Right Here, Right Now (Let There Be Morning)
Howard started
awake, his eyes taking a moment to adjust to the darkness of the bedroom. It
took him a minute to steady his breathing, to blink away the pictures in his
head of broken glass on tarmac and adjust to the pre-dawn quiet that surrounded
him. He swallowed and closed his eyes
again, trying to absorb the calmness of the room into his own body. Slowly he
reopened his eyes and blew out a breath. Just
a dream. Just a dream. Just a dream.
He was lying on his stomach, head turned towards the window and one arm curled beneath his pillow as the other spilled out onto the other side of the bed – out into an expanse of empty sheets. For a second he felt his heart clench in his chest and he turned over, trying to force down the lump that had formed in his throat. Funny how some memories just stick. He was alone in the bed, but the bedroom door was ajar, dim light making its way down the corridor. He could hear the sound of a cupboard door being closed carefully, the sound of the kettle and the distant chink of cutlery. It soothed him and he sank back against the pillow. His eyelids felt heavy but he was careful not to let himself fall back asleep, choosing instead to enjoy the sound of Jason quietly moving around the apartment, taking in the way the sheets smelt of his shampoo. He didn’t know what time it was, but he suspected it was almost morning – the sky was just starting to consider changing colour, the first hints of daylight at the corners, but it wasn’t light yet and the orange glow of streetlamps came from the road below. But he still knew that morning was close; Salford had a way of twinkling on throughout the night, streetlamps and building lights dancing off structures of glass and metal and reflecting up from the canal, but in the early hours of the morning the colours seemed to shift. It was always the quietest time; it was peaceful and still and an odd magic always seemed to settle across his and Jason’s bedroom in the last hour or so before the dawn.
Through half-closed eyes he saw the light go off down the corridor, heard the sound of bare feet padding towards the bedroom, and his lips curved up at the corners, a lazy half-smile forming on his lips when Jason appeared in the doorway. Jason’s eyes found his immediately, an answering smile on his own lips as he crossed over to the bed.
“Hey you.” Jason’s voice was a whisper, but his eyes were bright in the semi-darkness. “I didn’t wake you, did I?” he asked as he climbed onto the bed, sitting himself down cross-legged, facing Howard, who offered him a small, fond smile.
“You never do,” he said and Jason laughed slightly, inclining his head as though in agreement, before turning his piercing gaze to Howard’s face.
“You didn’t think I’d done a moonlight flit on you, did you?” He was still half-whispering and his eyes were slightly narrowed – his tone was playful but Howard could feel the knowing edge there and he offered him a lopsided smile.
“Don’t be daft; I know your kitchen sounds,” he murmured. Jason smiled. It was soft and quiet, but he still regarded Howard steadily, seeming to demand a little more elaboration. Howard scrunched up his face slightly in a show of admitting defeat. “Just a bad dream,” he dismissed quietly, rubbing a hand over his face and stifling a yawn. Jason’s expression was hard to read, but there was something in his eyes that remained questioning, that saw more than what either one of them was saying. Howard sighed. “What about you – couldn’t sleep?” Jason laughed, shrugging idly and pulling a face.
“I was sleeping fine until I woke up,” he said, and Howard nodded, chuckling.
“I know the feeling,” he agreed.
For a moment they sat in silence, regarding each other with sleepy smiles and shining eyes. Howard tried to take in every detail, as though the detail could somehow make the moment more real. He needed to establish a distance between their shared moment in this room and the broken glass in his dreams. Jason leant his elbows on his knees and let him stare, looking back at Howard, quiet and calm, as though he could sense what Howard needed and was willing to give it without question. His blue eyes looked almost grey in the dark, his smile just a thin pink line barely curving at one corner. He was cradling a mug in his hands and he blew on the contents lightly, though his eyes stayed on Howard’s face. The shadows of their room caught on his profile, illuminating the sharp angles of his jaw. And there, lit by the light coming in through the bedroom window, the only reminder that Howard’s dreams weren’t simply dreams and nothing more; the remnants of cuts, smattered across the left hand side of Jason’s face. The dreams came from somewhere, of course. Most of the cuts had healed now, but there was one particularly stubborn one still visible just beneath the corner of Jason’s left eye; in the colourlessness of the early hours it was little more than a dark grey crescent. He knew that there was no way Jason didn’t realise that his eyes had fallen on the mark, but he let him stare all the same, sipping at his drink quietly and allowing Howard the wordless space he needed in which to collect his thoughts. He was the only person Jason allowed to look at him this way; flawed, scarred, broken and reassembled a thousand times but somehow – somehow – unguarded and open despite it all. His lips quirked at the corners as if he could hear Howard’s thoughts, and he glanced up, meeting his eyes briefly. Howard let out a small laugh, his smile sheepish at having been caught, but Jason simply rolled his eyes, lifting one shoulder in a shrug before taking another sip of his drink.
