The Different Ending
Chapter One
Howard crept into the bedroom quietly, trying to make as little noise as possible. One of the things that he hated most about his work was the number of times he disturbed his husband’s sleep – which was rare enough anyway of late, without him making things any worse. The shadows in the room shifted as the wind outside got stronger and swirls of cloud drifted across the moon. Manchester was still humming along quietly despite the ridiculous hour and the city’s lights sent dappled glows across the bed where Jason was lying, curled up tightly around his pillow. Howard discarded his clothes in a messy heap by the bed and slowly crawled under the duvet. He placed a tentative kiss to Jason’s exposed shoulder, determined not to ruin all his hard work keeping quiet simply for the selfish indulgence of a kiss. But, just as he was about to lie back, Jason stirred, turning slowly and sleepily around. Howard felt the twinge of defeat but was quick to take advantage of the situation, wrapping an arm around his husband’s waist. Jason’s eyes shone dimly in the shifting light and he half-smiled at Howard, letting himself be tugged across the bed and into Howard’s arms. Howard kissed the top of Jason’s head as he settled himself against his chest.
“Urgh, you stink of club,” Jason groaned softly, though he made no attempt to move from the embrace. Howard chuckled, resting his cheek against Jason’s hair and closing his eyes a moment.
“Sorry love. That place is a bit of a dive but...well, they offered good money,” he sighed.
“Mm,” Jason mumbled into Howard’s skin, ignoring the smell of smoke and alcohol and sweat and just enjoying the feel of his husband’s arms around him.
“I half-expected you to be awake and worrying,” Howard said and Jason smiled sleepily.
“Sleeping tablets. Not enough of them, apparently, coz I was up when you got in. What took you so long to get in here?” he questioned, making Howard grin.
“Sorry, fancied a brew before bed,” he shrugged and Jason nodded, stifling a yawn.
“Ok. But just so you know? I wouldn’t have minded you waking me up if I had actually been asleep. I miss you, you’ve been working non-stop lately,” he mumbled. Howard pulled a face.
“You know I hate waking you though,” he frowned and Jason gently elbowed him in the ribs.
“Liar. You don’t like the guilt but you like the kisses,” he reminded his husband quietly.
“Yeah, and I haven’t had a proper one yet!” Howard complained and Jason laughed, opening his eyes and pushing himself up slightly to give Howard the kiss he was looking for. Howard smiled into the kiss, letting Jason capture his lips and pull him close. They became so entangled that they rolled across to Jason’s side of the bed, twisting the duvet as they went.
“Happy now?” Jason asked playfully as they finally pulled apart.
“That’ll do. For now,” Howard agreed mischievously and Jason swatted him, before giving him another brief kiss and then settling back against his chest.
“You still stink of club though,” he sighed, wrinkling his nose and closing his eyes.
For a while the two of them lay in silence, staring at the patterns the shadows drew across the ceiling. Howard knew Jason was still awake, he could tell from his breathing and he could still see the quiet gleam of the light dancing off his blue eyes. He knew why Jason couldn’t sleep tonight, it had been the same ever since Gary had broken the news. But would Jason tell Gary? No, of course he wouldn’t. Truth be told Howard himself wasn’t wild about the idea, but he hadn’t said anything except to Jason and he couldn’t help but think his husband’s noble streak must have worn off on him. Jason shifted, turning his face into Howard’s chest and pulling Howard away from his thoughts.
“Listen love, I know I may not look like much but...I’m yours, for your sins. You could cry and worry and run mad for a week and I’d still know that you’re a fighter. And I’m always yours to talk to if you want,” Howard sighed at last, stroking his fingers lovingly along Jason’s arm and looking down at him with concern. Jason smiled a small, distant smile.
“That’s why I love you,” he whispered and Howard smiled.
“You’re changing the subject...but I love you too,” he replied, giving Jason a gentle squeeze.
“Despite the fact I should be locked up in a mental institution?” Jason asked. Howard chuckled and rolled his eyes and Jason smiled into his chest.
“Actually, there’s something that’s really rather beautiful to me about the fact you should be locked up in a mental institution,” Howard told Jason softly.
“I swear you used to tell me I shouldn’t be locked up in a mental institution you know,” Jason pouted and Howard simply shook his head, turning his gaze back to the ceiling once more.
“Mm, that was before you started shutting me out,” he remarked pointedly.
“Howard,” Jason groaned and Howard felt a twinge of guilt.
“Jay, I know you too well to buy any of your assurances. And I get it, I do. But I just think maybe if you talked it out then you could at least get some sleep, instead of it all getting internalised, you know? I’m just worried about you is all. Someone has to worry about you whilst you’re busy worrying about everyone else,” he sighed. Jason smiled slightly and nodded.
“I know love. And I’m sorry but I just...I don’t know. I mean, it’s not like the talking would change anything. I’d still be feeling the same way about it all. I would still be giving you cause to worry about me for years to come if I didn’t go through with this. With that on my conscience? I don’t think I’d ever sleep again. I’m not shutting you out Howard, I promise...I’m just...I don’t know, shutting down? But thank you...I...look, there is something you could do for me,” Jason said, glancing up into Howard’s eyes.
“Say the word,” Howard shrugged.
“Keep hold of me, just like this. At least until I fall asleep,” Jason murmured.
“You don’t even have to ask for that one love, just close your eyes,” Howard nodded gently and Jason smiled before settling back once more and closing his eyes. Howard was still holding him by the time they both fell asleep.
***
It was raining and Gary listened intently to the pattering sound as the raindrops hit the pavement outside. He sat alone at his piano in the dim light of the spare room, a mug of tea clutched in his hands. He didn’t want to think what ungodly hour it must be, he just knew he wasn’t getting to sleep. He could hear the dim buzz of the TV coming from the lounge so he knew Mark must still be up. But for some reason he didn’t feel like joining him. He and Mark hadn’t been spending all that much time together of late, both too busy and too distracted to be able to pay one another much attention. Gary didn’t think too much of it though, accepting that there were just too many other things crowding both his life and his mind.
For the millionth time that night he glanced up at the picture frame which was sitting on top of his piano. It was a recent addition to the room. He had had the frame for a long time but he’d always kept it in the lounge with the other photographs, slightly crowded out, slightly forgotten. Until recently that is. Until all this worry had set in. The picture was both an inspiration and a reassurance to him for those times when he was worrying so much about doing the wrong thing that he couldn’t bring himself to play a note, never mind compose a whole song. He couldn’t understand where it had come from. He had been so sure for so long, had been so convinced. And he still was. But he knew Jason wasn’t. Not that Jason would admit it. Gary’s blue eyes glimmered fondly as he thought of Jason’s noble silence. That man still smiled at him now just as warmly as he smiled down at him from the photo frame. The picture in question had been taken decades ago, when Jason and Gary had barely known each other for more than ten seconds. All that stuff people say in the movies about ‘just knowing’ instantly that someone is going to change your life – Gary wasn’t having any of it. Of course there had been a mutual respect there, an informal warmth between the two of them; you could tell as much from the way Jason had casually slung one arm around Gary’s shoulders, the other outstretched in a grand gesture of some sort, whilst Gary himself was pulling a face of mild bemusement. It was all so lazily friendly. But Gary hadn’t thought for one minute it was anything special. Not at that point anyway. And yet, with hindsight, he could see that Jason had been just that; something special. Jason had endured years of being his life-coach, not that he seemed to mind that much. Which was exactly where the problem lay, wasn’t it? Jason had helped him towards all this, hadn’t he? Jason had been the one who had built his confidence back up again until the day finally came that Gary had decided he really could do it. But, on the other hand, it had never been Jason’s dream. And didn’t Gary owe Jason’s hopes and fears a certain amount of respect? A certain amount of duty? All those years of Jason helping support Gary’s hopes and dreams, and yet here Gary was, still ploughing onwards with those same hopes and dreams of his, still not being able to find the balance between what he wanted and what he owed his friend.
“You still up?” Mark’s voice made Gary jump slightly and he turned around to see Mark hovering in the doorway. The smaller man smiled at him, padding into the room and placing a kiss to his cheek before glancing up to see what Gary had been looking at. He nodded, as if in realisation, before turning his head to look back into Gary’s eyes.
“Couldn’t sleep,” Gary told him with a shrug. He felt guilty worrying like this. He knew Mark wanted this to happen almost as much as he did, that he was excited to the point of distraction, and he knew that all his agonising was only serving to make Mark feel frustrated.
“Me neither. Just coz I’m so nervous and excited I guess, my mind won’t stop thinking about it – it just races every time I close my eyes. Good job I’m on afternoons at the caff, I can have a lie-in tomorrow to make up for it. You could join me you know? Let Jay open up and cover for you? I’m sure Howard will help him...” Mark suggested, eyes dancing brightly. Gary looked up and gave him a fond yet tired smile.
“Don’t you think I ask enough of the poor bloke already?” he asked and Mark tilted his head sympathetically, stroking his hands absent-mindedly through Gary’s blonde hair.
“Gaz, you know Jay! He’s no pushover. He wouldn’t do it if he really truly had a problem,” he said softly, planting a kiss to Gary’s temple before perching himself precariously on the piano stool next to him. Gary sighed and looked down at his hands.
“We’re not talking about opening up the shop anymore are we,” he murmured with a wry smile.
“No. Guess not. But I mean it – if he didn’t think this was something he could live with, he wouldn’t be agreeing to it,” Mark assured him gently, cupping his cheek in his hand.
“I know it’s just...what if he’s only grinning and bearing it because he feels a sense of duty to me? Because he thinks I’ve been a good friend to him so he feels he has to return the favour? I’ve helped where I can but...but not enough. I shouldn’t just expect him to always drop everything for me, best mates or not! And...and this is about to turn his and Howard’s lives upside-down, a prospect I’m not sure either of them are looking forward to,” Gary told Mark slowly. If he was honest, this was more than just mere speculation on his part. Howard had implied as much. He and Howard had gotten a lot closer of late. Whilst Gary and Mark had been pulled in somewhat different directions by life over the past few months, Jason and Howard had made a conscious effort to not allow such a thing to happen to them. Gary supposed it was a symptom of the end of their brief troubles earlier that year, and he had to admit that the two of them seemed to be stronger than ever, more in tune with each other than he had realised two people could ever be. The effect for Gary had been that Howard had been around him almost as much as Jason, and he and Howard often found themselves chatting to each other about life when Jason was called away to help someone find the 2010 edition of ‘Cello For Beginners’ or locate an original vinyl copy of a ‘Derek and the Dominoes’ album. Howard let slip things that Jason wouldn’t – marginally less noble and ever-concerned for his husband’s happiness. It was largely because of Howard that Gary knew that Jason and Howard weren’t exactly walking on sunshine about all this. Not that Jason made much effort to tell him otherwise, he just avoided the topic altogether.
“Me and you have wanted this forever. And we have two friends who are willing to come along with us for the ride. Who knows, maybe they’ll find it’s something they wanted all along. You just never know. Howard is Mister Go-With-The-Flow anyway. And Jay’s only worried coz it’s his job to worry,” Mark promised Gary with another quick kiss. Gary smiled and nodded.
“Hmm...maybe you’re right. Anyway, I’m not going to make Jay open up alone again, so I need to get to bed. You coming or you staying up a bit longer?” Gary asked, pushing himself up from the piano stool before looking expectantly at Mark. Mark shrugged idly and turned to the piano, playing a quiet tune for a moment before looking back into Gary’s eyes.
“Later maybe,” he smiled quietly and with that Gary left him, suddenly desperate for a deep and dreamless sleep.
***
“You feeling any better?” Jason asked Howard gently, looking up as his husband finally emerged into the living area, damp and smelling overpoweringly of citrus, and yet, for some reason, still feeling the weight of his late finish the night before. Howard wrinkled his nose and groaned, still rubbing at a crick in his neck and stifling a yawn. He always felt rough after jobs at that place and he didn’t know why he’d expected this morning to be any different.
“I’m getting too old for this,” he grumbled good-naturedly. Jason smiled at him, his eyes full of sympathy as he left the kitchen and placed his tender hands on Howard’s neck.
“Poor love,” he said softly, kissing Howard’s cheek and stroking his thumbs against his skin. Howard instantly felt a tremor of well-being from Jason’s light touch and he took his husband into a steady embrace, kissing the crook of his neck, then his cheek, then firmly pressing their lips together.
“Urgh, do you two ever give it a rest! It’s the morning for God’s sake!” a voice cut through the tender moment and Howard looked over to see his daughter pulling herself up into one of the stools at the breakfast bar. He shot his daughter a warning glance and was tempted to snap back at her but Jason, of course, dealt with her with his usual patience. Howard was grateful for the intervention, as he really wasn’t up to an argument.
“Sweetheart, my advice would be; slightly less of the lip or I will give your father full permission to eat your breakfast as well as his own. He’s had a rough night, he could probably use either the nourishment of two breakfasts, or the good behaviour of his daughter. Which do you think would be best?” Jason said calmly, a note of quiet reprimand in his voice that got Grace’s attention immediately. Jason folded his arms and raised an eyebrow and she smiled at him sheepishly.
“Sorry...I just hate being back at school again is all,” she mumbled and Jason nodded, apparently satisfied, before looking back up at Howard.
“You ok?” he asked gently and Howard nodded slowly.
“Ask me again when I’ve got some food down me,” he replied with a grin and Jason laughed, moving away from Howard’s embrace and back towards the kitchen. Howard felt that rush of wellbeing leaving him as soon as Jason’s contact was lost and he sat down quickly to try and recover himself.
Luckily for Howard, nothing seemed to get past Jason. His husband shot him a knowing and concerned glance as he served up the food. Once Grace had slunk off to eat hers on the sofa, Jason placed his hand gently on top of Howard’s and as their eyes met Jason flashed Howard a kind smile.
“Should we change our surnames to ‘Brave Face’ and have done?” he asked playfully and Howard chuckled, tilting his head to one side as if to consider it.
“Perhaps. Or maybe you should try taking my last name, see if it relaxes you any,” he replied.
“Hmm, maybe. Us in the Orange family are all somewhat highly strung...in our own unique ways...” Jason mused with a slight crease of his brow. Howard grinned, mischief coming alive in his eyes.
“Somewhat?!” he teased and Jason swatted at him.
“Shush you...anyway, why have you never pressed me about that?” he frowned and Howard looked up at him in confusion, setting aside his morning coffee and resting his chin on his hand.
“Pressed you about what exactly?” he said as Jason leant on the breakfast bar in a mirror of Howard’s own pose.
“About not taking your name,” he shrugged and Howard smiled softly.
“Coz I know that your family are a part of who you are, and I know that fact is important to you. In any case, you agreed to put up with me for the rest of your life, I figured the least I could do was not drag your name into the mud as well,” he grinned, eyes twinkling roguishly. For a moment Jason smiled at him thoughtfully, looking into his eyes with the sort of love Howard was proud to know was only for him. Silently Jason pushed Howard’s breakfast out of the way, leaning across the breakfast bar enough to tug Howard towards him, burying his hand in Howard’s hair as he gave him a slow, tender kiss. Howard smiled as they pulled back, raising an eyebrow.
“And what was that for...?” he asked and Jason laughed softly.
“Just...just for being you,” he shrugged in response.
“I think you’ll find I’m me all the time love,” Howard chuckled, cupping Jason’s cheek in his hand.
“Guess that makes you a very lucky man then,” Jason suggested, blue eyes glittering.
“That much I was already aware of,” Howard agreed with a slight incline of his head, giving Jason a brief kiss on the cheek before sitting back and pulling his breakfast towards him once more. Jason paused for a moment, chewing his lip, a thoughtful expression gracing his features.
“I’m sorry...” he said suddenly, soft and quiet and looking down at his hands. Howard stopped, reaching across and touching Jason’s chin lightly with his fingertips, tipping his head up to look him in the eye.
“Sorry? What would make you think I needed an apology?” he asked gently and Jason smiled.
“For not taking you up on your offer last night. I know we haven’t talked all that much about what’s going on...” he began but Howard waved him off.
“Don’t be silly Jay, I know you, I can guess what’s on your mind. And I know it’s got nothing to do with not thinking you can talk to me or not wanting to trust me. You just like to get stuff sorted in your own head before you try and deal with it with the help of someone else’s,” he smiled. Jason looked at him a moment, his head on one side, a small smile tugging at the very corner of his lips.
“You are so easy to love sometimes,” he sighed and Howard chuckled.
“Yeah, but sometimes I make it a bit harder,” he winked. Jason shook his head and laughed.
“In any case I...I think I do want to talk. I think tonight, when we’ve dropped madam over there off at her mum’s, you and me should go out, somewhere nice. And we should talk about this. And we should make a final decision. What do you say?” he asked after a pause and Howard nodded thoughtfully.
“I say...yes, as long as it’s definitely what you want,” he agreed with a smile.
“It is. You know everything about me Howard, even the stuff I don’t tell you. What good’s it doing me driving myself mad discussing it with myself when you already understand?” Jason told him.
“Well when you put it like that!” Howard teased and Jason laughed, turning to pick up his keys before looking back at Howard with a guilty smile.
“As much as I’m enjoying our morning banter love, I really have to get going. I’ll see you after the school run’s over though, yeah?” he sighed, shrugging his bag onto his shoulder and giving Howard a quick peck on the cheek. Howard smiled up at him.
“Definitely, someone needs to make the tea for you and Gaz, eh?” he nodded and Jason smiled, giving him one more peck on the cheek for good measure before heading off towards the door.
“Later Jay!” Grace called from the sofa and Jason paused by the door to give her a mock salute. Howard watched the exchange with mild amusement and then, just as Jason tugged on the door handle, a thought occurred to him.
“Hey! Jay!” he said suddenly, turning on his stool as his husband looked over his shoulder at him.
“Yeah?” Jason frowned.
“Why did you never press me?” Howard asked with a grin and Jason laughed. He shrugged idly, pulling open the door and shooting Howard a glowing smile.
“Coz I think we worked out a long time ago that I will always be the woman in this relationship,” he said, his eyes still shining, before heading off, leaving Howard quietly chuckling as the door closed behind him.
***
The bell on the shop door jangled loudly as Gary half-tumbled across the threshold, brushing helplessly at his dripping wet hair and sodden coat, muttering about Manchester whether and alarm clocks. Howard chuckled from his place on the stairs and Jason, who was leaning against the banister, simply watched the sight with amusement, taking a calm sip of his tea and tilting his head to one side in thought.
“Afternoon Barlow...you’re dripping on the floorboards,” he remarked at last and Gary shot him a withering glance. Jason flashed him a dazzling smile and Gary couldn’t help but soften.
“Slept through my alarm. Rough night,” he sighed, trying to shrug himself free of his coat but getting tangled up in the sleeves.
“I guessed as much. Don’t worry, I’ll have my beautiful assistant here make you up a brew in a minute,” Jason replied, nodding his head towards Howard. His voice was laced with the sort of sympathy that warmed Gary’s heart. Jason’s capacity for understanding never failed to touch him – he appreciated it, though he wasn’t sure he told that to Jason as much as he ought to. Gary felt a pang of something he couldn’t place as he thought that, something that was somewhere between guilt and fear. But he pushed it to the back of his mind, soothing himself with the trusted mantra of ‘He wouldn’t do it if he didn’t want to’ turning over in his mind.
“Beautiful? You sure about that?!” Gary joked with a tight laugh and Jason pursed his lips, suppressing a smile as he pushed himself up from the banister.
“Completely confident of it thank you,” he remarked coolly before finishing off the dregs of his tea and moving towards the back room.
“No Mark today?” Howard inquired as his husband disappeared from view and Gary sighed.
“No...he still has about a year’s worth of shift-swaps and last-minute absences to make up for. He was still asleep when I left, thank goodness! I’d have had hell to pay if I woke him up before it was absolutely necessary,” he shrugged with a wry smile. Howard pulled a face.
“Ah, he would have forgiven you eventually,” he countered and Gary arched an eyebrow.
“Maybe, but why risk the fight in the first place?” he shot back.
“Gotta be worth it just to be talking to him though, eh?” Howard smiled, not looking at Gary as he said it but instead staring absently into his mug.
At that moment, Jason emerged from the piano room, a fluffy towel in his hand and a kindly look in his eyes. Howard and Gary both turned to look at him expectantly and he shrugged.
“You’d be amazed at the things I have in those cupboards,” he grinned. Gary had to admit, he had spent little time looking in the cupboards of the shop’s tiny back-room-come-kitchen. He knew where the ingredients for his tea were and he knew where the biscuit tin was, beyond that he left Jason in charge, spending more of his time in the adjoining piano room instead.
“Knowing you, something for every eventuality,” Howard teased gently. Jason pulled a face then chucked the towel in Gary’s direction.
“Freshly washed – I like to keep my house in order after all” he informed Gary with a proud little nod and Gary laughed at him as the towel hit him square in the face.
“Then what on earth are you married to that one for?!” he joked, jabbing a thumb at Howard and removing the towel from his face slowly. Jason paused a moment, his eyes twinkling softly as he cast a brief glance over to Howard. Howard’s eyes met his instantly and they shared a moment that Gary almost felt he ought to look away from it was so intimate. Then Jason turned his smiling eyes back to Gary and he shrugged.
“You know...he’s just nice to have around the place,” he said with a grin and Gary grinned back at him before starting to dry off his rain-soaked hair and face. When he finally finished, his hair was sticking up at a thousand different angles and was tentatively frizzy, a few stray raindrops still decorating his forehead. He looked between Jason and Howard for a moment then grinned brightly and folded his arms.
“Did someone say something about a brew?!” he asked hopefully. Jason rolled his eyes and sighed, turning back towards the piano room and waving a dismissive hand at Howard.
“Don’t worry love, I’ll get the boss his tea since I’m up already – you know it’s just want, want, want with you Barlow!” he called airily over his shoulder and Gary threw the towel after him.
Howard’s quiet smile lingered a while after Jason had gone and Gary watched him thoughtfully before turning to hang up his coat and coming to join him on the stairs.
“And what are you smiling about Donald?” he smirked, elbowing Howard gently in the side.
“The fact he got out the right side of bed this morning,” Howard shot back with a wink. Gary nodded slowly. He could detect the note of seriousness that touched Howard’s mischief. This was the thing Gary found so hard to explain to Mark. It wasn’t that Mark didn’t care about Jason’s feelings – of course he did, he had a big heart did Mark and his friends meant the world to him. But Mark didn’t get to see the genuine fear that was at the root of Jason’s worries. Because he wasn’t around the shop that often of late he didn’t get to see that look in Jason’s eyes, hear that concern in Howard’s voice. And, even more importantly, he missed out on all those silent moments Howard and Jason shared; the smiles and the banter and the glances that spelt out to Gary so clearly that the two of them had found that place they absolutely wanted to be in for life. When Gary had married Mark, he had been just as convinced that he had found his place in the world, that he didn’t want any aspect of his life to be disrupted. If Jason had walked in at that moment and asked him to turn his life upside-down, would he have done it? Gary wrinkled his nose at his own question .
“You make that sound like a rare occurrence...” he sighed, looking down at his hands. Neither he nor Howard could ignore the pause that elapsed between them.
“Oh I wouldn’t say that. He always has a smile for me in the morning,” Howard tried at last. Gary chuckled slightly and raised an eyebrow, looking Howard in the eye.
“Ah but that’s just it, the smile is for you. What if it weren’t for you, eh?” he questioned.
“You give me far too much credit,” Howard deflected, looking away. Gary let out a long sigh.
“Mm, and you don’t give yourself enough. You are both still up for this aren’t you? And don’t fob me off here, I want to know Howard,” he murmured. Howard smiled a strange smile that seemed somehow broken and faraway.
“Gaz, mate...no offence, but if you really, really wanted to know? You’d be asking Jay all this,” he said, putting a hand on Gary’s shoulder before getting up and heading towards the back room.
Chapter Two
Mark sat on the counter, swinging his legs in time with the music playing on the radio, getting in everyone’s way. Laura and Clare exchanged amused glances across the cafe, rolling their eyes before turning back to their cleaning duties.
“Mark, sweetie, why don’t you get home to that husband of yours? We can finish cleaning up here...” Laura offered, putting down her cloth and blowing strands of her blonde hair out of her face. Clare laughed, continuing to wipe down tables.
“Aw, Laura, leave him be. He’ll be gone soon!” she reminded, eyes dancing slightly sadly.
“Don’t say it like that, you make it sound like I’m dying or something!” Mark pouted, hopping down off the counter and picking up his broom once more.
“Well you might as well be for all we’ll hear of you! You won’t be thinking of poor old Laura and Clare when you’re selling out Wembley!” Clare sniffed over-dramatically and Laura laughed at her.
“Shove off Clare, course he will, Mark’s lovely! Mark will remember us – won’t you sweetie?” she asked as she continued to scrub away at the glass of the cake-display, trying to ignore what was left of the day’s cakes lying inside. Mark swept away at the floor for a moment, pretending he cared about cleaning before quickly deciding he couldn’t keep up the pretence and happily ditching the broom. He swung himself into one of the chairs and flashed the girls his sparkling grin.
“If you get me some cake then I promise to remember you...backstage passes and all!” he laughed. Both girls stilled looking at each other for a moment before a frantic scramble occurred. Clare vaulted a couple of chairs and Laura almost slipped as she tried to get around the counter. Mark giggled, shaking his head softly and resting his chin on his hand as he watched them. Of course he would like to think that it was their keenness to keep his friendship that caused the chaos, but he knew the girls too well; it was all about the cake. Their cake parties had become something of a tradition recently, with Mark spending more time at the cafe and Clare and Laura being bubbly sorts who couldn’t resist a natter and loved their little Markie (they were both six foot stunners and they dwarfed him, causing them to treat him a little bit like a pet.)
In no time the three of them were seated in the middle of the cafe, giggling like naughty school children and nattering about how unwise it was of their boss to trust them to lock up. Mark was glad of the change of topic. He was excited, he really was, but he also couldn’t help but feel as though he was caught up in the middle of a whirlwind. He knew it was going to take him somewhere nice and lovely and he wanted to go...he just wished he could have a gentler ride. And then there was the other little detail...the one he’d failed to mention to anyone, the one even Gary wasn’t fretting about – although maybe it was Gary who should fret about it more than anyone. Strange how one little phone call could tip the entire world on its side. Everything Mark had thought was perfect had become skew-whiff, cracks and gaps and poorly concealed water-damage revealed and exposed. The sun was too hot and the showers drowned him. That was what happened when you questioned life’s certainties he supposed. He didn’t know what to do about it, who to confide in. He thought maybe the best thing to do was let the world run its course without interference – if he was meant to change direction it would happen by itself. The only problem with that was that Mark was bad at keeping secrets. In fact, the only way he could keep them was if he avoided those he was keeping them from. Time with Gary became strained. Time with Howard and Jason became almost none-existent. Luckily he found that life threw up enough things to keep him distracted with; work was mad, his other friends hardly left him alone, Gary was concerned with his music and his duty to Jason and a million other things Mark hadn’t had the time to ask him about.
Laura noticed Mark’s distant expression and looked at him in concern. Clare followed her gaze and smiled fondly, giving Mark a gentle prod in the side.
“Earth to Owen – where did you go just then?” she teased and Laura’s eyes flashed playfully.
“Down the road to that bloody music shop, at a guess!” she laughed, big-voiced and sparkly as ever.
“Oh – well you would know!” Clare shot back before Mark could retort for himself.
“What?!” Laura gasped, just that little bit too outraged to be believed, and Mark laughed.
“Own up Laura, me and Mark both know you’ve got it bad for Howard!” Clare smiled radiantly, grasping Mark’s upper arm tightly so as to demonstrate their united front.
“And you’ve had your tongue down his husband’s throat but I don’t tease you about it!” Laura pouted, her eyes narrowed a little in mock-challenge to Clare. Mark almost choked on his cake.
“Woah – seriously?!” he asked Clare in shock. Clare shrugged casually, a shy smile on her red lips.
“Howard said I could! Anyway, Laura’s exaggerating!! It was just a little kiss – and no tongues were involved!” she giggled, pretending to inspect her nails. Mark looked to Laura for explanation.
“It was her birthday. We went in to look for you but you and Piano Man had left Jason in charge. She’d been hankering after a birthday present from you, Jay said that’s what you’d just gone out to buy and asked if he could get her anything instead...” Laura elaborated and Clare looked up.
“Long story short; I asked him for a kiss. Howard was there and, when I didn’t claim my birthday present right away, he gave his consent...” she beamed and Laura laughed sharply.
“And she practically knocked Jay backwards!” she put in and Clare stuck her tongue out. Mark simply laughed, shaking his head.
“Mm, that sounds like Howard and Jay. I don’t understand them two sometimes; they adore each other but spend half their lives flirting with other people...and the other half bickering!” he sighed.
“Well luckily for you it’s not their relationship you have to understand, it’s your own! How is Gaz? I haven’t seen him around for a while,” Laura asked him, collecting the plates and moving to clear up.
“Hectic schedules...that’s another thing I never understand about Howard and Jay actually...Howard’s job is late nights and Jay’s is early mornings, they both have huge families, Howard has a kid...and yet they always find time! Even more since all that drama they had this year,” Mark frowned, raking his fingers through his hair. Clare raised an elegant eyebrow.
“Jealous?” she enquired, gently and tenderly. Mark smiled and shrugged off her enquiry.
“Nah, just impressed. And missing them a bit actually, mind if I leave you to finish closing up so I can pop over there?” he asked and Clare laughed.
“Course we don’t! You weren’t really helping us much anyway!” she teased and Mark stuck his tongue out at her before dashing off to grab his coat from the back.
***
Gary stifled a yawn as he pushed himself up from the piano. Jason had had the kindness to deal with most of the day’s customers and Howard had been good enough to supply tea at regular intervals (though Gary suspected this was largely under prompt from his husband) and all in all he felt he owed the pair the chance to knock off early. He stretched as he made his way through the shop, which was getting alarmingly dusty, and crossed the squeaking floorboards into the side room where Jason and Howard were bantering quietly.
“You’re a daft git, you know that?” Jason sighed as he scribbled something onto a piece of paper. He was stood behind the counter, a tiny crease of concentration touching his forehead as he crossed something out, his free hand resting affectionately at the nape of his husband’s neck. Howard himself was sat on the counter, a magazine on his lap, a pout on his lips. Gary suspected another technology row – in the Orange-Donald household technology seemed to be a frequent point of contention.
“You’ve told me that before, and I’m beginning to think you don’t actually mind that much,” Howard countered, not looking up from his magazine. Gary couldn’t help but notice that Jason’s expression was the perfect match to Howard’s without their eyes even having to meet.
“And what makes you so sure?” Jason smirked with pursed lips, underlining something on the paper with a flourish before continuing on with his scribbling. Howard casually flicked to the next page of the magazine and smiled quietly to himself.
“Well you did marry me love,” he pointed out and Jason’s eyes shone.
“Hmm...I did wonder why you kept turning up in my bed,” he murmured, finally looking up. Howard seemed to sense his movement as he turned slightly, just in time for Jason to press a brief kiss to his lips. As their lips parted, Jason winked wordlessly at Howard and, just like that, they turned back to what they had been doing.
“Just seems like a bit of an oversight on your part, that’s all,” Howard said after a moment of silence. Jason shook his head and tried to conceal his amusement.
“Oh really? So you won’t mind sleeping on the sofa tonight then?” he asked casually.
“I never said that,” Howard frowned, turning another page of his magazine.
“Anyway, it’s all your fault. You proposed. I did warn you I was a basket case,” Jason shrugged quickly in response. Howard let out a small chuckle.
“Love is blind,” he shot back and Jason narrowed his eyes slightly.
“So much for ‘you’re not a basket case, just a very thoughtful human being’ then,” he remarked dryly, chewing his pencil.
“But you are a basket case! I’ll have you under the Trade Descriptions Act if you become a ‘very thoughtful human being’ instead,” Howard contested, his nose wrinkled.
“Well now you’re definitely not allowed to buy them,” Jason laughed triumphantly.
“Spoil sport,” Howard pouted.
“You still love me though,” Jason said airily.
“Just a little bit,” Howard confessed.
When the two still didn’t look up Gary decided it was probably time he stopped spying on them and made his presence known so he cleared his throat.
“Lovers’ tiff?” he teased, leaning on the frame of the archway and bringing Howard and Jason’s gazes up to him. Jason laughed and rolled his eyes.
“He wants new speakers. I like the nice Stone Age speakers we have now,” he explained.
“Ah, the gadget-freak and the technophobe, the most forbidden of all forbidden loves!” Gary nodded, trying to sound wise.
“Eh, they say it won’t work but they’re just jealous,” Howard winked. Jason looked at him a moment, folding his arms.
“You’re still not buying them! Not unless you’re ok with going without food, water, electricity or heat for the next few months,” he warned. Howard let out a groan of protest.
“Ok fine. How about I pull out the page, put it on the fridge, you can get ‘em me for Christmas?” he asked hopefully. Gary could see Jason wavering then. Because everyone knew what a good job Howard had done for Jason’s birthday and Gary suspected Jason was naturally inclined to feel he owed Howard something pretty spectacular in return. See, Howard had managed to get Jason a birthday present that put everyone else’s efforts to shame. He had bought their apartment. Gary could still remember when Jason had first found the place. The rent was exorbitant, but when Jason had shown it to Gary and Mark they had both known Jason had no choice but to move in there. It was as if it had been built for him; those windows were the detail that sold it completely. Gary knew Jason took great pride in the place, he loved it and it made him happy in a funny sort of way. It was for that reason that, when Jason had let him move in, Gary had known Howard Donald was the illusive ‘one’ for Jason. After all, Jason was very protective of that apartment of his, and only a chosen few were allowed to cross the threshold. But the one thing that frustrated Jason about the place? It wasn’t technically his. So when he found himself married, happy and healthy...the apartment had become the one thing that wasn’t quite complete. And Howard had fixed that. It had taken him all of May to make sure it was possible; he’d taken on gig after gig, done handy-work where he could find it and he’d even sold some of his marginally less used gadgets. He hadn’t told Jason why he was on the go so much, though he had made sure to lavish attention on him whenever possible so as to make up for it. And, to Gary’s great admiration, even after everything that had happened that March, Jason had trusted Howard wholly and completely. He’d been rewarded for doing so. On the morning of Jason’s birthday Howard had presented him with the deeds to the apartment with a tray of breakfast in bed, topped with a rose (Howard was a soppy devil at heart) and it was safe to say that the breakfast in bed had gone cold by the time Jason and Howard had finished officially christening the apartment as their very own property.
“Howard Paul Donald – I think you’re trying to guilt trip me,” Jason announced casually and Gary smirked, shaking his head.
“But love, it’s just so easy to do!” Howard teased, giving Jason a brief peck on the cheek.
Before Jason could protest, the shop’s bell jangled and the three men turned to see who had entered. Mark smiled broadly at them when he saw them, his brown hair windswept and his jacket hanging off him as though he had just run down the street.
“Well I was just about to let you two go home, now I think maybe we should all stick around and marvel at the rare sight of Mark actually inside the shop!” Gary chuckled as Mark came to join them and Jason smiled warmly. Howard gave Mark a mock-salute.
“Hello stranger,” he said brightly. Mark mock-saluted back and nodded.
“Hello...Horace is it? How’s things?” he grinned.
“The name’s Howard actually, and you know, still trying to make this one love me,” Howard joked in reply, giving Jason puppy-dog eyes and getting cuffed lightly around the head for his troubles.
“Trying and failing I see,” Mark laughed and Jason rolled his eyes.
“Hey, you’d swat at him too if you had to put up with his nonsense every day of the week!” he sighed. Mark arched an eyebrow.
“Well you married him!” he pointed out. Jason simply shook his head and threw his arms up in mock despair as Howard laughed smugly into his magazine.
“So everyone keeps reminding me,” Jason lamented jokingly.
“You didn’t just marry him, you chose to renew the bloody vows,” Gary put in with a chuckle and Howard turned to look at Jason with twinkling eyes.
“Basket case,” he added with a cheeky nod and Jason pursed his lips a little, blue eyes smiling.
“You’d miss me if I ran away,” he said, his eyes lingering on Howard a moment before he swept his gaze across Gary and Mark to include them in the warning.
“You know I think you two were bickering last time all four of us were in the same place as well...” Mark smiled and Jason shrugged.
“It’s what we have to resort to since we see so much of each other. You and Gaz try running on the same timetable for a bit...you might be surprised what you find,” he told them, exchanging an unreadable glance with Howard. Howard smiled back at him, putting down his magazine and standing up with sudden purpose.
“Leaving?” Gary enquired.
“Well you said something about letting us go early didn’t you? And I do need to be off soon; I have a daughter to deliver to her mother and a husband to wine and dine,” he told Gary with a grin.
“And here was me thinking you married me so you didn’t have to wine me and dine me anymore,” Jason teased gently.
“Go on then, get out of my shop, the pair of you! Can’t be doing with all this bloody flirting!” Gary chuckled.
“Aw, love’s young dream!” Mark chimed in as Jason shrugged on his coat and Howard offered out his hand to him.
“Presuming love’s young dream was middle aged and squabbled a lot,” Gary put in. Jason gestured at them rather rudely, his eyes dancing with warmth as they both smothered their smirks.
“Come on love,” Howard chuckled, tugging Jason gently in the direction of the door.
Once they were out of the shop Jason leant slightly against Howard’s arm and Howard looked down at him in questioning, his blue eyes concerned at Jason’s sudden need for support.
“I don’t want things to change Howard,” he whispered. Howard smiled at him sadly.
“Me neither,” he admitted, squeezing Jason’s hand tightly.
Chapter Three
“If we get mugged, I’m handing you right over,” Jason smiled up at his husband as they walked, breaking the romance of his and Howard’s moonlit stroll. Howard chuckled, though he still kept Jason pulled close, and placed a gentle kiss to his temple. There were flecks of silver in Jason’s bright eyes and his breath formed a circling mist when it hit the cold night air. They wandered along the quiet pathway, taking the long way back to the car so the night could last that little bit longer.
“I don’t blame you; I have car keys, an iPod, a phone, some fancy headphones that cost more than some people’s houses and keys to a pricey apartment full of all manner of other gadgets, all about my person. But I still can’t help but think you’re avoiding the issue,” Howard said at last, his voice soft and gravelly. Jason smiled faintly and Howard gave his hand a kind squeeze.
“I’m a master of avoidance aren’t I?” he mused, looking down at their feet. Howard chuckled and shook his head, pulling him away from the path towards a bench. Jason followed without protest; implicit of a trust that Howard couldn’t help but take pride in. The two of them sat down on the frozen bench and Jason tucked his legs around, fitting himself into Howard’s side.
“You don’t have to talk,” Howard whispered, squeezing Jason tightly, protectively.
“But I will. Just coz it’s you,” Jason replied quietly, playing with the buttons on Howard’s coat and resting his head wearily against his shoulder. Howard rested his own head on top of Jason’s.
“Would it help if I talked first?” he asked and Jason smiled.
“Yes,” he nodded slowly and Howard sighed thoughtfully. A long pause elapsed, Jason still playing with the buttons, Howard watching him, his arm firm around his shoulders, a defensive message to the rest of the world.
“I’m happy,” Howard told Jason at last and, to his relief, Jason looked up at him with understanding.
“Go on,” he murmured and the corner of Howard’s lips twitched up.
“I’m happy. I’m happier than all the other times in my life when I thought I was happy. I’m that sort of happy where I’m prepared to say that I’m done now. All I want to do now is be able to stop, enjoy it, watch Grace grow up and just...be,” Howard replied quietly. Jason’s eyes shone in the dim light.
“The job, the home, the husband, the life,” he agreed, his voice so soft it barely formed mist.
“Exactly. And going to London would turn half of that stuff upside-down,” Howard shrugged. Jason pushed himself up enough to give Howard’s cheek a small kiss.
“The job would go and the home might have to...but the husband wouldn’t, I promise,” he smiled gently and Howard looked down at him, his arm tightening further around Jason’s shoulders.
“Ah but I would have to share him. And you want to know something really stupid? I think that’s actually the part I’d hate the most,” he said honestly, Jason’s eyes looking up at him unblinkingly.
“You’re such a caveman,” Jason teased, a tender smile on his lips and no trace of disapproval in his eyes. Howard let out a low chuckle and shrugged.
“Maybe I am...maybe that’s my trouble,” he sighed, chewing his lip and looking away. Jason stared at him for an age after that, silent and thoughtful. Wordlessly he reached his hand up to Howard’s cheek, gently turning his face to look back at him and then kissing him. The kiss was slow but loving and Howard pulled Jason so close that he was almost on his lap by the end. Jason’s hands were now buried in his hair and as he pulled back he wrapped his fingers in the dark curls.
“You’re perfect,” he said simply, leaning back just enough to look into Howard’s eyes.
“Your turn,” Howard replied with a grin. Jason laughed softly, settling himself back against Howard’s shoulder and taking a deep breath.
“So let’s review shall we?” he said, his voice a little shaky. Howard nodded.
“Take it away,” he agreed.
“We’ve got this life for ourselves all sorted, just right, we’re both happy...and something amazing happens to us and we’re such stuffy gits we can’t just be excited about it like normal people,” Jason stated, a small frown touching his forehead. Howard smiled.
“Is it? Amazing I mean...” he asked distantly. Jason shrugged.
“A record deal? There are a lot of people out there who’d kill for one. And Gaz and Mark...they’ve both battled for this...” he sighed, his voice devoid of enthusiasm.
“But I’ve battled for us,” Howard pointed out. Jason smiled at that, his eyes suddenly dancing with life. Howard loved the way he could make Jason’s eyes dance. He was sure it was his only truly special talent.
“We both have,” Jason whispered at last with a slight incline of his head.
“But what about you, what do you want?” Howard pressed.
“You know what I want Howard and you know it’s not any bloody trips to London to negotiate a deal for fame and fortune. What I want is tea and biscuits with you on the stairs before work. I want arguing about what to watch on Saturday nights in. I want windows that always have at least one smudge on them for me to clean off. I want to get woken up at ungodly hours of the night coz you’ve only just knocked off work. And I want to go to Sunday lunches where you help my entire family take the piss for an afternoon. But I want my two best mates to be there too...” Jason explained, chewing the inside of his cheek and looking down at his hands. Howard kissed his temple soothingly.
“Gaz already knows more or less...he’d understand...” he tried.
“But Howard he’s my best mate, I’m supposed to tell him to follow his dreams, not stand in the way of them,” Jason groaned, closing his eyes, and Howard knew that was the end of it. Truth be told he felt the same way. He just couldn’t help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, Gary wasn’t actually chasing the right dream. He squeezed Jason once more, planting a kiss into his hair.
The two fell into a resigned silence. Jason buried his face in Howard’s coat and Howard looked down at him, his eyes fierce and protective, his heartbeat faltering and nervous. He’d known what Jason was thinking really, of course he had. It was his responsibility to understand Jason in a way no one else could ever hope to and it was a responsibility he took very seriously. But both he and Jason could feel a little bit of weight had been lifted from their shoulders by stating more clearly exactly where they stood.
“Where will be we this time next week I wonder...” Howard mumbled at last. Jason smiled sadly and looked up into Howard’s face. He kissed his cheek once then looked quietly into his eyes.
“With each other,” he replied with conviction. And Howard couldn’t help but smile, because he knew that that much, at least, would be true.
***
Mark sat alone in the lounge, tucked up tightly on the small window ledge so he could overlook the street below. The wind was whispering between the buildings and a cat was chasing a leaf up and down the pavement whilst the street lamp at the end of the road flashed on and off. Not that Mark was taking any of it in, his mind was drifting about somewhere in his past. In his hand he held his phone and he stroked his thumb over it, thoughtful and absent all at once. He had a little card burning a hole in his coat pocket, the number scribbled across it in cagey handwriting. But luckily his coat was over the back of one the chairs in the kitchen, far too far away from his current perch to be raided. Besides, it was a stupid time of night to phone someone. Who was up at this time except criminals, worriers and insomniacs? In other words; half the world. But who was up and willing to talk? That was a different question entirely. And then Mark frowned. He could be slow sometimes, he mused, instantly turning his attention to his mobile and scrolling down the contacts. He was friends with England’s leading Wordsmith and part-time Night Owl. Jason would talk to him.
Jason’s phone vibrated against the kitchen worktop, drawing Howard and Jason’s attention to it instantly. Jason pulled a face and, throwing the tea-towel he was holding over his shoulder, he reached over to scoop the mobile up, keeping one hand on the cupboard door as he attempted to get his and Howard’s mugs out. From his place on the sofa Howard smiled affectionately at his husband’s multitasking, watching as Jason picked up the phone and trapped it between his ear and his shoulder then effortlessly spun around and grabbed the kettle, seemingly in a single move. Jason could be at ten places at once if need be, Howard thought with smirk.
“Hello?” Jason asked, shooting Howard a smile as he caught him watching. Howard winked back and Jason had to turn back to the tea so as not to get distracted.
“I haven’t woken you up have I Jay?” Mark asked quickly and Jason chuckled kindly.
“No one ever does Mark,” he joked, carefully pouring out the hot water from the kettle.
“I just...wanted to talk is all...couldn’t sleep...you know the stuff,” Mark swallowed, suddenly not sure he’d made the right choice. Would Jason guess what was going through his head? Jason did have a habit of reading people quite well. But even he couldn’t be that good, could he?
“Oh I see, hardly speak to me in weeks and then when insomnia strikes...” Jason teased and Mark laughed despite himself. Jason was so warm, so ready to take his mind off things.
“So is that a yes to letting me ask you something then?” he grinned and Jason laughed.
“Yes, Markie,” he assured him as he picked up the two mugs of tea and made his way over to the sofa.
Howard’s eyes took Jason in appreciatively as he neared. He was dressed in an old pair of tracksuit bottoms, that clung loosely to his hips, and one of Howard’s hoodies, which swamped his narrow frame. Jason handed him a mug and then moved to settle himself next to Howard on the sofa.
“Have I ever mentioned you are gorgeous when you don’t try to be?” Howard asked huskily, leaning over and pressing a kiss into the crook of Jason’s neck. Jason elbowed him off as best he could without spilling the tea, though there was an affectionate smile lingering in his eyes.
“Oh God, is Howard there?! I’m sorry...I should...” Mark was babbling down the line and Jason rolled his eyes and chuckled.
“It’s fine Mark, honestly. Believe it or not my husband is capable of keeping his hands to himself for half an hour...maybe...” Jason shot back and Howard grinned unashamedly at Jason before taking a sip of his tea and settling in to listen to Jason’s half of the phone call.
Just as Mark was about to give in and seek Jason’s help, he became aware of someone shuffling into the lounge and he turned to see Gary standing a little way behind him, his pyjamas crumpled and his hair sticking up at awkward angles. He was rubbing his eyes and looking perplexed.
“You still up? I heard something...thought it was a very laid back burglar...then I noticed you weren’t in the bed,” Gary mumbled through a yawn and Mark could see a trace of a smile in his sleepy eyes.
“Sorry...just wasn’t feeling tired,” Mark told him and Gary nodded.
“Who you on the phone to?” he frowned and Mark bit his lip.
“Jay,” he said quietly. Gary raised his eyebrows, stifling another yawn.
“What you calling him for? Something up?” he asked. His obvious concern touched Mark, but he still knew he couldn’t tell the truth.
“No, no...he called me actually,” he bluffed, hoping Gary wouldn’t question why Jason was phoning.
“Did I now?!” Mark heard Jason remark in mild surprise down the line, but Gary, at least, seemed appeased and he nodded vaguely.
“Ok. Well, come to bed soon,” he yawned, turning and waving his hand hazily as he headed back towards the bedroom.
“Will do,” Mark nodded before turning back to his phone. Jason arched an eyebrow.
“Is there any reason you’re lying to Gary about calling me?” he questioned Mark, though to Mark’s relief he sounded concerned more than anything.
“You pair better not be having an affair!” Mark heard Howard’s playful warning and smirked.
“Shut it Donald!” Jason shot back with a warm smile, casting Howard a sidelong glance. Howard pulled his best innocent face and Jason gave him a small kick. Mark could hear their tussle continuing and he smiled, rolling his eyes.
“Concentrate Orange!” he joked and Jason laughed.
“Sorry...so come on, why are you lying to Gaz?” he prompted. Mark let out a long sigh.
“Don’t worry, it’s nothing awful. I’ve already talked to Gaz and...I just don’t want to make him think I ignore what he has to say,” he lied awkwardly.
“Fair enough...so come on Owen, I’m listening,” Jason replied softly and Mark suddenly felt very guilty for not being honest with him. He was prepared to overlook pretty much anything as long as he could understand the reason for it, surely Mark could trust him not to judge?
Jason kept one eye on Howard as he waited for Mark to open up, watching cautiously as his husband put down his mug of tea and crept closer to him on the sofa. Howard’s arms were around his middle before his brain could even begin to protest and as he felt Howard’s steady breath on the back of his neck he knew that resistance was not an option. Howard smiled and began to place kisses to the back of Jason’s neck at regular intervals. Jason’s eyes glimmered at him quietly as he sipped his tea.
“Have you ever...do you...well...have...have you ever wondered, just for a little while, how your life could have turned out if you’d ended up with someone else?” Mark stammered at last. Jason frowned, leaning back in Howard’s embrace and trying to think what Mark was getting at.
“Why would I be doing that?” he wondered aloud and Howard, who was now close enough to hear both sides of the conversation, couldn’t hide his rather smug grin.
“I don’t know I just...I mean...what if...what if things had worked out differently between you and your last really properly serious boyfriend? Like um...what’s his name...Ryan?” Mark tried. Jason thought a moment. He thought of Ryan. Charming Ryan with his delicate, girlish face, his slanty cat-eyes and his big glasses. Willowy, graceful Ryan, a giddy Southerner left mildly perplexed by almost all Northerners he came across. He couldn’t be more different from Howard in any way – though the two had gotten along frighteningly well on the rare occasions when they had met. Ryan was lovely and Jason was still fond of him, but there was no wondering what life would be like if they were still together. They wouldn’t be. It was as simple as that.
“I’ve never thought about it for one minute actually...me and Ryan working out was never going to be on the cards. Our relationship ran its course, it was nice but...the place I am now it just...it doesn’t compare,” Jason shrugged, smiling as Howard kissed his temple lovingly.
Mark mulled over what Jason had said, chewing the inside of his mouth. There hadn’t even been the tiniest note of longing in Jason’s voice as he’d said Ryan’s name, no sense of a story unfinished, not even a moment of intrigue. Jason knew, with confidence, that that string had been cut. But then, wasn’t that the exact same thing Mark had thought? What’s done is done and all that. He’d known, with a certainty so resolute it had burnt the back of his throat, that his life ran its course for a reason, every meander had a purpose. After all, losing his job had led him to Oldham Street, and look at what that had taken him to.
“Not a flicker?” he found his voice working without his permission.
“Mark, what are we talking about here?” Jason asked him and Mark winced. Of course Jason would suspect something. Mark pulled a face and closed his eyes, tipping his head back.
“It’s just something stupid Jay, don’t worry y’self. It’s just... an old mate it ended badly with, a friend. And I’ve found out what he’s up to now and it’s made me wonder if losing a best friend is ever a good thing,” he mumbled. Jason was quiet for a long time after that.
“Why didn’t you ask that to begin with?” he said slowly. Mark shrugged.
“Guess it’s all left me a bit muddled, that’s all,” he said, rubbing his forehead tiredly. Jason was unconvinced but he didn’t see the use of dragging it out. Mark would talk to Gary if something was really upsetting him after all.
“Maybe you should sleep on it Markie, you sound exhausted,” he said softly and Mark nodded.
“Yeah. You’re right. Thanks Jay,” he replied.
“G’night Mark,” Jason told him, firmly but gently, and with that the two hung up.
Jason sighed as he put down the phone and his mug on the arm of the sofa, turning himself around in Howard’s embrace and cupping his face in his hands. Howard smiled at him quietly, their eyes locked in a twinkling exchange. Wordlessly he pressed a single, chaste kiss to Howard’s lips.
“Not a flicker?” Howard whispered, his voice low and his eyes proud. Jason laughed softly.
“Stop fishing for compliments Donald,” he told him, wrapping his arms around Howard’s neck and holding him close. Howard grinned, falling back against the cushions so that Jason was lying on his chest. Jason pressed a kiss to Howard’s chin.
“You’re gorgeous,” Howard told him softly, cupping Jason’s face in his hands in an echo of Jason’s earlier gesture. Jason’s eyes were starry with love.
“If you insist,” he replied quietly, a playful smile on his lips. Howard grinned.
“Come to bed with me?” Howard shot back, a roguish look in his eyes. Jason’s smile widened and Howard saw that same lightness dancing in his face too.
“If you insist,” Jason repeated huskily.
