arms wide, his grin more of a leer as he looked at Mark with that sad, hopeful expression on his face that had won Mark over so many times in the past. Before Mark could even think about backing away, the taller man had a hand on his cheek and he leaned in closer, his powerful, muscular body engulfing Mark easily, even as he squirmed away.
“Rob! Let me go!” he protested, fighting to get out of Robbie’s grip. He felt Robbie’s breath, hot against his ear as he stroked a thumb along his cheek, and Mark let out a whimper, fighting to push him back, desperate to get away from the familiar smell of his aftershave, mixing with the smell of cheap booze and cigarettes on Robbie’s breath.
“Come on, Markie, whatever happened to me and you?!” Robbie persisted, trying to press a kiss into Mark’s neck.
“Please stop,” Mark whispered, feeling tears in his eyes as he managed to twist in Robbie’s grip, getting just enough leverage to turn away from his kiss.
And that was when he saw him: Gary Barlow standing just outside the hospital doors. Robbie felt Mark’s sudden stillness in his arms and he turned to see what he was looking at. At the sight of Gary’s dazed, hurt expression, Robbie finally let Mark go, and Mark stumbled out of the unwanted embrace, scrambling to get away from Robbie and over to Gary, to safety. But Gary still stared at Rob, his expression empty and cold. And when he finally looked at Mark, all he could see was the spot on his neck where Robbie’s lips had been. He didn’t see the drunken stumble Robbie made when Mark’s weight was no longer balancing him, or the rough tear-tracks staining Mark’s soft cheeks. He just saw everything crumbling around him. In slow motion. And his instinct was to run. Run before it can hurt you any more, run before that image can be burned into your brain. He sucked in a breath, closing his eyes in a resolve not to cry.
“Gaz! Gaz wait, where are you going?” he heard Mark calling after him as he began to stride away. But he couldn’t look back at him. Mark’s eyes would melt him, ruin his resolve, invite him in for more hurt. He’d been able to cope last time he’d been burnt like this. Able to, but only just. And only because the person who had hurt him really hadn’t mattered, not when he’d managed to finally get perspective and look back on it all with more clarity – they’d always given him reason to doubt them and so, when they failed him, it had softened the blow. But with Mark? He couldn’t take it. Mark meant too much. He had just begun to believe that Mark was worth the leap of faith, that Mark could be trusted in a way no one else had been. Mark – he had thought – was worth the risk of getting hurt. Mark was a love that made Gary’s heart want to burst, he saw stars when Mark laughed because the joy of that sound made him so dizzy. Someone so gorgeously loving, so special, couldn’t be allowed to break his heart. It was too much to deal with. Gary felt the tears finally come as he slammed the door of his car. He would go back to the shop – how many times had he explained to Jason: his pianos couldn’t break his heart.
“Gaz!” Mark whimpered again, tensing as he felt Robbie come up behind him, gripping his arm tightly and trying to use his height advantage against him. Feeling more hot tears spilling down his cheeks, Mark turned sharply, wrenching his arm from Robbie’s grip and suddenly lashing out, kicking him on the shin. His breath was heavy against Mark’s neck now, brushing against his cheek, feathering through his hair, and it made Mark feel sick, but his resolve to get to Gary was strong and he used all his force - and his sober advantage - to shove him back before running off in the direction Gary had disappeared. But he soon realised that Gary was long gone, and he slowly came to a halt, standing dazedly on his own, wiping at his cheeks.
When he returned to the hospital entrance, Robbie was still stood outside the doors. Mark bit down hard on his lip and tried to ignore him, determined not to let him win, to let him see him cry. Again. He felt like he’d just lost the fight. No matter how important the battle was to him, Gary’s heart had been lost and Mark couldn’t quite absorb the shock.
As he reached the doors, Mark could still feel Robbie’s eyes on his back and he wasn’t sure why but he looked back, stopping a moment to look over at him, a frown creasing his usually soft features. Maybe he still had a little fight left in him after all, he thought, taking a steadying breath before setting his jaw and turning determinedly and marching over to the other man. He clenched his jaw and stopped right in front of Robbie, staring up into his face a moment before raising his hand, letting it slap against Robbie’s face with an almighty clap.
“I’m done, Rob. I mean it.” Mark had never slapped anyone in his life before and he was surprised at his own force. But as Robbie staggered back, Mark kept his face stern. He gave Robbie one last meaningful look, making sure that, even drunk, Robbie would know better than to follow him inside.
