The Last Post-It
Howard suspected
it ought to bother him a lot more just how close he was coming to forgetting
the sound of his boyfriend’s voice. Of course, it was hard to complain about
the fact that his reputation as a DJ was growing, but as nice as popularity and
recognition – and the paycheques they came with – were, there were other
symptoms to his success; his jobs were getting later and longer, and his
reputation in the North West of England had led to jobs all over the country
and even Europe becoming much more commonplace, lucrative, regular contracts
with chains of clubs up and down Northern Europe keeping him busy nearly
constantly, and meaning he was almost always on-call as a last-minute stand-in
when other DJs fell through. He was making quite a name for himself, but at
times the pace could be exhausting and he missed the comforts of being home
when his schedule left him stuck in lonely hotel rooms for the odd night here
or there. He couldn’t deny that it grated on him sometimes; the way his and
Jason’s schedules seemed to, at times, be perfect opposites. Jason was
naturally an early riser, and working at the shop meant he was often up and out
long before Howard woke up; he was usually the one trusted to open the shop up
and he worked from nine ‘til five, allowing, of course, time for tea breaks,
lunch and Mark breaks throughout the day, not to mention Gary’s tendency to
distract everyone by suggesting a song-writing session. Some days Howard didn’t
make it out of bed until lunchtime, making afternoon his morning and leaving
him just enough time to wolf down whatever food Jason had left for him before
heading off on a long drive to his next job – sometimes, on days when he was
working closer to home or – even better – in Manchester itself, Howard would
treat himself to an excursion to the shop, enjoying the company of Jason, Gary
and Mark for a little while before he had to go. Jason sometimes waited up for
him at night – he wasn’t the best sleeper anyway and he liked to know Howard
was home safely – but more often than not, Howard simply made it back too late
for them to spend any meaningful amount of time together. It came and went in
phases, of course, but the current spell had seemed to last longer than any
that had gone before, and when he’d first realised just how hectic a schedule
he was in for it had frightened him slightly, concern rising within him for
what it might do to the easy warmth of his relationship with Jason, which had
done nothing but get stronger in their time together but had yet to really be tested.
In past relationships Howard had found that his late nights had always caused
arguments – between his job and his daughter, his time had always been
stretched, something he personally didn’t object to, though that only seemed to
make his partners more annoyed, always expecting something more from him which
he wasn’t prepared to give, as though they didn’t understand how much his
responsibilities meant to him, how much he valued their presence in his life
even during the times of strain. But his relationship with Jason had always
defied the patterns Howard had known before; Jason understood – instinctively –
that Howard’s job was a part of who he was, didn’t object to the late nights as
long as Howard came home, made the effort to call him, or text, find ways to
check in. If anything, Howard was the one most annoyed at their lack of any
significant time alone – Mark, Gary and Grace always encroaching on what time
they did have, though he found it hard to begrudge any of them that much. And
Howard had suspected Jason had noticed the grumpier edge to him during those
past weeks – there wasn’t much Jason didn’t notice, especially when it came to
him. And his suspicions had been confirmed when the post-it notes had begun to
show up all over their shared apartment.
Jason had never said anything – Howard simply found a post-it in his jacket pocket as he was on his way out one day; it had read ‘Chin up, Mister DJ’ and had left Howard grinning near-constantly ‘til his head finally hit the pillow that night. Since then, post-it notes were left for him everywhere – sometimes with relevant information about where to find the leftovers from dinner or when he had to pick up Grace from her sleepovers, other times with teases and nonsense – and pretty soon their entire relationship was spelled out in little pink and yellow squares that showed up without warning all over their apartment. There were post-its on his clothes; ‘Wear this; last night’s shirt in wash – miss you smelling like home’. There were often post-its on the bathroom mirror; ‘Shave soon, I don’t want to share my bed with a yeti’ or a simple ‘Morning, Love’. There were always post-its in the kitchen; ‘Made you a curry for lunch, don’t drive to Liverpool on an empty stomach’. Howard had even woken up to post-its on Jason’s freshly plumped pillow; ‘Miss you’ and ‘Mwah’. His favourite post-it had been pressed to his chest one night; ‘I love you’. He’d saved that one.
Of course, Howard still couldn’t help but enjoy that feeling when he actually laid eyes on his boyfriend, when he finally made it to bed in the small hours and found him there; he loved to watch the soft rise and fall of his chest and the way his dark lashes flickered slightly against his skin, as if he realised Howard was there. He appreciated the rustle of the duvet when Jason moved towards him in his sleep, the mumbled sounds of greeting let out without Jason really waking up – he liked that way Jason was just as preoccupied with touch on a subconscious level as he was when he was awake, always edging closer, always reacting to Howard’s presence even in his sleep. The connectedness it made him feel provided a welcome contrast to the loneliness of his car journeys back and forth. But he still craved Jason’s voice – would call him up just to hear him laugh sometimes, would do anything he could to snatch back a little extra time in his company. That was how he ended up turning his car around and heading in the opposite direction down the motorway that night, regardless of the fact he was nearer to his destination than he was to Manchester.
The call had come when he was just a little way outside the city; the club he had been booked at had been forced to close for the night over some last minute drama that he hadn’t listened to the details of, already too busy working out the best route home in his head to mind what the hassled woman on the end of the line was telling him. He’d been sat in a service station at the time, miserably picking at a sandwich and wishing he’d had time to grab some dinner with Jason before setting off – the monthly Barlow’s staff meeting was being held after work, however, and Gary and Jason were locked in a battle of wills over how best to reorganise the records (although, as Howard understood it, Gary’s policy was to not reorganise them at all.) But Jason would be home by the time he got back, and the moment the word ‘cancelled’ had left the woman’s mouth, Howard had been overtaken by the urge to be home too.
Home. Now there was a strange word. He’d lived his whole life using it, thinking he understood what it meant, understood what there was to be appreciated about it but also understood its limitations. Then Jason had happened. And suddenly home was less of a general, ordinary concept. It was a hundred little details and sounds; looks and sighs and arguments, the gentle pressure of a body against his own, the sound of his own name said a hundred different ways. Home was not needing to be anything for anyone else for a while – just himself, not matter how daft or grumpy that person was, he didn’t need to pretend or try, safe in the knowledge he wouldn’t be judged for it, though perhaps lightly baited or teased. The relief of it – the comfort of it – was something he could feel to his bones, an ache of tired contentedness washing over all the places where previously a tightness and tension had been. What little energy and focus he had left he put entirely into the drive home, determined not to stop until he got there. Home. He turned the word over and over in his head to pass the time.
He’d been in such a rush to get back, he forgot to mention his return to Jason, not pausing to so much as text him a warning, never mind make a call to him, before he half-fell into their apartment that night.
As the door closed behind Howard, he came to an immediate halt, his eyes meeting almost instantly with his boyfriend’s startled blue gaze. For a moment the two of them stood across from each other, Jason’s expression caught between surprise and amusement as they stared at each other, a small, confused frown crossing his features even as a wry smile tugged at the corners of his lips. He was standing adrift between the breakfast bar and the sofa, perfectly rumpled in his loose t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms, a tub of ice-cream and a spoon in his hand, and Howard looked him up and down with a lopsided smirk that Jason seemed to read immediately, suddenly collecting himself and arching an eyebrow knowingly.
“Last time I spoke to you, you were exhausted and off out,” he reminded Howard, smirking fondly, turning to set the ice-cream and spoon down on the breakfast bar before facing Howard once more. His look was still amused but enquiring, and Howard grinned back at him with a shrug.
“Change of plans,” he replied, trying to sound casual but aware that he couldn’t fool Jason, who nodded slowly, leaning back against the breakfast bar and folding his arms.
“I can see that,” he said steadily, his tone even but his lips curving up in fond amusement, making Howard chuckle. “So, Howard Donald, what exactly brings you home so soon?” Jason’s eyes twinkled with mischief as he pushed himself up off the breakfast bar and crossed the distance between them – his gaze was fixed on Howard’s as he came to stand in front of him, and Howard smiled back at him before finally reaching out and cupping Jason’s face with his hand, dipping his head and pulling him into a kiss. He could feel Jason smiling against his mouth, felt the vibration of his laugh as he slowly let Howard win. Jason’s arms wound around Howard’s neck and when the two of them finally drew back Howard rested his hands on his hips, his thumb brushing the flash of exposed skin where Jason’s shirt had ridden up in their embrace. “Hello you,” Jason murmured as Howard leant their foreheads together, and Howard let out a soft laugh, kissing Jason’s nose.
“Hi,” he whispered back, enjoying the sensation of the pressure of Jason’s body against his own and unable to do anything but grin as Jason’s eyes sparkled up at him, all delighted, mischievous energy in the dim glow of their apartment at night. It was just a moment, but Howard felt like he’d been craving it for days; he could feel a new calmness sinking into his skin, restoring the energy lost over the course of a month of crazy schedules and conversations snatched out of chaos. The stillness was blissful and Jason seemed to sense it too, making no move to push back from Howard’s embrace. “You have no idea how good it feels to be home,” Howard said quietly, reaching a hand up to Jason’s cheek, his thumb grazing it idly. Jason laughed – a soft, warm sound that made Howard smile.
“I think I’ve got a fair idea,” he told him gently, pressing a lingering kiss against Howard’s lips before finally, slowly, stepping out of Howard’s arms. “Come on – you’re in time for a really bad movie.” He went and collected his ice-cream before coming back and holding out a hand to Howard, carefully leading him over towards the sofa. “And you know, if you sit close enough to me, I might even share the ice-cream,” he added with a smile.
Howard could only chuckle and let himself be led, amused and comforted in equal measure by their easy return to domesticity. Jason looked at him over his shoulder, flashing him a quick wink before releasing his hand and settling down on the sofa, and Howard quickly cast aside his jacket and crashed down against the cushions, slinging an arm along the back of the sofa and grinning as Jason instinctively curled into his side, his eyes on the TV but his smile knowing. He kissed Jason’s temple and the two fell back into their well-worn routines – Howard making arch comments in Jason’s ear as the movie played out, occasionally stealing kisses and making Jason laugh or elbow him in the ribs, sometimes shooting back dry remarks of his own, looking up at Howard from the corner of his eye. It was simple. It was what Howard had missed. Eventually Jason fell asleep on the sofa, tucked against Howard’s side, and Howard had let him sleep for a while before eventually attempting to untangle their limbs sufficiently to carry Jason to bed. Jason stirred in his arms, briefly, but didn’t wake, and Howard pressed a kiss to his forehead before lifting him up and making his way down the corridor towards their room.
As Howard laid him down on their bed, Jason let out a soft whimper in his sleep, and Howard sat down on the edge of the bed for a moment, smiling when Jason looked up at him sleepily. “What time is it?” he asked, his eyes only half-open.
“Late,” Howard told him with a grin. Jason smiled, closing his eyes again and nodding.
“Then hurry up and come to bed, you daft beggar,” he returned, making Howard chuckle.
“Careful who you’re calling a daft beggar, Orange,” he told him. Jason didn’t reply but Howard caught the smirk on his lips and he grinned to himself before quickly getting up to get ready for bed. When he finally climbed in beside Jason, he assumed he was asleep already, but was pleasantly surprised when he turned over towards him immediately, winding an arm around his waist and wordlessly pressing a kiss to the crook of his neck. Howard closed his eyes and enjoyed the feeling of Jason’s body curving around him, again turning over the word ‘home’ in his head.
Jason’s presence in his life had changed so many things; little things just as much as the bigger ones. But most importantly he’d changed Howard – not in who he was fundamentally, Howard knew Jason would never want to try to do that. But he had changed the constant unrest that used to lie just beneath his skin, taken away that strange feeling of disquiet that had always made him feel like he needed to keep moving, ceaselessly, and somehow be more than what he was. With Jason he suddenly felt he was enough, that his life was enough – Jason had given him a reason to stop chasing some phantom trace of magic by giving him magic right where he stood. Suddenly being in one place all the time, following well-worn patterns and wasting a day or two here and there didn’t seem so boring to him after all. He still enjoyed his work immensely, still enjoyed the travelling and the movement and the change of scene – but he didn’t see it as everything any more. It had finally occurred to him that homes weren’t just the pauses in between living, sometimes the living was in the quiet moments only home could provide. Like being beside Jason, feeling his skin against his own and listening as his breathing evened out into sleep. It was a sort of certainty that used to be foreign to him, a comfort inside his own skin that was borne out of no longer being afraid he wasn’t fully living his life. He could be still and feel more alive than he’d ever felt before, as long as Jason was there. There was a loose promise in it, he knew. An understanding that they were offering each other something that had a certain permanence, that meant more than simple companionship and even more than just romance. It was something that was new to Howard; he had never seen much point in making promises in the past – certainly not out loud. He’d always supposed that if there was any real substance to a relationship then the continuity would go unsaid. But with Jason somehow it was different; the promises were there but Howard longed to say them, to tell them to Jason every day and tell them to other people, giving them the kind of substance that could make them become as strong and significant as they felt in his heart. He knew it didn’t need to be said, knew that Jason knew that they were both more sure of each other than they had been of anyone else before. But Howard found that he wanted other people to know it, wanted to hear the way the promises sounded when Jason gave voice to them and to see the shine of his eyes when those same promises were repeated back. For the first time in his life, he wanted to make a commitment that didn’t go unsaid.
***
Howard woke the next morning smiling and sure – he padded into the kitchen a little after nine o’clock still with a light grin on his lips, something the sight of Jason busy cooking in the morning sunlight did nothing to stop.
“Full English? Is that even allowed under the Jason Orange Health Code?” he teased, pulling himself up to sit at the breakfast bar and watch Jason move quickly and efficiently around the kitchen. Pausing briefly in what he was doing, Jason turned to look at him over his shoulder. He shot him a withering look but there was an affectionate glint in his eyes that gave him away and Howard chuckled cheekily.
“I might like to eat healthy but I’m also only human, you know. Besides, both of us missed out on dinner last night – but you’re welcome to cook your own breakfast if you’re worried my Full English isn’t healthy enough for you.” Jason arched an eyebrow and Howard flashed him a grin and wink.
“Pretty sure you know I’m never going to refuse an offer of one of your breakfasts, love,” he said, resting his chin on his hand. “But I think you also know I can’t resist winding you up before the day’s even started,” he added. Jason twisted around to face him properly, smothering a smile and narrowing his eyes at Howard.
“You’re a terrible person, Donald,” he told him before turning back to plate up the breakfast. As he turned and came over to set the plate down in front of Howard he was smiling, eyes bright as he pulled a face at him. “Now shut up and eat up. I won the coin toss at the Barlow’s staff meeting last night, which means today we’re reorganising the records.” He leant on the breakfast bar opposite Howard, bringing his face teasingly close but keeping enough distance to prevent Howard closing it with a kiss. “Besides, we have to pick up your daughter on the way – since she’s about as good at timekeeping as her dad, I figured we should probably try and get there early to chivvy her along.”
“Well then, your wish? My command,” Howard said, leaning forwards ever so slightly. Jason smirked and mirrored the gesture, bringing his lips even closer to Howard’s.
“Your breakfast? Going cold.” he whispered – teasingly close for a second until he quickly pushed himself away from the breakfast bar before Howard could steal the kiss. Howard chuckled slightly, shaking his head.
“You’re a bad man, Jason Orange,” he told him, and Jason smiled fondly back at him, relenting slightly and leaning back against the breakfast bar to give Howard the kiss that had been eluding him.
“Now eat,” he warned, leaning back again and smothering a smile as Howard made a grab for his hand, pulling him around the breakfast bar and tugging him closer.
“It’s not my fault that you. Are just. So. Beautiful,” Howard murmured, interspersing his words with kisses that he pressed along Jason’s neck and jaw-line. Jason’s eyes shone as Howard pressed one final kiss to his lips, slowly deepening it and sliding his hand up the back of his shirt to flatten his palm against his back. Howard felt Jason’s arm winding around the back of his neck and he smiled into the kiss before finally leaning back and oh-so-casually picking up his fork and tucking into his breakfast.
“Mm,” Jason whimpered softly as their lips parted and he stood for a moment, watching Howard with narrowed eyes, his arm still resting loosely across Howard’s back. Howard smirked playfully up at him out of the corner of his eye and his boyfriend pouted, blue eyes annoyed and amused as he regarded him thoughtfully. “Now who’s the bad man?” he muttered, smacking Howard lightly on the arm before turning away and heading over to the kitchen counter to make a start on the dishes. Howard simply chuckled, shrugging idly.
“I bet you wish you’d had a different wish now don’t you,” he said, grinning unashamedly when Jason shot him a withering look over his shoulder.
“Eat before I hurt you,” Jason warned him with a smile.
***
Mark stood in the middle of the flat, his hands on hips and his round face scrunched in mild confusion. Gary Barlow’s flat was not very different to Gary Barlow’s shop, he found: stacks of songbooks filled tables, mugs balanced on top of them, and the smart and relatively modern furniture looked somehow out of place next to the boxes of old records and parts of pianos. Old books, trinkets and knick-knacks adorned almost every surface, making the lounge a cross between a second-hand book shop and a car boot sale. Of course, in Gary’s defence, it wasn’t always quite so haphazard and untidy, but every now and again Gary’s attention would lapse and he’d get lost to his song-writing and it didn’t take long for things to get out of hand. Today, a guitar had been allowed use of the armchair and a keyboard had usurped the TV at the head of the room and various boxes and stacks of papers had been moved around to allow the instruments more space. With a sigh Mark concluded that – even if his hat was here – he wouldn’t be able to spot it amidst the chaos, so he turned on his heel sharply and headed off down the corridor.
“Gaz, you seen my hat?” he called hopefully as he went, sticking his head in through the bedroom door. His question was met with an indecipherable mumble from Gary, who was sitting on the bed, rubbing at his eyes and stifling a yawn. Gary wasn’t that great with mornings; he wasn’t quite at Howard Donald’s level of duvet-hogging, but – Mark had come to realise since moving in with him – there would be none of the usual Barlow patter before he’d had his morning tea. In fact, after tea and breakfast, he could actually almost pass for a morning person – however, they were still in the pre-tea phase, so Mark simply chuckled to himself, knowing he’d get no sense out of him, before making his way back out of the bedroom and heading for the spare room.
Gary’s spare room wasn’t really a spare room; the sparsely-furnished room was a more of a music room that could occasionally double as a home studio or even a band rehearsal space. In the corner stood some bulky, dated-looking recording equipment and there was a small piano on the other side, a cluster of instruments, microphone stands and old stereo equipment gathered around it, whilst over by the back wall sat a sound desk of sorts, a tatty old wheelie chair pushed under it and shelves full of homemade CDs and cassettes lining the wall above. A small, old sofa was the only other furniture, though currently it was playing home to Mark’s guitar collection, whilst a few stray boxes of Mark’s clothes also littered the floor, waiting to be properly sorted through. It wasn’t the tidiest of existences but it suited Mark just fine; he found a certain homeliness to the chaos, liked the way that everything felt just a little lived in and worn. Glancing around the room one final time he spotted the hat in question, sitting on top of the piano along with yesterday’s t-shirt, and suddenly it occurred to him exactly why his hat had been misplaced.
“C’mere gorgeous, you ready yet?” Gary asked, husky-voiced, as he appeared behind Mark, wrapping his arms around the smaller man’s waist and kissing his cheek. Mark tilted his head slightly to flash him a smile.
“Just about. I remembered where I left my hat now too,” he smiled with amusement, nodding towards the piano. Laughter gleamed in Gary’s blue eyes and he pressed a kiss to Mark’s shoulder.
“I think you mean where I left your hat actually,” he mumbled into Mark’s shirt before disentangling himself and moving off down the corridor. “Just a quick brew and we’ll get off. Jay got his way last night so it’s all hands on deck for the big re-organisation of the records. And the songbooks too if he can get away with it,” Gary cast back over his shoulder, letting out another yawn. Mark shook his head with a grin, quickly collecting his hat before hurrying after Gary, a sudden spring in his step.
“Well I don’t mind helping out when I’m done at the caff. A day together in the shop sounds fun; we’ll call it a band meeting,” he declared happily as he came into the kitchen. Gary looked at him sceptically, though there was a quiet gleam in his eyes.
“Must you always be so optimistic, Marko?” he sighed, and Mark simply shrugged.
“I have to be. If I don’t think positive I go crazy,” he replied.
***
Somehow managing to open the shop door with Mark still wrapped in his arms, Gary tumbled across the threshold, laughing as Mark twisted in his embrace. He spun the two of them round awkwardly, just managing to shut the door behind them as Mark deepened their kiss. He was sure he was partially tangled in Mark’s scarf by this point, but as he felt Mark laughing against him he decided he didn’t care, walking to the two of them further into the shop. The moment was, however, interrupted suddenly by the sound of someone pointedly clearing their throat and Gary immediately stilled, slowly letting his grip on Mark loosen and looking over his shoulder at where Howard, Jason and Grace were all sat on the shop’s steps watching them. Howard and Jason looked amused, whilst Grace looked like she’d had quite enough of this sort of display from her dad and Jason and wasn’t impressed to see Mark and Gary joining in. Gary felt his cheeks turning an unflattering shade of red at Jason’s amused gaze, and he stepped awkwardly out of his embrace with Mark, who, for his part, simply chuckled, as unfazed as ever.
“Is that what they call the honeymoon phase?” Howard asked no-one in particular and Jason smothered a laugh, smacking him half-heartedly on the arm. He was leaning slightly against Howard, the two of them sitting as close as was possible without one of them being on the other’s lap, and it occurred dimly to Gary that neither one had any room to mock him and Mark really, though for some reason he didn’t give the thought voice.
“I can’t believe I just had to watch that,” Grace remarked, her chin resting on her hand and a mixture of boredom and unease on her face. “I can’t believe how often I have to watch that,” she corrected idly and Jason smirked.
“You’ve seen worse,” he pointed out, and Gary shot them a curious look, making Jason laugh. “Not mine and Howard’s fault, actually. Her best friend’s big brother. And it wasn’t as awful as you’re imagining,” he explained, though Grace’s face was twisted in disgust.
“No. It was every bit as awful. I’ve known him since I was three…it was weird and gross.” Then she looked up at Jason and Howard sceptically. “It’s still worse when it’s my own dad though,” she said and Howard chuckled.
“Well that’s you told,” Jason remarked.
“The way I see it it’s all your fault anyway,” Howard shot back and Jason nodded sceptically.
“Sure. Keep telling yourself that, love,” he nodded, taking a sip of his tea in an attempt to hide his amused smile. Howard elbowed him lightly and the two exchanged a knowing glance, matching grins on their lips.
“Urgh,” Grace sighed, shaking her head huffily, though there was a slight curve upwards at the corner of her lips that Gary couldn’t help but notice.
“You know, I was under the impression we were here to work, not mock each other,” he said, folding his arms, and Jason and Howard looked over at him then, trying to smother their amusement and failing. “Haven’t you got records to be sorting?” Gary asked them, and at his side Mark let out a chuckle.
“You want to watch out, Jay. He’s in full Captain mode today,” he warned lightly and Jason smiled, his eyes dancing even as he inclined his head in a gesture of defeat.
“Ok. C’mon, Gracie – let’s make a start. And your dad can make us all some more tea,” he suggested, getting to his feet and handing his empty mug over to Howard, who pulled a face.
“What did your last slave die of?” he questioned good-naturedly, also standing up and contradicting his words by pressing a brief, chaste kiss to Jason’s lips, flashing him a wink before making his way down the stairs and heading for the kitchenette, whistling to himself cheerfully.
“Ok, well – I’m off to the caff for now, but I’ll come over and help later, ok?” Mark smiled, clapping his hands together and glancing up at Gary briefly before raising up onto his tiptoes to give his cheek a peck.
“Oh, it’s alright for you – leaving me here alone with the trio of judgement,” he replied dryly.
“Shut up, Barlow, you know you love us,” Jason grinned as he headed up the stairs with a smirking Grace in tow. “See you later, Markie,” he added, and Mark gave him a quick salute before turning back to look at Gary.
“You’ll be fine and you know it. Just remind Grace who’s teaching her how to play piano and she’ll probably be on your side before long,” he pointed out and Gary chuckled. Mark nodded, satisfied that Gary’s spirits were lifted, and turned on his heel, heading for the door.
“Love you,” he called back over his shoulder and Gary smiled.
“Love you too,” he replied.
As the shop door swung closed behind Mark, Gary sighed and took an appraising look around the shop. Having Mark in his flat meant it was becoming increasingly odd not to find him around every corner. It was slightly jarring every time he left the room, somehow disorientating to him even when Mark was only going to be gone for an hour or so. He craved his company, was always desperate to know what crazy comment he might make in any given situation, or what daft-but-sweet thing he might come out with next. But he supposed he’d just have to deal with it – after all, Jason had gone for almost a month without being able to speak more than two words to Howard and yet he’d avoided moping. Gary would have to ask him his secret, he supposed.
Upstairs, Jason and Grace were sorting records into stacks and flicking through the boxes of new records that hadn’t yet been put out for sale, shuffling through them and adding them to the growing stacks whilst bantering easily back and forth. Howard and been and gone with Jason’s tea, leaving the two of them to get on with the work whilst he kept Gary company running the shop downstairs. Grace didn’t really mind; as much as she complained about Jason and her dad, she never really meant much of it. The truth was she adored Jason every bit as much as her dad did: he was one of those rare adults who talked to her as an equal and always made sure she was included, not letting her get forgotten about just because he wanted to spend time with her dad. Even before her dad and Jason had moved in together, there had always been something slightly different about her relationship with Jason than that which she’d had with anyone her dad had dated before – she spent more time with the two of them than she had in the past, and often it wasn’t because plans had changed but because Jason had been happy to include her. Jason knew the names of her friends and who her favourite teachers were, he teased her the same way her dad did and always knew how to make her laugh – it was comfortable and she knew how lucky she was. Her best friend Izzy wouldn’t let her forget it, always telling her stories of her own parents’ dating choices and shuddering theatrically. It was something she’d kept in mind when her dad had had a hushed conversation with her that morning before the two of them climbed into the car with Jason; her dad had always asked her before he made any big decisions in his life that would affect her, the two of them had always been a team since she was tiny – she was close to her dad and she often wished she could spend more time with him, missing his company immensely during the week, even if he was always just a phone call away. Perhaps it was that closeness that had meant she’d almost anticipated what her dad was going to ask her before she asked it, or perhaps it was something about Jason and the way she had seen he and her dad be with each other in the time since they’d first met. Either way there hadn’t been a moment’s hesitation – no uneasiness in her mind – when her dad asked what she thought he should do. In fact, it was the opposite: she had begged him to let her somehow help, longing to be a part of something so important and exciting, something that would give her a whole new way of viewing her family.
And of course, her dad had been as accommodating as he always was when Grace begged him to be let in on a mission: he’d given her a job to do with a laugh and a wink and Grace had insisted she would come through for him before the day was even over. Of course, as determined as she was, she knew she had to be creative. Jason was sharp and he could almost always tell when she or her dad were up to something – she needed to get information out of him, but she had to sound like she was asking for some specific purpose so that she could explain it away if he pressed.
After a while an easy silence fell between the two of them, and Grace used the time by subtly watching Jason out of the corner of her eye. His brow was creased ever so slightly as he frowned down at the record in his hands and then glanced at the growing stacks around him with narrowed eyes. Deciding that having him at least partially distracted could only help her cause, she set down the record she was holding and pulled her knees up to her chest, resting her chin on them and drawing in a breath. She supposed she should find this whole situation weird; sometimes she found it hard to explain when her friends questioned her over just how much her dad allowed her to know and just how invested she had become in his and Jason’s relationship as a result. But she was so used to it that she found she didn’t care how unusual it might seem to others; it worked and it made both her and her dad happy, made things seem easier between them than things ever seemed to be between her friends and their parents.
“Did dad tell you why I didn’t come over last weekend?” she asked suddenly, and Jason looked up.
“Your aunt’s wedding?” he asked, quirking an eyebrow, and Grace smiled, nodding. Not much got past Jason, after all.
“Yeah. My mum and me went together – she said I needed to act as a distraction so people wouldn’t ask her where her stupid boyfriend was. He didn’t want to come – mum wouldn’t tell me why but I know she wasn’t happy about it.” Grace pulled a face and Jason laughed.
“Yeah. She said as much to me on the phone the other day. You don’t seem too impressed either, kiddo,” he pointed out and Grace smiled lopsidedly back at him, shrugging.
“Only because she’s annoyed about it. I don’t like him anyway so I was glad he didn’t go.” Jason laughed and Grace wrinkled her nose. “Mum likes him though. A lot. I think she keeps expecting him to ask her to marry him. It winds her up every time she thinks he’s going to and then it turns out differently,” she explained with thinly veiled contempt and Jason nodded knowingly.
“I’m guessing you feel differently about it, judging by the look on your face,” he pointed out gently, looking up from what he was doing to flash Grace an understanding smile.
“Well I don’t want her to marry him, so it’s fine by me,” she shrugged and Jason laughed.
“You really don’t like the guy, do you,” he said and Grace sighed, shrugging.
“Well he’s stupid. And dad’s spoiled me by dating you,” she replied dismissively. Jason’s eyes twinkled, and he quickly looked away. “You’re not stupid. You’re fun. And you actually talk to me and stuff.” Grace bit her lip and looked down, suddenly shy. “You and dad are funny and you actually make each other laugh and stuff instead of complaining about each other all the time. I think that’s what mum doesn’t get when she tells me off for not giving him as much of a chance as I give you.” She risked a glance back up. Jason was still looking at the records he was sorting, but she could tell from the expression on his face that he was listening no less intently. “For the record, dad could marry you and I wouldn’t mind. I think I’d kind of like it, actually,” she said thoughtfully at last. Jason smiled then, looking over at her and finally setting down the record he was holding, leaning back on his hands to study her face.
“Ok. Well, that’s good to know,” he said slowly. “And how long exactly have you been waiting to reveal that bit of information?” Grace grinned mischievously, recognising the playful smile on Jason’s face and finding herself reassured that he wasn’t too suspicious.
“I don’t know. Since I decided you were cool?” she suggested.
“Ah, so I’m cool am I – are you sure about that?” Jason laughed, arching an eyebrow at her, and Grace beamed back at him confidently.
“Yeah. But don’t tell dad because I’ll never live it down,” she told him.
“Deal,” he chuckled, sitting up straighter and returning to the task at hand.
Grace let him carry on in silence for a moment, trying to let it seem as though she was merely idly wondering instead of deliberately pushing the conversation forwards. She traced patterns on the records in front of her and tried to bite back her smile. The sound of Gary and her dad’s voices drifted up the stairs and an easy peace fell upon the shop. Finally Grace sat back, regarding Jason carefully.
“What if my dad did ask you to marry him?” she asked. “What would you say?” Jason paused and looked over at her, a perplexed smile on his lips.
“Is this something you go round asking people a lot, kiddo?” he laughed softly, and Grace shrugged casually, looking down.
“No. But I told you; I wouldn’t mind. And I think if dad ever did marry anyone he’d marry you – so I’m just mentally preparing myself. You know, just in case. I mean…you’ve not answered my question anyway. So…what would you say if he did?” Jason shook his head slightly, an amused smile on his lips, but Grace could tell he was genuinely considering her question. The look in his eyes was strangely unreadable, but as he glanced away Grace noticed his smile change from amused to something else. After a pause he looked up at her thoughtfully, his expression one of genuine care.
“Well let’s put it this way: I wouldn’t say no,” he told her softly. Grace smiled, meeting his eyes and nodding slowly.
“Cool,” she murmured, trying to hide her grin, and Jason chuckled, the sound warm and fond, the playfulness returning to his expression.
“Why do I get the feeling I just passed some kind of secret test of yours for your parents’ boyfriends?” he asked, his tone teasing, and Grace rolled her eyes theatrically.
“I’m only wondering, Jay – you’re not that special,” she shot back with a laugh. Jason smiled, nodding sceptically.
“No, the truth is you’re just hoping for an excuse to eat cake,” he told her, eyes narrowed jokingly. “A trait I suspect you get from your father, actually,” he added with feigned despair, rolling his eyes for effect and making Grace have to fight not to giggle.
“I’ll tell him you said that,” she said, attempting a pout.
“It’s nothing I’ve not said to his face,” Jason shrugged, grinning, and Grace lost her battle to not laugh. Jason winked at her then, before slowly turning back to his task.
It took everything she had, but Grace forced herself to continue helping him, trying to push down her excited smile and look as though she had put the conversation behind them. But after five minutes had passed, she couldn’t bring herself to pretend any longer and she sat back from the box of records she had been flicking through abruptly.
“Shouldn’t dad be helping us with this?” she asked suddenly, and Jason looked up with a grin.
“I think that was the plan, although I don’t know how much use he’d be.” Grace smiled at him, shrugging idly.
“I don’t see why he should get let off though, not if I have to help,” she pointed out. “I’m going to go get him,” she nodded determinedly, and Jason simply smiled knowingly, going back to work as Grace got to her feet.
“Go ahead, kiddo,” he told her, amused, and Grace simply nodded, rushing across the small upstairs room and clattering down the stairs.
Grace loved the shop, and she adored Gary and Mark almost as much as she did Jason – they treated her like the five of them were family and she treated them the same way in return. Gary was always delighted by her love of music, Mark was always fun and talkative and Jason was full of stories, and the more time she and her dad had spent at the shop before he and Jason began dating, the more they had begun to learn that the three men had lived lives as colourful as the shop itself – even her dad’s life seemed almost dull in their midst. From Grace’s understanding, Gary had ended up at the shop after his incredibly normal life had been altered forever by his growing love for music and song-writing. His passion had taken him through challenge after challenge, battling for a break and auditioning for everything that came his way. He’d been knocked back so far that at one point it had actually taken an intervention to pull him back from despair – and that was where her dad’s boyfriend had come into the picture. Jason was an unusual sort – simultaneously a thinker and a show off, a smiler and a worrier. In so many ways he was just another Mancunian lad from a big, messy family – perhaps a little bit more neurotic than most, but down to earth and honest, undeniably genuine if a little guarded before he grew to trust someone. You could be forgiven for overlooking him a little – he could be quiet, reserved even when he wasn’t in the best of moods. Despite his handsome face, dazzling blue eyes and winning smile, Jason didn’t always turn on the charm, couldn’t quite bring himself to some days. He had, however, done what lads like him did; left school, got a job, got on with life. His original passion had been his dancing – and he’d gone far with it once, a respected break-dancer and a talented one too. He’d met Gary at an audition and the two had stayed friends. Life had carried on, Gary had continued to work hard and Jason had gone back to college, saved up money from part time jobs and gone travelling for a while, even learned to play guitar. And then Gary Barlow had bought his music shop and Jason found himself back in Manchester, casually putting his knowledge of psychology to good use when Gary faltered. Not that Jason could take all the credit for Barlow’s Music Shop still being standing: the way Gary and Jason told it, Mark Owen had waltzed onto Oldham Street – guitar in hand – one cold Manchester winter when Barlow’s Music Shop had needed him most. Gary had heard him busking one day and hadn’t been able to get that warm, quirky voice out of his head. Jason was the one who first spoke to him – amused and frustrated in equal measure by Gary’s insistence that he didn’t want to be rude and interrupt Mark’s busking efforts. Jason had been the one who found out about Mark’s story; his time in the bank and his natural talent for small talk, some vague hint of a troubled past and relationships best left forgotten, and a love of music that had helped him survive it all. And eventually Mark had come inside – becoming a shop decoration for a while before Jason had put a word in for him at the cafe, helping Mark to create a niche for himself as Oldham Street’s top song-writing stylist masquerading as a sunny-smiling cafe waiter. The three of them had formed their band, gone on adventures, met her dad and made even more music ever since, forming a tight-knit little group with their own codes of conduct and well-worn in-jokes, half the time speaking a language only the four of them seemed to be able to understand. Grace loved the warmth of it, the way one of them only had to say one word on a miserable morning and suddenly, inexplicably, they’d all be laughing, incapable of forming coherent sentences through their shared glee.
She found Gary and her dad in the piano room. Her dad was in the arm chair, Gary at his favourite baby-grand, and the two of them were both laughing, Gary desperately trying to get to the end of his story but unable to as Howard’s occasional interruptions made Gary’s resolve crumble. Grace simply rolled her eyes at the two of them, hopping down the step into the room and skipping up to her dad excitedly, her hair flying out wildly behind her.
“Hi, Sweetheart,” he dad greeted as he noticed her, holding out his arms to her and lifting her up onto his lap once she’d run the final distance between them. “How’s it going up there?” he asked, his face still creased with amusement but his eyes intent and expectant upon his daughter as she beamed up at him excitedly.
“You’re going to like it,” she said, bouncing and turning her beaming face up to look at her dad, eyes sparkling knowingly. Howard’s eyebrows raised slightly in hope and Gary frowned, confused, looking between the two of them.
“You sure your dad is going to be that excited about our new filing system? Because let me tell you, Gracie, I’m not excited. I’m kind of dreading it actually – I’m never going to learn how it works. But I’m sure I’ll get the blame when it all goes wrong.” Gary shook his head. “It’s always the same,” he said wryly, finishing off the dregs of his tea before getting up and moving towards the kitchenette to make more. “Brew, Howard?” he offered, but Howard was still looking at his daughter with a hopeful smile on his face.
“I’m alright thanks Gaz,” he said without looking up and Gary simply nodded, disappearing out of the room and whistling to himself cheerily.
“So are you going to tell me or am I going to have to tickle it out of you?” Howard asked, and Grace simply giggled, deliberately keeping her lips pursed and pretending to mull over her dad’s question. Howard wasn’t willing to be patient, however, and launched into his attack immediately, making Grace squeal.
“Ok! Ok! Stop!” she squeaked breathlessly, trying to wriggle free of his grip. “Ok, please! I’ll tell you, I promise!” Howard laughed, finally relenting and letting his daughter catch her breath. “Just so you know, though, it’s really weird you getting me to propose to your boyfriend for you,” Grace told him as she finally recovered herself, sticking her tongue out at him for emphasis. Howard rolled his eyes fondly, poking her lightly in the ribs and laughing.
“I know you know that’s not what I told you to do – and you begged me to let you help anyway. Now tell me what Jay told you.” Grace smiled, bouncing once more and leaning back against her dad’s chest.
“He said he wouldn’t say no,” she let out, tipping her head back to look up into her dad’s face, her smile breaking into a grin when she saw the smile on his face. “I knew he wouldn’t anyway, though. You and Jason are just…special,” she added confidently and Howard chuckled, kissing the top of her head fondly.
“I’m glad you think that, Gracie. It really helps, I promise,” he told her softy, giving her a tight squeeze. “Now what do you say you stay down here with Gaz while I go let Jay lecture me for not helping up there?” Grace smiled, nodding furiously before hopping off his lap and heading for the kitchen and, laughing, Howard pushed himself up out of the chair.
When Howard reached the top of the stairs, he paused, reluctant to break the stillness of the moment he was encroaching on. Jason was stood by one of the central units where the records were stored, his head bent slightly to read the cover of a record which he was turning over in his hands. He was framed in a soft shade of gold by the shaft of light that fell through the small window, the sunlight catching his face and making his blue eyes seem to glitter. Howard’s lips turned up at the corners and he folded his arms, watching, mesmerized by the way Jason’s unguarded expression looked beneath the mixture of sunlight and shadow.
“Stunning,” he said quietly at last, his voice making Jason look up instantly, a surprised smile touching his lips as he tilted his head to one side.
“Actually, it is rather,” he said, some knowing look in his eyes that didn’t escape Howard’s attention. “You know, I’ve not heard this song in ages – but it’s one of those hidden gems of the 70s if you ask me.” Howard had crossed the distance between them by now, and he smiled at Jason softly, placing his hands on his hips and leaning their foreheads together.
“Actually, love, I wasn’t talking about the record,” he murmured and Jason narrowed his eyes at him, gracefully stepping away from Howard just before he was able to kiss him. He shot a knowing look over his shoulder as he made his way across to the corner of the room, where a record player stood at the end of a rack of rare records.
“Now listen to me, Howard Donald, you can’t blind me with compliments. All that electronic music you love so much has got nothing on a quality hook,” he said, setting up the record player and then turning back to face Howard with smile. “This is Could It Be Magic. My mum used to love it – not her usual sort of thing but I remember it,” he shrugged as the song began, and Howard couldn’t deny it was beautiful. Jason crossed back towards him, reaching up to place his arms around his neck and stretching, catlike, so his weight was balanced entirely on Howard. “Much better,” he informed Howard in murmur, looking up into his face for a moment, his smile teasing, before finally pressing a kiss to Howard’s lips. As they pulled back from each other, Howard chuckled.
“Ok. You win,” he said, smiling at the way Jason’s laugh vibrated against his ribs. “But you should know, Barry Manilow wouldn’t go down too well in my sets. Maybe if someone did a more upbeat version, I’d be more sold on it,” he teased and Jason rolled his eyes in mock-despair, tipping his head back for a moment before straightening up abruptly and putting his forehead against Howard’s.
“There’ve been upbeat versions – but we’re talking about a thing of beauty here. Can’t you appreciate a bit of beauty, Donald?” Jason questioned softly, eyes gleaming as he looked into Howard’s.
“Funnily enough, I’m appreciating it right this moment,” Howard replied, his hand running slowly up Jason’s spine. Jason narrowed his eyes a little, well aware he was being seduced but not entirely against the prospect, and Howard was about to pull him into another kiss when the shop’s bell abruptly shattered the peace, making Jason laugh and suddenly step out of the embrace with a playful wink.
“Better luck next time,” he told Howard gently, moving towards the stairs, and Howard groaned in protest.
“Am I ever going to have you all to myself again?” Jason smiled at him sympathetically over his shoulder as they trudged down the stairs.