Chapter Four
From across the station floor, they were both still turned slightly towards each other. It was subtle. A little turn of the shoulders, slight angling of the chest, a point of the foot. The only reason Gary even noticed it was because it set them at a slight but constant contrast to the bustle of commuters all around them. Jason was stood with his arms folded protectively across his chest, had been ever since Howard’s arms had reluctantly parted from around him, and he watched the crowds with startled blue eyes. He almost seemed perplexed, his eyes fixing each new stranger who passed them with a lost sort of scrutiny. It was a trait of Jason’s to be left befuddled by the fast pace the world seemed to move at and, looking at the heaving station, Gary himself felt a moment of confusion. Even Mark seemed to be hesitant. As sunny as the man’s disposition could be, Gary knew he found something rather lonely about the nameless crowd, and Mark didn’t deal with loneliness that well. Gary let out a long sigh, glancing over at where Howard was getting their coffees for them, his head tipped in Jason’s direction, his phone pressed to his ear.
“We need that gig,” Jason said, suddenly, softly. Gary carried on watching Howard.
“Why?” Mark asked and Jason bit his lip, glancing at the floor.
“Because we need to eat, coz he has a daughter we’re expected to clothe, cars to fuel, bills to pay. Sorry Mark but we’re incurably dull. And we need that money,” Jason shrugged.
“But if he doesn’t do the gig coz we’re...” Mark began, stopping suddenly and catching himself. Gary almost sighed in relief at Mark’s sudden attack of tact, though the corner of Jason’s lips twitched up. Fond and sad, Gary thought.
“My husband has dreams too Markie...and, as much as he hates the travelling, he loves what he does,” Jason told Mark very softly, he gaze flicking briefly to Mark before returning to his husband. Mark looked a little guilty at that and he shoved his hands in his pockets, looking down at the floor.
“He doesn’t mind does he?” Gary asked, watching Howard pleading and bargaining.
“Howard rarely minds much at all,” Jason replied vaguely.
“That doesn’t really answer the question,” Gary pointed out. Jason seemed reluctant to reply at first and his eyes glittered so anxiously that Howard turned, his gaze meeting Jason’s from beyond the flurry of briefcases and high-heels that traversed the space between them. Jason looked at Gary and gave him a kind smile, reassuringly genuine and disconcertingly distant.
“Gaz, if you know that that doesn’t really answer the question, then I think you know what the real answer would be,” he shrugged. Mark frowned at that.
“So he does mind?” he questioned, his eyes almost hazel with guilt.
“Look, Howard and me are grown men, we can make decisions of our own free will. I’m certain if Howard and I had chosen to stay home today that our lives would still be...exactly what we want them to be. If you two had stayed home? You don’t make me feel like you’d be ok. And you’re our friends. This won’t kill us, so please don’t feel guilty on our account, ok?” Jason sighed. Gary and Mark looked at him for a moment, caught between alarm and gratitude. Should they worry that they were both so sure they needed something more to life when Jason and Howard were so sure that they didn’t? Or should they just throw their arms around Jason and Howard and thank them a million times for understanding?
Howard was making his way back now, dodging the crowds, making a course for Jason without realising. He came to stand with Jason, handed Mark a hot chocolate and Gary one of the two coffees, before taking a grateful sip of his own drink. Gary and Mark nodded their thanks, pretending not to listen as Howard bent slightly to talk into Jason’s ear.
“They’ll only change it to the Friday after, nothing later, I’m so sorry love, I tried...I’ll cancel now if you...” he whispered gently, one hand resting at the nape of Jason’s neck, his fingers playing briefly with strands of his hair. Jason’s head was turned towards him thoughtfully, his smile more understanding than disappointed.
“Don’t be daft, of course it’s fine. My mum has had to put up with years of me turning up on my own, it’s normal. Just remember to text me when you get in, ok?” he assured Howard quietly. Howard smiled and kissed Jason’s temple.
“I’ll be texting you every ten fucking seconds,” he groaned and Jason laughed.
“It’s Scotland, not the moon,” he replied, looking up into Howard’s face with eyes that betrayed the false confidence of his voice.
The station announcer cut the mood, calling out the arrival of their train on some distant platform. Gary was glad of her interruption. The fear and anticipation that had been allowed to build up this morning was beginning to overwhelm him. This beautiful adventure he had always been so utterly convinced would fix his life was suddenly raising more questions than answers, but he was too caught up in the whirlwind to know if that was a bad thing. Mark’s hand tugging on his own as the four of them walked briskly through the station was, strangely, not the firm anchor he needed it to be and Gary found Mark’s fingers as unfamiliar as they were uncertain. Howard and Jason’s hands weren’t clasped, though their footsteps matched; every heartbeat of emotion that today caused them was shared, though not necessarily shared out loud it was still somehow known, Gary realised. He and Mark felt the need to clutch at each other frantically, make banal chatter about excitement just to calm the nerves. Mark had tried on six outfits before they’d left the house. Gary had repacked his suitcase three times. The different pattern their relationship seemed to be running on suddenly hit him as he saw Howard glance briefly over his shoulder to confirm Jason’s presence before looking back up at the signs above. Jason was there, as he had known he would be. Mark’s fingers gripped Gary’s hand a little tighter then.
“Manchester Piccadilly to London Euston,” he grinned, eyes alight.
“London is a baffling place,” Jason murmured, seemingly for little reason at all. Howard gave him a small smile before taking his suitcase for him and Jason smiled back, fishing out the tickets from his coat pocket. Gary took out his and Mark’s tickets, Mark’s hand still tight around his own.
“Ah, the big city,” he said to no one in particular, trying to juggle his coffee, his suitcase and the tickets as they made their way along the platform towards their train.
“Here goes nothing,” Howard muttered softly into Jason’s ear.
***
Their B&B was a strange building that, from the inside, felt like it was leaning forwards slightly, as if trying to peek down to the end of its quiet street. It was not the most glamorous place to stay; the furniture came from a decade best forgotten, the bare floorboards creaked and the radiators spent more time gurgling than they did heating. But Mark wasn’t about to complain, he could handle unglamorous. Truth be told he’d stopped noticing his surroundings entirely at some point over the past year. He hardly noticed a thing, didn’t have time to. He didn’t like to notice things, because, when he did, it’d start to get him down. No. He would far rather keep moving, make sure he always had something to focus on, delight himself with a distraction rather than solve the problem at hand. Maybe that was where he’d gone wrong in life, he thought with a sigh as he pulled himself up onto the freezing windowsill and peeked out at the street. He chewed his lip, his tired blue-green eyes scanning the rain-spattered street below him. A swirl of crumpled leaves blustered over from the park across the way and Mark pulled his face back from the window slightly, troubled by the restless view. It reminded him too much of his own flaws. So restless that he’d created a life for himself where the sheer number of distractions left him so confused that he couldn’t tell the difference between what he really needed and what he just passed the time with.
The sound of the door opening shook Mark slightly and his head jerked up, his eyes glowing and defensive. Gary didn’t look him in the eye as he came into the room.
“Jonathan’s going to meet us at that pub you suggested,” he sighed, lowering himself onto the creaking bed and lying down. Mark watched him watching the ceiling, apprehensive and faint.
“Oh?” he replied in a small voice. Gary didn’t notice the wavering note in Mark’s tone.
“Mm. He didn’t know the place but he says it’s as good a place as any,” Gary nodded and Mark looked back out of the window. The leaves below swept up viciously and he closed his eyes, trying to still his heartbeat and swallow whichever emotion it was that was trying to fight its way to the surface. He was sure the building was straining closer and closer to the street.
“Surprised he doesn’t know it,” he said. He didn’t know why he said it. To fill space. To deflect attention. Anything to avoid That Conversation.
“Don’t make much difference to me Marko, as long as they do good grub,” Gary smiled tiredly, patting his stomach. Mark smiled with distant affection and tilted his head to one side, his hair falling in his eyes as he did so.
“You always say that Gaz, and I still haven’t seen you ever turn down pub grub,” he pointed out. Gary shrugged, shaking his head.
“What can I say – you must just have good taste,” he suggested with a smile. Mark looked at the floor, then the wall, then his hands and then back at Gary.
“Do I?” he asked. He hadn’t realised he’d said it aloud until he noticed the confusion on Gary’s face.
“Do you what?” Gary prompted when Mark avoided his gaze.
“Have good taste,” Mark muttered, pulling his knees even closer to his chest.
“You never seem to have doubted it before,” Gary chuckled gently and Mark smiled a weak sort of a smile. He stared at his shoes, feeling trapped between the accusation of the wind and the insight of Gary’s blue eyes.
“No. No, I suppose I didn’t,” Mark agreed after a pause. Gary’s eyebrows knitted together in concern and he sat up, edging across the bed. Mark was hardly away of his own movement until he realised he could now feel the cold of the glass through his jacket.
“Mark are you ok? Since we got here you’ve been so quiet...” Gary said gently. Don’t be nice to me, Mark cried out in his head.
“Just nervous. Ignore me, I’m being a killjoy,” he dismissed and Gary sat back a little on the bed.
“Have you ever seen four more glum people in your life?” he said with a wry smile.
“Stupid, isn’t it?” Mark agreed, risking a small glance at Gary. Their eyes didn’t meet and a part of him was glad of that.
As silence fell, Mark thought over it a little more. Surprisingly it was Howard and Jason who were the happier this morning. For all Jason’s staring into space, he’d managed to raise the odd smile, banter a little. And Howard hadn’t grumbled about anything; he’d gone to the shop for them all on the train, taken charge of the ticket machine, sorted their taxi and even checked them into the B&B. The whole time Jason and Howard had been looking after Mark and Gary like they were two kids on a school trip and it was only now that Mark processed it. He didn’t deserve them. He tried to tell himself they were only doing it for Gary but he knew that wasn’t true. They were doing it for both of them and he knew it, he did. And yet still he couldn’t bear to just...stop. He couldn’t face the idea of hitting the panic button, pulling the breaks, bolting down the fire escape. Because the minute he did that there would be so much work to do. So much reassessing to make. One reassessment in particular. One reassessment that he couldn’t help but feel was about to confront him. Not that he could complain, it was a collision he had engineered. But curiosity had gotten the better of him. And for some reason, when that information had landed at his door, all his many distractions had become so...inadequate.
God he could make a mess if you let him.
***
“Do you think we might have been wrong about this?” Jason asked softly. Howard looked up at his husband, who was stood by the window, arms folded, eyes gazing with disinterest at the houses across the street. He frowned, pushing himself up off the bed and coming to stand behind Jason, wrapping his arms tightly around his husband’s middle and pulling him close.
“Wrong?” he asked vaguely as he pressed a kiss into the crook of Jason’s neck. Jason laughed slightly, rolling his eyes.
“Yes, wrong. Now get off me Donald,” he retorted, turning in Howard’s embrace and pressing a lingering kiss to his lips. Howard chuckled, raising an eyebrow.
“Mm, yeah, you’re really convincing me!” he grinned, looking into Jason’s eyes. Jason smiled up at him and shrugged and Howard proceeded to press more kisses to his skin.
“You really need to learn to keep your hands to yourself,” Jason laughed, leaning back from Howard’s kisses and placing both his hands on Howard’s cheeks. They froze that way a moment, Howard’s eyes glittering and wild, Jason’s smile loving but reserved. Howard kissed Jason’s nose, then his cheek, then once more brought their lips together, pulling Jason close to him and drawing out the kiss. He only let Jason go so as to breathe and, much to Howard’s pleasure, Jason needed a moment to recover.
“What were you saying again?” Howard teased airily, leaning their foreheads together. Jason’s lips quirked up in a rueful smile.
“That you need to put me down. Now,” he warned without moving.
“Oh really, why exactly?” Howard countered.
“Because we’re in front of a window,” Jason told him simply and Howard laughed.
“So?!” he questioned. Jason held his gaze for a while before tipping his head back slightly and nodding in the direction of one of the buildings opposite.
“So: there’s a woman up there watching,” he remarked casually. Howard peered in the direction Jason had indicated. Sure enough a surprised looking woman was stood at the window of one of the houses, her hands resting on the curtains. Howard grinned, she’d opened up her curtains to quite a show. He kissed Jason’s forehead briefly and then stepped out of the embrace. Jason watched him with suspicion and confusion. Howard tapped twice on the window.
“Oi, he’s mine!” he warned the woman with pride before taking Jason into his arms again. Jason looked at him with reprimand and love.
“Can I take you anywhere?!” he sighed, putting his arms around Howard’s neck.
“Ah, but love, you take me everywhere,” Howard reminded him. Jason looked up into Howard’s steady blue eyes and he couldn’t help but notice the pleasure Howard took in saying that, the proud little quirk to his lips as he was allowed to steak his claim so easily.
“What are you looking so smug about?” Jason asked, though really he had little need to. Howard’s grin broadened further.
“The fact that you let me make you mine,” he shrugged with honestly. Jason smiled at him.
“Resistance would be futile, trust me,” he murmured.
Howard tugged Jason gently, pulling them both to the edge of the bed. He sat down, flopping backwards and staring up at the ceiling, waiting for Jason to settling himself at his side. Jason’s slim figure fitted perfectly against him and in moments Jason’s head was nuzzled in the crook of his neck. Howard could feel his eyelashes brush his skin and it made him smile. He kissed the top of Jason’s head and Jason pressed himself even closer to Howard’s side.
“Wrong about what, love?” Howard asked quietly, squeezing Jason tightly. Jason smiled, impressed.
“About Mark and Gary, about this being good for them...something’s been bugging me, ever since Mark called the other night, all that stuff about relationships ending differently and...” Jason stopped himself, frowning and then burying his face in Howard’s neck once more.
“You think something’s up with him and Gary that they’re not saying?” Howard asked. Jason pulled a face. He wasn’t sure if that was what he thought. He couldn’t put his finger on what he thought exactly, he just knew something wasn’t right and it was driving him mad.
“I don’t know Howard...I mean...you saw them earlier didn’t you? It was weird...I don’t know what it was it just...it didn’t sit right. Do you know what I mean?” he asked. Howard paused a moment.
“I think I do...actually, it’s sort of...what they do now. Disconnect, that is. Or Mark does anyway. If I didn’t know him better I’d say he’d been avoiding us,” Howard agreed slowly. Jason nodded.
“I think maybe he has been...he doesn’t like confronting things, you know? He likes to let life run its course, sort itself out,” he sighed.
“So what do we do about it? I mean...we’re here now...” Howard began.
“And it’s still so important to Gaz...” Jason put in. Howard bit his lip.
“As important to him as Mark?” he asked. Jason pushed himself up slightly, propping himself up on his elbow and looking into Howard’s quiet eyes.
“Howard that’s an impossible question. What’s more important to you; becoming a successful DJ and producer...or me?” he asked him and Howard didn’t even blink.
“You. You...you...still you...” he replied and Jason smiled fondly, kissing Howard’s lips to shut him up.
“Thank you,” he whispered.
“It’s not even a question Jay,” Howard frowned.
“I guess it’s just all more complicated for Gaz. Music is a part of who he is...and I know it’s the same for you but...but you didn’t get the same knock-backs Gaz did, you don’t feel you have anything to prove. He does,” Jason explained. Howard nodded and they both fell silent for a moment.
“So what do we do then?” Howard asked at last.
“I wish I knew,” Jason groaned, falling back against Howard’s chest.
“Jay,” Howard said after a while, his thumb stroking Jason’s arm absently.
“Mm,” Jason replied, not opening his eyes for fear of letting anything other than Howard’s presence back into his consciousness.
“Have you noticed how much better things get when we just lie like this?” Howard asked him. Jason smiled against his neck. Howard felt his eyelashes brushing his skin again. It was a small privilege of their intimacy that allowed him the sensation but he cherished it nonetheless.
“Why else do you think I haven’t moved?” Jason replied and Howard shifted enough to kiss his forehead and lie back.
“We could just stay here...” Howard began. But the moment was, of course, shattered.
Jason grimaced as he heard the knock on the door. It was tentative but it was earth-shattering to him. He held Howard a little tighter and Howard, for his part, hardly dared to breath.
“Jay? Howard? You two ready yet? We’ve got to get going,” Mark called through the door. For a moment Jason and Howard continued to lie there, pretending that the world consisted of just them and that bed and nothing more. And then Gary’s voice was heard.
“Come on lads I’m starving,” he grumbled and Jason couldn’t help but chuckle slightly, if a little regretfully. The acknowledgement of the sound broke any illusion they had been holding onto and he and Howard began to prise themselves apart.
“Alright Gaz, we’ll be there in a minute,” Jason called, sitting up. Howard stayed lying down a moment, gazing up at Jason with a gentle smile.
“You want to know something?” he asked quietly. Jason narrowed his eyes slightly, detecting something glinting in those mischievous blue eyes.
“What?” he asked and Howard grinned, sitting up and cupping Jason’s cheek in his hand.
“You’re still...all...mine...” he told Jason firmly, placing a kiss to his neck, then his cheek and then finally bringing their lips together. Jason smiled and let himself be pulled in, the kiss drawing out and drowning out the outside world. Well, drowning it out until another knock on the door told them it was time to go.
Chapter Five
“I don’t know...he just doesn’t seem like your type!” Gary was frowning slightly as he spoke, Howard chuckling at him. Mark glanced back at their discussion with a look of intrigue and confusion.
“You really think I have a type? I nearly married Vicky you know,” Howard grinned.
“That was different! Anyway, I guess I just meant...he’s not very much like Jay is he!” Gary sighed, shrugging slightly. Howard simply smiled, casting a brief glance over at his husband, who was striding several paces ahead of himself and Gary with Mark at his side.
“No, I guess he isn’t. But then what man would write down ‘complex, neurotic OCD sufferer with trouble sleeping and a cupboard full of herbal tea’?! Just coz I fell for all that stuff, doesn’t mean I spent my whole life looking for it,” he replied. Mark didn’t pay attention to Gary’s reply, turning to look at Jason instead, falling into step by his side.
“What are they talking about?” he asked in confusion. Jason looked back at them briefly then turned back to look at Mark, an amused smile dancing across his face.
“Trevor. One of Howard’s most significant exes. We ran into him the other day when we went for drinks with Gaz at that new pub near the Palace Theatre – you’d know if you’d actually shown up,” he told Mark softly and Mark felt sure Jason had picked up on his avoidance tactics.
“Wasn’t that a bit...awkward though?” Mark pressed, ignoring Jason’s hint and quickening his pace.
“Awkward how exactly?” Jason frowned, quirking his eyebrows in enquiry.
“Being in the middle of that reunion...” Mark replied. Jason laughed and shook his head.
“Not particularly; Howard married me, after all. That kind of implies any attachment to Trevor is long gone. Or at least it better be, coz if it’s not then I’m sure as hell not cooking for him and his appetite anymore,” he grinned and Mark smiled at that, because he knew it wasn’t true; Jason was compelled to look after Howard no matter what he did, it was just a fact.
“But part of him must have been wanting to compare...you know, like, see what the different ending to his story might have been if things had worked out,” he suggested. He could see from the searching look in Jason’s eyes that he had said too much. Jason was even more certain that something was wrong now. But, Jason being Jason, he didn’t rush to get an answer, he just fixed Mark with a piercing blue stare then turned his attention to the question.
“To clutter up your mind by thinking that there are fifty different people out there who you could have loved is a disservice to the person who loves you,” he murmured. Mark swallowed hard, wondering how aware Jason was of the closeness with which those words hit him.
“But it’s all so random – one footstep can change your whole life. One unanswered question and who knows where you’ll end up,” Mark half-whispered. He wanted to stop talking, his mind was screeching at him to shut up. But his mouth kept going. Jason’s eyes were bright as his listened.
“Just think about it though Markie. Love is when the different ending looks like hell, you realise that misplaced footstep took you out of the path of an oncoming bus and you’ve forgotten the question so no one need ever answer it. I’d feel like Howard was betraying me somehow if he was still concerned with questions raised by someone other than me. It’d be like him telling me he wasn’t certain of loving me...maybe worse than that. Maybe it’d be like him telling me he wasn’t certain of me loving him...” Jason’s look was distantly thoughtful and for a moment Mark thought that he had become so lost in his own contemplation that he had forgotten his previous suspicion.
“Howard never would,” Mark mumbled into his scarf. He regretted opening his mouth. Jason was looking at him, realisation stirring in his blue eyes.
“Mark – who’s in London that you need answers from?” he asked steadily. Mark blinked, scared and uncertain if he should answer.
It was Gary who saved him. And Mark found a certain amount of irony in that.
“How far is this bloody pub?!” his voice was booming in the cold air but Jason didn’t flinch. He was still looking at Mark in that questioning way Mark so feared. Gary didn’t seem to notice but Howard did instantly and he looked between Mark and Jason for a moment before quickening his pace a little to catch up with Jason.
“If you weren’t such a slow-coach we’d be there by now,” Mark teased thin-voiced, dropping back to walk with Gary as his eyes flicked nervously across to Howard who was whispering an enquiry in Jason’s ear. Mark couldn’t hear what Jason murmured back and that made Mark worry even more. Jason was sharp, it wouldn’t take him long to figure it out.
“How’d you know this place anyway – this isn’t the glitzy end of London that you’re so in awe of, this is the end of London you pretend doesn’t exist,” Gary was smiling as he spoke and Mark felt the need to smile back at him, though his heart rate quickened.
“Oh you know...friends...” he said. It wasn’t a lie. A friend had told him about the pub. Well, less about the pub itself maybe.
“Friends with good taste I hope!” Gary beamed, his eyes jovial and bright and everything Mark loved so much to see in Gary’s face. And yet even that wasn’t enough to fight off the confusion that was rapidly engulfing him. The thought of every footstep taking him closer to that world, those answers he never got...that man he never got.
Perhaps he was just built differently to Jason, perhaps the way he loved was different. Because he couldn’t help but be hung-up on the questions, couldn’t help but feel a need to know. And yet he could still feel that guilty voice in the back of his mind, repeating Jason’s words. It was a sort of betrayal after all. His head was spinning so fast that he was hardly aware of Gary’s gentle peck on his cheek. Gary, for his part, didn’t seem aware of Mark’s distance and he whistled a tune to himself as though the world was that uncomplicated. Mark used to smile when Gary did that. Maybe he still would be smiling if that tiny scrap of information had never landed in his lap. Or maybe he would always have ended up this overwhelmed, after all, they say that’s what happens when you put off life and promise to deal with it another day. Things pile up. Get worse. Get messier. He could see the turning for the road they needed and he winced. In front of him Jason and Howard, walking in step with each other, their conversation clearly lighter in tone than it had been. Howard invested a lot of his energy to keeping Jason’s mind from sending him insane. But Mark still felt sure Jason was still turning things over in his head. The question was; would the car crash Mark had engineered hit before Jason figured it out?
***
The Drunken Duck was a faded green and threadbare gold establishment which had yet to be notified of London’s transformation into a sleek, modern city. Dark wood and low ceilings edged out any daylight and yet there was still an inviting sort of a life about the place. A widescreen television was hanging on the back wall, looking absurd but drawing in the punters. Overenthusiastic men waving pints were lecturing a manager on how to approach a London derby, though from the look of their guts Mark suspected their football skills to be minimal. Away from the television a couple sat, huddled over a plate of chips, trying to discuss whether to see a play or a musical that night. Another man sat alone reading his paper, trying to make his pint last out ‘til the back page. There was something very English about the whole scene. And something very disorientating about its warmth. Mark had half-imagined the place to be more frightening to him, more daunting. Perhaps a small part of him had hoped the place would be awful – what a reassurance it would have been if he could have smiled and nodded and known he had the better life.
The panic finally arrived as he turned to the bar. More dark wood, more faded green, a small collection of empty pint glasses and a broad, muscular pair of arms leaning heavily on top of it. Mark stopped, his mouth open ever-so-slightly. Jason was the next to turn around. Mark would have winced if he’d seen the way his jaw set firmly. Howard prickled as he felt Jason tense and he looked across, suddenly gripping Jason a little tighter, an instinctive need to keep him safe kicking in. Gary was the last to turn. Casual enquiry was the look that touched his face first. And then his eyes focused. He studied the man at the bar and he stopped breathing. Mark almost stumbled as he felt the waves of hurt tumbling from Gary and knocking into him. But still he couldn’t look away from the man at the bar. Tall and rebellious as ever, but healthier than Mark had ever known him. His heart leapt against his ribs as he waited to see those eyes.
Jason and Howard were both looking at Mark and Gary. But Mark and Gary were locked, focused on one point alone. It seemed like an age before the man shifted, pushing himself up lazily from the paper he’d been feigning interest in and yawning slowly. Mark almost took a step towards him. And then the man looked up. The look of realisation was slow and shocked. Mark found he was suddenly unable to form words, let alone sentences. Gary seemed similarly afflicted. Everyone, not least the barman himself, seemed surprised when he was the first to speak.
“M...Markie?” he uttered. And Mark was sure he heard Gary’s heart buckle from the strain.
Chapter Six
His shoulders were broad and his eyes cloudy, the sleeves of his t-shirt were frayed as if he’d cut them off himself. In the dull roar of the pub his frame looked brutish and, somewhere in Mark’s memories of him, he knew that, at times, he could be that way. His arms were decorated with more tattoos than when he and Mark had been together, reminding Mark of that unruly streak that had both fascinated and scared him for all those years. He remembered sitting alone that night waiting for him to come home. He hadn’t, not that Mark knew why he hadn’t. Their relationship had been boisterous, turbulent and unkind, but every shouting match had been balanced by a tenderness, an understanding, a boyish mischief. There’d always been a lot of laughter. It was a forgotten aspect of their romance that Mark could only read now that that laughter-lined face was in front of him again. The more he stared the more it all got muddled up in his mind. The danger the laughter. The laugher the danger. The tears. The tears. The tears. God there were a lot of tears. The danger had intrigued him if anything. There was an excitement in it. It was something he had thought he had grown out of; after all, it was Gary’s safety he had fallen in love with. And yet here he was now, getting lost in it all over again. It was strange – Mark was not the younger of the two and yet it had always been him playing the innocent, him being the tagalong. Except for that one night when Mark hadn’t tagged along, that one night when he’d never come back.
“Rob...” Mark breathed at last. Gary was biting his lip, his face red and his eyes damp.
It was Howard who broke the tension, as was his way.
“If he drops another fucking cupboard on you then I will kill him,” he muttered and Jason smiled slightly, looking up at his husband with soft blue eyes.
“A very fair and measured response, love. I’ll be sure to visit you in prison,” he replied, pressing a kiss to Howard’s cheek. Howard smiled back but his grip on Jason’s shoulder didn’t loosen.
“I uh...I...” Robbie stammered and for the briefest of moments Jason pitied him. Mark had put him in a position he hadn’t been prepared for. But then he looked across at Gary and he felt a flash of anger hit him. It was one thing Mark putting him through this, but Gary definitely didn’t deserve it. Jason sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and leaning gratefully against Howard’s strength. He knew he had to take charge, though he couldn’t say he felt up to the job.
“You get us some drinks, we’ll go and sit over there,” he said, fixing Robbie with his piercing eyes. Robbie nodded and busied himself with pint glasses, glad of having an excuse to turn away. Mark still watched him, his eyes boring into his back. Gary shook his head and looked at the floor and Jason had to tug lightly on his sleeve to pull him off towards a secluded booth in the corner of the pub. Howard reluctantly let go of his husband in order to place an authoritative hand on Mark’s back and lean down to mutter into his ear.
“Just so you know, Jay would’ve listened if you’d just been honest with him,” he said, both his hands suddenly gripping Mark’s upper arms with gentle firmness as he steered him after Jason and Gary.
“I just...I j...” Mark stammered but Howard cut him off with another quiet reprimand.
“Save it for Gaz mate,” he sighed before pushing Mark into a chair and then settling himself next to Jason, who looked up gratefully at him as he arrived.
Gary didn’t look up as Mark joined them. He was staring at the beer matt in front of him, suddenly fascinated by the Carlsberg logo. On the other side of the pub uproar had erupted as the pub-floor managers jumped professions in order to contest the referee, each one of them more sure than the last that their judgement was infallible. Robbie had vanished from the bar and Jason’s beady eyes scanned the room with concern, because Jason was well aware that Mark had been the victim of that man’s disappearing act once before, and for all his disappointment in Mark’s actions he didn’t want him to feel any more confused than he already did.
“You knew he was here, didn’t you,” Gary said quietly after a while. It was a miracle they heard him over the growing commotion from the football crowd. But then again, perhaps they’d been waiting for his verdict on the situation with such anticipation that they had forgotten their surroundings.
“Gaz...” Mark began but he stopped abruptly when he saw the look in Jason’s eyes. Gary couldn’t look at him, but Jason hadn’t stopped. Mark realised now that Jason was far more understanding than he had given him credit for; if he’d just talked to him, Jason would have listened and advised him without judgement. But he valued honesty highly and Mark’s evasiveness had clearly disappointed him. It hurt to see that look in Jason’s eyes.
“That’s how you knew this place, isn’t it,” Gary was still lost to them, talking mostly to himself.
“I’m sorry,” Mark whispered, his voice threatening to dissolve into tears if he spoke much louder.
“Is this why you haven’t been talking? Why you’ve hardly been around? Coz you were busy wondering what it would be like to see him again? Coz you were busy...busy wondering what it would be like if you were still with him?” Gary’s voice was soft and broken.
“Gaz,” Mark pleaded. Jason closed his eyes tiredly and Howard gripped his hand.
“I’ve got to go,” Gary said blankly. The other three looked up at him, worried. He was still staring at the beer matt, still biting his lip. Jason could see his fingernails were digging into his palms as he stood abruptly. They watched him walk out in silence.
“I’d better go after him,” Jason sighed after a moment.
“Jay, I’m so sorry I didn’t...” Mark tried but Jason waved a hand at him.
“I get it Mark. I do. I just wish you’d trusted me. But what’s done is done. You talk to Robbie, you get your answers, you find out what it is you missed out on. Do whatever it is you have to do. And I will talk to Gary. You’d just better get yourself back to him to explain it all soon, because it shouldn’t be up to me to look after him,” he told Mark with an even tone.
Once Jason was gone, Howard and Mark were left alone to stare uncomfortably at their hands. Robbie had returned to the bar now having found someone to see to the punters in his absence. He glanced over at their table, noticed the dwindling numbers and adjusted the drinks order accordingly. He seemed nervous and for a moment Howard felt sorry for him. And then he remembered how long it had taken for Jason’s bruises to fade and he clenched his jaw. It was only when he heard Mark sniff that he forgot his anger and softened his expression.
“I’ve really fucked things up, haven’t I,” Mark mumbled to his hands. Howard let out a long sigh.
“Mate, I’ve behaved like an absolute tit to Jay sometimes, you know? And he’s still with me. You maybe didn’t handle yourself the right way but you’re only human. Gaz will forgive you, you just have to show him you know you were wrong,” he said gently. Mark frowned slightly.
“Was I wrong though?” he asked quietly and Howard looked at him in confusion.
“Mark...your husband just left this place feeling utterly betrayed. I’d say there was something wrong with that, yeah,” he remarked sharply.
“I just needed to know Howard...I just needed to know why someone I cared about skipped out on me...I needed to know what he skipped out on me for...whether I could have loved the man he became without me...” Mark wasn’t looking at Howard as he spoke. He was watching Robbie at the bar. Howard didn’t know what to say. But one thing he did know was that Jason would never look at another man that way. And if he did? Howard wouldn’t even have the strength to cry.
“I’ll leave you to find out then...but just be careful Mark. The answers might not make anything any clearer...you could just be opening a whole new can of worms,” Howard warned Mark gently before standing slowly and leaving the pub, passing Robbie on his way out and casting one final meaningful look his way before heading for the door.
***
Gary lifted his head slowly out of his hands at the sound of someone sitting down next to him on the bench. Jason was sitting there, his eyes scanning the park casually, his arms spread across the back of the bench. His relaxed manner calmed Gary somewhat. He had expected Jason to find him, what surprised him was the immediate way in which his presence eased his nerves. For a moment Gary stayed hunched over, his elbows resting on his knees, his eyes studying the grey landscape. Jason didn’t speak or cajole him into coming back to the B&B and Gary was content to stay listening to his own thoughts for a while. Jason fiddled idly with his phone.
“I’m sorry about leaving like that Jay...I got so caught up in my issues with him I forgot all about...” Gary trailed off, gesturing vaguely with his hand. Jason chuckled warmly.
“Give over Barlow, what’s he going to do? I didn’t see any cupboards in that bar anyway,” he smiled.
“You sure you’re fine?” Gary asked him, looking over at him and finally meeting his eyes. Jason’s bright eyes were gentle and honest. There was something so reassuring about Jason’s simplicity. He was still laughing slightly and he rolled his eyes playfully.
“Don’t know whether you’d noticed Gaz, but I was lucky enough to sleep through most of the cupboard ordeal. Besides, I’d like to see him get close enough to do it again; have you ever seen my husband defending me?” he said with a mischievous grin dancing on his lips.
“Not that I remember,” Gary frowned. Jason’s eyes seemed to sparkle at that.
“Oh, you’d remember if you had,” he winked and Gary was surprised to find himself chuckling. He suspected that had been Jason’s intention, although, from the twinkle of pride in his eyes as he said it, Gary also knew there was truth in his words.
For a little while they returned to silence. Gary rubbed his thumb over his cheek, feeling the scratchy stubble there and narrowing his eyes against the autumn breeze.
“Did you see the way he looked at him Jay?” he sighed at last, still looking straight ahead, still rubbing his thumb along his jaw. The only clear thought he could seize on was the image of Mark’s twinkling eyes, burning amber with intrigue. Intrigue in a man that wasn’t Gary.
“I can’t speak for Mark but...but I know he had it rough with the way they ended. I’m not saying it’s right but...it’s understandable,” Jason said softly. Gary closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He wanted to clear his head of everything and try and look at the situation objectively. But it was too hard for him to do and he rubbed his hands over his face, trying to scrub away the exhaustion he suddenly realised was clinging there.
“He could have told me though,” he muttered, more to himself than to Jason.
“Mark doesn’t enjoy dealing with life,” was Jason’s astute reply.
“It’s all a bit too real isn’t it,” Gary agreed solemnly. So why did he marry me? He didn’t ask it, but Jason heard the question somehow anyway.
“He liked to run away from life with Robbie. He loves the way you keep him safe from life. You make him want to run away a lot less than he used to. I guess...I guess seeing Robbie again leaves him feeling somewhere in between,” he murmured. Gary almost thought he could live with that explanation. He’d rather have heard it from Mark though.
“Is it stupid that I still feel...liked he’s cheated on me somehow?” Gary asked sadly. Jason smiled.
“He’s been thinking about a bloke he used to love and avoiding you so that he doesn’t risk you finding out...yeah, utterly stupid mate, you’re right,” he replied lightly, forcing another reluctant chuckle from Gary. He looked over at Jason from the corner of his eye.
“So come on then Jay; what’s it all mean?” he sighed. Jason scrunched up his face.
“Come on Gaz, you know better than to go asking me questions like that. We’d still be here at midnight if you left that up to me. What do you think?” he prompted. Gary let out a long breath, sitting back and looking up at the sky.
“I love him Jay, even if he is mixed up,” he said at last.
“I never questioned that. I just wanted to know what you were going to do now,” Jason countered.
“The thing is Jay...I’m not strong enough to do the whole ‘get some space’ thing. I’m more of a keep calm and carry on kinda man,” Gary shrugged. Jason nodded slowly, looking down at the ground.
“You’ve got to let him and Rob talk though Gaz...” he began dubiously.
“I will. And then we’ll have to talk too. But then I just want to be able to draw a line under it, get on with life...get on with making this record deal work. That’s a point – someone should phone Jonathan...” Gary replied, his forehead creasing.
“Howard’s already on it,” Jason told him softly, his mind seemingly somewhere else.
“That poor man is so under the thumb,” Gary chuckled gently. Jason smiled fondly, his eyes still distant but the love in them unmistakeable.
“That ‘poor man’ doesn’t seem to object,” he mused quietly.
For a while they sat in silence again. Gary could tell there was something Jason was holding back. They’d known each other long enough to be more aware of the unspoken words than they were of the spoken ones. Jason couldn’t look people in the eye when he was holding back his thoughts – it felt too much like lying as far as he was concerned. Gary knew this, and it made him all the more aware of the way Jason was looking off into the distance, up at the sky, down to his hands.
“Jay, I’m ok I swear. We’ll talk it out, we’ll get on with the job at hand,” Gary tried. Jason sighed.
“I know you will Gaz...I just worry that maybe Mark’s problems go deeper than a ten minute talk,” he shrugged, finally looking into Gary’s eyes. It was something Gary had wondered himself. Briefly. But he’d put it to the back of his mind, out the way, somewhere where it couldn’t upset him, trouble him. He didn’t want to think about it, there were other things that needed his attention now.
“You worry too much Jay,” he dismissed awkwardly. Jason’s eyes knew what Gary was really thinking, but he nodded in acceptance anyway. Jason was kind to him like that.
“That’s me Gaz; always worrying too much. Now come on, let’s head back,” he said softly. Gary gave him a grateful smile and nodded, standing slowly. Jason stood too, hands in pockets.
“You think they’re talking now?” Gary asked him as they walked and Jason simply shrugged.
“Either that or throwing cupboards around,” he grinned playfully, forcing yet another unexpected laugh from Gary’s lips.
***
“What are you doing here Markie?” Robbie’s voice was gentle. Mark recognised this softer side, though he wasn’t sure how many people would. This man, this man from the wrong corner of the wrong city, always on the wrong side of somebody, always finding the wrong ways to pass his time. No. Not many would recognise the right side of Robbie Williams. Mark always thought that was such a shame. Robbie was watching him cautiously across the table, waiting for an answer Mark wasn’t sure he could give. He didn’t really know why he was here, couldn’t be at all sure he understood his own motives. He was here because one of his friends had run into Robbie one day, got chatting to him, got his number, passed it on. But that wasn’t what Robbie meant and Mark knew it.
“I came to see you,” Mark said quietly, not looking into Robbie’s eyes. I’m here because I thought you were the love of my life once. I’m here because no one’s ever made me laugh the way you did. I’m here because no one’s ever made me cry the way you did either. I’m here because you walked out on me one night, you were raving drunk and high on God-knows-what and I was crying and frightened and you never came back and you never told me why. I’m here because, when my head stopped loving you, my heart carried on. He could actually tell him that, he supposed. But that would mean admitting it to himself and that wasn’t what he wanted to do at all.
“Markie I don’t...I don’t know what you want me to say...” Robbie was telling his hands.
“What have you been up to since...since whenever?” Mark asked him in a small voice.
“Sorting myself out. I was a mess for so long...I was a mess the whole time you knew me...” Robbie sighed, tracing one of his tattoos, avoiding Mark’s gaze.
“Not the whole time,” Mark half-whispered. That got Robbie’s attention. His eyes met Mark’s in a second and Mark couldn’t ignore the way his heart quickened under that stare.
“Markie...” Robbie began but Mark cut him off.
“Why did you leave that night?” he interrupted and Robbie looked as though he’d been smacked.
“I don’t know Mark,” he said cagily. Mark wasn’t having any of it.
“I remember you screaming at me, but you weren’t making any sense...I was too scared to ask you what you meant. I thought if I just let you shout then eventually you’d be ok again,” he pressed, chewing his lip nervously. He remembered Robbie screaming at him, telling him to shut up, telling him it was all too hard, that everything was a mess, there was no point trying. Mark had been shaking. When Robbie had gotten like that he was capable of anything. But until that night it had always been better by the morning. Robbie would come home. And he’d be sweet as anything for a few days. It was the Robbie of those days Mark loved. And if he wasn’t messed up now, then was there really any reason for Mark to have fallen out of love with him?
“I was off my head Mark. I was off my head and burnt out,” Robbie mumbled and Mark looked at him with sad, longing eyes.
“But why did you just...go?” he questioned. Robbie shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Because...because I loved you. And I didn’t understand why all I did was screw you up. I thought I was doing you a favour. And...and looking back, looking at the way I was...I think I did do you a favour Markie. You grew up and got a really nice life for yourself...I just carried on breaking things,” Robbie told him, honestly if a little awkwardly.
“You don’t do that now though,” Mark pointed out. Robbie smiled slightly distantly.
“I try not to,” he conceded quietly. Mark smiled back at him.
“We were good when you weren’t breaking things,” he murmured.
“Maybe we were. But you’re better away from that kind of hassle,” Robbie countered.
“I haven’t grown up half as much as you think you know. I’ve just gotten better at pretending I can cope,” Mark replied.
Robbie shifted uncomfortably. He could hear the debate of the football crowd, all raging across the room – straight red card, outrage, soft ref, such a crucial point in the game, cynical tackle. He heard their shouts but the words all got jumbled in with memories of his and Mark’s relationship. Shouting and laughing and raging and dreaming. Both of them trying desperately to avoid growing up.
“I still don’t get why you’re here Markie. You buried me. I made you bury me,” Robbie frowned.
“I never buried you Rob. I just thought you’d buried me. Neither one of us ever said we were over...neither one of us ever said we’d stopped being in love...” Mark spoke slowly, looking off into middle-distance, his head getting lost in a fragment of an emotion he thought he’d forgotten.
“You moved on Mark,” Robbie was half-instructing him.
“I didn’t though. Not really. I found distractions, I wrote myself a new story. But I’ve spent years of my life building up this other life...and just ignoring all the loose threads, the fragments that make up the different ending, the ending we never got the chance to have...” Mark countered swiftly, his hand darting out across the table and coming to rest on Robbie’s arm. Robbie looked over to meet his gaze once more and Mark’s eyes shone with emotions Robbie feared he shouldn’t claim.
“I will always love you Mark. But I will never be right for you. Me and you...we’re just too similar. Two people who struggle to cope can’t be each other’s strength, they just end up dragging each other down” Robbie said resolutely, his eyes revealing how much it hurt him to admit that truth.
“But I don’t know what I need anymore,” Mark whispered.
“You need to work that out by yourself Markie, you don’t want someone like me around distracting you,” Robbie warned.
“I still love you,” Mark said suddenly. He surprised himself by saying it. No sooner were the words out than he thought of Gary. Sweet, safe, warm Gary. He adored Gary. There was no one who could look after him like Gary could. When the world got too much for him, it was Gary who would talk him through it. Or at the very least give him the strength to face up to it. But there were so many other places where he wanted to send his heart. To his music. To his friends. To his lost life with Robbie. Was it selfish to just want to be able to pick up his heart and move it around as he pleased?
“You should go,” Robbie replied softly, shaking Mark from his thoughts. He stood, watching Mark a moment before picking up their glasses and walking swiftly away.
***
Howard slowly brought the phone down from his ear, trying to keep himself calm but failing. When his phone had rung he’d expected Jason to be on the other end. Jason. Panic rose within him again and he glanced down at the time on his mobile. It had been almost three quarters of an hour since Jason had sent him that text telling him to call Jonathan. He chewed on his lip. From his mobile’s display Jason’s face smiled up at him. Howard loved that picture. Gary had taken it, moments before one of Howard’s DJ gigs. Jason’s arms were still half-wrapped around Howard after a long embrace, Howard had one arm slung around Jason’s shoulders whilst Jason laughed mischievously into the camera. Howard’s own expression was one of feigned amazement – if Howard remembered rightly, Jason had been mocking him quietly throughout their embrace. It was a single-moment capture, but it was filled with everything Howard loved about his and Jason’s relationship. Looking down at the picture calmed him for a moment, distracted him from what he had just heard.
It took him a few seconds to get himself together, blinking slightly and then rolling his eyes.
“For God’s sake, get a grip. You haven’t even called ‘im,” he told himself off softly, hitting the speed dial instinctively and then pressing his phone to his ear. Voicemail greeted him and his heart rate quickened. He tried again. And again. Tried Gary. Voicemail. Back to Jason’s number. Still nothing. He was pacing now, the B&B’s ancient floorboards groaning under the strain of his nerves. Outside it was starting to rain and common sense was far from Howard’s mind. Loneliness and rain couldn’t mix in his world without flashbacks. He couldn’t be rational, he couldn’t be sensible. He’d been feeling so nervous of late – irrationally protective of Jason even in the most innocuous of situations. Maybe this was why, maybe he’d somehow sensed this coming. He scolded himself for such a stupid suggestion and tried Jason’s phone again. As he heard Jason’s voicemail once more he couldn’t contain his anger with himself and he flung his phone down onto the bed. He rubbed his temples and took deep breaths, cursing himself the entire time. He shouldn’t trust the world to protect Jason as fiercely as he deserved.
Howard took a deep breath and went over to the window, pressing himself close to the glass and peering out into the street below. No sign of either Jason or Gary. He closed his eyes and returned to the bed, crashing down onto it and taking his phone into his hands again. He wished he hadn’t answered, he’d rather not know. After all, would he actually be worrying this much right now if it wasn’t for that call? He rubbed his eyes and looked back down at that picture. Once more it provided him with a welcome distraction for his thoughts as he allowed himself to study the way Jason held onto him, even as Howard protested that he was being insulted his embrace was still there. As unwavering as Jason himself. He looked at the closeness of their embrace and he wished he could feel it now. No one could still his panic as well as Jason’s embrace could. The problem was, of course, that there was nothing which could panic him more than an extended absence from Jason’s embrace.
Chapter Seven
Howard was just about to lift his phone to his ear once more when he heard the sound of a key in the lock. He found that he couldn’t spin round fast enough and he almost overbalanced himself. The door opened slowly and before Howard had even seen Jason’s face he had already crossed the width of the room with one bound. Jason smiled at him and it was all he could do to throw his arms gratefully around his familiar frame. Jason blinked in confusion, though his arms instinctively returned the gesture and wound themselves around Howard’s torso.
“Christ love, I wasn’t gone that long,” Jason said gently, careful of his tone as he could feel both the panic and the relief that was coursing through his husband. Howard simply squeezed him tighter before pulling back to cup his face in his hands. Howard held them like that for a long time and Jason tried to read what had happened from his husband’s eyes. Glad blueness was all he could find.
“I couldn’t reach you,” Howard stumbled over the words slightly, his brow creasing.
“My phone died. Howard, what’s wrong?” Jason replied, pressing a concerned kiss to Howard’s jaw. Howard crumpled slightly as he felt those lips against his skin and he stepped back slowly, his legs buckling as he bumped into the bed. As he slid to the floor, Jason came down with him, not letting the embrace break, acutely aware of his husband’s need to hold onto him, even if he was unsure as to the reason for it. One of his hands wound its way into Howard’s dark curls and he stroked at them soothingly, still looking up into Howard’s eyes.
“I got this call...and then you were gone so long and...God, I am so glad to see you Jay,” Howard told him in a quiet voice, his hands falling from Jason’s face to his neck as he relaxed ever so slightly. He could feel Jason’s arm still wrapped around him and it steadied him.
“Sorry love, but you know what Gaz is like. We had to get some food down him before he felt right again and by the time we’d found somewhere free of any ex-boyfriends my phone was already dead. What on earth was this call about if it’s got you so worked up?” Jason frowned. Howard let out a long breath, the last of his panic finally subsiding under Jason’s even tone. He pressed a single kiss to Jason’s forehead, closing his eyes then leaning their foreheads together.
“It was from Anna...” he said finally and he felt Jason tense and lean into him instinctively. Howard realised then it was his turn to be strong and he was grateful of the chance to prove he could be.
“Anna the liaisons officer Anna?” Jason asked quietly, looking nervously up into Howard’s face.
“I overreacted,” Howard said quickly, determined to dispel any fear from his husband’s eyes. Jason smiled a fond sort of a smile.
“Course you did, that’s what you do. Now go on,” he nodded gently. Howard almost grinned. There was no hint of reprimand in the remark. Jason relied upon Howard overreacting, took comfort in it, found a certain amount of security in the knowledge that even the slightest of falls in life would be fought against and avenged by a man who championed him relentlessly.
“It’s Emily...she’s gone missing,” Howard murmured. Jason looked up at him in silence for a moment, his blue eyes were bright with confusion. He tried to unpick the logic of it, tried to imagine that part of his life suddenly not being over, and he flinched slightly. Howard held him tightly through it.
“Missing,” Jason repeated thoughtfully, his initial worry turning itself over into something Howard couldn’t quite pinpoint.
“In my head my world was ending all over again,” Howard told him honestly, a tear unexpectedly escaping from the corner of his eye. Jason’s face was caring and he moved himself even closer to Howard, close enough for Howard to be able to listen to his heart beating.
“Oh love,” he murmured and Howard gave him a weak smile.
“I was all ready to hate myself for losing you again you know,” he sighed and Jason laughed affectionately, brushing the back of his hand along Howard’s cheek.
“What more could you do to protect me though, eh? Lock me in and throw away the key?” he teased, his hands still soft against Howard’s skin, his eyes still understanding.
“It was raining and I couldn’t find you Jay,” Howard whispered back. Jason knew every inch of emotion buried in those words, and he knew there was no reason to try and diminish the importance of it. He held Howard’s gaze a moment before silently shifting in their embrace, his tender fingers moving to Howard’s neck. Slowly and gently he untied Howard’s scarf, pulling it from his neck and then moving even closer. Taking the end of the scarf he brushed lightly at the tear which was running down Howard’s cheek, wiping it away. His hand came to rest on Howard’s other cheek. He looked into his eyes with a loving smile, kissed the corner of Howard’s eye, his cheekbone and his jaw before giving him one last long look and then pressing a lingering kiss against his lips.
Howard gladly took Jason into his arms and he let the kiss draw out, the taste of Jason’s lips against his own a treasured familiarity. Through the fabric of Jason’s shirt Howard could feel the warmth of his skin and he pulled him still closer. He enjoyed the chance to forget the fact there was a world beyond them. A world that didn’t look after them the way they looked after each other. Howard could feel the ridges of Jason’s fingerprints, the flicker of his eyelashes. He knew the kiss was ending, but he tightened his embrace. Jason opened his eyes and tilted his head slightly, looking up into Howard’s eyes, his fingers still absently moving through Howard’s dark hair. He could see words on Howard’s lips which weren’t forthcoming.
“Tell me,” he murmured and Howard smiled slightly.
“I don’t think I can share you,” he admitted at last.
***
Gary didn’t look over at him as he entered the room, his eyes staying trained on the rainstorm outside. Mark swallowed and pushed his sopping locks from his forehead. Dripping tendrils of hair clung to his scalp, his coat and scarf drenched and water seeping into his boots (which evidently weren’t as sturdy as they looked.) He stood awkwardly by the door, too wet to sit on the bed and too uneasy to go over to join Gary by the window. The silence between the two of them was punctuated by the rain which rapped its fingers loudly against the glass. Mark almost winced at the noise. Gary didn’t flinch once.
“You’re back,” Gary said. The statement was both blank and pointless and the lack of emotion in his voice made Mark’s shoulders tense. He could feel the rainwater seeping through his clothes to his skin, cold and icy and awful, and yet, surprisingly, his throat was dry. He almost choked as he tried to use his voice.
“Yeah,” he replied dully. The conversation was as empty as it was loaded.
“Good talk?” Gary questioned, sounding a little strained but still frighteningly even-toned.
“Y...yeah...” Mark stammered this time. How was he supposed to answer that? The truth would do no good; the truth was the talk had hardly answered any of Mark’s questions. All the talk had succeeded in doing was confusing him further. Something distant and treasured from the depths of his heart was closer to the surface than he wanted to admit. And he definitely couldn’t tell Gary that. But then, Mark hated telling the truth even to himself sometimes. Gary turned to look at him.
“You married me Mark. Me!” his voice hardened and cracked, something close to tears on the tip of his tongue, something close to anger flashing across the handsome lines of his face. That strong jaw of his set firm, his blue eyes glittering wildly and his dark eyebrows frowning a little. Mark would have noticed the vulnerability in that stare if he had only thought to look. But he was too vulnerable himself to dare to meet that gaze and he crumpled instantly, half-falling to the floor, raking his fingers through his dripping brown hair.
“I know that! I know! But I never closed the book on him Gaz, he never let me!” he pleaded, his eyes on the floor as he pulled his legs up to his chest. Gary was frozen to his spot. He wanted to go over to Mark, he wanted to comfort him, he wanted to make him better, fix him. But he couldn’t quite shake that creeping feeling of betrayal. He couldn’t see how his arms could fit around those shoulders.
“And is it closed now?” he demanded, his voice louder and harsher than he meant it to be, every sharp edge emphasised disproportionately in the white-noise that stretched between them.
“As closed as it’ll ever be,” Mark mumbled forlornly into his scarf. He couldn’t see an end to it. He couldn’t see an end to any of it. The confusion. That lost sensation in the pit of his stomach. The strange feeling of falling that came over him every time life got hard.
“What?” Gary asked him abruptly, making him jump slightly. He looked up, reluctantly lifting his head from his hands, his eyes wide and watery. Gary was powerless to stop the love that coloured in the corners of his heart when he saw those sparkling blue-green eyes. They were grey from lack of sleep but were no less bright. He softened a little. Mark didn’t notice.