***
Howard stepped tentatively over to the bed, a small smile on his face as he finally laid eyes on Jason; the rise and fall of his chest steady and constant. It was comforting just to see him – to be close again, to see with his own eyes that there was no need to worry. Jason’s presence had become so much a part of him, so much of a constant, that the sudden absence and the not knowing had made him feel like he was suffocating. But then there Jason was again and Howard could breathe; he felt the remaining traces of tension dissipate as he sank into the chair by the bed, taking Jason’s hand in his and placing a kiss into his palm. Jason’s fingers twitched in his and Howard’s lips quirked up at the corners. The nurse watched him with a knowing smile.
“He’s going to be ok, I promise,” she said gently. “The only reason he’s out of it is the medication – he was talking and conscious when he came in, no signs of a concussion, just in a spot of pain breathing. The doctors wanted to keep an eye on him overnight but I’m sure he’ll come to soon and tell you for himself that all’s well. The doctors will prescribe painkillers tomorrow when they’ve reassessed how he’s doing, but you’d be amazed how much his body will just heal from the rest he’ll get tonight.” Howard smiled at her gratefully.
“Thanks…seriously, thank you. I know it’s daft but…I needed to hear that. Even when I can see he’s fine, I just…he means a lot to me,” Howard explained, looking down shyly. The nurse offered him a sympathetic smile.
“I understand, sweet. I’ve seen it all before in this place. But that one’s a stubborn thing, I think you’ll have a job convincing him anything’s wrong with him at all when he comes round,” she said with a knowing laugh, and Howard grinned.
“Yeah, that sounds like Jay,” he agreed softly, looking back down at Jason and giving his hand a fond squeeze.
“Well, I wouldn’t worry about him. Sleeps with a smile on his face, look. And since I like you two I’ll bend the rules and let you stay late, as long as you promise me you won’t sit up all night with him. He needs his rest and so do you,” the nurse told him, firm but sweet, and Howard glanced up at her with a grin. “Ask for Maria if you need anything.”
“Thank you,” Howard told her, his voice soft and genuine.
“No problem, sweet,” she told him before moving away to return to the nurses’ station.
Howard turned his eyes back to Jason then, his hand moving to brush his cheek. Maria was right; there was a ghost of a soft smile lying across Jason’s sleeping features, his lashes fanned out against his warm skin, his head tipped towards Howard ever so slightly. Howard brushed Jason’s hair gently from his forehead and leant up to press a kiss to his skin, sitting back down and taking his hand once more.
“Hi Jay,” he whispered, smiling distantly. “You really don’t need to work so hard for my attention, you know?” he murmured. “Actually, you’ve had my undivided attention since the day we met.” He stroked the pad of his thumb along the back of Jason’s hand and Jason’s fingers moved almost imperceptibly against his own. Howard didn’t feel the need to say any more. The two of them could talk for hours sometimes, joking and sharing stories, but the silences between them meant just as much. Sometimes when the two of them fell quiet at night, Howard would hold his breath and he could swear he could almost feel it; the low hum that surrounded the two of them when they were together. It was the lightest, and yet the most intense, sensation Howard had ever known; the same feeling as the rustle of covers, sunlight falling across skin, the feel of Jason’s hair against his cheek or that sensation of being half-woken by the distant sound of a car pulling away in the pre-dawn light. Faint and significant.
“When you wake up, I’m going to kiss you,” he told Jason softly. “And then we’re going home. And everything is going to be ok.”
***
Mark stood in the middle of his living room. Outside his window he could see the blurry lights of a Manchester night going by. Were they blurry or was he still crying? He wasn’t sure anymore. He’d cried all the way home and he was amazed his eyes were even still open.
Standing there alone he wondered how Gary Barlow loved. Because he was sure that Gary did love him; they’d been friends for so long and they understood each other with an intimacy that Mark had never understood anyone in his life before. It was there – behind every smile and in every kiss. But he never said it. When Mark Owen loved he loved body, heart and soul. He gave his all for love. It was, perhaps, part of his problem with life; he gave too much and he sometimes didn’t know how to stop and it damaged him more than he let on. But Gary held back so much; too practical for his good, always making plans and assessing risk, favouring logic and practicality. Ironic for a man who dealt in love songs – maybe sometimes, Mark thought, it was the only way Gary really knew how to be that carefree. Music was unfailing and honest and it was where Gary could trust himself to be carefree too – because music had never let him down, but people had. And that was something Mark understood – but how long could he let that be enough of an excuse? He’d been so badly let down in his past. And yet he’d trusted Gary implicitly and without a moment’s doubt. So what did Gary see in him that he feared so much?