“Chin up, love. You’ll get your chance – I know your schedule, remember? It’s weeks ‘til your next job and I’m pencilled in to be all yours ‘til then,” he said, taking Howard’s hand in his and giving it a squeeze, the gesture counterbalancing the teasing air to his words.
Downstairs, Mark was standing in the middle of the shopfloor, a bemused Gary and Grace staring back at him, matching frowns on their faces. As Howard and Jason appeared on the stairs, Mark quickly turned to look up at them, one of his widest smiles plastered across his face as he bounced on his heels.
“You won’t believe what just happened,” he let out in a rush of breath.
“You won’t be able to get enough sense out of him to believe it, more like,” Gary remarked, his voice amused and lightly teasing. Mark waved a dismissive hand at him. “Quite down, Barlow, I’m trying to tell a story here,” he said, his focus staying on Howard and Jason as they finally reached the bottom of the stairs. Gary simply chuckled, shaking his head slightly, though he – like Howard, Jason and Grace – continued to look at Mark expectantly, his excitement palpable even if his gabbled explanations as he’d come in the door had made very little sense.
For a moment no one moved, all eyes train on Mark, who stood bathed in the glow of the sunlight that filtered through the room, his brown hair wild as though he had run all the way from the cafe. White noise played in Gary’s ears as he waited for the chocolate and chilli of Mark’s voice to break through the peace; to him it was as if there was one spotlight and one microphone and Mark had been given sole use – the man overpowered him sometimes and it made him smile.
“Are you pausing for suspense or did you forget what you came to tell us?” Jason asked, chuckling. One eyebrow was raised and there was a wry smile on his lips – it wouldn’t be the first time Mark forgot his train of thought halfway through a sentence and burst into their shop only to tell them he couldn’t remember why it had been so important. But this time Mark seemed intent upon something, even as he stuck his tongue out at Jason.
“One time,” he protested, weakly, knowing full well it had been at least three times but not wanting to admit it. Jason simply nodded knowingly.
“Ok then, so are we going to have to guess?” he asked.
“You’ve developed an addiction to cheesecake and left some poor customer without their Saturday lunchtime treat?” Howard ventured, nodding at what Mark was holding in his hand. Mark frowned before finally realising he was still holding onto table five’s extra-large coffee and strawberry cheesecake, and wincing slightly, setting them down on the nearest surface.
“Not funny, Howard,” he said, though his eyes glittered and he couldn’t hide his smile.
“Did you really run down the street with that?” Gary chuckled affectionately and Mark grinned.
“Well it didn’t come here on its own,” he shrugged. “Anyway, that’s not the point! Something just happened in the caff that you will not believe.”
“Go on, Markie, what happened?” Jason laughed softly, slowly sitting himself down on the stairs and letting Grace come over to join him, obligingly pulling her into a hug when she tugged on his arm. She ended up half-leaning against his knee and half-sitting on him, his arms around her and his chin resting on her shoulder as she smiled happily to herself, pretending not to notice the knowing look her father gave her as he sat down on the step above Jason’s.
“You know BBC are moving loads of their studios up to Salford soon, right?” Mark was asking. Jason pulled a face in response.
“Don’t remind me. Do you know how much the rent for our apartment’s gone up since all this development started? The whole area’s gone mad,” he sighed. “But what’s that got to do with you bursting in here with a stolen cheesecake?” Mark rolled his eyes.
“It means that people from all over the place keep washing up in Manchester. Do you know how many of these London-executive types keep prowling around the place? It’s crazy. People from the BBC’s breakfast news keep showing up too. And music people…” Mark trailed off, looking expectantly at the faces in front of him and finding himself disappointed when they stared blankly back at him. “So sometimes they end up on our street. And today it happened again. Only this time it was someone from Polydor who showed up at the caff – came in just now and actually got talking to me,” he told them, widening his eyes for emphasis.
“Wait, Polydor as in the record label?” Gary was the first to cotton on, eyes suddenly alert.
“I hope that’s not his cheesecake,” Grace said dryly, sounding oddly grown-up for her age and making the others smirk.
“I think she’s been spending too much time with Jason,” Howard remarked with a sly grin, and Jason turned to smack him playfully before pulling Grace close.
“Don’t listen to your dad, he’s got no room to talk,” he said with a mischievous grin, casting a sidelong glance back at Howard as Grace laughed.
“Anyway, whose fault would it be if she was spending too much time with him – I don’t see you complaining, Howard Donald,” Gary put in, chuckling.
“He’s got you there,” Jason agreed and Howard pulled a face.
“I think we all know it would be Jay’s fault, actually,” he said, ducking out of the way as Jason tried to smack him again. “You know it’s true,” he joked as Jason shook his head despairingly, unable to hide his smile.
“Lads, can we focus?!” Mark interrupted – his eyes were amused but his plea was determined and everyone quickly smothered their grins and looked back over at him apologetically. “The guy’s been up here doing some ongoing music charity project with the BBC, coming back and forth up to Manchester a lot, you know the stuff. Anyway, he went on the news this morning apparently, but I didn’t see anything about it. But the point is, when I went to take his order he recognised me.” Off his friends’ disbelieving looks, Mark decided to press on with his story. “Look, do you remember the week after Jay was in hospital and…well, you know, all the crazy stuff that happened and everything?” he asked, wincing slightly at having to bring up the awkward topic of his former boyfriend returning back into his life through an unfortunate turn of events that landed Jason with a night's stay in hospital and Mark and Gary with their worst argument to date.
“The week I wasn’t allowed to leave my own home without a bodyguard and a foot of bubble wrap round me, you mean?” Jason asked, smiling up at Howard with a look that was part-amusement and part-affection.
“I offered you the option of a hamster ball,” Howard shot back with a half-hearted pout. Grace giggled and Jason poked her in the ribs.
“Hey, you, don’t encourage him,” he joked, kissing her temple then looking back up at Mark. “What about that week, Mark?” Mark smiled at him gratefully, glad that he was making the effort to stay on topic.
“We played at that pub near the Palace Theatre that week – you remember? And our songs went down so well we actually got asked to do an encore and the only song left to sing didn’t have a complete harmony written yet so Howard and Jay had to improvise?” Mark continued and Gary nodded slowly.
“You on guitar, me on piano…”
“And me and Jay trying to figure out what the hell was going on,” Howard added.
“I don’t know, love, you seemed to have it pretty much under control by the end,” Jason remarked thoughtfully and Gary nodded.
“He’s got an ear for a harmony our Howard.”
“Well it must’ve worked, because the guy from the label was at that show and he remembered all of it. Even our thrown together ‘Up All Night’ improv. I think he said that was his favourite part, you know.” Mark looked at their disbelieving faces and folded his arms indignantly. “Seriously!” he insisted.
“Markie, you’re not pulling my leg are you?” Gary asked steadily.
“Gaz, you know I wouldn’t mess with you,” Mark told him earnestly. “I promise. He stopped me as he was going out the door and asked me if I was from the band he saw that night and I said yes, told him about us and the shop. He asked for our number so I gave him the shop’s number. He said he’d call and try and set something up for us if we’re interested.” Mark shrugged. “Then I came here and told you lot – you know I wouldn’t run out on the caff like that if it wasn’t true.”
“In my experience, ‘we’ll call you’ rarely pans out,” Gary remarked cautiously, biting his lip, his forehead creasing into a frown. But Mark smiled fondly and moved over to him, placing a kind hand on his arm and pressing a single kiss to his lips, forcing Gary to meet his gaze.
“Well I think this is different. Trust me, Barlow – I can feel it,” he countered.
***
Two weeks on and the shop’s phone hadn’t rung once. It wasn’t a fact which had gone unnoticed, though the four of them tried their best to let it go unacknowledged. Of course, it was hard not to notice the way that Gary watched and watched it, keeping an eye on it at all times and refusing to leave the shop before the end of business hours each day. Eventually Jason had kicked him out of the shop entirely, ignoring his protests and all but pushing him out of the door, enlisting Mark’s services as a very effective distraction for a while here and there. Gary couldn’t say he blamed Jason, if he was honest. He knew he was probably too invested in the possibility of the phone ringing, and in any case, Jason had reason to be worried about him based on past experience. Jason had been there for him for many years now and he knew every trick in the book for taking Gary’s mind of things – he also knew exactly what the come-down would be if the call never came, and Gary suspected he was already putting his mind to thinking of ways to soften the blow should the worst case scenario happen. He supposed that if Jason was pressed he’d probably say he’d rather the phone didn’t ring at all – ever the practical one and never one to crave the spotlight with any burning passion, Jason saw through a lot of the trappings that came of record deals and the pursuit of any significant recognition in the music industry, saw the way it made people easy targets and exposed their weaknesses. Maybe a part of him thought it’d possibly be better for Gary in the long run if he never broke through, if he just carried on making his music for his own entertainment – but knowing Gary as he did, he probably also knew that would never be enough for him. Jason was a master of knowing what was best for others, he worried about it as a way to distract himself from what might be best for himself. That had begun to change over the past couple of years, of course. Howard seemed to shake at Jason’s foundations, seemed to pull him out from inside himself and just relax him. He still worried and he still turned thoughts over and over in his head, but he was more capable of setting it aside for a while, these days. As Jason’s friend, he was happy to see him so much more himself, so much less guarded and more open, at least when it was the four of them in the shop, and he knew that they were probably closer as a result. Howard’s friendship had come to mean just as much to him, of course, and he wasn’t sure how exactly there had been a time before him. And then there was Mark. Gary couldn’t help but think that perhaps Jason wasn’t the only one who had needed to let down some of his walls.
Mark’s friendship had been the beginning of Gary’s changing attitude to life, but it was their relationship which had changed him the most. He was beginning to feel less pressure to please, less like he needed to prove something to the world about himself or his talent. Because really, with Mark at his side and his shop (somehow) making a profit each year, how could he say he’d not already found success? It was something his mind still warred with itself over sometimes; when he was onstage with his three best friends in the world, singing songs and making people smile, it didn’t seem so much like official recognition mattered, as long as songs he had helped create were out in the world in some form. But there were other days when he longed to see his name in the printed booklet of an album, to see a crowd stretching out in front of him when he sang. And then Mark would take him by the hand and lead him through the park on a bright, spring day and suddenly none of it mattered either way; he was happy and needed nothing.
There was a light spring breeze on his face today, and Mark’s hand was clutched tightly in his own as the two of them walked, Mark talking in messy circles about some deep idea that had been playing on his mind and smiling at total strangers, his head bobbing and his round eyes bright and twinkling. He swung their clasped hands slightly as he hurried along and Gary felt more than a little proud to be walking through the park with someone so obviously bubbling over with energy and life, felt lucky that he was the one getting to walk side by side with one of life’s rare, beautifully complex souls.
“Earth to Barlow!” He was shaken from his thoughts by Mark’s musical laugh and he blinked, looking over at him dazedly only to recieve an amused grin for his troubles. “I was asking you about the shop,” Mark explained, nudging Gary’s shoulder with his own and then performing a hop-skip along the path to avoid a puddle. “Do you think you’ll need any help this weekend?”
“Why would I need help at the shop? Everything’s pretty much under control these days, isn’t it?” Gary frowned and Mark laughed, shaking his head.
“You have remembered you gave Jay the weekend off, haven’t you?” he asked, eyebrows quirked knowingly as realisation slowly dawned on Gary. “He wanted a couple of days just him and Howard so you told him you’d take the weekend to make up for all the phone-watching you’ve been doing this week.” Mark shrugged idly. “I’ve got the weekend off from the caff, though. So, you know…if you wanted company…”
“Would I ever say no to you?” Gary chuckled and Mark beamed at him in response. “Although I would like to point out that him and Howard have had plenty of alone time at that shop – and I don’t want to know what they’ve been getting up to!” He frowned slightly then. “There’s nothing going on between the two of them is there?” he asked and Mark shot him a part-amused, part-confused smile.
“Um, you have noticed they’ve been going out for more than two years now, haven’t you?! They kissed in the rain right outside your shop, Barlow, something is definitely going on between them,” he grinned teasingly before twirling himself under Gary’s arm and performing another hop-skip, this time letting go of Gary’s hand in order to launch himself over another, larger puddle without pulling Gary down into it. Gary rolled his eyes in fond frustration.
“Oh, I remember. They were out there so long some old lady came over to put her umbrella over the two of them! But that’s not really what I meant, Marko. I was just wondering if everything was alright – Howard’s schedule’s not been getting them down too much, has it?” Gary looked over at Mark enquiringly, and it didn’t escape his attention the way Mark couldn’t meet his eyes. He was biting on his lip and fiddling with the ends of his sleeves, clearly mulling something over, and Gary reached out to recapture his hand. “Come on, Marko, if you know something you need to tell me. Jay is my best mate, so I’d rather know.” Mark thought for a moment on whether he should say anything; he wasn’t the best at keeping secrets. It wasn’t that he wasn’t loyal, it was just that he couldn’t help talking to people and sometimes he got so excited with all the ideas and stories running round in his head that they would slip out before he had time to process whether or not they were his stories to tell. But this was Gary he was talking to – and Howard and Jason were their best friends, so he was bound to find out everything in time anyway, whether Mark let the secret out or not.
“Well…” he began, looking up at Gary from the corner of his eyes. “You know Grace and Howard have been all secretive lately?” Gary inclined his head in agreement and Mark glanced down, biting on his lip once more. “So I might’ve asked Grace about it when we were all at the shop the other day,” he admitted and Gary couldn’t help but smile.
“You cornered the kid didn’t you?”
“I didn’t blackmail her or anything! She couldn’t wait to tell me what was going on as soon as she realised I knew they were up to something. She couldn’t resist – she needed someone to be excited with her. You know, I think she loves Jay more than Howard does?” Mark was rambling now and Gary had to tug hard on his hand and pull him back to face him to make him stop, quickly taking a step closer and playfully leaning their foreheads together.
“Slow down, Marko – what is it that you know?” he asked. Mark’s eyes danced and he stood on his tiptoes, grinning impishly up at Gary.
“I know something even Jay doesn’t know,” he said, pausing for effect before suddenly bouncing on his heels and widening his eyes excitedly. “Howard’s going to ask him to marry him!” Gary’s mouth fell open, and Mark laughed delightedly at his expression, quickly ducking away from him and spinning over to a nearby bench, hopping up to stand on it.
“Are you telling me Howard is seriously going to ask Jay to marry him?!” Gary demanded, slowly looking over at Mark, who grinned sunnily back at him, shrugging.
“Seriously,” he assured him brightly. “Honest, Gaz, it’s the sweetest thing. He just loves him, you know? I know that goes without saying but…this is something else, Gaz. I think the two of them could really make it. It’s like the promises are already made, almost – they just want to prove it to everyone.”
“Jay hasn’t said yes yet,” Gary warned half-heartedly and Mark looked at him steadily.
“Well if he doesn’t then Grace will probably never forgive him,” he said after a moment and Gary chuckled.
“Funny isn’t it – I bet Howard would actually take it a lot better than she would.”
“It’s not a problem though. Jay’s going to say yes. Grace can’t keep a secret to save her life – she told me she’d already asked him.” Mark grinned at Gary’s disbelieving look. “Don’t look at me like that, Barlow – me and Grace are both as bad as each other when we’re trying to keep the lid on a good secret. She couldn’t wait to tell me.” He shrugged. “It’s not like we didn’t know it anyway. Jay’s been…different, since Howard. It’s like suddenly he feels safe enough to not be the strong one all the time. He loves Howard just as much as Howard loves him, you know.” Gary smiled at that, nodding thoughtfully.
“Yeah. I know,” he agreed quietly, strolling over to join Mark by the bench. “We’ve been friends a long time, so I know him better than he thinks – and I’m not one to pry but, I’ve known since the moment he laid eyes on Howard that there was something different about the two of them.” He shrugged. “I’ve never been so observant about my own life, but Jay’s? Jay’s I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on.”
Gary looked up at Mark then, smiling fondly. Stood up on the bench, his hand shielding his eyes from the sun, the April breeze ruffling his hair, Mark looked like an overgrown kid, his grin irrepressible. “And what about you, Marko? Have you ever been proposed to?” He didn’t really know why he asked it – as much as he wasn’t surprised by the idea that Howard wanted to marry Jason, he still found he couldn’t quite get his head around what exactly it was that had prompted it; how did he decide that that was what he wanted, how did he decide that he needed something more than just loving Jason and knowing he was loved in return? He looked up and realised Mark was studying his face curiously, as though he could read his thoughts, and when their eyes met he flashed him a warm, knowing smile.
“Would you get jealous if I told you I’d been proposed to three times?” he asked, his eyes suddenly playful, and Gary chuckled.
“Three times?” he asked, sceptically, and Mark nodded.
“The first two times were when I was working at the bank. One old lady and one even older old lady. And then one time at the caff there was some troubled-writer-type who came and sat in the corner one day and didn’t stop staring at me. When I brought him a coffee later, he asked if I believed in love at first sight and when I said maybe he asked if I’d marry him. I said no…he never came back to the caff again.” Mark shrugged, still grinning. “I think I broke his heart,” he remarked blithely, making Gary smile.
“I suppose I should’ve known you would’ve had offers. Jay’s the same, you know. People jokingly ask him to marry them all the time – the hazards of having a charming mind as well as a charming face, I believe. Me and Howard have no such problems,” he joked, and Mark smacked him lightly.
“Don’t do yourself down, Barlow – you’re not too bad to look at y’self you know. Although I s’pose it’s up for debate if your mind matches up to your face,” he teased. He paused then, tilting his head to one side. “I’m glad I’ve not been proposed to for real though. I don’t think I’ve ever been that sure of anything in my life, you know? Things change and people leave all the time – a ring doesn’t make it any less likely that you could just end up on your own.”
“Wow,” Gary remarked, his voice soft and a little startled. It never ceased to surprise him when the darker side of Mark’s nature was exposed – boundless optimism giving way to a troubling loneliness he seemed to always carry with him and that Gary suspected came of the fact that Mark felt everything to the maximum degree, the good and the bad of life. It was what made his music unique and fascinating, but sometimes it left a distance between them, as though there were places in Mark’s head that Gary simply didn’t dare go.
“Please tell me you weren’t about to propose and I just broke your heart?” Mark’s voice cut into Gary’s thoughts as he jumped suddenly down from the bench and looked anxiously up into Gary’s eyes. Gary couldn’t help but smile at his concern, chuckling softly.
“No, no! I’m just as much at a loss as you are, Marko. I think it’s important to Howard. And Jay. Grace too, maybe. But I think it’s something you can only know for yourself someday.” He looked thoughtfully at Mark then, biting his lip. “Although, there was something I wanted to ask you…”
“Okay, so ask me,” Mark shrugged.
“Well, now we’re both living at the flat together, I was wondering if…if maybe you wanted to get a puppy with me?” Gary glanced down, missing the way Mark’s eyes widened with glee. “I mean, I know we both had dogs as kids and I know we both miss the-” Gary’s words were cut off by Mark abruptly pressing a kiss to his lips, and he laughed in mild surprise. “Is that a yes?” he asked, amused, as Mark pulled back and grinned up at him wildly.
“Gary Barlow you are the most amazing man on the planet, you know that?” Mark said in reply, reaching up to give him a tight squeeze.
“Impossible if you’re on the planet too, Marko,” Gary told him softly, returning the hug. “Now how about we get back to Jason and share the news? Give you something to talk endlessly about without any danger of you spilling Howard’s secret.”
“Ok. But…just five more minutes here together. I really like being in this moment with you.”
***
It was one of those rare, cloudless April days when a hazy peace descended on the city – the sky blue and the whisper of the breeze calming. Jason and Howard’s apartment was always a suntrap – with its vast windows and open-plan design – but on days like today the whole place seemed to glow in shades of gold and amber, pretty shadows making patterns out of the sunbeams as the whole space filled with a quiet sort of warmth that lent itself to a certain unplaceable contentedness. There was nothing like the feeling of that sun-drenched living room and the gentle pressure of Jason’s body leaning against his own to make Howard smile. He was absently flicking through the channels, his attention not really on the television screen and his mind drifting off elsewhere – he saw his phone screen light up out of the corner of his eye and bit back a chuckle, knowing it would be yet another message from Grace, before flicking the TV off and letting his head drop back against the sofa cushions, taking a moment to close his eyes and collect his thoughts. It had taken all of his powers of persuasion to convince Grace to spend the day at her best friend Izzy’s house, but he knew she wasn’t used to being kept out of his plans deliberately and no doubt the suspense was killing her. He couldn’t quite bring himself to feel guilty, though – not after the morning he had spent with Jason. After dropping Grace off at Izzy’s, the two of them had stopped by one of their favourite cafes not far from the apartment and gone for a walk along the canal, the two of them drifting in and out of conversations and sharing casual silences, sometimes bumping shoulders, other times exchanging brief kisses, both feeling lazy and comfortable in the April sunshine and making the most of their rare chance to be alone together. And now Jason sat in the crook of Howard’s arm, the gentle pressure of his spine curving against Howard’s side as he rested against him, eyes intent upon the book his was reading, a slight frown of concentration creasing his face. If Grace’s constant messages made him suspicious, then he wasn’t letting it show, Howard thought idly, studying Jason’s unguarded expression with a fond smile. It was an expressive face; angular and handsome, some people made the mistake of thinking that’s what drew them in – but Howard knew better. It was the way that face of his was always changing, shifting between smiles and frowns, every thought and emotion there to be read. Honest, genuine and giving – it was who Jason was that held people, whether they were fully aware of that fact or not. It was something Howard had known, instinctively, the moment he’d first spoken to Jason. And Jason seemed to have recognized that in kind, all reservations and guards falling away when he first met Howard’s eyes. And maybe it hadn’t been love at first sight, exactly, because Howard wasn’t sure he believed in that concept. But it had been understanding at first sight. The sort of recognition people didn’t often find but once they had it was impossible to live without it.
“Jay,” Howard said softly, bending his head slightly to try and catch Jason’s eyes.
“Yeah?” Jason asked, glancing up at Howard, twisting ever so slightly to meet his gaze.
“Can I ask you something?” Howard ventured, suddenly shy. The light danced in Jason’s eyes and he couldn’t look away from his face, even as his nerves knotted in his chest. His lips were curved ever so slightly – the expression wasn’t a smile but it was fond and curious.
“I’m listening,” Jason murmured after a beat, closing his book, his finger still keeping his place but his attention solely on Howard, reassuring and calm.
“Jay, what would you say if…what would you say if I asked you to marry me?” Slowly Jason shifted his weight against him, looking up into Howard’s face with an unreadable expression as he tucked himself neatly against his side. He was curled towards Howard now, his eyes scanning his face quietly, his pale lips just starting to curve up at the corners.
“You’re holding your breath,” he said softly at last; a statement not a question, blue eyes shining. He regarded Howard’s face for a moment longer before learning forwards almost imperceptibly, their faces now as close as they could be without touching. “Are you? Asking me to marry you, I mean?” he asked and Howard felt a small smile tug at the very corner of his lips.
“Only if you’re gonna say yes,” he replied, suddenly glancing away. “Because I think if you don’t say yes then it might actually hurt more than anything has ever hurt me before.” Howard swallowed, keeping his eyes trained downwards, but by his side he felt Jason moving again. Gently – painfully tenderly – Jason touched a fingertip to his chin and Howard immediately looked back up, his eyes meeting Jason’s in a heartbeat.
“Howard Donald, I thought you knew me better than that,” he said, his voice quiet and laced with amusement and gentle reprimand. Howard smiled back at him then, reaching out a hand and placing it on Jason’s hip, his thumb slipping just beneath the hem of his shirt and brushing his skin. “Tell me you know me better than that,” Jason added, a definite smirk now playing on his lips, making Howard chuckle shyly.
“Yeah. I guess I do,” he replied gently before dipping his head and capturing Jason’s lips with his own, pulling him into a long, drawn out kiss. As the kiss deepened, Jason’s arms wound around Howard, his book long discarded as he began to lean back down onto the sofa, pulling Howard down with him. Howard smiled against Jason’s lips, enjoying the sensation of Jason’s body beneath him and the sun on his back, happy to lose all track of time.
Eventually, and with reluctance, Howard pulled away, though he kept their faces close, leaning back just enough so he could catch the look in Jason’s eyes as they slowly fluttered open to meet his gaze. Their noses touched as they both took a moment to slow their breathing and steady their heart rates, both men gathering their thoughts in the moment of quiet that passed between them. Howard stroked a finger tenderly down Jason’s face.
“You’re sure about this?” he asked, studying every line of Jason’s face for clues as to his answer. “You know what I am, Jay – who I am. And you know all the reasons why you and me being together is crazy,” he added, more quietly then, a twinge of guilt and fear briefly clutching at his ribcage and making every muscle in his body tense, just for a second. And then Jason smiled up at him, tipping his head up to press a single, firm kiss to his lips.
“You know the answer to that too, you daft beggar,” he told him as he pulled back, his voice low and firm, but also tender, a sweetness in his smile that was only reserved for their quietest moments together. Howard leant his forehead against Jason’s and swallowed hard.
“I know. I just thought I should remind you.”
“Listen to me, ok? I know you. And you know me. And you know that sometimes we’re going to argue and disagree and drive each other crazy. We’re both stubborn bastards too, though. And in the end there’s more reasons why we make sense than why we don’t.” Howard felt him cup his face in his hands and slowly he opened his eyes, looking into Jason’s open face and seeing a look of care and determination there that made him smile. “I don’t need to overanalyse this, Howard. Because I might question and doubt and worry about everything else – but I’ll always be sure of you.”
***
Jason stretched out his body as his eyes slowly flickered open. He squinted slightly against the bright sunlight shining into his eyes; the sun was high in the sky now and bathed the bed in hues of orange and gold, making patterns across his and Howard’s skin. Howard was still asleep beside him, halfway across his side of the bed, his face pressed into the crook of Jason’s neck and his arm slung loosely around his waist. Smiling slightly to himself, Jason carefully disentangled himself from Howard’s embrace, letting out a low half-chuckle when Howard mumbled something in his sleep, a frown crossing his features before he let out a long sigh and pressed his face into Jason’s pillow. Carefully and quietly he made his way over to the door, pausing briefly to look back at Howard and allowing his mind a moment to process everything. He wondered if he shouldn’t feel more anxious, more nervous about his decision and the significance of it all. But then he reminded himself that this was Howard – and there was no doubt or fear when it came to Howard. He had meant what he had told him earlier; for all the logical arguments and doubts he might have come up with in the past about marriage and relationships, there was nothing that could make him doubt Howard or what he meant to him. He smiled, looking at Howard sprawled out across the bed; it never took him long to fill up the space, stretching out like some demented starfish until all the covers were tangled around his limbs. He looked so peaceful, the very picture of the same contented calmness that had settled over Jason – this was the opposite of doubt, he thought happily as he pushed himself quietly off the doorframe. As tempting as it was to climb back into the bed with Howard, he needed a shower and he had to see to it that there was some half-decent food ready for their lunch.
After his shower Jason checked once more on Howard, who was still sound asleep, and now hugging a mixture of sheets and pillows close to his chest in Jason’s absence, face turned away from the sunlight as though in denial that it could possibly be the middle of the day. Howard always did relish the chance to be in bed in the afternoon, Jason thought with a small, amused chuckle. Towelling his hair dry, he made his way down the corridor, picking up his shirt from where it had been discarded on the sofa with a wry smile. As he pulled on his shirt, he spotted Howard’s mobile out of the corner of his eye, still buzzing away to itself – he glanced at the screen and was amused to see Grace’s name lit up, a growing number of unread texts beginning to pile up in Howard’s inbox. Knowing Grace, he suspected she was in on her dad’s plan and that being kept out of the loop was probably driving her mad. He wished Izzy luck in dealing with her in the time before he and Howard had agreed to pick her up – he knew what Grace was like on a mission all too well. A trait she got from her father, Jason suspected.
Leaving Grace’s messages to be dealt with by Howard later, Jason crossed over towards the kitchen, opening up the fridge and staring at the contents with a small frown of concentration, trying to work out what exactly he might be able to throw together for a late lunch. Before he could come to any real decisions, he was distracted by the sound of a brisk knock on the apartment door and he turned, one eyebrow quirked curiously. He didn’t know many people who would visit him and Howard without an invite or some form of advanced warning and, as he walked towards the door, it occurred to him that there were really only two people left who ever dropped in on him unexpectedly. A smile touched his lips; he had a feeling he knew exactly why this impromptu visit was happening, and he shook his head to himself in a mixture of amusement and despair.
Sure enough, as he opened the door he was greeted by the sight of Mark and Gary, their expressions picture-perfect opposites of each other. Mark was beaming, his expression all hopeful innocence but his eyes dancing with mischief and excitement – he never could keep a straight face and the harder he tried to, often, the less he found himself able to. Standing just behind him was Gary, his face one of bemused acceptance, a dry, sarcastic look in his eyes of ‘Sure, we just stopped by out of the blue with no ulterior motive at all’ that Jason could read immediately. He raised an eyebrow at him, but Gary simply shrugged, a lopsided smile forming on his lips.
“Surprise,” he deadpanned and Jason bit back a laugh, nodding before turning his attention back to Mark, who bounced on the balls of his feet, eyes wide.
“So?” he asked, an elbow digging briefly into Gary’s ribs but his eyes not leaving Jason. For his part, Jason folded his arms and arched an eyebrow.
“So?” he echoed, with a small smile that seemed to offer up a challenge. Mark opened his mouth to speak, but this time it was Gary who elbowed him.
“So, we just came to see if you were having a good weekend. And since you clearly are-” Gary said, his voice pointed and his eyes on Mark rather than Jason. Jason smothered a grin.
“Gaz, we could at least stay for a brew,” Mark interrupted and Gary sighed.
“You’re digging a very nice hole for us here, Marko – I really hope you’ve brought a ladder to get us back out again,” he muttered, his voice low, though he seemed resigned to that fact the Jason was onto them nevertheless.
“Would you like to come in or should I just leave you out here bickering?” Jason asked them kindly, eyes dancing with amusement, and Mark had the grace to look sheepish.
“Are you sure?” he asked and Jason laughed.
“Not the first person to ask me that question today,” he remarked cryptically, standing aside to allow Gary and Mark inside. Gary accepted the invitation, but Mark stood a moment, eyes narrowed slightly and a knowing smile starting to form on his lips.
“I knew it,” he said before coming inside and giving Gary a smack on his arm. “Told you so,” he added, not looking at Gary long enough to see the baffled look he shot him, too busy turning his eyes back to Jason, who simply raised his eyebrows at him, feigning innocence.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, shutting the door and heading for the kitchen.
“And I really don’t,” Gary put in archly. Jason shot him a fond grin over his shoulder before looking back at Mark, who was still scrutinizing him.
“Come on, Jay,” he said, his voice less of a plea and more of a tease. Jason simply rolled his eyes, stopping briefly by the breakfast bar and looking between Mark and Gary carefully.
“Ok,” he said after a beat. “But not until you tell me why this is any of your business,” he relented, his eyes betraying the lack of any real annoyance.
“It was Grace. You know there’s no way she could keep it quiet, I was doing her a favour really – I had Gaz to tell before there was any danger of me telling you,” Mark shrugged and Jason laughed, glancing at Gary who rolled his eyes in fond despair.
“What can you do with him, Jay?” he sighed, before suddenly fixing his bright blue gaze more keenly on Jason. “So…are you going to tell us what you said then?” he asked. Jason regarded him and Mark a moment, unable to hide the way his mouth quirked up at the corners. “I don’t see Howard around,” Gary joked and Jason laughed softly, shaking his head and looking down.
“I think you know the answer to your question, you know,” he pointed out with a shy smile, before quickly pushing himself up and turning on his heel.
“Brilliant,” Gary beamed, following him towards the kitchen.
“Yeah, like we didn’t know,” Mark smiled, before suddenly frowning and glancing around the apartment. “But seriously – where is Howard!?”
“Are my ears burning?” The sound of Howard’s voice cut off the reply Jason had been about to offer, and he turned from where he’d been pulling ingredients from the fridge just in time to see Howard come shuffling into the kitchen, stifling a yawn. He came up to Jason, giving him a soft kiss in the crook of his neck before reaching around him to pull a bottle of milk from the fridge. As he turned back he glanced over at Mark and Gary, eyebrows raised in curiosity. “And what brings you pair here?” he asked. Jason smirked.
“Don’t mind them two, they’re just a pair of gossips.” He ignored Gary’s protest at the accusation, not bothering to hide his amused smile, and instead kept his attention on Howard. “How’s spicy chicken salad sound for lunch?” he asked him and Howard shrugged.
“Sounds fine to me,” he said, drinking down the last of the glass of milk he’d poured and returning the bottle to the fridge. “Mind if I hop in the shower first though?” he asked, eyes twinkling when they met Jason’s. Jason nodded slowly, his smile lopsided.
“Sure, you do that.” Neither Gary nor Mark seemed to notice the moment that passed between them, and as Howard passed Jason on his way towards the corridor, he flashed him a conspiratorial wink.
As Howard disappeared down the corridor, Mark and Gary watched, intrigued, whilst Jason began to throw together a mixture of ingredients and leftovers, apparently following a well-used recipe, his expression calm and open as he seemed to move around the kitchen on autopilot.
“You know, Jay, if you ever want to come round ours and cook, you’re more than welcome,” Gary remarked after a minute and Jason laughed.
“And why would I do that?”
“Coz Howard gets your proper cooking all the time and me and Gaz fancy a bit of a treat?” Mark suggested brightly. “We always just end up eating junk food,” he added, wrinkling his nose slightly, though Jason suspected he didn’t really mind all that much.
“Is that so – you know that’s strange since I know, for a fact, Gary Barlow has stolen recipes from me in the past,” he said and Gary grumbled slightly.
“Doesn’t mean I can bloody cook ‘em though,” he pointed out.
“It’d help if you didn’t burn everything,” Mark said, playfully unhelpful.
“And you can really talk, Mark Owen!” Gary shot back, before looking over at Jason. “Do you know how many times he’s set our smoke alarm off? In the past week? Go on, guess.” Jason laughed and shook his head.
“I know better than to get dragged into your domestics,” he told them fondly, and Mark stuck out his tongue at Gary, who swotted at him half-heartedly, not managing to hide his smile.
By the time Jason was dishing up, Howard had returned, pulling himself up to sit on the kitchen counter and kissing Jason’s temple on his way past; it was one of those familiar gestures of theirs – routine and nonchalant – that they both moved into instinctively, gracefully moving in synchronicity with one another as though they were following choreography. From his place at the breakfast bar, Mark watched them with a fond, knowing smile, exchanging a glance with Gary and miming ‘Aw’, only for Gary to roll his eyes at him.
“You know, we never really got a straight answer out of you earlier,” Mark said leadingly as Jason handed him a bowl of salad. Jason looked at him with a mixture of despair and amusement.
“Like a dog with a bone,” Gary said dryly, eyes twinkling, and Howard hid a smirk.
“Grace is just as bad,” he remarked and Jason smacked him lightly before tilting his head to one side as though deep in thought.
“No – Grace is worse,” he said after a beat, dodging artfully out of the way when Howard attempted to smack him back. The two looked at each other with matching grins before quickly looking back down at their food and trying to smother their amusement.
“Will you ever tell us, Jay?” Mark interrupted, and Jason glanced up at him, one eyebrow arched. There was still a smile on his lips and his eyes were bright. There was a calmness about him that Gary was slightly surprised by – usually Jason squirmed under private questions, didn’t like the exposure of it. But today he just seemed happy, content to play this game with Mark and let the honesty of his smile give away all his secrets.
“What exactly do you want me to tell?” Jason asked, exchanging a knowing glance with Howard that gave far more away than any words could. Gary shook his head fondly.
“Give it up, Marko – he’s a wily one is our Jay. If he don’t want you to know, you ain’t finding out,” he said and Mark pulled a face.
“I know but it was worth a try.”
“You’ve definitely been spending too much time with Grace,” Howard grinned.
“And are you both torturing her too or is she allowed answers to her questions?” Mark demanded, pouting half-heartedly. Jason chuckled.
“He hasn’t dared phone her yet,” he said, looking up at Howard pointedly. Howard pulled a face and gave him a light smack on his arm, but Jason simply smiled up at him knowingly.
“You’re a terrible person,” Howard told him and Jason shrugged.
“More fool you for being in love with me then,” he said airily, flashing Howard a wink.
“See, Marko – they might not want to give you details but I’m pretty sure that look right there answers all the big questions,” Gary said, leaning into Mark conspiratorially but not bothering to lower his voice. Jason flashed him a quietly amused smile.
“It won’t stop him,” he pointed out, and Mark stuck his tongue out at him.
“Is it so wrong to want to be happy for you?” he enquired through a sigh.
“At least own up to saying yes,” Gary put in with a smirk and Jason’s lips twisted up at the corners, despite his best efforts to stop them. He glanced down at the floor.
“You know, sometimes even I know a simple answer when I see it, Gaz. Give me some credit,” he said softly. Howard’s eyes shone with a mixture of quiet pride and affection and Gary simply nodded slowly.
“Still not technically an admission but…it’s so bloody obvious at this point I don’t know why I’m bothering,” he said and when Jason looked up at him he smiled gratefully.
“So is it too early to start asking you for details? Because I’m going to need details. Place, time…oh, and clothes, we’re going to have to talk about outfits. Me and Gaz are gonna be at the top table, right?!” Mark babbled and Jason, Gary and Howard all laughed at him, bewildered and amused in equal measure.
“I think he’s giddier than you two,” Gary smiled fondly.
“Debateable,” Howard murmured, only loud enough for Jason to hear, and Jason elbowed him in his ribs for his troubles, glancing up at him in amusement.
“Just be grateful they’ve not noticed that we were obviously in bed at one in the afternoon – you don’t want to get Mark started on that line of teasing,” he warned, eyes gleaming, and Howard chuckled, though he didn’t say anything more.
“I’ve never been that important at a wedding before though – I mean, mates of mine got married but there were always other people who were closer to them so I just turned up on the day, drank the champagne and went home. Jay and Howard are our best mates and our bandmates; if they don’t let me be involved in their wedding then who will?!” Mark was explaining to Gary before turning his eyes to Jason, looking at him beseechingly. “Have you thought about it? At all?” he asked hopefully. “A date at least?” Jason thought for a moment then put down his bowl and pulled himself up to sit on the counter next to Howard.
“I don’t know. But I think…soon.” He glanced at Howard, who caught his look and smiled at him softly and bumped his shoulder affectionately with his own.
“Can I help? I can be your maid of honour? Or…man of honour…or something. I’ll even put in a good word for you with this gorgeous piano player I know called Gary Barlow,” Mark burst out and Jason laughed.
“Breathe, Marko,” Gary said with a grin but Mark ignored him.
“You know I’m good at organising a party. And besides, Jay – I know you and Howard. I bet I could pull off a better wedding for you than anyone else.” Mark shrugged then, his smile deceptively innocent. “Simple. Classic. I’ve got a better eye for detail than anyone else here.”
“You can stop pitching yourself, mate – of course you can help,” Jason told him with a smile and Mark’s eyes lit up.
“Perfect!” he beamed, then suddenly his eyes narrowed. “But how soon is soon?”
“What is this, twenty questions?!” Jason laughed good-naturedly, before glancing at Howard thoughtfully and leaning against him a little. “You know, for once in my life I just want to not worry about something. I just want to know that I’m sure and have that be enough.” He shrugged. “The promises were probably made a long time ago, if I’m honest. The sooner everyone can know they’re there…the more important it’ll make them.” His eyes didn’t leave Howard’s face as he spoke, and Howard suddenly became very aware of the feeling of his heart inside his chest. He smiled quietly at Jason’s words and leant across to press a kiss to his forehead.
“Thank you,” he whispered against Jason’s skin. He didn’t need to tell him he felt the same – Jason knew, instinctively, and the kiss was enough.
“Not to interrupt the moment but…what would you say to me arranging it for two weeks’ time?” Mark’s voice broke in as he rested his chin on his hand and looked over at his friends expectantly. Neither of them looked over at him, simply smiling up at each other knowingly, and Mark couldn’t help but smile at the sight.
“You know what, Mark?” Howard murmured. “I think you’ve got yourself a deal.”
***
Gary glanced over his shoulder to where Jason and Mark were sitting opposite each other on the sofa, both nursing mugs of tea and nestling back amongst the cushions. Mark was chattering away, that curiously intent, delighted look in his eyes that always came over him when he was given the chance to really talk about something he was interested in. Jason nodded thoughtfully as Mark talked at him in his rambling, enthusiastic sentences, contributing the odd counter-argument here and there, his head on one side and a small frown knitting his brow as he listened quietly. There was no trace of any regret or anxiety in his face, no sign there that he had any clue that he had – with a few simple words – let his guard down so completely that it had caught the breath of all three of the other men in the room. Gary sipped at his own tea and leant back against the kitchen counter, watching with a smile as Jason and Mark bickered good-naturedly over some point or another Mark had raised; the two of them were the firmest friends you’d ever find, but they could argue over anything if you let them. Shaking his head, Gary turned back to look at Howard, who was drying the dishes and whistling to himself – the cause of Jason’s quiet declarations just as casual as Jason himself, it would seem. Though the smile on his lips gave away that perhaps he wasn’t as nonchalant as he seemed at first glance, Gary supposed.
“I’m assuming you know just how big a deal it is for Jay to say those things, especially in front of more than just you,” he said quietly and Howard glanced up, his smile shy.
“I know.” He shrugged. “It’s not anything I didn’t know already, really. I suppose that’s the whole point though, you know? The fact we both knew and it was important to us…everyone else should know that too.” Gary nodded slowly, looking back over at Jason for a moment before his eyes turned back to Howard, now turned slightly away from him so as to begin putting away the bowls and cutlery.