“I don’t mind. Not when it’s you,” he said quietly and Howard’s smile softened. He nodded slightly; gratitude, pride and love fought for dominance and he blew out a breath. Once more he tried to let the peace seep back into his bones. It was starting to get lighter outside and the stillness of the moment was briefly interrupted by the sound of a car driving off in a nearby street. As the sound ebbed away, Howard’s eyes fell once more on Jason’s face.
“I love you, you know that?” he uttered in a half-sigh. Jason’s lips twitched into a smile that was honest in its affection. He tipped his head slightly, the light catching his eyes and revealing all their different shades of blue as they sparkled back at Howard.
“I know,” he said softly, scanning Howard’s face for a moment before once more meeting his eyes. “And I love you too,” he whispered. Howard smiled.
As Jason took another sip of his drink, Howard briefly closed his eyes, listening to the rustle and hum of their bedroom; the clink of Jason’s ring against the ceramic of his mug, the crinkle of the sheets as he shifted slightly along the bed. When Howard looked up at Jason again, he was the one with his eyes closed – he was holding his mug to his face, savouring its warmth a moment and taking a breath. Howard’s eyes caught again on the dark outline of the cut beneath his eye. No, it wasn’t all a dream. Howard swallowed down the lump in his throat determinedly.
“What are you drinking anyway? It doesn’t smell like your usual herbal rubbish.” Jason’s eyes fluttered open as he let out a quiet little laugh, attempting to shoot Howard a reproachful look but unable to pull it off through his smile even as he shifted himself just enough to deliver a harmless kick to Howard’s ribs.
“Hot chocolate,” he said with a small grin, rolling his eyes in feigned irritation as he settled back. “I felt wild and irresponsible,” he elaborated with a smirk when he caught sight of Howard’s raised eyebrows, and Howard smothered a grin.
“Ok, who are you and what have you done with my husband?” For a moment Howard nearly flinched at his own words, unsure if it was the best turn of phrase after everything they’d been through. But if Jason thought for a moment it was some pointed jab, it didn’t show on his face, which he simply scrunched up in a playful show of exasperation that didn’t match the clear amusement lingering in his eyes.
“Obviously I felt wild and irresponsible the day I agreed to marry you too,” he shot back, arching an eyebrow but not bothering to hide his smile.
“All I care about is the fact you still went through with it,” Howard replied. His tone was light but his smile was soft and earnest and Jason winked at him conspiratorially.
A minute or so passed in easy silence. Jason finished his hot chocolate and reached across to set down the empty mug on his bedside table. Howard lay quietly and watched the changing light make patterns across the bed. Slowly the space around them was being lit in grey and white and the faintest whisper of duck egg blue, and Howard regarded the dark grey shadows of the room with an absent frown. And then he felt Jason’s eyes settle back on him and looked up slowly to meet his gaze.
“What’s wrong, Howard Donald?” Jason whispered after a beat, his expression both tender and concerned. Howard’s forehead creased slightly but Jason met his attempt at confusion and deflection with a simple, knowing smile. “You know my kitchen sounds and I know your sighs,” he explained quietly. “Tell me what’s wrong.” For a moment they both watched each other in silence – Jason’s eyes intent and unwavering, and Howard suddenly feeling those emotions he’d been trying to squash begin to bubble up just beneath his skin. Just a dream. Just a dream. Just a dream. Each one of them knew the other too well for hiding, though, too well for unsaid things or half-truths, and there was no sense in trying to pretend when they were in the company of the one person in the world who knew all their tells. They saw each other – messy and broken – and still loved each other, after all. “The offer’s the same as it’s always been, you know. The same promises still stand.” Jason’s voice was low, simultaneously soft and strong. Howard swallowed, a ghost of smile on his lips even as he looked down and away from Jason’s piercing gaze.