“We said what we had to say Gaz. We said it. And that conversation is...is over...” Mark whispered, looking down at his hands and picking at a loose thread in his scarf. Over was so final though, wasn’t it? Over was too harsh. He didn’t like the feel of it on his lips.
Gary’s shoulders sagged and he rubbed a hand over his face, looking around the room before finally letting his eyes fall back on Mark. He was hunched over, legs pulled tightly to his chest, soaked to the skin and still dripping. He looked so fragile. Like a kid who wasn’t quite ready to grow up.
“You could have said something...I would’ve listened...I would’ve...I would’ve tried to understand...” Gary sighed at last, tracing a line across his forehead with his fingertips.
“It was never the right time. I didn’t even know what the right time was,” Mark sniffed. Gary looked over at him once more and he broke. He let out a long sigh and came slowly across the room, lowering himself onto the edge of the bed.
“You’re soaked,” he said softly, tenderly almost. Mark looked up at him with a rueful smile.
“I thought it never rained in London,” he replied quietly and Gary shook his head fondly.
“Only in your fairy tale edition of the atlas Markie,” he smiled, grabbing his coat from behind him on the bed and leaning over to tuck it around Mark’s shoulders. Mark snuggled into the fabric instantly, gratefully. It smelt vaguely of chocolate and Gary’s shampoo and Mark pulled it tightly around him, closing his eyes a moment to feel its safety.
“Fairy tales make it look so easy,” he remarked distantly. Gary simply smiled.
“No one ever has to wear practical clothes in fairy tales,” he nodded and Mark smiled, opening his eyes again and looking up into Gary’s face.
“We ok again Gaz?” he asked timidly. Gary looked at him a moment. He couldn’t help but think he had been won over too easily, but he couldn’t bear to be angry with Mark any longer, he didn’t enjoy it, he didn’t relish it. It simply drained him.
“Yeah. We’re ok,” he agreed and Mark pulled himself up thankfully into Gary’s arms.
***
Jason and Howard sat side by side at the foot of the bed, their heads tipped back onto the mattress as they stared at the ceiling. Howard’s fingers played absently with Jason’s and he locked their little fingers together, winding his hand around so as to pull Jason’s hand closer. The quiet was comfortable and the spatter of the raindrops on the window was muffled behind the curtains. It seemed like a world away to both of them as they lost themselves in their thoughts.
“I don’t think I’m her problem anymore, you know?” Jason said at last, his voice quiet and rough. His voice was so gentle it hardly scratched the peace of their silence at all and Howard continued to interlace their fingers as if nothing had been said. He looked up at the ceiling with calm blue eyes, thinking over Jason’s words for a moment before he spoke.
“No. I don’t think you are,” he agreed softly, his forehead creasing slightly.
“In a funny sort of a way, she’s saved my life twice over,” Jason added.
“She’s brought you back to me twice I know that much,” Howard told him, his voice a little gravelly. Jason tilted his head slightly, looking at Howard with bright blue eyes and a small smile.
“Actually that’s what I meant,” he murmured and Howard too turned his head, his eyes meeting Jason’s. He let out a low, warm chuckle and there was a hint of delight in his quiet smile back at Jason. Wordlessly they both turned their eyes back to the ceiling. The smile didn’t leave the corner of Howard’s lips and Jason gave his fingers a small squeeze.
“It doesn’t change things though, does it,” Howard said slowly, chewing the inside of his mouth. Jason let out a long, thoughtful sigh, his blue eyes clouding.
“It doesn’t change the fact you can’t share me,” he murmured and Howard smiled slightly.
“I can’t trust the world to keep you safe...I can’t hand any part of you over to millions of strangers and trust them to treat you the way I want you to be treated...” he tried to explain but Jason stilled his lips with another firm squeeze of his hand and Howard tipped his head to look back into Jason’s eyes. They looked at each other a moment then Jason shrugged slightly.
“You didn’t have to tell me Donald; I knew,” he whispered. Howard smiled at him.
“Course you did,” he replied quietly and Jason laughed softly.
“I don’t think either one of us is any good at trusting strangers,” he said honestly and Howard was grateful to hear the same protectiveness echoed in Jason’s voice.
“So...what do we tell Gaz and Mark?” Howard asked nervously and Jason sucked in a breath.
“That we’re sorry,” he answered quietly.
“You reckon they’re done sorting their issues yet?” Howard sighed but Jason didn’t seem to be listening. He was studying Howard’s ruggedly handsome face; the ragged stubble of his jawline, the rocky blue of his eyes and the way every expression was marked by a different line.
“Do you know what? I don’t care,” Jason said gently. His voice wasn’t harsh or angry, just soft and thoughtful. It was as if he was surprised by the realisation. Howard arched an eyebrow.
“Ok...” he said slowly, slightly uncertain.
“I just want to forget there’s a world out there Howard, just for a little while...I don’t want any of it. The record deal, Emily, Gaz and Mark. I just want our world. You and me. Please,” he begged Howard quietly and Howard smiled fondly at him.
“And how do we forget all that exactly?” he questioned calmly and Jason’s expression changed. Something sparked in those blue eyes and Jason pushed himself up a little, sitting up and edging a little closer to Howard. As Jason’s hand fell from his own, Howard too sat up and moved towards Jason, longing for the contact to be returned to him. Jason looked back at him unwaveringly and Howard searched his face a moment, confusion touching his forehead. Jason simply smiled back, wordlessly moving his hands to the buttons of his shirt. Howard watched, too mesmerised by Jason’s eyes to really take in the silent movement of Jason’s fingers on the buttons, each one undone slowly until his shirt was loose and open. Jason tilted his head a little.
“Well? I thought I was yours,” he whispered and Howard smiled, closing the final gap between them and placing a lingering kiss against Jason’s lips.
“Oh, you are mine,” he assured him and then silently he slid the shirt from Jason’s shoulders, pushing it softly down his muscular arms and letting it drop, forgotten, to the floor.
***
The air was thick with calm as the dim room settled into stillness. Howard smiled lazily to himself, rubbing a hand over his face and rolling onto his side. He propped himself up on his elbow and took a moment to enjoy the feelings humming through him. Jason’s slim, elegant form was stretched out by his side, the warmth of his skin close, his breaths falling in with Howard’s rhythm. There were the faded fragments of a smile resting on his lips, unrecognizable except to Howard, who could chart every beat of Jason’s heart from just one fleck of colour in his stare. Howard’s smile tipped over into something more fond as he took in Jason’s tousled hair, a fine sheen still gracing his skin, curling his hair and sticking strands to his forehead. He bent and pressed a kiss against them, pulling back enough to brush the strands away, drawing Jason’s eyes up to his. He was gorgeously dishevelled, unguarded and given over completely. Utterly Howard’s. Howard could see it in his eyes and he traced his finger across Jason’s jawline. Instinctively Jason leant up to him and they shared a kiss as Jason’s arms wound round Howard’s torso. He folded himself against Howard’s chest and then tucked his head beneath his chin. Howard held him tight and fell back against the pillows, inviting the stillness to rejoin them.
Jason broke the quiet first; reluctantly but calmly, pressing a kiss to Howard’s shoulder before he spoke. Howard tipped his head to look down into Jason’s eyes.
“We should tell Gaz,” he said, his voice rough and warm. Howard smiled at him mischievously.
“Love, I’m not sure he’d want to know,” he teased lightly, an affectionate glower his reward.
“Do you ever stop?” Jason sighed, kissing Howard’s jaw lightly.
“Eh, for once, this was all your fault,” Howard grinned back unashamedly, gesturing to the tangle of sheets and arms which they were locked in. Jason could only roll his eyes.
“My point still stands. We can’t just leave a note and run exactly!” Jason scolded Howard softly.
“Can’t we?” Howard asked hopefully and Jason looked up with twinkling blue eyes.
“Don’t even think about it. Now come on, off me, I need to get dressed,” he smiled and Howard pulled a face, pinning Jason back against the mattress just long enough to press a lingering kiss to his lips before releasing him and flopping back down onto the bed. Jason dragged himself into a sitting position and Howard watched as he began to redress.
“I love you,” Howard said quietly after a moment, surprising himself slightly. Jason simply looked back over his shoulder, smiling.
“I know you do,” he replied.
“Just checking,” Howard told him.
“You could come with me you know...play the dutiful husband for a change,” Jason remarked and Howard laughed, ruffling his tangled black curls and grimacing.
“Go on then, if I have to. Can I at least have a shower first though?” he groaned, pushing himself up.
“As long as you’re quick. I know you, love. You’ve got a hair care regime most hairdressers couldn’t be fagged with,” Jason warned as Howard made his way towards the bathroom. Howard simply grinned at him and stretched before disappearing into the bathroom, leaving Jason on his own to smile and shake his head.
***
Somehow Gary had known it was coming. There was something about the way Jason held onto Howard’s hand. Howard’s hair was damp and dripping in his eyes, helping him to avoid focusing on either Mark or Gary, but Jason was altogether more direct, whatever insecurity he felt kept privately between his and Howard’s clasped fingers, his natural inclination towards honesty winning over any unease he felt inside. Mark was sat cross-legged on the bed, raking his fingers through his hair and looking for all the world like he hadn’t heard a word Jason had said. Gary closed his eyes and turned towards the window, resting his forehead against the freezing glass and letting out a long sigh. Why was it always up to him to play boss? Why did he have to be in charge?
“So you’re going back then?” he asked at last and Jason bit his lip.
“There’s trains back to Manchester every twenty minutes Gaz, there’s no point sticking around. Look, mate...I am sorry, you know? But this whole thing...it’s what I wanted a long time ago. Before I’d really worked anything out. My whole life, my priorities, my ambitions...they’ve all changed since then – and I don’t just mean since Howard. I am sorry though. I really am,” he sighed heavily, his voice thick with something that Gary couldn’t place. Worry? But worry for what? He was going home. Worry about his reaction? He turned away from the window and smiled sadly at Jason.
“Don’t be Jay, Mark and me will figure something out,” he tried and Jason nodded uncertainly.
“Jonathan will have a panic attack,” Mark said with a childish sort of smile and Howard grinned.
“Why else do you think we decided to go home?!” he joked and Mark’s eyes sparkled.
“Coz you know where you want to be,” he shrugged honestly and Howard nodded slowly.
“Good answer,” he said, squeezing Jason’s hand a little tighter.
“Gaz...” Jason said a little hesitantly. Gary knew Jason well enough to know that hesitation. That was his hesitation before a truth. He respected honesty, admired it in others and made a habit of being honest himself. He thought it was patronizing to lie to people about how he felt about things for too long. But he was tactful too, he knew honesty didn’t always come without consequences.
“Go on Jay, it’s fine,” Gary assured him slowly and Jason licked his lips in thought.
“The thing is I...I went along with this for your sake Gaz. And you know I believe you’re good enough for it and you know I will always support you, I’m your mate, it’s what I’m here for. It’s just...I’m not actually sure it is for your sake anymore. Or Mark’s. Do you know what I mean?” his voice was soft and slow and a frown creased his forehead as he tried to find the right words.
“Jay, music is who I am, you know that,” Gary shrugged and Jason’s eyes clouded a little.
“No, that’s not what I meant...oh I don’t know Gaz, maybe I just worry too much like everyone’s always telling me. I’m just not sure this is actually going to be good for either of you in the long-run,” he murmured, glancing anxiously at Howard who could only offer him a faint smile. Gary swallowed and turned back to look out of the widow. Mark turned his attention his hands. Neither one of them was going to admit to needing the distraction. In any case, there didn’t seem much point in admitting to something Jason already knew.
Chapter Eight
Mark looked out at the early morning sky. It was grey, indistinguishable from the colour the sky had been as he’d stood at this same window and watched Howard and Jason leave. Howard’s hand on the small of Jason’s back as they waited for the taxi, Jason leaning into him. Mark could tell there was a light tone to their exchanges, something about the way Howard held his shoulders and Jason tipped his head. Jason was probably asking Howard what he wanted for dinner. It was that simple to them; life, that is. They bickered so often, and they weren’t without their arguments. Mark had watched them have a full blown fight once; the honesty was brutal, the swearing blunt, the love palpable. He remembered thinking they were brave to be that honest. He wasn’t brave enough, after all. And he didn’t think Gary was either. Both of them feared being stripped back that much by anyone. With a world so big and scary and changeable, how could it ever be sensible to surrender yourself completely, to run that risk of total trust? Stood here now though, watching the anonymous greyness of the clouds, Mark wondered if he hadn’t got that jumbled somehow. Maybe the only way to survive was to find someone to surrender to instead of losing little pieces of yourself to your past. Wasn’t a little broken part of his heart still in Robbie’s hands? Hell, there were bits and pieces of him up and down this bloody country. Knock-backs, set-backs, scrapes. Dark little corners of the world someone like him shouldn’t ever wander into were still holding onto the pieces of him they had managed to chip away – he’d always been that bit too mild mannered to say no to them or tell them to leave him be.
Mark turned and looked at Gary sleeping. He didn’t look like a man who had been waiting half his life for this day. He looked tired. And not just because of his closed eyes. Everything about him looked tired. His skin like hessian with that threadbare fade. His shoulders were tense, even in his sleep. He hardly moved, like a man unconscious. Gary could sleep through anything, but he used to move more, of that Mark was sure. Mark’s heart might be littered across the country, but he was still bound close to this gorgeous man, somehow or other Gary could cling onto him in a way that no one else had managed to. Mark had usually run away by now. Maybe Gary was just that little bit safer than anything else he’d ever known. Or maybe he’d just not had anything to run to until now.
It was that thought that brought him back to earth. There was a reason he had risen this early. He turned swiftly from the window, picking up his satchel and swinging it across his body before his eyes came to rest on the bed. Gary was dead to the world when Mark pressed a brief kiss to his forehead. Not even the dull thud of the door closing on Mark’s departing figure was enough to stir him.
***
Howard shuffled down the corridor. He was half-asleep, the previous day was half-forgotten and he was only half-aware of where he was going. But for all his half-heartedness, he was propelled forwards by the intuitive sense that he was getting closer to being in Jason’s presence once more. Even through the foggiest remnants of sleep he had been aware of the ache of waking up with Jason already out of bed. It was with relief that he collapsed on the breakfast bar, amidst the smell of breakfast and the sound of Jason humming to himself and the feel of home. Jason turned around and watched him a moment. His eyes scanned Howard’s bent back, his muscular arms at awkward angles, his dark locks tangled. Satisfied that nothing was seriously wrong except a small case of morning-head, he smiled fondly and moved across the kitchen, stooping briefly to press a kiss to Howard’s upper arm. Howard stirred at that, sitting up groggily and looking round, aware of Jason’s presence moving away from him again and yet reluctant to open his eyes or venture speech. Jason silently took the throw cover from the sofa and Howard felt his gentle touch as the cover was tucked around his shoulders. He smiled as another kiss was pressed against the chestnut strands in his sleep-shaggy curls.
“Morning love,” Jason said with kind softness in his tone.
“What’s for breakfast?” Howard finally managed to form words and Jason laughed quietly.
“Should’ve known that would be the first thing on your mind. It’s homemade porridge. With honey...” Jason began and Howard grinned sleepily.
“And none of that health food hippy shit,” he and Jason finished in unison. Jason’s eyes sparkled as he shook his head and turned back to what he was doing.
“I don’t know what you’ve got against that stuff. It’s good for you!” he muttered. Howard pushed himself into an upright position, tugging the throw a little tighter around him and resting his chin on his hand. He ignored Jason’s remark, his brain finally catching up with him.
“Did yesterday actually happen?” he asked through a yawn and Jason chuckled, reaching into a cupboard and retrieving a bowl. He paused there a moment and let out a sigh.
“I think so...wouldn’t it all be incredibly simple if it hadn’t though? Do you want any orange juice love or are you sticking to coffee?” he asked casually. The corner of Howard’s lips quirked up at that. It was charmingly dismissive.
“Both would be nice if you could. Hey, since I have a claim to half of everything we own, do I have the right to put up curtains in here? My head is killing me,” he grumbled back good naturedly. Jason’s piercing blue eyes fixed on him with a flash. Howard looked him up and down. He was dressed in those old tracksuit bottoms again, wearing Howard’s hoody again, looking for all the world like he had never left that spot. This was why he found it so hard to share in Gary and Mark’s dream; the thought of losing these moments or making them fewer. Making them rarer would not make them more treasured in Howard’s eyes. In his eyes every single one of these moments was unique. The sequence of the banter, the order the smiles formed on Jason’s lips, the different ways their eyes found to meet.
“I think you’ll find you own the back half of the apartment,” Jason assured him steadily.
“Good, curtains in the bedroom it is,” Howard beamed and Jason pursed his lips in an effort to hold back a smile. Howard tilted his head and Jason took a step closer to the breakfast bar.
“Fuck off,” he said bluntly, arms folding, eyes determined.
“Fuck off yourself,” Howard retorted and Jason narrowed his eyes.
“You’re a nuisance Donald,” Jason told him.
“And a nightmare and a mess and your husband,” Howard nodded in reply. Jason’s lips formed a perfect line of disapproval, eyes still sparkling.
“You’re still not getting curtains,” he said simply, making Howard laugh.
“Never really wanted ‘em love, just enjoy getting you fired up before I’ve even had breakfast,” he grinned shamelessly and Jason worked hard to suppress his smile, grabbing up a tea towel and launching it at Howard.
“You’re so bloody full of yourself sometimes Howard, you know that?” he huffed out at last, scrutinising Howard with that brazen blue stare of his.
“Yeah but you like the challenge,” Howard shot back.
In silence they returned to what they had been doing before. Howard slumped back across the breakfast bar slightly and Jason dished up breakfast. Jason only spoke when he placed the bowl down in front of Howard, moving to his side, his breath brushing Howard’s ear.
“I hope you know; I love the challenge,” he murmured, placing a kiss to the top of Howard’s head and then disappearing down the corridor for his morning shower. It took a lot of willpower for Howard not to follow him.
***
It was the wind that woke Gary first, his alarm a creeping second place as it added its high-pitched whines to the battering swirl outside. He sighed, bracing himself for the coldness to hit as soon as he reached his hand out of the duvet. He opened one eye, groping around for his phone and finally silencing it before rolling onto his back. As he did so, he finally noticed the empty bed at his side. There was still a dent in the pillow that smelt of Mark’s shampoo, still an untidy heap of coins and old train tickets on the bedside table. Gary pushed himself up in the bed, frowning and rubbing his eyes as if he thought the action might clear his vision and reveal Mark was simply so small he had slipped from the pillow and under the duvet without Gary realising. But no. His eyes refocused and Mark was still gone.
A spray of harsh rain was suddenly beating, haphazard, across the window’s thin glass, drawing Gary’s attention to the open curtains. They hadn’t been open when he’d gone to sleep. He rubbed a hand over his forehead, trying to think more clearly, and scanned his eyes around the small room. There was a space on the floor by the window where Mark’s satchel and boots had been strewn but, Gary noted with relief, his suitcase was still open by the side of the bed. He had gotten an early start, but it wasn’t an early start home. He was still adjusting to losing his best friends from this venture, without his husband falling away too.
Thinking of Jason and Howard made his heart sink a little. He hadn’t wanted them to go. And, strangely enough, he recognised a reluctance to leave from Howard and Jason themselves. They wanted to be with him for this, they did. There was just so much at stake for them. With them gone, Gary couldn’t help but feel like someone had just hacked off a limb whilst apologising profusely for doing so. Anger didn’t seem appropriate but the feeling of disorientation was acute. He smiled slightly sadly as he thought about it, because the emotion was obviously familiar to Jason too since he had texted him at regular intervals for the entirety of his journey back to Manchester. And Jason normally hated using his phone unnecessarily.
His eyes a little more awake, Gary picked his mobile back up off the bedside table and made sure he hadn’t overslept. But he hadn’t. And there was no text or missed phone call from Mark either. So where had he gone? He could be skittish at the best of times but leaving without word...leaving without somehow managing to wake Gary up; that was strange.
***
Mark ran his fingers along the brickwork, closing his eyes and tasting the clogged-up London air. The ends of his fringe scratched his skin and his breath was ragged, though he couldn’t explain why. He could feel the cold against his back and he used it to help brace himself. He scolded himself, asked himself what the point of coming was if he didn’t think he could go through with it. He forgot to ask himself why he was so scared. Through the doors, which were slightly ajar, he could hear that familiar voice, petulant and brash, dipping in and out of a debate. The argument was either about football or war, Mark couldn’t quite decide. He just liked the way disagreement sounded when it came from those lips. They formed words a different way to how Gary’s did. Gary. Every muscle in Mark’s body tensed at the simple thought of Gary’s name. For a small second he wondered if, somewhere out there, there might be another version of himself still lying peacefully by Gary’s side. It was a nice thought, Mark mused, because it meant that somewhere out there some version of Gary was being loved properly.
From inside the pub, another laughing barb erupted. Mark turned his head towards it, Gary neglected. Just that voice alone could turn Mark into the person he had been back then. He wasn’t entirely confident he had changed anyway. Maybe that was why it suddenly came so easily to him to slip in through the door of the pub without invitation. He and Robbie had never been invited anywhere, back in the day. They’d still always gone though. Robbie had always made sure it had looked like he owned the place, only Mark had known he was terrified inside.
“We’re not open,” a tall, balding man said automatically. Landlord, Mark guessed. He wore a t-shirt with ‘To dare is to do’ printed in block capitals across the front and he didn’t look at Mark as he spoke. Mark found most Londoners the same; it was as though they could sense he was from up North and made an instant judgement that he was simply not worth their time. Of course, Mark himself hardly spared the man a glance. His eyes were locked on Robbie. He propped up the bar with his heavy arms tensed, his dark hair at morning angles, those eyes a dangerous sort of murky that Mark remembered all too well.
“It’s alright mate, I know ‘im,” Robbie half-muttered to the landlord who finally stopped what he was doing to look Mark up and down.
“Fine, he can stay then. Just no mates’ rates, y’ hear?” he warned, nodding dismissively at Mark before heading out to the back.
Robbie still looked at Mark with those heavy eyes of his and the silence stretched for some time.
“What are you doing back here again Markie?” he asked at last. Mark was almost startled by how soft his voice sounded. These sorts of conversations were once conducted in screams and spits.
“Please don’t be cross with me Rob...I only want to see you...you know once you would have killed for me to turn up begging for you to see me,” Mark murmured, his eyes a little distant, his smile slightly confused, as though he knew he shouldn’t be so fond of those memories but couldn’t help himself. Robbie seemed just as caught and he visibly softened at Mark’s words.
“Yeah, and it was always my own bloody fault you didn’t. Sit down Mark, I’ll put the kettle on,” he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes. Mark watched him with curiosity.
“The times I actually did come, you always used to offer me a lot stronger than just tea,” he commented quietly as Robbie went into a small alcove behind the bar and busied himself with the kettle. He looked at his hands and not at Mark.
“Yeah well, I’ve stopped all that shit now,” he mumbled. Mark tilted his head to one side.
“The drink?” he asked and Robbie smiled sadly to himself, shaking his head.
“Sort of. But mostly I meant the running away,” he corrected and Mark watched in silence as he finished making the tea.
***
Jason stood, arms wrapped around himself, looking out at the wintery skies that hung over Manchester. For a moment Howard watched him, hovering at the end of the corridor, reluctant to disturb the peace. Jason’s brow was furrowed slightly, his eyes glazed and brilliant blue. An unusual stillness radiated from him; Jason was beautiful but rarely still. Howard buried his hand in his hair and let out a long sigh, crossing the lounge and coming up behind Jason. His arm snaked around Jason’s waist and he sneaked his hand under the fabric of the hoody, his palm grazing Jason’s hip and then his stomach. Howard couldn’t help but smile as Jason allowed himself to sink into the touch, instinctively tipping his head to just enough to let Howard place a kiss to the base of his neck.
“Has thinking about it made it better yet?” Howard asked softly as Jason finally turned to face him. He gently brushed at the strands of Jason’s fringe and Jason smiled tiredly.
“What makes you so sure you know what I’m thinking about?” he sighed. Howard simply chuckled quietly, kissing Jason’s forehead.
“Oh love, you know I know you,” he grinned and Jason smiled up at him thoughtfully.
“Mm. Better than anyone else,” he murmured. Howard could only smile at that; a half-daft smile that touched the corners of his bright, roughish eyes.
“Well in that case, my question still stands,” he managed to counter at last, wrapping both his arms a little more tightly around Jason’s middle.
“Ah, but if you really do know me, then don’t you know the answer,” Jason tried, closing his eyes and letting himself sink against Howard’s strong chest.
“Maybe I do, maybe I’m just trying to get you to talk,” Howard suggested and Jason laughed.
“Mm, maybe you are. Maybe I’ll even let you get away with it,” he replied.
“You always do,” Howard told him with a grin, kissing his temple. Jason seemed to take a certain amount of encouragement from the action and as Howard’s lips touched his skin, he drew his shoulders up a little, though he still let Howard support most of his weight.
“I enjoyed being in the band...and the thing about being in that sort of unit is...you’re all responsible for each other. Looking after each other was important to me Howard, it’s always been my issue. But you know what? We just jumped out the fucking plane and took all the parachutes with us,” he let out in a breath and Howard smiled sadly, nodding.
“Yup,” he agreed bluntly. He couldn’t deny it, and there was no point in trying.
“But that’s not even my biggest fear anymore,” Jason added and Howard looked down at him with eyes that shone. He’d already known that fact, Jason realised with a quiet smile.
“You’re worried about Gaz aren’t you,” Howard said, turning his attention to Jason’s fringe once more, his fingers brushing at Jason’s forehead. Jason swallowed, taking a deep breath.
“I think something’s wrong Howard. I think something’s wrong and him and Mark would rather distract themselves with this than face up to it,” he admitted. As the words finally fell out, Howard held him, silent and steady.
“Yesterday was weird, you know? I mean, I didn’t expect Gaz to just...recover the way he did. If I ever saw you look at someone the way Mark looked at Robbie? You might as well just punch me in the fucking gut,” Howard grimaced, shaking his head. Jason looked up at him, his eyes soft and fond.
“You know that’s sort of romantic...in a blunt kind of a way,” he told Howard quietly. Howard shrugged, glancing back down to meet Jason’s eyes.
“True though,” he assured him and Jason nodded.
“I know. I feel the same,” he said quietly before tucking his head back under Howard’s chin.
“It ain’t right Jay,” Howard remarked distantly.
“No...I didn’t think it was. But I hoped I was just going mad,” Jason sighed and Howard grinned slightly.
“Oh, you went mad a long time ago love,” he joked and Jason jabbed him in the ribs.
“You’re not fucking funny you know,” he smirked.
“But I got you smiling at least,” Howard pointed out, seeming to be rather pleased with himself. Jason saw the pride in his eyes and he couldn’t help but love him all the more for it.
“Your favourite past time,” he suggested and Howard simply broadened his grin.
“No. My favourite past time is life, making you smile is my full time occupation,” he beamed. Jason looked up at him with smiling blue eyes.
“You’re a soppy bastard,” he said, not bothering to hide the upturned corners of his lips.
“And yet you love me,” Howard shrugged and Jason tilted his head slightly.
“Mm. And you love me too,” he shot back quickly, making Howard chuckle, pulling Jason even closer and then tugging him away from the window, peppering kisses across his skin as he guided them both backwards until they collapsed onto the sofa. Jason laughed, pressing a lingering kiss of his own against Howard’s lips before curling up against Howard’s side.
“That’s settled then...now...what were we talking about?” Howard asked him cheekily and Jason smirked, shaking his head.
“How I’m scared to death that my best friend’s going to get hurt,” he said matter-of-factly, resting his head on Howard’s shoulder. Howard nodded slowly, resting his head on top of Jason’s.
“Oh yeah, I remember now. Think I preferred the kissing to be honest,” he replied. Jason rolled his eyes affectionately.
“You would,” he sighed, but before Howard could reply, the sound of someone knocking tentatively on the front door interrupted the peace of the apartment. Jason sat up slightly, frowning then looking at Howard.
“Don’t look at me, my family always phone first,” he shrugged and Jason smiled.
“And my lot never do...so I guess that makes it my responsibility to get the door...” he sighed and Howard nodded cheekily.
“Yes, yes it does,” he agreed, laughing as Jason swatted at him on his way to the door.
***
“You never did tell me what you’re doing back here Markie,” Robbie sighed heavily as he sat down, placing two mugs on the table and avoiding Mark’s eyes.
“Coz the ‘what ifs’ drive me mad when I let them,” Mark told him honestly, looking at his hands. Robbie’s shoulders sagged and he leant his elbows on the table, rubbing his hands over his face.
“God Mark do we have to go through this?” he asked. He didn’t want to think about all the things he felt for Mark. And he definitely didn’t want to remember all things he’d put Mark through.
“Go through what Rob? Do you really hate me that much?!” Mark squeaked, looking up, trying to get Robbie to look at him, his eyes scared. Robbie jolted at the thought. His wide eyes met Mark’s in an instant and the two men froze, memories swimming in the small space between them.
“You think I hate you?” Robbie whispered. So sad, so soft. Mark felt an ache somewhere in his ribcage as he looked at those anguished eyes.
“You did leave me...I never understood why everyone expected me to face up to the end of something that neither one of us ever ended,” he murmured. Robbie’s eyes were so close to tears that the salt stung him and he closed them, bringing his hands to his face yet again.
“Oh Markie I...I loved you...I always did love you. I never hated you once...” he began.
“You never said you did. Even the times you screamed at me, you never said you hated me,” Mark acknowledged, looking distantly at the floor. Robbie peered out from behind his hands.
“Coz I never could Markie...and that’s why I never ended it. I didn’t want it to end. I was scared of ending it but I was scared of hurting you if I didn’t. So I just...went. There was so much booze down my neck...” he recalled slowly.
“And the rest,” Mark put in with a sudden note of anger that Robbie knew he deserved.
“Yeah...and the rest. I was half-dead on chemicals and shit scared of everything, of having to be a proper person...and at the time, just leaving seemed...it seemed like a really good idea,” Robbie tried to make Mark understand. His eyes were pleading wildly. And the silly thing was, Mark did understand. Maybe he was one of the only people who could.
“Do you still love me?” Mark whispered and Robbie stilled instantly. Just because he was trying to be a grown-up these days didn’t mean he liked doing it, didn’t make it easier for him to do. But the truth should probably be owned up to. Wasn’t that the mature approach?
“More than I should,” he admitted quietly. Mark smiled at him; vague and small but a smile nonetheless.
“Guess that’s what happens when you don’t have an ending...well...I suppose we did have an ending, of sorts. But it never felt that way to me,” he replied. Robbie looked at him a moment.
“So...what does that make this exactly?” he asked.
“Dunno...a different ending?” Mark suggested.
“Is that why you came here; to end it?” Robbie was tentative and nervous. Mark’s head moved oh-so-slightly. A tiny, almost imperceptible, shake of the head. His eyes were fixed on Robbie’s now.
“No...no, I never wanted it to end,” he said. Robbie’s heart froze in his chest and for a moment he let himself believe that that was ok. But it wasn’t ok. Him and Mark; such a perfect fit for the good times but never more than two steps away from a disaster. That was just how it worked.
“Mark...” Robbie began nervously and Mark could hear the doubt in his tone.
“Rob, you said it yourself, you don’t do that shit anymore...and without the drinking...without the drinking we were good,” he tried. Robbie smiled sadly.
“We were better than good Markie, we were fucking gorgeous. But the drink wasn’t our problem...it didn’t help but...but it was just part of a bigger problem, part of the running away, part of the trying not to accept life as it was...” Robbie didn’t even know what he was saying anymore. Anything to suppress his feelings, anything to make Mark walk away from him. Why couldn’t Mark see it was for his own good that he gave up on this? But Mark had always been determined. Give him one second, just take your eyes away a moment, and he will be trying turn things around, trying to make something out of nothing. That hadn’t changed. Robbie felt the pressure of Mark’s lips on his before he could make any attempt to push him away. And he was so swept up in the torrent of good memories the taste of those lips set free. Familiar and strange all at once. Other people had claimed Mark as theirs since they had last kissed like this, Robbie could tell that much. But none of them had managed to keep him, clearly, Robbie told himself. He knew he was talking himself into this and he knew he shouldn’t. Mark was leaning across the table even further now, his hands reaching up to cup Robbie’s face. Robbie felt those small, delicate fingers. And then he felt something else too; the cold dash of metal against his cheek. Someone had managed to keep him then. Robbie pulled back instantly, looking like he had just been burnt. Mark looked back at him in surprise. Robbie almost felt guilty when he saw the fear in Mark’s eyes. Mark knew what used to happen when Robbie looked like that. But no. Not now. He wasn’t like that when he was sober. Robbie frowned, rubbing his arm across his mouth, looking Mark up and down with fierce sadness.
“What’s wrong?” Mark asked him in a small voice as Robbie moved his hand up to his cheek. He could still feel the coolness where that metal had been.
“What the fuck was that Markie?” Robbie asked after a beat. Mark frowned.
“A kiss, Rob...” he stammered, confused and nervous. Robbie’s lips formed a straight line.
“Not that; the thing on your finger,” he said darkly. Mark froze, a look of alarm on his sweet, small face. A little of his hair fell in his eyes and he swallowed.
“Rob...” he began but Robbie stood up abruptly, wiping his mouth once more and turning his back to Mark. His breath was raspy and he closed his eyes in an attempt to clear his head.
“Get out Mark. Get the fuck out of here, out of London and out of my head,” he muttered sternly and Mark stood slowly, crossing the room and, after one last look back at Robbie, he let the door bang shut behind him.
***
Jason had not expected Emily Chappell’s wide, pale face to greet him when he pulled open the door and it took him a moment or two to process the information. It was strange but time had failed to dilute his memory of her tight grip on his arms and as he looked at her he could almost feel those bruises ache, though they were long healed. She looked no different to how she had looked that night; pale and fragile and lost. He couldn’t stop the queasy sensation in the pit of his stomach. It was a lot to be forced to remember so suddenly. The feel of her nails on his skin and the claustrophobic closeness of the two of them in that room. Jason tensed slightly as he saw her. It was an instinctive reaction and before Jason even realised his muscles had flinched, Howard was up and across the room, coming to stand behind him. Jason tightened his grip on the door and swallowed, grateful of Howard’s instant protection; his gentle hand pressing into the small of his back.
“Emily?” Howard asked slowly, breaking the uneasy silence that had settled between the three of them. It was a pointless question, all three of them knew who she was. But all three of them seemed a little astonished by her presence. Emily, who had been shifting nervously from foot to foot, pulled her coat around her a little tighter, shaking her head timidly and taking a step back.
“I should...I should go...I don’t know why I...” she stammered, turning to leave. Howard almost jumped when Jason took a step after her, unable to stop his heart’s violent jerk against his ribcage.
“Emily wait,” Jason said softly. Emily stopped instantly. Howard wasn’t sure if she did so because of the concern in Jason’s tone or because of her surprise at hearing him, of all people, asking her to stay. She glanced back at him, wide-eyed, glancing beyond him into the apartment and meeting Howard’s eyes before swallowing and looking down at her feet.
“I just...I didn’t really have any reason to be here...you don’t have to...look, I’ll go, I shouldn’t be round here anyway...” she tried to brush off their stares, moving to go once more. But Howard could see a growing firmness to his husband’s stance. And he recognised the way Jason tilted his head. There would be no getting away from Jason when he set his mind to you that way.
“Emily, there’s people looking for you,” Jason told her gently. Emily let out a small, sad laugh.
“God, why? What do they think I’m going to...oh...they think I’m going to...Jesus Em, how much more of a nut-job could you be? They think I’m going to come back for you, don’t they...you must’ve thought...” she trailed off, shaking her head and looking as though she was about to cry.
“We didn’t actually,” Howard put in softly.
“I think they’re more worried about what you might do to yourself than me,” Jason added, his voice extremely quiet. Emily couldn’t look at either of them, busying herself with trying not to cry.
“I should still go,” she told them, taking another small step back.
“Emily,” Jason pressed and Emily finally looked up to meet his eyes. When Jason took another slight step forwards Howard’s heart leapt again. But Emily seemed to freeze. It wasn’t his step towards her that had her looking at him in amazement, it was the hand he offered her. Howard noticed it too and he couldn’t help but smile slightly, though what exactly he was smiling about he couldn’t be sure. Perhaps it was pride that he was married to someone who was capable of that. Someone who, despite all the fear and the hurt and the stress associated with offering his hand to this woman, would hold out his hand to her again.
“Why should I be allowed to take your hand? How can you even trust me?” Emily murmured and Jason smiled slightly.
“I don’t know really, I just do,” he told her honestly. She shook her head.
“How can you be sure I won’t do it this time too? Go crazy on you?” she frowned, strands of blonde hair falling into her eyes. Jason’s eyes shone slightly.
“Coz this time I’ve got Howard standing behind me...thus making me pretty fucking invincible right now,” he smiled. Howard felt the pride come over him again and it was all he could do to stop himself puffing his chest out or draping his arm around Jason’s shoulders. Emily seemed to see that as she looked between the two of them and she almost broke a smile herself. She bit her lip and took a tentative step forwards. Gently, slowly, she placed her hand in his and they paused like that a moment. Howard supposed each was waiting for the other to break down.
“Do you want to come in?” Howard asked her and Emily nodded dumbly, letting Jason tug her in the right direction.
As Emily was ushered into their apartment, Jason turned to Howard, a crease in his brow.
“Love, she’s frozen...put some of that soup from the fridge in the microwave for her,” he said softly, directing Emily towards the sofa.
“Isn’t that...aiding and abetting or...something?” Howard frowned and Jason glanced up at him with a warm yet warning smile before settling himself and Emily on the sofa.
Even from the kitchen, Howard couldn’t fight his instinctively defensive stance. Seeing Jason sitting so close to Emily confused and frightened him in equal measure. It wasn’t something he had let him mind dwell on too long; the idea that in some weird, twisted way, she had had a life with Jason. There was something too close to a stamp of ownership there that made his jealous streak prickle. He kept his wary gaze trained on them. Jason hardly seemed aware of the way he curled himself up protectively, his arms wrapped tightly around his knees. But Howard noticed and it made him uneasy. Not that he could truly blame Emily for what had happened. His rational side reminded him that she was not the same person that had put him and Jason through all that hell, not really. And he couldn’t deny he felt a certain amount of sympathy for her – if he lost Jason the way she had lost her husband, he probably would have gone mad too. And, of course, he couldn’t let himself forget that Emily had put him and Jason back together twice.
After a minute passed Jason lifted his chin from his knees, his eyes thoughtful and distant.
“I never got to say thank you to you,” he said quietly. Howard looked up from what he was doing, looking over at Jason and Emily with interest. Emily herself took a moment to realise he was even talking to her and she blinked, looking across at Jason in surprise.
“Me? W..why in God’s name would you ever thank me?!” she laughed uneasily. Jason smiled slightly, his eyes suddenly sparkling in a way that calmed Howard’s nerves. Howard paused a moment, watching Jason silently, and Emily looked up, tentatively meeting Jason’s eyes, glancing between the two of them and then looking down once more.
“For the thing I’m always thankful for; still being with Howard,” Jason said softly. Howard smiled slightly, his and Jason’s eyes meeting above Emily’s bowed head.
“I didn’t exactly help with that,” Emily mumbled, studying her hands. Jason’s eyes finally left Howard’s as he rested his chin back on his knees and cast his gaze to Emily.
“You gave me back to him,” he reminded her gently.
“After I’d tried to make you mine,” she shot back quickly.
“But you still recognised I’m not anyone’s other than his,” Jason smiled. Howard looked up at that, a smile gracing his lips too. He supposed it was something he knew, something that went unsaid between them. Jason wouldn’t let anyone have control over him, control was quite a big thing to him, something he needed to feel he had. But he let Howard have charge of him entirely. And every now and again the importance of that fact would catch up with Howard and take him by surprise. Every time he would be just as proud as the last.
“I recognised it a bit late though,” Emily’s voice brought Howard’s attention back and he swallowed his smile, turning back to the task at hand and retrieving a bowl from the cupboard behind him.
“You remembered it when Howard didn’t though,” Jason challenged. Finally Emily looked up at him, studying his face for a moment or two before she spoke.
“You’re something else, you know that,” she murmured, her blue eyes still teary but her voice steadier now. Howard chuckled softly, coming over to join them, handing Emily her soup and sitting himself down on the arm of the sofa.
“So I keep telling him,” he said and Emily raised a small smile.
“Does he ever listen?” she asked, her tone tentatively teasing and Howard shook his head.
“Not to me he doesn’t,” he shrugged.
“Only to you, actually,” Jason said quietly, bringing Howard’s eyes to his. Emily looked down then, eyeing the soup with uncertainty.
“I can’t let you...” she began but Jason shook his head.
“I’m not having you pass out on me, just eat it,” he told her firmly and Emily nodded.
After they had let Emily sip a few spoonfuls of soup in peace, Howard took a breath and finally asked the question he’d been dying to ask since he’d seen her at their door.
“What on earth are you even doing here Emily?” he sighed. His voice was still gentle and, as nervous as Emily felt, she hardly flinched at the question.
“I didn’t come here right away you know...I tried to...I tried to go other places but...this building is still so safe to me. It’s the last place where my life was..where anything was...ok,” she replied in a whisper. Jason’s blue eyes were understanding but she still couldn’t look at him or Howard.
“Why to us?” Howard ventured and Emily laughed an empty sort of a laugh.
“I don’t know...I wish I could give you a great reason, a reason that could justify you being so kind to me but I...I just don’t know,” she sighed.
“You don’t have to justify it Emily,” Jason assured her and she looked up.
“Why are you so nice to me when all I did was...was scar you for life?” she asked, a confused smile gracing her delicate features.
“You didn’t Emily...well...one scar maybe but...” Jason frowned.
“What?” Emily breathed. Slowly Jason unfolded himself, taking one arm from around his knees and holding out his palm. Howard’s blue eyes fixed on Jason’s as he did so. It was true, the only visible sign left of what he and Jason had been through was that one tiny mark on Jason’s skin; the palest of white lines across his palm where Jason’s hand had been badly cut as Emily had pulled him through her door. Howard would often kiss that scar. He would take Jason’s hand in his and place a wordless kiss to his palm. It was his way of letting Jason know when he was worried or scared, his way of showing Jason he needed him. It was a silent understanding between them. Emily swallowed and looked away, shaking her head.
“I don’t know how you can let me in here,” she said.
“I’ve told you why,” Jason replied. Emily smiled slightly.
“How do you know I won’t go mad on you and hurt you again?” she demanded.
“He’s told you that too,” Howard smiled, pointing to himself. Jason rolled his eyes affectionately and Emily laughed softly, shaking her head yet again.
“You should both hate me,” she told them firmly.
“Well we don’t,” Jason sighed. For a moment the three of them fell silent. Then something occurred to Howard and he looked down at his hands, unsure if he ought to ask.
“Did it have to be Jay? Or would anyone have done?” he asked slowly. Emily glanced up at him.
“It’s only for you that is has to be Jay,” she admitted after a beat.
“Meaning you’re not back here coz of him then...which begs the question; why have you run away at all? I mean...if there’s nothing you’re chasing, no unfinished business or anything then...then why did you have to escape? And how did you even manage it?!” Howard pressed.
“Believe it or not I’m not the craziest person they deal with...it’s always easier for them to trust me after some of the people they’ve had in their care...you’d be surprised how easy it was really,” Emily smiled faintly.
“That still leaves the why,” Jason reminded her tentatively. It took Emily a long time to reply to that and Howard and Jason watched her in silence as she took a shaky breath.
“They wanted me to go to his grave...they wanted me to...they...” Emily whispered, a tear rolling down her cheek. Jason knew enough about psychology to guess their reasoning.
“Is it the last part of your treatment?” he asked her softly.
“Yes,” she nodded, sniffing and closing her eyes.
“They think you need to say goodbye before you can go back to normal life again,” he said.
“Normal life isn’t possible without him,” Emily muttered a little defensively. Jason pursed his lips, looking a little uncertainly at Emily before he spoke.
“Emily if...if anyone would have done when you came here that night, if all you really needed was to find a way of making life normal again...then maybe, in your own way, you were already trying to move on,” he suggested gently.
“No,” Emily said, but she didn’t look at him as she spoke. Instead she broke down into steady, silent tears.
For a few moments they let her cry, then Jason looked up at Howard.
“Howard, I think maybe you should phone Anna,” he said quietly and Howard tensed.
“Why? You don’t need counselling do you?!” he asked, unable to stop his concern for Jason from creeping into his voice. Jason smiled at him, hearing his fear and appreciating the love behind it.
“No, love. But Anna will know who to notify,” Jason replied, steady-voiced. Howard almost laughed at his own over-protectiveness, letting out a breath and pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Of course, I’ll go do that...will you be ok if I go in the other room?” he sighed.
“I think so,” Jason nodded and Howard stood up, walking across to Jason and placing a tender kiss to the top of his head before turning and leaving to get his phone.
***
Mark stepped cautiously in through the door, wincing to himself as though he suspected Gary to be about to raise his voice. Gary should raise his voice, Mark mused briefly. Maybe if he knew he would. But instead he just stood at the window, silently refusing to acknowledge Mark’s return. Mark took a deep breath, his hands moving to untie his scarf, his eyes fixed on the back of Gary’s head.
“Where the hell have you been Mark?! I was getting worried!” Gary muttered at last, still refusing to turn around. Mark looked at his hands, quickly forgetting the uncomfortable warmth of his scarf and instead squirming under the discomfort of knowing he couldn’t tell Gary where he had gone.
“Sorry Gary I...I just went for a walk...I needed to think about...things...” he stammered slowly. It wasn’t a lie. He had walked to the pub. And when he had arrived there he had thought very hard about all manner of things. Mostly Robbie, but what Gary didn’t know needn’t hurt him.
“Yeah...I’ve been thinking too...” Gary nodded, finally turning around. His voice was softer now and his eyes were so gentle when they met with Mark’s that, for a moment, Mark forgot Robbie altogether. Those eyes were the sort of blue that persistently gleamed, as if there were some hidden fire within him that could easily be overlooked as it was buried behind so many layers of quiet safety. Mark loved that.
“Thinking about what exactly?” Mark asked him half-heartedly, still too lost in his own head to really know what he was saying. Gary bit his lip and moved away from the window, sitting himself down on the bed and rubbing his hand across his forehead.
“About all the times I have faced this exact same choice and...and not chosen the way I’m choosing now,” he sighed. Mark frowned, coming to sit next to him and placing a soft hand on his arm.
“What do you mean?” he asked and Gary looked up at him with a sad smile.
“I mean...I’ve been here before. The choice between what I’ve always wanted and what I discovered by accident...” he began.
“You’re having second thoughts about today?!” Mark interrupted, eyes wide. Gary nodded and looked away.
“When Jay said he wasn’t sure it would be good for me in the long run...I didn’t want to pay any attention to him but...but in the twenty odd years I’ve known him I’ve learnt that it’s usually a good idea to pay attention to him. And this morning I...I let myself really think about it. And I think he might be right,” he explained quietly to the skirting. Mark pursed his lips and squeezed Gary’s arm gently. Gary still didn’t look back at him.
“Why?” Mark pressed after a moment.
“Because...well, think about it Mark...you couldn’t even speak to me about...about Robbie. You didn’t think that the two of us were strong enough for that pressure and you felt you couldn’t talk to me...if you can’t even talk to me about that now, what makes us think we could cope with all the pressure that trying to make it in this industry would add?! And without Jason and Howard to share the strain?! It’s...it’s not good for us Markie. And I’ve realised, for the thousandth time in my life, that ‘us’ is more important to me than making it,” Gary told him softly, slowly bringing his eyes up to meet Mark’s. His expression was so plaintive and so loving. Mark rested his head on Gary’s shoulder.
“Won’t you go mad without it though? It’s been your dream forever...” he whispered. Gary swallowed and closed his eyes a moment.
“I could look into songwriting...my music would be recognised that way...and there’s less pressure behind the scenes. And Jay and Howard will still take pub gigs...they’re both born show offs, that hasn’t changed no matter how much more in love with each other they’ve fallen,” he chuckled slightly and Mark smiled too. Silence fell on them and Mark thought over what Gary had said. Robbie had said get out of London. Maybe he should. Get out of it all, get as far away as possible. Not just because Robbie had told him to, but because there was so much less temptation when his other life was so far away.
“So...are you going to call Jonathan, or should I?” he breathed out at last and Gary laughed softly.
“For leavening without telling me where you were going? That pleasure can be all yours,” he replied.
***
Howard came into their bedroom quietly, pausing in the doorway to watch his husband. The apartment was finally returned to him and Jason, all disruption dealt with. But Howard couldn’t help but feel that, whilst the disruption had gone, its effect on Jason was still very much present. Jason seemed to sense Howard’s arrival and he turned, ever-so-slightly, towards the door, though he didn’t look over at Howard. He looked so strangely fragile. Howard may have a constant urge to protect Jason, but Jason was far from breakable. And yet, in that moment, framed by the grey light that streamed in through the bedroom windows, he did look very broken. Lost, somehow. He was, of course, so unnervingly thin and still and, with his arms wrapped around himself, he looked for all the world like he was about to collapse.
Moving round the bed, Howard came up behind him, tentatively brushing a finger along his neck, looking out of the window over his shoulder.
“Finally cleared ‘em all out. Anna took the most persuading,” he murmured. Jason smiled slightly.
“Let me guess...she wants me to call her?” he sighed and Howard nodded, placing a quiet kiss to the point on Jason’s neck that his fingertips had just left. Jason leant into him slightly.
“I told her you wouldn’t,” Howard said, leaning his forehead against Jason’s hair. He closed his eyes a moment, his fingers resting lightly on the other side of Jason’s neck, just touching his ear. Jason allowed his touch to linger there before turning his head slightly and looking up into Howard’s eyes.
“Thank you,” Jason said softly, holding Howard’s gaze. They both knew that thanks went a great deal further than the events of that one day, but neither one of them needed it to be said.
“Jay,” Howard whispered, gently, firmly. His eyes were bright as they studied Jason’s face.
“It’s fine, Howard. I’m fine,” Jason tried to sound convincing, but even his best acting wouldn’t have fooled Howard, that he knew. Because Howard understood him in ways Jason wasn’t even sure he understood himself. Howard cupped Jason’s face in his hands.
“Jay; it’s me you’re talking to,” he pressed, looking into Jason’s eyes, his thumbs now brushing Jason’s temples. Jason could feel the ridges of his fingerprints and somewhere in his head he recognised their lines and he allowed himself to be lost to them, a single tear tracing a path across his cheek. Jason closed his eyes and Howard watched him for a moment before pressing a silent kiss to the tear. Its salt stung his lips a little but he didn’t care. Jason opened his eyes and looked at Howard a while before finally letting more tears follow. Howard wrapped his arms gently around Jason’s thin frame, stroking his hair and sitting down on the bed. Jason didn’t shake with sobs or break down in hysteria. He just cried quietly into Howard’s shoulder.
After a little while, Howard pulled back and looked down into Jason’s face.
“Do you even know what you’re crying for?” he asked him tentatively, brushing the back of his hand along Jason’s damp cheek.
“Not really,” Jason admitted and Howard smiled sympathetically, pressing a brief kiss to his temple and bringing a faint smile to Jason’s lips.
“You want to know something I never told you before?” Howard asked him quietly.
“Ok,” Jason sniffed. Howard glanced down at his hands then looked back into Jason’s eyes, one hand resting gently on Jason’s neck.
“You remember when you gave your family that bollocking for how they treated me?” he said. Jason laughed softly, nodding.
“They needed it,” he pointed out and Howard grinned.
“They had their reasons,” he countered.
“They still needed it,” Jason assured him with another sniff.
“Thank you,” Howard smiled quietly.
“Go on,” Jason prompted him.
“Your dad hunted me down that day,” Howard continued, his thumbprints scratching gently along Jason’s skin once more. Jason’s blue eyes shone slightly beyond the tears.
“My dad never hunts anyone down normally,” he remarked and Howard smiled.
“No...but he found me that day. And do you know what he told me? Well, after he said I’d been right and you were right, he said...he said ‘My son doesn’t always know why something isn’t right. He just knows that something isn’t right. But I think you might just be the first person to come along who can tell him the whys and workings of the thing’ –and he said he’d trust me from then on, as long as I promised that was true,” he explained, taking Jason’s face in his hands once more, his thumbs now moving to the corners of Jason’s eyes, pressing them lightly to stem the flow of tears. Jason looked back at him for a drawn out moment, a smile lingering somewhere in their blue.
“ So; why is it not right?” he let out at last. Howard leant their foreheads together.
“Because you need to know where the escape routes are. And to be able to say ‘Done’ when you feel something’s over. And Emily Chappell is one of the few people in this world who has put you in a place where that’s not possible and you will never be comfortable with that, it’s just not who you are,” he said slowly. Jason smiled slightly.