“Look, I’ve known Jay a long, long time now, Howard. And I know he wouldn’t let his guard down like that for anyone else – not even me and Mark, not before he met you.” Howard looked back at him and Gary smiled kindly. “But you’re my mate too, ok? One of my best mates. And I know that he means every bit as much to you. So you don’t get the ‘look after my friend lecture’, because I know.” Howard laughed softly and Gary flashed him a grin. “You and Gracie have got a proper diamond there, though, Howard. You’d do well to remember that – that’s all I’m saying.” Gary took another sip of his tea, watching the mix of pride and affection on Howard’s face as he nodded slowly.
“I know. Grace knows. And I’m not saying that it’s all sunshine and rainbows but…I’d rather be in a rainstorm with him than a fucking daisy field with anyone else.” Gary chuckled.
“Good answer,” he told Howard with a grin.
In the amicable silence which had descended over on the sofa, Mark too was thinking back on Jason’s words earlier. He looked over at Jason thoughtfully, head on one side. Jason’s legs were tucked neatly around and he held his mug of tea in both hands, blue eyes shining softly in the late afternoon sunlight. To look at his casual pose, you’d be unlikely to guess just how many thoughts were always pulsing just beneath the surface – Jason was a knot of constant energy, humming quietly, expression always changing, eyes always glinting. Sometimes it was a nervous energy, bound up with tension and worry, but not today. It surprised Mark slightly, though when he thought about it properly he knew that was ridiculous. Howard brought out a lightness in Jason with more ease than anyone or anything else, unleashed in him a brightness and clarity of colour that seemed to blur the boundaries between the moments when Jason felt his guards needed to be up and when they didn’t. He would always be quiet, thoughtful – Mark never wanted that to change. But he relished the way his friend would now laugh so much more easily, confide in him more easily. As Mark watched him, he saw the way he would occasionally glance over at Howard, the way the corners of his lips would twitch up as he looked at him. It was sweet, genuine and honest – and for once Jason didn’t seem to mind the fact that his emotions were there, just waiting for anyone to see. It was the one part of all this that Mark, at least, recognised in himself. That inescapable honesty of feeling – whenever his eyes met Gary’s, a smile would bubble up from him before he could stop it. But that peace, that calmness from Jason’s tone earlier – it escaped him. Mark always hummed with energy too, always moving and feeling the buzz of it beneath his skin. Unlike Jason, though, he couldn’t bring himself to stop that movement, to hold his breath for just a moment – not even for Gary. He was always scared of missing something. Always alert to the possibility that people could move and break and change and leave, but that dreams and moments belonged to him and that he could chase them and choose them and play with them as he pleased. For so long now, his only certainty in life had been a belief that nothing was certain, least of all other people. And he had thought Jason had believed that too; something to do with the time when his father left, Mark suspected, though he never asked Jason about it directly. So what was different now? How was it that Howard could restore his faith in humanity when – as much as Mark loved Gary – his own long-held anxieties wouldn’t seem to go away.
“How can you be so sure?” Mark hardly realised he’d asked the question until Jason glanced over to look at him, his eyes quietly concerned. “It doesn’t matter,” Mark quickly backtracked, looking down into his tea self-consciously, but he could feel Jason’s gaze still on him; blue, bright and curious.
“You’ve always been a strange one, Mark – you know that?” he said softly. There was nothing unkind about the way he said it; it was simply a fond statement from a friend who knew him better than he’d previously realised. “You give so much – you give too much and you burn yourself out. But you never let anyone give you that much back, you’re always backing off at the last minute.” Mark looked up, slightly surprised, and Jason smiled knowingly. “You can learn a lot from just looking and listening, you know,” he told him softly. Mark nodded, smiling slightly despite himself. “All I’m saying is that…I understand not trusting people, believe me I do. But there comes a point where you just have to stop everything you’re doing and take a moment to really think about those people in your life that you want to let in. And you have to decide if you know them, and if what you know is enough for you to feel ok with letting go.” Jason regarded him for a moment. “I know myself. And recently it’s been becoming obvious that…I know Howard. I really know him – who he is, what he’s capable of.” He swallowed. “It’s enough, you know? It’s enough. And it made me look at everyone a bit different, I suppose. But even when everything else goes to hell; I know Howard. I know he’ll still be there just the same. It’s who he is – good and bad and everything in between but…I know him. He’ll always come through.”
A silence descended on the two of them. Mark stared down into his tea and Jason watched him and it wasn’t as uncomfortable as Mark thought it should be.
“I felt that way about someone once. That I knew them better than anyone.” Mark didn’t know why he was volunteering that information but he felt better for having said it. “The problem was that I knew them so well that…I knew that they were a disaster.” He glanced over to the windows and sighed heavily. “Didn’t stop me letting him break my heart, though.” When he risked looking back at Jason, he was surprised to find there was a look of understanding in his eyes, rather than the pity – or worse, judgement – he’d half-expected.
“Everyone’s dealing with something from their past, you know. Even Gaz. It’s not a failure to not be ok just because you’re in love.” Jason’s voice was soft and gentle and the tone of it made Mark feel a little less like he was somehow broken beyond repair for not yet being able to trust the way Jason trusted Howard. He offered a tiny, grateful smile and Jason responded with a tiny nod before sitting back against the cushions slowly, as though nothing had happened at all. He took a long sip of his tea before glancing back at Mark again. “I believe you were mid-way through a monologue on the colour blue?” he prompted, arching an eyebrow. “And something to do with blue roses and baby’s breath and how they’d look with velvet – but honestly? I wasn’t really following.” Mark grinned, barely resisting the urge to launch himself across the sofa and hug him tightly. Instead he just nodded, crossing his legs and leaning forwards ever so slightly.
“The thing about blue, though, Jay…”
***
Two o’clock on Tuesday afternoons in Barlow’s Music Shop were not known for their levels of drama, but rather for their comfortable sense of routine. It was usually Gary’s turn to make the tea, it was Mark’s favourite time of day to stop by to enjoy his break from the cafe and it was Jason’s favourite time to get out his guitar and play a few chords absently as he thought of everything and nothing at all – that was if Howard hadn’t finally surfaced from his bed to come and pass the time with the three of them before picking up Grace or disappearing for some meeting or a long drive to a faraway club. But one thing that had never happened – as far as anyone could remember – at two o’clock on a Tuesday afternoon in Barlow’s Music Shop was the shop’s phone starting to ring. In fact, it was so rare an occurrence on any afternoon that it took at least four rings before anyone present that particular afternoon registered what exactly the shrill sound coming from the piano room was.
Mark and Jason were sitting on the shop’s counter at the time; Jason having set down his guitar to listen for a while as Mark launched into an enthusiastic description of his latest efforts to organise Howard and Jason’s wedding – it turned out that Mark was a valuable asset when trying to plan a wedding in the space of a fortnight, though Jason’s deep-seated need to always feel he had control of the situations around him prevented him from allowing his friend to simply run amok, though he doubted any real harm could have been done if he had. Howard, for his part, was grounded and quiet about the plans when in company – leaning next to Jason on the shop’s counter, his only real concern was that he would be married to Jason at the end of it all, and any and all discussions around that he reserved for when he and Jason were alone, whispering plans and promises in between jokes and kisses, though that wasn’t to say he hadn’t been incredibly specific when it came to music, a fact Jason teased him for mercilessly, but never once made any attempt to change. He’d been daydreaming when the phone had started to ring; the only reason he’d even noticed something was happening was because the murmur of Jason and Mark’s voices beside him suddenly stopped.
Gary was the most alert; his phone-watching of previous days had subsided somewhat, but he hadn’t forgotten it entirely, besides which he was closest to the phone, standing, as he was, halfway between the main shopfloor and the shop’s counter, four mugs of tea in his hands. He stopped in his tracks, eyes wide, and it took a moment for him to realise he needed to put the teas down and make a dash for it before whoever was calling gave up. Seeming to sense his friend’s dilemma, Jason was the first of the four of them to actually move, hopping down from the counter gracefully and coming over to Gary, gesturing for him to hand over the teas quickly. For a moment Gary hesitated, bewildered, before suddenly his brain snapped into focus and he relinquished the four mugs to Jason before turning quickly on his heel and making a dash for the phone.
“He’s panicking,” Jason remarked to no-one in particular, one eyebrow arched, but Mark simply jumped down from the counter and wandered in the direction of Gary’s voice as he answered with a honeyed ‘Hello Barlow’s’ that hid the fact he was slightly out of breath surprisingly well.
Jason and Howard exchanged a glance, shrugging before slowly following Mark’s example, heading for the piano room, Jason setting down the teas on the staircase as they went. When they stepped down into the piano room, Gary was sitting at his favourite baby grand, the phone pressed to his ear, whilst Mark perched on the chair in the corner, desperately whispering for Gary to tell him who was on the line. But Gary’s face was intent and serious and Mark’s efforts came to nothing as he nodded and frowned solemnly, his gaze focused on a point in the middle-distance between them.
“Yes. I see. Right, right.” His head bobbed slightly and the three other men all looked at one another in frustrated confusion before turning their gazes back to Gary. “I understand. Well, that’s perfect. Good. Ok. Well that could be…” Gary trailed off, listening for a moment before suddenly sitting up a little, his expression mildly alarmed. “Wait, do you mean this weekend?” That had Mark, Jason and Howard’s attention immediately, and Mark jumped up from the chair, coming to stand in front of Gary with his arms folded. Jason glanced at Howard, whose eyes were dark and fixed on Gary, even as Gary studiously avoided their gazes. Jason looked back at Gary for a moment, listening as he made a few noises of complaint before pausing to listen to whatever counter arguments were being offered. And somehow he knew, just from taking one look at his friend’s expression, exactly what was going to happen. He sighed and placed a gentle hand on Howard’s arm.
“I’m just going outside for a moment, ok? It’s stuffy in this place,” he whispered. Howard looked at him with concern then, studying his face for a moment before nodding reluctantly.
“Ok. But you know where I am if you need me.” Jason smiled.
“I always do,” he replied, pressing a brief kiss to Howard’s cheek before heading outside.
When Howard turned his eyes back to Gary, he was rubbing his forehead, eyes closed.
“Absolutely.” Gary swallowed and risked the briefest of glances up, wincing as he took in Mark and Howard’s stony faces and Jason’s absence before quickly looking back down at the floor. “Of course. We’ll be there…or I’ll be there. I understand. Thank you. Yes. Bye now.” Gary lowered the phone slowly from his ear, but he still didn’t look up. Howard folded his arms, a heavy frown creasing his face as he leant against the doorframe.
“What are you up to, Barlow?” he asked, his voice low and warning.
“Gaz, next weekend is not a business day. Shop’s closed, band’s booked…Gaz, come on,” Mark said, his voice soft and pleading, and Gary looked up at him sadly.
“Marko-” he began but Mark shook his head, cutting him off immediately.
“No, Gaz. No. Not Saturday, though? You didn’t agree to go then, not when Jay and Howard…” Mark trailed off and let out a long sigh. “Was that the guy from the caff the other week?” he asked carefully.
“It was his office,” Gary admitted. Mark nodded.
“Which day, Gaz?” Howard interrupted then, his voice more steely than Mark’s. Gary bit his lip, flinching slightly.
“Saturday. But, look, she didn’t really give me any-”
“No, Gaz. You had a choice; you had a choice to explain that there were reasons – important reasons – why Saturday was no good.” Howard shook his head. “You didn’t even put up a fight, you know that? Did you not hear your own voice just then?”
“Gaz, you can’t put that on Jay and Howard,” Mark all but whispered.
“Are you seriously expecting us to make that choice? We’re getting married, Gaz, not fucking going down the pub or the shops. This isn’t something we can brush aside – this is our whole lives we’re talking about. Sometimes, just sometimes, there are things bigger than the band!” Howard looked at Gary with piecing, imploring blue eyes and Gary couldn’t bring himself to meet his gaze. He knew how bad it sounded, he knew how it seemed like something he should’ve fought harder for. But he knew the way these chances worked – you had to grasp them, because they might never come around again. He suspected it made him a terrible friend, but Jason and Howard could marry any day they chose, couldn’t they? And it wasn’t as if they strictly needed him there for it. But this chance to meet with a record label? He’d been waiting for this for most of his life – snatching at half-chances for so long had made him quicker to grab on and made his grip stronger.
“So, what is it? A meeting? A performance? A demo? What is it that the guy is offering us that you couldn’t have put off even by one day?” Mark’s voice was quiet and sad – Gary almost preferred Howard’s open anger, because he didn’t think there was anything more crushing than feeling of Mark’s acute disappointment.
“Just a meeting, but it could lead on to something – one of us has to be there, you know? Just to hear him out on what exactly he has in mind,” Gary tried, but Howard let out a sharp, humourless laugh and he quickly swallowed any further attempts to explain, looking up at Howard anxiously.
“I can’t believe I’m hearing this, Gaz. I can’t believe that you think you’re the only one who has ever dreamt of anything in his life.” Howard huffed out a breath, looking down at the floor. “You know what the only thing I can get my daughter to talk about right now is? It’s that this time next week she can tell people that Jay is part of her family.” He couldn’t help but smile as he said it, the smile coming out crooked and sad beneath the weight of his frown. “Look, I know how much music means to you, believe me, I know. But it’s turned on you just as much as people have and you know it – all the knock-backs? All the hassle? And there just comes a point where you have to take a gamble. You just have to throw yourself in with someone and hope that even the tough stuff will be easier as long as you’re doing it with them. There’s bigger things out there, Gary. That’s all I’m trying to say.” Howard’s frown had ebbed away slightly, replaced by a sad, thoughtful expression that bored into Gary uncomfortably. “I know you think this meeting could be that thing you’ve been chasing for so long – but has it occurred to you that I know that marrying Jay this weekend is what I’ve been chasing?” Howard sighed. “What I’m trying to say is that…maybe if you weren’t trying so hard all the time and you actually just looked around you at what you do have then…making the music would be enough – as long as someone somewhere is hearing it, does it really matter whether that’s at Wembley or at a gig down the local pub?” Gary closed his eyes, swallowing hard.
“Howard…I don’t know how to not work for this, I don’t know how to not want it.”
“And that’s not what I’m asking you to do. I’m asking you to realise that sometimes it means more when it’s shared – it makes the laughs better, the memories better. It makes the music better too.” Gary looked up at Howard slowly and Howard shrugged. “If you don’t get that, Gaz, then…I’m honestly not sure I want to be friends with you. Because I’m trying to build a life for myself with people who I trust, and I obviously can’t trust you anymore, can I?” Gary winced, turning away from Howard slightly.
“He’s right, Gaz.” Mark’s voice was so quiet, so small. So unlike him. “You can’t keep doing this, you know? Keep latching on to this stupid, illusive thing of yours and not letting go no matter how many people you lose along the way.” Gary felt Mark sit down beside him, and reluctantly he looked up to meet his eyes. “When we’re singing together in some stupid pub on a Wednesday and there’s only five people in there besides us…and you look up and see Jay there, Howard. Me. Isn’t that the happiest you’ve ever been? Isn’t it better?”
“Mark-” Gary tried but Mark shook his head.
“No, Gaz. Howard’s right. It’s different now. We’re mates but we’re…we’re family too. And maybe one day we’ll be famous and maybe we won’t but…we’re with our best mates making music either way. There’ll be other chances to meet labels, or at least try to. But there won’t be any other chances to have a friendship like ours, to share this important thing with Howard and Jay.”
“I just…can’t,” Gary whispered helplessly, hating the way he felt Mark crumple slightly beside him. “I sorry, but I just…”
“Jay’s always dropped everything for you,” Mark murmured dejectedly.
“Ok. Everybody out.” The three men startled slightly at the sound of Jason’s voice cutting through the quiet; firm but not cross. They hadn’t heard him slip back inside, but when they looked up he was standing on the step down into the piano room, arms folded, blue eyes focused on Gary. “And by everybody I mean Mark and Howard,” he said, stepping down into the room. He casually reached up to give Howard’s arm a gentle squeeze of reassurance as he passed him, but his eyes stayed on Gary, whose head dropped to his hands as he let out a heavy sight.
“Jay-” he began, but Jason interrupted him softly.
“I’m going to talk, you’re going to listen, and no matter what happens at the end of this, the four of us are all going to be friends, ok?” He glanced over at Mark then. “I think your break is almost over, Marko,” he said and Mark jumped slightly, nodding a little too enthusiastically before standing up.
“Yeah, I’d better go,” he agreed, scrambling to locate where he’d left his jacket before making a break for the door.
“I’ll walk you over,” Howard put in, exchanging a glance with Jason, who smiled back at him gratefully. “I’ll be back in ten minutes, ok?” he added and Jason nodded.
“I’ll be waiting,” he replied, giving Howard a quick wink that finally raised an honest-to-goodness smile out of him. He chuckled slightly, nodding to himself as he turned and headed for the door.
As the door shut behind Howard, Gary looked up into Jason’s face. He was still smiling slightly, his eyes on the spot where Howard had been, but when his gaze fell on Gary the smile dimmed, becoming sad and distant. He let out a sigh before coming to sit next to Gary on the piano stool.
“So I take it you’re going to this meeting this weekend? Even if the rest of us don’t?” he asked quietly after a beat. His tone was gentle, kind even, and it took Gary aback slightly.
“Jay, you know-”
“I know,” Jason cut him off quietly. “I don’t agree,” he added, flicking Gary a vaguely amused smile when he noticed his raised eyebrows. “I don’t agree but I do understand. I think that’s what friends are for though, isn’t it?” His eyes shone with mild amusement and Gary couldn’t help but laugh, nodding slightly as he looked down at his hands.
“Apparently.”
“Don’t worry about Mark. You know how bad he is at staying mad at people – he’ll do anything for anyone. And he loves you; you’ll be forgiven before the sun goes down.” Gary smiled as Jason nudged his shoulder gently. “And as for Howard, his bark is worse than his bite. Besides, once he’s married to me I’ll just tell him who he can and can’t forgive and he’s legally required to agree with me.” Gary chuckled.
“Really? Is that written in the law?” he questioned and Jason smiled.
“Howard and me have a code: I’m always right,” he said, eyes glinting. Gary smirked.
“You’re lucky he loves you,” he joked quietly, but Jason simply tilted his head to one side, smothering his smile lightly.
“I know I am,” he agreed, his voice tender.
“Listen, Jay – I am so-” But Jason held up a hand to stop Gary’s words.
“Don’t. You know in all the time I’ve known you, you’ve wanted this. I know you can’t change your whole outlook on life overnight but just…promise me you’ll think about what Howard said, ok?” Gary quirked his eyebrows and Jason shrugged. “You should never forget what it took to get here, where you’ve come here from and how it feels to be here right now – just that alone is amazing. Looking up constantly can be exhausting, you know? And sometimes when you actually get up there and look around, you realise those stars you were looking up at weren’t even real anyway – that you were standing in paradise all along but just didn’t bother looking around you.”
For a moment they sat side by side, Jason’s words hanging between them in the air. Gary closed his eyes and blew out a breath.
“And I suppose if I went and got my notebook to write that down for a possible lyric….you’d throw tea over me, right?” he ventured at last and Jason laughed.
“Maybe. Or maybe I’d give Howard the honour,” he grinned. Then his expression softened and he looked Gary in the eye. “If you go to that meeting on your own…we’re always going to be friends, Gaz, but…I think the band as we know it now? It’d be over. I mean we’ve shared so much for so long but…you not being there on Saturday would just…” he trailed off, glancing away. Gary sighed.
“I’m sorry, Jay,” he said.
“Don’t be. Things change. Besides, the band was your daft idea anyway,” Jason shrugged, raising a half-hearted smile.
Outside, the people of Oldham Street walked by, pretending that it was a normal Tuesday afternoon. But it wasn’t a normal Tuesday afternoon anymore and Gary still had one more question to ask.
“How can you know?” he finally let out, his voice little more than a whisper. Jason smiled softly.
“You don’t. Not really. You just know who that person is, what they’re capable of and you…throw yourself in with them and give them everything you know you are, give them everything you know you’re capable of. It’s a leap of faith. It’s not something that’s safe, necessarily. But it feels it sometimes all the same.”
***
Gary wasn’t sure how long he sat alone with his pianos after Jason left. The sun went down to the sound of his fingers coaxing magic from the baby grand, and it reminded him of the days before Howard, Mark and Jason had slowly become a part of the shop’s furniture, drifting in one by one and slowly filling up every corner with memories and laughter. How many times had he sat beneath the dim orange glow of the back room light, playing rambling melodies on his favourite baby grand – the one piano he never allowed to sell no matter what price was offered – imagining he wasn’t just Gary Barlow in his music shop, but instead some world-famous performer, some celebrated songwriter with arenas full of people whose lives were somehow touched by the melodies and lyrics that swam around in his head on a daily basis. Music was just as natural to him as breathing, but he had always craved more than just listening to it – he’d always wanted it to matter, wanted to feel the magic of a crowd, to know his songs were out there in the world, helping people the way songs had helped him in the past. And for a moment he let himself imagine it again – taking away the presence of his friends, who had slowly come to join him in his imaginings just as they had in his shop. He closed his eyes, briefly, and tried to picture that vast stage of his daydreams, but this time on his own. The crowd still swayed to his music, lights held up like stars in the vast darkness, glittering, each one representing some person out in the world who heard his songs and needed them. But there was only him up on that stage in the spotlight, him and his piano. It felt oddly lonely, even as his body leant into the music he played. He wanted to look across, as he so often did at their tiny little pub gigs, and share a laugh with Howard at some in-joke called to mind by an audience member. Or see Jason and Howard dancing some ridiculous routine with their microphone stands during their last number of the night. Mark bobbing wildly, laughing and gesturing expansively with his arms as he got into the rhythm of their opening song, all excitement and energy, looking over at Gary with that gleeful smile of his. But instead he was alone, his reflection smiling back at him in the polished black of the luxurious grand piano, sitting beneath a spotlight in the middle of an otherwise empty stage.
Abruptly Gary opened his eyes and blinked a few times, trying to clear his head. He let the shop come back into focus slowly, before rubbing his hands over his face tiredly. Was it wrong that he hadn’t minded that much? That he’d still enjoyed the idea of being there, even if he’d missed the company? He bit his lip. He didn’t know how he felt any more, a part of him still tugging at old ideas of what his dreams were whilst some other part of him was stubborn and steadfast, too attached to way that the fun, the laughter, the madness always seemed magnified when they did things as a group. Standing as a four made him feel oddly invincible sometimes – he could take the knockbacks in stride, get up, try again. And just imagine if all that good feeling paid off one day – if they got that success he’d always dreamed of, and they got it together? Everything was always magnified when he had his bandmates by his side, so surely that headiness would be too?
Gary shook his head, trying to suppress the confusion and longing that were warring within him and find some distraction. As he looked around the room, his eyes fell on where he’d set his phone down on the top of the baby-grand – the screen lit up briefly, another text alert flashing on the screen. Gary winced. Mark’s texts had slowly descended from the casual ‘Where are you?’ to the caring ‘Come home’ and he felt a stab of guilt, wondering what the latest plea was. He’d tried to reply a few times but had stopped short of actually sending any of the drafted messages, always feeling like he owed Mark some sort of apology before he spoke to him again, perhaps owed him some sort of explanation. It was the sort of conversation best had in person. Though he had no doubt Mark would have consulted with Jason by now, the two of them probably talking it all out and coming to the same, sad conclusion that Jason had left Gary mulling over all those hours ago: things change, but they would still be friends at the end of it, whatever the outcome. Gary pulled a face. Why did Mark and Jason have to be so nice to him? At least Howard’s outright anger and frustration had made him feel like he had paid his penalties. Mark and Jason’s understanding only served to make him question everything he thought he knew, whilst simultaneously leaving him feeling crushed by the guilt of knowing he was effectively side-lining them from a dream they had shared with him for a long time now.
Letting out a long sigh, Gary finally got up, giving his baby grand one last thoughtful stroke before gathering up his keys and his phone and heading outside. Home to Mark. For all the confusion in his head, there was something comforting about that idea, whether Mark was still disappointed in him or not.
***
Gary was slightly surprised by the welcome he received on his return to the flat; he’d expected something muted, subdued, perhaps a little angry, but definitely cool and quiet. Instead, Mark flew at him before he’d even had chance to toss his keys down – arms were thrown around his neck and kisses were peppered across his face and when Mark finally pulled back he looked up at him with round, concerned eyes.
“Would you please answer your phone, Barlow?! I was worried, you know!” he told him in a fierce rush of breath, his eyes determined, and when Gary blinked at him dumbly, Mark sighed. “You never stay out late and you always call,” he elaborated earnestly, before releasing Gary momentarily. “I’m calling for a Chinese, then we’ll talk,” he said finally, grabbing Gary by the hand and pulling him over to the sofa. Gary, for his part, simply obeyed, unsure if he had the right to disagree with Mark’s plans and scared that if he tried to then suddenly the anger and disappointment he had expected to come home to would suddenly come crashing down on him without warning. As though sensing Gary’s reticence, Mark simply pushed him gently down onto the sofa with one hand, fishing out his phone with the other and, with a surprising grace, managed to dial, clamp the phone between his shoulder and his ear and spin himself around before crashing down next to Gary, grabbing his arm and putting it around his own shoulders. He flicked a look in Gary’s direction that seemed to read ‘just go with it’ and strangely Gary found himself relaxing, his muscles letting go of all the tension he’d been holding onto since that afternoon. And for a while they fell back into familiar patterns; Mark curled up next to him on the sofa whilst they watched bad TV, joking and exchanging arch commentary like nothing had happened to remotely threaten the little world they had built for themselves.
Of course, Gary knew it couldn’t last; they couldn’t just ignore what had happened, and Mark had never once issued a ‘Then We’ll Talk’ warning he didn’t fully mean – because Mark sometimes struggled as much as Gary to actually talk about problems and tended not to want to waste the times he managed to steel himself against a difficult conversation. A part of Gary dreaded the moment coming, but the warmth of Mark’s affection was comforting in its constancy, and it was that which finally gave Gary the courage to bring up the day’s events.
“Don’t you hate me?” he asked softly into the dim glow of the television, keeping his eyes forwards even as Mark shifted beside him, looking up into his face. They were curled together in the corner of the sofa, Mark’s body tucked neatly against Gary’s side, and Gary could feel the depth of Mark’s sigh as his body moved against his own.
“No,” he said quietly. “I don’t hate you. Maybe I don’t like you that much right now but…” Mark trailed off into a shrug. A lock of hair had fallen across his forehead as he glanced down sadly and Gary winced to see that disappointed look from earlier cross his face once more. “Sometimes people don’t even like themselves though, do they? It’s not a crime to not be all-good all the time,” Mark murmured, something flickering in his eyes that Gary couldn’t quite read. “You’re human. And I love you for it – all the time, even when I don’t like you for it. So that’s enough for me.” He looked up at Gary then with a small, soft smile that Gary couldn’t help but reciprocate.
“I wish I could get the whole thing clearer in my head, Marko…I really do. But every time I think I know I can’t do it…I just…” Gary closed his eyes and let out a heavy side. “I don’t know. I just don’t know.” Mark placed a gentle hand on his cheek and reluctantly Gary opened his eyes, his gaze immediately meeting Mark’s, whose expression was sad and sympathetic at the same time.
“I get it, Gaz. You know if anyone was going to get it, it was going to be me. And it’s ok. I promise. Everyone here is going to be ok. You. Me. Howard and Jay.”
“You don’t have to be nice to me, you know.”
“I don’t have to be, but I will be,” Mark told him, his smile suddenly mischievous, and Gary let out a nervous laugh, shaking his head slightly and looking down.
“Jay must hate me,” he murmured and Mark scoffed.
“You know that’s not true – I talked to him, you know? Jay’s not daft. He’s a good mate, too. I know exactly what Jay thinks of you, Barlow. And it’s not changed that much over the past few hours.”
“Yeah, only coz he always knew I was a daft apeth,” Gary shot back with a half-smile and Mark laughed, elbowing him lightly.
“You know what I meant,” he scolded with a grin, eyes dancing. “Come on, Gaz. You know the way it is – we’re your mates. We’re sad that it’s going the way it’s going but…all of us just want you to be ok. To be better than ok: to be happy, you know? And when it comes to us? You’re all that matters to me, ok? So for goodness’ sake, Gary Barlow, see the light on your face and let it shine.” Gary looked into Mark’s face with a disbelieving smile, his eyes bright and grateful, his breath catching just slightly in his throat.
“Are you quoting song lyrics at me, Mark Owen?” he asked after a beat, forehead briefly creasing, and Mark just laughed softly, leaning in so their foreheads touched.
“No. But it’s a song I’ll help you write if you stay in the band,” he offered. Gary was surprised to find that, despite the guilt that pricked in his chest at the words, the sadness and worry was mostly gone. And, as though sensing it, Mark’s smiled at him lopsidedly, giving a small shrug. “There might just be hope for you yet, Gary Barlow.”
***
Howard traced his hand idly along the curve of Jason’s spine, the touch of his fingertips so light that they barely grazed the back of his neck, Jason’s eyes fluttering closed in response, a small, brief smile curving his thin lips. Jason had been quiet tonight, and not the peaceful sort of quiet Howard had grown to know and love. No, he knew Jason too well to buy the calm mask he was projecting. And really, it was a strange game the two of them were playing; Jason knew that Howard knew, Howard knew that Jason knew, and both of them sat in the pensive quiet, knowing each other too well to press the issue, but both too caught up in their own heads to relax. It was the first time since Tuesday that they’d had a chance to be this still, to get lost in their own thoughts; final planning for the weekend and the start of Grace’s Easter holidays had meant that either Mark, Grace or both of them had been constantly buzzing about the apartment, all smiles and determined excitement, a pleasantly distracting hum of movement keeping both Jason and Howard busy and smiling. Each one of their group of four brought something different to the planning; Mark with his natural flare for style and creativity, Jason with his unique ability to organize and his eye for detail, Grace with her quickness and boundless enthusiasm, and then Howard, who was naturally grounded and quiet, always able to keep the bigger picture in check, never losing sight of the fact that, as long as he and Jason were both happy and married come the end of the day, then the day would be a success. Not that he’d been entirely set back from the detail – Jason had had Howard choose the rings; the touching, silent gesture of someone who had spent his whole life determinedly not letting others have control, finally trusting someone enough to take that control but never abuse it. Howard had smiled as Jason had held his gaze – a quiet moment in the chaos that had caused even Mark and Grace to stop, smiling faintly with some vague understanding of what it meant. Jason had winked and turned away and the moment had been over in a heartbeat. But it had mattered.
Howard’s fingertips began to trace their path back down Jason’s spine, light and tender, and Jason flicked a glance up at him, his smile knowing. Howard didn’t meet his gaze, but his smile matched Jason’s and it was enough. Jason gave a small nod and looked away once more, tucking his head back beneath Howard’s chin. Oddly it was Gary’s name which was hanging in the air between them; neither one of them had seen him since Tuesday, Gary’s own anxiety getting the better of him to the point where he felt studiously avoiding them was better than risking seeing anger or disappointment on their faces. Jason had phoned him and Howard had listened to the ten minute conversation curiously, waiting until the fifth of Jason’s frustrated sighs before reaching out to catch him round his waist, pulling him close and pressing kisses to the back of his neck that had ebbed out a little of the tension from his body and made him smile. The conversation had still ended in an apology from Gary that Jason had failed to convince him didn’t need to be said. Howard couldn’t understand Gary’s logic for the life of him; isolating himself when neither Jason nor Mark had asked him to, when even Howard’s own anger had faded, dulled by Jason’s calm logic and the acceptance that their friendship mattered more to him than anything else. Tomorrow night Mark was taking them all out for a meal as they planned to spend the Friday night out in sensible celebration before Saturday’s eruption of company and colour – Gary’s presence was almost sure to be missing, though, and Howard knew how much that played on Jason’s mind. It frustrated him that there was no way for him to fix it. It was the absence in those usually bright eyes of Jason’s that unsettled him the most; bright, alert, and sparkling, Jason’s blue eyes would almost always tell him something, give him hints and clues, reprimands and teases. He sighed and pressed a kiss to the top of Jason’s head, wishing he could offer more but knowing, at the same time, that Jason thought his simple presence and the weight of his arm around him was enough. The feel of their bodies pressed together on the sofa was reassuring in a way Jason couldn’t really put into words and he enjoyed having someone in his life who would let him have his moments of weakness without making the mistake of thinking he was weak. Howard was strong for him when he was tired of being strong, but the way he looked at Jason never changed. It was something Jason had never had before and he relished it.
“Hey, you – are you sure you’re ok?” Howard asked softly after his fingers had traced their way up and down his spine once more. Jason closed his eyes, his smile sleepy but genuine as Howard’s fingers grazed the nape of his neck.
“I’m ok,” he murmured. Howard twisted to look down at him, smiling fondly at the expression on his face, at the way his eyelashes fanned out neatly against his skin and his pink lips curled at the corners.
“You know I don’t believe you, don’t you?” he asked gently, his smile widening briefly when Jason’s laugh vibrated against his ribs.
“I know,” he said quietly, his eyes fluttering open as he leant back to look into Howard’s face. “But you’re here. That makes the not being ok....ok.” He shrugged, his smile wry, and Howard chuckled softly, nodding.
“I really love that brain of yours, but I think it might be having an off day,” he teased and Jason laughed, pulling a face.
“Shut up, Donald. You know what I mean.” He stilled, meeting Howard’s eyes. “I think that’s the whole point, actually.” Howard smiled back at him, pressing a kiss to his forehead before leaning back.
“I guess it is,” he acknowledged softly. His fingers stilled on the small of Jason’s back. “Just so we’re clear: I so love you, Jason Orange.” Jason’s eyes twinkled and he pushed himself up ‘til their faces were close, his lips barely touching Howard’s.
“I suppose you’ll just about do,” he murmured, bringing their lips together for a kiss. When he finally pulled back and their eyes reopened, their gazes meeting immediately, his smile turned soft and thoughtful. “Or maybe – just maybe – I so love you too, Howard Donald,” he breathed.
***
“Oh no you don’t – you can’t make a comment like that and expect me not to ask!” Mark sat opposite Jason and Howard in the corner of one of The White Lion’s squashy, low sofas, the light of the fire casting patterns of shadows across his rounded, open face and catching the light in his eyes. “Are you saying you two actually knew each other already? Because that spoils the entire story of Howard coming into the shop that day.” Jason laughed at him softly.
“I never said we knew each other. I’m saying we’d seen each other. You can’t both be teenage breakdancers in Manchester and not have some friends in common,” he explained, flicking a mischievous glance at Howard before leaning forwards just slightly, the action making Mark instinctively lean forwards too, intrigued. “Honestly? He wasn’t good enough for my crew,” Jason stage-whispered, barely managing to smother his grin and falling easily into laughter when Howard pulled a face at him, smacking him lightly on the arm.
“Oi! I can still jump higher than you and you know it.”
“But you can’t spin on your head for as long.”
“Backflips. I own you on backflips.”
“Hey, no bickering you two, you still haven’t answered my question – how did you know each other?” Mark interrupted the mischievous back-and-forth with a fond roll of his eyes.
“We didn’t know each other. We saw each other, once. And we’re only guessing it was us…if that makes sense.” Howard frowned, seemingly confused by his own statement, and Jason smiled, shrugging idly.
“It’s safe to say Matt didn’t know that many people who’d willingly help him do a paint job on his house for free.” Jason paused then, frowning slightly. “Actually, I take that back – I wasn’t all that willing. I just owed him big. I’d known the guy since I was twelve, and he really knew how to store up the favours. Against me and my brothers – I think all of us owed him at some point.”
“So, what? Howard knew this guy too then?” Mark was just about following, though his face still scrunched up in a show of concentration that made Jason smile.
“Howard was the poor bastard who got stuck dancing with Matt when I left him in the dust for a better crew.”
“I only remember seeing Jay coz I vaguely recognized him; we all knew his about crew – I didn’t know him by name but I was jealous I’ll tell you that much. Course, I’d left all that behind by then. I was picking Matt up for a night out with some of our mates – all I saw of Jay was him covered in paint and walking off down the street.” Howard shrugged. “Neither one of us has Matt’s number anymore though, so we’ll probably never know for sure.”
“He moved down to London and no-one’s seen him since. Sad really – I’m still in touch with almost all the other guys,” Jason remarked quietly. Mark frowned slightly.
“So if you don’t know Matt anymore then how did any of this come up?” he asked and Howard chuckled.
“Jay’s mum still keeps a comprehensive photograph collection of her boys at every age possible. Even the painting and decorating age,” he grinned, looking over at Jason, eyes dancing playfully as he saw him pulling a face. “You look very fetching covered in paint, love,” he added and Jason smacked him playfully.
“This was about five or so months ago now – my mum was actually on a quest to embarrass the other twin. Story of my life,” he remarked, smiling in a way that suggested he didn’t mind his mum’s photograph collection half as much as he pretended to. He glanced up at Howard’s still-laughing face and sighed before turning back to look at Mark with a nonplussed expression “He’s lucky he’s handsome – because otherwise that smug grin of his would really need to be smacked,” he commented dryly, the shine in his eyes betraying him as he shot Howard a knowing sidelong glance. Mark laughed at the two of them, shaking his head and sinking back against the sofa cushions happily.
Mark liked this. Jason and Howard’s easy banter with each other was refreshing after a week of Gary’s tense, apologetic sentences and too-long pauses. He hadn’t realised how much he’d missed the silliness and the laughter that normally passed between them all, the way the friendship between them had created its own shorthand and given them a uniquely safe space to be daft and – more importantly – simply be themselves for a while before having to return to being whatever it was their other friends, families and the rest of the world needed of them. Of course he wished Gary was here to appreciate it too – it wasn’t the same without him, though that didn’t dampen things as much as Mark had thought it might. It was odd to be spending time together, making memories together, and not having him be part of them, so much of their time having been spent in each other’s company for so many years, increasingly so since Howard’s arrival in the shop that day when he and Jason had first begun their game of challenges and teases, still continuing with that same edge of flirtation even today with their wedding just hours away. Mark glanced back up at them then, smothering a laugh as he caught them still bickering, Howard pulling a childish face and Jason shooting him down with a dry remark, their own little dance that Mark had come to know so well. They both looked good tonight – and not simply because Jason’s dark blue shirt brought out his eyes and Howard’s tight black jumper emphasised his broad shoulders and muscular build. There was a happiness and a lightness in their eyes, something relaxed about the way they lay back against the sofa cushions, Jason with his legs tucked under him neatly and Howard sprawling out, his arm along the back of the sofa, reaching just far enough for his fingers to occasionally brush the nape of Jason’s neck and make him shoot playful glares Howard’s way. The two of them had always been able to do that in a way Mark quietly envied; their bodies seemed to move with synchronicity, one unfolding as the other folded and neither really having to think about the action before it was made.
“Alright you two, toast time!” Mark chirped suddenly, pushing down his brief attack of jealousy with a bright, genuine smile. He was roughly ninety percent heart and he would never begrudge his friends their easy happiness; besides, knowing Jason as he did, he couldn’t think of anyone who deserved to feel that peace more.
“And what exactly would we be toasting to, Mr.Owen?” Jason enquired, his head dropping lazily back against Howard’s arm. Howard’s fingers brushed his ear and he pulled a face, batting him away. His eyes were smiling despite his show of annoyance and Howard smirked quietly to himself. Mark smothered a grin and tilted his head to one side, as though thinking very carefully before choosing what to toast to. Suddenly his eyes lit up and he leant forward mischievously, his grin lighting his whole face.
“You know what? I propose a toast to the series of wonderful embarrassments your brothers are going to subject you both to when we get to the speeches tomorrow,” he declared in a sing-song tone, and Howard and Jason let out matching groans, Jason rolling across slightly to bury his face in Howard’s chest, the two of them laughing softly despite themselves.
“I’m locking Justin in a cloakroom.” Jason’s voice was muffled by Howard’s chest but it was still possible to hear the amusement at its edges and Mark laughed brightly.
“Oh I’m going to have so much fun tomorrow,” he declared, flopping back on the sofa with a triumphant grin. Jason tilted his head to look over at him – his mouth was still curved in an amused smile even as he narrowed his eyes at Mark playfully.
“You’re an evil little pixie, you know that?” he remarked. Howard’s arm fell softly around Jason’s shoulders and he dropped a kiss to the top of his head.
“Maybe we should lock Mark in a cloakroom too. Teach him a lesson,” he suggested, a glint in his eye, and Jason arched an eyebrow.
“Now I remember why I agreed to marry you,” he chuckled as Mark let out a yelp of protest.
“I take it back – we can toast to something else!” Jason and Howard laughed and Mark grinned back at them, sitting up again and making a delighted ‘oo’ noise as a thought occurred to him. “In fact – Grace and me are more or less running the show tomorrow, right?” he clarified. Howard and Jason both tipped their heads in acknowledgement and Mark shrugged as though his point were proved. “Well in that case your brothers won’t get the chance to make any toasts. Promise. Call it my wedding present,” Mark said with a nod. “And on that note: I have an idea for a much better toast.” He raised his glass and waited as Howard and Jason exchanged a glance before slowly pushing themselves up to pick up their own glasses and hold them up slightly. “I say we toast to inexplicable attractive music shops,” Mark beamed and Jason and Howard laughed.
“And don’t forget, Marko; their very explicable attractive shop assistants,” Howard added with a grin as the three of them clinked their glasses together and sealed the toast.
***
Gary jumped as the sound of the front door closing stirred him from his sleep, the sudden movement sending the remote tumbling to the floor as he blinked himself awake, tentatively pushing himself upright just in time to see Mark perform a complicated half-skip step as he came into the room, his eyes shining with a mixture of glee and a little bit too much wine. He offered Gary a genuine smile as he threw himself down onto the cushions next to him, letting out a sigh that was part-contentment, part-exhaustion.
“I take it you had fun then?” Gary asked through a yawn, vaguely amused as Mark let out a happy hum, his eyes closing.
“Mm, we all did. Them two were already bickering when I arrived, something about who was the best as some obscure dance move or other, I don’t really know. But we got to talking, and by the end of it, I had the true story of how they really met.” Mark opened his eyes, waggling his eyebrows for emphasis. “Now you wish you’d come, don’t you,” he smiled.