“No secrets, all in,” he whispered the familiar reply and Jason smiled.
“I remember.” Two words that shouldn’t mean so much. But they did. Howard nodded slowly but he didn’t look back up. He licked his chapped lips and took a breath.
“Sometimes I swear I can hear the sound of breaking glass.” He closed his eyes. “You know, sometimes I forget that I haven’t known you my whole life…I know that sounds daft but…sometimes I just can’t get my head around it. Because I can’t for the life of me remember how I did it; not knowing you. And I know I couldn’t do it again.” Howard squeezed his eyes more tightly shut. “I see it over and over in my head, Jay. And even when I know you’re here and you’re safe…all I can think about is; what if you’d been one step further forward, what if it had all happened a fraction of a second later, what if…what if something had happened and I didn’t get you back? What if you’d died that day?” They’d never really talked about it – not this part of it at least. Somehow, in everything that had happened, they’d never got around to dealing with the accident itself, what Howard saw and what he’d thought in those awful minutes before the ambulance arrived. Howard did know that Jason didn’t remember it, had no real recollection of anything that had happened that day; he envied him that ignorance.
Slowly, Howard opened his eyes, blinking back the tears that threatened to spill over as he risked a glance up at Jason, who was watching him with quiet sympathy. Tender, knowing – his eyes weren’t pitying or patronising, but there was understanding there, and compassion. His calmness and his wordless knowing was comforting and Howard found it soothed him, albeit only slightly. Jason leant forwards, tucking a strand of Howard’s hair back into place before letting his fingers dance along the curve of his ear, briefly, eventually coming to rest buried in the curls at the nape of his neck.
“And what if you’d never walked into the shop that day?” he asked steadily. “What if your flat had been on the other side of town? What if I’d decided not to come back from travelling or Gaz hadn’t had the money to buy the shop? Or if he’d made it big and never even thought about buying it at all? What if Vicky and Grace had moved out of Manchester or you’d been born in Liverpool? What if they never built this city to begin with?” He smiled – fond and quiet – and looked Howard in the eyes. “You’ll drive yourself crazy that way,” he stated, firm but not unkind. Howard looked up at the ceiling in a half-hearted attempt to not let any more tears fall.
“There was so much broken glass. And you were bleeding…and I thought I’d really lost you that time.” His voice sounded scratchy and distant – he hadn’t meant to say it aloud, hadn’t wanted Jason to know. But then he felt Jason moving beside him and when he looked across he saw Jason closing the slight distance between them, lying himself down next to him and resting his head on the corner of the pillow so that their faces were almost touching. And suddenly it occurred to him that Jason had already known, he’d just been waiting for Howard to say it.
Eye to eye, Howard could see all the colours of Jason’s gaze, could feel his breath against his skin, and he reached out a hand on instinct, running his fingers across the warm flash of exposed skin at Jason’s hip. Silently Jason took Howard’s face in both his hands – slow and tender – and Howard could feel the ridges of his fingerprints as he pressed the pads of his thumbs gently to the tear tracks on his cheeks, brushing them away with a care that was almost painful. Howard closed his eyes.