***
Gary had been hurt before. His first ever relationship had ended with the girl in question throwing various household items at him, screaming ‘til Gary couldn’t hear her anymore. That hadn’t hurt so much, it’d been his fault. But it had still all ended in tears. His second proper relationship had been with a man who’d sworn to him that he deserved the world. That same man made promises about Gary’s songwriting, led him on, built him up. And then realised he was probably going nowhere, dropped him like a stone when something younger and more likely to succeed had stepped into his eye-line, cheated on Gary and made sure to leave Gary with the impression it was actually just his own fault for forever falling short. No one had promised Gary the world since then. But once he’d met Mark it hadn’t seemed to matter any longer; Mark didn’t promise him the world, Mark simply promised him company and laughter, promised not to judge him for the fact he took his notebook everywhere and to sympathise when he woke up and made a bolt for the nearest keyboard in the middle of the night. And yet all those little, tiny promises made Gary want to promise the world to Mark. But then there was that curl of doubt in his stomach – the one that reminded him that, just because Mark’s promises were small and simple, it didn’t make them mean any less. In fact, they’d come to mean more, to mean everything. And yet they were just as easily taken away as any other promise – people were unpredictable, and everyone had a past.
Especially Mark, apparently. Why didn’t he know more about Robbie? Why didn’t he recognize the look on Mark’s face when he looked at him? Maybe Mark had made promises before and broken them – he was only human, after all. Mark Owen had secrets, places in his head that Gary wasn’t allowed to go; how could he feel like he understood him so well when that was still the case, even after years of friendship? Gary bit his lip. But didn’t he have secrets too? He knew who Mark was, that much he was sure of. Did he really need to know where Mark came from too?
He loved Mark, he really did. That was why this hurt. This hurt more than the books that had hit his chest as he’d backed away from his first screaming ex. It hurt almost as much as the look he’d been given when his music wasn’t as good as that of his slimmer, younger counterpart. God…he was sure it hurt more than being run over by a bloody bus. No; it even hurt more than one of his own pianos landing right on his head. Maybe he’d just made a huge mistake, maybe he’d just thrown away something he could never replace. Because deep down he knew Mark returned every inch of his love. For all his doubts and unanswered questions, Gary was beginning to see that Mark was never dishonest with him about who he was when they were together. In fact, perhaps, to an extent, he had been the dishonest one of the two of them. Self-preservation and perhaps even a certain selfishness kicking in, drawing him back from giving as much as Mark did.
***
Howard wandered listlessly around the apartment; Maria had finally kicked him out two hours after visiting hours had ended, and he’d had no choice but to return home to try and wait out the hours before Jason finally came to. Maria had assured him it would most likely not be until sometime tomorrow, promising that if he woke in the night she would call. And, whilst Howard believed her, not being able to stay with Jason just to be sure he wouldn’t wake up alone was frustrating, and there was too much energy pent up inside him for him to sleep. It was strange but the apartment in which he had felt so at home was suddenly not so appealing any more, the spaces and the silence getting to him in his agitated state. He sat on the sofa with his laptop, trying to concentrate on some work, occasionally stealing glances at his desktop background, letting it calm him – the picture was one he’d taken himself, one of his favourite pictures in the world. Jason’s eyes glittered mischievously as he and Grace pressed kisses onto Howard’s cheeks, and Howard sat in the middle, laughing at them, his whole world captured in one moment.
***
“Gaz and me broke up. I think we did, anyway. It’s complicated.” Mark sighed and pulled his knees up to his chest. “I know it’s daft and I could just tell you when you’re awake and home but…it’s hard to talk about, you know? And there’s a lot of stuff that’s happened that I don’t want to rake over and…well, Howard will probably be here soon anyway and then I’m pretty sure he’s never letting you out of his sight again so…just letting you know. In the only way I know I can.” It was strange but he supposed he looked more fragile than Jason did; wrapped up in winter layers, a light dusting of snow still about his shoulders, dark circles under his eyes, the corners of his lips downturned. “You know, Howard really loves you, Jay. I know you know that but…I know you know how lucky you are. That you know he loves you and he knows you love him and it’s not…it’s complicated for you but it doesn’t feel like it.” Mark swallowed, laughing sadly. “Sorry, now I’m rambling…I’ve tried not having a past for so long I’ve forgotten what it’s like having one. And now everything’s a mess and…I’m glad Howard knows everything about you, Jay. Because I wouldn’t wish all this second-guessing on anybody.” He gave Jason’s arm a soft pat before quickly and quietly slipping away.