“What about you though?” he pointed out and Howard smiled back at him. He leant back a little, taking Jason’s hand in his own and, without breaking their shared gaze, he gently pulled the wedding ring from Jason’s finger. The only band of ownership Jason allowed. It slid reluctantly from his finger and Howard placed it in the palm of his hand.
“There’s your escape route,” he whispered.
“Give that back, I don’t need to escape you,” Jason frowned, taking the ring from Howard’s palm and returning it to his finger. Howard smiled at him.
“Well in that case; you just answered your own question,” he pointed out and Jason paused, looking up at him with a mildly incredulous smile. It was his turn to brush the lines of his fingerprints across Howard’s skin.
“I love you,” he sighed, as tired of Howard winning arguments as he was impressed by the sentiment. Howard grinned back at him, pressing a brief kiss to his lips.
“Good,” he chuckled and Jason rolled his eyes.
“So fucking full of yourself,” he murmured, his eyes glinting, eyelashes damp but tears gone.
“Do you or do you not feel better though?!” Howard shrugged and Jason simply narrowed his eyes before pulling Howard’s lips down against his own.
“Say you love me too,” he mumbled into the kiss.
“You love me too,” Howard repeated and Jason groaned slightly.
“Close enough,” he sighed, giving up and letting Howard pull him deeper into the kiss.
***
It was the Britannia Stadium, glowing a triumphant red and white into the cold night air, that first made Mark realise where they were. As the train sped past it, Mark just had time to make out the bundled-up fans trekking up the hill towards it before it blurred out of sight once more. But Mark’s thoughts had already been turned back to Stoke-On-Trent, and he sat up a little in his seat as the train pulled into Stoke Station. He studied the faces on the platform, his eyes scanning across the ‘Stoke-On-Trent’ signs as if he hoped to find some trace of Robbie written into them. He would have given up if some locals hadn’t appeared in their carriage – red-cheeked and jovial and speaking in that all-too-familiar accent. Robbie had never really lost his accent. He’d picked up a Mancunian edge to it, perhaps, but it was still uniquely Stokie. Mark suddenly realised how much he had missed hearing it. The men tumbled into the seats behind him, swearing at each other amicably and calling each other ‘Duck’. Mark smiled because he remembered Robbie calling him ‘Duck’ once. When they first met. They’d only got talking because Mark had picked him up on it. It’s a local trait where I’m from, Robbie had told him. When Mark had asked where exactly that was Robbie had grimaced. Stoke, as he had introduced it, was a bit rubbish around the edges; hated and berated and looked down upon. But, and this was the line that had secured Mark’s interest, ultimately it was as warm a place as you would ever find, warmer than any other city for sure. Mark had taken that comment to heart. Mark had never been to Stoke, except in a passing train, but he took Robbie as an emblem of it. He was a bit rough around the edges, a bit wrong, a bit barbed. But had he ever met anyone as warm as him? He wasn’t so sure. He looked guiltily across at Gary, whose head was still buried in his newspaper. Maybe Gary was. Maybe Gary was warmer, he was certainly more obviously warm. But maybe, Mark sighed, that was exactly the problem. Did a part of him love Robbie because it was so hard for anyone else to love him?
Chapter Nine
Howard groaned slightly, turning over in the bed and squinting against the early-morning light. As his eyes adjusted he glanced over to the other side of the bed where Jason lay sleeping. It wasn’t often that Howard woke before his husband and he took a moment to watch his chest rising and falling steadily, his head tipped ever-so-slightly towards Howard. The bedding had been discarded at some point in the night and the duvet and sheets were tangled just below Jason’s waist revealing his narrow hips and flat stomach. Howard’s eyes glimmered and he pushed himself up from his own pillow, edging over to Jason’s side of the bed. He placed his hands either side of Jason’s slim form, a mischievous look darting across his features as he bent to press a kiss to the flash of hip-bone left exposed by Jason’s pyjama bottoms.
“Howard, we have to open the shop today,” Jason reminded him without opening his eyes and Howard couldn’t help but chuckle. Of course he wasn’t the first awake.
“Calm down, it was just a kiss,” he teased, pressing another kiss to Jason’s stomach. Jason let out a small whimper, but he still didn’t open his eyes and Howard grinned, bending once more to press a kiss to the slight concave of Jason’s chest, then another to his shoulder, his jaw and finally his lips. As Howard pulled back Jason finally opened his eyes, which shone brightly through the haze of sleep.
“I mean it, we have to open up,” he smirked and Howard pouted back at him.
“Why do we have to? I thought Gaz and Mark had had an epiphany?!” he sighed, propping himself up on his elbow, his other arm snaking slowly around Jason’s middle.
“Howard,” Jason groaned warningly as Howard gave his temple a kiss.
“What?!” Howard tried to sound innocent but Jason shot him a bright blue look.
“You know what,” he smiled.
“You’re the one who jumped to conclusions,” Howard shot back, studying Jason’s face intently.
“Oh, so you always say ‘Good Morning’ to people that way do you?” Jason questioned him and Howard laughed, kissing Jason’s forehead for good measure as Jason closed his eyes.
After lying in silence a moment Howard brushed his fingers lightly down Jason’s cheek and sighed.
“Are you ok?” he asked quietly, seriously. Jason’s eyes opened immediately, meeting his gaze.
“You know I am,” Jason replied softly after a beat. Howard smiled slightly because it was true. He could see it in Jason’s eyes. Yesterday was over now.
“Just checking,” he shrugged, his fingers brushing gently at the strands of hair on Jason’s forehead.
“Yesterday was...a wobble,” Jason admitted slowly and Howard gave him a lopsided smile.
“A wobble?” he repeated, raising an eyebrow.
“Yes. And it’s over,” Jason told him. Howard nodded thoughtfully, rubbing his thumb absently across Jason’s stomach, looking down a moment before meeting Jason’s eyes again.
“Ok, love. I believe you. Just promise me you know I’m here, when you need me to be,” he pressed. Jason pushed himself up slightly, cupping Howard’s cheek in his hand and giving him a brief kiss.
“Howard, open your eyes; of course I know,” he said gently and Howard smiled back.
“Just...” he began and Jason rolled his eyes, finishing his sentence for him.
“Checking? I know, you’re always checking up on me Howard Donald. It would be annoying...if I didn’t love you. But right now? You really have to put me down love coz I’m going for my shower,” he smirked, his eyes flashing up to meet Howard’s. Howard’s grin simply broadened.
“You know it would save time if...” Howard was cut off mid-sentence once more.
“Howard,” Jason warned him, eyes narrowed.
“What?! You don’t know what I was going to say yet!” Howard protested with a smirk.
“Oh I know. And no, having our showers at the same time would not save time Howard – in my experience it usually makes us even later,” Jason reminded him, eyes dancing.
“You say that, but I seem to remember not caring that much...and I don’t just mean me,” he pointed out, making Jason shake his head despairingly.
“What’s gotten into you this morning?!” he demanded and Howard shrugged.
“You look fucking gorgeous this morning,” he said simply.
“You should put that to music, it’s beautiful,” Jason deadpanned teasingly, trying to ease himself free of Howard’s grip.
“See, I know you love it when I get all poetic on you,” Howard shot back lightly and Jason laughed.
“I’m getting up now,” he replied determinedly.
“Oh please Jay, stay in bed with me just a little bit longer. I’ll keep my hands by my sides,” Howard pouted as Jason pushed himself up.
“It’s your lips I’m more worried about,” Jason laughed, moving around the room to get his clothes for the day. Howard watched him from the bed, eyes still glinting.
“Will you come back to bed if I tell you you’re fucking gorgeous again?” he asked hopefully. Jason paused in the doorway, turning slowly and looking his husband in the eye.
“Why would I do that exactly?” he asked. For a moment Howard saw something in his eyes and he wondered what his husband was up to.
“Coz I’m in here...and I think you’re fucking gorgeous,” Howard tried slowly. Jason suppressed a smile and folded his eyes, fixing his piercing eyes slowly onto Howard’s.
“Howard, love, listen to me very carefully. Since you seem so keen on the idea, you can stay in bed all day if you want to. Or you can get up and start your day and come to the shop with me. The choice is yours. But I am going for my shower right now regardless, ok?” he said levelly before turning and heading towards the bathroom. Howard paused a moment frowning, trying to find any hint he could pounce on. And then a thought occurred to him.
“What happens if you forget to lock the door?” Howard called after Jason.
“Then you would win,” Jason called back casually and Howard grinned.
“I always win,” he murmured to himself, springing from the bed and hurrying after his husband.
***
Jason laughed softly as Howard bounded around the car, coming up behind him and taking his hand into his own. He glanced up at Howard’s grinning face and shook his head.
“What is with you today?” he asked with an affectionate smile. Howard could only grin wider.
“I’m just...happy,” he shrugged, bringing Jason’s hand up to his lips and pressing a kiss to the back of it, drawing Jason’s eyes to his immediately.
“I’d noticed,” he smiled.
“Well that just makes me even happier,” Howard replied, pressing a quick kiss to Jason’s cheek.
“Why’s that then?” Jason asked him, head to one side. Without slowing their pace Howard leant into Jason slightly, holding his hand a little tighter.
“Coz it means I’m doing something right,” he winked playfully, just as they arrived at the door to the shop. Jason’s eyes gleamed but he didn’t reply, instead shooting Howard a sidelong glance before pushing open the shop door.
“What time do you call this?!” Gary demanded as Jason and Howard came into the shop, though he said the words through a jovial smile.
“Sorry...problems with...um...shower,” Jason muttered, suppressing a smile and looking at the floor. Howard grinned unashamedly.
“Only problem is it’s too fucking small,” he whispered and Jason sucked in a sharp breath, elbowing Howard in the stomach whilst smiling sweetly at an unaware Gary.
“Where’s Mark this morning?” he asked, glancing back to make sure Howard wasn’t too winded.
“In the back getting me a brew – consoling me as best he can,” Gary sighed.
“Ah, you talking about last night’s result I take it?” Jason chuckled and Howard, still rubbing slightly at his stomach, laughed and crossed the floor to join them.
“It’s one thing to lose, Gaz mate, but your lads were flattened,” he added. Gary winced.
“Alright, alright; remind me why I came back to this hideous existence with you pair?!” he sighed dramatically. Howard wrapped an arm around Jason’s middle and rested his chin on his shoulder, kissing his neck.
“Coz we’re irresistible,” he suggested and Gary wrinkled his nose.
“I have a horrible feeling that, somehow, just then, I got caught in the middle of you drooling over your husband...” he groaned and Jason laughed, his head tipping back briefly against Howard, making Howard’s eyes flare an even brighter blue.
“Ignore him; he might be nice to look at but there’s nothing going on upstairs,” he assured Gary. Howard simply raised his eyebrows, nudging his nose against Jason’s cheek and giving him another quick kiss.
“You weren’t complaining this mo...” Howard began but Jason swiftly elbowed him in the stomach once more.
“You’re right though, it’s not just the losing that bothers me. It’s not even the losing to Stoke...” Gary said, determinedly changing the subject as he looked absently into middle distance.
“They get bad press but they’re a strangely likeable lot,” Jason mused.
“You weren’t saying that when your lads couldn’t beat ‘em,” Howard smirked, his arm winding tighter around Jason’s middle to prevent him from elbowing him a third time.
“My husband is using his best smug face right now because he knows that, of the three of us, he is the only one whose team haven’t conceded a single point to them,” Jason sighed and Gary looked up at them both with a slight chuckle.
“Lucky for some,” he smiled.
At that moment Mark returned with two mugs of tea in his hands.
“Mornin’ Jay, Howard – he still grumbling about the match?” he asked, handing one of the mugs to Gary then sitting himself down on the steps at Gary’s feet.
“When Stoke walks all over Liverpool, it walks all over Gary too,” Jason mused jokily. Gary chuckled but Mark froze. His mug hovered halfway to his lips and his brow creased.
“Stoke didn’t...I mean...it was...Stoke aren’t...” he stammered. Jason frowned.
“You ok Markie?” he asked gently and Mark blinked, looking up at him with wide eyes.
“Fine...fine...I just...well, it’s nothing. Anyway, it’s all just a game, right?” he mumbled, taking a gulp of his tea and avoiding Jason’s eyes, which were now narrowed at him in scrutiny.
“It’s alright Markie, Stoke haven’t ground us down too much. Flattened us, yes. Ground us down...well, it’s a long season,” Gary told him and Mark closed his eyes.
“No. Stoke haven’t ground us down,” he repeated softly. Only Jason thought to make the connection. Mark could tell he’d worked it out. The significance of it all in Mark’s head. But he didn’t say anything and for that Mark was grateful, even if he was still subjected to Jason’s beady blue stare.
***
He stepped down onto the platform and he stopped dead. Several commuters clattered into him, eyeing him darkly out of the corner of their eyes before moving on. He didn’t notice. He was too busy taking in the air. He remembered it. The feel of Manchester. It had become little more than a faded old photograph at the back of his mind but, at the sound of his shoes scraping slightly against the platform, the colour began to seep back in. Places, plenty of places. Streets, bars, mates’ flats he’d crashed in. This was the city he’d done more growing up in than his own hometown. Although he had been too young to be trying to grow up. And, looking at it now, he couldn’t help but feel maybe he hadn’t really grown up at all. He’d just learnt a lot of things that a kid shouldn’t.
He fished a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket and tried to decipher the writing. He knew the street, it was only a fifteen minute walk away. Funny the detail with which he could recall it all. But, then again, he supposed it wasn’t half as long ago as it felt. He could come up with all sorts of clichés. About how it felt like a different lifetime, a different person, a different world. But, as long ago as it all seemed to have been, it still somehow felt very close to home, very close to him and to his heart. He was breathing the same air now as he had done then. And he was so close to changing the purpose of his coming here, to making it his movie scene. You know, the bit where the hero comes in with his dramatic declarations, sweeping his love up into his arms. But who would that be fair on exactly? No one. Not even himself, in the long run. Because he was all too aware of his weaknesses now. That self-knowledge he had now that he hadn’t had last time he was here stopped any sweeping gestures spilling out of his head and into the real world. This was life. He knew that now.
***
The place had a warmth about it that Robbie wished he could take for his own. He couldn’t say for sure what it was that made it that way. There were mug-rings on the uneven wood of the stairs. An impressive-looking drum kit bore a post-it stating ‘Reserved for Donovan. Hands OFF Howard!!!’ whilst a guitar bore, what Robbie presumed to be, the retort of ‘Clean me please Jason!!!’. There were even handwritten signs stuck up on one wall offering lessons in piano, guitar and drums. Robbie recognised Mark’s handwriting on the piano sign; ‘Gary is very good!’ followed by a slightly wonky heart. At first Robbie thought the place was empty, but then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw someone in the side room.
He took a deep breath as he moved across floorboards, which were complaining loudly under his weight. If he was honest he had to admit that he was petrified of doing this. Scared of saying it. Scared that when he saw Mark he wouldn’t say it. He shifted awkwardly from foot to foot as the man in front of him leant slightly on the counter, turning a page of his magazine before slowly looking up at him. Robbie was ready to run the moment he recognised that face.
“I was...I just...you know what, I shouldn’t be here, I should go, I should...” he stammered. Jason quirked his lips slightly in an expression Robbie couldn’t read.
“It’s fine, seriously,” he shrugged and Robbie frowned.
“But I...but you...I...I should go...” he seemed to have lost the ability to form full sentences but Jason’s blue eyes scanned him up and down and he couldn’t help but relax slightly. He could have sworn there was sympathy there.
“Look, as long as you keep the bookcases from landing on me and stay out of sight of my husband, it’s fine,” Jason told him with a kind smile. Robbie raised an eyebrow.
“Husband? So er...you married the guy who nearly punched my lights out then?” he asked nervously, wringing his hands and still shifting back and forth on his feet. Jason’s smile broadened.
“Mm, that sounds like Howard. I take it he made quite the impression on you,” he chuckled.
“I don’t blame him,” Robbie quickly assured the grinning Jason.
“Howard is my personal bodyguard – I get a paper cut, he tears up that piece of paper and throws it, at speed, into the nearest bin,” Jason explained and Robbie laughed softly.
“Sounds nice,” he sighed thoughtfully.
“It’s why he’s now my husband and not still just some guy who nearly punched you in the face once,” Jason nodded and Robbie looked up at him slowly.
“Sounds like you made a good choice,” he murmured. Jason watched him a moment and Robbie hoped he didn’t imagine the note of kindness he detected in that look.
“Mark went down the caff with Gaz about ten minutes ago...I’ve got to hold the fort here but...Howard could take you there, if you want,” Jason said at last.
“Howard? Howard your husband Howard?!” Robbie asked uncertainly, making Jason laugh.
“Relax, he’s protective not insane...Howard! Could you come here a sec?” he called. Robbie bit his lip. He’d been punched by enough people in his life to know it hurt and, with his head already spinning, he wasn’t sure he was quite up for that amount of pain. He was vaguely aware of Jason’s amused smile as he winced, he was more aware of the approaching footsteps.
Howard spotted Robbie instantly and his whole body tensed. He looked between Robbie and Jason with his eyes narrowed but Jason was quick to shoot him a beseeching look.
“Play nice love,” he said gently and Robbie noticed the way Howard instantly relaxed – albeit not completely. He risked a glance in Howard’s direction and nodded an awkward hello.
“What’s he doing here?” Howard asked Jason, pointedly ignoring Robbie. His voice was worryingly stern and Robbie winced yet again. Jason rolled his eyes and turned to Robbie
“I promise you, when I say ‘play nice’ to my siblings they still take me seriously enough to listen. Evidently my husband is less well trained,” he sighed overdramatically. Robbie couldn’t avoid smiling. And, to Robbie’s relief, Howard couldn’t either.
“Seriously love,” Howard grumbled, still reluctant to acknowledge Robbie’s presence but visibly softening at his husband’s coaxing.
“Seriously? I didn’t actually ask him. But from the look on his face I think he might finally be about to tell Mark that their relationship’s over,” Jason replied quietly and Robbie looked up at him in surprise. Howard caught Robbie’s expression and smiled slightly.
“My husband can play guitar, break dance, make all-curing herbal teas and soups and, as a side-project, he reads minds,” he explained, raising a laugh from Robbie. Jason pursed his lips.
“Can I trust you to take him to the caff without killing him?” he asked and Howard shrugged.
“As long as he can be trusted not to kill you with furniture,” he nodded.
“Good, that’s settled then. And love? Go easy on him. It’s not nice ending a relationship,” Jason instructed him softly.
“They were over years ago,” Howard protested.
“I wish it was that simple,” Robbie whispered, hardly realising he’d spoken until he saw Jason and Howard looking at him with matching blue gazes.
“Go on, quick, before Mark’s shift starts,” Jason chivvied Howard gently and Robbie smiled at him gratefully before following Howard out of the shop door.
Chapter Ten
Robbie shoved his hands into his pockets, unsure of how to act around Howard. The man seemed to be, quite rightly, defensive of Jason. But he also seemed to be more than a little bit under Jason’s spell and, for reasons Robbie couldn’t fathom, Jason was on his side. Robbie took a deep breath and ventured conversation.
“I love your husband you know,” he tried quietly. Howard arched an eyebrow at him, though, to Robbie’s amusement, he looked like he was used to people saying it.
“Yeah? I might just have to go back on my promise about not killing you then,” he countered.
“You wouldn’t do that though,” Robbie smiled.
“Why?” Howard frowned.
“You would never break a promise to him,” Robbie replied and Howard smiled shyly, looking away.
“That obvious huh?” he chuckled and Robbie quirked his lips slightly.
“It’s probably visible from space,” he said, instinctively cheeky even in the most awkward of situations. Howard laughed and glanced over at him, pausing a moment before replying.
“If anyone ever broke a promise to him I would probably give ‘em a right earful, it’d be daft if I didn’t play by my own rules,” he sighed. Robbie nodded thoughtfully.
“That’s nice. I want that,” he admitted quietly.
“What?” Howard frowned and Robbie shrugged.
“Someone who’ll fight for me...coz fuck knows I’ve tried fighting for myself and I always screw it up...I usually hurt a few people in the process too,” he answered after a beat.
“Like Mark you mean?” Howard said softly.
“What is it with you and your husband and the psychic powers?!” Robbie joked tensely and Howard smirked.
“Well I tend to blame his bad influence. Don’t know what his excuse is though,” he replied. Robbie suddenly felt overwhelmingly grateful towards Jason and Howard. Both of them had more than enough of an excuse to hate him, punch him, send him packing. And yet, instead, they offered him sympathy, attempted to understand his problems and, most amazingly of all, they played along with his cheekiness. Banter – he suspected they enjoyed the banter.
“I’m such a coward you know...I can’t keep anyone safe coz I’m barely together enough to keep myself safe. I used to hide it. I hid it with bravado and alcohol. But I ended up annoying everyone until the only person left was Mark. Loving him was the only good thing about my life...but I knew loving me was destroying him,” Robbie confessed as Howard began to slow their pace.
“Sneaking out of someone’s life without telling them doesn’t make them stop loving you. It pisses ‘em off but...” Howard trailed off as if he was recalling something. Robbie simply nodded.
“I know. It was selfish. And it was stupid of me to tell him to get out of London before I explained to him why he ought to go...but that’s why I’m here. I want to fix it. I want to try and be a grown-up. When you’re not a millionaire you can’t afford to hide from the real world, you’re forced to live in it...and the fact of reality is; me and Mark destroy each other in our own ways...but realising that and telling him that are two very different things,” he said, swallowing as Howard came to a stop.
“They’re both tough things to do. You got through one, you can get through the other,” Howard pointed out.
“How would you know? You’re a fighter, you cope with the world. I just fall apart,” Robbie muttered, forgetting, for a moment, to smooth his rough edges. Howard let it slip.
“I think you’re probably a decent bloke you know...you’re a bit fucked up but...at least you admit it. Admitting it at least means you’re already doing a million times better than you did in the past. I think Mark probably needs to hear a few home truths himself,” he assured Robbie gently. Robbie looked up him, his blue eyes threatening to cry, though he couldn’t decide if the tears came from fear or gratitude.
“A chance to try and fix what I broke?” he sniffed, blinking furiously.
“A chance to let him know he didn’t lose you, life just...got the better of you both. The relationship you want is the one that withstands life...that’s what I think anyway. Fighter or not,” Howard replied. Robbie nodded silently then glanced up at the building in front of them.
“This the place he works then?” he asked and Howard nodded.
“Yeah, him and Gaz will be in the back at a guess...just ask for Mark at the counter, they’ll show you,” he said. Robbie swallowed again and took a deep breath.
“Thank you...for...well, for not killing me,” he smiled and Howard smiled back quietly.
“Hey, don’t thank me; you know that was all down to Jay,” he winked, taking a step back and beginning to walk away, leaving Robbie on the pavement to gather his courage.
***
“Markie – visitor,” Laura smiled sweetly as she poked her head around the back room door, causing Mark and Gary to look up. She pushed the door open a little further revealing Robbie Williams to be stood behind her, looking more than a little uncomfortable.
“Rob,” Mark breathed, his eyes widening. Laura glanced between the two of them.
“No need to worry about your shift Mark, I’ll cover for you ‘til you’re done,” she beamed, not noticing Gary’s stony expression or Robbie’s nervous wince as she turned on her heel, closing the door carefully behind her.
The silence was painful. It roared against Robbie’s eardrums but he didn’t know what to say to make it stop. Gary’s jaw was pointedly locked, his blue eyes defensive and quiet. Mark simply stared at Robbie, his eyes glittering with a dangerous sort of intrigue that Robbie feared he recognised all too well. He would have given anything for Mark to stop looking at him that way. He would have given even more for Mark to carry on and for it all to be ok, for it to be fine for him to give that same look back, for the world to just let him have exactly what he wanted, just for a change. But he knew he wasn’t built the right way for that.
“Rob...what are you doing here?” Mark asked at last, breaking the silence but doing nothing for the tension that had settled upon the three of them.
“I had to...I had to do it properly, I had to actually talk to you, not shout you down like I did in London, not shut you out like I did in the past...” Robbie began quietly. Mark frowned.
“You told me to go...I kissed you and you told me to go,” he reminded Robbie with a wounded look. Gary looked up sharply then, looking at Mark with fierce blue eyes.
“What? When? When did you kiss him?” he demanded. Robbie groaned inwardly. Of course Gary had every right to know but Robbie just didn’t have the time to deal with him now. Or the strength.
“I can’t keep on fucking up your life for the sake of sparing my own fears, for the sake of sparing my own feelings – I’m facing up to it Markie, I’m ending whatever we are or were or...” Robbie stopped, shaking his head and looking away. He didn’t know what to say. He’d known it was going to be difficult but he couldn’t have predicted how dry his mouth would feel when Mark looked at him like that.
Mark stood, taking a step towards Robbie then changing his mind and standing still.
“I don’t understand Rob, I don’t get it...I know this isn’t what you want, not really. And we used to be so good when you were ok...when you weren’t...in one of your moods. You just got depressed sometimes and one of those times you went away but...but it shouldn’t really have ended. You still love me, I can tell coz you won’t look at me,” Mark murmured. Gary’s fists were balled up and his eyes closed and Robbie wished he’d just up and storm out. But Gary was too stubborn for that.
“I get that Mark, I do, but...but we were over, we were and we still are. Just because...because it’s who we are. It’s who I am...” Robbie tired.
“But Rob...” Mark began. Robbie just shook his head resolutely.
“I am a product of my city Markie. Slap a sign on my arse and call me Stoke-on-fucking-Trent coz that is who I am. I come from a city the whole country hates. I come from the corner of that city that even the rest of Stoke can’t fucking stand. I know it’s not all bad. It’s a warm place and...and I’d like to think I’m a warm person. I’d like to think there are good bits, even Tunstall’s got good bits. But the thing is...I’ve got to deal with some rubbish fucking scenery too; Stoke’s got the incinerator, I’ve got my depression...I’m a product of my city and I need to come to terms with that. I need to find someone who can cope with that,” he explained. Mark’s eyes looked as if they were threatening tears and Robbie had to look away.
“I don’t...” Mark tried to speak but again Robbie ploughed on.
“Do you know who else came from Stoke? Captain of the Titanic. Sums it up. Sums it up perfectly, you know? Coz I used to think that was what you did if you came from Stoke. That’s why I ran away from ending you and me I think. I used to think that people from Stoke are just doomed. You know; you can achieve something, you can captain one of the most impressive fucking ships ever, but you’re still gonna fail eventually. Stoke’s going to catch up with you. I thought that was what I was running from; the failure. You were an achievement to me, in a way. And I thought that...that if I left that night then I might not plough you into a big fucking iceberg. I thought there was a chance I could avoid decimating you that way. The thing I didn’t work out was that I wasn’t running from failure, I was just using Stoke as an excuse. I was running from the real world; you know, the real world where you have to work for the good stuff, you have to be responsible enough to cope to ever really be able to be happy,” Robbie was talking quickly now, more forcefully. He needed to get out. This room was too small and Gary kept watching him.
“What are you saying Rob?” Mark demanded and Robbie looked up suddenly, finally meeting Mark’s eyes properly. He swallowed nervously but managed to hold Mark’s stare.
“I’m saying you need to close the book now Markie. This is the ending. I’m sorry I didn’t man up and say it back then but...but you have to believe me when I tell you it is just as hard to say this now as it would have been then,” he told Mark slowly.
“Why?” Mark asked. Robbie let out a long sigh.
“Because of the people we are Markie. You’re not fucking mental like me but...but you’re just as scared of the real world, just as scared of being responsible. We destroyed each other Markie, because both of us were running away from growing up and neither one of us was strong enough to look after the other. We’re broken, in our own ways. You’re frightened of ever losing anything in case you find out it’s your fault you lost it...and...and I’m frightened of ever having anything in case I start having to be responsible for it. Broken people need to fix themselves before they start thinking about bringing anyone else into their disaster zone. And even then they need to find someone with the sort of mind that can cope on their behalf. You’ve found someone who does that for you, Markie. If you stopped looking at me right now you’d see him,” he said softly and Mark stared at him, not willing to admit to the truth behind the words.
“So...so what now?” he whispered. Robbie took a step forward, closing the gap between them. Silently he cupped Mark’s face in his hands and pressed a single kiss to his forehead.
“Now? Now I go and try to find a Titanic to captain,” he sighed. Mark felt a tear rolling down his cheek but he didn’t bother to try and brush it away. Instead he sniffed and smiled a watery smile.
“Don’t crash it into any icebergs,” he murmured and Robbie smiled a sad sort of smile.
“I’ll try not to. Stoke-on-Trent...yeah, it’s a little bit crap and yeah it’s a little bit hated...but is it doing ok? Well, it’s trying,” he stated in a whisper before turning sharply and leaving without another word.
***
Jason wound his arms around Howard’s middle, kissing the crook of his neck and closing his eyes. His chin rested on Howard’s shoulder and his breath touched lightly against the hairs on Howard’s neck, making them stand on end. Howard smiled, setting down his mug and putting an arm around his husband, pressing a kiss to the top of his head before resting his own head against it.
“Tired love?” he asked softly and Jason let out a small whimper.
“These past few days have been mad, haven’t they?” he groaned and Howard laughed.
“I’d say that was an understatement,” he smiled, his fingers creeping slowly underneath the hem of Jason’s shirt and skimming across his warm skin.
“Doesn’t it ever piss you off? That I dragged you into all this? I mean...your life would be a lot simpler if I just left you be,” Jason sighed, his brow creased slightly. Howard gave his shoulders a small squeeze, planting another kiss down on to the top of his head.
“Love, believe me, my life would not be any richer if you left me be,” he said gently.
“I said simpler, not richer,” Jason pointed out with a small smile.
“Maybe I like a little complexity. I fell for you after all. If simplicity was my thing I don’t think that could have happened,” Howard remarked with a cheeky smile that Jason couldn’t resist laughing at, sitting himself up slightly. He rested his chin on Howard’s shoulder and studied his face a moment, his blue eyes bright and thoughtful.
“I mean it though Howard – if I just let you get on with your DJ thing, and let you just spend time with your own mates instead of always getting you mixed up with mine then...” he began, but Howard pressed a kiss against his lips mid-sentence. It was always his preferred method of shutting Jason up. He rested their foreheads together and smiled.
“Jay; I let myself get dragged into it. I am mixed up with you for a reason. I’m in it for the mornings where, even though you hate being late, you let me get my own way just coz you know it makes me smile. I’m in it for the smile you give me when I’m getting in your way and winding you right up just to let me know that, even though you’re shouting at me, you love me. I’m in it for the way that, even though you’re more than capable of fighting your own battles, you let me fight a few for you, just coz you know it’s important to me. I’m in it coz you don’t complain when I wake you up coz you know I’ve spent all night at work wishing you were there. And, most of all, I’m in it coz, every now and again, someone will point out to me that I am painfully obviously hopelessly in love with you...for some reason I get a buzz out of the fact everyone knows that,” Howard told Jason slowly, tucking strands of Jason’s hair into an order only he understood. The corners of Jason’s lips twitched up in a fond smile and Howard ran his other hand along Jason’s spine. Jason arched his back slightly, Howard’s touch sending a ripple of warmth through him.
Jason and Howard’s lips were almost meeting when suddenly the moment was shattered by the sound of the shop’s door clattering open. The bell rang briskly and Jason and Howard jumped, turning to see Gary storming in behind Mark, his face red from shouting.
“...and you just let him Mark!” Gary was yelling. Jason and Howard exchanged a look, disentangling themselves and coming to stand in the archway. Neither Mark nor Gary noticed them and they watched as Mark threw his coat forcefully at Gary.
“And what did you want me to do Gaz?! Run away?! Make everything worse?! He was doing the right thing, just coz you don’t like it doesn’t make it any less true!” he shouted.
“The right thing?! The right thing would be to leave you the hell alone, to leave both of us the hell alone. Robbie Williams has no right to touch you anymore...” Gary shot back but Mark cut him off.
“No, you’re right, not anymore, he just ended it. But he had every right to kiss me goodbye, it needed to be done! At least he was classy about it...” he shouted over the top of Gary’s speech.
“...and you have no right to let him! Oh, so that was goodbye?! Does everyone say goodbye to you that way?! Jay, Howard? You say goodbye to Mark by kissing him? No! That was more than a goodbye Mark! And don’t tell me all that ‘being classy’ crap Mark, there’s nothing classy about him,” Gary fumed. Jason clenched his jaw and Howard noticed it instantly. He could see the way his husband’s shoulders had tensed so he placed a silent hand on the small of his back in an offer of support.
“Shut up, Gaz! You don’t know him! He is a class act Gaz – you heard him, he has his faults. But he’s only human and he’s trying! He’s trying to be better! And being better meant he had to say goodbye! You should be thanking him for that! He’s helping me to move on as much as he’s helping himself – or would you rather I was fixated on the past still?!” Mark demanded.
“He shouldn’t have to help you move on Mark, you should already be moved on! Or had you missed the fact we’re married?!” Gary snapped.
“How can you even...” Mark began, but Jason spoke over him.
“Shut up! Shut up the pair of you and listen to yourselves,” Jason cut through the argument with an even tone and a cold stare. Howard recognised the anger behind Jason’s deceptively calm words and he bit his lip, concerned for his husband as much as his friends.
“Jay I...” Gary began to try and explain but Jason’s eyes flashed dangerously.
“No, Gary, I’m sick of both of you. You’re just as guilty of forgetting you’re married as he is. You’re selfish, the pair of you, and I’m tired of watching you treat each other like you don’t exist! You’re both my friends, I care about both of you, but you’re both so oblivious sometimes! I’m sorry but you are! You gave up your right to be selfish when you told each other you loved each other, it’s as simple as that, or at least it should be. You cannot pull one string in Howard’s life without me knowing about it and you can’t so much as look at me the wrong way without Howard being on your case. But you two?! You’re both so wrapped up in your own worlds that you forget there’s anyone else you need to be looking out for!” he told them, looking between the two of them for some sign they understood. Gary looked down at the floor and Mark bit his lip.
“You don’t understand Jay, it’s so much harder for us to...” Mark tried but Jason was having none of it and he shook his head.
“It’s not supposed to be easy to do Markie but you just have to learn it, you just have to adapt. You know me, you know what I’m like; I’m my own person, I like to go off in my own world and be in charge of my own time. But I know Howard worries about me if he can’t get in touch. Of course it would be easier for me to just go, to just go to work without telling him or to stay at my dad’s an hour later without having to make a phone call. But I make the call and I leave a note. One time I got all the way here and realised I hadn’t told him where I’d be. I didn’t have my phone on me, so I just drove home. Coz I know it’s important to him. I’m not saying that that’s how you have to go about it, I’m not saying you should be that way or operate like me and him or whatever. But I am saying that you should listen to each other. Try and understand each other’s point of view, understand why you’re both saying what you’re saying, behaving the way you are. Coz if you can’t do that then you shouldn’t be in a relationship,” Jason sighed and with that he walked briskly out of the shop.
Gary and Mark looked up at each other slowly as the shop door closed behind Jason then nervously turned their eyes to Howard, who was staring intently at a space in middle-distance.
“Do you have any idea how much he hated saying that?” he asked them quietly.
“Howard...” Mark began and Howard laughed.
“Oh my God, did you listen to him at all?! Do you know how long he’s been fretting over you pair?! You’re his mates. He wants the best for both of you. But no one wants to say that to their mates, not even if they think it’ll help them. And when he does finally say it, you two stand there with nothing to say to him? Just think about what he said, yeah? And just you see if there’s maybe not more than a bit of truth to it,” Howard told them sharply before following his husband out of the door.
***
Howard stepped out onto the pavement and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down before glancing around for his husband. He didn’t need to look far. Jason was sitting on the edge of the pavement just a little way away from the shop. Howard watched him a moment, taking in the frightening thinness of him in the grey September air and studying the drained way his head was hung. Jason was used to being put into the middle of a dispute an having people expect him to find a way to solve it. He had enough siblings to never be far from a conflict of interests. But this was one war Jason had been at pains to avoid getting mixed up in. Howard knew he’d wanted Mark and Gary to sort themselves out. He hated it when he was forced to play the role of the contented spouse who is so smug in his own relationship he feels the need to correct everyone else’s. Howard knew Jason wasn’t like that. Jason was happiest when it was just the two of them, when no one else could see or hear or understand and no one else needed to. But there was little choice but to step in when Gary and Mark had been so violently throwing poison at each other.
Howard sighed, shrugging off his jacket and coming to sit down next to his husband.
“I don’t care if it’s a fucking cliché, you’re putting this around you before you freeze,” Howard whispered softly, putting his jacket around Jason and giving his temple a quiet kiss. Jason smiled and chuckled slightly, glancing up to look at Howard a moment before leaning against his chest.
“Now you’re going to freeze,” he pointed out and Howard squeezed his shoulders.
“Not going to happen, I’ve got more meat on my bones,” he assured Jason with a grin.
“Fine, but don’t expect me to look after you when you get ill,” Jason warned him playfully.
“Oh I’ll expect it. And it will happen. It always does – after all, you do love me,” Howard shrugged.
“Mm, I love you...I love you like I’d love a stray puppy that started following me around...but love’s love,” Jason smiled.
“Remind me why you never got that job writing Valentine’s cards?” Howard teased and Jason elbowed him gently. Howard planted a kiss on the top of his head and the two sat in silence for a moment.
“So come on, let’s get this health assessment over with,” Jason sighed at last and Howard smiled.
“Ok. You ok?” he asked. Jason sat up, looking him in the eye.
“Yes, I’m ok,” he replied and Howard cupped his cheek in his hand.
“Sure?” he checked and Jason smiled at him fondly.
“Sure,” he agreed and Howard smiled a satisfied smile, leaning their foreheads together.
“I’m going to hold you to that,” he murmured.
“You are so overprotective love,” Jason laughed and Howard grinned unashamedly.
“Yeah, well, all bodyguards have their fee; so shut up, close your eyes and give me a kiss,” he shot back and Jason raised an eyebrow.
“And how’s your career in the greetings card industry going?” he remarked and Howard rolled his eyes at him, bending in for the kiss before any more teases could be sent his way.
As the kiss ended, Jason tucked himself into Howard’s chest once more, tugging the jacket around his shoulders a little more tightly. He couldn’t help but let his thoughts turn to Mark and Gary and he wondered what was going on inside the shop. Howard noticed his creased brow and he squeezed his shoulders comfortingly.
“They’ll work it out Jay. It might take a while but...they will work it out. We worked things out,” he sighed and Jason nodded slowly.
“Yeah...but I just took you back to get you off my brother’s porch. I’m only here for the neighbours’ sakes,” he smiled after a beat and Howard laughed, shaking his head slightly.
“I’m taking my jacket back in a minute,” he warned jokingly.
“You wouldn’t do that,” Jason said with confidence and Howard wrinkled his nose.
“Why am I so easy?!” he lamented and Jason glanced up at him.
“Coz I make the best dinners you’ve ever tasted?” he suggested and Howard thought a moment.
“True. But don’t tell my mum I agreed to that,” he grinned.
Once more the two let silence descend. Neither one of them dared go back inside. Mark and Gary needed to talk and Jason was determined that the talking would happen, even if he and Howard had to sleep in front of the shop door.
“Mark’s issues are so tied up with his past though...I don’t know if this is fixable without him...well, without him taking some time to work out his own mind,” Jason mused softly.
“Maybe he will do that, maybe Gary will help him do that. All we can do is look after them both and keep on looking after each other,” Howard replied. Jason nodded, looking down at the floor as he thought to himself. Howard watched him thinking, wondering what it was that was still playing on his mind. Jason took a breath and glanced up at Howard.
“I think you should focus on your DJ work for a bit Howard...you let me take priority for a bit and...and I appreciate that and...and after everything that’s happened these past couple of years I think maybe we needed that. But now...I think you need to do it. For both of us. If either one of us gets too wrapped up in playing tagalong then we’ll end up the opposite of Mark and Gaz but...just as bad...” he frowned and Howard watched him a moment before giving a tentative nod.
“I...I think maybe you’re right. But...you have to know Jay, I’m not tagging along here. And you won’t be tagging along if I focus on my DJ work. Whatever we do we’re in it together, yeah?” he said and Jason smiled at him, nodding.
“Yeah. Always,” he agreed.
***
Mark sat on the shop’s stairs, listening to Gary playing out a melancholy tune on his favourite piano. It wasn’t a song Mark recognised and it had been so long since Gary had been able to write anything he was satisfied with that Mark suspected this was Gary at his improvisational best. Gary had an ability to play an emotion like no one else Mark knew. Many people were admired for their effortlessness, but to Mark it was the laboured way which Gary leant into his music that made it beautiful. There was a struggle in every touch.
The shop’s walls seemed to soak up the heavy notes and they fed a heavy atmosphere back out into the room, crowding Mark’s head. In the back of his mind he’d worked it out. He knew what he had to do. In his heart of hearts he’d understood his problem all along. But Robbie had forced him to see it in all its fractured glory and he couldn’t hide from it anymore. Well, he could, but he knew it would catch up with him eventually. Robbie was right, they had to face up to life sooner or later. And as much as Gary protected him, Mark knew he couldn’t carry on without facing up to some form of responsibility. Especially when he knew the damage his cowardice was doing to Gary. He rubbed his hands over his face, sucking in a breath. Was he really about to do this?
Pushing himself up slowly, Mark made his way over to the small doorway which separated the piano room from the main shop. For a moment he watched Gary silently, scared to death. His heart was beating far too fast but the rest of him had slipped into slow motion. He hardly blinked as Gary played the chords. He wasn’t sure how they’d let themselves get this way. They were both at fault, to a certain extent. They were both guilty of selfishness, even Jason had managed to work that out and he didn’t even know the half of it. But Mark felt sure that it wasn’t that way all the time. They had their moments. Not so much of late, but there had been some. A lot. They did love each other, after all.
Gary only noticed Mark’s presence once he was already standing next to him at the side of the piano. Mark’s forehead was slightly creased and he fixed his eyes on Gary’s hands as they paused on the piano keys. After a moment Gary looked up at him with broken blue eyes.
“Gaz...” Mark whispered, his voice close to tears but his eyes growing more determined.
“Mark, don’t, I’m sorry, I didn’t...” Gary began but Mark was shaking his head, slowly dropping to the floor, kneeling at Gary’s feet. Gary frowned, his words dying on his lips.
“Gaz...I’m the one who’s screwed us up, don’t apologise to me. Rob was right about me, you know? I’m fucked up Gaz, I’m fucked up. I think maybe I always have been, a little bit. Or at least...I’ve always been the sort of person with the potential to get fucked up. I get so fucking scared of stupid shit that shouldn’t bother me and it just...it all got on top of me eventually...” Mark began to explain. “Markie, please don’t say that, it can’t all be your mess...it’s both of us in this relationship, I have to...I have to take some of the blame. And I have to help sort it out too, not just you. I shouldn’t have spoken to you the way I did, you shouldn’t be apologising to me for that, that’s just backwards,” Gary insisted but Mark only seemed to get closer to tears.
“No Gaz, please...please stop being so...so you! I can’t do this if you’re just sat there giving me the easy option. I’m a mess Gaz, I am. Whether you want to see it or not I’m a mess. And I have to go. I have to go and sort myself out. Away from here. Away from anyone. I have to sort me out. On my own. No easy options, no one bailing me out of my disasters,” Mark told him softly. Gary’s frown deepened and he shook his head slightly as he tried to unpick Mark’s words.
“I don’t understand Markie...I don’t...” he stammered and Mark smiled sadly, sniffing slightly to prevent tears. He took one of Gary’s hands in his.
“I’ve always been so fucking scared of losing people Gaz. Rob was right, you know? Me and him...I suppose we sort of...destroyed each other. It was a nice sort of disaster I suppose...so nice I guess I didn’t wanna see it then. I didn’t even wanna see it ten fucking minutes ago I suppose. But not wanting to see something can’t change the fact can it. He was scared of having me coz he thought he’d break me, so he pushed me away. And I was scared of loving him in case he left me...and he did leave me in the end...and it was like everything I thought had come true,” Mark murmured, tears coming now.
“But what’s that got to do with us?” Gary whispered nervously, squeezing Mark’s hand. Tears were rolling down Mark’s cheeks and he smiled a watery smile, sniffing softly and resting his chin on Gary’s knee. Gary looked down at him, their stare unbroken.
“Everything Gaz...I mean, all this stuff with Rob, with me wanting to know if we could have worked, with me not wanting to say goodbye...it’s just coz I’m so scared that it’s my fault. I’m scared that it’s my fault for feeling safe, for loving him. People I love get lost Gaz, they always get lost to me. I lose people. And so every time I love anyone, I start to wait for the loss to come again. Rob...was the only person I loved anywhere near the way I love you. And his was the worst loss of all. And I think a part of me thought maybe if I hadn’t really lost Rob, if we had a different ending, then it would solve that. I thought it would fix me because the most painful loss would be cancelled out. But that wasn’t what happened. And so now I still just as scared. Because I love you just as much – no, I love you more – than I loved him...and I’m just waiting for the most painful loss I’ve ever know. In the back of my mind it’s inevitable. And I can’t risk being close enough to you to see how much I love you...it’s just my way of protecting myself. So I won’t notice as much when I lose you. And it’s always going to be that way Gaz. Until I go back to all those people, until I’ve been left on my own long enough to think back over those relationships, those friendships, work out why they ended, then I can’t do anything but hurt you,” Mark told him softly. Gary brushed slightly at his tears, holding back his own.
“But Markie you don’t hurt me,” he said and Mark closed his eyes.
“I do Gaz. I do because I can’t trust you to still be there. I can’t trust myself to love you properly. I just run away from having to be with you sometimes, distract myself from the fact I’m in a relationship. I get selfish because it keeps me safe. It means that when I lose you it won’t make as much difference...or...or I hope it won’t,” Mark sighed. Gary bit his lip, looking down at his piano in an effort to steady himself.
“You won’t lose me though...in any case, I was selfish too...” he tried.
“Maybe. Which didn’t help, I guess. You know you haven’t said you loved me for...for so long. Months. It’s been months...” Mark cut in with a distant voice. Gary winced.
“But I do,” he insisted.
“Say it then,” Mark challenged him quietly.
“Markie I...” Gary began but Mark squeezed his hand.
“Jay and Howard hardly notice they’re saying it, y’ know?” he smiled and Gary swallowed.
“It’s just how they are Mark,” he justified and Mark nodded slightly.
“I s’pose it is. But still it...it just fed the fear Gaz. And that fear’s not going to go away if you start to say it now. There is something in me that is running scared from being responsible for anyone but me...and I need to go away and work that out of my system,” he said.
“I could go with you,” Gary pleaded but Mark shook his head.
“Gaz, that would defeat the point,” he countered.
“Where will you go?” Gary asked nervously.
“I’ll work it out...all I know is I have to get away. And until I get back I want you to keep this for me,” Mark whispered and Gary watched silently as Mark slid his wedding ring from his finger, pressing it into his palm and making him close his hand around it.
“Mark...” he sniffed but Mark simply kissed his closed hand.
“I’ll earn the right to be married to you Gaz, ok?” Mark murmured, and with that he got up, walking directly from the shop, Gary watching his retreating form as his heart clattered angrily around inside his ribcage.
***
Jason and Howard had been on the pavement when Mark had emerged. Mark had simply thrown his arms around them and told them ‘Goodbye’ but Jason had made a guess at what was happening and had turned a shade of grey that Howard didn’t like. He knew why though. He understood that a part of Jason felt guilty for saying anything and Howard squeezed his shoulder in comfort as they came in through the front door. Jason glanced up at him and gave a weak smile before looking around the shop. From the piano room Gary’s voice drifted out, slow and cracked and half-hidden behind the piano chords he was playing. Howard and Jason moved cautiously across the shop floor, slipping into the piano room and joining Gary at the piano. He didn’t look up at them.
“Silence please coz I’ve got something to say,
and before the music takes you all away,
I never thought I’d leave it all so late,
now that you’re gone, oh you’re gone.
Yeah everybody loves a circus show,
but I’m the only clown you’ll ever know,
and now you can applaud my best mistake,
I love you was too many words to say.
I love you was too many words to say, to say...” Gary played on even as a tear traced its way down his cheek, the final chords more laboured than any chords he had played before in his life. As the song ended Jason’s brow creased in sympathy.
“Oh Gaz,” he sighed softly, sitting down on the edge of the piano stool next to his friend. Gary looked at him with damp eyes and then slowly and silently crumpled into his embrace, sobbing onto Jason’s shoulder.
Epilogue
It’s six o’clock on Oldham Street when Gary notices it. Something’s changed. Little things have been shifting around him for a while now; a man came to clean the dingy gold lettering of the shop’s front, Jason managed to sell two violins, a cello and a small piano in the space of a week and a half, Mark had departed with a collection of hats and scarves that had been littering the shop for years, someone broke Howard’s mug. Gary pauses in the dark of the shop when he feels it. Howard and Jason have gone home, the lights are off and, as far as he can hear, there isn’t another soul left on Oldham Street this evening. Just him and his shop. But even the shop seems absent somehow. That’s the change. He’s not sure how he missed it; had it only just happened or was this something that had started a long time ago? He clutches his keys and turns around. The floorboards don’t creak as he turns to survey the darkness. It’s just still. Not so much as a stray crotchet is stirring in the dust. The dust is just dust. The shop is just a shop. And for a strange moment Gary feels as though he has realised something, though he doesn’t know what. He can’t put it into words. Unusually for him he can’t even put it into notes. He glimpses it for a second and then the insight shuts down. As quickly as it arrived it leaves him. But it’s unsettled him enough to prepare him for the change.
Later that night he ventures out to the club Howard is working at. After seeing Mark on every corner that day, he’s grateful to finally spot Howard and Jason instead. Side by side in the DJ’s booth. Twin smiles. And suddenly that feeling comes back. Even in the stumbling mess of the club he can feel the prick of that stillness from the shop. A distance far greater than the dance-floor opens up between him and them. Jason leans forwards slightly, twists his wiry frame and glances up at Howard, half-laughing, half-admiring. It’s a different Jason to the one Gary knows. The same, essentially. But still somehow he is someone Gary doesn’t know, he is Howard’s Jason. Howard is trying to simultaneously show-off his husband and sustain the club’s energy. Gary can see it in the way his eyes flick in a one-two-three. One; he watches what his hands are doing. Two; he watches what Jason is doing. Three; he glances around, just to see who else is watching. Yet in his glances he fails to notice Gary. That oversight reminds Gary of his silent shop; absent like Howard’s gaze was absent now. Gary thinks again of his six o’clock pause. He tries to unpick his own shop’s stillness, his husband’s absence, his friends’ distance. But he can’t unpick anything. Once again the insight leaves.
Jason kisses Howard on the cheek and comes down from the DJ booth, fighting his way across the club to the bar, wedging himself in as quiet a spot as is possible before bellowing his order to the barman. Gary, overwhelmed by how distant a man just across the room from him can seem, doesn’t move towards him. His legs are not just heavy, they are immovable. He looks back at Howard, who, far too loved-up for his own good and grinning like a fool, is taking a brief moment to watch Jason. Jason, for his part, can feel Howard’s stare and he turns. Their eyes meet on some level above all the other occupants of the club. Gary watches as though he is a tourist in their world, as if he hasn’t seen this sort of moment a million times before. He sees it in different way since Mark went. Howard holds up his hands with an impish smile, forming a heart with them then pointing to Jason. Jason laughs, casually flashing Howard an ‘ok’ sign, his eyes glittering with mischief. But Howard knows the game and he waits patiently for that fraction of a second to pass. Sure enough Jason tilts his head, smiles fondly, and lifts his hands in a heart shape, points to Howard then flashes ‘2’ with his fingers. Gary smiles slightly. He supposes it’s about that, really. It’s not about how it ended the last time you loved, it’s not about that ending being different. It’s about existing over the top of everyone else’s heads; no one in the club gets in the way of the conversation, nothing life throws at them can ever mean their end. That’s why Gary and Mark will survive this. Gary knows, because he knows there is no ending, different or otherwise, to the way they love each other. Not even that displacing feeling of change can dislodge that thought.
Tonight is the night they all notice it though, in their own ways. Jason had noticed it a while before though he couldn’t define it when he tried. Howard hadn’t seen it coming until his phone rang around midnight and plunged him into the middle of it. Even Mark feels it, from a distance. On a train somewhere between Manchester and London his head lolls as he sleeps, he hits it on the window and sits upright, looking out of the train window with a frown. Tonight is the night that Mark will get on a plane from Heathrow’s Terminal 2. It’s the night that Gary will get an unexpected call from a friend in Frankfurt. Tonight Howard will wake Jason up by dropping a glass in the kitchen as he paces the apartment. Tonight is a night Jason will think back to for a long time to come. And tonight it’s still in Barlow’s music shop for the first time in years.