“Hey, look at me.” When Howard squeezed his eyes more tightly shut, Jason pressed a single kiss against his lips. “Howard, look at me.” Howard swallowed. “I’m right here,” Jason’s whisper was husky and calm and something about it washed over Howard’s whole body. His tense muscles relaxed a little. The familiar sensation of Jason’s body close to his own, the feel of his heartbeat pressed close, was steady and reassuring and Howard savoured the feeling for a moment before slowly opening his eyes. And there was Jason. Looking at him intently, a fierceness to his stare – to his caring – that made Howard’s heart lurch against his ribcage. “Look at me. Just look at me.” Howard swallowed, feeling the tears subside as he looked into Jason’s eyes. “Next time you think you hear breaking glass, or you think it looks like it’s going to rain – next time you think you can’t cope? Just remember this moment right here, ok? Promise me.” Howard nodded and Jason looked at him intently for a moment before pressing another lingering kiss to his lips. Howard closed his eyes and savoured the taste of chocolate still on Jason’s lips. Jason pulled back and Howard slowly let his eyes open once more, meeting Jason’s gaze, which was somehow sweet and sad all at once. “Howard, you know I can’t promise you nothing’s ever going to happen to me. You know I can’t say that, no one can. I can’t promise you nothing bad will ever happen.” Howard winced and looked down but Jason kept his hands on his face, his gaze unwavering. “But even if something bad does happen, even if it’s scary or it hurts…we will always have been right here, right now. Together. Looking at each other, just like this.” For a moment they lay in silence. Jason touched a finger to Howard’s chin and Howard reluctantly brought his eyes back up to look at him again. “Please, just look at me, ok? Look at me. Remember me and know me…and just look at me.” Howard reached up then, brushing his knuckles along Jason’s jawline and watching as his eyes briefly fluttered closed at the touch before reopening, just as bright as always. And still looking at him in that honest, tender way. “I’m here.” Howard smiled slightly and Jason returned the smile with one of his own. “Just look at me,” he repeated quietly. “Ok?” he asked, careful and kind, and Howard nodded, edging even closer along the pillow. He pushed himself up just enough to kiss Jason’s forehead before sinking back down and meeting his eyes once more. Another wordless space fell upon the two of them. Howard brushed his knuckles along Jason’s skin again.
“It’s nearly morning.” The words were half-mumbled and caught in his throat, but Jason’s face crinkled into a small smile all the same.
“So?” Howard felt a smile on his own face at that and he swallowed the last of his tears, letting out a low half-chuckle. Because suddenly he realised exactly what Jason meant; what ifs and uncertainties could drive him crazy – and if he was busy going crazy, he’d miss the certainties he was lucky enough to hold in his hands. Jason was right here; the sun was coming up and Jason was looking at him.
“Thank you,” Howard whispered. Jason simply smiled.
Howard didn’t know what time it was when he next woke up, but the sun was shining. Yellow-gold patterns criss-crossed the sheets and warmed his skin and a lazy smile spread across his face. No bad dreams. Jason was still beside him, fast asleep in the crook of his arm, his head on his chest; the cuts on his face were hidden from view and he looked beautiful and calm in the morning sunlight. Howard could hear the soft sound of his breathing and he curled his arm around him protectively, stroking his thumb across his bare shoulder absently as he let his eyes close once again. He’s right here. And we’re ok.
He was lying on his stomach, head turned towards the window and one arm curled beneath his pillow as the other spilled out onto the other side of the bed – out into an expanse of empty sheets. For a second he felt his heart clench in his chest and he turned over, trying to force down the lump that had formed in his throat. Funny how some memories just stick. He was alone in the bed, but the bedroom door was ajar, dim light making its way down the corridor. He could hear the sound of a cupboard door being closed carefully, the sound of the kettle and the distant chink of cutlery. It soothed him and he sank back against the pillow. His eyelids felt heavy but he was careful not to let himself fall back asleep, choosing instead to enjoy the sound of Jason quietly moving around the apartment, taking in the way the sheets smelt of his shampoo. He didn’t know what time it was, but he suspected it was almost morning – the sky was just starting to consider changing colour, the first hints of daylight at the corners, but it wasn’t light yet and the orange glow of streetlamps came from the road below. But he still knew that morning was close; Salford had a way of twinkling on throughout the night, streetlamps and building lights dancing off structures of glass and metal and reflecting up from the canal, but in the early hours of the morning the colours seemed to shift. It was always the quietest time; it was peaceful and still and an odd magic always seemed to settle across his and Jason’s bedroom in the last hour or so before the dawn.
Through half-closed eyes he saw the light go off down the corridor, heard the sound of bare feet padding towards the bedroom, and his lips curved up at the corners, a lazy half-smile forming on his lips when Jason appeared in the doorway. Jason’s eyes found his immediately, an answering smile on his own lips as he crossed over to the bed.
“Hey you.” Jason’s voice was a whisper, but his eyes were bright in the semi-darkness. “I didn’t wake you, did I?” he asked as he climbed onto the bed, sitting himself down cross-legged, facing Howard, who offered him a small, fond smile.
“You never do,” he said and Jason laughed slightly, inclining his head as though in agreement, before turning his piercing gaze to Howard’s face.