“How they really met?” Gary frowned, confused, but Mark simply chuckled softly, patting his arm before closing his eyes once more, letting out a heavy sigh.
“We missed you, you know,” Mark said quietly after a beat. Gary swallowed.
“Even Howard?” he asked pointedly and Mark opened one eye to issue a half-hearted glare.
“You know he did – he’s not really angry. He just wants Jay to be happy, that’s all. The thing you need to remember about Howard is that he’s basically just a police dog. He can attack you, and he probably will if you do something wrong – but only on Jay’s command.” Mark shrugged. “The rest of the time he’s actually as soft as they come. And anyway, you know he’d probably drive you to that meeting himself if Jay asked him to.” Gary chuckled.
“You sure about that?”
“Positive, Gary Barlow.” Mark yawned, curling up and resting his head on Gary’s shoulder with a sleepy sigh. “I think you’re his best friend, actually. After Jay. If you’d been around the past week you’d see. And whatever happens tomorrow, you know…you’ll have to face up to it someday. What’s it say about your choices if you can’t bear them before they’re even made?”
***
Howard woke up to the pale, bluish pre-dawn light of the Manchester sky. He was stretched out across the bed, aware of the space beside him even as he struggled to push the fog of sleep from his mind. As he rolled over, he blinked slightly into the semi-darkness of the room, his eyes falling immediately on where Jason stood, silhouetted against the window, his arms wrapped around himself as he stared outwards. The light hit the lines of his handsome face in a curious way, making his eyes seem grey and casting him in peculiar shadows. His thin lips were curved into a line that wasn’t quite a smile, and he looked gorgeous in that strange, colourless light. Slowly Howard pushed himself out of the bed, coming to stand behind Jason and wrapping his arms around his waist, pressing a kiss to his bare shoulder before resting his chin there. His eyes were on the skyline, but he sensed Jason’s smile all the same, felt the way he leant into him slightly in a silent gesture of ‘Hello You’.
“Penny for your thoughts,” Howard whispered and Jason turned his head to look at him, eyes sparkling lightly.
“Is that all they’re worth to you, Howard Donald?” Howard chuckled, squeezing him a little tighter and lifting his head to press a brief kiss to Jason’s lips.
“You know you could name any price and I’d pay,” he whispered back, leaning their foreheads together. Jason’s smile softened.
“You really don’t have to work that hard for me,” he said, the playful edge to his voice a contrast with the way he looked so determinedly into Howard’s eyes as he spoke.
“Then talk to me,” Howard told him softly, stealing another quick kiss for good measure.
“I was just thinking about it all. You and me.” Jason shrugged. “The way it feels like the safest thing in the world and the biggest gamble at the same time…and yet I just can’t bring myself to be worried about that.” Howard smiled slightly and Jason caught his eye, matching his smile immediately. “All in. On the condition you’re all in too – this isn’t what the people on TV tell you love is about, you know? I’m not going to pretend I don’t need everything back from you, because I do.” Jason turned in Howard’s embrace, cupping his face in his hands and meeting his eyes earnestly. “That’s the offer here, Donald. And I just need to know we both understand it.” Howard brought his own hands up in mirror of Jason’s gesture, his thumbs pressing lightly at Jason’s skin as he looked into his eyes, his own blue eyes bright in the half-light of their bedroom.
“It’s already a done deal, Jay. I took your offer a long time ago and you took mine too, ok?” he murmured, his lips twitching up when he saw Jason’s knowing smile.
“Ok,” Jason whispered back, tipping his head up just enough to capture Howard’s lips with his own, pulling him into a drawn out kiss.
***
Gary scrunched up his face as an abrupt burst of sunlight was allowed to enter the room, falling across his face and invading his sleep. He slowly brought his arm up to his face for protection, squinting experimentally out into the room and trying to let his eyes adjust to the light. From what he could tell from behind his arm, Mark seemed to be the culprit; or at least, someone small and Mark-shaped could be seen in silhouette, yanking the curtains open purposefully before executing a neat spin on his heel, turning to face Gary suddenly, hands on hips. It was only at this point that it occurred to Gary that he was still on the sofa, and slowly he lowered his arm from in front of his face, looking blearily around the living room before his eyes came to settle once more on Mark, who was watching him in mild amusement.
“Rise and shine, Barlow – there’s a world out there and it’s waiting for you,” he declared, coming over to the sofa and allowing Gary to see his expression more clearly. He was smiling – a wide and excited grin – and his eyes were bright and glittering. Gary couldn’t quite bring himself to share in the joys of daybreak, groaning slowly and pushing himself into a sitting position.
“What time is it?” he asked through a yawn and Mark rolled his eyes affectionately.
“Early. But we both have busy days so I thought I should wake you up before I left – I thought you might oversleep otherwise.” Gary looked up at his still-beaming face and shook his head in mild disbelief.
“Alright, Marko – own up: what are you taking and where can I get some?”
“I’m just high on life, Barlow,” Mark shrugged, tilting his head to one side. “Happy for the sake of being happy – and spending the day with some of my best mates in the world tends to give me a lift, you know?” Gary nodded, looking away, and Mark sighed. “I’m taking the chance to just spend a day not worrying about the bigger stuff and concentrating on the things that make all the other stuff bearable. You should try it – you never know, you might like it.” Gary nodded again, his lips forming a tight line before he blew out a breath.
“Ok, so what time is it exactly?” he asked, finally looking up. “Stop being cagey and just tell me so I know how much sugar I’m going to need in my tea if I want to function. Why did I even need waking up exactly?!” Mark arched an eyebrow.
“Blimey, Barlow – how deeply asleep were you?” he asked, chuckling when Gary shot him a half-hearted glare. “What time is your train?” Mark added, his voice softer, and Gary scrunched up his face in concentration. “Never mind; I’ve booked your taxi already anyway. You’ve still got two hours before you have to go anywhere. I’ve got to go in about ten minutes though, so if you have any messages you want passing to the happy couple then now would be a good time.”
“No, first things first, Owen; now is a good time for tea. No heavy conversations before I’ve had my tea, please,” Gary insisted, slowly getting to his feet and making his way towards the kitchen. He heard Mark chuckle behind him, following him through to the kitchen where he hovered in the doorway as Gary made a beeline for the kettle. Gary could feel his eyes on his back as he fussed with the tea, but he couldn’t bring himself to turn around and meet his gaze.
It had occurred to him – somewhere between waking up and Mark informing him that his taxi was booked – that this was probably going to be his life in the future, if his meeting later went well and he really pursued all his music dreams without the rest of the band. Always on the outskirts, always pulling in a different direction to the rest of them – the odd one out, missing out. Perhaps, on the surface, this choice he was making was simply whether to go to a meeting on behalf of the band or whether to go to the wedding of two of his best friends. But they all knew if he turned up at the meeting alone then it would be perceived that he was a separate entity to the rest of the band, a prospect to be considered alone and brought on without them. Calling to cancel or insist on a meeting some other day would have been a strong message, it was the message Mark, Jason and Howard had all been willing to present. It would have showed more than just a united front and a sense of them being a team – it would have also been a statement of intent, a show of them believing in their band and their music enough to trust that another chance would come, that their shared memories were more important and anyone willing to overlook that could be passing up on something special. He was surprised to find that, the more he thought about it, the more he feared that, beneath the bluster and the determination, he was just a somewhat self-absorbed little coward who couldn’t make the leap of faith that was required of him. And yet, there was something pulling at him, something he couldn’t place. A nagging doubt that maybe he wasn’t actually that person anymore – that knowing these three men as he did and spending time with them had begun to change him for the better, giving him some of his bravery back after all those knockbacks of the past.
He took a deep breath and turned around. Mark had moved away from the doorway now, standing over by the kitchen table instead, studying a ramshackle collection of items which had been gathering on the kitchen table over the past couple of days as his efforts to put the finishing touches to Jason and Howard’s wedding had been stepped up. Gary took the unguarded moment as a chance to look at Mark – really look at him, that is. He was stunning in the soft gold hues of the morning sun that danced around their kitchen; those eyes of his were so eager and bright, the soft lines of his face were friendly and expressive and he seemed to hum with energy. There was always something so restless about Mark, but today all that energy seemed to have found a place – a place that wasn’t a studio or a stage, the only other times Gary had ever known Mark suddenly seem so at ease. The friendship between the four of them had somehow changed all of their places in the world, given all of them something that they had hardly noticed had been missing before but now was fundamental to the way they lived their lives. Mark seemed willing to test that, to take the risk of trusting that to be enough. Gary wondered if he dared do the same.
“You’ll give ‘em my love won’t you? Tell ‘em congratulations from me,” he said quietly at last, and Mark looked up with a kind, quiet smile.
“You know, you could just tell ‘em yourself if you got dressed quick enough…come with me to their place for a half-hour or so? You’d still be back in time for your taxi.”
“Markie…” Gary started sadly, trailing off as Mark sucked in a breath, waving a dismissive hand and blinking rapidly, trying to find something to busy himself with, his hands settling on the buttonhole on the table in front of him. He picked it up and played with it, his eyes down, and Gary watched him, waiting for some sort of plea or reprimand. But one never came. Instead Mark simply nodded to himself, biting down on his lip.
“Ok.” He swallowed, looking up at Gary with a small smile. “Well, I’ve got to get going anyway. So…I’ve picked out an outfit for you – it’s out on the bed. Don’t bother trying to style yourself, Barlow, you know it’d be hopeless.” His face cracked into a small grin and he crossed over to stand in front of Gary. “You look after yourself in London, ok? And call me later. Me, Jay and Howard will all have our phones on – we talked about it and we want to know.” Mark placed his hands on Gary’s chest and met his eyes. “Now, give me a kiss, you big lump,” he said, determinedly, and Gary chuckled, obligingly planting a lingering kiss against Mark’s lips before pulling him up against him in a firm hug.
“I love you,” he told Mark quietly and Mark squeezed him a little tighter.
“And I love you too.”
No more than five minutes later, Gary found himself standing alone in the kitchen, staring into space as he listened to the sound of Mark driving away. With a heavy sigh he forced himself to move, picking up his mug of tea and heading for the bedroom to inspect what outfit Mark had laid out for him. As he came into the room he was surprised to see not one, but two outfits neatly laid out on the bed: the first a carefully arranged collection of clothes Gary recognised from his own wardrobe lying loose, the second lying inside an unzipped garment bag and clearly not an outfit Gary had seen before. He came closer and looked at the second outfit more carefully and, slowly but surely, he began to realise exactly what this second outfit had been put there for. It was a sharp suit, well-cut but not overpoweringly formal, a modern, trendy edge that screamed Mark Owen Chose This and made Gary smile. The shirt was crisp, white and classic and the waistcoat and tie that had been laid out with it were a rich, navy blue in colour and the tie’s material seemed to shimmer in the light that came through the bedroom window. The ensemble was a near-perfect match to the outfit Mark had left in, the only difference being that Mark’s had been complimented with a bowtie rather than the conventional necktie that lay on the bed before Gary.
The short time since that Tuesday afternoon call had been a whirlwind. But somewhere in the middle of all of it, Gary could still hear Jason’s voice, crystal clear and as crisp as if he were in the room. Looking up constantly can be exhausting, you know? And sometimes when you actually get up there and look around, you realise those stars you were looking up at weren’t even real anyway – that you were standing in paradise all along but just didn’t bother looking around you. And suddenly Gary felt exhausted. Suddenly he knew exactly what Jason meant about not forgetting exactly what he had lost and gained in all the time he’d been fighting for his music. Suddenly he couldn’t help but wonder if any of the losses came close to the significance of his greatest gain from it all: three friends, who understood all his stories and his failings and his music and stood by him for it all. Slowly, he walked over to his bedside table, picking up his book of lyrics and holding it tightly for a moment, indecision briefly wracking him before he pushed it away and began to flick to the pages of the notebook to where he’d written down Jason’s little speech. Key words and phrases were underlined, a jumble of half-finished threads of lyric and melody ideas scribbled in the margins. He chewed his lip. There was a song in there somewhere – but the question was: was it a song he was willing to sing on his own?
***
Howard looked up from his laptop with a smile as the sound of Grace’s laugh caught his attention. He looked over to the breakfast bar, where Grace was sitting on one of the high stools, Jason standing opposite her, leaning against the counter so that their faces were level. They were both smiling, Jason’s eyes dancing mischievously as the two of them huddled together conspiratorially. From the beginning, Jason and Grace had forged a friendship between them that Howard knew was entirely independent of him; being an only child – and his and Vicky’s situation being as it was – Grace was used to being treated as an equal, spoken to as an unofficial adult and included without question, though very few adults outside her immediate family seemed to know quite how to do that – and yet it had never seemed to have occurred to Jason to treat her as anything less, instinctively viewing her as more than bright enough to cope with it and offering her a genuine respect that she had recognised immediately. Young as she was, Grace was still fiendishly sharp and had gone out of her way to put an abrupt end to more than one of her parents’ relationships in her time, but it had never been a question with Jason; perhaps the only question had been whether she would allow Howard and Jason to decide for themselves that they wanted to be together, or whether she simply wouldn’t stand for them deciding anything different.
“Oh, is that what you think?” Jason’s voice was bright and teasing and Grace’s smile was unapologetic. She swung her legs back at forth, resting her chin on her hand – the very picture of innocence if it wasn’t for the mischievous smile she was flashing in Jason’s direction as she shrugged.
“Maybe,” she shot back and Jason narrowed his eyes at her.
“Maybe, is it? Well do you want to know what I think?” When Grace simply pursed her lips, Jason smiled, leaning in a little closer. “I think you should really be nicer to the guy in charge of which table you get to sit at later,” he remarked, arching an eyebrow. “I mean, I could put you with your grandma and all the little kids, if I wanted to. But maybe if you were willing to do me a favour, it could be arranged for you to sit with your dad and Mark and me.” Jason leant back with a cheerful smile and Howard bit back a laugh. “Your choice, Gracie. But I know what I’d choose if I were you.” Grace giggled even as she feigned a gasp.
“You’re so mean,” she told Jason without a hint of conviction.
“I know, it’s amazing isn’t it?” Jason replied with a sly wink and Grace simply stuck her tongue out at him, clearly out of retorts. It wasn’t often his daughter was outmanoeuvred and Howard was impressed – even Jason seemed to relish the victory, giving Grace a knowing little nod before handing over something to Grace that made her sit up a little straighter, her smile suddenly turning excited yet determined. “Just promise me you’re not as bad at remembering where you put things as your dad is,” Jason told her with a soft smile and Grace simply beamed, taking whatever it was Jason had handed her and swiftly jumping down from where she had been sitting. As she did so, Howard finally worked out what it was in her hand – a long, silver necklace chain from which hung three rings: his and Jason’s simple wedding rings (silver, the outer edges a high-polish finish that flanked a satin-finished centre) and, beside them, the ring which they had decided would be given to Grace (a pretty, simple ring of dark, sapphire-coloured stones which twinkled as they caught the morning sunlight.) Jason and Howard had both agreed that the gesture – small as it was – was important, as much a part of their day as their own rings because it represented an acknowledgment that his and Jason’s promises weren’t only to each other. Grace slipped the long chain around her neck with a soft smile, letting the rings clink together as the chain fell into place.
“Ok, now I’m ready,” she told Jason, who gave her a nod to show he was impressed. Her dress was simple; navy blue, a vaguely Grecian hint to the way the top of it was pleated and slowly gathered up from its sash into two elegant straps – it fell just above her knees in a crinoline hem and she swished the fabric happily, turning once on the low heel of her strappy black sandals. Her hair was mostly loose but for a barrette of dark blue roses and baby’s breath that pulled back a swathe of her wild curls from her face, and when she moved her curls all bounced with her.
“Beautiful,” Jason smiled, tilting his head to one side. “But you know Mark Owen isn’t going to let you out-dress him, don’t you?” he added and Grace simply twirled again, her curls flying out behind her as she did.
“We’ll see,” she replied happily. Howard smothered a grin and pretended to be looking back down at his laptop, where a series of work emails filled the screen. He continued to type out a blanket ‘Out-of-office’ email to reply to them all, shaking his head slightly as he did so.
Just as Howard was pressing send, Mark emerged from the corridor – he’d redone his hair since they had last seen him, now having swept it up off his face, and he seemed ridiculously pleased with his efforts. In one hand he was carrying a cardboard box that Howard eyed suspiciously, whilst in the other hand he was holding a tatty notebook that Howard suspected held more information and planning about the day ahead than either he or Jason was aware of. Mark waved the notebook in the air vaguely as he hopped up to sit on the stool at the breakfast bar Grace had just vacated.
“I don’t want to boast, but everything is running so ahead of schedule at this point that I could go down to the shops, buys us all new outfits, redo my hair, and we still wouldn’t be late,” he announced happily. Jason regarded him for a moment before shaking his head fondly, folding his arms.
“Marko, you do realise you look more done up for this than Howard and me put together,” he pointed out, and Mark pulled a face.
“Not my fault that me and Grace know how to dress up proper, Jay,” he informed Jason with an unapologetic grin and Jason chuckled.
“Well maybe if you’d relinquish the buttonholes,” he pointed out and Mark smirked.
“All in good time, Jay,” he said, his voice oddly cryptic, and Jason glanced over at Howard, meeting his eyes immediately. They shared an amused look before Howard shrugged and laughed, mirroring the gesture. “I’ll finish sorting you two out when we get there – but for now we need to work out whose car we’re going in.”
“Jay’s,” Howard cut in decisively, standing and coming to join the others over by the breakfast bar. Mark quirked an eyebrow.
“Even though Jay’s is the smallest car?” Mark frowned. Jason smiled knowingly.
“Jay’s might be the smallest car, but Jay is the only one here who I trust to drive right now,” he said dryly, eyes glittering as he met Howard’s gaze. Howard chuckled but Mark pouted.
“You mean you don’t trust me?” he asked, trying to look hurt despite a smile lingering in his eyes.
“No. But it’s nothing personal – I just know how you get when you’re excited,” Jason told him, shrugging. “Now are we all ready to go?”
“Yes!” Grace said brightly, bouncing on her heels, and Howard laughed, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her into a hug against his side.
“Well in that case, let’s go,” Jason declared.
***
Gary was on the platform when that nagging feeling in the back of his mind finally managed to break through; if this doesn’t make me happy, why am I doing this? He looked around him, his eyes falling on the only other solo-travellers he could see. To his left slouched a morose teenager who was biting at his nails – he had headphones in his ears and a guitar case at his feet and the expression on his face was somewhere between anger, despondency and pain. Standing in front of him, close to the platform’s edge, a harried-looking man in a business suit made excuses to someone on the other end of his mobile phone, his voice a tired, pleading sound but his expression that of a man who wasn’t really listening to whichever loved one it was he was evidently letting down. And then, way off to the right of the platform, Gary could make out a lone figure who he dimly recognized. He watched the man for a moment; his head was low, his jacket collar pulled up high, his shoulders slouched. And then finally it came to Gary; he had seen the man on TV once, a long time ago. A singer – some one-hit wonder who the press had greatly enjoyed mocking when his second album had come out to painfully embarrassing sales figures. Gary winced and looked away. It was tough enough in the music industry, but being out there all by yourself? He drew in a breath and shook his head. Looking up constantly can be exhausting, you know? And sometimes when you actually get up there and look around, you realise those stars you were looking up at weren’t even real anyway. Gary blinked, and looked around.
“I don’t have to do this,” he murmured to himself, as though it was some great revelation. And, in truth, to him it was. He glanced down at his watch and did a quick sum in his head before standing abruptly. “I don’t have to do this,” he said again, turning suddenly and heading for the platform exit, ignoring the concerned glances he received from the woman and child who had been sitting next to him.
***
“You still got the rings, kiddo?” Grace spun around at the sound of a voice behind her, the chain around her neck chinking dramatically as she whirled around to face Jason’s twin brother Justin. She had been on her way back to the room where Mark, Howard and Jason were taking the time to enjoy a little peace before the ceremony began and she hadn’t been expecting to encounter anyone else on her journey – not that it took her long to recover herself, easily mustering mild indigence at Justin’s question. She liked Justin – he wasn’t her favourite of Jason’s many siblings but usually he had the sense not to question her too much, perhaps because he, like Jason, instinctively knew better, or perhaps simply because Jason had warned him, she didn’t know for sure.
“Of course I have,” Grace huffed, her hand clasping around the rings which were still swinging wildly from the chain around her neck, and Justin chuckled, holding up his hands in mock surrender.
“Sorry, I forgot,” he said, shaking his head slightly. “I can see why you and Jay get on so well, you know that? That’s the exact same look he gives me when he thinks I’ve just asked a really stupid question,” he added, amused, and Grace smiled, feeling oddly proud. “Hey, listen, before I get back to ushering, can I ask you something?”
“Ok…” Grace agreed cautiously, brow furrowed. Justin edged a little closer.
“What exactly is going on with Gary? Jay won’t be drawn but his best mate not showing up to his wedding seems like a bit of an oversight to me.” Grace folded her arms.
“You can’t fool me; if Jason didn’t tell you, it’s because you’re not allowed to know,” she declared with a smug grin and Justin narrowed his eyes at her, letting out a slightly disbelieving laugh.
“We’re definitely going to need to talk to your dad about you spending less time with my twin, you know that? Because this is getting spooky,” he remarked, winking at her before glancing back over his shoulder and letting out a long sigh. “Fine, I’ll go back in there and see if dad’s here yet.” He stretched his arms out above his head as if preparing for battle. “Later, kiddo.”
Grace watched Justin disappear back into the room where the ceremony was going to take place, a grin on her face. She waited until the door closed behind him before she spun on her heel, launching back into her half-run half-skip from before as she hurried along the corridor, returning to her previous mission. She was just starting to gain momentum when suddenly her body collided with someone else’s and she thudded to an abrupt stop. Whoever it was caught her easily, and Grace slowly looked up into their face, about to apologize until she saw exactly who it was she had collided with.
“Gary!” she exclaimed, a delight in her eyes that seemed to surprise Gary greatly. Seeing his bewildered expression, Grace chose not to reveal the fact that both Jason and Mark had told her to look out for Gary trying to sneak in at the back. She regarded him carefully for a moment, looking him up and down. He was wearing a suit that matched Mark’s perfectly, though his body language was awkward and he wrung his hands together nervously. Grace suppressed her grin as best she could; she had strict instructions to send him Jason and Mark’s way if he appeared, and she had no intention of letting either of them down. “That way, down the corridor, door on the left,” Grace told him simply and Gary stared at her a moment. She simply rolled her eyes and took him by the hand, leading him in the direction she’d been intending to go anyway.
Gary had felt a lot like a rabbit in the headlights when he had seen Grace Donald coming barrelling towards him. Having avoided attracting any attention at the venue’s reception, he’d been expecting to be able to smoothly and quietly slip into the back of the ceremony just before it started, not attracting the attention of any of the Orange or Donald clans and hopefully avoiding any questions as to why he wasn’t – like Mark – more heavily involved in proceedings. Now, as Grace pulled him (with surprising force) towards where he suspected Jason, Howard and Mark to be, he suddenly became very aware of the fact that he had made no plan for being confronted by the three people whose disappointment and judgement he had successfully dodged for days. It was one thing to decide you were sorry, it was another thing to try and explain yourself and issue that apology in words that were worthy of forgiveness.
When they finally came to the door Grace had indicated, Gary barely had time to draw in a breath before she’d knocked, the sound of Mark’s voice calling back something that sounded like ‘Come in’ barely registering to him in the panicked haze of his brain. Grace glanced at him, clearly amused, before opening the door and pulling him inside behind her.
As soon as he was into the room, Grace let go of him, skipping over to her dad who smiled down at her, lifting her up into a hug. Jason was standing next to him, arms folded, clearly having stopped talking mid-sentence, eyes bright and curious as he regarded Gary carefully, his smile giving nothing away. And, standing just apart from the two of them, was Mark, a cardboard box in his hands that he had just begun to lift the lid off when Gary appeared. Mark was the first to break the spell of silence that had fallen on them, launching himself at Gary, all his earlier excitement undiminished. He flung his arms around Gary’s neck, and Gary was too glad to feel his immediate affection being bestowed upon him to notice the painful angle at which the cardboard box in Mark’s hand was now jabbing into his back. Over Mark’s shoulder, Gary could see Jason chuckling, exchanging an unreadable glance with a smiling Howard before leaning in to murmur something to Grace.
“Good work, kiddo.” Gary’s eyes widened in slight surprise; did that mean Jason had been expecting him after all? He looked to Howard for some sort of confirmation, and Howard simply shrugged – as best he could with Grace still in his arms – giving Gary a wry grin.
“Nice of you to show up, Barlow,” he said, no hint of annoyance in his tone.
“I’m so glad you made it in time, Gaz. Really,” Mark agreed, finally freeing him from his embrace and smiling up at him winningly.
“Any words of wisdom for us?” Jason enquired, arching one eyebrow, and Gary let out a slightly anxious laugh.
“Lads,” he said, as though the word alone was a plea. “I’m an idiot – does that make you all happy?” Gary swept his gaze across the three men, eyebrows raised, and he was relieved when all three of them shot him amused grins. “Look, I…I am so sorry. For this past week, for not getting my act together sooner, for showing up last minute and just expecting it to all be ok…” Gary shook his head as he trailed off, letting out a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding. “Sometimes I forget that the end-goal doesn’t have to be the be-all and end-all…and honestly, I would rather try and fail but still have what the four of us have at the end of it than keep on fighting blindly on my own. Because I remember what that was like…and it nearly killed me.” Gary looked down, shrugging awkwardly. “So…if you still want me, I’m here. And if you want me to take the lead I will but...I’m not doing it alone anymore.” He risked a glance up and immediately met Jason’s eyes. “There’ll be other days to go to London and dream. Today I just want to make memories with my best mates.” He cast a sidelong glance at Mark, who winked at him knowingly, wrapping an arm around his waist and pressing a kiss to his cheek.
“What do you say, Grace – you think we should let him stick around?” Jason asked playfully. Howard chuckled as Grace pretended to mull it over, he and Jason exchanging knowing looks over the top of her head.
“Remember who gives you free piano lessons on the side, kiddo,” Gary grinned and Grace laughed, looking at Jason and giving him a nod.
“Ok. He can stay.” Jason laughed.
“Looks like you’re in luck today,” Howard remarked before glancing at Mark. “Marko, I think you should do the honours.” Gary frowned, confused as Mark let out a sudden, gleeful gasp and broke away from him, turning his attention back to the cardboard box he was holding. Gary’s expression cleared into one of understanding when Mark lifted the lid to reveal one buttonhole consisting of a dark blue rose and baby’s breath. He looked over at Jason, who shrugged – Gary’s eyes caught on the matching buttonholes worn by the other occupants of the room then and he raised his eyebrows in surprise.
“Every now and again, I like to be an optimist,” Jason said softly, and Gary chuckled.
“Thank you,” he replied, letting Mark pin the buttonhole to his jacket.
***
It didn’t take long for Mark to begin fussing. Everything around Gary had seemed to click back into place in a blink, and before he knew it, Mark had disappeared from his side to go and tidy Grace’s hair. Jason – having re-pinned Howard’s lopsided buttonhole to his jacket before allowing Howard himself to take a phone call from a hopelessly lost friend – had settled himself calmly on a chair in the corner, and Gary had drifted over to join him, sitting down on the chair next to him slowly and joining him in surveying the scene. Jason and Howard were both dressed smartly, without their outfits seeming overly formal – it was fitting somehow that there was still that casual air about them even now, a much fairer representation of the two of them than if they’d been forced into over-the-top formal suits. Instead they were both in sharply cut jackets in a crisp navy blue velvet, the trim in sleek, satiny black. Beneath their matching jackets they wore simple white shirts, the first two buttons left unbuttoned, the collars open. It was simple. It was right.
As Gary looked over at him, Jason tilted his head to one side, his smile amused as Mark and Grace began bickering about something – it occurred to Gary for the first time since he’d got here just how incredible calm he seemed, how his quiet seemed less protective and more contented than Gary had expected. Jason was a great thinker and Gary had somehow assumed that that, on a day like today, would surely lead to him fretting. Jason seemed to feel Gary’s eyes on him then, glancing over, eyes dancing.
“You do know my mum has already given me the parental ‘are you sure’ speech, right? I don’t need you fretting over me and all,” he commented with a grin and Gary laughed.
“Is that so?” he asked and Jason simply smiled quietly.
“I think you should know better than anyone, Barlow,” he replied, eyes going back to Howard, who spotted him immediately and grinned back, nodding his head at his phone and rolling his eyes. Jason chuckled. “His friend Joel. Could get lost just crossing from one side of a room to the other,” he explained idly. “For some reason I’ve not managed to convince him to ditch his old friends just because the ones I’ve found for him are better,” he added with a mischievous grin that forced a soft laugh out of Gary.
“Maybe it’s Howard I should be giving the ‘are you sure’ speech too, then,” he teased, and Jason rolled his eyes theatrically.
“Try if you like, Barlow, but between us, me and Grace own him. And he knows it.” Gary and Jason exchanged a look and both quickly broke into laughter. For a moment they sat in silence, both watching as Mark and Grace’s bickering turned into a serious discussion of something, their expressions matching suddenly. “You are aware that Mark has already picked out a puppy for the two of you?” Jason asked into the quiet. Gary let out a soft chuckle and rested his head against the back of the chair with an amused sigh.
“I wasn’t, no. But I can’t say I’m surprised. I don’t think Howard is the only one with a saying no problem,” he remarked wryly. Jason suppressed a grin.
“It’s a chocolate Labrador. And he’s calling it Cadbury. Technically the two of you don’t own him yet – and technically Mark is going to ask you if you like him. But my advice would be to just say yes and run with it,” he shrugged. Gary paused for a moment, his head nodding vaguely in agreement as he continued to watch Mark and Grace. After a beat, however, he pushed himself up a little in his chair, a frown on his face as he turned to Jason.
“Cadbury?” he echoed slowly before shaking his head slightly. “What is that man’s obsession with sugar?!” he asked. Jason laughed
At that moment, there was another knock on the door, before, with little to no pause for permission allowed, the door opened slightly, attracting the attention of everyone in the room. Gary didn’t miss the world-weary way Jason rolled his eyes when it was his twin brother’s face that appeared around the door.
“Sorry, got bored of listening to our mum telling Howard’s mum every bad story about the two of us ever,” Justin grinned, not a hint of guilt on his face. Jason tried his best not to smile. “Anyway – guess who is here and actually in his seat, not even ‘on time’ but actually early?” Justin waggled his eyebrows. “Dad. I don’t know what you threatened him with but it worked,” he grinned. Jason did break a smile at that.
“I may have given him a slightly earlier time than everyone else, actually,” he admitted, glancing down at his watch briefly before looking back at Justin with amusement. “Technically he’s actually late,” he added and Justin laughed.
“That makes a lot more sense,” he nodded, before flicking a sly glance across at Howard. “Last chance to change your mind,” he sing-songed as his eyes travelled back to Jason, laughing at the unimpressed look Jason shot him; lips pursed, eyes slightly narrowed. “Or not,” he quickly suggested. Howard had hung up the phone now, and was watching the exchange with a grin on his face, and Justin turned his eyes onto him instead. “What about you? I’m his twin, I’m stuck with him – but you? You actually have an out in all this,” he tried. Howard’s grin softened into a smile and he exchanged a glance with Jason.
“No. I really don’t.” Justin sighed, rolling his eyes despite the smile on his lips.
“Well in that case, you’ve got five minutes to get the five of you out here before people start thinking I was right after all,” he told them cheerfully, disappearing before Jason had time to throw any biting comments his way.
As the door closed behind Justin, Mark and Grace began to brush themselves down, checking their hair and outfits for each other, whilst Howard wandered over to where Gary and Jason were sitting.
“Everyone ready?” he enquired, offering Jason a hand which he took with a smile as he stood from his seat.
“Almost. There’s just one small detail left to clear up, though,” he remarked. Mark and Grace had come over to join them now and Gary suddenly became acutely aware of everyone’s eyes on him. He stood nervously.
“What did I do?” he asked warily, and Jason chuckled.
“Nothing yet – but we do have one small favour to ask you,” he explained, arching an eyebrow as if to make sure Gary was willing to blindly agree. Gary simply shrugged.
“Anything. Pretty sure I owe you something at this point.”
“It’s funny, but in all the rush to get everything done…I sort of forgot to find a pianist,” Mark put in then, he and Jason looking at each other knowingly before glancing back to Gary. “I remembered to get the right sheet music though…think you could take a look for us?”
“Wait; you can’t seriously mean you left all this ‘til now on the off-chance I’d change my mind?” Gary stammered. Howard grinned mischievously.
“Technically no – Mark can play piano too,” he pointed out. Grace smothered a giggle and Jason elbowed him lightly, though his eyes danced with laughter. Mark simply ignored them all, dashing across the room to where he’d abandoned his satchel, pulling out some sheet music from it before crossing back to re-join them, holding the pages out to Gary.
“Could It Be Magic,” Gary read, his eyes skimming the notes. He looked back up at Jason with a smile. “Tell you what – just this once, and only coz it’s you – I’ll happily play,” he said. Jason laughed.
“Sure. But only coz it’s us,” he remarked dryly. “Now come on – before we’re the ones who are late and my brother never lets me live it down for the rest of eternity.”
***
Sunlight came into the room through the French windows that lined the back wall, catching on the rings around Grace’s neck as she stood beside her dad. She caught Jason’s eye as he quietly stepped around her to stand opposite them and he flashed her a quick wink that made her smile. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Mark and Gary standing side by side, just to the left, waiting for their cue before Gary slipped over to the grand piano in the corner. As the celebrant began to address the people before him, Jason and Howard stood close, eyes intent upon each other now. Jason arched an eyebrow.
“All in?” he asked softly. Howard’s lips quirked up at the corner.
“All in,” he replied. Grace smiled and looked down, playing with the rings idly as the celebrant turned his attention back to her Jason and her dad and began to speak in a more serious, measured tone.
***
Once the vows had been made and the celebrant had smiled winningly at Jason and Howard before suggesting a kiss, Gary quickly took a step back, Mark following him instinctively, though he couldn’t resist a look back over his shoulder as Howard playfully tugged on Jason’s hand, making him laugh even as he was pulled into a deep kiss.
Gary sat down at the white grand piano and took a moment to appreciate the thing of beauty she was. Mark turned back to him and caught him running his fingers wistfully across the keys and he let out a soft laugh at the sight.
“Concentrate, Barlow – Jay and Howard are the only ones allowed to swoon today,” he teased. Gary rolled his eyes fondly and held out a hand.
“The music?” he asked, and Mark quickly obliged, handing over the sheet music and moving to stand where he could turn the pages.
With every note Gary played a new vibration was sent through Mark’s body, rushing through his bones as if each key was somehow attached to him by strings. He couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across his face – love and pride towards Gary overpowering him at the same time as a rush of happiness for his friends overcame him. As Gary’s smooth, crisp voice began to sing, Mark just managed to tear his gaze away from him in order to look back across at where Jason and Howard were finishing making the necessary signatures, Howard whispering something to Jason that made him laugh and shove him lightly. Grace appeared at Howard’s shoulder then, climbing onto his lap and wrapping her arms around his neck, her expression openly giddy and not even wavering when Howard leant across to give Jason’s lips a quick kiss. The chain around her neck held only her own ring now and it glittered in the light as the photographer captured the moment; Howard and Jason’s lips pressed together, Grace smiling up at them both, her head resting on her dad’s shoulder. Mark drew in a deep breath and bent to kiss Gary’s temple.
“It’s so nice when everything is exactly how it should be, don’t you think?” he sighed happily. Gary didn’t stop his playing, but Mark saw him smile.
***
“Ok dad, you’re really going to have to give me back to Howard now.” Jason was laughing as his father hugged him, looking down at him with a faintly bemused smile.
“I’m just happy to be here,” Tony Orange replied, patting Jason on the back, and Jason’s expression softened slightly as he inclined his head.
“Well I’m glad you’re happy – but you’re still going to have to let Howard have me back at some point, because he’s got a legally binding contract at this point and things could get ugly, you know?” he joked, his tone gentle. From where he was standing, just back from the hugging father and son, Howard smiled fondly and Jason caught his look, his expression knowing and playful all at once. Tony let out a slow chuckle.
“Ok, ok. I can take a hint – even when I’ve had far too much wine, I can take a hint,” he smiled wryly, stepping aside and letting Howard slip back into place on Jason’s other side. “I’ll leave you be and go and hassle one of your brothers instead,” he added, waving vaguely as he made his way off towards the other side of the room.
Howard snaked a hand around Jason’s waist, pressing a kiss to his neck.
“You know, Jay, that was very touching and significant and all, but I’m still very glad he’s finally buggered off,” he remarked against Jason’s skin, and Jason swotted at him playfully even as he laughed.
“You’re incorrigible,” he told him dryly and Howard looked up into his eyes, waggling his eyebrows.
“And yet you married me anyway,” he pointed out. Jason rolled his eyes.
“I’m going to be hearing that phrase a lot over the course of my life aren’t I,” he sighed, his expression amused even as he rolled his eyes. “You’re so lucky I love you.” Howard grinned.
“Now that I can agree with,” he said softly, kissing Jason’s nose. Jason looked up at him with bright blue eyes that saw all the things he didn’t say and returned them in kind and Howard pulled him even closer against his body. “I love you too,” he added in a murmur.
The two of them stood together for a minute, wordless and content, watching the scene in front of them. The tables had been moved aside to allow space for people to mingle, chat and dance, and random strings of their closest friends and relatives criss-crossed the space. Grace was dancing with Jason’s mum, her ring still swinging from her necklace and her smile unstoppable as she and Jenny Orange talked and swayed, Grace occasionally bouncing up excitedly, making Jenny laugh. If Jason had to guess, he would say she was relaying hers and Mark’s creative scheme with the sound system and its mysteriously missing microphones when both his and Howard’s brothers had attempted to move to the speeches portion of the evening. “What happened to Mark and Gaz?” Howard’s voice broke into Jason’s thoughts and Jason couldn’t help but smirk slightly.
“I think I might know,” he replied, taking Howard by the hand and leading him away. Howard let himself be led, following Jason back out into the corridor and back towards the room in which the earlier ceremony had taken place. As they came to the door, Jason signalled to him to keep quiet before carefully opening the double doors at the back just wide enough for the two of them to peek inside. Howard bit back a chuckle.
Inside the room, Gary was spinning Mark around as he laughed, before setting him down beside the white grand piano in the corner, staring at it fondly for a moment even as he clasped Mark’s hand in his own.
“Which one of them is he more in love with?” Howard whispered jokingly and Jason smothered a laugh, smacking Howard lightly on the chest. The two of them watched silently as Gary led Mark over to the piano stool, leaning in to tell him something as he motioned for him to sit before sitting down beside him. “What song is he going to play?” Howard asked and Jason narrowed his eyes in thought before slowly glancing back over his shoulder at Howard and taking his hand once more.
“What do you say we go find out?” he suggested, before turning back and carefully opening the doors.
Gary looked up at the sound and smiled when he saw Jason and Howard arriving, nodding his head in greeting at the same time Mark turned around to shoot them both a grin.
“You two are just in time,” he told them. “Gaz has got a song for you. Some old lyrics of yours, paired with an old idea of mine – and new piano part of his.” Jason glanced from Mark to Gary, who simply smiled and turned back to the piano.
“Allow me,” he said calmly as he began to play.
Mark smiled as Howard and Jason danced their first dance – without ceremony or much audience – to the sound of Gary’s cut-crystal voice. He suspected that they preferred to keep this moment quiet and private and he could tell how honoured Gary was when he glanced up to see that Jason had looped his arms around Howard’s neck and initiated the moment, how touched he was that the song he had hoped to play for them today had turned out to be one that would stay with them for the rest of their lives, another memory for the growing collection between the four of them. “Give me your hurt if you're feeling pain, tell me your secrets I keep them safe...” Gary looked down at the keys for a moment as Howard drew Jason closer. “Give me your love mixed up with sin, every part of everything…” He could see Jason letting himself be drawn into the kiss out of the corner of his eye, but he kept his head down, only looking up briefly to exchange knowing smiles with Mark. “It's you, oh yeah.”
As the song came to the end with a quiet twinkling of piano keys, Mark leant in close, leaning across to press a kiss to Gary’s cheek. And Gary momentarily forgot himself – the sound of his hands carelessly smashing against a random assortment of piano keys made Jason and Howard break apart from their embrace, turning to look at Gary and Mark with unconcealed laughter. The two of them exchanged an amused, yet knowing, look before moving across to the piano, where Mark was beaming innocently and Gary was looking at him with narrowed eyes and a barely-smothered smile.
“Everything alright over here?” Jason enquired lightly, letting Howard wrap his arms around him from behind as he looked from Mark to Gary and back again with amusement.
“Oh, like you two are so innocent,” Gary dismissed, pulling a face, and Jason laughed.
“I think you’ll find we’ve got a good excuse,” he replied calmly, and Gary couldn’t help but cast his eyes down to where Jason’s hands rested on the edge of the piano, a flash of silver now gracing his ring finger – he looked across then at the matching ring which was also clearly visible on Howard’s hand where it was clasped around Jason’s middle. He smiled wryly and sighed.
“I suppose I might have to concede that point,” he admitted and Jason nodded.