Howard crept into the bedroom quietly, trying to make as little noise as possible. One of the things that he hated most about his work was the number of times he disturbed his husband’s sleep – which was rare enough anyway of late, without him making things any worse. The shadows in the room shifted as the wind outside got stronger and swirls of cloud drifted across the moon. Manchester was still humming along quietly despite the ridiculous hour and the city’s lights sent dappled glows across the bed where Jason was lying, curled up tightly around his pillow. Howard discarded his clothes in a messy heap by the bed and slowly crawled under the duvet. He placed a tentative kiss to Jason’s exposed shoulder, determined not to ruin all his hard work keeping quiet simply for the selfish indulgence of a kiss. But, just as he was about to lie back, Jason stirred, turning slowly and sleepily around. Howard felt the twinge of defeat but was quick to take advantage of the situation, wrapping an arm around his husband’s waist. Jason’s eyes shone dimly in the shifting light and he half-smiled at Howard, letting himself be tugged across the bed and into Howard’s arms. Howard kissed the top of Jason’s head as he settled himself against his chest.
“Urgh, you stink of club,” Jason groaned softly, though he made no attempt to move from the embrace. Howard chuckled, resting his cheek against Jason’s hair and closing his eyes a moment.
“Sorry love. That place is a bit of a dive but...well, they offered good money,” he sighed.
“Mm,” Jason mumbled into Howard’s skin, ignoring the smell of smoke and alcohol and sweat and just enjoying the feel of his husband’s arms around him.
“I half-expected you to be awake and worrying,” Howard said and Jason smiled sleepily.
“Sleeping tablets. Not enough of them, apparently, coz I was up when you got in. What took you so long to get in here?” he questioned, making Howard grin.
“Sorry, fancied a brew before bed,” he shrugged and Jason nodded, stifling a yawn.
“Ok. But just so you know? I wouldn’t have minded you waking me up if I had actually been asleep. I miss you, you’ve been working non-stop lately,” he mumbled. Howard pulled a face.
“You know I hate waking you though,” he frowned and Jason gently elbowed him in the ribs.
“Liar. You don’t like the guilt but you like the kisses,” he reminded his husband quietly.
“Yeah, and I haven’t had a proper one yet!” Howard complained and Jason laughed, opening his eyes and pushing himself up slightly to give Howard the kiss he was looking for. Howard smiled into the kiss, letting Jason capture his lips and pull him close. They became so entangled that they rolled across to Jason’s side of the bed, twisting the duvet as they went.
“Happy now?” Jason asked playfully as they finally pulled apart.
“That’ll do. For now,” Howard agreed mischievously and Jason swatted him, before giving him another brief kiss and then settling back against his chest.
“You still stink of club though,” he sighed, wrinkling his nose and closing his eyes.
For a while the two of them lay in silence, staring at the patterns the shadows drew across the ceiling. Howard knew Jason was still awake, he could tell from his breathing and he could still see the quiet gleam of the light dancing off his blue eyes. He knew why Jason couldn’t sleep tonight, it had been the same ever since Gary had broken the news. But would Jason tell Gary? No, of course he wouldn’t. Truth be told Howard himself wasn’t wild about the idea, but he hadn’t said anything except to Jason and he couldn’t help but think his husband’s noble streak must have worn off on him. Jason shifted, turning his face into Howard’s chest and pulling Howard away from his thoughts.
“Listen love, I know I may not look like much but...I’m yours, for your sins. You could cry and worry and run mad for a week and I’d still know that you’re a fighter. And I’m always yours to talk to if you want,” Howard sighed at last, stroking his fingers lovingly along Jason’s arm and looking down at him with concern. Jason smiled a small, distant smile.
“That’s why I love you,” he whispered and Howard smiled.
“You’re changing the subject...but I love you too,” he replied, giving Jason a gentle squeeze.
“Despite the fact I should be locked up in a mental institution?” Jason asked. Howard chuckled and rolled his eyes and Jason smiled into his chest.
“Actually, there’s something that’s really rather beautiful to me about the fact you should be locked up in a mental institution,” Howard told Jason softly.
“I swear you used to tell me I shouldn’t be locked up in a mental institution you know,” Jason pouted and Howard simply shook his head, turning his gaze back to the ceiling once more.
“Mm, that was before you started shutting me out,” he remarked pointedly.
“Howard,” Jason groaned and Howard felt a twinge of guilt.
“Jay, I know you too well to buy any of your assurances. And I get it, I do. But I just think maybe if you talked it out then you could at least get some sleep, instead of it all getting internalised, you know? I’m just worried about you is all. Someone has to worry about you whilst you’re busy worrying about everyone else,” he sighed. Jason smiled slightly and nodded.
“I know love. And I’m sorry but I just...I don’t know. I mean, it’s not like the talking would change anything. I’d still be feeling the same way about it all. I would still be giving you cause to worry about me for years to come if I didn’t go through with this. With that on my conscience? I don’t think I’d ever sleep again. I’m not shutting you out Howard, I promise...I’m just...I don’t know, shutting down? But thank you...I...look, there is something you could do for me,” Jason said, glancing up into Howard’s eyes.
“Say the word,” Howard shrugged.
“Keep hold of me, just like this. At least until I fall asleep,” Jason murmured.
“You don’t even have to ask for that one love, just close your eyes,” Howard nodded gently and Jason smiled before settling back once more and closing his eyes. Howard was still holding him by the time they both fell asleep.
***
It was raining and Gary listened intently to the pattering sound as the raindrops hit the pavement outside. He sat alone at his piano in the dim light of the spare room, a mug of tea clutched in his hands. He didn’t want to think what ungodly hour it must be, he just knew he wasn’t getting to sleep. He could hear the dim buzz of the TV coming from the lounge so he knew Mark must still be up. But for some reason he didn’t feel like joining him. He and Mark hadn’t been spending all that much time together of late, both too busy and too distracted to be able to pay one another much attention. Gary didn’t think too much of it though, accepting that there were just too many other things crowding both his life and his mind.
For the millionth time that night he glanced up at the picture frame which was sitting on top of his piano. It was a recent addition to the room. He had had the frame for a long time but he’d always kept it in the lounge with the other photographs, slightly crowded out, slightly forgotten. Until recently that is. Until all this worry had set in. The picture was both an inspiration and a reassurance to him for those times when he was worrying so much about doing the wrong thing that he couldn’t bring himself to play a note, never mind compose a whole song. He couldn’t understand where it had come from. He had been so sure for so long, had been so convinced. And he still was. But he knew Jason wasn’t. Not that Jason would admit it. Gary’s blue eyes glimmered fondly as he thought of Jason’s noble silence. That man still smiled at him now just as warmly as he smiled down at him from the photo frame. The picture in question had been taken decades ago, when Jason and Gary had barely known each other for more than ten seconds. All that stuff people say in the movies about ‘just knowing’ instantly that someone is going to change your life – Gary wasn’t having any of it. Of course there had been a mutual respect there, an informal warmth between the two of them; you could tell as much from the way Jason had casually slung one arm around Gary’s shoulders, the other outstretched in a grand gesture of some sort, whilst Gary himself was pulling a face of mild bemusement. It was all so lazily friendly. But Gary hadn’t thought for one minute it was anything special. Not at that point anyway. And yet, with hindsight, he could see that Jason had been just that; something special. Jason had endured years of being his life-coach, not that he seemed to mind that much. Which was exactly where the problem lay, wasn’t it? Jason had helped him towards all this, hadn’t he? Jason had been the one who had built his confidence back up again until the day finally came that Gary had decided he really could do it. But, on the other hand, it had never been Jason’s dream. And didn’t Gary owe Jason’s hopes and fears a certain amount of respect? A certain amount of duty? All those years of Jason helping support Gary’s hopes and dreams, and yet here Gary was, still ploughing onwards with those same hopes and dreams of his, still not being able to find the balance between what he wanted and what he owed his friend.
“You still up?” Mark’s voice made Gary jump slightly and he turned around to see Mark hovering in the doorway. The smaller man smiled at him, padding into the room and placing a kiss to his cheek before glancing up to see what Gary had been looking at. He nodded, as if in realisation, before turning his head to look back into Gary’s eyes.
“Couldn’t sleep,” Gary told him with a shrug. He felt guilty worrying like this. He knew Mark wanted this to happen almost as much as he did, that he was excited to the point of distraction, and he knew that all his agonising was only serving to make Mark feel frustrated.
“Me neither. Just coz I’m so nervous and excited I guess, my mind won’t stop thinking about it – it just races every time I close my eyes. Good job I’m on afternoons at the caff, I can have a lie-in tomorrow to make up for it. You could join me you know? Let Jay open up and cover for you? I’m sure Howard will help him...” Mark suggested, eyes dancing brightly. Gary looked up and gave him a fond yet tired smile.
“Don’t you think I ask enough of the poor bloke already?” he asked and Mark tilted his head sympathetically, stroking his hands absent-mindedly through Gary’s blonde hair.
“Gaz, you know Jay! He’s no pushover. He wouldn’t do it if he really truly had a problem,” he said softly, planting a kiss to Gary’s temple before perching himself precariously on the piano stool next to him. Gary sighed and looked down at his hands.
“We’re not talking about opening up the shop anymore are we,” he murmured with a wry smile.
“No. Guess not. But I mean it – if he didn’t think this was something he could live with, he wouldn’t be agreeing to it,” Mark assured him gently, cupping his cheek in his hand.
“I know it’s just...what if he’s only grinning and bearing it because he feels a sense of duty to me? Because he thinks I’ve been a good friend to him so he feels he has to return the favour? I’ve helped where I can but...but not enough. I shouldn’t just expect him to always drop everything for me, best mates or not! And...and this is about to turn his and Howard’s lives upside-down, a prospect I’m not sure either of them are looking forward to,” Gary told Mark slowly. If he was honest, this was more than just mere speculation on his part. Howard had implied as much. He and Howard had gotten a lot closer of late. Whilst Gary and Mark had been pulled in somewhat different directions by life over the past few months, Jason and Howard had made a conscious effort to not allow such a thing to happen to them. Gary supposed it was a symptom of the end of their brief troubles earlier that year, and he had to admit that the two of them seemed to be stronger than ever, more in tune with each other than he had realised two people could ever be. The effect for Gary had been that Howard had been around him almost as much as Jason, and he and Howard often found themselves chatting to each other about life when Jason was called away to help someone find the 2010 edition of ‘Cello For Beginners’ or locate an original vinyl copy of a ‘Derek and the Dominoes’ album. Howard let slip things that Jason wouldn’t – marginally less noble and ever-concerned for his husband’s happiness. It was largely because of Howard that Gary knew that Jason and Howard weren’t exactly walking on sunshine about all this. Not that Jason made much effort to tell him otherwise, he just avoided the topic altogether.
“Me and you have wanted this forever. And we have two friends who are willing to come along with us for the ride. Who knows, maybe they’ll find it’s something they wanted all along. You just never know. Howard is Mister Go-With-The-Flow anyway. And Jay’s only worried coz it’s his job to worry,” Mark promised Gary with another quick kiss. Gary smiled and nodded.
“Hmm...maybe you’re right. Anyway, I’m not going to make Jay open up alone again, so I need to get to bed. You coming or you staying up a bit longer?” Gary asked, pushing himself up from the piano stool before looking expectantly at Mark. Mark shrugged idly and turned to the piano, playing a quiet tune for a moment before looking back into Gary’s eyes.
“Later maybe,” he smiled quietly and with that Gary left him, suddenly desperate for a deep and dreamless sleep.
***
“You feeling any better?” Jason asked Howard gently, looking up as his husband finally emerged into the living area, damp and smelling overpoweringly of citrus, and yet, for some reason, still feeling the weight of his late finish the night before. Howard wrinkled his nose and groaned, still rubbing at a crick in his neck and stifling a yawn. He always felt rough after jobs at that place and he didn’t know why he’d expected this morning to be any different.
“I’m getting too old for this,” he grumbled good-naturedly. Jason smiled at him, his eyes full of sympathy as he left the kitchen and placed his tender hands on Howard’s neck.
“Poor love,” he said softly, kissing Howard’s cheek and stroking his thumbs against his skin. Howard instantly felt a tremor of well-being from Jason’s light touch and he took his husband into a steady embrace, kissing the crook of his neck, then his cheek, then firmly pressing their lips together.
“Urgh, do you two ever give it a rest! It’s the morning for God’s sake!” a voice cut through the tender moment and Howard looked over to see his daughter pulling herself up into one of the stools at the breakfast bar. He shot his daughter a warning glance and was tempted to snap back at her but Jason, of course, dealt with her with his usual patience. Howard was grateful for the intervention, as he really wasn’t up to an argument.
“Sweetheart, my advice would be; slightly less of the lip or I will give your father full permission to eat your breakfast as well as his own. He’s had a rough night, he could probably use either the nourishment of two breakfasts, or the good behaviour of his daughter. Which do you think would be best?” Jason said calmly, a note of quiet reprimand in his voice that got Grace’s attention immediately. Jason folded his arms and raised an eyebrow and she smiled at him sheepishly.
“Sorry...I just hate being back at school again is all,” she mumbled and Jason nodded, apparently satisfied, before looking back up at Howard.
“You ok?” he asked gently and Howard nodded slowly.
“Ask me again when I’ve got some food down me,” he replied with a grin and Jason laughed, moving away from Howard’s embrace and back towards the kitchen. Howard felt that rush of wellbeing leaving him as soon as Jason’s contact was lost and he sat down quickly to try and recover himself.
Luckily for Howard, nothing seemed to get past Jason. His husband shot him a knowing and concerned glance as he served up the food. Once Grace had slunk off to eat hers on the sofa, Jason placed his hand gently on top of Howard’s and as their eyes met Jason flashed Howard a kind smile.
“Should we change our surnames to ‘Brave Face’ and have done?” he asked playfully and Howard chuckled, tilting his head to one side as if to consider it.
“Perhaps. Or maybe you should try taking my last name, see if it relaxes you any,” he replied.
“Hmm, maybe. Us in the Orange family are all somewhat highly strung...in our own unique ways...” Jason mused with a slight crease of his brow. Howard grinned, mischief coming alive in his eyes.
“Somewhat?!” he teased and Jason swatted at him.
“Shush you...anyway, why have you never pressed me about that?” he frowned and Howard looked up at him in confusion, setting aside his morning coffee and resting his chin on his hand.
“Pressed you about what exactly?” he said as Jason leant on the breakfast bar in a mirror of Howard’s own pose.
“About not taking your name,” he shrugged and Howard smiled softly.
“Coz I know that your family are a part of who you are, and I know that fact is important to you. In any case, you agreed to put up with me for the rest of your life, I figured the least I could do was not drag your name into the mud as well,” he grinned, eyes twinkling roguishly. For a moment Jason smiled at him thoughtfully, looking into his eyes with the sort of love Howard was proud to know was only for him. Silently Jason pushed Howard’s breakfast out of the way, leaning across the breakfast bar enough to tug Howard towards him, burying his hand in Howard’s hair as he gave him a slow, tender kiss. Howard smiled as they pulled back, raising an eyebrow.
“And what was that for...?” he asked and Jason laughed softly.
“Just...just for being you,” he shrugged in response.
“I think you’ll find I’m me all the time love,” Howard chuckled, cupping Jason’s cheek in his hand.
“Guess that makes you a very lucky man then,” Jason suggested, blue eyes glittering.
“That much I was already aware of,” Howard agreed with a slight incline of his head, giving Jason a brief kiss on the cheek before sitting back and pulling his breakfast towards him once more. Jason paused for a moment, chewing his lip, a thoughtful expression gracing his features.
“I’m sorry...” he said suddenly, soft and quiet and looking down at his hands. Howard stopped, reaching across and touching Jason’s chin lightly with his fingertips, tipping his head up to look him in the eye.
“Sorry? What would make you think I needed an apology?” he asked gently and Jason smiled.
“For not taking you up on your offer last night. I know we haven’t talked all that much about what’s going on...” he began but Howard waved him off.
“Don’t be silly Jay, I know you, I can guess what’s on your mind. And I know it’s got nothing to do with not thinking you can talk to me or not wanting to trust me. You just like to get stuff sorted in your own head before you try and deal with it with the help of someone else’s,” he smiled. Jason looked at him a moment, his head on one side, a small smile tugging at the very corner of his lips.
“You are so easy to love sometimes,” he sighed and Howard chuckled.
“Yeah, but sometimes I make it a bit harder,” he winked. Jason shook his head and laughed.
“In any case I...I think I do want to talk. I think tonight, when we’ve dropped madam over there off at her mum’s, you and me should go out, somewhere nice. And we should talk about this. And we should make a final decision. What do you say?” he asked after a pause and Howard nodded thoughtfully.
“I say...yes, as long as it’s definitely what you want,” he agreed with a smile.
“It is. You know everything about me Howard, even the stuff I don’t tell you. What good’s it doing me driving myself mad discussing it with myself when you already understand?” Jason told him.
“Well when you put it like that!” Howard teased and Jason laughed, turning to pick up his keys before looking back at Howard with a guilty smile.
“As much as I’m enjoying our morning banter love, I really have to get going. I’ll see you after the school run’s over though, yeah?” he sighed, shrugging his bag onto his shoulder and giving Howard a quick peck on the cheek. Howard smiled up at him.
“Definitely, someone needs to make the tea for you and Gaz, eh?” he nodded and Jason smiled, giving him one more peck on the cheek for good measure before heading off towards the door.
“Later Jay!” Grace called from the sofa and Jason paused by the door to give her a mock salute. Howard watched the exchange with mild amusement and then, just as Jason tugged on the door handle, a thought occurred to him.
“Hey! Jay!” he said suddenly, turning on his stool as his husband looked over his shoulder at him.
“Yeah?” Jason frowned.
“Why did you never press me?” Howard asked with a grin and Jason laughed. He shrugged idly, pulling open the door and shooting Howard a glowing smile.
“Coz I think we worked out a long time ago that I will always be the woman in this relationship,” he said, his eyes still shining, before heading off, leaving Howard quietly chuckling as the door closed behind him.
***
The bell on the shop door jangled loudly as Gary half-tumbled across the threshold, brushing helplessly at his dripping wet hair and sodden coat, muttering about Manchester whether and alarm clocks. Howard chuckled from his place on the stairs and Jason, who was leaning against the banister, simply watched the sight with amusement, taking a calm sip of his tea and tilting his head to one side in thought.
“Afternoon Barlow...you’re dripping on the floorboards,” he remarked at last and Gary shot him a withering glance. Jason flashed him a dazzling smile and Gary couldn’t help but soften.
“Slept through my alarm. Rough night,” he sighed, trying to shrug himself free of his coat but getting tangled up in the sleeves.
“I guessed as much. Don’t worry, I’ll have my beautiful assistant here make you up a brew in a minute,” Jason replied, nodding his head towards Howard. His voice was laced with the sort of sympathy that warmed Gary’s heart. Jason’s capacity for understanding never failed to touch him – he appreciated it, though he wasn’t sure he told that to Jason as much as he ought to. Gary felt a pang of something he couldn’t place as he thought that, something that was somewhere between guilt and fear. But he pushed it to the back of his mind, soothing himself with the trusted mantra of ‘He wouldn’t do it if he didn’t want to’ turning over in his mind.
“Beautiful? You sure about that?!” Gary joked with a tight laugh and Jason pursed his lips, suppressing a smile as he pushed himself up from the banister.
“Completely confident of it thank you,” he remarked coolly before finishing off the dregs of his tea and moving towards the back room.
“No Mark today?” Howard inquired as his husband disappeared from view and Gary sighed.
“No...he still has about a year’s worth of shift-swaps and last-minute absences to make up for. He was still asleep when I left, thank goodness! I’d have had hell to pay if I woke him up before it was absolutely necessary,” he shrugged with a wry smile. Howard pulled a face.
“Ah, he would have forgiven you eventually,” he countered and Gary arched an eyebrow.
“Maybe, but why risk the fight in the first place?” he shot back.
“Gotta be worth it just to be talking to him though, eh?” Howard smiled, not looking at Gary as he said it but instead staring absently into his mug.
At that moment, Jason emerged from the piano room, a fluffy towel in his hand and a kindly look in his eyes. Howard and Gary both turned to look at him expectantly and he shrugged.
“You’d be amazed at the things I have in those cupboards,” he grinned. Gary had to admit, he had spent little time looking in the cupboards of the shop’s tiny back-room-come-kitchen. He knew where the ingredients for his tea were and he knew where the biscuit tin was, beyond that he left Jason in charge, spending more of his time in the adjoining piano room instead.
“Knowing you, something for every eventuality,” Howard teased gently. Jason pulled a face then chucked the towel in Gary’s direction.
“Freshly washed – I like to keep my house in order after all” he informed Gary with a proud little nod and Gary laughed at him as the towel hit him square in the face.
“Then what on earth are you married to that one for?!” he joked, jabbing a thumb at Howard and removing the towel from his face slowly. Jason paused a moment, his eyes twinkling softly as he cast a brief glance over to Howard. Howard’s eyes met his instantly and they shared a moment that Gary almost felt he ought to look away from it was so intimate. Then Jason turned his smiling eyes back to Gary and he shrugged.
“You know...he’s just nice to have around the place,” he said with a grin and Gary grinned back at him before starting to dry off his rain-soaked hair and face. When he finally finished, his hair was sticking up at a thousand different angles and was tentatively frizzy, a few stray raindrops still decorating his forehead. He looked between Jason and Howard for a moment then grinned brightly and folded his arms.
“Did someone say something about a brew?!” he asked hopefully. Jason rolled his eyes and sighed, turning back towards the piano room and waving a dismissive hand at Howard.
“Don’t worry love, I’ll get the boss his tea since I’m up already – you know it’s just want, want, want with you Barlow!” he called airily over his shoulder and Gary threw the towel after him.
Howard’s quiet smile lingered a while after Jason had gone and Gary watched him thoughtfully before turning to hang up his coat and coming to join him on the stairs.
“And what are you smiling about Donald?” he smirked, elbowing Howard gently in the side.
“The fact he got out the right side of bed this morning,” Howard shot back with a wink. Gary nodded slowly. He could detect the note of seriousness that touched Howard’s mischief. This was the thing Gary found so hard to explain to Mark. It wasn’t that Mark didn’t care about Jason’s feelings – of course he did, he had a big heart did Mark and his friends meant the world to him. But Mark didn’t get to see the genuine fear that was at the root of Jason’s worries. Because he wasn’t around the shop that often of late he didn’t get to see that look in Jason’s eyes, hear that concern in Howard’s voice. And, even more importantly, he missed out on all those silent moments Howard and Jason shared; the smiles and the banter and the glances that spelt out to Gary so clearly that the two of them had found that place they absolutely wanted to be in for life. When Gary had married Mark, he had been just as convinced that he had found his place in the world, that he didn’t want any aspect of his life to be disrupted. If Jason had walked in at that moment and asked him to turn his life upside-down, would he have done it? Gary wrinkled his nose at his own question .
“You make that sound like a rare occurrence...” he sighed, looking down at his hands. Neither he nor Howard could ignore the pause that elapsed between them.
“Oh I wouldn’t say that. He always has a smile for me in the morning,” Howard tried at last. Gary chuckled slightly and raised an eyebrow, looking Howard in the eye.
“Ah but that’s just it, the smile is for you. What if it weren’t for you, eh?” he questioned.
“You give me far too much credit,” Howard deflected, looking away. Gary let out a long sigh.
“Mm, and you don’t give yourself enough. You are both still up for this aren’t you? And don’t fob me off here, I want to know Howard,” he murmured. Howard smiled a strange smile that seemed somehow broken and faraway.
“Gaz, mate...no offence, but if you really, really wanted to know? You’d be asking Jay all this,” he said, putting a hand on Gary’s shoulder before getting up and heading towards the back room.
Chapter Two
Mark sat on the counter, swinging his legs in time with the music playing on the radio, getting in everyone’s way. Laura and Clare exchanged amused glances across the cafe, rolling their eyes before turning back to their cleaning duties.
“Mark, sweetie, why don’t you get home to that husband of yours? We can finish cleaning up here...” Laura offered, putting down her cloth and blowing strands of her blonde hair out of her face. Clare laughed, continuing to wipe down tables.
“Aw, Laura, leave him be. He’ll be gone soon!” she reminded, eyes dancing slightly sadly.
“Don’t say it like that, you make it sound like I’m dying or something!” Mark pouted, hopping down off the counter and picking up his broom once more.
“Well you might as well be for all we’ll hear of you! You won’t be thinking of poor old Laura and Clare when you’re selling out Wembley!” Clare sniffed over-dramatically and Laura laughed at her.
“Shove off Clare, course he will, Mark’s lovely! Mark will remember us – won’t you sweetie?” she asked as she continued to scrub away at the glass of the cake-display, trying to ignore what was left of the day’s cakes lying inside. Mark swept away at the floor for a moment, pretending he cared about cleaning before quickly deciding he couldn’t keep up the pretence and happily ditching the broom. He swung himself into one of the chairs and flashed the girls his sparkling grin.
“If you get me some cake then I promise to remember you...backstage passes and all!” he laughed. Both girls stilled looking at each other for a moment before a frantic scramble occurred. Clare vaulted a couple of chairs and Laura almost slipped as she tried to get around the counter. Mark giggled, shaking his head softly and resting his chin on his hand as he watched them. Of course he would like to think that it was their keenness to keep his friendship that caused the chaos, but he knew the girls too well; it was all about the cake. Their cake parties had become something of a tradition recently, with Mark spending more time at the cafe and Clare and Laura being bubbly sorts who couldn’t resist a natter and loved their little Markie (they were both six foot stunners and they dwarfed him, causing them to treat him a little bit like a pet.)
In no time the three of them were seated in the middle of the cafe, giggling like naughty school children and nattering about how unwise it was of their boss to trust them to lock up. Mark was glad of the change of topic. He was excited, he really was, but he also couldn’t help but feel as though he was caught up in the middle of a whirlwind. He knew it was going to take him somewhere nice and lovely and he wanted to go...he just wished he could have a gentler ride. And then there was the other little detail...the one he’d failed to mention to anyone, the one even Gary wasn’t fretting about – although maybe it was Gary who should fret about it more than anyone. Strange how one little phone call could tip the entire world on its side. Everything Mark had thought was perfect had become skew-whiff, cracks and gaps and poorly concealed water-damage revealed and exposed. The sun was too hot and the showers drowned him. That was what happened when you questioned life’s certainties he supposed. He didn’t know what to do about it, who to confide in. He thought maybe the best thing to do was let the world run its course without interference – if he was meant to change direction it would happen by itself. The only problem with that was that Mark was bad at keeping secrets. In fact, the only way he could keep them was if he avoided those he was keeping them from. Time with Gary became strained. Time with Howard and Jason became almost none-existent. Luckily he found that life threw up enough things to keep him distracted with; work was mad, his other friends hardly left him alone, Gary was concerned with his music and his duty to Jason and a million other things Mark hadn’t had the time to ask him about.
Laura noticed Mark’s distant expression and looked at him in concern. Clare followed her gaze and smiled fondly, giving Mark a gentle prod in the side.
“Earth to Owen – where did you go just then?” she teased and Laura’s eyes flashed playfully.
“Down the road to that bloody music shop, at a guess!” she laughed, big-voiced and sparkly as ever.
“Oh – well you would know!” Clare shot back before Mark could retort for himself.
“What?!” Laura gasped, just that little bit too outraged to be believed, and Mark laughed.
“Own up Laura, me and Mark both know you’ve got it bad for Howard!” Clare smiled radiantly, grasping Mark’s upper arm tightly so as to demonstrate their united front.
“And you’ve had your tongue down his husband’s throat but I don’t tease you about it!” Laura pouted, her eyes narrowed a little in mock-challenge to Clare. Mark almost choked on his cake.
“Woah – seriously?!” he asked Clare in shock. Clare shrugged casually, a shy smile on her red lips.
“Howard said I could! Anyway, Laura’s exaggerating!! It was just a little kiss – and no tongues were involved!” she giggled, pretending to inspect her nails. Mark looked to Laura for explanation.
“It was her birthday. We went in to look for you but you and Piano Man had left Jason in charge. She’d been hankering after a birthday present from you, Jay said that’s what you’d just gone out to buy and asked if he could get her anything instead...” Laura elaborated and Clare looked up.
“Long story short; I asked him for a kiss. Howard was there and, when I didn’t claim my birthday present right away, he gave his consent...” she beamed and Laura laughed sharply.
“And she practically knocked Jay backwards!” she put in and Clare stuck her tongue out. Mark simply laughed, shaking his head.
“Mm, that sounds like Howard and Jay. I don’t understand them two sometimes; they adore each other but spend half their lives flirting with other people...and the other half bickering!” he sighed.
“Well luckily for you it’s not their relationship you have to understand, it’s your own! How is Gaz? I haven’t seen him around for a while,” Laura asked him, collecting the plates and moving to clear up.
“Hectic schedules...that’s another thing I never understand about Howard and Jay actually...Howard’s job is late nights and Jay’s is early mornings, they both have huge families, Howard has a kid...and yet they always find time! Even more since all that drama they had this year,” Mark frowned, raking his fingers through his hair. Clare raised an elegant eyebrow.
“Jealous?” she enquired, gently and tenderly. Mark smiled and shrugged off her enquiry.
“Nah, just impressed. And missing them a bit actually, mind if I leave you to finish closing up so I can pop over there?” he asked and Clare laughed.
“Course we don’t! You weren’t really helping us much anyway!” she teased and Mark stuck his tongue out at her before dashing off to grab his coat from the back.
***
Gary stifled a yawn as he pushed himself up from the piano. Jason had had the kindness to deal with most of the day’s customers and Howard had been good enough to supply tea at regular intervals (though Gary suspected this was largely under prompt from his husband) and all in all he felt he owed the pair the chance to knock off early. He stretched as he made his way through the shop, which was getting alarmingly dusty, and crossed the squeaking floorboards into the side room where Jason and Howard were bantering quietly.
“You’re a daft git, you know that?” Jason sighed as he scribbled something onto a piece of paper. He was stood behind the counter, a tiny crease of concentration touching his forehead as he crossed something out, his free hand resting affectionately at the nape of his husband’s neck. Howard himself was sat on the counter, a magazine on his lap, a pout on his lips. Gary suspected another technology row – in the Orange-Donald household technology seemed to be a frequent point of contention.
“You’ve told me that before, and I’m beginning to think you don’t actually mind that much,” Howard countered, not looking up from his magazine. Gary couldn’t help but notice that Jason’s expression was the perfect match to Howard’s without their eyes even having to meet.
“And what makes you so sure?” Jason smirked with pursed lips, underlining something on the paper with a flourish before continuing on with his scribbling. Howard casually flicked to the next page of the magazine and smiled quietly to himself.
“Well you did marry me love,” he pointed out and Jason’s eyes shone.
“Hmm...I did wonder why you kept turning up in my bed,” he murmured, finally looking up. Howard seemed to sense his movement as he turned slightly, just in time for Jason to press a brief kiss to his lips. As their lips parted, Jason winked wordlessly at Howard and, just like that, they turned back to what they had been doing.
“Just seems like a bit of an oversight on your part, that’s all,” Howard said after a moment of silence. Jason shook his head and tried to conceal his amusement.
“Oh really? So you won’t mind sleeping on the sofa tonight then?” he asked casually.
“I never said that,” Howard frowned, turning another page of his magazine.
“Anyway, it’s all your fault. You proposed. I did warn you I was a basket case,” Jason shrugged quickly in response. Howard let out a small chuckle.
“Love is blind,” he shot back and Jason narrowed his eyes slightly.
“So much for ‘you’re not a basket case, just a very thoughtful human being’ then,” he remarked dryly, chewing his pencil.
“But you are a basket case! I’ll have you under the Trade Descriptions Act if you become a ‘very thoughtful human being’ instead,” Howard contested, his nose wrinkled.
“Well now you’re definitely not allowed to buy them,” Jason laughed triumphantly.
“Spoil sport,” Howard pouted.
“You still love me though,” Jason said airily.
“Just a little bit,” Howard confessed.
When the two still didn’t look up Gary decided it was probably time he stopped spying on them and made his presence known so he cleared his throat.
“Lovers’ tiff?” he teased, leaning on the frame of the archway and bringing Howard and Jason’s gazes up to him. Jason laughed and rolled his eyes.
“He wants new speakers. I like the nice Stone Age speakers we have now,” he explained.
“Ah, the gadget-freak and the technophobe, the most forbidden of all forbidden loves!” Gary nodded, trying to sound wise.
“Eh, they say it won’t work but they’re just jealous,” Howard winked. Jason looked at him a moment, folding his arms.
“You’re still not buying them! Not unless you’re ok with going without food, water, electricity or heat for the next few months,” he warned. Howard let out a groan of protest.
“Ok fine. How about I pull out the page, put it on the fridge, you can get ‘em me for Christmas?” he asked hopefully. Gary could see Jason wavering then. Because everyone knew what a good job Howard had done for Jason’s birthday and Gary suspected Jason was naturally inclined to feel he owed Howard something pretty spectacular in return. See, Howard had managed to get Jason a birthday present that put everyone else’s efforts to shame. He had bought their apartment. Gary could still remember when Jason had first found the place. The rent was exorbitant, but when Jason had shown it to Gary and Mark they had both known Jason had no choice but to move in there. It was as if it had been built for him; those windows were the detail that sold it completely. Gary knew Jason took great pride in the place, he loved it and it made him happy in a funny sort of way. It was for that reason that, when Jason had let him move in, Gary had known Howard Donald was the illusive ‘one’ for Jason. After all, Jason was very protective of that apartment of his, and only a chosen few were allowed to cross the threshold. But the one thing that frustrated Jason about the place? It wasn’t technically his. So when he found himself married, happy and healthy...the apartment had become the one thing that wasn’t quite complete. And Howard had fixed that. It had taken him all of May to make sure it was possible; he’d taken on gig after gig, done handy-work where he could find it and he’d even sold some of his marginally less used gadgets. He hadn’t told Jason why he was on the go so much, though he had made sure to lavish attention on him whenever possible so as to make up for it. And, to Gary’s great admiration, even after everything that had happened that March, Jason had trusted Howard wholly and completely. He’d been rewarded for doing so. On the morning of Jason’s birthday Howard had presented him with the deeds to the apartment with a tray of breakfast in bed, topped with a rose (Howard was a soppy devil at heart) and it was safe to say that the breakfast in bed had gone cold by the time Jason and Howard had finished officially christening the apartment as their very own property.
“Howard Paul Donald – I think you’re trying to guilt trip me,” Jason announced casually and Gary smirked, shaking his head.
“But love, it’s just so easy to do!” Howard teased, giving Jason a brief peck on the cheek.
Before Jason could protest, the shop’s bell jangled and the three men turned to see who had entered. Mark smiled broadly at them when he saw them, his brown hair windswept and his jacket hanging off him as though he had just run down the street.
“Well I was just about to let you two go home, now I think maybe we should all stick around and marvel at the rare sight of Mark actually inside the shop!” Gary chuckled as Mark came to join them and Jason smiled warmly. Howard gave Mark a mock-salute.
“Hello stranger,” he said brightly. Mark mock-saluted back and nodded.
“Hello...Horace is it? How’s things?” he grinned.
“The name’s Howard actually, and you know, still trying to make this one love me,” Howard joked in reply, giving Jason puppy-dog eyes and getting cuffed lightly around the head for his troubles.
“Trying and failing I see,” Mark laughed and Jason rolled his eyes.
“Hey, you’d swat at him too if you had to put up with his nonsense every day of the week!” he sighed. Mark arched an eyebrow.
“Well you married him!” he pointed out. Jason simply shook his head and threw his arms up in mock despair as Howard laughed smugly into his magazine.
“So everyone keeps reminding me,” Jason lamented jokingly.
“You didn’t just marry him, you chose to renew the bloody vows,” Gary put in with a chuckle and Howard turned to look at Jason with twinkling eyes.
“Basket case,” he added with a cheeky nod and Jason pursed his lips a little, blue eyes smiling.
“You’d miss me if I ran away,” he said, his eyes lingering on Howard a moment before he swept his gaze across Gary and Mark to include them in the warning.
“You know I think you two were bickering last time all four of us were in the same place as well...” Mark smiled and Jason shrugged.
“It’s what we have to resort to since we see so much of each other. You and Gaz try running on the same timetable for a bit...you might be surprised what you find,” he told them, exchanging an unreadable glance with Howard. Howard smiled back at him, putting down his magazine and standing up with sudden purpose.
“Leaving?” Gary enquired.
“Well you said something about letting us go early didn’t you? And I do need to be off soon; I have a daughter to deliver to her mother and a husband to wine and dine,” he told Gary with a grin.
“And here was me thinking you married me so you didn’t have to wine me and dine me anymore,” Jason teased gently.
“Go on then, get out of my shop, the pair of you! Can’t be doing with all this bloody flirting!” Gary chuckled.
“Aw, love’s young dream!” Mark chimed in as Jason shrugged on his coat and Howard offered out his hand to him.
“Presuming love’s young dream was middle aged and squabbled a lot,” Gary put in. Jason gestured at them rather rudely, his eyes dancing with warmth as they both smothered their smirks.
“Come on love,” Howard chuckled, tugging Jason gently in the direction of the door.
Once they were out of the shop Jason leant slightly against Howard’s arm and Howard looked down at him in questioning, his blue eyes concerned at Jason’s sudden need for support.
“I don’t want things to change Howard,” he whispered. Howard smiled at him sadly.
“Me neither,” he admitted, squeezing Jason’s hand tightly.
Chapter Three
“If we get mugged, I’m handing you right over,” Jason smiled up at his husband as they walked, breaking the romance of his and Howard’s moonlit stroll. Howard chuckled, though he still kept Jason pulled close, and placed a gentle kiss to his temple. There were flecks of silver in Jason’s bright eyes and his breath formed a circling mist when it hit the cold night air. They wandered along the quiet pathway, taking the long way back to the car so the night could last that little bit longer.
“I don’t blame you; I have car keys, an iPod, a phone, some fancy headphones that cost more than some people’s houses and keys to a pricey apartment full of all manner of other gadgets, all about my person. But I still can’t help but think you’re avoiding the issue,” Howard said at last, his voice soft and gravelly. Jason smiled faintly and Howard gave his hand a kind squeeze.
“I’m a master of avoidance aren’t I?” he mused, looking down at their feet. Howard chuckled and shook his head, pulling him away from the path towards a bench. Jason followed without protest; implicit of a trust that Howard couldn’t help but take pride in. The two of them sat down on the frozen bench and Jason tucked his legs around, fitting himself into Howard’s side.
“You don’t have to talk,” Howard whispered, squeezing Jason tightly, protectively.
“But I will. Just coz it’s you,” Jason replied quietly, playing with the buttons on Howard’s coat and resting his head wearily against his shoulder. Howard rested his own head on top of Jason’s.
“Would it help if I talked first?” he asked and Jason smiled.
“Yes,” he nodded slowly and Howard sighed thoughtfully. A long pause elapsed, Jason still playing with the buttons, Howard watching him, his arm firm around his shoulders, a defensive message to the rest of the world.
“I’m happy,” Howard told Jason at last and, to his relief, Jason looked up at him with understanding.
“Go on,” he murmured and the corner of Howard’s lips twitched up.
“I’m happy. I’m happier than all the other times in my life when I thought I was happy. I’m that sort of happy where I’m prepared to say that I’m done now. All I want to do now is be able to stop, enjoy it, watch Grace grow up and just...be,” Howard replied quietly. Jason’s eyes shone in the dim light.
“The job, the home, the husband, the life,” he agreed, his voice so soft it barely formed mist.
“Exactly. And going to London would turn half of that stuff upside-down,” Howard shrugged. Jason pushed himself up enough to give Howard’s cheek a small kiss.
“The job would go and the home might have to...but the husband wouldn’t, I promise,” he smiled gently and Howard looked down at him, his arm tightening further around Jason’s shoulders.
“Ah but I would have to share him. And you want to know something really stupid? I think that’s actually the part I’d hate the most,” he said honestly, Jason’s eyes looking up at him unblinkingly.
“You’re such a caveman,” Jason teased, a tender smile on his lips and no trace of disapproval in his eyes. Howard let out a low chuckle and shrugged.
“Maybe I am...maybe that’s my trouble,” he sighed, chewing his lip and looking away. Jason stared at him for an age after that, silent and thoughtful. Wordlessly he reached his hand up to Howard’s cheek, gently turning his face to look back at him and then kissing him. The kiss was slow but loving and Howard pulled Jason so close that he was almost on his lap by the end. Jason’s hands were now buried in his hair and as he pulled back he wrapped his fingers in the dark curls.
“You’re perfect,” he said simply, leaning back just enough to look into Howard’s eyes.
“Your turn,” Howard replied with a grin. Jason laughed softly, settling himself back against Howard’s shoulder and taking a deep breath.
“So let’s review shall we?” he said, his voice a little shaky. Howard nodded.
“Take it away,” he agreed.
“We’ve got this life for ourselves all sorted, just right, we’re both happy...and something amazing happens to us and we’re such stuffy gits we can’t just be excited about it like normal people,” Jason stated, a small frown touching his forehead. Howard smiled.
“Is it? Amazing I mean...” he asked distantly. Jason shrugged.
“A record deal? There are a lot of people out there who’d kill for one. And Gaz and Mark...they’ve both battled for this...” he sighed, his voice devoid of enthusiasm.
“But I’ve battled for us,” Howard pointed out. Jason smiled at that, his eyes suddenly dancing with life. Howard loved the way he could make Jason’s eyes dance. He was sure it was his only truly special talent.
“We both have,” Jason whispered at last with a slight incline of his head.
“But what about you, what do you want?” Howard pressed.
“You know what I want Howard and you know it’s not any bloody trips to London to negotiate a deal for fame and fortune. What I want is tea and biscuits with you on the stairs before work. I want arguing about what to watch on Saturday nights in. I want windows that always have at least one smudge on them for me to clean off. I want to get woken up at ungodly hours of the night coz you’ve only just knocked off work. And I want to go to Sunday lunches where you help my entire family take the piss for an afternoon. But I want my two best mates to be there too...” Jason explained, chewing the inside of his cheek and looking down at his hands. Howard kissed his temple soothingly.
“Gaz already knows more or less...he’d understand...” he tried.
“But Howard he’s my best mate, I’m supposed to tell him to follow his dreams, not stand in the way of them,” Jason groaned, closing his eyes, and Howard knew that was the end of it. Truth be told he felt the same way. He just couldn’t help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, Gary wasn’t actually chasing the right dream. He squeezed Jason once more, planting a kiss into his hair.
The two fell into a resigned silence. Jason buried his face in Howard’s coat and Howard looked down at him, his eyes fierce and protective, his heartbeat faltering and nervous. He’d known what Jason was thinking really, of course he had. It was his responsibility to understand Jason in a way no one else could ever hope to and it was a responsibility he took very seriously. But both he and Jason could feel a little bit of weight had been lifted from their shoulders by stating more clearly exactly where they stood.
“Where will be we this time next week I wonder...” Howard mumbled at last. Jason smiled sadly and looked up into Howard’s face. He kissed his cheek once then looked quietly into his eyes.
“With each other,” he replied with conviction. And Howard couldn’t help but smile, because he knew that that much, at least, would be true.
***
Mark sat alone in the lounge, tucked up tightly on the small window ledge so he could overlook the street below. The wind was whispering between the buildings and a cat was chasing a leaf up and down the pavement whilst the street lamp at the end of the road flashed on and off. Not that Mark was taking any of it in, his mind was drifting about somewhere in his past. In his hand he held his phone and he stroked his thumb over it, thoughtful and absent all at once. He had a little card burning a hole in his coat pocket, the number scribbled across it in cagey handwriting. But luckily his coat was over the back of one the chairs in the kitchen, far too far away from his current perch to be raided. Besides, it was a stupid time of night to phone someone. Who was up at this time except criminals, worriers and insomniacs? In other words; half the world. But who was up and willing to talk? That was a different question entirely. And then Mark frowned. He could be slow sometimes, he mused, instantly turning his attention to his mobile and scrolling down the contacts. He was friends with England’s leading Wordsmith and part-time Night Owl. Jason would talk to him.
Jason’s phone vibrated against the kitchen worktop, drawing Howard and Jason’s attention to it instantly. Jason pulled a face and, throwing the tea-towel he was holding over his shoulder, he reached over to scoop the mobile up, keeping one hand on the cupboard door as he attempted to get his and Howard’s mugs out. From his place on the sofa Howard smiled affectionately at his husband’s multitasking, watching as Jason picked up the phone and trapped it between his ear and his shoulder then effortlessly spun around and grabbed the kettle, seemingly in a single move. Jason could be at ten places at once if need be, Howard thought with smirk.
“Hello?” Jason asked, shooting Howard a smile as he caught him watching. Howard winked back and Jason had to turn back to the tea so as not to get distracted.
“I haven’t woken you up have I Jay?” Mark asked quickly and Jason chuckled kindly.
“No one ever does Mark,” he joked, carefully pouring out the hot water from the kettle.
“I just...wanted to talk is all...couldn’t sleep...you know the stuff,” Mark swallowed, suddenly not sure he’d made the right choice. Would Jason guess what was going through his head? Jason did have a habit of reading people quite well. But even he couldn’t be that good, could he?
“Oh I see, hardly speak to me in weeks and then when insomnia strikes...” Jason teased and Mark laughed despite himself. Jason was so warm, so ready to take his mind off things.
“So is that a yes to letting me ask you something then?” he grinned and Jason laughed.
“Yes, Markie,” he assured him as he picked up the two mugs of tea and made his way over to the sofa.
Howard’s eyes took Jason in appreciatively as he neared. He was dressed in an old pair of tracksuit bottoms, that clung loosely to his hips, and one of Howard’s hoodies, which swamped his narrow frame. Jason handed him a mug and then moved to settle himself next to Howard on the sofa.
“Have I ever mentioned you are gorgeous when you don’t try to be?” Howard asked huskily, leaning over and pressing a kiss into the crook of Jason’s neck. Jason elbowed him off as best he could without spilling the tea, though there was an affectionate smile lingering in his eyes.
“Oh God, is Howard there?! I’m sorry...I should...” Mark was babbling down the line and Jason rolled his eyes and chuckled.
“It’s fine Mark, honestly. Believe it or not my husband is capable of keeping his hands to himself for half an hour...maybe...” Jason shot back and Howard grinned unashamedly at Jason before taking a sip of his tea and settling in to listen to Jason’s half of the phone call.
Just as Mark was about to give in and seek Jason’s help, he became aware of someone shuffling into the lounge and he turned to see Gary standing a little way behind him, his pyjamas crumpled and his hair sticking up at awkward angles. He was rubbing his eyes and looking perplexed.
“You still up? I heard something...thought it was a very laid back burglar...then I noticed you weren’t in the bed,” Gary mumbled through a yawn and Mark could see a trace of a smile in his sleepy eyes.
“Sorry...just wasn’t feeling tired,” Mark told him and Gary nodded.
“Who you on the phone to?” he frowned and Mark bit his lip.
“Jay,” he said quietly. Gary raised his eyebrows, stifling another yawn.
“What you calling him for? Something up?” he asked. His obvious concern touched Mark, but he still knew he couldn’t tell the truth.
“No, no...he called me actually,” he bluffed, hoping Gary wouldn’t question why Jason was phoning.
“Did I now?!” Mark heard Jason remark in mild surprise down the line, but Gary, at least, seemed appeased and he nodded vaguely.
“Ok. Well, come to bed soon,” he yawned, turning and waving his hand hazily as he headed back towards the bedroom.
“Will do,” Mark nodded before turning back to his phone. Jason arched an eyebrow.
“Is there any reason you’re lying to Gary about calling me?” he questioned Mark, though to Mark’s relief he sounded concerned more than anything.
“You pair better not be having an affair!” Mark heard Howard’s playful warning and smirked.
“Shut it Donald!” Jason shot back with a warm smile, casting Howard a sidelong glance. Howard pulled his best innocent face and Jason gave him a small kick. Mark could hear their tussle continuing and he smiled, rolling his eyes.
“Concentrate Orange!” he joked and Jason laughed.
“Sorry...so come on, why are you lying to Gaz?” he prompted. Mark let out a long sigh.
“Don’t worry, it’s nothing awful. I’ve already talked to Gaz and...I just don’t want to make him think I ignore what he has to say,” he lied awkwardly.
“Fair enough...so come on Owen, I’m listening,” Jason replied softly and Mark suddenly felt very guilty for not being honest with him. He was prepared to overlook pretty much anything as long as he could understand the reason for it, surely Mark could trust him not to judge?
Jason kept one eye on Howard as he waited for Mark to open up, watching cautiously as his husband put down his mug of tea and crept closer to him on the sofa. Howard’s arms were around his middle before his brain could even begin to protest and as he felt Howard’s steady breath on the back of his neck he knew that resistance was not an option. Howard smiled and began to place kisses to the back of Jason’s neck at regular intervals. Jason’s eyes glimmered at him quietly as he sipped his tea.
“Have you ever...do you...well...have...have you ever wondered, just for a little while, how your life could have turned out if you’d ended up with someone else?” Mark stammered at last. Jason frowned, leaning back in Howard’s embrace and trying to think what Mark was getting at.
“Why would I be doing that?” he wondered aloud and Howard, who was now close enough to hear both sides of the conversation, couldn’t hide his rather smug grin.
“I don’t know I just...I mean...what if...what if things had worked out differently between you and your last really properly serious boyfriend? Like um...what’s his name...Ryan?” Mark tried. Jason thought a moment. He thought of Ryan. Charming Ryan with his delicate, girlish face, his slanty cat-eyes and his big glasses. Willowy, graceful Ryan, a giddy Southerner left mildly perplexed by almost all Northerners he came across. He couldn’t be more different from Howard in any way – though the two had gotten along frighteningly well on the rare occasions when they had met. Ryan was lovely and Jason was still fond of him, but there was no wondering what life would be like if they were still together. They wouldn’t be. It was as simple as that.
“I’ve never thought about it for one minute actually...me and Ryan working out was never going to be on the cards. Our relationship ran its course, it was nice but...the place I am now it just...it doesn’t compare,” Jason shrugged, smiling as Howard kissed his temple lovingly.
Mark mulled over what Jason had said, chewing the inside of his mouth. There hadn’t even been the tiniest note of longing in Jason’s voice as he’d said Ryan’s name, no sense of a story unfinished, not even a moment of intrigue. Jason knew, with confidence, that that string had been cut. But then, wasn’t that the exact same thing Mark had thought? What’s done is done and all that. He’d known, with a certainty so resolute it had burnt the back of his throat, that his life ran its course for a reason, every meander had a purpose. After all, losing his job had led him to Oldham Street, and look at what that had taken him to.
“Not a flicker?” he found his voice working without his permission.
“Mark, what are we talking about here?” Jason asked him and Mark winced. Of course Jason would suspect something. Mark pulled a face and closed his eyes, tipping his head back.
“It’s just something stupid Jay, don’t worry y’self. It’s just... an old mate it ended badly with, a friend. And I’ve found out what he’s up to now and it’s made me wonder if losing a best friend is ever a good thing,” he mumbled. Jason was quiet for a long time after that.
“Why didn’t you ask that to begin with?” he said slowly. Mark shrugged.
“Guess it’s all left me a bit muddled, that’s all,” he said, rubbing his forehead tiredly. Jason was unconvinced but he didn’t see the use of dragging it out. Mark would talk to Gary if something was really upsetting him after all.
“Maybe you should sleep on it Markie, you sound exhausted,” he said softly and Mark nodded.
“Yeah. You’re right. Thanks Jay,” he replied.
“G’night Mark,” Jason told him, firmly but gently, and with that the two hung up.
Jason sighed as he put down the phone and his mug on the arm of the sofa, turning himself around in Howard’s embrace and cupping his face in his hands. Howard smiled at him quietly, their eyes locked in a twinkling exchange. Wordlessly he pressed a single, chaste kiss to Howard’s lips.
“Not a flicker?” Howard whispered, his voice low and his eyes proud. Jason laughed softly.
“Stop fishing for compliments Donald,” he told him, wrapping his arms around Howard’s neck and holding him close. Howard grinned, falling back against the cushions so that Jason was lying on his chest. Jason pressed a kiss to Howard’s chin.
“You’re gorgeous,” Howard told him softly, cupping Jason’s face in his hands in an echo of Jason’s earlier gesture. Jason’s eyes were starry with love.
“If you insist,” he replied quietly, a playful smile on his lips. Howard grinned.
“Come to bed with me?” Howard shot back, a roguish look in his eyes. Jason’s smile widened and Howard saw that same lightness dancing in his face too.
“If you insist,” Jason repeated huskily.