***
Jason Orange woke up at precisely twelve minutes past ten on Sunday morning – aching and groggy but otherwise in good spirits. As he slowly opened his eyes and shifted his weight along the pillow he became more alert, several important facts beginning to fall into place in his head; the most pressing of these facts being that Howard Donald was fast sleep on his arm, his dark hair a mess of curls splayed out, ticking his skin. He let out a soft chuckle and closed his eyes for a moment longer, allowing himself a chance to enjoy the peace before dealing with any of the other facts playing on his mind now he was fully conscious once more. He only had a dim recollection of Mark’s voice, but he was acutely aware of how broken it had sounded, and knew Gary well enough to guess at the rest, meaning he had to hurry up and help bang his two friends’ heads together before too much damage was done. And then, of course, there was Howard.
Opening his eyes once more, Jason sighed softly, looking over Howard’s sleeping form with a fond smile. It was unnatural for him to be out of bed at this time on a Sunday, he thought, shaking his head slightly and rolling his eyes.
“Why is it I’m always first up?” he murmured to himself, rolling carefully onto his side – being sure to avoid his damaged ribs – and pushing himself up a little further in the bed. The movement disturbed Howard, who mumbled something sleepily, his head moving slightly against Jason’s arm. “Hey, Lazy Bones, time to get up,” Jason laughed gently, his voice morning-rough and teasing. It was enough to wake Howard properly and he sat up a little, blinking in confusion for a moment before his eyes settled on Jason.
“Jay,” he smiled sleepily, moving to push himself up and pressing a kiss to Jason’s forehead before sitting back down. “Trust you to wake up at prime Sunday lie-in time,” he added fondly, rubbing his eyes and stifling a yawn, though there was a warm smile still on his lips and he took Jason’s hand in his own as he spoke.
“Mm, and a good morning to you too, sunshine,” Jason said with a smirk, squeezing Howard’s hand gently. Howard gazed at him for a moment in silence and Jason’s eyes danced with light, challenging him for a comeback. But Howard couldn’t bring himself to match the challenge for once; this was one of those rare times he was just going to let Jason have his victory and render him speechless. “Long night?” Jason asked quietly after a moment. Howard gave him a lopsided smile.
“Yeah. For all of us I think,” he said through a yawn and Jason nodded slowly.
“So I’ve heard…I think…” Jason frowned slightly. He’d been asleep, or close to it, but he had been listening, the noises around him somehow sinking into his subconscious as he hovered in that strange place between awake and not, the medication slowly easing its grip on him as the night wore on.
“You think?” Howard asked with a confused smile, and Jason shrugged.
“The details are a little fuzzy. But yeah…I was there. Sort of.” Howard’s smile softened and he brought Jason’s hand to his lips once more, pressing a lingering kiss to his skin and closing his eyes a moment. “You need to rest,” Jason told him and Howard opened one eye, looking up at him with amusement and disbelief.
“Says the patient,” he pointed out and Jason pulled a face.
“Says the guy who’s got enough painkillers in his system to have rested for hours.” Jason paused and looked at him thoughtfully. “Says the guy who loves you, if it helps,” he added quietly and Howard smiled.
“Oh it helps.” He sat up then, moving to perch on the bed beside Jason and cupping his cheek in his hand. “I love you, you know that?” he pressed a kiss to his forehead. “And because I love you, I’m gonna bust you out of here, sound good?” he asked into Jason’s hair, and Jason laughed, tipping his head back to meet Howard’s gaze.
“So good,” he agreed and Howard smirked.
“I’ll go find the nurse.” He stood and moved to go, but stopped suddenly and turned back. “Jay?”
“Mm?”
“You know I mean it don’t you?”
“Do you even need to ask?”
“No. No, I really don’t.”
***
By the afternoon Jason had been discharged with strict orders not to do anything which put any strain on his ribcage; he was placid and charming as the doctor spoke to him but pulled faces of protest the minute he was gone, flippant and determined even as he winced slightly pulling on his jumper as they got ready to go. Howard had seen the bruises, had seen the wincing and the slight flinches of pain Jason could hide from others but not him – he noticed everything about Jason, knew every detail of him, every look and every sound. And Jason knew him too, knew when his eyes were on him and knew when to place a calming hand on his arm, press a wordless kiss against his lips.
“Come on,” he said softly, taking Howard’s hand as they left the hospital at last and squeezing it tightly in his own. “Home,” he reminded, firm but quiet, and Howard nodded.
“Home,” he agreed.
Jason’s phone had been found and returned to him and as Howard drove the two of them home Jason browsed through his missed calls and messages, smiling a smile that was both amused and affectionate as he saw the ten missed calls and three texts that were all from Howard the previous day. He leant across, ignoring the slight pain it caused his ribs, and pressed a kiss to Howard’s cheek.
“What happened to laid back Howard Donald, hm?” he joked. Howard looked at him out of the corner of his eyes, his lips curved up.