“You didn’t think I’d done a moonlight flit on you, did you?” He was still half-whispering and his eyes were slightly narrowed – his tone was playful but Howard could feel the knowing edge there and he offered him a lopsided smile.
“Don’t be daft; I know your kitchen sounds,” he murmured. Jason smiled. It was soft and quiet, but he still regarded Howard steadily, seeming to demand a little more elaboration. Howard scrunched up his face slightly in a show of admitting defeat. “Just a bad dream,” he dismissed quietly, rubbing a hand over his face and stifling a yawn. Jason’s expression was hard to read, but there was something in his eyes that remained questioning, that saw more than what either one of them was saying. Howard sighed. “What about you – couldn’t sleep?” Jason laughed, shrugging idly and pulling a face.
“I was sleeping fine until I woke up,” he said, and Howard nodded, chuckling.
“I know the feeling,” he agreed.
For a moment they sat in silence, regarding each other with sleepy smiles and shining eyes. Howard tried to take in every detail, as though the detail could somehow make the moment more real. He needed to establish a distance between their shared moment in this room and the broken glass in his dreams. Jason leant his elbows on his knees and let him stare, looking back at Howard, quiet and calm, as though he could sense what Howard needed and was willing to give it without question. His blue eyes looked almost grey in the dark, his smile just a thin pink line barely curving at one corner. He was cradling a mug in his hands and he blew on the contents lightly, though his eyes stayed on Howard’s face. The shadows of their room caught on his profile, illuminating the sharp angles of his jaw. And there, lit by the light coming in through the bedroom window, the only reminder that Howard’s dreams weren’t simply dreams and nothing more; the remnants of cuts, smattered across the left hand side of Jason’s face. The dreams came from somewhere, of course. Most of the cuts had healed now, but there was one particularly stubborn one still visible just beneath the corner of Jason’s left eye; in the colourlessness of the early hours it was little more than a dark grey crescent. He knew that there was no way Jason didn’t realise that his eyes had fallen on the mark, but he let him stare all the same, sipping at his drink quietly and allowing Howard the wordless space he needed in which to collect his thoughts. He was the only person Jason allowed to look at him this way; flawed, scarred, broken and reassembled a thousand times but somehow – somehow – unguarded and open despite it all. His lips quirked at the corners as if he could hear Howard’s thoughts, and he glanced up, meeting his eyes briefly. Howard let out a small laugh, his smile sheepish at having been caught, but Jason simply rolled his eyes, lifting one shoulder in a shrug before taking another sip of his drink.
“I don’t mind. Not when it’s you,” he said quietly and Howard’s smile softened. He nodded slightly; gratitude, pride and love fought for dominance and he blew out a breath. Once more he tried to let the peace seep back into his bones. It was starting to get lighter outside and the stillness of the moment was briefly interrupted by the sound of a car driving off in a nearby street. As the sound ebbed away, Howard’s eyes fell once more on Jason’s face.
“I love you, you know that?” he uttered in a half-sigh. Jason’s lips twitched into a smile that was honest in its affection. He tipped his head slightly, the light catching his eyes and revealing all their different shades of blue as they sparkled back at Howard.
“I know,” he said softly, scanning Howard’s face for a moment before once more meeting his eyes. “And I love you too,” he whispered. Howard smiled.
As Jason took another sip of his drink, Howard briefly closed his eyes, listening to the rustle and hum of their bedroom; the clink of Jason’s ring against the ceramic of his mug, the crinkle of the sheets as he shifted slightly along the bed. When Howard looked up at Jason again, he was the one with his eyes closed – he was holding his mug to his face, savouring its warmth a moment and taking a breath. Howard’s eyes caught again on the dark outline of the cut beneath his eye. No, it wasn’t all a dream. Howard swallowed down the lump in his throat determinedly.
“What are you drinking anyway? It doesn’t smell like your usual herbal rubbish.” Jason’s eyes fluttered open as he let out a quiet little laugh, attempting to shoot Howard a reproachful look but unable to pull it off through his smile even as he shifted himself just enough to deliver a harmless kick to Howard’s ribs.
“Hot chocolate,” he said with a small grin, rolling his eyes in feigned irritation as he settled back. “I felt wild and irresponsible,” he elaborated with a smirk when he caught sight of Howard’s raised eyebrows, and Howard smothered a grin.