“Yeah, just maybe.” For a moment his eyes flicked between Mark and Gary before he suddenly straightened a little, his movement forcing Howard to reluctantly release him from his grasp. Howard, Mark and Gary watched, intrigued, as Jason began to rummage in the inside pocket of his jacket, eventually producing a post-it pad and pen. Mark and Gary frowned in confusion, but Howard smiled, laughing softly and pressing a kiss to Jason’s temple as he watched him write out four post-its: ‘Sing’, ‘Listen’, ‘Come with me’ and a final, longer one that Gary couldn’t see clearly. Jason pocketed the post-it pad and pen and swiftly placed the first two post-its on the piano keys, his smile knowing as he ignored Gary and Mark’s confused expressions. ‘Sing’ he placed in front of Gary, ‘Listen’ in front of Mark, and, with them distracted, he took the last post-it and stuck it to the front of the grand piano before turning to face Howard, sticking the ‘Come with me’ post-it to his chest playfully before offering his hand. Howard grinned down at him, taking the offered hand happily and letting Jason tug him silently from the room.
Back at the piano, Gary looked thoughtfully down at the post-it before him.
“I do have another song,” he murmured after a moment. He picked up his post-it now and played with the corner of it self-consciously, not looking at Mark as he spoke. Next to him, Mark slowly picked up his post-it too, bumping his shoulder against Gary’s and tipping his head in a gesture that brought his gaze back up to his face.
“Well…I’m here to listen,” he shrugged, waving his own post-it slightly and making Gary laugh. “Play it,” Mark implored him gently. Gary nodded slowly, turning back to the piano and laying his hands carefully on the keys. And that was when he saw it; the last post-it. He and Mark exchanged a glance before Mark leant forward and plucked it from the piano, reading it to himself with a smile before showing Gary what it said: ‘Look around you. Find paradise. I mean it; trust me on this.’ Gary chuckled softly and nodded.
“Ok then,” he murmured slowly, taking a deep breath. “In that case, Mark Owen, this song is called Nobody Else.”
Jason had never said anything – Howard simply found a post-it in his jacket pocket as he was on his way out one day; it had read ‘Chin up, Mister DJ’ and had left Howard grinning near-constantly ‘til his head finally hit the pillow that night. Since then, post-it notes were left for him everywhere – sometimes with relevant information about where to find the leftovers from dinner or when he had to pick up Grace from her sleepovers, other times with teases and nonsense – and pretty soon their entire relationship was spelled out in little pink and yellow squares that showed up without warning all over their apartment. There were post-its on his clothes; ‘Wear this; last night’s shirt in wash – miss you smelling like home’. There were often post-its on the bathroom mirror; ‘Shave soon, I don’t want to share my bed with a yeti’ or a simple ‘Morning, Love’. There were always post-its in the kitchen; ‘Made you a curry for lunch, don’t drive to Liverpool on an empty stomach’. Howard had even woken up to post-its on Jason’s freshly plumped pillow; ‘Miss you’ and ‘Mwah’. His favourite post-it had been pressed to his chest one night; ‘I love you’. He’d saved that one.
Of course, Howard still couldn’t help but enjoy that feeling when he actually laid eyes on his boyfriend, when he finally made it to bed in the small hours and found him there; he loved to watch the soft rise and fall of his chest and the way his dark lashes flickered slightly against his skin, as if he realised Howard was there. He appreciated the rustle of the duvet when Jason moved towards him in his sleep, the mumbled sounds of greeting let out without Jason really waking up – he liked that way Jason was just as preoccupied with touch on a subconscious level as he was when he was awake, always edging closer, always reacting to Howard’s presence even in his sleep. The connectedness it made him feel provided a welcome contrast to the loneliness of his car journeys back and forth. But he still craved Jason’s voice – would call him up just to hear him laugh sometimes, would do anything he could to snatch back a little extra time in his company. That was how he ended up turning his car around and heading in the opposite direction down the motorway that night, regardless of the fact he was nearer to his destination than he was to Manchester.
The call had come when he was just a little way outside the city; the club he had been booked at had been forced to close for the night over some last minute drama that he hadn’t listened to the details of, already too busy working out the best route home in his head to mind what the hassled woman on the end of the line was telling him. He’d been sat in a service station at the time, miserably picking at a sandwich and wishing he’d had time to grab some dinner with Jason before setting off – the monthly Barlow’s staff meeting was being held after work, however, and Gary and Jason were locked in a battle of wills over how best to reorganise the records (although, as Howard understood it, Gary’s policy was to not reorganise them at all.) But Jason would be home by the time he got back, and the moment the word ‘cancelled’ had left the woman’s mouth, Howard had been overtaken by the urge to be home too.
Home. Now there was a strange word. He’d lived his whole life using it, thinking he understood what it meant, understood what there was to be appreciated about it but also understood its limitations. Then Jason had happened. And suddenly home was less of a general, ordinary concept. It was a hundred little details and sounds; looks and sighs and arguments, the gentle pressure of a body against his own, the sound of his own name said a hundred different ways. Home was not needing to be anything for anyone else for a while – just himself, not matter how daft or grumpy that person was, he didn’t need to pretend or try, safe in the knowledge he wouldn’t be judged for it, though perhaps lightly baited or teased. The relief of it – the comfort of it – was something he could feel to his bones, an ache of tired contentedness washing over all the places where previously a tightness and tension had been. What little energy and focus he had left he put entirely into the drive home, determined not to stop until he got there. Home. He turned the word over and over in his head to pass the time.
He’d been in such a rush to get back, he forgot to mention his return to Jason, not pausing to so much as text him a warning, never mind make a call to him, before he half-fell into their apartment that night.
As the door closed behind Howard, he came to an immediate halt, his eyes meeting almost instantly with his boyfriend’s startled blue gaze. For a moment the two of them stood across from each other, Jason’s expression caught between surprise and amusement as they stared at each other, a small, confused frown crossing his features even as a wry smile tugged at the corners of his lips. He was standing adrift between the breakfast bar and the sofa, perfectly rumpled in his loose t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms, a tub of ice-cream and a spoon in his hand, and Howard looked him up and down with a lopsided smirk that Jason seemed to read immediately, suddenly collecting himself and arching an eyebrow knowingly.
“Last time I spoke to you, you were exhausted and off out,” he reminded Howard, smirking fondly, turning to set the ice-cream and spoon down on the breakfast bar before facing Howard once more. His look was still amused but enquiring, and Howard grinned back at him with a shrug.
“Change of plans,” he replied, trying to sound casual but aware that he couldn’t fool Jason, who nodded slowly, leaning back against the breakfast bar and folding his arms.
“I can see that,” he said steadily, his tone even but his lips curving up in fond amusement, making Howard chuckle. “So, Howard Donald, what exactly brings you home so soon?” Jason’s eyes twinkled with mischief as he pushed himself up off the breakfast bar and crossed the distance between them – his gaze was fixed on Howard’s as he came to stand in front of him, and Howard smiled back at him before finally reaching out and cupping Jason’s face with his hand, dipping his head and pulling him into a kiss. He could feel Jason smiling against his mouth, felt the vibration of his laugh as he slowly let Howard win. Jason’s arms wound around Howard’s neck and when the two of them finally drew back Howard rested his hands on his hips, his thumb brushing the flash of exposed skin where Jason’s shirt had ridden up in their embrace. “Hello you,” Jason murmured as Howard leant their foreheads together, and Howard let out a soft laugh, kissing Jason’s nose.
“Hi,” he whispered back, enjoying the sensation of the pressure of Jason’s body against his own and unable to do anything but grin as Jason’s eyes sparkled up at him, all delighted, mischievous energy in the dim glow of their apartment at night. It was just a moment, but Howard felt like he’d been craving it for days; he could feel a new calmness sinking into his skin, restoring the energy lost over the course of a month of crazy schedules and conversations snatched out of chaos. The stillness was blissful and Jason seemed to sense it too, making no move to push back from Howard’s embrace. “You have no idea how good it feels to be home,” Howard said quietly, reaching a hand up to Jason’s cheek, his thumb grazing it idly. Jason laughed – a soft, warm sound that made Howard smile.
“I think I’ve got a fair idea,” he told him gently, pressing a lingering kiss against Howard’s lips before finally, slowly, stepping out of Howard’s arms. “Come on – you’re in time for a really bad movie.” He went and collected his ice-cream before coming back and holding out a hand to Howard, carefully leading him over towards the sofa. “And you know, if you sit close enough to me, I might even share the ice-cream,” he added with a smile.
Howard could only chuckle and let himself be led, amused and comforted in equal measure by their easy return to domesticity. Jason looked at him over his shoulder, flashing him a quick wink before releasing his hand and settling down on the sofa, and Howard quickly cast aside his jacket and crashed down against the cushions, slinging an arm along the back of the sofa and grinning as Jason instinctively curled into his side, his eyes on the TV but his smile knowing. He kissed Jason’s temple and the two fell back into their well-worn routines – Howard making arch comments in Jason’s ear as the movie played out, occasionally stealing kisses and making Jason laugh or elbow him in the ribs, sometimes shooting back dry remarks of his own, looking up at Howard from the corner of his eye. It was simple. It was what Howard had missed. Eventually Jason fell asleep on the sofa, tucked against Howard’s side, and Howard had let him sleep for a while before eventually attempting to untangle their limbs sufficiently to carry Jason to bed. Jason stirred in his arms, briefly, but didn’t wake, and Howard pressed a kiss to his forehead before lifting him up and making his way down the corridor towards their room.
As Howard laid him down on their bed, Jason let out a soft whimper in his sleep, and Howard sat down on the edge of the bed for a moment, smiling when Jason looked up at him sleepily. “What time is it?” he asked, his eyes only half-open.
“Late,” Howard told him with a grin. Jason smiled, closing his eyes again and nodding.
“Then hurry up and come to bed, you daft beggar,” he returned, making Howard chuckle.
“Careful who you’re calling a daft beggar, Orange,” he told him. Jason didn’t reply but Howard caught the smirk on his lips and he grinned to himself before quickly getting up to get ready for bed. When he finally climbed in beside Jason, he assumed he was asleep already, but was pleasantly surprised when he turned over towards him immediately, winding an arm around his waist and wordlessly pressing a kiss to the crook of his neck. Howard closed his eyes and enjoyed the feeling of Jason’s body curving around him, again turning over the word ‘home’ in his head.
Jason’s presence in his life had changed so many things; little things just as much as the bigger ones. But most importantly he’d changed Howard – not in who he was fundamentally, Howard knew Jason would never want to try to do that. But he had changed the constant unrest that used to lie just beneath his skin, taken away that strange feeling of disquiet that had always made him feel like he needed to keep moving, ceaselessly, and somehow be more than what he was. With Jason he suddenly felt he was enough, that his life was enough – Jason had given him a reason to stop chasing some phantom trace of magic by giving him magic right where he stood. Suddenly being in one place all the time, following well-worn patterns and wasting a day or two here and there didn’t seem so boring to him after all. He still enjoyed his work immensely, still enjoyed the travelling and the movement and the change of scene – but he didn’t see it as everything any more. It had finally occurred to him that homes weren’t just the pauses in between living, sometimes the living was in the quiet moments only home could provide. Like being beside Jason, feeling his skin against his own and listening as his breathing evened out into sleep. It was a sort of certainty that used to be foreign to him, a comfort inside his own skin that was borne out of no longer being afraid he wasn’t fully living his life. He could be still and feel more alive than he’d ever felt before, as long as Jason was there. There was a loose promise in it, he knew. An understanding that they were offering each other something that had a certain permanence, that meant more than simple companionship and even more than just romance. It was something that was new to Howard; he had never seen much point in making promises in the past – certainly not out loud. He’d always supposed that if there was any real substance to a relationship then the continuity would go unsaid. But with Jason somehow it was different; the promises were there but Howard longed to say them, to tell them to Jason every day and tell them to other people, giving them the kind of substance that could make them become as strong and significant as they felt in his heart. He knew it didn’t need to be said, knew that Jason knew that they were both more sure of each other than they had been of anyone else before. But Howard found that he wanted other people to know it, wanted to hear the way the promises sounded when Jason gave voice to them and to see the shine of his eyes when those same promises were repeated back. For the first time in his life, he wanted to make a commitment that didn’t go unsaid.
***
Howard woke the next morning smiling and sure – he padded into the kitchen a little after nine o’clock still with a light grin on his lips, something the sight of Jason busy cooking in the morning sunlight did nothing to stop.
“Full English? Is that even allowed under the Jason Orange Health Code?” he teased, pulling himself up to sit at the breakfast bar and watch Jason move quickly and efficiently around the kitchen. Pausing briefly in what he was doing, Jason turned to look at him over his shoulder. He shot him a withering look but there was an affectionate glint in his eyes that gave him away and Howard chuckled cheekily.
“I might like to eat healthy but I’m also only human, you know. Besides, both of us missed out on dinner last night – but you’re welcome to cook your own breakfast if you’re worried my Full English isn’t healthy enough for you.” Jason arched an eyebrow and Howard flashed him a grin and wink.
“Pretty sure you know I’m never going to refuse an offer of one of your breakfasts, love,” he said, resting his chin on his hand. “But I think you also know I can’t resist winding you up before the day’s even started,” he added. Jason twisted around to face him properly, smothering a smile and narrowing his eyes at Howard.
“You’re a terrible person, Donald,” he told him before turning back to plate up the breakfast. As he turned and came over to set the plate down in front of Howard he was smiling, eyes bright as he pulled a face at him. “Now shut up and eat up. I won the coin toss at the Barlow’s staff meeting last night, which means today we’re reorganising the records.” He leant on the breakfast bar opposite Howard, bringing his face teasingly close but keeping enough distance to prevent Howard closing it with a kiss. “Besides, we have to pick up your daughter on the way – since she’s about as good at timekeeping as her dad, I figured we should probably try and get there early to chivvy her along.”
“Well then, your wish? My command,” Howard said, leaning forwards ever so slightly. Jason smirked and mirrored the gesture, bringing his lips even closer to Howard’s.
“Your breakfast? Going cold.” he whispered – teasingly close for a second until he quickly pushed himself away from the breakfast bar before Howard could steal the kiss. Howard chuckled slightly, shaking his head.
“You’re a bad man, Jason Orange,” he told him, and Jason smiled fondly back at him, relenting slightly and leaning back against the breakfast bar to give Howard the kiss that had been eluding him.
“Now eat,” he warned, leaning back again and smothering a smile as Howard made a grab for his hand, pulling him around the breakfast bar and tugging him closer.
“It’s not my fault that you. Are just. So. Beautiful,” Howard murmured, interspersing his words with kisses that he pressed along Jason’s neck and jaw-line. Jason’s eyes shone as Howard pressed one final kiss to his lips, slowly deepening it and sliding his hand up the back of his shirt to flatten his palm against his back. Howard felt Jason’s arm winding around the back of his neck and he smiled into the kiss before finally leaning back and oh-so-casually picking up his fork and tucking into his breakfast.
“Mm,” Jason whimpered softly as their lips parted and he stood for a moment, watching Howard with narrowed eyes, his arm still resting loosely across Howard’s back. Howard smirked playfully up at him out of the corner of his eye and his boyfriend pouted, blue eyes annoyed and amused as he regarded him thoughtfully. “Now who’s the bad man?” he muttered, smacking Howard lightly on the arm before turning away and heading over to the kitchen counter to make a start on the dishes. Howard simply chuckled, shrugging idly.
“I bet you wish you’d had a different wish now don’t you,” he said, grinning unashamedly when Jason shot him a withering look over his shoulder.
“Eat before I hurt you,” Jason warned him with a smile.
***
Mark stood in the middle of the flat, his hands on hips and his round face scrunched in mild confusion. Gary Barlow’s flat was not very different to Gary Barlow’s shop, he found: stacks of songbooks filled tables, mugs balanced on top of them, and the smart and relatively modern furniture looked somehow out of place next to the boxes of old records and parts of pianos. Old books, trinkets and knick-knacks adorned almost every surface, making the lounge a cross between a second-hand book shop and a car boot sale. Of course, in Gary’s defence, it wasn’t always quite so haphazard and untidy, but every now and again Gary’s attention would lapse and he’d get lost to his song-writing and it didn’t take long for things to get out of hand. Today, a guitar had been allowed use of the armchair and a keyboard had usurped the TV at the head of the room and various boxes and stacks of papers had been moved around to allow the instruments more space. With a sigh Mark concluded that – even if his hat was here – he wouldn’t be able to spot it amidst the chaos, so he turned on his heel sharply and headed off down the corridor.
“Gaz, you seen my hat?” he called hopefully as he went, sticking his head in through the bedroom door. His question was met with an indecipherable mumble from Gary, who was sitting on the bed, rubbing at his eyes and stifling a yawn. Gary wasn’t that great with mornings; he wasn’t quite at Howard Donald’s level of duvet-hogging, but – Mark had come to realise since moving in with him – there would be none of the usual Barlow patter before he’d had his morning tea. In fact, after tea and breakfast, he could actually almost pass for a morning person – however, they were still in the pre-tea phase, so Mark simply chuckled to himself, knowing he’d get no sense out of him, before making his way back out of the bedroom and heading for the spare room.
Gary’s spare room wasn’t really a spare room; the sparsely-furnished room was a more of a music room that could occasionally double as a home studio or even a band rehearsal space. In the corner stood some bulky, dated-looking recording equipment and there was a small piano on the other side, a cluster of instruments, microphone stands and old stereo equipment gathered around it, whilst over by the back wall sat a sound desk of sorts, a tatty old wheelie chair pushed under it and shelves full of homemade CDs and cassettes lining the wall above. A small, old sofa was the only other furniture, though currently it was playing home to Mark’s guitar collection, whilst a few stray boxes of Mark’s clothes also littered the floor, waiting to be properly sorted through. It wasn’t the tidiest of existences but it suited Mark just fine; he found a certain homeliness to the chaos, liked the way that everything felt just a little lived in and worn. Glancing around the room one final time he spotted the hat in question, sitting on top of the piano along with yesterday’s t-shirt, and suddenly it occurred to him exactly why his hat had been misplaced.
“C’mere gorgeous, you ready yet?” Gary asked, husky-voiced, as he appeared behind Mark, wrapping his arms around the smaller man’s waist and kissing his cheek. Mark tilted his head slightly to flash him a smile.
“Just about. I remembered where I left my hat now too,” he smiled with amusement, nodding towards the piano. Laughter gleamed in Gary’s blue eyes and he pressed a kiss to Mark’s shoulder.
“I think you mean where I left your hat actually,” he mumbled into Mark’s shirt before disentangling himself and moving off down the corridor. “Just a quick brew and we’ll get off. Jay got his way last night so it’s all hands on deck for the big re-organisation of the records. And the songbooks too if he can get away with it,” Gary cast back over his shoulder, letting out another yawn. Mark shook his head with a grin, quickly collecting his hat before hurrying after Gary, a sudden spring in his step.
“Well I don’t mind helping out when I’m done at the caff. A day together in the shop sounds fun; we’ll call it a band meeting,” he declared happily as he came into the kitchen. Gary looked at him sceptically, though there was a quiet gleam in his eyes.
“Must you always be so optimistic, Marko?” he sighed, and Mark simply shrugged.
“I have to be. If I don’t think positive I go crazy,” he replied.
***
Somehow managing to open the shop door with Mark still wrapped in his arms, Gary tumbled across the threshold, laughing as Mark twisted in his embrace. He spun the two of them round awkwardly, just managing to shut the door behind them as Mark deepened their kiss. He was sure he was partially tangled in Mark’s scarf by this point, but as he felt Mark laughing against him he decided he didn’t care, walking to the two of them further into the shop. The moment was, however, interrupted suddenly by the sound of someone pointedly clearing their throat and Gary immediately stilled, slowly letting his grip on Mark loosen and looking over his shoulder at where Howard, Jason and Grace were all sat on the shop’s steps watching them. Howard and Jason looked amused, whilst Grace looked like she’d had quite enough of this sort of display from her dad and Jason and wasn’t impressed to see Mark and Gary joining in. Gary felt his cheeks turning an unflattering shade of red at Jason’s amused gaze, and he stepped awkwardly out of his embrace with Mark, who, for his part, simply chuckled, as unfazed as ever.
“Is that what they call the honeymoon phase?” Howard asked no-one in particular and Jason smothered a laugh, smacking him half-heartedly on the arm. He was leaning slightly against Howard, the two of them sitting as close as was possible without one of them being on the other’s lap, and it occurred dimly to Gary that neither one had any room to mock him and Mark really, though for some reason he didn’t give the thought voice.
“I can’t believe I just had to watch that,” Grace remarked, her chin resting on her hand and a mixture of boredom and unease on her face. “I can’t believe how often I have to watch that,” she corrected idly and Jason smirked.
“You’ve seen worse,” he pointed out, and Gary shot them a curious look, making Jason laugh. “Not mine and Howard’s fault, actually. Her best friend’s big brother. And it wasn’t as awful as you’re imagining,” he explained, though Grace’s face was twisted in disgust.
“No. It was every bit as awful. I’ve known him since I was three…it was weird and gross.” Then she looked up at Jason and Howard sceptically. “It’s still worse when it’s my own dad though,” she said and Howard chuckled.
“Well that’s you told,” Jason remarked.
“The way I see it it’s all your fault anyway,” Howard shot back and Jason nodded sceptically.
“Sure. Keep telling yourself that, love,” he nodded, taking a sip of his tea in an attempt to hide his amused smile. Howard elbowed him lightly and the two exchanged a knowing glance, matching grins on their lips.
“Urgh,” Grace sighed, shaking her head huffily, though there was a slight curve upwards at the corner of her lips that Gary couldn’t help but notice.
“You know, I was under the impression we were here to work, not mock each other,” he said, folding his arms, and Jason and Howard looked over at him then, trying to smother their amusement and failing. “Haven’t you got records to be sorting?” Gary asked them, and at his side Mark let out a chuckle.
“You want to watch out, Jay. He’s in full Captain mode today,” he warned lightly and Jason smiled, his eyes dancing even as he inclined his head in a gesture of defeat.
“Ok. C’mon, Gracie – let’s make a start. And your dad can make us all some more tea,” he suggested, getting to his feet and handing his empty mug over to Howard, who pulled a face.
“What did your last slave die of?” he questioned good-naturedly, also standing up and contradicting his words by pressing a brief, chaste kiss to Jason’s lips, flashing him a wink before making his way down the stairs and heading for the kitchenette, whistling to himself cheerfully.
“Ok, well – I’m off to the caff for now, but I’ll come over and help later, ok?” Mark smiled, clapping his hands together and glancing up at Gary briefly before raising up onto his tiptoes to give his cheek a peck.
“Oh, it’s alright for you – leaving me here alone with the trio of judgement,” he replied dryly.
“Shut up, Barlow, you know you love us,” Jason grinned as he headed up the stairs with a smirking Grace in tow. “See you later, Markie,” he added, and Mark gave him a quick salute before turning back to look at Gary.
“You’ll be fine and you know it. Just remind Grace who’s teaching her how to play piano and she’ll probably be on your side before long,” he pointed out and Gary chuckled. Mark nodded, satisfied that Gary’s spirits were lifted, and turned on his heel, heading for the door.
“Love you,” he called back over his shoulder and Gary smiled.
“Love you too,” he replied.
As the shop door swung closed behind Mark, Gary sighed and took an appraising look around the shop. Having Mark in his flat meant it was becoming increasingly odd not to find him around every corner. It was slightly jarring every time he left the room, somehow disorientating to him even when Mark was only going to be gone for an hour or so. He craved his company, was always desperate to know what crazy comment he might make in any given situation, or what daft-but-sweet thing he might come out with next. But he supposed he’d just have to deal with it – after all, Jason had gone for almost a month without being able to speak more than two words to Howard and yet he’d avoided moping. Gary would have to ask him his secret, he supposed.
Upstairs, Jason and Grace were sorting records into stacks and flicking through the boxes of new records that hadn’t yet been put out for sale, shuffling through them and adding them to the growing stacks whilst bantering easily back and forth. Howard and been and gone with Jason’s tea, leaving the two of them to get on with the work whilst he kept Gary company running the shop downstairs. Grace didn’t really mind; as much as she complained about Jason and her dad, she never really meant much of it. The truth was she adored Jason every bit as much as her dad did: he was one of those rare adults who talked to her as an equal and always made sure she was included, not letting her get forgotten about just because he wanted to spend time with her dad. Even before her dad and Jason had moved in together, there had always been something slightly different about her relationship with Jason than that which she’d had with anyone her dad had dated before – she spent more time with the two of them than she had in the past, and often it wasn’t because plans had changed but because Jason had been happy to include her. Jason knew the names of her friends and who her favourite teachers were, he teased her the same way her dad did and always knew how to make her laugh – it was comfortable and she knew how lucky she was. Her best friend Izzy wouldn’t let her forget it, always telling her stories of her own parents’ dating choices and shuddering theatrically. It was something she’d kept in mind when her dad had had a hushed conversation with her that morning before the two of them climbed into the car with Jason; her dad had always asked her before he made any big decisions in his life that would affect her, the two of them had always been a team since she was tiny – she was close to her dad and she often wished she could spend more time with him, missing his company immensely during the week, even if he was always just a phone call away. Perhaps it was that closeness that had meant she’d almost anticipated what her dad was going to ask her before she asked it, or perhaps it was something about Jason and the way she had seen he and her dad be with each other in the time since they’d first met. Either way there hadn’t been a moment’s hesitation – no uneasiness in her mind – when her dad asked what she thought he should do. In fact, it was the opposite: she had begged him to let her somehow help, longing to be a part of something so important and exciting, something that would give her a whole new way of viewing her family.
And of course, her dad had been as accommodating as he always was when Grace begged him to be let in on a mission: he’d given her a job to do with a laugh and a wink and Grace had insisted she would come through for him before the day was even over. Of course, as determined as she was, she knew she had to be creative. Jason was sharp and he could almost always tell when she or her dad were up to something – she needed to get information out of him, but she had to sound like she was asking for some specific purpose so that she could explain it away if he pressed.
After a while an easy silence fell between the two of them, and Grace used the time by subtly watching Jason out of the corner of her eye. His brow was creased ever so slightly as he frowned down at the record in his hands and then glanced at the growing stacks around him with narrowed eyes. Deciding that having him at least partially distracted could only help her cause, she set down the record she was holding and pulled her knees up to her chest, resting her chin on them and drawing in a breath. She supposed she should find this whole situation weird; sometimes she found it hard to explain when her friends questioned her over just how much her dad allowed her to know and just how invested she had become in his and Jason’s relationship as a result. But she was so used to it that she found she didn’t care how unusual it might seem to others; it worked and it made both her and her dad happy, made things seem easier between them than things ever seemed to be between her friends and their parents.
“Did dad tell you why I didn’t come over last weekend?” she asked suddenly, and Jason looked up.
“Your aunt’s wedding?” he asked, quirking an eyebrow, and Grace smiled, nodding. Not much got past Jason, after all.
“Yeah. My mum and me went together – she said I needed to act as a distraction so people wouldn’t ask her where her stupid boyfriend was. He didn’t want to come – mum wouldn’t tell me why but I know she wasn’t happy about it.” Grace pulled a face and Jason laughed.
“Yeah. She said as much to me on the phone the other day. You don’t seem too impressed either, kiddo,” he pointed out and Grace smiled lopsidedly back at him, shrugging.
“Only because she’s annoyed about it. I don’t like him anyway so I was glad he didn’t go.” Jason laughed and Grace wrinkled her nose. “Mum likes him though. A lot. I think she keeps expecting him to ask her to marry him. It winds her up every time she thinks he’s going to and then it turns out differently,” she explained with thinly veiled contempt and Jason nodded knowingly.
“I’m guessing you feel differently about it, judging by the look on your face,” he pointed out gently, looking up from what he was doing to flash Grace an understanding smile.
“Well I don’t want her to marry him, so it’s fine by me,” she shrugged and Jason laughed.
“You really don’t like the guy, do you,” he said and Grace sighed, shrugging.
“Well he’s stupid. And dad’s spoiled me by dating you,” she replied dismissively. Jason’s eyes twinkled, and he quickly looked away. “You’re not stupid. You’re fun. And you actually talk to me and stuff.” Grace bit her lip and looked down, suddenly shy. “You and dad are funny and you actually make each other laugh and stuff instead of complaining about each other all the time. I think that’s what mum doesn’t get when she tells me off for not giving him as much of a chance as I give you.” She risked a glance back up. Jason was still looking at the records he was sorting, but she could tell from the expression on his face that he was listening no less intently. “For the record, dad could marry you and I wouldn’t mind. I think I’d kind of like it, actually,” she said thoughtfully at last. Jason smiled then, looking over at her and finally setting down the record he was holding, leaning back on his hands to study her face.
“Ok. Well, that’s good to know,” he said slowly. “And how long exactly have you been waiting to reveal that bit of information?” Grace grinned mischievously, recognising the playful smile on Jason’s face and finding herself reassured that he wasn’t too suspicious.
“I don’t know. Since I decided you were cool?” she suggested.
“Ah, so I’m cool am I – are you sure about that?” Jason laughed, arching an eyebrow at her, and Grace beamed back at him confidently.
“Yeah. But don’t tell dad because I’ll never live it down,” she told him.
“Deal,” he chuckled, sitting up straighter and returning to the task at hand.
Grace let him carry on in silence for a moment, trying to let it seem as though she was merely idly wondering instead of deliberately pushing the conversation forwards. She traced patterns on the records in front of her and tried to bite back her smile. The sound of Gary and her dad’s voices drifted up the stairs and an easy peace fell upon the shop. Finally Grace sat back, regarding Jason carefully.
“What if my dad did ask you to marry him?” she asked. “What would you say?” Jason paused and looked over at her, a perplexed smile on his lips.
“Is this something you go round asking people a lot, kiddo?” he laughed softly, and Grace shrugged casually, looking down.
“No. But I told you; I wouldn’t mind. And I think if dad ever did marry anyone he’d marry you – so I’m just mentally preparing myself. You know, just in case. I mean…you’ve not answered my question anyway. So…what would you say if he did?” Jason shook his head slightly, an amused smile on his lips, but Grace could tell he was genuinely considering her question. The look in his eyes was strangely unreadable, but as he glanced away Grace noticed his smile change from amused to something else. After a pause he looked up at her thoughtfully, his expression one of genuine care.
“Well let’s put it this way: I wouldn’t say no,” he told her softly. Grace smiled, meeting his eyes and nodding slowly.
“Cool,” she murmured, trying to hide her grin, and Jason chuckled, the sound warm and fond, the playfulness returning to his expression.
“Why do I get the feeling I just passed some kind of secret test of yours for your parents’ boyfriends?” he asked, his tone teasing, and Grace rolled her eyes theatrically.
“I’m only wondering, Jay – you’re not that special,” she shot back with a laugh. Jason smiled, nodding sceptically.
“No, the truth is you’re just hoping for an excuse to eat cake,” he told her, eyes narrowed jokingly. “A trait I suspect you get from your father, actually,” he added with feigned despair, rolling his eyes for effect and making Grace have to fight not to giggle.
“I’ll tell him you said that,” she said, attempting a pout.
“It’s nothing I’ve not said to his face,” Jason shrugged, grinning, and Grace lost her battle to not laugh. Jason winked at her then, before slowly turning back to his task.
It took everything she had, but Grace forced herself to continue helping him, trying to push down her excited smile and look as though she had put the conversation behind them. But after five minutes had passed, she couldn’t bring herself to pretend any longer and she sat back from the box of records she had been flicking through abruptly.
“Shouldn’t dad be helping us with this?” she asked suddenly, and Jason looked up with a grin.
“I think that was the plan, although I don’t know how much use he’d be.” Grace smiled at him, shrugging idly.
“I don’t see why he should get let off though, not if I have to help,” she pointed out. “I’m going to go get him,” she nodded determinedly, and Jason simply smiled knowingly, going back to work as Grace got to her feet.
“Go ahead, kiddo,” he told her, amused, and Grace simply nodded, rushing across the small upstairs room and clattering down the stairs.
Grace loved the shop, and she adored Gary and Mark almost as much as she did Jason – they treated her like the five of them were family and she treated them the same way in return. Gary was always delighted by her love of music, Mark was always fun and talkative and Jason was full of stories, and the more time she and her dad had spent at the shop before he and Jason began dating, the more they had begun to learn that the three men had lived lives as colourful as the shop itself – even her dad’s life seemed almost dull in their midst. From Grace’s understanding, Gary had ended up at the shop after his incredibly normal life had been altered forever by his growing love for music and song-writing. His passion had taken him through challenge after challenge, battling for a break and auditioning for everything that came his way. He’d been knocked back so far that at one point it had actually taken an intervention to pull him back from despair – and that was where her dad’s boyfriend had come into the picture. Jason was an unusual sort – simultaneously a thinker and a show off, a smiler and a worrier. In so many ways he was just another Mancunian lad from a big, messy family – perhaps a little bit more neurotic than most, but down to earth and honest, undeniably genuine if a little guarded before he grew to trust someone. You could be forgiven for overlooking him a little – he could be quiet, reserved even when he wasn’t in the best of moods. Despite his handsome face, dazzling blue eyes and winning smile, Jason didn’t always turn on the charm, couldn’t quite bring himself to some days. He had, however, done what lads like him did; left school, got a job, got on with life. His original passion had been his dancing – and he’d gone far with it once, a respected break-dancer and a talented one too. He’d met Gary at an audition and the two had stayed friends. Life had carried on, Gary had continued to work hard and Jason had gone back to college, saved up money from part time jobs and gone travelling for a while, even learned to play guitar. And then Gary Barlow had bought his music shop and Jason found himself back in Manchester, casually putting his knowledge of psychology to good use when Gary faltered. Not that Jason could take all the credit for Barlow’s Music Shop still being standing: the way Gary and Jason told it, Mark Owen had waltzed onto Oldham Street – guitar in hand – one cold Manchester winter when Barlow’s Music Shop had needed him most. Gary had heard him busking one day and hadn’t been able to get that warm, quirky voice out of his head. Jason was the one who first spoke to him – amused and frustrated in equal measure by Gary’s insistence that he didn’t want to be rude and interrupt Mark’s busking efforts. Jason had been the one who found out about Mark’s story; his time in the bank and his natural talent for small talk, some vague hint of a troubled past and relationships best left forgotten, and a love of music that had helped him survive it all. And eventually Mark had come inside – becoming a shop decoration for a while before Jason had put a word in for him at the cafe, helping Mark to create a niche for himself as Oldham Street’s top song-writing stylist masquerading as a sunny-smiling cafe waiter. The three of them had formed their band, gone on adventures, met her dad and made even more music ever since, forming a tight-knit little group with their own codes of conduct and well-worn in-jokes, half the time speaking a language only the four of them seemed to be able to understand. Grace loved the warmth of it, the way one of them only had to say one word on a miserable morning and suddenly, inexplicably, they’d all be laughing, incapable of forming coherent sentences through their shared glee.
She found Gary and her dad in the piano room. Her dad was in the arm chair, Gary at his favourite baby-grand, and the two of them were both laughing, Gary desperately trying to get to the end of his story but unable to as Howard’s occasional interruptions made Gary’s resolve crumble. Grace simply rolled her eyes at the two of them, hopping down the step into the room and skipping up to her dad excitedly, her hair flying out wildly behind her.
“Hi, Sweetheart,” he dad greeted as he noticed her, holding out his arms to her and lifting her up onto his lap once she’d run the final distance between them. “How’s it going up there?” he asked, his face still creased with amusement but his eyes intent and expectant upon his daughter as she beamed up at him excitedly.
“You’re going to like it,” she said, bouncing and turning her beaming face up to look at her dad, eyes sparkling knowingly. Howard’s eyebrows raised slightly in hope and Gary frowned, confused, looking between the two of them.
“You sure your dad is going to be that excited about our new filing system? Because let me tell you, Gracie, I’m not excited. I’m kind of dreading it actually – I’m never going to learn how it works. But I’m sure I’ll get the blame when it all goes wrong.” Gary shook his head. “It’s always the same,” he said wryly, finishing off the dregs of his tea before getting up and moving towards the kitchenette to make more. “Brew, Howard?” he offered, but Howard was still looking at his daughter with a hopeful smile on his face.
“I’m alright thanks Gaz,” he said without looking up and Gary simply nodded, disappearing out of the room and whistling to himself cheerily.
“So are you going to tell me or am I going to have to tickle it out of you?” Howard asked, and Grace simply giggled, deliberately keeping her lips pursed and pretending to mull over her dad’s question. Howard wasn’t willing to be patient, however, and launched into his attack immediately, making Grace squeal.
“Ok! Ok! Stop!” she squeaked breathlessly, trying to wriggle free of his grip. “Ok, please! I’ll tell you, I promise!” Howard laughed, finally relenting and letting his daughter catch her breath. “Just so you know, though, it’s really weird you getting me to propose to your boyfriend for you,” Grace told him as she finally recovered herself, sticking her tongue out at him for emphasis. Howard rolled his eyes fondly, poking her lightly in the ribs and laughing.
“I know you know that’s not what I told you to do – and you begged me to let you help anyway. Now tell me what Jay told you.” Grace smiled, bouncing once more and leaning back against her dad’s chest.
“He said he wouldn’t say no,” she let out, tipping her head back to look up into her dad’s face, her smile breaking into a grin when she saw the smile on his face. “I knew he wouldn’t anyway, though. You and Jason are just…special,” she added confidently and Howard chuckled, kissing the top of her head fondly.
“I’m glad you think that, Gracie. It really helps, I promise,” he told her softy, giving her a tight squeeze. “Now what do you say you stay down here with Gaz while I go let Jay lecture me for not helping up there?” Grace smiled, nodding furiously before hopping off his lap and heading for the kitchen and, laughing, Howard pushed himself up out of the chair.
When Howard reached the top of the stairs, he paused, reluctant to break the stillness of the moment he was encroaching on. Jason was stood by one of the central units where the records were stored, his head bent slightly to read the cover of a record which he was turning over in his hands. He was framed in a soft shade of gold by the shaft of light that fell through the small window, the sunlight catching his face and making his blue eyes seem to glitter. Howard’s lips turned up at the corners and he folded his arms, watching, mesmerized by the way Jason’s unguarded expression looked beneath the mixture of sunlight and shadow.
“Stunning,” he said quietly at last, his voice making Jason look up instantly, a surprised smile touching his lips as he tilted his head to one side.
“Actually, it is rather,” he said, some knowing look in his eyes that didn’t escape Howard’s attention. “You know, I’ve not heard this song in ages – but it’s one of those hidden gems of the 70s if you ask me.” Howard had crossed the distance between them by now, and he smiled at Jason softly, placing his hands on his hips and leaning their foreheads together.
“Actually, love, I wasn’t talking about the record,” he murmured and Jason narrowed his eyes at him, gracefully stepping away from Howard just before he was able to kiss him. He shot a knowing look over his shoulder as he made his way across to the corner of the room, where a record player stood at the end of a rack of rare records.
“Now listen to me, Howard Donald, you can’t blind me with compliments. All that electronic music you love so much has got nothing on a quality hook,” he said, setting up the record player and then turning back to face Howard with smile. “This is Could It Be Magic. My mum used to love it – not her usual sort of thing but I remember it,” he shrugged as the song began, and Howard couldn’t deny it was beautiful. Jason crossed back towards him, reaching up to place his arms around his neck and stretching, catlike, so his weight was balanced entirely on Howard. “Much better,” he informed Howard in murmur, looking up into his face for a moment, his smile teasing, before finally pressing a kiss to Howard’s lips. As they pulled back from each other, Howard chuckled.
“Ok. You win,” he said, smiling at the way Jason’s laugh vibrated against his ribs. “But you should know, Barry Manilow wouldn’t go down too well in my sets. Maybe if someone did a more upbeat version, I’d be more sold on it,” he teased and Jason rolled his eyes in mock-despair, tipping his head back for a moment before straightening up abruptly and putting his forehead against Howard’s.
“There’ve been upbeat versions – but we’re talking about a thing of beauty here. Can’t you appreciate a bit of beauty, Donald?” Jason questioned softly, eyes gleaming as he looked into Howard’s.
“Funnily enough, I’m appreciating it right this moment,” Howard replied, his hand running slowly up Jason’s spine. Jason narrowed his eyes a little, well aware he was being seduced but not entirely against the prospect, and Howard was about to pull him into another kiss when the shop’s bell abruptly shattered the peace, making Jason laugh and suddenly step out of the embrace with a playful wink.
“Better luck next time,” he told Howard gently, moving towards the stairs, and Howard groaned in protest.
“Am I ever going to have you all to myself again?” Jason smiled at him sympathetically over his shoulder as they trudged down the stairs.
“Chin up, love. You’ll get your chance – I know your schedule, remember? It’s weeks ‘til your next job and I’m pencilled in to be all yours ‘til then,” he said, taking Howard’s hand in his and giving it a squeeze, the gesture counterbalancing the teasing air to his words.
Downstairs, Mark was standing in the middle of the shopfloor, a bemused Gary and Grace staring back at him, matching frowns on their faces. As Howard and Jason appeared on the stairs, Mark quickly turned to look up at them, one of his widest smiles plastered across his face as he bounced on his heels.
“You won’t believe what just happened,” he let out in a rush of breath.
“You won’t be able to get enough sense out of him to believe it, more like,” Gary remarked, his voice amused and lightly teasing. Mark waved a dismissive hand at him. “Quite down, Barlow, I’m trying to tell a story here,” he said, his focus staying on Howard and Jason as they finally reached the bottom of the stairs. Gary simply chuckled, shaking his head slightly, though he – like Howard, Jason and Grace – continued to look at Mark expectantly, his excitement palpable even if his gabbled explanations as he’d come in the door had made very little sense.
For a moment no one moved, all eyes train on Mark, who stood bathed in the glow of the sunlight that filtered through the room, his brown hair wild as though he had run all the way from the cafe. White noise played in Gary’s ears as he waited for the chocolate and chilli of Mark’s voice to break through the peace; to him it was as if there was one spotlight and one microphone and Mark had been given sole use – the man overpowered him sometimes and it made him smile.
“Are you pausing for suspense or did you forget what you came to tell us?” Jason asked, chuckling. One eyebrow was raised and there was a wry smile on his lips – it wouldn’t be the first time Mark forgot his train of thought halfway through a sentence and burst into their shop only to tell them he couldn’t remember why it had been so important. But this time Mark seemed intent upon something, even as he stuck his tongue out at Jason.