“He met you,” he pointed out and Jason smiled, sitting back once more.
“Ah, I knew there had to be an explanation.”
Howard had been slightly surprised at how easy it was to fall back into normality, moving around each other as though nothing had ever happened. Sitting on the sofa now he could hear the sound of Jason clearing away the dishes – he’d offered to do it but Jason had given him a sceptical look and the matter had been quickly closed. The TV muttered away to itself as Howard chose instead to watch Jason move around the kitchen. He was hardly looking at what he was doing on his laptop, flicking the odd glance at it but mostly working on keeping Jason in his eyeline, enjoying the way he followed familiar, well-worn paths back and forth across the room. He liked having the movement and sound back, liked the clink of glasses in the sink and the thudding of kitchen cupboards. And all the while that low hum, the air around the two of them buzzing. And then he heard the sound of a glass of water being filled – Jason taking his painkillers – followed by soft footsteps coming over towards him. Jason placed a hand on his shoulder and Howard looked up, smiling into the kiss Jason bent down to press against his lips. When he looked into Jason’s eyes he saw a knowing, tender expression there.
“I’m going to get an early night,” he said, glancing between the blank computer screen and Howard with soft amusement. “Don’t work too hard, love,” he murmured, pressing a kiss against Howard’s forehead before moving off towards their bedroom.
“Sweet dreams,” Howard called after him, glancing behind him. Jason waved his hand vaguely in Howard’s direction, flashing him a quick, sly look over his shoulder.
“Stop watching me walk away, Donald,” he called back brightly and Howard laughed.
“Only when you stop flirting with me, Orange.”
“It’s a stand-off neither one of us will win, then,” Jason said, his voice echoing down the corridor and Howard grinned, shaking his head slightly as he heard the bedroom door close.
He hadn’t stayed up much longer after that. Howard could spend whole nights crashed out on the sofa when he had lived alone but since he’d started spending nights with Jason, his ability to crash out anywhere had almost completely deserted him. He loved falling asleep next to Jason, loved the way Jason would wind around him in his sleep, loved listening to the soft sound of his breathing. He’d learnt all Jason’s habits and knew them by heart – knew how to wake him and how to get his attention, knew how to pull him closer without waking him up and how much he liked to fall asleep with Howard’s heartbeat next to his ear. He had been so good at his solitary life; he remembered times when he’d moved in to past partners’ houses and just how uncomfortable he’d always been, always on edge, waiting to be kicked out of the bed and out of the door soon after. Only a couple of his relationships had ever gotten that far but he still remembered his fear of having to adapt to them, fit into their lives and work around their homes. But somehow his body recognized the patterns in Jason’s home, knew the rhythms and instinctively fit itself into the space.
When he finally slid into bed, he lay awake, watching the rise and fall of Jason’s chest, enjoying the rustle of sheets when he moved and his little sighs into his pillow. Maybe it was because he liked music, but falling asleep to total silence had been next to impossible for him; he liked the reminder and the company. He liked the way those sounds were so seemingly insignificant but also meant everything at the same time – little meaningless moments and fragments of nothing that formed this home like no other home he’d ever had.
Howard wasn’t sure how long he'd lain there, sometimes just listening, other times watching Jason as he slept, before Jason let out a soft sigh and turned over, slowly opening his eyes, his gaze meeting Howard’s immediately. He offered him a small, sleepy smile, his eyes a watery blue in the semi-darkness, the night’s lights reflected in them, glittering there quietly.
“You’re watching me sleep, Howard Donald,” he mumbled, yawning. Howard stretched out a hand to trace the outline of Jason’s face, edging along his pillow so that the two of them were lying closer together.
“Sometimes I just want to see everything. It’s nice. To be all in and know you’re all in too,” he said slowly, and Jason smiled, understanding in his eyes. Silently he held out his hand to Howard and he took the wordless offer with a small, confused frown. Jason held his gaze, taking his hand and placing it flat against his chest, holding it there. Howard could feel his heartbeat beneath his palm and he closed his eyes a moment, focusing on the feeling. When he opened his eyes again, Jason was watching him, eyes still bright and knowing.
“You don’t need to always see it, you know. Sometimes it’s just something you can’t see. But it’s always there, Howard. I promise you. And it’s always yours.”