“Ok, who are you and what have you done with my husband?” For a moment Howard nearly flinched at his own words, unsure if it was the best turn of phrase after everything they’d been through. But if Jason thought for a moment it was some pointed jab, it didn’t show on his face, which he simply scrunched up in a playful show of exasperation that didn’t match the clear amusement lingering in his eyes.
“Obviously I felt wild and irresponsible the day I agreed to marry you too,” he shot back, arching an eyebrow but not bothering to hide his smile.
“All I care about is the fact you still went through with it,” Howard replied. His tone was light but his smile was soft and earnest and Jason winked at him conspiratorially.
A minute or so passed in easy silence. Jason finished his hot chocolate and reached across to set down the empty mug on his bedside table. Howard lay quietly and watched the changing light make patterns across the bed. Slowly the space around them was being lit in grey and white and the faintest whisper of duck egg blue, and Howard regarded the dark grey shadows of the room with an absent frown. And then he felt Jason’s eyes settle back on him and looked up slowly to meet his gaze.
“What’s wrong, Howard Donald?” Jason whispered after a beat, his expression both tender and concerned. Howard’s forehead creased slightly but Jason met his attempt at confusion and deflection with a simple, knowing smile. “You know my kitchen sounds and I know your sighs,” he explained quietly. “Tell me what’s wrong.” For a moment they both watched each other in silence – Jason’s eyes intent and unwavering, and Howard suddenly feeling those emotions he’d been trying to squash begin to bubble up just beneath his skin. Just a dream. Just a dream. Just a dream. Each one of them knew the other too well for hiding, though, too well for unsaid things or half-truths, and there was no sense in trying to pretend when they were in the company of the one person in the world who knew all their tells. They saw each other – messy and broken – and still loved each other, after all. “The offer’s the same as it’s always been, you know. The same promises still stand.” Jason’s voice was low, simultaneously soft and strong. Howard swallowed, a ghost of smile on his lips even as he looked down and away from Jason’s piercing gaze.
“No secrets, all in,” he whispered the familiar reply and Jason smiled.
“I remember.” Two words that shouldn’t mean so much. But they did. Howard nodded slowly but he didn’t look back up. He licked his chapped lips and took a breath.
“Sometimes I swear I can hear the sound of breaking glass.” He closed his eyes. “You know, sometimes I forget that I haven’t known you my whole life…I know that sounds daft but…sometimes I just can’t get my head around it. Because I can’t for the life of me remember how I did it; not knowing you. And I know I couldn’t do it again.” Howard squeezed his eyes more tightly shut. “I see it over and over in my head, Jay. And even when I know you’re here and you’re safe…all I can think about is; what if you’d been one step further forward, what if it had all happened a fraction of a second later, what if…what if something had happened and I didn’t get you back? What if you’d died that day?” They’d never really talked about it – not this part of it at least. Somehow, in everything that had happened, they’d never got around to dealing with the accident itself, what Howard saw and what he’d thought in those awful minutes before the ambulance arrived. Howard did know that Jason didn’t remember it, had no real recollection of anything that had happened that day; he envied him that ignorance.
Slowly, Howard opened his eyes, blinking back the tears that threatened to spill over as he risked a glance up at Jason, who was watching him with quiet sympathy. Tender, knowing – his eyes weren’t pitying or patronising, but there was understanding there, and compassion. His calmness and his wordless knowing was comforting and Howard found it soothed him, albeit only slightly. Jason leant forwards, tucking a strand of Howard’s hair back into place before letting his fingers dance along the curve of his ear, briefly, eventually coming to rest buried in the curls at the nape of his neck.
“And what if you’d never walked into the shop that day?” he asked steadily. “What if your flat had been on the other side of town? What if I’d decided not to come back from travelling or Gaz hadn’t had the money to buy the shop? Or if he’d made it big and never even thought about buying it at all? What if Vicky and Grace had moved out of Manchester or you’d been born in Liverpool? What if they never built this city to begin with?” He smiled – fond and quiet – and looked Howard in the eyes. “You’ll drive yourself crazy that way,” he stated, firm but not unkind. Howard looked up at the ceiling in a half-hearted attempt to not let any more tears fall.