“One time,” he protested, weakly, knowing full well it had been at least three times but not wanting to admit it. Jason simply nodded knowingly.
“Ok then, so are we going to have to guess?” he asked.
“You’ve developed an addiction to cheesecake and left some poor customer without their Saturday lunchtime treat?” Howard ventured, nodding at what Mark was holding in his hand. Mark frowned before finally realising he was still holding onto table five’s extra-large coffee and strawberry cheesecake, and wincing slightly, setting them down on the nearest surface.
“Not funny, Howard,” he said, though his eyes glittered and he couldn’t hide his smile.
“Did you really run down the street with that?” Gary chuckled affectionately and Mark grinned.
“Well it didn’t come here on its own,” he shrugged. “Anyway, that’s not the point! Something just happened in the caff that you will not believe.”
“Go on, Markie, what happened?” Jason laughed softly, slowly sitting himself down on the stairs and letting Grace come over to join him, obligingly pulling her into a hug when she tugged on his arm. She ended up half-leaning against his knee and half-sitting on him, his arms around her and his chin resting on her shoulder as she smiled happily to herself, pretending not to notice the knowing look her father gave her as he sat down on the step above Jason’s.
“You know BBC are moving loads of their studios up to Salford soon, right?” Mark was asking. Jason pulled a face in response.
“Don’t remind me. Do you know how much the rent for our apartment’s gone up since all this development started? The whole area’s gone mad,” he sighed. “But what’s that got to do with you bursting in here with a stolen cheesecake?” Mark rolled his eyes.
“It means that people from all over the place keep washing up in Manchester. Do you know how many of these London-executive types keep prowling around the place? It’s crazy. People from the BBC’s breakfast news keep showing up too. And music people…” Mark trailed off, looking expectantly at the faces in front of him and finding himself disappointed when they stared blankly back at him. “So sometimes they end up on our street. And today it happened again. Only this time it was someone from Polydor who showed up at the caff – came in just now and actually got talking to me,” he told them, widening his eyes for emphasis.
“Wait, Polydor as in the record label?” Gary was the first to cotton on, eyes suddenly alert.
“I hope that’s not his cheesecake,” Grace said dryly, sounding oddly grown-up for her age and making the others smirk.
“I think she’s been spending too much time with Jason,” Howard remarked with a sly grin, and Jason turned to smack him playfully before pulling Grace close.
“Don’t listen to your dad, he’s got no room to talk,” he said with a mischievous grin, casting a sidelong glance back at Howard as Grace laughed.
“Anyway, whose fault would it be if she was spending too much time with him – I don’t see you complaining, Howard Donald,” Gary put in, chuckling.
“He’s got you there,” Jason agreed and Howard pulled a face.
“I think we all know it would be Jay’s fault, actually,” he said, ducking out of the way as Jason tried to smack him again. “You know it’s true,” he joked as Jason shook his head despairingly, unable to hide his smile.
“Lads, can we focus?!” Mark interrupted – his eyes were amused but his plea was determined and everyone quickly smothered their grins and looked back over at him apologetically. “The guy’s been up here doing some ongoing music charity project with the BBC, coming back and forth up to Manchester a lot, you know the stuff. Anyway, he went on the news this morning apparently, but I didn’t see anything about it. But the point is, when I went to take his order he recognised me.” Off his friends’ disbelieving looks, Mark decided to press on with his story. “Look, do you remember the week after Jay was in hospital and…well, you know, all the crazy stuff that happened and everything?” he asked, wincing slightly at having to bring up the awkward topic of his former boyfriend returning back into his life through an unfortunate turn of events that landed Jason with a night's stay in hospital and Mark and Gary with their worst argument to date.
“The week I wasn’t allowed to leave my own home without a bodyguard and a foot of bubble wrap round me, you mean?” Jason asked, smiling up at Howard with a look that was part-amusement and part-affection.
“I offered you the option of a hamster ball,” Howard shot back with a half-hearted pout. Grace giggled and Jason poked her in the ribs.
“Hey, you, don’t encourage him,” he joked, kissing her temple then looking back up at Mark. “What about that week, Mark?” Mark smiled at him gratefully, glad that he was making the effort to stay on topic.
“We played at that pub near the Palace Theatre that week – you remember? And our songs went down so well we actually got asked to do an encore and the only song left to sing didn’t have a complete harmony written yet so Howard and Jay had to improvise?” Mark continued and Gary nodded slowly.
“You on guitar, me on piano…”
“And me and Jay trying to figure out what the hell was going on,” Howard added.
“I don’t know, love, you seemed to have it pretty much under control by the end,” Jason remarked thoughtfully and Gary nodded.
“He’s got an ear for a harmony our Howard.”
“Well it must’ve worked, because the guy from the label was at that show and he remembered all of it. Even our thrown together ‘Up All Night’ improv. I think he said that was his favourite part, you know.” Mark looked at their disbelieving faces and folded his arms indignantly. “Seriously!” he insisted.
“Markie, you’re not pulling my leg are you?” Gary asked steadily.
“Gaz, you know I wouldn’t mess with you,” Mark told him earnestly. “I promise. He stopped me as he was going out the door and asked me if I was from the band he saw that night and I said yes, told him about us and the shop. He asked for our number so I gave him the shop’s number. He said he’d call and try and set something up for us if we’re interested.” Mark shrugged. “Then I came here and told you lot – you know I wouldn’t run out on the caff like that if it wasn’t true.”
“In my experience, ‘we’ll call you’ rarely pans out,” Gary remarked cautiously, biting his lip, his forehead creasing into a frown. But Mark smiled fondly and moved over to him, placing a kind hand on his arm and pressing a single kiss to his lips, forcing Gary to meet his gaze.
“Well I think this is different. Trust me, Barlow – I can feel it,” he countered.
***
Two weeks on and the shop’s phone hadn’t rung once. It wasn’t a fact which had gone unnoticed, though the four of them tried their best to let it go unacknowledged. Of course, it was hard not to notice the way that Gary watched and watched it, keeping an eye on it at all times and refusing to leave the shop before the end of business hours each day. Eventually Jason had kicked him out of the shop entirely, ignoring his protests and all but pushing him out of the door, enlisting Mark’s services as a very effective distraction for a while here and there. Gary couldn’t say he blamed Jason, if he was honest. He knew he was probably too invested in the possibility of the phone ringing, and in any case, Jason had reason to be worried about him based on past experience. Jason had been there for him for many years now and he knew every trick in the book for taking Gary’s mind of things – he also knew exactly what the come-down would be if the call never came, and Gary suspected he was already putting his mind to thinking of ways to soften the blow should the worst case scenario happen. He supposed that if Jason was pressed he’d probably say he’d rather the phone didn’t ring at all – ever the practical one and never one to crave the spotlight with any burning passion, Jason saw through a lot of the trappings that came of record deals and the pursuit of any significant recognition in the music industry, saw the way it made people easy targets and exposed their weaknesses. Maybe a part of him thought it’d possibly be better for Gary in the long run if he never broke through, if he just carried on making his music for his own entertainment – but knowing Gary as he did, he probably also knew that would never be enough for him. Jason was a master of knowing what was best for others, he worried about it as a way to distract himself from what might be best for himself. That had begun to change over the past couple of years, of course. Howard seemed to shake at Jason’s foundations, seemed to pull him out from inside himself and just relax him. He still worried and he still turned thoughts over and over in his head, but he was more capable of setting it aside for a while, these days. As Jason’s friend, he was happy to see him so much more himself, so much less guarded and more open, at least when it was the four of them in the shop, and he knew that they were probably closer as a result. Howard’s friendship had come to mean just as much to him, of course, and he wasn’t sure how exactly there had been a time before him. And then there was Mark. Gary couldn’t help but think that perhaps Jason wasn’t the only one who had needed to let down some of his walls.
Mark’s friendship had been the beginning of Gary’s changing attitude to life, but it was their relationship which had changed him the most. He was beginning to feel less pressure to please, less like he needed to prove something to the world about himself or his talent. Because really, with Mark at his side and his shop (somehow) making a profit each year, how could he say he’d not already found success? It was something his mind still warred with itself over sometimes; when he was onstage with his three best friends in the world, singing songs and making people smile, it didn’t seem so much like official recognition mattered, as long as songs he had helped create were out in the world in some form. But there were other days when he longed to see his name in the printed booklet of an album, to see a crowd stretching out in front of him when he sang. And then Mark would take him by the hand and lead him through the park on a bright, spring day and suddenly none of it mattered either way; he was happy and needed nothing.
There was a light spring breeze on his face today, and Mark’s hand was clutched tightly in his own as the two of them walked, Mark talking in messy circles about some deep idea that had been playing on his mind and smiling at total strangers, his head bobbing and his round eyes bright and twinkling. He swung their clasped hands slightly as he hurried along and Gary felt more than a little proud to be walking through the park with someone so obviously bubbling over with energy and life, felt lucky that he was the one getting to walk side by side with one of life’s rare, beautifully complex souls.
“Earth to Barlow!” He was shaken from his thoughts by Mark’s musical laugh and he blinked, looking over at him dazedly only to recieve an amused grin for his troubles. “I was asking you about the shop,” Mark explained, nudging Gary’s shoulder with his own and then performing a hop-skip along the path to avoid a puddle. “Do you think you’ll need any help this weekend?”
“Why would I need help at the shop? Everything’s pretty much under control these days, isn’t it?” Gary frowned and Mark laughed, shaking his head.
“You have remembered you gave Jay the weekend off, haven’t you?” he asked, eyebrows quirked knowingly as realisation slowly dawned on Gary. “He wanted a couple of days just him and Howard so you told him you’d take the weekend to make up for all the phone-watching you’ve been doing this week.” Mark shrugged idly. “I’ve got the weekend off from the caff, though. So, you know…if you wanted company…”
“Would I ever say no to you?” Gary chuckled and Mark beamed at him in response. “Although I would like to point out that him and Howard have had plenty of alone time at that shop – and I don’t want to know what they’ve been getting up to!” He frowned slightly then. “There’s nothing going on between the two of them is there?” he asked and Mark shot him a part-amused, part-confused smile.
“Um, you have noticed they’ve been going out for more than two years now, haven’t you?! They kissed in the rain right outside your shop, Barlow, something is definitely going on between them,” he grinned teasingly before twirling himself under Gary’s arm and performing another hop-skip, this time letting go of Gary’s hand in order to launch himself over another, larger puddle without pulling Gary down into it. Gary rolled his eyes in fond frustration.
“Oh, I remember. They were out there so long some old lady came over to put her umbrella over the two of them! But that’s not really what I meant, Marko. I was just wondering if everything was alright – Howard’s schedule’s not been getting them down too much, has it?” Gary looked over at Mark enquiringly, and it didn’t escape his attention the way Mark couldn’t meet his eyes. He was biting on his lip and fiddling with the ends of his sleeves, clearly mulling something over, and Gary reached out to recapture his hand. “Come on, Marko, if you know something you need to tell me. Jay is my best mate, so I’d rather know.” Mark thought for a moment on whether he should say anything; he wasn’t the best at keeping secrets. It wasn’t that he wasn’t loyal, it was just that he couldn’t help talking to people and sometimes he got so excited with all the ideas and stories running round in his head that they would slip out before he had time to process whether or not they were his stories to tell. But this was Gary he was talking to – and Howard and Jason were their best friends, so he was bound to find out everything in time anyway, whether Mark let the secret out or not.
“Well…” he began, looking up at Gary from the corner of his eyes. “You know Grace and Howard have been all secretive lately?” Gary inclined his head in agreement and Mark glanced down, biting on his lip once more. “So I might’ve asked Grace about it when we were all at the shop the other day,” he admitted and Gary couldn’t help but smile.
“You cornered the kid didn’t you?”
“I didn’t blackmail her or anything! She couldn’t wait to tell me what was going on as soon as she realised I knew they were up to something. She couldn’t resist – she needed someone to be excited with her. You know, I think she loves Jay more than Howard does?” Mark was rambling now and Gary had to tug hard on his hand and pull him back to face him to make him stop, quickly taking a step closer and playfully leaning their foreheads together.
“Slow down, Marko – what is it that you know?” he asked. Mark’s eyes danced and he stood on his tiptoes, grinning impishly up at Gary.
“I know something even Jay doesn’t know,” he said, pausing for effect before suddenly bouncing on his heels and widening his eyes excitedly. “Howard’s going to ask him to marry him!” Gary’s mouth fell open, and Mark laughed delightedly at his expression, quickly ducking away from him and spinning over to a nearby bench, hopping up to stand on it.
“Are you telling me Howard is seriously going to ask Jay to marry him?!” Gary demanded, slowly looking over at Mark, who grinned sunnily back at him, shrugging.
“Seriously,” he assured him brightly. “Honest, Gaz, it’s the sweetest thing. He just loves him, you know? I know that goes without saying but…this is something else, Gaz. I think the two of them could really make it. It’s like the promises are already made, almost – they just want to prove it to everyone.”
“Jay hasn’t said yes yet,” Gary warned half-heartedly and Mark looked at him steadily.
“Well if he doesn’t then Grace will probably never forgive him,” he said after a moment and Gary chuckled.
“Funny isn’t it – I bet Howard would actually take it a lot better than she would.”
“It’s not a problem though. Jay’s going to say yes. Grace can’t keep a secret to save her life – she told me she’d already asked him.” Mark grinned at Gary’s disbelieving look. “Don’t look at me like that, Barlow – me and Grace are both as bad as each other when we’re trying to keep the lid on a good secret. She couldn’t wait to tell me.” He shrugged. “It’s not like we didn’t know it anyway. Jay’s been…different, since Howard. It’s like suddenly he feels safe enough to not be the strong one all the time. He loves Howard just as much as Howard loves him, you know.” Gary smiled at that, nodding thoughtfully.
“Yeah. I know,” he agreed quietly, strolling over to join Mark by the bench. “We’ve been friends a long time, so I know him better than he thinks – and I’m not one to pry but, I’ve known since the moment he laid eyes on Howard that there was something different about the two of them.” He shrugged. “I’ve never been so observant about my own life, but Jay’s? Jay’s I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on.”
Gary looked up at Mark then, smiling fondly. Stood up on the bench, his hand shielding his eyes from the sun, the April breeze ruffling his hair, Mark looked like an overgrown kid, his grin irrepressible. “And what about you, Marko? Have you ever been proposed to?” He didn’t really know why he asked it – as much as he wasn’t surprised by the idea that Howard wanted to marry Jason, he still found he couldn’t quite get his head around what exactly it was that had prompted it; how did he decide that that was what he wanted, how did he decide that he needed something more than just loving Jason and knowing he was loved in return? He looked up and realised Mark was studying his face curiously, as though he could read his thoughts, and when their eyes met he flashed him a warm, knowing smile.
“Would you get jealous if I told you I’d been proposed to three times?” he asked, his eyes suddenly playful, and Gary chuckled.
“Three times?” he asked, sceptically, and Mark nodded.
“The first two times were when I was working at the bank. One old lady and one even older old lady. And then one time at the caff there was some troubled-writer-type who came and sat in the corner one day and didn’t stop staring at me. When I brought him a coffee later, he asked if I believed in love at first sight and when I said maybe he asked if I’d marry him. I said no…he never came back to the caff again.” Mark shrugged, still grinning. “I think I broke his heart,” he remarked blithely, making Gary smile.
“I suppose I should’ve known you would’ve had offers. Jay’s the same, you know. People jokingly ask him to marry them all the time – the hazards of having a charming mind as well as a charming face, I believe. Me and Howard have no such problems,” he joked, and Mark smacked him lightly.
“Don’t do yourself down, Barlow – you’re not too bad to look at y’self you know. Although I s’pose it’s up for debate if your mind matches up to your face,” he teased. He paused then, tilting his head to one side. “I’m glad I’ve not been proposed to for real though. I don’t think I’ve ever been that sure of anything in my life, you know? Things change and people leave all the time – a ring doesn’t make it any less likely that you could just end up on your own.”
“Wow,” Gary remarked, his voice soft and a little startled. It never ceased to surprise him when the darker side of Mark’s nature was exposed – boundless optimism giving way to a troubling loneliness he seemed to always carry with him and that Gary suspected came of the fact that Mark felt everything to the maximum degree, the good and the bad of life. It was what made his music unique and fascinating, but sometimes it left a distance between them, as though there were places in Mark’s head that Gary simply didn’t dare go.
“Please tell me you weren’t about to propose and I just broke your heart?” Mark’s voice cut into Gary’s thoughts as he jumped suddenly down from the bench and looked anxiously up into Gary’s eyes. Gary couldn’t help but smile at his concern, chuckling softly.
“No, no! I’m just as much at a loss as you are, Marko. I think it’s important to Howard. And Jay. Grace too, maybe. But I think it’s something you can only know for yourself someday.” He looked thoughtfully at Mark then, biting his lip. “Although, there was something I wanted to ask you…”
“Okay, so ask me,” Mark shrugged.
“Well, now we’re both living at the flat together, I was wondering if…if maybe you wanted to get a puppy with me?” Gary glanced down, missing the way Mark’s eyes widened with glee. “I mean, I know we both had dogs as kids and I know we both miss the-” Gary’s words were cut off by Mark abruptly pressing a kiss to his lips, and he laughed in mild surprise. “Is that a yes?” he asked, amused, as Mark pulled back and grinned up at him wildly.
“Gary Barlow you are the most amazing man on the planet, you know that?” Mark said in reply, reaching up to give him a tight squeeze.
“Impossible if you’re on the planet too, Marko,” Gary told him softly, returning the hug. “Now how about we get back to Jason and share the news? Give you something to talk endlessly about without any danger of you spilling Howard’s secret.”
“Ok. But…just five more minutes here together. I really like being in this moment with you.”
***
It was one of those rare, cloudless April days when a hazy peace descended on the city – the sky blue and the whisper of the breeze calming. Jason and Howard’s apartment was always a suntrap – with its vast windows and open-plan design – but on days like today the whole place seemed to glow in shades of gold and amber, pretty shadows making patterns out of the sunbeams as the whole space filled with a quiet sort of warmth that lent itself to a certain unplaceable contentedness. There was nothing like the feeling of that sun-drenched living room and the gentle pressure of Jason’s body leaning against his own to make Howard smile. He was absently flicking through the channels, his attention not really on the television screen and his mind drifting off elsewhere – he saw his phone screen light up out of the corner of his eye and bit back a chuckle, knowing it would be yet another message from Grace, before flicking the TV off and letting his head drop back against the sofa cushions, taking a moment to close his eyes and collect his thoughts. It had taken all of his powers of persuasion to convince Grace to spend the day at her best friend Izzy’s house, but he knew she wasn’t used to being kept out of his plans deliberately and no doubt the suspense was killing her. He couldn’t quite bring himself to feel guilty, though – not after the morning he had spent with Jason. After dropping Grace off at Izzy’s, the two of them had stopped by one of their favourite cafes not far from the apartment and gone for a walk along the canal, the two of them drifting in and out of conversations and sharing casual silences, sometimes bumping shoulders, other times exchanging brief kisses, both feeling lazy and comfortable in the April sunshine and making the most of their rare chance to be alone together. And now Jason sat in the crook of Howard’s arm, the gentle pressure of his spine curving against Howard’s side as he rested against him, eyes intent upon the book his was reading, a slight frown of concentration creasing his face. If Grace’s constant messages made him suspicious, then he wasn’t letting it show, Howard thought idly, studying Jason’s unguarded expression with a fond smile. It was an expressive face; angular and handsome, some people made the mistake of thinking that’s what drew them in – but Howard knew better. It was the way that face of his was always changing, shifting between smiles and frowns, every thought and emotion there to be read. Honest, genuine and giving – it was who Jason was that held people, whether they were fully aware of that fact or not. It was something Howard had known, instinctively, the moment he’d first spoken to Jason. And Jason seemed to have recognized that in kind, all reservations and guards falling away when he first met Howard’s eyes. And maybe it hadn’t been love at first sight, exactly, because Howard wasn’t sure he believed in that concept. But it had been understanding at first sight. The sort of recognition people didn’t often find but once they had it was impossible to live without it.
“Jay,” Howard said softly, bending his head slightly to try and catch Jason’s eyes.
“Yeah?” Jason asked, glancing up at Howard, twisting ever so slightly to meet his gaze.
“Can I ask you something?” Howard ventured, suddenly shy. The light danced in Jason’s eyes and he couldn’t look away from his face, even as his nerves knotted in his chest. His lips were curved ever so slightly – the expression wasn’t a smile but it was fond and curious.
“I’m listening,” Jason murmured after a beat, closing his book, his finger still keeping his place but his attention solely on Howard, reassuring and calm.
“Jay, what would you say if…what would you say if I asked you to marry me?” Slowly Jason shifted his weight against him, looking up into Howard’s face with an unreadable expression as he tucked himself neatly against his side. He was curled towards Howard now, his eyes scanning his face quietly, his pale lips just starting to curve up at the corners.
“You’re holding your breath,” he said softly at last; a statement not a question, blue eyes shining. He regarded Howard’s face for a moment longer before learning forwards almost imperceptibly, their faces now as close as they could be without touching. “Are you? Asking me to marry you, I mean?” he asked and Howard felt a small smile tug at the very corner of his lips.
“Only if you’re gonna say yes,” he replied, suddenly glancing away. “Because I think if you don’t say yes then it might actually hurt more than anything has ever hurt me before.” Howard swallowed, keeping his eyes trained downwards, but by his side he felt Jason moving again. Gently – painfully tenderly – Jason touched a fingertip to his chin and Howard immediately looked back up, his eyes meeting Jason’s in a heartbeat.
“Howard Donald, I thought you knew me better than that,” he said, his voice quiet and laced with amusement and gentle reprimand. Howard smiled back at him then, reaching out a hand and placing it on Jason’s hip, his thumb slipping just beneath the hem of his shirt and brushing his skin. “Tell me you know me better than that,” Jason added, a definite smirk now playing on his lips, making Howard chuckle shyly.
“Yeah. I guess I do,” he replied gently before dipping his head and capturing Jason’s lips with his own, pulling him into a long, drawn out kiss. As the kiss deepened, Jason’s arms wound around Howard, his book long discarded as he began to lean back down onto the sofa, pulling Howard down with him. Howard smiled against Jason’s lips, enjoying the sensation of Jason’s body beneath him and the sun on his back, happy to lose all track of time.
Eventually, and with reluctance, Howard pulled away, though he kept their faces close, leaning back just enough so he could catch the look in Jason’s eyes as they slowly fluttered open to meet his gaze. Their noses touched as they both took a moment to slow their breathing and steady their heart rates, both men gathering their thoughts in the moment of quiet that passed between them. Howard stroked a finger tenderly down Jason’s face.
“You’re sure about this?” he asked, studying every line of Jason’s face for clues as to his answer. “You know what I am, Jay – who I am. And you know all the reasons why you and me being together is crazy,” he added, more quietly then, a twinge of guilt and fear briefly clutching at his ribcage and making every muscle in his body tense, just for a second. And then Jason smiled up at him, tipping his head up to press a single, firm kiss to his lips.
“You know the answer to that too, you daft beggar,” he told him as he pulled back, his voice low and firm, but also tender, a sweetness in his smile that was only reserved for their quietest moments together. Howard leant his forehead against Jason’s and swallowed hard.
“I know. I just thought I should remind you.”
“Listen to me, ok? I know you. And you know me. And you know that sometimes we’re going to argue and disagree and drive each other crazy. We’re both stubborn bastards too, though. And in the end there’s more reasons why we make sense than why we don’t.” Howard felt him cup his face in his hands and slowly he opened his eyes, looking into Jason’s open face and seeing a look of care and determination there that made him smile. “I don’t need to overanalyse this, Howard. Because I might question and doubt and worry about everything else – but I’ll always be sure of you.”
***
Jason stretched out his body as his eyes slowly flickered open. He squinted slightly against the bright sunlight shining into his eyes; the sun was high in the sky now and bathed the bed in hues of orange and gold, making patterns across his and Howard’s skin. Howard was still asleep beside him, halfway across his side of the bed, his face pressed into the crook of Jason’s neck and his arm slung loosely around his waist. Smiling slightly to himself, Jason carefully disentangled himself from Howard’s embrace, letting out a low half-chuckle when Howard mumbled something in his sleep, a frown crossing his features before he let out a long sigh and pressed his face into Jason’s pillow. Carefully and quietly he made his way over to the door, pausing briefly to look back at Howard and allowing his mind a moment to process everything. He wondered if he shouldn’t feel more anxious, more nervous about his decision and the significance of it all. But then he reminded himself that this was Howard – and there was no doubt or fear when it came to Howard. He had meant what he had told him earlier; for all the logical arguments and doubts he might have come up with in the past about marriage and relationships, there was nothing that could make him doubt Howard or what he meant to him. He smiled, looking at Howard sprawled out across the bed; it never took him long to fill up the space, stretching out like some demented starfish until all the covers were tangled around his limbs. He looked so peaceful, the very picture of the same contented calmness that had settled over Jason – this was the opposite of doubt, he thought happily as he pushed himself quietly off the doorframe. As tempting as it was to climb back into the bed with Howard, he needed a shower and he had to see to it that there was some half-decent food ready for their lunch.
After his shower Jason checked once more on Howard, who was still sound asleep, and now hugging a mixture of sheets and pillows close to his chest in Jason’s absence, face turned away from the sunlight as though in denial that it could possibly be the middle of the day. Howard always did relish the chance to be in bed in the afternoon, Jason thought with a small, amused chuckle. Towelling his hair dry, he made his way down the corridor, picking up his shirt from where it had been discarded on the sofa with a wry smile. As he pulled on his shirt, he spotted Howard’s mobile out of the corner of his eye, still buzzing away to itself – he glanced at the screen and was amused to see Grace’s name lit up, a growing number of unread texts beginning to pile up in Howard’s inbox. Knowing Grace, he suspected she was in on her dad’s plan and that being kept out of the loop was probably driving her mad. He wished Izzy luck in dealing with her in the time before he and Howard had agreed to pick her up – he knew what Grace was like on a mission all too well. A trait she got from her father, Jason suspected.
Leaving Grace’s messages to be dealt with by Howard later, Jason crossed over towards the kitchen, opening up the fridge and staring at the contents with a small frown of concentration, trying to work out what exactly he might be able to throw together for a late lunch. Before he could come to any real decisions, he was distracted by the sound of a brisk knock on the apartment door and he turned, one eyebrow quirked curiously. He didn’t know many people who would visit him and Howard without an invite or some form of advanced warning and, as he walked towards the door, it occurred to him that there were really only two people left who ever dropped in on him unexpectedly. A smile touched his lips; he had a feeling he knew exactly why this impromptu visit was happening, and he shook his head to himself in a mixture of amusement and despair.
Sure enough, as he opened the door he was greeted by the sight of Mark and Gary, their expressions picture-perfect opposites of each other. Mark was beaming, his expression all hopeful innocence but his eyes dancing with mischief and excitement – he never could keep a straight face and the harder he tried to, often, the less he found himself able to. Standing just behind him was Gary, his face one of bemused acceptance, a dry, sarcastic look in his eyes of ‘Sure, we just stopped by out of the blue with no ulterior motive at all’ that Jason could read immediately. He raised an eyebrow at him, but Gary simply shrugged, a lopsided smile forming on his lips.
“Surprise,” he deadpanned and Jason bit back a laugh, nodding before turning his attention back to Mark, who bounced on the balls of his feet, eyes wide.
“So?” he asked, an elbow digging briefly into Gary’s ribs but his eyes not leaving Jason. For his part, Jason folded his arms and arched an eyebrow.
“So?” he echoed, with a small smile that seemed to offer up a challenge. Mark opened his mouth to speak, but this time it was Gary who elbowed him.
“So, we just came to see if you were having a good weekend. And since you clearly are-” Gary said, his voice pointed and his eyes on Mark rather than Jason. Jason smothered a grin.
“Gaz, we could at least stay for a brew,” Mark interrupted and Gary sighed.
“You’re digging a very nice hole for us here, Marko – I really hope you’ve brought a ladder to get us back out again,” he muttered, his voice low, though he seemed resigned to that fact the Jason was onto them nevertheless.
“Would you like to come in or should I just leave you out here bickering?” Jason asked them kindly, eyes dancing with amusement, and Mark had the grace to look sheepish.
“Are you sure?” he asked and Jason laughed.
“Not the first person to ask me that question today,” he remarked cryptically, standing aside to allow Gary and Mark inside. Gary accepted the invitation, but Mark stood a moment, eyes narrowed slightly and a knowing smile starting to form on his lips.
“I knew it,” he said before coming inside and giving Gary a smack on his arm. “Told you so,” he added, not looking at Gary long enough to see the baffled look he shot him, too busy turning his eyes back to Jason, who simply raised his eyebrows at him, feigning innocence.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, shutting the door and heading for the kitchen.
“And I really don’t,” Gary put in archly. Jason shot him a fond grin over his shoulder before looking back at Mark, who was still scrutinizing him.
“Come on, Jay,” he said, his voice less of a plea and more of a tease. Jason simply rolled his eyes, stopping briefly by the breakfast bar and looking between Mark and Gary carefully.
“Ok,” he said after a beat. “But not until you tell me why this is any of your business,” he relented, his eyes betraying the lack of any real annoyance.
“It was Grace. You know there’s no way she could keep it quiet, I was doing her a favour really – I had Gaz to tell before there was any danger of me telling you,” Mark shrugged and Jason laughed, glancing at Gary who rolled his eyes in fond despair.
“What can you do with him, Jay?” he sighed, before suddenly fixing his bright blue gaze more keenly on Jason. “So…are you going to tell us what you said then?” he asked. Jason regarded him and Mark a moment, unable to hide the way his mouth quirked up at the corners. “I don’t see Howard around,” Gary joked and Jason laughed softly, shaking his head and looking down.
“I think you know the answer to your question, you know,” he pointed out with a shy smile, before quickly pushing himself up and turning on his heel.
“Brilliant,” Gary beamed, following him towards the kitchen.
“Yeah, like we didn’t know,” Mark smiled, before suddenly frowning and glancing around the apartment. “But seriously – where is Howard!?”
“Are my ears burning?” The sound of Howard’s voice cut off the reply Jason had been about to offer, and he turned from where he’d been pulling ingredients from the fridge just in time to see Howard come shuffling into the kitchen, stifling a yawn. He came up to Jason, giving him a soft kiss in the crook of his neck before reaching around him to pull a bottle of milk from the fridge. As he turned back he glanced over at Mark and Gary, eyebrows raised in curiosity. “And what brings you pair here?” he asked. Jason smirked.
“Don’t mind them two, they’re just a pair of gossips.” He ignored Gary’s protest at the accusation, not bothering to hide his amused smile, and instead kept his attention on Howard. “How’s spicy chicken salad sound for lunch?” he asked him and Howard shrugged.
“Sounds fine to me,” he said, drinking down the last of the glass of milk he’d poured and returning the bottle to the fridge. “Mind if I hop in the shower first though?” he asked, eyes twinkling when they met Jason’s. Jason nodded slowly, his smile lopsided.
“Sure, you do that.” Neither Gary nor Mark seemed to notice the moment that passed between them, and as Howard passed Jason on his way towards the corridor, he flashed him a conspiratorial wink.
As Howard disappeared down the corridor, Mark and Gary watched, intrigued, whilst Jason began to throw together a mixture of ingredients and leftovers, apparently following a well-used recipe, his expression calm and open as he seemed to move around the kitchen on autopilot.
“You know, Jay, if you ever want to come round ours and cook, you’re more than welcome,” Gary remarked after a minute and Jason laughed.
“And why would I do that?”
“Coz Howard gets your proper cooking all the time and me and Gaz fancy a bit of a treat?” Mark suggested brightly. “We always just end up eating junk food,” he added, wrinkling his nose slightly, though Jason suspected he didn’t really mind all that much.
“Is that so – you know that’s strange since I know, for a fact, Gary Barlow has stolen recipes from me in the past,” he said and Gary grumbled slightly.
“Doesn’t mean I can bloody cook ‘em though,” he pointed out.
“It’d help if you didn’t burn everything,” Mark said, playfully unhelpful.
“And you can really talk, Mark Owen!” Gary shot back, before looking over at Jason. “Do you know how many times he’s set our smoke alarm off? In the past week? Go on, guess.” Jason laughed and shook his head.
“I know better than to get dragged into your domestics,” he told them fondly, and Mark stuck out his tongue at Gary, who swotted at him half-heartedly, not managing to hide his smile.
By the time Jason was dishing up, Howard had returned, pulling himself up to sit on the kitchen counter and kissing Jason’s temple on his way past; it was one of those familiar gestures of theirs – routine and nonchalant – that they both moved into instinctively, gracefully moving in synchronicity with one another as though they were following choreography. From his place at the breakfast bar, Mark watched them with a fond, knowing smile, exchanging a glance with Gary and miming ‘Aw’, only for Gary to roll his eyes at him.
“You know, we never really got a straight answer out of you earlier,” Mark said leadingly as Jason handed him a bowl of salad. Jason looked at him with a mixture of despair and amusement.
“Like a dog with a bone,” Gary said dryly, eyes twinkling, and Howard hid a smirk.
“Grace is just as bad,” he remarked and Jason smacked him lightly before tilting his head to one side as though deep in thought.
“No – Grace is worse,” he said after a beat, dodging artfully out of the way when Howard attempted to smack him back. The two looked at each other with matching grins before quickly looking back down at their food and trying to smother their amusement.
“Will you ever tell us, Jay?” Mark interrupted, and Jason glanced up at him, one eyebrow arched. There was still a smile on his lips and his eyes were bright. There was a calmness about him that Gary was slightly surprised by – usually Jason squirmed under private questions, didn’t like the exposure of it. But today he just seemed happy, content to play this game with Mark and let the honesty of his smile give away all his secrets.
“What exactly do you want me to tell?” Jason asked, exchanging a knowing glance with Howard that gave far more away than any words could. Gary shook his head fondly.
“Give it up, Marko – he’s a wily one is our Jay. If he don’t want you to know, you ain’t finding out,” he said and Mark pulled a face.
“I know but it was worth a try.”
“You’ve definitely been spending too much time with Grace,” Howard grinned.
“And are you both torturing her too or is she allowed answers to her questions?” Mark demanded, pouting half-heartedly. Jason chuckled.
“He hasn’t dared phone her yet,” he said, looking up at Howard pointedly. Howard pulled a face and gave him a light smack on his arm, but Jason simply smiled up at him knowingly.
“You’re a terrible person,” Howard told him and Jason shrugged.
“More fool you for being in love with me then,” he said airily, flashing Howard a wink.
“See, Marko – they might not want to give you details but I’m pretty sure that look right there answers all the big questions,” Gary said, leaning into Mark conspiratorially but not bothering to lower his voice. Jason flashed him a quietly amused smile.
“It won’t stop him,” he pointed out, and Mark stuck his tongue out at him.
“Is it so wrong to want to be happy for you?” he enquired through a sigh.
“At least own up to saying yes,” Gary put in with a smirk and Jason’s lips twisted up at the corners, despite his best efforts to stop them. He glanced down at the floor.
“You know, sometimes even I know a simple answer when I see it, Gaz. Give me some credit,” he said softly. Howard’s eyes shone with a mixture of quiet pride and affection and Gary simply nodded slowly.
“Still not technically an admission but…it’s so bloody obvious at this point I don’t know why I’m bothering,” he said and when Jason looked up at him he smiled gratefully.
“So is it too early to start asking you for details? Because I’m going to need details. Place, time…oh, and clothes, we’re going to have to talk about outfits. Me and Gaz are gonna be at the top table, right?!” Mark babbled and Jason, Gary and Howard all laughed at him, bewildered and amused in equal measure.
“I think he’s giddier than you two,” Gary smiled fondly.
“Debateable,” Howard murmured, only loud enough for Jason to hear, and Jason elbowed him in his ribs for his troubles, glancing up at him in amusement.
“Just be grateful they’ve not noticed that we were obviously in bed at one in the afternoon – you don’t want to get Mark started on that line of teasing,” he warned, eyes gleaming, and Howard chuckled, though he didn’t say anything more.
“I’ve never been that important at a wedding before though – I mean, mates of mine got married but there were always other people who were closer to them so I just turned up on the day, drank the champagne and went home. Jay and Howard are our best mates and our bandmates; if they don’t let me be involved in their wedding then who will?!” Mark was explaining to Gary before turning his eyes to Jason, looking at him beseechingly. “Have you thought about it? At all?” he asked hopefully. “A date at least?” Jason thought for a moment then put down his bowl and pulled himself up to sit on the counter next to Howard.
“I don’t know. But I think…soon.” He glanced at Howard, who caught his look and smiled at him softly and bumped his shoulder affectionately with his own.
“Can I help? I can be your maid of honour? Or…man of honour…or something. I’ll even put in a good word for you with this gorgeous piano player I know called Gary Barlow,” Mark burst out and Jason laughed.
“Breathe, Marko,” Gary said with a grin but Mark ignored him.
“You know I’m good at organising a party. And besides, Jay – I know you and Howard. I bet I could pull off a better wedding for you than anyone else.” Mark shrugged then, his smile deceptively innocent. “Simple. Classic. I’ve got a better eye for detail than anyone else here.”
“You can stop pitching yourself, mate – of course you can help,” Jason told him with a smile and Mark’s eyes lit up.
“Perfect!” he beamed, then suddenly his eyes narrowed. “But how soon is soon?”
“What is this, twenty questions?!” Jason laughed good-naturedly, before glancing at Howard thoughtfully and leaning against him a little. “You know, for once in my life I just want to not worry about something. I just want to know that I’m sure and have that be enough.” He shrugged. “The promises were probably made a long time ago, if I’m honest. The sooner everyone can know they’re there…the more important it’ll make them.” His eyes didn’t leave Howard’s face as he spoke, and Howard suddenly became very aware of the feeling of his heart inside his chest. He smiled quietly at Jason’s words and leant across to press a kiss to his forehead.
“Thank you,” he whispered against Jason’s skin. He didn’t need to tell him he felt the same – Jason knew, instinctively, and the kiss was enough.
“Not to interrupt the moment but…what would you say to me arranging it for two weeks’ time?” Mark’s voice broke in as he rested his chin on his hand and looked over at his friends expectantly. Neither of them looked over at him, simply smiling up at each other knowingly, and Mark couldn’t help but smile at the sight.
“You know what, Mark?” Howard murmured. “I think you’ve got yourself a deal.”
***
Gary glanced over his shoulder to where Jason and Mark were sitting opposite each other on the sofa, both nursing mugs of tea and nestling back amongst the cushions. Mark was chattering away, that curiously intent, delighted look in his eyes that always came over him when he was given the chance to really talk about something he was interested in. Jason nodded thoughtfully as Mark talked at him in his rambling, enthusiastic sentences, contributing the odd counter-argument here and there, his head on one side and a small frown knitting his brow as he listened quietly. There was no trace of any regret or anxiety in his face, no sign there that he had any clue that he had – with a few simple words – let his guard down so completely that it had caught the breath of all three of the other men in the room. Gary sipped at his own tea and leant back against the kitchen counter, watching with a smile as Jason and Mark bickered good-naturedly over some point or another Mark had raised; the two of them were the firmest friends you’d ever find, but they could argue over anything if you let them. Shaking his head, Gary turned back to look at Howard, who was drying the dishes and whistling to himself – the cause of Jason’s quiet declarations just as casual as Jason himself, it would seem. Though the smile on his lips gave away that perhaps he wasn’t as nonchalant as he seemed at first glance, Gary supposed.
“I’m assuming you know just how big a deal it is for Jay to say those things, especially in front of more than just you,” he said quietly and Howard glanced up, his smile shy.
“I know.” He shrugged. “It’s not anything I didn’t know already, really. I suppose that’s the whole point though, you know? The fact we both knew and it was important to us…everyone else should know that too.” Gary nodded slowly, looking back over at Jason for a moment before his eyes turned back to Howard, now turned slightly away from him so as to begin putting away the bowls and cutlery.
“Look, I’ve known Jay a long, long time now, Howard. And I know he wouldn’t let his guard down like that for anyone else – not even me and Mark, not before he met you.” Howard looked back at him and Gary smiled kindly. “But you’re my mate too, ok? One of my best mates. And I know that he means every bit as much to you. So you don’t get the ‘look after my friend lecture’, because I know.” Howard laughed softly and Gary flashed him a grin. “You and Gracie have got a proper diamond there, though, Howard. You’d do well to remember that – that’s all I’m saying.” Gary took another sip of his tea, watching the mix of pride and affection on Howard’s face as he nodded slowly.
“I know. Grace knows. And I’m not saying that it’s all sunshine and rainbows but…I’d rather be in a rainstorm with him than a fucking daisy field with anyone else.” Gary chuckled.
“Good answer,” he told Howard with a grin.