***
When Howard woke up the next morning, he was alone in the bed, his head half on his own pillow and half on Jason’s. He could feel the sun on his back and he could smell pancakes cooking; it made him laugh, because it was wonderful and absurd and everything that being with Jason was. Slowly he pushed himself up, stretching out before rolling himself out of the bed and heading for the door. He made a beeline for the kitchen, still rubbing the sleep from his eyes and following the sounds of cutlery and glasses being put out and the thuds of the kitchen cupboards as they were opened and closed. The radio was on quietly in the background and, as Howard stopped at the end of the corridor, he watched for a moment as Jason moved around the kitchen with an understated grace, moving in time with the music that was playing without even trying.
When Jason finally stood still for a moment, Howard sensed his opportunity; quietly, he shuffled up behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist and placing a kiss to the back of his neck. Jason smiled as he felt Howard’s touch, his body instinctively leaning into him and letting him pull him close against his chest.
“Morning,” Howard murmured as Jason tipped his head slightly to look up at him with a smile.
“Morning,” he murmured back, closing his eyes for a moment and letting Howard kiss the side of his face. His smile widened and Howard pulled him closer still, resting his chin on his shoulder.
“Any reason why we’re having pancakes?” he asked curiously, letting Jason resume his cooking but not releasing him from his hold. Jason chuckled looking up at him from the corner of his eye, eyebrow arched.
“What makes you think you’re getting any?” he teased, laughing when Howard simply grinned at him shamelessly before pressing a kiss into his shoulder.
“Lucky guess,” he mumbled against Jason’s skin. Jason nodded, biting back a chuckle.
“Mm, and a healthy ego,” he remarked, elbowing Howard lightly. His eyes were shining and Howard looked into his face with a quiet grin. They held the look for a moment before Jason slowly turned back to what he was doing, a distant looking coming over his face. “You know, when I was a kid, the Orange family go-to was pancakes. Bad days at school, exams, scraped knees, fighting boys – our mum would always make us pancakes. For breakfast or dinner, depending how bad things got. After my dad left things just went to pieces for a while, you know? There was always one of us causing chaos, kicking off. One day there was all hell breaking lose…I can’t remember why exactly. Something to do with Justin I think. Anyway, everyone’s shouting, the whole house is a mess. And mum just stops telling us all off, turns around and heads for the kitchen. Simon and me helped her make pancakes and for the first time in weeks every single one of us sat down together for dinner and nobody lost their tempers with anybody. It was nice. It’s just become one of those weird things now where…it just instantly makes things seem normal again, you know?” Howard looked at Jason thoughtfully, understanding and fondness mingling on his face. Silently he pulled Jason a little closer and pressed a kiss to his temple.
“And did you need things to seem a little more normal today?” he asked gently, touching a hand to Jason’s chin. Jason met his eyes and smiled softly.
“No. But you did,” he said honestly, he gave a slight shrug and reached up to press a brief kiss to Howard’s lips before turning back to what he was doing. Howard stood, dazed, for a moment, a lopsided smile on his face. He kissed Jason’s shoulder again, burying his face in the crook of his neck.
“You’re amazing, you know that?” he mumbled against Jason’s skin, and Jason turned, forcing him to look up and meet his gaze.
“Hmm, you know, actually someone tall dark and handsome said that to me once,” he remarked brightly, eyes sparkling with mischief. He stole another quick kiss from Howard then leant back and arched an eyebrow. “You haven’t seen him, have you?” he asked and Howard laughed, stepping back and wagging his finger at Jason jokingly.
“Oi, watch it, you!” he said, and Jason pulled a face of feigned innocence, making Howard’s grin widen. “You’re just lucky I love you,” he added, moving over to sit at the breakfast bar. Jason turned around and leant against the counter, folding his arms and looking Howard thoughtfully, eyes twinkling.
“I know I am,” he said at least and Howard smiled. “And I love you too, you know? And that’s how this works,” Jason added with a shrug, his mouth turning up at the corners briefly before he turned back to dish up their pancakes.
***
“Jay!” Mark Owen’s voice was bright and crackling as he answered the phone and Jason couldn’t help but smile at the sound. “Feeling better?” Mark asked, a smile coming to his own face for the first time in hours.
“Mm…yeah…I’m…feeling good…” Jason replied, moving his neck obligingly as Howard placed a series of kisses along his collar bone up towards his jaw. He looked at Howard out of the corner of his eye, half-heartedly warning him off, but Howard just grinned and leant in for another kiss. Jason put up no resistance.
“Jay, what are you doing?” Mark asked suspiciously, moving his phone to his other ear.
“I’m sitting on a sofa. But that’s really not the – mm – point,” Jason protested, letting Howard pull him closer as he pressed even more kisses across his jaw-line. Jason bit back a laugh and pushed Howard off him, but Howard simply grinned, offering out his hand. Jason took it with an amused smile and Howard set about playing with their intertwined fingers, kissing the back of Jason’s hand once and studying his face with a quiet smile.