Chapter Four
From across the station floor, they were both still turned slightly towards each other. It was subtle. A little turn of the shoulders, slight angling of the chest, a point of the foot. The only reason Gary even noticed it was because it set them at a slight but constant contrast to the bustle of commuters all around them. Jason was stood with his arms folded protectively across his chest, had been ever since Howard’s arms had reluctantly parted from around him, and he watched the crowds with startled blue eyes. He almost seemed perplexed, his eyes fixing each new stranger who passed them with a lost sort of scrutiny. It was a trait of Jason’s to be left befuddled by the fast pace the world seemed to move at and, looking at the heaving station, Gary himself felt a moment of confusion. Even Mark seemed to be hesitant. As sunny as the man’s disposition could be, Gary knew he found something rather lonely about the nameless crowd, and Mark didn’t deal with loneliness that well. Gary let out a long sigh, glancing over at where Howard was getting their coffees for them, his head tipped in Jason’s direction, his phone pressed to his ear.
“We need that gig,” Jason said, suddenly, softly. Gary carried on watching Howard.
“Why?” Mark asked and Jason bit his lip, glancing at the floor.
“Because we need to eat, coz he has a daughter we’re expected to clothe, cars to fuel, bills to pay. Sorry Mark but we’re incurably dull. And we need that money,” Jason shrugged.
“But if he doesn’t do the gig coz we’re...” Mark began, stopping suddenly and catching himself. Gary almost sighed in relief at Mark’s sudden attack of tact, though the corner of Jason’s lips twitched up. Fond and sad, Gary thought.
“My husband has dreams too Markie...and, as much as he hates the travelling, he loves what he does,” Jason told Mark very softly, he gaze flicking briefly to Mark before returning to his husband. Mark looked a little guilty at that and he shoved his hands in his pockets, looking down at the floor.
“He doesn’t mind does he?” Gary asked, watching Howard pleading and bargaining.
“Howard rarely minds much at all,” Jason replied vaguely.
“That doesn’t really answer the question,” Gary pointed out. Jason seemed reluctant to reply at first and his eyes glittered so anxiously that Howard turned, his gaze meeting Jason’s from beyond the flurry of briefcases and high-heels that traversed the space between them. Jason looked at Gary and gave him a kind smile, reassuringly genuine and disconcertingly distant.
“Gaz, if you know that that doesn’t really answer the question, then I think you know what the real answer would be,” he shrugged. Mark frowned at that.
“So he does mind?” he questioned, his eyes almost hazel with guilt.
“Look, Howard and me are grown men, we can make decisions of our own free will. I’m certain if Howard and I had chosen to stay home today that our lives would still be...exactly what we want them to be. If you two had stayed home? You don’t make me feel like you’d be ok. And you’re our friends. This won’t kill us, so please don’t feel guilty on our account, ok?” Jason sighed. Gary and Mark looked at him for a moment, caught between alarm and gratitude. Should they worry that they were both so sure they needed something more to life when Jason and Howard were so sure that they didn’t? Or should they just throw their arms around Jason and Howard and thank them a million times for understanding?
Howard was making his way back now, dodging the crowds, making a course for Jason without realising. He came to stand with Jason, handed Mark a hot chocolate and Gary one of the two coffees, before taking a grateful sip of his own drink. Gary and Mark nodded their thanks, pretending not to listen as Howard bent slightly to talk into Jason’s ear.
“They’ll only change it to the Friday after, nothing later, I’m so sorry love, I tried...I’ll cancel now if you...” he whispered gently, one hand resting at the nape of Jason’s neck, his fingers playing briefly with strands of his hair. Jason’s head was turned towards him thoughtfully, his smile more understanding than disappointed.
“Don’t be daft, of course it’s fine. My mum has had to put up with years of me turning up on my own, it’s normal. Just remember to text me when you get in, ok?” he assured Howard quietly. Howard smiled and kissed Jason’s temple.
“I’ll be texting you every ten fucking seconds,” he groaned and Jason laughed.
“It’s Scotland, not the moon,” he replied, looking up into Howard’s face with eyes that betrayed the false confidence of his voice.
The station announcer cut the mood, calling out the arrival of their train on some distant platform. Gary was glad of her interruption. The fear and anticipation that had been allowed to build up this morning was beginning to overwhelm him. This beautiful adventure he had always been so utterly convinced would fix his life was suddenly raising more questions than answers, but he was too caught up in the whirlwind to know if that was a bad thing. Mark’s hand tugging on his own as the four of them walked briskly through the station was, strangely, not the firm anchor he needed it to be and Gary found Mark’s fingers as unfamiliar as they were uncertain. Howard and Jason’s hands weren’t clasped, though their footsteps matched; every heartbeat of emotion that today caused them was shared, though not necessarily shared out loud it was still somehow known, Gary realised. He and Mark felt the need to clutch at each other frantically, make banal chatter about excitement just to calm the nerves. Mark had tried on six outfits before they’d left the house. Gary had repacked his suitcase three times. The different pattern their relationship seemed to be running on suddenly hit him as he saw Howard glance briefly over his shoulder to confirm Jason’s presence before looking back up at the signs above. Jason was there, as he had known he would be. Mark’s fingers gripped Gary’s hand a little tighter then.
“Manchester Piccadilly to London Euston,” he grinned, eyes alight.
“London is a baffling place,” Jason murmured, seemingly for little reason at all. Howard gave him a small smile before taking his suitcase for him and Jason smiled back, fishing out the tickets from his coat pocket. Gary took out his and Mark’s tickets, Mark’s hand still tight around his own.
“Ah, the big city,” he said to no one in particular, trying to juggle his coffee, his suitcase and the tickets as they made their way along the platform towards their train.
“Here goes nothing,” Howard muttered softly into Jason’s ear.
***
Their B&B was a strange building that, from the inside, felt like it was leaning forwards slightly, as if trying to peek down to the end of its quiet street. It was not the most glamorous place to stay; the furniture came from a decade best forgotten, the bare floorboards creaked and the radiators spent more time gurgling than they did heating. But Mark wasn’t about to complain, he could handle unglamorous. Truth be told he’d stopped noticing his surroundings entirely at some point over the past year. He hardly noticed a thing, didn’t have time to. He didn’t like to notice things, because, when he did, it’d start to get him down. No. He would far rather keep moving, make sure he always had something to focus on, delight himself with a distraction rather than solve the problem at hand. Maybe that was where he’d gone wrong in life, he thought with a sigh as he pulled himself up onto the freezing windowsill and peeked out at the street. He chewed his lip, his tired blue-green eyes scanning the rain-spattered street below him. A swirl of crumpled leaves blustered over from the park across the way and Mark pulled his face back from the window slightly, troubled by the restless view. It reminded him too much of his own flaws. So restless that he’d created a life for himself where the sheer number of distractions left him so confused that he couldn’t tell the difference between what he really needed and what he just passed the time with.
The sound of the door opening shook Mark slightly and his head jerked up, his eyes glowing and defensive. Gary didn’t look him in the eye as he came into the room.
“Jonathan’s going to meet us at that pub you suggested,” he sighed, lowering himself onto the creaking bed and lying down. Mark watched him watching the ceiling, apprehensive and faint.
“Oh?” he replied in a small voice. Gary didn’t notice the wavering note in Mark’s tone.
“Mm. He didn’t know the place but he says it’s as good a place as any,” Gary nodded and Mark looked back out of the window. The leaves below swept up viciously and he closed his eyes, trying to still his heartbeat and swallow whichever emotion it was that was trying to fight its way to the surface. He was sure the building was straining closer and closer to the street.
“Surprised he doesn’t know it,” he said. He didn’t know why he said it. To fill space. To deflect attention. Anything to avoid That Conversation.
“Don’t make much difference to me Marko, as long as they do good grub,” Gary smiled tiredly, patting his stomach. Mark smiled with distant affection and tilted his head to one side, his hair falling in his eyes as he did so.
“You always say that Gaz, and I still haven’t seen you ever turn down pub grub,” he pointed out. Gary shrugged, shaking his head.
“What can I say – you must just have good taste,” he suggested with a smile. Mark looked at the floor, then the wall, then his hands and then back at Gary.
“Do I?” he asked. He hadn’t realised he’d said it aloud until he noticed the confusion on Gary’s face.
“Do you what?” Gary prompted when Mark avoided his gaze.
“Have good taste,” Mark muttered, pulling his knees even closer to his chest.
“You never seem to have doubted it before,” Gary chuckled gently and Mark smiled a weak sort of a smile. He stared at his shoes, feeling trapped between the accusation of the wind and the insight of Gary’s blue eyes.
“No. No, I suppose I didn’t,” Mark agreed after a pause. Gary’s eyebrows knitted together in concern and he sat up, edging across the bed. Mark was hardly away of his own movement until he realised he could now feel the cold of the glass through his jacket.
“Mark are you ok? Since we got here you’ve been so quiet...” Gary said gently. Don’t be nice to me, Mark cried out in his head.
“Just nervous. Ignore me, I’m being a killjoy,” he dismissed and Gary sat back a little on the bed.
“Have you ever seen four more glum people in your life?” he said with a wry smile.
“Stupid, isn’t it?” Mark agreed, risking a small glance at Gary. Their eyes didn’t meet and a part of him was glad of that.
As silence fell, Mark thought over it a little more. Surprisingly it was Howard and Jason who were the happier this morning. For all Jason’s staring into space, he’d managed to raise the odd smile, banter a little. And Howard hadn’t grumbled about anything; he’d gone to the shop for them all on the train, taken charge of the ticket machine, sorted their taxi and even checked them into the B&B. The whole time Jason and Howard had been looking after Mark and Gary like they were two kids on a school trip and it was only now that Mark processed it. He didn’t deserve them. He tried to tell himself they were only doing it for Gary but he knew that wasn’t true. They were doing it for both of them and he knew it, he did. And yet still he couldn’t bear to just...stop. He couldn’t face the idea of hitting the panic button, pulling the breaks, bolting down the fire escape. Because the minute he did that there would be so much work to do. So much reassessing to make. One reassessment in particular. One reassessment that he couldn’t help but feel was about to confront him. Not that he could complain, it was a collision he had engineered. But curiosity had gotten the better of him. And for some reason, when that information had landed at his door, all his many distractions had become so...inadequate.
God he could make a mess if you let him.
***
“Do you think we might have been wrong about this?” Jason asked softly. Howard looked up at his husband, who was stood by the window, arms folded, eyes gazing with disinterest at the houses across the street. He frowned, pushing himself up off the bed and coming to stand behind Jason, wrapping his arms tightly around his husband’s middle and pulling him close.
“Wrong?” he asked vaguely as he pressed a kiss into the crook of Jason’s neck. Jason laughed slightly, rolling his eyes.
“Yes, wrong. Now get off me Donald,” he retorted, turning in Howard’s embrace and pressing a lingering kiss to his lips. Howard chuckled, raising an eyebrow.
“Mm, yeah, you’re really convincing me!” he grinned, looking into Jason’s eyes. Jason smiled up at him and shrugged and Howard proceeded to press more kisses to his skin.
“You really need to learn to keep your hands to yourself,” Jason laughed, leaning back from Howard’s kisses and placing both his hands on Howard’s cheeks. They froze that way a moment, Howard’s eyes glittering and wild, Jason’s smile loving but reserved. Howard kissed Jason’s nose, then his cheek, then once more brought their lips together, pulling Jason close to him and drawing out the kiss. He only let Jason go so as to breathe and, much to Howard’s pleasure, Jason needed a moment to recover.
“What were you saying again?” Howard teased airily, leaning their foreheads together. Jason’s lips quirked up in a rueful smile.
“That you need to put me down. Now,” he warned without moving.
“Oh really, why exactly?” Howard countered.
“Because we’re in front of a window,” Jason told him simply and Howard laughed.
“So?!” he questioned. Jason held his gaze for a while before tipping his head back slightly and nodding in the direction of one of the buildings opposite.
“So: there’s a woman up there watching,” he remarked casually. Howard peered in the direction Jason had indicated. Sure enough a surprised looking woman was stood at the window of one of the houses, her hands resting on the curtains. Howard grinned, she’d opened up her curtains to quite a show. He kissed Jason’s forehead briefly and then stepped out of the embrace. Jason watched him with suspicion and confusion. Howard tapped twice on the window.
“Oi, he’s mine!” he warned the woman with pride before taking Jason into his arms again. Jason looked at him with reprimand and love.
“Can I take you anywhere?!” he sighed, putting his arms around Howard’s neck.
“Ah, but love, you take me everywhere,” Howard reminded him. Jason looked up into Howard’s steady blue eyes and he couldn’t help but notice the pleasure Howard took in saying that, the proud little quirk to his lips as he was allowed to steak his claim so easily.
“What are you looking so smug about?” Jason asked, though really he had little need to. Howard’s grin broadened further.
“The fact that you let me make you mine,” he shrugged with honestly. Jason smiled at him.
“Resistance would be futile, trust me,” he murmured.
Howard tugged Jason gently, pulling them both to the edge of the bed. He sat down, flopping backwards and staring up at the ceiling, waiting for Jason to settling himself at his side. Jason’s slim figure fitted perfectly against him and in moments Jason’s head was nuzzled in the crook of his neck. Howard could feel his eyelashes brush his skin and it made him smile. He kissed the top of Jason’s head and Jason pressed himself even closer to Howard’s side.
“Wrong about what, love?” Howard asked quietly, squeezing Jason tightly. Jason smiled, impressed.
“About Mark and Gary, about this being good for them...something’s been bugging me, ever since Mark called the other night, all that stuff about relationships ending differently and...” Jason stopped himself, frowning and then burying his face in Howard’s neck once more.
“You think something’s up with him and Gary that they’re not saying?” Howard asked. Jason pulled a face. He wasn’t sure if that was what he thought. He couldn’t put his finger on what he thought exactly, he just knew something wasn’t right and it was driving him mad.
“I don’t know Howard...I mean...you saw them earlier didn’t you? It was weird...I don’t know what it was it just...it didn’t sit right. Do you know what I mean?” he asked. Howard paused a moment.
“I think I do...actually, it’s sort of...what they do now. Disconnect, that is. Or Mark does anyway. If I didn’t know him better I’d say he’d been avoiding us,” Howard agreed slowly. Jason nodded.
“I think maybe he has been...he doesn’t like confronting things, you know? He likes to let life run its course, sort itself out,” he sighed.
“So what do we do about it? I mean...we’re here now...” Howard began.
“And it’s still so important to Gaz...” Jason put in. Howard bit his lip.
“As important to him as Mark?” he asked. Jason pushed himself up slightly, propping himself up on his elbow and looking into Howard’s quiet eyes.
“Howard that’s an impossible question. What’s more important to you; becoming a successful DJ and producer...or me?” he asked him and Howard didn’t even blink.
“You. You...you...still you...” he replied and Jason smiled fondly, kissing Howard’s lips to shut him up.
“Thank you,” he whispered.
“It’s not even a question Jay,” Howard frowned.
“I guess it’s just all more complicated for Gaz. Music is a part of who he is...and I know it’s the same for you but...but you didn’t get the same knock-backs Gaz did, you don’t feel you have anything to prove. He does,” Jason explained. Howard nodded and they both fell silent for a moment.
“So what do we do then?” Howard asked at last.
“I wish I knew,” Jason groaned, falling back against Howard’s chest.
“Jay,” Howard said after a while, his thumb stroking Jason’s arm absently.
“Mm,” Jason replied, not opening his eyes for fear of letting anything other than Howard’s presence back into his consciousness.
“Have you noticed how much better things get when we just lie like this?” Howard asked him. Jason smiled against his neck. Howard felt his eyelashes brushing his skin again. It was a small privilege of their intimacy that allowed him the sensation but he cherished it nonetheless.
“Why else do you think I haven’t moved?” Jason replied and Howard shifted enough to kiss his forehead and lie back.
“We could just stay here...” Howard began. But the moment was, of course, shattered.
Jason grimaced as he heard the knock on the door. It was tentative but it was earth-shattering to him. He held Howard a little tighter and Howard, for his part, hardly dared to breath.
“Jay? Howard? You two ready yet? We’ve got to get going,” Mark called through the door. For a moment Jason and Howard continued to lie there, pretending that the world consisted of just them and that bed and nothing more. And then Gary’s voice was heard.
“Come on lads I’m starving,” he grumbled and Jason couldn’t help but chuckle slightly, if a little regretfully. The acknowledgement of the sound broke any illusion they had been holding onto and he and Howard began to prise themselves apart.
“Alright Gaz, we’ll be there in a minute,” Jason called, sitting up. Howard stayed lying down a moment, gazing up at Jason with a gentle smile.
“You want to know something?” he asked quietly. Jason narrowed his eyes slightly, detecting something glinting in those mischievous blue eyes.
“What?” he asked and Howard grinned, sitting up and cupping Jason’s cheek in his hand.
“You’re still...all...mine...” he told Jason firmly, placing a kiss to his neck, then his cheek and then finally bringing their lips together. Jason smiled and let himself be pulled in, the kiss drawing out and drowning out the outside world. Well, drowning it out until another knock on the door told them it was time to go.
Chapter Five
“I don’t know...he just doesn’t seem like your type!” Gary was frowning slightly as he spoke, Howard chuckling at him. Mark glanced back at their discussion with a look of intrigue and confusion.
“You really think I have a type? I nearly married Vicky you know,” Howard grinned.
“That was different! Anyway, I guess I just meant...he’s not very much like Jay is he!” Gary sighed, shrugging slightly. Howard simply smiled, casting a brief glance over at his husband, who was striding several paces ahead of himself and Gary with Mark at his side.
“No, I guess he isn’t. But then what man would write down ‘complex, neurotic OCD sufferer with trouble sleeping and a cupboard full of herbal tea’?! Just coz I fell for all that stuff, doesn’t mean I spent my whole life looking for it,” he replied. Mark didn’t pay attention to Gary’s reply, turning to look at Jason instead, falling into step by his side.
“What are they talking about?” he asked in confusion. Jason looked back at them briefly then turned back to look at Mark, an amused smile dancing across his face.
“Trevor. One of Howard’s most significant exes. We ran into him the other day when we went for drinks with Gaz at that new pub near the Palace Theatre – you’d know if you’d actually shown up,” he told Mark softly and Mark felt sure Jason had picked up on his avoidance tactics.
“Wasn’t that a bit...awkward though?” Mark pressed, ignoring Jason’s hint and quickening his pace.
“Awkward how exactly?” Jason frowned, quirking his eyebrows in enquiry.
“Being in the middle of that reunion...” Mark replied. Jason laughed and shook his head.
“Not particularly; Howard married me, after all. That kind of implies any attachment to Trevor is long gone. Or at least it better be, coz if it’s not then I’m sure as hell not cooking for him and his appetite anymore,” he grinned and Mark smiled at that, because he knew it wasn’t true; Jason was compelled to look after Howard no matter what he did, it was just a fact.
“But part of him must have been wanting to compare...you know, like, see what the different ending to his story might have been if things had worked out,” he suggested. He could see from the searching look in Jason’s eyes that he had said too much. Jason was even more certain that something was wrong now. But, Jason being Jason, he didn’t rush to get an answer, he just fixed Mark with a piercing blue stare then turned his attention to the question.
“To clutter up your mind by thinking that there are fifty different people out there who you could have loved is a disservice to the person who loves you,” he murmured. Mark swallowed hard, wondering how aware Jason was of the closeness with which those words hit him.
“But it’s all so random – one footstep can change your whole life. One unanswered question and who knows where you’ll end up,” Mark half-whispered. He wanted to stop talking, his mind was screeching at him to shut up. But his mouth kept going. Jason’s eyes were bright as his listened.
“Just think about it though Markie. Love is when the different ending looks like hell, you realise that misplaced footstep took you out of the path of an oncoming bus and you’ve forgotten the question so no one need ever answer it. I’d feel like Howard was betraying me somehow if he was still concerned with questions raised by someone other than me. It’d be like him telling me he wasn’t certain of loving me...maybe worse than that. Maybe it’d be like him telling me he wasn’t certain of me loving him...” Jason’s look was distantly thoughtful and for a moment Mark thought that he had become so lost in his own contemplation that he had forgotten his previous suspicion.
“Howard never would,” Mark mumbled into his scarf. He regretted opening his mouth. Jason was looking at him, realisation stirring in his blue eyes.
“Mark – who’s in London that you need answers from?” he asked steadily. Mark blinked, scared and uncertain if he should answer.
It was Gary who saved him. And Mark found a certain amount of irony in that.
“How far is this bloody pub?!” his voice was booming in the cold air but Jason didn’t flinch. He was still looking at Mark in that questioning way Mark so feared. Gary didn’t seem to notice but Howard did instantly and he looked between Mark and Jason for a moment before quickening his pace a little to catch up with Jason.
“If you weren’t such a slow-coach we’d be there by now,” Mark teased thin-voiced, dropping back to walk with Gary as his eyes flicked nervously across to Howard who was whispering an enquiry in Jason’s ear. Mark couldn’t hear what Jason murmured back and that made Mark worry even more. Jason was sharp, it wouldn’t take him long to figure it out.
“How’d you know this place anyway – this isn’t the glitzy end of London that you’re so in awe of, this is the end of London you pretend doesn’t exist,” Gary was smiling as he spoke and Mark felt the need to smile back at him, though his heart rate quickened.
“Oh you know...friends...” he said. It wasn’t a lie. A friend had told him about the pub. Well, less about the pub itself maybe.
“Friends with good taste I hope!” Gary beamed, his eyes jovial and bright and everything Mark loved so much to see in Gary’s face. And yet even that wasn’t enough to fight off the confusion that was rapidly engulfing him. The thought of every footstep taking him closer to that world, those answers he never got...that man he never got.
Perhaps he was just built differently to Jason, perhaps the way he loved was different. Because he couldn’t help but be hung-up on the questions, couldn’t help but feel a need to know. And yet he could still feel that guilty voice in the back of his mind, repeating Jason’s words. It was a sort of betrayal after all. His head was spinning so fast that he was hardly aware of Gary’s gentle peck on his cheek. Gary, for his part, didn’t seem aware of Mark’s distance and he whistled a tune to himself as though the world was that uncomplicated. Mark used to smile when Gary did that. Maybe he still would be smiling if that tiny scrap of information had never landed in his lap. Or maybe he would always have ended up this overwhelmed, after all, they say that’s what happens when you put off life and promise to deal with it another day. Things pile up. Get worse. Get messier. He could see the turning for the road they needed and he winced. In front of him Jason and Howard, walking in step with each other, their conversation clearly lighter in tone than it had been. Howard invested a lot of his energy to keeping Jason’s mind from sending him insane. But Mark still felt sure Jason was still turning things over in his head. The question was; would the car crash Mark had engineered hit before Jason figured it out?
***
The Drunken Duck was a faded green and threadbare gold establishment which had yet to be notified of London’s transformation into a sleek, modern city. Dark wood and low ceilings edged out any daylight and yet there was still an inviting sort of a life about the place. A widescreen television was hanging on the back wall, looking absurd but drawing in the punters. Overenthusiastic men waving pints were lecturing a manager on how to approach a London derby, though from the look of their guts Mark suspected their football skills to be minimal. Away from the television a couple sat, huddled over a plate of chips, trying to discuss whether to see a play or a musical that night. Another man sat alone reading his paper, trying to make his pint last out ‘til the back page. There was something very English about the whole scene. And something very disorientating about its warmth. Mark had half-imagined the place to be more frightening to him, more daunting. Perhaps a small part of him had hoped the place would be awful – what a reassurance it would have been if he could have smiled and nodded and known he had the better life.
The panic finally arrived as he turned to the bar. More dark wood, more faded green, a small collection of empty pint glasses and a broad, muscular pair of arms leaning heavily on top of it. Mark stopped, his mouth open ever-so-slightly. Jason was the next to turn around. Mark would have winced if he’d seen the way his jaw set firmly. Howard prickled as he felt Jason tense and he looked across, suddenly gripping Jason a little tighter, an instinctive need to keep him safe kicking in. Gary was the last to turn. Casual enquiry was the look that touched his face first. And then his eyes focused. He studied the man at the bar and he stopped breathing. Mark almost stumbled as he felt the waves of hurt tumbling from Gary and knocking into him. But still he couldn’t look away from the man at the bar. Tall and rebellious as ever, but healthier than Mark had ever known him. His heart leapt against his ribs as he waited to see those eyes.
Jason and Howard were both looking at Mark and Gary. But Mark and Gary were locked, focused on one point alone. It seemed like an age before the man shifted, pushing himself up lazily from the paper he’d been feigning interest in and yawning slowly. Mark almost took a step towards him. And then the man looked up. The look of realisation was slow and shocked. Mark found he was suddenly unable to form words, let alone sentences. Gary seemed similarly afflicted. Everyone, not least the barman himself, seemed surprised when he was the first to speak.
“M...Markie?” he uttered. And Mark was sure he heard Gary’s heart buckle from the strain.
Chapter Six
His shoulders were broad and his eyes cloudy, the sleeves of his t-shirt were frayed as if he’d cut them off himself. In the dull roar of the pub his frame looked brutish and, somewhere in Mark’s memories of him, he knew that, at times, he could be that way. His arms were decorated with more tattoos than when he and Mark had been together, reminding Mark of that unruly streak that had both fascinated and scared him for all those years. He remembered sitting alone that night waiting for him to come home. He hadn’t, not that Mark knew why he hadn’t. Their relationship had been boisterous, turbulent and unkind, but every shouting match had been balanced by a tenderness, an understanding, a boyish mischief. There’d always been a lot of laughter. It was a forgotten aspect of their romance that Mark could only read now that that laughter-lined face was in front of him again. The more he stared the more it all got muddled up in his mind. The danger the laughter. The laugher the danger. The tears. The tears. The tears. God there were a lot of tears. The danger had intrigued him if anything. There was an excitement in it. It was something he had thought he had grown out of; after all, it was Gary’s safety he had fallen in love with. And yet here he was now, getting lost in it all over again. It was strange – Mark was not the younger of the two and yet it had always been him playing the innocent, him being the tagalong. Except for that one night when Mark hadn’t tagged along, that one night when he’d never come back.
“Rob...” Mark breathed at last. Gary was biting his lip, his face red and his eyes damp.
It was Howard who broke the tension, as was his way.
“If he drops another fucking cupboard on you then I will kill him,” he muttered and Jason smiled slightly, looking up at his husband with soft blue eyes.
“A very fair and measured response, love. I’ll be sure to visit you in prison,” he replied, pressing a kiss to Howard’s cheek. Howard smiled back but his grip on Jason’s shoulder didn’t loosen.
“I uh...I...” Robbie stammered and for the briefest of moments Jason pitied him. Mark had put him in a position he hadn’t been prepared for. But then he looked across at Gary and he felt a flash of anger hit him. It was one thing Mark putting him through this, but Gary definitely didn’t deserve it. Jason sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and leaning gratefully against Howard’s strength. He knew he had to take charge, though he couldn’t say he felt up to the job.
“You get us some drinks, we’ll go and sit over there,” he said, fixing Robbie with his piercing eyes. Robbie nodded and busied himself with pint glasses, glad of having an excuse to turn away. Mark still watched him, his eyes boring into his back. Gary shook his head and looked at the floor and Jason had to tug lightly on his sleeve to pull him off towards a secluded booth in the corner of the pub. Howard reluctantly let go of his husband in order to place an authoritative hand on Mark’s back and lean down to mutter into his ear.
“Just so you know, Jay would’ve listened if you’d just been honest with him,” he said, both his hands suddenly gripping Mark’s upper arms with gentle firmness as he steered him after Jason and Gary.
“I just...I j...” Mark stammered but Howard cut him off with another quiet reprimand.
“Save it for Gaz mate,” he sighed before pushing Mark into a chair and then settling himself next to Jason, who looked up gratefully at him as he arrived.
Gary didn’t look up as Mark joined them. He was staring at the beer matt in front of him, suddenly fascinated by the Carlsberg logo. On the other side of the pub uproar had erupted as the pub-floor managers jumped professions in order to contest the referee, each one of them more sure than the last that their judgement was infallible. Robbie had vanished from the bar and Jason’s beady eyes scanned the room with concern, because Jason was well aware that Mark had been the victim of that man’s disappearing act once before, and for all his disappointment in Mark’s actions he didn’t want him to feel any more confused than he already did.
“You knew he was here, didn’t you,” Gary said quietly after a while. It was a miracle they heard him over the growing commotion from the football crowd. But then again, perhaps they’d been waiting for his verdict on the situation with such anticipation that they had forgotten their surroundings.
“Gaz...” Mark began but he stopped abruptly when he saw the look in Jason’s eyes. Gary couldn’t look at him, but Jason hadn’t stopped. Mark realised now that Jason was far more understanding than he had given him credit for; if he’d just talked to him, Jason would have listened and advised him without judgement. But he valued honesty highly and Mark’s evasiveness had clearly disappointed him. It hurt to see that look in Jason’s eyes.
“That’s how you knew this place, isn’t it,” Gary was still lost to them, talking mostly to himself.
“I’m sorry,” Mark whispered, his voice threatening to dissolve into tears if he spoke much louder.
“Is this why you haven’t been talking? Why you’ve hardly been around? Coz you were busy wondering what it would be like to see him again? Coz you were busy...busy wondering what it would be like if you were still with him?” Gary’s voice was soft and broken.
“Gaz,” Mark pleaded. Jason closed his eyes tiredly and Howard gripped his hand.
“I’ve got to go,” Gary said blankly. The other three looked up at him, worried. He was still staring at the beer matt, still biting his lip. Jason could see his fingernails were digging into his palms as he stood abruptly. They watched him walk out in silence.
“I’d better go after him,” Jason sighed after a moment.
“Jay, I’m so sorry I didn’t...” Mark tried but Jason waved a hand at him.
“I get it Mark. I do. I just wish you’d trusted me. But what’s done is done. You talk to Robbie, you get your answers, you find out what it is you missed out on. Do whatever it is you have to do. And I will talk to Gary. You’d just better get yourself back to him to explain it all soon, because it shouldn’t be up to me to look after him,” he told Mark with an even tone.
Once Jason was gone, Howard and Mark were left alone to stare uncomfortably at their hands. Robbie had returned to the bar now having found someone to see to the punters in his absence. He glanced over at their table, noticed the dwindling numbers and adjusted the drinks order accordingly. He seemed nervous and for a moment Howard felt sorry for him. And then he remembered how long it had taken for Jason’s bruises to fade and he clenched his jaw. It was only when he heard Mark sniff that he forgot his anger and softened his expression.
“I’ve really fucked things up, haven’t I,” Mark mumbled to his hands. Howard let out a long sigh.
“Mate, I’ve behaved like an absolute tit to Jay sometimes, you know? And he’s still with me. You maybe didn’t handle yourself the right way but you’re only human. Gaz will forgive you, you just have to show him you know you were wrong,” he said gently. Mark frowned slightly.
“Was I wrong though?” he asked quietly and Howard looked at him in confusion.
“Mark...your husband just left this place feeling utterly betrayed. I’d say there was something wrong with that, yeah,” he remarked sharply.
“I just needed to know Howard...I just needed to know why someone I cared about skipped out on me...I needed to know what he skipped out on me for...whether I could have loved the man he became without me...” Mark wasn’t looking at Howard as he spoke. He was watching Robbie at the bar. Howard didn’t know what to say. But one thing he did know was that Jason would never look at another man that way. And if he did? Howard wouldn’t even have the strength to cry.
“I’ll leave you to find out then...but just be careful Mark. The answers might not make anything any clearer...you could just be opening a whole new can of worms,” Howard warned Mark gently before standing slowly and leaving the pub, passing Robbie on his way out and casting one final meaningful look his way before heading for the door.
***
Gary lifted his head slowly out of his hands at the sound of someone sitting down next to him on the bench. Jason was sitting there, his eyes scanning the park casually, his arms spread across the back of the bench. His relaxed manner calmed Gary somewhat. He had expected Jason to find him, what surprised him was the immediate way in which his presence eased his nerves. For a moment Gary stayed hunched over, his elbows resting on his knees, his eyes studying the grey landscape. Jason didn’t speak or cajole him into coming back to the B&B and Gary was content to stay listening to his own thoughts for a while. Jason fiddled idly with his phone.
“I’m sorry about leaving like that Jay...I got so caught up in my issues with him I forgot all about...” Gary trailed off, gesturing vaguely with his hand. Jason chuckled warmly.
“Give over Barlow, what’s he going to do? I didn’t see any cupboards in that bar anyway,” he smiled.
“You sure you’re fine?” Gary asked him, looking over at him and finally meeting his eyes. Jason’s bright eyes were gentle and honest. There was something so reassuring about Jason’s simplicity. He was still laughing slightly and he rolled his eyes playfully.
“Don’t know whether you’d noticed Gaz, but I was lucky enough to sleep through most of the cupboard ordeal. Besides, I’d like to see him get close enough to do it again; have you ever seen my husband defending me?” he said with a mischievous grin dancing on his lips.
“Not that I remember,” Gary frowned. Jason’s eyes seemed to sparkle at that.
“Oh, you’d remember if you had,” he winked and Gary was surprised to find himself chuckling. He suspected that had been Jason’s intention, although, from the twinkle of pride in his eyes as he said it, Gary also knew there was truth in his words.
For a little while they returned to silence. Gary rubbed his thumb over his cheek, feeling the scratchy stubble there and narrowing his eyes against the autumn breeze.
“Did you see the way he looked at him Jay?” he sighed at last, still looking straight ahead, still rubbing his thumb along his jaw. The only clear thought he could seize on was the image of Mark’s twinkling eyes, burning amber with intrigue. Intrigue in a man that wasn’t Gary.
“I can’t speak for Mark but...but I know he had it rough with the way they ended. I’m not saying it’s right but...it’s understandable,” Jason said softly. Gary closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He wanted to clear his head of everything and try and look at the situation objectively. But it was too hard for him to do and he rubbed his hands over his face, trying to scrub away the exhaustion he suddenly realised was clinging there.
“He could have told me though,” he muttered, more to himself than to Jason.
“Mark doesn’t enjoy dealing with life,” was Jason’s astute reply.
“It’s all a bit too real isn’t it,” Gary agreed solemnly. So why did he marry me? He didn’t ask it, but Jason heard the question somehow anyway.
“He liked to run away from life with Robbie. He loves the way you keep him safe from life. You make him want to run away a lot less than he used to. I guess...I guess seeing Robbie again leaves him feeling somewhere in between,” he murmured. Gary almost thought he could live with that explanation. He’d rather have heard it from Mark though.
“Is it stupid that I still feel...liked he’s cheated on me somehow?” Gary asked sadly. Jason smiled.
“He’s been thinking about a bloke he used to love and avoiding you so that he doesn’t risk you finding out...yeah, utterly stupid mate, you’re right,” he replied lightly, forcing another reluctant chuckle from Gary. He looked over at Jason from the corner of his eye.
“So come on then Jay; what’s it all mean?” he sighed. Jason scrunched up his face.
“Come on Gaz, you know better than to go asking me questions like that. We’d still be here at midnight if you left that up to me. What do you think?” he prompted. Gary let out a long breath, sitting back and looking up at the sky.
“I love him Jay, even if he is mixed up,” he said at last.
“I never questioned that. I just wanted to know what you were going to do now,” Jason countered.
“The thing is Jay...I’m not strong enough to do the whole ‘get some space’ thing. I’m more of a keep calm and carry on kinda man,” Gary shrugged. Jason nodded slowly, looking down at the ground.
“You’ve got to let him and Rob talk though Gaz...” he began dubiously.
“I will. And then we’ll have to talk too. But then I just want to be able to draw a line under it, get on with life...get on with making this record deal work. That’s a point – someone should phone Jonathan...” Gary replied, his forehead creasing.
“Howard’s already on it,” Jason told him softly, his mind seemingly somewhere else.
“That poor man is so under the thumb,” Gary chuckled gently. Jason smiled fondly, his eyes still distant but the love in them unmistakeable.
“That ‘poor man’ doesn’t seem to object,” he mused quietly.
For a while they sat in silence again. Gary could tell there was something Jason was holding back. They’d known each other long enough to be more aware of the unspoken words than they were of the spoken ones. Jason couldn’t look people in the eye when he was holding back his thoughts – it felt too much like lying as far as he was concerned. Gary knew this, and it made him all the more aware of the way Jason was looking off into the distance, up at the sky, down to his hands.
“Jay, I’m ok I swear. We’ll talk it out, we’ll get on with the job at hand,” Gary tried. Jason sighed.
“I know you will Gaz...I just worry that maybe Mark’s problems go deeper than a ten minute talk,” he shrugged, finally looking into Gary’s eyes. It was something Gary had wondered himself. Briefly. But he’d put it to the back of his mind, out the way, somewhere where it couldn’t upset him, trouble him. He didn’t want to think about it, there were other things that needed his attention now.
“You worry too much Jay,” he dismissed awkwardly. Jason’s eyes knew what Gary was really thinking, but he nodded in acceptance anyway. Jason was kind to him like that.
“That’s me Gaz; always worrying too much. Now come on, let’s head back,” he said softly. Gary gave him a grateful smile and nodded, standing slowly. Jason stood too, hands in pockets.
“You think they’re talking now?” Gary asked him as they walked and Jason simply shrugged.
“Either that or throwing cupboards around,” he grinned playfully, forcing yet another unexpected laugh from Gary’s lips.
***
“What are you doing here Markie?” Robbie’s voice was gentle. Mark recognised this softer side, though he wasn’t sure how many people would. This man, this man from the wrong corner of the wrong city, always on the wrong side of somebody, always finding the wrong ways to pass his time. No. Not many would recognise the right side of Robbie Williams. Mark always thought that was such a shame. Robbie was watching him cautiously across the table, waiting for an answer Mark wasn’t sure he could give. He didn’t really know why he was here, couldn’t be at all sure he understood his own motives. He was here because one of his friends had run into Robbie one day, got chatting to him, got his number, passed it on. But that wasn’t what Robbie meant and Mark knew it.
“I came to see you,” Mark said quietly, not looking into Robbie’s eyes. I’m here because I thought you were the love of my life once. I’m here because no one’s ever made me laugh the way you did. I’m here because no one’s ever made me cry the way you did either. I’m here because you walked out on me one night, you were raving drunk and high on God-knows-what and I was crying and frightened and you never came back and you never told me why. I’m here because, when my head stopped loving you, my heart carried on. He could actually tell him that, he supposed. But that would mean admitting it to himself and that wasn’t what he wanted to do at all.
“Markie I don’t...I don’t know what you want me to say...” Robbie was telling his hands.
“What have you been up to since...since whenever?” Mark asked him in a small voice.
“Sorting myself out. I was a mess for so long...I was a mess the whole time you knew me...” Robbie sighed, tracing one of his tattoos, avoiding Mark’s gaze.
“Not the whole time,” Mark half-whispered. That got Robbie’s attention. His eyes met Mark’s in a second and Mark couldn’t ignore the way his heart quickened under that stare.
“Markie...” Robbie began but Mark cut him off.
“Why did you leave that night?” he interrupted and Robbie looked as though he’d been smacked.
“I don’t know Mark,” he said cagily. Mark wasn’t having any of it.
“I remember you screaming at me, but you weren’t making any sense...I was too scared to ask you what you meant. I thought if I just let you shout then eventually you’d be ok again,” he pressed, chewing his lip nervously. He remembered Robbie screaming at him, telling him to shut up, telling him it was all too hard, that everything was a mess, there was no point trying. Mark had been shaking. When Robbie had gotten like that he was capable of anything. But until that night it had always been better by the morning. Robbie would come home. And he’d be sweet as anything for a few days. It was the Robbie of those days Mark loved. And if he wasn’t messed up now, then was there really any reason for Mark to have fallen out of love with him?
“I was off my head Mark. I was off my head and burnt out,” Robbie mumbled and Mark looked at him with sad, longing eyes.
“But why did you just...go?” he questioned. Robbie shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Because...because I loved you. And I didn’t understand why all I did was screw you up. I thought I was doing you a favour. And...and looking back, looking at the way I was...I think I did do you a favour Markie. You grew up and got a really nice life for yourself...I just carried on breaking things,” Robbie told him, honestly if a little awkwardly.
“You don’t do that now though,” Mark pointed out. Robbie smiled slightly distantly.
“I try not to,” he conceded quietly. Mark smiled back at him.
“We were good when you weren’t breaking things,” he murmured.
“Maybe we were. But you’re better away from that kind of hassle,” Robbie countered.
“I haven’t grown up half as much as you think you know. I’ve just gotten better at pretending I can cope,” Mark replied.
Robbie shifted uncomfortably. He could hear the debate of the football crowd, all raging across the room – straight red card, outrage, soft ref, such a crucial point in the game, cynical tackle. He heard their shouts but the words all got jumbled in with memories of his and Mark’s relationship. Shouting and laughing and raging and dreaming. Both of them trying desperately to avoid growing up.
“I still don’t get why you’re here Markie. You buried me. I made you bury me,” Robbie frowned.
“I never buried you Rob. I just thought you’d buried me. Neither one of us ever said we were over...neither one of us ever said we’d stopped being in love...” Mark spoke slowly, looking off into middle-distance, his head getting lost in a fragment of an emotion he thought he’d forgotten.
“You moved on Mark,” Robbie was half-instructing him.
“I didn’t though. Not really. I found distractions, I wrote myself a new story. But I’ve spent years of my life building up this other life...and just ignoring all the loose threads, the fragments that make up the different ending, the ending we never got the chance to have...” Mark countered swiftly, his hand darting out across the table and coming to rest on Robbie’s arm. Robbie looked over to meet his gaze once more and Mark’s eyes shone with emotions Robbie feared he shouldn’t claim.
“I will always love you Mark. But I will never be right for you. Me and you...we’re just too similar. Two people who struggle to cope can’t be each other’s strength, they just end up dragging each other down” Robbie said resolutely, his eyes revealing how much it hurt him to admit that truth.
“But I don’t know what I need anymore,” Mark whispered.
“You need to work that out by yourself Markie, you don’t want someone like me around distracting you,” Robbie warned.
“I still love you,” Mark said suddenly. He surprised himself by saying it. No sooner were the words out than he thought of Gary. Sweet, safe, warm Gary. He adored Gary. There was no one who could look after him like Gary could. When the world got too much for him, it was Gary who would talk him through it. Or at the very least give him the strength to face up to it. But there were so many other places where he wanted to send his heart. To his music. To his friends. To his lost life with Robbie. Was it selfish to just want to be able to pick up his heart and move it around as he pleased?
“You should go,” Robbie replied softly, shaking Mark from his thoughts. He stood, watching Mark a moment before picking up their glasses and walking swiftly away.
***
Howard slowly brought the phone down from his ear, trying to keep himself calm but failing. When his phone had rung he’d expected Jason to be on the other end. Jason. Panic rose within him again and he glanced down at the time on his mobile. It had been almost three quarters of an hour since Jason had sent him that text telling him to call Jonathan. He chewed on his lip. From his mobile’s display Jason’s face smiled up at him. Howard loved that picture. Gary had taken it, moments before one of Howard’s DJ gigs. Jason’s arms were still half-wrapped around Howard after a long embrace, Howard had one arm slung around Jason’s shoulders whilst Jason laughed mischievously into the camera. Howard’s own expression was one of feigned amazement – if Howard remembered rightly, Jason had been mocking him quietly throughout their embrace. It was a single-moment capture, but it was filled with everything Howard loved about his and Jason’s relationship. Looking down at the picture calmed him for a moment, distracted him from what he had just heard.
It took him a few seconds to get himself together, blinking slightly and then rolling his eyes.
“For God’s sake, get a grip. You haven’t even called ‘im,” he told himself off softly, hitting the speed dial instinctively and then pressing his phone to his ear. Voicemail greeted him and his heart rate quickened. He tried again. And again. Tried Gary. Voicemail. Back to Jason’s number. Still nothing. He was pacing now, the B&B’s ancient floorboards groaning under the strain of his nerves. Outside it was starting to rain and common sense was far from Howard’s mind. Loneliness and rain couldn’t mix in his world without flashbacks. He couldn’t be rational, he couldn’t be sensible. He’d been feeling so nervous of late – irrationally protective of Jason even in the most innocuous of situations. Maybe this was why, maybe he’d somehow sensed this coming. He scolded himself for such a stupid suggestion and tried Jason’s phone again. As he heard Jason’s voicemail once more he couldn’t contain his anger with himself and he flung his phone down onto the bed. He rubbed his temples and took deep breaths, cursing himself the entire time. He shouldn’t trust the world to protect Jason as fiercely as he deserved.
Howard took a deep breath and went over to the window, pressing himself close to the glass and peering out into the street below. No sign of either Jason or Gary. He closed his eyes and returned to the bed, crashing down onto it and taking his phone into his hands again. He wished he hadn’t answered, he’d rather not know. After all, would he actually be worrying this much right now if it wasn’t for that call? He rubbed his eyes and looked back down at that picture. Once more it provided him with a welcome distraction for his thoughts as he allowed himself to study the way Jason held onto him, even as Howard protested that he was being insulted his embrace was still there. As unwavering as Jason himself. He looked at the closeness of their embrace and he wished he could feel it now. No one could still his panic as well as Jason’s embrace could. The problem was, of course, that there was nothing which could panic him more than an extended absence from Jason’s embrace.
Chapter Seven
Howard was just about to lift his phone to his ear once more when he heard the sound of a key in the lock. He found that he couldn’t spin round fast enough and he almost overbalanced himself. The door opened slowly and before Howard had even seen Jason’s face he had already crossed the width of the room with one bound. Jason smiled at him and it was all he could do to throw his arms gratefully around his familiar frame. Jason blinked in confusion, though his arms instinctively returned the gesture and wound themselves around Howard’s torso.
“Christ love, I wasn’t gone that long,” Jason said gently, careful of his tone as he could feel both the panic and the relief that was coursing through his husband. Howard simply squeezed him tighter before pulling back to cup his face in his hands. Howard held them like that for a long time and Jason tried to read what had happened from his husband’s eyes. Glad blueness was all he could find.
“I couldn’t reach you,” Howard stumbled over the words slightly, his brow creasing.
“My phone died. Howard, what’s wrong?” Jason replied, pressing a concerned kiss to Howard’s jaw. Howard crumpled slightly as he felt those lips against his skin and he stepped back slowly, his legs buckling as he bumped into the bed. As he slid to the floor, Jason came down with him, not letting the embrace break, acutely aware of his husband’s need to hold onto him, even if he was unsure as to the reason for it. One of his hands wound its way into Howard’s dark curls and he stroked at them soothingly, still looking up into Howard’s eyes.
“I got this call...and then you were gone so long and...God, I am so glad to see you Jay,” Howard told him in a quiet voice, his hands falling from Jason’s face to his neck as he relaxed ever so slightly. He could feel Jason’s arm still wrapped around him and it steadied him.
“Sorry love, but you know what Gaz is like. We had to get some food down him before he felt right again and by the time we’d found somewhere free of any ex-boyfriends my phone was already dead. What on earth was this call about if it’s got you so worked up?” Jason frowned. Howard let out a long breath, the last of his panic finally subsiding under Jason’s even tone. He pressed a single kiss to Jason’s forehead, closing his eyes then leaning their foreheads together.
“It was from Anna...” he said finally and he felt Jason tense and lean into him instinctively. Howard realised then it was his turn to be strong and he was grateful of the chance to prove he could be.
“Anna the liaisons officer Anna?” Jason asked quietly, looking nervously up into Howard’s face.
“I overreacted,” Howard said quickly, determined to dispel any fear from his husband’s eyes. Jason smiled a fond sort of a smile.
“Course you did, that’s what you do. Now go on,” he nodded gently. Howard almost grinned. There was no hint of reprimand in the remark. Jason relied upon Howard overreacting, took comfort in it, found a certain amount of security in the knowledge that even the slightest of falls in life would be fought against and avenged by a man who championed him relentlessly.
“It’s Emily...she’s gone missing,” Howard murmured. Jason looked up at him in silence for a moment, his blue eyes were bright with confusion. He tried to unpick the logic of it, tried to imagine that part of his life suddenly not being over, and he flinched slightly. Howard held him tightly through it.
“Missing,” Jason repeated thoughtfully, his initial worry turning itself over into something Howard couldn’t quite pinpoint.
“In my head my world was ending all over again,” Howard told him honestly, a tear unexpectedly escaping from the corner of his eye. Jason’s face was caring and he moved himself even closer to Howard, close enough for Howard to be able to listen to his heart beating.
“Oh love,” he murmured and Howard gave him a weak smile.
“I was all ready to hate myself for losing you again you know,” he sighed and Jason laughed affectionately, brushing the back of his hand along Howard’s cheek.
“What more could you do to protect me though, eh? Lock me in and throw away the key?” he teased, his hands still soft against Howard’s skin, his eyes still understanding.
“It was raining and I couldn’t find you Jay,” Howard whispered back. Jason knew every inch of emotion buried in those words, and he knew there was no reason to try and diminish the importance of it. He held Howard’s gaze a moment before silently shifting in their embrace, his tender fingers moving to Howard’s neck. Slowly and gently he untied Howard’s scarf, pulling it from his neck and then moving even closer. Taking the end of the scarf he brushed lightly at the tear which was running down Howard’s cheek, wiping it away. His hand came to rest on Howard’s other cheek. He looked into his eyes with a loving smile, kissed the corner of Howard’s eye, his cheekbone and his jaw before giving him one last long look and then pressing a lingering kiss against his lips.
Howard gladly took Jason into his arms and he let the kiss draw out, the taste of Jason’s lips against his own a treasured familiarity. Through the fabric of Jason’s shirt Howard could feel the warmth of his skin and he pulled him still closer. He enjoyed the chance to forget the fact there was a world beyond them. A world that didn’t look after them the way they looked after each other. Howard could feel the ridges of Jason’s fingerprints, the flicker of his eyelashes. He knew the kiss was ending, but he tightened his embrace. Jason opened his eyes and tilted his head slightly, looking up into Howard’s eyes, his fingers still absently moving through Howard’s dark hair. He could see words on Howard’s lips which weren’t forthcoming.
“Tell me,” he murmured and Howard smiled slightly.
“I don’t think I can share you,” he admitted at last.
***
Gary didn’t look over at him as he entered the room, his eyes staying trained on the rainstorm outside. Mark swallowed and pushed his sopping locks from his forehead. Dripping tendrils of hair clung to his scalp, his coat and scarf drenched and water seeping into his boots (which evidently weren’t as sturdy as they looked.) He stood awkwardly by the door, too wet to sit on the bed and too uneasy to go over to join Gary by the window. The silence between the two of them was punctuated by the rain which rapped its fingers loudly against the glass. Mark almost winced at the noise. Gary didn’t flinch once.
“You’re back,” Gary said. The statement was both blank and pointless and the lack of emotion in his voice made Mark’s shoulders tense. He could feel the rainwater seeping through his clothes to his skin, cold and icy and awful, and yet, surprisingly, his throat was dry. He almost choked as he tried to use his voice.
“Yeah,” he replied dully. The conversation was as empty as it was loaded.
“Good talk?” Gary questioned, sounding a little strained but still frighteningly even-toned.
“Y...yeah...” Mark stammered this time. How was he supposed to answer that? The truth would do no good; the truth was the talk had hardly answered any of Mark’s questions. All the talk had succeeded in doing was confusing him further. Something distant and treasured from the depths of his heart was closer to the surface than he wanted to admit. And he definitely couldn’t tell Gary that. But then, Mark hated telling the truth even to himself sometimes. Gary turned to look at him.
“You married me Mark. Me!” his voice hardened and cracked, something close to tears on the tip of his tongue, something close to anger flashing across the handsome lines of his face. That strong jaw of his set firm, his blue eyes glittering wildly and his dark eyebrows frowning a little. Mark would have noticed the vulnerability in that stare if he had only thought to look. But he was too vulnerable himself to dare to meet that gaze and he crumpled instantly, half-falling to the floor, raking his fingers through his dripping brown hair.
“I know that! I know! But I never closed the book on him Gaz, he never let me!” he pleaded, his eyes on the floor as he pulled his legs up to his chest. Gary was frozen to his spot. He wanted to go over to Mark, he wanted to comfort him, he wanted to make him better, fix him. But he couldn’t quite shake that creeping feeling of betrayal. He couldn’t see how his arms could fit around those shoulders.
“And is it closed now?” he demanded, his voice louder and harsher than he meant it to be, every sharp edge emphasised disproportionately in the white-noise that stretched between them.
“As closed as it’ll ever be,” Mark mumbled forlornly into his scarf. He couldn’t see an end to it. He couldn’t see an end to any of it. The confusion. That lost sensation in the pit of his stomach. The strange feeling of falling that came over him every time life got hard.
“What?” Gary asked him abruptly, making him jump slightly. He looked up, reluctantly lifting his head from his hands, his eyes wide and watery. Gary was powerless to stop the love that coloured in the corners of his heart when he saw those sparkling blue-green eyes. They were grey from lack of sleep but were no less bright. He softened a little. Mark didn’t notice.