In the amicable silence which had descended over on the sofa, Mark too was thinking back on Jason’s words earlier. He looked over at Jason thoughtfully, head on one side. Jason’s legs were tucked neatly around and he held his mug of tea in both hands, blue eyes shining softly in the late afternoon sunlight. To look at his casual pose, you’d be unlikely to guess just how many thoughts were always pulsing just beneath the surface – Jason was a knot of constant energy, humming quietly, expression always changing, eyes always glinting. Sometimes it was a nervous energy, bound up with tension and worry, but not today. It surprised Mark slightly, though when he thought about it properly he knew that was ridiculous. Howard brought out a lightness in Jason with more ease than anyone or anything else, unleashed in him a brightness and clarity of colour that seemed to blur the boundaries between the moments when Jason felt his guards needed to be up and when they didn’t. He would always be quiet, thoughtful – Mark never wanted that to change. But he relished the way his friend would now laugh so much more easily, confide in him more easily. As Mark watched him, he saw the way he would occasionally glance over at Howard, the way the corners of his lips would twitch up as he looked at him. It was sweet, genuine and honest – and for once Jason didn’t seem to mind the fact that his emotions were there, just waiting for anyone to see. It was the one part of all this that Mark, at least, recognised in himself. That inescapable honesty of feeling – whenever his eyes met Gary’s, a smile would bubble up from him before he could stop it. But that peace, that calmness from Jason’s tone earlier – it escaped him. Mark always hummed with energy too, always moving and feeling the buzz of it beneath his skin. Unlike Jason, though, he couldn’t bring himself to stop that movement, to hold his breath for just a moment – not even for Gary. He was always scared of missing something. Always alert to the possibility that people could move and break and change and leave, but that dreams and moments belonged to him and that he could chase them and choose them and play with them as he pleased. For so long now, his only certainty in life had been a belief that nothing was certain, least of all other people. And he had thought Jason had believed that too; something to do with the time when his father left, Mark suspected, though he never asked Jason about it directly. So what was different now? How was it that Howard could restore his faith in humanity when – as much as Mark loved Gary – his own long-held anxieties wouldn’t seem to go away.
“How can you be so sure?” Mark hardly realised he’d asked the question until Jason glanced over to look at him, his eyes quietly concerned. “It doesn’t matter,” Mark quickly backtracked, looking down into his tea self-consciously, but he could feel Jason’s gaze still on him; blue, bright and curious.
“You’ve always been a strange one, Mark – you know that?” he said softly. There was nothing unkind about the way he said it; it was simply a fond statement from a friend who knew him better than he’d previously realised. “You give so much – you give too much and you burn yourself out. But you never let anyone give you that much back, you’re always backing off at the last minute.” Mark looked up, slightly surprised, and Jason smiled knowingly. “You can learn a lot from just looking and listening, you know,” he told him softly. Mark nodded, smiling slightly despite himself. “All I’m saying is that…I understand not trusting people, believe me I do. But there comes a point where you just have to stop everything you’re doing and take a moment to really think about those people in your life that you want to let in. And you have to decide if you know them, and if what you know is enough for you to feel ok with letting go.” Jason regarded him for a moment. “I know myself. And recently it’s been becoming obvious that…I know Howard. I really know him – who he is, what he’s capable of.” He swallowed. “It’s enough, you know? It’s enough. And it made me look at everyone a bit different, I suppose. But even when everything else goes to hell; I know Howard. I know he’ll still be there just the same. It’s who he is – good and bad and everything in between but…I know him. He’ll always come through.”
A silence descended on the two of them. Mark stared down into his tea and Jason watched him and it wasn’t as uncomfortable as Mark thought it should be.
“I felt that way about someone once. That I knew them better than anyone.” Mark didn’t know why he was volunteering that information but he felt better for having said it. “The problem was that I knew them so well that…I knew that they were a disaster.” He glanced over to the windows and sighed heavily. “Didn’t stop me letting him break my heart, though.” When he risked looking back at Jason, he was surprised to find there was a look of understanding in his eyes, rather than the pity – or worse, judgement – he’d half-expected.
“Everyone’s dealing with something from their past, you know. Even Gaz. It’s not a failure to not be ok just because you’re in love.” Jason’s voice was soft and gentle and the tone of it made Mark feel a little less like he was somehow broken beyond repair for not yet being able to trust the way Jason trusted Howard. He offered a tiny, grateful smile and Jason responded with a tiny nod before sitting back against the cushions slowly, as though nothing had happened at all. He took a long sip of his tea before glancing back at Mark again. “I believe you were mid-way through a monologue on the colour blue?” he prompted, arching an eyebrow. “And something to do with blue roses and baby’s breath and how they’d look with velvet – but honestly? I wasn’t really following.” Mark grinned, barely resisting the urge to launch himself across the sofa and hug him tightly. Instead he just nodded, crossing his legs and leaning forwards ever so slightly.
“The thing about blue, though, Jay…”
***
Two o’clock on Tuesday afternoons in Barlow’s Music Shop were not known for their levels of drama, but rather for their comfortable sense of routine. It was usually Gary’s turn to make the tea, it was Mark’s favourite time of day to stop by to enjoy his break from the cafe and it was Jason’s favourite time to get out his guitar and play a few chords absently as he thought of everything and nothing at all – that was if Howard hadn’t finally surfaced from his bed to come and pass the time with the three of them before picking up Grace or disappearing for some meeting or a long drive to a faraway club. But one thing that had never happened – as far as anyone could remember – at two o’clock on a Tuesday afternoon in Barlow’s Music Shop was the shop’s phone starting to ring. In fact, it was so rare an occurrence on any afternoon that it took at least four rings before anyone present that particular afternoon registered what exactly the shrill sound coming from the piano room was.
Mark and Jason were sitting on the shop’s counter at the time; Jason having set down his guitar to listen for a while as Mark launched into an enthusiastic description of his latest efforts to organise Howard and Jason’s wedding – it turned out that Mark was a valuable asset when trying to plan a wedding in the space of a fortnight, though Jason’s deep-seated need to always feel he had control of the situations around him prevented him from allowing his friend to simply run amok, though he doubted any real harm could have been done if he had. Howard, for his part, was grounded and quiet about the plans when in company – leaning next to Jason on the shop’s counter, his only real concern was that he would be married to Jason at the end of it all, and any and all discussions around that he reserved for when he and Jason were alone, whispering plans and promises in between jokes and kisses, though that wasn’t to say he hadn’t been incredibly specific when it came to music, a fact Jason teased him for mercilessly, but never once made any attempt to change. He’d been daydreaming when the phone had started to ring; the only reason he’d even noticed something was happening was because the murmur of Jason and Mark’s voices beside him suddenly stopped.
Gary was the most alert; his phone-watching of previous days had subsided somewhat, but he hadn’t forgotten it entirely, besides which he was closest to the phone, standing, as he was, halfway between the main shopfloor and the shop’s counter, four mugs of tea in his hands. He stopped in his tracks, eyes wide, and it took a moment for him to realise he needed to put the teas down and make a dash for it before whoever was calling gave up. Seeming to sense his friend’s dilemma, Jason was the first of the four of them to actually move, hopping down from the counter gracefully and coming over to Gary, gesturing for him to hand over the teas quickly. For a moment Gary hesitated, bewildered, before suddenly his brain snapped into focus and he relinquished the four mugs to Jason before turning quickly on his heel and making a dash for the phone.
“He’s panicking,” Jason remarked to no-one in particular, one eyebrow arched, but Mark simply jumped down from the counter and wandered in the direction of Gary’s voice as he answered with a honeyed ‘Hello Barlow’s’ that hid the fact he was slightly out of breath surprisingly well.
Jason and Howard exchanged a glance, shrugging before slowly following Mark’s example, heading for the piano room, Jason setting down the teas on the staircase as they went. When they stepped down into the piano room, Gary was sitting at his favourite baby grand, the phone pressed to his ear, whilst Mark perched on the chair in the corner, desperately whispering for Gary to tell him who was on the line. But Gary’s face was intent and serious and Mark’s efforts came to nothing as he nodded and frowned solemnly, his gaze focused on a point in the middle-distance between them.
“Yes. I see. Right, right.” His head bobbed slightly and the three other men all looked at one another in frustrated confusion before turning their gazes back to Gary. “I understand. Well, that’s perfect. Good. Ok. Well that could be…” Gary trailed off, listening for a moment before suddenly sitting up a little, his expression mildly alarmed. “Wait, do you mean this weekend?” That had Mark, Jason and Howard’s attention immediately, and Mark jumped up from the chair, coming to stand in front of Gary with his arms folded. Jason glanced at Howard, whose eyes were dark and fixed on Gary, even as Gary studiously avoided their gazes. Jason looked back at Gary for a moment, listening as he made a few noises of complaint before pausing to listen to whatever counter arguments were being offered. And somehow he knew, just from taking one look at his friend’s expression, exactly what was going to happen. He sighed and placed a gentle hand on Howard’s arm.
“I’m just going outside for a moment, ok? It’s stuffy in this place,” he whispered. Howard looked at him with concern then, studying his face for a moment before nodding reluctantly.
“Ok. But you know where I am if you need me.” Jason smiled.
“I always do,” he replied, pressing a brief kiss to Howard’s cheek before heading outside.
When Howard turned his eyes back to Gary, he was rubbing his forehead, eyes closed.
“Absolutely.” Gary swallowed and risked the briefest of glances up, wincing as he took in Mark and Howard’s stony faces and Jason’s absence before quickly looking back down at the floor. “Of course. We’ll be there…or I’ll be there. I understand. Thank you. Yes. Bye now.” Gary lowered the phone slowly from his ear, but he still didn’t look up. Howard folded his arms, a heavy frown creasing his face as he leant against the doorframe.
“What are you up to, Barlow?” he asked, his voice low and warning.
“Gaz, next weekend is not a business day. Shop’s closed, band’s booked…Gaz, come on,” Mark said, his voice soft and pleading, and Gary looked up at him sadly.
“Marko-” he began but Mark shook his head, cutting him off immediately.
“No, Gaz. No. Not Saturday, though? You didn’t agree to go then, not when Jay and Howard…” Mark trailed off and let out a long sigh. “Was that the guy from the caff the other week?” he asked carefully.
“It was his office,” Gary admitted. Mark nodded.
“Which day, Gaz?” Howard interrupted then, his voice more steely than Mark’s. Gary bit his lip, flinching slightly.
“Saturday. But, look, she didn’t really give me any-”
“No, Gaz. You had a choice; you had a choice to explain that there were reasons – important reasons – why Saturday was no good.” Howard shook his head. “You didn’t even put up a fight, you know that? Did you not hear your own voice just then?”
“Gaz, you can’t put that on Jay and Howard,” Mark all but whispered.
“Are you seriously expecting us to make that choice? We’re getting married, Gaz, not fucking going down the pub or the shops. This isn’t something we can brush aside – this is our whole lives we’re talking about. Sometimes, just sometimes, there are things bigger than the band!” Howard looked at Gary with piecing, imploring blue eyes and Gary couldn’t bring himself to meet his gaze. He knew how bad it sounded, he knew how it seemed like something he should’ve fought harder for. But he knew the way these chances worked – you had to grasp them, because they might never come around again. He suspected it made him a terrible friend, but Jason and Howard could marry any day they chose, couldn’t they? And it wasn’t as if they strictly needed him there for it. But this chance to meet with a record label? He’d been waiting for this for most of his life – snatching at half-chances for so long had made him quicker to grab on and made his grip stronger.
“So, what is it? A meeting? A performance? A demo? What is it that the guy is offering us that you couldn’t have put off even by one day?” Mark’s voice was quiet and sad – Gary almost preferred Howard’s open anger, because he didn’t think there was anything more crushing than feeling of Mark’s acute disappointment.
“Just a meeting, but it could lead on to something – one of us has to be there, you know? Just to hear him out on what exactly he has in mind,” Gary tried, but Howard let out a sharp, humourless laugh and he quickly swallowed any further attempts to explain, looking up at Howard anxiously.
“I can’t believe I’m hearing this, Gaz. I can’t believe that you think you’re the only one who has ever dreamt of anything in his life.” Howard huffed out a breath, looking down at the floor. “You know what the only thing I can get my daughter to talk about right now is? It’s that this time next week she can tell people that Jay is part of her family.” He couldn’t help but smile as he said it, the smile coming out crooked and sad beneath the weight of his frown. “Look, I know how much music means to you, believe me, I know. But it’s turned on you just as much as people have and you know it – all the knock-backs? All the hassle? And there just comes a point where you have to take a gamble. You just have to throw yourself in with someone and hope that even the tough stuff will be easier as long as you’re doing it with them. There’s bigger things out there, Gary. That’s all I’m trying to say.” Howard’s frown had ebbed away slightly, replaced by a sad, thoughtful expression that bored into Gary uncomfortably. “I know you think this meeting could be that thing you’ve been chasing for so long – but has it occurred to you that I know that marrying Jay this weekend is what I’ve been chasing?” Howard sighed. “What I’m trying to say is that…maybe if you weren’t trying so hard all the time and you actually just looked around you at what you do have then…making the music would be enough – as long as someone somewhere is hearing it, does it really matter whether that’s at Wembley or at a gig down the local pub?” Gary closed his eyes, swallowing hard.
“Howard…I don’t know how to not work for this, I don’t know how to not want it.”
“And that’s not what I’m asking you to do. I’m asking you to realise that sometimes it means more when it’s shared – it makes the laughs better, the memories better. It makes the music better too.” Gary looked up at Howard slowly and Howard shrugged. “If you don’t get that, Gaz, then…I’m honestly not sure I want to be friends with you. Because I’m trying to build a life for myself with people who I trust, and I obviously can’t trust you anymore, can I?” Gary winced, turning away from Howard slightly.
“He’s right, Gaz.” Mark’s voice was so quiet, so small. So unlike him. “You can’t keep doing this, you know? Keep latching on to this stupid, illusive thing of yours and not letting go no matter how many people you lose along the way.” Gary felt Mark sit down beside him, and reluctantly he looked up to meet his eyes. “When we’re singing together in some stupid pub on a Wednesday and there’s only five people in there besides us…and you look up and see Jay there, Howard. Me. Isn’t that the happiest you’ve ever been? Isn’t it better?”
“Mark-” Gary tried but Mark shook his head.
“No, Gaz. Howard’s right. It’s different now. We’re mates but we’re…we’re family too. And maybe one day we’ll be famous and maybe we won’t but…we’re with our best mates making music either way. There’ll be other chances to meet labels, or at least try to. But there won’t be any other chances to have a friendship like ours, to share this important thing with Howard and Jay.”
“I just…can’t,” Gary whispered helplessly, hating the way he felt Mark crumple slightly beside him. “I sorry, but I just…”
“Jay’s always dropped everything for you,” Mark murmured dejectedly.
“Ok. Everybody out.” The three men startled slightly at the sound of Jason’s voice cutting through the quiet; firm but not cross. They hadn’t heard him slip back inside, but when they looked up he was standing on the step down into the piano room, arms folded, blue eyes focused on Gary. “And by everybody I mean Mark and Howard,” he said, stepping down into the room. He casually reached up to give Howard’s arm a gentle squeeze of reassurance as he passed him, but his eyes stayed on Gary, whose head dropped to his hands as he let out a heavy sight.
“Jay-” he began, but Jason interrupted him softly.
“I’m going to talk, you’re going to listen, and no matter what happens at the end of this, the four of us are all going to be friends, ok?” He glanced over at Mark then. “I think your break is almost over, Marko,” he said and Mark jumped slightly, nodding a little too enthusiastically before standing up.
“Yeah, I’d better go,” he agreed, scrambling to locate where he’d left his jacket before making a break for the door.
“I’ll walk you over,” Howard put in, exchanging a glance with Jason, who smiled back at him gratefully. “I’ll be back in ten minutes, ok?” he added and Jason nodded.
“I’ll be waiting,” he replied, giving Howard a quick wink that finally raised an honest-to-goodness smile out of him. He chuckled slightly, nodding to himself as he turned and headed for the door.
As the door shut behind Howard, Gary looked up into Jason’s face. He was still smiling slightly, his eyes on the spot where Howard had been, but when his gaze fell on Gary the smile dimmed, becoming sad and distant. He let out a sigh before coming to sit next to Gary on the piano stool.
“So I take it you’re going to this meeting this weekend? Even if the rest of us don’t?” he asked quietly after a beat. His tone was gentle, kind even, and it took Gary aback slightly.
“Jay, you know-”
“I know,” Jason cut him off quietly. “I don’t agree,” he added, flicking Gary a vaguely amused smile when he noticed his raised eyebrows. “I don’t agree but I do understand. I think that’s what friends are for though, isn’t it?” His eyes shone with mild amusement and Gary couldn’t help but laugh, nodding slightly as he looked down at his hands.
“Apparently.”
“Don’t worry about Mark. You know how bad he is at staying mad at people – he’ll do anything for anyone. And he loves you; you’ll be forgiven before the sun goes down.” Gary smiled as Jason nudged his shoulder gently. “And as for Howard, his bark is worse than his bite. Besides, once he’s married to me I’ll just tell him who he can and can’t forgive and he’s legally required to agree with me.” Gary chuckled.
“Really? Is that written in the law?” he questioned and Jason smiled.
“Howard and me have a code: I’m always right,” he said, eyes glinting. Gary smirked.
“You’re lucky he loves you,” he joked quietly, but Jason simply tilted his head to one side, smothering his smile lightly.
“I know I am,” he agreed, his voice tender.
“Listen, Jay – I am so-” But Jason held up a hand to stop Gary’s words.
“Don’t. You know in all the time I’ve known you, you’ve wanted this. I know you can’t change your whole outlook on life overnight but just…promise me you’ll think about what Howard said, ok?” Gary quirked his eyebrows and Jason shrugged. “You should never forget what it took to get here, where you’ve come here from and how it feels to be here right now – just that alone is amazing. Looking up constantly can be exhausting, you know? And sometimes when you actually get up there and look around, you realise those stars you were looking up at weren’t even real anyway – that you were standing in paradise all along but just didn’t bother looking around you.”
For a moment they sat side by side, Jason’s words hanging between them in the air. Gary closed his eyes and blew out a breath.
“And I suppose if I went and got my notebook to write that down for a possible lyric….you’d throw tea over me, right?” he ventured at last and Jason laughed.
“Maybe. Or maybe I’d give Howard the honour,” he grinned. Then his expression softened and he looked Gary in the eye. “If you go to that meeting on your own…we’re always going to be friends, Gaz, but…I think the band as we know it now? It’d be over. I mean we’ve shared so much for so long but…you not being there on Saturday would just…” he trailed off, glancing away. Gary sighed.
“I’m sorry, Jay,” he said.
“Don’t be. Things change. Besides, the band was your daft idea anyway,” Jason shrugged, raising a half-hearted smile.
Outside, the people of Oldham Street walked by, pretending that it was a normal Tuesday afternoon. But it wasn’t a normal Tuesday afternoon anymore and Gary still had one more question to ask.
“How can you know?” he finally let out, his voice little more than a whisper. Jason smiled softly.
“You don’t. Not really. You just know who that person is, what they’re capable of and you…throw yourself in with them and give them everything you know you are, give them everything you know you’re capable of. It’s a leap of faith. It’s not something that’s safe, necessarily. But it feels it sometimes all the same.”
***
Gary wasn’t sure how long he sat alone with his pianos after Jason left. The sun went down to the sound of his fingers coaxing magic from the baby grand, and it reminded him of the days before Howard, Mark and Jason had slowly become a part of the shop’s furniture, drifting in one by one and slowly filling up every corner with memories and laughter. How many times had he sat beneath the dim orange glow of the back room light, playing rambling melodies on his favourite baby grand – the one piano he never allowed to sell no matter what price was offered – imagining he wasn’t just Gary Barlow in his music shop, but instead some world-famous performer, some celebrated songwriter with arenas full of people whose lives were somehow touched by the melodies and lyrics that swam around in his head on a daily basis. Music was just as natural to him as breathing, but he had always craved more than just listening to it – he’d always wanted it to matter, wanted to feel the magic of a crowd, to know his songs were out there in the world, helping people the way songs had helped him in the past. And for a moment he let himself imagine it again – taking away the presence of his friends, who had slowly come to join him in his imaginings just as they had in his shop. He closed his eyes, briefly, and tried to picture that vast stage of his daydreams, but this time on his own. The crowd still swayed to his music, lights held up like stars in the vast darkness, glittering, each one representing some person out in the world who heard his songs and needed them. But there was only him up on that stage in the spotlight, him and his piano. It felt oddly lonely, even as his body leant into the music he played. He wanted to look across, as he so often did at their tiny little pub gigs, and share a laugh with Howard at some in-joke called to mind by an audience member. Or see Jason and Howard dancing some ridiculous routine with their microphone stands during their last number of the night. Mark bobbing wildly, laughing and gesturing expansively with his arms as he got into the rhythm of their opening song, all excitement and energy, looking over at Gary with that gleeful smile of his. But instead he was alone, his reflection smiling back at him in the polished black of the luxurious grand piano, sitting beneath a spotlight in the middle of an otherwise empty stage.
Abruptly Gary opened his eyes and blinked a few times, trying to clear his head. He let the shop come back into focus slowly, before rubbing his hands over his face tiredly. Was it wrong that he hadn’t minded that much? That he’d still enjoyed the idea of being there, even if he’d missed the company? He bit his lip. He didn’t know how he felt any more, a part of him still tugging at old ideas of what his dreams were whilst some other part of him was stubborn and steadfast, too attached to way that the fun, the laughter, the madness always seemed magnified when they did things as a group. Standing as a four made him feel oddly invincible sometimes – he could take the knockbacks in stride, get up, try again. And just imagine if all that good feeling paid off one day – if they got that success he’d always dreamed of, and they got it together? Everything was always magnified when he had his bandmates by his side, so surely that headiness would be too?
Gary shook his head, trying to suppress the confusion and longing that were warring within him and find some distraction. As he looked around the room, his eyes fell on where he’d set his phone down on the top of the baby-grand – the screen lit up briefly, another text alert flashing on the screen. Gary winced. Mark’s texts had slowly descended from the casual ‘Where are you?’ to the caring ‘Come home’ and he felt a stab of guilt, wondering what the latest plea was. He’d tried to reply a few times but had stopped short of actually sending any of the drafted messages, always feeling like he owed Mark some sort of apology before he spoke to him again, perhaps owed him some sort of explanation. It was the sort of conversation best had in person. Though he had no doubt Mark would have consulted with Jason by now, the two of them probably talking it all out and coming to the same, sad conclusion that Jason had left Gary mulling over all those hours ago: things change, but they would still be friends at the end of it, whatever the outcome. Gary pulled a face. Why did Mark and Jason have to be so nice to him? At least Howard’s outright anger and frustration had made him feel like he had paid his penalties. Mark and Jason’s understanding only served to make him question everything he thought he knew, whilst simultaneously leaving him feeling crushed by the guilt of knowing he was effectively side-lining them from a dream they had shared with him for a long time now.
Letting out a long sigh, Gary finally got up, giving his baby grand one last thoughtful stroke before gathering up his keys and his phone and heading outside. Home to Mark. For all the confusion in his head, there was something comforting about that idea, whether Mark was still disappointed in him or not.
***
Gary was slightly surprised by the welcome he received on his return to the flat; he’d expected something muted, subdued, perhaps a little angry, but definitely cool and quiet. Instead, Mark flew at him before he’d even had chance to toss his keys down – arms were thrown around his neck and kisses were peppered across his face and when Mark finally pulled back he looked up at him with round, concerned eyes.
“Would you please answer your phone, Barlow?! I was worried, you know!” he told him in a fierce rush of breath, his eyes determined, and when Gary blinked at him dumbly, Mark sighed. “You never stay out late and you always call,” he elaborated earnestly, before releasing Gary momentarily. “I’m calling for a Chinese, then we’ll talk,” he said finally, grabbing Gary by the hand and pulling him over to the sofa. Gary, for his part, simply obeyed, unsure if he had the right to disagree with Mark’s plans and scared that if he tried to then suddenly the anger and disappointment he had expected to come home to would suddenly come crashing down on him without warning. As though sensing Gary’s reticence, Mark simply pushed him gently down onto the sofa with one hand, fishing out his phone with the other and, with a surprising grace, managed to dial, clamp the phone between his shoulder and his ear and spin himself around before crashing down next to Gary, grabbing his arm and putting it around his own shoulders. He flicked a look in Gary’s direction that seemed to read ‘just go with it’ and strangely Gary found himself relaxing, his muscles letting go of all the tension he’d been holding onto since that afternoon. And for a while they fell back into familiar patterns; Mark curled up next to him on the sofa whilst they watched bad TV, joking and exchanging arch commentary like nothing had happened to remotely threaten the little world they had built for themselves.
Of course, Gary knew it couldn’t last; they couldn’t just ignore what had happened, and Mark had never once issued a ‘Then We’ll Talk’ warning he didn’t fully mean – because Mark sometimes struggled as much as Gary to actually talk about problems and tended not to want to waste the times he managed to steel himself against a difficult conversation. A part of Gary dreaded the moment coming, but the warmth of Mark’s affection was comforting in its constancy, and it was that which finally gave Gary the courage to bring up the day’s events.
“Don’t you hate me?” he asked softly into the dim glow of the television, keeping his eyes forwards even as Mark shifted beside him, looking up into his face. They were curled together in the corner of the sofa, Mark’s body tucked neatly against Gary’s side, and Gary could feel the depth of Mark’s sigh as his body moved against his own.
“No,” he said quietly. “I don’t hate you. Maybe I don’t like you that much right now but…” Mark trailed off into a shrug. A lock of hair had fallen across his forehead as he glanced down sadly and Gary winced to see that disappointed look from earlier cross his face once more. “Sometimes people don’t even like themselves though, do they? It’s not a crime to not be all-good all the time,” Mark murmured, something flickering in his eyes that Gary couldn’t quite read. “You’re human. And I love you for it – all the time, even when I don’t like you for it. So that’s enough for me.” He looked up at Gary then with a small, soft smile that Gary couldn’t help but reciprocate.
“I wish I could get the whole thing clearer in my head, Marko…I really do. But every time I think I know I can’t do it…I just…” Gary closed his eyes and let out a heavy side. “I don’t know. I just don’t know.” Mark placed a gentle hand on his cheek and reluctantly Gary opened his eyes, his gaze immediately meeting Mark’s, whose expression was sad and sympathetic at the same time.
“I get it, Gaz. You know if anyone was going to get it, it was going to be me. And it’s ok. I promise. Everyone here is going to be ok. You. Me. Howard and Jay.”
“You don’t have to be nice to me, you know.”
“I don’t have to be, but I will be,” Mark told him, his smile suddenly mischievous, and Gary let out a nervous laugh, shaking his head slightly and looking down.
“Jay must hate me,” he murmured and Mark scoffed.
“You know that’s not true – I talked to him, you know? Jay’s not daft. He’s a good mate, too. I know exactly what Jay thinks of you, Barlow. And it’s not changed that much over the past few hours.”
“Yeah, only coz he always knew I was a daft apeth,” Gary shot back with a half-smile and Mark laughed, elbowing him lightly.
“You know what I meant,” he scolded with a grin, eyes dancing. “Come on, Gaz. You know the way it is – we’re your mates. We’re sad that it’s going the way it’s going but…all of us just want you to be ok. To be better than ok: to be happy, you know? And when it comes to us? You’re all that matters to me, ok? So for goodness’ sake, Gary Barlow, see the light on your face and let it shine.” Gary looked into Mark’s face with a disbelieving smile, his eyes bright and grateful, his breath catching just slightly in his throat.
“Are you quoting song lyrics at me, Mark Owen?” he asked after a beat, forehead briefly creasing, and Mark just laughed softly, leaning in so their foreheads touched.
“No. But it’s a song I’ll help you write if you stay in the band,” he offered. Gary was surprised to find that, despite the guilt that pricked in his chest at the words, the sadness and worry was mostly gone. And, as though sensing it, Mark’s smiled at him lopsidedly, giving a small shrug. “There might just be hope for you yet, Gary Barlow.”
***
Howard traced his hand idly along the curve of Jason’s spine, the touch of his fingertips so light that they barely grazed the back of his neck, Jason’s eyes fluttering closed in response, a small, brief smile curving his thin lips. Jason had been quiet tonight, and not the peaceful sort of quiet Howard had grown to know and love. No, he knew Jason too well to buy the calm mask he was projecting. And really, it was a strange game the two of them were playing; Jason knew that Howard knew, Howard knew that Jason knew, and both of them sat in the pensive quiet, knowing each other too well to press the issue, but both too caught up in their own heads to relax. It was the first time since Tuesday that they’d had a chance to be this still, to get lost in their own thoughts; final planning for the weekend and the start of Grace’s Easter holidays had meant that either Mark, Grace or both of them had been constantly buzzing about the apartment, all smiles and determined excitement, a pleasantly distracting hum of movement keeping both Jason and Howard busy and smiling. Each one of their group of four brought something different to the planning; Mark with his natural flare for style and creativity, Jason with his unique ability to organize and his eye for detail, Grace with her quickness and boundless enthusiasm, and then Howard, who was naturally grounded and quiet, always able to keep the bigger picture in check, never losing sight of the fact that, as long as he and Jason were both happy and married come the end of the day, then the day would be a success. Not that he’d been entirely set back from the detail – Jason had had Howard choose the rings; the touching, silent gesture of someone who had spent his whole life determinedly not letting others have control, finally trusting someone enough to take that control but never abuse it. Howard had smiled as Jason had held his gaze – a quiet moment in the chaos that had caused even Mark and Grace to stop, smiling faintly with some vague understanding of what it meant. Jason had winked and turned away and the moment had been over in a heartbeat. But it had mattered.
Howard’s fingertips began to trace their path back down Jason’s spine, light and tender, and Jason flicked a glance up at him, his smile knowing. Howard didn’t meet his gaze, but his smile matched Jason’s and it was enough. Jason gave a small nod and looked away once more, tucking his head back beneath Howard’s chin. Oddly it was Gary’s name which was hanging in the air between them; neither one of them had seen him since Tuesday, Gary’s own anxiety getting the better of him to the point where he felt studiously avoiding them was better than risking seeing anger or disappointment on their faces. Jason had phoned him and Howard had listened to the ten minute conversation curiously, waiting until the fifth of Jason’s frustrated sighs before reaching out to catch him round his waist, pulling him close and pressing kisses to the back of his neck that had ebbed out a little of the tension from his body and made him smile. The conversation had still ended in an apology from Gary that Jason had failed to convince him didn’t need to be said. Howard couldn’t understand Gary’s logic for the life of him; isolating himself when neither Jason nor Mark had asked him to, when even Howard’s own anger had faded, dulled by Jason’s calm logic and the acceptance that their friendship mattered more to him than anything else. Tomorrow night Mark was taking them all out for a meal as they planned to spend the Friday night out in sensible celebration before Saturday’s eruption of company and colour – Gary’s presence was almost sure to be missing, though, and Howard knew how much that played on Jason’s mind. It frustrated him that there was no way for him to fix it. It was the absence in those usually bright eyes of Jason’s that unsettled him the most; bright, alert, and sparkling, Jason’s blue eyes would almost always tell him something, give him hints and clues, reprimands and teases. He sighed and pressed a kiss to the top of Jason’s head, wishing he could offer more but knowing, at the same time, that Jason thought his simple presence and the weight of his arm around him was enough. The feel of their bodies pressed together on the sofa was reassuring in a way Jason couldn’t really put into words and he enjoyed having someone in his life who would let him have his moments of weakness without making the mistake of thinking he was weak. Howard was strong for him when he was tired of being strong, but the way he looked at Jason never changed. It was something Jason had never had before and he relished it.
“Hey, you – are you sure you’re ok?” Howard asked softly after his fingers had traced their way up and down his spine once more. Jason closed his eyes, his smile sleepy but genuine as Howard’s fingers grazed the nape of his neck.
“I’m ok,” he murmured. Howard twisted to look down at him, smiling fondly at the expression on his face, at the way his eyelashes fanned out neatly against his skin and his pink lips curled at the corners.
“You know I don’t believe you, don’t you?” he asked gently, his smile widening briefly when Jason’s laugh vibrated against his ribs.
“I know,” he said quietly, his eyes fluttering open as he leant back to look into Howard’s face. “But you’re here. That makes the not being ok....ok.” He shrugged, his smile wry, and Howard chuckled softly, nodding.
“I really love that brain of yours, but I think it might be having an off day,” he teased and Jason laughed, pulling a face.
“Shut up, Donald. You know what I mean.” He stilled, meeting Howard’s eyes. “I think that’s the whole point, actually.” Howard smiled back at him, pressing a kiss to his forehead before leaning back.
“I guess it is,” he acknowledged softly. His fingers stilled on the small of Jason’s back. “Just so we’re clear: I so love you, Jason Orange.” Jason’s eyes twinkled and he pushed himself up ‘til their faces were close, his lips barely touching Howard’s.
“I suppose you’ll just about do,” he murmured, bringing their lips together for a kiss. When he finally pulled back and their eyes reopened, their gazes meeting immediately, his smile turned soft and thoughtful. “Or maybe – just maybe – I so love you too, Howard Donald,” he breathed.
***
“Oh no you don’t – you can’t make a comment like that and expect me not to ask!” Mark sat opposite Jason and Howard in the corner of one of The White Lion’s squashy, low sofas, the light of the fire casting patterns of shadows across his rounded, open face and catching the light in his eyes. “Are you saying you two actually knew each other already? Because that spoils the entire story of Howard coming into the shop that day.” Jason laughed at him softly.
“I never said we knew each other. I’m saying we’d seen each other. You can’t both be teenage breakdancers in Manchester and not have some friends in common,” he explained, flicking a mischievous glance at Howard before leaning forwards just slightly, the action making Mark instinctively lean forwards too, intrigued. “Honestly? He wasn’t good enough for my crew,” Jason stage-whispered, barely managing to smother his grin and falling easily into laughter when Howard pulled a face at him, smacking him lightly on the arm.
“Oi! I can still jump higher than you and you know it.”
“But you can’t spin on your head for as long.”
“Backflips. I own you on backflips.”
“Hey, no bickering you two, you still haven’t answered my question – how did you know each other?” Mark interrupted the mischievous back-and-forth with a fond roll of his eyes.
“We didn’t know each other. We saw each other, once. And we’re only guessing it was us…if that makes sense.” Howard frowned, seemingly confused by his own statement, and Jason smiled, shrugging idly.
“It’s safe to say Matt didn’t know that many people who’d willingly help him do a paint job on his house for free.” Jason paused then, frowning slightly. “Actually, I take that back – I wasn’t all that willing. I just owed him big. I’d known the guy since I was twelve, and he really knew how to store up the favours. Against me and my brothers – I think all of us owed him at some point.”
“So, what? Howard knew this guy too then?” Mark was just about following, though his face still scrunched up in a show of concentration that made Jason smile.
“Howard was the poor bastard who got stuck dancing with Matt when I left him in the dust for a better crew.”
“I only remember seeing Jay coz I vaguely recognized him; we all knew his about crew – I didn’t know him by name but I was jealous I’ll tell you that much. Course, I’d left all that behind by then. I was picking Matt up for a night out with some of our mates – all I saw of Jay was him covered in paint and walking off down the street.” Howard shrugged. “Neither one of us has Matt’s number anymore though, so we’ll probably never know for sure.”
“He moved down to London and no-one’s seen him since. Sad really – I’m still in touch with almost all the other guys,” Jason remarked quietly. Mark frowned slightly.
“So if you don’t know Matt anymore then how did any of this come up?” he asked and Howard chuckled.
“Jay’s mum still keeps a comprehensive photograph collection of her boys at every age possible. Even the painting and decorating age,” he grinned, looking over at Jason, eyes dancing playfully as he saw him pulling a face. “You look very fetching covered in paint, love,” he added and Jason smacked him playfully.
“This was about five or so months ago now – my mum was actually on a quest to embarrass the other twin. Story of my life,” he remarked, smiling in a way that suggested he didn’t mind his mum’s photograph collection half as much as he pretended to. He glanced up at Howard’s still-laughing face and sighed before turning back to look at Mark with a nonplussed expression “He’s lucky he’s handsome – because otherwise that smug grin of his would really need to be smacked,” he commented dryly, the shine in his eyes betraying him as he shot Howard a knowing sidelong glance. Mark laughed at the two of them, shaking his head and sinking back against the sofa cushions happily.
Mark liked this. Jason and Howard’s easy banter with each other was refreshing after a week of Gary’s tense, apologetic sentences and too-long pauses. He hadn’t realised how much he’d missed the silliness and the laughter that normally passed between them all, the way the friendship between them had created its own shorthand and given them a uniquely safe space to be daft and – more importantly – simply be themselves for a while before having to return to being whatever it was their other friends, families and the rest of the world needed of them. Of course he wished Gary was here to appreciate it too – it wasn’t the same without him, though that didn’t dampen things as much as Mark had thought it might. It was odd to be spending time together, making memories together, and not having him be part of them, so much of their time having been spent in each other’s company for so many years, increasingly so since Howard’s arrival in the shop that day when he and Jason had first begun their game of challenges and teases, still continuing with that same edge of flirtation even today with their wedding just hours away. Mark glanced back up at them then, smothering a laugh as he caught them still bickering, Howard pulling a childish face and Jason shooting him down with a dry remark, their own little dance that Mark had come to know so well. They both looked good tonight – and not simply because Jason’s dark blue shirt brought out his eyes and Howard’s tight black jumper emphasised his broad shoulders and muscular build. There was a happiness and a lightness in their eyes, something relaxed about the way they lay back against the sofa cushions, Jason with his legs tucked under him neatly and Howard sprawling out, his arm along the back of the sofa, reaching just far enough for his fingers to occasionally brush the nape of Jason’s neck and make him shoot playful glares Howard’s way. The two of them had always been able to do that in a way Mark quietly envied; their bodies seemed to move with synchronicity, one unfolding as the other folded and neither really having to think about the action before it was made.
“Alright you two, toast time!” Mark chirped suddenly, pushing down his brief attack of jealousy with a bright, genuine smile. He was roughly ninety percent heart and he would never begrudge his friends their easy happiness; besides, knowing Jason as he did, he couldn’t think of anyone who deserved to feel that peace more.
“And what exactly would we be toasting to, Mr.Owen?” Jason enquired, his head dropping lazily back against Howard’s arm. Howard’s fingers brushed his ear and he pulled a face, batting him away. His eyes were smiling despite his show of annoyance and Howard smirked quietly to himself. Mark smothered a grin and tilted his head to one side, as though thinking very carefully before choosing what to toast to. Suddenly his eyes lit up and he leant forward mischievously, his grin lighting his whole face.
“You know what? I propose a toast to the series of wonderful embarrassments your brothers are going to subject you both to when we get to the speeches tomorrow,” he declared in a sing-song tone, and Howard and Jason let out matching groans, Jason rolling across slightly to bury his face in Howard’s chest, the two of them laughing softly despite themselves.
“I’m locking Justin in a cloakroom.” Jason’s voice was muffled by Howard’s chest but it was still possible to hear the amusement at its edges and Mark laughed brightly.
“Oh I’m going to have so much fun tomorrow,” he declared, flopping back on the sofa with a triumphant grin. Jason tilted his head to look over at him – his mouth was still curved in an amused smile even as he narrowed his eyes at Mark playfully.
“You’re an evil little pixie, you know that?” he remarked. Howard’s arm fell softly around Jason’s shoulders and he dropped a kiss to the top of his head.
“Maybe we should lock Mark in a cloakroom too. Teach him a lesson,” he suggested, a glint in his eye, and Jason arched an eyebrow.
“Now I remember why I agreed to marry you,” he chuckled as Mark let out a yelp of protest.
“I take it back – we can toast to something else!” Jason and Howard laughed and Mark grinned back at them, sitting up again and making a delighted ‘oo’ noise as a thought occurred to him. “In fact – Grace and me are more or less running the show tomorrow, right?” he clarified. Howard and Jason both tipped their heads in acknowledgement and Mark shrugged as though his point were proved. “Well in that case your brothers won’t get the chance to make any toasts. Promise. Call it my wedding present,” Mark said with a nod. “And on that note: I have an idea for a much better toast.” He raised his glass and waited as Howard and Jason exchanged a glance before slowly pushing themselves up to pick up their own glasses and hold them up slightly. “I say we toast to inexplicable attractive music shops,” Mark beamed and Jason and Howard laughed.
“And don’t forget, Marko; their very explicable attractive shop assistants,” Howard added with a grin as the three of them clinked their glasses together and sealed the toast.
***
Gary jumped as the sound of the front door closing stirred him from his sleep, the sudden movement sending the remote tumbling to the floor as he blinked himself awake, tentatively pushing himself upright just in time to see Mark perform a complicated half-skip step as he came into the room, his eyes shining with a mixture of glee and a little bit too much wine. He offered Gary a genuine smile as he threw himself down onto the cushions next to him, letting out a sigh that was part-contentment, part-exhaustion.
“I take it you had fun then?” Gary asked through a yawn, vaguely amused as Mark let out a happy hum, his eyes closing.
“Mm, we all did. Them two were already bickering when I arrived, something about who was the best as some obscure dance move or other, I don’t really know. But we got to talking, and by the end of it, I had the true story of how they really met.” Mark opened his eyes, waggling his eyebrows for emphasis. “Now you wish you’d come, don’t you,” he smiled.
“How they really met?” Gary frowned, confused, but Mark simply chuckled softly, patting his arm before closing his eyes once more, letting out a heavy sigh.
“We missed you, you know,” Mark said quietly after a beat. Gary swallowed.
“Even Howard?” he asked pointedly and Mark opened one eye to issue a half-hearted glare.
“You know he did – he’s not really angry. He just wants Jay to be happy, that’s all. The thing you need to remember about Howard is that he’s basically just a police dog. He can attack you, and he probably will if you do something wrong – but only on Jay’s command.” Mark shrugged. “The rest of the time he’s actually as soft as they come. And anyway, you know he’d probably drive you to that meeting himself if Jay asked him to.” Gary chuckled.
“You sure about that?”
“Positive, Gary Barlow.” Mark yawned, curling up and resting his head on Gary’s shoulder with a sleepy sigh. “I think you’re his best friend, actually. After Jay. If you’d been around the past week you’d see. And whatever happens tomorrow, you know…you’ll have to face up to it someday. What’s it say about your choices if you can’t bear them before they’re even made?”