“Is Howard there?” Mark was asking, rolling his eyes as he heard Jason let out a low chuckle that he knew could only be caused by Howard Donald.
“Not the point, mate,” Jason deflected gently. “Is Gaz with you or are you two still engaged in a Mexican stand-off?” he asked, his voice warm and affectionate. Mark groaned; he wasn’t fooled by the gentle tone, he knew that Jason Orange would not let him avoid the question no matter how much he wanted to
“Oh, come on, Jay. You know how stubborn he is.” Mark huffed out a breath. “And anyway, I’m not sure it even matters any more. Some things just aren’t meant to be, you know?” Jason narrowed his eyes at that, resting his head on Howard’s shoulder and letting out a long sigh.
“You know what I’ve never understood about you and Gaz?” he said. “You both feel so much about so many things and you’re both more than happy to pour all those feelings into your songs and sing them to total strangers. But when it comes to just words, just talking to the other person and simply dealing with the problem…the both of you seize up. I’ve seen you standing on street corners busking more honestly than when you talk to Gaz. Why is that? Why are you so scared of him throwing those songs back in your face if you tell them they’re all for him?”
“Jay-”
“No, I’m serious, Mark. If he doesn’t want to know you, know your stories, know everything you have to say…then I don’t think that’s really a relationship you want to be in, you know? And the two of you should get out now if that’s true. But if it’s not…” Jason shrugged. By his side Howard was smiling, still playing with their intertwined hands idly, and Jason caught his eyes for a moment, giving him a quick wink.
“Jay, it’s not that simple, ok? I don’t think any of it even matters, you know. Gary Barlow doesn’t want to love anybody, and I’m pretty sure he’d rather avoid the complication of being loved too, really. You can’t force someone to change their whole mind-set overnight.” Mark rubbed a hand over his face, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, and on the other end of the line Jason sighed, frustration and understanding fighting for dominance as he thought over Mark’s words.
“It doesn’t have to happen overnight, Markie,” he said at last, his voice soft. He felt Howard’s eyes on him and he glanced back at him with a knowing smile. “I think you’re wrong about Gaz. I think he actually wants to be loved more than anything else in the world. He’s just scared of having something that he wanted that badly, getting that experience and then having it taken away – it’s happened to him before, you know. With different dreams but the same consequences. He’s cautious and you’re headfirst and it’s always been that way with the two of you. But you balance each other out, you know? The only people who don’t see it are you and him.” Jason shrugged. “You both have your faults – the problem is you each start from this place of looking at the other like he’s perfect. And it’s not that simple; life isn’t always like a love song, ok?” Howard pressed a kiss to Jason’s temple.
“Shut up, you know I’m perfect,” he mumbled into Jason’s hair and Jason smirked, covering the phone as he swotted Howard away half-heartedly.
“Come on, Jay. Don’t worry about this – you’ve got Howard to worry about. I’m pretty sure his idea of fun isn’t spending the day watching you make phone calls, you know. Just look after yourself for a change. You and Howard are the ones made for each other, so go make the most of that and maybe I’ll come round tomorrow and we can talk about anything else but this, ok?” Mark closed his eyes and held his breath, hoping that for once in his life Jason Orange would just give in. And, to his surprise, Jason sighed – long and heavy and despondent.
“Ok,” he said at last. “But before I let you go: are you out busking today?” Mark frowned slightly, wondering how Jason had guessed and, more importantly, why he cared.
“Yeah. Sundays are quiet but it’s nice around the city centre, you know? Don’t make much but I get to try out new songs. Why do you want to know?”
“Just curious,” Jason dismissed. “Look after yourself too, ok?”
“Ok, Jay. See you around.”
As Jason hung up, Howard regarded him curiously, wondering what he was working on in that head of his; he recognised the slight frown and knew it meant Jason was trying to unpick something in his head.
“No luck I take it?” he asked, brushing away some of the hair that fell across Jason’s forehead. Jason looked over at him and smiled wryly
“Not with him. But there’s two of them, remember. And Gary Barlow is a lot more straightforward: you draw him a map and he tends to get the picture pretty quickly,” he said and Howard chuckled, leaning over to press a kiss to Jason’s lips before leaning back and looking into his eyes with a grin.
“You’re sexy when you’re plotting.”