“We said what we had to say Gaz. We said it. And that conversation is...is over...” Mark whispered, looking down at his hands and picking at a loose thread in his scarf. Over was so final though, wasn’t it? Over was too harsh. He didn’t like the feel of it on his lips.
Gary’s shoulders sagged and he rubbed a hand over his face, looking around the room before finally letting his eyes fall back on Mark. He was hunched over, legs pulled tightly to his chest, soaked to the skin and still dripping. He looked so fragile. Like a kid who wasn’t quite ready to grow up.
“You could have said something...I would’ve listened...I would’ve...I would’ve tried to understand...” Gary sighed at last, tracing a line across his forehead with his fingertips.
“It was never the right time. I didn’t even know what the right time was,” Mark sniffed. Gary looked over at him once more and he broke. He let out a long sigh and came slowly across the room, lowering himself onto the edge of the bed.
“You’re soaked,” he said softly, tenderly almost. Mark looked up at him with a rueful smile.
“I thought it never rained in London,” he replied quietly and Gary shook his head fondly.
“Only in your fairy tale edition of the atlas Markie,” he smiled, grabbing his coat from behind him on the bed and leaning over to tuck it around Mark’s shoulders. Mark snuggled into the fabric instantly, gratefully. It smelt vaguely of chocolate and Gary’s shampoo and Mark pulled it tightly around him, closing his eyes a moment to feel its safety.
“Fairy tales make it look so easy,” he remarked distantly. Gary simply smiled.
“No one ever has to wear practical clothes in fairy tales,” he nodded and Mark smiled, opening his eyes again and looking up into Gary’s face.
“We ok again Gaz?” he asked timidly. Gary looked at him a moment. He couldn’t help but think he had been won over too easily, but he couldn’t bear to be angry with Mark any longer, he didn’t enjoy it, he didn’t relish it. It simply drained him.
“Yeah. We’re ok,” he agreed and Mark pulled himself up thankfully into Gary’s arms.
***
Jason and Howard sat side by side at the foot of the bed, their heads tipped back onto the mattress as they stared at the ceiling. Howard’s fingers played absently with Jason’s and he locked their little fingers together, winding his hand around so as to pull Jason’s hand closer. The quiet was comfortable and the spatter of the raindrops on the window was muffled behind the curtains. It seemed like a world away to both of them as they lost themselves in their thoughts.
“I don’t think I’m her problem anymore, you know?” Jason said at last, his voice quiet and rough. His voice was so gentle it hardly scratched the peace of their silence at all and Howard continued to interlace their fingers as if nothing had been said. He looked up at the ceiling with calm blue eyes, thinking over Jason’s words for a moment before he spoke.
“No. I don’t think you are,” he agreed softly, his forehead creasing slightly.
“In a funny sort of a way, she’s saved my life twice over,” Jason added.
“She’s brought you back to me twice I know that much,” Howard told him, his voice a little gravelly. Jason tilted his head slightly, looking at Howard with bright blue eyes and a small smile.
“Actually that’s what I meant,” he murmured and Howard too turned his head, his eyes meeting Jason’s. He let out a low, warm chuckle and there was a hint of delight in his quiet smile back at Jason. Wordlessly they both turned their eyes back to the ceiling. The smile didn’t leave the corner of Howard’s lips and Jason gave his fingers a small squeeze.
“It doesn’t change things though, does it,” Howard said slowly, chewing the inside of his mouth. Jason let out a long, thoughtful sigh, his blue eyes clouding.
“It doesn’t change the fact you can’t share me,” he murmured and Howard smiled slightly.
“I can’t trust the world to keep you safe...I can’t hand any part of you over to millions of strangers and trust them to treat you the way I want you to be treated...” he tried to explain but Jason stilled his lips with another firm squeeze of his hand and Howard tipped his head to look back into Jason’s eyes. They looked at each other a moment then Jason shrugged slightly.
“You didn’t have to tell me Donald; I knew,” he whispered. Howard smiled at him.
“Course you did,” he replied quietly and Jason laughed softly.
“I don’t think either one of us is any good at trusting strangers,” he said honestly and Howard was grateful to hear the same protectiveness echoed in Jason’s voice.
“So...what do we tell Gaz and Mark?” Howard asked nervously and Jason sucked in a breath.
“That we’re sorry,” he answered quietly.
“You reckon they’re done sorting their issues yet?” Howard sighed but Jason didn’t seem to be listening. He was studying Howard’s ruggedly handsome face; the ragged stubble of his jawline, the rocky blue of his eyes and the way every expression was marked by a different line.
“Do you know what? I don’t care,” Jason said gently. His voice wasn’t harsh or angry, just soft and thoughtful. It was as if he was surprised by the realisation. Howard arched an eyebrow.
“Ok...” he said slowly, slightly uncertain.
“I just want to forget there’s a world out there Howard, just for a little while...I don’t want any of it. The record deal, Emily, Gaz and Mark. I just want our world. You and me. Please,” he begged Howard quietly and Howard smiled fondly at him.
“And how do we forget all that exactly?” he questioned calmly and Jason’s expression changed. Something sparked in those blue eyes and Jason pushed himself up a little, sitting up and edging a little closer to Howard. As Jason’s hand fell from his own, Howard too sat up and moved towards Jason, longing for the contact to be returned to him. Jason looked back at him unwaveringly and Howard searched his face a moment, confusion touching his forehead. Jason simply smiled back, wordlessly moving his hands to the buttons of his shirt. Howard watched, too mesmerised by Jason’s eyes to really take in the silent movement of Jason’s fingers on the buttons, each one undone slowly until his shirt was loose and open. Jason tilted his head a little.
“Well? I thought I was yours,” he whispered and Howard smiled, closing the final gap between them and placing a lingering kiss against Jason’s lips.
“Oh, you are mine,” he assured him and then silently he slid the shirt from Jason’s shoulders, pushing it softly down his muscular arms and letting it drop, forgotten, to the floor.
***
The air was thick with calm as the dim room settled into stillness. Howard smiled lazily to himself, rubbing a hand over his face and rolling onto his side. He propped himself up on his elbow and took a moment to enjoy the feelings humming through him. Jason’s slim, elegant form was stretched out by his side, the warmth of his skin close, his breaths falling in with Howard’s rhythm. There were the faded fragments of a smile resting on his lips, unrecognizable except to Howard, who could chart every beat of Jason’s heart from just one fleck of colour in his stare. Howard’s smile tipped over into something more fond as he took in Jason’s tousled hair, a fine sheen still gracing his skin, curling his hair and sticking strands to his forehead. He bent and pressed a kiss against them, pulling back enough to brush the strands away, drawing Jason’s eyes up to his. He was gorgeously dishevelled, unguarded and given over completely. Utterly Howard’s. Howard could see it in his eyes and he traced his finger across Jason’s jawline. Instinctively Jason leant up to him and they shared a kiss as Jason’s arms wound round Howard’s torso. He folded himself against Howard’s chest and then tucked his head beneath his chin. Howard held him tight and fell back against the pillows, inviting the stillness to rejoin them.
Jason broke the quiet first; reluctantly but calmly, pressing a kiss to Howard’s shoulder before he spoke. Howard tipped his head to look down into Jason’s eyes.
“We should tell Gaz,” he said, his voice rough and warm. Howard smiled at him mischievously.
“Love, I’m not sure he’d want to know,” he teased lightly, an affectionate glower his reward.
“Do you ever stop?” Jason sighed, kissing Howard’s jaw lightly.
“Eh, for once, this was all your fault,” Howard grinned back unashamedly, gesturing to the tangle of sheets and arms which they were locked in. Jason could only roll his eyes.
“My point still stands. We can’t just leave a note and run exactly!” Jason scolded Howard softly.
“Can’t we?” Howard asked hopefully and Jason looked up with twinkling blue eyes.
“Don’t even think about it. Now come on, off me, I need to get dressed,” he smiled and Howard pulled a face, pinning Jason back against the mattress just long enough to press a lingering kiss to his lips before releasing him and flopping back down onto the bed. Jason dragged himself into a sitting position and Howard watched as he began to redress.
“I love you,” Howard said quietly after a moment, surprising himself slightly. Jason simply looked back over his shoulder, smiling.
“I know you do,” he replied.
“Just checking,” Howard told him.
“You could come with me you know...play the dutiful husband for a change,” Jason remarked and Howard laughed, ruffling his tangled black curls and grimacing.
“Go on then, if I have to. Can I at least have a shower first though?” he groaned, pushing himself up.
“As long as you’re quick. I know you, love. You’ve got a hair care regime most hairdressers couldn’t be fagged with,” Jason warned as Howard made his way towards the bathroom. Howard simply grinned at him and stretched before disappearing into the bathroom, leaving Jason on his own to smile and shake his head.
***
Somehow Gary had known it was coming. There was something about the way Jason held onto Howard’s hand. Howard’s hair was damp and dripping in his eyes, helping him to avoid focusing on either Mark or Gary, but Jason was altogether more direct, whatever insecurity he felt kept privately between his and Howard’s clasped fingers, his natural inclination towards honesty winning over any unease he felt inside. Mark was sat cross-legged on the bed, raking his fingers through his hair and looking for all the world like he hadn’t heard a word Jason had said. Gary closed his eyes and turned towards the window, resting his forehead against the freezing glass and letting out a long sigh. Why was it always up to him to play boss? Why did he have to be in charge?
“So you’re going back then?” he asked at last and Jason bit his lip.
“There’s trains back to Manchester every twenty minutes Gaz, there’s no point sticking around. Look, mate...I am sorry, you know? But this whole thing...it’s what I wanted a long time ago. Before I’d really worked anything out. My whole life, my priorities, my ambitions...they’ve all changed since then – and I don’t just mean since Howard. I am sorry though. I really am,” he sighed heavily, his voice thick with something that Gary couldn’t place. Worry? But worry for what? He was going home. Worry about his reaction? He turned away from the window and smiled sadly at Jason.
“Don’t be Jay, Mark and me will figure something out,” he tried and Jason nodded uncertainly.
“Jonathan will have a panic attack,” Mark said with a childish sort of smile and Howard grinned.
“Why else do you think we decided to go home?!” he joked and Mark’s eyes sparkled.
“Coz you know where you want to be,” he shrugged honestly and Howard nodded slowly.
“Good answer,” he said, squeezing Jason’s hand a little tighter.
“Gaz...” Jason said a little hesitantly. Gary knew Jason well enough to know that hesitation. That was his hesitation before a truth. He respected honesty, admired it in others and made a habit of being honest himself. He thought it was patronizing to lie to people about how he felt about things for too long. But he was tactful too, he knew honesty didn’t always come without consequences.
“Go on Jay, it’s fine,” Gary assured him slowly and Jason licked his lips in thought.
“The thing is I...I went along with this for your sake Gaz. And you know I believe you’re good enough for it and you know I will always support you, I’m your mate, it’s what I’m here for. It’s just...I’m not actually sure it is for your sake anymore. Or Mark’s. Do you know what I mean?” his voice was soft and slow and a frown creased his forehead as he tried to find the right words.
“Jay, music is who I am, you know that,” Gary shrugged and Jason’s eyes clouded a little.
“No, that’s not what I meant...oh I don’t know Gaz, maybe I just worry too much like everyone’s always telling me. I’m just not sure this is actually going to be good for either of you in the long-run,” he murmured, glancing anxiously at Howard who could only offer him a faint smile. Gary swallowed and turned back to look out of the widow. Mark turned his attention his hands. Neither one of them was going to admit to needing the distraction. In any case, there didn’t seem much point in admitting to something Jason already knew.
Chapter Eight
Mark looked out at the early morning sky. It was grey, indistinguishable from the colour the sky had been as he’d stood at this same window and watched Howard and Jason leave. Howard’s hand on the small of Jason’s back as they waited for the taxi, Jason leaning into him. Mark could tell there was a light tone to their exchanges, something about the way Howard held his shoulders and Jason tipped his head. Jason was probably asking Howard what he wanted for dinner. It was that simple to them; life, that is. They bickered so often, and they weren’t without their arguments. Mark had watched them have a full blown fight once; the honesty was brutal, the swearing blunt, the love palpable. He remembered thinking they were brave to be that honest. He wasn’t brave enough, after all. And he didn’t think Gary was either. Both of them feared being stripped back that much by anyone. With a world so big and scary and changeable, how could it ever be sensible to surrender yourself completely, to run that risk of total trust? Stood here now though, watching the anonymous greyness of the clouds, Mark wondered if he hadn’t got that jumbled somehow. Maybe the only way to survive was to find someone to surrender to instead of losing little pieces of yourself to your past. Wasn’t a little broken part of his heart still in Robbie’s hands? Hell, there were bits and pieces of him up and down this bloody country. Knock-backs, set-backs, scrapes. Dark little corners of the world someone like him shouldn’t ever wander into were still holding onto the pieces of him they had managed to chip away – he’d always been that bit too mild mannered to say no to them or tell them to leave him be.
Mark turned and looked at Gary sleeping. He didn’t look like a man who had been waiting half his life for this day. He looked tired. And not just because of his closed eyes. Everything about him looked tired. His skin like hessian with that threadbare fade. His shoulders were tense, even in his sleep. He hardly moved, like a man unconscious. Gary could sleep through anything, but he used to move more, of that Mark was sure. Mark’s heart might be littered across the country, but he was still bound close to this gorgeous man, somehow or other Gary could cling onto him in a way that no one else had managed to. Mark had usually run away by now. Maybe Gary was just that little bit safer than anything else he’d ever known. Or maybe he’d just not had anything to run to until now.
It was that thought that brought him back to earth. There was a reason he had risen this early. He turned swiftly from the window, picking up his satchel and swinging it across his body before his eyes came to rest on the bed. Gary was dead to the world when Mark pressed a brief kiss to his forehead. Not even the dull thud of the door closing on Mark’s departing figure was enough to stir him.
***
Howard shuffled down the corridor. He was half-asleep, the previous day was half-forgotten and he was only half-aware of where he was going. But for all his half-heartedness, he was propelled forwards by the intuitive sense that he was getting closer to being in Jason’s presence once more. Even through the foggiest remnants of sleep he had been aware of the ache of waking up with Jason already out of bed. It was with relief that he collapsed on the breakfast bar, amidst the smell of breakfast and the sound of Jason humming to himself and the feel of home. Jason turned around and watched him a moment. His eyes scanned Howard’s bent back, his muscular arms at awkward angles, his dark locks tangled. Satisfied that nothing was seriously wrong except a small case of morning-head, he smiled fondly and moved across the kitchen, stooping briefly to press a kiss to Howard’s upper arm. Howard stirred at that, sitting up groggily and looking round, aware of Jason’s presence moving away from him again and yet reluctant to open his eyes or venture speech. Jason silently took the throw cover from the sofa and Howard felt his gentle touch as the cover was tucked around his shoulders. He smiled as another kiss was pressed against the chestnut strands in his sleep-shaggy curls.
“Morning love,” Jason said with kind softness in his tone.
“What’s for breakfast?” Howard finally managed to form words and Jason laughed quietly.
“Should’ve known that would be the first thing on your mind. It’s homemade porridge. With honey...” Jason began and Howard grinned sleepily.
“And none of that health food hippy shit,” he and Jason finished in unison. Jason’s eyes sparkled as he shook his head and turned back to what he was doing.
“I don’t know what you’ve got against that stuff. It’s good for you!” he muttered. Howard pushed himself into an upright position, tugging the throw a little tighter around him and resting his chin on his hand. He ignored Jason’s remark, his brain finally catching up with him.
“Did yesterday actually happen?” he asked through a yawn and Jason chuckled, reaching into a cupboard and retrieving a bowl. He paused there a moment and let out a sigh.
“I think so...wouldn’t it all be incredibly simple if it hadn’t though? Do you want any orange juice love or are you sticking to coffee?” he asked casually. The corner of Howard’s lips quirked up at that. It was charmingly dismissive.
“Both would be nice if you could. Hey, since I have a claim to half of everything we own, do I have the right to put up curtains in here? My head is killing me,” he grumbled back good naturedly. Jason’s piercing blue eyes fixed on him with a flash. Howard looked him up and down. He was dressed in those old tracksuit bottoms again, wearing Howard’s hoody again, looking for all the world like he had never left that spot. This was why he found it so hard to share in Gary and Mark’s dream; the thought of losing these moments or making them fewer. Making them rarer would not make them more treasured in Howard’s eyes. In his eyes every single one of these moments was unique. The sequence of the banter, the order the smiles formed on Jason’s lips, the different ways their eyes found to meet.
“I think you’ll find you own the back half of the apartment,” Jason assured him steadily.
“Good, curtains in the bedroom it is,” Howard beamed and Jason pursed his lips in an effort to hold back a smile. Howard tilted his head and Jason took a step closer to the breakfast bar.
“Fuck off,” he said bluntly, arms folding, eyes determined.
“Fuck off yourself,” Howard retorted and Jason narrowed his eyes.
“You’re a nuisance Donald,” Jason told him.
“And a nightmare and a mess and your husband,” Howard nodded in reply. Jason’s lips formed a perfect line of disapproval, eyes still sparkling.
“You’re still not getting curtains,” he said simply, making Howard laugh.
“Never really wanted ‘em love, just enjoy getting you fired up before I’ve even had breakfast,” he grinned shamelessly and Jason worked hard to suppress his smile, grabbing up a tea towel and launching it at Howard.
“You’re so bloody full of yourself sometimes Howard, you know that?” he huffed out at last, scrutinising Howard with that brazen blue stare of his.
“Yeah but you like the challenge,” Howard shot back.
In silence they returned to what they had been doing before. Howard slumped back across the breakfast bar slightly and Jason dished up breakfast. Jason only spoke when he placed the bowl down in front of Howard, moving to his side, his breath brushing Howard’s ear.
“I hope you know; I love the challenge,” he murmured, placing a kiss to the top of Howard’s head and then disappearing down the corridor for his morning shower. It took a lot of willpower for Howard not to follow him.
***
It was the wind that woke Gary first, his alarm a creeping second place as it added its high-pitched whines to the battering swirl outside. He sighed, bracing himself for the coldness to hit as soon as he reached his hand out of the duvet. He opened one eye, groping around for his phone and finally silencing it before rolling onto his back. As he did so, he finally noticed the empty bed at his side. There was still a dent in the pillow that smelt of Mark’s shampoo, still an untidy heap of coins and old train tickets on the bedside table. Gary pushed himself up in the bed, frowning and rubbing his eyes as if he thought the action might clear his vision and reveal Mark was simply so small he had slipped from the pillow and under the duvet without Gary realising. But no. His eyes refocused and Mark was still gone.
A spray of harsh rain was suddenly beating, haphazard, across the window’s thin glass, drawing Gary’s attention to the open curtains. They hadn’t been open when he’d gone to sleep. He rubbed a hand over his forehead, trying to think more clearly, and scanned his eyes around the small room. There was a space on the floor by the window where Mark’s satchel and boots had been strewn but, Gary noted with relief, his suitcase was still open by the side of the bed. He had gotten an early start, but it wasn’t an early start home. He was still adjusting to losing his best friends from this venture, without his husband falling away too.
Thinking of Jason and Howard made his heart sink a little. He hadn’t wanted them to go. And, strangely enough, he recognised a reluctance to leave from Howard and Jason themselves. They wanted to be with him for this, they did. There was just so much at stake for them. With them gone, Gary couldn’t help but feel like someone had just hacked off a limb whilst apologising profusely for doing so. Anger didn’t seem appropriate but the feeling of disorientation was acute. He smiled slightly sadly as he thought about it, because the emotion was obviously familiar to Jason too since he had texted him at regular intervals for the entirety of his journey back to Manchester. And Jason normally hated using his phone unnecessarily.
His eyes a little more awake, Gary picked his mobile back up off the bedside table and made sure he hadn’t overslept. But he hadn’t. And there was no text or missed phone call from Mark either. So where had he gone? He could be skittish at the best of times but leaving without word...leaving without somehow managing to wake Gary up; that was strange.
***
Mark ran his fingers along the brickwork, closing his eyes and tasting the clogged-up London air. The ends of his fringe scratched his skin and his breath was ragged, though he couldn’t explain why. He could feel the cold against his back and he used it to help brace himself. He scolded himself, asked himself what the point of coming was if he didn’t think he could go through with it. He forgot to ask himself why he was so scared. Through the doors, which were slightly ajar, he could hear that familiar voice, petulant and brash, dipping in and out of a debate. The argument was either about football or war, Mark couldn’t quite decide. He just liked the way disagreement sounded when it came from those lips. They formed words a different way to how Gary’s did. Gary. Every muscle in Mark’s body tensed at the simple thought of Gary’s name. For a small second he wondered if, somewhere out there, there might be another version of himself still lying peacefully by Gary’s side. It was a nice thought, Mark mused, because it meant that somewhere out there some version of Gary was being loved properly.
From inside the pub, another laughing barb erupted. Mark turned his head towards it, Gary neglected. Just that voice alone could turn Mark into the person he had been back then. He wasn’t entirely confident he had changed anyway. Maybe that was why it suddenly came so easily to him to slip in through the door of the pub without invitation. He and Robbie had never been invited anywhere, back in the day. They’d still always gone though. Robbie had always made sure it had looked like he owned the place, only Mark had known he was terrified inside.
“We’re not open,” a tall, balding man said automatically. Landlord, Mark guessed. He wore a t-shirt with ‘To dare is to do’ printed in block capitals across the front and he didn’t look at Mark as he spoke. Mark found most Londoners the same; it was as though they could sense he was from up North and made an instant judgement that he was simply not worth their time. Of course, Mark himself hardly spared the man a glance. His eyes were locked on Robbie. He propped up the bar with his heavy arms tensed, his dark hair at morning angles, those eyes a dangerous sort of murky that Mark remembered all too well.
“It’s alright mate, I know ‘im,” Robbie half-muttered to the landlord who finally stopped what he was doing to look Mark up and down.
“Fine, he can stay then. Just no mates’ rates, y’ hear?” he warned, nodding dismissively at Mark before heading out to the back.
Robbie still looked at Mark with those heavy eyes of his and the silence stretched for some time.
“What are you doing back here again Markie?” he asked at last. Mark was almost startled by how soft his voice sounded. These sorts of conversations were once conducted in screams and spits.
“Please don’t be cross with me Rob...I only want to see you...you know once you would have killed for me to turn up begging for you to see me,” Mark murmured, his eyes a little distant, his smile slightly confused, as though he knew he shouldn’t be so fond of those memories but couldn’t help himself. Robbie seemed just as caught and he visibly softened at Mark’s words.
“Yeah, and it was always my own bloody fault you didn’t. Sit down Mark, I’ll put the kettle on,” he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes. Mark watched him with curiosity.
“The times I actually did come, you always used to offer me a lot stronger than just tea,” he commented quietly as Robbie went into a small alcove behind the bar and busied himself with the kettle. He looked at his hands and not at Mark.
“Yeah well, I’ve stopped all that shit now,” he mumbled. Mark tilted his head to one side.
“The drink?” he asked and Robbie smiled sadly to himself, shaking his head.
“Sort of. But mostly I meant the running away,” he corrected and Mark watched in silence as he finished making the tea.
***
Jason stood, arms wrapped around himself, looking out at the wintery skies that hung over Manchester. For a moment Howard watched him, hovering at the end of the corridor, reluctant to disturb the peace. Jason’s brow was furrowed slightly, his eyes glazed and brilliant blue. An unusual stillness radiated from him; Jason was beautiful but rarely still. Howard buried his hand in his hair and let out a long sigh, crossing the lounge and coming up behind Jason. His arm snaked around Jason’s waist and he sneaked his hand under the fabric of the hoody, his palm grazing Jason’s hip and then his stomach. Howard couldn’t help but smile as Jason allowed himself to sink into the touch, instinctively tipping his head to just enough to let Howard place a kiss to the base of his neck.
“Has thinking about it made it better yet?” Howard asked softly as Jason finally turned to face him. He gently brushed at the strands of Jason’s fringe and Jason smiled tiredly.
“What makes you so sure you know what I’m thinking about?” he sighed. Howard simply chuckled quietly, kissing Jason’s forehead.
“Oh love, you know I know you,” he grinned and Jason smiled up at him thoughtfully.
“Mm. Better than anyone else,” he murmured. Howard could only smile at that; a half-daft smile that touched the corners of his bright, roughish eyes.
“Well in that case, my question still stands,” he managed to counter at last, wrapping both his arms a little more tightly around Jason’s middle.
“Ah, but if you really do know me, then don’t you know the answer,” Jason tried, closing his eyes and letting himself sink against Howard’s strong chest.
“Maybe I do, maybe I’m just trying to get you to talk,” Howard suggested and Jason laughed.
“Mm, maybe you are. Maybe I’ll even let you get away with it,” he replied.
“You always do,” Howard told him with a grin, kissing his temple. Jason seemed to take a certain amount of encouragement from the action and as Howard’s lips touched his skin, he drew his shoulders up a little, though he still let Howard support most of his weight.
“I enjoyed being in the band...and the thing about being in that sort of unit is...you’re all responsible for each other. Looking after each other was important to me Howard, it’s always been my issue. But you know what? We just jumped out the fucking plane and took all the parachutes with us,” he let out in a breath and Howard smiled sadly, nodding.
“Yup,” he agreed bluntly. He couldn’t deny it, and there was no point in trying.
“But that’s not even my biggest fear anymore,” Jason added and Howard looked down at him with eyes that shone. He’d already known that fact, Jason realised with a quiet smile.
“You’re worried about Gaz aren’t you,” Howard said, turning his attention to Jason’s fringe once more, his fingers brushing at Jason’s forehead. Jason swallowed, taking a deep breath.
“I think something’s wrong Howard. I think something’s wrong and him and Mark would rather distract themselves with this than face up to it,” he admitted. As the words finally fell out, Howard held him, silent and steady.
“Yesterday was weird, you know? I mean, I didn’t expect Gaz to just...recover the way he did. If I ever saw you look at someone the way Mark looked at Robbie? You might as well just punch me in the fucking gut,” Howard grimaced, shaking his head. Jason looked up at him, his eyes soft and fond.
“You know that’s sort of romantic...in a blunt kind of a way,” he told Howard quietly. Howard shrugged, glancing back down to meet Jason’s eyes.
“True though,” he assured him and Jason nodded.
“I know. I feel the same,” he said quietly before tucking his head back under Howard’s chin.
“It ain’t right Jay,” Howard remarked distantly.
“No...I didn’t think it was. But I hoped I was just going mad,” Jason sighed and Howard grinned slightly.
“Oh, you went mad a long time ago love,” he joked and Jason jabbed him in the ribs.
“You’re not fucking funny you know,” he smirked.
“But I got you smiling at least,” Howard pointed out, seeming to be rather pleased with himself. Jason saw the pride in his eyes and he couldn’t help but love him all the more for it.
“Your favourite past time,” he suggested and Howard simply broadened his grin.
“No. My favourite past time is life, making you smile is my full time occupation,” he beamed. Jason looked up at him with smiling blue eyes.
“You’re a soppy bastard,” he said, not bothering to hide the upturned corners of his lips.
“And yet you love me,” Howard shrugged and Jason tilted his head slightly.
“Mm. And you love me too,” he shot back quickly, making Howard chuckle, pulling Jason even closer and then tugging him away from the window, peppering kisses across his skin as he guided them both backwards until they collapsed onto the sofa. Jason laughed, pressing a lingering kiss of his own against Howard’s lips before curling up against Howard’s side.
“That’s settled then...now...what were we talking about?” Howard asked him cheekily and Jason smirked, shaking his head.
“How I’m scared to death that my best friend’s going to get hurt,” he said matter-of-factly, resting his head on Howard’s shoulder. Howard nodded slowly, resting his head on top of Jason’s.
“Oh yeah, I remember now. Think I preferred the kissing to be honest,” he replied. Jason rolled his eyes affectionately.
“You would,” he sighed, but before Howard could reply, the sound of someone knocking tentatively on the front door interrupted the peace of the apartment. Jason sat up slightly, frowning then looking at Howard.
“Don’t look at me, my family always phone first,” he shrugged and Jason smiled.
“And my lot never do...so I guess that makes it my responsibility to get the door...” he sighed and Howard nodded cheekily.
“Yes, yes it does,” he agreed, laughing as Jason swatted at him on his way to the door.
***
“You never did tell me what you’re doing back here Markie,” Robbie sighed heavily as he sat down, placing two mugs on the table and avoiding Mark’s eyes.
“Coz the ‘what ifs’ drive me mad when I let them,” Mark told him honestly, looking at his hands. Robbie’s shoulders sagged and he leant his elbows on the table, rubbing his hands over his face.
“God Mark do we have to go through this?” he asked. He didn’t want to think about all the things he felt for Mark. And he definitely didn’t want to remember all things he’d put Mark through.
“Go through what Rob? Do you really hate me that much?!” Mark squeaked, looking up, trying to get Robbie to look at him, his eyes scared. Robbie jolted at the thought. His wide eyes met Mark’s in an instant and the two men froze, memories swimming in the small space between them.
“You think I hate you?” Robbie whispered. So sad, so soft. Mark felt an ache somewhere in his ribcage as he looked at those anguished eyes.
“You did leave me...I never understood why everyone expected me to face up to the end of something that neither one of us ever ended,” he murmured. Robbie’s eyes were so close to tears that the salt stung him and he closed them, bringing his hands to his face yet again.
“Oh Markie I...I loved you...I always did love you. I never hated you once...” he began.
“You never said you did. Even the times you screamed at me, you never said you hated me,” Mark acknowledged, looking distantly at the floor. Robbie peered out from behind his hands.
“Coz I never could Markie...and that’s why I never ended it. I didn’t want it to end. I was scared of ending it but I was scared of hurting you if I didn’t. So I just...went. There was so much booze down my neck...” he recalled slowly.
“And the rest,” Mark put in with a sudden note of anger that Robbie knew he deserved.
“Yeah...and the rest. I was half-dead on chemicals and shit scared of everything, of having to be a proper person...and at the time, just leaving seemed...it seemed like a really good idea,” Robbie tried to make Mark understand. His eyes were pleading wildly. And the silly thing was, Mark did understand. Maybe he was one of the only people who could.
“Do you still love me?” Mark whispered and Robbie stilled instantly. Just because he was trying to be a grown-up these days didn’t mean he liked doing it, didn’t make it easier for him to do. But the truth should probably be owned up to. Wasn’t that the mature approach?
“More than I should,” he admitted quietly. Mark smiled at him; vague and small but a smile nonetheless.
“Guess that’s what happens when you don’t have an ending...well...I suppose we did have an ending, of sorts. But it never felt that way to me,” he replied. Robbie looked at him a moment.
“So...what does that make this exactly?” he asked.
“Dunno...a different ending?” Mark suggested.
“Is that why you came here; to end it?” Robbie was tentative and nervous. Mark’s head moved oh-so-slightly. A tiny, almost imperceptible, shake of the head. His eyes were fixed on Robbie’s now.
“No...no, I never wanted it to end,” he said. Robbie’s heart froze in his chest and for a moment he let himself believe that that was ok. But it wasn’t ok. Him and Mark; such a perfect fit for the good times but never more than two steps away from a disaster. That was just how it worked.
“Mark...” Robbie began nervously and Mark could hear the doubt in his tone.
“Rob, you said it yourself, you don’t do that shit anymore...and without the drinking...without the drinking we were good,” he tried. Robbie smiled sadly.
“We were better than good Markie, we were fucking gorgeous. But the drink wasn’t our problem...it didn’t help but...but it was just part of a bigger problem, part of the running away, part of the trying not to accept life as it was...” Robbie didn’t even know what he was saying anymore. Anything to suppress his feelings, anything to make Mark walk away from him. Why couldn’t Mark see it was for his own good that he gave up on this? But Mark had always been determined. Give him one second, just take your eyes away a moment, and he will be trying turn things around, trying to make something out of nothing. That hadn’t changed. Robbie felt the pressure of Mark’s lips on his before he could make any attempt to push him away. And he was so swept up in the torrent of good memories the taste of those lips set free. Familiar and strange all at once. Other people had claimed Mark as theirs since they had last kissed like this, Robbie could tell that much. But none of them had managed to keep him, clearly, Robbie told himself. He knew he was talking himself into this and he knew he shouldn’t. Mark was leaning across the table even further now, his hands reaching up to cup Robbie’s face. Robbie felt those small, delicate fingers. And then he felt something else too; the cold dash of metal against his cheek. Someone had managed to keep him then. Robbie pulled back instantly, looking like he had just been burnt. Mark looked back at him in surprise. Robbie almost felt guilty when he saw the fear in Mark’s eyes. Mark knew what used to happen when Robbie looked like that. But no. Not now. He wasn’t like that when he was sober. Robbie frowned, rubbing his arm across his mouth, looking Mark up and down with fierce sadness.
“What’s wrong?” Mark asked him in a small voice as Robbie moved his hand up to his cheek. He could still feel the coolness where that metal had been.
“What the fuck was that Markie?” Robbie asked after a beat. Mark frowned.
“A kiss, Rob...” he stammered, confused and nervous. Robbie’s lips formed a straight line.
“Not that; the thing on your finger,” he said darkly. Mark froze, a look of alarm on his sweet, small face. A little of his hair fell in his eyes and he swallowed.
“Rob...” he began but Robbie stood up abruptly, wiping his mouth once more and turning his back to Mark. His breath was raspy and he closed his eyes in an attempt to clear his head.
“Get out Mark. Get the fuck out of here, out of London and out of my head,” he muttered sternly and Mark stood slowly, crossing the room and, after one last look back at Robbie, he let the door bang shut behind him.
***
Jason had not expected Emily Chappell’s wide, pale face to greet him when he pulled open the door and it took him a moment or two to process the information. It was strange but time had failed to dilute his memory of her tight grip on his arms and as he looked at her he could almost feel those bruises ache, though they were long healed. She looked no different to how she had looked that night; pale and fragile and lost. He couldn’t stop the queasy sensation in the pit of his stomach. It was a lot to be forced to remember so suddenly. The feel of her nails on his skin and the claustrophobic closeness of the two of them in that room. Jason tensed slightly as he saw her. It was an instinctive reaction and before Jason even realised his muscles had flinched, Howard was up and across the room, coming to stand behind him. Jason tightened his grip on the door and swallowed, grateful of Howard’s instant protection; his gentle hand pressing into the small of his back.
“Emily?” Howard asked slowly, breaking the uneasy silence that had settled between the three of them. It was a pointless question, all three of them knew who she was. But all three of them seemed a little astonished by her presence. Emily, who had been shifting nervously from foot to foot, pulled her coat around her a little tighter, shaking her head timidly and taking a step back.
“I should...I should go...I don’t know why I...” she stammered, turning to leave. Howard almost jumped when Jason took a step after her, unable to stop his heart’s violent jerk against his ribcage.
“Emily wait,” Jason said softly. Emily stopped instantly. Howard wasn’t sure if she did so because of the concern in Jason’s tone or because of her surprise at hearing him, of all people, asking her to stay. She glanced back at him, wide-eyed, glancing beyond him into the apartment and meeting Howard’s eyes before swallowing and looking down at her feet.
“I just...I didn’t really have any reason to be here...you don’t have to...look, I’ll go, I shouldn’t be round here anyway...” she tried to brush off their stares, moving to go once more. But Howard could see a growing firmness to his husband’s stance. And he recognised the way Jason tilted his head. There would be no getting away from Jason when he set his mind to you that way.
“Emily, there’s people looking for you,” Jason told her gently. Emily let out a small, sad laugh.
“God, why? What do they think I’m going to...oh...they think I’m going to...Jesus Em, how much more of a nut-job could you be? They think I’m going to come back for you, don’t they...you must’ve thought...” she trailed off, shaking her head and looking as though she was about to cry.
“We didn’t actually,” Howard put in softly.
“I think they’re more worried about what you might do to yourself than me,” Jason added, his voice extremely quiet. Emily couldn’t look at either of them, busying herself with trying not to cry.
“I should still go,” she told them, taking another small step back.
“Emily,” Jason pressed and Emily finally looked up to meet his eyes. When Jason took another slight step forwards Howard’s heart leapt again. But Emily seemed to freeze. It wasn’t his step towards her that had her looking at him in amazement, it was the hand he offered her. Howard noticed it too and he couldn’t help but smile slightly, though what exactly he was smiling about he couldn’t be sure. Perhaps it was pride that he was married to someone who was capable of that. Someone who, despite all the fear and the hurt and the stress associated with offering his hand to this woman, would hold out his hand to her again.
“Why should I be allowed to take your hand? How can you even trust me?” Emily murmured and Jason smiled slightly.
“I don’t know really, I just do,” he told her honestly. She shook her head.
“How can you be sure I won’t do it this time too? Go crazy on you?” she frowned, strands of blonde hair falling into her eyes. Jason’s eyes shone slightly.
“Coz this time I’ve got Howard standing behind me...thus making me pretty fucking invincible right now,” he smiled. Howard felt the pride come over him again and it was all he could do to stop himself puffing his chest out or draping his arm around Jason’s shoulders. Emily seemed to see that as she looked between the two of them and she almost broke a smile herself. She bit her lip and took a tentative step forwards. Gently, slowly, she placed her hand in his and they paused like that a moment. Howard supposed each was waiting for the other to break down.
“Do you want to come in?” Howard asked her and Emily nodded dumbly, letting Jason tug her in the right direction.
As Emily was ushered into their apartment, Jason turned to Howard, a crease in his brow.
“Love, she’s frozen...put some of that soup from the fridge in the microwave for her,” he said softly, directing Emily towards the sofa.
“Isn’t that...aiding and abetting or...something?” Howard frowned and Jason glanced up at him with a warm yet warning smile before settling himself and Emily on the sofa.
Even from the kitchen, Howard couldn’t fight his instinctively defensive stance. Seeing Jason sitting so close to Emily confused and frightened him in equal measure. It wasn’t something he had let him mind dwell on too long; the idea that in some weird, twisted way, she had had a life with Jason. There was something too close to a stamp of ownership there that made his jealous streak prickle. He kept his wary gaze trained on them. Jason hardly seemed aware of the way he curled himself up protectively, his arms wrapped tightly around his knees. But Howard noticed and it made him uneasy. Not that he could truly blame Emily for what had happened. His rational side reminded him that she was not the same person that had put him and Jason through all that hell, not really. And he couldn’t deny he felt a certain amount of sympathy for her – if he lost Jason the way she had lost her husband, he probably would have gone mad too. And, of course, he couldn’t let himself forget that Emily had put him and Jason back together twice.
After a minute passed Jason lifted his chin from his knees, his eyes thoughtful and distant.
“I never got to say thank you to you,” he said quietly. Howard looked up from what he was doing, looking over at Jason and Emily with interest. Emily herself took a moment to realise he was even talking to her and she blinked, looking across at Jason in surprise.
“Me? W..why in God’s name would you ever thank me?!” she laughed uneasily. Jason smiled slightly, his eyes suddenly sparkling in a way that calmed Howard’s nerves. Howard paused a moment, watching Jason silently, and Emily looked up, tentatively meeting Jason’s eyes, glancing between the two of them and then looking down once more.
“For the thing I’m always thankful for; still being with Howard,” Jason said softly. Howard smiled slightly, his and Jason’s eyes meeting above Emily’s bowed head.
“I didn’t exactly help with that,” Emily mumbled, studying her hands. Jason’s eyes finally left Howard’s as he rested his chin back on his knees and cast his gaze to Emily.
“You gave me back to him,” he reminded her gently.
“After I’d tried to make you mine,” she shot back quickly.
“But you still recognised I’m not anyone’s other than his,” Jason smiled. Howard looked up at that, a smile gracing his lips too. He supposed it was something he knew, something that went unsaid between them. Jason wouldn’t let anyone have control over him, control was quite a big thing to him, something he needed to feel he had. But he let Howard have charge of him entirely. And every now and again the importance of that fact would catch up with Howard and take him by surprise. Every time he would be just as proud as the last.
“I recognised it a bit late though,” Emily’s voice brought Howard’s attention back and he swallowed his smile, turning back to the task at hand and retrieving a bowl from the cupboard behind him.
“You remembered it when Howard didn’t though,” Jason challenged. Finally Emily looked up at him, studying his face for a moment or two before she spoke.
“You’re something else, you know that,” she murmured, her blue eyes still teary but her voice steadier now. Howard chuckled softly, coming over to join them, handing Emily her soup and sitting himself down on the arm of the sofa.
“So I keep telling him,” he said and Emily raised a small smile.
“Does he ever listen?” she asked, her tone tentatively teasing and Howard shook his head.
“Not to me he doesn’t,” he shrugged.
“Only to you, actually,” Jason said quietly, bringing Howard’s eyes to his. Emily looked down then, eyeing the soup with uncertainty.
“I can’t let you...” she began but Jason shook his head.
“I’m not having you pass out on me, just eat it,” he told her firmly and Emily nodded.
After they had let Emily sip a few spoonfuls of soup in peace, Howard took a breath and finally asked the question he’d been dying to ask since he’d seen her at their door.
“What on earth are you even doing here Emily?” he sighed. His voice was still gentle and, as nervous as Emily felt, she hardly flinched at the question.
“I didn’t come here right away you know...I tried to...I tried to go other places but...this building is still so safe to me. It’s the last place where my life was..where anything was...ok,” she replied in a whisper. Jason’s blue eyes were understanding but she still couldn’t look at him or Howard.
“Why to us?” Howard ventured and Emily laughed an empty sort of a laugh.
“I don’t know...I wish I could give you a great reason, a reason that could justify you being so kind to me but I...I just don’t know,” she sighed.
“You don’t have to justify it Emily,” Jason assured her and she looked up.
“Why are you so nice to me when all I did was...was scar you for life?” she asked, a confused smile gracing her delicate features.
“You didn’t Emily...well...one scar maybe but...” Jason frowned.
“What?” Emily breathed. Slowly Jason unfolded himself, taking one arm from around his knees and holding out his palm. Howard’s blue eyes fixed on Jason’s as he did so. It was true, the only visible sign left of what he and Jason had been through was that one tiny mark on Jason’s skin; the palest of white lines across his palm where Jason’s hand had been badly cut as Emily had pulled him through her door. Howard would often kiss that scar. He would take Jason’s hand in his and place a wordless kiss to his palm. It was his way of letting Jason know when he was worried or scared, his way of showing Jason he needed him. It was a silent understanding between them. Emily swallowed and looked away, shaking her head.
“I don’t know how you can let me in here,” she said.
“I’ve told you why,” Jason replied. Emily smiled slightly.
“How do you know I won’t go mad on you and hurt you again?” she demanded.
“He’s told you that too,” Howard smiled, pointing to himself. Jason rolled his eyes affectionately and Emily laughed softly, shaking her head yet again.
“You should both hate me,” she told them firmly.
“Well we don’t,” Jason sighed. For a moment the three of them fell silent. Then something occurred to Howard and he looked down at his hands, unsure if he ought to ask.
“Did it have to be Jay? Or would anyone have done?” he asked slowly. Emily glanced up at him.
“It’s only for you that is has to be Jay,” she admitted after a beat.
“Meaning you’re not back here coz of him then...which begs the question; why have you run away at all? I mean...if there’s nothing you’re chasing, no unfinished business or anything then...then why did you have to escape? And how did you even manage it?!” Howard pressed.
“Believe it or not I’m not the craziest person they deal with...it’s always easier for them to trust me after some of the people they’ve had in their care...you’d be surprised how easy it was really,” Emily smiled faintly.
“That still leaves the why,” Jason reminded her tentatively. It took Emily a long time to reply to that and Howard and Jason watched her in silence as she took a shaky breath.
“They wanted me to go to his grave...they wanted me to...they...” Emily whispered, a tear rolling down her cheek. Jason knew enough about psychology to guess their reasoning.
“Is it the last part of your treatment?” he asked her softly.
“Yes,” she nodded, sniffing and closing her eyes.
“They think you need to say goodbye before you can go back to normal life again,” he said.
“Normal life isn’t possible without him,” Emily muttered a little defensively. Jason pursed his lips, looking a little uncertainly at Emily before he spoke.
“Emily if...if anyone would have done when you came here that night, if all you really needed was to find a way of making life normal again...then maybe, in your own way, you were already trying to move on,” he suggested gently.
“No,” Emily said, but she didn’t look at him as she spoke. Instead she broke down into steady, silent tears.
For a few moments they let her cry, then Jason looked up at Howard.
“Howard, I think maybe you should phone Anna,” he said quietly and Howard tensed.
“Why? You don’t need counselling do you?!” he asked, unable to stop his concern for Jason from creeping into his voice. Jason smiled at him, hearing his fear and appreciating the love behind it.
“No, love. But Anna will know who to notify,” Jason replied, steady-voiced. Howard almost laughed at his own over-protectiveness, letting out a breath and pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Of course, I’ll go do that...will you be ok if I go in the other room?” he sighed.
“I think so,” Jason nodded and Howard stood up, walking across to Jason and placing a tender kiss to the top of his head before turning and leaving to get his phone.
***
Mark stepped cautiously in through the door, wincing to himself as though he suspected Gary to be about to raise his voice. Gary should raise his voice, Mark mused briefly. Maybe if he knew he would. But instead he just stood at the window, silently refusing to acknowledge Mark’s return. Mark took a deep breath, his hands moving to untie his scarf, his eyes fixed on the back of Gary’s head.
“Where the hell have you been Mark?! I was getting worried!” Gary muttered at last, still refusing to turn around. Mark looked at his hands, quickly forgetting the uncomfortable warmth of his scarf and instead squirming under the discomfort of knowing he couldn’t tell Gary where he had gone.
“Sorry Gary I...I just went for a walk...I needed to think about...things...” he stammered slowly. It wasn’t a lie. He had walked to the pub. And when he had arrived there he had thought very hard about all manner of things. Mostly Robbie, but what Gary didn’t know needn’t hurt him.
“Yeah...I’ve been thinking too...” Gary nodded, finally turning around. His voice was softer now and his eyes were so gentle when they met with Mark’s that, for a moment, Mark forgot Robbie altogether. Those eyes were the sort of blue that persistently gleamed, as if there were some hidden fire within him that could easily be overlooked as it was buried behind so many layers of quiet safety. Mark loved that.
“Thinking about what exactly?” Mark asked him half-heartedly, still too lost in his own head to really know what he was saying. Gary bit his lip and moved away from the window, sitting himself down on the bed and rubbing his hand across his forehead.
“About all the times I have faced this exact same choice and...and not chosen the way I’m choosing now,” he sighed. Mark frowned, coming to sit next to him and placing a soft hand on his arm.
“What do you mean?” he asked and Gary looked up at him with a sad smile.
“I mean...I’ve been here before. The choice between what I’ve always wanted and what I discovered by accident...” he began.
“You’re having second thoughts about today?!” Mark interrupted, eyes wide. Gary nodded and looked away.
“When Jay said he wasn’t sure it would be good for me in the long run...I didn’t want to pay any attention to him but...but in the twenty odd years I’ve known him I’ve learnt that it’s usually a good idea to pay attention to him. And this morning I...I let myself really think about it. And I think he might be right,” he explained quietly to the skirting. Mark pursed his lips and squeezed Gary’s arm gently. Gary still didn’t look back at him.
“Why?” Mark pressed after a moment.
“Because...well, think about it Mark...you couldn’t even speak to me about...about Robbie. You didn’t think that the two of us were strong enough for that pressure and you felt you couldn’t talk to me...if you can’t even talk to me about that now, what makes us think we could cope with all the pressure that trying to make it in this industry would add?! And without Jason and Howard to share the strain?! It’s...it’s not good for us Markie. And I’ve realised, for the thousandth time in my life, that ‘us’ is more important to me than making it,” Gary told him softly, slowly bringing his eyes up to meet Mark’s. His expression was so plaintive and so loving. Mark rested his head on Gary’s shoulder.
“Won’t you go mad without it though? It’s been your dream forever...” he whispered. Gary swallowed and closed his eyes a moment.
“I could look into songwriting...my music would be recognised that way...and there’s less pressure behind the scenes. And Jay and Howard will still take pub gigs...they’re both born show offs, that hasn’t changed no matter how much more in love with each other they’ve fallen,” he chuckled slightly and Mark smiled too. Silence fell on them and Mark thought over what Gary had said. Robbie had said get out of London. Maybe he should. Get out of it all, get as far away as possible. Not just because Robbie had told him to, but because there was so much less temptation when his other life was so far away.
“So...are you going to call Jonathan, or should I?” he breathed out at last and Gary laughed softly.
“For leavening without telling me where you were going? That pleasure can be all yours,” he replied.
***
Howard came into their bedroom quietly, pausing in the doorway to watch his husband. The apartment was finally returned to him and Jason, all disruption dealt with. But Howard couldn’t help but feel that, whilst the disruption had gone, its effect on Jason was still very much present. Jason seemed to sense Howard’s arrival and he turned, ever-so-slightly, towards the door, though he didn’t look over at Howard. He looked so strangely fragile. Howard may have a constant urge to protect Jason, but Jason was far from breakable. And yet, in that moment, framed by the grey light that streamed in through the bedroom windows, he did look very broken. Lost, somehow. He was, of course, so unnervingly thin and still and, with his arms wrapped around himself, he looked for all the world like he was about to collapse.
Moving round the bed, Howard came up behind him, tentatively brushing a finger along his neck, looking out of the window over his shoulder.
“Finally cleared ‘em all out. Anna took the most persuading,” he murmured. Jason smiled slightly.
“Let me guess...she wants me to call her?” he sighed and Howard nodded, placing a quiet kiss to the point on Jason’s neck that his fingertips had just left. Jason leant into him slightly.
“I told her you wouldn’t,” Howard said, leaning his forehead against Jason’s hair. He closed his eyes a moment, his fingers resting lightly on the other side of Jason’s neck, just touching his ear. Jason allowed his touch to linger there before turning his head slightly and looking up into Howard’s eyes.
“Thank you,” Jason said softly, holding Howard’s gaze. They both knew that thanks went a great deal further than the events of that one day, but neither one of them needed it to be said.
“Jay,” Howard whispered, gently, firmly. His eyes were bright as they studied Jason’s face.
“It’s fine, Howard. I’m fine,” Jason tried to sound convincing, but even his best acting wouldn’t have fooled Howard, that he knew. Because Howard understood him in ways Jason wasn’t even sure he understood himself. Howard cupped Jason’s face in his hands.
“Jay; it’s me you’re talking to,” he pressed, looking into Jason’s eyes, his thumbs now brushing Jason’s temples. Jason could feel the ridges of his fingerprints and somewhere in his head he recognised their lines and he allowed himself to be lost to them, a single tear tracing a path across his cheek. Jason closed his eyes and Howard watched him for a moment before pressing a silent kiss to the tear. Its salt stung his lips a little but he didn’t care. Jason opened his eyes and looked at Howard a while before finally letting more tears follow. Howard wrapped his arms gently around Jason’s thin frame, stroking his hair and sitting down on the bed. Jason didn’t shake with sobs or break down in hysteria. He just cried quietly into Howard’s shoulder.
After a little while, Howard pulled back and looked down into Jason’s face.
“Do you even know what you’re crying for?” he asked him tentatively, brushing the back of his hand along Jason’s damp cheek.
“Not really,” Jason admitted and Howard smiled sympathetically, pressing a brief kiss to his temple and bringing a faint smile to Jason’s lips.
“You want to know something I never told you before?” Howard asked him quietly.
“Ok,” Jason sniffed. Howard glanced down at his hands then looked back into Jason’s eyes, one hand resting gently on Jason’s neck.
“You remember when you gave your family that bollocking for how they treated me?” he said. Jason laughed softly, nodding.
“They needed it,” he pointed out and Howard grinned.
“They had their reasons,” he countered.
“They still needed it,” Jason assured him with another sniff.
“Thank you,” Howard smiled quietly.
“Go on,” Jason prompted him.
“Your dad hunted me down that day,” Howard continued, his thumbprints scratching gently along Jason’s skin once more. Jason’s blue eyes shone slightly beyond the tears.
“My dad never hunts anyone down normally,” he remarked and Howard smiled.
“No...but he found me that day. And do you know what he told me? Well, after he said I’d been right and you were right, he said...he said ‘My son doesn’t always know why something isn’t right. He just knows that something isn’t right. But I think you might just be the first person to come along who can tell him the whys and workings of the thing’ –and he said he’d trust me from then on, as long as I promised that was true,” he explained, taking Jason’s face in his hands once more, his thumbs now moving to the corners of Jason’s eyes, pressing them lightly to stem the flow of tears. Jason looked back at him for a drawn out moment, a smile lingering somewhere in their blue.
“ So; why is it not right?” he let out at last. Howard leant their foreheads together.
“Because you need to know where the escape routes are. And to be able to say ‘Done’ when you feel something’s over. And Emily Chappell is one of the few people in this world who has put you in a place where that’s not possible and you will never be comfortable with that, it’s just not who you are,” he said slowly. Jason smiled slightly.