***
Howard woke up to the pale, bluish pre-dawn light of the Manchester sky. He was stretched out across the bed, aware of the space beside him even as he struggled to push the fog of sleep from his mind. As he rolled over, he blinked slightly into the semi-darkness of the room, his eyes falling immediately on where Jason stood, silhouetted against the window, his arms wrapped around himself as he stared outwards. The light hit the lines of his handsome face in a curious way, making his eyes seem grey and casting him in peculiar shadows. His thin lips were curved into a line that wasn’t quite a smile, and he looked gorgeous in that strange, colourless light. Slowly Howard pushed himself out of the bed, coming to stand behind Jason and wrapping his arms around his waist, pressing a kiss to his bare shoulder before resting his chin there. His eyes were on the skyline, but he sensed Jason’s smile all the same, felt the way he leant into him slightly in a silent gesture of ‘Hello You’.
“Penny for your thoughts,” Howard whispered and Jason turned his head to look at him, eyes sparkling lightly.
“Is that all they’re worth to you, Howard Donald?” Howard chuckled, squeezing him a little tighter and lifting his head to press a brief kiss to Jason’s lips.
“You know you could name any price and I’d pay,” he whispered back, leaning their foreheads together. Jason’s smile softened.
“You really don’t have to work that hard for me,” he said, the playful edge to his voice a contrast with the way he looked so determinedly into Howard’s eyes as he spoke.
“Then talk to me,” Howard told him softly, stealing another quick kiss for good measure.
“I was just thinking about it all. You and me.” Jason shrugged. “The way it feels like the safest thing in the world and the biggest gamble at the same time…and yet I just can’t bring myself to be worried about that.” Howard smiled slightly and Jason caught his eye, matching his smile immediately. “All in. On the condition you’re all in too – this isn’t what the people on TV tell you love is about, you know? I’m not going to pretend I don’t need everything back from you, because I do.” Jason turned in Howard’s embrace, cupping his face in his hands and meeting his eyes earnestly. “That’s the offer here, Donald. And I just need to know we both understand it.” Howard brought his own hands up in mirror of Jason’s gesture, his thumbs pressing lightly at Jason’s skin as he looked into his eyes, his own blue eyes bright in the half-light of their bedroom.
“It’s already a done deal, Jay. I took your offer a long time ago and you took mine too, ok?” he murmured, his lips twitching up when he saw Jason’s knowing smile.
“Ok,” Jason whispered back, tipping his head up just enough to capture Howard’s lips with his own, pulling him into a drawn out kiss.
***
Gary scrunched up his face as an abrupt burst of sunlight was allowed to enter the room, falling across his face and invading his sleep. He slowly brought his arm up to his face for protection, squinting experimentally out into the room and trying to let his eyes adjust to the light. From what he could tell from behind his arm, Mark seemed to be the culprit; or at least, someone small and Mark-shaped could be seen in silhouette, yanking the curtains open purposefully before executing a neat spin on his heel, turning to face Gary suddenly, hands on hips. It was only at this point that it occurred to Gary that he was still on the sofa, and slowly he lowered his arm from in front of his face, looking blearily around the living room before his eyes came to settle once more on Mark, who was watching him in mild amusement.
“Rise and shine, Barlow – there’s a world out there and it’s waiting for you,” he declared, coming over to the sofa and allowing Gary to see his expression more clearly. He was smiling – a wide and excited grin – and his eyes were bright and glittering. Gary couldn’t quite bring himself to share in the joys of daybreak, groaning slowly and pushing himself into a sitting position.
“What time is it?” he asked through a yawn and Mark rolled his eyes affectionately.
“Early. But we both have busy days so I thought I should wake you up before I left – I thought you might oversleep otherwise.” Gary looked up at his still-beaming face and shook his head in mild disbelief.
“Alright, Marko – own up: what are you taking and where can I get some?”
“I’m just high on life, Barlow,” Mark shrugged, tilting his head to one side. “Happy for the sake of being happy – and spending the day with some of my best mates in the world tends to give me a lift, you know?” Gary nodded, looking away, and Mark sighed. “I’m taking the chance to just spend a day not worrying about the bigger stuff and concentrating on the things that make all the other stuff bearable. You should try it – you never know, you might like it.” Gary nodded again, his lips forming a tight line before he blew out a breath.
“Ok, so what time is it exactly?” he asked, finally looking up. “Stop being cagey and just tell me so I know how much sugar I’m going to need in my tea if I want to function. Why did I even need waking up exactly?!” Mark arched an eyebrow.
“Blimey, Barlow – how deeply asleep were you?” he asked, chuckling when Gary shot him a half-hearted glare. “What time is your train?” Mark added, his voice softer, and Gary scrunched up his face in concentration. “Never mind; I’ve booked your taxi already anyway. You’ve still got two hours before you have to go anywhere. I’ve got to go in about ten minutes though, so if you have any messages you want passing to the happy couple then now would be a good time.”
“No, first things first, Owen; now is a good time for tea. No heavy conversations before I’ve had my tea, please,” Gary insisted, slowly getting to his feet and making his way towards the kitchen. He heard Mark chuckle behind him, following him through to the kitchen where he hovered in the doorway as Gary made a beeline for the kettle. Gary could feel his eyes on his back as he fussed with the tea, but he couldn’t bring himself to turn around and meet his gaze.
It had occurred to him – somewhere between waking up and Mark informing him that his taxi was booked – that this was probably going to be his life in the future, if his meeting later went well and he really pursued all his music dreams without the rest of the band. Always on the outskirts, always pulling in a different direction to the rest of them – the odd one out, missing out. Perhaps, on the surface, this choice he was making was simply whether to go to a meeting on behalf of the band or whether to go to the wedding of two of his best friends. But they all knew if he turned up at the meeting alone then it would be perceived that he was a separate entity to the rest of the band, a prospect to be considered alone and brought on without them. Calling to cancel or insist on a meeting some other day would have been a strong message, it was the message Mark, Jason and Howard had all been willing to present. It would have showed more than just a united front and a sense of them being a team – it would have also been a statement of intent, a show of them believing in their band and their music enough to trust that another chance would come, that their shared memories were more important and anyone willing to overlook that could be passing up on something special. He was surprised to find that, the more he thought about it, the more he feared that, beneath the bluster and the determination, he was just a somewhat self-absorbed little coward who couldn’t make the leap of faith that was required of him. And yet, there was something pulling at him, something he couldn’t place. A nagging doubt that maybe he wasn’t actually that person anymore – that knowing these three men as he did and spending time with them had begun to change him for the better, giving him some of his bravery back after all those knockbacks of the past.
He took a deep breath and turned around. Mark had moved away from the doorway now, standing over by the kitchen table instead, studying a ramshackle collection of items which had been gathering on the kitchen table over the past couple of days as his efforts to put the finishing touches to Jason and Howard’s wedding had been stepped up. Gary took the unguarded moment as a chance to look at Mark – really look at him, that is. He was stunning in the soft gold hues of the morning sun that danced around their kitchen; those eyes of his were so eager and bright, the soft lines of his face were friendly and expressive and he seemed to hum with energy. There was always something so restless about Mark, but today all that energy seemed to have found a place – a place that wasn’t a studio or a stage, the only other times Gary had ever known Mark suddenly seem so at ease. The friendship between the four of them had somehow changed all of their places in the world, given all of them something that they had hardly noticed had been missing before but now was fundamental to the way they lived their lives. Mark seemed willing to test that, to take the risk of trusting that to be enough. Gary wondered if he dared do the same.
“You’ll give ‘em my love won’t you? Tell ‘em congratulations from me,” he said quietly at last, and Mark looked up with a kind, quiet smile.
“You know, you could just tell ‘em yourself if you got dressed quick enough…come with me to their place for a half-hour or so? You’d still be back in time for your taxi.”
“Markie…” Gary started sadly, trailing off as Mark sucked in a breath, waving a dismissive hand and blinking rapidly, trying to find something to busy himself with, his hands settling on the buttonhole on the table in front of him. He picked it up and played with it, his eyes down, and Gary watched him, waiting for some sort of plea or reprimand. But one never came. Instead Mark simply nodded to himself, biting down on his lip.
“Ok.” He swallowed, looking up at Gary with a small smile. “Well, I’ve got to get going anyway. So…I’ve picked out an outfit for you – it’s out on the bed. Don’t bother trying to style yourself, Barlow, you know it’d be hopeless.” His face cracked into a small grin and he crossed over to stand in front of Gary. “You look after yourself in London, ok? And call me later. Me, Jay and Howard will all have our phones on – we talked about it and we want to know.” Mark placed his hands on Gary’s chest and met his eyes. “Now, give me a kiss, you big lump,” he said, determinedly, and Gary chuckled, obligingly planting a lingering kiss against Mark’s lips before pulling him up against him in a firm hug.
“I love you,” he told Mark quietly and Mark squeezed him a little tighter.
“And I love you too.”
No more than five minutes later, Gary found himself standing alone in the kitchen, staring into space as he listened to the sound of Mark driving away. With a heavy sigh he forced himself to move, picking up his mug of tea and heading for the bedroom to inspect what outfit Mark had laid out for him. As he came into the room he was surprised to see not one, but two outfits neatly laid out on the bed: the first a carefully arranged collection of clothes Gary recognised from his own wardrobe lying loose, the second lying inside an unzipped garment bag and clearly not an outfit Gary had seen before. He came closer and looked at the second outfit more carefully and, slowly but surely, he began to realise exactly what this second outfit had been put there for. It was a sharp suit, well-cut but not overpoweringly formal, a modern, trendy edge that screamed Mark Owen Chose This and made Gary smile. The shirt was crisp, white and classic and the waistcoat and tie that had been laid out with it were a rich, navy blue in colour and the tie’s material seemed to shimmer in the light that came through the bedroom window. The ensemble was a near-perfect match to the outfit Mark had left in, the only difference being that Mark’s had been complimented with a bowtie rather than the conventional necktie that lay on the bed before Gary.
The short time since that Tuesday afternoon call had been a whirlwind. But somewhere in the middle of all of it, Gary could still hear Jason’s voice, crystal clear and as crisp as if he were in the room. Looking up constantly can be exhausting, you know? And sometimes when you actually get up there and look around, you realise those stars you were looking up at weren’t even real anyway – that you were standing in paradise all along but just didn’t bother looking around you. And suddenly Gary felt exhausted. Suddenly he knew exactly what Jason meant about not forgetting exactly what he had lost and gained in all the time he’d been fighting for his music. Suddenly he couldn’t help but wonder if any of the losses came close to the significance of his greatest gain from it all: three friends, who understood all his stories and his failings and his music and stood by him for it all. Slowly, he walked over to his bedside table, picking up his book of lyrics and holding it tightly for a moment, indecision briefly wracking him before he pushed it away and began to flick to the pages of the notebook to where he’d written down Jason’s little speech. Key words and phrases were underlined, a jumble of half-finished threads of lyric and melody ideas scribbled in the margins. He chewed his lip. There was a song in there somewhere – but the question was: was it a song he was willing to sing on his own?
***
Howard looked up from his laptop with a smile as the sound of Grace’s laugh caught his attention. He looked over to the breakfast bar, where Grace was sitting on one of the high stools, Jason standing opposite her, leaning against the counter so that their faces were level. They were both smiling, Jason’s eyes dancing mischievously as the two of them huddled together conspiratorially. From the beginning, Jason and Grace had forged a friendship between them that Howard knew was entirely independent of him; being an only child – and his and Vicky’s situation being as it was – Grace was used to being treated as an equal, spoken to as an unofficial adult and included without question, though very few adults outside her immediate family seemed to know quite how to do that – and yet it had never seemed to have occurred to Jason to treat her as anything less, instinctively viewing her as more than bright enough to cope with it and offering her a genuine respect that she had recognised immediately. Young as she was, Grace was still fiendishly sharp and had gone out of her way to put an abrupt end to more than one of her parents’ relationships in her time, but it had never been a question with Jason; perhaps the only question had been whether she would allow Howard and Jason to decide for themselves that they wanted to be together, or whether she simply wouldn’t stand for them deciding anything different.
“Oh, is that what you think?” Jason’s voice was bright and teasing and Grace’s smile was unapologetic. She swung her legs back at forth, resting her chin on her hand – the very picture of innocence if it wasn’t for the mischievous smile she was flashing in Jason’s direction as she shrugged.
“Maybe,” she shot back and Jason narrowed his eyes at her.
“Maybe, is it? Well do you want to know what I think?” When Grace simply pursed her lips, Jason smiled, leaning in a little closer. “I think you should really be nicer to the guy in charge of which table you get to sit at later,” he remarked, arching an eyebrow. “I mean, I could put you with your grandma and all the little kids, if I wanted to. But maybe if you were willing to do me a favour, it could be arranged for you to sit with your dad and Mark and me.” Jason leant back with a cheerful smile and Howard bit back a laugh. “Your choice, Gracie. But I know what I’d choose if I were you.” Grace giggled even as she feigned a gasp.
“You’re so mean,” she told Jason without a hint of conviction.
“I know, it’s amazing isn’t it?” Jason replied with a sly wink and Grace simply stuck her tongue out at him, clearly out of retorts. It wasn’t often his daughter was outmanoeuvred and Howard was impressed – even Jason seemed to relish the victory, giving Grace a knowing little nod before handing over something to Grace that made her sit up a little straighter, her smile suddenly turning excited yet determined. “Just promise me you’re not as bad at remembering where you put things as your dad is,” Jason told her with a soft smile and Grace simply beamed, taking whatever it was Jason had handed her and swiftly jumping down from where she had been sitting. As she did so, Howard finally worked out what it was in her hand – a long, silver necklace chain from which hung three rings: his and Jason’s simple wedding rings (silver, the outer edges a high-polish finish that flanked a satin-finished centre) and, beside them, the ring which they had decided would be given to Grace (a pretty, simple ring of dark, sapphire-coloured stones which twinkled as they caught the morning sunlight.) Jason and Howard had both agreed that the gesture – small as it was – was important, as much a part of their day as their own rings because it represented an acknowledgment that his and Jason’s promises weren’t only to each other. Grace slipped the long chain around her neck with a soft smile, letting the rings clink together as the chain fell into place.
“Ok, now I’m ready,” she told Jason, who gave her a nod to show he was impressed. Her dress was simple; navy blue, a vaguely Grecian hint to the way the top of it was pleated and slowly gathered up from its sash into two elegant straps – it fell just above her knees in a crinoline hem and she swished the fabric happily, turning once on the low heel of her strappy black sandals. Her hair was mostly loose but for a barrette of dark blue roses and baby’s breath that pulled back a swathe of her wild curls from her face, and when she moved her curls all bounced with her.
“Beautiful,” Jason smiled, tilting his head to one side. “But you know Mark Owen isn’t going to let you out-dress him, don’t you?” he added and Grace simply twirled again, her curls flying out behind her as she did.
“We’ll see,” she replied happily. Howard smothered a grin and pretended to be looking back down at his laptop, where a series of work emails filled the screen. He continued to type out a blanket ‘Out-of-office’ email to reply to them all, shaking his head slightly as he did so.
Just as Howard was pressing send, Mark emerged from the corridor – he’d redone his hair since they had last seen him, now having swept it up off his face, and he seemed ridiculously pleased with his efforts. In one hand he was carrying a cardboard box that Howard eyed suspiciously, whilst in the other hand he was holding a tatty notebook that Howard suspected held more information and planning about the day ahead than either he or Jason was aware of. Mark waved the notebook in the air vaguely as he hopped up to sit on the stool at the breakfast bar Grace had just vacated.
“I don’t want to boast, but everything is running so ahead of schedule at this point that I could go down to the shops, buys us all new outfits, redo my hair, and we still wouldn’t be late,” he announced happily. Jason regarded him for a moment before shaking his head fondly, folding his arms.
“Marko, you do realise you look more done up for this than Howard and me put together,” he pointed out, and Mark pulled a face.
“Not my fault that me and Grace know how to dress up proper, Jay,” he informed Jason with an unapologetic grin and Jason chuckled.
“Well maybe if you’d relinquish the buttonholes,” he pointed out and Mark smirked.
“All in good time, Jay,” he said, his voice oddly cryptic, and Jason glanced over at Howard, meeting his eyes immediately. They shared an amused look before Howard shrugged and laughed, mirroring the gesture. “I’ll finish sorting you two out when we get there – but for now we need to work out whose car we’re going in.”
“Jay’s,” Howard cut in decisively, standing and coming to join the others over by the breakfast bar. Mark quirked an eyebrow.
“Even though Jay’s is the smallest car?” Mark frowned. Jason smiled knowingly.
“Jay’s might be the smallest car, but Jay is the only one here who I trust to drive right now,” he said dryly, eyes glittering as he met Howard’s gaze. Howard chuckled but Mark pouted.
“You mean you don’t trust me?” he asked, trying to look hurt despite a smile lingering in his eyes.
“No. But it’s nothing personal – I just know how you get when you’re excited,” Jason told him, shrugging. “Now are we all ready to go?”
“Yes!” Grace said brightly, bouncing on her heels, and Howard laughed, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her into a hug against his side.
“Well in that case, let’s go,” Jason declared.
***
Gary was on the platform when that nagging feeling in the back of his mind finally managed to break through; if this doesn’t make me happy, why am I doing this? He looked around him, his eyes falling on the only other solo-travellers he could see. To his left slouched a morose teenager who was biting at his nails – he had headphones in his ears and a guitar case at his feet and the expression on his face was somewhere between anger, despondency and pain. Standing in front of him, close to the platform’s edge, a harried-looking man in a business suit made excuses to someone on the other end of his mobile phone, his voice a tired, pleading sound but his expression that of a man who wasn’t really listening to whichever loved one it was he was evidently letting down. And then, way off to the right of the platform, Gary could make out a lone figure who he dimly recognized. He watched the man for a moment; his head was low, his jacket collar pulled up high, his shoulders slouched. And then finally it came to Gary; he had seen the man on TV once, a long time ago. A singer – some one-hit wonder who the press had greatly enjoyed mocking when his second album had come out to painfully embarrassing sales figures. Gary winced and looked away. It was tough enough in the music industry, but being out there all by yourself? He drew in a breath and shook his head. Looking up constantly can be exhausting, you know? And sometimes when you actually get up there and look around, you realise those stars you were looking up at weren’t even real anyway. Gary blinked, and looked around.
“I don’t have to do this,” he murmured to himself, as though it was some great revelation. And, in truth, to him it was. He glanced down at his watch and did a quick sum in his head before standing abruptly. “I don’t have to do this,” he said again, turning suddenly and heading for the platform exit, ignoring the concerned glances he received from the woman and child who had been sitting next to him.
***
“You still got the rings, kiddo?” Grace spun around at the sound of a voice behind her, the chain around her neck chinking dramatically as she whirled around to face Jason’s twin brother Justin. She had been on her way back to the room where Mark, Howard and Jason were taking the time to enjoy a little peace before the ceremony began and she hadn’t been expecting to encounter anyone else on her journey – not that it took her long to recover herself, easily mustering mild indigence at Justin’s question. She liked Justin – he wasn’t her favourite of Jason’s many siblings but usually he had the sense not to question her too much, perhaps because he, like Jason, instinctively knew better, or perhaps simply because Jason had warned him, she didn’t know for sure.
“Of course I have,” Grace huffed, her hand clasping around the rings which were still swinging wildly from the chain around her neck, and Justin chuckled, holding up his hands in mock surrender.
“Sorry, I forgot,” he said, shaking his head slightly. “I can see why you and Jay get on so well, you know that? That’s the exact same look he gives me when he thinks I’ve just asked a really stupid question,” he added, amused, and Grace smiled, feeling oddly proud. “Hey, listen, before I get back to ushering, can I ask you something?”
“Ok…” Grace agreed cautiously, brow furrowed. Justin edged a little closer.
“What exactly is going on with Gary? Jay won’t be drawn but his best mate not showing up to his wedding seems like a bit of an oversight to me.” Grace folded her arms.
“You can’t fool me; if Jason didn’t tell you, it’s because you’re not allowed to know,” she declared with a smug grin and Justin narrowed his eyes at her, letting out a slightly disbelieving laugh.
“We’re definitely going to need to talk to your dad about you spending less time with my twin, you know that? Because this is getting spooky,” he remarked, winking at her before glancing back over his shoulder and letting out a long sigh. “Fine, I’ll go back in there and see if dad’s here yet.” He stretched his arms out above his head as if preparing for battle. “Later, kiddo.”
Grace watched Justin disappear back into the room where the ceremony was going to take place, a grin on her face. She waited until the door closed behind him before she spun on her heel, launching back into her half-run half-skip from before as she hurried along the corridor, returning to her previous mission. She was just starting to gain momentum when suddenly her body collided with someone else’s and she thudded to an abrupt stop. Whoever it was caught her easily, and Grace slowly looked up into their face, about to apologize until she saw exactly who it was she had collided with.
“Gary!” she exclaimed, a delight in her eyes that seemed to surprise Gary greatly. Seeing his bewildered expression, Grace chose not to reveal the fact that both Jason and Mark had told her to look out for Gary trying to sneak in at the back. She regarded him carefully for a moment, looking him up and down. He was wearing a suit that matched Mark’s perfectly, though his body language was awkward and he wrung his hands together nervously. Grace suppressed her grin as best she could; she had strict instructions to send him Jason and Mark’s way if he appeared, and she had no intention of letting either of them down. “That way, down the corridor, door on the left,” Grace told him simply and Gary stared at her a moment. She simply rolled her eyes and took him by the hand, leading him in the direction she’d been intending to go anyway.
Gary had felt a lot like a rabbit in the headlights when he had seen Grace Donald coming barrelling towards him. Having avoided attracting any attention at the venue’s reception, he’d been expecting to be able to smoothly and quietly slip into the back of the ceremony just before it started, not attracting the attention of any of the Orange or Donald clans and hopefully avoiding any questions as to why he wasn’t – like Mark – more heavily involved in proceedings. Now, as Grace pulled him (with surprising force) towards where he suspected Jason, Howard and Mark to be, he suddenly became very aware of the fact that he had made no plan for being confronted by the three people whose disappointment and judgement he had successfully dodged for days. It was one thing to decide you were sorry, it was another thing to try and explain yourself and issue that apology in words that were worthy of forgiveness.
When they finally came to the door Grace had indicated, Gary barely had time to draw in a breath before she’d knocked, the sound of Mark’s voice calling back something that sounded like ‘Come in’ barely registering to him in the panicked haze of his brain. Grace glanced at him, clearly amused, before opening the door and pulling him inside behind her.
As soon as he was into the room, Grace let go of him, skipping over to her dad who smiled down at her, lifting her up into a hug. Jason was standing next to him, arms folded, clearly having stopped talking mid-sentence, eyes bright and curious as he regarded Gary carefully, his smile giving nothing away. And, standing just apart from the two of them, was Mark, a cardboard box in his hands that he had just begun to lift the lid off when Gary appeared. Mark was the first to break the spell of silence that had fallen on them, launching himself at Gary, all his earlier excitement undiminished. He flung his arms around Gary’s neck, and Gary was too glad to feel his immediate affection being bestowed upon him to notice the painful angle at which the cardboard box in Mark’s hand was now jabbing into his back. Over Mark’s shoulder, Gary could see Jason chuckling, exchanging an unreadable glance with a smiling Howard before leaning in to murmur something to Grace.
“Good work, kiddo.” Gary’s eyes widened in slight surprise; did that mean Jason had been expecting him after all? He looked to Howard for some sort of confirmation, and Howard simply shrugged – as best he could with Grace still in his arms – giving Gary a wry grin.
“Nice of you to show up, Barlow,” he said, no hint of annoyance in his tone.
“I’m so glad you made it in time, Gaz. Really,” Mark agreed, finally freeing him from his embrace and smiling up at him winningly.
“Any words of wisdom for us?” Jason enquired, arching one eyebrow, and Gary let out a slightly anxious laugh.
“Lads,” he said, as though the word alone was a plea. “I’m an idiot – does that make you all happy?” Gary swept his gaze across the three men, eyebrows raised, and he was relieved when all three of them shot him amused grins. “Look, I…I am so sorry. For this past week, for not getting my act together sooner, for showing up last minute and just expecting it to all be ok…” Gary shook his head as he trailed off, letting out a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding. “Sometimes I forget that the end-goal doesn’t have to be the be-all and end-all…and honestly, I would rather try and fail but still have what the four of us have at the end of it than keep on fighting blindly on my own. Because I remember what that was like…and it nearly killed me.” Gary looked down, shrugging awkwardly. “So…if you still want me, I’m here. And if you want me to take the lead I will but...I’m not doing it alone anymore.” He risked a glance up and immediately met Jason’s eyes. “There’ll be other days to go to London and dream. Today I just want to make memories with my best mates.” He cast a sidelong glance at Mark, who winked at him knowingly, wrapping an arm around his waist and pressing a kiss to his cheek.
“What do you say, Grace – you think we should let him stick around?” Jason asked playfully. Howard chuckled as Grace pretended to mull it over, he and Jason exchanging knowing looks over the top of her head.
“Remember who gives you free piano lessons on the side, kiddo,” Gary grinned and Grace laughed, looking at Jason and giving him a nod.
“Ok. He can stay.” Jason laughed.
“Looks like you’re in luck today,” Howard remarked before glancing at Mark. “Marko, I think you should do the honours.” Gary frowned, confused as Mark let out a sudden, gleeful gasp and broke away from him, turning his attention back to the cardboard box he was holding. Gary’s expression cleared into one of understanding when Mark lifted the lid to reveal one buttonhole consisting of a dark blue rose and baby’s breath. He looked over at Jason, who shrugged – Gary’s eyes caught on the matching buttonholes worn by the other occupants of the room then and he raised his eyebrows in surprise.
“Every now and again, I like to be an optimist,” Jason said softly, and Gary chuckled.
“Thank you,” he replied, letting Mark pin the buttonhole to his jacket.
***
It didn’t take long for Mark to begin fussing. Everything around Gary had seemed to click back into place in a blink, and before he knew it, Mark had disappeared from his side to go and tidy Grace’s hair. Jason – having re-pinned Howard’s lopsided buttonhole to his jacket before allowing Howard himself to take a phone call from a hopelessly lost friend – had settled himself calmly on a chair in the corner, and Gary had drifted over to join him, sitting down on the chair next to him slowly and joining him in surveying the scene. Jason and Howard were both dressed smartly, without their outfits seeming overly formal – it was fitting somehow that there was still that casual air about them even now, a much fairer representation of the two of them than if they’d been forced into over-the-top formal suits. Instead they were both in sharply cut jackets in a crisp navy blue velvet, the trim in sleek, satiny black. Beneath their matching jackets they wore simple white shirts, the first two buttons left unbuttoned, the collars open. It was simple. It was right.
As Gary looked over at him, Jason tilted his head to one side, his smile amused as Mark and Grace began bickering about something – it occurred to Gary for the first time since he’d got here just how incredible calm he seemed, how his quiet seemed less protective and more contented than Gary had expected. Jason was a great thinker and Gary had somehow assumed that that, on a day like today, would surely lead to him fretting. Jason seemed to feel Gary’s eyes on him then, glancing over, eyes dancing.
“You do know my mum has already given me the parental ‘are you sure’ speech, right? I don’t need you fretting over me and all,” he commented with a grin and Gary laughed.
“Is that so?” he asked and Jason simply smiled quietly.
“I think you should know better than anyone, Barlow,” he replied, eyes going back to Howard, who spotted him immediately and grinned back, nodding his head at his phone and rolling his eyes. Jason chuckled. “His friend Joel. Could get lost just crossing from one side of a room to the other,” he explained idly. “For some reason I’ve not managed to convince him to ditch his old friends just because the ones I’ve found for him are better,” he added with a mischievous grin that forced a soft laugh out of Gary.
“Maybe it’s Howard I should be giving the ‘are you sure’ speech too, then,” he teased, and Jason rolled his eyes theatrically.
“Try if you like, Barlow, but between us, me and Grace own him. And he knows it.” Gary and Jason exchanged a look and both quickly broke into laughter. For a moment they sat in silence, both watching as Mark and Grace’s bickering turned into a serious discussion of something, their expressions matching suddenly. “You are aware that Mark has already picked out a puppy for the two of you?” Jason asked into the quiet. Gary let out a soft chuckle and rested his head against the back of the chair with an amused sigh.
“I wasn’t, no. But I can’t say I’m surprised. I don’t think Howard is the only one with a saying no problem,” he remarked wryly. Jason suppressed a grin.
“It’s a chocolate Labrador. And he’s calling it Cadbury. Technically the two of you don’t own him yet – and technically Mark is going to ask you if you like him. But my advice would be to just say yes and run with it,” he shrugged. Gary paused for a moment, his head nodding vaguely in agreement as he continued to watch Mark and Grace. After a beat, however, he pushed himself up a little in his chair, a frown on his face as he turned to Jason.
“Cadbury?” he echoed slowly before shaking his head slightly. “What is that man’s obsession with sugar?!” he asked. Jason laughed
At that moment, there was another knock on the door, before, with little to no pause for permission allowed, the door opened slightly, attracting the attention of everyone in the room. Gary didn’t miss the world-weary way Jason rolled his eyes when it was his twin brother’s face that appeared around the door.
“Sorry, got bored of listening to our mum telling Howard’s mum every bad story about the two of us ever,” Justin grinned, not a hint of guilt on his face. Jason tried his best not to smile. “Anyway – guess who is here and actually in his seat, not even ‘on time’ but actually early?” Justin waggled his eyebrows. “Dad. I don’t know what you threatened him with but it worked,” he grinned. Jason did break a smile at that.
“I may have given him a slightly earlier time than everyone else, actually,” he admitted, glancing down at his watch briefly before looking back at Justin with amusement. “Technically he’s actually late,” he added and Justin laughed.
“That makes a lot more sense,” he nodded, before flicking a sly glance across at Howard. “Last chance to change your mind,” he sing-songed as his eyes travelled back to Jason, laughing at the unimpressed look Jason shot him; lips pursed, eyes slightly narrowed. “Or not,” he quickly suggested. Howard had hung up the phone now, and was watching the exchange with a grin on his face, and Justin turned his eyes onto him instead. “What about you? I’m his twin, I’m stuck with him – but you? You actually have an out in all this,” he tried. Howard’s grin softened into a smile and he exchanged a glance with Jason.
“No. I really don’t.” Justin sighed, rolling his eyes despite the smile on his lips.
“Well in that case, you’ve got five minutes to get the five of you out here before people start thinking I was right after all,” he told them cheerfully, disappearing before Jason had time to throw any biting comments his way.
As the door closed behind Justin, Mark and Grace began to brush themselves down, checking their hair and outfits for each other, whilst Howard wandered over to where Gary and Jason were sitting.
“Everyone ready?” he enquired, offering Jason a hand which he took with a smile as he stood from his seat.
“Almost. There’s just one small detail left to clear up, though,” he remarked. Mark and Grace had come over to join them now and Gary suddenly became acutely aware of everyone’s eyes on him. He stood nervously.
“What did I do?” he asked warily, and Jason chuckled.
“Nothing yet – but we do have one small favour to ask you,” he explained, arching an eyebrow as if to make sure Gary was willing to blindly agree. Gary simply shrugged.
“Anything. Pretty sure I owe you something at this point.”
“It’s funny, but in all the rush to get everything done…I sort of forgot to find a pianist,” Mark put in then, he and Jason looking at each other knowingly before glancing back to Gary. “I remembered to get the right sheet music though…think you could take a look for us?”
“Wait; you can’t seriously mean you left all this ‘til now on the off-chance I’d change my mind?” Gary stammered. Howard grinned mischievously.
“Technically no – Mark can play piano too,” he pointed out. Grace smothered a giggle and Jason elbowed him lightly, though his eyes danced with laughter. Mark simply ignored them all, dashing across the room to where he’d abandoned his satchel, pulling out some sheet music from it before crossing back to re-join them, holding the pages out to Gary.
“Could It Be Magic,” Gary read, his eyes skimming the notes. He looked back up at Jason with a smile. “Tell you what – just this once, and only coz it’s you – I’ll happily play,” he said. Jason laughed.
“Sure. But only coz it’s us,” he remarked dryly. “Now come on – before we’re the ones who are late and my brother never lets me live it down for the rest of eternity.”
***
Sunlight came into the room through the French windows that lined the back wall, catching on the rings around Grace’s neck as she stood beside her dad. She caught Jason’s eye as he quietly stepped around her to stand opposite them and he flashed her a quick wink that made her smile. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Mark and Gary standing side by side, just to the left, waiting for their cue before Gary slipped over to the grand piano in the corner. As the celebrant began to address the people before him, Jason and Howard stood close, eyes intent upon each other now. Jason arched an eyebrow.
“All in?” he asked softly. Howard’s lips quirked up at the corner.
“All in,” he replied. Grace smiled and looked down, playing with the rings idly as the celebrant turned his attention back to her Jason and her dad and began to speak in a more serious, measured tone.
***
Once the vows had been made and the celebrant had smiled winningly at Jason and Howard before suggesting a kiss, Gary quickly took a step back, Mark following him instinctively, though he couldn’t resist a look back over his shoulder as Howard playfully tugged on Jason’s hand, making him laugh even as he was pulled into a deep kiss.
Gary sat down at the white grand piano and took a moment to appreciate the thing of beauty she was. Mark turned back to him and caught him running his fingers wistfully across the keys and he let out a soft laugh at the sight.
“Concentrate, Barlow – Jay and Howard are the only ones allowed to swoon today,” he teased. Gary rolled his eyes fondly and held out a hand.
“The music?” he asked, and Mark quickly obliged, handing over the sheet music and moving to stand where he could turn the pages.
With every note Gary played a new vibration was sent through Mark’s body, rushing through his bones as if each key was somehow attached to him by strings. He couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across his face – love and pride towards Gary overpowering him at the same time as a rush of happiness for his friends overcame him. As Gary’s smooth, crisp voice began to sing, Mark just managed to tear his gaze away from him in order to look back across at where Jason and Howard were finishing making the necessary signatures, Howard whispering something to Jason that made him laugh and shove him lightly. Grace appeared at Howard’s shoulder then, climbing onto his lap and wrapping her arms around his neck, her expression openly giddy and not even wavering when Howard leant across to give Jason’s lips a quick kiss. The chain around her neck held only her own ring now and it glittered in the light as the photographer captured the moment; Howard and Jason’s lips pressed together, Grace smiling up at them both, her head resting on her dad’s shoulder. Mark drew in a deep breath and bent to kiss Gary’s temple.
“It’s so nice when everything is exactly how it should be, don’t you think?” he sighed happily. Gary didn’t stop his playing, but Mark saw him smile.
***
“Ok dad, you’re really going to have to give me back to Howard now.” Jason was laughing as his father hugged him, looking down at him with a faintly bemused smile.
“I’m just happy to be here,” Tony Orange replied, patting Jason on the back, and Jason’s expression softened slightly as he inclined his head.
“Well I’m glad you’re happy – but you’re still going to have to let Howard have me back at some point, because he’s got a legally binding contract at this point and things could get ugly, you know?” he joked, his tone gentle. From where he was standing, just back from the hugging father and son, Howard smiled fondly and Jason caught his look, his expression knowing and playful all at once. Tony let out a slow chuckle.
“Ok, ok. I can take a hint – even when I’ve had far too much wine, I can take a hint,” he smiled wryly, stepping aside and letting Howard slip back into place on Jason’s other side. “I’ll leave you be and go and hassle one of your brothers instead,” he added, waving vaguely as he made his way off towards the other side of the room.
Howard snaked a hand around Jason’s waist, pressing a kiss to his neck.
“You know, Jay, that was very touching and significant and all, but I’m still very glad he’s finally buggered off,” he remarked against Jason’s skin, and Jason swotted at him playfully even as he laughed.
“You’re incorrigible,” he told him dryly and Howard looked up into his eyes, waggling his eyebrows.
“And yet you married me anyway,” he pointed out. Jason rolled his eyes.
“I’m going to be hearing that phrase a lot over the course of my life aren’t I,” he sighed, his expression amused even as he rolled his eyes. “You’re so lucky I love you.” Howard grinned.
“Now that I can agree with,” he said softly, kissing Jason’s nose. Jason looked up at him with bright blue eyes that saw all the things he didn’t say and returned them in kind and Howard pulled him even closer against his body. “I love you too,” he added in a murmur.
The two of them stood together for a minute, wordless and content, watching the scene in front of them. The tables had been moved aside to allow space for people to mingle, chat and dance, and random strings of their closest friends and relatives criss-crossed the space. Grace was dancing with Jason’s mum, her ring still swinging from her necklace and her smile unstoppable as she and Jenny Orange talked and swayed, Grace occasionally bouncing up excitedly, making Jenny laugh. If Jason had to guess, he would say she was relaying hers and Mark’s creative scheme with the sound system and its mysteriously missing microphones when both his and Howard’s brothers had attempted to move to the speeches portion of the evening. “What happened to Mark and Gaz?” Howard’s voice broke into Jason’s thoughts and Jason couldn’t help but smirk slightly.
“I think I might know,” he replied, taking Howard by the hand and leading him away. Howard let himself be led, following Jason back out into the corridor and back towards the room in which the earlier ceremony had taken place. As they came to the door, Jason signalled to him to keep quiet before carefully opening the double doors at the back just wide enough for the two of them to peek inside. Howard bit back a chuckle.
Inside the room, Gary was spinning Mark around as he laughed, before setting him down beside the white grand piano in the corner, staring at it fondly for a moment even as he clasped Mark’s hand in his own.
“Which one of them is he more in love with?” Howard whispered jokingly and Jason smothered a laugh, smacking Howard lightly on the chest. The two of them watched silently as Gary led Mark over to the piano stool, leaning in to tell him something as he motioned for him to sit before sitting down beside him. “What song is he going to play?” Howard asked and Jason narrowed his eyes in thought before slowly glancing back over his shoulder at Howard and taking his hand once more.
“What do you say we go find out?” he suggested, before turning back and carefully opening the doors.
Gary looked up at the sound and smiled when he saw Jason and Howard arriving, nodding his head in greeting at the same time Mark turned around to shoot them both a grin.
“You two are just in time,” he told them. “Gaz has got a song for you. Some old lyrics of yours, paired with an old idea of mine – and new piano part of his.” Jason glanced from Mark to Gary, who simply smiled and turned back to the piano.
“Allow me,” he said calmly as he began to play.
Mark smiled as Howard and Jason danced their first dance – without ceremony or much audience – to the sound of Gary’s cut-crystal voice. He suspected that they preferred to keep this moment quiet and private and he could tell how honoured Gary was when he glanced up to see that Jason had looped his arms around Howard’s neck and initiated the moment, how touched he was that the song he had hoped to play for them today had turned out to be one that would stay with them for the rest of their lives, another memory for the growing collection between the four of them. “Give me your hurt if you're feeling pain, tell me your secrets I keep them safe...” Gary looked down at the keys for a moment as Howard drew Jason closer. “Give me your love mixed up with sin, every part of everything…” He could see Jason letting himself be drawn into the kiss out of the corner of his eye, but he kept his head down, only looking up briefly to exchange knowing smiles with Mark. “It's you, oh yeah.”
As the song came to the end with a quiet twinkling of piano keys, Mark leant in close, leaning across to press a kiss to Gary’s cheek. And Gary momentarily forgot himself – the sound of his hands carelessly smashing against a random assortment of piano keys made Jason and Howard break apart from their embrace, turning to look at Gary and Mark with unconcealed laughter. The two of them exchanged an amused, yet knowing, look before moving across to the piano, where Mark was beaming innocently and Gary was looking at him with narrowed eyes and a barely-smothered smile.
“Everything alright over here?” Jason enquired lightly, letting Howard wrap his arms around him from behind as he looked from Mark to Gary and back again with amusement.
“Oh, like you two are so innocent,” Gary dismissed, pulling a face, and Jason laughed.
“I think you’ll find we’ve got a good excuse,” he replied calmly, and Gary couldn’t help but cast his eyes down to where Jason’s hands rested on the edge of the piano, a flash of silver now gracing his ring finger – he looked across then at the matching ring which was also clearly visible on Howard’s hand where it was clasped around Jason’s middle. He smiled wryly and sighed.
“I suppose I might have to concede that point,” he admitted and Jason nodded.
“Yeah, just maybe.” For a moment his eyes flicked between Mark and Gary before he suddenly straightened a little, his movement forcing Howard to reluctantly release him from his grasp. Howard, Mark and Gary watched, intrigued, as Jason began to rummage in the inside pocket of his jacket, eventually producing a post-it pad and pen. Mark and Gary frowned in confusion, but Howard smiled, laughing softly and pressing a kiss to Jason’s temple as he watched him write out four post-its: ‘Sing’, ‘Listen’, ‘Come with me’ and a final, longer one that Gary couldn’t see clearly. Jason pocketed the post-it pad and pen and swiftly placed the first two post-its on the piano keys, his smile knowing as he ignored Gary and Mark’s confused expressions. ‘Sing’ he placed in front of Gary, ‘Listen’ in front of Mark, and, with them distracted, he took the last post-it and stuck it to the front of the grand piano before turning to face Howard, sticking the ‘Come with me’ post-it to his chest playfully before offering his hand. Howard grinned down at him, taking the offered hand happily and letting Jason tug him silently from the room.
Back at the piano, Gary looked thoughtfully down at the post-it before him.
“I do have another song,” he murmured after a moment. He picked up his post-it now and played with the corner of it self-consciously, not looking at Mark as he spoke. Next to him, Mark slowly picked up his post-it too, bumping his shoulder against Gary’s and tipping his head in a gesture that brought his gaze back up to his face.
“Well…I’m here to listen,” he shrugged, waving his own post-it slightly and making Gary laugh. “Play it,” Mark implored him gently. Gary nodded slowly, turning back to the piano and laying his hands carefully on the keys. And that was when he saw it; the last post-it. He and Mark exchanged a glance before Mark leant forward and plucked it from the piano, reading it to himself with a smile before showing Gary what it said: ‘Look around you. Find paradise. I mean it; trust me on this.’ Gary chuckled softly and nodded.
“Ok then,” he murmured slowly, taking a deep breath. “In that case, Mark Owen, this song is called Nobody Else.”