***
Gary watched Mark from a distance at first, memories of the first time he’d ever seen him flooding back. It was terrifying, and he still wasn’t sure his nerves were steady enough for it, but even before Jason’s call he had been starting to think that maybe the he was making things worse for himself by standing still than if he just took his courage in his hands and leapt; it was that old cliché – you never know unless you try. And maybe he and Mark were both to blame in way, maybe both of them had held parts of themselves back and let too many things go unsaid. But the mess they were in now was all him, he was sure of that much. It was his lack of trust and his lack of honesty and his lack of taking action that had made Mark think he didn’t want to love him – he had made giving up seem like the only option and it had only been when Jason had pointed out how close he was to losing Mark’s friendship as well as their relationship that Gary had really been able to see, truly, how much he did want to be with Mark, to get to a place with Mark where they could be sure of each other like they were sure of no one else. And maybe it wouldn’t happen quickly and maybe it would take a lifetime of working out their issues, giving each other little pieces of their stories. But Gary wanted it, more than anything. The thought of losing the chance to even try scared him – but seeing Mark again now scared him too. He was so gorgeous, after all. Unusual and charming, all jerky movements and little hops and skips, round, bright eyes and a roughness to his voice as he sang. His hair flopped across his face and there was a crack of emotion in his voice. This was one of Mark’s favourite busking spots – he liked the way it caught the sunshine even in winter, and although not many people passed through, the ones who did were usually more inclined to stop and listen than those in the busier parts of town.
As Mark came to the end of his song with a dramatic flourish, spinning on his heel for effect, Gary took a deep breath, gathering his courage in his hands. He was standing a little way back, just behind where Mark had been playing, but now he stepped closer, swallowing a lump in his throat before he spoke.
“Beautiful.” Mark stilled immediately, that voice too achingly familiar for him not to look but the hurt of the past day still fresh and raw. Chewing nervously on his lip, Mark slowly set his guitar down and turned around, bringing his eyes up to look at Gary. He was surprised to see that Gary looked almost as exhausted as he felt, something in his blue eyes earnest and apologetic. “Hi,” he murmured and Mark smiled sadly.
“Hi.” They stood staring at each other for a moment. Mark fiddled with his sleeves and Gary let out a heavy sigh, running his hands over his face.
“Mark…” Gary faltered, frowning slightly at his own inability to form the words he needed. “Look, I’m an idiot, ok?” he said slowly. “I can get pretty self-involved sometimes. I don’t mean to I just…sometimes I forget to say what I’m really feeling because it seems like it might be easier to just…deal with it by myself. To just hope that things will work themselves out and I won’t have to risk putting myself too far out there. Because I did that once – put myself out there, took a risk on someone I probably shouldn’t have. And it nearly killed me.” Gary shook his head. “It’s not an excuse for how I treated you back at the hospital. I just…I freaked out because seeing you and him even just talking to each other it was just…it was a reminder that there is so much of your life you never talk about with me. And a lot of my life I don’t talk about with you. It was like being forced to make a decision then and there about how much I’m willing to share with you and it felt…scary. I guess I forget that there are other alternatives to standing still other than running blind. And I would love to just…walk forward with you, Marko. Just walking with you would be enough. And I think maybe if we start there we might start to figure the rest out eventually.” Gary’s eyes were on the floor, but he looked up then, slowly, nervously, meeting Mark’s gaze. “I don’t want to end this here, Marko.” He shrugged. “I want you back. Back for good.” Mark couldn’t help giving Gary a half smile for that.
“Aren’t you going to get your notebook out for that one, Barlow? Sounds like a winning hook to me,” he said quietly. Gary laughed.
“For you? Music can wait a while. Besides I…I honestly don’t think there is anyone who has inspired me more than you. If it wasn’t for you I don’t…some of my best songs are because of you or about you. Written with you. I think you should probably know that, before you decide whether or not to give us another go.” Mark nodded, looking down with a shy grin.
“It’s funny, you know? Most of my songs are about you too. Or because of you. You make me a better writer, I think. I would’ve given up on my music if it wasn’t for you, probably.” He looked back up and met Gary’s gaze, and Gary took a tentative step closer.
“So what do you say, Marko? Is there hope for us yet?” Mark laughed and held out his hand.
“I’m willing if you are, Barlow,” he replied. Gary couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face then, and he took Mark’s hand, pulling him roughly towards him. Mark was laughing again and Gary laughed too, pulling him in for a kiss. Mark reached up instinctively, taking Gary’s face in his hands and, when they finally pulled apart, Gary smiled down at him. Their foreheads were rested together, and Mark could feel Gary’s fingers buried in his hair.
“I love you, you know,” Gary murmured and Mark looked up at him with round, hopeful eyes.
“Say it again,” he whispered and Gary laughed, pulling him in for one more kiss.
“I love you. And your Pick N Mix kisses,” he said against Mark’s lips.
“Sherbet actually…but I love you too,” Mark replied.