“What about you though?” he pointed out and Howard smiled back at him. He leant back a little, taking Jason’s hand in his own and, without breaking their shared gaze, he gently pulled the wedding ring from Jason’s finger. The only band of ownership Jason allowed. It slid reluctantly from his finger and Howard placed it in the palm of his hand.
“There’s your escape route,” he whispered.
“Give that back, I don’t need to escape you,” Jason frowned, taking the ring from Howard’s palm and returning it to his finger. Howard smiled at him.
“Well in that case; you just answered your own question,” he pointed out and Jason paused, looking up at him with a mildly incredulous smile. It was his turn to brush the lines of his fingerprints across Howard’s skin.
“I love you,” he sighed, as tired of Howard winning arguments as he was impressed by the sentiment. Howard grinned back at him, pressing a brief kiss to his lips.
“Good,” he chuckled and Jason rolled his eyes.
“So fucking full of yourself,” he murmured, his eyes glinting, eyelashes damp but tears gone.
“Do you or do you not feel better though?!” Howard shrugged and Jason simply narrowed his eyes before pulling Howard’s lips down against his own.
“Say you love me too,” he mumbled into the kiss.
“You love me too,” Howard repeated and Jason groaned slightly.
“Close enough,” he sighed, giving up and letting Howard pull him deeper into the kiss.
***
It was the Britannia Stadium, glowing a triumphant red and white into the cold night air, that first made Mark realise where they were. As the train sped past it, Mark just had time to make out the bundled-up fans trekking up the hill towards it before it blurred out of sight once more. But Mark’s thoughts had already been turned back to Stoke-On-Trent, and he sat up a little in his seat as the train pulled into Stoke Station. He studied the faces on the platform, his eyes scanning across the ‘Stoke-On-Trent’ signs as if he hoped to find some trace of Robbie written into them. He would have given up if some locals hadn’t appeared in their carriage – red-cheeked and jovial and speaking in that all-too-familiar accent. Robbie had never really lost his accent. He’d picked up a Mancunian edge to it, perhaps, but it was still uniquely Stokie. Mark suddenly realised how much he had missed hearing it. The men tumbled into the seats behind him, swearing at each other amicably and calling each other ‘Duck’. Mark smiled because he remembered Robbie calling him ‘Duck’ once. When they first met. They’d only got talking because Mark had picked him up on it. It’s a local trait where I’m from, Robbie had told him. When Mark had asked where exactly that was Robbie had grimaced. Stoke, as he had introduced it, was a bit rubbish around the edges; hated and berated and looked down upon. But, and this was the line that had secured Mark’s interest, ultimately it was as warm a place as you would ever find, warmer than any other city for sure. Mark had taken that comment to heart. Mark had never been to Stoke, except in a passing train, but he took Robbie as an emblem of it. He was a bit rough around the edges, a bit wrong, a bit barbed. But had he ever met anyone as warm as him? He wasn’t so sure. He looked guiltily across at Gary, whose head was still buried in his newspaper. Maybe Gary was. Maybe Gary was warmer, he was certainly more obviously warm. But maybe, Mark sighed, that was exactly the problem. Did a part of him love Robbie because it was so hard for anyone else to love him?
Chapter Nine
Howard groaned slightly, turning over in the bed and squinting against the early-morning light. As his eyes adjusted he glanced over to the other side of the bed where Jason lay sleeping. It wasn’t often that Howard woke before his husband and he took a moment to watch his chest rising and falling steadily, his head tipped ever-so-slightly towards Howard. The bedding had been discarded at some point in the night and the duvet and sheets were tangled just below Jason’s waist revealing his narrow hips and flat stomach. Howard’s eyes glimmered and he pushed himself up from his own pillow, edging over to Jason’s side of the bed. He placed his hands either side of Jason’s slim form, a mischievous look darting across his features as he bent to press a kiss to the flash of hip-bone left exposed by Jason’s pyjama bottoms.
“Howard, we have to open the shop today,” Jason reminded him without opening his eyes and Howard couldn’t help but chuckle. Of course he wasn’t the first awake.
“Calm down, it was just a kiss,” he teased, pressing another kiss to Jason’s stomach. Jason let out a small whimper, but he still didn’t open his eyes and Howard grinned, bending once more to press a kiss to the slight concave of Jason’s chest, then another to his shoulder, his jaw and finally his lips. As Howard pulled back Jason finally opened his eyes, which shone brightly through the haze of sleep.
“I mean it, we have to open up,” he smirked and Howard pouted back at him.
“Why do we have to? I thought Gaz and Mark had had an epiphany?!” he sighed, propping himself up on his elbow, his other arm snaking slowly around Jason’s middle.
“Howard,” Jason groaned warningly as Howard gave his temple a kiss.
“What?!” Howard tried to sound innocent but Jason shot him a bright blue look.
“You know what,” he smiled.
“You’re the one who jumped to conclusions,” Howard shot back, studying Jason’s face intently.
“Oh, so you always say ‘Good Morning’ to people that way do you?” Jason questioned him and Howard laughed, kissing Jason’s forehead for good measure as Jason closed his eyes.
After lying in silence a moment Howard brushed his fingers lightly down Jason’s cheek and sighed.
“Are you ok?” he asked quietly, seriously. Jason’s eyes opened immediately, meeting his gaze.
“You know I am,” Jason replied softly after a beat. Howard smiled slightly because it was true. He could see it in Jason’s eyes. Yesterday was over now.
“Just checking,” he shrugged, his fingers brushing gently at the strands of hair on Jason’s forehead.
“Yesterday was...a wobble,” Jason admitted slowly and Howard gave him a lopsided smile.
“A wobble?” he repeated, raising an eyebrow.
“Yes. And it’s over,” Jason told him. Howard nodded thoughtfully, rubbing his thumb absently across Jason’s stomach, looking down a moment before meeting Jason’s eyes again.
“Ok, love. I believe you. Just promise me you know I’m here, when you need me to be,” he pressed. Jason pushed himself up slightly, cupping Howard’s cheek in his hand and giving him a brief kiss.
“Howard, open your eyes; of course I know,” he said gently and Howard smiled back.
“Just...” he began and Jason rolled his eyes, finishing his sentence for him.
“Checking? I know, you’re always checking up on me Howard Donald. It would be annoying...if I didn’t love you. But right now? You really have to put me down love coz I’m going for my shower,” he smirked, his eyes flashing up to meet Howard’s. Howard’s grin simply broadened.
“You know it would save time if...” Howard was cut off mid-sentence once more.
“Howard,” Jason warned him, eyes narrowed.
“What?! You don’t know what I was going to say yet!” Howard protested with a smirk.
“Oh I know. And no, having our showers at the same time would not save time Howard – in my experience it usually makes us even later,” Jason reminded him, eyes dancing.
“You say that, but I seem to remember not caring that much...and I don’t just mean me,” he pointed out, making Jason shake his head despairingly.
“What’s gotten into you this morning?!” he demanded and Howard shrugged.
“You look fucking gorgeous this morning,” he said simply.
“You should put that to music, it’s beautiful,” Jason deadpanned teasingly, trying to ease himself free of Howard’s grip.
“See, I know you love it when I get all poetic on you,” Howard shot back lightly and Jason laughed.
“I’m getting up now,” he replied determinedly.
“Oh please Jay, stay in bed with me just a little bit longer. I’ll keep my hands by my sides,” Howard pouted as Jason pushed himself up.
“It’s your lips I’m more worried about,” Jason laughed, moving around the room to get his clothes for the day. Howard watched him from the bed, eyes still glinting.
“Will you come back to bed if I tell you you’re fucking gorgeous again?” he asked hopefully. Jason paused in the doorway, turning slowly and looking his husband in the eye.
“Why would I do that exactly?” he asked. For a moment Howard saw something in his eyes and he wondered what his husband was up to.
“Coz I’m in here...and I think you’re fucking gorgeous,” Howard tried slowly. Jason suppressed a smile and folded his eyes, fixing his piercing eyes slowly onto Howard’s.
“Howard, love, listen to me very carefully. Since you seem so keen on the idea, you can stay in bed all day if you want to. Or you can get up and start your day and come to the shop with me. The choice is yours. But I am going for my shower right now regardless, ok?” he said levelly before turning and heading towards the bathroom. Howard paused a moment frowning, trying to find any hint he could pounce on. And then a thought occurred to him.
“What happens if you forget to lock the door?” Howard called after Jason.
“Then you would win,” Jason called back casually and Howard grinned.
“I always win,” he murmured to himself, springing from the bed and hurrying after his husband.
***
Jason laughed softly as Howard bounded around the car, coming up behind him and taking his hand into his own. He glanced up at Howard’s grinning face and shook his head.
“What is with you today?” he asked with an affectionate smile. Howard could only grin wider.
“I’m just...happy,” he shrugged, bringing Jason’s hand up to his lips and pressing a kiss to the back of it, drawing Jason’s eyes to his immediately.
“I’d noticed,” he smiled.
“Well that just makes me even happier,” Howard replied, pressing a quick kiss to Jason’s cheek.
“Why’s that then?” Jason asked him, head to one side. Without slowing their pace Howard leant into Jason slightly, holding his hand a little tighter.
“Coz it means I’m doing something right,” he winked playfully, just as they arrived at the door to the shop. Jason’s eyes gleamed but he didn’t reply, instead shooting Howard a sidelong glance before pushing open the shop door.
“What time do you call this?!” Gary demanded as Jason and Howard came into the shop, though he said the words through a jovial smile.
“Sorry...problems with...um...shower,” Jason muttered, suppressing a smile and looking at the floor. Howard grinned unashamedly.
“Only problem is it’s too fucking small,” he whispered and Jason sucked in a sharp breath, elbowing Howard in the stomach whilst smiling sweetly at an unaware Gary.
“Where’s Mark this morning?” he asked, glancing back to make sure Howard wasn’t too winded.
“In the back getting me a brew – consoling me as best he can,” Gary sighed.
“Ah, you talking about last night’s result I take it?” Jason chuckled and Howard, still rubbing slightly at his stomach, laughed and crossed the floor to join them.
“It’s one thing to lose, Gaz mate, but your lads were flattened,” he added. Gary winced.
“Alright, alright; remind me why I came back to this hideous existence with you pair?!” he sighed dramatically. Howard wrapped an arm around Jason’s middle and rested his chin on his shoulder, kissing his neck.
“Coz we’re irresistible,” he suggested and Gary wrinkled his nose.
“I have a horrible feeling that, somehow, just then, I got caught in the middle of you drooling over your husband...” he groaned and Jason laughed, his head tipping back briefly against Howard, making Howard’s eyes flare an even brighter blue.
“Ignore him; he might be nice to look at but there’s nothing going on upstairs,” he assured Gary. Howard simply raised his eyebrows, nudging his nose against Jason’s cheek and giving him another quick kiss.
“You weren’t complaining this mo...” Howard began but Jason swiftly elbowed him in the stomach once more.
“You’re right though, it’s not just the losing that bothers me. It’s not even the losing to Stoke...” Gary said, determinedly changing the subject as he looked absently into middle distance.
“They get bad press but they’re a strangely likeable lot,” Jason mused.
“You weren’t saying that when your lads couldn’t beat ‘em,” Howard smirked, his arm winding tighter around Jason’s middle to prevent him from elbowing him a third time.
“My husband is using his best smug face right now because he knows that, of the three of us, he is the only one whose team haven’t conceded a single point to them,” Jason sighed and Gary looked up at them both with a slight chuckle.
“Lucky for some,” he smiled.
At that moment Mark returned with two mugs of tea in his hands.
“Mornin’ Jay, Howard – he still grumbling about the match?” he asked, handing one of the mugs to Gary then sitting himself down on the steps at Gary’s feet.
“When Stoke walks all over Liverpool, it walks all over Gary too,” Jason mused jokily. Gary chuckled but Mark froze. His mug hovered halfway to his lips and his brow creased.
“Stoke didn’t...I mean...it was...Stoke aren’t...” he stammered. Jason frowned.
“You ok Markie?” he asked gently and Mark blinked, looking up at him with wide eyes.
“Fine...fine...I just...well, it’s nothing. Anyway, it’s all just a game, right?” he mumbled, taking a gulp of his tea and avoiding Jason’s eyes, which were now narrowed at him in scrutiny.
“It’s alright Markie, Stoke haven’t ground us down too much. Flattened us, yes. Ground us down...well, it’s a long season,” Gary told him and Mark closed his eyes.
“No. Stoke haven’t ground us down,” he repeated softly. Only Jason thought to make the connection. Mark could tell he’d worked it out. The significance of it all in Mark’s head. But he didn’t say anything and for that Mark was grateful, even if he was still subjected to Jason’s beady blue stare.
***
He stepped down onto the platform and he stopped dead. Several commuters clattered into him, eyeing him darkly out of the corner of their eyes before moving on. He didn’t notice. He was too busy taking in the air. He remembered it. The feel of Manchester. It had become little more than a faded old photograph at the back of his mind but, at the sound of his shoes scraping slightly against the platform, the colour began to seep back in. Places, plenty of places. Streets, bars, mates’ flats he’d crashed in. This was the city he’d done more growing up in than his own hometown. Although he had been too young to be trying to grow up. And, looking at it now, he couldn’t help but feel maybe he hadn’t really grown up at all. He’d just learnt a lot of things that a kid shouldn’t.
He fished a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket and tried to decipher the writing. He knew the street, it was only a fifteen minute walk away. Funny the detail with which he could recall it all. But, then again, he supposed it wasn’t half as long ago as it felt. He could come up with all sorts of clichés. About how it felt like a different lifetime, a different person, a different world. But, as long ago as it all seemed to have been, it still somehow felt very close to home, very close to him and to his heart. He was breathing the same air now as he had done then. And he was so close to changing the purpose of his coming here, to making it his movie scene. You know, the bit where the hero comes in with his dramatic declarations, sweeping his love up into his arms. But who would that be fair on exactly? No one. Not even himself, in the long run. Because he was all too aware of his weaknesses now. That self-knowledge he had now that he hadn’t had last time he was here stopped any sweeping gestures spilling out of his head and into the real world. This was life. He knew that now.
***
The place had a warmth about it that Robbie wished he could take for his own. He couldn’t say for sure what it was that made it that way. There were mug-rings on the uneven wood of the stairs. An impressive-looking drum kit bore a post-it stating ‘Reserved for Donovan. Hands OFF Howard!!!’ whilst a guitar bore, what Robbie presumed to be, the retort of ‘Clean me please Jason!!!’. There were even handwritten signs stuck up on one wall offering lessons in piano, guitar and drums. Robbie recognised Mark’s handwriting on the piano sign; ‘Gary is very good!’ followed by a slightly wonky heart. At first Robbie thought the place was empty, but then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw someone in the side room.
He took a deep breath as he moved across floorboards, which were complaining loudly under his weight. If he was honest he had to admit that he was petrified of doing this. Scared of saying it. Scared that when he saw Mark he wouldn’t say it. He shifted awkwardly from foot to foot as the man in front of him leant slightly on the counter, turning a page of his magazine before slowly looking up at him. Robbie was ready to run the moment he recognised that face.
“I was...I just...you know what, I shouldn’t be here, I should go, I should...” he stammered. Jason quirked his lips slightly in an expression Robbie couldn’t read.
“It’s fine, seriously,” he shrugged and Robbie frowned.
“But I...but you...I...I should go...” he seemed to have lost the ability to form full sentences but Jason’s blue eyes scanned him up and down and he couldn’t help but relax slightly. He could have sworn there was sympathy there.
“Look, as long as you keep the bookcases from landing on me and stay out of sight of my husband, it’s fine,” Jason told him with a kind smile. Robbie raised an eyebrow.
“Husband? So er...you married the guy who nearly punched my lights out then?” he asked nervously, wringing his hands and still shifting back and forth on his feet. Jason’s smile broadened.
“Mm, that sounds like Howard. I take it he made quite the impression on you,” he chuckled.
“I don’t blame him,” Robbie quickly assured the grinning Jason.
“Howard is my personal bodyguard – I get a paper cut, he tears up that piece of paper and throws it, at speed, into the nearest bin,” Jason explained and Robbie laughed softly.
“Sounds nice,” he sighed thoughtfully.
“It’s why he’s now my husband and not still just some guy who nearly punched you in the face once,” Jason nodded and Robbie looked up at him slowly.
“Sounds like you made a good choice,” he murmured. Jason watched him a moment and Robbie hoped he didn’t imagine the note of kindness he detected in that look.
“Mark went down the caff with Gaz about ten minutes ago...I’ve got to hold the fort here but...Howard could take you there, if you want,” Jason said at last.
“Howard? Howard your husband Howard?!” Robbie asked uncertainly, making Jason laugh.
“Relax, he’s protective not insane...Howard! Could you come here a sec?” he called. Robbie bit his lip. He’d been punched by enough people in his life to know it hurt and, with his head already spinning, he wasn’t sure he was quite up for that amount of pain. He was vaguely aware of Jason’s amused smile as he winced, he was more aware of the approaching footsteps.
Howard spotted Robbie instantly and his whole body tensed. He looked between Robbie and Jason with his eyes narrowed but Jason was quick to shoot him a beseeching look.
“Play nice love,” he said gently and Robbie noticed the way Howard instantly relaxed – albeit not completely. He risked a glance in Howard’s direction and nodded an awkward hello.
“What’s he doing here?” Howard asked Jason, pointedly ignoring Robbie. His voice was worryingly stern and Robbie winced yet again. Jason rolled his eyes and turned to Robbie
“I promise you, when I say ‘play nice’ to my siblings they still take me seriously enough to listen. Evidently my husband is less well trained,” he sighed overdramatically. Robbie couldn’t avoid smiling. And, to Robbie’s relief, Howard couldn’t either.
“Seriously love,” Howard grumbled, still reluctant to acknowledge Robbie’s presence but visibly softening at his husband’s coaxing.
“Seriously? I didn’t actually ask him. But from the look on his face I think he might finally be about to tell Mark that their relationship’s over,” Jason replied quietly and Robbie looked up at him in surprise. Howard caught Robbie’s expression and smiled slightly.
“My husband can play guitar, break dance, make all-curing herbal teas and soups and, as a side-project, he reads minds,” he explained, raising a laugh from Robbie. Jason pursed his lips.
“Can I trust you to take him to the caff without killing him?” he asked and Howard shrugged.
“As long as he can be trusted not to kill you with furniture,” he nodded.
“Good, that’s settled then. And love? Go easy on him. It’s not nice ending a relationship,” Jason instructed him softly.
“They were over years ago,” Howard protested.
“I wish it was that simple,” Robbie whispered, hardly realising he’d spoken until he saw Jason and Howard looking at him with matching blue gazes.
“Go on, quick, before Mark’s shift starts,” Jason chivvied Howard gently and Robbie smiled at him gratefully before following Howard out of the shop door.
Chapter Ten
Robbie shoved his hands into his pockets, unsure of how to act around Howard. The man seemed to be, quite rightly, defensive of Jason. But he also seemed to be more than a little bit under Jason’s spell and, for reasons Robbie couldn’t fathom, Jason was on his side. Robbie took a deep breath and ventured conversation.
“I love your husband you know,” he tried quietly. Howard arched an eyebrow at him, though, to Robbie’s amusement, he looked like he was used to people saying it.
“Yeah? I might just have to go back on my promise about not killing you then,” he countered.
“You wouldn’t do that though,” Robbie smiled.
“Why?” Howard frowned.
“You would never break a promise to him,” Robbie replied and Howard smiled shyly, looking away.
“That obvious huh?” he chuckled and Robbie quirked his lips slightly.
“It’s probably visible from space,” he said, instinctively cheeky even in the most awkward of situations. Howard laughed and glanced over at him, pausing a moment before replying.
“If anyone ever broke a promise to him I would probably give ‘em a right earful, it’d be daft if I didn’t play by my own rules,” he sighed. Robbie nodded thoughtfully.
“That’s nice. I want that,” he admitted quietly.
“What?” Howard frowned and Robbie shrugged.
“Someone who’ll fight for me...coz fuck knows I’ve tried fighting for myself and I always screw it up...I usually hurt a few people in the process too,” he answered after a beat.
“Like Mark you mean?” Howard said softly.
“What is it with you and your husband and the psychic powers?!” Robbie joked tensely and Howard smirked.
“Well I tend to blame his bad influence. Don’t know what his excuse is though,” he replied. Robbie suddenly felt overwhelmingly grateful towards Jason and Howard. Both of them had more than enough of an excuse to hate him, punch him, send him packing. And yet, instead, they offered him sympathy, attempted to understand his problems and, most amazingly of all, they played along with his cheekiness. Banter – he suspected they enjoyed the banter.
“I’m such a coward you know...I can’t keep anyone safe coz I’m barely together enough to keep myself safe. I used to hide it. I hid it with bravado and alcohol. But I ended up annoying everyone until the only person left was Mark. Loving him was the only good thing about my life...but I knew loving me was destroying him,” Robbie confessed as Howard began to slow their pace.
“Sneaking out of someone’s life without telling them doesn’t make them stop loving you. It pisses ‘em off but...” Howard trailed off as if he was recalling something. Robbie simply nodded.
“I know. It was selfish. And it was stupid of me to tell him to get out of London before I explained to him why he ought to go...but that’s why I’m here. I want to fix it. I want to try and be a grown-up. When you’re not a millionaire you can’t afford to hide from the real world, you’re forced to live in it...and the fact of reality is; me and Mark destroy each other in our own ways...but realising that and telling him that are two very different things,” he said, swallowing as Howard came to a stop.
“They’re both tough things to do. You got through one, you can get through the other,” Howard pointed out.
“How would you know? You’re a fighter, you cope with the world. I just fall apart,” Robbie muttered, forgetting, for a moment, to smooth his rough edges. Howard let it slip.
“I think you’re probably a decent bloke you know...you’re a bit fucked up but...at least you admit it. Admitting it at least means you’re already doing a million times better than you did in the past. I think Mark probably needs to hear a few home truths himself,” he assured Robbie gently. Robbie looked up him, his blue eyes threatening to cry, though he couldn’t decide if the tears came from fear or gratitude.
“A chance to try and fix what I broke?” he sniffed, blinking furiously.
“A chance to let him know he didn’t lose you, life just...got the better of you both. The relationship you want is the one that withstands life...that’s what I think anyway. Fighter or not,” Howard replied. Robbie nodded silently then glanced up at the building in front of them.
“This the place he works then?” he asked and Howard nodded.
“Yeah, him and Gaz will be in the back at a guess...just ask for Mark at the counter, they’ll show you,” he said. Robbie swallowed again and took a deep breath.
“Thank you...for...well, for not killing me,” he smiled and Howard smiled back quietly.
“Hey, don’t thank me; you know that was all down to Jay,” he winked, taking a step back and beginning to walk away, leaving Robbie on the pavement to gather his courage.
***
“Markie – visitor,” Laura smiled sweetly as she poked her head around the back room door, causing Mark and Gary to look up. She pushed the door open a little further revealing Robbie Williams to be stood behind her, looking more than a little uncomfortable.
“Rob,” Mark breathed, his eyes widening. Laura glanced between the two of them.
“No need to worry about your shift Mark, I’ll cover for you ‘til you’re done,” she beamed, not noticing Gary’s stony expression or Robbie’s nervous wince as she turned on her heel, closing the door carefully behind her.
The silence was painful. It roared against Robbie’s eardrums but he didn’t know what to say to make it stop. Gary’s jaw was pointedly locked, his blue eyes defensive and quiet. Mark simply stared at Robbie, his eyes glittering with a dangerous sort of intrigue that Robbie feared he recognised all too well. He would have given anything for Mark to stop looking at him that way. He would have given even more for Mark to carry on and for it all to be ok, for it to be fine for him to give that same look back, for the world to just let him have exactly what he wanted, just for a change. But he knew he wasn’t built the right way for that.
“Rob...what are you doing here?” Mark asked at last, breaking the silence but doing nothing for the tension that had settled upon the three of them.
“I had to...I had to do it properly, I had to actually talk to you, not shout you down like I did in London, not shut you out like I did in the past...” Robbie began quietly. Mark frowned.
“You told me to go...I kissed you and you told me to go,” he reminded Robbie with a wounded look. Gary looked up sharply then, looking at Mark with fierce blue eyes.
“What? When? When did you kiss him?” he demanded. Robbie groaned inwardly. Of course Gary had every right to know but Robbie just didn’t have the time to deal with him now. Or the strength.
“I can’t keep on fucking up your life for the sake of sparing my own fears, for the sake of sparing my own feelings – I’m facing up to it Markie, I’m ending whatever we are or were or...” Robbie stopped, shaking his head and looking away. He didn’t know what to say. He’d known it was going to be difficult but he couldn’t have predicted how dry his mouth would feel when Mark looked at him like that.
Mark stood, taking a step towards Robbie then changing his mind and standing still.
“I don’t understand Rob, I don’t get it...I know this isn’t what you want, not really. And we used to be so good when you were ok...when you weren’t...in one of your moods. You just got depressed sometimes and one of those times you went away but...but it shouldn’t really have ended. You still love me, I can tell coz you won’t look at me,” Mark murmured. Gary’s fists were balled up and his eyes closed and Robbie wished he’d just up and storm out. But Gary was too stubborn for that.
“I get that Mark, I do, but...but we were over, we were and we still are. Just because...because it’s who we are. It’s who I am...” Robbie tired.
“But Rob...” Mark began. Robbie just shook his head resolutely.
“I am a product of my city Markie. Slap a sign on my arse and call me Stoke-on-fucking-Trent coz that is who I am. I come from a city the whole country hates. I come from the corner of that city that even the rest of Stoke can’t fucking stand. I know it’s not all bad. It’s a warm place and...and I’d like to think I’m a warm person. I’d like to think there are good bits, even Tunstall’s got good bits. But the thing is...I’ve got to deal with some rubbish fucking scenery too; Stoke’s got the incinerator, I’ve got my depression...I’m a product of my city and I need to come to terms with that. I need to find someone who can cope with that,” he explained. Mark’s eyes looked as if they were threatening tears and Robbie had to look away.
“I don’t...” Mark tried to speak but again Robbie ploughed on.
“Do you know who else came from Stoke? Captain of the Titanic. Sums it up. Sums it up perfectly, you know? Coz I used to think that was what you did if you came from Stoke. That’s why I ran away from ending you and me I think. I used to think that people from Stoke are just doomed. You know; you can achieve something, you can captain one of the most impressive fucking ships ever, but you’re still gonna fail eventually. Stoke’s going to catch up with you. I thought that was what I was running from; the failure. You were an achievement to me, in a way. And I thought that...that if I left that night then I might not plough you into a big fucking iceberg. I thought there was a chance I could avoid decimating you that way. The thing I didn’t work out was that I wasn’t running from failure, I was just using Stoke as an excuse. I was running from the real world; you know, the real world where you have to work for the good stuff, you have to be responsible enough to cope to ever really be able to be happy,” Robbie was talking quickly now, more forcefully. He needed to get out. This room was too small and Gary kept watching him.
“What are you saying Rob?” Mark demanded and Robbie looked up suddenly, finally meeting Mark’s eyes properly. He swallowed nervously but managed to hold Mark’s stare.
“I’m saying you need to close the book now Markie. This is the ending. I’m sorry I didn’t man up and say it back then but...but you have to believe me when I tell you it is just as hard to say this now as it would have been then,” he told Mark slowly.
“Why?” Mark asked. Robbie let out a long sigh.
“Because of the people we are Markie. You’re not fucking mental like me but...but you’re just as scared of the real world, just as scared of being responsible. We destroyed each other Markie, because both of us were running away from growing up and neither one of us was strong enough to look after the other. We’re broken, in our own ways. You’re frightened of ever losing anything in case you find out it’s your fault you lost it...and...and I’m frightened of ever having anything in case I start having to be responsible for it. Broken people need to fix themselves before they start thinking about bringing anyone else into their disaster zone. And even then they need to find someone with the sort of mind that can cope on their behalf. You’ve found someone who does that for you, Markie. If you stopped looking at me right now you’d see him,” he said softly and Mark stared at him, not willing to admit to the truth behind the words.
“So...so what now?” he whispered. Robbie took a step forward, closing the gap between them. Silently he cupped Mark’s face in his hands and pressed a single kiss to his forehead.
“Now? Now I go and try to find a Titanic to captain,” he sighed. Mark felt a tear rolling down his cheek but he didn’t bother to try and brush it away. Instead he sniffed and smiled a watery smile.
“Don’t crash it into any icebergs,” he murmured and Robbie smiled a sad sort of smile.
“I’ll try not to. Stoke-on-Trent...yeah, it’s a little bit crap and yeah it’s a little bit hated...but is it doing ok? Well, it’s trying,” he stated in a whisper before turning sharply and leaving without another word.
***
Jason wound his arms around Howard’s middle, kissing the crook of his neck and closing his eyes. His chin rested on Howard’s shoulder and his breath touched lightly against the hairs on Howard’s neck, making them stand on end. Howard smiled, setting down his mug and putting an arm around his husband, pressing a kiss to the top of his head before resting his own head against it.
“Tired love?” he asked softly and Jason let out a small whimper.
“These past few days have been mad, haven’t they?” he groaned and Howard laughed.
“I’d say that was an understatement,” he smiled, his fingers creeping slowly underneath the hem of Jason’s shirt and skimming across his warm skin.
“Doesn’t it ever piss you off? That I dragged you into all this? I mean...your life would be a lot simpler if I just left you be,” Jason sighed, his brow creased slightly. Howard gave his shoulders a small squeeze, planting another kiss down on to the top of his head.
“Love, believe me, my life would not be any richer if you left me be,” he said gently.
“I said simpler, not richer,” Jason pointed out with a small smile.
“Maybe I like a little complexity. I fell for you after all. If simplicity was my thing I don’t think that could have happened,” Howard remarked with a cheeky smile that Jason couldn’t resist laughing at, sitting himself up slightly. He rested his chin on Howard’s shoulder and studied his face a moment, his blue eyes bright and thoughtful.
“I mean it though Howard – if I just let you get on with your DJ thing, and let you just spend time with your own mates instead of always getting you mixed up with mine then...” he began, but Howard pressed a kiss against his lips mid-sentence. It was always his preferred method of shutting Jason up. He rested their foreheads together and smiled.
“Jay; I let myself get dragged into it. I am mixed up with you for a reason. I’m in it for the mornings where, even though you hate being late, you let me get my own way just coz you know it makes me smile. I’m in it for the smile you give me when I’m getting in your way and winding you right up just to let me know that, even though you’re shouting at me, you love me. I’m in it for the way that, even though you’re more than capable of fighting your own battles, you let me fight a few for you, just coz you know it’s important to me. I’m in it coz you don’t complain when I wake you up coz you know I’ve spent all night at work wishing you were there. And, most of all, I’m in it coz, every now and again, someone will point out to me that I am painfully obviously hopelessly in love with you...for some reason I get a buzz out of the fact everyone knows that,” Howard told Jason slowly, tucking strands of Jason’s hair into an order only he understood. The corners of Jason’s lips twitched up in a fond smile and Howard ran his other hand along Jason’s spine. Jason arched his back slightly, Howard’s touch sending a ripple of warmth through him.
Jason and Howard’s lips were almost meeting when suddenly the moment was shattered by the sound of the shop’s door clattering open. The bell rang briskly and Jason and Howard jumped, turning to see Gary storming in behind Mark, his face red from shouting.
“...and you just let him Mark!” Gary was yelling. Jason and Howard exchanged a look, disentangling themselves and coming to stand in the archway. Neither Mark nor Gary noticed them and they watched as Mark threw his coat forcefully at Gary.
“And what did you want me to do Gaz?! Run away?! Make everything worse?! He was doing the right thing, just coz you don’t like it doesn’t make it any less true!” he shouted.
“The right thing?! The right thing would be to leave you the hell alone, to leave both of us the hell alone. Robbie Williams has no right to touch you anymore...” Gary shot back but Mark cut him off.
“No, you’re right, not anymore, he just ended it. But he had every right to kiss me goodbye, it needed to be done! At least he was classy about it...” he shouted over the top of Gary’s speech.
“...and you have no right to let him! Oh, so that was goodbye?! Does everyone say goodbye to you that way?! Jay, Howard? You say goodbye to Mark by kissing him? No! That was more than a goodbye Mark! And don’t tell me all that ‘being classy’ crap Mark, there’s nothing classy about him,” Gary fumed. Jason clenched his jaw and Howard noticed it instantly. He could see the way his husband’s shoulders had tensed so he placed a silent hand on the small of his back in an offer of support.
“Shut up, Gaz! You don’t know him! He is a class act Gaz – you heard him, he has his faults. But he’s only human and he’s trying! He’s trying to be better! And being better meant he had to say goodbye! You should be thanking him for that! He’s helping me to move on as much as he’s helping himself – or would you rather I was fixated on the past still?!” Mark demanded.
“He shouldn’t have to help you move on Mark, you should already be moved on! Or had you missed the fact we’re married?!” Gary snapped.
“How can you even...” Mark began, but Jason spoke over him.
“Shut up! Shut up the pair of you and listen to yourselves,” Jason cut through the argument with an even tone and a cold stare. Howard recognised the anger behind Jason’s deceptively calm words and he bit his lip, concerned for his husband as much as his friends.
“Jay I...” Gary began to try and explain but Jason’s eyes flashed dangerously.
“No, Gary, I’m sick of both of you. You’re just as guilty of forgetting you’re married as he is. You’re selfish, the pair of you, and I’m tired of watching you treat each other like you don’t exist! You’re both my friends, I care about both of you, but you’re both so oblivious sometimes! I’m sorry but you are! You gave up your right to be selfish when you told each other you loved each other, it’s as simple as that, or at least it should be. You cannot pull one string in Howard’s life without me knowing about it and you can’t so much as look at me the wrong way without Howard being on your case. But you two?! You’re both so wrapped up in your own worlds that you forget there’s anyone else you need to be looking out for!” he told them, looking between the two of them for some sign they understood. Gary looked down at the floor and Mark bit his lip.
“You don’t understand Jay, it’s so much harder for us to...” Mark tried but Jason was having none of it and he shook his head.
“It’s not supposed to be easy to do Markie but you just have to learn it, you just have to adapt. You know me, you know what I’m like; I’m my own person, I like to go off in my own world and be in charge of my own time. But I know Howard worries about me if he can’t get in touch. Of course it would be easier for me to just go, to just go to work without telling him or to stay at my dad’s an hour later without having to make a phone call. But I make the call and I leave a note. One time I got all the way here and realised I hadn’t told him where I’d be. I didn’t have my phone on me, so I just drove home. Coz I know it’s important to him. I’m not saying that that’s how you have to go about it, I’m not saying you should be that way or operate like me and him or whatever. But I am saying that you should listen to each other. Try and understand each other’s point of view, understand why you’re both saying what you’re saying, behaving the way you are. Coz if you can’t do that then you shouldn’t be in a relationship,” Jason sighed and with that he walked briskly out of the shop.
Gary and Mark looked up at each other slowly as the shop door closed behind Jason then nervously turned their eyes to Howard, who was staring intently at a space in middle-distance.
“Do you have any idea how much he hated saying that?” he asked them quietly.
“Howard...” Mark began and Howard laughed.
“Oh my God, did you listen to him at all?! Do you know how long he’s been fretting over you pair?! You’re his mates. He wants the best for both of you. But no one wants to say that to their mates, not even if they think it’ll help them. And when he does finally say it, you two stand there with nothing to say to him? Just think about what he said, yeah? And just you see if there’s maybe not more than a bit of truth to it,” Howard told them sharply before following his husband out of the door.
***
Howard stepped out onto the pavement and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down before glancing around for his husband. He didn’t need to look far. Jason was sitting on the edge of the pavement just a little way away from the shop. Howard watched him a moment, taking in the frightening thinness of him in the grey September air and studying the drained way his head was hung. Jason was used to being put into the middle of a dispute an having people expect him to find a way to solve it. He had enough siblings to never be far from a conflict of interests. But this was one war Jason had been at pains to avoid getting mixed up in. Howard knew he’d wanted Mark and Gary to sort themselves out. He hated it when he was forced to play the role of the contented spouse who is so smug in his own relationship he feels the need to correct everyone else’s. Howard knew Jason wasn’t like that. Jason was happiest when it was just the two of them, when no one else could see or hear or understand and no one else needed to. But there was little choice but to step in when Gary and Mark had been so violently throwing poison at each other.
Howard sighed, shrugging off his jacket and coming to sit down next to his husband.
“I don’t care if it’s a fucking cliché, you’re putting this around you before you freeze,” Howard whispered softly, putting his jacket around Jason and giving his temple a quiet kiss. Jason smiled and chuckled slightly, glancing up to look at Howard a moment before leaning against his chest.
“Now you’re going to freeze,” he pointed out and Howard squeezed his shoulders.
“Not going to happen, I’ve got more meat on my bones,” he assured Jason with a grin.
“Fine, but don’t expect me to look after you when you get ill,” Jason warned him playfully.
“Oh I’ll expect it. And it will happen. It always does – after all, you do love me,” Howard shrugged.
“Mm, I love you...I love you like I’d love a stray puppy that started following me around...but love’s love,” Jason smiled.
“Remind me why you never got that job writing Valentine’s cards?” Howard teased and Jason elbowed him gently. Howard planted a kiss on the top of his head and the two sat in silence for a moment.
“So come on, let’s get this health assessment over with,” Jason sighed at last and Howard smiled.
“Ok. You ok?” he asked. Jason sat up, looking him in the eye.
“Yes, I’m ok,” he replied and Howard cupped his cheek in his hand.
“Sure?” he checked and Jason smiled at him fondly.
“Sure,” he agreed and Howard smiled a satisfied smile, leaning their foreheads together.
“I’m going to hold you to that,” he murmured.
“You are so overprotective love,” Jason laughed and Howard grinned unashamedly.
“Yeah, well, all bodyguards have their fee; so shut up, close your eyes and give me a kiss,” he shot back and Jason raised an eyebrow.
“And how’s your career in the greetings card industry going?” he remarked and Howard rolled his eyes at him, bending in for the kiss before any more teases could be sent his way.
As the kiss ended, Jason tucked himself into Howard’s chest once more, tugging the jacket around his shoulders a little more tightly. He couldn’t help but let his thoughts turn to Mark and Gary and he wondered what was going on inside the shop. Howard noticed his creased brow and he squeezed his shoulders comfortingly.
“They’ll work it out Jay. It might take a while but...they will work it out. We worked things out,” he sighed and Jason nodded slowly.
“Yeah...but I just took you back to get you off my brother’s porch. I’m only here for the neighbours’ sakes,” he smiled after a beat and Howard laughed, shaking his head slightly.
“I’m taking my jacket back in a minute,” he warned jokingly.
“You wouldn’t do that,” Jason said with confidence and Howard wrinkled his nose.
“Why am I so easy?!” he lamented and Jason glanced up at him.
“Coz I make the best dinners you’ve ever tasted?” he suggested and Howard thought a moment.
“True. But don’t tell my mum I agreed to that,” he grinned.
Once more the two let silence descend. Neither one of them dared go back inside. Mark and Gary needed to talk and Jason was determined that the talking would happen, even if he and Howard had to sleep in front of the shop door.
“Mark’s issues are so tied up with his past though...I don’t know if this is fixable without him...well, without him taking some time to work out his own mind,” Jason mused softly.
“Maybe he will do that, maybe Gary will help him do that. All we can do is look after them both and keep on looking after each other,” Howard replied. Jason nodded, looking down at the floor as he thought to himself. Howard watched him thinking, wondering what it was that was still playing on his mind. Jason took a breath and glanced up at Howard.
“I think you should focus on your DJ work for a bit Howard...you let me take priority for a bit and...and I appreciate that and...and after everything that’s happened these past couple of years I think maybe we needed that. But now...I think you need to do it. For both of us. If either one of us gets too wrapped up in playing tagalong then we’ll end up the opposite of Mark and Gaz but...just as bad...” he frowned and Howard watched him a moment before giving a tentative nod.
“I...I think maybe you’re right. But...you have to know Jay, I’m not tagging along here. And you won’t be tagging along if I focus on my DJ work. Whatever we do we’re in it together, yeah?” he said and Jason smiled at him, nodding.
“Yeah. Always,” he agreed.
***
Mark sat on the shop’s stairs, listening to Gary playing out a melancholy tune on his favourite piano. It wasn’t a song Mark recognised and it had been so long since Gary had been able to write anything he was satisfied with that Mark suspected this was Gary at his improvisational best. Gary had an ability to play an emotion like no one else Mark knew. Many people were admired for their effortlessness, but to Mark it was the laboured way which Gary leant into his music that made it beautiful. There was a struggle in every touch.
The shop’s walls seemed to soak up the heavy notes and they fed a heavy atmosphere back out into the room, crowding Mark’s head. In the back of his mind he’d worked it out. He knew what he had to do. In his heart of hearts he’d understood his problem all along. But Robbie had forced him to see it in all its fractured glory and he couldn’t hide from it anymore. Well, he could, but he knew it would catch up with him eventually. Robbie was right, they had to face up to life sooner or later. And as much as Gary protected him, Mark knew he couldn’t carry on without facing up to some form of responsibility. Especially when he knew the damage his cowardice was doing to Gary. He rubbed his hands over his face, sucking in a breath. Was he really about to do this?
Pushing himself up slowly, Mark made his way over to the small doorway which separated the piano room from the main shop. For a moment he watched Gary silently, scared to death. His heart was beating far too fast but the rest of him had slipped into slow motion. He hardly blinked as Gary played the chords. He wasn’t sure how they’d let themselves get this way. They were both at fault, to a certain extent. They were both guilty of selfishness, even Jason had managed to work that out and he didn’t even know the half of it. But Mark felt sure that it wasn’t that way all the time. They had their moments. Not so much of late, but there had been some. A lot. They did love each other, after all.
Gary only noticed Mark’s presence once he was already standing next to him at the side of the piano. Mark’s forehead was slightly creased and he fixed his eyes on Gary’s hands as they paused on the piano keys. After a moment Gary looked up at him with broken blue eyes.
“Gaz...” Mark whispered, his voice close to tears but his eyes growing more determined.
“Mark, don’t, I’m sorry, I didn’t...” Gary began but Mark was shaking his head, slowly dropping to the floor, kneeling at Gary’s feet. Gary frowned, his words dying on his lips.
“Gaz...I’m the one who’s screwed us up, don’t apologise to me. Rob was right about me, you know? I’m fucked up Gaz, I’m fucked up. I think maybe I always have been, a little bit. Or at least...I’ve always been the sort of person with the potential to get fucked up. I get so fucking scared of stupid shit that shouldn’t bother me and it just...it all got on top of me eventually...” Mark began to explain. “Markie, please don’t say that, it can’t all be your mess...it’s both of us in this relationship, I have to...I have to take some of the blame. And I have to help sort it out too, not just you. I shouldn’t have spoken to you the way I did, you shouldn’t be apologising to me for that, that’s just backwards,” Gary insisted but Mark only seemed to get closer to tears.
“No Gaz, please...please stop being so...so you! I can’t do this if you’re just sat there giving me the easy option. I’m a mess Gaz, I am. Whether you want to see it or not I’m a mess. And I have to go. I have to go and sort myself out. Away from here. Away from anyone. I have to sort me out. On my own. No easy options, no one bailing me out of my disasters,” Mark told him softly. Gary’s frown deepened and he shook his head slightly as he tried to unpick Mark’s words.
“I don’t understand Markie...I don’t...” he stammered and Mark smiled sadly, sniffing slightly to prevent tears. He took one of Gary’s hands in his.
“I’ve always been so fucking scared of losing people Gaz. Rob was right, you know? Me and him...I suppose we sort of...destroyed each other. It was a nice sort of disaster I suppose...so nice I guess I didn’t wanna see it then. I didn’t even wanna see it ten fucking minutes ago I suppose. But not wanting to see something can’t change the fact can it. He was scared of having me coz he thought he’d break me, so he pushed me away. And I was scared of loving him in case he left me...and he did leave me in the end...and it was like everything I thought had come true,” Mark murmured, tears coming now.
“But what’s that got to do with us?” Gary whispered nervously, squeezing Mark’s hand. Tears were rolling down Mark’s cheeks and he smiled a watery smile, sniffing softly and resting his chin on Gary’s knee. Gary looked down at him, their stare unbroken.
“Everything Gaz...I mean, all this stuff with Rob, with me wanting to know if we could have worked, with me not wanting to say goodbye...it’s just coz I’m so scared that it’s my fault. I’m scared that it’s my fault for feeling safe, for loving him. People I love get lost Gaz, they always get lost to me. I lose people. And so every time I love anyone, I start to wait for the loss to come again. Rob...was the only person I loved anywhere near the way I love you. And his was the worst loss of all. And I think a part of me thought maybe if I hadn’t really lost Rob, if we had a different ending, then it would solve that. I thought it would fix me because the most painful loss would be cancelled out. But that wasn’t what happened. And so now I still just as scared. Because I love you just as much – no, I love you more – than I loved him...and I’m just waiting for the most painful loss I’ve ever know. In the back of my mind it’s inevitable. And I can’t risk being close enough to you to see how much I love you...it’s just my way of protecting myself. So I won’t notice as much when I lose you. And it’s always going to be that way Gaz. Until I go back to all those people, until I’ve been left on my own long enough to think back over those relationships, those friendships, work out why they ended, then I can’t do anything but hurt you,” Mark told him softly. Gary brushed slightly at his tears, holding back his own.
“But Markie you don’t hurt me,” he said and Mark closed his eyes.
“I do Gaz. I do because I can’t trust you to still be there. I can’t trust myself to love you properly. I just run away from having to be with you sometimes, distract myself from the fact I’m in a relationship. I get selfish because it keeps me safe. It means that when I lose you it won’t make as much difference...or...or I hope it won’t,” Mark sighed. Gary bit his lip, looking down at his piano in an effort to steady himself.
“You won’t lose me though...in any case, I was selfish too...” he tried.
“Maybe. Which didn’t help, I guess. You know you haven’t said you loved me for...for so long. Months. It’s been months...” Mark cut in with a distant voice. Gary winced.
“But I do,” he insisted.
“Say it then,” Mark challenged him quietly.
“Markie I...” Gary began but Mark squeezed his hand.
“Jay and Howard hardly notice they’re saying it, y’ know?” he smiled and Gary swallowed.
“It’s just how they are Mark,” he justified and Mark nodded slightly.
“I s’pose it is. But still it...it just fed the fear Gaz. And that fear’s not going to go away if you start to say it now. There is something in me that is running scared from being responsible for anyone but me...and I need to go away and work that out of my system,” he said.
“I could go with you,” Gary pleaded but Mark shook his head.
“Gaz, that would defeat the point,” he countered.
“Where will you go?” Gary asked nervously.
“I’ll work it out...all I know is I have to get away. And until I get back I want you to keep this for me,” Mark whispered and Gary watched silently as Mark slid his wedding ring from his finger, pressing it into his palm and making him close his hand around it.
“Mark...” he sniffed but Mark simply kissed his closed hand.
“I’ll earn the right to be married to you Gaz, ok?” Mark murmured, and with that he got up, walking directly from the shop, Gary watching his retreating form as his heart clattered angrily around inside his ribcage.
***
Jason and Howard had been on the pavement when Mark had emerged. Mark had simply thrown his arms around them and told them ‘Goodbye’ but Jason had made a guess at what was happening and had turned a shade of grey that Howard didn’t like. He knew why though. He understood that a part of Jason felt guilty for saying anything and Howard squeezed his shoulder in comfort as they came in through the front door. Jason glanced up at him and gave a weak smile before looking around the shop. From the piano room Gary’s voice drifted out, slow and cracked and half-hidden behind the piano chords he was playing. Howard and Jason moved cautiously across the shop floor, slipping into the piano room and joining Gary at the piano. He didn’t look up at them.
“Silence please coz I’ve got something to say,
and before the music takes you all away,
I never thought I’d leave it all so late,
now that you’re gone, oh you’re gone.
Yeah everybody loves a circus show,
but I’m the only clown you’ll ever know,
and now you can applaud my best mistake,
I love you was too many words to say.
I love you was too many words to say, to say...” Gary played on even as a tear traced its way down his cheek, the final chords more laboured than any chords he had played before in his life. As the song ended Jason’s brow creased in sympathy.
“Oh Gaz,” he sighed softly, sitting down on the edge of the piano stool next to his friend. Gary looked at him with damp eyes and then slowly and silently crumpled into his embrace, sobbing onto Jason’s shoulder.
Epilogue
It’s six o’clock on Oldham Street when Gary notices it. Something’s changed. Little things have been shifting around him for a while now; a man came to clean the dingy gold lettering of the shop’s front, Jason managed to sell two violins, a cello and a small piano in the space of a week and a half, Mark had departed with a collection of hats and scarves that had been littering the shop for years, someone broke Howard’s mug. Gary pauses in the dark of the shop when he feels it. Howard and Jason have gone home, the lights are off and, as far as he can hear, there isn’t another soul left on Oldham Street this evening. Just him and his shop. But even the shop seems absent somehow. That’s the change. He’s not sure how he missed it; had it only just happened or was this something that had started a long time ago? He clutches his keys and turns around. The floorboards don’t creak as he turns to survey the darkness. It’s just still. Not so much as a stray crotchet is stirring in the dust. The dust is just dust. The shop is just a shop. And for a strange moment Gary feels as though he has realised something, though he doesn’t know what. He can’t put it into words. Unusually for him he can’t even put it into notes. He glimpses it for a second and then the insight shuts down. As quickly as it arrived it leaves him. But it’s unsettled him enough to prepare him for the change.
Later that night he ventures out to the club Howard is working at. After seeing Mark on every corner that day, he’s grateful to finally spot Howard and Jason instead. Side by side in the DJ’s booth. Twin smiles. And suddenly that feeling comes back. Even in the stumbling mess of the club he can feel the prick of that stillness from the shop. A distance far greater than the dance-floor opens up between him and them. Jason leans forwards slightly, twists his wiry frame and glances up at Howard, half-laughing, half-admiring. It’s a different Jason to the one Gary knows. The same, essentially. But still somehow he is someone Gary doesn’t know, he is Howard’s Jason. Howard is trying to simultaneously show-off his husband and sustain the club’s energy. Gary can see it in the way his eyes flick in a one-two-three. One; he watches what his hands are doing. Two; he watches what Jason is doing. Three; he glances around, just to see who else is watching. Yet in his glances he fails to notice Gary. That oversight reminds Gary of his silent shop; absent like Howard’s gaze was absent now. Gary thinks again of his six o’clock pause. He tries to unpick his own shop’s stillness, his husband’s absence, his friends’ distance. But he can’t unpick anything. Once again the insight leaves.
Jason kisses Howard on the cheek and comes down from the DJ booth, fighting his way across the club to the bar, wedging himself in as quiet a spot as is possible before bellowing his order to the barman. Gary, overwhelmed by how distant a man just across the room from him can seem, doesn’t move towards him. His legs are not just heavy, they are immovable. He looks back at Howard, who, far too loved-up for his own good and grinning like a fool, is taking a brief moment to watch Jason. Jason, for his part, can feel Howard’s stare and he turns. Their eyes meet on some level above all the other occupants of the club. Gary watches as though he is a tourist in their world, as if he hasn’t seen this sort of moment a million times before. He sees it in different way since Mark went. Howard holds up his hands with an impish smile, forming a heart with them then pointing to Jason. Jason laughs, casually flashing Howard an ‘ok’ sign, his eyes glittering with mischief. But Howard knows the game and he waits patiently for that fraction of a second to pass. Sure enough Jason tilts his head, smiles fondly, and lifts his hands in a heart shape, points to Howard then flashes ‘2’ with his fingers. Gary smiles slightly. He supposes it’s about that, really. It’s not about how it ended the last time you loved, it’s not about that ending being different. It’s about existing over the top of everyone else’s heads; no one in the club gets in the way of the conversation, nothing life throws at them can ever mean their end. That’s why Gary and Mark will survive this. Gary knows, because he knows there is no ending, different or otherwise, to the way they love each other. Not even that displacing feeling of change can dislodge that thought.
Tonight is the night they all notice it though, in their own ways. Jason had noticed it a while before though he couldn’t define it when he tried. Howard hadn’t seen it coming until his phone rang around midnight and plunged him into the middle of it. Even Mark feels it, from a distance. On a train somewhere between Manchester and London his head lolls as he sleeps, he hits it on the window and sits upright, looking out of the train window with a frown. Tonight is the night that Mark will get on a plane from Heathrow’s Terminal 2. It’s the night that Gary will get an unexpected call from a friend in Frankfurt. Tonight Howard will wake Jason up by dropping a glass in the kitchen as he paces the apartment. Tonight is a night Jason will think back to for a long time to come. And tonight it’s still in Barlow’s music shop for the first time in years.