“There was so much broken glass. And you were bleeding…and I thought I’d really lost you that time.” His voice sounded scratchy and distant – he hadn’t meant to say it aloud, hadn’t wanted Jason to know. But then he felt Jason moving beside him and when he looked across he saw Jason closing the slight distance between them, lying himself down next to him and resting his head on the corner of the pillow so that their faces were almost touching. And suddenly it occurred to him that Jason had already known, he’d just been waiting for Howard to say it.
Eye to eye, Howard could see all the colours of Jason’s gaze, could feel his breath against his skin, and he reached out a hand on instinct, running his fingers across the warm flash of exposed skin at Jason’s hip. Silently Jason took Howard’s face in both his hands – slow and tender – and Howard could feel the ridges of his fingerprints as he pressed the pads of his thumbs gently to the tear tracks on his cheeks, brushing them away with a care that was almost painful. Howard closed his eyes.
“Hey, look at me.” When Howard squeezed his eyes more tightly shut, Jason pressed a single kiss against his lips. “Howard, look at me.” Howard swallowed. “I’m right here,” Jason’s whisper was husky and calm and something about it washed over Howard’s whole body. His tense muscles relaxed a little. The familiar sensation of Jason’s body close to his own, the feel of his heartbeat pressed close, was steady and reassuring and Howard savoured the feeling for a moment before slowly opening his eyes. And there was Jason. Looking at him intently, a fierceness to his stare – to his caring – that made Howard’s heart lurch against his ribcage. “Look at me. Just look at me.” Howard swallowed, feeling the tears subside as he looked into Jason’s eyes. “Next time you think you hear breaking glass, or you think it looks like it’s going to rain – next time you think you can’t cope? Just remember this moment right here, ok? Promise me.” Howard nodded and Jason looked at him intently for a moment before pressing another lingering kiss to his lips. Howard closed his eyes and savoured the taste of chocolate still on Jason’s lips. Jason pulled back and Howard slowly let his eyes open once more, meeting Jason’s gaze, which was somehow sweet and sad all at once. “Howard, you know I can’t promise you nothing’s ever going to happen to me. You know I can’t say that, no one can. I can’t promise you nothing bad will ever happen.” Howard winced and looked down but Jason kept his hands on his face, his gaze unwavering. “But even if something bad does happen, even if it’s scary or it hurts…we will always have been right here, right now. Together. Looking at each other, just like this.” For a moment they lay in silence. Jason touched a finger to Howard’s chin and Howard reluctantly brought his eyes back up to look at him again. “Please, just look at me, ok? Look at me. Remember me and know me…and just look at me.” Howard reached up then, brushing his knuckles along Jason’s jawline and watching as his eyes briefly fluttered closed at the touch before reopening, just as bright as always. And still looking at him in that honest, tender way. “I’m here.” Howard smiled slightly and Jason returned the smile with one of his own. “Just look at me,” he repeated quietly. “Ok?” he asked, careful and kind, and Howard nodded, edging even closer along the pillow. He pushed himself up just enough to kiss Jason’s forehead before sinking back down and meeting his eyes once more. Another wordless space fell upon the two of them. Howard brushed his knuckles along Jason’s skin again.
“It’s nearly morning.” The words were half-mumbled and caught in his throat, but Jason’s face crinkled into a small smile all the same.
“So?” Howard felt a smile on his own face at that and he swallowed the last of his tears, letting out a low half-chuckle. Because suddenly he realised exactly what Jason meant; what ifs and uncertainties could drive him crazy – and if he was busy going crazy, he’d miss the certainties he was lucky enough to hold in his hands. Jason was right here; the sun was coming up and Jason was looking at him.
“Thank you,” Howard whispered. Jason simply smiled.
Howard didn’t know what time it was when he next woke up, but the sun was shining. Yellow-gold patterns criss-crossed the sheets and warmed his skin and a lazy smile spread across his face. No bad dreams. Jason was still beside him, fast asleep in the crook of his arm, his head on his chest; the cuts on his face were hidden from view and he looked beautiful and calm in the morning sunlight. Howard could hear the soft sound of his breathing and he curled his arm around him protectively, stroking his thumb across his bare shoulder absently as he let his eyes close once again. He’s right here. And we’re ok.